#when I was too bad at hiding my trauma symptoms to try and repress that shit around people who were gonna be weird to me

[ablednt]

It's also really frustrating that I spent my whole childhood and teenage years being dehumanized, having my peers joke about keeping me as a pet and toying with/manipulating me for fun or bringing me places with them like I'm an accessory and not their friend and literally being called a tool and an object by the adults in my life but when this had long lasting effects on how I viewed myself/what I related to and also how I could only view my place in relationships (of any kind) as being one of subservience like I can have all of the problems that come with that

But when I expressed that in any way, when I connect with media where people are dehumanized/objectified/enslaved etc, when I acknowledge that pain the main response I get is people calling me a freak, trying to force me into kink spaces surrounding my trauma, sexualizing me and then punishing me for that, etc.

Like idk I think it says more about the people saying this shit than it does about me but I've been made to feel like such a goddamn creep for having regular ass trauma symptoms that my OCD over it is insane and it really sucks how much I've been taught to be ashamed of myself for not just repressing all of my trauma (and the even more on the nose exotrauma my brain pulled in to cope with this shit) and how I've had to try and make myself as small as possible in survivor spaces lest I make anyone uncomfortable with my existence

Like idk what if y'all let me live my life actually/nbh

[zoeykallus]

Hi! I just wanted to say I really love your work. I think you’ve absolutely nailed down what the batch is like. I was wondering if you could write something regarding the reader, who is female, who is having PTSD symptoms/flair up. Such as a flashback or hyper vigilance, and how each member of the batch, including Omega, would react and maybe how they would comfort her (reader)? Thank you again for all your work, may the force be with you! ❤️

Aloha! Thank you very much! Love to read that :))

Sorry you had to wait so long! There were a lot of asks in my inbox (still are ^^') and this isn't an easy request, partly because it hits home. But I finally took some time and worked something out.

The Bad Batch x F!Reader - PTSD

Warnings: Angst/Hurt/Mention Of PTSD And It's Symptoms

_________

You've been living with PTSD for a while now, and are suffering from the various symptoms.

Examples:

Unwanted remembering and reliving of the trauma situation (flashbacks and nightmares).

Experiences are repressed, similar situations are actively avoided.

Restlessness, irritability, sleep disturbances.

Social isolation, flattening of interests, emotional numbness.

Here are some headcanons of how the Bad Batch guys handle it.

_______

Hunter

He senses immediately when you are tense and tries to counteract it. Hunter reacts to your situation accordingly, protects you from overstimulation, provides distraction or holds your hand when you feel like you're losing your footing.

In general, you can always talk openly with Hunter about everything. He listens attentively and likes to work with you to find solutions and ways to ease your situation. He has no prejudices, and he does not take the matter lightly. Hunter takes your worries and fears seriously.

Hunter is very empathetic and adaptable, very good qualities for a partner with PTSD. Meanwhile, he wakes up before your nightmares really start, sensing what's going on inside you even while you sleep, thanks to his exceptionally senses. He is always ready to comfort you, listen to you or stay awake with you when you don't dare to go back to sleep.

He makes you feel understood and taken seriously.

Echo

He will always listen to you and try to put himself in your shoes. Echo wants to understand you and what is going on inside you. You don't have to hide from him, he is one of the most understanding and empathetic people.

Taking care of you is almost like second nature. He loves you on good days and bad days, it doesn't matter how miserable you are, you can't hide from him, he can see how you are feeling, he has a special sense for it.

He wipes the sweat of fear from your forehead at night when you wake up from a bad dream, talks gently to you or just listens to you, depending on what you need at the moment. Basically, his main characteristic is that he is always by your side when you need him.

In case he can't be with you, he has recorded holos. In some of them he reads something to you, in others he tells you comforting words. Echo recorded these holos after you once told him that his voice was comforting to you.

Wrecker

He suffers with you and is always concerned when he notices that you are experiencing symptoms. On days when you withdraw, can't open up, close yourself off to him, he suffers especially, but he doesn't complain. Wrecker knows you are not doing this to hurt him.

He holds you in his arms at night, if you let him. Wrecker is an empathetic comforter, to the extent that he really shares your suffering. While that means he probably understands you better than most, it can also be counterproductive. If the two of you slide into a low, you might find yourselves pulling each other deeper and deeper.

But Wrecker has a natural, cheerfulness about him that probably prevents that. Sooner or later he'll smile at you and work diligently against that low. Jokes, cuddles, comfort food and an open ear are his weapons.

He's also not too shy to ask for help from his brothers and get information to be able to help you better.

Tech

He is very attentive. Surprisingly quickly, Tech notices when something changes in your behavior or mood, even if it's very small things.

Of course, he has studied the subject extensively and got all kinds of things. Relaxing tea, weighted blankets, recordings of soft background sounds to help you fall asleep, and relaxing evening readings to clear your head and fill it with other things that don't trouble you.

Tech will always listen to you if you need to get something off your chest, he will hold you in his arms after any nightmare or keep his distance if you need that. Basically, he is very understanding and adapts to what you need.

However, he will probably suggest bringing in additional professional help to take the weight off both of you. PTSD can be a heavy weight on a relationship. But don't worry, he's not overwhelmed or pushing you, it's just a logical step that he believes will help you.

Crosshair

He can handle the isolation, he himself has moments in which he prefers to withdraw, he can understand that and leaves you alone. However, your violent nightmares frighten and worry him. You get too little sleep, and that is why he is looking for solutions to this problem.

Through Tech, he finds things like weighted blankets and sleeping teas. This often helps, but not always.

He looks past your irritability with a stoic calm. By now, he knows where this coming and going irritability comes from and can deal with it. Crosshair doesn't blame you, after dealing with it for a while he understands very well what's going on. He adapts quietly and without much fuss.

PTSD is quite familiar to him from being a soldier, he just didn't expect to encounter it here in this context. He is surprisingly patient and empathetic when called upon. He has spent many a night awake with you in his arms, talking about everything and anything to take your mind off things.

Omega

Attentive and empathetic, she quickly senses when your symptoms flare up. Similar to Echo, she has a very caring nature. It is easy for her to adapt to you and to ground you. There is something about her that is calming and uplifting.

Omega always believes in the best and holds steadfastly to hope and good will. Of course, she knows that she cannot face this mammoth task alone. She turns mainly to Tech for information and Hunter for tangible support when needed.

Meanwhile, it has become a ritual for Omega to read the stories she has discovered to help you fall asleep. She's the first one at your bedside when you're having a nightmare, worried but also ready to take care of you.

Ko-Fi (If you feel like giving me some coffee)

@rintheemolion

@andyoufollowyourheart @clone-whore-99

@brynhildrmimi @kaliel2310

@misogirl828 @tech-deck

@meshla-madalene

@chxpsi

@thebahdbitch

@nahoney22 @ladykatakuri

@darkangel4121

@ttzamara

@arctrooper69

@padawancat97

@agenteliix

@puppetswithteeth

@palliateclaws

@either-madness-or-brilliance

@ortizshinkaroff

@andy-solo1

@hunterssecretrecipe

@heyitsaloy

@greaser-wolf

@starwarsnerd111

[shadowintegration]

I’m trying to figure out why the universe is sending my failing friendships with people who disrespect me and then leave dramatically and paint me as evil.

Here’s what I’ve got so far:

They disrespected me

They hid their true feelings from me

I ignored the bad feeling in my gut

I drew a boundary and they left*

They blame me for our fallout

*on this note, I was thinking.... with the one girl, I was hurting for an extended period of time. She did a lot of hurtful things including talking shit about me while she stayed in my house for free (including meals!) but I had been holding my pain inside in hopes to preserve our friendship. One day I finally snapped and sent her a less than respectful audio telling her to back off and give me space to heal from how she hurt me. (I regretted not waiting a few days because at DBT we learned a communication technique that I could have used had I known it, but at the same time I let her knowingly hurt me for way too long already. And it’s valid of her to be upset that I disrespected her, but she is blind to how many many many times she has disrespected me time and time again and in so many different ways. I think it comes from excessive pride. I am humble enough to admit that I handled all of these friendship conflicts in a less than graceful way. I am still learning after all. A year ago about I tried to reach out to her and apologize, I sent a fucking paragraph! And I was hurt that she replied with a one sentence apology so I made a venting post on my blog just like one sentence and she saw it and took it so so personally and said this is why we can’t be friends ever again don’t ever check my blog again... which like ok.......... I’m allowed to be offended by your fake ass apology that lacked effort and introspection but that’s fine if you’re too prideful to think you did anything wrong. I still pray for you. I still care about you and your family’s wellbeing.

**this point is also not entirely accurate for someone else I have blocked on tumblr. I was forward with her about being willing to be whatever she wanted whether it was friends or a little more, and after that conversation where she didn’t directly say “no” (but her vibe check definitely said NO) she assumed that I was IN LOVE with her. OBSESSED and PINING. How fucking false and self centered, for one thing. And also stop living out of your past trauma!!! I am NOT your abusive EX!! I am also not the person he painted me as, but you must have believed him on some level. Clearly, since you were so thoroughly committed to misunderstanding me and assuming I had all these feelings that were actually all projected from within herself. One day, I was just trying to have a conversation with her as a friend. And I suppose, it’s important to acknowledge at this point I had instituted a policy of honesty, because hiding my truth and my feelings was a huge factor in my prior hospitalization. I was fucking gaslighting myself for years by telling everyone I was “fine” or “just tired”. Dishonesty when answering “how are you” was a form of self harm for me. This girl was offended that she habitually decided to ask how I was and then push for more personal questions to be answered. Very intrusive questions! At the time I thought: she must be really interested in psychology and wants to develop an emotionally intimate friendship. I was fucking WRONG. She was asking me all the questions she wanted someone to ask her. When I would answer honestly (which was CONSISTENTLY a “más o menos” kind of answer like yeah I’m ok but I’m a bit sad today. Like... clearly stating that IM OK but I also am dealing with my mental illness and that’s ok because I know how to do it - it’s my life bro I know how to take care of myself!) she would take my answers, focus on the negative clause in the complex sentence, and hyper focus on it, projecting her unresolved and repressed negative feelings unto me. She snapped at me one day in an attempt to “draw a boundary” apparently (everytime I say “apparently” here, I mean I heard this through a third party) . I couldn’t tell it was her drawing a boundary because it was so fucking out of the blue and was just her misdirected anger (which I’m sure she was angry at herself & we will come back to that shortly)... she used an emotional abuse tactic (manipulating me to make me feel guilty for her actions and lack of self prioritization/ self care) to make me feel bad for consistantly being honest. Apparently, my honesty was overwhelming her and she wanted to draw a boundary to protect herself from my depression. And that’s valid! It’s her methods that I have a problem with!!

To be honest, I was super uncomfortable with probably 85% of the questions she would ask me because they were super personal and (honestly hindsight is 20/20) because I’ll absolutely never go that into detail about my symptoms to anyone who asks who’s not my doctor ever again. No one needs to know my daily struggles that intimately!!! Only the doctor who’s working with me on treatment should know about that! It’s not like I’m necessarily hiding it, I just don’t feel comfortable ever sharing that truth with anyone else ever again (unless they are treating me because my feelings are no ones responsibility to take on.) so like we were kind of on the same page on a “gut” level - we both wanted a boundary and I guess neither of us could enforce one correctly. I realize now I could have refused to answer her questions. But anyways... She snapped at me, saying that I was too much and that she was super stressed and trying to cram for an exam (earlier in the convo she said she was studying, and personally I have studied while talking to friends simultaneously so I thought nothing of it. But clearly she meant to say: “I’m busy studying for an exam I have to concentrate I’ll ttyl.” IT REALLY WAS THAT SIMPLE TO ENFORCE A BOUNDARY RESPECTFULLY, GIRL. but no. She blamed me for distracting her [which, ok sorry for trying to talk to a friend, if you had self control and self respect you would either turn off your notifications or stop checking your messages as a form of self care in order to focus on your priorities. That’s all on you.] and then she projected how bad her mental state was unto me, saying that “she couldn’t need what I need her to be” (even though she said that right before the snap/paragraph and I had replied gracefully “you don’t need to be anyone but yourself 😊” clearly she didn’t hear that 🙄 didn’t want to admit that she was just a friend and not a Savior) so yeah anyways she projected her repressed and ill-controlled mental illness unto me. If she hadn’t repressed herself and her truth (as I refused to do) she wouldn’t have blown up. She blamed me for all the things she felt and never showed me. When I would ask how she was she was always “fine” or “tired” (sounds familiar? Yeah I already grew out of that, like I said) and I honestly refuse to accept the blame for her personal emotional neglect and disproportionate response to my honesty. To me, it is clear that she was angry with herself for not being honest with herself, she was angry with herself for not being able to focus and prioritize her studies, she was angry that she was hurting inside so badly but I didn’t even know because she was never honest with me or herself.

I do feel badly about ghosting her. I never replied. But... She said I’m that last paragraph all I needed to know: she needed to study. She needed space. She didn’t want to hear my truth again. She was incapable of properly respecting herself, so it was only natural that she would accidentally disrespect her friends. She wasn’t ready to confront her truth. ... I knew then that she wasn’t ready to heal, she wasn’t ready to address the real cause of her problems, she was only trying to get through things day by day. That’s fine. We’re all at different points in our journey.

It’s funny how this is in many ways reminiscent of the first girl that left me, but instead of me hiding my pain, she was hiding her pain, and the resulting explosion/attempt at a boundary was disrespectful. Clearly, pain distorts our thought process and makes us lash out when we feel unheard, even if we were the ones hiding our pain. Trying to protect the other through dishonesty only hurts ourselves in the end.

Maybe that’s the lesson. Honesty. Respect.