#when i say not conventionally attractive thats not me shit talking my partner

[naptimeclown]

My partner is considering taking a manicurist course at the nearby community college. I think this would be really cool since he seems passionate about it and I'd love to see him get into something he cares a lot about. The only reason he is unsure about it is because he believes no one will want to have their nails done by a brick wall sized man. I don't entirely know how to word my feelings about this. I don't want to dismiss his concerns because I see how it could be difficult for men in cosmetology fields, judgement wise, especially if they themselves aren't conventionally attractive. But I also don't think he would just never have any clients.

[lyra-heartstring]

TW: Mentions of Sh, suicide, Od, racism ( self directed/internalized )

Before i start, the racism part of this is genuinely only to myself. I dont care what race other people are, i just hate mine.

Letter for the boy in the mirror that i wish to kill.

Spending the past 16 years of my life being ugly has been my enternal hell. I have to live everyday knowing im conventionally unattractive and no matter the clothes i wear and the way i style myself ill always be ugly. I have wonderful outfits that i think are really fucking cool or just nice and casual, but the only issue is my face and my skin. I dont want to deal with this shit, i hate my skin tone and i hate everyone trying to tell me to be proud of it. " Black is beautiful "Go fuck yourself, im not and for some reason everyone feels the need to let me know like i havent had to live with this body that i wish wasn't nine. "You're ugly" " who would like you" " you can atleast try to be funny " all of you can die, im tired of you and your fake sympathetic bullshit or the rejections in which i get infantalized bc people dont wwnt to be mean, just for me to find out wbt what they were thinking later. I get it im ugly and i tucking hate my race every issue i have stems in some way shape or form from those 2 factors (gender is another but that's a seperate rant on its own ) and don't give me that bullshit " its just your style " " dress nicely " fashion is a looks thing irregardless of how u want to spin it. Outfits look good because of how the person looks and for some fucking reason nothing works with me. My parents are trying to style me as some proper black christiwn boy, thats litterally the entire opposite of what i want to be. i have to deal with everyone tell me shit like " your outfit looks good", hoping one day they talk about me. " your shirt is nice " what about me?, " your outfit is cute ", what about me?. Ive spent years living as the billshit excuse of a human being with people shoving it down throat that im ugly, but THE SECOND I TRY TO KILL MY SELF OR I CUT MYSELF EVERYONE IS SUDDENLY THE GOOD SAMARITAN READY TO SAVE ME FROM MY TROUBLES. " Im jealous of you ", " i wish i looked like you ", " you arent ugly " I swear to every single celestial being i will rip off the head of the next person who tries to spoon feed me this bullshit. Im the person who is better off taking the photos, the one in the back of the pictures being blocked by people and thanks to my fucking skin tone i looked like some fucked up horror monster in polaroids. Now that its been 16 years of not a single person being there for me, suddenly everyone is some empath and knows how i feel. " i relate " " i understand how you " NO YOU FUCKING DONT, YOU POST AESTHETIC PHOTOS OF YOURSELF WEEKLY, HAVE PEOPLE HITTING ON YOU, WEAR WHATEVER YOU WANT BC U ARE ATTRACTIVE ANYWAYS SO ANYTHING U WEAR IS A " fit ". GO FUCKING KILL YOURSELF, TRY BEING THE PERSON THAT EVERYONR IS SUPRISED MANAGES TO DATE SOMEONE, ITS NOT THE SURPRISED OF " we didnt know " ITS THE BULLSHIT SURPRISE WHETE THEY ACY LIKE YOUR PARTNER IS BLIND OR YOU ARR PAYING THE PERSON TO DATE YOU. ITS THAT BULLSHIT SURPRISE YHAT SOMEONE ON GOD'S GREEN EARTH LIKES YOU. IF YOU EVEN GO THROUGH A PORTION OF THAT THEN MAYBE SAY U UNDERSTAND ME, DONT TRY TO RELATE TO MY STORY WHEN YOUR BIGGEST WORRY IS BEING HIT ON. MY BIGGEST WORRY IS BEING CALLED CREEPY BC I SAID I LIKE SOMEONE, OR A WEIRDO BC I CONFESS TO SOMEONE " i like you " BC ITS CRAZY THAT MY ABORTED FETUS LOOK-A-LIKE SELF HAS YHE AUDACITY TO DEVELOP FEELINGS WHILR LOOKING THE WAY I DO. EVERYONE ELSE CAUSE DO THE SAME SHIT AND ITS A SILLY FUN HIGHSCHOOL EXPERIENCE, ITS FUNNY, AKWARD, ROMANTIC. What i would give to be a different person, different hair, different face, different race, different voice, the amout i would throw away just for that is unmeasureable. To the higher beings i hate you for what you have

done to me, people worship you for what you have fone for them, and im suppossed to join along and be thankful of the gift of life when my life has been nothing but a curse. I hate you for how i look, i hate that everyday i have to find new methods to not think or look into mirrors bc my immediate reaction to commit suicide. Im 16 with a violent hatred towards my face, a waste of space incomplete cell called my body, the urge/desire to kill myself the second i think abt how i look, pure hatred and negativity. I spend all my time cutting because the moment the blade leaves my skin i remember im ugly. The many nights i stare into the mirror with the pills in my hand as i cry for being dealt this shit of a hand from life. I hope for happiness one day but ik that i will never find it nor will i let go of this anger. To the few people reading this

[polyamorouspunk]

vent / crush stuff / jealousy idfk i was crying and now im pissed

i just got indirectly rejected by my crush *again* and im fucking miserable. and when i say indirectly i mean i did Not fucking initiate this im not like. repeatedly flirting w him or coming on to him despte him saying no. i never really have in the first place. my stupid fucking friends made another joke about us and he made it so clear that the chances of Us are in the fucking negative. Great. not like i didnt already *know* but fucking. great.

sometimes im so fucking resentful of my girlfriend. she realized she liked him after i did and started dating him a few months later which is a *feat* considering hes on the aromantic spectrum. shes just That fucking special i guess. shes white, blonde, oh so fragile, passes near perfectly, feminine, and is conventionally attractive in almost every way. everything i resent myself for not being. everyone and their mother is fucking enamored with her because shes cute and acts all blushy and shit. when *she* has a crush, its not seen as a threat, and everyone wants to help her. i thought *i* could try out the fluttery and lovesick routine for once a few months ago but i had to stop bc talking abt my crush was only causing problems, including the fact that she got jealous abt us being good friends, despite yk *her being the one dating him* :))))))

god i wish i could be content with the friendship we have. i think friendship can be just important as romance or more but thats really hard to actually GET in the real fuckin world because society is so obsessed wih amatonormativity. the one example i had of irl super valuable platonic love was my gf and... someone shes now started dating 🙃. (someone whos made her strong boundaries against romance SUPER clear in the past! but i guess! my gf! is that fucking special!!)

there is no fucking hope for me. i dont even care abt kissing and shit. i just want physical affection and to be valued highly by someone. i want to be able to say i love you. why the hell is that not allowed.

ughh. super long ask. thanks for reading it.

I’m so sorry that sounds awful. Have you tried talking to either of them about it without admitting it’s because you have feelings for him? I mean I would hope that any decent friend/partner would respect if you don’t like any kind of joke they make, in a romantic sense or not.

There’s a reason I’ve never dated anyone else polyam before and that’s been my jealousy issues, so I get the idea of resenting your partner for having something you want but can’t have, and I’m really sorry.

And if you like someone romantically it can be hard to be happy with something platonic, and there’s no shame in that! Because, yeah, as much as we preach that friendships are just as important as romantic relationships, but you’re right how much is that actually the case, as much as we say it should be? There’s a push for it for a reason: it’s not the norm.

I hope things change and get better for you in one way or another.

[plutonian-honey]

Hey so i kinda just want your opinion on something just because i’m going through this rn.... but do you think a boyfriend should ask/tell their girlfriend when and if they’re going to hang w another girl? my bf wants to hang w his best girl friend but i’m a scorpio & i’m kinda possessive and jealous but i’m letting him anyway even tho i’m upset... but he’s kinda just doing it w/o taking in consideration that it upsets me he’ll be spending time w another girl, alone.

well personally i get u because i’m the same but i also gotta think to myself, i have a lot of male friends and i’d be pissed if i thought i had to ask my bf’s permission to see them. my theory is right, so when i’m seeing someone or into someone, i have no desire to sleep with anyone else like regardless of if they’re more attractive or whatever like i only got eyes for the person im with and maybe thats a scorpio thing because we’re very obsessive and like aggressively loyal but you just need to trust that your partner is the same. I see guys all the time that might be conventionally more attractive than the person im into but i’ve still just got eyes for that person. emotional cheating however is something that i worry about like 2949295x more than physical cheating. i’d be more upset if i thought my partner was talking to someone else about stuff that they werent talking to me about honestly. i understand the feeling like we’re very jealous it’s true trust me i have a scorpio sun & venus + pluto conjunct my venus mate we’re having a great time. just remember that you’d be pissed if he was saying he didnt like u seeing ur male friends without his permission. us scorpios like to control everyone else and not allow anyone to control us. plus it’d be a sign that he doesnt trust u which is like the most hurtful thing to do to us. idk his placements but to me, not trusting someone sucks and unless he does something that breaks that trust you just gotta give him the benefit of the doubt unfortunately. which i know is easier said than done and u wanna be crazy but u can’t dude u gotta let him have his own life outside of u that u don’t control and trust that he’s not gonna cheat or be weird and if its genuinely truely bothering u then u need to talk to him about it bc hes not a mind reader boys are dumb as shit u need to tell them Lol good luck b dont stress