#when a lot of it is stuff that's gone undiagnosed or untreated for years like. the damage to my body is already done

[izzy-b-hands]

my body needs to get its shit together lmao

[asexualcorvidae]

There's something to be said about the public performance of discussing concepts like "how one's year went" and "plans for the next year" publically, but there's something nice about sharing these thoughts with the world - even if they are mostly melancholy this year.

This year has been... mixed, to say the least. On a personal level, I don't have much to comment on. I had a paid month off of work in May, which I spent traveling to a few places to see people I haven't seen in a long time (as well as visit family). This time off was really nice. Really, really nice. I wish this wasn't a once-in-a-blue-moon thing. I found such regularity in being around other people.

Beyond the personal, work has been much improved. A very long & tedious project finally finished. (Mostly. It has been over half a year and I am still helping to clean things up. I don't mind it, though; it can be interesting work at times, and when it isn't, it helps to pass the time.) Now that this monster of a project is done, work has mostly been steady & consistent - which is a boon considering Everything Else Going On.

Oh, the medical stuff. It started slowly this year, with a diagnostic colonoscopy + endoscopy revealing nothing regarding my energy levels, and has since spiraled into 5 months of endless appointments and tedious "following-up-on-people-who-should-have-done-things-independently". My PCP sucks (2 months to go until I get a new one) and treated me like shit. I got off of continuous iron supplementation, finally, after over 5 years. I tapered down my SSRIs. (I could not come off them completely, because apparently Lexapro enhances the affects of Adderall, and changing my Adderall dose during the ongoing DEA-manufactured "shortage" is, in my opinion, a non-starter.) I was diagnosed with obstructive sleep apnea & have been working to adjust to sleeping with a CPAP machine, which is still an ongoing process. I finally got into physical therapy, struggled immensely with it, and was then referred to aquatic physical therapy, which has gone really well - perhaps the only medical thing that really has gone well this year. I'm still seeing eating disorder specialists, even if I haven't made much headway there. (There's too much going on.) I still have many problems, and many which I believe to still be undiagnosed & untreated. I'm better than I was 2 years ago, but I don't think I'm better than I was last year.

I do think I've improved with keeping up with chores. I've hammered down quite a few to keep up with on a weekly basis. (Laundry, dishwasher, trash, recycling, mail, and groceries.) It is... mixed at times, but I do what I am able to. I overhauled a lot of what was in my bathroom this year too. I replaced my shower curtains. I finally had maintenance replace my shower head, after owning the thing for over 2 years. I got new bath mats. I cleaned out much of the old medicines & supplies. (The supplies are still waiting to be donated. That's for another day.)

That's about all I have for a reflection on the previous year. I don't fully remember what my resolve was for this year - if I had to hazard a guess, I wanted to keep a focus on medical things (which I definitely did, for better or for worse) and maintain some structure with chores (which is much improved over the past year - I am, at the very least, basically never backlogged on anything I consider to be in a maintenance state).

As for next year... the medical focus is self-explanatory (and necessary). I actually might even join a gym??? (It's really terrible that there's no way to access a warm water pool without paying for it in some capacity. Medical care is gate kept by money! Unsurprising.) I'll keep tweaking my CPAP settings in pursuit of better sleep. I would, eventually, like to get off of Lexapro entirely. A new PCP will hopefully mean a new set of eyes on all of my symptoms. And, energy permitting, I'd like to get back into cooking - which I think will help my eating disorder a bit. (I'm not sure if I will be able to do it without the support of a meal kit service. I'd like to be able to do that, but I'm really not sure where I stand there.)

Beyond the medical, I want work to remain mostly stable. I'll keep advocating to be paid more, but I'm not expecting much. At this point, the health insurance is so worthwhile that I'm not particularly interested in moving jobs (or moving period). And in my personal life, I want to keep working to make my apartment somewhere I am happy to be in - somewhere I am proud to have decorated and am proud to maintain.

That's about it. I hope 2024 is a better year. (At the very least, I hope it is okay.)

[butterflyinthewell]

To trans folks who are trying to set trolls straight about Chris-Chan’s gender: Your hearts are in the right place, but the trolls do not care. They will keep misgendering Chris to piss you off and screenshot your reaction.

Yes, I’m talking about THE Chris-Chan. CWC, creator of Sonichu.

(TW: this post will mention rape and incest.)

I know, I know… “But if we let people misgender Chris, what’s stopping them from doing it to other trans people?”

Nothing.

There’s nothing you can do, unfortunately. The thing with trolls is they aren’t here to learn, they’re here to frustrate, annoy and anger you. They throw out all kinds of little hooks by saying offensive things, or things that trick you, and it’s all a game to them when somebody bites the bait.

It wouldn’t surprise me if trolls are saying horrible things about autism, too. That’s more my lane and partly why I don’t dig too deep in the tags about this situation. Again, I stress not engaging with that to correct trolls. They don’t care, they want to offend you.

As frustrating as it is, take note of the people who use Chris’ current pronouns and recognize that there are people who make an effort to get them right. I’m sure the trans people reading what you say will see that and know you care to gender them correctly.

It’s possible Chris transitioned believing she can get with lesbians. It’s entirely possible she’s exactly the stereotype that TERFs rant about and her shitty behavior might be used in the future to argue their views. TERFs will be TERFs. Some of Chris’ trolls may be trans themselves.

As it stands, Chris presents as a woman, so I’ll use she/her pronouns unless she decides to present as non-binary or a man again. You’re welcome to do the same when talking about her. Don’t waste your time trying to correct trolls, just use Chris’ current pronouns and leave it at that.

It sucks, but that’s how trolls troll.

Moving on…

I wonder if Chris would’ve been a weird, harmless nobody if Mimms never took her photo in The Game Place.

This all started because her photo was taken without her knowledge or consent and posted on a forum, which ended up spreading to the wider web and…yeah.

Would she have been an internet sensation? Would she have transitioned? Would she be a known name on the web?

Maybe everything would’ve gone down the same, but without an audience to bear witness.

Regardless, Chris is a trainwreck of a person. I don’t say that lightly. She didn’t deserve the trolling and abuse she got, yet she isn’t innocent in this either.

I felt sorry for her at first because I’m autistic too and was bullied severely in high school, some of it included physical assault and attempted murder. I reacted to the constant name calling and mockery irl a lot like Chris reacted to her online trolls. I’m thankful that my most volatile years happened before I had internet access. I’m two years older than Chris. I had my own drama with trolls that lasted a few years, but I grew up a bit more.

But I digress…

Chris didn’t get the internet safety talk that I got before getting let loose online, and people took advantage of her gullibility, her autism, whatever mental illnesses she might have and her obsession with getting laid. She ignored warnings to the contrary and in some instances her mom enabled her while her dad tried (and failed) to reign her in.

At the same time, Chris has a history of being racist, ableist, homophobic and misogynistic. She ignores people’s boundaries even when they were clearly stated. She’s entitled and thinks everything bad is a conspiracy against her. She acts like the world operates on cartoon rules and can’t handle it when situations don’t turn out in her favor like she believes they should. It’s a strange view of “Anything I do is good because I did it, and anybody who tells me it’s bad or treats me badly is evil or a troll.”

How she comes across to others and how she thinks she comes across are incongruent with each other, and she refuses to take any correction. An example is the claw hand she used to do while railing at trolls. It’s clear she’s imitating stuff she saw in cartoons, but doesn’t grasp that it looks silly in real life. It leaves me wondering if she ever watched her videos back to see how she really looks before uploading them.

Chris did a lot of disgusting things of her own volition, like not leaving people alone, uploading that sexual drawing featuring Megan, using pepper spray without provocation and trying to hit someone with her car.

Trolls tricked her into humiliating herself and shared the results, like hacking into her email, sharing chats where she gave out embarrassing details about herself, prank calling her house and posting the infamous blowup doll video.

If you know “Christory”, you know what I’m talking about.

If you don’t know, it’s something that’s gone on longer than some people have been alive.

No side is innocent here. I don’t blame Chris for attracting trolls, they chose to go and harass her because she jumped when they poked her.

I’ve followed Chris’ story off and on since 2008, back when she was making her Sonichu comics and being awkward. I never participated in trolling her. I’ve only ever seen the aftermath of troll operations, but the things she endured were cruel. (The Miyamoto saga and the BlueSpike saga come to mind.) I looked her up to see if she was alive and okay. I sent her my AFBV message a couple years ago, but never got a response.

I wonder if this could’ve been avoided if Chris never got trolled and was supervised better while online. That’s where her parents failed her. I felt bad for her; she didn’t know how to conduct herself and kept falling for trolling schemes because she was so desperate to get a girlfriend. It’s like she ignored that little gut warning that says “hey, this feels like a trick” and it was like watching someone fall down the same hillside over and over.

But after what she did to her mom, I lost any sympathy I had for her. Yes, trolls have traumatized her and messed with her head for over a decade and that’s gross, but what she did to her mom was unconscionable. It’s indefensible. It’s morally abhorrent.

She had sex with (or possibly raped via coercion) her elderly mom, who may have dementia.

Chris’ autism was taken advantage of for years, and now she might’ve taken advantage of her mom’s dementia to harm her for the past month.

Think about that. There is no defending that. She finally did something she can’t just wave away or pay her way out of.

Trolls didn’t put Chris up to that, she did it all by herself.

Now she’s under arrest.

Time and again Chris has had run-ins with the law and got away with slaps on the wrist, but I don’t think she’s going to walk away from this so easily.

I hope this situation finally gets Chris the help she desperately needs. I don’t know if her dimensional merge stuff is a delusion from undiagnosed and untreated mental illness or if it’s a paracosm she’s chosen to live in and act out because she can’t handle how cruel the real world is. Please note that I don’t say mental illness lightly either, because I’m aware of the stigma.

At this point I think she needs a caregiver who will supervise her online activities and help her manage her finances. (She will likely resist this…)

Chris’ autism and whatever else she has going on appears to make it very difficult for her to see things from any perspective besides her own. I’m autistic too, so I understand this— sometimes I get this way and have to walk myself back to see other perspectives, or I ask people to give me their side of it to help me understand how they see it even if I don’t agree with their view.

Chris needed more guidance and reality checks growing up, but didn’t get them, and now she needs both more than ever as she faces the results of her behavior. If she is delusional, she needs help to navigate it and I hope she can do that away from trolls. She needs to face consequences for (possibly) raping someone.

I wonder what the legal system will do with her, and I hate that her life has come to this. It was so avoidable. 😞

Sorry, Chris…I hope you’ll get help now, and I hope Barb is okay.

[by-dying-i-live]

TLDR: I’m turning 31 in about a month and I wish I had begun treatment of my ADHD sooner. Don’t wait. Read a part of my life story to see what happens when you do. Undiagnosed and untreated ADHD costs you far more than any of the testing does.

My birthday is in about one month and I am finally starting to feel closer to my real age. Usually I feel about 4 years younger than I really am, but now the gap between felt age and real age is more like two. That in and of itself isn’t bad, but having ADHD and being developmentally lagging by about 30% of my peers has caused several issues.

In the past, my ADHD has strongly influenced my poor decision making abilities (that is, timely and appropriate decisions [not talking about stupidity or even rash decisions, just knowing what to do and when—how to prioritize basically]). My ADHD has frequently made it extraordinarily difficult to delay gratification—even when I was aware of how it would be a better option. I have been slow to develop the awareness of having lost focus, and then learning how to regain focus on intended activities. And my ability to plan and save for long term goals have all seriously put me behind.

All of this has played a big part in lost job opportunities, massive school loan debt, several failed relationships, poor friendships, severe depression, suicidal ideation (years ago), trust issues (with others but especially with myself), and years of aimlessness/restlessness/hopelessness.

I guess I just wish I had known about and began treating my ADHD sooner. Maybe I wouldn’t be in debt, maybe I might not be on year 12 for a four year degree, maybe I might getting married to my ex instead of being single, maybe I’d already have a kid and a house, and maybe I’d already be working in my ministry (whatever exactly that would be). I know God has His reasons for allowing a late diagnosis and all the stuff I went through. I’m not angry, I just wish it had gone a different way.

Why this monologue? If you suspect you have ADHD, don’t wait to get checked out. You might avoid years of what I went through. Yes the testing my be expensive and it can be a major pain to jump through all the hoops to get the diagnosis and then the medication (if you go that route), but it’s FAR more expensive to go undiagnosed. Do your research, lots of it, and then go and find out. And even if one doctor tells you you don’t have it, go to another for a second opinion or third. I saw five doctors (over many years) before I was finally diagnosed—and she was LIVID that none of my doctors could see my very obvious ADHD or even bothered to do any kind of testing. ADHD costs you more than just money, but also years, jobs, dreams, family, and relationships—just to name a few.

[tumblunni]

I have a question that I hope is ok. I have had a suspicion that I might have some form of autism for quite a while now and when you reblog posts that say something along the line of just autism things like the one you just did I have to do a double take because I do all of those things + have them happen to me and am shocked when I see I'm not the only one who does these things especially the really abstract. I don't ever bring it up though in fear that people get upset that I'm "faking"

Oh man, mystery person, that’s pretty heavy!! I know the feeling, it took me a LONG time of self-examination to work out whether I might have autism, and I actually did have to deal with a less-than-optimal response when I tried to talk to someone about it. My doctor outright said ‘but you seem too smart for that’, like.. what the fuck?? So seriously, you need to be prepared to be PERSISTANT. Don’t lose confidence in your decision! Make sure you get to see an actual diagnosis, don’t let them lock you out of it based on dumb stereotypes. Cos seriously, general practitioners going ‘hey this person probably doesnt have this thing that’s completely out of my division, and I wont even let them talk to that division’.. thats just.. GOD I really get frustrated and scared thinking how much more messed up my life would be right now if I’d listened to him and not ever got help for my condition!

So my advice is basically.. even if you don’t want to ‘self-diagnose’, please do ‘self-diagnose’.You need to be abnormally prepared for this, you need to have a list of all your symptoms, you need to learn the terms and have reference to point to in the event of them denying you the ability to talk to an actual psychologist. And you need to be prepared for them even treating you like you cant be autistic if you were capable of doing this!You need to hand-hold your general practitioner through explaining what autism even is, and do whatever the fuck you can so you can get transferred over to someone who actually knows who they’re talking about.Oh and common ‘self-diagnosis’ type stuff can also help a lot in the meantime, because doing research on the subject can lead you to finding new coping methods, finding other people to ask about the subject, and just generally tiding you over until you’re able to get a professional diagnosis and (hopefully) access to things like therapy and local autism community groups.Also, just, in some countries medical care is way less accessable, so I know not eveyrone is even able to get a professional diagnosis at all.

Oh, and an important thing is that autism is a spectrum and there are many different symptoms you can have. it can even be hard to discover your own symptoms, you might find that they manifest in a weird way because you’ve been subconciously trying to hide them or using some form of unhealthy coping method for years. Going undiagnosed into your adult years is really like.. one of the primary causes for autism being REALLY disabling! Dear god my stage of treatment right now is just learning to untangle a bunch of bullshit I’ve done to myself over the years, and re-learn basic life skills and self confidence. I think if i’d been born into an environment with people who actually would have recognised it and cared about getting me help as a kid, i could have grown up without most of my anxiety issues!Another important fact is that adult autism is often co-morbid with anxiety issues, due to the circumstances of being left completely alone to deal with this thing for your entire life with no support. There’s also just a lot of ways certain anxiety disorders (as well as ADHD) can have overlapping symptoms with autism spectrum disorders. A lot of the ‘that feel when’ meme stuff can be relateable to all three of these otherwise quite different disorders. So I’d reccommend looking up info on ADHD, PTSD, generalized anxiety disorder, and related conditions too, and maybe seeing which disorder seems most similar to what you’re experiencing. And don’t be scared if it seems like you might have multiple of them! In real life being ‘all the tokens at once’ is VERY MUCH not ‘unrealistic’, man I really hate those people who’re like ‘hwaaa someone who’s black AND gay AND in a wheelchair? political correctness gone maaaad!’ Seriously, its very VERY possible to have more than one mental illness, especially ones that might have a knock-on effect causing another one. Going undiagnosed and untreated for ANYTHING can lead to developing anxiety and depression, but going undiagnosed for a social disability makes it especially likely to get specifically social anxiety.oh, and randomly for an example I happen to also have prosopagnosia, which means I can’t tell the difference between people’s faces. I literally cannot recognise my best friend if she changes her hairstyle or glasses. This is kinda Double Hell combined with autism, cos its already a challenge for me to judge people’s emotions, lol!

Oh man I’m kinda going offtopic and just rambling every damn fact I know, but I’m just hoping maybe something will be helpful??I really am not an expert on autism, I dont even know any good informative blogs to link you to. I’m just a regular person who happens to have the condition, and I don’t know how to give good advice when i’m still quite often suffering from denial and self hate myself...But I dunno, I just hope it could help to hear my personal experience, and know that you’re not alone.Though now I’m worrying maybe this post is a little intimidating so it might make you feel worse?? Seriously, this is just a worst case scenario thing, hopefully your doctor won’t be as casually gatekeepy as mine was. And I mean, he seemed like a good man who wasnt exactly rude about it and wasnt doing it on purpose. If anything that worries me more, tho, cos he was just politely saying ‘haha no you’re wrong’ to a patient, about a subject he wasnt remotely qualified in, and wouldnt have ever considered reccommending me to a professional if i hadnt kept nagging him about it and come back with a bunch of research and stuff. It felt SO damn cathartic to get that ‘YES, AUTISM’ in the end! Shame I couldnt show it to him and I probably would have had my entire healthcare cut forever if I boasted XDAlso, I was lucky that I had my charity support worker to help me through the stress of the assessment interviews. I hope you have at least one person who’d be able to be there for you and believe you, in times like these. Or, even if you’re like me and you dont’ have any family and stuff, I hope you end up meeting a surprisingly awesome governent worker lady who wears a cool hat and helps you out. Seriously, Amber, you’re a godsend!

So umm.. yeah.. i am REALLY sleep deprived and I am not good at words but i hope some of this helped?? I hope you’re okay, anon!And honestly, reading ‘lol relateable jokes’ type posts on people’s blogs was how I first started suspecting I was autistic, too. I’d grown up buried in so many stereotypes of mentally ill people, I never thought I was one of them until I actually got to read blogs from their perspective. Joke posts obviously aren’t a substitute for a diagnosis, but I think they kinda serve a valuable role in the self acceptance process, yknow? Thank you, joke posts!