#whatever yk? anyway gonna tag this so uh. sorry for the tone shift.
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I genuinely can't remember if things have ever been this bad. I don't know if I can recover, I don't even know if I care to. Things just... have been an ongoing nightmare for over a year and doctors aren't listening to me and they're making it seem like the health complications that's made me the most suicidal I've been in a long time if not ever isn't a big deal. I can't stand this shit.
#idk i just#i've sabotaged nearly all of my friendships out of fear and misunderstandings#i've hurt people out of spite and i've been wanting nothing more than to just disappear#i long to die every single day and any time i try to tell my mum that i feel like shit she isn't really hearing me out#i love her and her heart is in the right and she's trying to help but this isn't the type of help i need#this isn't something i can improve on with positive thinking and gratitude journals#i want to die. i want to die every single day. whenever i take any of my meds i just look at the case and just... i could do it#i have something like 200 sleeping pills i discontinued after they werent working anymore but had just refilled. i have several odd old meds#among those are maybe 3 or 4 different antidepressants/antipsychotics plus a bunch of other things#it takes having to actively step away when i have to refill my weekly pill box from just dumping everything in that case into my mouth#i just. idk#i really don't know anymore#i don't think i even want to bother trying to come back from this. i've been begging the doctors and specialists i've been going to help me#and yet they just. give me a sorta :/ look and send me home and hope it resolves itself or that the meds that haven't helped suddenly will#i can't take it anymore#i just don't see a way out of this situation alive#this is just so fucking stupid#whatever yk? anyway gonna tag this so uh. sorry for the tone shift.#cw: suicide#cw: medical#cw: mental health#cw: gender dysphoria#nqp
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