#whatever i’m done this is so fucking longfff

[metallteeff]

i am going to be personal bewareeeeee

this one is going to be brief but i am so so so torn on seeking on autism diagnosis. i’m very sure i have it and im so sure because i think it’s level 2 (i think that’s the new system). but i really don’t want to have a record of that and being trans. because both will eventually be documented if i get a diagnosis. but it’s like ohhhhhh my god. there’s just certain things i actually can’t do but i have have a sheet of paper to wave around so people can listen to me and help me. but it’s hard to mask things like really obviously physical autistic atttributes if that makes sense. like my posture and how i stim is not very easy to mask its like fucking punching my fists and gnawing on shit.

this is also just me being like damn i feel a little left out in autism discussions sometimes because i feel like a lot of conversations revolve around the social obstacles with autism but i have so many social obstacles bc of the physical strangeness i have. idk. that’s not so much something im mad at but it’s like hard to be not autistic so then getting to talk about autism is nice but then it’s like god i’m even weird in autism groups pleaseeee

luckily i have like beautiful wonderful friends and mutuals and people are really nice to me at work but, speaking as if i were diagnosed w level 2 autism by this point, this type of autism literally also kind of ruined my life because i was just really “weird” or “strange”. like that’s the label i got for it as a kid by teachers and peers and my family. and that label has always meant “you don’t go here and you won’t ever go here”. and with the middle ground nature of level 2 autism it’s just kind of a perpetual state im in. i just always feel to wrong for a situation. it’s not at the same level it was when i was a kid but ohhh my god. it as a whole is so frustrating. i love being autistic and i love my special interests and they are so fun to engage with and i am so happy when people listen to me but it’s such an infuriating thing to deal with especially when you have regular meltdowns (and then have to make over them because you are expected to be ‘normal’ at this point). and like. punching head banging stim. and when you are physically can’t talk autism and not cute autism it just feels so hard to do anything ohhhh my god