#whatever awful fake toxic way my shitty brain decided it wants or deserves and so then I convince myself no one wants me or ever will want
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Did I ever post that one draft from forever ago ? bc it’s hitting again.
#the you can’t expect me to have a crush and not be self destructive at the same time post like oooof i was so real for that#I don’t think it ever made it out of the drafts but like ooooooh so real.#me when I mostly seek out romantic interests in unhealthy obsessive ways when I’m spiraling downwards which usually pushes me into a worse#state and I almost use it (the push and pull of a flirty relationship) as a form of mental self harm like no one can get mad at me for#hurting myself if the hurt is coming from constantly putting myself in situations where I get far too attatched it’s not reciprocated in#whatever awful fake toxic way my shitty brain decided it wants or deserves and so then I convince myself no one wants me or ever will want#me just bc someone else likes me in a casual way and not in an obsessive violent devotion way like what the hell is wrong with me#and then I end up hurting myself and others bc I am either very very clingy or very distant bc I’m trying to protect them and myself from#having any relationship with me at all and then the isolation builds I spend more time inside watching / reading shitty fucked up things#until my insides become a black mass of rot and guilt and shame and fear#hahahahaha mental health is so fun#<- girl who hasn’t smoked weed in an hour voice#📋
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