#whatever gets done will be DONE bc its really a test of the skills ive been trying to learn this year with javascript it doesnt have to be

[sanchoyo]

OH another thing I want to do more next year is join more free zines/projects like that. like I've found the most enjoyment with those bc they feel lower pressure than the for-profit ones, which is very good for how nervous I get otherwise ajkdhsfkj. i love a small project

[night-dark-woods]

1, 6, 9 for hapax and fuller, 15 for vexo??

hiii echo sorry this took so long i had to think v hard abt the last one.

1) Does your OC have a voice claim, if so who?

oooh i have never actually thought abt that!!! so no not really, the extent of my knowledge abt their voices is that they both have deeper voices as they are both transfem.

6) If your OC is in a fantasy setting, what profession would they be in the modern day?

Fuller would be basically the same i think but with forcibly improved ethics standards. i think it would be funny to force her to be at a university, she'd be the world's fucking worst P.I. (thinking of my own thesis PI who gave me tasks WILDLY unsuitable for an undergrad student & also was once spotted eating a frozen pizza hunched over the kitchen sink in the middle of the night).

Hapax... honestly given that Hapax is just kind of floating in "canon" with no real drive (she's working for the Reef initially bc it's where she was rezzed, she's a killing machine bc that's what she was Made To Be as a guardian, and she's good at the work and takes pride in it but not driven), i don't think she's the type at all to have her career be her life in any way (healthier, i think). given her utter lack of people skills and general disinterest in a lot of what others care about, she very well might work nights as a janitor.

meet cute(?) where Hapax is trying to fucking clean and gets jumpscared by Fuller still in the lab building at some ungodly hour. i'd never put my girls in the real world though it would be so bad for them :( that house meme but it's like "no! ordinary society will kill the patients! they need life or death stakes and violence to live"

9) How does your OC handle their physical health? Do they take care of themselves?

Hapax takes care of herself decently well! she's got stuff to do and she can't do it if she's not maintaining herself, and she gets satisfaction out of things done well. she loves maintaining her gear (her guns especially) and doesn't regard herself much differently. she's not the type to take a lot of breaks, but she also won't work herself to the bone.

Fuller has never taken care of herself a day in her life. girl runs on whatever horrible fucked up energy drinks they make in the scifi future and like. full meal replacement bars. when she gets fixated on or excited about a new idea, she tends to work nonstop until she physically can't stay awake anymore.

honestly its kind of an interesting mirror where both view themselves as things they need to maintain to do what needs doing, but for Hapax that's a task worth doing in its own right and a neutral thing, but for Fuller having to take the time to do that is frustrating and trivial.

15) Will your OC ever retire? Do you see them making it?

i dont knowww i have to decide. i think so. or something like it. id like to see it make it. i only want characters to be miserable if its their own fault and none of this is its fault.

i think id like to see it fall to maya-as-the-conductor's call and join with the vex expecting that sense of belonging and become part of that expansive all-encompassing multifaceted Self that it remembers and then realize actually it wants to be itself, as fucked up and messy and lonely and hard as it is to be a human, or something very like one. i think that's when it will choose a name beyond its experimental designation (which i need to decide. probably R-[something] for Radiolaria Trial [number] Test Subject No. [number] or something?) bc that's when it will start thinking of itself as a person. ive been listening to a lot of music doing aisle resets at work and i think Human by of monsters and men is a good song for it.

[smireyac]

well well well wouldja lookie where we’re at now ⭐⭐

one more time around huh

lmao even got an hour till midnight again! its a talent at this point....

alright lets talk 2019

last year i said i wanted to make 2019 my year of DOING... bc 2016 was change, 2017 was getting used to and 2018 was getting too comfortable...

in all honesty, 2019 wasnt a bad year. in fact i have a lot to be proud of and celebrate! i think i accomplished a lot this year :^) as far as my goals that i made last year: 

-i wrote!! well not as much as i had APPARENTLY set for myself but a lot more than i thought i would!! so like my “goal” said 50k but like i almost immediately forgot about that and said my gaol was 10k [much more reasonable] which!! i did meet!! in fact i wrote 15,260 words of fun writing this year!! even if it was mostly brainstorming and i had said that didnt count... shut UP past me let me have this win!! i also said school work didnt count but if u *DO* count, i wrote an additional 13,165 words so :^p

-i went out!! not as much i woulda wanted but i went to 2 concerts and FINALLY (!!!!!!) got to see the book of mormon live on STAGE

-i made friends!!!!! ya kno i said 2019 should be the year of doing but really it was the year of friends, old and new... i hung out with joslyn at the fair b4 she moved branches... im a lot friendlier to the other peeps at the library.... and the peeps at the brig too!! even if im not there anymore

-oh yeah i quit working at the brig!! then came back for the summer lmao but i finally decided enough was enough 

-i got to see old friends!!!!! a lot of them!!! when i went back to miami for a week!! 

-wasn’t a goal i made for myself but i started playing dnd!!! and its been SOOO FUN!!!! 

as for the stuff i didn’t do, honestly im not even this surprised at this point but in 2020 we’re trying something different.. something new for the new decade 😎 were gonna be nicer... not just to other people, but to myself... shocking i know but like ive cursed and yelled at myself in every last one of these reflections and as you can see, its not super effective lmao

so lets get into the goals for the new year right? (i got like 7mins heh)

-we’re gonna keep “write” on here bc if u want to be a writer, u gotta write, right? lmao sooo how about we double the second goal? 20k words of fun writing for 2020!! you’ll beat that goal no problem, you were so close this year already!!

-i think saying “read more” was easy for me to ignore so if i make it a cool goal like “read 20 books in 2020″ then i might actually do it!! i was really gonna say 100 bc ve schwab does it but tbh its like last year when i said 50k words, its just not realistic so !! 20 seems reasonable bc i dont think ive ever even done *that* before....

-now.... drum roll please..... my most serious goal of 2020 is to.................. learn to drive!!! ta da!!!! i’ve been putting it off for whatever reason (i know the reason[s] but lets not get into it again) but i think i cant put it off anymore.... as much as i love public transportation (not sarcasm) and have no desire to know how to drive, i guess........ i can see why its a valuable skill or whatever............... so im gonna make an effort to learn this year.... like take the permit test and practice....... guhh... its the goal im least looking forward to but!! im gonna do it!!!

-now back to the kindness thing.... along with just being nicer to myself about the things i do, i also want to be nicer to myself about how i feel and how i look.... like i keep getting mad at myself for having feelings or not liking how i do something... i also want to be more ok about wearing clothes that fit tightly on my body... i want to be ok not hiding my fat and just exist in my body the way it already is.... while i was in miami, i wore a lot more revealing stuff and i just want to not think about how someone else might feel seeing my clothes cling to the softness of my body [i discovered your fat friend this year can you tell? lmao]

so yeah those are the main goals, honestly i have more but it doesn’t seem like the place for it and a lot of them are the same as every year anyway......

welp we’re 15mins into the new year and i want to rest so thats what im gonna do now :^)

thanks for listening

❤️

[we-will-all-be-stories]

weli have like three followers and like i dont actually expect anyone to see this i just want to rant and since i dont really have many friends i dont realy know who to tell. 

my mothers really pissing me off for reasons that honestly i shouldnt have to be dealing with. 

a few weeks ago my parents finally took me to a real psychiatrist, after 2 years of therapy and month in a mental hospital. it was set to be a three hour appointment for an official evaluation and diagnosis of my anxiety and depression and whatever the fuck else is wrong with me (which i dont understand since ive already been diagnosed by two prior therapists, the ER psych ward psychiatrist, and my psychiatrist at the mental hospital i was at, i dont see the need for anouther diagnosis of the same issues). okay, cool, whatever, obviously i’m panicking, not from the actual topic but just talking to someone in general (also my parents never leave the room b/c they think that i’ll just sit there and go non verbal, or as they believe, choose not to talk despite the fact that i have s.a.d. and was selectively mute growing up - i have non verbal episodes, it happens). well, essentially, i actually have no clue what happened in the room b/c after five minutes, the psychiatrist decided that i wasnt useful and i was too anxious to be productive and was sent out of the room. i sat in the waiting room for two hours continuosly calling and texting my mom to let me back on the room while i had a panic attack in the waiting room and slowly fell into a sensory overload from all the noises because the office is in a child pediatrics building and children are fucking loud. after two hours i’m left back into the room where the doctor tells me my diagnosis, my parents pay, and we leave.

i wasnt even present for my own evaluation. i get that he’s trained, but my parents no shit about how i feel, theres no way they can tell him. and furthermore, yeah, i’m anxious, but thats not the only thing i live with, yet its the only thing anyone will offer me help for. 

im used to being sent out of rooms. people dont have enough pacience and ust assume i can control this. i was sent out of the room during my 504 accomadation meeting at school too, you know, the “you’re child tried to kill themself, heres an extra day for classwork hope it helps” meeting. 

but heres the problem now. i have sensory issues to the point that putting on a pair of socks sends me into a panic b.c of the seams - a “bad touch” makes me break down crying - a flickering light burns my eyes - someone coughing feels like someone sceaming in my ear drums. and no matter what i tell my parentsm they dont understand how bad it is. 

apparently they mentioned it to the doctor, whose response was to get me an asd evaluation. okay, sure. its not like my old therapist hadnt been telling my mom to get my evaluated for asd and sesory proccessing dosorder, its not like my father works with psychiatrists who work with autistic kids everyday who has been telling my dad to get me evaluated. 

so finally my mom emailed my school counsler about the evaluation. she said that the school doesnt have the resources to do so. 

okay

i went to my moms office to print out my essay, and she had her email open to my section. (she organizes her email by topic, she has a group of emails under my name). im a bitch and decided to look at the emails. she emailed my school saying that she is “sure i dont have autsim” but that my doctor is making her ask about an evauation. 

the school wrote back saying that refuse to test me because that would require an iep rather than just a 504. the school psychiatrist essentially refuses to test students “simply for a diagnosis” and that my education and grades must be severely impacted by my issues. listen, no one gets a psych evaluation simply for a diagnosis. you literally cannot get the help you need w/out a diagnosis. mental health affects you in all aspects of your life, not just school. so many students cannot go to therapists or psychiatrists and rely on school resources. furthermore, my education is impacted by my issues - how can i get work done when the loud classroom make me want to scream? but the school and my parents dont know this, yet refuse to let me advocate for myself. 

no one wants to have a certain diagnosis, you need it to get help. my psychiatrist has said he is 99% i have asd, however he cannot give me a diagnosis, and my school refuses to test me because i’m “too good a student” and i’m slowly dying. 

also im not a good student. i have an e in math, a d in government, i failed engineering bc the class was so god damn loud and anxiety creating. my education is impaacted.

when it comes down to it, to be honest, so much of this has to do with the stigma regarding mental health in general, and especially regarding autism. people are so scared to have an autsitic kid - i’m 15 years old, if you can love me w/out the diagnosis, you can love me with it. i’m the same kid. My mother grew up with an autistic brother yet she still wouldnt want an autistic child. schools assume that an autistic student cant be functioning without special classes and a helper and a bunch of accomadations - some people need that, others don’t. it doesnt matter b/c everyone is entitled to the resources neccessary to thrive, and everyine should be treated fairly. 

im a kid who grew up non verbal, ive had social skills drilled into my head by therapists bc i apparently “didnt have them”. up until this year i had good grades, i flew under the radar and suffered, and when i finally reach out for help, everyone is refusing it because they think i’ve already gotten enough.