#whatever yk? anyway gonna tag this so uh. sorry for the tone shift. | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

imissthefire · 10 months ago

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I genuinely can't remember if things have ever been this bad. I don't know if I can recover, I don't even know if I care to. Things just... have been an ongoing nightmare for over a year and doctors aren't listening to me and they're making it seem like the health complications that's made me the most suicidal I've been in a long time if not ever isn't a big deal. I can't stand this shit.

#idk i just #i've sabotaged nearly all of my friendships out of fear and misunderstandings #i've hurt people out of spite and i've been wanting nothing more than to just disappear #i long to die every single day and any time i try to tell my mum that i feel like shit she isn't really hearing me out #i love her and her heart is in the right and she's trying to help but this isn't the type of help i need #this isn't something i can improve on with positive thinking and gratitude journals #i want to die. i want to die every single day. whenever i take any of my meds i just look at the case and just... i could do it #i have something like 200 sleeping pills i discontinued after they werent working anymore but had just refilled. i have several odd old meds #among those are maybe 3 or 4 different antidepressants/antipsychotics plus a bunch of other things #it takes having to actively step away when i have to refill my weekly pill box from just dumping everything in that case into my mouth #i just. idk #i really don't know anymore #i don't think i even want to bother trying to come back from this. i've been begging the doctors and specialists i've been going to help me #and yet they just. give me a sorta :/ look and send me home and hope it resolves itself or that the meds that haven't helped suddenly will #i can't take it anymore #i just don't see a way out of this situation alive #this is just so fucking stupid #whatever yk? anyway gonna tag this so uh. sorry for the tone shift.#cw: suicide #cw: medical #cw: mental health #cw: gender dysphoria #nqp

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