#when i started playing this game i got really excited about the lupin references! (I didn't know much about this game beforehand)

[mewtwo365]

Heres some more Persona 5 Drawings!

Hope you enjoy, and have an AWESOME day!!

[leefi]

Starira MBTI III - Frontier

1. Seisho

2. Siegfeld

3. Frontier

4. Rinmeikan

Aruru Otsuki: ENFP

Just go and reread Karen’s entry.

FJDKSLDKL in all seriousness leaps and bounds of Ne from both of them. There’s a reason they often catch themselves saying the same things and why Karen sees so much of herself in Aruru. Not only are they both Ne doms, they’re the exact same type! Ne and Fi together hold that naturally sunny and joyful disposition they both have, and that extreme, passionate love for the people they’re close to. And her Ne may be even higher off the charts than Karen’s. From the entirety of Captain Twins, to improvising lines on stage with Misora as kids, to being the embodiment of Frontier’s free-spirit, pioneering nature - all of this is extroverted intuition, chasing at every possibility under the sun, no matter how absurd it may seem. Her STRONG tertiary Te -- which is much stronger than Karen's, by the way -- supports her dominant Ne, and this is where her gung-ho attitude comes from. “We have to write our own play?? No problem, wheel out the whiteboard! Nobody has an idea yet?? That’s fine, I’ll throw one out and get the ball rolling! Misora and I need three more people for our play? What are we waiting for, let’s go find them!!” All of this is tertiary extroverted Thinking, implementing your ideas out in the world.

Misora Kano: ISTP

She is so compelling!!! I wish we got to see more out of her!! She's already cultivated so many of her talents (and her function stack is pretty strong for such a young age too) - she'd really shine if you just gave her the spotlight! The second ISTP in this series who had her inferior Fe develop super early due to having 1) a ton of siblings and working with so many people from such a young age and 2) a gf with Fi in her dom/aux slot. I’m gonna start with her Fe again because, like Futaba’s, it’s so strong for how young she is - she is quicker to pay attention to social convention than Fi-aux Aruru, scolding her whenever she refers to older Karen by her first name, for example (don't let her see Aruru call Akira -chan). We see aux Se in how energetic and in the moment she is - she grew up acting and doing backstage work and helping her family with their troupe, and we never really see her stuck in her head or wondering about things that aren’t in the here-and-now. Her partnership with ENFJ Michiru to create a new Troupe is going to be SO SO GOOD in the future. They really are going to draw the best out of each other. As polar opposites, they have the exact same functions, just in reverse (like Karen and Junna, or Hikari and Ichie)! So Misora has Ti-Se-Ni-Fe, and Michiru has Fe-Ni-Se-Ti. It’s the perfect setup for them to complement each other’s strengths and weaknesses.

Honestly, I really wish we saw more out of Misora - she deserves more than just being Aruru’s sidekick, and that Feeling function in her inferior slot (extroverted, no less) means that it’s difficult for her to communicate what exactly it is that she wants, both for herself and from others. Like with Mahiru, it’s intuitively hard for her to speak up and say “Hey, I feel like I’m being left behind”. Somebody needs to tap Aruru on the shoulder and communicate that to her - Fe-dom Tsukasa, maybe, or ideally, Misora herself. I think that she’s been kind of shouldered into the straight-man role not just by Aruru but everyone at Frontier because they all have such big personalities (like...she’s got Aruru and Lalafin taking up space, which is already more than enough), and she’s likely been in this position before. She’s been helping her parents run a troupe since she was a child, and now she’s (unfortunately) playing second fiddle to Aruru for the most part at Frontier. She’s been mostly stuck using her Ti and Se, and I really really hope that AA has us seeing her use more of that tertiary Ni and advocating for the goals she has for herself. She deserves to shine so much!!

One final note - I find it so interesting that both ISTPs in this series have such strong senses of faith - Misora is cast as the Faith arcana (and, unlike some of the other girls who are cast as the “opposites” of their personalities, Misora’s seems true to hers), and Futaba obviously has that reverent faith in Kaoruko (and is canonically religious???). It’s a bit antithetical to the ISTP personality type, which values its individuality above all else and tends to be a bit of a rebel. I don’t have much to add here - it’s just an interesting observation.

Shizuha Kocho: INFJ

Lalafin: The Count was such a great actor! I’m sure he would’ve been great on stage too…

Shizuha: Heh heh, maybe!

Shizuha: But still, he never went back to his original persona even after his revenge. He had to stay as the count for the rest of his life.

Shizuha: And he was able to do that because he was good at becoming other people.

Shizuha: ...Although I cannot say if that meant he was happy.

Lalafin: Even after his revenge, he still wasn’t happy...That’s one point of view to make his sadness stand out even more!

Shizuha: Right?...Yes. I think I’ll stick to how I’m doing things now.

THE!! LOVE!! OF!! MY!! LIFE!!!!!!! I CANNOT OVERSTATE ENOUGH HOW MUCH I LOVE SHIZUHA KOCHO!!!! She was my first favorite character in the game (and still is!! But frontier gets no content :’)). As I said with Maya, INFJs are old souls - wise and idealistic, but typically reserved. Auxiliary extroverted Feeling shows up in how she suppresses herself so as not to intimidate or make others feel inferior - we see the exact same thing play out with INFJ sibling Koharu. She’s mysterious but amiable, kind and awe-inspiring - just like INFJ sibling Maya. And we see that token INFJ loneliness playing out with all three, as well. What I love most about Shizuha is that she’s a person of extremes. She is so cerebral and intelligent and dignified in a way that reminds you of Maya but she’s also so!!!! Fucked in the head!!!!! Ni doms baby!!!!!!! (I am fucking crazy. But i am free).

Unhealthy INFJs can develop this obsession with making themselves martyrs, and I don’t think I need to rehash out her AA conversation with Aruru (and her entire philosophy towards acting - see above quote) to get that across. I want to dive into this more. Truly I do. Shizuha deserves 10 pages of writing. But she is one of the last I'm writing and I've clicked through 3 different AA stories and accidentally found Rui and Yukko's first so I diverted and finished writing Yukko's entry and I've already spent so much time on this oh god the doc is already 18 pages single spaced uhhhh Shizuha my loveliest love I will write your character deep-dive later I prommy <333

(Also, seeing her synergy with Aruru is soo so cute. INFJ/ENFP supremacy!! Same dynamic as MayaKaren!)

Lalafin Nonomiya: ESFP

(Se dom).

She’s so athletic and energetic and in-the-moment and improvisational and quick on her feet (Se, Se, Se)! Fi over Ti aux because she has a much more subjective view of what’s “fun” - “what do I want to do? Where do I want to go? What kind of character do I want to play???". She’s got that trademark genki energy that so many ExFPs share, particularly that childlike zeal that she and ESFP sister Ichie both have. In her own way, Lalafin embodies Frontier’s pioneering, fun-loving spirit just as much as Aruru.

Tsukasa: Lupin is usually portrayed as mysterious and polished, no? But the way you perform him is more fresh and open -- almost like the main character from a children’s book.

Lalafin: Oh! Come to think of it, the book on Lupin I read when I was younger was written for kids!

Lalafin: It was about this big and had a realistic image of Lupin right on the cover!!

I don’t really have too much to add. She’s just a perfect embodiment of that excitable, fun-loving Se and Fi dom/aux duo. Childlike and simplistic-appearing at a first glance, but there's such a fire in there - just compare her to her ESFP twin Ichie!

Tsukasa Ebisu: ENFJ

I can see that use of Se - love of fashion, sweets, dancing, going out and enjoying life - yes, she had overprotective parents and could just be making up for lost time, but I think that nice material things are something she just genuinely enjoys for herself as well. So at first I thought ESFP, but we can’t ignore that enormously caring attitude she has for others and the way she gravitates towards caretaker roles, which indicates more Fe than Fi. So ENFJ it is! She has that Fe and Se, and we see that inferior Ti in how she struggled to realize something was wrong when she was trapped in the play. I love, love, loved her leading role in the Arise All You Sons event and how she and Yachiyo interacted to bring out the best in each other - we saw Yachi using a lot of that aux Ti to support Tsukasa’s inferior Ti and dominant Fe!

Her dominant Fe is SOOOO clear and contrasts to every other girl in Arise All You Sons. She’s the first to go “hey, wait, hold on - I’m not sure what (inferior Ti) but something about this feels artificial, and I don’t think it’s actually going to help the kids”. Inferior Ti/Dominant Fe speaks before thinking too - “Why did I say that?! Why did I do x?!” - it isn’t until aux Ti Yachiyo shows up to help her that she’s able to work through her thoughts. While she can get stuck in the rut of her own mind sometimes, Tsukasa is one of the most caring, empathetic, and mature characters in the series - and she does all this without sacrificing her own autonomy and individuality, which can be difficult for an Fe-dom to do.

[putschki1969]

All about Hikaru’s Otaku Activities Vol.1

The first edition of Hikaru’s monthly webseries has just been published! Be sure to check it out!

In this column Kalafina’s Hikaru talks about all the things she likes in a geeky fashion and with lots of passion. The first edition contains a self-introduction and Hikaru explains the reasons for her “Otaku Activities”

To all newcomers and everyone who knows me from the past, my first column has finally been published, I would really like you to read it casually without any pressure! Waahh….even while I am saying this I will have to admit that I am the one who feels most pressured at the moment *laughs* After all, it’s the first time in my entire life that I am writing a column…! When I first heard I would get to do this column, I was told, “we want you to make this a place where you can talk casually about the things you love, no formalities or anything.” I accepted the offer without hesitation so now I would like to try my very best to share the things I love. Please don’t be too hard on me!

Since this is the very first feature I think a self-introduction is in order. I am a singer and this year I have celebrated my 10th Anniversary as part of a vocal unit called Kalafina. I passed an audition to sing the theme songs for all seven movies of the theatrical version of “Kara no Kyoukai”. After that we got to sing many more theme songs for various anime works as well as for the NHK TV program “Rekishi Hiwa Historia”. Up until now I got to sing so many different songs, I got to meet many great people, our encounter with SPICE was also very exciting. They wrote amazing live reports for us, they followed us backstage and got to experience a side of us which we had never shown before, we got the chance to take part in “Songful Days”, an event sponsored by SPICE. With that kind of warm and comfortable relationship I feel like I can freely write this column.

Since all of my readers might end up being confused about certain things in the future I think it’s best to also share some private information about myself… *laughs*

I was born on July 2nd 1987 in Toyama Prefecture, back in 2009 I moved to Tokyo together with my family in order to pursue my activities as part of Kalafina. In my life I am supported by my hard working mother and my younger sister who shares my hobbies. My hobbies are reading, watching TV and films, doing puzzles and sleeping. I am an indoor person all the way.

The first manga I ever owned was a monthly shōjo manga magazine (hereinafter referred to as monthly magazine) called “Nakayoshi”. Then I also got the monthly magazine “RIBON”, during my earlier years of primary school I also got to read the monthly magazine “Ciao” at my friend’s house. Then from my higher grades of primary school onwards I started to buy separate volumes and these days nothing gives me more happiness than to feel the weight of a paperbag filled with dozens of new manga volumes.

The first animes I really liked in my childhood days were “My Neighbor Totoro” – I had completely worn out my video tape – and an English learning show by Disney called “Minnie Mouse is singing the ABC song for us ♪” I have been a big fan of anime ever since the old days but my love became stronger ever since I moved to Toyko and these days I tend to watch around 40 works every season.

The first gaming console I ever used was the “Super Nintendo”. I also played games on the Play Station, Gameboy and the Nintendo DS, I currently have more than 10 gaming apps on my mobile phone. In recent years I have also been going to a lot of collab cafés and stage plays of my favourite works.

I only just started to write and already it’s all about my otaku activities *laughs*. On that note I would like to mention that when it comes to books I am not just a fan of manga but of all kinds of literature such as short novels. When it comes to TV and films I am not just into anime, I also like variety shows, love stories, action, suspense and lots of western tv shows (mostly procedural crime dramas).

In the past I have often been asked, “among all those things, why is it that you feel the strongest emotional impact when it comes to manga and anime?” In short my reply is always, “it is my way of escaping from reality so I am able to actually face reality.”

Manga, anime, games, for me they provide a fantasy world filled with ideals and dreams. Step by step they will take you to another world. In there you will find brightly sparkling elements, a warm and fluffy sense of healing, before you know it you will have tears running down your cheeks and once in a while you will feel great emotional pain deep within your heart *bitter smile*.

This way I have been able to experience many different things. I am living quite the ordinary life so I get to experience things the real me wouldn’t do…for example, there’s a world where I am actually doing sports! Since it is all a fantasy I can use magic and psychic powers, it is possible to talk with all kinds of animals. In these works there are worlds where you can see sceneries which you could have never imagined in the real world.

Also, the characters living in these worlds carry so many ideals and dreams, their words and actions are powerful and provide hope, they give me the strength to face the struggles of the real world. By experiencing a wonderful piece of work you can get inspired and find the strength to face all your challenges. They help me revalidate the things I want to do, what needs to be done in order to achieve those things, they give me the motivation to reach my goals. Through these works I want to experience the best as well as the worst things. I feel like this is the most important thing. In this column I would like to talk about the things that are important to me.

This is a bit sudden but did you know that during this anime season you can enjoy a lot of nostalgic works on TV? “Lupin the Third Part 5“, “Legend of the Galactic Heroes - Die Neue These “, “GeGeGe no Kitarō Vol.6”, “Captain Tsubasa”, “Card Captor Sakura Clear Card Arc”, “Soul Hunter” and many more.

When you watch them you can fully experience the charms of these works which so many people have been enamored with in the past. To feel the warmth and excitement from the early days again, it is great. That feeling of being fully immersed also seems to come back. I wonder if the power and beauty of these works will touch my heart again. While once again experiencing the sparkle of these works which I had enjoyed back in the day, I feel like I am falling in love with them all over again. Also, I feel like many people are getting to know these nostalgic works for the very first time, there seems to be a growing interest in works from the past.

As a big CLAMP lover I have been watching “Card Captor Sakura Clear Card Arc” ever since the last season when it first started to air, simultaneously I have been reading the manga. “Card Captor Sakura” is a story about a girl that comes across magical cards and receives magical powers. The main character Sakura Kinomoto-chan (hereinafter referred to as Sakura-chan) encounters magical cards during her fourth grade of primary school. All in all there are 53 cards such as “water”, “fire”, “wind”, “thunder”, “ground”, “light” and “darkness”. Sakura-chan struggles to bring them to life and consequently control them. She is a very cute, kind-hearted and courageous girl! She has to face various difficulties. Through her words and actions I feel incredibly empowered. I don’t even know how many times I have been comforted by her encouraging words, “it’s gonna be absolutely fine!”

And then there are all these inspiring quotes by Sakura-chan’s best friend Tomoyo Daidouji (hereinafter referred to as Tomoyo-chan). “Seeing a beloved person being happy gives me utmost happiness”, “Whatever good thoughts may be hidden within your heart, if you don't put them into words, none of it will ever be acknowledged by others.” These are the quotes I always keep in mind during important times. Tomoyo-chan may have a gentle nature but she is a very though girl with a strong will. She is my favourite character!

This is the story of Sakura-chan & Co. Time has passed and they are all junior high school students now. The cards which need to be collected have turned transparent, many new things are happening. There are new cards. Lots of mysterious characters. I will continue to loyally watch Sakura-chan’s adventures!

That’s it for today. Thank you for sticking around till the very end. I’d be happy if you checked out my next edition.

Well, until next time!

Hikaru

[scottymcgeesterwrites]

Persona 5: Review

Persona 5: A Most Aesthetically Pleasing Video Game

I very rarely write a review for a hot, fresh new video game. This became an exception because I finished it relatively quickly compared to most new video games I buy, and because how immersive the experience was.By now many of you have seen or heard one of the biggest crazes in video games – Persona 5. The last main installment of the Persona series was Shin Megami Tensei: Persona 4, released way back in 2008 for the PlayStation 2. As such, fans of the series have waited a long time (nearly 10 years) for another Persona game. Atlus officially announced Persona 5 way back in 2013 and was set to be released in 2014. Due to the usual setbacks with grandiose projects, it wasn’t released until September 2016 in Japan and April 2017 in the rest of the world. People waited and waited and oh boy – did Atlus deliver or what?This review will go over so many things, but more importantly, I will write it as though you know nothing about the series like I did when I started Persona 5. I first heard about it last year when I went on vacation to California, and my friend Carlos told me allllll about it. No major spoilers are written here. The only minute spoilers are just talking about some character arcs.

Personal Background:

I grew up in high school reading and watching plenty of gentleman-thief fiction. It started with the anime Lupin the Third and I worked my way through books like The Scarlet Pimpernel by Baroness Orczy, then The Mark of Zorro by Johnston McCully, and novels starring The Saint, created by Leslie Charteris. Lupin the Third particularly remains a fond teenage memory growing up.

It was the first anime that I really got into. It was a mix between James Bond and Bugs Bunny. I then learned that Lupin the Third and some of its characters were drawn from earlier characters. Lupin is called “the Third’ because he claims to be the grandson of Arséne Lupin, a character written by French author Maurice Leblanc.

Maurice meant to write Arséne Lupin as crime’s answer to Sherlock Holmes. Arséne wasn’t villainous though. He stole for the sake of the thrill and never from the innocent. But he didn’t quite give to the poor like a Robin Hood – he stole from the rich who didn’t take good care of their precious collections, believing only he truly knew how to take care of them. Other times he did steal to teach some creep or idiot a lesson.Persona 5 ties into Leblanc’s long-forgotten creation. The character manages to survive today only through the form of the anime Lupin the Third. The entire cast of Persona 5 is a group of persecuted and unfairly treated teenage outcasts fighting back the system and stealing people’s “hearts”. They do so with jazzy, funky riffs in the background and wearing masks like in a masquerade ball. You have no idea how much I enjoyed the aesthetic of this game, and when they make the Leblanc references early on, I practically fangirled.

What is Persona about?

Long story short – Carl Jung.

That handsome nerd right there.

The series takes Carl Jung’s work (collective unconsciousness, archetypes, shadows, etc.) and puts them into a weird blend of speculative/science fiction. Like Final Fantasy, each Persona game is set in its own world with its own story and rules. Some common elements include the teenage protagonists, balancing high school life, the metaphysical creatures known as “personas”, and amazing music that you keep replaying on YouTube and hope to find a copy of somewhere online to torrent or rip.Persona the series is itself a spin-off of a larger video game series called Shin Megami Tensei. The latter is more focused on the concept of computer programs created to summon demons. That same technology is more or less referenced in Persona but the focus is more on the personas. So with all that background stuff out of the way, let’s get on with the video game review.

Story:

Whoa boy. Lots of good stuff . . . aaaaand also some stuff I’m critical about.

First, the good stuff.The Protagonist (you can name him whatever) starts off by getting sent to a legal guardian because he’s on probation for assault. Early on we see a confrontation that happened months ago in the middle of the night between The Protagonist and a man who tried to sexually assault a woman. The Protagonist punches the man, but when the cops arrive the man is implied to have connections and condemns The Protagonists’ future, getting off scot-free.

The Protagonist transfers to a new school in Shibuya, and already news of his probation and physical assault record gets spread around, so people are wary of him. The first character he meets is Ryuji, a former track runner who injured his leg after the gym teacher Kamoshida abused him and the team. The two of them obviously bond from their experiences with shitty adults and from then on a mysterious app automatically downloads to The Protagonist’s cellphone, leading them to discover the Metaverse – a realm which holds the metaphysical manifestations of the collective unconsciousness. They find a castle where their school should be and ultimately discover that Kamoshida views the school as his castle, sexually harassing students and physically abusing the volleyball and track teams. There, The Protagonist learns that in the Metaverse, you can unlock your persona - your true self. They use this power to fight back the “shadow” versions of the bad guys, like Kamoshida, in the Metaverse. They end up devoting their power to reforming society and calling themselves The Phantom Thieves.

Right away we’re met with a sensitive, relevant issue – harassment. It’s really eerie how this game became released the same year as – well – you know – every other fucking thing that has been going on concerning harassment. It’s a strong opening – you’ve got a clear sense of unfairness going on in the world deep down you really want to see these bastards get what’s coming to them. Gets you pumped and riled up! Yeah! Fuck those guys!Unlike other video game RPGs, the Persona 5 heroes don’t change the world by blowing shit up or ramming a sword through the villain and calling it a day. The Protagonist and Ryuji discover a mysterious cat in the Metaverse called Morgana. He knows all about how the Metaverse works (mostly).

Morgana is the cutest motherfucker around. Look at this cute fuck.

Morgana explains that distorted desires manifest in the Metaverse. Palaces exist when a person’s distortions grow too big. Here’s where it becomes a bit like the movie Inception: The heroes have to steal the “treasure” of their target’s Palace within the Metaverse. The “treasure” is a representation of how their distorted desires began. Once you steal that, the target becomes wrought with guilt in the real world and confesses to their crimes. Every Palace works the same way – infiltrate it to find the treasure room, then send out a calling card (a true staple of the gentleman thief by the way) so that the target is aware and their metaphysical treasure becomes visible inside their Palace. If they kill the Shadow of their target, they suffer a mental breakdown and die. You quickly get used to the formula and at the same time I loved that they switched it up halfway through. So here we get into a classic debate of “What does rehabilitation mean?” and “Do the ends justify the means?”. The public becomes aware of the heroes since they send out calling cards, and people argue over the ethical nature of The Phantom Thieves. I thought that they could have gone deeper into some of the conversations, more philosophical or psychological rather than always “You are bad. Suck it, loser!” But what do you expect playing a game about teenagers?

There’s an immediate failure in the story’s part though, and to me it’s the most disappointing aspect of the game.

The opening of the game starts out with the theme of sexual harassment, right? Kamoshida is a teacher at school sexually harassing students. It’s even heavily implied he assaulted one of them. It’s a very mature theme to start out with and I love that they tackle it right away. One of the playable characters you meet in the Kamoshida storyline is Ann Takamaki. Ann is one of the students who was sexually harassed by Kamoshida. He constantly tries to force himself on her and threatens to kick out her best friend Shiho from the volleyball team if she tells anyone about his actions.

Oof. Heavy stuff. How many times have we heard that story or variations thereof?

Okay, with that in mind, let’s talk about their next target: Madarame – an old art teacher plagiarizing the works of his students. When the heroes ponder over how to meet Madarame, they find out that his student Yusuke is interested in having Ann pose nude. Ryuji immediately gets lecherous about this. No matter how you respond really, the plot has to move forward and Ann approaches Yusuke about posing nude. The nude scene never actually happens though, as Ann stalls time while the heroes sneak further into Madarame’s house. That entire situation is a serious blowback to the maturity of the first act. Here we had Ann, a student who was constantly sexually harassed, and now we joke about her posing nude when she clearly doesn’t want to. At the very least, they should have made The Protagonist say, “Yo, Ryuji, not funny. Dontcha remember what Ann just went through?”. There was no lesson learned here. All your responses lead to Ann having to pose nude for Yusuke against her will, with Ryuji getting all excited. And other gamers say no - Anne was not treated badly because she ended up owning her sexuality and getting to tell Kamoshida off. Which is true. But the point is that we’re falling into hokey perverted humor with a character who had just suffered a traumatizing experience. The writers could have easily made them approach Yusuke and by extension Madarame another way.

There’s more, although this stuff just makes my eyes roll:

So in the game, you can develop friendships in the real world with both the playable characters and secondary non-playable characters. You can foster a romantic relationship with any woman or girl in the game. You can even cheat (resulting in bad consequences, obviously). But I quickly found that every friendship with a female character is taken as a sexual innuendo. Seriously. Each one. The friendships you make begin as deals – you scratch my back, I scratch yours.

Takemi is a doctor who’s got a clear kinky vibe going on. You start a friendship with her by agreeing to be a volunteer for her clinical trials while she gives you prescription drugs as items to use in battle. Takemi then starts calling you her “little guinea pig” and asks if you need an “examination.”

Makoto’s arc is about you pretending to be her boyfriend in order to go on a double-date with her friend. Makoto thinks her friend is involved with a bad guy, but her friend won’t listen to her unless she has a boyfriend.

Hifumi is a shogi player whom you can only talk to if you have a high enough level of charisma. Once you do, she clearly is stricken by your looks and whenever she wants to play shogi with you she phrases it as “I want to test a new move on you.” Really? REALLY? Is that how she words it in bed? Like, hey honey, come to bed, I want to test a new move. You know?

Futaba is a recluse who finds you to be the one person she’s able to be comfortable around, calling you a “key item” like in a video game. You help her get over her social anxiety and she runs to you all the time for help. Then there’s your teacher – who you find out is moonlighting as a “cleaning maid” (massive air quotes) so she can pay the bills. She dresses as a maid and even calls you “master”.  Like really? REALLY? I can’t--I--come on.

Maybe they were trying to be a bit like When Harry Met Sally, trying to say that every friendship with the opposite sex is secretly sexual. Or maybe it’s just that Atlus doing their usual shit playing on sexual tropes. They did create the very sexually mature game Catherine – which is about a man in a long-term relationship suddenly wanting to cheat after meeting a buxom young woman.

Without spoiling anything – the ending dragged on. There are like four “final” boss fights. The home stretch of the game started out okay. I was like “Oh. Okay. This is cool.” Then it just kept going and going and one part I even got confused and made the wrong choice and got a bad ending – but my brain was fried at that point and I just was like “END. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD. THIS GAME DOESN’T WANT TO ROLL THE CREDITS YET. WHY. END.” The story takes place in the course of a school year and the last part gets choppy.

My final criticism is a small bit that happens when The Protagonist goes on vacation. Two gay men approach you because they think you’re cute. They’re the only gay characters you ever see in the game and they are depicted as lecherous creeps. Because gay people, right?

Road bumps aside, the rest of the story is something we need nowadays and is relevant to our times – the hypocrisy and corruption of adults in power. Despite my annoyance with the sexual innuendos in the female storylines, they’re all fleshed out with relevant stories. A mother who lives vicariously through her daughter’s fame. A teacher who’s constantly tired trying to make do. Pharmaceutical cover-ups. Bullshit self-help teachers. Bullies at school. It’s all there and the theme still holds as you try to justify your actions in reforming society. Because what does it mean to reform society?

Gameplay:  

Persona 5 uses your typical turn-based battle system and manages to spice it up. The enemies consist of “shadows” you encounter in the Metaverse – and you can collect them if you hold them up with your guns. You have to talk to them and negotiate with them first in order to gain their trust. Then they turn into personas that you can call upon in battle. The battle system also heavily relies on exploiting an enemy’s weakness – similar to Pokémon.

Fire and water, lightning and wind - all that good shit. Once a weakness is exploited, they’re dazed, and if you daze every enemy in a battle that’s when you can hold them up with your guns and negotiate. But you have those affinities and weaknesses too – and let me tell you, it’s been a bitch at times when you get your ass handed to you. Also after exploiting a weakness, you get another turn in battle – so the enemies too can take extra turns if they fuck you up. There are boss battles and mini-boss battles where you have multiple enemies with multiple affinities and weaknesses and you’re going to find yourself cursing “GODDAMMIT” – but it’s nothing horrible. You just gotta keep track. As the player, you can even “pass the baton” to another character after dazing an enemy and have them take the shot. Some abilities are strengthened after passing the baton. 

In the real world, you are The Protagonist going to school and having a normal social life. The real world activities can directly influence your abilities when going into Mementos and Palaces. Mementos and Palaces are located in the Metaverse. Whenever you want to go there, you call up your buddies and head out. Get in loser, we’re going to Mementos. As a high school student, you can upgrade your social stats, which include Knowledge, Guts, Kindness, Proficiency, and Charm. Leveling up these social stats can unlock interactions with new people or creation or access to weapons and abilities in battle. Real world activities are also about strengthening bonds with people you meet. There’s a huge list of both main and secondary characters that you interact with. Leveling up your relationship with them can unlock more abilities both during the real world and the Metaverse. As the game progresses, you really feel the pressure of figuring out what to cram in during a single day. Shit, do you go out with Makoto or Yusuke? Bro night or date night? Should you try raising your kindness by watching a nice movie, or go fishing? You have tests to take, people who want to hang out with you, money to make in order to buy items for battle. You must take into consideration what to do and when because you always have deadlines for the next target – because something always gets complicated that calls for a deadline to change the victim’s heart.

Oh.

Oh baby. . .

So – sidenote – I’m not a real city person. I love going to the city for like a day-trip or two. A weekend maybe. Vacation. But never to live there permanently. After playing this game I realized, “Man, it’s actually fun living in the city.” How influential is that? It makes me actually love the thought of living in the city. Heck, it makes me fucking miss school so bad – not just college – just school in general. Oh man, remember when you could just see your friends every day? This game pulls you in with lovable characters and a high school simulation that makes you actually miss going to fucking school.

It’s like the game purposely tugged at my nostalgia strings. Like “Hey, Eddie. Remember those days when you had like, lots of friends, and like you could just hang out with them any time of the day and everybody was full of excitement and vigor?” And I laughed and then started crying. Hahaha I need help.

The open world feels a bit choppy though. It’s not exactly free-flowing. You look at your phone and choose a place to go and the subway transition plays. You can actually walk to the subway for some places but you fall into just using using the map on your phone to transition from here to there since it’s faster. There are many interesting nooks and crannies that are just for show. If you wander too far off, Morgana says, “Hey wait, go back. There’s nothing there.” I hate stuff like that. I’d rather it just automatically loop – like the character keeps walking and then ends up back at the entrance or something. Or maybe something funny like a brief animation where The Protagonist tries crossing a busy street and almost gets run over and he’s like “Whoops, not THAT way!” Something quick and easy like that rather than having some cat keep telling me, “No. Don’t go there.” When video games do that they break the illusion of a free-roaming environment.

Graphics:

Short and simple – they’re awesome. Everything about this game is aesthetically pleasing. The menu screens, the battle screen, the little animations, the art style.

There are tiny things you end up loving about a video game. In here, there are so many that I love. I love it when you’re running through the Metaverse and The Protagonist adjusts his gloves once and a while. I love it when you land a critical hit and the character’s face cuts through the screen like in a comic book.

I love the subtleties like when you see minor characters in public doing weird shit or you just notice them often and then you later realize what they were doing as the story or sidequest opens up. It’s easy to miss things because just like in real life there are crowds and people walking everywhere, and in that way it gets really immersive, like “Oh, what does this person have to say?”. 

Music:

Probably the only video game where I seriously enjoy listening to every track. Sometimes I like a video game soundtrack but maybe I skip the menu screen music or some other bit. Everything you listen to is sublime. Everything’s got a beat. Jazz and funk and synth. Then you got the really awesome metal riffs. The funny thing is that the songs are so catchy but at the same time – and I hope it’s not just me – the Japanese singer Lyn kind of pronounces the English differently? As such, I’m often times trying to sing along only to realize that I have no idea what the fuck she’s saying but oh! – there’s the refrain, I know that part! So I’m constantly looking up the lyrics to remember and actually hear.

Conclusion:

I’ve discovered that Persona 5 seems to attract people who were never into traditional RPGs. You are never bored for any second of the game. I clocked at about 80 something hours by the end of the game, which is about a medium length for a JRPG, but it went by fast. There’s still so much to do on your second playthrough. It’s impossible to explore everything in one playthrough.

If you’re already an RPG fan – fuck – what are you waiting for?

Last but not least, my preference of the relationships:

Everybody bickers about them. “Makoto is best girl.” Kawakami forever. No, Takemi! Here’s my list of relationship preferences from best to worst.

1. Makoto (MAKOTO IS BEST GIRL, FUCKERS)

2. Hifumi

3. Takemi

4. Kawakami

5. Chihaya

6. Futaba

7. Haru

8. Ann

9. Ohya

[atleastputinsomeeffortinuroc]

Rant/Review: Detective Conan Movies 1-20 --aka-- Kill the Beast

(And no. I will not be following up on that Bleedman thing from earlier. I tried. I failed…Please do not make me.)

As many of you might already know, I have certain…shall we say, STRONG feelings towards Detective Conan and Case Closed. I both love it and loathe it for reasons that you can see in an earlier little rant of mine where I go over in EXCRUCIATING detail my exact emotions towards this goddamned thing. I ain’t gonna repeat myself, but I will simply preface thislittle thing by reciting just a fraction of my thoughts towards the show so you know: I hate Conan/Shinichi himself, because I think he’s an uncaring asshole, and Kogoro Mouri is a gift because he’s the only character that seems to show at least an inkling of GROWTH which the show doesn’t seem to comprehend. Boom. That’s all you have to know really. I listed off my thoughts, and that should’ve been the end.

Should have being the operative phrase.

Y’see, I guess I’m a bit of a sadistic bastard who is just cruisin’ for a bruisin’, because recently I decided to try something. After watching a couple episodes of Case Closed on a whim, I was…well, horrified by what I was watching. And no, it wasn’t because of the dub. (If anything the dub made it a little bearable because of Moore’s great delivery for every line, but that’s neither here nor there…though some line reads of the other characters were uh…less than stellar.) Everything about it was just…BAD. It could’ve been because I chose the worst episodes accidentally at first, but…it was just DIFFICULT to sit through. I watched a couple more episodes, and it got better but…that first sitting was just so difficult, that I found it hard to remember why it was I liked the series so much as a kid, and why I feel the need to defend it at some points. As such, I decided to take on the Herculean task…of watching all twenty of the Detective Conan movies.

ALL. TWENTY. 

(Not including the Lupin III crossover, or the new one about the love letters…but I suppose I’ll end up watching those two out of pure curiosity at some point.)

I spent a good week trucking through every one of these motherfuckers, and let me tell you, IT WASN’T EASY. It was surprisingly difficult. After a while, they start getting repetitious, formulaic, pointless, and even annoying. REALLY annoying. Yeah, you could argue my feelings and thoughts are down to personal taste, and I can just shove my opinion out my ass…but I went in BEGGING for these movies to win me over. I didn’t want to hate them. And hell, SOME OF THEM I DID END UP LIKING. But a good chunk fell into my dreaded expectation for them, and a few even did surprisingly worse in some cases.

I’ve been putting this task off for so long, anyway. I knew, deep down, that I had to see them all. To know if there was any chance that the show had returned to form, or even if there was any form to return to. I told my friends that I kept on thinking back to “The Mob Song” about killing the beast when I decided to do this. The lyrics in particular feeling oddly fitting for what I was about to do. “…It’s a nightmare, but it’s one exciting ride. Say a prayer, then we’re there at the drawbridge of a castle, where there’s somthing truly TERRIBLE inside….See him roar, see him foam, but we’re not coming home till he’s DEAD. GOOD AND DEAD. KILL. THE. BEAST.”

Bit of an…extended metaphor, I grant you, but I can’t just let this beast haunt me.

(And before you ask, yes. The first six movies I watched dubbed, while the rest were subbed to give them the best shot to win me over (because nostalgia), but I’ll try to refer to them as much as I can with their original Japanese names. I may go back and watch them subbed…but I have had to sit through twenty of these goddamned things so don’t expect me to do it any time soon.)

Anyways…let’s kill this goddamned beast. Here. We. GO.

The Time Bombed Skyscraper felt very much like just an elongated episode of Case Closed/ Detective Conan. Granted, a very GOOD episode of Case Closed/Detective Conan, but an episode nonetheless. It’s got everything: twists, turns, bombs, and bullshit. Hell, it actually starts off exactly like an episode of Case Closed/Detective Conan too, with them wrapping up a case with Conan knocking Mouri out. It made me kinda nostalgic towards the series, and briefly reminded me about what I loved about it. Its over-the-top ridiculousness that also remained to be a fun little whodunit of the week. The film itself was consistent with the plot, and remained on a single large mystery with a serial bomber. As to that serial bomber’s motivation after the reveal, it was…eh? It’s a tortured artist who wants to blow all of his works because he’s a perfectionist…and he’s wrapping Kudou into it because…he wants to play a game while he does it? Sure, the mysterious one pulling the string is a fun villain to have, but the villain’s gotta have either an actual good motive, or be so powerful that all these smaller things amuse him/her in order for that to work. The villain fits neither of those, as while he is closest to the latter, he doesn’t actually have build-up to this drastic measure. You’d think he’d start off small with the crimes until he worked his way up ala The Most Dangerous Game or Kraven the Hunter, but no. He just jumps straight to bombs that he just HAS for some reason. This then leads to the main issue with the film. It just leans too heavily on the mystery, without giving much acknowledgment to the characters. Action set-pieces and chase scenes replaced character development and intrigue with the characters, until the end. But by the time you got to the end, while not completely devoid of emotional weight, which I’m gonna give props to the voice actors behind Mouri and Ran in the dub (or Moore and Rachel) for knocking it outta the park at that end scene, it still could’ve had much more of an oomph if we got more time with the characters. Especially with Ran/Rachel, as she spent most of the time with Serena/Sonoko and pining, as per usual. That being said, the ending was still rather tense and touching. While the animation leaves much to be desired, it evens it out with the action scenes, but, as mentioned before, that leaves it with the issue of just being a longer version of the better episodes of Case Closed/Detective Conan. Is it narratively satisfying? Weeell, ish. It does wrap up the bomb plot, but as for where that leaves the characters…save for the continuity of Leo Joel being the father of a character in a later movie, but we’ll get to that when we get to that. It doesn’t do what you’d want a movie to do, which is expand upon these characters and develop them. Make them more compelling. That or else advance the main plot. It had some good moments, but it just was not enough to leave an impression. ((6/10))

The Fourteenth Target taunted me. It gave me the illusion of perhaps breaking down Mouri’s character, with character moments that were surprisingly solid, seeing a younger Mouri and Megure (which was fun as hell to see in brief,) but yeah, it collapsed underneath its own weight. Intriguing moments in the mystery be damned. The motive for the killer was…it sucked. It sucked SOOOOOOOO bad. Like, you think this is an ex-con going after everyone and anyone that Mouri cared about, which can lead to a lot of interesting character moments if they decided to go that direction. But, of course, it never did. It decided that he was only using that motive FOR COVER to kill several other people for a reason so dumb that it makes Lex Luthor from Batman v Superman look like a goddamned GENIUS. The movie showed Mouri be a badass, sure. And I always live for that kind of shit, but it wasn’t worth it in this thing. The animation, due to how early it was made, also looked just…bad. It looked like just a longer episode from season 2 or 3, save for maybe a couple nice shots with a car, but making the bells and whistles pretty, while not even looking at your engine is a piss poor way to make sure your car works, if you catch my drift. (That may seem weird that I give the other a pass on animation, but not this one, but...I dunno. This one felt extra janky to me. I’ll give it a pass all the same, but still.) The only real praise I can give it, save for the other things I’ve stated, was that its narrative was cohesive and it at least had some character moments that keep it from being completely unwatchable. And that really shouldn’t be a compliment, as much as an expectation for any film in general. ((5/10))

The Last Wizard of the Century was so close. I kind of liked it at some points, but it missed the truly great boat somewhere along the line. In fact, I’d hesitate to call this one anything other than passable, honestly. It’s a filler movie that has echoes of a classic Indiana Jones type adventure. And, to be honest, it does that kinda shit REALLY well. The movie has a classic adventure feel after the Kaito Kid heist comes and goes, and when it does, it feels fresh n’ new for Detective Conan. It has fun traps, treasures and a fun little cast of characters, while also having some really solid comedy sprinkled here and there, and even having a legitimate touching moment towards the end when you see what it is the “memories” egg does. But, that all being said…yeah, this movie’s got issues. Chief among them being that the Kaito Kid shit at the beginning feels like a completely different movie from the rest once we get into the Indiana Jones-esque plot. Heiji is brought in, all of those folks who are immediately associated with Kaito show up, and, after Kaito gets shot—the movie flips on a dime. Those characters are never seen from again. That being said, how they worked Kaito INTO the Indiana Jones-esque plot was cool with him being disguised as Shiratori, but that still doesn’t excuse the fact that it was plot whiplash with how little it felt like it connected. Granted, they’re both fun in their own respects, and keeps you interested, but it’s just really jarring. And then…there’s the scene. The scene I always think about when it comes to this show that makes my blood boil. The “reveal” scene. Right at the end, after they’ve been slowly building up that Ran’s been figuring out “wait…Conan might actually be Shinichi” in an honestly interesting way, with just showing her staring at Conan in the background (except for the end where the straw that broke the camel’s back with her is…honestly it’s really weak. They could’ve done something—ANYTHING, but they didn’t and chose…something just completely underwhelming), until the very end where she finally breaks. She’s in tears, begging for Conan to just tell her that he isn’t Jimmy, and after a moment, he thinks to himself, “I can’t do this anymore.” AND RIGHT BEFORE. HE DECIDES TO REVEAL HIS IDENTITY. IT’S A BIG FUCK YOU, AND KAITO SHOWS UP AND PRETENDS TO BE SHINICHI FOR A BRIEF SECOND TO PERPETUATE THE LIE. Narratively, it’s lackluster. Granted, it makes sense for Kaito to do Jimmy a good turn as he took care of his bird, but…BUT THE ENTIRE SET UP FOR THE REVEAL WAS POINTLESS. While what they did was kind of clever, it never amounted to anything. It didn’t go into detail about WHY Conan’s been keeping this a lie, or WHY he might decide to change his mind and tell her. He just sees her cry and is like “eh, fuck it.” Which makes the reasoning as to WHY HE CONTINUES TO LIE EVEN STUPIDER. GAAAAAAAAAAAH....But. That all being said. The movie does still have its moments. The two separate plots, while jarring to watch back to back, are fun, and how Conan breaks the killer down in the Knight Room is REALLY cool in how it’s done. Does it feel like just a long episode? Eeeeh, ish. Again, there are some really cool moments in here that separate it from the regular Detective Conan fair, but not really. Just…fuck me, I hate this Ran and Shinichi will-they-won’t-they bullshit, because the answer is always the same: “…not yet, we’re still milking this sonnuvabitch.” But, overall, it’s passable. ((6/10))

Captured in Her Eyes is weird. For every good thing this movie does, and I do mean GOOD, it also bungles it up somehow. For example, the movie has two REALLY great things going for it. This police thriller mystery, and the amnesia of Ran. Both are tackled in these really serious ways, and suggests a lot of introspection of the characters. As, not only are half of the suspects cops we already know (one of which ACTUALLY HAS HER LIFE ON THE LINE DURING THE ENTIRE MOVIE,) but it also suggests that it’s going to analyze just why exactly Ran has the relationships that she does in the show. Both of them are making you question EVERYTHING about the characters you know. And that is a BRILLIANT fucking concept. And in some respects…it kind of delivers. There are some surprisingly effective quiet moments, some in depth character dissection with none other than my main man Kogoro Fuckin’ MOURI, and a lot of just REALLY well placed tension. But, the show still bungles it in some fashions. There are some tonal heel turns that make you do a double take, and the show never really dives into the one character relationship that it should in great detail: Shinichi and Ran. Ran starts remembering Shinichi first, for some reason, and…it’s never really explained why. Because of…love? But even then, why does she think that she loves him? She’s got no memory of it, so why the hell is she thinking that way? She also lost all of her memories because she blamed herself for the “death” of Sato, but that’s never really fixed, or at the very least alleviated. It should be this GRAND EMOTIONAL MOMENT when Ran comes to an epiphany of the fact that some things are out of her control, and to stand up for herself…but if she did that, that means that the relationship between Ran and Shinichi might be on the rocks, so, yeah. They do NOT do that. I mean, they KIND OF do? But it isn’t in a really STRONG way. Plus…there’s the kids who are…not gonna lie, they’re really annoying this time around. Granted, they do actually ACCOMPLISH something, and it does show Ran’s humanity despite having amnesia, but still. It should also be noted, that this movie DOES have the issue of not addressing the elephant in the room with most of this mystery: CONAN IS A KID. SO WHY THE FUCK ARE THE POLICE EVEN HUMORING THIS MOTHERFUCKER DURING SUCH A MURDER INVESTIGATION? WHY WOULD THE POLICE DEPARTMENT SHOWING HIM EVIDENCE?! That and the ending is WAY too clean for my liking. Everything gets wrapped up into a bow just a little TOO well. There should be at least SOME small form of tragedy to transpire after all of this. I mean, especially after we just sat through and listened to the villain go through a monologue about why he did what he did. TO A KID. The ending, save for a couple REALLY cool visuals with the “OH GOD I REMEMBER EVERYTHING” scene, falls flat on its face, in my opinion. Anywho, aside from those MASSIVE issues, this is definitely worth at least a glance if you’re familiar with the series. While it DOESN’T go in the direction you’d like it to go, it does at the very least NOD to it, and it does have an interesting little thriller angle to keep you entertained. It ain’t perfect (surprise, surprise) but it’s definitely got some parts in it that are DEFINITELY worth watching. The question is, is it good enough to stomach through the bad? Up to you. ((7/10))

Countdown to Heaven couldn’t have come a second sooner. Because that–THAT is what I’m talking about! Nice action, solid comedy, and ACTUAL. CHARACTER. DEVELOPMENT. I think I should just emphasize that: ACTUAL CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT. I know I’ve talked about this point a lot, but in terms of making something that has characters that you give a shit about, you usually need that development to make them more dynamic. And what’s more, they gave development to the KID CHARACTERS. AND THEY WEREN’T ANNOYING LIKE THEY USUALLY ARE! They just acted like kids, and actually had their moments that made each of them shine! That’s IMPRESSIVE, considering the show’s track record! Not only that, but Ai got a LOT of screen time in this movie, as the movie’s plot is partially linked to the black organization, and while I usually find her character to be a bore, this time I actually genuinely felt for her. I gave a shit about her emotional struggle, her need to find a place to call home after all of her shit went up in smoke. It was, overall, so well DONE. Not only that, but the Ran and Shinichi romance thing in this one DIDN’T make me want to gauge my eyes out with a spork! Mainly because THEY ADDRESS THE ISSUE FINALLY. Which is Conan confronting the fact, however briefly, that he is telling everyone to stop lying AND YET HE HAS NO ROOM TO TALK! Granted, this only goes on for…like a couple sentences, but at LEAST they actually talk about it. And even though it does go for that whole “I can’t die without seeing him one last time” bullshit that I usually hate in this show at the end, it kind of works in this movie. Mainly because it’s one of the earlier movies, and they CAN get away with that. Especially when Ran is ACTUALLY DOING SOME BADASS SHIT WHILE SHE DOES IT, AND ISN’T JUST PINING FOR SHINICHI. The mystery itself was pretty fun too. Had your twists, and turns, and even had the black organization in it, and ACTUALLY had them be worth a damn! They balanced both near perfectly, and had a surprisingly good sense of humor to it. My one gripe is the motive of the killer…because it is honestly VERY weak, but I mean, the mystery leading up to it was cool, and I do love me some clues that were LITERALLY in the background that you had to actually look for to find. Also, there is some artsy thing the dude does when he’s mad at the end, when his plan is revealed is REALLY on the nose…but I still liked it, for some reason. Probably because of the lighting of the scene when it happened. That sounds a lot like more of a backhanded compliment than a critique, but goddammit, I really loved this one. I mean, I guess my main issue would be that damn riddle thing at the beginning that they always add, but even THEN it had a point to it, as it brought itself around at the end and basically echoed the theme of the film itself of how far one will go to escape isolation of the mind. Again, not a critique…OH! I KNOW! That title sequence was REALLY dated. That, and there’s this one moment where the music cue just does NOT work at all…yeah, I know that’s a weak thing to complain about, but come on! It brought a smile to my face, and reminded me why I fell in love with the series all those years ago. Over the top 00’s cheese, a fun whodunit, and it even added in what I’ve always wanted to see in the series: a good ol’ dosage of character development. What’s not to love? ((8/10))

The Phantom of Baker Street seems to be following in Countdown’s footsteps in that it’s a movie I can actually recommend. Of all the films I’ve seen thus far, this is one one that seems to be the most cohesive, and the most cinematic. Including Countdown to Heaven. This film’s got everything, from killer lighting, emotional weight, and EVEN CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT…albiet from side characters who you never see again—BUT STILL. Ya boi is gonna start counting that shit, as I hadn’t seen that before now. Everything in this film just works…y’know, despite the oddball fuckin’ concept that’s basically SAO and the RDJ Sherlock Holmes’ offspring. It still makes it work. There’s an interesting mystery sprinkled throughout, good tension—and is the perfect example of what happens when you take the issue of showing the criminal in one of these mystery flicks. Whilst the killer was shown in this film as well, the movie didn’t spend more than half the runtime reexplaining the crime to you that you just saw, rather, it splits this mystery, this time being investigated by Kudou’s father in a much quieter fashion than the usual fair, and juxtaposes it with the video game’s mystery that Conan’s stuck in. The parallels between the two are intentional, as you’d expect. And that’s to tackle a THEME. This theme being the always classic “sins of the father.” About the weight that holds, and whether or not you can or should crumble underneath it, as well as, in some respects, you can’t avoid it and they will overwhelm you. The film even takes some jabs against the Japanese culture, to make almost a social commentary about how it treats its own citizens. I don’t know if that’s the work of the dub, or if that was in the original, but it still provided LAYERS. L A Y E R S. That all being said, the film does still have a good chunk of issues. Most of which stem from two things: the premise itself and the twist. The premise is…yeah, you’ve gotta be able to swallow this one if you want to get anything out of it. It’s certainly weird to see Conan and the gang running around Victorian London in an attempt to stop Jack the Ripper, while still somehow being in the Sherlock Holmes universe…in a video game…where they will all die if they all get taken out. Again, it’s a bit of a hard pill to swallow, considering what is expected from movies involving Detective Conan, but if you can do it, it’s great. And then, there’s the twist. The twist both makes a lot of sense…but also no sense what so ever. And that’s the identity of “Noah’s Ark.” While some of his actions add up, at that same moment, none of his emotions or cocky, dickish attitude adds up to what “Noah’s Ark” wanted to accomplish and it felt like he was more or less trying to detriment himself from actually getting friends…There’s also a couple other minor things that bothered me, like the voice acting of one of the characters just felt off. AND I KNOW, THAT SEEING ME COMPLAIN ABOUT THE DUB SEEMS COMPLETELY OUT OF LEFT FIELD, but I’m sorry, Moriarty’s voice sounded more ridiculous than the Moriarty from Sherlock at some points. Either way, it was still a load of fun. Kinda left a lot to be desired in terms of development of the main cast, but it did have fun with its premise, and considering the line-up I’ve seen so far, that’s saying a LOT. In fact, I could see how this film could arguably be the deepest in the franchise with how much it decided to run with the ball. My main gripes, and want for more character, and some of the voice acting is going to drag it down from being my favorite of the series, but it’s damn near close. Who knows? Maybe it’ll just be getting better from here on out? ((8/10))

Or…y’know, not. Crossroads at the Ancient Capital isn’t really a movie about Detective Conan, as much as it’s about Detective Heiji. Which could be fine…if you actually like the character. Which I don’t. I personally find him to be this unnaturally boring know-it-all side character that only works in certain scenarios. Now, on a positive note, this movie can have some interesting aspects to it when it wants to. Specifically, when it goes into the bullshit involving Kyoto’s history, and culture. They never outright explain it to you, but just have it happen and you just observe. Coming from a guy who has never seen that kind of stuff before, it kept me somewhat captivated when it was on screen. And I say somewhat, because the rest of this movie is just completely boring. The mystery is bland, the characters are meh, and they made the cardinal sin of making Mouri come off as annoying. How. Fucking. DARE you. Then, the ending comes and just turns the insanity dial up to 11 with some Naruto action bullshit, which comes completely out of left field. I swear, there are two times in this movie where the show just gives the middle finger to physics, and yet also wants you to believe this is a serious drama. Gimme a break. Also, before I forget, the reveal about who the girl Heiji fell in love with back in the day was BULLshit. It’s supposed to be adorable, but it’s bullshit convenience that actually might not work, considering a newspaper article that’s shown in the movie. And to add onto my hatred of the RanxShinichi, you’ve got a bunch of bullshit with the two in eachother’s arms, which is just…Oi. I know it’s just my contempt towards the relationship, but even then it wasn’t even that well done. Them talking lasts for like…one second, and then he KNOCKS HER OUT. Because OH GOD WHAT IF SHE SEES ME TRANSFORM BACK. Granted, the imagery of Shinichi holding Ran’s knocked out body, while he’s having a near heart attack is a REALLY cool image, but it’s there for a couple frames, so it ain’t exactly worth the sit through. Even if you like Heiji’s character, there’s not a lot to really get in this. He does…basically nothing interesting, character wise, and makes the whole thing this huge yawn fest with a couple cultural tidbits splashed in there to try and distract you from how boring it is. The more I think about it, the worse it gets, honestly. It’s just THAT boring. And no, I’m not doing this because this is the first movie I’ve watched that isn’t a dub. If it was a dub, it’d still have the same rating that I’m giving it now. ((3/10))

Y’know going from Phantom to Crossroads was jarring as hell already. But adding Magician of the Silver Sky immediately after? Lord, this isn’t helping matters. You have one that just has weight and surprising depth behind it, to a snoozefest, to a movie that is basically three episodes smashed together. Magician is just a whole lot of meeeehhhh. Basically you have one part Kaito Kid episode, one part murder, and third part “oh shit, we’ve got to land this plane.” The thief shit ends anti-climactically as it doesn’t go anywhere, and the how and reason for the murder is…it has holes for DAYS, let me tell you. Like if you hate your job with this woman, fucking QUIT. Pride be DAMNED, she’s keeping you from getting more work and advancing your career. You got the name of that Hollywood man, fucking CALL HIM—anyway. The only thing that’s actually anything remotely good is the plane landing scenes…but even then, it turns into an instructional video later, and you end up just NOT caring in the slightest. There are no themes, no character depth, no nothing. The only thing remotely interesting is when Ran just blows up at Shinichi for always just dropping in and out of thin air, and she finally reveals that she “likes him”—I’m sorry, but limiting it to “like” is FUCKING LAME. GO ALL OUT IF YOU’RE GONNA DO THAT—but even then, it’s swept under the rug as Ran thinks that the person she told that to was Kaito…I know I hate their relationship, but come on. But I mean, at least it wasn’t completely boring? ((4/10))

Strategy above the Depths film was…it’s hard to describe. It showed you who the “villain” was right off the bat, but doesn’t nearly show off any good execution as Phantom did, so everything felt…off for a Detective Conan movie. It almost didn’t feel like a mystery, or anything, really. It was more events that just happened. Were the events leading to a central theme? At the time while I was watching it, I didn’t think so. The events felt more like filler, some of which were a pain to get through and made my eyes roll. I spent the entire time trying to figure out what the film was trying to do…that is until the end. This, ladies and gentlemen, was another attempt to make a Mouri movie. And let me tell you, I’m left wanting more again. But, I will give the flick this, it did give me somethin’ to chew on. Mouri wasn’t presented as the village idiot most of the time this film around. Sure, he was a doofus and did make an ass of himself in front of a huge crowd of people, but surprisingly he was acting like an actual detective. Throughout the movie he brought up good points, he analyzed everyone’s alibi, and actually caught the baddie. On his own. Which was amazing. In some ways, it almost reminds me of Crossroads, where the movie mainly focused on a side character, but unlike Crossroads, this time around it’s interesting. Mainly because it focused on what makes Mouri interesting, which is the fact that he isn’t perfect. So when he does figure it out, it’s a mind-blow, as well as being oddly touching in a way. There was a flawed humanity you saw in him, this time ‘round. Granted, there are flaws that keep this thing pinned down. The mystery itself wasn’t mind bending as you could tell who the bad guy is from a mile away, Ran’s “character” left much to be desired, and, as I said, it still had some filler…though on that last point I’ll give it a pass. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that the filler contributed to the end of the movie, so it is kind of warranted, albeit it could have been done better and add to a theme the movie could tackle. Was it as perfect as I’d like it to be? No. But it does actually provide some kind of character depth to one of my favorites in the show. And they don’t sugar coat it by making him perfect, he is still an incompetent sonuvabitch, but you see where his heart is, and that he’s just trying. Even at the end, when he’s throwing down with the villain of the movie, he was losing. BAD. It made you tense, you wanted to finally see this man succeed. At least ONCE. And it delivered. There’s some Ran and Shinichi shit in here, but I didn’t mind it, particularly. I…I honestly do not know where to put this. On the one hand, it did what Countdown did, and provided, while not character development, but character depth to at least some degree. It also did the thing that Phantom did and showed the bad guy before the case was solved, so, if they’re going to go that same route, it should still work. However, it was still sloppy in execution. As I’ve said, the mystery, for the most part, was boring as it felt as though the writer didn’t know how to execute tension properly, which Phantom was able to do in spades. That and the filler made this one really drag, even if it was partially warranted. I wanna give this thing praise for actually going that extra mile by giving something that’s character related, but I don’t think it’s earned it in as it never went far enough in that same vein…But it is definitely a movie I’m going to have to see again to get a better feel for. ((5.5/10))

The Requiem of a Detective…or The Private Eye’s Requiem?…I dunno, I keep getting different title names for it, and I can’t seem to figure out which one is the official translation, but whatever. This film provided one of the most PROMISING IDEAS…but dashed it in exchange for maintaining the status quo. I went into this with high hopes, with the firm belief that maybe—JUST MAYBE!—this could be the great movie in this series, as many people have touted it as the best of this movie series. But alas, it ain’t. I’ll forgive the Reboot-esque 3D models, as it was just a part of the time. But what I will NOT forgive, is setting up an interesting dynamic that could really have your characters shine…and replace it with bullshit that we’ve seen over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over again. Ok. So you have this dude who has Kogoro and Conan’s loved ones stuck in Miracle Land with bombs strapped to their wrists. And, in exchange for them solving some riddle/mystery by a certain time limit, those loved ones get to live. So now, it’s a race against the clock as Kogoro and Conan have to solve the case. And, initially, it ain’t half bad. I’ll say it once, and I’ll say it again. Kogoro is my favorite character, and to see him and Conan bounce off each other in that beginning section was REALLY fun. But then, as it progresses, Kogoro is tossed out for Heiji. Then for “totally not Kaito Kid.” And that’s honestly kind of a letdown, as I was hoping to see the two AT LEAST bond. Having the characters, y’know, PROGRESS. BECOME CLOSER?! AT LEAST UNDERSTAND EACHOTHER?! BUT NO! LET’S GET BACK TO THE BANTER BETWEEN HEIJI AND CONAN SOME MORE. IT’S NOT LIKE WE’VE SEEN THAT 50,000 TIMES. And the movie doesn’t even do anything interesting with THEM either. They’re just sort of…there. Granted, maybe this could be fixed with a good mystery? NOPE! The mystery is something I figured out the instant I saw all the clues. There were no twists, there were no turns—it was completely straight forward. And that is the main issue. They’re just repeating themselves in this. Nothing new is said, nothing interesting is had—nothing. To say this was disappointing, is an understatement. But I will give it this, there was actually some REALLY good tension right at the end with the bombs in the restaurant…the only issue, is that it’s right at the end. Only things interesting about this was both that, and Kogoro being awesome with that little note he wrote, and his little 1v1s with Conan. But that lasted for not even a blink of the running time, so yeah. It isn’t savin’ this turkey anytime soon…but I’ll give it .5 points for trying. ((4.5/10))

I was told that Jolly Roger of the Deep Azure was the worst one in the movie series…and I can kind of see why. This movie didn’t insult me, nor was it completely abhorrent, but it still had some reeeeaally obvious issues. Chief among these issues is the whole idea they wasted. You set up two female pirates from the old days, and go on about how they did a bunch of shit, and you put Sonoko and Ran there and say “LOOK AT THESE GUYS! THEY’RE TOOOOOOOTALLY JUST LIKE THE PIRATE GIRLS!” when they do not actually show anything about how they’re related personality wise. If the movie focused on Ran and Sonoko, and we saw their friendship blossom to ACTUALLY WARRANT THE PARALLEL between these two pirates, then sure. Alright. I’ll buy it. But they don’t. If anything, the pirates are just there for background purposes. As well as a lot of the stuff in this movie, honestly. Nothing felt like it mattered. There was a man who died after being CHEWED UP BY SHARKS, and it doesn’t really affect anything in the overall plot. I feel I should reiterated that, a man DIED, and the death’s purpose was…nonexistent. Not only that, but even when it came to the plot, the motive of the killer made a whole lot of sense! AND ALSO. For something that’s supposed to be this GRAND MYSTERY, this INDIANA JONES type shit, why are the puzzles so FUCKING OBVIOUS!? Literally, the old man figured it out with an old map he had…and pointed to the island everyone had been to that looked EXACTLY LIKE A SKULL. GEE. I WONDER WHERE THE PIRATE TREASURE IS?! You mean to tell me that nobody even TRIED to look in there?! Nobody actually BOTHERED to go searching in the dumbass catacombs, and tried BLOWING THE DOORS OPEN?! Or, I dunno, SOLVING THE OBVIOUS AS HELL PUZZLE FOR THE DOOR?! Nothing in this movie added up, and the movie doesn’t seem to CARE that it didn’t add up. Nothing affects anything in the grand scheme. Character moments are non-existent, save for one freak-out moment by Mouri that was brief, and I wanted expanded on, but I never get because why should good things happen to good people? The opening was just…weird, too. Like it had a brief Lupin III thing that was just…there for the sake of being there. Which is another thing, different characters, or things are just brought up and dropped for no real reason, adding to that idea that everything. Felt. Pointless. Why bother telling this story, if there’s nothing for the characters to gain from it, or anything interesting to keep the audience entertained? Only good thing is that this had the best title sequence out of all of the movies, in my opinion. It’s still a chore, especially this many movies in, but with the way it flowed as the characters were interacting in the car, I couldn’t help but think that it felt natural. For once the characters aren’t COMPLETE morons, so I’ll also give ‘em that…well at least for the most part. The killer, who you know who it is the instant he hits the screen with how “not obvious” he is, is a moron. Also, there was something he did that was so distinct that never came into play in the end, again adding to the whole dropping random things. But, backhanded compliments aside, that’s really it with the positives. With no twists, no mystery, no character, and no effort…the only thing going for it is that it didn’t completely piss me off. It just bored me. But, is that innately better, or worse? ((3/10))

FULL SCORE OF FEAR WAS REALLY GODDAMN DUMB. LIKE, Ok. Ok. Lemme breathe. Do not misunderstand me. There are some really, FUCKING REALLY good moments in this thing. Which, in no part, is DIRECTLY linked to the music choice used in this thing. In fact, I’d hazard to say that there is a scene around the middle/end that is probably one of the best scenes I have SEEN thus far in one of these movies, due to how well the music and the scene just WORKED (it’s the Amazing Grace flashback sequence, if you wanted to know.) When it does shit like that, and uses minimal dialogue with the compliment of some of that SWEET classical music, it does take on a life of its own, which makes it a standout among these movies that, to be honest, have started to blend together. BUT. THAT ALL BEING SAID, CHRIST ON CRUTCHES WAS THIS MOVIE DUMB. Like, it’s not dumb on the levels of where it’s so bad that it becomes enjoyable, but more of dumb in the sense of HOW DO YOU NOT KNOW HOW THIS BASIC FUCKING THING WORKS?! LIKE. OK. Ok. First of all. The shit with the phone and calling people WITH YOUR VOICE TO MIMIC THE DIAL-TONE. IS THE STUPIDEST THING I’VE EVER SEEN. You mean to tell me that you can use the human voice to mimic the dial tone, in the EXACT HERTZ NEEDED, ACROSS A LAKE, WHERE NATURAL SOUNDS SURROUND YOU, AND WHILE THE PHONE IS DANGLING AND SWAYING UPSIDE DOWN WHILE BEING HELD BY THE WIRE—FUCK YOURSELF. NO. NOT HOW THAT WORKS. SECONDLY. SOUNDPROOFING DOESN’T WORK THAT WAY. I do not care how much soundproofing shit you shove up the ass of this concert hall, YOU CAN’T MUTE EXPLOSIONS. ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY’RE LITERALLY A DICK MEASURE AWAY. BASIC FUCKING LOGIC. And even with some sort of black magic bullshit…YOU MEAN TO TELL ME NOBODY SMELLED THE SMOKE!? NOBODY LEFT TO TAKE A PISS OUTSIDE AND NOTICED “HEY. LOOK. THERE’S A FUCKING WAR GOING ON OUTSIDE.” THIRDLY. DOES NO ONE HAVE PERIPHERAL HEARING?! THERE’S A GUNSHOT RIGHT BEFORE A PERFORMANCE, AND NOBODY APPARENTLY HEARS IT. OK. COOL. FOURTHLY. APPARENTLY, CUFFING A GUY WITH A BOMB DETONATOR ISN’T POLICE PROCEDURE! ESPECIALLY WHEN THERE’S A GUN HE MAGICALLY PULLS OUT OF HIS ASS FOR THE FINAL CONFRONTATION. GOD. Logical BOUNDS exist THROUGHOUT the second half of this movie. Fuck jumping the shark, we’ve jumped that shark’s entire family LINEAGE with this shit. And when your show is based off of “one truth prevailing” and how logic can always see its way through…yeah, no. Go fuck yourself. I will give the movie this, the first half of this movie ain’t half bad. It has some surprisingly solid comedy, and the beginning of an interesting delve into an actual FIGHT between Ran and Shinichi which peers into their relationship…BUT BECAUSE LIFE HATES ME, THE SECOND HALF JUST BUNGLES THAT LAST PART UP. Like, REALLY?! Your response is “oh look there’s a parallel between this guy who could never forgive his best friend for…being a pretty decent dude, honestly. Like think about it, that motherfucker basically gave you a music hall for being his best friend, and even though it was making you depressed, rather than saying ‘y’know, imma sell this property and go back to what makes me happy,’ Imma blow you all to hell…to Shinichi calling you an idiot.” Like, yes. I get it. Forgiveness is important. BUT NUMBER ONE, THIS MOTHERFUCKER DOESN’T DESERVE IT, SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING YOUR AUDIENCE THIS—granted, this isn’t the WORST thing Shinichi’s done, but the fact that it ends with Ran saying “you didn’t even have to apologize for me to forgive you” or something along those lines just made me fucking SICK. CHRIST. I HATE THEIR RELATIONSHIP WITH A BURNING PASSION BECAUSE IT COMPLETELY MAKES NO SENSE AND IS DAMN NEAR THE DEFINITION OF A LEECH….Fuck me. It does have some things that save it from being the downright worst I’ve seen outta here…but Christ was this dumb. ((4/10))

I remember watching The Raven Chaser years and years ago, and I just have very vivid memories about how it just pissed me off. So, coming back to it, I was dreading watching it. But, to my pleasant surprise…it wasn’t half bad. Honestly, it is one of the better Conan movies I’ve seen thus far. It had some solid action, solid tension, cool mystery, and the introduction to a REALLY cool Black Organization member who was, and as of this day from what I’ve seen, the most effective at his job, as he both infiltrates a band of cops during a serial killer investigation, and also is able to find out Conan’s actual identity…in the first 45ish minutes of the movie. The only issue with that is…he doesn’t do anything about it for a good…like hour. Whilst that could be seen as driving tension…it really isn’t. How? Well, ok. Lemme ‘splain to you you ‘bout a little thing in cinema called the “show-the-bomb” trick. There’s this old cinema belief that Hitchcock used that was deemed extremely effective when it came to tension. Basically, you show the audience a bomb underneath the table, pan up, and through that single shot, you just have them talking, without them noticing that a bomb is right underneath them. That immediately creates tension throughout the scene. And whilst that could possibly be what this movie was going for, with showing the audience that someone knows about Conan’s identity to create tension as they WAIT for something to come out of it in anticipation, it doesn’t exactly work in this scenario because, unlike the “show-the-bomb” trick, you know it’s going to go off in a certain set amount of time. And even though you’re shown that the hidden organization member MIGHT have told Gin, nothing comes of it. There’s no suggestion to the audience that his life, or the lives of his loved ones, are in any danger, save for the way a couple sentences are phrased early on. But that’s mainly because the focus shifts. I’m finding that to be another real issue with these movies. A lack of focus. They try to do two things at once, rather than trying to one and balancing it well. The only exception being Countdown and Phantom. Countdown didn’t try to put too much on its plate, as it focused on Ai’s character development, and how it played on her fears of being alone, which was partially mirrored by the killer of that film being someone who had the only real stability in his life be taken away from him. As for Phantom, it actually DID manage to balance two separate mysteries, but it was able to do so through proper pacing and tension while also showing a character go through a kind of arc. The Raven Chaser tries to pile on two separate mysteries, without actually going in depth with anyone’s character. Again, the movie is good. The mystery was fun, and the organization preceded to be kickass in this version…But it’s JUST good. Nothing spectacular. It could have been so much more if they’d just dropped the mystery for once, and actually had something that went into Conan’s goddamn character. You give me that movie, and I’ll finally be happy…but something tells me that I won’t, will I? ((6.5/10))

The Lost Ship in the Sky… Riiiiiight. This a weird one, to be sure. I mean…where do I even begin? Do with I start with how it’s first 15 minutes were the worst I’ve seen come out of one of these movies thus far? Do I start with how damn near wasted a fantastic concept of Ran thinking that Shinichi was Kaito Kid was? Do I start with how this film had the most badass villains I’ve seen come out of these movies thus far with their little homage to Die Hard? Or do I start with the astonishing fact that this is the first time I’ve ever actually LIKED Kaito Kid’s character, when he was placed next to Conan for that little bit they had? Let’s start with that one, because I REALLY liked that part. For what little time these two shared in screentime, they SOLD. Their dynamic was lightning fast, and was damn near flawless when compared to how boring it usually is. Call me nuts, but I prefer Kaito Kid like that. Vulnerable, and slightly airheaded, while still remaining to be at the top of his game through sheer luck. Accompany that with Conan’s hard-nosed personality, and you’ve got a fantastic combo. And do not get me STARTED with how great and intimidating these villains were. They got down to business, played no shit, and were just fun to watch muck around with the characters. And that, my friends, is probably where the compliments stop. Because while those things are fantastic, and I will not stop singing those praises…yeah, it still screws up at some points. Mainly with something that I really wanted to see delved into that was completely sidetracked: Ran thinking that Shinichi is Kid. THAT is an idea that I’ve been thinking about for a long time, and I’ve always thought it could give some new perspective on their relationship. How WOULD Ran react if she’s shown that Shinichi is actually just a thief all this time that he’s spent lying to her, and claiming he was on important business? Well, unfortunately, that’s never delved into. We get a hint, but it reverts to, at the end “Shinichi, you need to turn yourself in!” which feels…completely weird in terms of her character? Like, I get that she has a rigid moral code and all, but the movie itself never really explores that idea of what would make her tell the “love of her life” to…go to jail. Like…that feels like a waste to me, y’know? I mean granted, it does end with Ran kissing Kid, which was fun for me because I THRIVE ON SHINICHI’S PAIN, but it wasn’t really worth it. Also, the sound design in this one was particularly off. At some points, the music cues are just…bad. That music does not fit with that. Stop, for the love of god, please stop. All in all, definitely one of the more entertaining Detective Conan films. I did find myself getting giddy at points…only to get disappointed because what I was getting giddy over never came, but at least there was SOMETHING. It’s no Crossroads, but it certainly ain’t no Countdown either. ((6/10))

Quarter of Silence is surprisingly relatively solid, looking back on it. It was a smaller piece about a tiny town, and this intricate lie that these folks within in it have built, and how it’s all crumbling around them the instant that a little boy miraculously awakens from an eight year coma. That in and of itself is a killer set-up, and it lends itself to echoes of thrillers and crime movies that BEG to be told…but this is Detective Conan we’re talking about, so that doesn’t happen. As I said this was a RELATIVELY solid movie. It still falls into the pitfalls of what makes Detective Conan movies what they are. They focus on the wrong items, and choose to play into these tropes that they themselves are beating beyond death itself, rather than expanding upon these ideas, and exploring what they’d mean for our main characters. They mention this in passing, but the kid who awakens from a coma is now eight years older than he used to be, and now he’s in this state of shock where he doesn’t recognize anyone anymore, and doesn’t fully know how to handle this sudden time jump. That’s a VERY OBVIOUS parallel to Conan and Ai’s situation. So what do they do?! They save it for a small freak-out scene, where the character TELLS US his situation, rather than SHOWING us, and Ai makes the VERY BLUNT COMMENT about the parallel. That’s it. Never expanded upon. Because FUCK YOU for wanting depth. The film chooses, again, to focus on things that we’ve already seen done to death. The kids, Kogoro wanting a girlfriend, Ran not liking that, the quiz shit with Agasa, banter between Ai and Conan that doesn’t accomplish anything, Sonoko pestering Ran about her obsession with Shinichi, Ran PINING for Shinichi, and blah, blah, blah. With such a lack of variety, it leaves you staring at the screen and BEGGING for something to fucking HAPPEN. Luckily, the movie provides some solace. Some shots are downright gorgeous, and the action scenes ain’t too shabby. Hell, the cold open, pun not intended, was REALLY great this time around…until it cut to an action scene. The mystery, again, is pretty fun. Giving off an almost Fargo-esque vibe to the homegrown murderers that are either trying to cover it up to maintain normality, or fueled by greed. When it does that, it’s fun. Which is to say…when it doesn’t focus on Conan and his group, the movie is actually pretty competent, while still lacking. I feel like that says a lot about how the movie likes to treat its main cast of characters… ((5/10))

The Eleventh Striker was just weak. There was nothing character wise. The editing was godawful. It focused on these soccer pricks, and they didn’t even amount anything in the grand scheme. And then there’s this celebrity soccer player that’s plopped in there just for kicks (pun not intended.) He’s just there! Playing soccer with Conan while a shitty pop song plays halfway through the movie. Because…fuck you. Characters that are brought in are dropped, and never resolved. The main characters themselves are really just…bad, this time round, save for the end. Ai is…ok, remember when I said I finally liked her character? Well this movie made me reconsider that fact, because she’s fucking…WEIRD. She does things to Conan…for…reasons? Unexplained reasons, specifically. Ran is…I’m not even gonna say she was there, that implies that a character with that name was there, which there wasn’t. There was a cardboard cutout that didn’t contribute in the slightest except for as a damsel in distress…AGAIN. Y’see, a reason I loved and still love Countdown, is the fact that Ran wasn’t a goddamn damsel in distress. She got shit DONE. She saved Conan’s ass. SEVERAL TIMES. Here…she does nothing, except for accidentally sit on a bomb. Wheeeeeee. Slight props I will give to this thing, there was no stupid joke made by Sonoko about “OH SHINICHI” to taunt Ran, which has been in every movie I’ve seen thus far…and it’s gotten old. REAL quick. Like I got tired of it 3 movies IN kinda old. So to see a movie NOT do that was…a relief to see. Kogoro was pretty solid in this movie, showing that there’s an actual human behind the drunkard, but, again, I’d like more. ESPECIALLY in this one. As the motive of the killer links himself to something that Kogoro did in the past, and yet it’s never gone into. It’s not explored on an emotional level. Whilst the motive behind this killer’s shtick is pretty solid, and had a couple REALLY nice things goin’ on at the end with visuals, with the guy kinda going insane with grief, the movie fails to really go into that in detail and, frankly, doesn’t match up with the shit he DOES. He wants Kogoro and the fans of a soccer team to suffer for accidentally letting a kid die…THEN WHY NOT ATTACK KOGORO SPECIFICALLY?! MAKE HIM SUFFER AS HE HAS SUFFERED BY, OH I DUNNO, GOING AFTER HIS DAUGHTER?! OR HIS FRIENDS?! You wanna go after the soccer fans—BUT HALF OF THEM WEREN’T EVEN THERE, YA DIPSHIT. FUCK, THAT’S DUMB. Conan points out it’s stupid and, yeah. It’s REALLY fucking stupid. Granted, one could argue he’s in an emotional state—BUT HE’S BEEN PLANNING THIS ELABORATE SHIT FOR MONTHS. YOU TELLIN’ ME HE DIDN’T ONCE STOP TO CONSIDER—hey. Maybe it’d be better if I went after this douche specifically, as some of these folks I’d be killing would have NOTHING TO DO WITH IT. Again. It’s a really cool motive. Emotional, wraps around to his lost passions of soccer, and shows that his one tie to humanity has been severed. It’s a rad concept. I LOVE THAT CONCEPT. THAT’S ONE OF THE REASONS I LOVE ZEMO IN CIVIL WAR, BUT IT DOESN’T WORK HERE. BECAUSE THE PEOPLE HE’S TRYING TO KILL WILL NOT BE AFFECTED. AND YOU’RE LETTING KOGORO PLAY IN YOUR GAME, RATHER THAN ACTUALLY GETTING REVENGE BECAUSE…FUCK. I’ve changed my mind. I was going to give it a higher score, but no. No, no, no, no, no. This movie was STUPID that somehow gets worse the more you think about it. It had some cool shots, but at least Full Score had music to make up for its short comings. HOTDAMN was this one just a chore. And that after credits scene was a big middle finger, too. Go to hell. ((3.5/10))

Private Eye on the Distant Sea definitely reminds me a lot of Captured in Her Eyes as being this mixed bag, which is surprising, as I thought going into this that this was going to be the worst movie of the bunch, as it was listed as such by several websites. But I can safely tell you that it very much ISN’T. It’s also not the best either, and it has more bad than good unlike Captured in Her Eyes wich was more good than bad, but I’m gonna get to that. I do want to mention that, for the most part, this felt like a goddamn propaganda piece. Like, do you remember why I was impressed with how brutally honest Phantom was in its commentary about the Japanese education system? Well, FUCK THAT! Here we’re giving the navy the good ol’ military salute it DESERVES. I didn’t think it detracted from the film, as I mostly found myself chuckling about it, and thinking back to how some really, REALLY terrible movies from America do the exact same goddamn thing, but, much like those American films, when they do that, the showboating (pun not intended) delays the plot in more ways than one, and you leave your audience just waiting to go for a good chunk of the movie. And honestly, that’s the worst crime you can commit. Like, suck the dick of whatever military branch you want, they deserve it, and all the power to ya, but if you’re in a movie format, then goddammit, at least have it flow. The environment itself wasn’t really anything to write home about, either. When I think back to the film, I remember how boring and uninteresting that setting was, which was odd, considering how much it felt like it was supposed to be doing the opposite with its never-ending praise of the navy. As for the mystery…it was actually really good. The reveal of who killed the man with one arm is honestly very well motivated, and is really fun to try and pin down, especially when it isn’t completely telegraphed, and there was a legitimately well placed red herring throughout. To the point, where you honestly believed the case was over, only to have the tables turned on you. There are also a couple really good moments in this movie, and surprisingly well done comedy—especially towards the beginning. But, that being said, the movie does have its fair share of issues. And lord almighty, are they issues. First and foremost of them being that film, logically, has no real reason to take place. There’s a spy aboard this ship, and they know that this spy is aboard this ship, and yet, despite this being a military vehicle, and, again, A SPY THAT COULD REVEAL INTERNATIONAL SECRETS THAT ARE ON THIS SAME BOAT, they let on tourists because…well that’s not really explained either. There are several times where I was left scratching my head, and wondering why the hell the boat hasn’t turned around already. ESPECIALLY considering that the boat had an APPENDAGE OF A DEAD MAN ON BOARD. BUT NO! WE MUST MAINTAIN COVER BECAUSE…yeah. Logic for set-up is very RARE to find in this movie. Maybe the Japanese military is more lax than US military, but I don’t buy for a second that a boat with that much important shit on board, and with a spy also on board, would just make rounds around the sea for no reason. ALSO. WHY WOULD THEY JUST LET CIVILIANS IN THE ROOM WHERE THEY PLAN OUT THEIR SHIT?! ESPECIALLY WHEN THERE’S A WOMAN MISSING. GET THE CRYING CHILDREN OUT, SO YOU CAN FUCKING CONCENTRATE. CHRIST THAT BOTHERED THE EVER LOVING PISS OUTTA ME. There’s also the little issue of the final act being unnecessary. Granted, it does provide some really good emotional moments with Conan, which is REMARKABLE TO SEE, seeing as how for the longest time I’ve found it so difficult to see him actually show any genuine emotion towards Ran, that to see him actually break down into tears, if only for a second, was a NIIIICE change of pace. But that in itself contains a small issue, of the reason WHY Ran (who is the woman drowning in this scenario, btw) came from the brink of death. The power of love. And THAT is bullshit. This ain’t a goddamn fairy tale, this is Detective fucking Conan. If you’re going to have her life rescued, have it be with Conan using logic, or hell, SOMEBODY using logic. Granted, they HALF did, but that’s not what TRULY saved Ran’s ass in the end. That was one true love pulled out the ass of a unicorn bullshit. The good parts in the movie DO keep it from just completely crashing and burning, but I ain’t gonna lie, the bad parts do keep this thing anchored to the bottom of the sea. ((4/10))

The Dimensional Sniper. To quote from the movie itself…”OH CHRIST.” I can’t even properly DESCRIBE to you the amount of unintentional enjoyment I derived from this fuckin’ thing. Specifically because of the AMERICAN “ACTORS” THEY GOT IN THIS SHIT. MAN OH MAN. WERE THEY BAD. But in that so bad, it’s fucking GOLD sort of way. IT’S HILARIOUS. It’s has to be seen to be believed. Anywho, much like the other movies, main supporting characters are dropped. Like Mouri. And Megure. But, y’know, it at least keeps the characters who are SUSPECTS from disappearing unlike some other movies I’ve seen thus far. Plus, the amount of just STRAIGHT CHEESE that the series is INFAMOUS AND JUST FAMOUS for is on FULL DISPLAY HERE. It gives the middle finger to physics several times, and doesn’t give a damn what you have to say about that. And…lord, I’m sorry, but I can’t just stop talking about these voice actors. There was a dude who sounded like a watered down Soldier 76 who yelled “YUH-YOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUU” at the top of his lungs, and I had to pause the movie because I was laughing so hard. Add to that the fact that they’re trying to make this American Sniper-esque story, because I’m guessing the screenwriter or director watched that movie the night before and churned this out without knowing how the military in America WORKS, which is on full display when it comes to the scheme that set the killer into motion…coming from a kid from a military town, it’s either the most insulting thing I’ve ever seen, or the stupidest thing I’ve ever seen. I’m gonna say the latter. Especially when the actual killer is this…I don’t even know what to call him. The amount of homoerotic undertones are so paramount they become OVERTONES. It’s obviously unintentional, but it’s there. And it’s HILARIOUS. ESPECIALLY with that fucking “acting” going on. When I jokingly say “anime is a sin,” this is definitely what I’m thinking about. But you can’t help but just enjoy the “sin” and all of its glory. It’s like a movie interpretation of “Devil’s Food Cake.” It’s completely unhealthy, but hotdamn is it a good time. The film also helped by the fact that the action in this piece ain’t half bad. It’s pretty solid, for the most part, surprisingly. Though the characters are, surprise surprise, severely lacking. The ending is the stupidest and funniest thing I’ve seen in a while, especially when Ran does her equivalent of a Gurren Lagan speech. There were also two characters that were apparently regulars who I wasn’t familiar with, Sera and Okiya. No clue as to who they’re supposed to be since I haven’t been keeping up with the show as it is...y’know 800+ episodes. But from what I’ve seen in here…meh, they’re Ok. I mean…Sera is basically a female Heiji, but with a more tolerable attitude. And Okiya was…a character? I think? I dunno. Point is, this movie was unintentionally funny as hell. Definitely among the so bad it’s good territory. As such, this is going to get the low, low, LOW ranking it deserves, but just know that this is one that I’d actually recommend…though not for any reason the filmmakers were hoping for, I assure you. ((3/10))

Sunflowers of Inferno was just plain generic. It does all the rounds you expect it to, what with this being a Kaito Kid vs movie–which is a thing, if you haven’t noticed. And, similar to that of what I’m noticing of these later movies, it’s just sort of there. It lacks any sort of point except for “HEY! WE MADE AN EPISODE LONG ENOUGH TO BE A MOVIE!” But, anyway, as something that is just dumb fun…it’s Ok. It’s not the worst thing in the world, but it’s certainly lacking. Take the character development. You have these “seven samurai” (which is a fun little reference and cool ass name to-boot,) who are these curators who are keeping these van Gogh paintings safe. And then, when fit hits the shan, it’s revealed that there is a traitor amongst them. Later on in the movie, one of the characters is revealed to have a dark past, and having apparently shot his brother over these paintings, which we see in one of the coolest scenes in this movie. But, at the end of the day, it doesn’t even matter. He has NOTHING to do with the point at hand. The ACTUAL “Judas” in the group is some underdeveloped bitch that makes the killers from every other movie look like a GENIUS. The killer is surprisingly underwhelming, and the twist of who it is comes out of nowhere…mainly because it feels completely tacked on. The development of these “seven samurai” is lop-sided, and not well handled in the slightest, save for Charlie and the “other traitor,” who technically isn’t a traitor, but even then it wasn’t that well telegraphed as to how ANYONE could figure it out. I’m not saying tell your audience “THIS IS THE GUY,” but at least make some REFERENCE to it so that way it can blow your audience’s mind when they see it. (Not saying the second dude who is doing it’s well hidden, he’s not. But who he actually turns out to be is…this sounds really confusing, probably, and I’m going to stop while I’m ahead.) But I will say, I dug the shit out of Charlie during this movie, mainly because he was tired of Conan’s shit. Then there’s the treatment of Conan’s “harem.” *shudder* Ran continues to be that character who, while she can kick your ass, only does it at the orders of some guy she’s in love with. Bit of a stretch from the badass I remember from the show, and Countdown. As for Ai…ok, after Countdown, I finally fell in love with her character. She finally grew on me. BUT, she’s also seemed to have turned into this woman PINING for Conan’s affection, despite knowing she’ll never have it. And…honestly, the show isn’t giving me much room to not think that Conan and Ai are right for eachother, when Conan shares more secrets and is more personal with Ai than Ran, who he CONTINUES TO LIE TO…got a bit off topic there, sorry. But anyways, Ai is reduced to also pining for Shinichi, despite actually having a more in-depth character than that. She uses her brains to think through a situation, and has often had to pull Shinichi out of the fire…so to have her sit on the sidelines this entire time and not contribute to the plot feels…pointless. Anyways, yeah. There are a couple cool scenes in the movie, despite my complaints, and there were some characters and moments I did enjoy. Lookin at YOU, Charlie. You magnificent bastard. But otherwise, meeeeeehhhhh. ((4/10))

The Darkest Nightmare was less of a dark nightmare as much as an alright daydream. There were cool action scenes, fun interludes, and probably one of the best endings to one of these movies that I’ve EVER seen with them killing off a character in a badass way after SOME ACTUAL FORM OF CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT. I’m tellin’ ya, it is a thing of beauty for these movies. FINALLY we see that the hero can’t have his cake, and eat it to…only, it’s not the main character. It’s a side character they JUST introduce to add some intrigue. Ran is given the wayside for a really just pointless reason, and Mouri is just plain WASTED as he’s relegated to a background piece, and nothing really matters in the long run. The Organization are actually kind of FUN in this, as they aren’t completely and utterly incompetent, AND ACTUALLY APPEAR FOR THE FIRST TIME IN, WHAT…7 MOVIES?! But, again, it’s still underwhelming as it falls into the pit of actually having no REAL stakes in the matter. There’s no tension throughout this entire thing, until the very end with the ferris wheel. Granted, that scene is pretty fun, but because you have no real emotional connection to what’s going on, it doesn’t actually matter. Even the character who has amnesia suffers, as while she was the one who actually got character development, you don’t really care. Her development is, honestly, kinda sloppy as it reminds me of a lesser Captured in Her Eyes attempt, only now it’s the old “oh, I have kid friends now. So maybe…I shouldn’t be killing people!” cliché. Again, the end is pretty fun, even though there is one REALLY STUPID THING IN IT INVOLVING A HUGE SOCCER BALL, but you have to get through the rest to get it. OH, and before I forget, all of this will no doubt impact the characters…not. ((5.5/10))

–

AND THAT’S GAME, LADIES AND GERMS. 

All twenty FUCKING Detective Conan movies. Not including the ovas, the 21st film (which I heard may already be out?? But as the time I’m writing this, I couldn’t find it,) and the Lupin III crossover. 

I sat through all of these fuckin’ things, and let me tell you…I think I see the main issue with this show. I know I kind of touched on it in my previous rant, but it didn’t feel right, y’know? Like I was missing those exact words in which to properly pin down what exactly about the show felt wrong. Through these flicks, though each had its own set of problems, they all had the same large pressing issue that towered above them.

They leave you wanting to have seen more.

They come close, but save for two times, they swing and miss. Over and over. These movies don’t actually feel like movies for the most part. They feel like longer episodes with no real weight or baggage. A criticism of the show, and I agree with it, is that it’s basically INFINITE filler. The show doesn’t give a shit about its characters. All it cares about is the mysteries. In fact, you could argue that it’s very similar to the way in which a police procedural functions, with the focus not being relegated to the cops on the case, but the case itself. Only this show thinks that on subconscious level that you honestly do not give a shit about the cops investigating the case, as much as the case itself, so it doesn’t focus on it. The characters become lesser, and more of pawns in which to move the plot forward. This then leads to the question of, if your creator doesn’t give a damn about the characters, then why should your audience? Why should we care about wanting to see Ran and Shinichi back together? Why should we give a shit if Shinichi’s identity ever came out, especially if we haven’t seen those consequences to think Kudo’s worst fears might ever happen? Why should we think of the black organization as a threat if you’re not going to even address them for seven years in the show and the movies? Why do we care about Sonoko? Why do we care about Heiji? Why do we care about the kids? Megure? Sato? Takagi? Ran? Over the course of all these movies, there have only been two that I’ve actually cared about: Ai and Mouri. And that’s because both actually got some inkling of development, and they actually show at least a fraction of complexity to their respective characters. What’s more, I mainly got those moments from the earlier movies, when it felt like they had idea about where they wanted to go. But the more the franchise pressed on, the more the characters became caricatures of themselves…though I suppose that’s going to happen when you beat a dead horse for roughly 20+ years.

Final thoughts. This show continues to perplex me, and I think it always will. It’ll never do what I want it to do, but I just can’t help but hope. I want to see these characters finally change. I want consequences for actions. I want tension. I want intrigue. I want BASICALLY ANYTHING that suggests narrative competency. Twenty movies in, and I have two truly good movies to show for it. And it doesn’t look like it will be getting better any time soon…god damn this show…

[spotlightsaga]

Kevin Cage of @spotlightsaga reviews... Fargo (S03E02) The Principle of Restricted Choice Airdate: April 26, 2017 @fxnetworks @fargofx Ratings: 1.061 Million :: 0.32 18-49 Demo Share Score: 9.25/10 **********SPOILERS BELOW********* This is not a great week for Carrie Coon and technology... Here, as (*ex* chief Gloria Burgle) she has no use for computers in police work and on top of that, as silly as it sounds, it's like machines are completely ignoring her from cell phones to door censors. Radiation was a theory we threw around in the Spotlight Saga workroom for what she's experiencing in Fargo, and I'm actually going to second that theory for her Nora Durst character in 'The Leftovers'. This isn't really too important so I'm dismissing its notion as a cross-spoiler, but on the HBO show appearing in concurrent to the airing of Fargo, she recently had problems with anything from parking meters, to touch screens, to airport kiosks, to her GPS etc... After three seasons of Fargo, I'm constantly playing back scenes and getting as close as possible to the television, because I feel like if I close-in enough that the writing is quite literally on the wall. As far fetched as the two shows that air on totally different networks being somehow connected (even loosely), wouldn't surprise me though. Both shows are so out there that I don't dismiss any theory as silly or impossible. Everything is possible in both the world of 'Fargo' and 'The Leftovers', anything and everything. Speaking of connections... The end of Fargo S2 had us all floored. Posters and writing on the wall were, as I said, everywhere, ALIENS ALIENS ALIENS, and here we are starting off S03E02 with Gloria flipping through Science Fiction novels that her step-father, Ennis, wrote. It's these little things that have me the most excited... After thumbing through the books her recently departed step-father had written, Gloria pulls up a news article titled 'Sci-Fi Scribe Wins Golden Planet', with a picture of her stepfather and another man holding an award in front of the Motel where the crazy scene at the end of S2 took place... Where aliens actually landed and blood was shed. Not even a minute into 'Fargo's 2nd episode of S3 and I've already written two paragraphs and combed over every corner of every frame of every shot for a possible Easter Egg. This show has me massively paranoid and way too attentive. Not kidding, two of us just spent 10 minutes (by now at the time of this sloppy editing job, I've watched it three times through) trying to figure out what the last name of the author of the article next to it was... The article titled 'More Food Chains Converting!' What's funny is that it probably bears no importance or connection to anything whatsoever... But what if it does?! So goes just a sliver of the mystery and allure of the legendary 'Fargo'. Once again, I have to comment on the general awesomeness of this cast. I've already gushed over everyone, but now America has a new face of fantastic to add to our pulpy brand of acting honorables... David Thewlis, or as we know him on Fargo, 'VM Varga'. You probably know him from the Harry Potter films as Remus Lupin, but the man has been around and made his mark for decades, just never quite like this. He's not only survived two episodes of 'Fargo', which is extremely hard to do... But he's also created quite the looming threat in the most polite, cheery, yet devastatingly creepy way possible in a very short amount of time. And yes, if you take a little internet surf to www.vmvarga.com some serious fucked up shit can and WILL happen, though I'm 100% positive that not everyone will be thrown off of a parking structure. Chance it at your own risk. Croatian soap vet Goran Bogdan (Yuri Gurka) and Chinese break-fast dialect coach Andy Yu (Meemo) aren't exactly the friendliest faces (at least not as Varga's right hand men), and you wouldn't want to chance them showing up out of nowhere to trace your lineage before an extremely violent act. We get more 'Emmit' Ewan McGregor than we do Ray, and while I believe both McGregors will shine, we definitely needed a good dose of Emmit to balance out last week's Ray & Nikki Swango heavy episode. We also get a hefty injection of Carrie Coon's character Gloria Gurgle. She quickly comes to the realization that dissolving her precinct into the county was a bad idea, as the new chief, played by Shea Whigham, is a hard-ass and quite futuristic with his insisted use of computers used outside of their original packaging. Gloria is chastised for living in the past and allowed to follow up on her lead, but is told to promptly take a few days off. Her lead is pretty much a bust. Like most that live in the world of Fargo, the convenient store clerk, Earl (played by a straight faced Darryl Shuttleworth) is both ignorant & clueless and is certain that Scoot McNairy's 'Maurice LeFay' was a twitchy Russian who possibly was well versed in the manufacturing of methamphetamine from frozen orange concentrate. That's a real thing, you know. 😂 Earl is the type of man who is a massive Gophers fan and still keeps his phone books tied down to the counter via a chain... After all, "Remember the 70's? People used to steal 'em all the time," and it's really hard to argue the logic that a Gophers' game wouldn't inspire great insight and photographic like memory. Why is it always the Russians? At least Gloria gets the phone book that Maurice jacked a page from Earl to incorrectly track down her step-father, kill him, and steal his worthless collection of stamps... Could lead her to 'something to solve'. Obviously S3 of Fargo is nothing without the styles of Mary Elizabeth Winstead... This week Nikki Swango is conflicted about her future with Ray. One moment she's calming his worries about Maurice being traced back to him, directly using the words to describe any possible chance of a 'solve' as 'Unfathomable Pinheadery'. For the record, Apple refuses to acknowledge 'Pinheadery' as a word, obviously this must change (petition, anyone?). Also, if anyone you know, boss or otherwise, even talks unknowingly about your girlfriend or boyfriend's ass, do not get caught up in a moment of awe and refer to them by name and say something to the tune of 'Scotty's right. You've got a real nutcracker back there.' WTF? Of course you'll need 'some sort of psychic drano' to unblock all that negative chi... Especially, and I mean ESPECIALLY, if you have an important Bridge tournament coming up around the corner. For that kinda pressure you'll need all your faculties in order. We also are given a fantastic Ewan on Ewan scene at the incredibly offensive hour of 10:30 pm that leads to complete and utter chaos that only happens in this snow-white world of the Northern Midwest. The cosmic chi had its psychic drano flushing out years of bad Ewan on Ewan tensions over cars and stamps, but what does it matter when there are Chekhov's Guns everywhere. Nikki Swango taking offense to the donkey portrait in place of the stamp, forcing her hand to 'deploy a used feminine hygiene product as a weapon...' I can't! 😂 It's one bad decision after another, and as if any of this wasn't already enough for a jam packed episode, Varga makes his move into the Stussy HQ. Didn't you hear? They've been talking about expanding their IT department, as least that's the case if you ask Emmit's incredibly protective partner, Sy Feltz (a little too protective if you ask me). Sy is yet another actor stepping back into the forefront, perhaps you remember The Coen Brother's Oscar Nominee Film 'A Serious Man'... Yup, that's Michael Stuhlbarg who was literally born to play Sy. I love that we are seeing established acting greats, as well as men and women who've just barely flown under the radar, and fresh faces coming together to make this ensemble cast one of Fargo's best yet. I just simply love Fargo, and am still just reeling that it's finally back. There will always be a place for these, not so true, true stories to light up our screen.