#whatever i'm spiraling who needs good mental health who cares who cares who fucking cares who cares

[whorejolras]

and we're back with another thrilling episode (lol) of our favourite show: everyone hates me everyone hates me everyone hates me everyone hates me everyone hates me everyone hates me everyone hates me everyone hate

[storm-angel989]

Hi,

I know you’ve been writing these themes a lot so if you are feeling sick of them or burnout feel free to just ignore this :) But if your interested I’d love a Velvette x Reader (platonic or romantic, whatever you’re feeling) where the reader was a model when they were alive and struggled with disordered eating because of the harsh industry standards. Now in hell they feel like they are better but after awhile of working with Vel it starts to come back. Thank you :)

P.s. I absolute adore your writing. I love your characterization of the Vees.

Hi Friend,

This is a pretty intense topic and mixing models with ED's makes sense. I'm not burnt out- not yet at least!

<3 Mandy

The clause itself was considered standard procedure, a non negotiable part of the contract Velvette offered. The requirement of full disclosure of any and all mental health issues her models faced before coming to her. Some might argue that requirement invaded privacy. Personal disclosure that had nothing to do with the job at hand. A stance Velvette both vehemently disagreed with and couldn’t give less of a fuck about. Sign the contract or don’t, she didn’t care either way. She had been in the industry long enough to know that the job requirements could send a being spiraling if they didn’t have someone keeping a careful eye on them. 

And truly, that was what Velvette cared about. Model’s passing out, a shirt slipping and revealing fresh cuts, constant shivering- none of it was a good look for the company, or her image. And so she kept careful note and watched constantly for signs that their work was taking a toll on them. Bi-monthy runway walks, clouted as extra practice for each model, put in place to keep their skills sharp, served a dual purpose. File in hand, she could observe and study the particulars of each girl. 

Velvette louged in her directors chair, leafing through her binder with each passing demon. Some pages boosted her handwritten scrawls, notes and dates of concerning, specific observations. As she sat watching as her models walked down the runway, her eyes narrowed as they fell to Reader. 

Reader. Her file boasted two notes. One from her arrival in hell. Another from the last modeling session. As her eyes studied readers appearance, she observed what most would overlook. Slight changes in her bodies proportions that indicated something wasn’t quite right. Quietly, she flagged the page. 

In her office later that night, she dialed Valentino’s number. In her vast experience, it took two to convince a demon they needed help. And as always, it helped that Valentino brought with him his own set of expertise- eyes that could and would pick a body apart if warranted. More importantly, he stood as her friend. Someone who understood the difficulties of this career, who was one of the two who stood by her side when she herself struggled. To her relief, he came within minutes and took his place behind her. Wordlessly, she handed him the file. 

“Call her in,” he said after a moment. “I’ll set up the scale.” 

The press of a buzzer. A call for her to Velvette’s office. A quiet escort in. Velvette looked at the terrified girl and softened her expression the best she could. 

“Reader. Let me be clear, you’re not in trouble,” she began as gently as we could. “But we have noticed something slightly concerning, and we need to get a weight on you. Undress and step on the scale for us.” 

It wasn’t a request. Velvette knew that, and she knew Reader did too. She watched as Reader took off her jeans and sweatshirt. Velvette did her best to hide the sense of relief that washed over her- she wasn’t layering yet. Obediently, Reader stepped on. Another good sign. She wasn’t defensive, she wasn’t fighting. Not yet, at least. Hope fluttered in Velvette’s chest. Maybe she had caught this one early enough. 

“What is my weight?” Reader asked in confusion as she stared down at the blank scale. 

“We have that information, bebita. Not something you need to concern yourself with,” Valentino replied as he showed Velvette the number on the scale, sent directly to his phone. 

Velvette’s heart sank. Ten pounds under hiring. And reader was already thin to begin with. She looked at Valentino and he shook his head. A silent understanding between the two. 

“You can step off,” Velvette told her. “We have the information we need.”

A look of dismay crossed Reader’s face. “Am I in trouble?”

“Trouble? No. But we are noticing a concerning trend with your weight. So we’re going to put you on a plan,” Velvette replied as gently as she could. “Twice a week you’re going to meet with a therapist. She’s going to go over a meal plan with you. What you say to her in these sessions will stay private, but we’ll reassess in two weeks. If your weight continues to drop, we’ll…” Velvette’s voice caught in her throat. 

Valentino put his hand on her shoulder. “We’ll cross that bridge if it comes to it. For now, you’ll be taken down the hall to meet your therapist and be given a through physical.” 

“I’m sorry,” Reader began.

“There is no reason to be sorry. This is a hard industry, we simply want you healthy,” Velvette replied instantly. 

As Velvette watched her be escorted out the door, a sense of relief washed over her. There was no protest, no fights. A simple acceptance of fact. Another good sign. Velvette laid her arms on her desk and put her head down. 

“Amicito, are you alright?” Valentino asked in a voice reserved only for those he loved. “I know this is difficult, but you did the right thing.”

“I hate this, Val,” she replied in a muffled tone. “I hate what we do to these demons. I hate that perfection is an unachievable standard and I hate…I hate seeing them fall, again and again, to a demon far more powerful than me.”

“But the standards we devised help stop them from falling. They keep both our workers safe and our company in good standing,” Valentino replied gently. “Come on Vel, let’s get out of here. You need a break, muñeca. Let’s call Vox and…”

“And have a night in,” she interrupted as she lifted her head. Slowly, she stood up. “I’m not in the mood to deal with people.” 

“Then you won’t,” Valentino replied as he slid his arm around her. 

Just before she went to open the door, Velvette paused. She looked at Valentino and he watched as the harsh mask she wore on the daily melted away. 

“Val? Thanks for not…for not letting me slide into the arms of my own demon,” she said softly. “I couldn’t, if I didn’t have you and Vox I’d…”

Valentino didn’t let her finish. Instead, her wrapped his arms around her and gave her a tight hug before releasing her.“Amicito, that’s what friends are for.”

[sidhewrites]

do you have tips on learning how to do that with your thoughts when all you want to do is hate yourself

regarding this post

So this is coming with a couple disclaimers:

This may not work for everyone, because everyone is different and there's no panacea for mental health

i'm not an authority, i just worked with a DBT therapist for 5 years and did my best for after that.

this method isn't necessarily meant to stop your thought spirals or feeling like shit. I'm giving this advice from the perspective of just wanting to make it bearable and allow you to get to the other side unscathed

This will not work right away. It sucks. I hate that it takes time and effort, but it does. It's a skill you have to build up. It took me literal years to get it to work and I promise you're worth the time it takes to figure it out as well.

Finally, ask for external validation whenever you need it. Friends, family, positivity blogs, r/congratslikeimfive anywhere. This is hard! You're doing a hard thing. And you deserve to have people on your side while you do it.

But start with knowing logically that these thoughts are not the truth. They're not you, they're not reality, they're just the chemicals in your brain and thought patterns making you feel like shit. It may feel real, but it's not, I promise. You aren't a terrible person, your friends don't hate you, and your cat would not be better off starving on the streets covered in fleas. It'll take a while to believe this, but tell yourself until it feels true. Fake it till you make it. It takes time for it to really sink in, but it will.

Addendum: turns out i have a lot to say so it's going under a cut

Your job is to start with stopping things from spiraling to the bottom. Whether that means slowing it down, stopping it, or bringing it back up -- it just depends the situation in the moment and your skill with coping methods.

SAY STOP: You can use a couple of skills that may or may not work for you. Sometimes it's just physically stopping whatever movements you're doing, holding your hands out, saying the word stop. When I get caught in an indecision spiral where I want to do everything at once (put the dishes away, pick up the towel, stop the timer on my phone, etc etc etc), I physically make myself stand still, hold my palms outward like I'm telling someone else to stop, and think "Stop."

It lets me reset and make an order of operations in my head and manage things. It might work with some things but not with others. Like saying stop won't make my self-hatred spiral help, but you gotta try anyway to figure out what works and what doesn't.

GIVE IT A NAME: For me personally, it's easier to separate myself from these emotions than it is to say "No, I'm wrong, I shouldn't be thinking this way, I'm stupid for feeling this way." Because in the moment it doesn't feel wrong, even when it is demonstrably false, and can make you spiral further down.

You can use a name that's funny, that's meaningful, whatever. I chose clarence because it's fun to say "Fuck off, clarence." Clarence is wrong. Clarence is stupid for thinking this way. I'm amazing.

Find some way to talk about these spirals in a way as if they're an entirely different entity than yourself, and then tell them to leave you alone. Again, it won't stop the spirals from happening, but it will make it easier to suffer through until you're able to come down from your emotional distress.

TELL YOURSELF YOU'RE AMAZING.

I don't care if it feels wrong, or like a lie. I am telling you, as someone who went through major depressive disorder with no coping skills, you're amazing. You've gotten through this much, and you deserve good things.

Find concrete facts about yourself so you can argue with your Clarence. He thinks you suck? Well you're really good at making pancakes and your friends love your jokes and you have the best taste in shoes, so Clarence can fuck right off because he's wrong.

If you can't find it on your own...

ASK FOR HELP

Tell the people in your life. I'll say to my friends Clarence is being a bitch about XYZ" and they hype me up and talk about how wrong he is and point out things they like.

You might feel like they're wrong. You might feel like they're lying to make you feel better.

That's not true. That's just Clarence being a bitch and telling you lies. Your friends love you, and they love you enough to tell you how great they think you are.

DISTRACT YOURSELF

Make sure it's something that you like. No doomscrolling, nothing to make you angry, nothing to make you hopeless. It doesn't have to be positive or funny, but it has to get your mind off things. A movie, tv, a video game, whatever. It'll help get your mind out of the spiral and get on with your life. It'll feel shitty and awful until you get out of that hole, and the hole will always be there to trip into, but you'll know it's not true. It's just some shitty dude who lives in your head trying to be a shit and get in the way of how amazing you are.

Anecdote: I was having a self hatred spiral and feeling like daisy would be better off on the streets than she is in my house. Meanwhile she's across the room looking like the happiest girl in the world. I literally took a picture because it was so funny how BLATANTLY FALSE my emotions were in the moment. Look at her. I love her.

[diamondshapedcat]

Dehumanization. That's what it was. That's what it is. All I wanted was a place at the table, a level playing field. The opportunity to work among everyone else in the world.

That's what they told me in school. They said that I should think about what job I wanted when I was older. That there was so many options out there. So I picked one and started to learn how to fix cars. And they set me up to fail, probably thinking that this autistic person was just being silly for wanting to work. 'Awww he thinks he's people' 'Let the little guy pretend he's smart' All said behind my back of course but looking back I can tell they were thinking it. After 3 years of learning and unsuccessful applications I found out why I wasn't getting anywhere. In addition to the qualifications I needed hands on experience as well. Everyone else was working part time in a garage and never told me. I spent 3 years on a worthless degree because I never got the practical time to go with it.

But I foolishly didn't give up, I kept trying to make it work and be more flexible. I felt that I had to prove that I could do it and make something for myself. I learnt and listened to every bit of advice I could about interview skills and job hunting stuff. I picked up new skills, did the song and dance routine again and again.

But they were only interested in what I didn't have. A neurotypical brain. The world said you have to work, you have to get a job but that assumed that you were neurotypical. I kept going and going, listing to their false reassurances and lies that I would get it next time and I just need to try a little bit harder. Despite everything I kept going despite my mental health spiraling downwards into the toilet and suffering from depression. I dug my nails into the false hope that I would get it next time. I based my self worth on getting a job and that blinded me to every horrible ugly truth about this world. I felt like I had to get a job because I wanted to be able to look after myself without having to worry about anything. It was my world and I made it my sole reason for existing.

In 2021 I finally had enough and told my job advisor at the time to pull his finger out of his arse, stop bullshitting me and get me a job. Of course realising that I had seen through the lies he let me go.

That was a good day and even now it brings me a smile.

That was the day the pain stopped. The day I walked away. The day I regained my humanity. When the healing started.

For a while I kept applying for jobs on my own. trying out whatever tricks I could think of. Over the 15 or so years I lost, I notice that as time went on I met less with people and more with automated applications. It got worse, in other words. Another barrier put up to stop me. I struggled with people who didn't care and algorithms that couldn't care. If by some miracle I managed to get to a person, they would figure out I was autistic within 5 minutes and another day would be wasted.

The biggest thing I learned was that no was the only answer I would get. Again and again no matter what I did, I was told I was worthless. Come back where you are human. And I believed it. What I should have learned was that I should have told them to fuck off and not give a shit about their rigged game but that just made me try harder to prove myself. If my best wasn't considered human that what was I? Did I not have worth? Did the world see me as nothing more than a problem that no one wanted to deal with?

Dehumanization.

So that brings me to today. Free from the pain and discrimination but with too much time and nothing to do. I forgot how to be human and I'm relearning my self worth. Not to value myself entirely on my employment status.

I know that one day I am going to forced back into that hell, and I won't survive. I will be broken down again and again to the point so that when I finally throw myself off a bridge I won't feel anything when I hit the ground because I will already be dead inside.

For now I'm just going to try and enjoy life while I can.

[murielcook]

the trouble with gender when you're trying to have none

i expect to be gendered by normcore cis people, so depending on how much i care about their opinion (mostly if they have any institutional power over me or people i care about), i will style myself to their expectations or if they don't have power just let them think whatever negative things they want if i fail some gender test. this lets me continue to provide for people who are more vulnerable than I am. It is at minimum uncomfortable, and sometimes painful, but that is a price happily paid. If I only had myself to risk, I might take a different road, but people rely on me for this ability to move in these spaces without immediately being flagged as Other. With the messed up systems we have and the biases people are allowed to wield to hurt people they have decided aren't doing gender correctly, the cover I can give & interference I can run is pretty important.

Visibly, I had breast reduction surgery which of course i heavily couch in physical relief from pain when talking to those normal types who can impact my livelihood. This is a component but not the biggest component of why it was important; the mental and spiritual stress were far, far greater. (Frankly, none if it should be anybody's goddamn business, but that's the whole thing isn't it??) Mostly invisibly, I am fucking with my hormones to the extent I can afford without getting too deep into grey or black market, because I need to know what feels good, what fits. It's complex. i am broke and have dodgy health so i gotta mind my ps and qs. Doctors only know 2 genders and they aren't good at either, we know this, it's well past needing to change but that's a whole conversation.

around people in the know, i at least let my guard down and don't act as though i'm being actively policed for Correct Gender. I play in the space more, mix up self-reference, presentation, etc. Share more about self-experimentation. I don't have to self-police (and it IS policing) for how my actions may make me look abnormal but I don't get too wet and wild with it. There's a lot of years of defense to still scrape off, and for the most part i simply prefer to not "be gendered" to the extent such a thing is possible. people do engage with me in a gendered way and part of being in safer waters is learning how that feels, and actually being able to think what to do with it and about it instead of just re-conforming before I'm corrected. For a long time it simply wasn't an option, and there's no script, no good sign posts, few examples to follow, for when you aren't going from A to B.

but there are people who feel like this approach is fraudulent, or "cis but you think you're special", and a drain on transgender social goals. (acceptance, seriousness, etc) I mostly try not to engage with people that feel that way, we're simply never going to get along and I already navigate baseline disrespect, I don't need to add active hostility to the mix. What gets me down about that situation though, is it does set up a barrier where i am still required to police my language and behavior to avoid causing problems that can either waste a bunch of time or close off valuable resources, not just for me but also for people who associate with me. it's harder to deal with from people also outside the cis experience, because it's less predictable, and far more frustrating. limiting the definition of "doing it right" is part of how things got so terrible to deal with in the first place.

The best thing to do is take a deep breath, know that we're all going through it, and not take it personally. but you know i'm just not that good so sometimes I get upset about it. have a fun little spiral about all the times I felt like shit over gender, that sort of thing. most people who'd think uncharitable or flat out wrong things about me can't do jack shit about it, and that's a relief. i think the rest has to come down to blocking and moving on with my day, because unless the dynamic changes where it's someone i HAVE to work with, then i'm just wasting my own day on someone who hates me for reasons they either mostly made up or that have nothing to do with either of us!

HGNNNNGNNNNNNGHHhhhhh okay i'm good.

[globodamorte]

tw: rape mention

just some thoughts on some stupid webtoon dw

like it's so strange. the whole "don't you want to be consoled?" part exists within the same work as the main character being very explicitly raped by the guy he's supposed to end up with. what is going on.

I also feel like the author held sukyun in this really weird place for such a long time like at first his problem was the watch and shit and he decided to not keep himself hostage to his schedule which is nice. and then we learn he has serious abandonment issues and while that's valid, he just seemed. stagnant. you know?? while wooin had the whole family+Jun backstory, jungsoo and yoonseol with the scam arc, sukyun was just... there? and all he did was feel unhealthily jealous and have creepy thoughts. every time he showed up he was either jealous or busy.

and like the whole thing with Jun felt so weird and forced like fr why does possessiveness get so romanticized all the time is not cute it's creepy!!!!! and it's always so fucking exaggerated like "don't hang out with this guy anymore/ your friends anymore" don't do this don't do that. and after time and time again woo in explained they're like family to him and he even mentions yoonseol as an example "should I be jealous of yoonseol then?", sukyuns like "ugh gross no were brothers wtf???" and he still doesn't fucking get it.

and fr before things escalated to the point of what happened a couple chapters ago, wooin and sukyun could've benefitted so much from a good old talk. like I realized this. they don't talk. wooin talked about his family but mostly it seemed like it was just to explain AGAIN his relationship with jun and that was an opportunity to have sukyun reflect about it and then open up gradually to woo in but... nothing happened.

and while of course a character's arc doesn't have to be necessarily positive, I'd argue he doesn't even have a character arc. he did nothing this whole time. and while I also know really well how hard it is to open up to the people you love, this seemed like the way his arc was going, bc he definitely needs professional help. but how am I supposed to root for him now after he fucking raped woo in. I know realistically how hard it is but this is fiction and fr seeing the guy spiral so hard to the point of raping the guy he's dating isn't cool. I'd rather have him go to therapy thanks

like.how hard could it be to have a scene with him opening up a smidge (or trying to and not being able to) and wooins like "bro you need help"

but idk sukyun seems like he'd be offended by the suggestion of going to therapy. like he's the mr.100% perfect and while yes he's said to wooin how that made him feel so extremely pressured and stressed but at the same time how dare you suggest I go to therapy. idk. I'm just taking this out from his characterization bc of course id like him to stop and think and listen to what his boyfriend says for once. but idk whatever

like idgi why does sexual assault need to be so romanticized but at the same time it makes no sense bc on the other side jungsoo was assaulted and the response to it was appropriate!!!!! what is wrong with this author!!!!

I'm so confused.

I'm already pretty much only reading this for jungsoo and yoonseol (and wooin bc I want him to be ok) so I don't even care abt sukyun. at least not anymore this was truly disappointing to see bc his character coulve been extremely interesting and complex

EDIT: wanted to add that sukyuns intrusive thoughts are no indicator of him as a person but I realized that those could also have been a good point for him to start looking for help. like the point is the author had so many good opportunities to get his character arc going but he always stays still. stagnant. rusted in place. which is such a disappointment as a person who struggles a lot with my mental health and has intrusive thoughts. it's really a shame to see a character like him be so "misused"

[pugwitharug]

Hello, I want to make a request, about some headcanon of the main 4 with an mc who is a very fragile health person since childhood and who is a very insecure person about his fragility since he feels that it is a burden and the main 4 they comfort you, I just want fluff your honor

Ohohohoho the honorable judge Puggo will grant your request! Or whatever lawyers say idk I'm not one

GN Reader, lots of comfort, I don't have the mental energy rn to put a whole story with each person so yeah, spoilers in Felix's section for Chapter...11? 12? The back end of it really

☠️Felix Iskander Escellun ☠️

His own mental health isn't the best (let's face it none of them are mentally stable) so he 100% understands the struggles of feeling like a burden

Especially if you're later in Felix's route where *SPOILERS* he loses his magic, he constantly talks about feeling useless and like a burden to everyone else trying to help

He takes the greatest care to make sure you know that you are not a burden and you will never be one

You made a small mistake and now you're spiralling? He's by your side, walking you through deep breathing and positive affirmations and pulling yourself up

He will never ever judge you for not being the epitome of mental health. I mean look at him, do you think he's a hypocrite?

Okay maybe he is sometimes but not in this sense!

Honestly the best out of the M4 at helping you lol, they try their best I swear

⚔️Anisa Anka⚔️

Okay if I had to rank them in order of actually knowing what to do, Anisa would be third

She's better for when you're desperately trying to hold back sobs in the middle of the night because your dumb brain makes you feel like shit and she catches you and holds you close and listens to you try to explain your feelings through a broken voice, less for everyday things

Like she'll try to distract your mind with a task to do but then you make one small mistake and you start spiraling and she's trying to fix it and you feel like even more of a burden and yeah it's not a good time for anyone

Her way of showing love is by giving gifts but it may or may not backfire so it's really a lot of trial and error

But she loves you so very much and she will do anything and everything to make sure you know that

🐱Sage Lesath🐱

He puts on a humongous bravado of this confident suave catman but in reality, he's pretty insecure, so he gets where you're coming from, at least a little bit

If you want some advice on how to look more confident, he's your guy! Though maybe you should go to Anisa as well cuz his version of confidence might not work for you

He's...kinda in a tough spot on bringing you along with bounties. If he brings you on bounties your anxiety might kick in and make you feel like a burden and make you spiral. If he doesn't bring you on bounties your anxiety might kick in and make you feel like a burden and make you spiral

Really between a rock and a hard place

But besides that, he's second to Felix in being helpful. He also knows what it feels like to be a burden, and he's always there for you and will encourage you to have better coping mechanisms for your anxiety

But please force him to do them with you cuz good god he needs it

🦌Rime Solano Varela🦌

Before he was brought back to life, he might be higher on this list, but now he's at the bottom

He really doesn't know how to help you, and on the inside that kills him. He knows he could be better, that he was better at emotions and other people, but now he's all fucked up

He'll always have an ear and a shoulder open for you, of course, but don't expect any wise words of advice

He'll definitely offer to kill someone if they're the source of your anxiety for the moment. Please don't let him

He'd try to distract you from your mind. I don't think he has that many funny stories left in his mind, but he'll use his magic! You wanna go ice skating in the middle of summer?

But he knows that might not be what you need, and might nudge you towards one of the others who can help you better

He really does want to try his best, but he's just...not the best equipped for the job

[caparrucia]

🤗🎉📚

🤗 What advice would you give to new fanfic writers that are just getting started?

I know this is hysterical and borderline hypocritical coming from me, but here goes:

If you find yourself trapped in an inescapable worldbuilding spiral where you're too busy figuring out the world to tell an actual story? You don't have a story.

Scrap it and start over.

With the caveat: there's nothing wrong with doing worldbuilding for fun and taking the time to explore your setting and make it your own, but in my experience, people who are too focused trying to pin down how their world works and making charts and lists and maps and bestiaries, before writing at least an outline or a first draft? Those are people who don't actually have a story to tell and won't ever actually do.

All those pieces of media you remember fondly, with the million worldbuilding addons that explore the world and give it more context? You're missing the part where the only reason you cared about it, is because you learned about it from the story itself. From its characters and actions. Worldbuilding that does not directly impact your story in some capacity is literal deadweight, a shower thought made manifest.

Work on your characters. Work on your story. Figure out the exciting, important bits and write THOSE. The world building will come naturally as you set the stage for the cool thing you want to write, as opposed to writing the world's most elaborate stage for two people standing awkwardly in the middle of it, talking in plain monotones about the pointlessness of the weather.

(Caveat of the caveat: write whatever the fuck you want and whatever makes you happy, but like. That's my hot take. Worldbuilding serves the story, not the other way around. I've seen far too many people desperately frustrated with themselves, unable to figure out why they're so good at worldbuilding, but when it comes to writing the story, they can't force the words onto the page and they almost always never realize on their own that they've forgotten to actually think up a story to go with their worlds.)

🎉 What leads you to consider a fic a success?

I got to post it on AO3! Mostly I write a lot and discard even more. I'm not very attached to my own words, until I make them public and then they're... out there! On their own! So I'm always a little giddy when I wrap up something and manage to get it ready to be posted on AO3. Everything else? Reception/metrics/popularity/comments... all of that is a nice bonus. The main thing is, I got it out! So that's the mountain I climbed and everything else is just a celebration.

📚 Would you ever want to turn writing into a career?

I very much would not! To put it blithely but very bluntly:

I worked in the publishing industry in my early 20s, all set to start a writer's career. I wrote columns and published articles and was doing the whole philology and theology thing for real.

And the things I saw in there?

Yeah, I moved onto the financial industry instead because it seemed more humane.

Yes, the financial industry I am liable to start ranting at the drop of a hat about how it is secretly the source of all the evil in the world.

Yep.

Better for my mental health and overall health than the publishing industry.

I have massive respect for people who do writing for a living. I do! But I know for a fact that's not a thing I want to spend the rest of my life doing. I don't need to be paid to write, in so far that I have a full time job and I am more than happy to keep my writing as a hobby. That's how I'm happy and I'm not liable to change that any time soon!

[weirdthingsphanniessay]

Some thoughts on Dystopia Daily aka Dan's Last Attempt At YouTube.

"[Dystopia Daily] may not be daily" - Weird but ok.

"I am finally just gonna give the people and the algorithm what they ask for"; "I am here to create some fucking content (...) my way" - So which one is it, their way or your way?

"I would like to open each episode of "Dystopia Daily" with a monologue about the times that we live in. Something topical, personal, controversial, sexual maybe, I dunno, whatever." - So which one is it, rambling about the world or rambling about yourself?

"I dunno what I wanna do with my life because I don't know what I want." - You're a rich 31-year-old man, not a helpless teenager. Get off the internet, get intensive therapy, and get yourself together. Find hobbies and a job that actually fulfil you.

"More attention? God, please no." - Why are you still a public internet personality then?

"Money? Yeah, I've been ruined by stupid leftist YouTubers and Twitter accounts. And now I'm some bloody, low-key socialist that can't live without the guilt." - Get off the internet, leave your bubble, and use that money you feel guilty about to do good in the world.

"Is it just sex?" - Your sex jokes stopped being funny 5 years ago. Stop.

"after having my dreams disintegrated by an uncaring corporate cog in the machine, and thusly relearning how to be cripplingly depressed for a while after I literally wrote the book about looking after your mental health..." - You had to face rejection. Welcome to life. You're also a hypocrite, cool.

"The problem with everything I aspire to do with my life off social media is it has to be on someone else's terms, and their timeline" - Again, welcome to life you privileged dumbass. Do you think you're the first and only person ever who faces challenges and has to make compromises with other people and still gets disappointed every now and then? Who do you think you are?

"Every day, I am tempted to just go live in the woods, but you keep asking me to come back, trapping me in this liminal hell where I can neither fully follow my dreams or just frolic in the forest and finally be free." - Don't shift the responsibility. Go live in the woods if you want to, no one's trapping you. Stop acting like a martyr. Your fans will be fine.

"What I wanna know is what happens after [burning out]?" You either (1) quit for good, (2) reinvent yourself and your act, or (3) continue to spiral while the world is watching. I can think of several Youtuber examples for each option, and right now it looks like you're on the way to #3.

"I have developed a total phobia of social media, which as someone who is reliant on two apps to live is a bit of a fuckin' problem."; "I feel like I cannot tweet without…"; "On Instagram, my problem is…"; "I really dunno where to go from here" - Get help for your social media addiction and get off the internet.

"I am afraid to upload anything unless it's a fuckin' feature film"; "I have somehow pushed myself into a corner where I can't create a clip unless I got some kind of bomb to drop or trauma to mine for content."; "I care way too much about what people think and what it all means." - It means you need to grow thicker skin or get off the internet and get a job where you aren't exposing yourself to millions of people.

"have I just let various paranoias mutate unchecked and trap me in a prison of my own toxic thoughts?" - Probably.

"I am in terminally online rehabilitation, just trying to learn to shitpost again and find some serotonin somewhere. So this show here is a immersion therapy." - No, you should definitely try to find serotonin elsewhere. Offline. Actual therapy, and hobbies and work that have nothing to do with the internet.

"They say the best way to face your fears is head on. So I am here and I'm queer and I am just gonna force myself through the tears."; "I just wanna show the world and show you that even when every part of you is screaming not to do something, sometimes, you should just go for it" - Sometimes, the fear you feel is there for a reason and you should listen to it because it's trying to protect you. Again, stop being a martyr.

"[We're All Doomed]'s a show I made to just give me something to head towards to save my own life" - If this isn't a cry for help, I don't know what is.

[zwoelffarben]

And this is why every person that follows me wins themselves a background check (affectionate).

Cause every now and then, We gots ta instant block someone.

We're a man and a feminist; and you don't get to say as a blanket statement that we're not worthy of being recognized as a human; and then turn right around and follow us for the funny quips, interesting analysis, or fool-hardy fandom. No. You don't get to take the worst of men, and claim they represent me who has spent a noninsignificant portion of their life helping women get out of dangerous situations. I've dropped everyting in my life to help a woman leave bad living situations four times; every time I've done it meant driving a car sixteen hours; I'm miserably allergic to cats and I've catsat for weeks or months four times, because a woman needed their cats taken care of and I was the first person they thought to ask (not their last resort); I have trauma by proxy because a woman I care about had horrible things happen to them while I could do nothing to help. And no, I wasn't doing any of that wit the alterior motive to sleep wit them: I only wanted to help.

We're also a woman and we get it. It sucks living under the patriarchy. There are some days where we, while BEING A MAN think, "yeah, men suck." But, this shit is the opposite of productive, and yeah sometimes an unproductive kvetch is important for a person's mental health, but like; it ain't just kvetching if you've fucking pinned it and then filled the rest of your blog with the same shit, a lot of it reblogged directly from red names: At that point, it's toxic fixation, and y'all need to stop spiral down 'the manosphere' looking for bad men who prove your belief that men are evil or whatever (btw, this is a reblog responding to someone doing exactly that), because every rabbithole is infinitely deep, and you'll find what you look for.

The solution enrealis to thinking all men are inherently inhuman creatures capable only of hate and harm, is to find some fucking counterexamples. Find good men and have them in your life, and whenever the impulsive thought "Ugh men" echos through your brain, spare a thought for your good friend Dave whose's awesome and good at bowling or whatever the fuck your Dave happens to do, and pivot to thought to say "Ugh, patriarchy" instead, yeah?

[fluorescentbrains]

hi I'm sorry you feel the way you feel right now about spn. you don't know how weirdly relieved it makes me to know I wasn't the only one genuinely emotionally damaged by this show (if you're not joking rn. I hope not because then this will be a little awkward lmao but Im really going back to therapy for this) because I always feel like a crazy person when I say it out loud. you see, I had to leave the show a while ago. I left and only kept up with whatever people on tumblr said was happening on the show. but really the reason I had to leave was because it was genuinely worsening my mental health lol. I cared TOO much about it. and having personal issues with delusions, it really made me feel absolutely insane when literally everyone (fandom and writers and everyone in between) would laugh at me in my face and say or imply I was delusional and stupid and ridiculous for seeing things that weren't there (they were!!), or calling me/treating me as if I was a hormonal pervert for liking deancas when I was only a kid with a bunch of sexuality and gender issues who didnt even care about sex but was made to feel shame for it anyway. the fandom the show and all the batshit stuff around it also really modified the way I engaged with media (or anything really) ever again, because I never let myself care about anything as much as I cared about spn. I probably sound so dumb but like it truly modified a lot of stuff in me forever, which is why it'll always stay in my heart for good reasons and bad reasons. all of this without even talking about how important the show, the characters and the actors (yeah jackles- I didn't know back then that idolizing celebrities was wrong until I learned it the hard way lol) were for me as a severely depressed teen who was just starting to find themselves. anyways I came back again before the last episodes in the middle of an already existing depressive episode, because i guess you can never really escape this show for some reason, and it once again fucked me up completely. like the ending was so so depressing and hopeless to me it sent me down a spiral again. I left the show to avoid feeling like this because in my heart I knew they would screw it up and I needed to be prepared but it happened anyway lmao. like what's all this what's the point of anything. I'll still stay in this lane because I guess this is where I do and will always belong, and if there's any lesson this godforsaken show left me is that there's no point in trying to escape from your inevitable fate no matter what you do lol. sorry this was so long. hope I didn't weird you out.

anon you didn’t weird me out i relate to this so much ❤️❤️❤️ the gaslighting and the getting slutshamed for liking destiel and the multitude of other emotional damages wrought by thoughtless writing. God. Caring About Supernatural Syndrome (CASS) really should be in the DSM cause it fuckin SNIPED a whole generation.

my hope is that eventually the way it ended won’t hurt as much and we can look back and appreciate what we liked about it, but it’s going to take a while i think. in the meantime i’m trying to hold on to all the ways dean and cas DID manage to defy their fate despite the odds being stacked against them both in and out of the show. and because the show wouldn’t allow them to be together onscreen it fully fell apart on itself, because destiel was the fucking GLUE holding the entire story together. like they’re free now; they broke free of the narrative and the story’s universe collapsed behind them on their way out and that’s that on that. they were always too good for their own shitty network show and so are we

[fairycosmos]

I have my finale exam tomorrow and I'm 99,9% sure that I'll fail. I feel like such a failure right now. I could retake the school year but why I understand the school work then, if I don't understand it now. I'll probably stay unemployed forever, because I'm so anxious at job interviews and I literally don't know how to talk to people. Maybe it'd be the best if I didn't exist because nothing would change if wasn't here anyway. I wouldn't be missed and I know I will never be happy anyway.

hey dude, listen. it sounds a bit like you’re spiraling right now and i really think it’d do you some good to just take a step back and breathe. i hope the test went okay, and by okay i hope i mean you got through it, because that’s literally all you can ask of yourself. it’s natural to be nervous about such things and if you’re also struggling with mental illness on top of that, it’s easy to get lost in the heaviness of that anxiety. making big unfounded assumptions about your future, feeling a sense of doom, thinking in black and whites instead of recognizing the nuance and middle ground - all of those are red flags, not reliable thought processes that you need to build your life around. it’s okay to process negative emotions, to be upset and to feel overwhelmed and to want to give up at at times. we all need to break down a little when we’re overwhelmed so we can let some of that pent up tension out. but that should look like allowing yourself to cry, reaching out to those around you, getting some rest, and removing yourself from situations that exacerbate the pain when possible. not harming yourself in hopes of dulling those emotions, because that’s how you get stuck in a cycle of self destruction that is more suffocating than just confronting the pain and trying to let it go. look, you’re young and life is generally a lot longer than it seems when you’re in school, in the sense that we learn how resilient we are over and over again. we’re supposed to ‘mess up.’ things go ‘wrong ’and then we carve our paths out of that, and we adapt. whether we realize it or not. you’ve done it before, and you can do it again. if it turns out you have to retake the school year, then with the extra time and maybe additional support from your teachers, the school work may become a little clearer if you give it the chance and try out new learning techniques to find what works for you. that doesn’t make you a failure at all. you clearly care a lot about your future, and you’ve already made so much more progress than you realize. i know it doesn’t seem like it in this moment. but seriously, whatever happens, after the initial disappointment and frustration, you WILL be able to return to a sense of normality. the extent of how much it hurts right now is not permanent. there’s truly no set time schedule for education, no matter how much they want to convince us otherwise. you just have to do what you can with what you’ve been given. that’s more than good enough. you’re more than good enough. and about job interviews - try to slow down. there’s absolutely no evidence that you will be unemployed forever, in fact it’s very unlikely, and your worth/future happiness doesn’t rely on that factor anyway. honestly, i’ve been to a few job interviews by now and i’ve always thought the same thing about myself. especially when i was in school, i thought i knew, that there was no way i could handle it, no way anyone would take me on. and they are uncomfortable and nerve wracking, sure. but they’re also not the beginning and end of the world. nobody is expecting you to be the worlds best talker especially when you’re new to the whole thing. it’s about showing your enthusiasm and your skillset, and if you dont believe you have one, you do. you just cant see it because you dont like yourself right now. i’ve been rejected from jobs too, and yeah it’s a dig at the self esteem, but it’s not a personal failure. it’s just the nature of applying for a position that loads of other people are also applying for. you learn to accept it. but you don’t even have to carry that weight yet, love. so try to recognize what your brain is doing by bombarding you with worries that are entirely out of your control, and that there is no actual proof of. more than anything, it’s important to remember that school nor your career defines everything that you are. we’re taught from a young age that we only deserve to be here if we’re ‘useful’ by capitalist standards, if we can justify the space we take up. but it’s a fucking lieeeeee. raising us like that is the only way to get us to work work work without questioning it too much. it’s got nothing to do with you and everything to do with the world being a soul sucking machine. so, relax. you deserve to be here and you deserve to be gentle with yourself, nothing changes that. not tests or the future or your self hatred. i know it’s hard to believe that such concepts apply to you, but they do. nothing and nobody would be better off without you, i promise. when you’re in a dark place it’s only normal to believe that you’ll never be happy, but it’s really not the case in reality. happiness is an emotion that comes and goes like all else, and it is entirely possible for it to become a consistent theme in your life. that is, if you’re able to make it through this part. if you’re able to try to engage in healthier coping mechanisms so that you see your situation from multiple perspectives, rather than just from a one dimensional ‘things will never get better’ stand point. even if you just have to survive hour by hour, until you get there.

i’d really recommend considering talking to someone about what’s happening in your head right now, man. i know that’s not what you want to hear and part of you will want to immediately write it off, but try to pause and keep it in the back of your mind. whether it’s a teacher, a parent/family member, a school counselor, a mental health hotline, a friend, your doctor - there are so many people out there who have the tools to help you learn to manage. and it doesn’t matter if the process is slow or non linear, or if you have to force the words out. all that matters is that you try. whatever that means to you, even if some days it’s just staying in your room and breathing through it. you can recognize that not wanting to be here any more is an unhealthy thought, indicating that there is a lot more going on beneath the surface, yeah? it’s alright to talk about that and to let others in. our mental health is often just as fragile as our physical health and sometimes it needs medical intervention in order to be adequately supported, and that’s totally fine.  yeah, opening up is embarrassing and yeah it’s not something anyone ‘wants’ to do, but it’s often very necessary, because it’ll allows people to be able to relate with and guide you. please consider your own needs and know that there is no shame in speaking up. even if you have to take some time to find the courage. honestly, you don’t even need to go into great detail. a simple ‘i need help and i’m not sure what to do’ is a great place to start with someone you trust, or someone who is in a position to help you. anyway, i’m sorry this got super long. navigating school is fuckin difficult at the best of times, and i’m infinitely proud of you for making it to this point and for being able to articulate your feelings like this to me. i have no doubt that you will be able to get through this if you give yourself the time and the tools do so. and i dont say that lightly at all. try to ground yourself for now, and start again tomorrow. if you want to talk about this properly or if you ever need a friend, my dms/inbox will be open. take care. focus on one day at a time.

[peacexminusxxxone]

I stay quiet about most things and this will probably be the only time I actually post this, or post something like this. I don't like being the serious one, even during my depressive episodes I try my hardest to make everyone feel better, even when I don't feel so great.

The last day of 2016 and the beginning of 2017 was a fucking nightmare. It really was. The man I loved, but who didn't seem to love me, was losing his mind and all I could do was stand by and try my hardest to show him love and compassion, just like I always did. He treated me better than he ever did, so I handled it, but with that came other things. I had to share his attention, which seems to be a common theme in my love life or life in general, and it didn't matter how I felt about it, I just had to "be happy I was getting his attention at all." Be thankful, basically. Then his suicide attempt happened, and I kind of spiraled. Everyone thinks that's when I became free, but in reality, my own mental health took a nose dive from then on. I haven't been the same since, and I don't know how to be the same Jiyong I was back then. I think that Jiyong is dead, and I wholeheartedly believe he died the second I woke up and found my then husband barely breathing.

I became a daddy after that, and then my and Melissa's problems started. Truth be told, they started during our honeymoon, but all of that is between me and her, so no I won't go into specifics. I don't know what it's like having a happy marriage, I've never had one and I hate to say that.

My love life issues aside, I was being worked to death on top of everything else, and I felt like I was drowning. I was losing friends left and right to suicide, and I attempted it myself several times, because I couldn't handle life, and I still can't. I try every day to be a good father, a good friend, son, brother, boyfriend, husband, whatever I am to anyone, and sometimes I feel like I don't get the same respect. This isn't a dig at anyone, or something to get someone upset, this is just how it's felt the last several years.

Then Seungri's troubles started (tbh they never stopped..............) and I took all of that to heart. I loved him, I cared about him and I took care of him. And it all felt like it was my fault, that I didn't do enough or I let YG teach him shitty things. But at the end of the day, I need to remember he is a grown man who made his own choices in life. I just don't know how to get past all of this. I feel like I'm drowning every single day with no way back to the surface.

[fairycosmos]

(2) I would be thinking about how shit I feel and keep comparing my situation to their situation and it's just that I'm not being sincere what so ever to them?? I don't want to keep doing this because it makes me feel like I'm just shittier than I originally thought I am but I have no idea how to stop it or change how I think

hey my love. i’m really sorry to hear that, it sounds like you’re going through a super difficult time :( and i’m honestly proud of you for dealing with it so far, and for getting to this point. changing how you think is a very long and difficult process, it’s supposed to take a lot of time and personal growth and energy, so don’t try to rush it. the fact that you want to change, that you want to open up and be more honest, is a really good sign!! and you should always hold onto that. when you feel like you’re completely alone and like you’re drowning, the fact remains that you have people who are there for you and that counts for a lot. it seems to me like you’re trying to curate a certain image of yourself when you’re around your friends. there’s a lack of trust - you see sadness/loneliness as weakness, and you don’t want to them to view you in that light. but always try to remember that not everyone perceives negative emotions the way you do. they know that you’re a multidimensional person, they know you experience a wide range of feelings and thoughts, even if you always seem happy and strong around them. they’re not going to be surprised or upset that you struggle with things sometimes, because literally everyone does and i promise it’s nothing to be ashamed of. i get it, if you don’t believe me, because it’s hard to take words seriously when you’re feeling so low. but i hope you’re able to take some of what i say to heart. i also think that maybe you’re like, projecting. you expect yourself to be okay all of the time, and you think anything less than that is unacceptable, so you may hold the subconscious belief that your friends think that way, too.

in reality, divorced of what the unhealthy part of your mind is telling you, being vulnerable around people you care about will only strengthen the bond you have with them. there’s just no other way around it. allowing them to witness your pain is a fucking antidote dude, it’ll make you feel better even if you’re also a little embarrassed or ashamed. allowing them to interact with every single version of you is not a bad thing. if your friends are decent and good, they’re not going to change their whole opinion of you based on the fact that you get sad sometimes. like you said, if one of your friends called and said they were upset, you wouldn’t even dream of judging them for it. it works the same way for you. however, i want to stress that being hesitant to open up to people doesn’t make you a bad person, and it doesn’t mean you’re being maliciously dishonest. comparing your situation to theirs is an automatic defense mechanism that the depressed brain utilizes to make you feel even worse about yourself. look, you’re just scared. admitting to what’s going on in your head isn’t easy or straight forward or simple, so i dont blame you at all for feeling the way you do. try to be a little easy on yourself. you’re doing your best. you’re learning and moving forward and doing what you can, and that’s a wonderful place to start. 

i feel like from here on out, your best option would be to have some sort of game plan in mind. out of all of your friends, think about who you trust the most, or who you want to trust the most. and then consider what you would say to them if you were to tell them about your episodes of loneliness and isolation. you don’t have to bring it up or ask for help while it’s actually happening, you can discuss it even when you’re feeling okay. in fact that’s probably the better choice, cause then the next time it happens you’ll both be prepared. take baby steps, that’s the best way to spur gradual change. you can text them or talk to them about it in person, whatevers most comfortable for you. you’re not going to want to do it, and you’ll feel anxious and awkward and weird, but that’s alright. because you’ll also be doing the right thing, and you should prioritize that more than you prioritize your temporary emotions, you know? it’s just a conversation, it doesn’t have to be a big deal. you don’t even have to go into extreme detail or anything. just tell them what you told me, that sometimes you have these periods of time where your mental health kind of declines. let them know that you trust them enough to be honest. give them the opportunity to be there for you. then maybe you and your friend can work some sort of routine to make it all feel a little less heavy. if you know that your friend is aware of your mental state, then maybe you’ll be able to invite them to your place when you’re sad instead of cutting yourself off from the world. you guys can watch a movie or order takeout and tell each other what’s bothering you. then you wont get stuck in your head, and the depression wont spiral as much. it could be a really good thing for both of you, you know? and it all starts with just sending a message or letting them know that you need some support. i know it’s easier said than done, and i know it seems impossible at the minute. but tasks like that always seem impossible until you do them. then it feels like the easiest thing in the world. i believe in you with all of my heart and i really hope you’re able to teach yourself how to depend on others a little. i’m sure you will. it’s just a matter of time and gathering the courage. let me know if you want to talk properly or if you need a friend, i’ll be here.

(as a sidenote, i’m 1000% sure you’re already aware of this but i also hope you know that speaking to a professional about whats happening is also a very credible and productive option if you haven’t done so already. friends are wonderful but nothing can replace the support/advice of an medically trained person, you know? if this is being caused by some v deeply rooted issues and personal beliefs, then maybe it’d be better to reach out to someone like that in addition to talking to a friend. there are so many forms of treatment and guidance available, and there’s seriously no shame in setting up an appointment or calling a hotline to see what they think you should do next. please dont let your mind write the idea off without seriously thinking about it. your mental health is just as important as your physical health.)