#when i get to see a bunch of hilarious requests that are 100 percent not goi g to happen

[teainthedust]

Man nintendo directs are so fun, I get to watch a youtube chat huff straight copium while staring at a red screen before it starts.

[chainsawbettyloo]

Title: So Completely You, in the Best Way Possible 

Pairing: Prince Sidon / Link

Rating: E+

Tags: Fluff, straight fluff, established relationship, cute, kissing, lovey dovey 

Summary: Sidon knows for a fact that Link tends to do the more mundane things in an almost unnecessarily extreme way. However, when he stumbles across his pearl throwing bombs into a river, he's utterly confused as to what Link could possibly be doing. 

A/N: Wrote for @sidlinkweek, and this is the first day prompt, Fishing! Yes, I know it’s hella late, but hey, better late than never, amirite?

Cross posted on my AO3! Requests are currently still open so if you got something you’d like to read, send it my way! Reblogs, comments and all that is very much appreciated! Thank you! 

-

The hint of sunflower yellow in the distance indicated that the person standing on the shoreline was possibly Link. The sound of muffled explosions that rung throughout the lazy afternoon air confirmed, without a hint of doubt, that it was definitely Link. Not that Sidon needed any kind of hint as he could detect his beloved from scent alone. However, he was certain that if it were anyone else, those two things combined would be an excellent indicator of just who it was.

Carefully making his way down to the river, eyes focused on the small Hylian in front of him, Sidon wondered just what on earth he was doing. From what he could see, Link was simply conjuring those odd, glowing blue bombs that Sidon was still not one hundred percent how they worked or where they came from, and throwing them into the river. Often, he immediately detonated them, sending up a huge splash of water that rippled along the surface. Other times, he would wait for several moments or even minutes then, in a dramatic flair of thrusting his Sheikah Slate forward as though fending off some invisible force, would set them off.

Was he practicing? Trying to get better at throwing them? Link had once told him that shortly after he had awakened after his 100 year slumber, those bombs had saved his life more times than he could count. Since the only weapons he could find were weak and liable to break often, and he had inefficient armor that was really nothing more than an old shirt, Link had relied on the bombs to take down monsters that, at the time, had been too tough to handle but, as far as Sidon knew, that had been a while ago. He was pretty sure Link no longer needed to rely on such a technique. Though, perhaps, there was a monster he had stumbled across that could only be taken down with bombs. That would explain needing to get better at aiming and throwing.

Though, to his eyes, it didn’t look like Link was being very successful. He didn’t want to judge Link’s throwing skills but there was no form, no control of strength, no real planning of where the bombs were going to go. It just looked like he was throwing them without really caring where they went. Stopping just a few paces behind him, Sidon placed a hand on his hips, cocked his head and just watched for a few moments as Link conjured a bomb out of nowhere, held it high over his head then threw it into the water before exploding it just moments later.

“What are you doing, Link?” Sidon asked, half confused, half amused.

Link jumped a little. Obviously, he had been so enthralled in...whatever it was that he was doing that he hadn’t heard or sensed Sidon’s approach. Turning, he looked up at Sidon and offered up a big, sunny smile that immediately sent Sidon’s heart fluttering. Momentarily forgetting about the whole bombing innocent water thing, Sidon quickly closed the small distance between them, reached up to cup Link’s wet, sandy cheeks and leaned down to press a soft kiss against his lips. With a soft, pleased exhale of air through his nose, Link pushed up into him, eyes sliding closed, covering the backs of his hands with his own. It was a little gritty with the sand, and tasted slightly of salt but not that any of that bothered him. Link’s lips could be covered in chuchu slime, and he’d still happily kiss him.

“So, what exactly are you doing?” Sidon asked, leaning back a little, stroking the pad of his thumb over the curve of Link’s cheek.

“Fishing.” Link responded, slowly opening up his eyes as he leaned into the touch, snuggling into the palm of Sidon’s hand.

“What? Fishing?”

Link nodded, “Yeah, I don’t have a fishing rod, spearing them or using arrows takes too long so I just use my bombs.”

Sidon blinked then lifted his head to look over Link’s. Sure enough, he could see around ten colorful fish floating belly side up in the water. So that was what he had been doing. Fishing. He stared blankly at them for several moments then laughter came roaring out of his throat. Bending over from the force of the guffaws, he placed his hands on his knees to keep himself upright and practically howled with laughter. Tears began to stream down his cheeks as he coughed, gasped and laughed even more.

“What? Why are you laughing?” Link said, sounding a little bit offended.

“That’s-“ Sidon gasped, reaching up to wipe the tears eye. He finally managed to straighten back up, a wide smile plastered on his face, “It’s just so completely you. That’s all.”

Link frowned up at him, clearly not understanding, “It makes it easier. I can get a bunch of fish in a much shorter time than I could with a spear or arrows.”

Shaking his head, Sidon chuckled, “I’m not making fun or laughing at you. It is a very clever way of fishing, and I understand why you use this method.”

“Then, why are you laughing?” Link asked, still looking confused. “What’s so funny about it?”

Knowing that he would never really be able to explain it to him, Sidon instead just leaned down to give him another kiss. How could he explain that it was hilarious because it was so unexpected but yet, completely expected? That this kind of action screamed Link to such an extent that it was nearly farcical. Not that he couldn’t understand his beloved’s reasonings. Without a doubt, it was a much quicker, easier way to get fishing done. Of course, it was also a ridiculous, dangerous, and absurdly extreme method but one thing Link absolutely excelled in, it was finding the most stupidly dangerous way to do something and doing it wholeheartedly.

It was just so completely him, such a perfect representation of his beloved that he couldn’t help but to laugh.

“You really are just incredible, Link.” Sidon breathed, nuzzling gently against the line of his jaw, placing little kisses here and there.

“I still don’t get it.” Link replied flatly, and when Sidon glanced up, he found that he had stuck his lip out in a slight, adorable pout.

Sidon just chuckled in response, and placed a soft kiss on the tip of Link’s nose, “Just know that I love you. Every piece, fiber and bit of you, I absolutely adore.” He reached down to take Link’s hand in his own then brought it to his lips so he could gently kiss the scarred, calloused knuckles.

“I love you, too.” Link replied softly, a delicate tinge of pink dying his tanned cheeks. His blue eyes had dropped down to the ground. The tips of his ears sprouting out of his yellow hair were a darker shade of pink and, at that moment, Sidon wanted nothing more than to take them in-between his teeth. Somehow, he managed to resist. Instead, he continued to lightly cover Link’s hand in small, soft kisses. He was so cute, so incredibly cute.

“I’m glad, Link. Now, should I go retrieve the fish that you have procured for yourself?”

“I’ll do it.” Very slowly removing his hand from Sidon’s grasp, as though he didn’t want to break the physical contact, Link, with his head still down, padded over to the river, jumped in and quickly swam over to where the mass of dead fishes floated aimlessly. He quickly gathered them up before making his way back to the shore. Sidon sat down before the waterline, reaching out to take the fish Link handed off. They were startlingly still intact, which seemed odd for an explosion death.

“Do you want to eat with me?” Link asked, tugging off his wet shirt with a grimace.

“Of course. Do you even need to ask?” Sidon teased gently, letting his eyes roam appreciatively over Link’s bared chest, stomach and back. There were so many scars, so many remainders of survival and chaos. Each one he knew intimately, having traced every inch with his fingers, his eyes, his tongue. If someone were to ask, he could probably paint a map of Link’s scars from memory alone.

“Let me get a fire going, then.” Link started to move away but stopped when Sidon lightly grabbed hold of his arm.

He turned to give Sidon an inquisitive look, one blonde brow quirking, which the Zora Prince returned with a small smile, “It can wait. Until then,” he yanked Link down into his lap, then squeezed him in a tight embrace, “how about you let me eat you?”

Link flushed a dark shade of red, eyes widening in surprise then laughed loudly - a wonderful, clear, ringing laugh that filled up the still afternoon air, startling a nearby flock of birds. Sidon felt his grin getting even larger, warmth spreading throughout his chest. He wasn’t too sure what Link was laughing at but also really didn’t care. It was always a pleasant occasion to hear him do so, regardless of reason, and he supposed it was payback for earlier.

“The fish will rot!” Link said between peals of laughter, though he made no attempt to untangle himself from Sidon’s hold. Rather, he snuggled even closer, practically burying his face into Sidon’s chest, arms looping around his midsection to anchor them closely together.  

“They won’t. Not in such a short amount of time but if they do, I’ll catch you some new ones. Or,” Sidon gently slipped a finger underneath Link’s chin and raised his head up so their eyes met, “you could show me, in-depth, how you fish with those bombs. I will gladly be your student.”

“You get a bomb, find the fish and throw it to where the fish are. Then, you make it go boom. It’s not hard.”

“To you.” Sidon replied knowingly, slipping his fingers up into the fine, silken threads of Link’s yellow hair, “But to a amateur like me, it seems like a precise craft that needs to be respected.”

Link laughed loudly once more, his entire face scrunching up into a big grin. Mirth danced in his vibrant blue eyes. Pushing himself up to his knees, he lightly kissed the corner of Sidon’s mouth, and said, “We’re not wasting food. Dinner first, anything else comes later.”

Now, it was Sidon’s time to pout, which only made Link laugh again as he quickly untangled himself. Thoroughly hesitating, not really willing to let go of his beloved’s warmth, Sidon continued to pout until Link was fully detached from him. Giggling underneath his breath, Link held out a hand, helped Sidon to his feet, offered up a bright smile before turning to get the fire ready further up the shore. Struggling and failing to keep a grin off his own face, Sidon set about gathering up the fish that had been discarded in the near intimate encounter. He did actually want to try Link’s way of fishing - it was so ridiculous that he just had to give it a try but he supposed that could come after he’s had his fill of both fish and Link.

[nancygduarteus]

Instagram’s New Favorite Miracle Cure Is Celery Juice

On a recent Wednesday afternoon, the Whole Foods in Williamsburg, Brooklyn, was absolutely bereft of celery.

Conventional, organic, whatever—Hilary Sloan was out of luck. Sloan, a former colleague of mine who works in marketing, was looking for celery because a friend had evangelized to her about the health-promoting properties of celery juice. That friend had learned about the juice’s magic in the well-trafficked wellness corners of Instagram.

The claims circulating about the juice are indeed enticing: Depending on who you talk to, it promises to relieve inflammation, improve your microbiome, alkalize the body, kill mold in your gut, cure chronic mystery illnesses, and banish “toxins.” Suddenly, everyone from Vogue magazine to Good Morning America recommends you give it a try.

For wellness-focused businesses, celery juice’s exploding popularity has been impressive and sudden. Zach Berman, the co-founder of the popular Vancouver-based juice business The Juice Truck, told me his company added the drink to its official menu two weeks ago as a result of overwhelming consumer demand. “This has been the most interest in a cold-pressed juice since green juice originally became popular in 2011,” he says.

The American chain Pressed Juicery also added bottled celery juice to its menu a few months ago. When I recently asked the cashier at one of its New York locations if it had been popular, her eyes widened. “Yes. Extremely.” I was there to try celery juice for myself. It cost $6.50 and tasted like celery. I don’t know what I was expecting.

[Read: The Jordan Peterson all-meat diet]

Sloan, for her part, wasn’t expecting much, but was also hoping she was wrong. “It could help rebuild my immune system, which is terrible right now,” she says. “At the very least, I’ll be more hydrated.” After an accident last winter, she has had five surgeries and been on months of antibiotics, and although skeptical about the promised benefits, she felt open-minded about trying something that seemed, at worst, totally innocuous.

And that’s just the mix of emotions and circumstances that can make nutritional trends so tempting—and that medical-adjacent gurus might capitalize on. As strange as “celery juice is a miraculous health elixir” sounds, the way it’s become a burgeoning trend might be even stranger.

Anthony William calls himself the Medical Medium. He has a million Instagram followers and the affection of the kingmaking wellness website Goop, which has published him expounding at length on the topic. By his description, the upsides of drinking the juice daily (always by itself, always first thing in the morning, always before eating or drinking anything else) border on the magical. William lacks any sort of medical or scientific training or certification, according to the legal disclaimers on his website and his Goop contributions, but he claims a spirit he’s been in contact with since childhood has given him knowledge of health and wellness beyond what science can confirm.

No matter whose interest in celery juice I try and trace back to its source, it always ends up with William, and in his writings, he also claims to be the trend’s originator.

William did not return my requests for comment, and he seems not to engage frequently with traditional press. He’s written three books and built a considerable following across social-media platforms and his own website, where he offers paid phone consultations to sick followers for hundreds of dollars apiece, according to the journalist Rae Paoletta. In addition to that, he uses revenue-generating Amazon affiliate links extensively, including to 177 nutritional supplements and additives he recommends.

The Medical Medium website also features testimonials from A-list celebrities like Robert DeNiro and Naomi Campbell. I wasn’t able to independently confirm these specific endorsements, but there’s no question William has his admirers in Hollywood. Goop, which has significantly raised William’s profile, is owned by the actor Gwyneth Paltrow. A reporter for InStyle heard the actors Debra Messing and Allison Janney discussing their adherence to William’s celery-juice regimen at a party in August. They also follow him on Instagram.

On a platform like Instagram, where there’s few forces mediating the information that’s passed from a celebrity or influencer to their followers, it’s notoriously easy for health information of questionable veracity to spread like a game of telephone—losing attribution and context as it moves. When I mentioned to Sloan that William appeared to be the trend’s originator and that his background was questionable, she was surprised. “He’s not a doctor?” She’s only been on celery juice for five days, but she says she feels pretty good—at least, more hydrated.

I asked the registered dietitian Ashley Koff what she thought of celery juice, and she wasn’t impressed, even though she was enthusiastic about celery as a healthy snack in general. “There is no one food that will cure your cancer, inflammatory disease, or other ailment, so don’t believe the hype you see and hear on Instagram.” That was echoed by Lisa Young, a registered dietitian, nutritionist, and professor of nutrition at New York University. “You’ll see something take off where you just have to have celery, or you just have to have kale—one vegetable is really not better than another.”

The nutritionist and author Kimberly Snyder, on the other hand, was more optimistic. She praised celery juice as hydrating, vitamin-packed, and anti-inflammatory. She also pointed out that recent research showed celery seed as a helpful check on hypertension for people dealing with blood-pressure problems.

A recent study out of the Cleveland Clinic bears out celery’s blood-pressure benefits, but the researchers recommend consuming full stalks instead of extracts in order to get maximum benefits. Young, too, mentioned that maybe celery might be better intact, as a snack or an addition to a meal rather than as a medicine. “You don’t have to drink it, you can also chew it,” she says. “Whatever happened to chewing?”

The celery juice I bought listed four vitamins. Of those, the most abundant was vitamin A, and the bottle promised 30 percent of what the average person should have in a given day. As far as hydration goes, most of celery juice’s proponents cite solid celery’s 95 percent water composition as a way of proving the juiced version’s promise. Regular water is 100 percent water. I drink a bunch of that every day anyway.

from Health News And Updates https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2018/11/celery-juice-miracle-cure-instagram-goop/574849/?utm_source=feed

[jodiwalker]

A Bachelorette Bio Breakdown: They Would Do Anything for Love (And They Will Do THAT)

There comes a time in every 20-something's life…when they must take a season off from The Bachelor franchise. For me, that season was Nick. Not because I don't like Nick—I find him no better or worse than any Bachelor(ette) who has come before him. (Actually I find him better because, uh, I'm pretty sure Prince Farming recently killed a guy).

I just needed a break. Yes I know about Corrinne. Yes, I stand in awe and fear of her. Yes, she has a perfectly round head-shape like a peanut M&M when they forget to put the peanut in that I don't trust, but do tend to admire, a la Stassi from Vanderpump Rules. Though it left a gaping hole in my heart—as if I was forgetting to eat breakfast every single day, and that missing breakfast was made of thigh gaps and man-tears—it was good for me. I return refreshed, and more importantly, completely clueless about what to expect from Rachel, or as I have taken to calling her: the Rachelorette (pronounced R8chelorette).

The only thing I can remember about Rachel from the brief glimpses I caught of Nick's season is that she got the First Impression Rose of Doom and I once saw her in a full-out sprint and not a single part of her body jiggled. From what I understand, she remained charming throughout and some issues of race were (not awfully) addressed in her hometown visit. I have to imagine that conversation went something like this:

Rachel's parents, in unison:  Nick, we can't help but notice that you're white. And also, that our daughter is way out of your league.

Nick: But—

Rachel's parents, alternating back and forth every other word: Yes, even now that you're two percent body fat and there's something different about your face that we can't quite put our finger on.

Rachel: Ha, you right, fam. See ya, Nick, I'm about to be the first black Bachelorette!

Nick: And I…I will take my last titular stand in Dancing With the Stars where I will wear more sequins and bronzer than any Bachelorette could ever dream of.

Since I clearly know very little about Rachel, I also expect very little out of her, which is kind of nice. Rachel can be a robot and it won't really matter—in fact, since she's from Dallas, a place solely populated by gallerias that smell like fancy fountains and hot young women that also smell like fancy fountains (lookin’ at you, JoJo), it will make perfect sense if she's just an average, smart, attractive woman. But she's also the first black lead in the Bachelor franchise, so y’know, the producers will probably run this entire freight train into the ground trying to be cool about that.

Unfortunately, unlike the contestant bios which are full of enlightening questions like "What fruit would you be if you could be any fruit?" and "What brand of high-end blender would you be I you could be any brand of high-end blender?" the Bachelorette's bio is just four paragraphs of excruciating prose. And since Rachel is an attorney, hers is 80 percent lawyer puns, 15 percent conjunctions, 5 percent her own name, and exactly 0 percent concentrated power of will. What I learned is that. 1.) Rachel went to the University of Texas, which checks out because it's almost easier to imagine her with a tiny temporary tattoo of a burnt orange longhorn on her cheek than without, and 2.) "Winning in court has never been a problem, but finding love is a case that unfortunately remains open." Yeesh.

So, let's, uh, call this court to order by meeting all 31 of the, uh, romantic prosecutors who have been, uh, subpoenaed in this case of, uh, LOVE IN THE FIRST DEGREE. Nailed it.

This isn’t necessarily the all-around hottest group of suitors we've ever had. But it is the most diverse. And that's because Rachel is a minority, so ABC will let her date another minority: a black guy, an Asian guy, a Latino guy…hell, she could even choose a white guy if she wants (but they will withhold her daily allotment of Snackwells if she tries to pull any of that shit). They're so open-minded this season, you guys. Honestly! They're very cool with what Caitlyn Jenner is up to; they retweet DeRay sometimes; some of their best friends went to the Women's March.

And while they may have curiously kept Rachel a blank slate in the marketing leading up to her season, all the jacked dudes trying to woo her come pre-packaged with a whole slew of questions by which to judge them. Pretty much every single one of them says they're 6'2 or taller, they're all obsessed with the Rock, Denzel Washington and Matthew McConaughey, like, six of them have inner-lip tattoos, and I don't know if Rachel requested that they all be sexual deviants, or if this is just the Freak House that Kaitlyn Bristowe Built, but everyone has gotten up to some real weird shit in the bedroom. So without further ado…

Rachel's Top 12 Most Interesting Men (according to a questionnaire completed under a distorting blanket of warm Jägermeister served in a plastic cup by producers who lured you out of a food court Sbarro with promises of love and more deli meat than one could ever imagine, plus, if you mention Elon Musk in your questionnaire, everyone will think you're smart, and also, if you say no to doing this, you're probably at least a little subconsciously racist, just something to think about—alright, see ya in Calabasas, buddy!) in no particular order:

Adam—Real Estate Agent, 27

When asked what his typical Saturday night looks like, Adam responded, "Well if it's not with my couch, then I would go out with some friends for dinner and go out to a bar or club for drinks, maybe late night tacos." Dude…you know that sounds like you're fucking your couch. You know that. Adam also said the most romantic gift he's ever received is a threesome for his birthday. Just him, his little lady, and that sweet, sweet couch.

DeMario—Executive Recruiter, 30

Excuse me as I half claim DeMario as my 2017 boyfriend, and half assess him as my 2017 nemesis because he might be the person I wish I was. DeMario's description of himself during social outings is like if a Kanye tweet (RIP) had an exclamation point baby with a Cher tweet: "100% the party starter… always blowing my whistle and making NOISE!!! Let's fire it up, put on some Prince and party like it's 1999!!!!" It could only be better if he threw a little Jaden-existentialism in the mix. And if those are all references you understand, you will also appreciate DeMario's thoughts on being the center of attention: "I won't lie, I love attention… not like '07 B. Spears attention or 2011 Sheen. Natural attention like when Justin and Brit wore those incredible denim outfits." Oh, you mean MY PERMANENT TWITTER THEME?

DeMario has a real Michael B. Jordan thing going for him, he chose a crew neck t-shirt instead of a v-neck, and he seems to choose to capitalize words or abbreviate them completely at random. I love him and I will make him mine. And who does DeMario hope to make his? His ideal mate is, "Outgoing, people person, funny, crazy, calm, cool, loud, funny, geeky but cool like The Fonz." Who has two thumbs, is standing near a jukebox, and is exactly like that? (Hint: It me.)

Anthony—Education Software Manager, 26

Anthony is too young for Rachel, but he also seems like the smartest one in the bunch. He got a Fulbright Scholarship to teach on the Ivory Coast, he name checks that weird carnivorous island in Life of Pi, his favorite movies are the very well-rounded trio of The Iron Giant, Moonlight and The Matrix, and his ideal mate is intellectual. Also he says he has "virtually no limits" in the bedroom"…so he will let you do butt stuff.

Diggy—Senior Inventory Analyst, 31

Homboy wore Warby Parkers to the beach. And they look good! Homeboy also took us on a wild ride via his questionnaire answers—and that makes sense. I don't think you come by the name Diggy because of your mild demeanor. (However, that this is not a grown-up Diggy Simmons is a disappointment that cannot be overcome.) Diggy begins a lot of his sentences with "Now," and it's hard to tell if he's marking the time or speaking like an elderly southern woman: "Now [chile], I'm trying to recover from the day drinking!" But once you get past that, I find his most embarrassing moment hilarious: "When I was stranded on a toilet for hours in 5th grade." Tell me everything, I'm dying for more Dig-Diggy-deets!

Now, where I could have used less information is in his "fun story about a one night stand" answer. Diggy explains that he spent all day with a young lady, then she came home with him and they had sex. Then she got a text that her brother was missing, "so I played asleep so I didn't have to help!" Hey Digs, wtf? That girl just gave you her special wonder gift and waited for you during your hours of patented Diggy Toilet Time—help her find her damn brother! [Ed. Note: They better fucking put that one-night-stand question in the next women's questionnaire or I swear…I have no threat. I will watch this show until the day it kills me. But I WILL make a note of it!]

Bryan—Chiropractor, 37

Thirty-seven?! Get it, Bryan! Bryan is cute and a little shifty, and not just because he's a chiropractor (ed. note: sick chiropractor burn from someone who has never, not once, been to a chiropractor). For example, when asked to list his three best attributes, Bryan replies, "Affectionate/passionate, personable/charming/funny, kind/good heart." Bryan. You can't just use slashes and act like that isn't seven attributes! Affectionate and passionate are not even remotely synonyms, and if they were, you could just say one. But Bry-Guy fits in all those great attributes, and then one more: Bryan's favorite flower…is an orchid. Haaaaave ya met Bryan? He loves vaginas!

Bryce—Firefighter, 30

We're all on the same page that Bryce is an animated character of some kind, right? Like…he's that thing where a cartoon Easter Bunny turns into a human man and is debatably hot, right? Also, "a fresh drink of water with a jolt of lightening" is an incredible way to describe yourself as a lover, right? In return, Bryce only asks that his mate have "eyes you could drown in and a smile that insults the sun." I'm gonna be so mad when Bryce is totally boring and gets eliminated the first night, because describing handwritten letters as "one of the purest forms of materialized emotion" is just really not a diction rollercoaster I expected to take in the Bachelorette Bio Breakdown.

Fred—Executive Assistant, 27

"My greatest achievement is attending two graduate school program from two different universities simultaneously and graduating from both in the same weekend." Fred says he wants to be Ellen for a day, but he is, in fact, living the life of Hermoine with a Time-Turner. Fred also has the single most question-inducing answer of all the 31 men. When asked if he's ever been turned on at the wrong time, he responds, "Yes, there are times that I get aroused at work and I have to go back to my desk to avoid being noticed." Fred, "times?" How frequently this happening? And why is it always happening away from your desk? Where are you going in your office as an executive assistant that's constantly giving you boners? Are you the executive assistant at PornHub? Is everyone at PornHub constantly having to watch you erection-dash back to your desk: "Uh oh, looks like Fred angled his dangle by the fish tank again." I got my eye on your, Fred.

Kenny—Professional Wrestler, 35

I have it on good authority that Kenny is actually a fairly well-known wrestler, and it is my own personal opinion that Kenny contains multitudes. He has a daughter who he speaks of very sweetly, his favorite book is The New Jim Crow, and he once sent a woman a different edible arrangement for a week. Please don't be a dick, Kenny.

He also thinks he and The Rock are "very much alike," which, I get it—I want to think I'm the most charming, beloved man in the world too. But I'm not the Rock, and neither is Kenny. If he's anywhere close though, I demand he be the next Bachelor. And if not, I propose Kenny be cross-network drafted into The Challenge in what I am calling a "reverse-Miz."

Lucas—Whaboom, 30

Hey Lucas, real quick, what the hell. I don't know if you noticed, but everybody this season has 1950s jobs: doctor, lawyer…professional wrestler. You can't just make a made-up word your profession. You also can't say that your ideal mate would be four different animated characters—Belle, Cinderella, Little Mermaid, and Jessica Rabbit—three of whom I'm pretty sure are teenagers. In the very weird Facebook Live Chris Harrison did, he described Whaboom for the confused listener: "It's a lifestyle. It's an essence. It's who he is. It's a noun, it's a verb, it's an adverb. You can be Whaboom, you can be Whaboomed, and you can Whaboom." Hey Chris Harrison, you know what else is a lifestyle? Zippin' it.

Jonathan—Tickle Monster, 31

Which brings us to Jonathan and his stab at being the person with a weird job—sorry bro, who could have known Lucas was going to swoop in with Whaboom, spawning, like, 100 Bustle posts. Like "Twins" and "Dog Lover" before him, Jonathan has given himself an occupation that is not a thing, but my assumption is he's a pediatrician or something. Either that, or he, a.) plays the Cookie Monster on Sesame Street and auto correct really did a number on him, b.) is a real creep. Jonathan does go on to specify that he usually lasts a long time in the bedroom…"in a good way." But when your profession is Tickle Monster, "a good way" really starts to feel relative.

I truly could not have made this joke better myself than this person on The Bachelorette Facebook page:

Blake K—U.S. Marine Veteran, 29

Blake K is very cute and very basic, and Rachel should marry him and have very beautiful children together. The man would want Chipotle on the desert island that exists only in these questionnaires; he loves The Rock and Shark Week; he admires his mom more than anyone else in the world, and his ideal mate has a great smile. Blake K will get voted off the first night or he will win, there is no in between.

Jack Stone—Attorney, 32

Finally, Jack Stone. Jack Stone gives exactly no explanation for why he is going by Jack Stone, and his job is listed as "attorney," not "super-secret antihero agent played by Matt Damon and/or Liam Neeson," so I'm at a loss. There are no other Jacks. No one else lists a last name. Is it a double name? If he gets eliminated before we find out, I will never forgive Rachel…and neither will Jack Stone. Jack Stone has a very particular set of skills, Rachel. Skills he's acquired over a long career. Skills that make him a nightmare for people like the Rachelorette. If you let him stay until the second cocktail party, that'll be the end of it. He will not look for you, he will not pursue you, but if you don't, he will look for you…he will find you and he will kill you.

Best of luck to you, Rachel. I hope none of these weirdos try to wear you like a coat or have a threesome with a couch or make you bounce with them in a moonwalk castle, or whatever. See you back here, friends, for intermittent recaps that will absolutely never be posted in a timely manner. Because I would do anything for you, dear reader—but I won't do that.