#when i generated the words i was between gap and catalyst and OH MY GOD gap has so many definitions

[fullyfazed]

I’ve been super brain-rotting over Epithet Erased, and when I brain-rot over a media, I make myself into a character in that universe! 

The art style for EE is so fun, and I had a blast trying to recreate it. 

I’d also like to apologize to my friends for how much I’ve been talking about this show recently, but I’m also not sorry. So. 

Anyway screenshot edits under the cut, and buy Prison of Plastic

[special-agent-fiction]

New Rules

Pairing: Female Reader x Jim Kirk  (I tried to make it gender neutral, I really did but I think there’s some phrasing in there that just gives it away. Sorry)

Summary: You didn’t ask for their help. In fact, you actively declined their input into the situation but Uhura scares you and Bones has a kick-ass stare and suddenly you’re letting them come up with a list of rules for how to live your life without falling head-over-heels in love with Jim Kirk. 

Warnings: Alcohol, Swearing, Vulcan Who Knows Better, Sassy Bones, Blatant Use of Dua Lipa’s ‘New Rules’ as a plot. 

Uhura found you face down on a sticky bar top with your arm acting as a pillow. It wasn’t the first time and it won’t be the last, but she sighs anyway and slides onto the stool next to you. With a practiced wave to the bartender she has a drink poured and set in front of her by the time you crack a bleary eye open and realise she’s there.

“What?”

She snorts at your greeting. “Charming.” She sips at the drink.

You watch her; studying how out of place she looks in this dive of a bar; her sleek ponytail swooshing around softly as she takes in the place. You let her get another mouthful of God-awful scotch down her throat before you push yourself up and shake out your now dead arm.

“What are you doing here?” You ask, elaborating on your one-word greeting.

“Len called.”

You pivot on your stool immediately to glare at the man sat one down from you. He merely stares at you with a single raised eyebrow as he lets his own glass dangle from his fingertips.

“You called Ny?” You ask, your own face as impassive as his. “You tattled on me?”

He sighs. “Darlin’ I have not got an ounce of the patience needed to sit here and listen to you whine.”

“I was not whining.”

“You were sitting there pouting; it’s a small step from pouting to whining.” He takes a drink as you scoff. “And I’m a doctor; it’s my job to prevent so I don’t need to cure.”

“You’re such an ass.” He lifts the glass slightly in agreement and downs its contents in one. You turn back to Nyota with an eyeroll. “Apologies for wasting your time.” She bats you away as she takes a sip before resting her elbow on the bar and propping her hand in her chin. You suppress a groan as she gives you ‘The Look’.

Nyota Uhura was a force to be reckoned with at pretty much any moment of the day but she was at her most lethal on two specific occasions: 1) The Enterprise is being fired at and she can’t get a hold of all decks to pass on specific instructions or, 2) she’s giving you ‘The Look’. On occasion number one, it’s safer to just leave her be as she grasps onto her comms panel and screams orders into her headset and once the shooting calms, she’s fine again. But if you happen to find yourself in situation two, there’s absolutely nothing you can do to move her on.

“Why are you drinking?” It’s a fairly light question but the piercing gaze that hasn’t moved from you in the last 30 seconds is making it feel like she’s asked you to justify every bad decision you’ve ever made and considering most were made under the influence of very heavy drinking; it’s a loaded one.

You swallow lightly and try to avoid looking at her as you try to figure out exactly why you are in this dive bar so far from your usual haunts with a one stool gap between yourself and Bones. “I-” You fail and cut yourself off.

“Jim’s on a date.”

You slump back on the stool with a groan as Bones’ words filter past you and towards a curious Nyota. “Are we seriously doing this again?” You ask the doctor.

“Kirk’s on a date.” Uhura repeats. “That explains the gap.” She nods to the empty stool between you and the doctor. “But not the whole head-on-bar thing.”

“I-”

“No, no.” Bones cuts you off again. “It’s not that Jim’s on a date.” He says to the woman. “It’s that he’s not on one with…” He trails off and you just know he’s giving you a long sideways glance.

“You know, for someone who says they care so little, you know an awful lot.” You accuse as you sit forward again with your own elbows resting against the sticky wood as you cup the back of your neck in exasperation.

“Maybe if you’d stop yabberin’ about your problems 3 inches away from my ears then-”

“When are you going to admit that you care about-”

“When Hell freezes over darlin’.”

Nyota laughs gently as you and Bones glare at each other before returning to the topic that piqued her attention in the first place.

“I still don’t get it.”

You groan and let your head fall forward.

“They’ve been doing the nasty.” Bones tells her as you stare at your feet. “You know; bumpin’ uglies, playin’ hide the salami, dancin’ the horizontal hula?”

You lift your head to stare incredulously at him. “Should I be concerned about the sheer number of euphemisms you have stored in that brain of yours?”

Bones merely looks at you before his eyes skip over to Uhura and with an easy smirk he hammers the final nail into your coffin. “They’re sleeping together.”

“You’re sleeping with Kirk?!”

“Thanks Bones.”

“Anytime kid.”

You weren’t entirely sure how Uhura had got you off the bar stool and into a booth at the very back of the bar but suddenly there was a fresh glass in your hand as she faced you with a look that was a perfect mix of disappointment and intrigue.

“Stop looking like I’ve just told you I threw a puppy out the air lock.”

“I just…” She shook herself. “You and Kirk?”

“I don’t know what you want me to say, Ny.” You leant back into the worn leather. “It…just happened.”

“Now that’s not how I remember it.” Your eyes closed in disbelief as a new body slid onto your side of the booth.

“I thought you didn’t care.” You reminded him.

“Kid, if I cut your and Jim’s drama out of my life, all that’s left is whiskey and hypos; a man needs a reason to drown himself in drink and you two idiots are the perfect catalyst.”

“Aww Len…” You rest your head on his shoulder. “…you say the sweetest things.” He shrugs you off with an incoherent grumble and you’re forced to face Nyota again.

“You and Kirk.” She prompts again.

“They’ve been makin’ moon eyes at each other for years.” Bones scoffs. “Honestly, I’m surprised it didn’t happen sooner.” You roll your eyes at him.

“How did it happen? In all the years I’ve known you, the closest you’ve gotten is a fairly intense wrestle for a study PADD.”

“Turns out all they needed was enough scotch to pickle Virginia and some weird-ass 20th century psychedelic rock.” Bones tells her as you sigh deeply. “They were just dancin’ one minute, I look away and the next time I see them he’s got his tongue-”

“It just happened.” You clarify quickly, blushing slightly at the hazy memories of that night. “And then it happened again.”

“And again.” Bones adds. “And again.” He takes a drink. “The things I’ve walked in on…” He shudders dramatically as Nyota laughs again. “Trust me; not knowing about it was better for your health.”

“We’re having fun.” You tell her, elbowing Bones sharply and swerving his retaliation.

“So why the pouting?”

“I told you you were pouting.”

“Yes, thank you Leonard; your observational skills are off the scale tonight.”

“Jim’s having fun with someone else right now and someone…” He shoots you another look. “…doesn’t like it.”

“It’s not that it’s just…” You sigh and slump back. “…okay yes it’s exactly that and I hate myself for it.” You steal Leonard’s drink and ignoring his splutter of impertinence you take a long drag from the warm glass. “Jim’s my best friend.” You remind them. “We went to pre-school together and this nonsense would have been fine at any other time in my life but we’re in Starfleet now; on a star ship with a crew and we can’t fuck it up.” You run a hand through your hair. “He’s my best friend and I don’t know how to stop feeling like I want to cry because I helped him pick out a shirt for his date and then tracked misery guts down, so I wouldn’t be alone.” You shoot Len an apologetic look. “No offence.”

“None taken.”

“So get over him.” Your laughter at Nyota’s suggestion dies quickly when you realise you’re the only one responding in such a way.

“Did you not see the whole head-on-bar thing I had going on?” You ask, nodding to the seat you’d been forced from. “I’m working on it.”

“That’s not how you get over someone.” She tells you with a non-committal wave of her hand. She sees you staring patiently at her and raises an incredulous eyebrow. “That was seriously your plan? Drink and pout?”

“It was working perfectly-”

“Oh honey.” She reached across the both and takes your hand. “You poor, pathetic thing.”

You woke the next morning with considerably less of a hangover than you’d planned and considering how much light was flooding the room, you were insanely grateful for the dull ache behind your eyes that wasn’t a hot knife being driven into your skull.

You let out a soft sigh as you scrubbed at your eyes and let yourself just lay here for a little while, letting the absolute silence sooth you. The silence was interrupted quickly though as the body next to you, the one you hadn’t even noticed, began to fidget and promptly rolled over with soft snore.

Your head turned to the person and you felt your fingers cross instinctively as the familiarity of the room led you to the conclusion that the body was that of James Tiberius Kirk. When it was a head of brunette hair and not blonde that greeted you, you let out a sigh of relief and began mentally preparing a letter to Starfleet about not making their officer accommodation so damn generic.

Uhura let out another snort of a snore before settling into a rhythmic pattern of soft growls with every exhale. You fought the urge to laugh at the sight of her birds-nest hair and crumpled clothes from the night before and instead slipped as silently as possible from the sheets to pad into the kitchen.

Thank God you were in her apartment and not a few floors above in Jim’s. After the harrowing recollection of your quasi-relationship from Leonard last night, you weren’t sure you could live with yourself if you’d fallen so easily into bed with him again.

“Good Morning, Lieutenant.”

Your hand instinctively came up to your heart as you let a squeak of surprise at the voice from the kitchen counter. Your wide eyes settled on the figure quickly and you felt your heart rate slow as you corrected your earlier assessment of your surroundings. Not Jim’s apartment, not even Uhura’s apartment, no; you were in Spock’s apartment.

“Spock.” You greeted the man as you slid onto a breakfast bar stool and rested your forehead in one hand. “Sorry for kicking you out of your bed.”

“It is of no problem.” He told you as he moved from the PADD displaying this morning’s news headlines to the coffee machine. “Yourself and Lieutenant Uhura were in far greater need of it than I.”

You flashed him a grateful smile. “Yeah, we may have had a few too man-” You stopped yourself and turned to face the rest of the open-plan living space behind you. “What happened to Len?” You asked, more to yourself than to the man behind you.

“Doctor McCoy declined my offer of the couch and instead insisted he was ‘not drunk enough for a sleepover’ and was only here to ‘make sure the little ladies got home safe’.”

“Ain’t he a sweetheart.” You drawled, turning back to the counter with images of Bones staggering back down the corridor to his own room. God, he was probably passed out in an elevator.

“I took the liberty of transcribing your notes from last night for you.” Spock told you as he set a mug of steaming coffee in front of you. “The soggy bar mat was unlikely to last much longer.” He slid a fresh PADD over to you and you frowned at the four bullet points neatly typed out for you. “And may I say that I commend you for deciding to forgo a romantic relationship with the Captain in favour of retaining your friendship.”

“I-”

“Lieutenant Uhura managed to recount the conversational topic of your night before passing out next to you.”

“Ah.” You took a sip of the still piping hot coffee and avoiding looking at him.

“It is nothing to be ashamed of.” He told you. “I admire your decision. Though, if I may; I have some advice.”

You sigh and rub at your head. “Fire away Spock.”  

“May I advise exercising caution when implementing Rule 3 on your list?” You glanced back to the PADD. “Yourself and the Captain have an…enviable friendship; born from your childhood years together in Iowa. It is a friendship others often strive for and while I am aware Jim counts myself and Doctor McCoy as his closest friends from Starfleet, it is you who, as Doctor McCoy has frequently put it; is his pea in a pod.”

You took another sip of coffee as he spoke and let his words wash over you in a wave of concern. You and Spock weren’t overly close; you’d become friends through Jim and the amount of time you spent alone with the Vulcan was minimal, but you respected him and Nyota was head-over-heels for him, so you had to give him credit for that. So you supposed you and he were friends, and you appreciated his words; it was nice to be reminded that Jim had others looking out for him these days and it wasn’t just up to you to mop him up.

“It is my belief that the Captain would take it…poorly if in attempt to save your friendship with him, you removed yourself from his life.”

“If we continue as we are, Spock, there’s no knowing how it ends; and I’m not going to throw away my career on the Federation’s flagship for a couple of good lays.”

“As I have said Lieutenant; something I commend you for.” He offered you a small smile. “My concern is for how you and Jim will manage without the other.”

“It’s not like I’d blank him in the corridor.” You laugh. “I just need some space before it becomes a shit storm that takes down the Enterprise; god knows there’s enough drama on the bridge without us two screaming at each other more than we already do.”

“One day, I would like to visit your hometown and analyse the culture of your people.” You quirked an eyebrow at the comment. “The sense of duty yourself and the Captain possess is remarkable. I have not seen it in many others from here.”

“Well I wouldn’t say that; the entire bridge crew-”

“Are also embedded with sense of duty, I agree. But I believe it is one they learnt. Yourself and Jim on the other hand…”

“We only really had each other, Spock.” You reminded him. “Putting someone else first has been our entire lives.”

“And that I why I am cautious about the implementation of Rule 3.” You laughed at how succinctly he brought it back around to his previous topic and raised your mug in a toast.

“I’ll bear it in mind.”

He smiled at you again before moving back to the coffee machine as the sounds of Uhura rolling out of bed filled your ears. Moments later the Communications Officer stumbled through the bedroom door with a groan.

“I feel like someone force fed me sandpaper.”

“That’ll be the snoring.” You tell her with a grin.

Her eyes fix on you with a laser glare “I do not snore.” She looks up to Spock as he crosses the room to hand her a mug and press a kiss to the top of her head. “Do I?”

“It is not something I’ve ever heard.” He tells her, and you supress a snort and instead mutter ‘coward’ into your coffee as the woman looks up at him with a breath-taking smile.

You watch the pair interact and wish it could be that easy for you. Your eyes flitter back to the PADD in front of you and sigh; Jim Kirk meant the world to you, but you knew that Starfleet meant more to you both and you wouldn’t be the one to mess it all up. This was an adventure you’d started together and burgeoning feelings for your best friend weren’t going to be the reason you experienced the rest of it alone.

Your eyes scanned the four points that had originally been scrawled by Bones and Uhura after a few too many, and with a sigh you made a promise to yourself to implement them immediately.

How To Get Over Jim ‘Perfect Hair’ Kirk:

1)      Don’t pick up the phone; you know he’s only calling cause he’s drunk and alone

2)      Don’t let him in; you’ll have to kick him out again

3)      Don’t be his friend; you know you’re gonna wake up in his bed in the morning

4)      And if you’re under him, you ain’t getting over him

Part 2

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