#when I first moved in I told someone 'yeah put those things on top of the fridge'

[azzandra]

The thing I'm discovering about being short and living alone now is that unless I acquiesce to living under the tyranny of a step stool, I will never again see such places as the fabled far-away kingdom of top shelf of the fridge.

[happy74827]

Can you make more Joe Goldberg? You did such aan amazing job on the first one that I NEED a second one. Just please consider. Thank. Love your fics btw 💖💖💖

Lily of the Valley

[Joe Goldberg x Female!Reader]

Synopsis: Coffee might not be his favorite, but things can change when it involves a person like you.

WC: 659

Category: Fluff

Fortunately, I already had this small idea in mind for our lovely stalker man and this request really just put the icing on top of the cake. Hopefully it fulfills your needs 🙌 (also you’re too sweet… thank you so much for the kind words 💞)

『••✎••』

Coffee. The hard, hot, and bitter drink that is the reason many people get out of bed each day and the reason why some people stay up until the early hours of the morning. He never understood the appeal.

But that didn't mean he didn't enjoy the smell of coffee beans roasting, the smell of fresh ground beans being poured into a filter, and the smell of the finished product. He didn't understand how something so bitter and disgusting could have such a calming and comforting smell.

Joe had been sitting in a booth in a coffee shop for the past few hours, watching the world outside go by, sipping a small mug of tea, and his current read, "The Woman In The Window" by A.J Finn, in front of him. His eyes were trained on the people going by, not really taking much of anything in. He was on autopilot, a default setting he slipped into whenever his mind was full of something else.

It was only when a waitress with a short, black pixie cut walked over to his table that his eyes come back into focus, and his thoughts began to slow down. She didn't look like she belonged in a coffee shop. With a long, floral dress, combat boots, and a cardigan, she was far too pretty and too interesting to be serving lattes. She was a rose in a garden full of daisies, a peacock among chickens.

Then, like a snap to reality, the sound of his name pulled him away from her and onto… you. The whole reason he was here in the first place.

If he thought the waitress was a rose, you were a whole bouquet.

"Jonathan! Are you going to order anything, or are you just going to keep sitting there, scaring all our other employees?" You said a laugh in your voice.

He hadn't even noticed the waitress had already left, and now, you were standing by the table, holding a coffee pot.

Yeah, he needs to stop letting his thoughts take over.

"No, no, I was just, uh, reading."

"Reading a book, or reading her?" You said, cocking your head to the side, indicating the waitress who had moved on to another table.

"Reading the book."

"Mhm, sure." You said, not at all convinced. God, he just wanted to kiss the smirk off your face. Those pretty lipstick-covered lips moving against his.

You shook your head, smiling.

"You want a muffin… or something? On the house, since you're a regular and all."

He looked down at the book again, then back up at you. Unlike the waitress, you were dressed for work in a black, collared shirt tucked into black pants and a black apron tied around your waist.

It told him a lot about you, like the fact that you were a rule follower organized. The other waitress played confidence to stand out. You wanted to blend in, but still, he noticed.

How could he not notice you?

"Sure."

"Blueberry, right? Your usual."

"Yeah."

"Okay. I'll be back in a second."

You had just turned to leave before you spun on your heel and stopped.

"And, Jonathan,” you paused. "That book in your hands? Wonderful read."

As you walked away, he realized how his heart had started to beat faster, and he couldn't stop the grin on his face.

A bouquet? No, you were something far more rare and far more beautiful than that.

You were an orchid.

And when you returned with that perfectly shaped muffin and that award-winning smile, Joe decided this would be the last time he ever chased a woman. Because this one?

You?

It was as though you were a mix between all his past loves and yet someone entirely new.

You were that new orchid in the greenhouse, the lily of the valley, and he wanted to nurture you and make you grow.

It's time to stop blending in; he would bring you out to bloom.

[starsomens]

𝕂𝕖𝕒𝕥𝕠𝕟

Finding out

I write about Eden a lot however Keaton was your first baby. This happened about a year and a half after you and Noah had gotten married, find out that you are pregnant with your first baby! And that was Keaton :)

Of course, you both were aware of the risk since you guys didn’t use a lot of protection during the first year of marriage and you’re OK with that. During this pregnancy, you both actually had noticed you’re missing period

It was about nine at night after I got home from the studio, when you had told him you were feeling a little weird and you had your suspicions so you both take a trip to the convenience store and buy two boxes of tests just because there were such things as false positives and you wanted to be sure of the results

This was a somewhat planned pregnancy. You knew the risks that would happen and you both came to an agreement that if you did fall pregnant you’d take it as it was and be happy about it

“Do you want me to come with you?”

“ so you can watch me pee on a stick?”

Well, he seen more than that already but you were sure he was just nervous.

He was. He paced, he sat on the couch for like 3 minutes, got up and listened to the bathroom door. Deadass looked up long long a pregnancy test took and went to knock on your door

“Baby? Are you okay? Do you need any help or-“ you opened the door and you swore you saw how panicked he was

“Noah, honey I’m fine…..I haven’t looked yet” you said as you hand him the rest that was wrapped back in the wrapper

“Oh okay….hey it’s okay, we’ll open it together” we both stood there in a space to move while he takes test out of the wrapper and flips it.

“ITS POSITIVE OH MY GOD-“

You were running around the house not finding a better way to get your energy out

“Baby? Baby, we’re gonna…we’re gonna HAVE a baby. Oh god….a baby!” Then Noah started running after you and finally caught you in a Hug

“Wow…..Noah…I’m….im pregnant!”

“You are princess” he just starts kissing the top of your head and nuzzling you. He then pulls back and comes down to your belly button and you can feel your cheeks blush

“Hey there, I’m your….dad! Or I’m gonna be your dad…..yeah…..I’m gonna be your dad”

He now has a habit of rest his head on your stomach. He feels closer to you and the baby, that wasn’t even the size of a strawberry at the moment.

I don’t really see him as someone made the appointment because he was so excited

“ when is your next earliest appointment?….mhm… at 2? That’s perfect. I can come in with her right? Okay thank you.”

While you waited for your appointment, a lot of symptoms at first, but the closer the day the more nauseous you were feeling. And of course on the date of appointment was when you first experienced morning sickness, and it was awful.

You were very close to canceling the appointment and going on a different day. However, if it wasn’t for Noah helping you out and soothing your nausea you would’ve just crawled back into bed.

1st trimester

Noah has big hands and he put those big hands to use. He holds your hair back with one hand and he rubs circles on your back with the other.

While you brush your teeth from the nasty bitter flavor, he wants to get you some water. the kids make sure you drink all the water

He was very excited for the first appointment, and since this was your first child, he took every pamphlet on any kind of information that you guys would need it. He’ll just read out all the facts to you while you’re waiting in the room for your doctor

He may have went a bit over his head with how much you’d be able to see at this point but still amazing that the tiny little blob on the screen would soon become your baby

“

“I’d say you’re just about tipping 2 weeks. Still a early on, so you should still enjoy this wonderful early symptoms unfortunately”

You had never seen him so focused as he looked at the screen and subconsciously played with your fingers.

You had never seen his eyes sparkle as much as they did when you had gotten a small sonogram of your first appointment. He was all smiles and was already clearing days so he’d be able to come to the appointments with you.

Time was your first baby.

Nothing I’d put out

Everything is kept LOWKEY, UNDER WRAPS, IN PRIVATE

The only people who knew were the boys and direct management so they knew about any kind of up coming appointments, or change of plans and dates. He was already protective of you but now you’re carrying a baby! Your baby!

He just feels the need to keep you safe and comfortable and secure

Definitely takes pictures each week that passes to document progress and of course create memories to look back on. Works on a top secret project in his studio for the baby as well. He makes a video documentary for the baby, starting from when he found out and every time you have a milestone

2nd trimester

3 months down, 6 to go!

Your morning sickness is finally easing up and you can actually get up in the morning and get your things done.

Or can you?

Aside from the morning sickness finally subsiding you’re not just very sleepy and you love to take morning naps preferably right after you wake up if you’re a stomach sleeper, Noah is definitely making sure that you’re starting to sleep on your sides or on your back. He’s already offered to buy you a pregnancy pillow so that you can avoid sleeping on your stomach, even though your bump is still not showing.

You’ll get bloated from something you eat and your baby girl over it and you kinda have to ruin the moment. It’s just food, but that’s what it would look like.

His wish does come true. Once you get into your five month mark you start showing and he is over the moon about it. If you scroll through his gallery, it’s a bunch of pictures of your bump from different angles his favorite one, that is now his wallpaper is a picture of you on the sofa with a bullet chips. Stuffing your face while his head is in your lap and he took a picture from that angle and he is in love with it.

The first trimester, it is a time where you both agree to tell anyone else that you are close with meaning any kind of family or very close friends from either one of your sides. You also start to rearrange things in the house. Luckily, you did have an extra room that was mostly being used for storage than Noah was starting to clean out to turn into a nursery.

And has pitched the ideas to his team to make clothes from the band

So that he can start with his baby and he could look hard-core

He definitely does his research and wonders if his type of music would be great for development for the baby to hear. Either way he does sing to your baby bump. Whether it’s songs in general that everyone knows or songs that he and the band wrote.

For sure, seeing because in a sense, he wants them to know that since the day they were conceived, he would be there for them and even beyond

You’ve also noticed faster when his face is right up against your bump, which sometimes is a little uncomfortable for you, but you don’t have the heart to move in because he looks so content and happy

No, you also went to your OB/GYN and heard the heartbeat and this man started crying in the examination room. of course it was all real from the start, but once he heard the heartbeat, it really just made things so real for him. And yes, he does document this in the video that he’s creating. He also asked the doctor if he could record the heartbeat and he has three different versions of them, he sends them to the guys so that they can hear the sound and also so that he can brag about his baby having a great heartbeat.

This heartbeat will appear in any songs that he makes in his fact in his mind he wanted to be beat for every song in the next album that he makes, but you didn’t argue with him on it saying that it might make the song sound repetitive. Which he argues.

“ there is nothing better than heartbeat. If people don’t like it they obviously have some questionable taste”

Is just completely infatuated with your baby from day one which is something that honestly warms your heart and you couldn’t wait to see him as a dad in action if he was being a great dad now

Really do love to watch how he builds and paints the nursery. He doesn’t let you do anything because he doesn’t want you breathing in the harsh chemicals of whatever he’s using and because he he just wants you to rest and let the baby grow. He said your job was to grow the baby and let him take care of you. Which honestly you cannot argue on. It sound of like a great deal.

You guys paint the nursery, a neutral color only because you wanted the sex of your baby to stay a surprise until the day that they’re born so every time you go to your appointment, he makes sure to say no gender please when he enters the room by now all of thenurses, assistance, doctors they all say the most proud father they have ever met, whose baby isn’t even born yet it’s very charming.

He has definitely put in paternity leave already for when after you give birth so he doesn’t even have to worry about going back in to work so soon because he wants to help you out at home once the baby arrives.

When you guys do laundry, definitely separate some clothes into your pile because he knows those are most comfortable for you now. He also loves seeing how big his clothes were on you and how your bump would poke out of his clothes.

Whenever you guys do go to bed, he has a ritual where he says good night to both of you, you eat get kisses good night and I don’t mean a single kiss I mean being smothered by his kisses. Also, he likes to shower with you before bed to help relax you. He massages and washes your back and he goes few too many times over your bump because he likes to feel it

Night and if you ask him what he’s doing, he’ll tell you that he’s having a private conversation with your baby 

But you do pretend to be asleep so that you can hear these infamous conversations, and you were nearly caught because you had a hold in your sniffs because you just want to cry after hearing what he said

“ we are so excited for you to come. I think I’m more excited than Mommy is….. you’re going to love her. She’s amazing, she’s smart and she’s pretty. I hope you have her eyes, and her cute nose, and I hope you laugh like her too…”

3rd trimester

With this pregnancy you showed very little in the first half but now that you’re in the third trimester you really started showing it was like one day you had a little bloating and now it’s like a full-blown baby bump and it was like a huge change for you

he adjusts his cooking for your cravings and what your scene of smell can handle, but he makes sure everything is nutritious and makes sure you take your prenatal vitamins with your meals.

yes, he will get up at 5 am and make you a grill cheese with some chips on the side if that's what he princess wants

But this also means that the baby has started kicking! Every chance he gets Noah is touching your bump (when isn’t he??)

Definitely tried to provoke the kicks and innocent forgets that it kinda hurts you "wow babe did you see that one? That was a huge stretch"

"Yeah, felt it too"

He is also the only one who can get the baby to relax when you couldn't sleep or even sit still because of the kicking and moving and there are 2 version! When he's loving and more strict about it

"hey, hey, hey what's with the party? Having a dance party in there huh? How about let mama sleep for first, then you can party okay?"

Or

"hey, it's 3 am, your mom is overstimulated and needs sleep, which means you should sleep too,"

He lathers you in coco butter and lotion after your showers and massages your hips, back and feet

10/10 pregnancy because he made it barrable

Birth

I've said this somewhere and can't remember where, your pregnancy went according to the due date.

Labor started the day before your due date and delivery was on the day of the due date you were given. Baby, right on time!

Noah had your hospital bag packed and near the hall closet near the door, packed with EVERYTHING you'd need. Towels, clothes, shoes, socks, snacks, chargers, camera, extra underwear, his clothes also if you wanted them instead, hair and skin products, EVERYTHING

Now Noah has done his research and is knowing what to expect for labor. Yes, he watched birthing videos, however while you were pushing he peaked and you SWEAR this man became paler

"A-are you okay-"

"fine. Just focus on breathing okay?" despite his shock or nerves, the main focus was on YOU and the baby,

holds your hand, ties up your hair, gives you water, and anything you asked for

P A I N, because you thought it would be a good idea to experience "raw natural birth" but unfortunately once you broke it was a bit too late for any medication. You were honestly ready to punch Noah for saying

"Should have taken it when we got here," he was joking but he was honestly very anxious about the pain you were feeling burr he knew you needed him to be your support

"Come on baby you got this" "good job, take your time, you're doing great" "You're so strong Y/N...you're almost there"

Once the baby is born and crying NOAH IS CRYING

IT'S A BOY. You're crying and Noah is kissing your head and just spilling his guts out "Baby you did amazing!" "I'm so proud of you Y/N" "He's so perfect Y/N,"

Now you had discussed that if it was boy you would honor his best friend Keaton by giving him his name. You thought it was just so sweet and meaningful and you knew it would be so important to Noah you saw nothing better than that

Keaton was born in late October, so he is born as the next Sassy Sebastion Scorpio as discussed with @darling-millicent-aubrey

Noah constantly says he isn't crying but he is, while you're resting he's just admiring Keaton and speaking to him softly

"hey buddy...oh look at you, kinda feel bad you looks like me more than your mom, but you're so perfect....I love you Keaton.....so much"

And you? Ugh....when he'd look at you, all he'd see was an absolute champion, a goddess...his wife and best friend who had just went through something so big like pregnancy and labor to bring your son into the world

"Y/N....thank you," he caresses your hand with his thumb while he held Keaton in his other arm "Thank you so much baby.....I love you."

「🍼taglist」: @badomensls @darling-millicent-aubrey @lma1986 @sanchez099 @steh-lar-uh-nuhs @flowery-mess @veronicaphoenix @malerieee

[aois-amaterasu-painting]

13th anniversary pamphlet interviews (2015)

Ruki

Interviewer: I’d like to explore how RUKI from 13 years ago and the RUKI of today have changed. Looking back now, how do you feel about yourself when the GazettE first formed?

RUKI: Looking back, I might not have had much of a clear vision at that time. I think I acted more impulsively back then than I do now. I was probably just charging forward without really knowing what was right or cool. Of course, I had my own idea of what "cool" was in my head, but when I actually did things, I often found myself thinking, "Whoa, this isn’t it." Back then, it was mostly just about wanting to be in a band. I didn’t have a set concept or a clear direction like I do now. Although I was approaching adulthood in terms of age, I was still very much a kid.

Interviewer: But, in reality, you don’t just become an adult overnight at a coming-of-age ceremony, right?

RUKI: Exactly, it doesn’t work like that. The coming-of-age ceremony is kind of like being forced into adulthood through a ritual. I attended mine, too—though it was only because my parents told me to (laughs). Back then, I had long, platinum blond hair. The ceremony was held in a banquet hall at a local hotel. A lot of my local friends were there, including some who had been rebels but were now going to college. Naturally, I stood out. Everyone was asking, "Are you still doing the band thing?" (laughs). And to top it off, it was the same day that my previous band had disbanded. So, I was in a pretty bad mood, feeling like I didn’t fit in with society and was still stuck doing this band thing.

Interviewer: In situations like that, you become more aware of how far removed you are from the average path in life, right?

RUKI: Exactly. Normally, I don’t think about those things. Now, it doesn’t bother me as much because I’m making a living (laughs). But back then, I had no money, my band had broken up, I had blond hair… It was quite a situation (laughs).

Interviewer: When starting the GazettE, you all mentioned that you intended it to be your last band. Were you serious about that at the time?

RUKI: We all said, ‘We’ll make this band last long.’ After all, we hadn’t managed to keep a single band together for more than a year. Even after we started playing at live houses, it was the same. The longest we lasted was about eight months.

Yes, we were serious about it. Back then, we’d dissolved several bands in a short time. When the band I was in before my coming-of-age ceremony broke up, people even laughed and said, ‘Again?’ Because of things like that, I decided the next band would be my last—no matter what happened.

Interviewer: That’s probably because, at the time, you didn’t have a clear idea of what you wanted to do, right?

RUKI: Yeah. Back then, unlike now, I felt like I wouldn’t survive unless I reflected the times more blatantly. If there was a type of band that was trending, all the bands with a similar style would also be popular. So, back then, the idea was to join that trend, and if you became the best within that framework, you’d make it big. There were a lot of bands that were eccentric and extreme, kind of like the trend back then. And when someone created a new movement, everyone would just shift to that new style.

Interviewer: What kind of direction were you aiming for at that time?

RUKI: Hmm... To put it simply, I just wanted to be in the most intense band around. I didn’t care much about melody or songs back then (laughs). As long as we were the most aggressive, that was enough. Everyone around us was aiming for that too, and our seniors had that same vibe. It was all about how wild or intense your band could be. So, if someone from the older generation did a crazy performance, I’d be thinking about how we could top it. We kept repeating that pattern.

Interviewer: In a way, you were trying to become something extreme. Despite the short-lived nature of your past bands and your hometown friends moving on to become working adults, was there ever a point where you considered quitting band activities?

RUKI: No, I never thought about quitting. I figured if I gave up music, I’d probably end up homeless (laughs). I mentioned that in interviews back then too. I couldn’t really imagine doing a proper job, and I had a strong feeling inside of me like, “I don’t want to live a normal life!”

Interviewer: You didn’t want a life where you wore a suit and went to the office every day?

RUKI: Yeah, I still feel that way today. It just doesn’t suit me. I absolutely hated the idea of living an ordinary life, and I was like, "That’s not who I am!" Looking back, I guess that’s pretty chūnibyō (middle-school syndrome) of me (laughs).

Interviewer: For example, did your parents let you live freely and follow your own path?

RUKI: No, not at all. Actually, I was disowned (laughs). I think it happened sometime after the coming-of-age ceremony. Simply put, I wasn’t coming home at all. I was always with the band members. The truth is I ended up cutting up the clothes my parents got for me for the coming-of-age ceremony and turning them into stage outfits. That was the trigger. They told me, "Get out!" and I was like, "Fine, I’ll leave" (laughs). So, because of that, I was in a situation where I couldn’t really go back.

Interviewer: So practically speaking, you didn’t even have a home to go back to, meaning you had no choice but to keep going with the band.

RUKI: Exactly. By that point, I was already in this band, but I thought, if I fail at this, I’m done for. I even wondered if I’d just die like this. That’s the kind of young person I was (laughs).

Interviewer: I’m glad you didn’t fail (laughs). But did you ever think of a backup plan, like what you’d do if the band didn’t work out?

RUKI: No, I didn’t think there was any way we could fail. I never had any doubts. For example, in the band I was in just before this one, we consistently had about 90 people coming to our shows, which was a pretty decent number at the time. Back then, if you could do a one-man show at Rokumeikan, you were seen as a monster band (laughs). But when we started the GazettE, we had 6 or 7 people in the audience. Our lowest number was 6. At that time, I was the one holding the band's phone, so I handled ticket reservations. I didn’t need to ask anyone—I knew exactly how many tickets were being sold, and that number just kept going down. But even then, I had this feeling of, "We’re not just this. We’re more than this!" I think that belief in our success came from some kind of confidence.

Interviewer: It’s like something out of a manga, like Yamikin Ushijima-kun, where young people say, "I’m more than this. The world just hasn’t realized how amazing I am yet." Did you feel the same way?

RUKI: No. Those kinds of people in manga say things like that without actually doing anything. In my case, I was doing things, but it just wasn’t working out. For example, I’d think I was performing a certain way, but when I checked the footage afterward, it didn’t look like that at all. There were tons of things that needed improvement. I had just switched from drums to vocals, so I started singing at karaoke-level without knowing anything about stage presence. So, I spent time studying, watching other people's performances, trying to absorb things, and experimenting. It took me way too long to really get those things down, so it made sense that we didn’t have much popularity back then (laughs). But even so, I felt like, if I could get my act together, we’d definitely become something incredible. There was always a part of me that believed in myself.

Interviewer: So, you knew what you wanted to do was right, but you just couldn’t quite execute it yet.

RUKI: Exactly. I didn’t have the knowledge to raise my level to where it needed to be. I’d never been a roadie for anyone, and I didn’t have any senior mentors to rely on. So, it was tough. But when I stood on stage at a live house, I believed I could become like LUNA SEA or Hide. I had that much confidence, but when I watched the live footage, it was completely different from what I had imagined. I was always thinking about how to close that gap between reality and my ideal.

Interviewer: So, you were constantly working on narrowing that gap.

RUKI: That’s right. Even now, there are still aspects of that. Even if I didn’t excel in a certain area, as long as I could compare myself to someone and think, "I’m better than this guy," that was good enough for me. No matter what others said, as long as I felt like I was winning internally, that was all that mattered. That went on for a long time, even after we started performing at larger venues. But then, when I met the people I admired, I realized, "Oh, I’m not the same as them." I’d think, "It’s pointless to chase after this person." I had been chasing an ideal for so long that my way of thinking was still like a kid’s. I realized that just following in someone’s footsteps wouldn’t let me surpass them, and I’d just end up becoming more like them. When I got the chance to meet the people I admired, like Kiyoharu or RYUICHI, I started to realize, "This isn’t what I’m looking for in terms of what’s cool." That’s when my mindset started to change drastically.

Interviewer: After all, even the people you admired, the ones who were your role models, were likely chasing after someone themselves at one point.

RUKI: Yeah, but back then, whenever someone pointed that out, I’d try to deny it. If someone said I was copying someone, I’d completely reject that. But now, I can accept that as part of my past. If someone says I resemble someone, I can fully agree with them now.

Interviewer: Originality isn’t always something you’re born with. Sometimes it starts with imitating someone, and through that process, you find your own path and eventually create something unique.

RUKI: Exactly. But I still feel like the people who invent something new are the ones who reach the top. It’s like that in any genre. The people who stand out are always the coolest. However I realized that instead of just mimicking those people, I had to come to the conclusion that "I am who I am."

Interviewer: In that sense, it might have been fortunate that you got the chance to meet the people you admired relatively early on, right?

RUKI: Yeah, I think so too. Meeting people is really important in that way.

Interviewer: From around the age of 20, during the next 10 to 15 years, people go through significant changes, even in a normal life. In a way, it’s a period where your future is largely shaped. Looking at it from that perspective, do you think the current RUKI, as a person outside of music, is different from the RUKI back then?

RUKI: I think I’ve changed. It’s like there were stages of growth... For example, when I first met RYUICHI, I thought it was cool to act aloof and edgy. Even the image I projected in photos—I thought that was fine. I believed being aloof and saying things you shouldn’t say was what being "rock" was all about. But when I met RYUICHI, I thought, "Wow, what a calm and open-hearted person!" It was this sense of ease and composure, I guess. The common thread among all the senior artists I met was their sense of ease. In contrast, the seniors who were closer to us in age acted really superior. The ones just one year older than us were so edgy. But the seniors who were way ahead of us had this air of calm, and it just made me sigh in awe (laughs).

Interviewer: So, did you suddenly become kinder to your juniors the day after realizing that?

RUKI: (Laughs) No, but it did make me start thinking about things differently. I think my words and how I spoke in interviews started to change too. Once I realized there are so many different ways of thinking in the world, I understood that, yes, expressing your own opinions boldly is important, but there’s a big difference between saying something just because it sounds cool and saying it after really thinking about it. When I look back at my old interview articles, I sometimes cringe at what I said. As someone who has reflected on my past, there are parts of my old self that I can’t forgive (laughs). But at the time, I thought that was the way to be, so I guess I was just doing what I thought was right.

Interviewer: So when you were acting edgy, did you also keep some distance from your fans and others, and in a way, look down on them a bit?

RUKI: Yeah, that’s right. But even then, our popularity was still rising, so it became hard to stop (laughs). Still, before it got out of hand, meeting people like RYUICHI and other seniors made me realize, "Oh, this isn’t the way to go." I realized I needed to stay humble. Of course, in terms of public image, it's okay to maintain that aloof, hard-to-approach vibe. But in reality, people who seem that way often have a completely different side to them behind the scenes. That was a big change for me. It made me think, “I wasn’t originally like this, was I?” It’s not like I’m playing a character called "RUKI" or anything, but... In the end, I wanted to be someone who exuded confidence, so I spoke confidently, even to the point where I’d sometimes say things that I later wanted to stop myself from saying (laughs). And sometimes, I’d even direct that attitude towards the fans.

Interviewer: There are probably fans who liked that version of RUKI, but realizing "this isn't the real me" must have made you feel more comfortable, right?

RUKI: Yeah. Actually, the second turning point came when I met Kiyoharu. It might sound strange, but I realized there are people who are purely rock, and then there are those who have a bit of a showbiz vibe. There’s a difference between a celebrity and a band member, and I never thought of myself as being on the showbiz side. Talking with Kiyoharu made me realize that. Kiyoharu is incredibly rock, right? Watching him, I started wanting to become the kind of person I envisioned back when I didn’t even know where the line between rock and showbiz was. In that sense, Hide was close to my ideal. I never got the chance to meet him, so he remained kind of like a dream for me, but the way he thought, his eccentricity, and his approach to various things were all really inspiring to me.

Interviewer: I see. It’s hard to imagine what RUKI will be doing 10 or 20 years from now, but some people can quit music without any regrets, while others are happy as long as they stay involved with music in some way. But in your case, I get the feeling that you’ll always stick with music and the band.

RUKI: Yeah, I think so. I have no desire to do solo work at all. I can only throw myself into the band. What I want to do is create music that I think is cool, and when the other members also think it’s cool, we can do it together. I think that’s the style I like. Plus, someone else can do what I can’t, and that’s one of the great things about being in a band. If I were doing everything on my own, even if I managed to create something cool and felt proud of it, that’s where it would end. So, even if, by some chance, this band were to break up... Actually, instead of thinking about that possibility, I’d rather focus on making sure the band doesn’t break up (laughs).

Interviewer: Definitely (laughs). In fact, there are quite a few cases where solo activities have triggered a band's breakup, and I think you've seen such examples in the past. Do you think that reality has held you back from pursuing solo work?

RUKI: Honestly, yes. I know how shocking it can be when that happens. Right now, what we as a band want and what our fans want are aligned, so things are good... but for me, I just want to keep going with this style. In that sense, I really admire BUCK-TICK. There's no other band that has stuck to their style for so long without giving off any sense of being forced to do it. They continue as BUCK-TICK naturally, not out of sheer stubbornness, but because it feels right for them. That's something I aspire to. On the other hand, what's not good are the bands that are completely transparent.

Interviewer: What do you mean by "transparent"?

RUKI: For example... and I don’t mean to speak badly, but bands where you can easily imagine them declining. I’m not talking about specific seniors, so don’t misunderstand me (laughs). But you often see bands that sacrifice something really important because they’re too focused on immediate gains or rewards. For me, those kinds of bands feel like they lack a solid foundation. When I look at those bands, even if they're in the same scene, I feel like we're something different. We were never focused on just the short-term. We were always aiming higher, and I always had a strong desire to surpass our seniors. Going forward, we want to keep challenging ourselves and expanding, and we want to continue being a band that’s “happening” (laughs). If we can do that, then no matter where the current trends are going, I think we’ll be able to create something uniquely ours and remain the most interesting.

Interviewer: For instance, at your current age, I’m sure there are no physical limitations on what you want to do musically...

RUKI: No, not at all, not yet.

Interviewer: But do you ever worry about how things will change as you get older?

RUKI: No, I don’t. Honestly, I’ve never thought about it. However, there was a senior musician who once told me, "As you age, it might be better to shift your music in a direction that fits." When I heard that, I thought, "I’m definitely different from this person!" (laughs). To me, that way of thinking just isn’t rock. Nowadays, it feels like rock has become more like an athlete's mindset. You train, do vocal exercises, work out your body, and then perform live. It’s almost like that kind of routine is considered cool.

Interviewer: It feels like that kind of strictness or discipline has become a sort of barometer, right?

RUKI: Exactly. But that’s not what I’m after. What I find stoic is more like, "What’s this guy thinking? I can’t figure him out." It's about how deeply you can pursue the darker aspects. For me, being stoic means constantly having your antenna tuned to those things. Of course, taking care of your body is important, but that’s something you can just do quietly, without making a big deal out of it (laughs).

Interviewer: True (laughs). Now that I think about it, no one in this band seems to be the type to go around saying, "Look how hard I’m working."

RUKI: Yeah. I just don't like that kind of sports-club vibe. For example, if MORRIE started talking about his workout routine in an interview, wouldn’t that feel a bit off? Like, "Sorry, could you just stick to talking about the dark stuff?" (laughs). Not that I’d ever say that to him, of course (laughs). So yeah, it's fine if someone wants to work out. It’s good for your health, and there’s nothing wrong with it. But still…

Interviewer: So if your bandmates started hitting the gym regularly, you wouldn’t try to stop them?

RUKI: No, I wouldn’t stop them. I’d probably just think, "Wow, that’s impressive. They’re really working hard." Ultimately, it's all about mindset. Especially for a vocalist. You don’t need to show off that you’re working out or tell people about it. Plus, there's this thought of, "Can someone so healthy really convey a 'negative' song?" (laughs).

Interviewer: But you're not saying something extreme like, "I never take care of my throat, and I go on stage wrecked because that’s rock," right?

RUKI: Exactly. At the end of the day, no one teaches you how to shout properly. But you can’t just hold back on shouting because you’re afraid of damaging your throat. That kind of thinking applies to everything, I believe. That's the essence of putting your life on the line for this. Of course, we all take precautions, care for ourselves, and train, but we don’t feel the need to talk about it.

Interviewer: So secretly, are you doing any muscle training yourself?

RUKI: No, I'm not (laughs). I might do a few sit-ups here and there. But you know how people who are trying to build muscle always seem to show it off too much? I’d rather they just do it quietly. If I can look at them and think, "Oh, they’ve really put in the work," that’s fine. But I don’t want to be thinking, "Oh no, they’ve gone too far in that direction!" (laughs). But, well, it’s all about training in a way that fits your style. But yeah, in our case, the main movements on stage are things like headbanging (laughs).

Interviewer: Then maybe you should focus on strengthening just your neck (laughs).

RUKI: Honestly, when I go to the chiropractor, they always ask, “Why is your neck so muscular?” (laughs). It seems like only my neck has developed in an abnormal way. But when I see older musicians still going strong, I feel like we can't afford to stop either.

Interviewer: This conversation has taken a bit of a turn (laughs), but in any case, being in a band has its time limits. Eventually, it has to end. Have you thought about what comes after that?

RUKI: I think it’s fine to do whatever you want. Whether that’s continuing as a vocalist or composing music, both are options. But I don’t want to work behind the scenes. When I imagine myself in my 50s or 60s, I do wonder, “What would still look cool for me to be doing?” But I can’t picture myself behind the scenes. I definitely want to stay out front. Nowadays, there are people in their 50s who are still active in the music scene, so I think it’s really up to me.

Interviewer: Do you ever meet up or talk with old friends from outside the music industry, like childhood or local friends?

RUKI: Hardly ever. But I’ve heard from others that they still talk about me, like, “He’s still in a band, huh?” They hear things like, “I guess he’s performing at big venues,” stuff like that. Among people my age, some are already very grown-up, with a bit of gray hair starting to show.

Interviewer: Some have lots of kids, while others have been divorced more than once.

RUKI: Yeah, probably (laughs). But honestly, I don’t envy any of them. I still don’t feel any longing for a “normal” life. Going to an office at a set time every day, working late even if there’s no overtime pay... I do think that’s amazing and respect people who can do it. But it’s not for me. I prefer creating things. I’d rather shape my own ideas than work under someone else. So, in that sense, maybe I still don’t quite fit into society (laughs). I’m not chasing stability yet, and though there’s no guarantee for the future, I’m also not getting distracted by short-term concerns. In that way, I don’t feel like I want to become a “normal adult” at this point. It reassures me that I didn’t make the wrong choice.

Uruha

Interviewer: I have the impression that the GazettE tends to hold anniversary live shows at significant milestones. What are your thoughts on this, Uruha?

Uruha: Hmm, I’m not really sure. For example, during our 10th anniversary, none of the members really intended to make a big deal out of it. If anything, we just wanted to handle it smoothly, and that’s how we approached the 10th-anniversary show. But now, three years have passed, and with the 11th and 12th anniversaries being somewhat part of the tours, and last year being entirely dedicated to our fan club tour, this year’s 13th anniversary feels like we want to showcase the culmination of what we did last year.

Interviewer: So this year's Budokan show feels like the culmination of last year’s work?

Uruha: It’s not exactly the tour finale, but emotionally it’s connected to last year. We’re not really the kind of band that celebrates anniversaries all that much, but this 13th-anniversary show is definitely grounded in everything we did last year.

Interviewer: Last year’s activities were pretty extreme for a typical band, don’t you think?

Uruha: Yes, that’s true (laughs).

Interviewer: I remember at the beginning of last year, I received a short email from the label, and it said, “There are no releases scheduled this year. That’s all.” (laughs) It was the first time the band focused solely on live performances without releasing any music, right?

Uruha: Yes, exactly. But the decision to not release anything came after we had been putting out albums almost every year. And although we don’t like to admit it, we had reached a point where we felt a bit worn down.

Interviewer: Worn down within the band?

Uruha: Ideally, we want to always have ideas flowing, things we want to do. But, even though we were still creating songs, we found ourselves moving on to the next thing before fully digesting the previous work. That cycle kept repeating. So we began to feel a strong desire to take more time to fully absorb what we wanted to express. That’s when we decided to take a break from releases for a year. After we released the last album, when we were thinking about what to do the next year, we questioned whether we could keep up with the usual cycle of releasing an album every year.

Interviewer: The routine of releasing an album followed by a tour had become the norm?

Uruha: That’s part of it, yes. And after releasing an album and touring once, it’s usually only by the tour finale that the songs really settle within us. In other words, we had been feeling for quite a while that we wanted more time to fully engage with our music.

Interviewer: So it’s not a new feeling.

Uruha: Yes. And because we were stuck in that cycle, we hadn’t been able to properly dedicate time to our fan club. So, we decided to stop releasing anything for a year and focus solely on the fan club tour. Plus, we thought a standing tour, where we could reflect on our past, would be a good idea. We felt that through that process, we’d be able to rediscover what we truly wanted to do moving forward. It was an important year for us. Of course, it’s not something many bands are allowed to do. There's a lot of risk involved.

Interviewer: That’s true. From the outside, it might have looked like you were on a hiatus. Were you worried that people might forget about the band or that you’d lose relevance?

Uruha: No, the bigger concern for us was continuing on that same cycle. I thought the real risk was the band wearing itself down, losing something vital. But the only people who can truly understand those concerns are the members themselves. The management or the record label would naturally wonder why we weren’t releasing anything. But only the members can grasp the risk of the band burning out.

Interviewer: I see. After taking that year off, did you find yourselves comparing the band now to how you were in the past? Did you notice any differences?

Uruha: Yeah... compared to when we first started, we’ve definitely developed different methods and ways of thinking about our music. Back then, we’d often hit roadblocks and struggle to figure out how to proceed with songs. We were creating everything purely based on instinct. But now, we’ve learned different approaches, bit by bit, over time.

Interviewer: How did you approach songwriting back then? Did you jam in the studio to create songs?

Uruha: No, we’d start by using equipment to program basic sounds. That’s how we worked. Of course, the quality of the equipment back then was nowhere near what it is today—it was pretty rough. But we’d program the sounds, listen to them together, and go from there.

Interviewer: So even back then, you didn’t go into the studio for pre-production?

Uruha: Yeah, we didn’t use the studio for pre-production. So, on the actual recording day, we’d be hearing the song for the first time in the studio, and then it was like, "Okay, so what do we do now?" We’d figure it out on the spot, going with the flow.

Interviewer: That method was probably pretty unusual at the time, wasn’t it?

Uruha: Yeah, it was. We’ve never used the traditional method of jamming in the studio to create songs. Of course, we’d go to the studio for practice, but not to write songs. Back then, we couldn’t even afford studio fees, and we didn’t have the skills to jam and create on the spot.

Interviewer: So the typical experience of starting a band with that rush of “we’re amazing!” energy from playing together in a studio wasn’t something this band experienced?

Uruha: No, I’d already gone through that phase during high school. After that, we were trying to form a band that we really wanted, but it was tough to make it work as we envisioned. At that time, just being able to form a band and play together was an achievement. But even if we managed to form one, there would be no audience at our shows, or members would leave quickly, so it wouldn’t last. We were barely managing to keep the band going. Figuring out what kind of songs to make and how to create them came after that. It took us a long time to even reach that point.

Interviewer: And then you finally formed the GazettE.

Uruha: That's right. Initially, it was just me, Reita, and Ruki looking for other members, and that’s how we found Aoi. We had a different drummer back then, so the GazettE started with those five members. Our main goal at the time was simply to make a living off the band.

Interviewer: Did you have bigger dreams, like becoming a rock star or, in your case, maybe a guitar hero?

Uruha: The reason I started playing guitar in the first place was because of LUNA SEA. I wanted to be in a band like them and stand on the Tokyo Dome stage. But as we continued with the band, we became more aware of reality, and the first goal shifted to just being able to survive off of our music. We just wanted to make it to the starting line.

Interviewer: You and Reita have been childhood friends, and I think that connection forms a fundamental part of the GazettE. The band didn’t just start from a musical connection, but from a deeper relationship.

Uruha: Yeah, that’s right. It wasn’t just about the music—it was more about the people. The other members didn’t join as close friends, but still, the human connection was a big part of the band.

Interviewer: Even if a band starts out with members as friends, over time, it can become difficult to maintain that friendship. Do you feel that way?

Uruha: Yes, that definitely happens.

Interviewer: Have you ever found the changes in your relationships with the members difficult or painful?

Uruha: Of course... I think everyone experiences that at some point. It might happen at different times for each person, but it’s something that comes around regularly.

Interviewer: How do you handle it when those feelings arise?

Uruha: For me... when I feel stress or frustration toward a member, I try to shift my perspective and not take everything they say too personally. That way, I can avoid letting the frustration build up.

Interviewer: So, you try not to take things said to you at face value?

Uruha: Exactly. If you take everything head-on, you’ll just end up getting angry. Instead, I try to think, “Why did they say that?” or “What can I do so they won’t say that again?” Then I look for ways to improve myself. But at first, it was really hard to change my thinking like that. There were times when I’d get so frustrated, I’d think, “I’m done with this” or “I don’t want to talk to this person anymore.” I think that happens to everyone in a band. But if you keep thinking that way, you’ll eventually stop talking to each other altogether, if you just keep that up, the band really will end. Both the band and the people in it will fall apart.

Interviewer: So that’s why you decided to change your mindset?

Uruha: Yeah. In the past, even if I was frustrated with the members, we were always stuck together—like when we traveled in the equipment van. So even if you didn’t want to, you had to deal with it, which actually helped resolve things. You had to talk to each other eventually, because there was no avoiding it. But once we joined a management company and started moving separately or traveling separately, we saw each other less. That made it easy to avoid conversations when things were tense, which, I think, is how bands start to fall apart.

Interviewer: By the way, are you the type who doesn’t say what you’re thinking?

Uruha: Yeah, I tend to hold things in. I’m the kind of person who doesn’t express emotions on the spot. It might be easier to just say what’s on my mind sometimes, but I’d rather take a step back and think about it before saying something I can’t take back.

Interviewer: So, you bottle up your frustrations?

Uruha: I do. But I think people who speak out immediately might regret it later too. For me, I’m the type who tries not to bother others as much as possible.

Interviewer: So, that’s how you’ve always been, even before joining this band?

Uruha: Yeah, I guess you could say I’m not exactly the aggressive type (laughs).

Interviewer: But on stage, you come across as pretty intense, don’t you? (laughs)

Uruha: Yeah, it's strange... When I’m on stage, I can bring out that side of me, and I actually enjoy it. Since I’m not like that off stage, it’s fun to do something so different up there. When the performance is well-planned and the atmosphere is carefully crafted, it’s easier for me to bring out that side of myself.

Interviewer: That’s interesting. Were you aware of this side of yourself when you started the band?

Uruha: No, not at all.

Interviewer: More like, "I want to be like SUGIZO!"?

Uruha: Exactly (laughs). I definitely had this idea of how I wanted to be, but people always said I was quiet. I didn’t talk much. Honestly, I never thought I’d end up in a band.

Interviewer: And now, here you are on stage, in makeup (laughs).

Uruha: (laughs) Yeah. I’ve never been the type to be loud or attention-seeking. I used to play soccer, but I always hated being watched. So it still feels strange to me.

Interviewer: And now, you’ve been in this career, being watched by people for over 10 years (laughs).

Uruha: I know. Even now, I sometimes think, "Yeah, I’m still not good at this." I love playing guitar, so I can enjoy being in front of people, but if it’s something like radio or TV without any music involved, I immediately think, "Yeah, I’m not good at this."

Interviewer: Even now, you’re still uncomfortable?

Uruha: It’s not so much that I’m uncomfortable, but I don’t really enjoy it. If I could find something enjoyable in it, I think I’d be fine, but I just don’t like it very much. Because of that, I get more exhausted than necessary, and I feel tense. It’s like... I’m just a passive person (laughs).

Interviewer: So how do you feel about a passive person like yourself standing on stage at Tokyo Dome?

Uruha: It really makes me think that the only reason I’m able to perform on a stage like that is because of the band, the GazettE. When I'm doing band activities, I don't feel like I'm doing something I'm bad at. It's more like I get so caught up in how fun it is that I forget about my discomfort. I think that's why I’m able to keep doing this. If I lost that, then I think I'd lose the reason for being in a band.

Interviewer: So, despite your discomfort, do you think this band has helped you overcome those insecurities?

Uruha: ...If anything, it’s the opposite.

Interviewer: The opposite? What do you mean?

Uruha: I feel like back in the day, I could do things without even thinking about them. Even during TV or radio recordings, I wasn’t fazed at all—or rather, I didn’t really feel anything. But as the band got bigger—especially after we played Tokyo Dome—I started feeling a lot of stress from it.

Interviewer: That’s a pretty recent thing, isn't it? (laughs)

Uruha: (laughs) Yeah, right? There was even a period where I became mentally unstable, and I couldn’t figure out why. I’d think, "Why am I so nervous?" Even for TV recordings that I used to do with no problem, I’d get extremely anxious.

Interviewer: Do you know what caused it?

Uruha: I don’t know, but I think I was in a really unstable place. Looking back now, it might have been because I was bottling up a lot of things. I still don’t fully understand my own mental mechanisms (laughs).

Interviewer: Do you think it’s because of all the things you’ve been holding in without expressing?

Uruha: Maybe. It might have taken a toll on me mentally, even though I wasn’t aware of it. I was always focused on how to fix any problems with the band. I was constantly thinking, "How can I make the band better?" And I guess without realizing it, I was suppressing myself too much. I didn’t know how to reset or release those feelings.

Interviewer: What things you think you were most anxious about during that period?

Uruha: I’m not sure...

Interviewer: Was it related to your role in the band, like questioning your own purpose?

Uruha: I still think about my purpose, even now. After Tokyo Dome, I was thinking a lot about my value. The band was growing, the fans were growing, and so were the people around us, but I started wondering, "Am I really doing what I want to do?" And, "What do the fans appreciate about me?" Once I started questioning those things, I felt completely lost. I even questioned whether what I was doing was truly what I wanted to do, and I started thinking about why I even exist. I still sometimes think about that.

Interviewer: It sounds like you were trapped in a state where you couldn’t find any answers.

Uruha: Yeah, there’s no exit. And yet, when I’d go drinking with the other members, we’d always end up having those kinds of conversations. I often think about it before going to bed.

Interviewer: Isn't that exhausting? You’re supposed to be doing this because it’s fun, but then you end up wondering why you have to go through such difficult emotions.

Uruha: It is. Of course, being in a band isn’t always fun. There are plenty of times when it’s not fun at all, and when that happens, trying to figure out how to make it enjoyable gets really complicated.

Interviewer: I can imagine that kind of mental strain could really wear someone down...

Uruha: That's true. In a way, quitting or breaking up the band could be seen as a kind of self-defense, a way of protecting yourself by escaping. I think there's that side to it.

Interviewer: So, why do you think you've been able to keep going without quitting?

Uruha: It's because the band is everything to me; it's my whole life. That's why I don’t run away... or rather, I can't. The idea of quitting doesn't even exist for me. But that also makes it tough.

Interviewer: When you first started the band, you probably didn't imagine that being in a band could be this tough, right?

Uruha: Yeah, at the beginning, I never thought about things like that, not even a little bit. Especially when we first played at Budokan... back then, I was thinking, "How far can we go?" At that time, I just wanted to see the limits of what we could achieve.

Interviewer: That's probably something only a band that made it to the Tokyo Dome could think about.

Uruha: Looking back, I think I was pretty naive then. I was measuring the band's potential only by the size of the venues we could fill. It just shows how little experience we had at the time. Of course, venue capacity is important, but I think we were too fixated on it. So, while making it to the Tokyo Dome was great, I realized afterward that I hadn’t really gained much from it. Sure, having the experience of playing there is amazing, and I can still remember the feeling from back then, but when I try to analyze what it really meant or what it achieved, it’s hard to put into words, even now.

Interviewer: So, you expected that once you reached the Dome, there would be something more beyond it.

Uruha: Yeah... I think that’s probably true.

Interviewer: Maybe you thought you’d change as a person—like you'd overcome your tendency to overthink or suppress your emotions. That your life itself might change.

Uruha: I think I definitely had those thoughts. Like, "Once I play at the Tokyo Dome, my life will change," or "I’ll live this glorious life." But... in reality, nothing changed at all. There wasn’t any big shift within myself either.

Interviewer: Instead, you realized how heavy the burdens you were carrying really were.

Uruha: Exactly. I think I had just been charging ahead, too focused on reaching the Dome. Now, I almost feel like I want to do it again—this time, step by step, steadily moving forward. I want to really think through each show, feel everything properly, and answer each question within myself as we progress toward the Tokyo Dome again. If I could do that, maybe I’d feel like I’ve changed. Maybe the band would see something different as well. So... I really want to do it again.

Interviewer: I see... Can I share something I’ve been thinking while listening to you?

Uruha: Sure, go ahead.

Interviewer: I understand your desire to take things steadily and to approach each step thoughtfully. But don’t you think the reason the GazettE has continued is because you’ve always charged ahead recklessly, relying on momentum and passion?

Uruha: Yeah... that’s true.

Interviewer: If you had stopped to think and search for answers after each step, the band might have lost momentum and ended. Isn’t that just the kind of band you are?

Uruha: Yeah... yeah... you're right. Even though I’m saying this now, I know our values and driving force were really about momentum. But... I guess I've kind of forgotten that at some point. Maybe I’ve become more cautious. The fact that we played venues like Budokan and Makuhari Messe, and even made it to the Tokyo Dome, was probably just pure “guts”... It sounds kind of silly to say it that way, though (laughs).

Interviewer: No, but it's true, isn’t it? (laughs)

Uruha: Yeah.

Interviewer: In other words, it was that intensity of passion. You just threw away hesitation and doubt and kept running forward.

Uruha: Right. So now, even though I say I want to move forward steadily, I realize that I really can't. Momentum is really important—I'm realizing that now.

Interviewer: You’ve always been the type to think deeply and worry about a lot of things.

Uruha: Yeah, that’s true.

Interviewer: And, to be more specific, you’re probably not that fond of yourself. You tend to focus on the parts of yourself you don’t like.

Uruha: I’m definitely a bit negative.

Interviewer: But I think the band is a place that makes you forget all of that. It’s like the band validates you as you are.

Uruha: That’s exactly it.

Interviewer: I think it’s because the band gives you things that your usual self doesn’t have—like momentum and determination. It’s what keeps you going when you would normally stop to think too much.

Uruha: Yeah... When I'm on stage, it really feels that way. Even though I try to play everything carefully and precisely, once I’m having fun, I just get caught up in the moment, and I end up running to the front of the stage, and my playing suffers because of it. I know that’s not ideal, and that I should keep my emotions in check and play calmly. But... I think what’s been supporting me all this time on stage has been the band’s momentum. I realize that now.

Interviewer: After the Dome, you said you had a lot on your mind. That’s probably because you’d been running on pure momentum with the band up until then.

Uruha: And... I think I started to misunderstand things once we saw the Dome on the horizon. I started thinking, "We need to sell more," or, "We need more attention." Up until then, we’d made it that far on pure momentum, but as soon as we saw the Dome coming, we started playing it safe. But in the end, playing it safe wasn’t really in line with what the GazettE was all about. I think that realization, and our own naivety, piled up and affected us.

Interviewer: That reaction to the Dome experience was reflected in the song “VORTEX,” right?

Uruha: Yeah, exactly. The idea of “we’re all about momentum” is what “VORTEX” expresses. I think the GazettE is the kind of band that has to push through crucial moments with momentum. If that doesn’t work, then we just have to give it up. That’s the mentality we should have taken to the Dome. But I didn’t. People around me were also pushing for playing it safe, and I think I was angry at myself for going along with that.

Interviewer: When you think about it, maybe in a way, the Tokyo Dome was a detour for the band.

Uruha: Yeah, you’re right. If we hadn’t gone through that experience with the Dome, “VORTEX” might never have been written and maybe albums like TOXIC and DIVISION wouldn’t have happened either.

Interviewer: That’s true. But from there, the band sought to rediscover its true essence, which led to the album BEAUTIFUL DEFORMITY.

Uruha: That's right.

Interviewer: In that album, even more than TOXIC or DIVISION, Ruki was insistent on the idea of the whole band coming together. He really focused on creating songs as a group, right?

Uruha: Yeah, it was about wanting to unify the ideas of all five members. At this point, we finally decided to do it (laughs). We created that, and then last year, we were like, “What should we do next?”

Interviewer: Looking back at that album and last year's activities, do you feel that they were necessary for the band?

Uruha: Yeah, they were necessary... It felt like we wanted to return to our roots. That album wasn’t really about a concept or the band’s worldview. It was about expressing our honest selves. It was about showing who we are. It ended up being this strange fusion of five completely different egos, forming something unique. It wasn’t about artistry or a unified worldview—just our raw selves being put into the music.

Interviewer: Were you able to express your true self in that?

Uruha: I did. I wasn’t concerned about the album’s flow at all. I just expressed the feelings that came out of me at that moment. Also, it was the first time we tried including songs from everyone in the band, which was really fun. That unevenness was exciting, and there was a new joy in being able to work on everyone’s songs during pre-production.

Interviewer: What made working with everyone so enjoyable?

Uruha: When the person directing changes, the song itself changes completely. For example, if we only had Ruki’s songs, Ruki would be directing the whole time, and the worldview of the album would be set by him. That would limit our freedom to arrange the songs. But when everyone brings in their own songs, you have five different directors, each with their own approach, and that changes how we approach the music. The whole production process was really fun.

Interviewer: Didn’t that cause any stress among the members?

Uruha: No, not at all. It was just fun. Even when we clashed, it was fun in a way.

Interviewer: Clashing is fun? Can you explain that?

Uruha: It’s about the phrases, you know? When someone says, "I don't want it like this," and the other says, "But I want it this way," the exchange itself is fun.

Interviewer: I’m not sure I understand why that kind of back-and-forth is enjoyable (laughs).

Uruha: No, it really is fun (laughs). It gives us the chance to think of better ideas, and just the act of communicating through music with the other members is enjoyable. Of course, there are times when I get frustrated with the other members. But now, I’ve come to enjoy even that.

Interviewer: That’s a big change.

Uruha: Yeah. In the past, I would get extremely frustrated when things didn’t go my way. But now it’s the opposite. Being challenged makes me think of new approaches. It’s become fun to test myself.

Interviewer: That’s an incredibly positive mindset.

Uruha: Now that you mention it... I realize that as I’m talking (laughs). In the past, I would get frustrated over things like that. But staying frustrated never led to anything good. Over time, by changing my mindset, I’ve come to think the way I do now. I try to enjoy everything.

Interviewer: I’ve always thought that you tended to view things negatively, or at least had a more pessimistic outlook.

Uruha: Ah... like overthinking things?

Interviewer: Yeah, that’s part of it. You also seemed to have a lot of anxiety compared to others. But as the band has continued through various challenges, while you may have struggled with ups and downs, you’ve gradually developed a more positive outlook, haven’t you?

Uruha: I guess so. Back then, I didn’t have a way of dealing with things, so all I could do was get frustrated. Now, I think I’ve gained knowledge and methods to handle situations, which has freed me from that frustration. So, although I’m still fundamentally negative (laughs), I think that hasn’t changed.

Interviewer: But now, you’ve learned how to live with that part of yourself, haven’t you?

Uruha: Exactly. I also think that this side of me comes from my love for the band. Probably because I care so deeply about the band, I tend to focus on its risks. I want to eliminate any potential risk to the band, which causes me to focus on the negatives. I’ve developed this habit of interpreting things negatively, but I think that stems from my love for the band.

Interviewer: I see.

Uruha: Because I love the band, I want to be sensitive to risks.

Interviewer: From an outsider's perspective, last year seemed to be a particularly high-risk year for you guys (laughs).

Uruha: (laughs) But for us, the benefits outweighed the risks. The real risk is losing the joy in the band. So, not releasing anything for a year... that’s not a big risk at all. Though, of course, we’re sorry to everyone around us for that!

Interviewer: I get it. Being able to say that so confidently comes from the unique position of a band that’s made it all the way to playing at the Dome.

Uruha: Yeah, and I think it’s because we have unwavering faith in ourselves—well, in the band. Our confidence in the band is almost abnormal. I guess our love for the band runs deep. We believe in our decisions, so we can move forward without hesitation.

Interviewer: It’s clear that the band is in a really good place right now. It seems like you’re not just doing well on the surface, but you’re genuinely enjoying things internally.

Uruha: Yeah, after 13 years, I finally think, “Wow, being in a band is actually fun.”

Interviewer: Of course, there’s the Budokan, but I’m really excited to see where the GazettE goes from here.

Uruha: I feel the same. I’m looking forward to releasing the next album and going on tour. I think I’ll be able to enjoy it all from the bottom of my heart. I’m really excited because I think the next album will allow us to fully express the core of what we are—the momentum and aggression we’ve always had. I can’t wait for it. Honestly, my mind is already focused on that (laughs).

Aoi

Interviewer: First of all, since this marks the 13th anniversary of the band's formation, let’s start from there. What does an anniversary live show mean to you, Aoi?

Aoi: Well... I feel like it’s a chance to do things we normally can't during a regular tour, or perhaps I want to approach it more casually. Rather than feeling like, “Let’s celebrate because it’s an anniversary,” it’s more like a day where we can try new things and take on challenges we can’t typically do.

Interviewer: So, you don’t particularly feel sentimental about the anniversary?

Aoi: Hmm… Saying that might give the wrong impression (laughs), but I’d say it’s more about the excitement of being able to perform a different kind of live show. And by doing that, we can often gain insights into what’s next or what lies ahead.

Interviewer: So, it’s more about looking forward than looking back at the past?

Aoi: That’s right. I prefer focusing on the present or what’s coming next.

Interviewer: Is that how you approach things in general?

Aoi: Yeah.

Interviewer: Well, that kind of makes this interview difficult (laughs).

Aoi: (laughs)

Interviewer: Can you tell us what you were like when the band first formed?

Aoi: When the band first formed? Well... I remember thinking, “I want this to be my last band.” It felt different from all the bands I had been a part of before.

Interviewer: How was it different?

Aoi: When we formed, there were already demo tracks, and they sounded completely different from the other bands I had been in. The melodies were very catchy and simply easy to listen to. With visual kei bands or indie bands in general, a lot of the music can be harder to get into, right?

Interviewer: Right, like it's either very core, underground, or sometimes bands try so hard to be original that the music becomes overly complicated.

Aoi: Exactly. And because I wasn’t that knowledgeable about music, I couldn’t really connect with those kinds of sounds. But the GazettE had demos that I could understand right from the start. That made me think, “I’d love to play guitar in this band.”

Interviewer: So you felt like you could express yourself as a guitarist in this band?

Aoi: Hmm, not really like that. I didn’t have the typical guitarist’s desire to prove how good I was or anything like that. To be honest, I’ve never been the type to think, “I’m so skilled.” Actually, I’m not that great at playing guitar (laughs).

Interviewer: (laughs)

Aoi: Since I’m not great at playing everything, I think that’s why I prefer catchy and easy-to-understand songs over more complex ones. Maybe that’s where I differ from other guitarists.

Interviewer: That could be true. Generally speaking, when a band first forms, there’s often a tendency to assert their originality through the complexity or technical aspects of their music.

Aoi: Yeah, that’s probably true.

Interviewer: But the GazettE was different from the start, and it sounds like that difference really clicked with you.

Aoi: I think so. Back then, I wasn’t overthinking things. I wasn’t too focused on asserting myself or anything like that. I didn’t really have a strong desire to be “recognized” for what I was doing. I’m sure there was a part of me that wanted that, but when I look at someone like RUKI, I realize how different I am.

Interviewer: What do you mean by “different”?

Aoi: RUKI is so talented, and he’s really dedicated to studying music and other things. But for me, I find it difficult to go that far. I can’t do what he does. That’s why I see him as a true artist. I admire that about him, but when I compare myself to him, I feel like I’m not quite there.. I’m not someone who can amaze people, you know? It might not be the right thing to say as someone who stands on stage, but that’s how I feel.

Interviewer: Did you feel that way from the start of the band?

Aoi: No, back then I just wanted to play guitar. I wasn’t really thinking about much. I wasn’t writing many songs like I do now, either. I was carefree, maybe even irresponsible. I mean, back then, when everyone was working on songs, I’d be off at my part-time job (laughs). I’d say, “I’ve got work.” So, I didn’t have a burning desire to express something, but at the same time, I didn’t want to not express anything either.

Interviewer: Sounds like a complicated personality (laughs).

Aoi: Yeah, it is (laughs). But I feel most comfortable doing things at my own pace. And the band has never denied that part of me. They’ve always accepted what I bring to the table.

Interviewer: How long were you able to stay in that carefree attitude?

Aoi: Quite a while... maybe until we played Budokan for the first time? (laughs). Up until then, I was just enjoying the band without thinking too deeply about things. But when the venues started getting bigger, like Budokan, I started to notice things.

Interviewer: Like how you’re not the same type as RUKI?

Aoi: Yeah. On a simpler level, I started thinking, “I’m not that great at guitar, am I?” That’s when I began to really think about things. Like, I should start writing songs more seriously. I mean, no one wants to hold the band back, right? That’s when I realized I needed to study music and guitar more.

Interviewer: So, after the first Budokan show, that’s when you started thinking that way. Listening to you, it seems like you’re hard on yourself within the band, and you have a strong sense of inferiority compared to the other members.

Aoi: Ah... that might be true.

Interviewer: Do you think that’s a reaction to how carefree you were in the beginning?

Aoi: Yeah... maybe if I hadn’t been holding the band back, the GazettE could have gone even further.

Interviewer: Really? You feel that strongly?

Aoi: Yeah... I think those feelings started around the time after our first Budokan show. We began doing solo shows at bigger venues consistently. When that happened, we started to put more effort into refining our music. We worked on creating something with a stronger sense of identity and a sound that only we could produce. We wanted to make music and put on shows that reflected our unique world. But then... the band started to feel boring.

Interviewer: Wait, what do you mean by “boring”?

Aoi: No, it’s really just a matter of my lack of skill. As the band grew bigger, the members’ opinions became sharper and more critical. For example, during discussions, sometimes complicated ideas would come up, and I wouldn’t really understand them.

Interviewer: And that’s when you thought it was “boring”?

Aoi: There was a time when I thought that, but looking back now, I realize... I was just pushing away everything that seemed difficult. If I had made more of an effort to understand and study things back then, I probably wouldn’t have thought it was boring. And maybe I wouldn’t have been dragging the band down.

Interviewer: When you thought it was boring, how did you handle it at the time?

Aoi: Well... I mostly just went out drinking (laughs).

Interviewer: (Laughs)

Aoi: I didn’t really have the motivation to resolve anything within myself. I just wanted to complain, and that’s how I got into drinking. In hindsight, I realize I was just sulking. I didn’t like that I couldn’t understand what everyone else was saying, but instead of working on it, I blamed the band. I’d be like, “They’re just off in their own world, talking among themselves” (laughs).

Interviewer: That’s pretty childish (laughs).

Aoi: Right? So, back then, after recording sessions, I’d just go drink alone and then head straight back into recording the next day. I wasn’t really taking music seriously.

Interviewer: Did you ever think about quitting the band during that time?

Aoi: I did think about it… but then, I’d also wonder, “If I leave, what would I even do?

Interviewer: Of course. So, when was this happening exactly?

Aoi: It was around 3 or 4 years after the band started... maybe even up until more recently. When we were making the DIM album? Yeah... pretty recently, actually (laughs).

Interviewer: So, right before you moved to Sony. That’s a long time to feel like that.

Aoi: Yeah. Honestly, the time when I was really having fun and feeling at peace was up until we played Budokan for the first time. After that, the band started to grow bigger, and that’s when those feelings started creeping in. And even though I thought about quitting, I couldn’t bring myself to do it. So, I’d just vent in interviews instead (laughs).

Interviewer: That’s pretty bad (laughs). The other members must have read those interviews, right?

Aoi: Yeah, and that created some distance between us. It made things awkward. Which is funny, since it was me who was complaining in the first place.

Interviewer: How do you think the other members felt during that time?

Aoi: I’d love to know that myself (laughs). I think that period lasted for about three years. There was a distance between me and the others, like I was somehow out of place. I think we didn’t really have proper conversations until around our 10th anniversary.

Interviewer: That long?

Aoi: Of course, we’d have personal conversations from time to time, but we weren’t close enough to share everything going on in our private lives. We’d occasionally mess around and joke, but it wasn’t like we were close friends or anything.

Interviewer: That must have been tough, being in the band under those circumstances.

Aoi: But yeah, I know it’s kind of like I created that situation myself. I realized I was the one distancing myself from the members. But at that point, I couldn’t just start a conversation with “Hey, so...” It was that kind of relationship for a while.

Interviewer: I see. Like I mentioned earlier, almost everything you’ve shared today has been from a pretty negative perspective.

Aoi: Yeah, I guess so (laughs).

Interviewer: So, when do you feel the most confident or proud of yourself in the band?

Aoi: Hmm... it’s probably during live shows. I feel like I’m at my coolest when I’m performing live. But that’s about it... yeah, nothing else really stands out.

Interviewer: What do you consider to be your strengths?

Aoi: My strengths… my strengths… I don’t really feel like I have any noteworthy strengths as a person.

Interviewer: (Laughs) Surely, there’s something?

Aoi: Hmm... my strengths... hmm... do I have any?

Interviewer: (Laughs)

Aoi: I’m not sure. But I don’t think not having strengths means I shouldn’t be out here doing what I do. I don’t have any remarkable talents or skills, and I’m not someone who’s worked exceptionally hard either. So, instead, I feel like my role is to support people who do have talent, or who have something they want to express. I want to help those people make the most of themselves.

Interviewer: So, you’re not pushing them away anymore?

Aoi: Yeah, that's right. I’m not like I used to be. If I can present or support parts of someone’s talent that they can’t fully express on their own, then that’s where I’d like to use myself. That might be my strength... if I can say that about myself (laughs).

Interviewer: I think that’s fair. Listening to you, I notice that even though you’re a bit negative, you have a very objective view of your place within the band, don’t you?

Aoi: Yeah, I guess so...

Interviewer: You seem to have a clear understanding of yourself, and what kind of person you are.

Aoi: I know I’m pretty ordinary. Actually, maybe a bit below ordinary (laughs).

Interviewer: So, why do you think this “below ordinary” person is needed by others?

Aoi: Needed... am I needed?

Interviewer: The other members and those around you haven’t said, “We don’t need you,” right?

Aoi: Probably not.

Interviewer: So, why do you think that is?

Aoi: Hmm... that’s a tough question.

Interviewer: But it’s an important one, isn’t it?

Aoi: Yeah, it’s really important. Why am I needed... I’ve never really thought about it, so I’m not sure I can answer right away (laughs). Why am I able to continue in this band? Why haven’t I quit yet?

Interviewer: Can you imagine the GazettE as a four-member band, without you?

Aoi: The GazettE as four members... well, I guess I can imagine it.

Interviewer: You can imagine it? (Laughs)

Aoi: I mean, they’d probably manage fine as a four-member band (laughs). But... I don’t know. I can’t really picture them performing live as just four. Hmm... yeah... but maybe they would still be able to keep going as a four-member band. Now that I think about it, that makes me feel kind of sad...

Interviewer: Sorry for asking such a weird question (laughs).

Aoi: No worries (laughs). ...You know, hypothetically speaking, if the GazettE were to disband, I think I’d be done with bands. I don’t think I could ever create something that surpasses the GazettE. So, in the end, I really want to stay in this band. But at the same time, there's this part of me that thinks "people are ultimately alone." Being on your own feels comfortable, but I also don’t want to completely disconnect from others.

Interviewer: So, people do feel lonely?

Aoi: Yeah, thinking about what it’d be like if I left the GazettE makes me realize how lonely it would be (laughs).

Interviewer: Earlier, you said you don’t look back on the past, right? And from what you’ve said, it’s clear that you tend to see yourself in a pretty negative light.

Aoi: (laughs)

Interviewer: It seems like you think your past self was no good. But on the other hand, it’s obvious that you’ve always cared about the band and have been conscious of the GazettE. It feels like everything you’ve said reflects that. What do you think?

Aoi: Hmm, yeah... to be honest, I want to do more things together as the five of us.

Interviewer: Can you elaborate on that?

Aoi: As a band, I just want us to do more things together. But in the GazettE, the person who brings the song typically takes the lead and progresses things from there. I want us to discuss more and work together when we create songs. I want to feel like we’re all making the songs together.

Interviewer: Isn’t that what you did with the album BEAUTIFUL DEFORMITY?

Aoi: It’s true that BEAUTIFUL DEFORMITY was made by collecting songs from everyone, but I still want to collaborate more. For example... we could gather in the studio and make music together, like all playing at once.

Interviewer: You mean like a jam session?

Aoi: Exactly. I think I’ve always admired that kind of process. Nowadays, you can create songs on a computer without even going into a studio, and we just send data back and forth to each other. That feels a bit... lonely, you know?

Interviewer: You want to do more band-like activities.

Aoi: Yeah, it seems like it would be more fun, and it’d be easier to share opinions directly when we’re all playing together. Playing in the studio gives a greater sense of participation in the song compared to working with data. I think if we did that, I’d feel more involved in the song and maybe discover new ways to approach it. Though, I’ve never tried it, so I’m not sure.

Interviewer: You’ve never done it before?

Aoi: No, we’ve never really gone into the studio to create a song. So... maybe it would lead to arguments, but honestly, I want to make music like that as a band. Still, I feel a little embarrassed to be the one to bring it up.

Interviewer: Why is that?

Aoi: Well… isn’t it kind of overly passionate, the way I’ve been going on about it? (laughs).

Interviewer: (Laughs) But I think your bandmates might feel the same way.

Aoi: You think so?

Interviewer: I think RUKI is someone who could do everything on his own if he wanted to. He’s the kind of musician who could pursue a more solo-driven or one-man approach, even without the band. But instead, based on what I’ve seen from last year’s activities, it feels like what RUKI wants from everyone aligns with what you’ve been saying.

Aoi: That makes sense.

Interviewer: Otherwise, you wouldn’t have thought to make an album like BEAUTIFUL DEFORMITY, nor would you have undertaken such extreme activities last year.

Aoi: That’s a good point…

Interviewer: In other words, I feel like the direction the GazettE has been heading since the year before last aligns with what you just described. And March 10th at the Budokan feels like a culmination of that—a crucial stage. It’s not about the 13th anniversary itself but more about what this moment represents for the band.

Aoi: Yeah, I agree. For me, Budokan feels like, ‘Finally, we can step out into the open.’ Of course, it’s ironic since we were the ones who decided not to be visible for a year (laughs).

Interviewer: (Laughs).

Aoi: Budokan is an open space, a stage outside of the inner circles we’ve been in. That’s why this live show should reflect everything we’ve thought about as a band, everything we’ve gained over the past year. I want 2015 to be the year we put it all out there—starting with Budokan and continuing afterward. Every performance has to be meaningful; otherwise, last year would feel like it amounted to nothing.

Interviewer: So that’s how you’re approaching Budokan. Do you have any specific goals or things you want to achieve?

Aoi: Of course, I do, but they’re all really basic things. Like, I need to make sure I play the guitar properly or work on my stamina. Thinking about the future, I need to listen to more music, too. So, it’s all just basic stuff—things I feel I need to work on for myself.

Interviewer: It seems like everything is about what you "need to do" (laughs).

Aoi: Yeah, it is (laughs). But I don’t really have a strong desire for a particular form of expression, or at least it doesn’t feel that way to me.

Interviewer: In that case, what you mentioned earlier about "getting together in the studio and making music as a group"—that's what you want to do the most right now, right?

Aoi: Yes, that’s what I want to do.

Interviewer: I think aiming for a live performance that captures the fun of being a band like that would be great.

Aoi: Yeah, but when the five of us actually get into the studio, I feel like we wouldn’t even know what to talk about. Usually, we have those kinds of discussions in a meeting room. Except, there are no instruments there.

Interviewer: So you’re looking at a computer screen while you do that?

Aoi: Yeah. But, being in the studio together and playing is definitely more fun. That’s how we used to do it back when we first formed the band, playing in the studio as we worked on songs.

Interviewer: By the way, do you remember the first time you went into the studio with the other members of the GazettE?

Aoi: I remember it vividly. It was really fun. Up until then, I had only met Uruha, so the first time I went into the studio was also the first time I met the other members. It was at some studio in Yokohama. We played some music, and afterward, we all shook hands.

Interviewer: Shook hands?

Aoi: Yeah, like, “Let’s do this from now on!” It was really fun. I remember it so clearly. I want to do that again.

Interviewer: That’s a really band-like episode.

Aoi: Well, it sounds like something straight out of a cheesy coming-of-age story (laughs).

Interviewer: But still, with "BEAUTIFUL DEFORMITY" and last year's activities I think that's what RUKI is asking of everyone.

Aoi: Ah..

Interviewer: Of course, he has a strong ideal vision in his mind, so for the band to get closer to that, each member has to do a lot of work.

Aoi: That’s true. Especially in my case, I think there are many things to do.

Interviewer: But I also have a strong feeling that he doesn’t want to just order the band members around. It’s important to him that each member is genuinely satisfied as you move forward together, even if it’s a very inefficient and labor-intensive way of doing things.

Aoi: It is inefficient.

Interviewer: As I mentioned earlier, that means you are committed to maintaining the essence of the band. How do you feel about that?

Aoi: For me, the GazettE is like... there’s RUKI, who is like the mikoshi*, and I see myself as someone whose role is to carry that mikoshi. And RUKI doesn’t just see himself as the shrine, but he also wants all of us band members to be cool carriers of it. He doesn’t want to be in a lame band. He has this vision of a really cool band that he aims for, and if I were just some lame guy, I would not be worthy to carry that mikoshi of his. So, I have to work hard to make sure that doesn't happen. I definitely want to keep playing in the band and keep carrying the mikoshi. Of course, it’s not just about carrying it; I’d like to add my own uniqueness in the process as well.

*mikoshi is a sacred religious palanquin (also translated as portable Shinto shrine). Shinto followers believe that it serves as the vehicle to transport a deity.

Interviewer: That’s the ‘No one else can carry it like I can’ part, right?

Aoi: Exactly. That’s why... I want to keep going with this band (laughs).

Interviewer: I think you have a particularly strong feeling about this among the members.

Aoi: Maybe so.

Interviewer: Because of that strong feeling, you might feel that your skills or mindset aren’t quite keeping up. Maybe that’s why you’ve been expressing some negativity. (laughs)

Aoi: That’s quite a deep interpretation, but if that’s the case, I’m grateful for it (laughs). But really, I’m enjoying it much more now than I used to. I think we’ve all started to understand more—about music, and in general. It feels like we’re finally getting a grasp of it, like we really know what it means to make great music. Back in the day, we didn’t fully understand music when we started the band, but we still had things we wanted to achieve and goals we aimed for. So we just had to feel our way through.

Interviewer: That’s how it is in the early days of forming a band, right?

Aoi: Yeah, whether it was the sound or the riffs, everything was trial and error. But now, we’ve learned how to shape things, how to create certain sounds, and we’ve figured out a lot of different methods over the years. After doing this for more than 10 years, it really feels like we’re finally making music properly as a band.

Interviewer: Do you feel like you’ve caught up now?

Aoi: Maybe I’ve finally caught up with everyone. Not just being in the band, but actually being able to make music properly.

Interviewer: I think your presence also plays a crucial role in embodying the essence of the GazettE.

Aoi: Do you think so? (laughs). Well… I would have liked to have a more cool image, though. Not like this casual guy I am. I feel like I need to put in more effort to be better.

Interviewer: Also, you need to be able to be more positive about yourself, right? Instead of always putting yourself down (laughs).

Aoi: Yeah, if I get sulky, it’ll be like the old days all over again.

Interviewer: You need to fully accept yourself and express more of that side of you. Of course, effort and hard work are still important too.

Aoi: Yeah, because otherwise, I’d just end up being a source of stress for the other members.

Interviewer: What do you think is something that only you can do? Something that RUKI can’t do but you can?

Aoi: Hmm... what could it be that I can do, but RUKI can’t? I mean, he can do pretty much anything... sorry, I really can’t think of anything.

Interviewer: Well, there’s still time, so think about it (laughs).

Aoi: Hmm… Is there anything RUKI can’t do? Actually, I think he could do everything (laughs). I’m not sure. But I know what I can do for the band. I just make sure I don’t become careless. That’s about it.

Interviewer: Can you elaborate more on what you mean by “careless”?

Aoi: For example, even during song selection meetings, it's about thinking of what the band needs rather than just what I want to do. Even if a song I bring up gets rejected, I don’t sulk or get frustrated about it. Instead, I work on the next one and keep trying. When I'm asked for guitar phrases, I make sure to approach it thoughtfully, putting my own spin on it. It’s all pretty standard stuff, but the point is that I put the band's needs first, without losing my own voice.

Interviewer: So, you have this mindset where you prioritize the band, but still ensure you’re bringing your unique perspective into it.

Aoi: Right. Like with song arrangements—it's not enough to just play the exact phrase the composer wrote. If I don't add something of my own, it feels like I don't have a place in the band. It’s like having no home to return to, you know? That’s why, even if my approach is wrong sometimes, I believe it’s important to offer my own ideas. For example, if the band decides to do something big, like play at the Budokan, it’s better to voice my own opinion—like saying “I want to do this,” rather than staying silent. I’d say, “I’d like to do it this way.” If we can’t have discussions like that, then the GazettE probably wouldn’t work.

Interviewer: I think you're right.

Aoi: Of course, RUKI is someone who could take charge and make all the decisions on his own. If he wanted to, he could do it all himself. And in reality, that might make things faster and could create a stronger, more cohesive world. But that’s not the GazettE. Even if it’s a little clumsy, I think it’s important for us to all come together, discuss, and put our individuality into the music. That’s what I think makes the GazettE the GazettE. I’ll do what I can to make that happen. That’s probably the best thing I can do, for myself.

Interviewer: I see. It feels like these 13 years with the band have been a journey of realizing that the band, and your role within it, is more important than just focusing on yourself.

Aoi: It’s more like my role within the band is what’s most important. If I lose sight of that, things could go off track.

Interviewer: As I mentioned earlier, I feel like the current the GazettE is in the process of rediscovering the essence of being a band. The image of the five of you jamming together, just letting loose—honestly, I haven’t felt that much in your recent live performances. Instead, it’s felt more like each of you is doing your own thing, almost disconnected from each other.

Aoi: Ah... yes, I can see that.

Interviewer: But after Tokyo Dome, the direction the GazettE started moving in seems to focus entirely on the idea of “band unity.” While RUKI’s creativity definitely stands out, he still wants everything to be shared equally among the five of you. In other words, what matters most is how the other members feel about the band as a whole.

Aoi: That's true.

Interviewer: This theme feels important for the band now, and it's a key point for fans watching your live performances. Which leads to interviews like this, where we dive deeper into what each member thinks about being part of the GazettE.

Aoi: I planned to say something cooler during the interview... but here we are (laughs).

Interviewer: I didn’t expect the conversation to get this negative either (laughs). But it made me realize that this band has really strong relationships. What do you think?

Aoi: I think we get along well... but it’s hard to put this relationship into words. We’re not friends, and we’re not family either... What are we?

Interviewer: You must spend so much time with your bandmates that it just feels like the norm.

Aoi: Yeah, it’s so normal that I don’t even know how to describe our relationship (laughs).

Interviewer: How do you feel about it?

Aoi: Well, I’ve been thinking a lot about it... I don’t know what the "mikoshi guy" (referring to RUKI) thinks of me, but personally, I only want to create things with them. I only want to make things that can be done with these five people. Even if I’m still not where the “mikoshi” guy wants me to be, that’s how I feel.

Interviewer: That’s a bit of a negative thought (laughs).

Aoi: (Laughs) Maybe, but I really want to create something that only the five of us can make together. It’s not about what I want others to do for me; it’s more about how seriously I can face the GazettE. I just don’t want to betray the band, so I’ll do anything I can to avoid that. That’s the most important thing. I don’t want to do anything that would bring shame to them.

Interviewer: You mean because of you?

Aoi: Yea. I don’t want people to say we looked uncool on stage because of me. So, I think I need to keep thinking things through, and then show what I’ve come up with on stage. As I’m saying this, I’m suddenly getting emotional... my eyes are tearing up.

Interviewer: I can see a tear!

Aoi: (laughs)

Interviewer: It’s a testament to how deeply you care about the band. I think the main reason you’re in this band is because of that strong feeling.

Aoi: You think so?

Interviewer: Yes, and I believe all the other members understand that about you. That’s why they want to stay in the band with you, don’t you think?.

Aoi: Maybe...

Interviewer: You’ve been putting yourself down a lot during this interview, but it feels like everyone knows what’s behind those feelings.

Aoi: Do you think so? I feel... very vulnerable right now (laughs).

Reita

Interviewer: First, about the number 13: it’s not a particularly rounded or positive number, and in fact, it’s often seen as unlucky. Why do you think the band has chosen to focus on it this time?

Reita: In the past, we celebrated anniversaries like the 7th or 10th, doing big shows at places like Makuhari Messe, but honestly, it was more like, 'Well, it’s an anniversary, so let’s do it.' This time, though, it’s the 13th, an unlucky number, right? And somehow that feels fitting for where we are now.

Interviewer: So that ‘unlucky’ number resonates with the band’s current state?

Reita: Yes. I think we’ve always had a habit of humbling ourselves, almost to an extreme—like by saying 'we’re trash' as a way to fire ourselves up.

Interviewer: Intentionally pushing yourselves like that?

Reita: Right. Last year, in particular, was that kind of year for us, so I think the 13th anniversary naturally follows that flow.

Interviewer: I see. By the way, what kind of year was last year for you, personally?

Reita: Honestly, last year was the best year we’ve had so far, in terms of what we learned. Not releasing new material and still doing activities as a band was a huge lesson. Releasing something new every year is tough—it drains the band’s energy. Taking a year to work only with our past material made us realize how important it is to have a variety of strengths if we want to keep going long-term.

Interviewer: How about the fact that you didn’t do much in terms of releases or other visible activities? It seems like there could be downsides to that.

Reita: Probably so, especially since we were practically invisible to anyone outside our fan club. Some people may have even forgotten about us. But then, we never aimed to be a band for everyone, and we didn’t start out hoping to be widely loved, either. Instead, we focused on the fans who love us the most and wanted to stay closely connected to them for that year.

Interviewer: Were you ever afraid that people would forget about the band?

Reita: Not at all. That’s why now I feel like saying, 'Thank you for waiting.' Not that anyone actually was waiting, maybe (laughs). Over the past year, we did a standing tour—

Interviewer: (Laughs) So it’s something you can joke about. During the tour, were there moments when memories of your younger self, or the band’s history, came back to you?

Reita: While touring?

Interviewer: Yes. Of course, the GazettE started out in small live houses, right? I wondered if doing that tour brought back memories.

Reita: Right. 13 years ago…back then, we didn’t even have proper setlists. Compared to those days, the band has definitely become more serious.

Interviewer: (laughs)

Reita: There’s that phrase, 'return to your roots,' but for us, going back to the way we started wouldn’t be good at all (laughs).

Interviewer: What was the vibe when you first started the GazettE?

Reita: The vibe was actually pretty serious. Before I joined the GazettE, I’d been friends with Uruha since fourth grade, and we’d played in several bands together before the GazettE. But none of those bands lasted very long; it was always just one breakup or member leaving after another. So when we formed the GazettE, I thought, ‘This will be my last band.’ If this didn’t work out, I was prepared to get a regular job and settle down. I was raised by a single mother, so I wasn’t really in a position to just keep playing in bands.

Interviewer: You didn’t want to cause trouble for your family.

Reita: Exactly. So I started the GazettE with the mindset that if this didn’t work out, I’d give up on the band life. And it turned out that the other members also felt like they wanted it to be their last band. We all thought, if it doesn’t work out with the five of us, then we’ll let it go.

Interviewer: Do you remember the first time the five of you played together?

Reita: Yeah, I do. At first, though, Ruki was on drums. That’s a strong memory for me—he joined as our drummer, and it felt really good playing together after a long time. We’d been struggling to find a drummer, so we’d just been using a drum machine until then. Having a live drummer again after all that time left a strong impression.

Interviewer: So those are your memories of ‘Ruki the drummer.’

Reita: Right. After Ruki switched to vocals, we got together with Aoi and our drummer at the time and played songs like ‘Wakaremichi’ and ‘Akai One-Piece’ in the studio. It just clicked. That was the first day I met Aoi, and we shook hands, like, ‘Nice to meet you; let’s do this.’ Even though it was our first time meeting, it felt surprisingly natural to play together. I’d already been playing with Uruha from the very beginning, so there was no awkwardness there at all.

Interviewer: What were your thoughts at that time?

Reita: Even though we had no audience back then, I had this feeling, like, ‘We can do this!’ The first time our crowd surpassed 30 people, I thought, ‘Our time has come!’ (laughs).

Interviewer: That's a nice sentiment (laughs).

Reita: It is. And all of us would say it together, like, ‘It’s our time!’ But I had this confidence—however unfounded—that we could make it as the five of us.

Interviewer: What’s different between the Reita back then and now?

Reita: Back then, I believed standing out was everything, so I’d push myself to the front of the stage. My bass lines were all about grabbing people’s attention and making an impression. I constantly wanted to show off. That might be the biggest difference between then and now.

Interviewer: So you don’t feel the need to stand out as much now?

Reita: Right. Now, I only step up when it really feels necessary, and if it’s not needed, just playing the root notes feels the best. I know when to hold back. Now, it's more of a team effort with the five of us, but back then, it was all about each of us trying to be in the spotlight. It was like everyone was constantly going, ‘It’s me, it’s me!’ We didn’t even really discuss the phrasing or anything.

Interviewer: So it was more individual play than team play?

Reita: It was just clashing with each other, really. But over time, we started to understand things like, ‘Oh, this guy’s personality is like this,’ or ‘He wants to play it this way.’ Gradually, we started to respect each other and began figuring out when to step back and when to stand out.

Interviewer: So you started becoming more aware of each other’s presence. I think that means your relationships have evolved little by little. In that process, did you start realizing things about yourself, like ‘Oh, I’m actually this kind of person’?

Reita: Yeah, I did. For instance, I realized that I’m not someone who should be at the front. I’m more of a person who watches from behind rather than leading from the front.

Interviewer: What made you realize that?

Reita: I noticed it both during live shows and in band meetings. As I kept going with the band, it became clear to me. Personality-wise, I’m not one to assert myself much.

Interviewer: Really? But you just mentioned that you used to play bass in a way that drew attention to yourself.

Reita: I think maybe I was trying to cover up that side of myself. I’d give twisted opinions in meetings or try to do something different, even though I’m not really that kind of person. But eventually, forcing myself to act that way started to feel like it wasn’t fun.

Interviewer: That’s interesting. I think a lot of people would be surprised to hear this, because the way you hype up the crowd on stage gives a very different impression.

Reita: I’m sure it does.

Interviewer: Being a bassist seems to fit your personality, but you also have these iconic moments where you’re front and center during the encore, leading the crowd. So when you say, ‘I’m not someone who stands at the front,’ it doesn’t sound like the same person who does that on stage.

Reita: That’s because I’m playing a character—‘Reita’ is like a role for me. I don’t normally raise my voice or get angry. The GazettE makes me act that way. I like performing that character, but it’s not really my true personality. That’s why, for me, live shows feel incredibly out of the ordinary. No matter how many shows we do, I always have this sense of, ‘This isn’t the ordinary me!’ And that feeling is a big part of what makes performing so special.

Interviewer: I imagine when you first started the band, you probably weren’t fully aware of that side of yourself?

Reita: No, I wasn’t.

Interviewer: So when did you start noticing your true self?

Reita: It was probably around the fifth or sixth year of the band, maybe after our first show at Budokan. Around that age, I think I was finally starting to mature, analyzing myself more. I got a better understanding of my own personality and started to recognize what I could do and what I couldn’t. Going through that phase, I started figuring out what it meant to really be myself.

Interviewer: So for you now, Reita, being on stage is something out of the ordinary.

Reita: Yeah, that’s right. My onstage ‘self’ feels natural when I’m being low-key or just sticking to the root notes. When I’m hyping the crowd, I’m definitely playing a character that’s different from my usual self. But maybe, in a way, it’s also a part of who I am—like something I usually hold back is being let out.

Interviewer: I see. For someone who performs on stage, having a sense of your true self is important, isn’t it?

Reita: It’s crucial.

Interviewer: Without that, it’s hard to stand on a stage in front of big crowds, like at Budokan or a dome, right? I feel like a fake version of yourself would get exposed.

Reita: Exactly.

Interviewer: So as you continued with the band, do you think you faced that kind of challenge—like a wall you needed to break through?

Reita: I think I did. Back then, I wasn’t fully aware of it, but there were times when I felt it. For example, in 2004, we had our first solo show at SHIBUYA-AX... and I couldn’t stop my legs from shaking on stage.

Interviewer: Were you... scared?

Reita: I hadn’t expected the tickets to sell out. But when I looked out, nearly 2,000 people had gathered. Our previous solo show was at Takadanobaba AREA, so this was a massive step up. I was so nervous that I barely remember the concert itself. And at that moment, I realized that we hadn’t reached that stage on our own strength.

Interviewer: What do you mean?

Reita: I realized it wasn’t just our own power—it was the people around us who had helped bring us to AX: the promotion team, the agency, everyone around us. Standing there, I wanted to perform with my feet firmly on the ground. But instead, I was shaky the whole time… it was honestly frustrating. I couldn’t enjoy it, and it felt like such a waste. From that point on, I thought, ‘I want us to bring everyone along with our own strength.’ I wanted to bring both the fans and the staff along with us on the strength of the band alone. That’s when I started asking myself, ‘What do I need to do to ground myself? What does it mean to be truly grounded?’ That was when I really began discovering my true self.

Interviewer: So you wanted to be your authentic self on stage.

Reita: Back then, I even used to ban smiling on stage. But performing live is fun, isn’t it? (laughs) There are so many moments when you just naturally want to smile. I started thinking that maybe a real live show is when you can express that naturally. That’s how I came to my current style.

Interviewer: I see. As the band grew, you discovered your true self. But when you realized things about yourself, like 'Oh, this is who I am,' did you ever feel lonely, or experience a sense of inferiority or defeat?

Reita: Not at all. But… if I were a solo musician instead of in a band, I might have struggled and ended up falling apart. But I’m in a band, so I have immense trust in my bandmates, and I really care about them… even though, honestly, I’d rather not say I 'care' about them out loud (laughs).

Interviewer: (laughs)

Reita: Each of us has a place where we fit. A personality like mine is definitely necessary in a band. Being in a band lets me see my personality traits in a positive light, even though those traits are actually my own insecurities.

Interviewer: What do you mean?

Reita: I'm pretty ordinary, you know (laughs). Compared to the other members, I think I'm actually pretty normal. But I think that's largely because of what my mom used to tell me when I was younger. She'd say things like, 'Don’t think your perspective is the only one' or ‘Don’t assume your opinions are the standard.’ I took it to mean that I should always listen to other people’s viewpoints.

Interviewer: Just hearing that, I can tell she’s a great mom (laughs).

Reita: Haha! Yeah, so instead of trying to push my own opinions, I tend to listen to other people’s perspectives. I don’t speak up much, and I think things through in a pretty conventional way. But that’s also an insecurity of mine. Sometimes, I’d love to be the type who can just ignore everyone else and push forward with a ‘let’s just do it’ attitude. But I can’t just do things selfishly without considering others. It’s probably a part of me that I can’t change. So, instead of seeing that as a negative trait, I’m trying to approach it positively and think, ‘This kind of personality is also necessary in a band.’ I’m working on it.

Interviewer: So you're the type that keeps things to yourself.

Reita: Me?

Interviewer: That’s what it seems like. You’re always thinking about others, so you don’t express everything. You hold yourself back. But you can’t keep everything suppressed forever. So, on stage, in that non-everyday setting, the side you usually keep hidden comes out.

Reita: Ah… yeah, that’s probably true. If my younger self could see me now, he’d be shocked. When I was a kid, I never thought I’d be standing in front of people. I mean… when I was in junior high, I once had to speak in front of the whole school during an assembly, and I totally fumbled and embarrassed myself (laughs). I was that nervous. But as I kept going with the GazettE, I gradually got over it—or maybe I didn’t really overcome it at all. I think my feeling that the band was cool outweighed everything else, and that’s why I started. My personality didn’t matter; I just jumped into it with sheer impulse.

Interviewer: So, it sounds like you saw things in being part of a band that you felt you didn’t have yourself. Maybe that’s what you aspired to?

Reita: Yeah, absolutely, 100%. There was so much that I didn’t have, and it felt like the band had everything I was missing.

Interviewer: Did you feel that maybe the band would help you overcome all those insecurities?

Reita: I think that feeling was there. But in the end, I realized that if you don’t have a sense of your true self, you can’t keep going in a band either. Even if you try to hide it, it still comes out during a live performance. So, it’s this constant tug-of-war. On one hand, I seek out in the band things that are the complete opposite of myself, and on the other, I’m trying to stay true to who I am.

Interviewer: Through your experience with the GazettE, you've come to understand yourself better. So, what does the band mean to you? Is it the band over yourself, or yourself over the band?

Reita: The band comes first. I feel like who I am now is because of the band. It’s like this version of myself was shaped by the band. So, yeah, the band is more important than me as an individual. I prioritize the band in everything I think about. I also keep thinking about how we can keep the band going for a long time.

Interviewer: You want to keep going for a long time?

Reita: Yes. I don't want us to be the kind of band that sells a million albums and then breaks up right after. I have a strong desire to keep playing in this band with these five people for as long as possible, even if it’s just a second longer.

Interviewer: I understand. Now, let’s shift the focus to your band members. I believe that in this band, Ruki, as the frontman, takes the lead in a lot of the musical direction. How do you feel about him?

Reita: Well… first, I trust him completely when it comes to the things he wants to do or express. The things he’s wanted to try have never been wrong, not from the very beginning. He even handled the flyer designs when we were starting out. I really trust him, and I want to bring his ideas to life with all five of us. His sense of style isn’t just about music; he stands out in so many ways. Honestly, I think he’s amazing. But just admiring him isn’t enough, you know? It’s not like I’m trying to rival him, but I want to make it so that only my bass feels like it truly completes his work. I’ve felt that way for quite some time.

Interviewer: Do you also feel a desire to lead creatively, like Ruki does, or to shape things in your own way?

Reita: Of course, I’d love to reach a point where I can create songs as consistently as Ruki does. But for me, it’s not so much about my own songs; I just want to do cool things with the band. If there’s a song Ruki wrote and a song I wrote, we’ll always go with the one that’s the coolest. In our song selection meetings, I don’t push for my songs; we listen to all of them and just pick what’s best. So, it’s not about my own work or anything like that.

Interviewer: I see. This is also about Ruki, but I feel like he has a lot of ideas, and he could probably do everything himself if he wanted to.

Reita: Yeah, that’s probably true.

Interviewer: Honestly, I think he could run a one-man band if he wanted to. But the GazettE isn’t like that. He doesn’t aim to make it a one-man band. What do you think about that?

Reita: We’re not the kind of band where one person holds absolute power. If any one of us says they don’t want to do something, we don’t do it. And I think Ruki actually likes that about this band. Sure, he could do everything himself and hold all the power if he wanted to, but he doesn’t want to be in that kind of band. He doesn’t force his ideas on us.

Interviewer: In that sense, he’s like you, right?

Reita: I think so. For him, the number one thing he wants to do is probably the band. So, even if he has other things he wants to do, he wouldn't let anything interfere with that. And that goes for everyone, not just RUKI. It's still about the band. No one is doing solo activities. First and foremost, it's about playing in the band.

Interviewer: Has that feeling stayed the same over time?

Reita: Recently, it’s only grown stronger. That’s why last year played out the way it did. We didn’t release a new album, which, like I mentioned earlier, was because the band was really drained. If we want to continue for a long time, we needed to address that exhaustion.

Interviewer: In the long run, that makes sense.

Reita: I think each member has come to value the band even more deeply.

Interviewer: And maybe a big part of that is because your frontman used to be the drummer.

Reita: That could be. When RUKI was the drummer, he was at the very back of the stage. After a lot of live shows, you’d see audience comments saying things like, 'I couldn’t see the drummer at all' (laughs). I remember, though, even back then, the vocals he would lay down on his demo tracks were really impressive.

Interviewer: Even though he was a drummer?

Reita: Yeah, even though he was a drummer (laughs). Then Uruha suggested, 'Why don’t you try being the vocalist?' But I was like, 'Huh, vocalist? But I’m having fun with him as part of the rhythm section,' so at first, I actually opposed Ruki becoming the vocalist.

Interviewer: Really?

Reita: Yeah. But he was good at singing, and he wanted to try it himself. So from then on, he dove right in as a frontman. I think if Ruki had stayed a drummer, he wouldn’t be the person he is now. It’s different because he didn’t start out with a frontman mentality. That sets him apart from your typical frontman.

Interviewer: So, he has an awareness of the other members, then.

Reita: I think so. It’s not just him, though; my ideal of a band also involves five distinct personalities coming together. Each of us has our own individuality, or a separate style that’s well-defined. I see it as a pentagon. And how do we make that pentagon? There’s no clear-cut answer; it’s just a matter of each of us pursuing our own unique style.

Interviewer: This ties back to what you mentioned earlier.

Reita: Yeah (laughs). First, you become aware of your own individuality. Then you each take your positions based on that. And that’s where the pentagon starts to form. I don’t know exactly what shape the pentagon we’ve created is right now, but I don’t think it has any one member standing out disproportionately. If even one member says 'No,' then the band as a whole says 'No.' The band only moves forward when everyone is on board. As long as that principle holds, I think our pentagon can stay beautifully balanced.

Interviewer: Would you say last year was about building that pentagon?

Reita: Yes.

Interviewer: It was, in a way, a year for yourselves—not for the fans, the management, or the label. A year dedicated to yourselves.

Reita: It's terribly inefficient (laughs).

Interviewer: Yes, it is (laughs). And waiting until everyone says 'yes' to every decision must be exhausting. It probably takes a lot of time and money, too.

Reita: That's true. And in visual kei, there’s the added time and expense of makeup and costumes. But... we want to do it without worrying about efficiency or money. When we started the band, the only thing we cared about was creating something cool. Efficiency or money didn’t even come into play—and of course, we didn’t have any money (laughs). We just wanted to make something cool. And that’s still the only thing we want to do—create things that all five of us think are cool. So if it means being inefficient, so be it. If that’s what it takes to make something cool, we’ll do it. If we started factoring in efficiency and money, it would be a completely different mindset than when we first started. And honestly, if we got to the point where we were managing the band based on money or efficiency, I think it would be really boring. We don’t want to end up like that.

Interviewer: Would you say all five of you feel the same way?

Reita: I think so. We’re driven less by a sense of 'this is what the GazettE should be' and more by 'this is what we don’t want the GazettE to become,' avoiding things that don’t feel right as we move forward. Basically, we don’t do anything that we think is uncool—simple as that. Sure, times have changed, and there are new approaches in the music world that have evolved along with trends. Maybe we, too, will eventually have to change in some ways. But when it comes to live shows, we’re all about that real, in-the-moment experience, and we want to keep that. Our live performances…we never want to lose that feeling that can only come from being there in person. There’s something at our shows that you just can’t get by watching clips online. We want to share that feeling with as many people as possible. Probably the fastest way to do that would be to hold a free concert at Tokyo Dome (laughs).

Interviewer: (laughs)

Reita: I think that showing people who have never seen our live performances is probably the quickest way for them to understand us. But since that's pretty extreme on its own, we've started considering doing things like performing at festivals.

Interviewer: You even played at Rising Sun (Rising Sun Rock Festival, a rock festival held every summer in Hokkaido).

Reita: Yeah, there were definitely a lot of people there who didn’t come just to see us. And if they watched us and thought, 'It’s not my taste' or 'I didn’t enjoy it,' that’s totally fine. I just really want people who don’t know us or haven’t seen us live to see us at least once. That’s where we get to showcase what we really want to do and what we think is cool.

Interviewer: In the past, the GazettE would often add surprise announcements at the end of live shows, making fans excited or surprised. But now, it seems like you’re aiming to go beyond those gimmicks, and instead, you’re focusing on the live performances themselves and the band as a whole.

Reita: Yeah, I guess in the end, that’s what being in a band is all about. Flashy performances or gimmicks—they’re just accents, really. As long as the five of us have a solid style together, and as long as we feel that what we’re doing is cool, the band will keep going. Even if we don’t gain any more fans, or even if the fans decrease. For that reason, we won’t do anything we don’t want to do—we’ll only do what we think is cool. We feel very strongly about only doing things that all five of us have agreed on, things we all genuinely think are good. Whether our live attendance goes up or down in the future, we’ll accept all of that. Maybe the reality of being in a band is that if you’re not wanted, you eventually disappear. But we don’t want to chase after whatever it is the fans want. First and foremost, we want to put out something that makes us, as band members, say to each other, ‘Yeah, that’s cool.’

Interviewer: Fans are definitely important, but it seems like what matters most is the connection between the band members.

Reita: Yeah, hearing one of the members say ‘that’s great’ when they listen to a phrase I came up with makes me the happiest. So I always want to keep putting that out there.

Interviewer: Understood. After hearing everything you’ve shared today, I really feel like you’re a "band man" through and through, from head to toe (laughs).

Reita: "Band man"—I like that (laughs). Actually, it’s always felt more fitting for me to be called a “band man” than to be called an “artist.”

Interviewer: Do you want to stay a “band man” forever?

Reita: Definitely. I don’t want to be called an artist, but I always want to be called a band man. Or rather... I just want to feel like I’m “just a band man.”

Interviewer: “Just a band man” has a nice ring to it. It’s almost like saying, “I’m just an ordinary person.”

Reita: Exactly. It’s like, even someone as regular as me can be a band man. If you go all in on trying to do something cool, you can end up doing things like playing at the Budokan. I get fan letters saying similar things, and I always think, “If I could make it, then pretty much anyone else can, right?”

Interviewer: Don’t you think fans look up to you because of that? Both the band and you, Reita.

Reita: If that’s the case, then that’s great. I mean, we’re all pretty easygoing guys, not really the wild or hardcore rock type (laughs). But we’re those same guys getting up on stage, playing intense music with intense makeup. I think that’s something really cool. Every member is completely different on stage compared to in everyday life. And I think that’s probably true for the fans as well. They’re usually quiet, not the type to headbang or scream loudly. But the GazettE’s live shows give them a place where they can do that. That’s something that saves us too, and if there are fans who find solace in it, then I want to keep standing on that stage for them.

Interviewer: What does your mom have to say about all of this?

Reita: (laughs) My mom? She goes around bragging about me to people at her work, I think (laughs).

Interviewer: Doesn’t she ever say things like, “I can’t believe you do that in front of people” (laughs)?

Reita: She does. Even my relatives say, “You’re like a different person!” and “Wow, I didn’t know you could be so loud!” (laughs).

Interviewer: (laughs)

Reita: That’s just how different I am on stage, you know (laughs). And that’s the beauty of being in a band.

Kai

Interviewer: First of all, what are your thoughts on an anniversary live show?

Kai: Well, I feel like an anniversary isn’t really something that we, ourselves, should be celebrating. In a way, it’s more a time for the fans to say, “Congratulations,” and for us to respond with a “Thank you.” To put it simply, March 10 is nothing more or less than just that; for me personally, it’s just a milestone in the band’s journey.

Interviewer: So, there’s no feeling of looking back and reliving the memories of the day you formed the band?

Kai: No, I don’t feel that way… (laughs). Instead of looking back, I want to keep moving forward. So even with this live show, just because it’s an anniversary live, we don’t intend for it to be just a show looking back on the past. In fact, last year we were pretty quiet in terms of public activity as the GazettE, so we want to make this show one where people can see the band moving forward and starting something new. Not just a “Thanks for everything up until now” kind of show.

Interviewer: By the way, last year the band focused on a fan club tour, which to an outsider might have seemed like you were underground or almost on hiatus.

Kai: From our perspective, we were actually very active (laughs), but I can see how it might have looked like we were at a standstill from the outside.

Interviewer: And you didn’t release anything either, right? Wasn’t there any worry about the band going through a year like that?

Kai: Not at all. It’s because we’ve always had a certain cycle—like releasing an album around July, then touring for about three months, and right after that, starting to create the next work… We’ve been doing that for a long time. But with that pace, there were things I felt I couldn’t fully absorb. I’ve had this feeling for a while now, that I didn’t want to just keep moving forward at that speed.

Interviewer: Was it like you felt you couldn’t keep up with the pace?

Kai: No, it wasn’t that. It was more a feeling that it was wasteful, in a way. It just felt like moving on to the next thing so quickly was a waste. This topic actually came up among the members about two years ago. We started to wonder if keeping up this pace might actually shorten the band’s lifespan. When I heard that, it really resonated with me. So, we thought about extending the time between releases. Instead of releasing an album every year, why not make it every year and a half or even two years, and let each work have a longer period to be absorbed?

Interviewer: And that would allow more time for creating the songs as well.

Kai: Exactly. But then, while we’d be taking our time to create the next work, there was the question of how to handle the parts we hadn’t yet fully processed. So we talked about doing a tour that would look back on our past work over the course of a year—a tour that would let us settle those things within ourselves. And when that idea came up, I thought, “Yes, that sounds really good.” That’s the mindset we had as we spent 2014. So I didn’t feel any anxiety about it at all. Rather, it felt like something we needed to do as a band.

Interviewer: After doing the fan club tour, how did it impact the band?

Kai: By looking back at what we had done in the past, it allowed us to think about what kind of band the GazettE truly is. The tour was a way to redefine ourselves, and we discovered a lot through it. We also started working on songs for the next album around that time. For example, before PULSE WRIGGLING TO DIM SCENE, we held a selection meeting for the songs, and then after PULSE WRIGGLING TO DIM SCENE and before GROAN OF VENOMOUS CELL, we did another one, and yet another after GROAN OF VENOMOUS CELL. Each time, everyone’s perspective had completely changed. Taking time for the tour in between allowed us to re-evaluate what kind of music we really wanted to create and what kind of songs we thought were truly good. In other words, we were different from who we were when we made the previous album two years ago—it felt like we had climbed to a new level. So for the Budokan concert, we want to show who we are now as a band that has climbed that new step and what lies ahead.

Interviewer: I see. Now, I’d like to ask about you personally. Last year, you engaged in activities that involved looking back on the past, comparing your past self with your present self, and I assume you noticed some differences.

Kai: Yes, after doing this for over ten years.

Interviewer: Originally, when the GazettE was formed, there was a previous drummer, and you joined later. I’d imagine that the relationships with the other members have changed quite a bit since you joined.

Kai: In terms of relationships… I feel like they actually haven’t changed much. Even in our conversations, we still talk about the same kinds of things, including all the silly stuff (laughs). We’ve always gotten along well. But if anything has really changed, it’s probably my own sense of commitment to the band.

Interviewer: In what way?

Kai: Back then, I think I was more focused on myself rather than on the band. I wasn’t really looking at the bigger picture. For example, if I heard that RUKI was doing a solo photo shoot for a magazine, I didn’t care at all—I was more focused on myself as an individual than on the band as a whole. But now, I feel a much stronger attachment to the band.

Interviewer: So, you’ve developed a sense that you’re part of something bigger than just yourself.

Kai: Exactly. And, to be honest, I think I probably felt that way back when I first started in a band. So, in a way, it feels like I’m returning to that original feeling.

Interviewer: Did you get into drumming because you were interested in bands in the first place?

Kai: Actually, I liked drums, but I didn’t really have much interest in bands at first. I’d get invited, but I’d turn them down, saying, “No, I’m not interested.” Then one day, someone asked me to fill in as a drummer just for one session because they didn’t have one, and the impact of playing that sound was huge. That’s when I awakened to the idea of being in a band, and that’s how I ended up here.

Interviewer: Was that impact so strong that it changed your world?

Kai: It really did change my world. By the next day, I had dropped out of school. (laughs) It had that much of an impact on me. Playing drums alone and being the drummer in a band are completely different experiences. So, the friends I went to the studio with were from my school, and I told them, “This is it for me—band life.” I even said, “Maybe I’ll quit school,” and they laughed it off like, “Oh, sure!” But I was pretty serious. The next day, when I showed up at the studio and said, “I quit school,” everyone was shocked (laughs).

Interviewer: I bet! (laughs)

Kai: I was shocked in return when they reacted with, “What?!” I thought, “Wait, these guys aren’t serious about the band?” So I decided to look for different members who were. I immediately started calling around to find new bandmates.

Interviewer: Very proactive!

Kai: Yeah. I had this confidence, like “If I do this seriously, we’ll make it.” When I first started in a band, I was completely absorbed in it. Carrying heavy drum equipment to the studio wasn’t a burden at all.

Interviewer: How did you feel when you first joined the GazettE?

Kai: At first, I felt like I was in a kind of battle with my predecessor. People around us kept comparing us. My predecessor had a lot of qualities that I didn’t, so my first year in the band was honestly pretty negative for me. Plus, I developed sudden hearing loss. Right after I joined, I had to skip a tour. So, for that tour, my predecessor was brought in last minute to fill in, and I’d hear people saying things like, “I still prefer the old drummer.”

Interviewer: That must have been humiliating.

Kai: The band members assured me that wasn’t how they felt, but I struggled with it internally. However, it’s because of those feelings that I think I developed my individuality as a drummer. Back then, I was really searching for something that only I could bring. For example, if I heard someone say that my predecessor’s playing had more flair, I’d think, “Okay, I’ll bring flair to my playing.” I’d study my form in the studio mirrors, trying to develop something unique. I aimed to be one-of-a-kind, and I think that’s still a part of me today.

Interviewer: But with those insecurities, it’s only natural that you’d be more focused on yourself than on the band as a whole, right?

Kai: True. So…maybe I was overly aware of being the member who joined later, or perhaps I was trying to only look forward and focus on the future. When I look back on the past, there’s that one-year gap where I wasn’t with them. It’s unavoidable, but sometimes it still crosses my mind.

Interviewer: When do you feel that way?

Kai: For example, if we’re planning to put together footage from our early days, I might think, “What about the first year?” I realize, “This footage doesn’t include me, but it’s part of the band’s history.” These days, it doesn’t bother me as much, though.

Interviewer: But even now, it still bothers you a bit?

Kai: This is something I’d like to say to the fans—I don’t really want people to say “Congratulations on joining the GazettE!” (laughs). Because I joined the band on February 1, which is RUKI’s birthday. So, fans sometimes say things like, “Happy Birthday, RUKI! And congratulations on joining, Kai!” (laughs). I’d rather they skip that second part.

Interviewer: So, the effort and research you put in over time led to your current playing style.

Kai: Yeah, exactly. My style gradually formed as the members would tell me, “That’s cool” or “I haven’t seen anyone else play like that.” Before joining the GazettE, I thought it was cooler to play drums in a low-key way—supporting the band from the back without standing out.

Interviewer: And then your mindset shifted toward making yourself stand out more?

Kai: Yes, that was my focus for the first few years.

Interviewer: Was it difficult to be in a band with that mindset?

Kai: It was. This might just be my personality, but even if I had something I wanted to do, I’m not the type to voice it easily. I always tried to take a step back and look at things from the band’s perspective as a whole, which made me reluctant to speak up about my own needs. It was like I was avoiding expressing my opinions.

Interviewer: Why did you avoid speaking up, even when you had things you wanted to say?

Kai: I worried that if I voiced my thoughts, others might laugh at me. Back then, I was very self-conscious, feeling like I couldn’t say what I wanted because of that one-year gap after I joined. It was like, “Can I really say that as the guy who joined later?” So, I often ended up suppressing my feelings.

Interviewer: Didn’t that make being in the band less enjoyable?

Kai: Looking back, it probably wasn’t that enjoyable. I was just avoiding conflict, really.

Interviewer: How long did that sense of insecurity last?

Kai: Hmm… I think I still felt that way when we performed at the Budokan for the first time. So probably… around five or six years.

Interviewer: That’s quite a long time.

Kai: Yeah… it was a long time.

Interviewer: Despite that, what kept you going without quitting?

Kai: It felt like I was being pulled along by something. Almost like the other members were pulling me up from above. I don’t know how they actually felt, but for me, it felt like that during those first five or six years.

Interviewer: During that time, you must have experienced and seen things that most bands don’t, right?

Kai: Yes, that was a period of very rapid growth.

Interviewer: Through those experiences, did you ever feel invincible or experience a sense of overwhelming satisfaction, like, “I’m unstoppable”?

Kai: Hmm... not really... Maybe I didn’t feel that way, even after achieving all that.

Interviewer: Even after all you accomplished?

Kai: Yeah… even after all we achieved, it somehow felt… like I was only experiencing it on the surface. Looking back now, I feel like I was just going through the motions with the band. I was just doing it superficially.

Interviewer: What do you mean by 'superficially'?

Kai: …Like, back in the day during our song selection meetings. When we were putting songs forward, I’d think, 'Oh well, [another member] will bring a good song.' Or when planning a stage performance, I’d assume, 'Someone else will come up with ideas.' And then for the lyrics, I'd think, 'RUKI wrote them, so he’ll handle the world-building. I’ll just play the drums.' If I could go back, I’d want to punch my younger self for thinking that way (laughs).

Interviewer: But, isn’t that kind of dynamic something that can still work in a band? Not saying if it’s good or bad, but it’s possible.

Kai: But that’s not love for the band, is it? It’s more like love for myself. I was avoiding responsibility, just not saying anything. But over time, I started realizing that wasn’t right. So now, I always speak up. In song meetings, I’m there with the mindset, 'I definitely want this song to make it through.' And if it doesn’t, then I feel genuinely frustrated. Just recently, I was super disappointed after a song selection meeting (laughs). I was so frustrated. But I think it’s essential to approach it like that. Some people might just give up at that point and say, 'Whatever, I’m done with this.' But for me, it’s the opposite. Even if it takes making 10 or 20 songs, I’m determined to get at least one in next time. That’s the kind of mindset I have now, and it’s definitely a change in my attitude. I’m not even entirely sure why I’ve changed, but I have.

Interviewer: For example, Tokyo Dome is a major milestone in the band’s history. How did you feel at that time?

Kai: The Dome? When we finally reached that goal, there was a brief feeling of emptiness. I had thought of it as the end point, the finish line. Up until then, the GazettE had always been focused on playing bigger and bigger venues. We filled the 1,000-capacity AX, and from there the ambitions just kept growing. We filled the 3,000-capacity venue, then Budokan, then Yokohama Arena. We had finally reached a point where Tokyo Dome was within sight, but we hadn’t thought about what came after that.

Interviewer: So it really did feel like the ultimate goal.

Kai: Yes. So when the Dome concert was over, there was a moment of emptiness, but then I realized, 'I wasn’t in a band just to play Tokyo Dome.' It wasn’t about venue size or capacity; it was about creating the most intense live experiences, enjoying the band, and making great music. It was such an obvious realization, but it lifted a huge weight off my shoulders.

Interviewer: Did it make being in a band easier?

Kai: Not exactly—it actually made me realize how much more I had to do, so in that sense, it’s challenging (laughs). But it was definitely a good realization for me.

Interviewer: Watching the Dome concert, I remember thinking, 'What’s next for this band?' (laughs).

Kai: I think everyone thought that at the time (laughs). The interviewers even said, 'We’re not sure what to ask after Tokyo Dome.' But right after it ended, all the members naturally started feeling, 'That wasn’t it.'

Interviewer: What do you mean by 'That wasn’t it'?

Kai: It’s like we realized, 'The GazettE is a band with more depth, and we used to have so much more fun.' I think as we got closer to reaching the Tokyo Dome goal, our focus started to drift. We were doing tie-ins just for sales, focusing on those kinds of things. And when we looked at what we actually gained from it all, we realized we hadn’t gained anything.

Interviewer: Even though you made it all the way to the Dome?

Kai: Yeah, even after playing the Dome, we felt that emptiness. But in a way, I think that was a good thing. It was like all the members suddenly rediscovered their love for the band (laughs). In fact, our desire to stay dedicated to the band just exploded from there.

Interviewer: I think that reaching the Dome is often a turning point for bands, and some go in the opposite direction—like there’s nothing left to achieve with the band.

Kai: Like they decide to go solo? (laughs)

Interviewer: Exactly. Sometimes bands start alternating between solo projects and band activities to keep things going. But The GazettE didn’t go that route.

Kai: Not at all. For me, the period up to Tokyo Dome feels like the first phase of The GazettE.

Interviewer: That was a pretty long first phase (laughs).

Kai: Yeah (laughs). But it’s true—the GazettE changed clearly after the Dome. It almost feels like we did that Dome show to transform ourselves. It was a turning point, and the band we are now emerged from that.

Interviewer: So this shift in the band, did it affect things like your relationships with the other members, or how you approach the band?

Kai: First, that feeling of 'That wasn’t it'—everyone felt the same way, without anyone needing to say it. We were all on the same page, and instead of giving up, everyone was committed to finding the next step as a band. I was really glad to be doing this with these members; it made me appreciate it all over again.

Interviewer: So you regained that love for the band through that experience?

Kai: Yeah, exactly.

Interviewer: I think this band has always been able to overcome walls and crises because the five of you share a common direction and perspective. But even so, not everyone in the band is equal, right?

Kai: Not equal… what do you mean?

Interviewer: For example, RUKI stands out in a unique way within the band. He’s someone with a lot of ideas, someone who wants to do a lot of things. Often, his vision pulls the band forward.

Kai: Yes, that’s definitely true.

Interviewer: It’s like what you mentioned before, how in the past you might have thought, 'RUKI will take care of it,' and the band could still function by just going along with his ideas. What do you think about that approach now?

Kai: I think it’s just a matter of whether you find that kind of band cool or not. In our case, I don’t think a single one of us would see that approach as 'cool.' We all want to be more involved and connected to the direction we’re going in.

Interviewer: With someone like RUKI in the band, there’s always the possibility it could naturally become more of a one-man show centered around him, don’t you think?

Kai: Hmm, well… yes, that’s a possibility. Even now, RUKI is leading the band, and it’s true that he’s the one pulling it forward. But I feel strongly that the 'reins' have to be held by all five of us. I think RUKI feels the same way—he wonders, 'Is it okay if I’m the only one leading?' It would probably be easier for RUKI if he just led everything by himself, coming up with ideas and having us follow along. But that’s not what he wants. He wants a band where each of the five of us stands out as a hero. He doesn’t want to be the only hero; he wants everyone to be a hero. And I feel strongly about supporting his vision.

Interviewer: I see. But don’t you think that’s a bit of a contradiction, or even an unattainable goal? For all five members to be 'heroes' means there has to be some ego, like 'I want to stand out.' But if that ego becomes too strong, it could end up hurting the love for the band.

Kai: Exactly. That’s what makes being in a band so challenging. Even if you voice your own opinions, sometimes they won’t be accepted. So there’s an effort to hold back, or the courage to step back. Not just retreating in defeat, but stepping back calmly and objectively, trying to view things from a balanced perspective. Comparing your own opinion with others and coming to a decision—that’s really important. And I think everyone in the band shares that sense.

Interviewer: But if you only do that, it might just turn into a group of overly agreeable people. You also need some selfishness, some clashing of opinions, or it’ll be hard for each of the five to truly shine.

Kai: Exactly… being in a band is tough. But I think that’s also what makes it fun now. When I feel disappointed because one of my songs wasn’t chosen in a selection meeting, that’s exactly the feeling I’m talking about. The frustration when a song I was sure would be chosen doesn’t make it—it’s that very feeling that drives me to say, 'Next time, I’ll create something even better.'

Interviewer: But don’t you sometimes feel like, 'Fine, then, let someone else handle it,' or, 'Let the ones who want to do it, do it'?

Kai: No, I don’t feel that way. In fact, I make sure I don’t. You can’t let that kind of thinking take over in a band. You can’t let yourself lose to those feelings; if you do, it’s probably the end.

Interviewer: Don’t you think it’s difficult to keep that kind of negative feeling under control, though? Like it’s easy for the lid on those emotions to come off?

Kai: Yes, that’s true… sometimes those feelings do start to show, and the lid begins to open. But now I have confidence that I can close it myself before it fully comes off.

Interviewer: Why do you think you’re able to do that?

Kai: I think it’s because people around me have expectations of me. In the past, nobody really expected much, but now the members, the fans, and even the staff—they all have hopes for me. I want to live up to those expectations. But… yeah, honestly, I think the biggest influence is the other members. They mean a lot to me.

Interviewer: So in other words, would you say that your perspective is shaped by how the people around you give you a sense of purpose?

Kai: Ah, yes. The band gives me purpose.

Interviewer: In other words, you don’t see yourself as the number one, right? Do you consider yourself an amazing person?

Kai: No, I don’t.

Interviewer: That’s a quick answer! (laughs)

Kai: (laughs) Yeah, I don’t think of myself as amazing. Are there people who really do?

Interviewer: If you’ve made it to the Tokyo Dome, I’d say you’d be allowed to think so.

Kai: Yeah… I guess that’s true. But I still don’t. I don’t see myself as amazing. I wonder why… (laughs). Maybe it’s just my nature?

Interviewer: That could be it. To be honest, and without meaning any offense, I feel like the GazettE is made up of genuinely nice people. (laughs)

Kai: (laughs) Yeah, they’re all good guys.

Interviewer: Actually, it’s like even though you’ve played at the Dome, you still have some sort of complex. You find yourself getting anxious or overthinking things that probably nobody else would even notice. But maybe that’s what keeps you grounded and reliant on the band.

Kai: I think you’re exactly right. I lean on the band, in a way. Each of us has something the others don’t, which is probably why we get along so well and can respect each other. We think each other is cool, and I can say with confidence that it’s not just me who feels this way—it’s all the members. So… this is a bit embarrassing to admit, but I think the other four also see something cool in me. They recognize and value what’s unique about me. I’m aware of that, and I want to meet those expectations. I’ve become able to voice what’s unique to me.

Interviewer: So, that’s why you don’t see yourself as amazing alone.

Kai: Exactly. I don’t think I’m some kind of special person. And I think all the members feel the same way.

Interviewer: But didn’t you start the band because you wanted to be special?

Kai: Yeah, I did. But now, I feel like it’s fine to be just an ordinary person. I still have that kid-like feeling—like when I saw LUNA SEA and thought, ‘I want to be like them.’ That feeling is stronger for me than anything like, ‘I’ve played at the Dome, so now I’m great.’ I don’t feel that way.

Interviewer: Bands are kind of mysterious, aren’t they?

Kai: They are, definitely. (laughs) If it were my younger self, I’d probably imagine that if I made it to the Dome, I’d have become someone special. But… people really don’t change that much. And… I still wonder at how much I’ve changed because of the people I’ve met.

Interviewer: How do you see yourself?

Kai: I’m not really sure myself, but I know there’s a part of me that doesn’t get swayed by others no matter what they say to me. Even when I’m talking to different people, I’ve realized that there aren’t many things I can genuinely empathize with. I tend to always put a sort of filter between myself and the other person. Someone once pointed this out to me. They said, “Kai, there’s this invisible wall around you.” I had never thought I was intentionally creating one, but when they said that, I became aware that I unconsciously put up this kind of filter within myself.

Interviewer: Maybe that’s because, deep down, you have a strong sense of self that you try to keep hidden.

Kai: Ah, you think so?

Interviewer: A strong sense of self often brings along strong complexes—things you can’t shake off easily. You want to overcome those, but you know you can’t do it alone. So, you need people around you, which also means wanting to listen to others and connect with different people.

Kai: Hmm... Right now, I feel kind of exposed. (laughs)

Interviewer: If we look at the real, 'uncovered' Kai, he’s probably pretty self-centered. But you’re in a band, and being self-centered wouldn’t work, especially with the complexes you’re carrying. You probably feel like the band has helped you pull yourself up this far.

Kai: You’re absolutely right.

Interviewer: So, you’re in the band, trying to shine both for the band’s sake and for yourself. It seems like that’s what’s happening.

Kai: Ah! That’s exactly it. You put it into words perfectly. I hadn’t thought of it that way until you said it, but I think I’ve always sensed it on some level. If I hadn’t recognized that, I don’t think I’d have felt the meaning in putting my ideas forward to the band. I may not have been this way in the past, but I am now.

Interviewer: It’s fascinating that people like you come together to focus on one thing and make it grow bigger and keep it going for so long. Don’t you feel that you get a lot of influence and inspiration from the people you’re doing this with?

Kai: That’s exactly why it’s a band. There are things that, on my own, I’d never be able to do, but with these five, we can make them happen, just like that. For instance, none of us felt any fear about not releasing anything last year. (laughs)

Interviewer: Normally, you’d think not releasing anything would make you lose popularity. (laughs)

Kai: Ah… (laughs).

Interviewer: But more than worrying about that, you have things you want to protect within the band. So, as long as you can do that, the future doesn’t scare you.

Kai: Yeah, exactly. I’ve also stopped paying attention to other bands lately. I used to worry a lot about what this band or that band was doing, but now… I don’t care at all. It’s more like, ‘Oh, that’s happening?’ and that’s it.

Interviewer: Maybe that’s because you have something important to hold on to now—a sense of certainty that keeps you grounded.

Kai: Definitely. I have complete confidence that the GazettE has something only we can bring to the table.

Interviewer: That’s a great band you’re in.

Kai: It really is. I feel lucky to be here, in this place.

Interviewer: That’s how you feel?

Kai: Yeah… It makes me feel like I’ve got to work even harder. (laughs)

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Scans cr: The Archive (rad-is-more) Translation: ChatGPT

[jeankluv]

Birdie | Satoru Gojo - Chapter 04

Words: 4,9k

Summary: You didn’t like him, at all. But due to your bad luck you would have to be forced to work with him and different circumstances end up leading you to the fact that perhaps the word dislike is not the one you use to describe him.

Warnings this chapter: mentions of wounds

ac: _3aem

Tags: modern au, college au, fem!reader, academic rivals, he fell first, fluff, old money Gojo Satoru, abusive parents, slight slow burn, Satoru is a softy, secondary couple (Geto Suguru x oc), a bit of angst, no use of y/n, eventual smut, Gojo plays basketball

Authors notes: I was going to post this one during the weekend but I felt like posting before. I want to thank everyone leaving lovely messages and likes on each of the chapters, this motivates me so much to keep writing this story. Thank you.

Materialist | previous chapter | next chapter

Links to the fic on: wattpad | ao3

You were sitting on the floor of your apartment as you put things into boxes and waited for Gojo to arrive. After meeting him in the cafeteria and having insisted on coming and that he would show you even if he had to help with all the moving, you haven't seen him again. He hadn't even shown up in class, which was extremely rare. If your memory didn't fail you, Gojo had never missed a class.

Kyoko had told you that Suguru had told her something about family matters, so you didn't give any more importance to the fact that he wasn't going to show up to class for sometime.

The address wasn't complicated enough to take so long, and on top of that he could have sent you a message or something, so you wouldn't have to wait an hour or so.

You only wished he was not going to leave you waiting for him all day. Or else…

The doorbell rang suddenly, making you jump on your seat. You got up and walked to open the door.

He was finally here.

"Finally you're here." You said opening the door. "I already thought this was a bad joke or…" Your face dropped. "Gojo! What happened?!"

His face was purple and he had some wounds with the scab already coming off. Your heart was beating a mile an hour. Had they attacked him coming here? A thief? No, the wounds didn't seem recent.

"Oh birdie you're worried about me?" A smirk formed on his face.

"Don't joke in a situation like that asshole!" You reprimanded him. "Of course I'm worried if someone appears all wounded in my front door."

Turning on your heel you headed to the sink, you knew the house had a first aid kit, maybe you could treat him with some of it.

"Birdie…” He muttered approaching you. "It's okay, they are old."

"You got into a fight?" You left the first aid kit back on it's place. "I never pictured you like those kind of boys."

"A bad boy?" A smirk appeared on his lips.

"No. An asswhole who would get on a fight and would end up all wounded.”

He looked at you and then smiled. "Should we start?" He turned around and walked around the tiny apartment.

"Yeah. I brought my notebook and everything the professor gave us." You said taking everything out of your bag. "This is not the best place to study… but since you insisted so much, we will have to deal with these boxes and everything around us."

"You used to live here?" He sat down on the bed. "It's…"

"Tiny? I know but it was the best I could get when I got here." You sat next to him.

He nodded and grabbed one of your notebooks from your hands. "Your parents don't live in…"

"I don't have parents." You cut him off. You didn't want to talk about the matter and hoped that Gojo would catch it with the cold tone you used.

Gojo cleared his throat and murmured a sorry, before turning to face you.

Placing the notebook between the two of you, he spoke. "So…" He looked at the notebook. "What's exactly what you don't understand?"

You thought for a moment. "I guess the problems." You pointed them out. "I understand most of the formulas but when it comes to start resolving the problem I find it confusing and ended up taking data that is not, or so I think." You mumbled the last part.

"It's true that the way professor Tanaka redacts her problems are a bit confusing, but once you realize how she redacts them you will see that they are always the same." He pointed out. "If you know the equations it shouldn't be difficult for you." He looked at you. "Let's start with this one, try to solve it and I will also do the same and see where you fail okay?" You shook your head and Gojo smiled, grabbing a pen from your desk and a piece of paper to start on with the problem.

Minutes started to pass and you were embarrassed, you didn't want to look at Gojo because you knew he finished the problem long ago but here you were looking at the result you obtained knowing that it was impossible to get to that conclusion.

You had been competing against Gojo these last few years to be the best academically and you had never managed to surpass him and now you were embarrassed because a stupid subject had stuck and you were unable to advance.

You dropped your head forward, it already hurt and it was only the first problem.

"Bridie…" You heard Gojo spoke. "You need help with the problem?"

You nodded without looking up and you could see how his hand took your notebook and turned it a little so he could see what you had done. He would probably think you were an idiot and laugh at you.

"Let's do it together, okay?" You nodded again.

What expression would he have at that moment? Was he holding back his laugh? You wanted to look up but you were too embarrassed.

"Let me sit next to you." You could feel how he moved and stood next to you. "This way we can both read the statement." You murmured okay and then he started to explain. "Well, what I usually do is point out the important aspects of the problem." He pointed to the information. "And then write them down on the sheet, so you have a global idea of everything."

He began to write everything down and write down the names of what each thing was. It was true that that way you could see everything more clearly.

"If in the problem can be done, I usually make a drawing."

"I used to do that in chemistry." You said.

"Yeah me too." He responded. "That way it was easier to know what quantities each mixture needed." You nodded. "Well, it's similar here, that way you get an idea of what you're looking for." He finished drawing and showed it to you. "Do you see it clearer that way?" He said, turning the page and showing it to you.

You definitely did and now things made sense, not like before. You nodded and Gojo handed you the paper so you could do the problem. You started doing it, now everything was easier.

"I will be back in a minute." He stood up and exited for a moment.

You saw him leave and you paid your attention back to the problem again, this time you would get it and if you used what Gojo had taught you again you could solve the rest of the problems without help.

You felt like a weight was lifted from your shoulders being able to master this. Passing all the subjects meant that you would continue to qualify for the scholarship so you could continue studying, but if you failed in any of them, the scholarship would disappear and your dream of continuing with your degree and graduating would also disappear.

You smiled when you checked the result, it was correct. You had done it. You looked at the door where Gojo had left and when you saw that he did not return, you got to work on the rest of the problems using the method that Gojo had taught you. Underline, write down, draw (if possible).

Underline, write down, draw (if possible).

Underline, write down, draw (if possible).

You don't know how much time had passed when Gojo returned, but you had managed to solve 5 problems on your own.

"Birdie, I went and buy…"

"I solved them!" You showed him. "I did it!"

Gojo looked at you and then at the page. "You did it. Good job birdie." He smiled. "That's because I am an excellent teacher."

You laughed and rolled your eyes. "Actually it's because I'm an excellent student."

"Sure…" He looked around. "I think our lesson for today it's over."

"What? You almost did nothing."

"I helped you understand how to solve the problems!" He replied.

"And? What a shitty teacher you are." You crossed your arms and sat on the bed.

"You mad at me birdie?" He sat next to you. "Come on, I bought you snacks." He moved the bag in the air.

"Snacks?" You looked and tried to grab the bag.

"No, no, no." He shook his head with a playful smirk drawn on his face. "First you need to admit I'm an excellent teacher."

You huffed, brushing a strand of your hair out of front of you. "Okay, you're the best tutor I've ever had." Gojo smiled and handed you the bag.

"Hey, have you had any other private tutors?" He looked at you while you rummaged through the bag and grabbed one of the snacks.

"No." You smiled while eating a piece of the snack.

Gojo laughed. "So obviously I'm the best."

"Of course, there hasn't been any other." You shrugged.

"Now." He stood up from the bed. "How should I help you here?" He looked around.

"You are going to help me?" You looked at him swallowing the piece you just ate.

"Sure. And don't say there is no need."

"Hmm." You thought, he was taller and stronger than you. "Could you bring me down the things that are in the top of the closet? Most of them are winter clothes or old things, but I barely get there and they are quite heavy." Gojo looked where you were pointing and nodded. "Thank you."

"We can have another tutoring session through the week." Gojo said. "We have the same free hours, so… if you want."

"Yeah, okay." You nodded. "I still have some doubts on another aspect of the subject, maybe you can help me."

"Of course I can, I'm the best."

"You're the best." You said at the same time, rolling your eyes. "Again thank you Gojo, for… helping me, I guess." The words had cost you, but they were finally out.

"Birdie." You looked up at him and he was shaking his head. "I should be the one thanking you."

You tilted your head to the side, what did that mean? "Why?"

"I guess for giving me a chance or something like that?" He left one of the bags he had taken on the floor. "I know you don't like me, I don't know why, really, but I'm glad they put us in that job together." He smiled at you. "It will be the last time you have to put up with me."

What did he mean with that last sentence? Gojo climbed back onto the chair and continued taking out the bags without saying a single word again. You also did your thing, keeping things in a box and leaving everything as if no one had ever lived in that apartment. But you couldn't get that phrase out of your head, next year you would share even more classes, in the end you were studying the same branch, why did he said that as if he wasn't going to come back?

You looked around at the boxes, not many, but full of what you had brought from your grandmother's house and what you had been buying and acquiring these last two years, nearly three years. It was at times like this where you missed having your grandmother with you or having been able to have your mother next to you and that she would have been there to see you grow.

You hoped that they were both looking down on you and feeling proud of what you were slowly achieving.

The ringing of a phone snapped you out of your momentary trance. You grabbed your phone to see that it wasn't yours, it was Gojo's, who was leaning face down on your old bed.

"Hmm, Gojo." You called him, he was still taking care of winter clothes you told him to. He looked at you and you pointed to his phone. "Someone is calling."

"Can you check who it is?" You nodded and grabbed it.

"It says… mother." You didn't know if it was your feeling or what, but you could swear that Gojo tensed up the moment you said the word mother.

"Hang up and put the phone on silent please." You nodded without asking questions, you didn't want to get involved in matters that weren't yours.

You felt a pinch in your heart as you thought about the tone Gojo had used. He didn't seem to get along with his mother, or maybe they were just angry about something. You've heard rumors about the Gojo clan, who hasn't? The entire university had heard them. Satoru Gojo was the only son and grandson, which made him the heir. An extremely rich heir.

The Gojo clan had dedicated more than three generations to their law firm and had gained incredible fame, positioning them in the upper class of Japan. From what you understood, Gojo's great-grandfather had been the one who started the business, in the 1930s he traveled with his wife to the United States where he started from scratch and managed to make his way and by the 1960s he was already a truly known man, and returned to Japan where he earned the respect of the upper classes. His son inherited the business after the death of him and later Gojo's father and now it would be Satoru Gojo's turn. But he had decided to take another alternative and ignore the wishes of his family.

When you had your first encounter with Satoru Gojo, the first day, when he dumped you and didn't even look at you, you thought he was a brat and later that day you learned who he was. The rich boy from the Gojo clan.

When you started classes you thought he was there for his parents' money, you never saw him doing anything and you knew from the voices in the hallways that he went from party to party every weekend. They said that he never slept with the same girl, he had seemed like a textbook fuckboy to you.

That is why you were distrustful and so extremely curt with him. You couldn't trust him, but the bastard made it really difficult. You had gotten to know him a little and something inside you had softened, even if you wanted to ignore it.

You shook your head. You could stop thinking about it. Once the work was finished everything would be over, yes that's. Everything would end, but why did that make you feel sad?

"In the clouds again, birdie?" Breath hit your ear causing you to stir.

"Fuck Gojo!" You turned to look at him covering your ear. You hadn't heard him come down from where he was.

He smiled showing his teeth. "I'm done. What do you want me to do now?" You looked around thinking. "I can help you with your underwear if you want." He smiled sideways. The colors of your face were probably at their peak. You wanted to kill him for teasing you like that.

"Gojo, you want to die?" He laughed.

"I was kidding birdie. But c'mon what can I do for you?" Fuck, there it was that look again and you heart beating loudly on your chest.

"Put the kitchen utensils in the boxes." You pointed your finger at the boxes on the dining room table.

*･゜ﾟ･*:.｡..｡.:*･''･*:.｡. .｡.:*･゜ﾟ･*

A couple of hours had passed since Gojo's arrival at your former apartment, the sun was now setting. The apartment appeared nearly untouched, as if no one had lived in before. You wiped your forehead with a tissue and glanced at Gojo, who was diligently packing items into boxes.

There had been little conversation between you two; in fact, Gojo had hardly uttered a word since you mentioned his mother's phone call. He hadn't even agreed to take a break, indicating his determination to assist you in getting everything sorted as quickly as possible.

Sitting on the bed, you idly swung your feet in the air, waiting for Gojo to finish packing the last of the items he held. If someone were to walk in at that moment, they might assume something entirely different. I mean, who would come to assist a mere "classmate" in cleaning up their old apartment? Hardly anyone, right? That's what made Gojo's actions so puzzling. Why did he choose to help? Did he have hidden motives, or was it simply an act of goodwill? You couldn't say for sure, and part of you hesitated to even ask and find out.

"All done." Gojo spoke putting both hands on his waist and showing his smile. He really had a perfect smile.

"Good." You stood up. "Thank you."

"You're welcome birdie." He said patting your head.

You moved his hand. "I'm not a dog for you to do that to me." You said upset.

"Alright."

He walked past you with a smile and grabbed his cell phone that was still on the bed. The smile disappeared when he looked at the screen. Had something happened? Gojo looked really distraught. You had to do something, right?

"Gojo are you…?" You started to talk.

"I need to make a call, I will be right back." And he existed the apartment leaving you alone.

You turned around on your own feet and sat back down on the bed. Was he alright? Should you ask him?

"What would Kyoko do in a situation like this?" You whispered to yourself.

Probably she would try to talk to him and comfort him. But for Kyoko was something natural for you, not at all, you didn't know how to handle feelings well, you weren't good with your own, not to mention the others. You grabbed your phone started playing with it, nervously trying to figure it what to do once Gojo was back.

You were so lost in your own thoughts that you didn't hear Gojo re-enter. You didn't notice his presence until you felt the mattress next to you sink, indicating that he had sat next to you. You had your back turned to him so you couldn't see his face. It was then when you felt his arm grab you from behind, making you shiver at that sensation. What the fuck was he doing?

"Gojo, what…?"

Gojo cut you off before finishing the question. "Just stay like this." He hid his face in the crook of your exposed neck. And he muttered against your skin. "Please…"

You remained silent, offering no protest or words. It was the first time you witnessed Gojo in such a vulnerable state. Resting your chin on your hand, you gazed at the white wall of your old room. The room echoed only with your faint breaths, mingled with the distant sounds of the bustling street.

Feeling moisture on your shoulder, you realized Gojo was crying as he held onto you. Uncertain of how to respond, you grappled with the dilemma â€" should you ask him, step away, or maintain a silent pretense? Opting for the cowardly choice, you remained silent, pretending it wasn't unfolding.

After a few minutes, Gojo released his grip, audibly sniffing. Without turning around, you rose from your position and headed to the kitchen. It was nearly 11 pm, and you needed to return to Kyoko's house. Fortunately, you managed to organize and clean everything, making it easier for you to retrieve your belongings later.

"I…" You swallowed. "I think it's time to go." You still didn't turn around, he probably didn't want you to see him in that state.

"Yeah…" He whispered and you heard him moving from his place.

Your heart was pounding in your chest. You were afraid that with the silence that was there, Gojo would hear it. You felt his presence behind you. Shit, you should have asked him how he was feeling? Something?

"Take your things, I will take you home." He said passing next to you and exiting the apartment.

Taking a deep breath, you pondered the recent emotional outburst. How should you respond to this unexpected side of Gojo? His tears left you perplexed, and the tired, sorrowful tone in his voice during the call lingered in your thoughts. It struck a chord, reminiscent of your own moments of vulnerability with your grandmother.

Despite your usual disdain for Gojo, you found a desire to comfort and uplift him. You wished for the return of the annoying yet smiling Gojo, even if most of the time, you wanted to strangle him.

Heading to the apartment's desk, you gathered bags containing items for Kyoko's house, leaving the rest for donation. Struggling with the weight, you loaded your backpack and carried multiple bags on each side. Now, burdened with a load twice as heavy, you realized you genuinely needed Gojo's help. Stumbling out of the apartment, you navigated the challenge of your hefty cargo.

"Sorry." You noticed how your left shoulder lightened. "I was so deep in thought that I didn't notice the bags you wanted to carry." Gojo had taken all the bags in your hands without any effort. It wasn't surprising, after all he was the star of the basketball team.

"It's okay…" You followed him. "I was handling it just right."

"It don't look like that." He smirked.

Oh he was back. And you were happy.

"For real." You replied.

"For someone that has a black belt in taekwondo, you are actually pretty weak birdie." Now he was mocking you.

"Did Kyoko tell you that?" He nodded. "Well let me tell you I have pretty strong legs."

"I would love to see that." He said with a smirk, leaving the bags in the car.

Your cheeks turned, you knew he was saying it with other intentions. "Gojo, don't you dare. Or I'm going to kick your ass for real." You slammed the backpack against his chest causing a whimper to leave his lips.

"Alright bridie, but be careful with me. I'm a delicate guy." He pouted.

Rolling your eyes, you settled into the passenger seat, and Gojo started the car. As you directed him to Kyoko's home, a comfortable silence enveloped the car, only disrupted by the radio's music. Despite the lack of conversation, it didn't feel awkward.

The recent emotional episode played on a loop in your mind. The urge to ask if he was okay lingered, but uncertainty held you back. Sneaking glances at him from the corner of your eyes, you couldn't deny his attractive profile. Everything about him seemed perfect, explaining why everyone seemed captivated by him.

"Eh…" You played with your fingertips. "Gojo." You heard him humming. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah!" It didn't sound genuine. "Don't worry."

You nodded, although you didn't trust his words. He wasn't telling you the truth but you didn't want to pressure him, so you let it be. You closed your eyes and you leaned back in the seat, leaving your mind blank and letting the dim street lights increase your sleep.

At some point you actually fell asleep because the next thing you remember is fingers leaving a strand behind your ear. You opened your eyes and rubbed them, it was already completely night outside.

"Was my car comfortable, bridie?" You nodded still sleepy. "So cute." You heard him softly laugh.

"Huh?" You snapped back and looked at him.

"Good morning or should I say good night?" He titled his head.

"I fell asleep?" He nodded. "Shit, sorry…"

"Don't worry, you looked cute with the drool falling." She teased you as she brought her hand up to touch your chin.

You hit his hand and turned your head to avoid his gaze, you felt like your cheeks were burning at that exact moment. "Gojo, you're an idiot."

He laughed and then cleared his throat. "Mhm… Next Friday we have…" He paused for a moment playing with his hands on the wheel. "We have a basketball game."

"Good luck." Although you knew they didn't need it after all Gojo was there and he was the star of the team, of course.

"I would like you to attend." That tone, was he nervous?

"Gojo, I have to work."

"Talk to Haibara I'm sure he won't mind. Or I will talk with him." You shook your head.

"No." You moved on your seat. "Gojo, tell me something." He hummed. "Why?"

"Why?"

"Yeah, why do you want me to go to the play?"

He fell silent, you could tell he was trying to find an answer. Was it that difficult to tell you why? "Just because?"

"Just because?" You repeated. "That's not an answer Gojo."

He sighed in defeat. "I would like you to be there." He looked at you. "So please come."

Now you were the one that stayed quiet. He wanted you there? Why? Was this a joke? So many questions were formulating in your head and you were feeling so weird about it.

"Birdie?" You came back when you heard his voice. "You ok…"

"I need to leave." Unbucking the seat belt and opening the door. "I'll see you tomorrow in class, right?" To which Gojo nodded. "Good! Then see you tomorrow and treat those wounds so they don't get worse." You got out of the car and turned one last time to say goodbye. "Good, see you! Bye!" And you can swear you ran grabbing all the things and trying not to fall in the front door.

You entered the house and dropped everything to the floor, making a big noise. You touched your forehead, did you have a fever again? No that was not it.

You heard your name and saw Kyoko's mom in front of you. "Honey, you are all red!" She approached you. "Are you sick again?" She said touching your face.

"It's okay, I just… everything was really heavy and I got tired." You looked at the bags.

"Did you bring everything on your own?" She said worried. "You should've called."

"No, no." You shook your head. "A friend helped me out."

"Oh okay honey." She smiled. "Kyoko still hasn't come back."

"Really?" You looked at her with surprise.

She left before you in the morning and was almost dinner. But that was a good thing, She must have been having a good time with Suguru.

"Do you know by any chance the guy she was meeting?"

"Yeah, he goes to the same college as us and it's our age." You smiled. "And don't worry, I think he is a really good guy."

"It's good to hear that. Let me help you with those bags." She took some of the bags and you did the same with the others.

As you unpacked your belongings, primarily clothes, you couldn't help but notice the stark contrast between your wardrobe and Kyoko's. While you leaned towards black attire, Kyoko embraced a more flirtatious style with bows and pastel colors. Despite these differences, your bond remained strong, understanding each other perfectly.

The sound of approaching footsteps and the creak of the door opening interrupted your thoughts, signaling someone's entrance into your room.

"Ah." Kyoko sighed. "I might be in love." She threw herself to your bed.

"Was it a good date?" You said, crossing your legs and looking at her.

"The best." She sighed again. "He was… ugh." She hid her face in your pillow. "He was so attentive, I had never had such a good date."

"Wow." You let out in surprise. "You are for real?" She nodded. "I'm so happy for you Kyoko. Suguru seems like a nice guy."

"Thank you." She smiled. "And how was yours?"

"My what?"

"Your date."

"I didn't have a date, Gojo came to help me study."

"Okay, so your study date." You held a pillow and threw it to her. "Sorry. But did you study?"

"Yeah… He actually helped me a lot." You sighed.

You wanted to tell Kyoko about what happened with Gojo but you felt it was too private to go around telling other people.

"What's up with that sighed?" Kyoko questioned you.

"Nothing, just thinking." You bit your lip, Kyoko probably knew you were hiding something from her. You needed to bring up another topic. "Gojo asked me to go to his match."

Kyoko let out a gasp and crawled over to you so she was facing you. "Next week?" You nodded. "Suguru asked me too!" She grabbed your hands. "We have to go."

"I have to work that day."

"Talk to your coworker…" She put her puppy eyes.

"Don't use those eyes on me." You looked the other way. "But I might talk with him."

"Yay!" Kyoko screamed. "It will be so fun."

Kyoko stayed in your bedroom for the next couple of hours, both of you stayed talking about different things. She also told you more details of her date and so on. It was almost 2 a.m. when you laid down on your bed. You were going to be tired in your classes, but spending time with your best friend as if you were 14 was worth it.

You spent the night reflecting on the unexpected events of Gojo's vulnerability, the request to attend his basketball game, and the strange connection that seemed to be developing. As you drifted into sleep, you wondered about the complexity of relationships and the uncertainties that lay ahead.

Author’s note: fourth chapter done. Ngl the scene of Satoru back hugging birdie was inspired by the scene of Maomao and Jinshi from The Apothecary diaries. Also birdie is starting to be softer when it comes to Satoru, our girl has trust issues

- if you wanna get tagged, comment -

Tag list: @lavender-hvze, @crybabytoru, @sanriosatoru, @norvacaine, @sadmonke, @faetoraa , @hexipessimistic , @gojoful

[tojifile]

@Dazai Osamu . . . ( ﾉ´ヮ`) ﾉ

Tags: ada!dazai, camgirl!reader, mentions of sex, suggestive, pining, cursing

A/N: Since a lot of people liked the first part I’m going to write chapter two. No, they don’t have sex. And Yes, the chapter title is a Taylor Swift reference. No, I am not a swiftie, I am a casual enjoyer. (December Mo: Hi guys, this will be my LAST post with the old style and probably the last time I’ll be doing a long, drawn-out fic. The old title was ‘Whiskey on Ice’ so that explains what I said before.)

Inspo: Mingwa’s BJ Alex. Links: Part 1 , Masterlist

Camgirl’s Crush – 💋

“I was wondering if you wanted to go to a bar with me tonight, since you did say I was such a good boy today.” Dazai whispered seductively in your ear. You felt the heat of his breath on your neck, “O- okay..” you nervously spoke. Dazai had a way of making you feel nervous at times, especially when his moves are sensual.

You’ve experienced teasing and flirting before, but when he whispers in your ear, when he pays attention to your idiosyncrasies, when he takes you out on little dates; only to disguise it as “work lunch” you feel—special.

Dazai was still holding you by the waist as you walked back to the agency to clock out. You told him that the both of you had to do it before going to the bar to which Dazai reluctantly agreed; he just wanted to make you happy. “Osamu-kun, people might make up stories if they see us together like this..”

Like he cared anyways. He chuckled at your worries, “Ah darling! You don’t need to worry about that! Pretty soon, those rumors would be true anyways, yeah?” Without thinking, you immediately respond, “yeah!”

You then realized what you just said. Your face turned red and you looked away from Dazai. “I- ‘m.. sorry.” You nervously mumbled. Dazai found your actions adorable! You were just so cute, he wanted to keep you all to himself.

Once you got to the agency, Dazai hurriedly clocked the both of you out while you waited for him downstairs. While he was upstairs, you thought of your moments with Dazai, you wanted him so bad. You’d fantasize about him during your streams and sometimes—at work. You were definitely not proud of that.

“Darling!” Dazai’s words snapped you back into reality. He ran to you then scooped you up into his arms, carrying you roughly to the bar. “Osamu!! Put me down!” You huffed.

But he didn’t, and you were happy. He almost makes you want to quit streaming. You just want to be his and you hope he wants to be yours. You just held onto him tightly, silently hoping he liked you back.

Dazai smiled softly as you held onto him tightly. He liked you like this, sweet and vulnerable. If there was one thing on his mind, it’d be if there was someone else or not, if you heard of him—IU, and if you could hear the love in him, waiting to burst.

His touchiness with you didn’t stop when you got to the bar. Not that you expected it to, but it was quite the opposite. He placed you on top of him, with your back to his chest as his bandaged arms encircled your waist.

He bought you drinks, obviously, he wanted you drunk. Dazai wanted to take advantage of his cute little coworker who may or may not be his favorite cam girl, not that he watches any other.

“Darling..” he whispered in a deep, sultry voice. “Wanna go home to my place? I’ll take care of you, I promise.” You only nodded in response. You knew you shouldn’t, you knew this couldn’t be. But you were only human, a slave to your urges. And right now, what you want is Dazai Osamu.

He gently laid you on his bed once you got to his apartment. Can you believe he carried you all the way there? It was his fault anyways, he got you so drunk!

“So cute..” he whispered underneath his breath. “‘Samu..” you called out softly. You then put your arms up, opening and closing your fists, wanting him to give you a hug. God! If you were sober this would’ve been embarrassing, acting like a fucking baby?!

“Hold me!!” You whined, to which Dazai chuckled. But he still happily complied. Taking off your shoes and sitting beside you on his bed, pulling you closer to his body. “Such a cute girl..” he whispered as he gave you a kiss on the cheek.

As the clock struck 10PM he saw that there was no new livestream, but there was an announcement. But he knew you had typed this out when you were waiting for him downstairs as he clocked the both of you out. Such a sneaky girl.

There was no going back now that Dazai knew that his adorable, seemingly innocent coworker was a cam girl.

@toxicramune @oh-my-beel @nymphsdomain @morinuu – Comment 🪩 to be on my taglist !

++ @yasu-masashige @ninin8nin (who asked for pt.2)

[an0ther1]

Two Is Always Better Than One pt.2

Leah x Alessia

A/N: This is the “2nd” chapter of a 3 part short series I have on AO3. Thanks for all the dog name suggestions.

“LEE! LEAH! Swear I need to put a tracking device on you in this house.” Leah could hear from down the hall.

“In the study, love.” Leah was setting up their football photos throughout the room. They had been in the house for 3 weeks now. They had some custom built-ins made for the study and painted a few rooms before all their furniture and personal items were moved in. They still had a few things to unpack.

“That Martha woman got back to me!” Alessia started before she crossed the threshold. When she entered the room and saw the confusion on Leah’s face she continued. “The lady with the foster puppies the shelter told us about. Remember, the shelter we went to on Tuesday told us about those puppies that had been found by the pond in London Colney, they nicknamed them the Gooners.”

“OH YEAH!”

“Want to go meet them?”

“Right now?” Leah was still on the step ladder trying to hang an enlarged print of Alessia’s back heel goal against Sweden.

“YES! Before someone else takes the puppy that is meant to be with us!” Alessia smacked her hands against her thighs like a child that was utterly frustrated with having to explain themselves. However this was the first time they had talked about this litter of foster puppies aside from the initial mention of them at the shelter. “You promised me I could have a dog.” Alessia whined.

Leah finally got the picture on the hook in the wall and straightened before descending the small ladder. “Of course we can go see them.”

“YEAH?”

“Yes beautiful” Leah walked over and dropped a kiss to the top of Alessia’s head. “Let me just change my shirt.”

Alessia squealed. “I’ll get the keys and meet you in the car!” Then she was off down the hall, leaving Leah just standing there.

“Never again.” Leah muttered to herself.

15 minutes later they were in a village a stones throw from the training center. “These puppies are Gooners born and raised. One of them is definitely ours!” Alessia bounced in the passenger seat as Leah pulled the car over in front of a small white cottage. She had the door open before Leah even got the engine shut off. The defender could only laugh at her girlfriend's excitement. Alessia at least waited for Leah to catch up before she knocked on the door.

A few puppies could be heard yapping behind the door as well as a woman trying to calm them down. “Saka, get off of Declan. Leah! No, stop pushing Kai around. Little, get a handle on your team.”

Leah and Alessia just looked at each other. The door opened a moment later to reveal an older woman with dark hair that was graying around her face. She had her head turned back towards the dogs in the house when she first greeted the couple. “Hello, sorry for all the yapping. But trying to control 10 pups is-” She stopped mid sentence when she finally turned to face the blondes. “Bloody hell, you’re Alessia Russo and Leah Williamson.”

“That’s us!” Alessia said cherrily. “I emailed you about meeting the foster pups.”

“Really?”

Alessia glanced over at Leah for a moment. “Ah, yeah. I mean, are you Martha?”

“I am.”

“Then I do believe you were the one I was emailing with.”

“Oh. Yes, yes. Sorry. I just. You’re Alessia Russo.” The women then turned to Leah. “And your-” The woman shook her head. “Sorry, I just can’t believe that you two are standing at my door. And clearly my manners have completely left me. Come in. Please.” The woman stood back in the entryway to allow the footballers in. “I have 2 real life Gunners here to meet my Gooners.”

Leah laughed. “It would seem that way. And thank you for letting us come meet them.”

“Oh yes, of course. So, umm.” The woman pointed towards a couch in the living room. “Please have a seat there, or on the floor if you like. So yeah, I’m Martha.”

“Hello Martha. So did you say you have 10 puppies right now?” Leah asked.

“Yes. There are the 6 Gooners that were found near the pond. And then I have 4 others from a pregnant foster I took in. They were born about a week before I took the pups. Since no mother was found with the Gooners, Emilia stepped up and took the 6 in with her own. She’s in the garden right now having a bit of a break.” Martha smiled.

“I thought I heard you say a few names as you came to the door?” Alessia lowered herself onto the floor in front of the couch, which got the attention of several puppies who came bounding over to inspect the new person.

“Oh yes.” Martha chuckled. “All of the pups are named after players. So that one there is Kaka, and that’s Kai. The blonde one is Leah.”

Alessia scooped that one up first. “Well don’t you have the perfect name, pretty girl.” She cooed.

“The one with the long skinny legs is Stina. The dark one is Declan. And then,” Martha looked around the room and continued pointing and naming pups as she saw them. “There is Frida, Foxy, and Victoria.”

“I thought I heard you say Little, and that’s only 8.” Leah pointed out just as there was a crashing sound from somewhere in the house.

The older woman huffed. “That would be McCabe. And I’m sure Little is right behind her trying to get her to stop whatever mischief she has gotten herself into. I’ll be right back.” She headed out of the room.

“She can’t be serious.” Leah said quietly.

“Oh I can’t wait to tell the girls about this.” Alessia said as she rubbed the bellies of 2 of the pups.

A moment later Martha returned with a dog under each arm. A black one who was squirming in an attempt to escape, and a caramel colored one who seemed satisfied the other one had been captured. “These two, are Little and McCabe.”

“Do we need to ask which is which?” Leah chuckled.

“Your guess will be correct, I promise you.” The woman laughed as she set them both down.

McCabe shook like she had just gotten out of a bath before realizing there was someone new sitting on the floor and taking off like a tiny rocket. She barrelled through 2 other puppies before slamming into Alessia at full speed. “You are true to the namesake I see.” Alessia said as she picked the puppy up.

Little sat in the middle of the room for a moment, watching and observing all the other dogs before she seemed to decide everyone was where they should be and wandering over to Leah. She sniffed the defender's outstretched hand before sitting up on her hind legs to be picked up. “Well aren’t you a well mannered little thing.”

“She is definitely the responsible one of the bunch. We think she was the one that kept all the puppies together at the pond as she always seems to be rounding them up and checking on everyone. And then that one.” Martha pointed at McCabe. “Well her and Little are now connected at the hip because she’s always getting into something and Little is always trying to pull her back. Which is funny because McCabe is not one of the 6 Gooners.”

“Yeah, McCabe seems a bit bigger. But she’s younger, yeah?” Alessia asked.

“That’s correct. But, Little is her keeper. So much so that I’m hopeful they’ll find a home together.”

“Awe, aren’t you a sweet one.” Leah had Little on her back in her lap rubbing her chest. “Any idea what they are? Like breeds? They’re all kind of small”

“Well Emilia is part Dachshund. But she is mixed with something a bit heftier too, like a corgi maybe. And then I would guess the Gooners are Dachshund as well, but mixed with something smaller like another terrier. They have rounder snouts too.”

McCabe started getting feisty in Alessia’s lap and immediately Little rolled over from her relaxed position in Leah’s lap and jumped to the floor. She snipped lightly at McCabe’s ear causing the black pup to stop immediately.

“See. Little runs things.”

Alessia was giggling as she picked up McCabe close to her face. “At least you listen to your captain.” The puppy began squireming wildly until the footballer set her down, before taking off across the room full speed, Little hot on her heels. “Those two are adorable.” Alessia began calling over the other puppies who were happy to gain the blonde's attention.

Without a puppy in her own lap Leah pulled out her phone and began taking photos of her girlfriend with several of the pups in her lap, a bright smile on her face. She took several more photos over the next 20 minutes while Alessia rolled around on the floor with the dogs. Every so often you could hear a small bark from across the room and then McCabe would wander back to the middle of the room under Little’s watchful eye. And each time Little seemed satisfied that McCabe was going to stay with the group, the caramel colored pup sat itself at Leah’s feet.

“Kindred spirits it would seem.” Alessia said after the 3rd time.

Leah leaned down and rubbed the dog's ear, causing Little to slump over into her leg. “So it would seem.” She smiled softly.

Slowly one by one the puppies started to lose momentum and began curling up together throughout the room. Little was still settled next to Leah’s feet when McCabe came over and nudged the other dog. When she got no reaction, she crawled up into Alessia’s lap just above Little and plopped down.

Martha smiled at the footballers. “Looks like they’ve taken a liking to you.”

Alessia leaned her head back against the couch looking up at Leah. The look in her eye told Leah everything the younger woman was thinking before she even said anything. “You know, two is always better than one.”

“Is that so?” Leah smirked.

“One is so lonely.” Alessia pouted.

“I spend enough time yelling at McCabe as is.” Leah paused. “We are not keeping that name.”

“REALLY?!” Alessia squealed, waking several of the puppies. All except McCabe it seemed. “Martha, if we wanted to make these 2 ours?” She turned to the older woman.

“I would expect regular Instagram uploads to see how they are doing.” The woman smiled. “This is a private foster situation, so there really isn’t any paperwork or anything to be done if that’s what you’re asking. There are just some questions I like to ask.”

“Fire away!” Alessia hugged a sleeping McCabe to her chest.

“Do you have a fenced yard?”

“Yup! A big one! With lots of things to explore.” Alessia answered.

“Do you have a vet lined up?”

“Beth and Viv said they would give us the information for their vet. Said they highly recommend them. Especially for puppies.” Alessia played with the still sleeping dogs' ears.

“Wonderful. You two do travel. Do you have care lined up for when you are away?”

“We have several people willing to stay at the house with them.” Leah answered.

Martha took a deep breath and exhaled. “Well then. After seeing the four of you together, if you would like to take those babies home with you, I think you would be a great fit for them.”

Alessia spun around on the floor with McCabe in her arms, bright blue eyes looking at Leah. “Yeah?”

“Yeah.” Leah bent down and picked up the sleeping puppy at her feet. Little only opened her eyes slightly, clearly not caring about being handled. “You want to come with us and keep an eye on that little bugga for good? Hmm?”

Martha stood up. “Well then, let me get their things. They each have a toy and blanket. I’ll also give you a bag of the kibble they currently eat. You can keep them on the same brand or change it. You’ll just want to mix this one with whatever you get to help ease their body into the change. And then I have quick info care sheet.” The woman exited the room.

“Are we really taking them home Lee?”

“Yeah Lessi.”

Alessia rose up from the floor to sit on the couch next to Leah. “Thank you, Leah.” She kissed the other blonde softly. “I love you.”

“And I love you.” Leah smiled as she leaned in for another kiss. “I did promise we would get a dog when we had a home with a garden, and I keep my promises.”

“That you do.”

“Alright. Here we are.” Martha reentered the room. “These belong to Little.” She held up a gray blanket and stuffed rabbit. “And these belong to McCabe.” She held up a red blanket and. . .

“Is that a shin pad?” Leah asked with a twisted face.

“It is. I honestly have no idea where it came from. Might be an old thing that belonged to one of my boys that she pulled from a closet.” She shrugged. “But as you can see from the teeth marks, she loves it.”

“She is going to need a new name before we introduce her to any of the girls.” Leah shook her head.

“Do we? It just seems to fit so well.” Alessia whined.

Leah leveled her with a glare.

“Fine.” Alessia rolled her eyes. “Martha, do you take donations or anything to help take care of these little ones or other fosters.”

“I personally don’t. I’m fortunate enough to be able to have a few fosters at once and manage. But if you would like, please donate to the shelter that sent you my way. They’re the ones that need the most help.”

“I will do that then.” Alessia smiled. “Alright McCabe. Are you ready to go see your new home? How about you, Little?” She scratched behind the ear of the pup in Leah’s lap before standing up with McCabe in her arms. Leah followed suit with Little in her arms.

Martha handed the items for each puppy to the footballer that was holding them. She leaned in and placed a kiss on top of each dog's head. “You behave.” She said to McCabe. “And keep her out of trouble.” She said to Little. “Right. I’ll get the door.”

Leah and Alessia followed Martha to the door. “Thank you so much Martha. It was a pleasure meeting you. And we’ll be sure to post plenty of pictures to keep you updated.” Alessia started.

“Yes, thank you very much.” Leah echoed.

“I can’t wait to see the official announcement with the names you pick.” Martha opened the door. “It was lovely meeting you both. Take care.” She remained on the porch and waved as the couple drove away.

On the way home, they made a stop at the pet shop for essential supplies. Mostly. They got a playpen to help contain the pups in the kitchen, or outside until they were a bit bigger, pee pads, puppy training treats, collars, harnesses and leads, and half the toy aisle. Alessia wanted to let the dogs have anything they picked. So every single toy that McCabe picked up and thrashed about went into the trolly. Little had picked up a single toy and carried it throughout the entire shop and car park as she sat in the trolly.

“We should have got that carrier that holds the dog to your chest like a baby.” Leah said as she held tightly to a wiggling puppy. “McCabe, seriously.”

“Here.” Alessia grabbed one of the toys they had purchased and handed it to Leah, which was swiftly snatched by the black pup who began thrashing in the defender's arms. “Calm down Stitch.”

Leah stopped walking. Alessia stopped the trolly a few steps later, turning back to her girlfriend. “What?” The striker asked over her shoulder.

“McCabe is Stitch. And Little is Lilo.” Leah looked at each pup as she said the names.

Alessia looked between the dogs and Leah. “Oh my gawd, Le! They are!” She scooped the caramel colored puppy out of the trolly. “What do you think Little? Hmm? I think Lilo would be a perfect name for you. And she.” She turned towards Leah and the other pup. “Is definitely Stitch.” Alessia took a few steps to Leah. “Lilo and Stitch, yeah?”

“Lilo and Stitch.”

Alessia gave Leah a quick kiss. “Come on. Let’s get the car loaded.”

The couple continued through the car park and loaded their items into the boot. Each pup still holding on to a toy. When they were settled into their seats, Alessia pulled out her phone. “Hold Stitch for a sec, Le. I want to send a pic to the girls.”

StarGirl23: jpeg.

StarGirl23: Anyone want to come over and meet Lilo and Stitch?

[o-kaythislooksbad]

ailesswhumptober day 31: panic attack / facing a phobia / "you need to get out of here!"

chapter 3 / 3 of we should get our act together | rated t, no archive warnings apply

"i don't know about this." the wind blows against eddie's back, sending a shiver down his spine. "do we have to?"

yes. we cannot be a lethal protector for this city if we remain only on the ground.

"we cannot be taken seriously with a name like that," eddie grumbles.

then think of this as an incentive: if you can face your fear of heights, successfully climb down this building and then up the fire escape of the next one, we will put the name to a vote.

eddie takes a deep breath as he looks over the edge. the abandoned apartment complex is only six stories, and it's not like venom told him to jump this time. 

"what about you?" eddie asks. "we seem to be spending a lot of time on my issues."

that is because you have a lot of issues. 

"rude."

do this for me, and the next issue we explore will be one of mine.

it's the 'for me' more than the prospect of learning one of the symbiote's weaknesses that gets eddie moving. he's driven by curiosity and a need to know how things work, but eddie couldn't care less to look at the inner workings of himself or doing things for his own benefit. he had, during particularly low points in his life, before realizing that he'd be lost in the woods forever if he kept digging around. for reasons he'd rather not dwell on, if someone he cares about asks eddie to do something but phrases it as a favor for them rather than an obligation to himself, eddie is eager to obey.

knowing that venom is there to catch him if he falls, rather than his body hitting the pavement, is both anxiety-inducing and relieving. after five months together, it's getting easier to believe venom when they say that they won't let anything hurt eddie. 

knowing that the only people around to see him fail are total strangers who he'll never have to see again also helps ease some of the fear. nonetheless, trusting the gloves and boots venom forms for him to climb down the brick façade is terrifying, and eddie's mind is focused on moving one limb at a time until he eventually has his feet flat on the pavement. 

yes! venom congratulates him. eddie, you climbed down the entire building and did not stumble once!

venom's pride overshadows eddie's doubt, hitting the little part of his brain that craves praise but will never admit it, and makes climbing the fire escape easier, even though eddie knows what awaits him at the top. 

"can i… can i just sit for a minute first?" eddie asks. 

of course. venom retreats until their entire being is merged with eddie's hoodie.

eddie takes a few shaky breaths, folds his legs beneath him, and runs his fingers through the gravely rooftop. it's grounding, familiar, and he's ready for the next phase within a few minutes. he stands, nods, and watches as venom envelopes him entirely. 

we have done this before, they reassure him. we will anchor a tendril to the next building, and use it to swing across. it will then act as a grappling hook, and we will use it to climb down.

eddie retreats to the back of his mind, letting venom take control of the maneuver and the walk back. he doesn't settle back into his skin until he's in the shower, relaxing under the lukewarm water. 

this, venom says, five minutes into eddie's shower.

"sorry, what?"

one of my issues. water.

"wait. we've walked through thunderstorms, i shower at least three times a week, and you're only telling me now that you have a phobia of water?"

this is fine. the big water, when it covers a lot of the earth - i do not enjoy it at all.

"the seas and oceans? i think we can manage to stay away from those."

thank you, eddie.

"yeah, no problem. wouldn't want you to be uncomfortable here." eddie rinses the conditioner out of his hair and turns off the tap. the tendril tattooed on eddie's wrist writhes around. "something else you wanted to say?"

the big water… it is not as frightening to me as the tall places are for you.

"that's fine," eddie says as he dries his hair. "you don't owe me or anyone else an explanation how much something bothers you, or why it does. it's enough to know that it does, so i'll do my best to keep you safe from it."

[kingyo-konbini]

AMERICANO [PORTGAS D. ACE X READER]

[SUMMARY] you, chopper, and zoro offer to take the valentine's day shifts at the cafe, and you meet a man with a possible caffeine addiction. [PRONOUNS] gender neutral [GENRE] modern + coffee shop au [POV] second person [WORD COUNT] 1534 [CONTENT] first meetings | valentine's day | possibly slightly ooc Ace? [A/N] belongs to this one shot collection. kind of a valentine's day special I guess

You sipped casually on your drink, eyes fanning over the surprisingly bustling cafe before you.

Well, it shouldn’t have been a surprise, really. Valentine’s day was a prime opportunity for couples to go to cute little cafes and eat cute little desserts while drinking cute little drinks.

No, you weren’t bitter. Not at all.

Between you and the two coworkers you’d be working with that day, you were probably the one with the most complicated relationship regarding the holiday. Zoro hardly had a romantic bone in his body and could not care less about the quote-unquote “meaningless holiday,” and Chopper, while you knew he had the occasional crush, was just a kid and focused more on his studies and his job than any romantic aspirations.

You just didn’t want to be left alone to mope in your apartment while your roommate was off galivanting around town.

The sound of multiple cans hitting the counter drew your attention away from the couples, eyes landing on the man standing before you. He steadied the three cans of Red Bull and then turned to the bake case, eyes widening at the broad selection.

“Welcome to the Thousand Sunny, what can I get you today?” You put your drink away and tried not to focus on how handsome he was, even if there was something a little… greasy about him.

“Oh! Hi there.” The man straightened and shot you a cheeky grin, one hand going to scratch the back of his neck. He stared at you for a minute, like he’d been caught off guard or something, and you fought back the flush in your cheeks that came from being singled out in his attention. “Can I get one of those sandwich things with the egg on top, as many chocolate croissants as you’re willing to give me, three lemon bars, and four fruit tarts? Oh, and a medium extra-extra-hot americano with two extra shots in a large cup?”

Your fingers hovered over the screen, mouth open despite your best efforts to hide your surprise at the large order. You blinked, trying to process everything, when a knight in shining armor appeared.

“Ace?” Zoro’s voice came from behind you. You quickly glanced over, relieved that he’d come to your rescue and seemed to know this freckled, Hawaiian shirt-wearing guy. Wait, what did Zoro call him? “What are you doing here? Luffy doesn’t work today.”

“Ah, yeah, I know. I was craving something sweet so I thought I’d swing by during my lunch.” He smiled at Zoro, who moved to take your place in front of the monitor. You gladly let him. “It’s good to see you, man. Thanks for taking care of Luffy while he’s at work.”

Oh God, that’s Ace, one of Luffy’s older brothers.

“If you wanna thank someone, thank [Name]. That ero-cook’s been scheduling them with Luffy more than anyone else.” Zoro grunted, punching in Ace’s order. “Kitchen’s closed today, so no sandwich. Is this all going on your tab?”

“Yup, thanks. Gotta dine and dash today, Pops doesn’t want me slacking off just ‘cause it’s a holiday.” He turned to you then, a polite smile on his ridiculously handsome face. “You’re [Name], the new hire, yeah? Luffy’s told me all about you! Thanks for keeping an eye on him, even if he’s been around way longer than you. I know how troublesome he can get.”

You hesitated and then waved your hands in the air dismissively, shaking your head. “Oh no, really, there’s nothing to thank me for. Luffy’s a big help when it comes to the customers, which has let me familiarize myself with the drink recipes. Really, I should be thanking him.” You laughed airily, ignoring the curious look on Zoro’s face. “It’s uh, nice to finally put a face to the name! I’ve heard a bit about you, as well, though Luffy doesn’t really talk about his family all that much.”

An exaggerated pout pulled at his lips. “Aw, really? And here I thought he never shut up about me.” You almost panicked, but the teasing glint in his eyes told you he was only messing with you. “Well, [Name]-san, I can guess why Zoro’s working today, but why are you? Surely you have better things to do on Valentine’s day.”

Your eyes shot wide open, completely shocked at his forwardness. Was he… was he flirting with you?

Zoro cleared his throat and shoved a large cup in your hands, the order written on it. “Get started on the drink.”

“R- right.” You stuttered, ducking your head and avoiding Ace’s gaze. You scurried off to the espresso machine and began preparing the drink, Zoro and Ace chatting as the former pulled out the requested desserts. You felt your ears burn as you recalled the conversation that had just occurred; why on Earth would Ace of all people flirt with you? You must have been mistaken, there was no way that was even an option. He was probably like Sanji in that respect, always tossing out compliments without really thinking. Yeah, that had to be it.

“Oh, hi Ace!” Chopper’s voice hit your ears– he must have finished his lunch, which meant you’d be able to take your lunch and escape from the situation once you made this drink.

“Hey, Chopper! How’re your studies going? Luffy mentioned you had a big test the other week.”

The sound of the shot being pulled muffled the rest of their words, allowing you a brief moment to collect your thoughts. With the drink made you grasped the cup, your fingers burning slightly as the heat from the extra-extra-hot water seeped through the material, causing you to hurriedly slip on a sleeve. You popped the lid on and took a deep breath before mustering your best customer-service smile, sliding the completed drink across the bar and next to the plated pastries and cans of Red Bull.

Ace beamed at you, immediately stopping in the middle of his sentence. “Thanks!” He chirped, popping the lid off. You watched, eyes widening in horror as he opened one of the cans of Red Bull and poured the contents into the cup. He popped the lid back on and, without hesitating for even a moment, took several large sips of the piping hot monstrosity. Once again your jaw dropped, not sure how to process what you’d just seen. Who in their right mind mixes that much caffeine together? And who on Earth is able to drink something that hot without dying? 

He must be made of fire, or something.

Zoro laughed at your shocked expression, Chopper joining in and grabbing the empty can off the counter and tossing it into one of the trash cans.

Ace pulled his lips from the lid and sighed in content, flashing another beaming smile your way as he held the cup tight. “That’s perfect, thanks [Name]!”

“I- uh- it’s- it’s just espresso and water.” You stuttered, discreetly kicking the back of Zoro’s leg in an attempt to get him to stop laughing. It didn’t work.

“Well, it’s great.” Ace grinned. “Thanks again.”

You hummed and nodded, and then watched as he practically inhaled the entirety of the food he’d ordered. It seemed like everything he did was a surprise to your poor heart, and you weren’t sure how much more you’d be able to take.

You busied yourself with some cleaning and tidying up as Ace, Chopper, and Zoro continued their conversation, doing your best not to think about the man’s earlier words and insinuation. You hardly even noticed when he said his goodbyes and began making his way out of the cafe, barely getting out a polite farewell before the door swung shut.

You could hear Zoro and Chopper snickering behind you, and with a huff you shoved the rag you’d been using to clean into the older male’s hands. “I’m going on lunch.” You grumbled, untying your apron as you made your way to the back. 

Once situated in front of the microwave, lazily watching as your food reheated, you felt the phone in your back pocket buzz. With a quirked brow you pulled it out and then froze.

It was a text from an unknown number.

[Unknown Number: Hey, [Name]! It’s Ace, hope you don’t mind I got your number from Luffy. If you’re not busy with a date or whatever after work, would you like to get coffee or something? I try to make it a point to get to know all of my brother’s friends.]

Your heart stuttered in your chest, trying to figure out how best to proceed.

[You: Hi! No, I don’t have anything to do after work, though I’m not sure you need any more caffeine. We could do dinner, though?]

You hit send without allowing yourself the time to second-guess your words, adding his number to your contacts.

The reply came quickly.

[Ace: I’m always down for food! What were you thinking? There’s this really good barbeque place I know, if you like meat.]

You grinned and typed your response, easily falling into a comfortable text exchange even as the microwave interrupted you with its loud beeps.

Perhaps Valentine’s day wouldn’t suck this year.

[moodymelanist]

Trace The Lines

Happy first day of @sjmromanceweek, everyone! Thank you to @jump-on-winds-back for submitting the prompt<3

Summary: Gwyn falls hard for the shy, hot librarian who finally comes into her tattoo parlor.  

Read on AO3 here!

♡♡♡♡♡ Gwyn

Gwyn was the only one in the tattoo’s front room, idly sketching something on Procreate for one of her regulars, when she heard the familiar bell that signaled someone walking inside. 

“Hi!” she called out, waving a freckled hand toward the newest customer. “Welcome to Valkyrie Tattoos. What can I help you with?”

She looked up and almost swallowed her tongue once she recognized Azriel, the very cute guy who worked at the library next door. She’d seen him from time to time when it was her turn to pick up whatever Nesta or Emerie had put on hold for book club, and seeing him here inside their tattoo parlor instead of surrounded by books was almost jarring. 

“Hi,” Azriel responded quietly. God, he was so adorable, with his soft voice and his pretty eyes and the way he held himself in that cardigan. “I wanted to get a tattoo?”

“Okay,” she answered cheerily. She put down her iPad and switched over to the nearby computer, checking her calendar to make sure she had enough time for this. “My next appointment isn’t until 4, so if what you want isn’t too time-consuming I can squeeze you in now.”

“Thanks,” he told her. He reached for his phone and she pretended like she didn’t notice the way his shirt stretched across his chest with the motion. “I wanted to get something like this.”

“Game of Thrones fan, huh?” Gwyn asked once she studied it. It was a simple enough design — the top half read valar morghulis, and reflected over a thin line, the bottom half read valar dohaeris. “How did you feel about season 8?”

“I think it’s best we don’t talk about that,” Azriel replied, a hint of a smile playing on his lips. “Do you think you’d have time to do this today?”

“Oh, definitely,” she responded. “Where did you want it?”

They discussed placement and pricing for a few minutes before they were both satisfied, and then Gwyn was leading Azriel upstairs to her corner of the tattooing space. She’d worked hard to make it as inviting as possible, and left him to get comfortable while she bustled about the rest of the space. When she turned back to him, her mouth went a little dry as she realized just how muscular he was without the soft, dark material of his cardigan, and she forced herself to focus as best as he could.

He’s just a hot guy, Berdara, she told herself as she worked on the stencil. You’ve tattooed plenty of those before. Stay focused.

“It’s okay if you need me to move it around,” Gwyn told him once she’d composed herself enough to place the stencil. He’d wanted it on his right forearm, so it was easy enough to make sure it laid flat once she’d shaved the minimal peach fuzz away. “How does that look?”

She moved it twice before he was completely satisfied. “Do you mind if I take a before picture?”

“Not at all,” she answered, appreciating that he’d asked permission. “I’m just going to get set up, and I’ll let you know when I’m ready.”

Gwyn pretended she didn’t feel Azriel’s eyes lingering on her as she set everything up for his tattoo, hoping to any deity listening that she wasn’t blushing right now – or that Nesta or Emerie didn’t decide to come back from lunch early. She’d never live this down if they caught her being this flustered.

“Ready?” she asked once she was all set up. She made sure the area was clean one final time before situating him how she wanted him, using her left hand to hold his arm how she needed it. His skin was cool to the touch, even through her gloves, and she wondered if that was always why he had on those cardigans he favored so much.

“Yeah,” he replied, looking like he was holding back a smile. “I can take it.”

Gwyn’s mind jumped to all sorts of other things she wanted him to take, but she forced herself to take a deep breath and pay attention to what she was doing. “Let me know how this feels. If you need a break, just let me know.”

“I’ve gotten tattoos before, Gwyn,” Azriel responded dryly. “Just go for it.”

“I didn’t know you knew my name, Azriel,” she replied, deflecting slightly. She’d of course noticed the whorls of black ink peeking out over top of his shirts before, but she’d never trusted herself to look too hard.

“You come into the library at least three times a week,” he said with a snort. “Of course I know who you are.”

“Plenty of people come into the library more than once a week,” she retorted. She shifted her grip on his arm and continued tattooing him, pleased at the way the lines were turning out so far. “Doesn’t mean you know their names.”

“Never said I did,” he said simply.

Gwyn didn’t know exactly what to say back to that without making herself look like an idiot, so she decided to change the topic to be safe. “So you like Game of Thrones, except for season 8. Who’s your favorite? Are you a Jon Snow guy? Or – wait, let me guess. Tyrion?”

“Actually, I really like Sansa,” Azriel replied after a few moments. “I know a lot of guys hate on her, but… I really appreciate how good she is at other things besides violence.”

“Oh,” Gwyn said, only slightly surprised. Sansa was one of her favorites, too, but she wouldn’t let him keep the upper hand if she could avoid it. “Is this the part where you tell me you’re not like the other guys?”

He just chuckled under his breath, the sound making the butterflies in her stomach even worse. “I mean, I’m not like the other guys. I’m better, but only because I’m a librarian.”

“Whatever you say, Mr. Librarian,” she fired back, laughing softly. She shifted her arm one last time to go over any places that needed an extra touch, and then sat back with a flourish. “You’re all done.”

“That was pretty quick,” Azriel responded. Gwyn wasn’t completely sure, but she thought he almost sounded a little sad about it. “It looks good.”

“It’ll look even better if you take care of it,” Gwyn fired back, grinning. She let him take a couple of pictures before running through her aftercare instructions and placing a bandage over it. “Take it easy for the rest of the day.”

“I work at a library,” he deadpanned. 

“No lifting heavy books, then,” she retorted with a roll of her eyes. “Come on, let’s finish this up downstairs.”

She helped him slide his cardigan back on even though he probably didn’t need it, her touch lingering a few seconds longer than was probably appropriate. She just couldn’t help being drawn to him, couldn’t help wanting to know more about what his skin felt like against hers without any barriers in the way.

Gwyn shook her head as they walked downstairs to clear that thought. She didn’t know where it had come from, and she was a professional. She wouldn’t let herself get distracted so close to the finish point.

“I can do cash, credit, or your money sending service of choice,” Gwyn said once they’d finished going over the price. “Whatever’s easier for you.”

“Credit is fine,” Azriel answered. He handed over a card and she forced herself not to be mesmerized by the way his fingers gripped the pen as he signed. “Thanks again, Berdara.”

“Oh, first and last name,” she teased. She took the receipt back and took at a peek at his last name. “You’ve really done your research, Velasquez.”

“Have to, when it comes to you.” He flipped over the back of his customer copy of the receipt to scribble something down. “Let me know if you ever want to check something else out besides books.” 

Gwyn was so stunned at how smooth he was with his comment that she couldn’t think of anything to say back, but when she finally reached for it and opened it to reveal his phone number, she figured she could think of something clever to send back over text.

By the time Nesta and Emerie got back from lunch, Gwyn hadn’t quite thought of something snazzy enough, but judging by how quickly Azriel was texting her back, he didn’t seem to mind.

tag list: @perseusannabeth | @bookstantrash | @charming-butt-insane | @oversizedbats | @melphss | @sv0430 | @podemechamardek | @autumnbabylon | @live-the-fangirl-life | @julemmaes | @that-little-red-head | @jmoonjones | @sayosdreams | @thewayshedreamed | @hiimheresworld | @brieq | @houseofcalores | @swankii-art-teacher | @nerdperson524 | @snickerdoodlechittybangbang | @imsointobooks | @nesquik-arccheron | @sweet-pea1 | @champanheandluxxury | @dustjacketmusings | @mrs-shadowsinger04 | @unlikelypersonalknight1 | @goddess-aelin | @arinbelle | @talkfantasytome | @simpingfornestaarcheron | @duskandstarlight | @letstakethedawn | @vidalinav | @c-e-d-dreamer | @dealfea | @katekatpattywack | @burningsnowleopard

[agirlwithbigdreamsforher]

DATE NIGHT

THE NANNY: ONE SHOT

DATE NIGHT

Pairing: Andy Barber x Annie Johnson (OFC)

Summary: It’s always good to have some alone time once in a while.

Warnings: it’s porn. Cursing words and all of those forbidden things hehehehe.

A/N: SEX.

Word count: 1355

Disclaimer: I do not give permission for any of my works to be copied, used, translated nor reposted anywhere else but here on this blog. Do not steal what you didn’t work for. Minors and ageless blank blogs don’t interact with me or my works. Reblogs and likes are always welcome. Thank you for reading this work of fiction.

GIF's not mine, you can find the credits under the gif :)

                                     ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

Maddy, a 15 year old girl, was Jake’s new nanny. Andy hired her whenever they had their date night. Jake was running around the living room, Maddy closely behind him.

“Alright, we are leaving.” Andy said.

“Yes, Mr. Barber.”

“You know our numbers, if anything happens, anything at all, please call us, ok?”

“Yes, of course!”

Annie came down the stairs wearing the dress Andy gave her for their first anniversary of dating, it was a beautiful navy blue dress with noodle straps and an A cut skirt to her mid-thigh, a pair of white snickers and a light white sweater on top.

“I’m ready!”

“Let’s go.”

“Bye, guys!” Annie waved Jake and Maddy goodbye and off they went.

Andy turned on the engine and then turned to see Annie.

“You look beautiful.” He gave her a peck.

“Thank you. You look handsome.” Another peck, “So what’s the plan?”

“Dinner then Movie Theater.”

“I’ll choose the movie.”

“Deal!”

It was close to 10 when they walked into the movie theater. The room was almost empty, except for a few more people a couple of rows in front of them. 15 minutes into the movie when Annie got closer to Andy.

“Andy?” She whispered.

“Hmm?”

“I’m bored.”

“What? You chose this movie.”

“I know, but is boring.”

“It’s not. Just pay attention; it’s good.”

Annie huffed and turned her face to the screen. She had missed the first 15 minutes and now she was not interested in whatever was happening in front of her.

She then put her hand on Andy’s tight, creeping higher bit by bit.

“What are you doing?” Andy hold her hand.

“I told you I’m bored.”

“Are you insane? Someone might see us.”

“Who? There are like 3 people here and us.”

“I wanna see the movie.”

“Look, either we leave now or I’m sucking your dick right here, right now.”

Andy thought she was joking but her face was completely serious. And when Andy didn’t move, she leaned towards his lap. So he stood up, grabbed her hand and left the theater.

“That was bold.” Andy said once they were outside.

“Yeah, whatever.” They stood there for a minute, “What do we do now?”

“Go home?”

“Sure!”

They walked to the parking lot and climbed in the car.

“I have an idea.” Annie said, a playful smile on her face.

“What?

“I want to have sex.”

“No, really?” He said in a sarcastic note, “I got that 5 minutes ago! That’s why we are going home.”

“No, I want to have sex here, now.”

“WHAT?!”

“What?”

“It’s a public place! If someone see us…”

“There’s no one here!”

“I’m the ADA, I have an image to…”

“Oh, please! I’m sure you can manage.”

“No, no way!”

“Come on, it’s gonna be fun.” She grabbed his hand and put it between her legs. Andy felt her wetness right away.

“Are you not wearing panties?”

“Nop.” His fingers caressed her folds, finding her little button making her moan.

“Fuck.”

“Please, Andy.” She got closer and kissed him with need, “No one, will see us.”

He thought for a moment while he kept his ministrations on her clit. But then he removed his hand.

“We better go home.” Andy started the engine and Annie let out a frustrated sigh.

Andy was driving carefully on Main Street but his mind was elsewhere, thinking about Annie’s pretty pussy. His knuckles were turning white as he grabbed the wheel with force trying hard to keep it together, but his pants were getting tighter and tighter for his own liking. He suddenly gave a turn to the left.

“Where are we going?” Annie asked confused and the car came to a stop. The lights of the car illuminate the end of an empty alley. Andy turned off the lights.

“Come here.” Andy pounced towards her kissing hard with lust. Annie moaned into the kiss, and they only stopped once they needed air.

“But you said…”Annie began but Andy cut her off.

“Get on my lap.” He opened the fly of his pants and took his hard dick out. He pumped it a few times. “You want this?” Annie nodded and bit her lip. Andy pull his seat backwards as much as he could and Annie climbed on his lap, rubbing her pussy on his length.

Andy took her by her hips and pull her up, her pussy almost at his eye level. Her slit was barely wet and he dove in. His tongue lapping at her entrance.

“Oh fuck!” Annie was trying to keep her balance against the wheel. Andy sucked her clit slightly. “God!” Annie pushed her head back.

“Fuck, I need you.” Andy said with her beard glistening in his spit and her juices. He took his member and rubbed it against her slit before slid in. His girt stretched her deliciously. Once he bottom out, they sighed and moaned together.

Andy was just adjusting to her warm hole when Annie began humping him. His dick coming in and out of her.

“Fuck, that’s it, fuck yourself on me.” Annie move faster and faster, chasing her release.

“Andy…” she breathily moaned.

“You gonna come, baby?”

“Yeah… fuck!” Her pace was faster than ever, Andy could feel her walls squeezing him. “I…Can’t…”

Andy looked at her, her brows were knit together. He look down to her pussy and his finger rubbed her clit fast.

“SHIT! YES! JUST LIKE THAT! PLASE DON’T STOP!!!!! FUCK!!!!! I’M COMING!!!!”

Andy moaned as he felt her coming against his cock and her walls milked his dick. The warm feeling of his load filled her pussy and Annie lean against his forehead.

“That was…” Annie began.

“Amazing.”

“Yeah.”

They were catching their breath, still join together at their middle when the tap against the now foggy window made them jump. Andy pull the window down only to be met by a flashlight.

“Alright, lovebirds.” The voice sounded very familiar to them. “Oh my god, Annie?” The man moved the light from their faces. “Andy?!”

“Seb, what the fuck?!” Andy said.

“Me?! Why are you doing?! No, never mind I can see.” He said in a teasing tone looking down a bit.

“Don’t fucking look!” Andy said as Annie hid her face in his neck.

“I knew this car looked familiar!” he laughed, “Wait until Anthony hears about this.”

“Don’t you fucking dare!” Andy said pointing Sebastian with his finger.

“Can we go?!” Annie said this time, her face was red. Andy didn’t know if it was because of her orgasm, embarrassment or both.

“Sure! I’ll let you go with a warning. Just keep this,” He gestured with his hand to them, “to your house.”

“Like you’ve never done it!” Andy said.

“I’m not gonna lie, I know good places where no one can disturb you.” Seb said with a smirk. “I’ll tell you about them next Monday, how about that?”

“I wanna go home!” Annie said.

“Fine! You can go. Have a good night.”

Andy saw in the rare mirror how Sebastian jumped on his car and left.

“I can’t believe that just happened.” Annie said as she hid her face with her hands.

 “Hey,” Andy move her hands away from her face, “This was fun, I actually haven’t done it in a car since High School.” She smiled at him, “You get the worst out of me.”

“Sorry.”

“Don’t be, I loved it.” He lean in and kissed her softly. “And I’m also at fault, I couldn’t control myself.” She kissed him now, “We better get going.” Annie nodded and moved to the passenger seat. She squirmed when she felt his sticky cum coming out of her. She lift her booty and place her sweater on the site. Andy just shook his head, turned the engine back on and went home.

----------(     )----------

Monday morning, ADA’s office. Andy was getting comfortable in his chair, the smell of his coffee filling his nostrils, he took a sip and the door suddenly flew open.

“You had sex in your car?!” Anthony said as Sebastian followed him.

“I can’t believe you actually told him!”

[padfootdaredmetoo]

I am Tommy and Lizzie fan can you write some one shots about tommy's struggle in leaving his drinking habits how Lizzie support him . His kids seeing tommy's pain and with some romance love feelings etc... Please.This is my first request in Tumblr.

Hey Love,

Thank you so so so much for waiting. Honestly, I re-wrote this around 8 times in the past week. I had this idea in my head and even though I feel like it's a bit off, I really hope you enjoy it!

Warnings: drinking problems, talking about hard things, flirting, mentions of sex, peaky related themes, feels

His red eyes looked up from what he was reading and she wondered for a brief moment if he was possessed. His nature was on edge and the bottle on the table was empty. 

“Thomas” Her tone was colder than she wanted it to be. She wasn't going to plead or beg, but she hated how much of her mother was in the tone she often used with him. She let out a heavy sigh. Half dead and confused, his gaze followed her as she approached his desk. 

“Go away Lizzie” He breathed in desperation and she felt a deep hate rise up inside her chest. 

“You need to get help, If you won’t I will.” She snapped and left the room. 

___

Lizzie thought of different things that could cause someone to behave the way that he did. Always gone and far away. Laying in the empty bed staring up at the ceiling, she thought about revisiting the various events she knew shaped Thomas into the man he was. 

She knew there was nothing she possessed to bring him back or chase out his demons. She tried to be strict and make demands, she’d tried sex, and if she was being honest she had never encountered a situation where those weren't the solution. What else did she have to offer? 

She turned over onto her side and began wondering if there was another way to go about it. Trusting him made her want to put her fist through a wall. He’d hurt her so tremendously she wondered why she even bothered trying to save him at all. 

The faces of her children being disappointed was what brought her the energy to keep fighting. 

____________________

Maybe there was such a thing as demons? Remembering how Tommy had acted when Ruby had fallen sick she knew that he most certainly believed in something. The concept of angels and demons had left Lizzie just as her family had all those years ago. 

She still went over to Polly's house and asked her for something to help cure him. 

She watched carefully as the edges of Polly’s mouth turned up. 

“You can't save him, love” Her voice was attempting to be carefree but Lizzie could feel the underlying pain and frustration. 

“Still his wife though, I ought to keep trying. Even if it's just for the kids.” She said with a slight bitterness starting to regret her decision to come here. Polly asked more questions and Lizzie reluctantly told her about his visions and fits, hoping it wasn't information that could somehow be used against him. She hoped that Polly and her had a strong enough connection that this situation would be kept secret. 

“I admire you for trying,” Polly said with a more honest tone that made Lizzie relax slightly. She watched as the woman got up and moved around her cluttered kitchen. After grabbing a chair to reach the top of the pantry, she pulled out a large jar of clear liquid. 

“Take this and pour it over him.” 

“What is it Holy Water?” Lizzie snorted.

“Yeah, something like that,” Polly said simply lighting a cigarette. There was a flicker of amusement in her face that put Lizzie on edge slightly. 

“Oh, well alright.” She looked at the jar and thought it was a ridiculous idea, but with the strange things Tommy had done for Ruby, it couldn't hurt to try. She tried to get more information about what to do with it but Polly only laughed with a sneaky look in her eye. Eventually, Lizzie gave up on her questions and headed back. 

Once home she placed the jar of water on the countertop as the light danced through it. Would she just draw him a bath and hope it wasn't suspicious? 

The phone rang and Esme was on the line. After a great deal of squealing and John’s mumbled voice in the background, she finally got to the point. Her chickens were hatching, and Lizzie smiled at her friend's excitement, insisting that the kids come over to help.

“Would it be alright if I left them there for dinner?” 

“Of course, you have a hot date?” Esme joked. 

“I have something to talk to Thomas about and it would be nice to have some space. “ Lizzie said nervously. 

“Yeah, they can stay the night if needed,” Esme responded sounding slightly worried and Lizzie hated that she had put a damper on her happiness. 

She dropped the kids off and was glad to see that Esme was back in full swing before she left. 

_____________________________________________

Lizzie was back at home pacing. She could just throw it at him? Or try to talk to him, then throw it at him? She was completely uneducated and certainly not qualified for such things.

Her pacing in the kitchen was interrupted by the door swinging open. Tommy moved into the kitchen slowly observing the room before taking his jacket off. 

“Where are the kids?” He asked easily. 

“At John’s -” Lizzie hated the way his eyes sharpened and his jaw set. She was about to yell at him for being standoffish when she took a deep breath instead. 

Tommy sat down and turned the chair towards her, with an impatient look on his face. Her blood was starting to boil and she hated how even the smallest things he did would set her off. 

“So I was thinking about everything lately and I thought maybe -” She took another deep breath feeling awkward. It was so ridiculous and he would probably make fun of her for it. The thought made her nervousness turn back into rage. 

“Come here.” He said in a voice that took her by surprise. She took the jar of water and moved towards him. She placed the jar on the table and was happy he paid no attention to it. He pulled her up onto his lap. “Look things are bad right now but -” 

The words that had been used to reassure her thousands of times finally caused her to snap. In a flash, the lid was twisted off and the contents was poured over his head before she even realized she’d done it. 

He let out a breath and Lizzie realized that the clear liquid had a pleasant smell to it. His eyes opened and to her surprise, he didn't seem angry in the slightest. 

"what-" He started to ask still caught off guard.

“It’s holy water -I think?-  I didn't know how to ask - I thought it might -” She stammered along, caught up in the look he was giving her. Boyish curiosity was the only way she could describe it.

“You thought holy water would- “ He started and she interrupted him. 

“Help chase out whatever is wrong with you” She whispered, the vulnerability made her feel scared. He’d done so many things to her, there were good reasons for shutting him out. 

Good reasons that seemed impossible to find as his face came closer to hers. 

“You think I’m possessed?” He breathed. 

“Well, not anymore,” She said simply wishing that Polly had given her more information. “I- I miss the person I fell in love with.” Her stomach squirmed painfully at the revelation she’d not wanted to express. She shut her eyes and waiting for him to push her away. 

“And you believe this demon is gone?” He asked darkly.

“Well, Polly didn’t give the best instructions but she said it would work - so yes, I suppose I do.” She lied, she didn't think this was at all the problem. Playing along was dangerous but she was desperate for his attention. Maybe showing that she believed in his world would bring him to the conclusion that he did need help. 

He let out a deep hum that caused her to shiver. His eyes seemed more awake than she had seen them in ages. 

“What type of things did this demon make me do then?”

“Drink too much, sleep around, disappoint and hurt your children -” 

“Never hurt my children.” He interrupted with a firm tone.

“Ruby cried her eyes out when you missed her birthday dinner, Thomas. She screamed and cried for hours. You're telling me that didn't hurt her?” 

His expression changed again and Lizzie let him think about what she had said. 

“But you believe I can be better?” His eyes held something so fragile her heart gave a lurch. 

“Obviously or I wouldn't stay.” A long moment went by as he soaked up the meaning in her words.

“You stay because you have nice things.” He corrected. 

“Hurting children and a cold bed are not nice things Thomas.” She said lightly careful not to get her temper up. He gave her a nod and she felt a sense of understanding grow between the two of them. 

She didn't want to get up just yet so she rested her head on his shoulder and enjoyed the rare moment of peace. 

After a while, they got up to retrieve their children. She watched closely as Ruby tired to tackle him. He picked her up and like always she refused to be put down for anything. Tommy would bend down to pick up the fluffy little chicks and place them in her little hands. 

Charlie was also watching closely as he always did. Not knowing what else to do Lizzie fixed his hair and gave him a smile. 

That night he put the kids to bed so she could take a bath. Coming out of the bathroom she wasn't expecting to see him in bed. She came out into the hall way and immediately knew what was happening. 

Both kids were in Chalrie’s bed and the world's longest, most interesting story was being told. Thomas, Arthur, and John had cooked up stories for Finn when he was little about when they used to live on the boat. Filled with everything from pirates, ghosts, alligators, tigers, and evil witches, they kept adding to the saga as time went on. The kids were howling with laughter. 

“Mum did you live on a boat too?” Ruby asked between giggles. 

“No, she was born in a castle far away from here before the witches stole her away, but I’ll have to tell you that story tomorrow tonight.” 

“Does that make you a princess?”Ruby squealed.

“Well look at her, why else would she be so pretty?” Tommy responded easily.

The thing about Thomas was his face was always the same. He could have been talking to the Queen about national security, the reason why even Charlie was now looking at her trying to tell if it was true or not. She thought it was bad parenting for a short moment before thinking back to all the things she knew by Charlie's age. Thinking your dad grew up fighting monsters on a Gypsy boat and that your mother was a stolen princess was not that problematic in the grand scheme of things. 

“Oh yes! It was very tragic before your father rescued me, but its too long a story for tonight, love.” She played along enjoying how excited Ruby got. She let Thomas take her back to her bedroom and Lizzie tucked Charlie in with a kiss. 

Then it was just the two of them in the hallway. 

“I have work to do-” He cleared his throat, something obviously weighing on him. “If you want you could sit with me?” 

“Sit with you?” She responded taken off guard. She was tired but shrugged and gave him a nod. He wouldn't ask for no reason, even if he wouldn't say it out loud. 

She got her book from the bedside table and wrapped up in a thick quilted robe and followed him downstairs. 

She curled up on the sofa in front of the fire, casting glances at him occasionally. Frustration was evident, and she could tell he wanted to drink. She was going to tell him off and remind him, but the words died in her throat as she imagined having to write out all that nonsense herself. 

“Thomas?” She asked softly and he hummed in response. “Thank you.” 

“For what?” He looked over the edge of the letter he was reading and she resisted the urge to laugh at his glasses. 

“Nothing in particular, I just never really say it.” She shrugged feeling awkward. She went back to her book not wanting to bother him. A few minutes passed in silence before he was at the end of the couch looking down at her. 

He snatched up her book and she tried to get it back from him as his eyebrows raised. This was not the type of book that had a discussable plot. 

“You like this sort of thing?” He looked down at her and she again felt the humiliation turn into solid rage. “I assumed you would have had enough of it after everything.” 

Her heart sank and she didn't have to tell him that he fucked up for once. 

“However this is, erm. Different - more.” 

“Loving, caring, nice, passionate.” Lizzie listed off feeling like she regretted this whole operation in the first place. This wasn't the conversation she wanted to have. 

“I Don't - I never thought you would be able to like me. Till today.” He said now looking in to the fire. 

“We're married what the fuck does that mean.” She snapped.

“Earlier you said you missed the person you fell in love with. We never fell in love, I just -” 

“Made a baby.” Lizzie said as an awful ache grew in her stomach. 

“I really, just thought you hated me. I don't blame you -” He placed his hands across the top of her knees. 

“I haven't ever hated you, as much as I’d like to I just -” She shook her head as tears started to form in her eyes. This wasn't the type of stuff she wanted to talk about. Stupid magic water was supposed to fix things not make them worse.

It took him less than a second before she was pulled into his lap. His arms crushing her as if he could somehow hold her together after tearing her apart. 

He let her cry for a while and for whatever reason his arms made all the difference. 

“Well, you don't hate me, so that makes things a lot easier.” He kissed the top of her head. 

“Makes what easier?” She mumbled. He flipped open the book to the page she was on. 

“Turning her over he thrust into her with a passion so overwhelming it brought her over the edge as she cried out into the night-” He read allowed in a slightly animated tone. 

“Thomas!” She hissed and smacked the book out of his hand feeling so embarrassed she fought the urge to smack him. He let out a rare laugh that soothed her almost instantly. 

“I never want to put it on you. You’ve been through a lot, I figured -” He shrugged at a loss for words.

“Your an idiot.” She breathed. 

“Perhaps. I don’t know if I have the magic touch as Mr. Passionate.”

“You don’t want me that badly?” She whispered and he gazed into the fire for a long while. 

“People always think it was the war, then Grace.” He sighed and she knew he was contemplating finishing the conversation there. “Really, it was Gretta.” 

“I’m sorry.” She said it and meant it for once. 

“Me too.” He held her tighter and she wondered if they would ever get better. Be better people. 

“But you love me?” 

“You're everything, Lizzie.” He kissed her forehead. “I love you, and we can figure out how to get it right.” 

Something sparked in her as she enjoyed his embrace. “Sounds like it will take a lot of practice.” She said in a coy tone. Thomas still looked at her seriously completely missing the joke. “We could start now, make a dent in it.” She kissed his still-confused face.

They didn’t make it upstairs to the bedroom till it became too cold in the morning light to stay on the couch any longer.

____________________________

Ruby starting to be less clingy because she trusts that he is reliable. He can put her down and she starts to understand that he wont leave. He starts coming home at a similar time every night and they eat dinner together and both he and Lizzie are happy to see her settle down.

Charlie starting to come out of his shell and talks to him about the different stuff he likes. They talk about horses and Tommy takes him riding on Sundays before breakfast.

The visions and nonsense stop and he begins to trust Lizzie more.

After messing up and drinking with his brothers he ends up at Polly’s because he’s too afraid of disappointing Lizzie. He ends up apologizing to her and while she’s annoyed he had to be drunk to open up to her, she still accepts his apology. He passes out on the couch and Pol phones Lizzie to let her know he’s here and not at some brothel. 

The next morning he came home with a jewelry set that had more diamonds than stars in the sky, and a signed copy of her favorite book she thought he'd forgotten about.

Lizzie sitting downstairs with him trying to pick up all sorts of hobbies like knitting so he doesn't drink while he does paperwork. The way he asks her to come down and sit with him always makes her heart flutter slightly. 

Sex becomes normal and not all messed up 

The kids spend a lot more time with him and even John and Arthur come back into his life properly. Esme even starts to tolerate his company and the two of them get along better now that he treats Lizzie and John better.

[nn1895]

Good Company

The world was scrapping at him like a paint blaster set on high.

Don’t stop.

Prowl hurried through the crowded main room of the station.  It was so loud.

“I need another copy of –“

“What the frag do you mean you didn’t finish it –“

“- ba da de, buy Fresh Wax products!  They –“

“-for only the first three –“

Don’t stop.

Rage was shifting under his plating, curling up in the back of his helm, shivering through his digits. He wanted to put his fist through the wall.

“Captain Prowl!”

Bluestreak.

Prowl stopped and turned. Bluestreak – young, happy, clever – was waving him down.

Go away.

“Captain, sir, do you have time this afternoon to help me with those reports again?  I’m worried I’m inputting the data wrong.”

“I have already – “

Stop.

Prowl vented slowly. Everything about Bluestreak, in that moment, was annoying.  His helplessness, his enthusiasm when Prowl was wrung out, the faint bounce in his step.

“Of course, Bluestreak. I’ll move my calendar.”

Bluestreak smiled.

“You’re the best, Captain! Thanks for helping me so much.  It’s been hard, after, well – “ he trailed off, his optics dimming.

“Of course.”  Beyond words, Prowl nodded and began to walk away.

“Hey, Captain Prowl!”

Smokescreen was coming towards him.

Don’t stop.  Get away.

“Smokescreen.  I don’t have time – “

Smokescreen was waving his servos – grinning, relaxed, always-had-a-joke – and settling back.  

“I’ll be quick.  Hey Blue!  If Commander Radar asks about the accounts –“

“They were due two days ago,” Prowl interrupted, briefly confused.  They were supposed to be done.

“Yeah…” Smokescreen smiled more.  “I’m a little behind.  Cover for me, will you?  I’ll get them done tonight!  Swear! Oh scrap.”

Smokescreen spun around and was lost in the swirling crowd of bots changing shifts.

“Captain Prowl!”

Stop saying my name.

Commander Radar.

“Yes, Ma’am?”  She came from his right – her office.

He was so tired.  He just…couldn’t.

Commander Radar was frowning before she got close.

“Prowl, I need you to be on top of these things,” she started without explanation.  Prowl blinked and curled his servo tightly into a fist behind his back.

“Ma’am?”

“I know it’s Smokescreen’s job, but it’s your responsibility.  They need to be done by tonight.  No excuses.  If you have to make him stay late, then do that.”

“Of course.”

Go away.

“I appreciate your dedication, Captain Prowl.  It’s thanks to bots like you putting forth their best that this station runs so smoothly.” She wasn’t really talking to him. He could practically see the mental cue cards as she shuffled through them to find the right thing to ‘motivate’ him.

Go away.

“Thank you, Ma’am.  If you don’t mind, I have to go now.”

He didn’t wait to be excused.  He was past caring now.  

He banged though the rest of the crowd and kept his gaze low and closed as he rushed through the hallways.

His office.

He closed the door behind him and leaned on his desk.

He was so tired.  He just…couldn’t.

He gasped, venting heat like a furnace.  He was so angry.  Why couldn’t they – why couldn’t they just deal without him?

Stop saying my name.

Why was it always his fault when Smokescreen’s accounts weren’t balanced?  Why was it always him that had to stay late?

Smokescreen needed help. He was supposed to help him.  He’d just come back from that dangerous undercover work and Prowl had been so worried -

Why couldn’t Bluestreak do anything without someone holding his servo?  Why was it always Prowl that had to help him – waste his time helping Bluestreak again?  Then Prowl ended up staying late to finish his own paperwork.  He was so tired.

Bluestreak didn’t know any better.  Bluestreak was still dealing with the death of his creators – only back from bereavement leave this month – he was trying.  Prowl could help him –

Where was Commander Radar? Why didn’t she say anything about it? She knew he was always here later than anyone.  Why didn’t she –

She didn’t know.  He hadn’t exactly told her what was happening. How was she supposed to know?

Why didn’t she just fragging see –

His vocalizer clicked helplessly.  He bit down on his fist.  

Quiet.

He wanted to scream.

Why was it always his fault?  Why didn’t anyone else do something.

Prowl was so tired.  So tired.  The thoughts never stopped and the people never went away and the world never held still long enough.  

He was the Captain. This was his job.  The shame swept through him.  He shouldn’t be so angry.  He didn’t know how to stop.  He was always failing.  Now he was blaming everyone else.  This was his job.  

Hiding in his office like a newspark.  

This was his job.

Wasn’t it?

Don’t stop.

0-0-0

Jazz was pinging him.

Prowl lifted his helm. The steam in the washracks covered everything.  For all he knew, outside the small circle of heat and darkness, there wasn’t anything else.

He didn’t want to answer.

:Hello.:

:Prowl?:  Jazz’s voice should have been a balm.  It made something in his spark jerk and twist horribly.

:I am busy.  Is there something you need?:

Go away.

:Nah.  Just lookin’ ta chat.  Don’ worry ‘bout it.:

Thank Primus.

His frame was jerking – short abortive movements as waves of angry and fury and strange grief rippled through him.  He wished he could recharge.  He can’t even stand -

:Prowler?:

:Sorry, Jazz.  I am not good company right now.:

I can’t see anyone.  I am exhausted down to my struts and so furious I think I might lose my processor.  I don’t want to hurt you.

:I hear ya.  Call me if ya need anything.:

:I don’t.:

Calm.  Calm. Don’t be angry.

Prowl pulled his arms tighter around himself and brought his helm to his knees.  He tried to think only about the heat, the tile under him, the processor-numbing patter of solvent.

:Kay.  Love ya, Prowler.:

Then Jazz hung up.

Thank Primus.

Prowl curled up smaller and smaller.  

Go away.

0-0-0

The morning light was beautiful.  Prowl lifted a servo and dipped it into the golden glow.

What was that?  He’d thought those days were behind him. Those strange, hopeless, angry days.

Depression was too quiet a word.  Anger didn’t cover it.  Grief, maybe. He just wasn’t sure what he was grieving.

He pushed himself up from the berth.  Even that tiny bit of strength had seemed impossible last night.  He vented slowly and stretched, relishing the small pleasure of the movement.

It felt like a storm when it was happening – unstoppable, dark, loud, and full of jagged flashes of lightning – but at least it was over.

He was still tired.

He’d call in sick to work.

He pinged Jazz.

He needed…a day.  Just a day.  He needed a small space of time for himself and for things he loved. Just a day.  Goodies and old movies and blankets.

He just needed…a day.

[ugh154628]

The very beginning. April 2019, weeks prior to my ex and I dating. After he blocked her on everything to fully move on when she started dating one of his old friends - while he was still living with her and apparently sleeping in her bed, yet they were "broken up", mind you. Because she couldn't make up her mind about getting back with him, essentially wanted to keep him on string just in case she couldn't find someone better than him, threw a fit anytime he mentioned getting space from one another or brought up talking to other people himself since she was, WHICH is why he ultimately blocked her without discussion. Like, she dated other people right in front him and even fucking those dudes in the same bed she was bullying him into continuing to sleep in. Which yeah, that's on him for putting up with it, but the main point is that blocking her was justified. He's not the asshole for setting boundaries the way he did and he definitely didn't deserve her lashing out at him about it on Facebook. I don't even like the dude anymore, but I'll stand on that.

The irony is hilarious though considering her whole upset with me started WHILE she was dating HIS friend. To top it off, was essentially cheating on the other dude with him too since she fully admits he still slept in her bed up until the point he blocked her and moved his things out and they were apparently still a label the whole time they werent together WHILE she was dating other people. He said otherwise but she claimed that in her posts when him and I started dating, and still does. What is weird to me is that she also flip flops saying they didn't have sex anymore that last year they were "broke up" but other times says they were still fucking around when he blocked her. And then, he says they weren't. Who the fuck knows what the true is at this point, but it doesnt change the truth to the fact she was dating someone else when she was still sleeping next to him, when he blocked her, and when him and I started dating. All of that regarding him still sleeping next to her was unbenounced to those people she was dating, too. Make all that make sense but whatever. The projections she was throwing at both of us are almost surreal. Because her supposed claims for being upset us...me in particular...? Well, she told everyone WE were "best friends", and since I started dating her ex, that was why she was mad at me. Even though we weren't that close whatsoever, I hadn't seen or hungout with her since long before they "broke up" a year prior even though she lived 15 minutes from me, and the whole reason I even met/knew her was because I was friends with her ex while they were dating and he introduced me to her him on some "she doesn't have many girl friends, you should meet her and be her friend!" And go figure by the way, I wonder why she didn't have many girlfriends after directly experiencing the way she treats other women LMAO.

Something I would like to note is that even he warned me that "she'll be bitter and throw dirt on my name forever" in these messages.

Yeah, no fucking shit. I learned that first hand after her flipping absolute shit over me dating YOU.

See the next post in which her issue with me started.

[your-divine-ribs]

Baby Love

Words: 2.5k

Absolutely no plot whatsoever… just baby making for Smutty Sunday! So sorry about the cringe dirty talk - I tried my best lol 🫣

Imagines Masterlist Main Masterlist

"What?"

Your boyfriend's got that look in his eyes again, a mixture of affection and hunger as his gaze travels down over your body.

"Just thinking how gorgeous you look," he answers, catching his bottom lip in his teeth as he leans back against the kitchen worktop, head tilted back slightly, blatantly appraising you.

You shake your head, giggling. You hardly feel gorgeous standing there in the kitchen fresh out of bed, your hair a complete mess and your sleeping attire on, little shorts and a cami top. You're making pancakes just how Van likes them, American style fluffy ones that he came back from tour enthusing about. You've just about perfected the recipe and the smell emanating from the frying pan is delicious, but that's not the only thing...

Van's standing there in just the thin pair of trackie bottoms he slipped into when he rolled out of bed and you know he's not wearing anything underneath them. You love it when he looks all sleepy and scruffy first thing in the morning, hair all mussed up and a cute, dopey expression on his face, kind of like someone's just interrupted a dream he's been having and he's still half caught up in it.

"Honestly love... just look at you," he grins as you catch his eye.

"Are you trying to distract me or what?" You laugh, flipping the pancake that's in the pan. "You'll only moan if you end up with burnt pancakes!"

"Well if ya burn the pancakes I'll just have to find something else to eat for breakfast!"

You shake your head, dishing up another pancake on to the small stack you're preparing, reaching over for the jug to pour more batter into the pan.

That's when you feel his hands curl around your hips from behind and his body press into yours, only gently, but it's still enough to send tingles down your spine. You smile to yourself as you move the pan to spread the batter evenly over the bottom. Ever since you and Van had decided to try for a baby he's not been able to keep his hands off you. You'd always joked before that he was like a walking hard-on, but this is like a whole other level of horniness. He can't leave you alone. In the shower, on the kitchen table, up against the wall in the hallway when you'd not even made it to the bedroom... you'd even pulled over and crawled into the backseat of the car to satisfy your desires on the way back from a restaurant last week.

"Mmm... not sure what smells better, those pancakes or you," Van says, and you feel him nuzzling into your neck, his lips brushing your sensitive skin, making you shiver.

"Now you're really distracting me!" You complain, but you're hardly bothered. You push your hips back slightly, feeling the solid warmth of Van's body behind you.

His fingers leave your hips and move forwards, slipping underneath the hem of your top, sliding gently across the soft skin of your stomach.

"I can't wait to put a baby in there, ya know," he murmurs, his fingers lightly dancing over your skin, dipping under the waistband of your shorts.

You laugh at the ticklish sensation which just makes you wriggle your hips against him even more. "Yeah, but are you still gonna fancy me when I'm eight months pregnant and the size of a house?"

"I can't wait babe, there's just gonna be more of you to love!"

One of his hands moves up to sweep your hair aside and you feel his lips on your neck, sucking gently, sending a spike of heat through you. You tip your head to the side to give him better access, closing your eyes and surrendering to the sensation. It feels so good...

That's until you detect the acrid scent of burning and your eyes flick open instantly as you grab for the spatula to try and free the pancake that's stuck hard to the bottom of the pan.

"Ughh," you groan in frustration, trying to pull away from Van. "I told you that you'd go and distract me! Look... it's ruined now! I've only made a few and that'll never fill you up."

"It's fine, don't worry," he reassures you, then his voice drops low as he pulls you even closer to his body. "Besides... I'm more concerned about filling you up..."

Your agitation dissipates in an instant at these words. Van isn't the only one who's been getting turned on by the thought of baby making. His obvious arousal about it and his enthusiasm just makes your heart race and sets off a throb between your legs.

"Oh yeah?" You smile, turning off the hob and pushing the pan to the side where it's instantly forgotten. You turn around in his arms so that you're facing him, leaning against the kitchen counter. "Why don't you tell me more about that?"

A slow, sexy smile spreads on his lips. "You love it when I talk dirty to ya, don't ya?"

You nod, smiling back at him alluringly and a little coyly which you know turns him on even more. Not that you have to try very hard. It's plain to see by the prominent bulge straining at his trousers that he's already more than ready.

He pushes his hips into yours, grinding lazily against you as he dips his head down to kiss you, and you raise your head, your lips meeting in a passionate kiss. His tongue moves slowly against yours, and the feel of his hardness pressing into your pelvis ignites the fire inside you.

"Mmm... want you," you breathe into his mouth, your hands grasping his bum, pulling him even closer.

He pulls away, looking you in the eye with a hunger that has you pushing your hips forward in eagerness.

"You want me do ya? Want me to put a baby inside you?" He murmurs, bending down to grasp your thighs and lifting you easily in one swift movement so that you're sitting perched on the kitchen counter with your legs splayed. "D'ya want my cock inside you, huh?"

"Yeah," you breathe, lifting your bum as Van's fingers curl under the waistband of your shorts and he roughly pulls them down your hips with your panties in one swift movement until they drop on to the kitchen floor, discarded.

"Gonna fuck you right here love, we're gonna make this baby right now."

Van's voice is low, smooth as honey with that hint of a commanding edge that has your heart racing. He places his hands on your thighs, gripping your soft skin firmly, pushing your legs wide apart, his fingers tracing a trail upwards. He moves slowly, watching your reaction as he does, a smirk forming on his lips as little tremors shiver your body through.

"Don't tease me... please, " you urge, your body screaming out for his touch as he lingers close to your aching core but not close enough. You know he likes you to beg for it and you're only too happy to oblige.

You reach out for him, sliding your fingers under the waistband of his trousers which are slung low on his hips, pushing them down. His hard cock springs free, and the sight is enough to make your mouth water.

"Fuck me," you urge, wrapping your hand around his dick, your other hand on his hips pulling him to you. Your whole body is yearning for him, wanting to feel him inside you, filling you up.

He resists, shaking his head, his smirk widening at your need. "Oh babe, I don't think you're ready for me quite yet."

That's when you feel his fingertips where you need them the most, moving delicately over your soft folds, a fleeting caress which instantly has you sighing and needing more. You tip your hips forward, pressing yourself into his hand.

"You're so wet for me already and I've barely even touched you," he whispers, moving a finger against your slit, dipping lightly inside you. You're panting now, your body thrumming for more, the featherlight touches he's giving like some kind of sweet torture.

You grip the shaft of his cock tighter, sliding your hand down his length. All you can think of is how it's going to feel when he slides inside you. You feel his fingertip slide over your clit, moving purposefully as he watches your reactions to see your face contort in pleasure as he hits just the right spot over and over again. You moan loudly, feeling a tightening low down in your body.

"Oh yeah," you sigh as the pressure builds steadily, your head tipping back, your eyes screwed shut.

You're so close, ready to tip over the edge when you feel the pressure dissipate as his hand moves away. Your eyes flick open, feeling cheated, ready to protest, but as you see Van step forward with his hand wrapped around the base of his cock your words are forgotten.

"Gonna fill you up so good," he says, and you spread your legs even wider for him, grasping greedily at his hips.

You're so wet there's no resistance as the head of his cock nudges against your dripping core. Your breathing is ragged, coming in little gasps of anticipation. All that matters is feeling him inside you, but he takes his time, sliding into you gradually and stretching you out so that you can feel every part of him.

"Fuck..." you breathe, feeling yourself clench around him. He fits you so perfectly it's like your body was made for him and him alone.

"Love you so much babe," he utters, his eyes fluttering shut as he shunts his hips forward, burying himself fully inside you, his fingers curled tightly around your hips. You love watching the way his brow furrows and his mouth falls agape, the pleasure clear on his face.

You gasp at the feeling as he pulls back and bucks his hips into you again, harder this time, the blissful feeling radiating through your body. You wrap your legs around his hips, drawing him close, needy for him and the way that he makes you feel.

"I need..." you begin, but his lips crash against yours, snatching the words right out of your mouth. He kisses you hungrily, desperately, his tongue probing your mouth and you melt into the kiss, your mind awash with the sensation of the two of you fused, his breath hot in your mouth, his hips clashing with yours.

After a while he pulls back, panting, his hips still pistoning against yours, thrusting slow and deep. "I love how my cock feels inside you. Feels so fucking good... so right..."

His words trail off into a sensual groan and you're aware that your fingernails are digging into his back, no doubt leaving deep furrows on his skin. You can't help yourself, the sensations are just too overwhelming. You need him closer, as close as he possibly can be.

Van places his forehead against yours and your heads are bent down. From this position you can both watch his cock thrusting into you, emerging glistening with your arousal and ploughing into you again, over and over. The sight sends you into a passionate frenzy, your hips bucking up to meet his, curses falling from your lips.

"Tell me... tell me you want..." he groans, a fingertip moving to press against the nub of your clit, eliciting further curses from you. The kitchen is full of your combined moans now, the pornographic sounds just fuelling both of your desires all the more, your endeavours to both reach your climaxes spiralling into a desperate need, hips colliding, slick with sweat.

You know exactly what he wants to hear, what will make him fuck you hard enough to turn you into a whimpering mess.

"Fuck me hard... wanna feel you come inside me... I want this baby so bad..."

You gasp the words out, mewling now with every hard thrust, Van's fingertips working their magic, edging you closer and closer to your peak until your whole body is pulsing with the promise of it.

"You gonna take it all, huh?"

His voice is rough, almost a growl as he mercilessly slams into you, hard enough that you're sure you'll bear bruises the next day.

"Yeah," you breathe, your body shaking now, your legs trembling, out of control as the first waves of your orgasm start to wash over you.

You know that Van can't hold on any longer as you clench around his cock, your warm wetness and the sight and sounds of you falling apart driving him to the brink of his own climax.

His body shudders as he finally lets go and you feel his cum flood you as you reach the heights of your crescendo, crying out in ecstasy as you both cling together, riding out your highs breathlessly.

Your legs are still locked around his waist as your head falls against his chest and you can feel his heartbeat thundering wildly.

"That was amazing... as always," you murmur, starting to pull away but he won't let you, arms wrapped tightly around you, keeping you close, your bodies connected like perfect puzzle pieces.

"Not yet... don't go yet," he whispers into your hair, his head bent down to press soft kisses into your parting. "Just wanna stay like this for a bit, ya know... give things a chance to happen..."

"Oh right, yeah, the baby making. Of course!" You grin. "Forgot about that for a moment!"

You hear a soft chuckle come from above as he wriggles his hips slightly, pressing against you even though you can feel him start to soften inside you. "Reckon that was it. That was definitely the one. I just got that feeling."

You roll your eyes even though Van can't see. "Like I've not heard you say that every single time we do it!"

"Just can't bloody wait," Van says, enthusiasm leaking into his voice as his fingers flex around your waist and he pulls back slightly to look at you, careful to keeps his hips pressed tightly against yours. "You're gonna be the best mum and I'm gonna be so proud of you."

His blue eyes are sparkling with a warmth and affection that makes your already fast beating heart race even quicker, images of you and Van becoming parents flicking through your mind like you're leafing through a future family photo album.

"Love you so much," you say, feeling the smile stretch wide on your face.

"Mmm babe... I love you too."

[ifhymona]

٭* Not Too Late *٭

Chapter 7 | chino moreno x reader

chapter 6 ~ chapter 8 | AO3

912 words

i can’t sleep. the gig is tomorrow and my mind was racing. not about the gig, but about chino. well a little about the gig too. but for the most part, i couldn’t help but think about all the things abe told me.

this isn’t supposed to be happening. chino’s my best friend. why does he have to make my heart race all the time?

i started thinking back about my feelings for him back in high school. i felt like i was my teenage self again. dumb and naive about love. i haven’t felt like this in years.

i thought i was over chino. you’d think that i was given enough time to get over him. but apparently not. ever since chino has been back in my life, i always feel an intense wave of emotions wash over me around him. he’s just so effortless. it’s fun having a crush but i had a bad feeling about this. chino is a rockstar, someone worthy for the entire world to see. me on the other hand, what do i have to offer? i sighed to myself. i need to get some sleep.

~

the long awaited gig is now here. they haven’t toured or done any shows in a awhile since they’ve been working on around the fur so much. so this is pretty big. plus more coverage.

chino was supposed to pick me up first so it was time to start getting ready. i put a little black eyeshadow on and put eyeliner on my waterline with some mascara. i combed my hair and grabbed the clothes i was gonna wear. i put on a black tank top with my black shorts and fishnets. to accessorize, i wore a studded belt. i put on my green sweater and tied the laces to my green converse.

i heard a honk from outside. chino’s here. we still had around five hours before the show so we can prepare the venue.

i walked out looking down at my feet nervously. i hope chino doesn’t think i look bad.

i opened the car door and closed it as i sat down. as i was putting my seat belt on, i felt a certain pair of eyes on me. i turned my head to chino. he had frosted tips and heavy eyeliner around his eyes. he was wearing a grey shirt with some black cargo pants and had spiky bracelets on both of his wrists.

he looked me up and down. i started growing nervous. i spoke before he could. “copycat. why’d you have to steal my makeup look?” i smirked while pushing his chest back.

he put his hand over his chest. “cmon baby, don’t do me like that.” he smiled while leaning in towards me. my heart started beating out of my chest. i impulsively turned my face away. oh god i’m such an idiot! why did i turn my face?

“maybe next time.” he smirked and drove away.

~

after our little moment, we picked up the rest of the band and moved all of the instruments over to the venue. i spent most of those hours bringing in boxes full of their merchandise, setting up the merch stand and making sure everything was in place. i was able to hire some people to work the merch stand so i can watch the show.

we were all backstage. everybody else were making sure their instruments were perfect since there were around ten minutes left before the show starts.

“are you nervous?” i asked chino. he was peaking out the curtain, looking at the vast crowd. it was loud from everybody waiting for the show to start. chino turned around to me.

“yeah a little. even if i’ve done this dozens of times, i think i’ll always be nervous before a show.” he looked down at his shoes scratching the back of his neck. i stared at him. when he looked back at me, i didn’t look away this time. we held eye contact.

he looked me up and down. “you look amazing.” he said breathlessly.

i couldn’t help but look down making my hair cover my face. a growing feeling in my chest made it hard stand straight. leave it to chino to make my knees weak even when i try not to.

“thanks.” i softly laughed.

“no seriously y/n, you look good.” i felt his eyes piercing through me. has he been staring at me this whole time?

before i got to say anything, i got cutoff by the sound guy. “five minutes guys!”

i changed the topic. i never really liked being talked about, good or bad. “i’m excited to see you guys perform! this will be a first!” i grinned.

“i’m excited for you to see us. i hope you enjoy seeing us on stage.”

“of course i will!” i look out the curtain to really see the crowd for myself. “wow, that’s a lot of people.” my jaw slightly drops looking out into the crowd. i didn’t truly realize how big of a following the band has created until now.

“yeah well, good thing i’m only trying to impress one person.” he teased.

i turn to him, curious on who he’s trying to impress. i don’t ask. “i hope you dazzle them with your wits.” i teased back. we were staring at each other again.

“sorry if i suck tonight.” he chuckled.

“i’m sure you won’t.” i smiled.

a/n: i hope everyone enjoyed today’s chapter ! new chapters will be posted every friday but i will be taking a break soon to catch up on my writing so i hope you guys understand. lots of love <3