#when i tell you this skit has brought me kicking and screaming back from the fandom deathbed

[twosetmeridian]

"Okay, so here we have the four timeless proven methods of rizzing up any girl."

or: four ways to change yourself for love and the one way love finds you by being yourself.

[lord-rosenth0rne]

Franken-Stans

Quick Drabble that I might post later on my AO3 account later. It goes with the Franken-Stan set @siro-cyll created here which also on our Redbubble page. You can have the Twin Set or either Stan or Ford.

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The room was dark, as usual. The only source of light came from a desk lamp that hung over the sole occupant of the room as he poured over some ancient text he found on one of his recent adventures. One hand feverishly wrote in a notebook as the other held his place on the page while he muttered under his breath various ideas and translations. Stanford Pines had been so wrapped up in his research, he did not note the arrival of a lumbering figure behind him until a pair of green hands appeared on either side of his peripherals.  

“Braaaaaainssss…” A deep, gruff voice groaned out. In one swift move, Ford pushed himself up to his feet, kicked his chair into the figure, and reached for the gun on his hip. The figure cried out as they crashed to the floor. In seconds, Ford pinned the intruder to the ground with a boot to the chest and pointed the gun at their face. His own chest was racked with heavy, shuddering pants. The figure immediately put their hands out. “Woah! Woah! Sixer! It’s me!”

“Stanley?” Ford breathed, removing his boot and reaching for a light source. The room flooded with light and there, on the floor in what looked to be some sort of zombie getup was his twin brother, Stanley Pines. “What on earth are you doing?”

“It’s Halloween, genius. You know? The best night of the year?” Stan grumbled as his brother helped him up.

“Halloween?” the older twin stared off a moment in thought. His thoughtful expression melted into a sad one.  “I haven’t celebrated Halloween since…”

This caused Stan to frown but shake his head and punch Ford lightly in the arm.

“Don’t be such a sad sack. That’s all behind us! Say, do you remember how we used to celebrate?” Stan grinned as he threw an arm around his brother. Ford’s thoughtfulness returned as he brought his hand to his chin. 

“We’d dress up in matching costumes, then go trick-or-treating…” he murmured.

“And what did we do when we didn’t get treats?”

Ford gave a mischievous smirk. 

“Terrorize the occupant until they did so…” he snickered but then stopped. “Didn’t we give Mr. Cretcher a heart attack one year that was near fatal?”

Stan scoffed and waved a hand dismissively.

“He got better. Besides, no telling if it was his time or not. So, how about it? Wanna dress up for old times sake and scare the bejeezus out of the kids trick-or-treating?”

Ford’s smirk only widened.

“On one condition. We lose the zombie costume and go with something a little more tasteful.”

“Deal!”

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Trick-or-treating in Gravity Falls was not unlike Summerween, only with obvious pumpkins instead of melons. Everyone was dressed to the nines in either repeat costumes, or if you were like Pacifica, a completely different costume because she wouldn’t be caught ‘dead’ in the same one in the same year. They would go about trick-or-treating for most of the night then return home with their treasures, hiding the good stuff from their parents who needed to ‘taste test for poison’ and take the name brand candies. 

But before all of that, they needed to gather the treats. A group of four were the first victims- er- trick-or-treaters to the Mystery Shack of the night. Stan had decked the place out as he usually did with horrifying decorations and such, same as every twice a year.  The porch squeaked eerily under their weights and before they could ring the doorbell, it flew opened to reveal a panicked man in a long white lab coat with black upper arms rubber gloves, black circles under his eyes and a pair of goggles on his forehead. 

“Oh no!” He gasped upon seeing the children. “Run! You have to get out of here! My creation! It’s-!”

A roar from inside the house as well as heavy stomps heading for the door made the kids jump.

“It’s too late! Run children!” the man screamed as he was tackled down to the porch by a green and black blur. “No! You are my creation! You must obey me!” 

The kids all screamed as they watched the figure that tackled the man begin to shake and strangle him with green, stitched together hands. 

“No! No! You can’t-! URGH!”

The man soon went limp with an arm dramatically draped over his face and the figure dropped him only to get to his feet. The kids watched in horror and gasped when the figure snapped its attention in their direction. It let out a low, gurgling growl and lurched forward at them. With one last terrified scream, the kids scattered and ran back toward the town. The growl slowly turned into a hearty laugh and Stan shook his head. 

“You know, that’s the first time I didn’t resort to face-melting or gore to get a scream!” he grinned with his hands on his hips and glanced over at Ford who pushed himself up.

“Of course not. It’s a classic that resorts to real-world bodily harm. Anyone who’s smart enough will run from it,” Ford chuckled, fixing his goggles and hair. “At this rate, though, we may not give out any candy if we just keep running them off.”

“Eh, one less cavity to worry about.”

“You know, that was the same mindset of Mr. Cretcher way back when.”

“Shut up and get ready. There’s another group on the way! And I wanna try the ‘stabbed through the chest’ skit.”

The ‘stabbed through the chest’ skit involved Ford answering the door as Dr. Frankenstein and engaging the children of what he’s been up to before seemingly being skewered through the chest from behind by ‘his monster’. Ford would then proceed to collapse to the floor and Stan would run after the kids halfway down the dirt road before walking back, cackling evilly. From this trick on, Ford’s coat kept the bloodstains and contributed to a more sinister look each time the kids came by. 

Another skit would include another strangling, but this time the kids would witness the ‘rise’ of Frankenstein’s monster in the backyard where Ford had put together a makeshift lab and table. Stan would lay on the table motionless and Ford would ham it up, going through the motions of Dr. Frankenstein as he was trying to bring his creation to life. After the ‘switch being pulled’ and a small light show, Stan would sit up from the table and attack Ford. The kids, again, would go running, screaming back toward town and Ford would set the stage again to pull the same stunt. Stan figured this was his favorite skit by far so he didn’t do much to try to do a different one. 

During one of the ‘rise’ skits, one of the groups had an adult with them who grabbed the nearest prop and began to beat Stan with it when he rose up and tried reaching for Ford. He didn’t have time to turn to strangle anyone. Ford had to pull the guy off of him and was thankful that the prop that was being used was made of lightweight wood. Still, it didn’t mean it didn’t hurt when hit with it. 

“Okay, I think that’s it for the night…” Stan grumbled, now sitting on the porch couch with an ice pack as Ford brought him a Pitt Cola and sat down next to him with a mug of coffee.

“You did a number on that last guy though,” Ford admitted. 

“Me? He did a number on me!”

“Yeah, but you scared him bad enough to cause his fight instincts to kick in without doing much,” the older twin snickered. Stan blinked then grinned.

“Yeah, I guess I did, didn’t I? HA! What a maroon! I still got it!” Stan laughed. “Seriously, though, that hurt.”

“I would imagine. How’s your head?”

“Pounding. But I had fun so it’s not as bad as it could have been.”

“Good. Happy Halloween, Stanley.”

“Happy Halloween, Sixer. I think we really needed this.” Stan sighed, glancing out over the staged area. Ford nodded then grimaced as he pulled out a handful of off-brand candy that Stan had bought for trick-or-treating.

“Yeah. But next year we're getting better candy. The off-brand is gross.”

“Then you’re the one paying for it. Not me. Besides, Soos will eat it when he comes back from that party his girl dragged him to.”

“Deal.”

[septic-dr-schneep]

Henrik is back, he’s starting to recover from Antis wrath with the help of the others. ...until they try to properly introduce him to JJ. The dapper boy is so excited to meet the good doctor that is spoken so highly and lovingly of. But Henrik is suddenly silent... distorted. Anti was telling the truth. 1/4 -PokieM

He had been replaced. Henrik thought Anti was lying when he said that. That he watch Jack make another Halloween skit with a new character to please the fans! He… He knows he shouldn’t be angry but how dare Jack create another ego in his absence!? 2/4 -PokieM

Henrik wasted away for months being physically, mentally and emotionally tortured while jack entertained his fandom! Is THAT the reason it took them so long to save him!? Because they forgot about him? Schneep sacrificed himself to save Jack! How dare he. HOW FUCKING DARE HE!? ¾ -PokieM

The others are having to restrain Schneep on his hospital bed as he begins screaming at JJ “Geh Zum teufel!” Schneep’s tear filled eyes are rolling up, turning black, voice glitching. Jameson is frozen in fear. Did he do something wrong? 4/4 -PokieM (sorry it’s so long! Was only ment to be 2/2 but I got carried away)

Chase would be the first at Jameson’s side, holding him around the shoulders, murmuring comforts to him, and that just makes Schneep burn inside. He’s spent countless nights comforting Chase the same way, sympathizing with him, and he always thought it was something he and Chase shared! Now Chase is leaving him, guiding Jameson out of the room – which leaves him with Marvin and Jackie.

As soon as Schneep’s screaming and flailing gets to be too much, Marvin would put him a protective bubble, hovering over the hospital bed. Schneep is kicking and thrashing in it, trying to break it, and little by little Marvin reluctantly starts pulling the air out of it so Schneep has a harder time getting oxygen. Lack of oxygen makes him tire out much more quickly, he has to stop, slow down –

“Henrik…” Jackieboy pleads in a whisper as the doctor pushes his hands into his hair, tucking his head between his knees. “Why…? You – You scared him… C-Can you tell me what’s – ?”

“You left me…” Schneep sobs, barely audible, trembling as he curls further into himself. “You th-think that little nothing was s-scared? You…you l-left me…with Anti.” His voice breaks and he hides his face as much as he can while he bursts into tears. Marvin and Jackie can only stare in disbelief, horror, sadness… They don’t know what to say.

It feels like hours before Schneep finally runs out of tears. He still won’t look up at them, his shoulders are still shaking, but the tears have stopped. Jackie gingerly moves closer to the bubble, pressing his hands against it. Schneep barely moves. He barely even reacts. 

“We never stopped looking for you,” Jackie murmurs desperately. “Jack – ”

“Jack,” Schneep echoes brokenly, muffled behind his fingers, ducking his head lower. “Jack… he t-turned away from me. If he had let you, you would’ve f-found me… He c-could’ve brought me back…but he didn’t.”

“Henrik, it’s not like that – ”

“He…” The doctor tenses. His voice falls soft. “He found someone new.T̢h͝rew me aside. So̧m̨e̛one…to r̢e̡plac̸e me.”

“No, n-no,” Marvin stammers, his hold over his magic wavering as he registers the words, as he realizes how familiar they are.

“He st͞o͏p͟ped̡ pa̸y͠ìng ̨at̀t̷e̴n̷tion.”

“Henrik – ?”

“Doc – !”

“We͘ll̡, he ̕ca̕n̴'͞t̵ g͟et͘ r͏id o̶f m͞e̕.̛” Schneep looks up at them then, and there’s nothing in his face. He has tear streaks down his cheeks and his eyes are glazed, blue sputtering between green and black. Then he tilts his head and smiles widely. “Ar̢ęn͏'҉t ̀yòu͡ g͢l̀ad I'͜m ͟homę?”

There’s no warning; as Marvin’s magic weakens with his fear, Schneep is out in an instant, grabbing his signature scalpel for the lunge.

[signatureartsblug]

When I brought him to her.

It was a normal day with her.

Sitting on her couch, her laying on it with her head on my lap as we watched some internet videos on the tv.

I wasn’t a fan but she seemed to enjoy it quite a deal.

I wouldn’t laugh but simply smile when I hear her giggle or see her smile.

Ah how she made my ring glow..

But this moment didn’t last long.

I was being called.

Giving her hair a gentle stroke, I had her sit up before I stood.

She questioned me where I was going.. she seemed a little.. scared that I was leaving. Must be because of the one that asserted himself into living with us..

She tends to get like this.. Scared and timid. But she does have her moments of bravery and determination.

I told her not to worry, that I’d return soon enough, to stay there and not bother with fuck face.

With a kiss to her lips I’ve grown familiar to, I backed away with hesitation. I don’t want to go but I have to..

I sink into my shadow only to appear in my realm of shadows. I walked over to the two human shaped portals that mattered most. One as shorter than the other and it resembled her shape.. The other one was shaped like a man, the one I report to..

I walk through that one and emerging out from his shadow, my ring master..

We were in the nursery of the base.

The room was large, it was filled with display cases that carried transparent rings. They were surrounding a machine in the middle of this room. It was a pedestal in the middle of the floor panel. On the north side of it was a computer system that was connected to said floor panel..

I’ve been in this machine more times you can count..

But we weren’t focusing on that machinery.

We’re in the very back of Nursery.

He was sitting at a computer, typing away on it, in front of a film glass wall that separated us and the other room..

But from the silhouette, I can see that he’s working on another one..

“ I want you to be the first to see what i’ve been working on.”

He spoke to me with such trust..

“ I finally got the motivation to make a replacement for that reject that escaped me all of those years ago..”

Tenti..

“ You don’t say…” I spoke with very little enthusiasm. “ There’s no reason why I should be the first to see you create a copy of the original..”

He presses a button before swiveling in his chair to turn towards me.

The ring on a pedestal gets shocked with some sort of neon green lightning.

“ He’s not an exact copy. He’s going to be better. Better than the last slimey piece of skit..” The swedish side slipped.” He’s going to be the little brother.. The ring i’ve always wanted.. Someone that can actually keep up with my perfection.”

He motioned to me with a large grin. He was so excited..

“ Keep up with me.. “ I couldn’t help but to let a little scoff slip by.

“ I said keep up with you,” He stood from his chair. “ As if I’d want to replace a ring as valuable as you..” He leans towards me, placing a hand on my chest.

Don’t touch me..

“ Anyways.. You trust me.. Who is the new recruit?”

The ring master pulls away from me and slid the entire wall to the side to reveal this ring. It had neon green stripes along the black surface.

“ Their name is Anti Septic.. Younger brother of Tenti Septic. But he’s going to be better in every way.. More.. Complete. More Perfect..” He spoke with a dreamy sigh. “ He will be done in no time if I keep the pace that I’m going with him.”

He slides the wall back over to it’s original position and went to sit back down in his chair. 

“ He’ll be the one to officially replace Knives .. To replace that waste of time..”

He thought he was being sly when he whispered the last part but I knew perfectly well what he said..

“ Is that all, Ring master..?”

“ Actually… “ He rose from his seat yet again to stand in front of me and placed a hand under my chin. “ I have a problem for you to fix..” He leans in, getting ever so closer to my face..

Great..

…

It’s been a week.

I’ve been called yet again, but it was to tell me the progress report on this new “Perfection”.  The way he talks about it- him makes me ill.

He’s almost done with the thing.. Just one more week of work and he’d be complete.

The ring master held out the ring to me, the twins, Beast, Dementzia, Tick and Frost. Told us about the new addition to the “family”, when he’ll be done, that he’ll make the elite six into a seven..

This lying piece of shit but I expected it. 

Dementzia seemed unimpressed. Beast looked uninterested. The twins seemed a little panicked. Frost looked curious with a hint of hurt when the ring master talked down about the slimy ring. Tick was tired but he seemed to listen in.. If I know this ring, he’s going to be on his toes.. Like he knows.

Once everything was all said, all of them left the room except me. I stayed behind, observing this newly made ring.. 

At the time, I still had a sense of justice. A mind of my own. Only a sliver of humanity left.. I grabbed the ring and sunk into my shadow.

It was as simple as that.

Although, I can’t help but to think if I should just shatter this ring.. Shatter all the work that EXE had put into this, Shatter.. a sibling…

I remember contemplating this for hours in the shadows.

But I ended up not doing so.

I returned back to the one I hold so dear’s home, emerging in the kitchen. Thankfully I wasn’t gone too long, an hour maybe a little more. I stuffed the ring into my pocket.

The house was quite. I don’t like that.. 

Then I heard her scream.

“ Signa! “

My form dropped into black smoke, rushing along the floor towards the source of the scream and slipped under the door to her bed room.

The scene in front of me. Tenti was hovering over her, his two tentacles ripped out of his back. She looked like she had been thrown around, with the dents in the wall telling me so along with holes that indicates that he tried to stab her.

Rage. Boiling over rage. That all I felt.

My eyes had turned completely black, I felt my canines lengthen. A roar came out from my throat, smoke leaking profusely out of my mouth.

I haven’t felt so pissed off. I’ve been so angry in my life time.

My smoke morphed around my hands transforming into claws.

I had ripped out the tentacles and slash down on his back. He was clearly caught off guard. I grabbed him by the back of the head and slammed his face into the floor before I flung him into her bed.

One of my shadow tendrils wrapped around his legs, whipping him off of the mattress towards me and I slammed my fist square into his stomach back into the floor. He had no time to react. None what so ever when I stomped my shoe onto his chest.

“ Do not touch what is mine..” I snarled, twisting my heel into his chest..

“ D-dark..”

I turn my head to her, she was struggling to sit up..

With a kick to his head; ultimately knocking him out, I moved to her side to help her up and have her sit on the bed.

She was scared of the way I looked.. So nervous. Her nose was bleeding as was her lip, cuts on her cheek and forehead. I lift her shirt to see a bruise on her stomach.. God..

“ I’m so sorry, babygirl..” My voice, it was deeper, emitting more of an echo.

She reached up to what I thought was my cheek but extended it to my forehead, there was two large bumps on my forehead. I don’t remember ever getting hit..?

“ Where were you..?” She whispered to me, trying to move but she lets out a pained squeak.

“ EXE called me.. I had to go to him to see what he wanted. I’m so sorry, babygirl. Here, I’ll fix this..”

Without hesitation, we locked lips. My smoke exiting my mouth and into hers and down her throat, finding its way into her system. My claim beginning to heal all of her wounds and bruises.

Once I pulled away, we stared into each others eyes.” I’m so sorry, Katie.. I’m so sorry.. “

She then reached over and placed her hand on my chest. “ It’s Signa.. You bum.”

After doing some calming down and clean up work, I explained to her why I was gone..

I showed her the ring and told her everything.

She took it from me and immediately put it on her ring finger!

“ B-babygirl!” I spoke with panic. Who knows what would happen if someone else were to wear these rings we bear.

But after some time passed, nothing happened. She was still her normal self..

“ What’s wrong? Nothing even happened..” She looked to the ring, stroking the surface of it.

“ I.. Nothing.. Excuse what I was saying. But.. Please keep that ring one for the time being. I know you’ll take care of it…” I took hold of her hand then placed a kiss on top of the surface without thinking. “ I know you will..”

“ D-dark.. Isn’t this your brother or somethin..” She giggled. But it sounded a bit more.. nervous.

This made my cheeks turn a tint of gray.” … Shut up… “ I then pulled her into a rough kiss.

Usually she was into this sort of thing but.. Something felt off.

I didn’t think much about it at the time.. 

I only wanted what was mine..

…

The week went by so fast.

Surprisingly, I heard nothing from the ring master about the ring going missing. Maybe that’s good thing.

She has been treating that ring as if it was her baby. She even said it glowed once or twice a day..

You could say that I was jealous, that ring was getting more attention from her than I have this whole week after the situation with fuck face septic.. 

I don’t understand..

I tried to confront her about it.. She was tell me that there’s nothing wrong. Everything was fine, she wasn’t acting different..

Today I asked her again as she grew more distant towards me..

I got angry..

I crawled up onto her bed, grabbing her wrists and pinned them to the wall, putting my legs on top of hers to keep her from doing something she’d regret.

She protests against me, getting pissed off that i’m doing this. Like I was crazy..

I snagged up her left hand. I told her it was this ring that’s changing her. I was just about to take it off..

But when I had moved my other hand, her hand got free and she smacked me across the face..

SMACK

I was in shock, eyes wide… but that reduced to harsh glare.“ You did not just smack me, little girl..” My voice dropped, low and grave.. Her eyes went wide and I grabbed the top of her brown hair.” You’re going to regret that..” I whispered when I had leaned in. “ Katie..”

Suddenly her eyes go wide, going dull and lifeless just as smoked leaked out of her mouth. I felt zero resistance.. So I let go while I still hovered over her.

“ Take off that ring.. and throw it across the room, baby girl..”

She did as she was told, took it off and threw it away.

“ That’s it.. That’s a good girl..” 

Looking back on this day, I feel incredibly uncomfortable.. I forced her into doing things I wanted. She didn’t want this. She had a rough life, why was I adding onto it?!

I took her lips into mine, getting things heated. All I could think about was mine, mine, mine, MINE.

But that stopped when I saw a neon green glow where she threw the ring..

It was floating up into the air before that glow then morphs into a shape. A human shape before the light disappears to reveal the details..

A man.. More like a boy. Bright green and brown hair, green eyebrows, One eye black and green and the other green and blue. He worn what seemed to be a Overwatch hoodie and ripped black jeans.. He was bare feet.. His finger nails were sharp and long.

Anti Septic.

He was shorter than the fuck face.. Everything about him was different compared to him all except for the goatee and blue and green eye.

“ Hey, Ye get off of my Ma!” He pointed a finger at me.

I raised a brow. “ And If I don’t-” It was too late, he had already tackled me off of her and onto the bed out of unexpectedness. But I threw him off when I rolled off of the bed with him.

He screeched, hitting the wall causing some vases and plates to fall off of the shelf that was in her room.

She seemed to snap out of it, shaking her head before looking around then seeing the new coming with a loud gasp.” W-Who the fuck is that?! T-Tenti!?”

“ No.. It’s not him.. It’s the ring you were fucking wearing..” I stood up, dusting myself off.

She crawled out of bed and.. straight over to him.” A-Anti? Anti! Oh my god is it really you?! What happened to you?!”

“ The fooker threw me when I was trying to get him off of you!”

“ Which I don’t see why, she was clearly enjoying herself-”

“ Leave, Dark. Now.”

I was so shocked when she ordered me to leave.

“ Excuse m-”

“ LEAVE!” She screamed at me while she helped the little shit back up to his feet.” I don’t want you fucking near me right now. I don’t to even look at you..”

My ring felt like it was going to split into two… How could someone I loved say that shit to me.

But just as I stepped towards her, the little shit stepped in front of her baring his razor sharp teeth at me.” Touch my Ma, ye fookin die..”

I fucking die? If I could at the time, I would’ve pissed myself laughing so hard.

I just smirked at him.” You. Wish, punk.. But fine.. I’ll go. You cool your head, baby girl. I’ll be waiting for your call wanting me back..”

And with that, I sank back into the somewhat comforts of my shadows..

But she didn’t call back.. Not once the whole two months..

What the shit? Is all I could think. Why hasn’t she called for me? Isn’t she lonely?

Does she not want me anymore..?

I just went back to The Base after those lonely two months.. I missed her so fucking much. I missed everything about her..

Then the ring master called me..

He knew of my theft. He’s been watching. He seen what transpired two months ago. What I did..

He could’ve ended me, right there.. smash my ring, cut it into pieces, break it into two..

But he didn’t.

He took me into the torture dome, had me sit down on a chair.. I haven’t been on this one.. Just a normal wooden chair.

“What gives..?”

He didn’t give me a response but a holoscreen popped up next to him and he swipes a slider bar up.

Then these special straps wrapped around my torso, arms, and legs. My eyes grew wide, I try to turn to smoke to get out but.. It wasn’t working. Nothing was working.” What.. the hell.. “

“ Ladies and gentlemen! Elites and Lessers, one and all!” He chimed out to a crowd that I just now noticed that were surrounding the dome and on the second floor behind the glass, watching.” Today, we have ourselves a ring demon who gave you the utmost of grief over the years.. All of the awful deeds he has done and thus resulting in your torturous time here.. That made your life living HELL!”

No one said anything, they just watched. Some with no emotion, some looking worried, some had glares, others looked like they were going to enjoy this..

“ Today, I am about to show you what happens when you are a TRAITOR!”

I look over head when he swiped another slider bar downward. There was a machine.. Connected to it was a collar with three hoses attached to it.

He walks over and latches the thing around my neck, large thick needles jabbed into me.

“ You betrayed me for the last time, Perfection.. Now I will make sure it will be the last time you do..”

I snarled at him, thrashing in my seat to try and get out.

But with a type of a button on the screen, that inky black substance filled the hoses and was injected into my body.

That familiar pain.. It was back.

I screamed, thrashed harder and harder. The feeling of drowning, burning, stabbed, cut, every fucking pain imaginable I felt.

The corruption filled up my entire being. It replaced my blood, my tears, my saliva.. Everything. It leaked out of my mouth and eyes like waterfalls. I couldn’t even yell anymore.

This went on for two hours..

I was left reduced to a lifeless sack. I didn’t move. I couldn’t move.. I didn’t even poof back into my ring

Everything went black..

From that day on, I never felt like myself..

I was just a shell of a ring demon that only took orders from the ring master himself… I didn’t disobey, I couldn’t..

I lost the ability to choose.. I lost the ability to feel proper emotion.. I lost so much..

I lost..

I lost.

I won.

[amandakaiserwrites]

festival recap: juggalo fest

for Ladygunn Magazine

How to Achieve to Juggalo Enlightenment: You too can be a down-ass Ninja

It's the crack of dawn and I'm sleeping in the back of a dust-covered Prius smooshed up against a family-size cooler, and the Juggalos are screaming. 

More specifically, it's a bare-chested Jugalette wearing a tutu and cloth dreads, and she is probably ninety pounds soaking wet. She's lying in the medical tent writhing manically, screaming bloody murder while the medical attendants strap her down to the cot. Homegirl is definitely on one - or two or three.

The Juggalos hanging out by the car next to me chuckle through the cracked window. With every scream they bust out little one-liners like "This one's definitely on some bath salts" and "We've got a live one!" My sentiment is similar - I want to feel badly for this broke-down chick but her nonstop screaming is just getting goddamn ridiculous. With one more bloodcurdling cry my hope for an extra hour of shuteye is completely lost. I open my bleary eyes (my contacts have been in for 3 days straight) and check my phone for my messages from the outside world - but oh right - no reception in Cave-In-Rock, IL. Welcome to Day 3 of the Gathering of the Juggalos.

If you're like me, your Juggalo knowledge can be counted on three fingers at best:  clown face paint, magnets, and Faygo may come to mind. The Gathering of the Juggalos is a "family" reunion for the loyal fans of rap icons The Insane Clown Posse (ICP), and when I scored a ticket to the annual 4-day festival at Cave-In-Rock  I had no idea what was in store. Carnival carnage and hip hop was the very least of it. Documentaries like Brooklyn filmmaker Sean Dunne's "American Juggalo" have attempted to document this subculture, but it's still too easy to draw assumptions that all Juggalos are cornrowed, violent, gay-bashing gang whose primary interests are getting violent and getting fucked up.  After a weekend at the Gathering I'm here to tell you that (despite the zombie Jugalette story), this is definitely not the case.

Being a Juggalo is a way of life, and these Family-approved steps will help you achieve enlightenment their way, so you too can be "down with the clown".

1. Immerse yourself fully in the experience, staying mindfully present.  

I admit that I judged the eff out of Juggalo culture before the festival. I imagined garishly face-painted goons maniacally laughing while throwing puppies into a bonfire, or something. It didn't help matters that everyone I talked to wished me luck on getting back from the Gathering alive. The closer we neared on our 6-hour ride to Cave-In-Rock, IL, the less our 3LW  Pandora playlist and roadies succeeded in calming our nerves. Night was falling, and everyone in the car fessed up fears of clowns lurking behind shadowy trees, creepy Faygo initiation rituals, and more John Wayne Gacy-esque situations. When we finally reached the campgrounds however, what emerged from behind the trees was surprisingly...normal. People walking around, talking excitedly. Juggalos eager to fill our cups with vodka. Barely a clown face in sight - the greasepaint actually became totally normal over the weekend, but given our fragile state the less clowns we saw that night the better.

2. Surround yourself with inspiring spiritual leaders.

ICP members Violent J and Shaggy 2 Dope are studied hip hop geeks themselves,so the lineup was sheer rap fantasticness. The five days of nonstop music included the sharp-tongued Detroit rapper Danny Brown, 90s hip hop heavyweights like DMX, 36 Mafia and the Pharcyde, a ton of late-night metal bands as well as all the acts on Psychopathic Records, ICP's horrorcore homebase. The Michigan-based label also brought out juggalo VP's Twiztid (nom de plume of Michigan rappers Jamie Madrox and Monoxide), Blaze Ya Dead Homie, and more face-painted purveyors of white collar gangster rap. The rappers' energy was infectious and we definitely got into it - by the time Twiztid performed we were turned up on Rock & Rye-flavored Faygo (it has a bubblegum taste that is not found in nature and is also strangely addictive) and we got into a serious discussion about which clown-faced member was hotter, the way some people might compare the likes of Matthew McConaughey and Channing Tatum. It was a weird scene, basically.

The culminating musical experience was the ICP set on Sunday night, which took extreme mental preparation on my part. Do I want to get doused in Faygo and get my world rocked or run for cover like an outsider zombie? Ultimately I chose the middle ground, leaving a safe distance between me and the stage. The show began with a circus ringleader MC'ing, introducing psycho clowns dancing maniacally around the stage and stiff, bloodied zombie-types that managed to stay in crippled character throughout the entire the theatrically gory two-hour set. Following two "Faygo Breaks" where the clowns came out and whipped exploding Faygo bottles into the faces of ecstatic fans, songs about chicken hunting, magnets and maniacal murder schemes, and an intense skit where a whip-thin, lollipop-wielding blonde Jugalette was frisked suggestively by a burly Juggalo in a cop uniform, the entire dark carnival was topped off by an epic fireworks show combined with a neverending Faygo shower. Fifty Juggalos and Jugalettes mobbed the stage and this point and threw Faygo into the audience for a good twenty minutes, which was taken to the next level by - I shit you not - a firehose connected to a tank of blue Faygo. The next day I emerged from the festival grounds back to civilization looking like a strung-out seapunk. So at least I had that going for me.

 3. Allow your inner beauty to show through. 

Dear Free People Fashion Blog, you got scooped on this one. The Gathering of the Juggalo Handbook calls out mainstream "zombies" who are slaves to trends, yet many a Jugalette - -and hell, even most Juggalos - have their own particular aesthetics. Several girls admitted to planning their fest outfits out weeks in advance, and nary a single one involved high-waisted shorts and/or a bandeau top (thank gawd). Instead, embroidered, crocheted, tie-dyed, ripped, splattercore, studded and worn DIY elements reigned supreme. Cornrowed hatchet men (ICP's logo) danced on pirate-jagged hemlines, camo and 90's B-Boy style was everywhere - sports bra tops, snapbacks, colorful kicks, baggy pants, and neon everything. Every Juggalo and Juggalette seemed to have their own take on festival style, from the ubiquitous toplessness to one guy who wore his puppy as a shawl. 

4.  Quiet the incessant chattering of your repetitive mind.

 I know what you're thinking: "Drugs? At a music festival? My word!" The actual presence of drugs wasn't the baffling part, but rather the designated "Drug Bridge" where most festival commerce occured. Juggalos flaunted their wares by scrawling on torn Cheez-It boxes and showing salesmanlike charm that would put Sears and Roebuck to shame. This seemed pretty fitting with the Juggalo lifestyle - don't be something you're not, don't be afraid to let people know what you're all about - and in the case of the drug bridge, that would be Ether! Oxcotin! MDMA! Xanax! 

5. Embrace and release all mental, emotional and physical attachments to everyone and everything. 

Something you need to know about the Gathering -  almost everything is for sale. Many a juggalette will flash a "titty" or two for ten bucks. One guy tried to sell us tabs for a dollar - amazing deal right? We thought so too, until they turned out to be pop tabs. Like, of the freshly-ripped-from-the-Pepsi-can variety. 

6. Free yourself  from the illusion that you are separate from an infinite source of love and energy. 

 All the rumours are true: the Gathering is definitely the most controversial, out-there music festival of all time. The drugs, naked bodies, general disorder, and insane rap are not the main reasons for this though -  it's being in a music festival still untouched by judgement, trends, societal norms, and hipsters.  The juggalos bitch-slapped my world in a weird and awesome way, and I've got the memories and the Faygo-stained backpack to prove it.