#whats a tumblr blog if not a record of all my breakdowns and exhaustions sometimes!

[imaginaryanon]

nhfjhjhjs funniest possible moment to receive blood test results with doctor's commentary of "everything's normal, no need for a follow-up appointment" btw. love having nothing significantly wrong with me (physically) anyway check out how fast and how badly i can spiral into some sort of bass boosted version of seasonal depression

[glitchedwitch]

reddo no daily life sparknotes

I’ve been wanting to talk about the past year on here for a long time, seeing as how I just kinda left and returned with no explanation. I haven’t really known how to do this -  I’ve taken pains to remove myself from my old habit of chronicling everything publicly because it made me suuuuper miserable, but I’ve also really wanted to update all my mutuals/followers who had to deal with me last spring, and give some narrative basis to why I’ve been online much less.

I’ve got impulsive exhaustion tonight so I clumsily wrote a timeline out for everyone who’s been curious. I’ll probably reblog this a couple times and then delete it. 

last year, from january to august, is what ive been calling the great slowburn mental breakdown of 2017. i was on here and posting until june so i won’t rehash it. the tl;dr is that i had a lot of backed-up crazy which became expressed crazy and made me totally non-functioning for a while

(last) spring: started therapy, got my driver’s license, made friends at the local unemployment office, changed my meds to something that actually worked. already blogged about most of this.

summer: finally had the balls to realize that the internet was making me fucking miserable. cold turkey cut off my entire online support system and a person i was unhealthily depended on. i have a lot of guilt about this, still, but i think out of all the steps that saved my life last year, this was the absolute biggest one. rest of the summer kicked ass aside from the crippling depression. the weekend i went offline i visited my friend in dc and saw symphony of the goddesses. few weekends later i went to south carolina and saw the solar eclipse in the middle of a lake on my rich friend’s boat, which was this single dopest thing that’s ever happened to me. at the beginning of september i went on a weeklong trip to the outer banks with five of my best friends from college which really was kinda my big turning point cause after i got back home everything unexpectedly started to kinda fall into place.

autumn: my uncle started a nonprofit at his church and i got a gig as his web designer (still ongoing). also FINALLY got a temp job thru the unemployment office at a ‘creative reuse center", which is like... basically a hybrid between goodwill and an art supply store. i worked 15hr a week and got paid almost nothing but it fucking owned. i drove to and from work for the first time in my life and there was a cat there. someone dumped a whole bunch of buddhist philosophy books at a book donation thing near my house and i am FULLY into that shit now (don’t really like calling myself “”converted”” cause that’s not really a thing the way it is in most other religions... looking into joining the sangha in my city tho). besides the “cutting out the internet” thing thats probably the biggest reason im functional rn. finally had the balls to return to my friends on discord and returned to hellsite a few days later because of fuckin star wars.

winter: had a pretty good xmas considering my atrocious track record with xmases. went on a huge organizational kick, started a pen and paper journal which also made me a middle-aged craft store bitch. here is when i really started reaping the benefits of therapy/mindfulness/general functionality - i just generally really became organized and put-together, managed my winter depression the best i have pretty much ever, improved my relationship with my mother a whole lot. currently working with her to clean the house, which has been hoarders-the-hit-show-on-hgtv tier fucked up for about 10 years now.

spring (now):  i got an internship doing trail maintenance and habitat restoration on the blue ridge for three months and i leave april 12th so that’s a real actual thing that’s fucking happening i am so scared. like literally, backpacking thru the mountains, camping for up to 9 days at a time, actual physical labor, what-the-fuck-did-i-sign-up-for kinda shit. i finally got off my ass and started working out for basically the first time in my life. i'm maintaining a humorously detached tone throughout this post, but i truly feel like this is the culmination of a hard and intensely rewarding year-and-a-half of dedicated recovery. i’ve been juggling a thousand possible futures in my mind this past year - but if this goes well, that means ive begun to worm my way into nonprofit environmental work which like... might be it folks. guess i’ll find out what i’m made of.

I’ll probably continue to only be on tumblr sparsely, but my inbox is still always open. Sometimes i won’t see messages or activity for a couple days, but I’ve gotten somewhat better at responding to ppl now that i’m generally less overstimulated. I deeply love all of you and treasure all the support I’ve gotten during all my years here.