#when facillier being in this doesn’t even make sense from day one

[animerunner]

Disney park bloggers discovering the thing that they said wouldn’t be in Tiana’s Bayou Adventure is in fact not in the ride. Is both hilarious and annoying to watch

I get average people missing this

Yall no.

[hitchell-mope]

(Third film. Kronk’s Tavern. Facillier’s just sat down at the bar next to Hades (Eva Green) who’s nursing a large flagon of beer)

Facillier: so you’ve heard

Hades: heard? Of course I’ve fucking heard. Your daughter and my son are dead

Facillier: legally. Legally dead there may still yet be hope

Hades: he has no magic. And she’s not powerful enough to keep the both of them alive. So either they’re both dead or there’s going to be a rampaging homicidal heartbroken teenager laying waste to the island any day now

Facillier: you don’t know that.

Kronk (genuinely trying to help): well anything’s possible isn’t it? Both could be dead or one had to eat the other. Phytoplankton only goes so far you know

Facillier: Kronk! There’s a call for you downstairs.

Kronk (not getting the sarcasm): OH BOY

(He launches headfirst into the floor knocking himself out cold)

Facillier: tch. Sideskicks. Now that’s been taken care of. How are you doing?

Hades: my second son is presumed dead. So is your first daughter. What do you think?

Facillier: not very good

Hades: nope!

(She takes another massive swig of beer)

Facillier: where’s Hadie right now?

Hades: with Antony at the butchers. Why?

Facillier: let’s get out of here. You can come back to mine. And we can

Hades: oh ho ho. The offers greatly appreciated. You don’t know how much. But I have a wife

Facillier: I know. She dumped you the morning after the wedding night the moment she realised she was pregnant with Mal.

Hades: oh, no. No. I mean my first wife. Persephone. After all this trouble I think it’s time I put our arrangement aside and focus on her and my five, sorry, four, four children.

Facillier: be that as it may. You’re in no state to be alone tonight. At least let me escort you back to your lair

Hades: nope. Nope. Too risky. I don’t trust myself

(This is when “honey I’m good” happens. After the song she collapses into Facillier’s arms completely drunk)

Facillier: yeah....I’m taking you back to my place. You can’t be alone tonight

Hades (mumbling): ifyoumustyoumust

Facillier: heh?

(Hades mumbles again. This time even more unintelligibly. Then pushes herself away from him)

Hades: fine then. Walk me home.

Facillier: start going. I’ll catch up.

Hades: oooh no no no. You’re walking me back to your place.

Facillier: someone has to pay for the booze

Hades (incredulously): it’s KRONK!

Facillier:....fair point

(They leave the tavern and make their way back to the arcade. This is when “walk me home” happens. After the song they walk through the door of Facillier’s arcade, Hades (having switched to his Sebastian Stan form) being half carried-half dragged inside by Facillier)

Anastasia: so he’s heard?

Facillier: and then some. And kronk was absolutely no help whatsoever

Anastasia: Well you know what we sidekicks are like

Facillier: yes I do. I was one.

Anastasia: oh yeah....I forgot about that

Facillier: everyone does. Help me get him to the sofa

Hades (grumpily pushing himself off from Facillier): no-ohhhh!!!! Imma go drinkie-poo some more

Anastasia: drinkie-poo?

Facillier: cut him some slack alright? He’s grieving his son. I doubt you’d be coping well if Anthony were dead

Anastasia: first off. No one should ever mourn a pirate. Secondly. Assumed dead is very different than ACTUALLY dead. Thirdly. Uma’s in the same situation and you’re not falling apart.

Facillier: I can’t afford to.

Hades (over at the bar): STOP TALKING!!!! I’M WALLOWING HERE!!!!

Anastasia: yeah, we know. And you need to stop

Hades: why the he>hic<ell should I?

Anastasia: because it’s not healthy?

Hades (hair bursting into flames): I AM A GOD!!!!

Facillier: yeah, yeah, we heard you the first 98 million times. Now! We need to sober you up

Hades: wahverfor?

Anastasia: it’s unseemly for a being of your calibre to behave in this manner

Hades: oh fuck off Human!

(Facillier pulls Anastasia off to the side)

Facillier: I think it’s time to try a different approach

Anastasia: ya think?

Facillier: the question is; what do we do?

Anastasia: if we can make this slag heap partially liveable we can kick a deity out of his funk.

Facillier: yeah but how?

Anastasia: to music of course.

Facillier: now why didn’t I think of that?

Anastasia (cupping his face in her hands and looking fondly at him): because you can be a right old idiot sometimes

Facillier: thank you Ana, thank you for the help

Anastasia: it’s what I’m here for Antoine. HADES!!!! What happened to you. We made this island what it is. We built everything from the arcade to the docks. Admittedly it only took 12 hours but we did it. So why are you so down in the dumps?

Hades: I grew up. I have four-three-one. I have 1 child on this island and now he’s all grown up. I’m superfluous.

Anastasia: but people used to run at the mere mention of your name. What happened?

Hades: I’m dead inside

Anastasia: then reignite. Antoine!

(Facillier turns the stereo on. This is when “we built this city” happens. After the song they collapse on the sofa)

Anastasia: feel a bit better?

Hades (chuckling slightly): a bit

Anastasia: gonna stop the hard drinking?

Hades: yup

Anastasia: alright then. In that case. I’m gonna go back to my place. The meat ain’t gonna cut itself you know

Facillier: you could just ask us to help you with magic

Anastasia: nah, I like doing it myself. Keeps me busy. See ya tomorrow

Facillier and Hades: see ya

Hades (immediately after the door closes): I lied

(He launches himself at the bar intent on getting more beer)

Facillier: oh no you don’t!

(He clicks his fingers and Hades ends up suspended in mid air. This is when “I do not hook up” happens. After the song the focus momentarily shifts back to Uma and Celia witnessing the flashbacks)

Uma: wow. They were cut up

Celia: yeah....

Uma (breaking into laughter): THIS IS AMAZING!!!!

Celia: what

Uma: don’t you see? This means someone actually cares about me. I always thought-

(Suddenly they get pulled out of the arcade and into another building filled with exercise equipment, a boxing ring and musical devices)

Celia: where are we

Uma: Morgana’s Speakeasy

Celia: there’s a speakeasy on the island?

Uma: sort of. She told me it’s fun to say. And more inviting then mere bare knuckle boxing. Why would the incense bring us here though?

Celia: of course. Look.

(Uma turns to see the action behind her. Morgana looks shellshocked as Anastasia fetches her a drink)

Morgana: she’s gone. Dead. Dead and gone

Anastasia: assumed dear and gone. There’s still a chance she’s alive

Morgana: if he tries to worm his way back here he’s in for a nasty dose of reality. I can tell you that nothing

Anastasia: Morgan, you’ve got to stop doing this. Not everything has to be traced back your psycho sister and Antoine.

Morgana: tell that to them then.

Anastasia: that’s....a lot of T’s in one sentence. You know what you need? Visualisation Therapy.

Morgana: and that would be?

Anastasia: I don’t know. I read it in a book. And I’m spouting it to what I made Hades do just now. I see no reason why it can’t work on you as well.

Morgana: what do we do?

Anastasia: you’ve got second hand karaoke right?

Morgana: at the bar

Anastasia: perfect. (She walks over to the bar). Now let’s see. Hmmmm. Ooh! Perfect.

(She switches on the machine. After a few stutters and a tiny, easily squashed fire the music starts)

Morgana: oh Christ not this one. It doesn’t even make sense

Anastasia: who cares? Just sing it!

Morgana: ugh. Fine

(This is when “big girls don’t cry” starts. After the song the Speakeasy melts away and the two sisters get pulled upwards)

Uma: what was that?

Doug: ten minutes are up. Come on

(He leads them back into the kitchen where Carlos is glowing with white light and viciously beating Harry up as everyone but Hades, Elsa, Hadie and the Hook sisters cheer him on)

Uma: what the hell’s going on?

Doug: Harry ran his mouth. Carlos got so pissed off he unlocked his latent demon magic. And is now currently in the process of beating the shit out of Harry

Uma: and the king allowed this?

Doug: he’s Carlos’s father. Of course he did.

Uma: DE VIL. STOP THIS RIGHT NOW

Carlos (with the “I’m far too cute for you to get mad at me” look on his face): Sono sempre così terribilmente dispiaciuto capitano. ma non ho la più pallida idea di cosa stai insinuando

Uma: what?

Carlos: means “no”. I can speak Italian now

Jay: I like Italian Carlos

Uma: aren’t you English or something

Carlos: my biological fathers the coachman from pleasure island. Who else do you think would willingly reproduce with Cruella De Vil?

Uma:....good point. But you’re what? 16? How have you only just unlocked your magic?

Carlos: never been quite so pissed off before. Thank you Hook

(Harry wheezes and coughs up blood in response)

Doug: anyway....hades, Mal. I believe you two were going to tell them something.

Hades: yes! Right. Sorry. Uh. Where to start?

Doug: want me to help?

Mal: please?

Doug: fine. When I was under the sleeping curse Maleficent appeared to me and tried to get me to betray you all and join her. I stabbed her with a material dark fae are allergic to and she teleported away. But before they she said something that got me thinking. Some crap about being naive and on your own. But I wanted to know more. So I asked Hades. And then told him to tell Mal cause you know it’s her family history even if she doesn’t see herself as Maleficent’s daughter anymore. Now your turn. Your eminence

Hades: Maleficent isn’t french. She’s Persian. In the year three hundred she decided she wanted rule her kind. Only. They weren’t hierarchical. So she got mad. And killed them. Every last man, woman and child. Until she was the last one left. Then made her way to france. She made a name for herself. Became the Mistress Of All Evil. In 1300 Aurora was born. And, well, you know the rest.

Uma (incredulous): what?

Mal: and the really funny thing is. I don’t know how to speak Persian. But apparently. I can understand it. Take it away dad

Hades: امروز برای صبحانه چی خوردی؟

Mal: bakers dozen egg yolk omelette deep fried in chunky chocolate peanut butter. SEE!?!?

Uma: I-I-I I can’t

Evie: neither can I Uma. But let’s face my sister is inordinately and insanely unfairly lucky

Carlos: are you seriously still on this?

Evie: I just don’t think it’s fair that Mal is willing to forgive him after what he did and yet I’m not allowed to be rightfully mad he abandoned me for sixteen years

Mal: we’ve been over this E. You know why he did what he did

(The two sisters continue to argue as Carlos approaches Jay)

Carlos: I think it’s time for that spell again

Jay: good. Because I really like what happens when we use it. By your leave C

Carlos: thank you. To get rid of these ants in their pants/I command thee all to get up and dance.

(This is when “we are” happens. After the song. Evie now looks more annoyed than ever)

Evie: stop doing that!

Carlos: why? I think it’s hilarious.

Ben: yeah it is actually kinda growing on me

Evie: well I don’t like it. So stop doing it. Ok?

Carlos: when did you become such a drag?

Evie: hmmmmm let’s see. Probably right around the time I found out I’m related to two of the people I hate most in this world.

Carlos: hmmmmm. Nah. You were a drag before today

Mal (sensing danger): ok that’s it!

(She clicks her fingers and the whole house melts away along with everyone else leaving her and Evie in a beige coloured void)

Evie: what did you do that for?

Mal: because you snapped at Carlos.

Evie: of course. Of course you defend the precious prince(.)

Mal: what is your problem? Huh? I’m mean you weren’t exactly sugary sweet before. But today you’ve been downright freaky. Ever since I connected the dots you’ve been indulging in this pity party act that just isn’t like you. And sometimes you’re fine. And then you go ballistic for no good reason-oh my god. Is it your uh....?

Evie: what? No. That’s next week.

Mal: ohhhh. Then what is it? Cause frankly. You’re being a nightmare. And you really need to-

Evie: I don’t know ok! And even if I did know. I wouldn’t tell you. Cause there’s no way in His realm you would ever understand

Mal: and just what is that supposed to mean?

Evie: I don’t ugh I just. (Irritable sigh). It���s just that.

Mal: tell me

Evie: no

Mal: why not? Maybe I could help

Evie: you couldn’t. I doubt even Doug or Dizzy could help.

Mal: why?!

Evie: BECAUSE IT’S NOT HAPPENING TO YOU!

Mal: what!

Evie: you just don’t get it. Everything was fine. I escaped my mother. I have Doug. I have Dizzy. I gave our house. And then this happens. And you are oh so smug about it.

Mal: I’m afraid I’m not following.

Evie: of course you’re not. Allow me put this in terms you might understand

(This is when “better than I” happens. After the song. Evie snaps her fingers and takes them back to the kitchen)

Evie: so do you?

Mal: do I what?

Evie: know better than I do? Know why it’s so difficult for me to accept this?

Mal: no

Evie: then keep out of it then

(She stalks out of the kitchen)

Uma: whoo. I do believe you’ve touched a nerve

Carlos: shut up Uma

Uma: or what?

Carlos: or I’ll make you

Uma: you wouldn’t dare

Carlos: I almost killed you back in the mirror. And that was without magic. Imagine what I can do now that I have it

Uma: you don’t scare me De Vil

Carlos: of course not. Because you don’t want to face the fact that the “weak little human bitch” that you loved siccing Harry on. Can now REPEATEDLY hand you your multi legged ass on a platinum platter

Uma: you wouldn’t dare.

Carlos: oooh let’s see now

(He summons Uma’s nautilus necklace to his hand and freezes her in place)

Carlos: how’d she do this again? Oh yeah

(The nautilus begins glowing white hot and he starts singing)

Carlos: 🎶If you want to cross the bridge, you bitch/You've got the pay the toll/Take a gulp and take a breath/And please try not to be a troll/mom and dad you know I've got her, guys/The prince is on a roll/This poor unfortunate soul🎶 What was next? Oh right. 🎶Beluga sevruga. Come winds of the Caspian Sea/Larengix glaucitis/Et max laryngitis/La voce to me🎶 Now, sing!

Carlos (with an insanely sadistic smile on his face): Keep singing!

(White smoke pours out of the nautilus, forms into hands and makes their way to Uma’s throat. Which is itself glowing. Just like Ariel’s did all those years ago.)

Uma (utterly pants shittingly terrified): Aah...

(The smokey hands had just about reached into Uma’s mouth when Doug snatches the nautilus out of Carlos’s hand and throws it back to Uma who falls to her knees and starts sobbing brokenly)

Carlos: hey dude, not cool.

Doug: now is really not the time C. Alright?

Carlos: urgh. Fine

(Doug follows Evie upstairs. Carlos looks around in mild surprise)

Carlos: hey. Where’d my folks go?

(Out in the backyard Ben and Mal are surveying the completely totalled gazebo)

Mal: so whadya say? Can it be salvaged?

Ben: possibly sold to a salvagers. OOOH! I know! If we clean the wood up and fix any missing chunks I can take it to the island and give it out as free firewood. Wait. Does winter exist on the isle?

Mal: there’s no snow. But it’ll get very cold very fast at the end of August.

Ben: that should be enough time to clean and multiply the wreckage.

Mal: sounds like a plan.

Ben: whatcha thinking of?

Mal: sisters getting on my nerves

Ben: again

Mal: well at least I’m trying. Which is a damn sight more than she’s doing.

Ben: perhaps she doesn’t want you to try? Like how you never let us go to therapy with you?

Mal (realising what he means): oh. Never thought about it like that before

Ben: eh that’s alright. There’s a lot that’s been going on today. S’understandable. And besides. Even if you don’t patch it up today. You’ve got until the sun expands to talk it over. And then some. But just remember you’ve got me as well.

(He waggles his eyebrows and smiles that “who said I can’t be an incorrigible little shit just because I’m the king” smile that always makes Mal laugh)

Mal (through her laughter): oh how positively awful

(This is when “1000 years” happens. After the song. Bal hug each other. Then Mal sees something in the kitchen)

Mal: I’m so sorry. You give very, very good advice. But I’m afraid I have to go and make a scene.

(She heads back inside)

Ben (chuckling to himself): I wouldn’t have it any other way

(In the kitchen. Evie’s behind the counter. She’s put her hair up in a messy bun, taken all her makeup off and is forest green pyjamas monogrammed with the initials “D.N.S.G”)

Mal: what’re you doing? This isn’t like you. Getting ready for bed when you have guest. What’re you playing at?

Evie: I’m tired, Mal. It’s been a long. I’ve been put through hell. So excuse me but im going to bed

Mal: at 9:40 in the evening?

Evie: you all know where your rooms are. Celia can bunk with Dizzy. Hades, Hadie and Elsa can camp out in the living room. The pirates can fuck off outsude for all I care. I’m. Going. To bed

Gil: this really does seem unlike you E. Party isn’t over yet. And, plus, we’ve still got to come up plan to stop Chad, Maleficent and Adam.

Evie: but we can’t do that right now. You know that right? If we make up a plan right now and go in guns blazing we’re toast. You understand that right? I mean what the hell are we compared to them? Huh? (Pointing to Mal). A dragon in therapy.(Pointing to Ben). The one scaly to rule them all. (Pointing to Carlos). A teenager who’s four steps away from being a marvel villain. (Pointing to Jay). Civilised Tarzan. (Pointing to Uma). Kleines Fräulein tunnel vision. (Pointing to Harry then Hadie). My brothers slut one and slut two. (Pointing to Harriet). Scottish Bellatrix. (Pointing to Hades). My abandoner of a father. (Pointing to Elsa). An ice queen with social anxiety. (Pointing to CJ). A Liddellite. (Pointing to Celia). Lyra fucking Silvertongue. (Pointing to Lonnie). The general. (Pointing to Jane). A powder keg full of marshmallows. (Pointing to Gil). Blonde Hercules. (She gets kinder now as she points to Dizzy). My beyond intelligent daughter. (Pointing upstairs which is where Doug still is). My talented amazing brilliant extremely handy boyfriend. (Pointing to herself). And me. The only one in this place with any brains. So you see Gilly. We can’t beat them like this. So I’m going to bed. And we can reconvene in the morning. Good night and leave me alone

(She turns to leave but Carlos stops her)

Evie (whining): whahahat? What now?

Carlos: rooms?

Evie: what? Oh yeah. Let’s see now. Most of you know where your rooms are anyway. Uhhhh. Celia. You can share with Dizzy. Elsa and Hades can sleep on the fold out couches in the lounge. The pirates can sleep outside. It’s supposed to rain tonight. Hopefully they’ll melt. Once again. Goodnight!

(She leaves again. She’s halfway up the stairs when Squeaky starts whimpering in pain in his sleep. Squirmy soon joins him. And then they both start crying)

Evie (inhaling sharply through her nose): this is just not my day is it? (Calling up the stairs) Doug. Could you come down. (Bitterly). The shit’s hitting the fan.

(After Doug comes back down. The twins are still screaming and crying in their sleep. And he pirates are looking progressively more terrified)

Uma: WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING?!?!

Mal (frantically flipping through the spell book): I don’t know! I don’t know!

Hades: and what time is it now?

Hades (thinking intensely): twelve hours. DOUGLAS! What time was it when my ex wife and that class traitor attacked the house?

Doug: uhhhh. 10am. Why?

Hades: and what’s time now?

Matty (who’s just arrived and been witnessing the past events amusedly with a very frightened Dude in his arms): 9:50pm

Carlos: GIVE ME BACK MY DOG!!!! (Matty does so). Thank you. Now. What the hell are you doing here you little freak?

Matty: temper temper Mr De Vil. I suggest you treat me a mite more kindly because right now I am your only hope of keeping those two awake past sunrise.

(At this point the screen cuts to Ursula’s restaurant on the isle. The time stamp on the screen says “several hours ago”. Hook’s at the piano, all limbs and mental faculties restored and he’s giving a little performance to all the villains who are meeting there. This is when “little drop of poison” happens.)

[kathyprior4200]

Smile, My Dear Annie!

 TO COMMENCE, JUNE 2020

For many years, orphan girl Annie wishes her parents would return for her and get her out of the orphanage from the strict Miss Hannigan. Warbucks appears on Bert's radio show, offering money to help find Annie's parents. Annie and the girls get excited and dance to "You're Never Fully Dressed."

 But then, something goes terribly wrong. The radio starts glitching and through the static, a demonic voice can be heard. Dad jokes, electro swing, and broadcasts of murders start appearing on all the radios. A mysterious brown-haired mixed radio host named Alastor arrives, claims to be desperate for money and food.

 Grace encourages Warbucks to adapt Annie, and Annie hopes to be able to leave the orphanage. But things turn south when Hannigan's brother and his girlfriend pose as her parents. Even worse, a new serial killer is on the loose, hungry for revenge and entertainment.

  No one knows what will happen with the strange supernatural occurrences and the rush for people to raise her. But one thing's for sure...

 Annie isn't safe anymore.

 Now she must reunite with Grace, Warbuck and her friends and escape the greedy couple...if Alastor doesn't end up finding her first...

The scene starts off with a brief snippet of Alastor's death in New Orleans in 1933. In Hell, he desires to go back to New Orleans to broadcast more murders and eat individuals who were cruel to him. He notices how some lower class demons get influenced by his radio broadcasts. After hearing from an overlord that "humans would be good bait to use in war," he gets an idea.

 With the help of I.M.P. Alastor gains access to Earth, but he accidentally ends up in New York instead. He looks over and sees his old radio he used to listen to when he was a kid. (It even had his name engraved on the side). Apparently, several people bought it from an antique shop in New Orleans and added it as a stage prop, after thinking it was “cool” that it had been cursed. As the radio was part of him, it allowed him to take on his physical demon form on Earth once he reunited with it. Annoyed in shadow form, Alastor emerges from the radio and proceeds to kill everyone at the show. The radio gets smashed by falling debris before Alastor can reach it, breaking his darken heart. He flees the gory scene and the survivors wake up, not remembering what had happened (due to the radio being destroyed). (off screen, he uses his blood to create his human body disguise).

 Scene shifts to Annie. Annie first lives in an orphanage run by the cruel Miss Hannigan, who forces them to clean the building all day. Annie hopes that her parents will return for her, and she keeps half of a locket as her treasured possession, to remind her of them. Annie adopts a stray dog named Sandy, but gets taken back to the orphanage by police.

 Annie travels to Warbuck's mansion where she meets the many servants and bodyguards. Warbucks lets her stay and takes her to the Radio City Music Hall to watch a movie.

 Warbucks appears on the radio show, offering money to help find Annie's parents. Annie and the girls get excited and dance to "You're Never Fully Dressed."

 But then, something goes terribly wrong. The radio starts glitching and through the static, a demonic voice can be heard. Dad jokes, electro swing, and broadcasts of murders start appearing on all the radios. A mysterious brown-haired mixed radio host arrives, claims to be desperate for money and food.

  (Alastor actually died the same year and, with the help of imps, traveled to Earth through radios in a disguise in an attempt to get back to New Orleans).

 Hannigan, her brother and his girlfriend search through Annie's belongings and plan to use the locket to pose as her parents. But Alastor's shadow steals it away from them!

 The more Annie spends time with Alastor, the more suspicious Grace and some of Annie's fellow orphans get.  Sandy, the dog, growled and sensed evil in Alastor from the beginning, but Annie told Sandy not to be mean to “our new guest.” Like Charlie in Hazbin Hotel, Annie dances and sings with the disguised demon, getting more influenced when the radio is on. (no romantic love). Alastor's demon reflection is revealed in mirrors. Kate notices it and warns Annie that a "monster lives inside him," though Annie doesn't believe it.

 Not having to worry as much about environmental threats and survival, Alastor begins another killing rampage, hunting deer and selfish adults while broadcasting again. He carves sigils onto their flesh, ensuring they become his slaves/prey back in Hell. The radios around him additionally served as hiding places for him after murders.

 Meanwhile, the newspaper gets a new heading "Random Serial Killer on the Loose." Another headline reads "Similar Kill Count to the now deceased New Orleans Deer Devil Cannibal," triggers back memories, making Alastor go insane. After debating on several terms such as the "Bayou Killer," "Devil of New York," among others, the public comes up with "Brusier of Broadway."

 Alastor broadcasts murders, dad jokes, and news, influencing others to tune in and listen. All the orphans are influenced by it…Alastor gaining more power. Sandy barks loudly, briefly snapping them out of their trance. Hannigan was follows Sandy into the room, threatening to butcher him. Hannigan, in a drunken haze does something redeemable for the first time: she yells “Stop having fun, get to work, and turn that thing off!” The static and noise was giving her a headache, the pain overriding the trance powers. Despite the girls trying to stop her, Hannigan smashes the device against the floor, the girls shaking their heads. “Whose drunk now?” she retorts.

 The other girls later tell Warbucks and Grace that Annie had been kidnapped by Rooster and Lily. The police begin a search. Rooster attempts to kill Annie and he knocks his sister away. Before Rooster can reach her, he is brutally stabbed by Alastor. Alastor reveals his plan to possess Annie and several others in both Hell and on Earth to create a diverse army to take down racist individuals, providing him with food and entertainment. (He only harms adults). His human disguise falls away and Annie watches in horror as he begins to eat Rooster and Lily. Punjab rescues her and destroys the radio before Alastor possessed her and she reunites her with Grace and Warbucks.

  Alastor would get distracted and a bit scared of Sandy the dog (as he had died due to rabies, being shot in the head and getting attacked by dogs).

A local church and police forces arrive and team up to defeat Alastor. He gets shot several times with guns and reels back when several silver crosses are held up. Not too far away, the imp portals begin to close and weaken...dragging him back to Hell (similar to how Dr. Facillier did but was more accepting of his fate and smiled the whole time). Annie lives with Grace and Warbucks and her friends arrive for the party. "Brusier of Broadway Vanquished in Less Than a Week."

 Annie didn't listen to the radio for several years afterwards. The scene ends with Alastor singing "You're Never Fully Dressed" on a radio in Hell, the old locket next to it, then saying "stay tuned, folks."

Transcript

Annie Script

Scene 1

Molly: Annie. Annie I can't sleep.

Pepper: Shut up! How am I supposed to get any sleep around here?

Sally: She cries all the time.

Duffy: And she wets the bed.

Molly: I do not!

Pepper: What are you doing in our dorm? You should be in the baby room.

Annie: She's ok you guys. You can stay here with me Molly.

Molly: I couldn't sleep Annie.

Annie: When I can't sleep. I think of my folks

Molly: (looking at Annie's locket) You're the only one who has folks here. Mine are dead.

Annie: I think of what they're like and how someday soon they're going to come and get me.

 (Song: Maybe)

Maybe far away, Or maybe real nearby. He may be pouring her coffee, She may be straightening his tie. Maybe in a house All hidden by a hill. She's sitting playing piano, He's sitting paying a bill. Betcha they're young Betcha they're smart Bet they collect things Like ashtrays and art. Betcha they're good - Why shouldn't they be? Their one mistake was giving up me. So, maybe now it's time And maybe when I wake, They'll be there calling me "Baby". Maybe. Betcha he reads Betcha she sews Maybe she's made me A closet of clothes. Maybe they're strict As straight as a line - Don't really care As long as they're mine. So, maybe now this prayer's The last one of it's kind; Won't you please come get your "Baby"? Maybe.

 Scene 2

Miss Hanagen enters

Miss H: Did I hear singing? Who's happy? Well?

Orphans: We love you Miss Hanagen.

Miss H: Sure. Well if you're so wide awake you can get up. Get outta bed and clean up this place. This room had better be regulation before breakfast my little pig dropping or kill kill kill!

Annie: But it's the middle of the night.

Miss H: (imitating Annie) But it's the middle of the night. And if this room don't shine like the top of the Chrysler building your backside will understand?

Orphans: Yes Miss Hanagen.

Miss H: What do you say Annie?

Annie: I love you Miss Hanagen.

Miss H: Why anybody would wanna be an orphan is beyond me.

Molly kicks Miss Hanagen's foot.

 (Song: ­It’s a Hard Knock Life.)

Annie It's the Hard-Knock Life for us! Orphans It's the Hard-Knock Life for us! 'Stead of treated - we get tricked! 'Stead of kisses - we get kicked! It's the Hard-Knock Life! Got no folks to speak of, so! It's the hard-knock row we hoe! Cotton blankets - 'stead of wool! Empty bellies - 'stead of full! It's the Hard-Knock Life! Annie Don't it feel like the wind is always howlin'? Kate and Tessie Don't it seem like there's never any light? Molly Once a day don't you want to throw the towel in? Orphans It's easier than puttin' up a fight! July No one's there when your dreams at night get creepy. Duffy No one cares if you grow, or if you shrink. Pepper No one dries when your eyes get wet and weepy. Orphans From the cryin' you would think this place would sink! O-o-o-o-oh...! Empty belly life! Rotten smelly life! Full of sorrow life! No tomorrow life! Molly Santa Claus we never see. Annie Santa Claus - what's that? Who's he? Orphans No one cares for you a smidge, When you're in an orphanage! It's the Hard-Knock Life! Molly (Imitates Mrs. Hannigan): "You'll stay up, till this dump shines Like the top of the Chrysler Building! Kill, kill!" Orphans (Molly) Yank the whiskers from her chin! ("Little Pig Droppings!") Jab her with a safety-pin! ("Rotten orphans!") Make her drink a Mickey Finn! ("Nobody loves you!") I love you, Mrs. Hannigan! Molly "Get to work!" "Scrape those beds!" "Scrub that floor!" "Polish my shoes!" "And I mean... start... NOW!" Orphans (Molly) It's the Hard-Knock Life for us! ("Mud in your eye!") It's the Hard-Knock Life for us! ("Egg in your bear!") No one cares for you a smidge, ("Hair on your chest!") When you're in an orphanage! Orphans It's the Hard-Knock Life! It's the Hard-Knock Life! It's the Hard-Knock Life! The... Hard-Knock... LIFE!

  Scene 3

(Annie jumps in the washing basket)

Annie: Cover me up good.

Duffy: All you ever do is run away.

Sally: Oh my goodness, oh my goodness.

Pepper: You're gonna get us into trouble.

Nell: I'm gonna tell.

(Miss H entering)

Miss H: What are you all standing around for? There's the kitchen and the bathroom to clean before lunch and if you skip the corners there will be no lunch. And we're not having hot mush today.

Orphans: Yay!

Miss H: we're having cold mush.

Orphans: OOOOOOOOhhhhhhhhhh!

Miss H: What?

Orphans: We love you Miss Hanagen.

Miss H: Where's Annie?

Molly: She had to go bathroom.

Miss H: (imitating Molly) She had to go bathroom.

(Mr. Bundles enters. Miss Hanagan tries to look pretty.)

Mr. B: It's heavy today.

Miss H: It shouldn't be.

(Orphans try to warn Mr. Bundles not to give them away)

Mr. Bundles: You sure look pretty today, Miss Hanagan.

Miss H: Oh Mr. Bundles thank you. I will be right here when you get back.

Orphans: Oooooooohhhhhhhhhh!

  Scene 4

Annie gets out of the basket and happily walks along loving her freedom when she sees a group of naughty children chasing a dog with tin cans tied to its tail. She runs after them.

Annie: Beat it kids what did he ever do to you? She punches one and they all leave.

Annie: You're ok now you dumb dog.

 (Song: Dumb dog)

Dumb dog, Why are you following me? I ain't got a crumb dog, How about lettin' me be? I ain't gon-na feed you, Ain't got a scrap for you. Need you? Don't give a crap for you. Dumb dog dumb-er than they come dog. You're the most presumin' dog That a human could know.

 (Dog catcher drives down the street and tries to take the dog.)

Annie: Hey, Mister, that's my dog!

Dog Catcher: Oh yeah? Where's his collar, his lead, his registration?

Annie: I left them home by mistake. Please don't take him to the pound. My father's blind and this dog leads him to work. If he can't get to work we'll all starve sir.

Dog catcher: What's his name?

Annie: My father's name?

Dog Catcher: The dog's name.

Annie: Oh the dog’s name? Well…his name is ...Sandy. Right Sandy.

Dog Catcher: Call him.

Annie: Call him.

Dog Catcher: That's right go over there and call him.

(Annie moves a few meters)

Annie: Sandy!

(Dog doesn't move)

Annie: Come on boy, Sandy, Sandy, Sandy!

(Dog comes)

Annie: Good boy!

Dog Catcher: You got yourself a dog kid. Go home and get his leash.

Annie: I will sir.

(Police man takes her by the ear back to orphanage)

Miss H: (gruff voice) Annie!

Police: Look who I found.

Miss H: (softer for policeman’s benefit) Oh Annie I was so worried.

Policeman: I knew you would be ­a big hearted woman like you

Miss H: How can I ever repay you?

Pepper: Kissy, Kissy, kissy.

Miss H: Kill, kill, kill.

    Scene 5

(Orphans are very excited to meet Sandy)

Orphans: Ooooohhhhhh!

Molly: What's his name, Annie?

Annie: Guess.

Molly: Fiffi?

Pepper: This mutt’s no Fiffi.

(Song:­ Sandy)

Fifi, That ain't a name for this mutt. So how about Champion? Champion you're anything but. We could call him Tiger, But there's no bite in him, Tiger! Kittens would frighten him. Rover! When you think it over, Rover is the perfect name for this dumb look-in' dog. Sandy, Sandy's his name if you please. If you don't be-lieve me ask anyone of the fleas Residing on Sandy, True he ain't pedigreed, Sandy, there ain't no better breed. And he really comes in handy, 'Specially when you're all alone in the night And you're small and terribly frightened it's Sandy, Sandy who'll always be there!

  Duffy: She's coming. Quick!

(They try to hide Sandy under laundry)

(Miss H approaching Annie)

Annie: I love you Miss Hanagen.

Miss H: And you will love the paddle closet Annie. And this (Grabbing Sandy) Will love the sausage factory.

Orphans: Oooooohhhh!

Miss H: What?

Orphans: We love you Miss Hanagen.

Miss H: Shut up!

  Scene 6

Grace: Miss Hanagen, I'm Grace Farrell. The New York Board of Orphans sent me. Miss H: Well My goodness, won’t you come in. Welcome to our happy home. She pretends to be nice to orphans .

Miss H: What did you say your name was?

Grace: Grace.

Miss H: Aptly named.

G: I'm here to inquire about an orphan.

H: Look Grace I can explain the whole thing. You see...what happened...she escaped in the laundry and I know I should have called Mr. Donatelly but I saw red so I called the cops instead. Anyway she's back and she's fine. No harm done huh?

G: Miss Hanagen, whatever are you talking about?

H: Wait a minute, honey are you peddling beauty products? Coz clearly I don't need no beauty products G: I'm the private secretary of Mr. Oliver Warbucks

H: Oliver Warbucks the millionaire?

G: Oliver Warbucks the billionaire.

H: My Lord!

G: Mr. Warbucks would like to invite an orphan to spend a week with him.

H: Isn't that nice. What sort of orphan did he have in mind?

(Annie sticks her head in through the door)

G: Well, friendly, intelligent…

(Annie: (whispering) Spells out M­I­S­S­I­S­S­I­P­P­I)

G: And happy.

(Annie laughs out loud. Miss H, slams door.)

H: How old?

G:Age doesn't really matter..7

(Annie raises her hand until right age guessed)

H:7

G: 8

H:8

G:9

H: 9

G: 10

(Annie makes stop gesture)

G: 10 is perfect. Oh I almost forgot. Mr. Warbucks prefers red headed children.

H: 10 year old red head, No, sorry. Ain’t got it!

G: What about this child?

H: Annie? You don't want Annie.

G: Why not?

H: She's a drunk!

G: Fiddle sticks! Annie, how would you like to spend a week with Mr. Warbucks in his house?

Annie: Oh boy, I would love that!

H: Slow down, hold on. You can have any child you want in the whole orphanage except Annie.

G: Why?

H: Because she's got it coming to her and I don't mean a week in the lap of luxury. This brat's got to learn her place!

G: Her place!

H: And Annie's entirely too cheeky.

G: Well Mr. Warbucks loves cheeky orphans.

H: Tough.

G: I assume your objection is something to do with Mr. Donatelly and the board of New York Orphans?

H: Don't assume nothin sweetheart.

G: Well Mr. Warbucks and Mr. Donatelly are like that.

H: Is that a fact?

G: Yes and he was at the house just the other day and he was saying how many people he had lined up for your job.

H: Is that a fact?

G: Yes that's a fact. It's an awful time to be out of work isn't it Miss Hanagen?

H: It's terrible.

A: Leapin Lizards!

Miss H (imitating Annie) Leaping Lizards.

Annie: Come on Sandy. This is my dog. He's real nice and he almost never jumps up on people.

(Sandy jumps up on Grace)

G: He's a really sweet dog Annie but I'm not sure Mr. Warbucks would approve.

Annie: Then I can't go.

G: What?

Annie: She said she would take him to the sausage factory.

H: I'm not a sucker for dogs.

G: We'll take the dog!

Annie: Oh boy!

 Scene 7

��(Annie is awestruck(

Grace: I have an announcement to make everyone. This is Annie and she'll be staying with us for a week and this is her dog Sandy.

Annie: And he'll be staying with me.

Servant: May I take your sweater?

Annie: Will I get it back?

Servant: Of course dear.

Grace: Now Annie, what would you like to do first?

Annie (looking around): The windows, then the floors. That way if I drip...

Grace: No Annie, you don't understand. You won’t have to do any cleaning while you're with us.

Annie: I won’t? How am I gonna earn my keep?

Grace: You're our guest Annie.

(Song: I think I'm gonna like it here)

Grace: Cecile will pick out all your clothes Cecile: spoken: Blue is your best color, no red I think. Grace: Your bath is drawn by Mrs. Greer. Mrs. Greer: spoken: Salts?...No, bubbles, I think. Grace: Annette comes in to make your bed. Annette: spoken: The silk? No the satin sheets, I think. Annie: I think I'm gonna like it here! Grace: The swimming pool is to the left Annie: spoken: Inside the house? Oh boy! Grace: The tennis court is in the rear Annie: spoken: I never even picked up a racket. Grace: Have an instructor here at noon spoken: Oh, and get that Don Budge fellow if he's available. Annie: I think I'm gonna like it here. Grace: When you wake ring for Drake Drake will bring your tray When you're through Mrs.Pugh Comes and takes it away. Grace and servants: No need to pick up any toys Annie: spoken: That's okay, I haven't got any anyway. Grace: No finger will you lift my dear ALL: We have but one request Please put us to the test Annie: I know I'm gonna like it here Used to room in a tomb Where I'd sit and freeze Get me now, holy cow Could someone pinch me please! Grace: spoken: She didn't mean it. (Singing) We've never had a little girl ALL: We've never had a little girl Grace and servants: We hope you understand Your wish is our command (Said together) Annie: I know I'm gonna like it here Servants and Grace: We know you're gonna like it here ALL Welcome

  Scene 8a

(Mr. Warbucks marches in)

Mr. W: Has the painting arrived?

G: Yes sir.

(Painting is held up for him. It's the Mona Lisa)

W: I don't like it. Send it back. Any messages?

G: Yes. President Roosevelt called 3 times. He said it was urgent.

W: Everything is urgent to a Democrat. What else?...Wait! There's something interesting about that woman's smile. I might learn to like her. Hang that in my bathroom.

G: Mr. Warbucks I'd like you to meet...

W: Why do I smell wet dog?

(Annie comes out from hiding with Sandy )

Annie: Because we gave Sandy a bath.

W: What's this?

G: This is Annie, sir. This is the orphan who will be staying with us for a week

W: Orphan. What are you talking about?

G: Sir, it’s a press story for the papers remember? It's only for a week.

W: This doesn't look like a boy. Orphans are boys

G: Oh you didn't say you wanted a boy sir. You just said an orphan so I got a girl.

W: I want a boy.

Annie: I've got an interesting smile too sir. Don't you think you could like me too sir? Hang me in the bathroom?

W: Take them back now!

G: Oh Sir but she only just got here.

Annie: That's ok. We'll be ok. It was real nice meeting you anyhow. I sure do like your place.

W: Thank you Annette.

Annie: Annie. I've had a really swell time. The driver came in a car the size of a train Mr. Warbucks and we made Drake sneeze and I played your pipe organ and Sandy got a bubble bath. And well I've had enough fun to last me for years. It’s really a swell idea to have an orphan stay for a week Mr. Warbucks. Even if it’s only for your image. Even if I'm not the orphan I'm glad you're doing it.

W: I'm glad you approve. Let's get to work.

G: Are you sure you need a boy? Couldn’t she stay? It’s only for a week.

W: Whatever but just for the week.

 Scene 8b

(Miss Hanagen is listening to the radio)

Male voice: I Love you.

H: I love you too.

Male voice: Kiss me as only you can.

H: Oh you devil!

(She kisses the radio. Orphans see and laugh)

H: Get away!

(Song: Little Girls)

Little girls Little girls Everywhere I turn I can see them Little Girls Little Girls Night and day I eat, sleep and breathe them I'm an ordinary woman With feelings I'd like a man to nibble on my ear But I'll admit, no man has bit So, how come I'm the mother of the year? How I hate Little shoes Little socks And each little bloomer I'd have cracked Years ago If it weren't for my Sense of humour Some woman are drippin' with diamonds Some woman are drippin' with pearls Lucky me! Lucky me! Look at what I'm drippin' with Little girls! Little cheeks Little teeth Everything around me is little If I wring Little necks Surely I will get an acquittal Some day I'll step on their freckles Some night I'll straighten their curls Send the flood Send the flu Anything that You can do To, little (little, little), little (little, little) Little girls Some day I'll land in the nuthouse With all the nut and the squirrels (giggle) There I'll stay Tucked Away Until the prohibition of Little girls

  Scene 9

(Rooster and Lilly appear)

H: Rooster.

R: Sis.

H: You're supposed to be in jail.

R: They let me out early.

Lilly: On account of his good behavior.

R: I want you to meet a friend of mine. Lilly St Regent.

L: Named after the motel.

H: Room Service.

R: This very afternoon I got my nose on this beautiful horse 8 to 1. All I need is 5 bucks to tide me over.

H: Not even a nickel for the subway.

R: Oh come on sis.

H: I bet you miss stick fingers here can lend you a lousy 5 bucks.

L: I beg your pardon. I'm short but I don't stoop to what you're incinerating.

H: Give me back the goods toots.

(Jewelry is pulled from Lilly's pickets and top.)

H: Ok Rooster if I loan you 5 bucks will you take this dumb hotel and just get the heck outta here?

R: I'm sorry sis. Not even a nickel for the subway.

L: You and her have the same mother? (

she takes something on the way out) Hanagen checks her bag when they leave and her purse is gone.)

H: (Screaming) Rooster!!!!

  Scene 10

 (Warbucks is practicing squash and Annie runs back and forth for fun)

A: Thanks so much for having me to stay. Mr. Warbucks. I’ve had the greatest time and Miss Farrell has been just so kind and all the staff. You know she really thinks you're sliced bread but you don't notice.

W: Sliced bread huh?

A: I've had enough fun to last a life time that it won’t even matter when I go back to that stinking orphanage.

W: How do you remain so positive?

A: I sing a little song and everything seems better.

(Song: Tomorrow)

Annie The sun'll come out tomorrow... Bet your bottom dollar that Tomorrow, there'll be sun! Just thinkin' about tomorrow Clears away the cobwebs and the sorrow 'Til there's none! When I'm stuck with a day That's gray, And lonely, I just stick out my chin And grin and say... Oh... The sun'll come out tomorrow So you gotta hang on 'til tomorrow Come what may! Tomorrow! Tomorrow! I love ya, tomorrow! You're only a day away! To-morrow! Tomorrow! I love ya, tomorrow! You're only a day... A-...wa-a-a-ay!

 Grace: (spoken) C'mon, Annie, let's go to the movies! Annie: (spoken) Let's go see the stars! Grace: Cowboy heroes, Cops and robbers, Glamour and strife, Bigger than life! Sitting in the darkness, What a world to see! Let's go to the movies, Annie, wait and see. Betty Davis is probably lying, And Greta Garbo is probably crying, While Robert Taylor Is locked in her dying embrace. Chico and Groucho And Chaplin and Lloyd Are all super. Sweet Mickey Mouse, Shirley Temple, And dear Jackie Cooper. Annie: Let's go to the movies... Annie and Grace: Let's go see the stars! Grace: Fred and Ginger Spinning madly... Songs and romance. Life is the dance. Sitting in the darkness, Popcorn on your knee! Give the maid the night off! Warbucks: (spoken) Turn the kitchen light off! Grace and Warbucks: Let's go to the movies, Annie, you and me! Ushers: Welcome to the movies! Welcome to the stars! Welcome to this Grand illusion. All of it's yours Right through these doors! Every plot's a dilly, This we guarantee! Welcome to the movies Wait and see. Female Chorus: Let's go to the movies (See the movies) Let's go see the stars. Red lights holler Big Depression What do we care? Movies are there! Only happy endings (Boy gets girl, yes) That's our recipe! Welcome to a lovely M-O-V-I-E! Male Chorus: Let's go to the movies (We love to go, to RKO, Columbia, Universal) Let's go see the stars (Jack Warner and, Sam Goldwyn and, MGM and Paramount) Both: Dreams of glory, Cast of thousands, Bigger than life, Bigger than life! Only happy endings, That's our recipe! So, welcome to the movies Wait... And... See!

Scene 11

(Warbucks and Grace having breakfast. Warbucks reading the paper not paying much attention to Grace)

W: I'll have to close the factory in Pittsburgh. Miss Farrell.

G: About Annie…

W: What about Annie?

G: Couldn't we keep her? You haven't seen that horrible orphanage. I can't bear to send her back there. I can't.

W: Get a hold of yourself! What's come over you?

G: She wouldn't be a bother. I'd take care of her. You have plenty of room here. The staff adores her. We could take her on, well as your ward couldn't we?

W: Absolutely not! I'm a business man. I love money, I love power, I love capitalism. I now and never will love children!

G: Watching you with her last night. I though well maybe...

W: Grace…

G: Yes?

W: I've just noticed something.

G: Yes.

W: You're awfully pretty when you argue with me.

G: Thank you sir but…

W: Oliver…

G: Oliver...Do you really just love money and power and capitalism? You know they're never going to love you back.

W: You're teeth are crooked.

G: I'll have them fixed.

W: I like them crooked.

G: I'll leave them.

W: Thank you.

G: I could have the papers signed this morning.

W: It means a great deal to you doesn't it?

G: Yes. It means a great deal to me.

W: I’ll do it myself.

G: I could just kiss you.

W: Grace!

G: Yes?

W: Get her a gift.

G: That's a great idea.

W: Something from Tiffany's. A new locket.

G: Oh and you be careful when you go to that orphanage. That woman has claws and fangs.

(Warbucks laughs)

 (Song: We got Annie)

Grace: We got Annie. Gardener: We've got Annie? Grace: Yeah! She's like the shine on your shoes, Or hearing a blues that's great. Makes you relax, Like a big tax rebate! We got Annie! Servants: We got Annie! We got Annie? We got Annie! Mrs. Pugh: And Benny Goodman's got swing. Bing is a king, by far. Mutt has got Jeff, And Eleanor, F.D.R.! Grace: We got Annie! Asp: We got Annie! Punjab: We got Annie! Asp: We've got Annie! Grace: We got Annie! (Whispers) Annie.

Scene 12

W: Miss Hanagen, I presume?

H: Yes.

W: I want to talk to you about Annie.

H: You want to return her and forget it? Or trade up?

W: I want to adopt her.

H: would you excuse me for a moment (goes into room and screams) (Returns)

H: Won’t you come in? Welcome to our happy home.

(She pretends to be nice to the orphans Warbucks hands her papers)

H: You know something? For a Republican you are sinfully handsome.

W: Thank you.

H: Why I just go absolutely weak at the knees over men like you.

(Noticing his diamond button)

H: My God! Is that thing real?

W: Miss Hanagen, just sign the papers.

  (Song: Sign)

Warbucks Miss Hannigan! You need to sign a paper. Miss hannigan Mr. Warbucks, do you know something for a Republican you are sinfully handsome. Warbucks Thank you. Miss hannigan Why I just go absolutely weak in the knees over men like you. My GOD, is that thing real? Warbucks Just sign the papers. Miss hannigan Don't you wanna see the bedroom, my little billiard ball? Warbucks Sign. Miss hannigan I make a very dry martini. Warbucks Right here. Miss hannigan I make a very wet souffle. Warbucks Just your name. Miss hannigan Don't be so mean, you mean ole meanie. Warbucks Come, my dear. Miss hannigan Let's you and me make, why shouldn't we make haste? Warbucks I have an appointment at 1. Miss hannigan This way... You ever been to Bonus Ires? Warbucks Where? Miss hannigan A hunger for the Argentyne? Warbucks ArgenTINE. Miss hannigan Let's me and you fill up our diaries Warbucks What? Stop! Miss hannigan Buy me a ruby Warbucks No! Miss hannigan Why shouldn't you be mine? Warbucks Come Miss hannigan I've got your numbah Warbucks Close Miss hannigan Ya like to rhumba Warbucks Madam, while Miss hannigan I'll call you Ollie Warbucks We Miss hannigan My hot tamale Warbucks Pry through this Miss hannigan And now I've gotcha Warbucks File Miss hannigan My cucaracha Warbucks From my pri- Miss hannigan Oh! Warbucks -Vate Miss hannigan Ooh! Warbucks Eye. Miss hannigan Ay ya ya! Warbucks You spend your evenings in the shanties, Miss hannigan You had me followed? Warbucks Imbibing quarts of bathtub gin. Miss hannigan Bronchitis. Warbucks And here you're dancing in your scanties. Miss hannigan Great gams. Warbucks With some old geezer called Little Caesar. Miss hannigan He's an uncle! Warbucks You lock the orphans in the closet. Miss hannigan They love it! Warbucks You hock their Christmas souvenirs. Miss hannigan Drink? Warbucks You steal the funds you should deposit Miss hannigan It's fresh... Warbucks You make them grovel, while you buy lavaliers. You'll Miss hannigan Must you upset me Warbucks Sit Miss hannigan Why don't you pet me? Warbucks Out this Miss hannigan It's you I crave now Warbucks Century Miss hannigan Let's misbehave now Warbucks In some Miss hannigan You wanna smoochie Warbucks Deep dark Miss hannigan My little poochie? Warbucks Penitentiary Miss hannigan Jail!? Warbucks Sign. Miss hannigan I guess I'll never know the feeling Warbucks You'll rot in jail Miss hannigan Of running fingers through your hair. Warbucks In Sing-Sing. Miss hannigan I guess this means no Buenos Aires. Warbucks Will you sign?! Miss hannigan Well I don't need ya! Warbucks That's fine. Miss hannigan So just forget me! Warbucks The dotted line Miss hannigan Forget my sweetness! Warbucks Don't whine! Miss hannigan Forget you met me! Warbucks You can't decline! Miss hannigan This day is sorta Warbucks Just sign! Miss hannigan Like Britain Waterloo. Warbucks Sign! Miss hannigan Why didn't you say so in the first place. Swine!

Scene 13

W: Annie I want to talk to you about something serious

A: You don't want me anymore right?

W: On the contrary I do. Good lord. Annie can we have a man to woman talk?

A: Sure.

W: What I'm proposing would involve a long term...well agreement. Actually maybe you want to know more about me before you make up your mind

A: Ok

W: Let's go for a walk.

A: Ok.

W: I was born in Liverpool in a rail road switch house. My younger brother died of Pneumonia because we didn't have money for medicine. Well I decided then and there that one day I would be rich. Very, very rich.

A: Good idea. (Warbucks is pacing up and down and Annie is copying him)

W: In those days America was the land of opportunity. I worked on a ship as cabin boy when I was 12. By the time I was 21 I made my first million and in the next 10 years I turned that into 100 millionaire.

A: Wow.

W: That was a lot of money in those days. I was ruthless, hurt a lot of people. Making money was all I ever gave a damn about until now. It occurred to me no matter how many houses I have, how many Rembrandt unless I have someone to share them with I might as well be broke and still living in Liverpool. Annie do you understand what I'm trying to say?

A: Sure...kinda...not really.

W: Damn.

(Hands her the present of a locket)

A: You've given me so much already Mr. Warbucks.

W: I signed the papers today. It's official.

A: What is? It's so pretty but...

W: Let me put it on you.

A: It’s a really swell locket Mr. Warbucks, but if it's all the same to you I’ll keep my old one.

W: It isn't all the same to me. Your old one's broken. This one's engraved. You didn't even look at it. “To Annie with love from Daddy Warbucks.”

A: Mr. Warbucks, when my folks left me at the orphanage 10 years ago they left a note saying they’d come back for me as soon as they could and they kept the other half of this locket so I'd know it was them when they came. I'm gonna find them someday, Mr. Warbucks. I'm gonna have a regular mother and father like a regular kid. I am! I don’t mean to hurt your feelings. You've been nicer to me than anyone in the whole wide world but I've been dreaming of my folks for as long as I can remember. And I just gotta find them.

W: Then I'll help you. Grace, get me J Edgar on the phone right now. Grace, get me the chief of police. Drake, get me Walter Winthrop. Ponjab, get me William Randolph Hurst and San Jay, get me a drink!

 Scene 14

(Orphans are listening to the radio)

W: This is Oliver Warbucks and I'm offering a $50, 000 reward to find orphan Annie's parents. 987 5th Avenue New York City. Drop Page. Johnson's minty fresh toothpaste will have you smiling from ear to ear with minty goodness all day. Did I just read a commercial?

(Song: You're never fully dressed without a smile)

Healy: (spoken) This is Bert Healy saying... Hey, hobo man Hey, Dapper Dan You've both got your style But Brother, You're never fully dressed Without a smile! Your clothes may be Beau Brummelly They stand out a mile -- But Brother, You're never fully dressed Without a smile! Who cares what they're wearing On Main Street, Or Saville Row, It's what you wear from ear to ear And not from head to toe (That matters) So, Senator, So, Janitor, So long for a while Remember, You're never fully dressed Without a smile! Boylan Sisters: Ready or not, here he goes Listen to Bert Tap his smilin' toes Healy: (spoken) Ah, the lovely Boylan Sisters Boylan Sisters: Doo doodle-ooh doo Doo doodle-ooh doo Doo doo doo doo Doo doo doo doo Your clothes may be Beau Brummelly They stand out a mile But, brother You're never fully dressed You're never dressed Without an Connie Boylan: S- Bonnie Boylan: M- Ronnie Boylan: I- Connie Boylan: L- Boylan Sisters: E. Smile darn ya. Healy: (spoken) Yes, this your old softie, Mrs. Healy's Boy Bert, saying until next time, bon soir, buenos noches, guten Nacht, bueno sera, and gosh, I almost forgot, goodnight. All: That matters.

 Tessie spoken: So, for all of the "Hours of Smiles" Family, this is Bert Healy saying... (Singing) Hey hobo man, Hey Dapper Dan, You've both got your style All orphans But brother, you're never fully dressed Without a smile Your clothes may be Beau Brummelly They stand out a mile But brother you're never fully dressed Without a smile JULY Who cares what they're wearing on Main Street Or Saville Row It's what you wear from ear to ear And not from head to toe. KATE That matters All orphans So, Senator, so, janitor So long for a while Remember you're never fully dressed Though you may wear the best You're never fully dressed without a Smile Smile Smile! Smile darn ya, smile.

 Hanigan: Do I hear happiness?

(Molly steps on her foot)

H: They never miss.

  Scene 15

(Hundreds of couples are crowded outside the Warbucks’ mansion)

Couples  Oh Annie darling yoo hoo!

Grace: It’s amazing how many dishonest people there are in New York.

(Annie walking in)

A: Have you found my parents yet?

Grace: No Annie. I'm sorry.

A: I guess they're dead. I think deep down I've always known that. I guess I just wanted to believe that I wasn't just any old orphan. I wanted to believe that I was special.

W: You are special. Don’t you forget that!

 Scene 16

(Rooster and Lily on the doorstep of orphanage. Rings doorbell)

H: Yeah.

R: Are you the lady who runs this establishment?

H: Unfortunately.

L: 10 years ago we left our little baby girl on the front step.

R: We were starving. There was a job managing a motel but only if we had no children.

H: Rap it up, I'm listening to the radio.

L: We never meant to leave our little Annie.

H: Annie?

R: Now we have a hardware store in New Jersey we can take care of her.

L: We've always loved her.

H: You're Annie's parents?

L: Our house isn't fancy but it's home. We live over the store.

R: There's a yard out back.

L: We have chickens.

R: And a rooster.

(They take off disguises)

H: Rooster! My God I would never have recognized you. Come on.

(Looking around to make sure no one is watching)

R: If we can fool you, we can fool Mr. Money Bags.

L: 50,000 smakos.

H: You'll be the death of me, Rooster.

R: Come on sis.

H: What's in it for me?

R: A split of the money. A 3 way split

H: I want half.

L: Half!

H: Half!

R: Alright 25 for you and 25 for me and Lilly.

L: Rooster! Wait and see what she's got first to see if it’s worth 25,000.

H: What do you want?

L: We need specifics on Annie. Details.

H: You want details I'll give you details! I've got specifics on every kid in this dump. It’s just a question of finding the right box.

(Looking through boxes.)

H: Annie wears a locket round her neck. She says her parents have the other half to one day come and claim her with. Years ago her parents were killed in a fire and the cops brought me all their junk. Well baby brother if Annie's parents can claim her with that locket so can we!

(Orphans overhearing)

L: 50,000 big ones!

R: And the kid, we'll drop in the river.

Molly: They're gonna do something bad to Annie! Pepper!

Pepper: (reading magazine) HAVE YOU CLEANED THE CAN?

MOLLY: LISTEN TO ME! I MEAN IT!

Molly: Listen you guys, we gotta do something.

Pepper: You want a knuckle sandwich?

Molly: We gotta warn Annie!

Pepper: Scrub!

H: It's in a sealed envelope. (to Lilly about boxes) Make yourself useful.

(They find the locket)

(Song: Easy Street)

Rooster: I remember the way Our sainted mother Would sit and croon us Her lullaby Miss Hannigan: She'd say, kids, there's a place That's like no other You got to get there before you die Rooster: You don't get there By playing from the rule book Hannigan: You stack the aces Rooster: You load the dice Hannigan and Rooster: Mother dear Oh, we know you're down there listening, How can we follow Your sweet Advice to... Rooster: Easy street Easy street Where you sleep till noon Hannigan: Yeah, yeah, yeah Rooster and Hannigan: She'd repeat Easy street Better get there soon. Rooster, Hannigan, and Lily: Easy street Easy street Where the rich folks play Yeah, yeah, yeah Move them feet Hannigan: Move them ever-lovin' feet Rooster, Hannigan, and Lily: To easy street Hannigan: Easy street Rooster, Hannigan, and Lily: When you get there stay Rooster: It ain't fair How we scrounge For three of four bucks While she gets Warbucks Hannigan: The little brat! It ain't fair this here life Is drivin' me nuts! While we get peanuts She's livin' fat! Rooster: Maybe she holds the key That little lady Hannigan: To gettin' more bucks Rooster: Instead of less Maybe we fix the game With something shady Lily: Where does that put us? Hannigan: Oh, tell her. Rooster: If you want: yes! Rooster, Hannigan, and Lily: Yes! Easy street Easy street Annie is the key Yes sirree Yes sirree Yes sirree Easy street Easy street That's where we're gonna... be!

 (Orphans running to find Annie at Warbucks’ mansion

Duffy: Oh my goodness, we're never gonna get there!

Pepper: Wait. Look there's 5th Avenue!

Molly: We're at number 1, we gotta find 987.

Nell: Ooooh my feet are killing me!

Molly: We gotta keep going!

  Scene 17

(Rooster and Lilly disguised as Annie's parents talking to Warbucks)

R: We were starving, we needed the job, that's why we left our baby girl.

L: We left her on the doorstep of the Hudson St Orphanage.

(Annie comes in)

L: Oh Annie! (rushes to hug her) Look Ralph, she still has the locket.

(She puts the other half of the locket on)

.L: We've finally found you

W: I suppose you heard about the reward?

R: Reward? What reward?

W: On the radio.

L: We don't have a radio.

Grace: How did you know Annie was here?

R: That kind lady at the orphanage told us.

L: I have the birth certificate right here (handing it over) I've kept it close to my heart all these years.

A: I'll go pack.

L: You want me to help you, baby?

A: NO thanks...Mum.

(Warbucks writes a check)

R: Sir we're just so thrilled to have Annie back. We don't need the money

L: (snatching check) We are poor. We could use it to buy food. A warm blanket for Annie.

W: Put it in your pocket, Mrs. Mudge.

(Annie packs with Grace)

A: Do you think the stores would take all these clothes back?

G: But don't you want to keep them?

A: My folks­, they're poor. All these clothes might make them feel bad. Could you maybe take them to the orphanage and give them to my friends?

G: Sure.

(Annie sings Maybe)  “Bet you my life is gonna be swell. Just looking at them it's easy to tell.

Warbucks seeing her leave sings “It will be fine”

Annie Betcha my life is gonna be swell. Looking at them it's easy to tell. And maybe I'll forget how nice he was to me, And how I was almost his baby... Warbucks It'll be fine, nothing to fear. She'll be as happy as she was here. Things have worked out much better than planned. It makes you smile to see fate take a hand. And I know I'll forget how much she meant to me And how she was almost my baby... Maybe...

Scene 18

(Outside the mansion Miss Hanagen pretends to be blind and gets into the car.)

H: You got it? (She grabs the check) I better hold onto it for safe keeping!

L: Give it back!

(Annie realizing the plot)

A: Mr. Warbucks help!

(They cover her mouth)

  Scene 19

(At the mansion Orphans rush in)

W: What's this?

Molly: Mr. Warbucks?

Pepper: I think he's a highness.

Molly: Your Highness, we're friends of Annie’s.

W: Annie’s gone. Her parents came to get her.

Duffy: But they weren't her real parents, Your Highness.

Molly: They was bad people.

Pepper: it's a swindle.

W: Leapin Lizards!

(Warbucks gets on the phone)

W: The orphan Annie has been kidnapped. I want all of your best men on it!

 Scene 20

(Annie in car)

A: Mr. I think you better pull over. I gotta go.

(No response)

A: When ya gotta go ya gotta go.

(They pull over)

H: Make it snappy.

(Annie kicks Miss Hanigan's foot and grabs the check and runs, ripping up the check)

L: Get her!

R: I'll kill her!

H: He's really gonna kill her. Rooster no! She's just a baby!

(Rooster grabs at Annie’s feet then he tries to strangle her but Hanigan knocks him out. The police arrest them.)

   Scene 21

(Annie is reunited with Grace and Mr. Warbucks)

(Song: Together at Last)

Warbucks and annie Together at last! Together for ever! We're tying a knot, They never can sever! Annie I don't need sunshine now, To turn my skies to blue -- Warbucks and annie I don't need anything but you! Warbucks You've wrapped me around That cute little finger. You've made life a song ... You've made me the singer! Annie And what's the bathtub tune You always "Bu-Bu-Boo?" Warbucks Bu-Bu-Bu Ba-Ba-Ba But you Annie Yesterday was plain awful Warbucks You can say that again Annie Yesterday was plain awful Warbucks But that's Annie Not now Warbucks and annie That's then Annie I'm poor as a mouse, Warbucks Ah ha! I'm richer than Midas. FDR Oliver, marvelous! Warbucks and annie But nothing on earth Could ever divide us! And if tomorrow, I'm an apple seller, too-- I don't need anything, anything, anthying I don't need anything... But you! Servants Annie Annie Annie Everything's humming now Annie Annie Annie Good times are coming now Since you came our way It's Christmas, Christmas everyday We dismiss Bad times, sad times Now they're all yesterday news Since Annie Kicked out The blues Annie Annie Annie Look what you've done for us Annie Annie Annie Turned on the sun for us Grace Have they sent the cheese? Drake Yes and ice camemberts and bries Grace Judge Brandeis ALL Annie Annie You filled our life with a song They're two of a kind The happiest pair now Like Fred and Adelle, they're floating On air now And what's the title of the dream Warbucks I don't need anything Annie Anything ALL Anything I don't need anything But you

End

[ruffoverthinksthings]

God Loves You, Which Is Why You’ll Burn In Hell (Part 3): “The Spawn of Heathens, False Gods, and Unbelievers” - Religion for the VKs

Note: This document clocked in at 2,862 words, written in two hours straight.

I officially have a problem, and its name is Disney Descendants Headcanon and Analyses.

By the time most of the VKs have been born, religion has been discredited in favour of worshipping Maleficent, abandoned entirely for the massive Hell that was the Great Isle War (a headcanon of mine, for clarity), or was isolated in Temple Way (the concentrated district of religious establishments, sans the church above Dragon Hall, also a headcanon of mine), with their followers generally incredibly zealous believers, to put it politely.

Most of them have not even been introduced to the idea of religion, or it was only given as explanation as to why people generally stay away from Temple Way, why you should try your damndest to do much the same (no matter how good the potential loot), and why you should try not to associate or talk with the people from there.

As with anything from the Isle, a culture of scary stories to get their children to behave have risen around Temple Way, and the Wild Fae (malevolent gargoyles, chupacabras, actual devils and the like) are not very amused by this.

Before you ask, Maleficent is ambivalent towards religion, happy to have the population do whatever keeps them distracted, complacent, and above all, from thinking of ever trying to overthrow her. She doesn’t even need to keep spies, as “those fools are happy to shout everything they’re planning to do to anyone within earshot.”

She is wary of them since she had harnessed the power of religious extremism and xenophobia during the War to her advantage, but with the aging congregations and her unquestioned, unchallenged rule, “Zealot Watch” is largely dedicated to lieutenants and underlings like Mozenrath.

As I also mentioned, the Badlands (the non-concrete, dirt and grass jungle of the Isle of the Lost) have their own religious beliefs and system, so won’t be included here.

Back on topic: almost all of the VKs are atheists by ignorance, or by choice. There are only a few exceptions to this, with individual/group explanations and how it affects their lives below:

As mentioned in the previous post, Claudine Frollo used to be the most devout of the VKs until CJ set fire to her father’s convent while she was still in it. Before Auradon, she has completely lost her faith in religion and sees it largely as a means of controlling people with promises punishment from some unseen “Higher Being,” and false senses of security that they would protect them, care for them, and reward their piety, both relying largely on them believing that such a Higher Being actually exists on faith alone.

Her current opinion on Hell is that she doesn’t mind going there, as “it can’t be that far from the Isle, and I got used to it anyway, didn’t I?”

Richard “Rick” Ratcliffe is her opposite, still as devout a Christian as ever, though he wasn’t a very good one in the first place. Most of his beliefs and his “divinely inspired” actions involve him having an incredibly overinflated sense of self-worth and confidence, being on a “holy high horse” every time he interacts with pretty much anyone, particularly when he makes one of his infamous speeches, and stealing and robbing from others like the rest of the VKs, except with the justification of him “claiming it for the Church.”

(Which he is. After he takes a cut, because doesn’t a good servant of God deserve to treat himself every once in a while?)

Privately, he still takes comfort in his faith, especially the entirety of Jesus Christ’s life in the New Testament. He sees an idol in the Christian Messiah, as he was a great orator that was constantly attacked, ostracized, and even condemned and killed before people truly realized how great he was.

(Though, he does sincerely hope he can avoid the “foregone death sentence, and being nailed to a cross” bit.)

Mal didn’t have much of an interest in religion, seeing as Maleficent’s demands and “training” of her took up most of her time, and the ultimate goal was that the two of them would supplant the current deities and objects of worship, be the ones the masses are bowing down to and in fear of.

However, for the sake of curiosity (and of course, exploring “truths” outside of everything Maleficent has fed her), she has studied the various religions, mostly through the reading of whatever surviving holy texts and handwritten copies exist on the Isle, with a few oral accounts here and there.

She was a fan of the Torah and Judaism, if only because of the Yahweh that burned down entire cities and turned those that disobeyed Him into pillars of salt (Sodom and Gomorrah, and Lot’s wife); brought massive, crippling, devastating plagues to the enemies of his followers (Moses and the Exodus from Egypt); and struck people dead where they stood if they did something as trivial as spill their semen on the ground (Onan).

She stopped being such a fan by the time she came to the Christian Bible, the New Testament, and Christianity, both because God had “gone soft,” and she wasn’t as big a fan of the idea of the Big Man Upstairs sending a Son to do all of His dirty work for Him, and the whole “Jesus getting humiliated, tortured, and ultimately crucified” being his Father’s will REALLY hit too close to home for her.

The real clincher was when she wasn’t sure if Maleficent would also go through the trouble of bringing her back to life after three days or so.

On a side note, she really liked the idea of having a close circle of twelve followers who obey you no matter what, but it soured when Judas turned on Jesus.

She stopped being such a fan of Allah by the time she was calling Him that as she studied the Quran and Islam (with Jay’s help for actually reading the texts, and why he attempted to convert—more on that in the next post), and saw all the conflicting orders and distinct cultures that had come up from who was ostensibly the same Supreme Deity.

She figured that if God/Allah/Yahweh couldn’t get His followers to agree on what exactly He said, and they had in fact been getting into constant conflict about who’s religion was the “True” religion, He wasn’t worth following.

“IT’S ALL HIS WORDS, YOU DUMBASSES! THIS IS THE SAME BIG GUY UPSTAIRS FOR ALL THREE BOOKS!” is how she put it.

As mighty as His powers of causing widespread suffering and instant death to those that disobeyed Him, that He can't keep house was a complete turn-off.

"Why do you think He's a He?" Maleficent commented. "Hmpf, Men."

She tried studying the other religions and was impressed with some such as Shiva from Hinduism, not so much Taoism with its focus on humility, and she stopped altogether after a brief study of Louisiana Vodoo with Dr. Facillier, and learning that the many, many, many other sects of Christianity she would have to read about in order to truly say that she “knew her enemies.”

At that point, she thought it’d just be much more practical to dedicate her time in learning how to subjugate the people by force than by subverting and abusing their religious practices and beliefs, as she and her mother will be the only thing they’ll be worshiping by the end, anyway.

Evie did very briefly entertain the idea of religion as a source of comfort, until the numerous patriarchal mutations and corruptions of the original traditions and practices made her realize she wouldn’t be able to maintain her current lifestyle, and lose a lot of her personal freedoms beside.

(“Modest and proper dress” was the most obvious deal breaker.)

After the elevator pitch, it was a firm “Fuck that noise!” into permanent atheism. Not even the more liberal and feminist Auradon practices can make her change her mind, though I suppose the stigma she has with the followers there doesn’t help.

Before you ask, a lot of the religious practitioners on the Isle do enforce plenty of incredibly restrictive rules and customs, all in the service of making some form of sanity and order within their communities, and making themselves distinct from the rest of the Isle that basically does as they please, so long as it doesn’t anger Maleficent too much.

Carlos did try to seek out religion as a means of relief in the day-to-day Hell that is being Cruella’s only child and personal unpaid servant, and a tentative form of escape into a better life. However, you could say his mistake/wise decision was talking to Frollo about converting, and after his admittedly rather appealing pitch to him, he opened up the floor for questions.

Carlos’ was this: “Why are some kids born into suffering like us, and others are born in a nice place like Auradon?”

“Child, God tests our faith all the time, to prove that we are worthy of His love, and our ultimate reward in Heaven; it is not something to hold against Him, but merely another part of His glorious, ineffable plan for us all,” Frollo replied.

“… So, like, how does He decide? Is there some sort of criteria about who gets born in a nice life, and who gets born in a bad life…?”

“Child, even the most faithful and Good of us all get tested, should He deem it necessary—just look at His only son, Jesus Christ, and how even with his unwavering faith in Our Father, He decided to push him to the very edge of renouncing his belief in Him all the same.”

“… So you’re basically saying that He just essentially decides on a whim who suffers and who doesn’t?”

Frollo frowned. “De Vil, it is NOT on a whim; to say that He would act in such a random manner is insulting to His greatness. He follows a Plan, known to Him and Him alone, and we are all to play our parts in it without question.”

Carlos nodded, then hopped off his chair. “Okay, that was all I had, thanks Father Frollo!” he said as he walked out of Frollo’s inner sanctum, and away from religion for the rest of his life.

Jay is interesting in that he does take a vested interest in Islam, as it is the one part of his Arabic heritage that Jafar refuses to indulge. The curiosity was first ignited with his adamant refusal to let him read the Quran even though it was one of the most easily acquired texts in Arabic, and Jafar’s incredibly hostile opinion of it.

Islam to him is just “the means for fools and weaklings to comfort themselves, lies that those in power feed to them with glee so they may selfishly keep that power, and the masses will even praise them for it.”

It doesn’t help that he tried to become a Supreme Being himself, and ultimately failed.

His foray into Islam, should he take it like @baby-prince-oppa theorizes he will, will be detailed in a future post. It’s a LOT of words, and this post is already massive, okay?

Freddie has an eclectic, limited education on Christianity and Voodoo, largely attributed to most of Dr. Facillier’s knowledge being in the darker arts as a bokor (a Vodoo Witch Doctor who plays with both good and evil, by definition). Most of it is also limited to strictly practical application such as potions, hexes, and of course the nature of the Shadow Cards.

The culture that had arisen around Louisiana Voodoo and “gris-gris” (charms) is mostly skipped over as Dr. Facillier was never interested in the “good” way to practice it, and they were too wary and knowledgeable of him to be victimized by him, so knowledge of it was largely useless to him. He also doesn’t encourage her to learn or follow the rituals and traditions, and especially not to attend Sunday church at Frollo’s, though this is mostly for safety concerns than religious ones.

(“Never deal with a man who always thinks himself on the right hand of God, sweet potato,” is how he phrases it.)

The only real takeaway she has from it is to be “very wary of the forces out there greater and wilier than mere mortals like ourselves.”

Before you ask, no, he does not encourage her to make deals with loa, his former “Friends from the Other Side.” This is because they are completely reliable; “you better believe they will do what they said when you pony up, and especially when you don’t.”

The Hook Kids (Harriet, Harry, and CJ) and the rest of the pirates/mostly seafaring Villain Kids such as those from the seedier parts of coastal China, all worship the Sea, seeing Her as their “Lady of Life, Bounty, and Death.”

This is even though their experiences with the sea are being beached for most of the year, being unable sail out or ply their trade past a certain distance off the coast where the alligators are especially active, and their (safely) being in water and enjoying themselves is in the underwater half of Serpent Prep, or in the flooded tomb “swimming pool” of Dragon Hall. (Both are headcanons of mine, for clarity.)

A lot of what you can call their religious acts and beliefs center around the vicious, man-eating crocodiles and how they avoid them like… well, vicious, man-eating crocodiles.

“Metaphors are rather twee when what you fear already has sharp teeth, massive mouths, and an insatiable hunger for flesh of any kind,” as Harriet would say.

Uma has been taught about the religious practices and beliefs Sea Witchcraft by Ursula, but she has largely focused on the matters of potion making and utmost respect for senior witches, as these were the ones that are most practical and shut her daughter up for most of the time.

Her knowledge on it is very incomplete because Ursula was a recluse, and she stops bothering with it altogether when she realizes that everything Ursula has her do is no different from the other VKs, just with different reasons behind it.

Even though Zevon has been born in a heavily polytheistic culture where it was an almost inescapable part of everyday living, he has no religion, as Yzma was never a big believer in deities or the emperors supposedly granted divine knowledge and right to rule by them.

(That she personally knows how much of a selfish, shallow, and greedy idiot Kuzco is contributed a lot to this.)

The only thing he can be said to worship is himself (and his mother), as Yzma has fed him many delusions of grandeur, and manipulative encouragements of all of his worst impulses, beliefs, and behaviours, all the traits that would best groom him as her ticket out of the Isle.

Even after infiltrating Auradon, and during his time being at-large, he does not change his mind, as by that point the brainwashing and propaganda Yzma had been feeding into him is so ingrained he sees all other religion as his “rivals,” whose followers he will steal, after he shows them that he is “The true Supreme Deity of all of Auradon!”

Or, as he pronounces it, “The true Super-eemee D-eighty of Auradon!”

The other Western European VKs, such as the Gaston brothers, LeFou Deux, Ginny Gothel, the Tremaines, the Mim Children and Grandchildren, Clay Clayton, Diego de Vil, Jace and Harry—are all atheists, and not likely to ever find or participate religion.

Aside from the fact that their respective universes did not seem to involve the dominant or possible religions at the time (likely because Disney was avoiding the massive kerfuffle that would come with portraying a canonically Catholic French Village while it’s not central to the story like Hunchback of Notre Dame), they generally come from people that put their faith in their names and reputations (de Vil and henchmen, Tremaine, Gaston), their abilities (Clayton, also Gaston), or their magic (Gothel, Mim).

The likes of Madam Mim and Mother Gothel probably know and have had contact with supreme beings and deities (such as the local Hades), but were likely not impressed by them back when they still had their powers, they still aren’t impressed with them now.

Speaking of Hades, his daughter Hadie believes in the existence of her various uncles and aunts, but does not worship them for very obvious reasons. She is a commonly seen figure at her father’s bar, “The Way Down Under,” (a headcanon of mine, for clarity) and has her own small following of loyal worshipers who frequently make tribute to her, though this is mostly because she’s smoking hot with a gift of seduction and a silver tongue.

With the exceptions of Claudine Frollo and Richard “Rick” Ratcliffe, their attitudes towards religion aren’t likely to change if they ever get to (legally) stay in Auradon.