#when i first read Mockingjay it messed me up for such a long time afterwards cus this whole series hits so fucking close to home with me

[mariska]

well! bye everyone i'm off to re-read my fav book trilogy of all time that i havent read since their original releases when i was a teenager and also finally get to read the prequel that i never got around to reading for the first time so. i'll see u guys on the other side and by other side i mean i'll see u guys when i re-emerge into society drenched in blood and tears rambling about all the new mental evidence i will have collected for my years-long headcanon that Katniss is autistic and sobbing about how many more details of the whole story i understand on a more profound and deep level than my teenage self was capable of processing properly

[if-music-be-the-food-of-love]

When I read this ...Sander saying this to Hanna, also feels like he is saying it to himself as well about Robbe...now that he's gonna be raising his baby alone...

And then there's Robbe, in the first chapter, within moments of setting his eyes on Amelia goes: “I want to move back in.” ...“...Now I know how I want to be involved. I want to be here. Every day. Living it with you. Being here for both of you. Relieving some of your worries and stress. Taking on some of the responsibilities.”,,,, already a dad.🤍

The selflessness and love that is so inherent to Robbe couldn't have peaked more, he is such a giver<333 and I can't stop thinking how Sander's heart must have been bursting with love in that moment. Robbe is so right for him :') he is even beyond what Sander could think of.

I love your Robbe so much ❤️•́ ‿ ,•̀

This could get long...you have been warned. 😆😍

The one thing that becomes abundantly clear in my fics (and on my tumblr) is that I LOVE Robbe. He is by far my favorite character in all of Skam, and there's a reason for that. I am drawn to a very specific type of person. My family jokingly calls it "the boy scout," but essentially I find kindness and goodness attractive. There's a reason Captain America is my favorite Avenger and that I cried when Sam "I'm the most amazingly, wholesome, good person on the planet" Wilson became the new Cap. (Seriously, ugly crying, I love Sam Wilson.) I adore Peeta. He was my favorite character from day one, and when that goodness was destroyed in Mockingjay, I cried angry tears. She ruined the most loyal, honest character ever. Alec in The Shadowhunter Chronicles--his defining characteristic is that he's a protector, fiercely loyal. He didn't kill a demon until he was 19 bc he was out there defending Jace and Isabelle instead. Sure, he can be a sassy ass, but goodness literally pours out of him. Any time Magnus describes him, it's like he can't comprehend how honest and wholesome he is. It's literally what attracts him at first--shock at this enigma of a Shadowhunter. I could go on, but I'm sure you get the point.

Back to Robbe, so canon Robbe is like this for me. He never spoke ill about his mother or MI. All he did was love and support her. He never pretended to like Jana, and he immediately felt guilty for messing things up for Jens. He suffered a shit ton more homophobia during season 1 and 3 than the other Isaks, which is why his internalized homophobia was so deeply rooted (and why he did make a few bad choices - faking it with Noor, the slur). He actually liked Noor--as a friend, and that's why he tried so hard to make it work, and why they stayed friends afterward. And here's the big one for me, he BROKE UP with her before pursuing Sander. Sure, the pool kiss happened first, but it wasn't planned. He did not purposefully cheat. He manned up and didn't ghost her. For me, that was HUGE. And then we get to Sander. He biked around in the cold for over an hour, only to be pushed away. He broke up with Sander, not bc he was afraid of his MI, but bc he was told it was better for him, that he needed to stay away. Admittedly, his fear, shock, and misinformation led to illogical thinking, resulting in breaking up with Sander over text, and who would have thought Moyo would be the one to clear that up (whoo!). But the second he realized he was wrong, that he'd made a mistake based on incorrect info, he fixed it. He reached out. He called. He texted. He went to visit him. He didn't wait for Sander to need him, to reach out to him. He was actively pursuing him, all while thinking it was over bc he screwed up. All of this is what makes Robbe so special to me. He isn't perfect, but he always acts with a kind heart. None of this has been negated or challenged in later seasons. His fierce, loyal devotion to Sander is all over insta, and he literally glows with pride.

Now to my Robbe in "I Want it All," he's not perfect by any means, not like the Robbe in "Color of Love." I think that one was a little too one-dimensional, mainly because it was all seen through Sander's rose colored glasses. "I Want it All" was actually difficult at first because I usually write from Sander's POV, and it started with Robbe. I find it much easier to think like Sander and just gush about him. Having to be in Robbe's head made things more challenging, but what I've found as the story has progressed, is that Robbe's amazingness is still obvious, BUT we can see that he's flawed. He's (unintentionally) been awful to Sander. Many times. He allowed the Broerrrs to affect their relationship; he was a total ass after the kiss; and he completely ignored his own physical and emotional reactions to Sander, immediately followed by flaunting a completely inappropriate and awful boyfriend in his face, however unconsciously. I'm personally convinced, and since it's my story, I can state it as fact, I guess, that Robbe's jealousy chose Carlos to purposefully punish Sander for proposing to Hanna. It was a rebound, just not in the traditional sense. Granted, he's completely unaware of all this.

Somehow he's still the most caring, supportive, loving friend. One of my personal favorite moments is when he's taking care of Sander during the pregnancy. That's such a selfless, loving thing to do, and he's doing it by choice, not because anyone asked. He recognized that Sander was struggling to balance everything, and he stepped in. To me, that's love. It's unconditional, and that's what drives Robbe. He loves Sander unconditionally, and it's completely unrelated to romance. Even before he realized he was in love with him, he always gave Sander what he needed--a partner to raise his daughter with, companionship, laughter, help around the house, little presents that represent how important Sander is to him, etc. Apart from recognizing the meaning of his and Sander's feelings, he's completely in tune with him and always has been. We're not there yet, but imagine how heartbroken and utterly awful Robbe will feel when he realizes just how long Sander has been waiting for him. We got a glimpse of it in ch. 5, but our poor boy is going to judge himself rather harshly.

The dynamic is so different between them because Robbe is oblivious to his feelings, and Sander is not. What Robbe does and how he acts is completely out of love, no strings attached. He has no ulterior motive. That's what makes him so kind and sweet. Sander's actions, at least in this last part, are always tainted by his unrequited love for Robbe. He loves him. Always, but his disappointment and frustration get in the way. His choices and actions take that unrequited love into consideration, and because of where they are in their lives and the miscommunication, he actually acts against his own interests and feelings to try and protect himself. It's a very interesting distinction when you think that the one who is romantically in love with the other is the one in a serious relationship with someone else while the oblivious one hasn't really dated and only got a boyfriend after the proposal. Ouch. I'm not attacking Sander here at all because I love him too, and it's my fault he did all this; but my clear, obvious preference and love for Robbe and his absolute kindness and goodness, really shines through here.

Anyway, this really was long, but I do love Robbe. He is my favorite, and chances are any future fics will continue to make that obvious.

[little-bookshelf-dragon]

February Wrap Up (Finally)

Okay! So I’m finally getting to this...five days late. Oops. Just to clear that up, I started a reading journal towards the end of February and wanted to do entries for the month of February before making this post. I’m hoping that this will help me organize my thoughts for my reviews. So I can actually... post reviews. 

Anyway. Here we go! I’m going to begin with my overall thoughts and then go into my stats and put reviews under the cut so if you haven’t read these books and want to avoid spoilers you can! 

Overall thoughts on this month’s reading: 

I DNF’d one-third of my TBR this month (two of six. I say one third like it’s so many more than that). It’s a little funny that I had so much more success with the books I hadn’t actually planned to read than my TBR. I’m also kind of surprised that I made it through some of the books that I did, when I DNF’d other books for similar reasons. I did go into this month knowing that this was going to be a difficult bunch of books to get through, 

I think I’m going to have to adjust my Goodreads reading challenge. I’ve already more than halfway through it and its only February. I'm honestly surprised. I didn’t think I was going to make it through the 52 I had planned.  

Stats for this month: 

Total Books Read (Finished): 18 

DNF’d Books: 2

Books I need to Finish: 4

All-Out: The No-Longer-Secret Stories of Queer Teens Throughout the Ages by Saundra Mitchell, et al. 

City of Lost Souls by Cassandra Clare

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows by JK Rowling

We Are the Ants by Shaun David Hutchinson 

Academic Books: 3

A Midsummer Night’s Dream by  Willaim Shakespeare 

Young Goodman Brown by Nathaniel Hawthorne

Pride & Prejudice by Jane Austen

Ratings: 

Five Stars: 5

Four Stars: 7

Three Stars: 4

Two Stars: 2

One Star:  0

Spoilery Reviews Under the Cut! 

DNF’d Books: 

Frozen by Melissa De LaCruz and Micheal Johnston

It was a weird book. In general. And then the Scene that implied sexual assault happened, and I had to stop reading. I just couldn’t bring myself to finish it. 

Ender’s Game By Orson Scott Card

I was having trouble getting into the book in the first place, and then I realized that these were six year old kids. Being trained for war. Against aliens. As I have a sister who’s six, this didn’t sit well with me. 

Two Star Books:

Echo by Alyson Noel 

I was really dissappointed in this book. I really enjoyed the first book in the Soul Seekers book, Fated. I liked the worldbuilding, the relationship between Daire and Dace, the concept of the Echo. But I had too many complaints about this book. Mainly with Cade. I feel like I could have liked him more if he had some actual development and clearer motivations. Though, I think the attempted rape scene was a little much (that’s an understatement.) I think it would be nice if there were a YA book where the female MC wasn’t assaulted, or at least that addresses it properly afterward. 

A Court of Thorns and Roses by Sarah J. Maas

I’m honestly surprised that I finished this one, after I DNF’d another book for similar things happening. I didn't like Feyre much. She didn't seem to have much moe to her character other than painting and hunting. For someone who was meant to be so strong willed, she seemed to change her mind too easily. Rhysand...I don’t know where it start with him. He’s not much of one here, but it’s pretty obvious that they’re setting him up as a love interst in the later books. Can we stop having abusive boyfriends in YA lit? Tamlin was a little pathetic. Maybe don’t alienate the one person that’s your shot at freedom? Maybe? Feyre and Tamilin’s relationship was cute, but it wasn't really all that convincing. 

Three Star Books:

The Maze Runner by James Dashner

The Maze runner was good. I’m not sure if it was good enough to deserve the hype it received. I did not like that there was so much that was left unanswered in the beginning. It’s one thing to withhold information to create interest. It’s another to taunt your readers by having a character ask the questions, and the others refusing to give an answer. I did think the ending was an interesting twist, to stage a ‘rescue’ and then have it turn out to be apart of the trials. 

Love Drugged by James Klise 

There’s...a lot to unpack with this one. At first, the general premise made me feel a little sick. I almost stopped reading it several times thoughtout the book, especially when the chaacters described being gay as a disease. But by the time I finished, I think I understood better. Jamie was being mainipulated, not just by the doctor, but by society to think that way. His journey to discover and understand himself leads to his desperate actions in an effort to escape that manipulation. It’s heartbreaking to know that Jamie's thoughts were based off of off the author’s when he was around the same age.   

Take Two by Julia Devillers & Jennifer Roy 

I was kind of disappointed in this book. I loved the first one when I was younger, so the fact that I didn’t feel the same about the sequel is a let down. Though I guess that might have to do with the difference in age between the times I read them   

Young Goodman Brown by Nathaniel Hawthorne 

Four Star books: 

Mockingjay by Suzzane Collins 

I cried so much reading this book. Katniss yelling at Buttercup at the end broke me. Her “for Prim” before the execution was beautiful (I’ll admit it took me some time to realize she was hinting at what she was planning to do.) Cinna having a part in the rebellion even after his death. The amount that Haymitch cares about Peeta and Katniss. UGH the feels. I did have a problem with the pacing. I felt like all the action was squeezed in at teh end. And Peeta and Katniss’s relationship seemed to seesaw between them in it’s one-sidedness throughout the series. 

Duel Of Fire by Jordan Rivet 

I did not expect to enjoy this book as much as I did. Especially at he beginning, I thought the characters were annoying. But that GROWTH. By the end, I loved the characters. I had a hunch about who the rebels were, but I wasn’t sure until they were revealed. I loved the magic system and world building, and I can’t wait to see how the story will be developed in the next book and the rest of the series. 

Steelheart by Brandon Sanderson

This was my first Brandon Sanderson book and I was not disappointed. The concept was interesting, the Epics having a specific weakness kept them from being overpowered, and I loved the fact that  the “Normal people” weere the heroes (For the most part.) I KNEW there was somehing up wiht Megan. But Steelheart’s weakness completely threw me off. I had so many theories, but I was wrong on all of them. That was a plot twist done well. 

City of Fallen Angels by Cassandra Clare

(I’m actually not going to include my notes here because they turned into more of a rant at the characters than an actual reveiw) 

Galatea by Madaline Miller

I want more of this. Any additional content, I want it. It says something that she felt the only way to escape was to die (And take her husband with her). I REALLY want to know what happened with their daughter.  

The Skin I’m In by Sharon G. Flake 

This is a reread for me. I read tthis book when I, I believe,  was the same age as Maleeka. And at the time, while I had never been in the same situations she’s in, I could still relate to her. Now, as an adult working with students Maleeka’s age, I see my students. It gives me a better insight to what might be going on in their homes, thoughts, and attitudes. This is a book that so many of them should read, just like so many of them could use a Ms. Saunderson. 

A Midsummer Night’s Dream by Willaim Shakespeare

Five Star books:

Clockwork Prince by Cassandra Clare 

This book. This book. I audiobooked most of it, which meant that I was listening to it in class while working. Which means I cried. During class. This is one of the few love triangles I think I’ve ever really liked and am actually emotionally invested in. I fully understand the hype around this series. I can't wait to pick up the next one.   

The Poet X by Elizabeth Acevedo

After finishing the audiobook, I'm sitting here trying to find the words to describe how much this means to me. How many of Xiomara's thoughts and feelings I relate to. And I just can't find the words. I can't remember the last time a book meant this much to me. Wanting to find my own voice. Beginning to question the religion that has been such a big part of my life for a long time. Feeling like I have to hide parts of myself, my thoughts, my feelings, everything I wish I could say but can't, from people I care about. Wanting my own writing to mean something to others. I wish I could put what I'm feeling into words, but I'm struggling. I cried. I need a copy of this book. I loved it so much.

Saint Anything by Sarah Dessen

I feel like Dessen’s books follow a pattern. I’ve only read three so far, but I’m able to see the similarities. However, that dosn't stop them from being unique. Sydney’s problems are different from Macy’s, whose are different from Collie’s. So while the books are similar enought to notice a pattern,  they’re unique enough to keep the reader’s interest. I wouldn’t say that Saint Anything has impacted me as much as some books have, but I did still enjoy it. Also, a moment of appreciation for instances of sexual assault handled correctly? It's rare to see the subject addressed in a book after it happens. Though I would have loved to see Ames prosecuted. We need to tell girls it's okay to speak up about these things.

Tell Me Again How a Crush Should Feel by Sara Farizan

I loved this. I’m not even sue how to put it all inot words. First of all, Saskia getting expelled? Excellent. That girl made me so mad. Messing with Lila’s feelings was bad enough, but hen going stalker, assualting her, and then outing her to the entire school? I think I would have liked to see even more of a punishment, honestly. Maybe someting from her parents. LISA. I loved Lisa. I’m so happy she and Leila ended up together. They both deserved to be happy and I’m so happy they got to be happy together. I was so emotional after finishing this book.  

Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen 

I’m not going to go too in depth because then this would be way too long but this is my favorite book that I’ve had to read for a calss. Ever. 

[terresdebrume]

Spin Control reread : Prologue

Alright I’m ready for this (literally starting the whole thing with breakfast on a fine Monday morning) and let me tell you I’m getting excited again just reading the summary.

When Haymitch Abernathy’s alcoholism makes the prime time news, Finnick Odair is sent to live in District Twelve to pick up the pieces. But it’s hard to save a friend if you can barely stand looking yourself in the eye. And it might become impossible once that friend decides to move hell and high water to bring two of his tributes home at once, even if it should cost him his own life.

I’m not going to lie, my expectations reading that summary for the first time where pretty much that I’d get Haymitch’s POV during the Hunger Games trilogy with bonus romance with Finnick (I don’t remember if the ‘skip to chapter 17 if you want to see Peeta or Katniss right away’ note was already there when I first started the fic, but if it was I basically mentally skipped it. Oops.). What I got was much better, let’s be honest. Anyway, onward to the fic proper ! :D

The trigger warnings start arriving right away, by the way : Finnick’s pov in the middle of a Capitol night isn’t pretty but it is realistic and rings true. Spin Control is in many (most?) respect a trauma fic and if you don’t get that during the opening you’ve missed an important detail.

Anyway, I do like that the first thing we see of the two main characters is in contrast with what we are presented with in the books. Finnick is vulnerable as fuck, in the middle of a breakdown, and Haymitch is still drunk but almost explicitly kind which, well. Katniss almost only sees the more abrasive side of him.

(Not to say that Haymitch is a nice person, per se. He’s capable of being kind, we see that mostly from his Hunger Games tape in Catching Fire and in a few moments where he tries being supportive of Katniss in Mockingjay (though even there you have to look for it, imo) but he doesn’t ever appear like the nice and smiling type to me, even if you somehow took the Games and everything else away)

“I hate going back every time. I wish I didn’t have to,” he heard himself say abruptly, as if the unexpected touch had made something come loose. He opened his eyes to stare at the wall. When he heard Haymitch starting to reply, he continued vehemently. “Not back in there.” He nodded at the club. “Back home. District Four.” His eyes were still burning from the tears that were threatening to spill over, from the bile in his throat. It was one of those days when everything hurt. “I hate that they – Mags, my parents, everybody – that they have to see me like that, like I’m...” But he ran out of words at that point. Collaborator. Slut. Killer. Saying it aloud would make it even more real, so he just bit his lip. It still felt swollen, from the kissing.

“Aw, kid, listen…” Haymitch said in a strained voice as if he was suddenly finding himself wildly out of his depth, his hand still on Finnick’s shoulder, as if he had decided that he would try and hold him upright physically for lack of better options.

I really like this bit, because we’re very much Haymitch there, in a way. We read ‘I hate going back every time’ and assume Finnick means the club, the clients, the whole mess of it and it makes sense because it’s horrible—and then he says it’s Four, and suddenly there’s this sense of ‘but shouldn’t it be a break for you’? Like Haymitch, who either doesn’t care about what people (who, it’s worth keeping in mind, are not close to him because everyone he loved has been dead for twenty-one years at this point) think of him in 12 or is firmly in the process of training himself out of it, we’re left a little at a loss, trying to readjust the image we had of Finnick and to figure out how to deal with it.

(Interestingly, having left my parents’ home since I last read Spin Control, I find myself understanding the sentiment a lot better, though. Obviously Finnick and I have very different circumstances but I do get what it’s like to go back to a place where you should be free and comfortable and to find yourself faced instead with a version of you you literally can’t stand, whether that’s really what your family thinks of you or what you’re projecting on them (or both). This tidbit used to make sense in an abstract way for me, it’s less abstract now x))

And then, of course, Haymitch breaks out the booze. Which sounds kind of like a joke when you say it like that but then again, it’s not like he’s got anything else to offer at that moment and he knows it. Haymitch doesn’t have experience with Finnick’s problem, doesn’t have a solution for it or a way to get Finnick out of his shitty situation because they live in a dictatorship and no one really gets an out...so he shares the only thing he’s found to deal (or pretend to deal?) with this whole mess : the alcohol. It makes for a humorous moment on surface (I like the image of Finnick trying not to cough himself to death, ngl) but it’s actually really sad.

When he would go back in to serve his client, the spot on his shoulder where Haymitch’s hand had been would feel oddly empty all night; he just wasn’t used to that kind of support anymore, not when his family didn’t know how to give it and he’d rather die than talk to Mags about sex.

This is the first time in this story where I really want to hug both of these men and put them in blanket burritos like they aren’t grown adults and fully capable of killing me one handed, but rest assured it certainly isn’t the last. I wonder how long it’s been since Finnick was on the receiving end of that kind of platonic touching tbh (I’m not sure how much his family knows exactly, or how much of a damper the knowledge puts on their physical interactions, but i feel like it’s probably a reasonable question to ask) and of course Haymitch has probably been touch starved for the past twenty years or so which, ouch. Makes me wonder if he was overly conscious of his hand afterwards, too.

There was another world, somewhere, in which the victors of Panem made contact with District Thirteen in that year, during those Games, and everything changed when the rebellion began. Haymitch sobered up somewhat, just for a little while but long enough for everything to turn out differently. Finnick gained new hope and went to make new friends back home; he went to meet Annie Cresta and became a happier man.

This was not that world.

Ah, yes. The warning I read and then promptly forgot. Oh well, it’s okay, it’s not like I disliked the actual ending xD

[holywaterxx]

A Drabble | Finnick Odair

❝ Better not give into it. It takes ten times as long to put yourself back together as it does to fall apart. ❞ - Finnick Odair, Mockingjay

February 2018

Stella Monroe stared at herself in the mirror, brushing through her platinum locks slowly. She barely recognized the woman staring back at her, the one adorned in a pretty black dress with some pearls wrapped around her neck. Her bright blue eyes were uncharacteristically dull, the sadness sitting on her heart reflecting back towards her. She supposed it was normal to be sad, though. Four days ago, she’d answered the door to two detectives standing at her door. They’d flashed their badges at her and asked if they could come in. Once she’d gotten them a cup of coffee, they’d dropped the bomb: her husband was dead. She’d been completely shocked, and that is when the whole ridiculous tale had come to light. As it would turn out, her husband of seven years had been an undercover officer. He’d been killed in what they’d called a “raid gone bad”. Today, they were burying him.

Stella had barely understood then and she sure as hell didn’t understand any better now. She’d spent the last few days going through the motions, even as the thoughts caught her at the most inopportune times. Every single what if, as she’d traversed the last few months in her head. Late last year, she’d accused Wesley of cheating on her. He’d insisted for the first bit that he wouldn’t - couldn’t - do that to her, but he’d continued to be distant, continued not coming home every night, said he was staying at the bar he’d supposedly owned. She’d fought him, time and again, and eventually, he’d given in. He’d told her she was right. Now she couldn’t help but wonder if that hadn’t been true at all, if she’d filed for divorce for absolutely no reason at all.

There were other worries, of course. There’d been all of the questions she would never get answered, like why he’d never told her. If Wesley Monroe had even been his real name. If she’d always been part of his cover, if he’d ever really loved her. She was pretty sure the answer to the last question was that he had, in fact, loved her, but it didn’t mean she didn’t think about it. She was pretty sure that if she could feel anything at all, she’d be driving herself crazy, or simply crying all the fucking time. Truth be told, she wasn’t sure why she hadn’t fallen apart yet; after all, she’d tried to cry. She wanted to cry. She thought that it was probably because she had two kids relying on her, that maybe she was simply putting on a good face. She also thought that maybe she just still didn’t understand that this was real, but really, she just wasn’t sure. All she knew was that she was numb.

“You look pretty,” came a voice from behind her, and Stella nearly jumped clean out of her skin. Turning her attention to her sister through the mirror, she gave a brittle smile that neither of them truly believed. “I hope so. Mom raided my entire damn closet. She said something like ‘even if your cheating husband is dead, you still need to look beautiful.’ I think she expects his mistress to show up,” she muttered, a soft sigh leaving her lips. Placing the brush back on her dresser, she turned to face her sister. “How are the boys holding up?” she asked, almost hesitantly. Salem shrugged her way. “Easton is trying to be strong, I think. Beckham is a mess, but I think your mom is trying to help him as much as she can.”

She knew what Salem wasn’t saying, then. Her mom was trying to step up, take care of the kids, because everyone still expected her to shatter at any minute. She hated that a bit, needed them to just roll with it, with her being okay. “You know,” Salem started, but stopped. “Nevermind, actually.” Stella sighed, shaking her head. “No, don’t do that. I’m not glass, you can say whatever you want.” Salem still looked apprehensive, but she finally let out a harsh breath. “Stella, you know it’s okay, right? If you need to fall apart. That’s why your mom and Alexander came up from DC.” Stella did know that, actually. She simply laughed, though it was humorless. “It takes ten times longer to put yourself back together than it does to fall apart,” she replied, quoting one of her favorite movies. “I don’t really have time to do that, Salem. I have two kids downstairs who need me. And we’re going to be late if we don’t get a move on.”

////////

Stella made it through the funeral and the small reception afterwards. She made it through getting the boys into bed that night, even sent her parents and her sister on to bed, too. As she’d started to take off her jewelry and get ready for bed, though, she’d opened the top of her jewelry box. There, a little black box sat. She knew immediately that she should simply close the jewelry box back up, but she didn’t do that. Instead, she picked the box up, replacing it with the earrings she’d worn all day, and sat down on the bed. Once she’d opened it, there was a catch in her breath. Inside sat the same diamond that had been on her finger since before she’d had Beckham.

Looking at that ring, Stella could see a flashback of all of the most amazing moments in their relationship. Meeting him again, falling in love with him over potty training and him teaching their oldest to curse, getting married on the beach at Staten Island. She could see them in the delivery room after Beckham was born, how she was sure she’d never loved anyone more. She saw him rejoicing with her when she’d gotten the loan to start Mad Batter, helping her pick out the perfect place to open the bakery. There were other memories, too; Wesley had been the perfect husband at one point in their lives, loving her endlessly as he’d come home after a rough day and fallen straight into bed with her. Nights when she’d sit there reading and he’d just watch her, and she’d roll her eyes at him. There were also the bad memories, too, of him not coming home, of him finally admitting to cheating. Then, the last memory she had of him: spending Valentine’s Day together, falling back together, telling him that she would always, always love him, and him returning the sentiment.

She didn’t realize that she was crying until she heard her door open, and she let out a pathetic sniff. “Stella,” said the soft voice of her sister. She released another useless, humorless laugh. “The love of my life is dead, Sale,” she whispered, her voice breaking as a sob overtook her body. Salem cursed, but closed her door and immediately joined her on the bed. As Salem’s arms wrapped around her, all that Stella could do was cry, and cry, and cry. Whatever had been holding back this flood had finally burst, and she thought that Finnick had been right; it would probably take her ten times as long to put herself back together after this, because a despair like she’d never known had finally taken hold of her, and she wasn’t sure it would let her go so easily.