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benditlikepress · 5 years ago

Text

no man is an island

what started out as a heartfelt attempt to write something coherent and meaningful turned into 9000 words of completely unedited mess because I cried a minimum of 17 times while writing it

would recommend reading on ao3 due to length, kudos and comments are always appreciated <3

@coffeedepablo @saraluvstiva @slouchingprovocatively @wanna-be-bold idk anyone else who might wanna read!!

Wednesday 8th June 2016. Cairo.

Ziva had her second panic attack at the terminal waiting for her flight.

It was the first one she actually recognised as a panic attack, though, rather than an impending sign of death or the psychotic break she had probably been dodging for years.

Perhaps it was the loneliness she felt. Perhaps it was the very real possibility Tony wouldn't show up. Perhaps it was memories of the last time she saw Tony in Africa, almost 10 years ago. Perhaps it was even thoughts of the other Tali; the one who would come with her to the opera house and stare up at the lights with such joy and freedom in her eyes. Ziva had her head in her hands as she tried to steady her breathing and a young woman had knelt in front of her to check if she was OK, but she was dismissed with a grateful but stern voice.

Ever since she woke up she hadn’t been able to shake the fear that this was the wrong thing to do. That no matter how many precautions she’d taken, she’d be putting Tony and Tali in danger just by seeing them. The thoughts followed her through her flight, on the bus journey, down streets and alleys, only getting louder. But this was the only way. Tony was going to have found her, one way or another. Best to be one step ahead.

Maybe she had only realised recently just how well she knew him, but there was no doubt in her mind he would come. Just as he thought he knew her all those years ago when he tracked her across the world to Beersheba. He would go there, she was sure of it. Even if he was furious with her, even if he hated her, he would still find out for himself whether she was alive or dead.

And so she used the one thing only they in this world shared, and she had written a letter and buried it in the box in the grove where they had placed her 'I Will' list, marked with a small white stone. If she knew him like she thought she did, he would find it. And he would find her.

She'd written more in the letter than simply a list of dates and locations from which he could pick a meeting place. She'd written three pages of things she thought she'd struggle to say out loud. Apologies probably took up two of them by themselves.

While she was sure he would go there, she didn't know if what he read would be enough to convince him to follow her wishes. She waited each day after Adam took Tali away, and on the 8th day she had got her answer.

"Cairo. We're OK." was all the message to her burn phone said. Ziva checked her diary - the date she had given Tony for Cairo was the upcoming Wednesday, in a hotel she had found online. She called immediately and booked a room under the name Sophie Ranier, and then she got a bus out of the city and dropped the phone in a garbage can on the side of a nondescript street, covering it with newspaper.

She had got into Cairo that morning via a flight that landed in Aswan, a long and distracted mixed-method route paid in cash seeming safer than a short direct flight. Adam arrived via Alexandria; Ziva had asked if he could get to the hotel and stay for the duration of Tony and Tali’s stay, just in case.

She had rented a family room, not really thinking, and it had 3 beds – a double, a single opposite it, and a second single which was tucked away awkwardly behind a partition wall. Ziva paced the room now wringing her hands, walking between the beds, until she couldn’t stand it any longer and pulled the desk chair across the room to the window.

She couldn’t quite see out of the window when sat on the chair so she sat on her knees, elevated a little, and looked out onto the street below.

Hours passed. She didn’t move an inch, aside from getting up for a glass of water after about 2 hours to calm her nerves. It reminded her in a strange way of a stakeout, a bygone activity from a job that seemed like a lifetime ago.

It was late afternoon when she spotted them. She saw them coming from a mile away; a magnetic pull of her eyes towards a man in light trousers and sunglasses carrying a small girl on his hip and a duffel bag over his other shoulder.

She watched them cross the street, and for a second it was like they were moving in slow-motion. This already felt like a bad idea, but seeing them come towards her it took every ounce of strength Ziva had not to open the window and scream at them to run, leave, get as far away from her as possible.

Reception were under instructions to ring her to check the identity of anyone who came to visit her, and even though Ziva had watched until they entered the building via the entrance below the window she somehow still jumped when the phone rang.

The receptionist told her that her husband was here. She didn’t correct him.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Ziva considered it a victory that she didn’t find herself close to another panic attack while she waited the painstaking few minutes for them to get up the stairs. When the door knocked loudly, she was already waiting beside it.

She opened it quickly and barely gave the two of them a glance before she grabbed her daughter’s face, kissing her and hugging her. Tony struggled to put her down on the ground as she did, and Ziva bent down to meet Tali halfway so she could look at her properly. She was wearing a flowery t-shirt Ziva didn’t recognise, and her cheeks were pink from the heat.

“I missed you so much, Tali.” She kissed her again and felt Tali grin into her cheek as she pulled back, her hands tugging playfully at Ziva’s hair.

“Can we come in?”

Tony’s voice shook a fraction as he spoke, and the sound was so familiar that it was almost muscle memory that made Ziva rise back to her feet to look at him. She didn’t really give herself a chance to, though, before she pulled him tightly towards her.

She had expected it to be a little awkward, and maybe it was, but it was apprehensive and nervous rather than disconnected or angry. Tony’s hand instinctively found the back of Ziva’s head and she squeezed his shoulder tightly, moving her head away from his chest look him in the eye. He looked older. More mature. Exhausted. His hair was longer, almost tucked behind his ears, and he had the tan of someone who had once again spent his summer crossing the world looking for her. She pressed the pad of her thumb to his lips, a promise of conversations that needed to come, and he nodded slightly as though he understood before she turned her attention back to Tali.

"Thank you so much for bringing her." Ziva spoke too quickly as she leaned down to gather her in her arms and brought her inside the room, cradling her to her chest in the same way she had done when she had last seen her. She whispered to her quietly, apologies and love and the girl looked at her curiously.

"It's ok, but.. hey," Tony raised his voice a fraction to tear Ziva's attention away from her mutterings. A concerned hand made it’s way to her jaw. "Are you OK?"

"I am fine. Thank you for bringing her." Ziva repeated. "You did not have to."

"Of course I had to. I needed to see you for myself. Plus.. she's your daughter, Ziva."

There was disbelief in Tony's voice as he spoke, as though he was still trying to get his head round the concept. Ziva caught his eye and there was a brief second of silence as though he’d said something shocking.

“My back is on fire,” Tony eventually launched into a too-casual conversation as he dumped his bag onto the floor and looked around the sparse room. "I accidentally left her stroller in the lobby of Mossad headquarters. Don't ask. I think it's going to get mailed to me with a severed torso inside."

"Why were you at Mossad?"

"Apparently some kind of bat signal is alarmed when I cross the Israeli border. Cute, huh?" Tali began tugging at Tony's sleeve for his attention. He brought a hand to her chin. "Ima will play, honey. Abba's back is hurting."

Tony had always been one for pet names, but hearing how naturally they spilled from his lips towards their daughter was something else entirely. Ziva realised she was still stood in the centre of the previously-silent room, watching the two of them drop items and talk at her like a hurricane had just hit.

She sat on the edge of the closest bed and Tali immediately put her hands and arms on her knees, clambering to get onto her. Ziva lowered her own arms to get a hold of her and pull her upwards, settling her down on her lap. She cupped her daughter’s face again, wondering if she really had grown up in the last few weeks or if it was just her imagination.

Tali grabbed for Ziva's necklace - a comforting motion she did often. Ziva's eyes were drawn to the gold around Tali's own neck. She looked up at Tony and he looked embarrassed for a brief second.

"You kept hold of this?"

"Did you think I would throw it away?"

Ziva wasn't sure what to say to that - the weight of the implications in the things that weren't being said. She turned the Star of David over in her fingers a couple of times.

"What's going on, Ziva?" Tony broke the silence first, and there was a sigh in his voice that could've made her smile if it was in a less ridiculous circumstance.

"Honestly, I am not quite sure yet. There is a woman who is after me. Really after me. She is not going to stop. I do not know how I know her or what I have done to her, but that is what I am trying to find out. She does not know about Tali - she does not know about any of this, which is why the best place for her to be is safe with you far away from me, and for everyone else to think I am dead."

Tony took her words in for a moment, exhaling loudly.

"Have you talked to Gibbs?"

"No, and you cannot call him. I do not want anyone else putting themselves in harm's way over this."

"Who knows you're alive?"

"Adam, a woman called Odette, and you. Nobody else. Adam and Odette are helping to keep me safe. I had to tell you because.. I knew you were going to come and find me. The safest way for that to happen was for me to arrange a day to meet with you. I could not bear the thought of the two of you not knowing the truth." Ziva played with the hem of Tali's shirt as she spoke. She was in her own world, talking to herself happily.

Tony eventually offered a "Thanks. For telling me." but it seemed ludicrous and his voice faded a little as he spoke. "I don’t like lying to them, but I won't tell anyone if you don't want me to."

"If I thought there was any other way, I would not ask you to. Is Gibbs looking for me?” Ziva’s voice was steady and perhaps even a little hopeful, in spite of the fact that it was simply another thing to worry about.

The sadness that briefly crossed Tony’s face was not how he expected him to react. “I don’t know. I haven’t spoken to him since I left, actually.”

“Do you think he will? I need to know what to expect. He could be in danger.”

“I think you’re ok, Ziva.” He said her name quietly, and the little furrow in his brow made her realise he was worried it would upset her. She took a breath.

“That is for the best.”

“I’m sure if he knew..”

“He doesn’t. So it does not matter.” Ziva shut down the conversation before they could get into it. He believed she was dead. That was that.

“Down, ima.” Tali’s voice recaptured Ziva’s attention, and she was straining from Ziva’s lap to get back onto the floor. Ziva dropped her down and Tali made a beeline for Tony’s duffel bag. She moved a few pieces of clothing around in there haphazardly until she emerged victorious with Kelev in her hand and sat down on the floor at Ziva’s feet.

“It is her birthday on Sunday.”

“I know. It was the first thing I checked, knew it would be coming up. Is that why you wanted to come to Cairo now? Like you did for your sister?”

Ziva nodded slightly, and maybe it should’ve surprised her more that he would remember something like that. It didn’t, though. She stopped being surprised by his thoughtfulness a long time ago.

“Have you brought her presents?”

“Not yet. Senior has bought the entire department store. I haven’t had the chance, I’ve barely had time to think.” He exhaled.

“How are you?” Ziva asked anxiously, not sure she actually wanted to know the answer.

“I don't know what the hell I'm doing." Tony eventually responded, and when he laughed sarcastically Ziva heard a wetness that made a lump form in her own throat. “I left her stroller at Mossad headquarters, who does that?”

"No parent knows what they are doing at first."

"Yeah, but most parents have a baby and another parent. I've suddenly got a toddler and I've never spent more than a few hours around a kid since I was one myself." Ziva stayed quiet as Tony continued talking, words spilling out as though he’d been holding onto them for weeks. "An hour will pass that will be fine and I'll feel like I'm getting the hang of it. Then a switch flips and she's crying and I'm crying and I'm calling Jimmy Palmer in the middle of the night DC-time asking him how you get kids to eat food."

She couldn’t help but fidget then, guilt and anxiety and self-loathing creating a mix that made her feel like she was about to throw up. Her eyes flitted around the room and she tried to block out the voices in her head, refocusing on Tony’s.

“Senior’s been great, though, if you’d believe that. I’ve decided not to be resentful about it.”

“Maybe it is his way of making up for his past mistakes. It is difficult to be vulnerable about something like that, maybe he wants to show that he is sorry.”

Ziva felt Tony’s eyes burning into her crown as she bent her head down towards Tali on the floor, talking in jumbled sentences about an adventure Kelev was on and hopping him along the carpet. She ran her fingers through Tali’s hair and bent her lips to the top of her head, kissing her and smelling her as though it had been years rather than weeks.

“Yeah.” Ziva still didn’t look at Tony, but his eyes tracked hers down to Tali. “I didn’t realise it was such a short flight. She didn’t sleep at all.”

“Did you come straight from Israel?”

“We stayed there for a little while. I’d bookmarked Cairo on your little itinerary.”

"You cannot stay here. You know that, yes?"

"I know."

She wasn’t sure if he could tell how close she was to falling to apart.

"You need to book the next flight home."

"Paris."

"Sorry?"

"Paris is home now. I've rented an apartment. Just.. so you know where we are."

“You really left for good?”

“It’s just a job.”

Hearing those words from Tony was like a slap in the face. He made it sound so simple. Didn’t seem to understand the impact they had as he pulled his phone from his pocket to look up flight tickets.

For as long as Ziva had known him, his job was everything to him. It was all he had going for him a lot of the time, though Tony was never one to have admitted he was lonely. The idea that he could drop his career like that, drop everything like that, for Tali? She'd been afraid he would do that when she was pregnant, and he'd resent her from pulling him away from what she thought was his home. That his job was his life's purpose. It was obvious now that she hadn't been thinking clearly. She knew him better than that.

His brow was furrowed as he typed on his phone.

"Next flight is 1:55am direct to Paris."

"That will have to do."

Tony nodded, his lips in a tight line as he began to type again. Ziva watched his expression, mostly unreadable, but when Tony's face was unreadable that meant something in itself.

"I'm so sorry for dragging you into this, Tony."

He looked up from his phone after a moment. "This is for mine and Tali's safety, right?"

"Yes."

"Then there's nothing to apologise for."

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Surface-level conversations and brief attempts to capture each other’s eyelines followed after Tony confirmed the flight for take-off in several hours’ time. Ziva tried to steady herself. Tony smiled as Tali presented toys to them.

"Ima.. knee." Tali suddenly tugged at the bottom of her leggings.

"Oh yeah," Tony fumbled in his pocket. "She, uh, fell over outside the airport. I stopped to buy some band-aids."

"She hates band-aids. She'll never wear them." Ziva said as she rolled up Tali's leggings. Her knee was grazed, little flecks of blood still present. "Oh no, Tali. Did you hurt yourself?" The girl nodded solemnly, looking down at her leg. “Get a wipe to clean it.” Ziva directed at Tony, but when she looked back at him he was already in his bag retrieving one.

Ziva wiped the cut slowly, making soothing noises as Tali fidgeted and whined.

"Let's see," Tony turned the band-aid in his hand. "Do you have a knife or anything on you?"

The knife she produced from the holster at her waist had jagged edges and a harsh end.

"I don't think that's gonna work."

"Adam is next door, shall I get him?”

"No, it's ok. You stay here, I'll go to the front desk."

Tony began to walk towards the door but a wave of anxiety hit Ziva and she stepped after him, grabbing his arm. He turned at the action, her grip tight on his shirt, and looked at her pleading expression.

"Call down and ask them to bring some up."

Tony looked at her for a long moment, and presumably he could sense the anxiety surrounding her because he didn’t make any effort to argue, dropping his arm as she released his shirt slowly and walking to the phone on the table by the bed. He picked it up and brought the receiver to his ear, before smiling.

"Uh, what's Arabic for scissors?" Tony asked sheepishly, and even though Ziva was sure the receptionist would speak English the smile on his face made her feel 50 pounds lighter. She took the phone from him and asked for a pair of scissors, and the receptionist told her they would be with her momentarily.

“Why do you need scissors?” Ziva asked as an afterthought, realising she hadn’t questioned whatever it was Tony was thinking of.

“Aha,” was his only reply, though he aimed it more at Tali than her and Ziva watched as he poked her on the end of her nose.

Tali climbed back onto Ziva’s lap as they waited, feeling sorry for herself. Ziva rocked her a little, remembering when she was a baby and she’d walk her around the house for hours holding her in her arms trying to get her to sleep.

Tony answered the door (though Ziva would rather have done so herself), and when he came back towards the bed with the scissors he picked up the band-aid and turned his back to them.

"Here, Tali. Look what I have."

Tony held something up in his hands, and Ziva strained her eyes to see what it was. He had used the scissors to carefully cut the band-aid into the shape of a heart. "I have a special sticker for you! Cool, huh? And when you put it on your knee it makes it all better, like magic." He took the paper sealant off the band-aid and lifted the outside to his lips, making a dramatic noise as he kissed it. He held it out in front of Ziva and she copied him in a slight daze, watching as he then placed the band-aid onto Tali’s knee.

Tali didn’t seem to have an adverse reaction but Ziva was fully distracted now, watching Tony’s animated face as he smiled at her daughter. At their daughter, who he hadn’t even known existed until a couple of weeks ago. She’d never seen the light shining in his eyes like it was now; natural and instinctive and innocent. Was it possible to love someone that much so quickly?

Tony’s head eventually lifted upwards to Ziva, and he looked at the watery expression in her eyes with a slight frown. “What?”

“You should stop giving yourself a hard time.”

Tony looked back down at Tali and at the precisely cut heart shape now stuck atop her knee. “It’s nothing.”

“It is not nothing, Tony. I have never once got her to keep a band-aid on.”

“Well, I could’ve taught you.” It was said easily but both of them felt the force as the words hit. “I didn’t mean it like that.” Tony immediately conceded, with a shake of the head.

“I know.” Ziva resisted the urge to allow shutters to come up, ignoring the voices in her head.

"Listen, can we talk? There's some stuff that needs to be said, but.." Tony looked apologetically at Tali, sat on Ziva's lap still admiring the 'special sticker' on her knee.

“She should sleep before you take her back on the plane.”

They managed to get Tali onto the bed behind the partition wall, figuring it might provide a slight noise barrier.

It didn’t take long for her to fall asleep in the end, the excitement and travelling of the day so far catching up with her. She lay curled on her side with Kelev towards her chest. Tony stood up first, watching as Ziva stroked her hair out of her face a few times.

“C’mon, don’t want her to wake up again.” Tony placed his hands lightly on the top of Ziva’s back between her shoulders as he spoke.

She stood up, trying not to feel anxiety rise again as they walked out of the alcove the bed was in and back into the main area of the room.

“If we talk quietly, we should be ok.”

“She’s a heavy sleeper. Not like her mom.”

The word hung between them. Ziva sat back down on the chair she had pulled up to the window earlier. After a second of hesitation, Tony perched himself on the edge of the double bed, facing her.

"So what's Adam's deal? Is he hired help now or what? Bodyguard?"

"No. He is just helping me out. I asked him to stay here today for you and Tali; to keep you safe."

"I called him, y'know. He told me he was in Brussels, hadn't spoke to you in years."

"I hope you understand why he said it now."

"I get it." Tony nodded, his voice quiet and sincere.

"I know that you and Adam have not exactly been best friends, but I understand he helped you a lot that summer." That summer. "And I hope that is enough for you to see that he can be trusted. I can count on one hand the amount of people on this earth I can say I truly trust, and the two of you make the cut."

"If you trust him, I trust him."

Conversation died down again. Tony sighed. Ziva looked around the room, casting a glance at what she could see of the hazy summer sky. He cleared his throat and she turned her head back like it was a cue, but he stayed silent. Their eyes locked and they exchanged a small smile.

"You grew your hair out." Ziva said eventually, and clearly it wasn't what Tony was expecting because it took him a second to reply.

"Yeah, I did." He tucked one of the strands behind his ear. Ziva could see how it was slightly unkempt at the sides - like he'd been doing that a lot recently.

Ziva had cut all of her own hair off a week before finding out she was pregnant. She had wondered at the time if it made her look different, or if Tony would laugh at her for thinking it would. For a brief second she had considered sending him a photo, but that idea died as quickly as it formed.

It had grown back now – another stark reminder of how long it had been since they’d been like this. Able to look each other in the eye, breathe the same air, say the things they really wanted to say.

"So, uh," Tony began, hesitant. "Funny thing happened to me recently. I found out we have daughter.”

"That is funny." Ziva dared to joke, though she knew it was on thin ice. It landed, though, and Tony actually tipped his head back and laughed as though Tali wasn't asleep a few steps away. "I think we could talk around it all night if we do not confront the issue."

"You're right."

"In the interests of disclosure, I have seen a little of you together. Photographs. When you took her to the park when she first went to you."

"Should've known I was being watched."

"She loves the park."

"That's what I figured. Kids love the park, right? I've taken her to a different one every day, pretty much."

"I am sure she loves that. She seems happy."

"I think she is, mostly. She has tantrums but so do all kids. She's started calling out for me during the night which is taking a little getting used to."

Ziva cast the comment aside immediately, refusing to acknowledge who she might have been calling out to before. "She recognised you?"

"Yeah. I wasn't sure if she was just along for the ride at first, but I found the picture from Paris and she pointed me out."

The six years that had passed since that trip were so storied it was hard to believe it had happened to the same people. Memories of Tony's hands round her waist and his breath in her ear fluttered through her mind.

"I told her about you. Everything I could. I wanted her to be able to recognise you and see herself in you from the first time you met. And when she got older I did not want her to have any reason to resent or blame you for not being in her life from the start."

"You always wanted us to meet?"

"Of course I did." Maybe Ziva's voice was a little disbelieving that he would think that, though why wouldn't he?

"Then.." Tony stopped himself. Since he had arrived it was clear he was fighting his kneejerk reactions to try and pose his thoughts in a more productive way. Ziva wished he wouldn't. Wished he would lash out at her, shout and scream like she deserved. “I’m just trying to understand.”

“Did you read the letter?”

“Yeah.”

“All of it?”

“Yeah, I did.” Tony paused like he was expecting another question, but Ziva was waiting for him to talk. “I..” He began, stopping again immediately. “I don’t know where to start.” Ziva nodded, and she felt guilty at the tears she could feel stinging in her eyes. She’d cried more in the past three weeks than she thought she had in her lifetime. “I wish I could somehow show you it from my perspective because that would be easier than me trying to explain what’s been going through my head the last few weeks. The last few years. It’s like everything I thought I was sure of has just been flipped upside down. Hey, I don’t want to upset you..” Tony seemed concerned now as Ziva wiped her eyes and shook her head. “I really just want to get my head around all of this.”

“I know. I am sorry. It is not fair of me to be upset about this.”

“Don’t apologise, feelings aren’t about fairness.” Tony dismissed her quickly, in that no-nonsense way he always did.

“I wish there was a way I could explain it that would make sense, but I do not think I can do that even to myself.”

“You said in your letter you were punishing yourself.”

“I think so. I think I took out my own.. self-pity, on Tali. I did not think I deserved you, and so when I found out I was pregnant I could not bring myself to call you. You had gone back to your life and I thought I would ruin that for you the way I thought I ruined everyone else’s. The longer time went on, the harder it became. I convinced myself you would hate me when you found out, more every day, and you would have been within your rights to be furious that I could keep your child from you. It was selfish of me to put myself above her. That is the best explanation I can give. I was scared, and I was wrong. Wrong about a lot of things.”

Tony nodded slowly. He ran his bottom teeth over his top lip.

“It is ok if it takes you some time. I realise dumping all of this on you does not exactly make it easy to process.”

“No.” Tony chuckled, running a hand through his hair. “I think it’ll take me some time, you’re right. I know you wrote that I should destroy the letter, but can I keep hold of it for a little while?” Ziva hesitated, and Tony watched her eyes dart to where he had tapped his pocket. “Just a couple of days so I can read it a few more times.”

“A few more days.”

Tony kicked his legs out so they were stretched out in front of him. If she wanted, Ziva could have touched them with her own.

“She looks just like you.” It was almost a comment to himself, Ziva thought, spoken down at his shoes on the carpet. He smiled.

“Maybe. Her personality is all you. Ever since she started to move around and talk, it is like there are two of you.”

Ziva’s smile was brighter than Tony’s, nostalgic, and he didn’t meet her eyes until she stopped talking. Common ground passed between them.

“I don’t want us to just sit here in silence while I try and process all of this. I’ll have time to do that when me and Tali go home.”

Ziva checked the time. Just after 7pm – still a couple of hours before they would need to leave. “What do you want to do?”

Tony’s expression changed then, to one of too-bright friendliness. He patted the space beside him on the edge of the bed. Ziva didn’t hesitate to stand up and sit next to him, holding her hands in her lap.

“How are you?”

Ziva actually scoffed at the question in spite of herself. If only he knew. “It is probably not the best time to ask me that question.”

“Right. Um..” Tony looked across the room with his eyes squinted for effect. “Y’know, I’m kinda drawing a blank here.”

“Difficult to know where to start.”

“Yeah, you can say that again.” Their eyes met and both of them smiled, even a little shyly. “3 years, huh?”

“I did not ever think we would go this long without talking.”

“Even when you left?”

“I suppose I was not thinking that far ahead. I am sure it will not surprise you that I was flying by the seat of my hands trying to start again.” Tony’s face broke into a bright smile and he shook his head, lifting a hand and running his fingers over his forehead. “What?”

“Nothing.” Tony cleared his throat as his face became neutral again. “Do you still think it was the right choice?”

Ziva pondered this for a moment, as though it hadn’t been her first thought every morning and her last one before she went to sleep for large periods of the last 3 years.

“I do not regret leaving NCIS. And I certainly do not regret the time we spent together in Israel. But I regret not calling you the second I found out I was pregnant. A lot of the time, I regret leaving you at all. I think I needed some time to find clarity on that. And I don’t say this with any kind of expectation that you might..” Ziva’s words fell away when Tony placed a finger on her nervously clenched fist. She closed her eyes for a second and took a deep breath. “I do not know if it would have changed any of the things that are happening now. Maybe I would have still ended up having to send you and Tali away, I do not know. That is probably not something to dwell on.”

“I’m sorry you had to do that. I know it must’ve been difficult.”

The words would’ve seemed simply polite coming from anyone else, but for Tony to say them considering the circumstances made Ziva’s chest constrict. “After I handed her over, I had a panic attack.” It still felt strange to say out loud, but she was making a concerted effort to be as upfront with Tony as she could afford to be. He deserved that much, at least. “I have never had one before. I thought I was dying.”

“You seem a little nervous today.”

“I am.” Ziva smiled self-deprecatingly. The finger that Tony had placed on her fist became three.

“Has it been like this since Tali came to me?”

“Not always. But a lot of the time, yes.”

“I think it’s natural to worry about her. Especially with everything else’s that’s going on.”

“I wasn’t worried about her being with you.”

“No?”

“No. I was worried about her getting to you safely. About you coming looking for me and putting yourself in harm’s way. What you would think of me. When I would get to see her again. But I wasn’t worried about her being with you.”

“Why not?”

“Because I know you.” Ziva’s voice was soft and knowing and she smiled looking down at his hand where he had placed it back between them. “I know how seriously you take duty, and I know that you are loyal and caring to a fault. I trusted you. I trust you. And maybe before I trusted you because I knew you would see it as your duty, but now,” Ziva smiled. “You cut a band-aid into a heart for her. That’s not duty. She is a part of you.” She placed her hand on his chest over his heart, and he looked down at it with the slightest of smiles.

"How do you know if you're doing a good job?”

"You are doing a good job. Look at her. I could not ask for anything more. And, Tony.." Ziva implored him to look her in the eye. She grabbed his hand between hers tightly. "You will not accept thanks for taking care of your daughter, but I want to say it anyway. From the bottom of my heart. I never had a doubt about you but seeing it is something else entirely. Watching how comfortable and content she is with you.. well, it is one less thing to worry about. It is a lifetime of gratitude I will owe you."

"You're right, I can't accept it. But I'm glad it's helping." Tony squeezed Ziva's hands a little. "So you've seen photos of us?"

"Yes. Sorry if that is uncomfortable, but they have been destroyed. They were just for me."

Tony nodded, mulling over the words. For a terrifying moment he seemed to get suddenly choked up. He cleared his throat.

"I think.. I mean, if it’s safe. If you wanted to watch us sometimes, you should do that."

"Really?"

"It’ll help me too. Knowing you might be there."

The words caught in Ziva's own throat now. She raised her hand to Tony's cheek and he lowered his head a little to deepen the contact. His face looked more vulnerable than she could remember it.

"Whatever you need."

"Ziva, you know what I need."

The timing wasn’t right, but the timing was never going to be right, so she kissed him then while she still had the chance. Barely a second's hesitation between his words hitting her and her leaning in to capture his lips, and in an instant he had a hold of the sides of her face as though this was what he'd been waiting for all along.

They were comforting, and loaded, and Ziva had never felt before how peaceful it could be to kiss someone. For a second, everything in her brain stood still.

All she'd thought about since laying eyes on him again was how it would feel to touch him, to kiss him, but she'd been so desperate to hear him get things off his chest and so unsure of what to expect that she hadn't allowed herself to dare presume it would happen.

She certainly hadn't allowed herself to think about Tony's hand making its way through her hair, the little noise that came from his throat as her tongue made its way into his mouth for the first time.

“I’ve missed you so much.” Tony whispered the words against her lips and Ziva’s chest tightened. “So much.” He repeated, thumbs stroking backwards along her jaw.

Ziva resisted the urge to climb into his lap, or to push him backwards onto the bed. Not when he had to leave soon. Not with their daughter sleeping a few feet away – the reminder almost made her laugh. Her hands were behind his neck and his skin was warm from the heat, comforting her as she nibbled at his lip.

It was Tony that pulled back first, but he sighed as he did. The longer this went on, the harder it was going to be for both of them. He kept a hold of Ziva’s face and pulled it down to kiss her slowly on the forehead before letting her go.

She touched her fingertips to her bottom lip when they pulled apart, feeling the ghostly pressure against her skin.

“We should..” Tony began, looking at Ziva for a cue.

"Let's sleep for a little while. You have a long night ahead."

Tony nodded, and kicked off his shoes without hesitation. He scratched the back of his head, surprisingly self-conscious. “So uh, what about you? Where are you going next?"

"Adam is leaving when you and Tali do, which means I should be able to lie low in Cairo in a different hotel for a couple of days. It is probably best if I do not tell you where I am thinking of going after that."

"Don't trust me not to follow you?"

"I do. I think it is just easier if you know as few details as possible. For all of our sakes. I do not want you thinking about it."

"You know that isn't going to stop me."

When she kissed him this time, it felt like a message. “I know.”

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Tony sighed as he got into bed, over the covers, and Ziva remembered his back. She watched his facial expression for a moment from her position at the foot of the bed, gauging what he was feeling. He smiled a little as she walked over to the other side and climbed next to him.

If she could do anything right now, she could be there for him, and maybe in turn that could repair some of the sharp raw pain in chest. She wasn’t the only one that was struggling, but she was the only one that could make either of them right. She curled herself around him, attached at every body-part possible.

“Is this all really happening?” Tony mumbled into Ziva’s hair as he placed her head on his shoulder. She chuckled lightly.

“Go to sleep.”

“Hey,” Ziva lifted her head again to look at Tony, and he kissed her slowly. Ziva’s eyes didn’t immediately open when she pulled back, but when she did she found Tony staring at her. “I’m really trying to not make this any more difficult than it’s already going to be. If I start, I’m never going to stop. I have to leave.”

“I know.” She gave him a peck before settling her head back down on his chest. “I know. Just go to sleep.”

Every conversation between them had been a little bit frantic – too much to say in too little a time, and without the ability to filter in any other way than to just stay quiet. It was quiet now, though. Ziva felt his breathing start to steady and she tried to match her own to it. The fan on the ceiling buzzed as it turned. On the other bed, Tali stirred and mumbled in her sleep.

Tony fell asleep eventually. Ziva lay with him for a while, watching his eyelashes flutter and his mouth move and she tried to memorise his face how it was now - take in every new line, every feature that had changed since she last saw him. She drifted in and out of sleep, finding herself powerless to do anything but watch him as though he would disappear if she kept her eyes closed for too long. She ran her hands slowly through his hair in the same way she had always done to Tali when she was sleeping, slowly separating strands between her fingers over and over.

Slowly, carefully, she removed herself from around him and climbed off the bed. When she got to Tali’s bed she sat on the floor alongside it and did the same: memorising her sleeping features, running light fingers over her eyelids and nose and mouth and cheeks, counting the faint freckles on her arms. Her gaze kept catching on the Star of David around her neck, thinking about what must have been going through Tony’s mind when he gave it to her.

Tali was still but it felt like time was moving too quickly, and Ziva resisted the urge to wake her up as she stood up again and got back into bed next to Tony. He hadn’t stirred.

She lay back down on her side, head resting on her hand with her arm bent up at the elbow.

It took a long time for him to register her presence, which was unlike him. She guessed he hadn’t got much sleep in the last couple of weeks. He opened one eye and blinked a couple of times as he saw her watching over him.

“What time is it?”

“9:30.”

“How long have you been awake?”

Ziva smiled a little. “I have not been to sleep.”

“You’ve just been watching me?”

“I watched Tali for a while too.” Ziva defended half-heartedly, her voice barely above a whisper. Tony chuckled while closing his eyes, stretching his arms. He settled down again looking up at her, his eyes tired but a little pleading.

“I don’t think I can leave again, Ziva.”

“You have to.”

“I know I do. I don’t think that I can.”

Ziva sighed slowly as she stroked his cheek, being careful to take notice of how his skin felt against her fingers.

"I realise I have done nothing for a long time to earn your trust, and if you don't believe it for your own sake, please believe me for Tali's. I could not be without her for a second longer than is necessary. When I am done, I will find you."

"If you need me, you call me. We'll figure it out."

"Tony, I am not going to do that. Tali needs you."

"If you NEED me," Tony stressed, "we'll figure it out."

Ziva knew she wouldn't call him but she nodded anyway, a shared pretence neither of them bought. She leaned down and kissed him, capturing his bottom lip between hers.

“Thank you for coming. I am hoping knowing you are both alright will make this easier.”

"We'll be waiting. Both of us."

"It could be years, Tony. It could be never."

"I know that."

"I could not ask you to.."

"You're not asking me to. I'm telling you what's already a foregone conclusion in my eyes. When you get back, when you get back," he repeated, emphasis on the word, "I will still be here. We can have a... well, we probably passed second chance about 10 years ago. Whatever number chance we're on. And we can get a first chance at being a proper family, the three of us."

“I have never really been a part of one before.”

“Neither have I. We could get a dog or something.”

Ziva laughed though the sound was wet with tears, kissing him again hard and quick. His eyes were shining when she lifted her head away, an easy but thoughtful smile on his face.

“I love you.” Somehow the words were the simplest thing in the world to say at that moment, after years and years of not even being able to say them to herself.

“I love you too.”

“Sorry I could not tell you before. Sorry about everything.”

“Shh,” Tony quietened her, tucking her hair behind her ear and encouraging her to place her head back down on the crook under his arm.

They lay there for a while longer, swapping stories about Tali as Tony drew soft patterns on Ziva’s back. He had acquired a remarkable amount in such a short period of time, though Ziva’s favourite was probably the one where Tony had forgotten to strap Tali into her stroller and she had waited until he turned to shut the door to the building, hopped out of her seat, and gone running off down the road laughing at the top of her voice. The thought of the danger should have scared Ziva, but it didn’t. She was with Tony. He’d protect her.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Both of them got quietly fidgety as they watched time pass, knowing they would have to get up.

“We need to get to the airport.” Tony was the first one to break, kissing Ziva’s temple slowly.

“I wish you didn’t have to.”

“Please don’t say that. Not now.”

“Ok. Ok.” Ziva repeated the word as though to reassure herself, and as she sat up Tony’s arm stayed attached to her back. She could see Tali still fast asleep from this vantage point, and climbed down the bed towards hers.

She woke her up with whispers, and Tali wiped her eyes and looked a little dazed.

“Home?”

“Abba is taking you on a plane to go and see your new bedroom.”

“Pop?”

“Yeah, Pop’s going to be there. He’s really excited to show it to you.” Tony appeared over Ziva’s shoulder, stepping into his deck shoes.

The two of them made their way around the room quietly, packing up the things Tali had somehow scattered the room with in just a couple of hours. Ziva took her to the bathroom and caught a sight of her own reflection in the backlit mirror – the bags under her eyes, her unkempt hair. When she ran the tap to get Tali to wash her hands she splashed some of the water onto her face, rubbing it dry with her palms.

They re-entered the main room and Tony was stood near the door, hand over his eyes and head pointed down at the ground. He recovered quickly enough to plaster a smile on his face as Tali ran towards him so he could put on her shoes.

Ziva listened to them talking as she turned her back, taking a few deep breaths. When she felt like she could, she went into the plastic bag she’d left by the foot of the bed and retrieved a stuffed camel. Cheesy, but a reminder.

She placed the toy behind her back as she approached them, waiting until Tali looked up at her before revealing it and holding it out. “Happy birthday, Tali.”

Tali took the camel, delighted, and clutched it to her chest. “Thank you.” She eventually squeezed out.

“You’re welcome, my love. Make sure abba buys you everything you want, yes?”

Tali looked up at Tony, who rolled his eyes with a smile. He took a careful step back when Ziva bent down in front of Tali, holding her small hands with one of hers and running her other over Tali’s hair and cheek.

She knew more big, dramatic goodbyes would only confuse or upset her. She didn’t allow herself to cry, instead smiling as she picked up Kelev from the floor and made sure she had him and her new camel toy in either of her hands.

"Ima has to go away again Tali, OK? And I don't know how long for. But abba told me he's really excited for you two to have fun together. So you and me have to say goodbye now."

Tali leaned forward in expectation of a hug, and Ziva wrapped her arms around her so tightly she thought she might break. She whispered “I love you” into her hair in English and Hebrew, pulling away to kiss her twice and standing up again before it got any harder.

Looking Tony in the eye was harder than she expected. His head was tipped a little and he was giving her half a smile that was betrayed by the water in his eyes.

“I’ll see you soon. Ok? Soon.”

Ziva nodded fiercely, pressing their foreheads together as though she were willing it to be true. Tony raised his hands to hold her face, kissing her slowly and purposefully. Ziva breathed him in, and when he pulled away she followed him, capturing his lips twice, three times, in quick succession.

“See you soon.” She repeated, defiant. She stepped away from him before she couldn’t.

"Walk or carry, Tali?" Tony held his arms open to demonstrate his point and Tali immediately lifted her own so Tony would lift her, settling her on his hip. Ziva noticed the way he grimaced a little as he straightened his back. She picked up his bag from the floor and placed it over his other shoulder, stroking the strap until it lay flat on his shirt.

“Make sure she doesn’t drop Kelev. And remember her stroller next time.”

“I will if I ever want to walk again. Ok, give ima a kiss.” Tony tipped Tali a little towards Ziva, and Ziva grabbed Tali’s head and kissed her on the lips before adding ones on her forehead and cheek for good measure. She lifted her hands to Tony’s cheeks and kissed him again too, rubbing her thumb towards his chin.

“I love you both. Be safe.”

“We love you too. Take care of yourself. Remember, you call me if you need to.”

Ziva nodded again as Tony opened the door and stepped out into the hallway, her hands running over Tali’s arm on his shoulder and along his back until they were both out of reach. Tony knocked Adam’s door twice as they walked past – his own signal to pack up and leave.

She stood watching them as they approached the elevator, and though they were still within talking distance Tony got Tali to wave goodbye. Ziva tried to smile, taking a mental image of the two of them as they got onto the elevator.

As soon as the doors closed she went back into the silent hotel room, taking back her old position sat on her knees by the window. It took them a couple of minutes to appear. Tony’s head flicked up in the general direction of the room, and she watched as he tried to calculate the right window. She held up her palm to the glass and he caught sight of her then, smiling and raising his free hand before looking away and pressing a slow kiss to Tali’s cheek.

She watched them disappear back down the street, lit in the darkness by streetlamps and headlights, and only when they began to blur out of view did she allow the tears to fall.

#ncis #tiva #ziva david #tony dinozzo #tivali #tiva fanfiction #tali #my fanfiction #mine #what's truly mad is how many tags i use that basically mean the same thing #anyway if i didnt post this today it was never going to be posted #if you get to the end i salute you it probably reads really weirdly #the overriding message behind it is i love tony and ziva and i shouldnt write things while crying at 4am

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bonesbuckleup · 2 years ago

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So I’m new to reading comics. I’m not someone who grew up with access to them, and no one in my immediate or extended family really were into them, and, to the best of my knowledge, most of my friends were in a similar boat. Basically, I’m an adult, and I’m new to comics, and I’m really enjoying exploring them.

I’m bringing this up because I found my way into DC comics via tumblr, which is arguably still the most centralized hub of fandom life, which means I entered through the recent issues. Because I’m me, I also immediately started making shitposts. Inevitably these shitposts have broken out of my dumb curated little enclosure to interact with bits of the fandom I’m generally unfamiliar with. Namely, gatekeepers.

Throwing this under a cut so it’s easily bypassable 👍

It has happened with literally all of my Batman posts that break ~500 notes. People show up in the tags to rant about how sick they are of people on tumblr getting characters wrong, or not understanding canon, or getting mad because of something getting ignored that happened in canon 20+ years ago. They start off by attacking immediately, and getting angry, and ranting about how new fans are so awful/annoying/stupid/etc.

I’ve been in fandom spaces for Far Too Long, so I’m used to dealing with input like this. But if 14/15/16 year old me was met with the kind of vitriol that shows up in my notifications sometimes? She would’ve disengaged with the material entirely and never interacted with the fandom again. She would’ve actively told people to stay out of those spaces because of how mean and unwelcoming many of the people were to her.

Listen: I do get it. It’s frustrating when someone misunderstands a thing you love. I really truly do understand. At the same time, though, we’re talking about characters who have been appearing for 20, 30, 50, 80 years. Characters who have had hard resets and retcons done 3+ times. Characters who have been written by tens or hundreds of different writers and drawn by just as wide a range of artists. It is next to impossible to pick one version of any of them that is The Definitive Version.

And to use myself as an example? Like I said, I’ve been reading these comics since March-ish. I work full time. I hang out with friends. I am querying an original book. I’m reading other books. I need to cook and clean and grocery shop and take walks and get writing done. Most weeks, I spend 1-2 hours reading comics, if that. I had to start somewhere, so I went with some Tim-centric runs (Lonely Place of Dying, the Contagion arc, Battle for the Cowl, Red Robin and related issues, and am now right around where Steph has the baby in his Robin run) and am now wading into Nightwing (1996). So the versions of the characters in my head are related to these moments in time, the early/mid nineties and 2009/2010ish eras. Those versions of the characters may also directly contradict your version, and that’s okay!

What’s not okay is how people immediately see a post and assume the worst instead of taking the opportunity to introduce a new fan to your version of these comics. Taking 2 seconds to be kind is the same amount of time it takes to rip someone’s head off. Like, instead of “jfc, I can’t believe this is framed as a joke when it’s canon, I’m so sick of this, try opening a comic,” try, “Hey guys! This is actually in canon! If you like this concept, check out these runs/issues for how it plays out.”

You all have a really great opportunity to expand your fandom in a dynamic and interesting way. It just makes me sad and a little frustrated to see people moaning about how comics aren’t appreciated enough, and then actively chasing away people who are new to them. No one is going to be able to absorb nearly a century’s worth of content overnight, and expecting them to stay out of fandom spaces until they have a sufficient knowledge base (whatever that means to you) literally defeats the point of fandom.

EDIT: also, just a quick note, for every interaction I’ve had with a gatekeeper in some way, I’ve had 3 interactions with wonderful and helpful people who have directed me to runs/issues that I may enjoy. This is definitely not an “all fans” complaint. There are just some very loud voices that sure are yelling a lot.

Anyway.

Those are my Monday thoughts.

Do with them what you will.

#oversharing etc etc #will probably delete later #🙃

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dreaminginvelaris · 3 years ago

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A Response to a Feyre Anti

I made a post recently explaining the dread of having to watch Feyre be abused by her sisters and father, in the Tv adaption. And a Feyre anti made a response, to something that should not be criticized at all considering what I said was just the truth? Feyre was abused. Not only that but they went on and completely twisted the narrative to fit their own ideas and in the process made Feyre out to be cruel and Nesta a saint. complete bull.

I will not be tagging the anti bc they have me blocked (shocker), but also I do not want anyone to go after them, if you come across the post, I don't want it to be through me. it's as much respect I can give to them.

I usually do not respond to those who have something to say with a post of mine or are blatantly talking about me on their blog, unless they're just spreading absolute lies about me or what i "said", it's usually a waste of time to do so. but this post attacked Feyre with outrageous lies and a complete backward interpretation of what actually happened in acotar, so as respectful as I can be, I will be analyzing the anti-response and what truly happened in acotar.

"the audience will only see two sisters fighting-not abuse" "it’s not Nesta you need to worry about. It’s audiences calling Feyre a big dumbass and a bitch" -from anti

if the audience has basic human compassion and empathy for humans IRL or fictional, they will see what's obvious from the start. Feyres abuse. how is it going to look, when they see Feyre walking through the woods, shaking from the cold, starving from hunger, and struggling to find food for her family? only to later see Nesta's treatment of Feyre?"

in the anti's post, they said Feyre was just as "heinous" to Nesta.

is Feyre the one calling Nesta a pig? a smelly pig? ordering her to take her clothes off?

no, it's not, it's dear Nesta. the text goes as "I took my time, swallowing the words I wanted to bark at her" oh yes... how cruel of Feyre. how heinous of Feyre to...stay quiet... at the verbal abuse.

in the same image we see Feyre ask Nesta to do something (kindly might I add) and then inquire why she didn't chop wood like she needs to.

what does Nesta do? acts like a brat and insults Feyre...once again.

considering I'm going off by the story and not the actual screenplay, and assuming they stay true to the story; will the audience not be disgusted by Nesta's behavior? I mean they just saw Feyre struggle to find food and they expect Feyre to go home to a family happy and appreciative of Feyre but instead, they get this familial abuse.

the anti said Feyre basically tells Nesta this:

"If you keep bitching at everyone like this no one will want to be around you or you can’t marry this guy because you’re a waste of space to me"

but what do we see?

"Believe me... the day you want to marry someone worthy, I'll march up to his house and hand you over. But you're not going to marry Tomas."

the word worthy, did that not catch your eye? Feyre said Nesta will have to marry someone worthy, someone, who will treat Nesta kindly and give her the life Feyre thinks her sisters deserve. bc Feyre does think that IDK why anti feyres think Feyre despised Nesta so much, Feyre loved her sisters.

what the anti fails to realize here is that Nesta marrying Tomas would have been actually pretty great for Feyre. in the sense that, Feyre would no longer carry the burden of her sister. Feyre would not have to worry about feeding one more mouth. or worrying about Nesta's constant stealing of Feyre's money. Feyre does not think Nesta is a "waste of space" to her, if she did, it would have been easy for Feyre to discard Nesta, and allow her to marry Tomas. the anti has that twisted.

but that is not even the worst part of the scene. did you see the shameless slut-shaming that came out of Nesta's mouth? how will the audience take to that? do you think most of the younger generation will take it lightly to see a sister slut-shame a sister? a woman putting down another woman? in this social climate? where the feminism movement is alive and flourishing. will they be okay with it? will they still blame Feyre and be mad at her the way the anti says they will be? I hope not otherwise I'm losing faith in humanity.

Lovely words Nesta spews at Feyre. I admit Feyre should have told her then and there that Tomas is abusive. but let's think: Feyre is 19 years old, the youngest, has never had any raising by a parental figure, has been neglected by her whole family, where would Feyre learn to calmly talk to an overgrown brat like Nesta? Feyre telling Nesta who Tomas truly is the duty of a parent, not a sister. I will not condemn Feyre for not knowing that was the perfect time to tell Nesta who Tomas is. especially when Feyre is being tormented and verbally/emotionally abused, its kinda hard to think about something else while you're being told all these horrible words. to us its easy to see where Feyre went wrong but unless you're in the exact position Feyre was in. no one has any room to talk. and even then, every person is different in situations like these.

this part was me analyzing the interactions between Feyre and Nesta since anti had reasons to believe Feyre was just as bad to Nesta and that the audience would see that and hate Feyre. I am now going to respond to the second part of the Feyre Anti's response.

"How will an audience of non-fans react to her not reaching out to her family to tell them she was okay after the reconciliation between her and Nesta? Or not inviting them to the wedding?"- from anti

moving onto acomaf now.

Idk maybe the audience will see Feyre, a depressed, lonely, individual in an abusive relationship while being manipulated by other individuals she called friends, and understand and empathize with her. all throughout the beginning and half of acomaf, Feyre is in critical depression. she wholeheartedly believes she should not be alive. that she is not worthy. she doesn't eat, all she does is sleep, self-care is not important to her or others so why would letting a family know she's okay, a family who BARELY ever cared about her, be a priority? it doesn't seem like Nesta or elain or her father was really fazed by Feyre's lack of communication. her father left on a trip, elain got engaged and Nesta, well we didn't see a tearful welcoming to Feyre on Nesta's part did we?

anti, where is the outcry of her "family" not even really caring if Feyre was safe or not, of what happened to her? it's not like they thought she had died, otherwise, where was the mourning or funeral? no, they just didn't care.

see this is where I know when anti is just full of bullshit. why, WHY, would Feyre invite her family to wedding full of fae? the creatures elain and Nesta fear and hate? for all the talk many anti's spew about Feyre being inconsiderate to Nesta, to her family, you would think Feyre maybe just knows a fae wedding would be the last thing they would want? even then, does Feyre owe them an invitation to her wedding? does she owe them an update on her life? nope. Feyre owed them nothing.

"How about her shit-talking Nesta to a bunch of strangers then having the audacity to ask her to get involved in a war. Oh! This is after she comes into her house and insults their hospitality." - from anti

I hardly think Feyre confiding in individuals who she learned to care about and laying out all the trauma Feyre endured with her family is "shit-talking" but for argument's sake, let's say it is. I still don't see what's wrong? after years of pent-up anger and hurt, would you not let go of everything you withheld inside and explain what was done to you? how you felt? Feyre telling the IC her life story, which contains Nesta's abuse and her family's neglect, was a form of therapy for Feyre. I never read a line where Feyre calls Nesta a "cold-hearted bitch" or called elain "a lazy ditz" she just said the truth. no added embellishments. Cassian was the one who shit-talked Nesta during the dinner scene, never Feyre.

I still don't understand why antis are so against Feyre asking her sisters for help? like the war didn't involve them? they're humans, and you know what the war was about? Hybern wanting to take control of the human lands like they once did and turn them into slaves. those humans included Nesta and elain.

"They could have left the continent" correct, except elain was engaged and refused to leave Grayson. which meant Nesta refused to leave elain. but even so, isn't it the duty of humans to band together and work to overthrow a race of people who want to torture and keep them as slaves? the queens certainly weren't doing their jobs. Feyre asked to use "their" house to meet the queens bc where else would they do it? the queens trust the fae less than Nesta or elain did. but even so, Feyre asking to use their house was a courtesy, that house is rightfully Feyre's. she is the one who sacrificed herself to leave with Tamlin. she did it bravely, courageously, and they got that house thanks to her. they owed Feyre everything. and the only one who acknowledged that was Elain.

that war involved elain and Nesta whether they or Feyre or the anti's liked it or not. not even considering that Nesta and elain are Feyre Archerons sisters, yeah, their family name alone puts a target on their back.

How did Feyre or the court insult Elain's and Nesta's hospitality? You mean when Feyre realized human food differed from fae food? something she did not know about bc she's barely been turned to fae and only had eaten fae dishes? Feyre's grimace towards the human food was an involuntary reaction to someone who is still learning their new body. or was it when Cassian called out Nesta for her cold treatment towards Feyre? if that's the case then fuck decency, I would call out a fake bitch in my presence from minute one. you cant call what Nesta did "hospitality" when all she did was insult Feyre when she didn't even care that Feyre had died, or lost her love bc of abuse, or that her body was changed against her will.

hospitality: the friendly and generous reception and entertainment of guests, visitors, or strangers.

did y'all read something different bc this for sure was nothing Nesta gave to her guests?

----

the rest of the anti post moves towards Rhysand and his actions UTM which I won't go into because I'm mainly just addressing the false interpretations this anti had to say about Feyre and her family.

I'm not sure how to sign off now lol, but I guess just that I hope this was enough to show how this anti's arguments were completely ludicrous and have absolutely no compassion for Feyre, and instead all the compassion for Feyre's abusers. This anti had a real spin on what the actual story was, and I hope the evidence I provided was enough to show that. Anyways yeah my brain is fried, and I'm done arguing with Feyre anti's for a while now, I need to go praise my queen Feyre so I can receive some semblance of peace.

anyways, stan Feyre for clear skin xx

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kikyan · 3 years ago

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Izaya Ending

His ending is here along with the smut! MDI after the cut! ALSO I RLLY HAD TO HAVE A FRIEND HELP ME WITH THE SMUT CUZ I WAS SO EMBARRASED TO WRITE IT ALL OMFG-

TW: Dub-con! Degration! Name calling! Oral Sex (both giving and receiving)! Collar! Choking! Vaginal Sex/Penetration! Think that’s it if not lmk!

ALSO I RLLY USED THE MOST WATTPAD BASIC ASS LANGUAGE FOR THIS SMUT THIS IS HOW YOU KNOW THIS SHIT WAS WRITTEN YEARS AGO

PART ONE

“Oh? It seems he even has the Dollars searching for you!”

“ Izaya, please I apologize for anything that I did that caused you to do this, but I need to get back to Shizuo!”

“ And do what? Apologize for my actions and say everything is fine? You truly are different than other humans (Y/N)! Besides, does Shizu-chan know?”

“ K-know what?”

“You can drop the act. I know who you are (Y/N) or should I sa-?!”

“ Izaya, I won’t ask you again. Please, I apologize for what I said or did but I must return to my fiance.”

“ I can’t do that (Y/N). You thought you had me fool, no you thought you had the whole world fooled, but unlike Shizu-chan, I know the real you. You are far too unique, too precious to be in the hands of that brute, that damned monster!”

“ IZAYAAAAAA! GET YOUR ASS OUT HERE AND GIVE ME MY DAMN FIANCE!”

“ Speak of the Devil, he really did arrive, didn’t he? (Y/N) it’s better if you stay, wait no- I want you to see God punish his worthless creation, than have his Goddess forgive him and the cycle continues!”

Grabbing her arm, (Y/N) was dragged to the door where Shizuo lay in waiting/ Shizuo’s eyes lit up with hope as (Y/N) arrived, quickly scanning her to ensure that she was not harmed by Izaya.

“ This is low, even for you Izaya. What the hell do you want anyway?”

“ I want (Y/N) of course! How rude of you to keep her from society, from me! She is too perfect, in fact, she is perfection! I can’t stand you of all people, a damn monster near her!”

“ If I am a monster, what the hell does that make you?”

“ That hurt Shizu-chan, but I’m sure my goddess, (Y/N) would forgive you nonetheless!”

Grabbing a stop sign Shizuo prepared to swing at Izaya before seeing (Y/N) duck down.

‘This is too dangerous for (Y/N)! I have to lead him away. . .’

“ You see (Y/N)! This monster swung at you! I told you, he would only hurt you! Stay with me, my Goddess!”

Taking his knife out, he swung it at Shizuo cutting him horizontally across his chest. As Shizuo remained unfazed he swung the sign hitting Izaya as well sending him flying back inside the apartment complex. As Izaya got up and grabbed the knife and (Y/N), before placing the knife under (Y/N)’s throat causing her to panic slightly.

“ (Y/N)! Izaya you damned bastard! Let her go, that’s low. . .”

“ It’s fine! Besides, my Goddess is so forgiving, I'm sure she will let this slide! In fact, I feel as if instead of the way I initially thought, it was you Shizuo who used (Y/N)!”

Catching him off guard Shizuo looked down from (Y/N) with a hurtful expression as he pondered if he did truly use her as Izaya said.

“ Kid. . . ding. . .!”

With that Izaya took this time to spin (Y/N) from his hold and bolted to Shizuo, knife ready and a gun to end this beast’s life. As Shizuo looked up he failed to notice the blade approaching fast, approaching close to his eye until it did, leading to Izaya stabbing Shizuo in the eye causing him to crouch down in pain and hold his eye that was bleeding profusely. Izaya held the gun on his forehead before looking down with insanity filled eyes and a smile to top off the look.

“ Shizuo, let’s ask (Y/N) if she forgives you for using her?”

Turning to the side he was met with (Y/N) sobbing as she looked at him straight in the eyes before blurting out, “ Izaya, please! Leave Shizuo alone! He did nothing wrong! I’ll do whatever you want me to do just please leave him b-!?”

“ Oh but (Y/N), you already are. He did nothing wrong? That sounds like forgiveness! Now Shizuo, any last words?”

Turning slightly noticing he lost the battle and that Izaya won, he mumbled a small “ I love you (Y/N), forgive me�� before having his life taken away as well as his fiance.

“ SHIZUO!”

(Y/N) ran to catch his body as she sobbed louder before clutching his arm, the one that held his engagement ring. Looking at his corpse (Y/N) continued saying “I FORGIVE YOU I’M SORRY PLEASE, PLEASE COME BACK!”

“ Heh. . . hehe, ha, haha, HAHAHAAHAHAHA! THIS IS SPLENDID! THIS IS GREAT! THAT DAMNED MONSTER IS GONE! MY GODDESS IS MINE AND MINE ONLY NOW! HEY (Y/N), YOU FORGIVE ME, RIGHT? I MEAN, ON THE BRIGHT SIDE NOW THERE ISN’T A SHIZUO TO EDGE ON, RIGHT?”

“ . . . I-I-I-I-I. . . I f-forgive y-you. . . I forgive you Izaya. . .”

“ SEE I KNEW IT! ISN’T MY GODDESS WONDERFUL? NO MATTER THE CRIME SHE WILL ALWAYS FORGIVE! OH (Y/N) YOU TRULY ARE SPECIAL AND ONE OF A KIND!”

Crouching down to hug (Y/N) from behind, Izaya smiled before speaking.

“ Indeed (Y/N), you truly are special! Who would have guessed in a million years that I would meet the one who changed me! The one who became my goddess, the one who made me see humanity in a new light!”

“ I-I-Izaya. . . why me. . .?

“ Why you ask? Simple, it’s because . . . yOu’Re My FaVoRiTe HuMaN~”

Standing on the rooftop Izaya was speaking with a female in pigtails as he began to tell her that she wasn’t really planning on killing herself and that she had one or two secrets that she didn’t tell anyone, so if her parents had one. . . what was the big deal?

“ All humans lie, hide things, no one really makes it through this life being completely honest. Everyone's the same, no exceptions! Well, that is what I thought until I met (Y/N) (l/n) but I’ll let her do the rest from here on out. What you choose to do is on you in the end so choose carefully~!”

Walking out to the edge with the girl (Y/N) looks and stares at the blood splatter as she turns to her and says, “ we humans will commit the worst of crimes, murder, robbery, rape, you name it. Though, the biggest crime any human can commit and go about not knowing is lying to yourself and making a mistake thinking it will solve the issue. Do not fear, I am not judging you I just want you to know, no matter what you choose to do tonight, I forgive you and I assure you, a second chance is waiting for you all! So please, on the bright side, you now know what is happening and now you know what you can do to change it!”

The girl began to sob as she clutched onto (Y/N) sobbing and pouring her heart out with her smiling as she looked at the girl. After some time she finally left and (Y/N) looked up to the moon before hearing Izaya speak once again before hugging her and smiling.

“ Who would have known, so tell me is this you speaking (Y/N)? Or is it Saika?”

“ You can rest assure it’s me Izaya, but please don’t mention Saika.”

“ I never imagined someone as happy and cheerful as you to wield Saika, more importantly, go through something as traumatic as you have. Oh well, that’s life I guess! I’ll be waiting by the door whenever you wish to leave my Goddess. . .”

“ Alright. . .”

As (Y/N) stared at the moon and then the red blood splatter she began to recall that memory, that small memory that started it all.

In a small room all alone lived a young girl in her ‘timeout punishment�� as they called it. It was actually isolation, for three days the young girl hasn’t eaten and was barely drinking enough water to stay alive, but who was she to complain? Looking out she saw several children walking around and playing and it began to sadden the young girl as she could not join them for a small game of tag. Her mother was most likely with some other man and so was her father. As they argued and took out their stress out on other people, such as their daughter (Y/N), they failed to realize the young girl apologize for everything.

Blood stained the nice mats and floors as two bodies lay on top of each other with wounds in their stomachs causing their entrails to leap out.

“ I’m sorry mother and father! I apologize, if I wasn’t so weak then this never would have happened. On the bright side, I have freedom now! I also heard that I can play with the neighborhood kids too! Ah, don’t look at me like that mom! I know that I caused you so much pain, but you did too! I know for a fact that I should have done so much more but it’s fine mother! Father was upset when I defied the orders but then again father always got mad! I ended up reading a book on how to make friends and it said that I should try to make them happy and if I make them sad to apologize! I love people mom and dad! I’m scared they won’t like me or worse hate me! Which is why I need to make them happy, which is why I need to be happy! I don’t know when they are sad so I will just apologize if I do something you would disapprove of mom, dad!”

Looking down from the moon (Y/N) smiled before turning to face Izaya and walking side by side. He too was hurt and didn’t know how else to cope so it was fine! Besides, you’ve made so many friends so any sacrifice that was paid was rightfully paid! After all, you were his goddess and he treated you like one! You’ve made so many friends so it’s been working right! Well whatever, just remember that (Y/N) is afraid of people hating her and never wanting her, so treat a friend right before you start to see not only you fall but they themselves.

“ What are you thinking about (Y/N)?”

“ Nothing much Izaya, c’mon let’s go home if that’s all. I still have dinner to make!”

“Indeed, so what are we making?”

“ well, what’s your favorite meal?”

“Well, what was Shizu-chan’s favorite meal?”

“ Well. . . if you want we can make that. . .”

“ Then it’s settled! Hey (Y/N). . . you don’t hold it against me for killing Shizu-chan do you?”

(Y/N) turned to look at Izaya who held the same crazed expression as he did when he pulled the trigger. Shaking her head (Y/N) looked up to smile at Izaya before mouthing, ‘I forgive you Iza-chan!”

Smiling at the nickname he approached the girl standing before him as he grabbed her by the waist before kissing her softly. Soon after the kiss turned heated as his tongue found its way next to the girls as their tongues entwined together. Feeling the need to breathe, they separated as their only connection was the string of saliva that hung from both of their lips.

" You are just so forgiving and unpredictable. . . It's exciting to see what our dear (Y/N)-chan will do when faced with a predicament but I think it's more exciting to see how much you of all people can hold on, can withstand before you break! Don't worry my Goddess, because you have me to help you!"

"Thank you Iza-chan! I appreciate that you will make me happy as much as I make you happy!"

Grabbing the (h/c) haired female, Izaya began to walk downstairs with his goddess in hand as his mind raced and began to wonder, how far would your relationship with Shizuo last, that is if he was still alive? Well, whatever the case was, Izaya wasn't going to lose to Shizuo so with a sadistic, yet smug grin, he turned to the female he held in his hand and said,

"(Y/N) - Chan. . . How does a baby sound to you?"

Pushing Y/N onto the bed, Izaya began to remove his jacket. Pressing kisses onto her neck, mumbling to himself about how this child would be absolutely perfect.

"I-Iza. . .?"

"Shh. . . (Y/N) - Chan~ don't worry~ The pain you will experience will only make you stronger, our baby will be the summit of all of humanity. Our child will be born to be the perfect mix of our best qualities.”

"Iza. . . I-I. . . If you want a baby then I'll give you one, I'll give birth to our baby. . ."

" Perfect~ Just to make sure that monster hasn't tainted you, he didn't touch you did he?"

"No. . . We decided to wait till marriage. . . But it's fine Iza! I mean the one I love is well. . . you isn't it?"

Not liking the response the young girl gave him Izaya smirked before turning to a straight face filled with anger and lust.

"That's perfect!~ That means I'll be your first right (Y/N)-chan?"

“O-Of course! You’ll be my very first Iza!”

"That's perfect! (Y/N), you should do more than love me, you should worship you me like your God, your savior, and your salvation. So until then, until I know I have your life, love, admiration, and belief, you are just a lowly human that doesn't deserve my attention."

"Iza! I'm sorry for what I said, but I hope you still know I love y-!?"

"Apologizing isn't enough (Y/N) - Chan!~ You need to show me you mean it! Show me your love, your faith, show me who you belong to, lowly human. . . "

" W-w-what should I do?"

"Well. . . That's up to you to decide! I'm sure Shizuo asked you to do something naughty before right~"

"W-w-well t-t-that's-!?"

" So you aren't denying it! Well, I guess I'll have you so the same but show more devotion to me! Show me your love!"

Understanding what he meant (Y/N) turned to the side before nodding and proceeded to get off the bed getting on the floor before nearing Izaya again.

Izaya began to smirk seeing how submissive (Y/N) was acting and decided to edge her on more.

"Let's make a bet (Y/N) chan~"

"A bet?"

(Y/N) tilted her head slightly adding to her "cute" factor causing Izaya to smirk seeing how he was about to taint his Goddess before that monster did.

"Yes! Let's see. . . Oh! I know! If you can show me your faith by simply being a little naughty then I'll reward you! If not, you'll get punished!"

"P-p-punished?!"

(Y/N) scared expression causing Izaya to harden upon her expression.

"After all, a lowly human like you has to be punished already for doubting in your God! Now (Y/N) - Chan, let's start!"

(Y/N) began to near Izaya's jeans and nervously began to unbuckle them before turning away with red dusting her facial features.

"Aww is a sinner embarrassed to face her punishment? Her God?"

Nodding slowly, (Y/N) began to turn around to face Izaya who was smirking as he saw the young girl timidly stare at his erect member.

(Y/N) began to fumble with his boxers as she blushed before thinking about the previous time she did something like this. It was late afternoon, Shizuo and (Y/N) had a mini drinking competition which lead to some intense moments. As soon as her mind came back to her she realized that Izaya's member was exposed and she was staring at it.

A small chuckle brought her out of her daze before she remembered that she needed to do this, to avoid punishment, she didn't mind doing what she was going to do, but if she didn't do well, she was going to be punished and she feared that a lot more.

(Y/N) began to near his member and placed a small kiss upon the tip causing Izaya to shift a little as he stared at the female below him as she nervously wrapped her lips about his member, begin to slowly suck on it.

Izaya tilted his head back as he tried to silence his moans. His Goddess was tempting him, in fact, he had to restrain himself from taking her then and there.

"A-a-ah. . . (Y/N)-c-chan. . . ~"

Letting small moans escape his mouth he looked down to see the young female, she was red from embarrassment and small tears slipping from her eyes as she continued to tease the young male.

As the female began to suck a little harder, Izaya bit his lip but it was futile as he huffed a little before letting out soft moans.

"(Y/N) - chan!~ I-I-I a-a-ahh~"

Letting his lust get the best of him he grabbed (Y/N)'s hair and pushed her mouth further in causing her to choke a little and to deep throat him. Getting used to his length was difficult for the young girl as she was trying to match the speed of his forcefulness and her own.

Izaya was shaking a little as he began to chuckle as he stared deep into the girl’s eyes before whispering and grunting a little in response.

"S-so (Y/N)-chan. . No more like a lowly human. . . Do you believe that was enough? Are you going to finish and follow through with your punishment?"

(Y/N) continued to suck on his member before hearing more smaller grunts indicating he was close and he was. Izaya was blushing as he continued biting his lip, although this degrading was a big turn on for him and hopefully his "lowly human" he couldn't conceal his excitement as he let one more moan out before releasing inside the girl’s mouth.

"Swallow."

(Y/N), already a step ahead, began to swallow the male’s cum making sure to get any leftovers around her mouth.

"Good job, but I still didn't feel your devotion, your faith in your actions. Nonetheless, I did feel pleasure, so I'll reward you my lowly human~"

Izaya began to reach for a collar of some sort before showing it off to (Y/N). As she soon understood the message she allowed him to place it on her, she made sure her hair wasn't a bother as she allowed Izaya to gently place it around her neck. Soon after it was placed Izaya noticed how the collar had a circular ring piece in the center and as he smirked he allowed his fingers to wrap around the ring before yanking it causing (Y/N) to jerk forward and meeting his hungry gaze.

"You were so good, but not good enough. . . Out of my utter kindness as your God. . . I'll pleasure you as well lowly human."

"I-Iza. . . I-I-I l-love y-yo-?!"

"THROUGH ACTION! NOT WORDS, ACTION!"

Izaya grabbed the collar and dragged you to the bed, not before turning and witnessing your red face, you were being slightly choked due to the tightness of the collar, small tears from the previous event and the biggest turn on, you were drooling a bit and it was so cute, like a little ahegao face.

" You look so fucking hot, are you tempting me? Do you wish to seduce me and make me forget your crimes? Well, that won't work human, but that doesn't mean I can't play with you~"

"I-Izaya w-what are you doin- a-a-ahh~"

Small moans escaped from the girl’s mouth as Izaya began to kiss her, his tongue entering her mouth and slowly melting together with hers causing ultimate bliss. Halfway during the kiss, Izaya's hands wandered downwards to the girl’s jeans before he unbuckled them and proceeded to pull them down causing the girl to gasp.

"Izaya! W-wait!?"

" I believe you mean God~"

(Y/N)'s jeans were removed as Izaya's fingers began to near her clothed womanhood. As he massaged your clit through your (f/c) underwear he smirked as he saw his goddess bright red and soft moans and mewling sounds as he made her feel pleasure. Soon after his fingers made it inside and he massaged her womanhood with much ease and it drove poor (Y/N) crazy.

"I-Izaya. . ."

" I think you mean God my lowly human!~"

"G-God. . . I-I f-feel strange. . ."

" Not yet! Don't tell me that's all! Well, I guess I better start!"

Izaya neared (Y/N) womanhood as his tongue went to meet her clit and massaged it ever so gently. Making sure she could experience everything he made sure to hold onto her thighs before sucking and nibbling lightly against the bundle of nerves. Causing her back to arch, (Y/N) moaned in pleasure before Izaya began to change not only where he was attacking but the speed. He slid his tongue up and down one last time before he used his tongue to plunge into (Y/N) womanhood. His tongue went in and out of you as you moaned loudly, it was driving you over the edge. Soon after he stopped before getting up and returning back to his position, straddling you but he replaced his tongue with his finger gaining more access. To start off "soft" he allowed two fingers to access the girl plunging them in and out at a small pace before adding another and going faster causing the girl to moan and turn to face her God.

" I-I-I f-feel f-funny. . ."

" It's only a matter of time, my dear human."

(Y/N) began to feel a knot in her abdomen, it was getting more intense and tight with each time his fingers went inside of her. As she was reaching the point of no return he began to speed up as (Y/N) let out one more moan before her body trembled as her eyes slightly rolled back as her juices sprayed everywhere especially on Izaya's fingers. Izaya smirked before seductively removing his finger from inside of (Y/N) and licked them before smiling softly. He leaned down to whisper,

"That was amazing! You taste so sweet I can't get enough of it!~ but. . . I think it's time we moved onto the main event don't you think, my lowly human, my little slut. . ."

It was only at this point that (Y/N) noticed the mirror facing the bed. It was a large, floor mirror that gave the observer a good view of the bed. It hadn’t been there before meaning one thing: Izaya had bought it just for this event.

“Ah, I see you’ve noticed it, finally! The perfect instrument for this night of trial! It’s there to test you, you see. . .”

Izaya’s hands snaked around (Y/N) to the back of her shirt. From there, he pulled one of the straps holding her shirt up, letting the tie unravel.

“You didn’t really think that our fun, little night would end here, did you? I said we were gonna have a main event; an event with a special little treat for you, my lowly slut. Take it all off, we shouldn’t waste any time!”

(Y/N) sat up in shock. Izaya was being too candid, too forward. The darkness of the room led to Izaya’s face having dark shadows. The look made him too lustful and brought a familiar knot to (Y/N)’s abdomen.

Leaning in, Izaya whispered, “Hurry up.”

With shaking hands, (Y/N) brought her hands to her top and took it off in one swoop. The air suddenly surrounded her and she felt ever colder. The easy part was over, but now came the bra. She had been dying to take it off ever since they arrived home, but she couldn’t have expected that it would be in this situation.

She could feel her face flushing red as she undid the hooks behind her back. She couldn’t bear to face Izaya, but she could still feel his lustful gaze directed towards her. She could feel him surveying every part of her body in arousal.

When she finally slipped the garment off, her body may have been cold but she could still feel the heat pouring between her legs. The air enveloped her body and made her nipples harden up. They perked up even more when Izaya brought his face closer to her.

“No matter what, I want you to look at me. It’s the very least a whore like you can do during this. If you can prove yourself through this, then you’ll get through this next trial~”

Without breaking his gaze, Izaya began to descend upon her chest. Taking one bud into his mouth, he began to swirl his tongue around it. His other hand pinched the remaining nipple and worked together to create a rhythm. Popping it out of his mouth, he bit into the skin around (Y/N)’s chest before moving on to the opposite bud. The sensation made her mind cloud and her mouth threatened to let moans escape. Every part of her body was on fire.

“Mmm. . . Is this pleasurable for you? Are you enjoying it? Don’t forget, my little bitch, that you have to prove your love for me. How devoted are you really?”

“Izaya, I-”

“How many times do I have to say this, (Y/N), only through your actions. Hm. . . Maybe a little punishment will help set you straight?”

Izaya kneeled up from the bed, pulling (Y/N)’s collar with it. The collar constricted around her neck, bringing a wave of euphoria as she was choked for those few seconds as he filled the two of them, leading to Y/N being on top of Izaya.

“Don’t think this is how we end it. Just for now, you’re nothing more than a slave with a hole. If you ever want to be anything more, prove it.”

Staring at him for a few seconds, (Y/N) was in disbelief of what she was hearing. Did Izaya really believe that, that she was just a warm hole for him? And she already sucked him off, what more did she have to prove?”

“Well go on, prove your devotion to your god, to your complete master.”

(Y/N) knew what she had to do. Her whole body was shaking as she lifted herself on top of Izaya. She could feel her cunt getting wetter by the second, almost soaking Izaya’s midsection. She couldn’t believe that she was doing this with Izaya, much less how obedient she was. It was her first time, she should be hesitant! Maybe she had been secretly wanting this for so long?

Once she was in position, she began to lower herself onto Izaya’s member before being stopped by Izaya.

“Ah, ah, ah, did you think that this is your only punishment? No, no, no! Turn around, (Y/N), face the mirror. If you dare to look away for even a split second, your god will make sure you get disciplined.”

(Y/N) found it good to not upset Izaya. That would be an adventure for another time. Hesitantly, (Y/N) turned around to look at herself in the mirror. When she saw herself, she couldn’t believe the state of her appearance. (Y/N) looked like an arousing mess. Her hair was messy, but it looked artistic in a way. Her hairs were jumbled up and her lips were swollen. Her chest was flushed, riddled with hickeys and as hard as ever.

“Remember what I said~”

Filled with determination, (Y/N) rose onto her Izaya and steadied herself. She lowered herself onto Izaya’s member, sliding it in with ease. It hurt a lot at the start, but the pain went away and was quickly replaced with arousal. (Y/N) felt like a crab, looking at herself in the mirror. It was uncomfortable to watch, but she didn’t dare disobey Izaya.

She started moving up and down, watching as her breasts bounced along with her body. Izaya laid below her, helping her along by holding her waist. His fingers dug into her sides, making her squirm around. If only she could see him, what face would he be making?

The room was echoing the moans of both (Y/N) and Izaya. He stayed silent, except for his grunts and the occasional moan. That, along with the sight of such a lewd image right before her eyes, made the knot in her stomach grow and grow.

The wet claps grew within the room, along with Izaya’s heightened pace. Now, his nails dug into her sides but she didn’t dare comment on it. (Y/N) was too distracted by the intensity of her senses. Her hair started to stick onto her face and she found herself moving into Izaya’s thrusts. Her arms were burning from the position, she kept trying to adjust herself into a better position.

Izaya’s hands briefly left her waist to play with her breasts some more, before returning to add some much-needed support. The clapping now was wetter, almost sounding empty and echoey. (Y/N)’s abdomen could feel herself tightening around Izaya, but the position just wasn’t enough. Lifting herself up more, she raised her heels and put all her balance on the balls of her feet. The position was just enough and to add more friction, pounding Izaya in further.

She lowered her hand to play with her clit before her own hand was replaced by Izaya. He said nothing as he played with her folds, rubbing and tugging at it with ways that sent (Y/N) into a frenzy. Her legs twitched and shook, threatening to compromise her position.

Soon, the passion was more than (Y/N) could withstand. She came all over Izaya, feeling the liquid flow out of her. Her vision blurred and she could feel chills wash over her body. Between her legs, it felt as if everything was pulsating and her heart was ringing in her ears. Izaya followed shortly afterwards, removing himself from her insides and letting her fall onto her side.

His arm snaked around (Y/N) once more, pulling her closer.

“Guess what, my sweet (Y/N). You passed! You managed to catch my attention through that amazing performance! What do you think?”

(Y/N) had no thought within her mind. The pulsating still hadn’t gone away and the fluid between her legs still felt sticky. If there was one thing she knew, it was that this baby would certainly end up interesting.

#yandere #yandere durarara #yandere durarara x reader #yandere izaya #yandere izaya orihara #yandere izaya x reader #yandere izaya orihara x reader #yandere x reader #yandere x y/n #yandere x darling #yandere x you #yandere headcanons #yandere anime #yandere headcannons #yandere imagines #yandere fanfiction

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papergirllife · 4 years ago

Text

Chapter 1

Synopsis:

You don’t know what it’s like to be free, to make your own choices, and live your own life. For your whole life, your parents have been treating you like a puppet on strings, controlling your life to every single detail, as well as ignoring the fact that you have feelings. Other times, when you disobey their wishes, or speak up about your own opinions, they bash you down with words, in other words, psychological abuse, has led you down the long winded road of depression and anxiety. What happens when you meet a man who’s willing to be your guide out of this terrible downpour? Would you give a shot at happily ever after?

Warnings:

big age gap (kinda?)

issues on anxiety

issues on depression (mild)

issues on parental abuse

smut (maybe)

Tag List: @etherealtyjaem (lmk if you wanna be on the list)

It has always been like this, being locked up in the study room so you could ‘study’ for hours end, or that’s what they think you’re doing. You studied in an elite academy with your smart cousins, only to have you graduating with average grades, which of course, earned you a harsh scolding from your parents. Now, you’re supposed to be studying business for university, even though you had zero interests in it, the subject is fine, it’s what you’re studying it for that irks you. Your family runs a business in Seoul, but from what you can see by secretly skimming through the files as well as the arguments behind shut doors with your aunts and uncles, things aren’t going as planned.

You don’t have many friends, nor a phone, they took it away from you when you wanted to go out with some friends, claiming that it’s a distraction that should be locked away. You felt like Rapunzel, locked away from the world, they don’t have any love for you, you’re quite sure they don’t, they had once slapped your face ten times when you had a boyfriend behind their backs, and you were 15 for god’s sake, along with other things that you rather not say, you don’t want to relive all those painful memories.

Sometimes you wished you could go back to the time when you were a child, when you were at your grandparents’ in the morning, her warm smile and loving eyes, when you didn’t know what laid ahead. You wish you hadn’t realised that you were being abused, you used to think what you went through was the same for other kids as well, until you talked about it with other people and scared them away from you. The painful memories sinking back in made the words in front of you blurry as you felt tears seeping in your eyes.

Depression.

It’s deemed as something ridiculous in your family, and that people who are suffering from it are weaklings and don’t deserve anything from this society.

‘Does that mean I’m weak?’

You never went to therapy nor took any medication for your mental illnesses, and recently the development of anxiety attacks are constantly putting you on edge. You have them at least once a week, sometimes you even had problem breathing, but you couldn’t tell anyone about it, nor anyone would ever listen to your cries of help.

“We’re going to help sell your uncle’s house this Saturday,” your mother said as she was folding the clothes.

“The mansion he recently bought?” you asked, confused as to why he would sell the mansion he was obsessed with just two months ago.

“Yes, he bought that without our permission back then, so now we need to sell it for funds, and you need to be there to entertain the potential buyers, give them a tour around the house and other enquiries. You have to direct them to us if you think they’re truly interested, it’s going to be an open house concept party,” cold, that’s how your mother sounded, her claims of putting family above everything else flying out of the window whenever her demands are not met.

“Okay, is there anything else?” you asked, hoping to be excused as soon as possible.

“No, you can continue your studies in the study room.”

That’s what basic communication is in your life, you tried talking about your interests, your opinions, but they either fall on deaf ears, or you would receive a lecture for having a ‘false perspective’. You’ve given up on talking to them about things that are going in on your life now, they don’t listen anyways.

The party is filled with old men with their muffin tops waddling around with a wine glass in hand and talking obnoxiously loud, obviously having too much money to go by, looking at how overly filled their bellies are.

You tried hiding away in the house, but your family kept pushing you out to talk to them. Their stares were not intimidating, no, but it made you feel uncomfortable as their gazes linger a bit too long on your legs or anywhere else, and the way they didn’t want to let go after they shook your hand, made your anxiety levels rise to the roof.

You would find random excuses to run away, like going to refill their glass or saying you need to use the loo, your heartbeat going as fast as your legs could take you away from them.

When you came back out from hiding for the 6th time, both your parents were rushing you to meet someone new.

“He’s a man of great fortune and power, so the chances of him buying this house is high. Don’t try to hide from this one, or you’ll get it when we get home,” your mother warned, her eyes side eying you with daggers.

Your mother’s threat made you sick inside, what are you to them? A scapegoat?

You weren’t paying attention to who or where was she pushing you to, but once you stopped, the man in front of you made your eyes as big as saucers.

‘How is a man like this doing here?’ you thought to yourself.

“Hello Mr Suh, we’re quite busy at the moment with other potential buyers. Why don’t we allow my daughter, Y/N, to show you around?” your mother said, her voice overly sweet, like day old cotton candy.

Once you were in front of him, your parents left. Leaving you helpless as your social anxiety kicks in, your eyes trained on his shoulder, eye contact, especially from this man, made you very nervous.

“C-can I give you a tour?’ you asked, hoping to ditch him halfway.

Johnny looks at the way your eyes avoid his, it wasn’t hard, given how tall he was, there’s just something so intriguing about you, so different from the girls that throw themselves at him with zero doubts.

“Nice to meet you, Y/N. I’m Johnny,” Johnny introduced himself by bending down slightly, a friendly smile on his face, one that you can’t decipher whether he had similar intentions as those nasty old men had.

To say that the tour was horrible would’ve been an understatement, you kept stuttering under his piercing gaze, instead of looking at you like you were his next meal like other potential buyers, Johnny was genuinely listening to what you have to say. You didn’t think the house was any interesting, it was just a bunch of useless expensive things under one roof, like the movie room, the slides at the pool, the ‘mini’ bar. These things weren’t appealing to you, riches are overrated when it becomes too common, like your cousins and their different designs of Birkin bags, you weren’t exactly fond of their favourite alligator skinned ones as well.

Yet Johnny didn’t look at the cliche setting that you are currently presenting, instead his eyes are trained on yours, it wasn’t a scrutinizing gaze like the wives of those perverted men who stared down on you, nor anything that seems predatory, it only held calculation and observance. On the house? It doesn’t seem like it. On you? You can bet this whole house that he’s met women far more beautiful compared to a plain jane like you.

“T-that’s all for the tour, Mr Suh. Would you want me to direct you to my parents, if you’re interested?” you asked, hoping that you’d get to be alone again.

“Can you take me to the park nearby? I’d like to see the facilities available in this housing area,” he answered smoothly, as if he had calculated every little detail in his life.

You nodded wordlessly at his request, taking him to see the park nearby the house. It was a weird sight, having a man as tall as Johnny towering behind you.

“This is the park,” you pointed stupidly, cursing at yourself, obviously this is the park, anyone with eyes could tell.

Johnny inhaled the breath of fresh air this area offered, his shoulders not as tensed up after. A smile decorated his handsome face as he turned towards you.

“Let’s sit.”

Johnny directed you to the nearest park bench, his size taking up most of the bench, yet he scoots into himself as you sat down next to him, giving you personal space.

‘Does he think I’m going to lower the price of the house for him? I don’t even know how much they’re selling it for,’ you thought, thinking this man must be mad that an unimportant person like you could negotiate with him.

“I’m going to be honest with you, Y/N. I’m not interested in the house,” Johnny said, breaking the silence.

Your mom isn’t going to be pleased when she hears this, you thought as you bit at your bottom lip, thinking about how harsh is she going to react if she didn’t get a buyer out of this event.

“Thank you for taking your time for considering through out this-

“I’m interested in you.”

Did you hear that correctly or was your mind playing tricks on you?

You stared at Johnny as his hand comes close to your face, he wasn’t pulling you closer, instead his fingers reached out to gently graze the underside of your eyes.

“I can see what you’re hiding,” Johnny said solemnly, his eyes showing you pity.

You quickly took out your compact mirror out of your pocket, checking to see if you did a bad job on the concealer for your puffy eyes today, but it looked fine.

“I used to be involve in theater, and I’ve seen people covering unwanted marks or eye bags on their face many times. It’s not obvious to most people, don’t worry,” Johnny explained.

The touch of his fingertips on your face was filled with warmth, as well as his eyes when he looked at you now, if his eyes were honey you’ll be as addicted as Winnie the Pooh. His touch was quickly gone as it had came, his hand placed back into his lap as he stares ahead.

“I’m not going to assume anything, but from what I can see, I don’t think you deserve to be going through what you’re facing now. And as for your family’s company, it’s not going to last long even if they managed to sell this property out. You’re going to be in a much more disappointing situation when that happens, I’ve been in the business game my whole life, my predictions hardly go astray anymore,” Johnny said without a sliver of judgement, he was just laying out the cards for you to observe.

Johnny reaches for a card in his coat pocket and handed it to you, it was his business card.

“I can take you away from all this chaos raging among your family, if you can call it a family that is. I’ll be seeing you soon, Y/N,” Johnny said before standing up and walking away to the direction where his car awaits, his driver closing his door.

That was most definitely a statement.

#nct smut #nct fluff #nct #johnny suh #johnny smut #johnny fluff #seo young ho #nct 127 #nct dream #wayv

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peachyteez · 4 years ago

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death’s grip ≫ DAY TWO, LITTLE CUB.

the tiger hybrid managed to escape from south korea’s top illegal hybird ring fights. of course, they didn’t let him go so easily. losing his chasers in a forest, covered in blood—his and others’—he decided to accept his fate of death from his wounds until a female and two other hybrids managed to take him from death’s grip.

PART OF THE HEAVEN SERIES.

✧ taglist: @defsoul15, @choisaniskillingme, @joongiebug, @sunsethw4, @t-tbinnie, @chanyeolol, @danibookmarks, @hello-its-ya-boi, @murralyn, @alienmashup, @panini, @moon8894, @taetae123094, @luv3rxcha, @treasure-hwa, @etherealbyeol, @hwaseongzzz, @koasworld, @lovely-sanie, @orbitiiny

can’t be tagged: @yoongisleftboob

feel free to let me know if you would like to be part of the list! :)

✧ notes: went on a lil tangent towards the end buuut ┐(︶▽︶)┌

back。| next。

hongjoong slowly drifted in and out of consciousness. as he slowly came back to reality, so did his senses. the constant beeping of a machine next to him, the painfully familiar hospital antiseptic, the soft mattress he was laying on—wait.

mattress? shooting up in the hospital bed, hongjoong examined his surroundings. instead of the forest where he swore he was just at, he was inside what seemed to be a hospital room. feeling something in his arm, his eyes widened when he looked down. there was a needle in his arm. following the tube that was connected to the needle, he looked up and noticed a clear fluid in a bag that was slowly dripping out. his mind went into panic mode, not understanding what had happened and how he had gotten there in the first place.

suddenly, the door of his room automatically opened and he made eye contact with a familiar woman. the woman from the forest?

she smiled, seeing him conscious. “good morning, hongjoong,” she greeted. “how do you feel?”

hongjoong blinked, still trying to process the situation. looking down at himself, he realized he was no longer wearing his own clothes, but rather a baby blue hospital top and bottom. he looked back up to her, confusion written all over his face.

jiyu chuckled. “do you remember? you were bleeding out in the forest and i called the facility’s rescue team to bring you back here. don’t worry, i didn’t change your clothes. yeonjun did. and we cleaned your...many wounds and bandaged them up for you.”

peeking down through the neckline of the top, he indeed noticed the white gauze and bandaging that covered his entire torso. there were even some on his arms and legs.

“yeonjun washed you up, too,” she sheepishly admitted. “we didn’t realize how much dirt and...blood you had on you until he washed you.” hongjoong had so much dirt and blood that you couldn’t even see the orange fur of his ears and tail.

“...why?” hongjoong stuttered out, utterly confused. “why did you help me? we don’t even know each other.”

jiyu cocked her head in confusion. “i don’t have to know you to help. the caretakers here don’t know any of the hybrids when they first come in, but that doesn't stop us from trying to help,” she explained with a soft smile. “there’s some good out in the world, hongjoong.”

some good. does that mean he’s gotten the bitter end of the spectrum his whole life?

“other than your wounds,” jiyu continued as she looked through his file, “you don’t have any life-threatening injuries, thank god. but you will have to remain here in the facility for a few weeks for you to fully recover. from how you reacted to me two days ago, i can tell you’ve been through a lot.”

hongjoong slightly winced at her words. “two days ago?” he asked, slightly horrified.

“you passed out in the ambulance and you were knocked out the whole day yesterday,” she revealed. “most likely from exhaustion and pain.”

he blankly nodded. he still couldn’t wrap his mind around the fact that he had been rescued, or so he hopes. judging from his environment and the woman in front of him, he was pretty sure that was the case. “...you won’t bring me back, right? to my owners?” he quietly asked. the pain, the blood, the sound of the crowds cheering and chanting for a kill. he winced. he never wanted to kill them. he never wanted to hurt them. he did it to survive, to see another sunrise from his cage.

jiyu furrowed her eyebrows. “if you don’t want to go back, then i won’t force you. although, i don't know where you would go after recovering. judging from your behavior, i can tell you didn’t have the brightest life, am i right?”

hongjoong didn’t say anything, he just stared down at his clasped hands in his lap. taking his silence as a yes, she felt her heart ache. he’s like seonghwa and yunho. she felt her anger slowly rise. there’s some messed up people in this world, i swear i’m gonna track them down.

shaking the thoughts off, she looked at hongjoong again. “don’t worry, you’re safe here, i promise,” she reassured. “and if you feel uncomfortable in the slightest way, don’t hesitate to let me know.”

hongjoong observed the woman. it was amazing how easily she was willing to go to such lengths to help him. and for what? what was her motive? what would she get out of it? he suddenly remembered the two hybrids that was with her that day.

“your hybrids...” he started, unsure of how to word his question. what did you do to make them trust you so easily? he wanted answers. something, anything that would put down the little bud of doubt and distrust inside. he didn’t want to be betrayed again.

“seonghwa and yunho?” she asked, taking a seat on the chair next to his bed. “what about them?”

he fidgeted with his tail. “...what did you do?”

jiyu silently thought about his question. what did she do? she didn’t do anything special—she just did what she assumed anyone with a heart would do. care for them, love them, respect them. it’s just the basic manners. she wryly smiled. “nothing special or manipulating if that’s what you’re thinking,” she said. “you’d think it’s just basic manners to show hybrids some love and respect, but i guess not for everyone.”

she looked over the bandaging on his arm. “i don’t know how your life was like before ending up in the forest, but let me make one thing clear. not everyone in the world is the same. if every human out there truly was heartless, the world would’ve gone to shit a long time ago. someone had the idea of creating this hybrid recovery center. doesn't that go to show you that they want to help?”

hongjoong intently listened to her little tangent. while he wasn’t completely convinced, he could feel his heart and mind ever-so slowly open up to her words.

“i won’t lie, it’s sad how one bad apple can spoil the whole tree,” she humorously laughed. “it takes one heartless person for hybrids to lose trust in us completely. i don’t blame you, though,” she mumbled.

with a small smile at him, she stood up from the chair. “all i’m saying is...give us a chance, yeah?” she felt deja-vu from that line. it was the same request she had asked seonghwa when they first met. “you can start with me since i’m your designated caretaker, then if and when you're ready, i’ll bring in more people, deal?”

what seemed like an eternity passed before hongjoong slowly nodded his head. “deal,” he quietly agreed, his orange and black tiger ears slightly twitching in anticipation.

jiyu smiled, happy that he was slowly letting her in. “thanks, little tiger.”

hongjoong raised an eyebrow at her name for him. “little tiger?”

a mischievous and teasing look flashed across her face. “you just look so small and adorable on the bed,” she laughed. his cheeks flushed in embarrassment as he looked away, a pout unconsciously forming on his lips.

“what was it about good humans you were talking about?” he mumbled to himself. but seeing her smile and radiating happy energy, he couldn’t bring himself to be mad.

strange, he thought, how did she reduce me to a little cub in only half an hour?

glancing at the clock, her eyes almost bulged out of her head. “good god, i promised beomgyu i’d eat lunch with him!” she frantically yelped as she quickly gathered the paperwork and clipboard. she could already envision the golden-retriever’s pouting face while asking her why she was ten minutes late. “oh, right. are you hungry?” she asked hongjoong.

seeing him shake his head, she pursed her lips in thought. “well, it’s my lunch break right now. i’ll buy some food for you and bring it back when i’m on the clock again, okay? alright, i’ll see you in a bit!”

without giving him time to deny her offer, she sped walk out the door. hongjoong didn’t know how to react. one minute, she was seriously explaining to him that there was good in the world; then another minute, she became a clumsy girl that lost track of time.

he scoffed. “if all good humans are clumsy like that, then what’s gonna happen to me?”

#9th member of ateez #ateez imagines #ateez scenarios #ateez fluff #ateez angst #kim hongjoong #kim hongjoong imagines #hongjoong imagines #hongjoong scenarios #ateez hongjoong #hybrid au #kpop hybrid au #ateez hybrid #hybrid!ateez #ateez au

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drowningbydegrees · 3 years ago

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Fanfic Tag Game

Thanks for the tag @lokibus! <3 <3 <3

How many works do you have on Ao3?

54. I've written quite a bit more, but I just can't be bothered to carry over most of the fics from my LJ days. Also, once upon a time I had a super insecure streak and I went on an orphaning spree, so... ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

What’s your total Ao3 word count?

Apparently 457,241! Kinda same as above.

What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

Though I Try Not To (The Witcher)

I'm so weirdly pleased about this. I fell into Witcher fandom totally by accident. I don't usually do fixit fics, but I couldn't help myself. This is, I think, the only fic to date where I've started posting as a WIP and actually followed through and finished.

Where All Roads Lead (MCU)

If there is one plot device I'm just eternally a sucker for, it's time travel shenanigans. This was one of the two time travely fics I wrote for Stucky fandom.

For The Space of a Heartbeat (The Witcher)

I'm honestly really surprised by this? This was totally just a self indulgent spur of the moment kinda thing, and it's only a couple thousand words.

Even in the Dark I Know You (The Witcher)

Okay, I lied. There were two WIPs I actually followed through and finished. This started as a random oneshot for a whump week thing, and then the prompt for the next day fit so well with a follow up chapter that this just turned into a whole story. I really enjoy subverting tropes and with witcher biology I see a lot of sensory overload kinds of fics, so I decided to play with the idea in reverse.

Even if it Hurts (Even if it Makes Me Bleed) (The Witcher)

So, most of the time when I settle into a fandom, there's one fic idea that I feel like I cannot leave without writing. For Witcher fandom, this was that fic. I have a lot of complicated thoughts about soulmates as a romantic concept, even more so when you're involving characters like Geralt, for whom fate is so often a double edged sword. This story was very much an excuse to dig into what soulmates mean for personal agency under the guise of a narrative. XD

Do you respond to comments, why or why not?

Admittedly, I do this with embarrassing inconsistency. Basically, what happens is: * Something gets a good response. * I respond to a few comments and then find myself overwhelmed (mentally, not as in there are a truly overwhelming number of comments). * I step away for a bit. * A month later I realize I still haven't replied. Cue paralyzing indecision about whether it's too late to reply. * Rinse and repeat.

I do want to! And I'm working on it. I've gotten a little better about it, but my apologies to anyone who I haven't responded to. Please know I'm not intentionally ignoring you. ;_;

What’s the fic you’ve written with the happiest ending?

Oh hmm. I had a reputation for a really long time as primarily an angst writer, but pretty much all my stories have a happy ending for some given quantity of happy. I guess it kind of depends on how one qualifies that.

Noonwraiths and Other Woodland Forest Creatures maybe. It's got a got a pretty fluffy ending.

What’s the fic you’ve written with the angstiest ending?

It's a tossup.

I, The Paradox, which is my other time travel fic from my Stucky fandom days, with a paradox (shocking) that lands Steve with two versions of Bucky. For plot purposes even! It's not a particularly smutty story. It ends sort of ambiguously. There's a sequel outlined that was meant to resolve said ambiguity, but alas, it's still sitting in my WIP folder.

Truth in the Periphery. It's a psychological horror story I wrote for an event. I think it's the only fanfic I've ever written that was really intended as a hurt/no comfort kind of story.

Do you write crossovers?

I haven't, but not because I specifically don't. I've just never had an idea that felt compelling enough to follow through on.

have you ever received hate on a fic?

Maaaaybe once or twice a long, long, long time ago, back when FFN was still the best option for posting outside of LiveJournal. I don't think it was even about the writing. I think it was someone was mad that my much younger self tried to sneak smut onto FFN.

Do you write smut? if so, what kind?

I have such a love/hate relationship with smut in my own work. I used to write it a lot because I felt like I had to. It was until I came to terms with being more or less ace irl that it occurred to me why I didn't enjoy writing it. Weirdly, I like reading it just fine.

The thing is, while I don't really care for the physical aspect of it, I like the emotional touchpoints of it, so I do still write smut sometimes. It just tends to be a little cursory in terms of action details and heavy on character dynamics.

Have you ever co-written a fic before?

No. But I used to RP a lot, and it's always been a lot of fun, so I wouldn't be opposed to the idea!

What’s your all-time favourite ship?

Oh shoot. From a romantic standpoint that varies so much depending on what fandom I'm currently feeling enthusiastic about. It's pretty much always a specific character that draws me to a fandom, so I think the most consistent ship I have is favorite character/unconditional love and support. XD

What’s a wip that you want to finish but don’t think you ever will?

The sequel to I, The Paradox I mentioned earlier.

What are your writing strengths?

If there's one thing I feel like I have a consistently good handle on, it's emotional impact. I put a lot of thought into why people make the choices they do and how they relate to each other, and I would like to think I'm reasonably adept at leading readers to the emotional response I'm going for.

What are your writing weaknesses?

Descriptions. I'm just forever in awe of people who can just write settings/action naturally. It's a constant effort for me, and it's the thing I always feel like I fall short on. I can write navel gazing in my sleep, but an action scene? Pfftttt.

What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?

Very situational. Kind of like in movies and television. I don't have any kind of always x or y opinion on it though.

What was the first fandom you wrote for?

Inuyasha. It was back when I didn't have a computer of my own and would write at the library, so the only record of it was the site I used to draft and post to that is now defunct. No one is happier about this than I am. 😂

What’s your favourite fic you’ve written?

I think I'm genuinely pretty proud of everything I've written in the last couple of years, but if I had to pick right now, it'd be It Doesn't Break But it Bends. It's a time loop fic. Someone left "Recommended but you will sob." as their bookmark note for it and I think that might be my crowning achievement in fandom.

Tagging (if you want!): @mikkeneko @goodheavensgwen @writinglizards @plotdesigner And anyone else who wants to <3

#things I'm tagged in #my fic #about me

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sketchfanda · 5 years ago

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Rate the Champions

Based off of and inspired by @gale-of-the-nomads and @nerdasaurus1200 rate the akuma,for @beebeebombam Lady Fairy AU,or in this case,the blind butterfly girl herself and her champions. According to wha I’ve learned from posts in bee’s posts on the tag,many of the champions like Alya as Lady Wifi,Max as the Gamer,and Nate as Illuscreator aren’t all too different from canon in tems of their abilities and design. mostly just my way of giving some attention and notice to this AU,which for a guy like me who’s pretty recent into coming into this fandom,but coming to know enough,it’s a fun and sweet AU especially for the fact it gives poor Nooroo much better than what he’s got in canon.

serously,poor little guy,and this is like the only gif I ever find for him. So let’s begin with the blind butterfly princess herself

Marinette Dupain-Cheng,blind but as in canon,a girl with a big heart and a deep sense of empathy,wielder of the moth/butterfly Miraculous,Paris’ maker of heroes Lady Fairy

Design: A+ it really plays up th butterfly theme and motif,her mask being a blindfold is a very nice touch that serves to highlight and remind of her condition. The shades of purple and indigo work well to give a outfit that is as graceful,elegant and posied as the animal its based on and suits her name,coming off like a figure out of a fairy tale plus such glitter and sparkle

Powers: A,it’s the butterfly/moth brooch,as in canon it grants the wielder the ability to empower others and make them superheroes. Of course in this AU it’s made to be used as intended,unlike Gabriel’s selfish,wreckless evil purposes. Especially as unlike Hawkmoth,lady fairy serves more to focus on her champions’ positive emotions,guide them and motivate them rather than force control and obedience into being her puppets and twist and manipulate them at their lowest points. while it’s stated that the moth miraculous can utilise both positive and negative emotions,I feel focusing on the positive makes for a better contrast to how Hawkmoth always seeks out the negative. Bee of course adds a sweet touch to how the wielder can see through their chosen’s eyes,allowing the blind marinette to see the world she normally wouldn’t be able to due to her blindness,giviing her a growing appreciation and love for her city,her loved ones and the colours of life.

theme (As in their gimmick):A.the name,motif and design of the outfit all work together,making her seem like a figure from a court of nobility from a fairy tale

Effectiveness:A.when all seems grim,always know if you have a strong heart,this sweet soul will give you the means to do what’s right,because she believes in you. as a true butterfly wielder should.

Personal enjoyment: A I’ve seen maybe one or two,if not near half a dozen fanarts based on kwami swap with Mari as the butterfly miraculous wielder. This is my personal favourite of the bunch in terms of concept and design.

next we come to the villain of the story,grand iceking douchebag and shitty parent,the socially reclusive bastard Gabriel Aggreste,aka Le Paon,wilder of the peacock miraculous,which I assume isn’t as damaged as it is canon Design- A,very sinister and classy,but different and unique compared to his hawkmoth outfit,but just as enigmatic. has a somewhat sens of style and class to it,which makes sense given peacocks and their natural flamboyance and Gabriel’s status as a fashion designer

Powers- A.as in canon,the peacock brooch is similar but different to the buttefly in that rather than use someone’s emotions to empower them,it takes a partciular emotion they’re feeling and gives it a shape and form,granting the wielder a soldier they can command and control. making it range and very in terms of its shape and form. And unluckily,one needn’t be willing for gabriel to create a sentimonster,not that he cares,fitting given his self serving goal.

Theme- A,sinister yet classy looking individual,with an ability to enforce his will on others,much like he enforces and exerts control over his own’s son’s life. it’s one thing when hetting akumatised twisted you into being evil,but one can barely imagine the horror of being taken advantage of at your emotional low,watching as your anger,or sadness,etc are given the form of a monster that will tear all of paris apart to fulfill a mad man’s goals

Effectiveness - A. like in canon,gabriel is just hiding away,unseen by all of Paris as he keeps his sense tuned for someone at their emotional low,looking to control them much like how he controls his own son’s life. because what he believes in and thinks are right matter most,and for the ones he loves,or passes for love,all of Paris will suffer long as he gets what he wants

Personal enjoyment of the akuma-Be it the moth or the peacoc,Gabriel is as he will always be,a cold distant selfish man whose misguided sense of love and family will burn the world.

Nathalie Sancoeur,personal assistant to the villain himself,in this Au for the heroes day battle,wielder of the ladybug,which garbriel has in his possession. yes he’s halfway to this goal,which raises the stakes Design- A,similar but different to canon,a more villainouse edge thanks to the black sections,and seems to hide nathalie’s identity

Powers- A,it’s the ladybug miraculous,one can only shudder to think hw it works when not wielded by a non heroic wielder.

Theme- Unlike in canon,this is not a heroic ladybug. I’ts Nathalie doing what she thinks is right,which is helping her boss achieve his goals. not helping that she seems to love him and all

Effectiveness - hard to say as we will only see her once in the finale arc,but the ladybug miraculous on the side of devils? weep for paris

Personal enjoyment-n/a

Sabine Dupain-Cheng,Mari’s wonderful mama,aka Scilla Design- A,an elegant look and design that fits and suits the motfi of her daughter,fitting given what her powers in this form do.

Powers- A. simple but effective,she can boost and enhance others’ powers,in this case able to increase Mari’s Miraculous’ abilities as catalyst did with scarlet moth,enabling her to create multiple champions. from a lady to a queen fairy,now able to lead and command her warriors on the field of battle.

Theme- A,really plays to the sparkly classy fairy tale motif of her daughter

Reason for Akumatization-Aor championisation in this case,as bee establishes Sabine’s always known her daughter has been a hero,and given the situation in heroes’ day,how could she not want to help

Effectiveness as an akuma- A,the results speak for themselves

Personal enjoyment of the akuma-A,compared to Nathalie and Hawkmth,it’s a nice little take in reminding us how like in canon,Mari has a wonderfu bond with her parents.

Luka,Kagami,Rose and Juleka,aka Distorter,Riposte,Princess fragrance and Monster Witch

Design- A+,very more heroic takes or twists on Luka,Kagami and Rose’s canon designs,while Juleka’s is very suiting and fitting for her given her goth vibe and motif,with the eyees of coruse referencing Reflekta. makes sense esp as reflekta was more about standing out and getting attention.Rose’s and Luka’s looks are tweaked just enough to not seem like palette swaps whie Kagami’ is less silver samurai,more superheroic samurai knight

Powers- A,Riposte’s hardly needed changing or tweaking compared to her design.Distorter meanwhile is more about using sound as a weapon which can have some unique applications. Juleka’s abilities obviously needed an overhaul,as there would’ve been no way of making a heroic take on reflekta’s powers. here of course it’s more about a means of combatting a sentimonster that creates its own army,while Rose’s is more about helping out and aiding others,akin to healer type chars in rpgs and games like overwatch and team fortress 2

Theme- A,you got a heroic samurai magical girl,a disney princess with a perfume gun,a musician who can truly make music a weapon,and his perky goth sister witch,what’s not to love

Reason for Championization-can’t rate per se,but given this Au and the nature of th buttrfly,Marinette wouldn’t pick just anyone to be her champions

Effectiveness as a champion- A,chat is lucky to have this backup no doubt

Personal enjoyment of the champions-A,be it simle tweaks and overhaul of the designs,to whole new design and powersets,creative aspects like this are what I love about this AU

Nino,Alix,Sabrina,Ondine,Ivan,Mylene,aka Bubble Boy,Timestealer,vanisher,syren,stone warrior and braverator

Design- A,Nino’s is a very welcome change of pace compared to the sentient popsicle blowup clown doll from canon and play to his own personal music hobby,Alix’s is more heroic take on her canon form that still playsup the futuristic rollerblader,Sabrina and Ondine’s hardly needed much changing,though Ondine does have some tweaks here and there,like an additonal fish feature or accessories. Ivan’s livesup to the name,making for an opposing contrast as Stoneheart,while Mylene obviously needed something different,as Horrificator is likely more sentimonster material design wise.

Powers- A+,bubbler’s design was whack,but the powers as seen were definitely something,vanisher and syren’s hardly needed much adjusting either. Stone warrior of course,basically takes his stoneheart’s powers and applies them more to a heroic means.mylene’s of course is very suiting for her,an inverse to how horrificator gained more pwer and size from others’ fear of her,she takes others’ fear and inverts it into bravery.which as bee mentions,is very handy for heroes’ day. Alix’s powers of coruse,are more about taking someone’s speed to add to her own,rather than taking someones life to able to go back in time.

Theme- A,vanisher needn’t be said,but the rest are either simple but effective tweaks and adjustments on familiar designs,or something more original and memorable in its own right

Reason for Championzation-see above for previous champion pic set.

Effectiveness as champions- same as above

Personal enjoyment of the champions-same as above

Doll Angel,the Lady fairy Au’s equiv to the Collector,combining aspect of the Puppeteer akuma.

Design- A,it plays to the same soft color palette and elegant classy fairy tale design of Mari’s outfit as Lady Fairy,minus the butterfly motif. Which makes sense of course as the goal of this form is throw off any traces or connection to her secret identity. The wand of course adds to the theme,and like with her lady fairy outfit,the masks adds a nice hint of mystery and highlights as a reminder of her blindness in this au. Given this is her equivalent to collector,it does the job.

Powers- A. As bee states,it’s similar but different to puppeteer,as well as her miraculous powers. It has the personal touch of utilizing a set of items that are very personal to Mari,in many ways representing how much she cherishes and values the friends in her life,many of whom have been made her champions,so unlike puppeteer it doesn’t force them into their forms and be controlled by her. But rather uses the dolls themselves,who serve as her sort of,rpg companion team. The detail of being able to see brought her dolls’ eyes serves a nice callback to how as lady fairy she sees through her champions eyes

Theme- A,as mentioned in design,it plays to the fairy tale motif,but like collector it’s different enough 8n terms of ability and design in throwing off the fact she is the butterfly miraculous wielder.

Reason-A,obviously as well as helping out her favourite cat,the reason for making herself a champion is key to throwing off that feathered bastard off of her scent. After what Gabriel pulled in canon as the collector,what’s good for the goose and all…

Effectiveness - A. Like with the collector,it clearly serves its goal and purpose.

Personal enjoyment of the champion-A+ the sweetest design for the sweetest girl in all of Paris.

#miraculous #lady fairy au #lady fairy #butterfly marinette #butterfly!marinette #kwami swap #nooroo #marinette dupain cheng #miraculous ladybug #beebombam

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destellolunar · 4 years ago

Note

1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10,11,12,13,14,15,16,17,18,19,20 :)

Wow, thank you Ennie for literally aswking me all the questions in the ask game lol. You are such a patootie and I love you! This means the most to me!

1. If you’re an author, how many WIPs do you currently have? (Be honest!)

I’m not an author lol, buut, I have 3 edits that I’m working on right now, edits that might enclude very lil drabbles.

2. What’s next on your ‘to-read’ list? (Fan fiction or otherwise)

Nat asked me the same so because I don’t want her to kill me I will be saving this one for her. (She is scary)

3. Do you prefer canonverse or AUs?

Also for Nat :)

4. What fandom’s/ship’s fan fiction do you read the most?

Klaroline is the ship I read the most about, it’s basically everything I read fanfiction wise. But sometimes I read GOT fics (mostly fix it ones) and Marvel fics about Steve and Natasha because they are married ok?

5. What’s a crackship you love?

Also for Nat... I’m shaking.

6. What’s the last thing you read that made you laugh?

Also and last one for Nat. Sorry Ennie but I don’t want her to get mad a me, she is scary and she can threaten me with her bachelor fic :( It’s all for a great cause!

7. What’s the last thing you read that made you cry?

Ugh! This is a good one! I’m not someone that often cries with fics, I love angst and I really enjoy when authors break my heart, however, I don’t cry cry. BUT, chapter 29 from The Wolf 2 by @galvanizedfriend made my eyes watery! It was beautiful and I really loved reading Klaroline in that way after everything that happened before. I melted!

8. Bed sharing or roommates AU?

Roommates AU!

9. Fake dating or arranged marriage?

Fake dating!

10. Mutual pining or enemies to friends to lovers?

Enemies to friends to lovers. I love a good drama!

11. Kid fic or childhood friends?

I don’t really know what a kid fic means so I’m just gonna say childhood friends lol.

12. Friends with benefits or secret dating?

I have been thiking about this and nop, I can’t, I choose both! I’m trash for both!

13. Exes or established relationship?

Established relationship please.

14. (For authors) Post a line of dialogue from one of your WIPs without context.

I have none KMJHGSHJSH.

15. Post the last line you wrote without context.

Since I didn’t answered the last question, instead of posting a line I’m gonna share one paragraph lolsies

Caroline fell silent, convincing herself that it didn't mean anything, except that once it did, and admitting it felt more bittersweet than she had thought. Because that just means that unlike them, unlike the war they were facing, love does not distinguish between the righteous and the sinners, love just was, and perhaps just for that fact it was worth risking everything.

16. Describe your WIP that currently has the highest word count.

My HP au maybe? I think it has 800 words and that’s huge for me tyvm. It’s basically about KC just before the Hogwarts battle.

17. Describe a fic that is still in the 'ideas’ stage.

I have an idea for an edit, I’m want to do something that involves social media but I’m still thinking about it.

18. Do you have a fic reading/writing routine?

Not really, but when I make edits I often I listen to ASMR because I get stressed very easily.

19. What’s your favorite character headcanon?

I had to asked for help with this one because I didn’t know what a character headcanon was. But thanks to Yokipedia (Thanks Yokan!) I can proudly say my character headcanon is Klefan! They had something in the 20′s and no one can’t tell me otherwise.

20. Do you have a favorite fanfic or author? If so, tag them/post a link and share the love!

I do! So, I have plenty of favie authors because I’m not someone that can choose easily lol. I really love @thetourguidebarbie and @maevelin. I think they were the ones that made me go: Wow, KC is something huge and I’m obsessed! I can read their works over and over again and I will never get tired because they are truly something awesome!

Also, @galvanizedfriend. I will NEVER get tired of saying how much I love this author (and I’m not just being nice so please shut up). Yokan’s writing is everything to me and she is the author that I’m constlantly looking for more content from her, I can’t never get enough.

Lulu (coveredinthecolours) as well! I think Luiza has SUCH a powerful and unique writing style and I die everything she gives us more from her! And finally a recent favie has been @helpless-in-sleep ! I really love her and I think she has very interesting concepts! I really connect with her stories!

Again, thanks for asking me, Ennie! You are amazing!

#ask game #ennie being a patootie

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ickle-ronniekins · 4 years ago

Text

to have and to hold

request from nonnie: Hey I'm 17 and still sleep with stuffed animals.... can you write something where George finds out and teases you about it? I know I'm a bit weird but I cuddle in my sleep so it's hoard stuffed animals or kidnap my cat (dangerous).

word count: 3.3k

pairing: george x reader

A/N: y’all i love this—totally nothing wrong with sleeping with stuffed animals, THEY’RE SO CUDDLY! and that’s what they’re for! thank you for reading and requesting, i’m so grateful for you all, and in case anyone’s wondering, i’m still irrevocably head over heels for these silly boys. also the title’s a tad misleading but there’s no marriage in this but it’s definitely all FLUFF because i’m a dork

tag list: @mintlibri @georgeweasleyx @seppys-return-to-madness @fopdoodledane @fredd-weasley @iprobablyshipit91 @darling-details @laneygthememequeen @lupinsx @keoghans @helloallthethingsilove @bobduncanlover @dreamer821 | message me if you’d like to be added darlings!

The Sorting Hat cries Ravenclaw! as a young, brown haired girl jumps from the stool and gleefully makes her way over to her respective House table.

Everyone begins to clap, and although he doesn’t feel much like it, George does too.

He’s a bit taken aback when you say to him suddenly, “I can’t believe that was us only a few short years ago.”

Just a few months ago, it seemed as though your seventh and final year at Hogwarts was still a long while away. It couldn’t be creeping up that quickly, could it? You both met only six years ago in Transfiguration, but it feels like a lifetime. George grins at the memory. But now, sitting and watching the newest first years get placed into their Houses, he’s feeling the nerves of the finality of it all—even though you’re not there yet. Not exactly.

“Strange, isn’t it?” he asks you, watching another student jump up excitedly and run to the Hufflepuff table. More claps ensue. “There’s no way this is our last year here, right? We must be dreaming, or something.”

A small smile tugs at the edges of your lips, and George feels his insides go warm. “Of course,” you reply, “we’re dreaming.”

“Would you two quit being so melancholy?” Fred takes you by surprise when he kicks both of you underneath the table. “It’s our final year! It’s exciting! We’ve got loads of mischief planned, Y/N, and we expect your help.”

You roll your eyes. “There’s absolutely no way I’m going to be able to get out of this, is there?”

The twins smile and chorus together, “Nope.” before diving head first into the feast that’s just appeared in front of you all.

“Ah well—it is exciting, isn’t it? We’ve got a lot to look forward to!” you tell them, cutting into the piece of chicken on your plate, “and besides.. with whatever you two have planned? I reckon I’m bound for some type of adventure. Things could be worse, right?”

Just then, a sickeningly sinister giggle emits from the front of the Great Hall; the three of you look at a woman dressed in all pink, whose face resembles that of an old toad, chatting animatedly with Dumbledore who’s looking positively woebegone.

“Ugh,” you say, looking back and forth between the twins, “maybe I’ve spoken too soon.”

— -

You’re tiptoeing next to George in the middle of the corridor; you keep whirling around to check if anyone’s behind you. Months, you’ve been doing this. He can’t help but grin at your flustered state. “D’you really think this is a good idea?” you ask him stealthily as the two of you meander throughout the castle halls.

“Of course,” he replies, squeezing your hand. But inside, he’s just not entirely sure. By the sounds of what Harry’s said, getting detention with Umbridge is no walk in the park. He turns back to you and continues, “Don’t worry—Harry knows what he’s doing. Plus, we haven’t been caught yet, have we?” He jabs you in the ribs and teases you, “Where’s that sense of adventure we so admire? Oi, here’s Fred and Ginny.”

Just then, the two Weasley siblings round the bend and quite literally bump into you both. Fred says quietly, “Merlin help me—I can’t ever remember where this bloody room is,”

“Seventh floor, across from the tapestry of Barnabas the Barmy,” you reply in a lowered voice, your eyes shifting across the corridors, “so you’ve got a flew floors to go, Freddie.”

Both he and George laugh; Fred continues, “You’d think after months of going to these meetings, I’d remember where it is?”

“Why am I not surprised?” Ginny elbows Fred, teasing him slightly. “C’mon then, let’s go—looks like the coast is clear,”

The four of you make your way up two more flights of steps, sneak past the tapestry, and finally find yourselves inside the Room of Requirement.

It’s an easy lesson today; with the impending Christmas holidays, everyone is in quite a chipper mood—the Room of Requirement has a light, airy feel to it, and everyone seems to be doing their best at all of the defensive magic Harry’s taught so far—even Neville! When he dismisses you for the day, noting that you probably won’t meet again until the New Year, a dramatic groan nearly shakes the room—it seems as though everyone wants to stay.

When you all land back in the common room and take a seat next to the fire, Fred immediately begins to market his and George’s products to a bunch of excited looking Gryffindors; to you, George just shrugs.

“Oh, that reminds me,” you begin, standing up from the couch and gesturing George toward the dormitory, “I think I’ve fixed that little issue with the Fever Fudge.”

George grins broadly; there’s not many people he and Fred trust with their products, but you? You’re basically a third owner. He stops short, though, at the stairs leading up to the girls dormitories. You shake your head and say, “No worry, most everyone’s gone home for the holidays already. Plus—I’ve already hoodwinked whatever spell the professors have cast.”

“So I won’t get caught, then?”

“Nah,” you reply, urging him forward, “I’m strangely brilliant at derailing bits of professional magic,”

He beams at you at this and follows up to the girls dormitory, leaving Fred with a room full of students eager to get their hands on all Weasley products.

It doesn’t look as different from the boys' dorms as he thinks; it’s pretty much the same setup, same four posters, similar looking curtains. He shrugs, thinking, Nothing to worry about, but when he notices you plop down on your bed, he suddenly feels his insides constrict. You pat the spot next to you and say, “Well c’mere, won’t you?”

He places himself down next to you, careful not to mess your very neat bedspread, while he watches you rummage through a bit of your trunk. “Ah—here we are,” you say brightly, pulling out the box of Fever Fudge you’d hidden so as not to be stolen, “good as new, Georgie. The fevers, now, should stop at the appropriate number we’ve discussed—they shouldn’t continue to spike as the evenings go on. Any problems, let me know!”

“You’re brilliant, truly,” he says, peering down at the box of his own inventions. “How did you get so bloody good at this?”

You smile sweetly at him and flip your hair, “Just got lucky, I suppose.”

He laughs and is about to head back downstairs, careful not to mess up anyone’s things, when he spots a little brown bear on your bed near your pillows. His lips curl into a grin, “Erm.. Y/N,” he begins, pointing to the stuffed bear, “what is that?”

Suddenly you jump onto your bed and try to secretly slip this tiny little animal behind all of your pillows. The rosy pink color of your cheeks is evident in the sunlight flooding the windows, “Erm—what’s what, George?”

He places the box of fever fudge down on the table next to your bed, and walks slowly over to you. With a mischievous grin on his face, he continues, “Don’t make me jump on you.”

“You wouldn’t.”

“But I would.”

And as soon as he says it, he does it; he flops down dramatically, ruining your very tidy sheets. He begins to poke you in the ribs, a tickling of some sort, to try and get you to move. It seems to work, because he grabs the bear from behind your back and you both fall backwards, next to one another, laughing quite animatedly.

He waits with bated breath for you to explain yourself. “Shove off, Georgie,” you say, stealing the bear back from him, twirling it in your fingers and peering at it. You offer to continue, “My mum gave him to me when I was a baby. When I was born. A little ‘coming home’ gift, if you will.”

“You mean to tell me,” George begins, “that you’ve had this for seventeen years?”

You roll your eyes and stifle a bit of laughter. You roll off of the bed, stand up, and place the bear delicately into your trunk. You pull George into an upright position and say, “This conversation’s over. C’mon—let’s bring Fred the fixed Fever Fudge,”

“This conversation is certainly not over,” he teases.

“It’s a source of comfort, you git!” you reply, slapping him playfully across his chest.

“Comfort,” he echoes through a chuckle, “right. And he’s here now because.. you need comforting after a long Potions lesson with Snape?”

You slap him again as you both begin to laugh. “Yes,” you tell him straightforwardly, “and there’s nothing wrong with that. Sometimes, after a long day, I just need something to hug, to hold whilst I sleep, alright? Quit the teasing,”

Suddenly, the overwhelming urge to pull you into an embrace washes over George; he wants, more than anything, to just curl up with you on your bed right now, and to hug you for as long as you need. He’s about to do so, when you pull him by his hand and say, “Oh come on—can’t leave your brother waiting, can we?”

George can’t help himself; he just needs to tease you. Just a little bit more. He begins to tickle your waist when he calls in a sing-song voice down the stairs, “Oh, Freddie!”

You turn and grab his arms; even though he’s feeling rather mischievous, the butterflies are swirling around his stomach, as well. A sinister smirk tugs at the edges of your lips and he feels as though his entire body goes rigid when you wink at him, “Don’t you dare.”

— -

When Ginny enters the portrait hole, she’s surprised to see George slumped in an armchair and not with Fred, off creating some sort of chaotic mischief right underneath Umbridge’s nose.

“No pranks today?” she asks, sinking beside him on the couch.

“Reckon you didn’t see Angelina hanging all over Fred in the Great Hall, then?”

“Guess I must’ve missed it,” she rolls her eyes, and they both smile. “Speaking of—how are things going with Y/N?”

George is slightly taken back; he peers at Ginny with a confused expression and she just shakes her head at him. He knows that everyone else sees right through him, but he never expected his younger sister to bring it up. Guess he’s the type of bloke who wears his heart on his sleeve. “Erm, I mean—things are fine.”

“Things are most certainly not fine. Why haven’t you told her?”

George has been preparing for this—whether it was to come from a sibling or a friend—he knew, down the line, someone would question him as to why you two aren’t together. He slumps back into the couch and twirls his wand in both his hands. “Well—‘cause, we’re leaving soon, aren’t we? Fred and me. Just doesn’t make sense at this point.” He sinks a little lower, and his face turns sullen. “I’ve missed my chance. It’s too late, Gin.”

Just then, you pop inside with Dean and Seamus, giggling animatedly about some silly joke one of them made, and you raise your hand to George and Ginny before quickly heading upstairs to the girls dormitory to change out of your uniforms. There’s a tug at George’s heart—if only he could sneak up there without anyone seeing.

“Hey,” Ginny snaps her fingers at him, interrupting his thoughts and bringing him out of his daydream-like state, “It’s never too late.”

“You think?”

Ginny raises her eyebrows when she notices you coming back down the stairs and making a b-line right toward them. Quietly, she tells him, “I reckon she’ll think the same.”

When you seat yourself down next to them and Ginny quickly changes the conversation, George can’t help but grin goofily at the bunny slippers you have on. You sit yourself comfortably on the couch next to him, cross your legs, and blow lightly on your steaming cup of tea while Ginny relays the story of her brilliant Bat Bogey hex in the last DA meeting to you. Each and every time you smile broadly, George can feel himself shifting closer and closer to you.

— -

“The devil incarnate, she is,” Ron tells his siblings darkly. He peers down at the top of his hand, running his fingers over his silky smooth skin, knowing exactly what is about to happen as the DA prepares for a detention with Umbridge.

Harry shakes his head and replies, “Just try not to think on it all too much. It’ll be over before we know it.” He’s still looking on edge, sleep deprived. The whispers of other members can be heard slightly as Umbridge makes her way down the corridors.

“How is this even legal?”

“Where’s Professor Dumbledore? She can’t possibly get away with this.”

The Great Hall is darker than normal; the hour and a half spent there is some of the most draining George has felt in his entire life. It’s as if the writing alone is setting his soul on fire. Or, perhaps, is it the weak smile and look of pure anguish you give him from a few rows over? He can’t help but feel extremely protective, and he’s shooting daggers at Umbridge each and every chance he gets.

When you’re all finally released, Umbridge giggles in a mocking, satisfied tone. She makes her way back to her office as all of the members of the DA walk begrudgingly back to their common rooms, completely ignoring the apologies of Marietta Edgecombe, who, by the looks of it, is now regretting her decision of giving up the DA to Umbridge.

The Gryffindor common is filled with students looking positively sullen, almost each and every one of them running their fingers over their red, raw, and bloodied hands. George hops through the portrait hole and notices you in the corner, talking animatedly with Ginny and Fred.

“I swear,” Fred’s saying as George sits himself down next to you, “she’s barking mad.”

“You’d think she’d end up in Azkaban after pulling a stunt like this,” you agree, tracing the outline of the cuts on your hand with your finger, “but I reckon she can get away with anything.”

“I reckon you’re right,” George says, leaning his arms on his knees. He takes a deep breath and opts to continue, “how could she possibly get away with something like this?”

Ginny offers, “It’s the bloody Ministry.”

There’s a collective groan from all of you. Ginny shakes her head and continues, “Mum and Dad are going to go wild, you know; this isn’t over. By the way, speaking of Mum and Dad—you two planning on telling them that you’re leaving in a few weeks time?”

George suddenly feels his heart stop. Next to him, you look frantically back and forth between him and Fred, a confused expression plastered across your face. Fred is shaking his head, Ginny’s cheeks are flooding with color, and George is dreading the next conversation.

“You’re—you’re leaving?” you ask, stunned. “When?”

“Gin, we only told you because you overheard us the other night,” Fred says through gritted teeth. Then, he softens and says to George, “but.. I reckon it’s maybe time we tell a few people, eh Georgie?”

“Oh no,” Ginny says sheepishly, looking down at the floor. But you just grin weakly at her as she pulls Fred to his feet and they make their way over to the other end of the common room, most likely to tell Ron of their plans. You hope Ginny isn’t feeling too guilty.

George swallows thickly and then begins, “I should’ve told you sooner. I’m sorry.”

You shake your head at his apology, “You don’t need to apologize to me.” You place your hand over his and wait with bated breath for him to tell you what’s going on. You smile broadly at him when he begins to explain.

“We’re, erm, heading out a bit early, you see,” George begins, his eyes shifting from yours to the floor, “we’ve got these grand plans for a business to open up—in Diagon Alley, actually.. sell our inventions. Reckon it could become quite successful if we market correctly—”

His heart is thundering against his rib cage, surely trying its best to escape his chest, and he’s nervous that you’re not going to approve, you’re going to be angry, you won’t ever talk to him again. But to his surprise, you throw your arms around him excitedly and pull him into a bone crushing hug. He’s relaxing in your arms as he listens to your squeals of delight, breathing in the scent of your hair, focusing on the way your body feels beneath his fingertips. And when you pull away from him and shake his shoulders slightly, with both a bright smile on your face and tears in your eyes, you tell him, “I’m so proud of you!”

You’re talking quickly, shaking your head admiringly, throwing your hands into the air and running them through your hair, chuckling lightly, blinking quickly to push back any tears rising to the surface, but he can’t even hear what you’re saying. All George can hear is the pounding in his ears from the steady beat of his own heart, and not before long, he’s laughing at your exasperated state and is leaning in to kiss you, pressing his lips gently to yours and melting into something that’s been building up for years and years. The tension and surprise is subsiding, and you’re playing absentmindedly with the soft hairs at the nape of his neck and you’re both ignoring the annoying whistles from his siblings near the fireplace, and you’re quite certain that George is making a rather inappropriate hand gesture at them across the room for interrupting your moment.

When you two finally part, George grins broadly at you, his hands still shaking slightly due to the adrenaline rush and he asks you, not bothering to answer Fred’s whistles at all, “You’re not mad?”

“Mad?!” you cry out, still obviously rather electrified from both the news and the kiss, “No! I’m not mad.. how could I be? I’m so excited for you both. I hope you’ll know I’ll be coming round to visit all the time.”

“Well, you better,” he replies cheekily, pulling at the collar of your shirt. Then, “I’m really going to miss you these last few weeks.”

“I’ll miss you, too,” you reply breathlessly, and he now feels a tug at his heartstrings. He’s feeling nervous. Off balance. Do you still want to be with him after he leaves? Can you two survive on letters alone until after you graduate? “Do you, erm—I mean, I know I’m leaving, but—”

You cup his face in your hands, running your thumbs over the light stubble on his cheeks. A feeling of warmth overtakes him when you grin, peering into his yearning eyes, “We’ll make it work.”

He pulls you into his arms, and the calls from Fred and the others don’t seem to subside in the slightest. “We’re being summoned,” you tell George, leaning back against his chest. You pull out some of their inventions from your own pocket, things they’d given you early on; a pygmy puff, a screaming yo-yo, extendable ears, and more. You begin fiddling with them in your fingers and George grins against your shoulder.

“D’you want to go?”

You intertwine one of your hands in his. “Just hold me for a while first, would you?”

He giggles softly and wraps his arms tighter around you. Teasing begins to bubble up inside him and he can’t help it, he just has to say it. “Don’t you want to go and get your bear first?”

He expects the playful slap across his chest, he grins goofily when you begin to laugh, but what he doesn’t expect is what you say next. He’s practically putty in your hands when he pulls you closer and breaths in your scent when you reply,

“Reckon I don’t need it—I’ve got something else to hold, now.”

reblogs + feedback are always appreciated! thanks for reading darlings, ily so <3

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spring-books · 4 years ago

Text

for the last couple of days ive been riled up as fuck by some absolutely rancid takes about how cql is a better narrative than mdzs. nothing new, just the usual trash about mxtx’s writing being homophobic for - spins roulette wheel of contrived reasons. honestly, the antis cycle through some truly astonishing leaps of logic to suit their biases and will say pretty much anything to prove their non existent points.

anywho, i got mad, and basically did the virtual equivalent of snapping at someone, cause they were regurgitating the same asinine takes that have been discussed and explained to death by multiple blogs. i didnt mean for it to be a personal attack on any specific blog, it was just the post right at the top of my dash on a particularly bad day.

i dont mean to guilt anyone or be rude about anyone’s personal preferences for a certain adaptation or medium. that is not my intent at all. if you like cql over mdzs, good for you. enjoy yourself and indulge in fandom in whatever way brings you joy without hurting other people!

the thing that really gets my goat (and what my earlier comment was actually about) is people specifically coming into the tags for the novel and spreading shit all over the space for fans of the novel with biased lies and misinformation about the canon, to sound morally superior.

if you are of the earlier type of blogger, please continue and i wish you a very pleasant day! but, if you’re the second type of blogger, i hope you step on multiple legos for the reasons stated under the cut, cause this shit is about to be long.

there are many very valid reasons that you could legitimately dislike the novel or critique it for. but, somehow cql only people never bring up any actual literary analysis or critique apart from the much reused and recycled ‘homophobic stereotypes’, ‘sexual deviancy’, and *checks smudged handwriting on hand* ‘for using narrative devices, genre tropes and generally having plot that isnt paper thin and has nuance’.

this isnt a particularly new fandom, tho i did come into it later than most. so, i really thought that the fandom would be much more settled and all of the early discourse about misunderstanding the source material that new fandoms have, would have been put to rest. i couldnt have been more wrong unfortunately.

digging even very shallowly into the tags for the novel throws up so much extra context, meta, clarification and discussion lovingly and painstakingly written and compiled by blogs and chinese fans, about the same exact topics that cql only people like to bandy about. but, it also brings up tons of muck that castigates mxtx’s work as ‘homophobic’ and ‘glorifying sexual violence’ and all manner of other unsavoury accusations that have little to no textual evidence to back it up except for people’s bad faith attempts to take scenes and themes out of context, from the canon and tar them all with the brush of good and bad moral judgement with zero nuance.

i seem to have hit a few nerves by replying to that one blog. i was admittedly short with them and could have been nicer about the way i phrased things. but honestly, i dont really care anymore about being nice. people seem to be far ruder about and to people who care about the novel and constantly have talked over people from the community to misunderstand and vilify the author and the book. so, no i dont particularly care if i came off as rude.

from posts that were again made in the novel tag. someone seems to be questioning why i havent addressed the fact that the novel glorifies sexual violence and feeds into homophobic stereotypes, because apparently fans of a book thats just a little short of the size of the lord of the rings trilogy even without your so called dubious sexy bits, are the ones who cant read 🙄

there have been so many people who have addressed the sex scenes and your so called glorification of sexual violence, with great nuance and patience. but yall dont seem to like reading. so i’ll make it simple. ITS NOT FUCKING HOMOPHOBIC OR GLORIFYING SEXUAL VIOLENCE. TAKE A MEDIA STUDIES CLASS AND LEARN HOW TO DEVELOP SOME READING COMPREHENSION. for anyone who does care to know more, ill reblog the relevant posts right after.

ive been meaning to reread the novel anyway cause i dont think a novel of that size and density can be fully grasped with all its nuance(something cql only people wouldnt know if it hit them in the face) in the first read where you’re caught up in the plot. ‘cause the roughly 400,000 words are mainly a horror/mystery novel with a romance woven into it with a fairly deft hand.

tldr: im genuinely sorry that so many people seem to miss the very heavily bolded themes of political intrigue and the fickleness of morality that inform and strengthen the romance in the novel, instead choosing to focus on a paltry couple of chapters that arent even in the main book. im sorry that they can read something in such bad faith that a canonical gay couple getting married and living happily together in the goddam text is considered homophobic; while a product of heavy censorship created by an industry that short changes actual queer communities, whilst still baiting them for their money is considered groundbreaking gay content. if you think anyone is reading mdzs to “wank off” to gay people. you’ve either very clearly not read the book, or clearly dont know how actual erotica works.

#mdzs #mo dao zu shi #saltier than the dead sea #trust and believe i have a lot more to say #but this will work as a placeholder while i gather my thoughts outside of this angry haze

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painted-crow · 4 years ago

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Submission time #15

hi, how are you? you said you are busy with life so it's totally fine if you take a long time to answer me, if you decide to answer at all! if you do, i need help with my primary. i'm mostly between bird and lion. burned. i usually think of myself as a bird primary but i might actually be a burned lion.

i have somewhat of a bird primary, it's the way i process information, how i decide what to think of things, and how i adjust new pieces of information to my beliefs, if it changes anything, if it doesn't. basically, analysis. i will always need time before making decisions. i have to think things through.

but i second-guess myself a lot, and that leaves me not trusting anything. nothing is true, me and my fact-checking system aren't reliable, there are just too many biases, and external information isn't reliable either. all pieces of information are being used by people with their own agendas. and it's not just distrust. there is and there will always be so much that i don't know, that i don't have any ways of knowing. so how could i trust me, or anything.

Yeah, you're a burned Bird. This seems pretty clear-cut.

and, as for intuition. well, sometimes i take it into consideration. i don't understand a lot from what is intuition and what is not but, from what i understand, there is a fine line between impulses and intuition, and i don't know how to tell it apart a lot of the time. so, i have urges to do something, i have thoughts that come to me without being prompted and sometimes i trust what it is telling me as true. i'm aware of it, i follow it sometimes, whatever it is, and it exists, and it tempts me. it's a lot like i'm not comfortable with an internal system and i'm not comfortable with an external system. so. i don't know.

I think you're modeling Gryff, a little, but your model also seems singed.

(i might be going on a tangent here, but please bear with me. i wanted to ask if you relate to something i've been through. i like to understand things, and i need them to make sense. i'd like to see all sides of an argument before making my mind but sometimes that doesn't go well because i look for all sides and i get sucked into arguments from people who i shouldn't be listening to.

during my last year of high school, i sat next to a guy. and the guy had some really bad politics. his ideas were mean, cruel, messed up. but, the worst of all for me, there was logic attached to it. he had data. he had information. and that was a hard for me to deal with.

i didn't agree with anything he said, but i listened to him, i really wanted to understand how he saw the world, and why he believed the things he believed. so i listened to him. i was curious. i wanted to take into consideration what he said, to dissect it through my mind filters, my system, i guess.

it was also hard because i was less prepared than him, i had studied those subjects less, there were some data he had that i didn't know what to do with it, because it went against my moral code, and he was using all these information to confirm his ideas that were truly awful.

since then, i've realized a lot of things can be true at the same time, and that not all data, and not all information is to be trusted, if all. there are a lot of biases all around. there is not a lot i trust, and i'm trying to not say i don't trust anything but i also can't say i do.

See, this is really understandable. But, several things:

First, as you've noticed, it's impossible for one person to know everything. However, before you let someone's worldview intrude on yours (which has also been carefully established through your own experiences, your own knowledge, and your own common sense), you have to be aware of all the different biases that could be affecting them. You're not the only person whose bias needs to be checked, and not everyone checks their own (or even wants/feels the need to), and they're not going to tell you the holes in their argument.

Rather than studying the entirety of existence, study bullshit: learn to pick out logical fallacies and cognitive biases like the Dunning-Kruger effect, and always question the sources of others' information if it seems fishy. Just because they say it's from a reliable source doesn't mean it is, and their sources are also liable to be founts of unchecked bias. Even scientific papers can be full of it, unfortunately.

but anyways. back to my story. he said some of this outrageous opinions in the school group chat and people got really mad. some people even threatened him. then he came to school with a pocket-knife. i warned our school supervisor, and he got suspended.

Good on you, keeping an eye on him and reporting the brewing trouble without getting hurt yourself.

a few weeks later, i went to a protest, and he was there with a group of his same-minded friends, trying to block the protest. so. really. he was not a nice guy. he really wasn't. what he believed in was dangerous. it was bad. and i had known that for a while before i shut him down.

The thing with Lion is, it's got more of a built-in bullshit detector than Bird does. Bird feels guilty if it doesn't check all angles, even the ones Lion will dismiss immediately as idiotic. That's not always a bad thing, but sometimes it puts us through a lot of extra grief.

It sounds like you're starting to model Lion, and if you can turn that into an ability to ignore people who are just dressing up their propaganda in fake research, that's a good thing.

i feel really, really, really guilty. you have no idea. like i said, i've had never agreed with anything he said but i was listening to him anyway, i was letting him say all these things, and i was taking it into consideration to dissect it through my mind and i feel very bad for doing that.

No, I don't think you should feel guilty just for listening to him. Learning why people believe what they believe, even if you absolutely know it's not true, can be incredibly valuable. It can help you be more empathetic and more convincing, it can inoculate you against sliding into their worldview (assuming you're stable enough not to fall for it yourself), and it can be a real window into human nature and psychology.

This guy hurt you. Yeah, maybe you should have kicked him to the curb sooner, because he was so destructive, but he's the one who hurt you--your intentions weren't bad.

and that was just the worst situation, it isn't an isolated moment. less seriously, when i was in fandoms and i used to use tumblr a lot, i'd go to the tags of antis, anti ships and characters and tv shows and artists i liked, because i wanted to see if i could counter-argument what they were saying.

sometimes i couldn't so i'd stay in a limbo of liking something but unsure if it was the morally correct thing to do.

Oof. This might be getting into Exploded Ravenclaw territory? I should look those up again.

i still do a lot of sh*t like that. my friends joke that i like to make myself miserable and that i go out looking for reasons to stress myself. and you know, they might have a point but the thing is that this is who i am, how i am, i need to do it, it's the right thing to do, and i'll keep doing it. i just don't know how to do it in a way that is healthy, and i don't even know how to trust information anymore.)

Your Gryff model seems like a healthy way to keep these tendencies in check. You can still question things, but remember the 80/20 rule, you know? And take care of yourself: you can't make good judgments if your mental health is in the toilet.

as for the test,

I've trimmed this section for length/ease of reading, I hope you don't mind! But I did read everything, and yeah, it's more of the same: you're a very clear burned Bird with a semi-struggling Gryff model.

I hope that helps!

-Paint

#sortinghatchats #burned ravenclaw primary #gryffindor primary model #shc models #shc burned models #shc burned houses #ravenclaw primary #submission #paint speaks #q

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galacticnova3 · 3 years ago

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Ok I had thoughts in the shower that are kinda serious/about something mature and I felt compelled to share. CW for discussion of prosh/pp/ng. If you do that and somehow found this, not sorry, this post isn’t for you, also stop doing that and get help. Won’t tolerate any clowning either.

I think the main reason “proshippers” get away with That a lot is because in many cases they’re warping actual fair arguments. Like, yes, there is not necessarily something majorly wrong with portraying unhealthy relationships, because they exist in real life, and ultimately all art reflects aspects of real life. It’s in the same boat as the fact that it’s not bad to portray bad people or horrific events. However, all of that hinges on whether or not these things are being shown for what they are; if you keep saying/implying a character is good or cool or “relatable” and that character is in a situation like that– victim or perpetrator– you are automatically glorifying that thing. You can’t write it off as “just a character flaw” if it is not being portrayed as a flaw; that’s how character flaws work, because ultimately the vast majority of flaws can also be virtues under the right conditions, and vise versa.

Then people make the argument “well authors/artists/etc don’t have to spoon feed what is and isn’t ok to their audience”, and while that is true on some level, that does not mean they have no responsibility at all. Not just to people consuming that content, but to themselves. If you write something terrible and put it in a good light, or what can be reasonably interpreted as a good light, you can’t get mad if people assume you are supporting that thing. In that situation you have not given any true evidence that you don’t; “I’m not x” isn’t enough, because people can lie. Generally, most murderers don’t answer honestly if someone asks them if they killed someone or not. Actions speak louder than words, and if your action is writing, you are responsible for what that writing reflects on you and your views. If people come after you for it, that’s a sign that you should reflect on what you’ve written, and what message it is sending. Even if you had good intentions, people don’t see your intentions, they see what you produced, and sometimes the two don’t line up. Cancel culture is a pain in the ass, but so is the fact that the proship movement allows legitimately disgusting people to thrive under the cover of plausible deniability.

In the case of fan content, there’s the simple fact that not all franchises are safe mediums for making that stuff. It’s not censorship for someone to tell you not to make that content if you’re making it with the characters/the universe of a children’s franchise. Because ultimately, that franchise is going to be majorly consumed by children. It doesn’t matter how well you tag things or how many warnings you put on it, because ultimately the internet is going to put that thing in front of eyes that can be harmed by it. I am saying this as someone who’s first exposure to porn, before I was even in highschool, was Kirby fanart on Google images, despite having safe search on. In the grand scheme of the Internet, the only control you really have is whether you put something on it or not, and where you put that thing, and this is a situation where that is an incredibly important decision. Do you post it on social media where it could very easily be exposed to people who should not be exposed to that, whether because of algorithms or others being less responsible? Do you post it privately in a place where you know(or assume) the other people there are responsible and not going to circulate it? Or, do you keep that content to yourself?

That is not you being asked to be a “second parent”, this is not a “think of the children!” argument. Or, rather, it is a case of the latter, but one that is justified. If you’re making that content with original characters, or characters from a mature franchise, thinking of the children isn’t a priority because the children aren’t supposed to be there, just like you’re not responsible if you’ve been made to share a house with a kid that ends up finding your stash of Mature Things. Whether it was them snooping around without permission or you told them to stay away from that drawer and they didn’t listen, that’s the kid’s fault either way, and thus you bear basically no responsibility. However, if you make that content in a franchise that is consistently, obviously, and intentionally made to be consumed by children, even if it can also be enjoyed by adults? That’s different. That’s like walking into a playground with a porn magazine; it doesn’t matter if people your age can enjoy some of the things there, like the swings or basketball court. You need, and are expected, to take into account that kids are not only likely going to be there, but are encouraged to be there. You walking in with that magazine is you willingly choosing to expose or risk exposing minors to content they should not be exposed to, no matter how you spin it. You could read that magazine anywhere else, and you chose the area with kids in it.

Lastly, while I could make the argument of what reasoning there may be for wanting to make That Stuff with characters from a children’s series and then share it online in the first place, that’s been done by plenty of other people. Besides, I have a better argument: there is nothing stopping you from making that content with different characters anyways, be they your own or just from a franchise with a mature audience. You are not forced or limited to only portray a certain dynamic with certain specific characters. If the setting/universe is a factor, just make your own version with the relevant things in common, maybe change some terms and names, and there, problem solved. It’s not plagiarism if it is going to be utilized in a vastly different way, and as long as it does not just flat out copy every single aspect of the original. Something something a lot of fiction is derivative. Doing this could also allow a place for others to make similar content in what could eventually be your own “series”, without nearly the same level of risk of harm. If it is truly a case of just wanting to explore the dynamic, you can do so without having it be inherently tied to content made for young audiences, and if you have the skills and critical thinking necessary to understand both what makes it “special” with those characters, you should also be able to recreate the same thing in a safer environment.

I know I kinda focused a lot on “kid’s franchises” with this but the same things apply with other content. I.E. don’t make content that depicts mentally ill folks as dangerous where it could hurt/offend real mentally ill people and misinform those who don’t know the reality of mental illness. “Common sense” isn’t real; all “common sense” is learned, and not everyone has learned the same things you have at any given point. How else would ridiculous rumors and such spread, if everyone knew the truth?

TLDR:

-The issue isn’t you making the content, it’s you glorifying the content. Whether you intended to or not isn’t the point.

-You don’t have to spoon feed morals to your audience, but if people reasonably interpret unhealthy things shown in a light that isn’t explicitly or implicitly negative as your quiet support, that’s on you. You need to be sure that the message your content actually sends/how it reflects your views lines up with the message you intended to send and the views you actually have. Don’t blame others if you were the one who failed to communicate effectively.

-In the case of franchises specifically aimed at children, you posting that content is you saying you value sharing that content over the well-being of those likely to see that content. You had the choice to keep the risk of harm at 0%, but decided not to.

-That fact is not a “think of the children” argument, it is simply making the same point as someone telling you not to bring pornography into a kid’s playground, even if that playground has facilities others your age also enjoy. You are bringing adult content into a kid-oriented area, you cannot act like it is the fault of a kid for finding it when in some cases they weren’t even looking.

-There is ultimately no excuse for making that content within a children’s franchise, because there is nothing forcing you to remain in that setting and use those characters; if the dynamic is something you really want to explore, you can recreate it without ties that could lead minors to it.

-Though I used kid’s franchises as my main focus, this applies to any groups that your content could potentially harm or misinform. “It’s just common sense” is not a defense for the latter, because “common sense” has to be learned, and not everyone learns everything at the same time or by the same age.

#ask to tag #rambling #cw proship #ok to rb #just my thoughts on the matter #lemme know if this needs more tags I’m tired af and just kinda spat all this out #also yes I know this is basically the same as taking a bat to a hornet nest no I don’t care #let the hornets come I’ll fight them #or block rather #I will not give the hornets my time or attention

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donghyuwus · 4 years ago

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Renjun | Fortunate Events

pairing: renjun x gender neutral reader

genre: fluff, tiny bit of angst and some heated stuff at the end (don’t worry nothing special)

warnings: none really excpet the makeout session at the end :)

words: 2011

authors note: hihi, hope this one does show up in the tags *gives tumblr an annoyed face* anyways the beginning of this has been in my drafts for a while and i got bored and bold so i decided to finish it today. hope u guys like it :)

disclaimer: english is not my first language so sorry for my spelling or grammar mistakes, i tried my best.

“Are you sure you want to go?”

You glanced over at Renjun trough the mirror, who was sitting at the end of your bed. Concentrated he looked at his fingers which he was playing with. A frown was placed on his forehead and his lips were sticking out in a pout. Quietly you chuckled at him while shaking your head.

“You know he isn’t the worst, why do you dislike him so much?” While waiting for an answer you returned to getting yourself ready. A few days ago you had been asked on a date by Lee Jeno. To your surprise actually. You didn’t quite have a crush on him or anything, you never really developed crushes anymore since kindergarten. Honestly you didn’t know why, so you just settled with the thought that your mind was too busy with other stuff instead of guys. But when Jeno asked you out you thought you had to give it a try. Jeno was nice and quite good-looking so why not give it a go right? However you found it weird that he asked you since you always thought he liked someone else. Honestly the whole school thought so. But oh well, things change, am I right?

Behind you you heard the boy sigh before he stood up and walked over only to stop right behind you. His eyes scanned your reflection in the mirror and you could swear he smiled for a split second, only to it being replaced by the pout right after. “I know. Jeno is nice and all, but you don’t even like him. For a fact you never liked anyone y/n.” Annoyed you stopped what you were doing and turned around to look him right in the eye. “Stop with saying that Ren, don’t you want me to be happy or anything?”

His big eyes stared at you and you let out a pissed huff. “You know, I’ve could have gone on so many dates but I didn’t. Always because you had something important which caused me to cancel it and rush over to you. Only to my surprise it not being that important after all.” With big steps you stomped over to your jacket. Just as you were about to leave you turned around and looked at him. “Now tell me Renjun, what are you gonna say this time to make me stay?”

You could see his eyes looking down defeated and deep inside you could feel your heart break seeing him hurt. But you were holding strong. A few seconds passed by and you could see him opening his mouth, only to it being closed again right after. You huffed once again and as you closed the door you could swear he said something but you were too worked up to hear it.

As expected you arrived there way too early. Not wanting to go into the cinema alone you decided to wait outside. First it started with a few minutes, but minutes turned into hours and soon you were almost freezing and hurt. Honestly you didn't expect Jeno not to come, he wasn't the type to let someone hanging like that. So with a sigh you started thinking about options to go home. The busses already stopped riding for the day so that wouldn't be a solution, besides that you had already spent all your money on getting here, not bringing more because Jeno told you he would give you a ride back. Walking home wouldn't be that smart because it was cold, almost dark and way too far. Immediately someone popped up in your head, but being the stubborn and petty idiot you were you ignored the thought and instead thought that walking would be a good idea.

Not even 10 minutes later you were starting to lose feeling in your hands because of the cold and you were getting a bit too paranoid knowing you were all alone in the dark, on an empty road. So eventually you gave up the battle against yourself and grabbed your phone. You dialled in his number and waited for him to pick up, witch didn't take long.

"Y/n? Are you okay? Why are you calling? Aren't you with Jeno?” His voice sounded worried and petty at the same time and you frowned, why did this kid hate Jeno that much? You shuffled around a bit before answering.

“Well,, uh,, my date stood me up. Can you please pick me up? I'm freezing to death here.” Not even a second later he asked where you were and without saying anything else he hung up. It didn't take him long to arrive and when he did you could see his face full of worries as soon as he stepped out of the car to open the door for you.

When he closed the door after sitting down himself a silence fell over the both of you. His eyes went to look at you. Renjun has stared at you numerous of times. All those times nothing would resolve of them. But this time you could feel yourself tension up. You didn't dare to look at him for some reason. Maybe you were afraid he was gonna scold you for going out with someone he didn't want you to and ending up like this. Or maybe he would be disappointed.

“I’m sorry.” You froze at his words. From everything that you had predicted, you hadn’t expected this. Why wasn’t he mad because you didn't listen to him? Your eyes met his and in the soft light that came from some lanterns Renjun looked more beautiful than ever and you held in your breath while looking at his face. You have seen his face so many times, with all different emotions displayed on them. But for some reason the one he displayed now was foreign to you. It gave you a weird feeling in your stomach and you quickly shook your head before turning your eyes to the road.

“It’s okay,” you whispered, “after all I should have listened. Look at me now I'm an ice cube." You chuckled at yourself quietly as you stared at your fingers. Soon after a silence fell over the both of you and the only noise heard was the engine of the car as it was still on to provide some heat.

"Hey Ren-" you turned your head to look at him, only to swallow all your words because of the closeness of his face. His eyes stared into yours before they went down to your lips. Never in your life had you felt the things you were feeling in that moment. Since when did Renjun make you this nervous? Why was he even this close? Why did you want him to press his lips against yours?

He seemed to read your mind and started leaning in as he slowly closed your eyes. You mirrored his moves.

Ring.

Your lips almost touching and your faces inches apart you shot up when your phone ringed. A sigh escaped out of the boy next to you when you answered.

A familiar voice on the other line began speaking: 'Hey it's Jeno, I'm so sorry for what happened today. It's a long story but basically my best friend needed me, it was an emergency. I'll make it up to you another time, I promise.' It was silent for a moment on your side of the line, processing his words. 'It's okay Jeno, really. Is everything okay with your friend?' 'Yeah, yeah he is alright now. Anyways I'll take you on another date to make it up to you, if you want to of course.' You fumbled your fingers, thinking of a way to say the thing you wanted to. Beside you Renjun was holding his breath and was completely still, you were sure he could hear what Jeno was saying.

'I'm sorry Jeno but I don't think I really want to. Today I realized that somebody who I used to perceive as just a friend, means a little more to me than just that. I think I like him.' It was quiet for a while and you were nervous, afraid that you had hurted him. While beside you Renjun was even stiller than before, did he die? You were almost sure your heart was beating a way out of your chest, nervous for how he would think of what you just confessed. 'That's totally fine y/n. If I'm gonna be totally honest I think I have feelings for someone who I saw as just a friend too. Haha I think that maybe this was meant to happen today. I hope everything works out with you and him. I wish you two the best.' 'Thanks Jeno, I wish the same for you.' 'Bye y/n.' 'Bye, bye.' And with that the conversation ended. You swallowed hard and put your phone back down in your purse. Too afraid to face the boy beside you, you stared outside of the window in front of you. It had started raining, you looked at the drops racing down the window.

'He likes you too.' Your head jolted in his direction. 'Who does?' You asked caught off guard by his sudden speaking. He rolled his eyes annoyed before he leaned forward and connected your lips with his. His hands cupping your now increasingly hot face. It felt like your heart stopped beating. He stopped after a good minute and moved his face to your ear. 'I do, silly.' As a whisper it came out, his lips touching your ear while saying the words. It felt like you were getting a fever, like you went crazy. Before you could respond, he had moved his head again and reconnected both of your lips. Now being much less gentle. One of his hands was still cupping your jawline and part of your cheek, while the other was now in your hair, rummaging trough it. Feeling like a dumb statue with your hands glued to your side, you decided you could use some action as well and so you put both your hands in his hair.

You had played with his hair before but not in this way. It felt different, everything did, like this was a whole new Renjun. You loved both versions of him but this one made you go absolutely nuts. His hair felt even more amazing than usual, soft and fluffy. His lips felt like they were made for yours. You could shoot yourself for not finding out sooner that this has been what you always wanted since you met Renjun, wanting to be more than friends. That's why you never truly liked anyone, why dates never happened a second time and why nobody made their way into your heart. It was because Renjun already had a place there and a big one too.

His tongue went across your lower lip, asking for permission, which you gave him. While he was exploring your mouth your hands traveled down his neck and under his shirt. You didn't know where you got to courage from but it was soon gone when Renjun stopped and grabbed your hands, removing them from his skin. He was smiling, looking insanely good. His lips red and plump from the kissing, his cheeks tinted red and his hair messy but oh so gorgeous. 'Not now baby. Maybe later.' A peck was placed on your cheek but you were honestly not paying much attention, still stuck on the name he just called you. You were sure you were the brightest tint of red you ever have been. While you were daydreaming he repositioned himself in his seat and started the car again. 'First let's get you something to eat. You must be starving.' Nodding your head you got yourself together and fixed your hair.

'So where are we going? McDonalds? KFC?' He looked over at you and you smirked. 'Your house.' A claugh escaped his mouth at your brave statement and he reached out to pinch your cheek before driving off.

'McDonalds it is.'

FIN

heya, if you liked this and would like to support me and my work consider buying me a kofi for 2 euro’s trough the link in the descripition, it would mean a lot to me! but don’t feel forced to of course, it’s totally optional <3

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fireinmoonshot · 5 years ago

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REBEL ONE SHOT / EPILOGUE | A FIELD OF FLOWERS | ARMITAGE HUX x READER

Summary: Three months after the end of Rebel, you and Armitage spend a blissful afternoon together in a field of flowers on a surprisingly sunny Arkanis day, bringing to light things you’ve been wondering about for months. Pairing: female!Reader x Armitage Hux Fandom: Star Wars Word Count: 2286 Warnings: THE RISE OF SKYWALKER SPOILERS, toothrotting fluff. A/N: SURPRISE! As a little gift for Star Wars Day – May the Fourth be with you all! – I piped out this little baby this afternoon. Basically, for those of you who read and loved Rebel a few months ago... here’s a sneaky sort of one shot, set three months after the final chapter! I had so much fun writing this and revisiting these two. I truly hope you enjoy it and that you’re all having a wonderful day celebrating Star Wars. May 4th is basically over here in Australia but I rewatched A New Hope this afternoon and my love for Star Wars is stronger than ever. I hope, in these crazy, rocky times, this little piece of writing will bring some sunlight to your days! (I also tagged those who I had in my taglist for the original parts, just on the chance some of you would want to read this since you wanted to be tagged for the original!! :))

READ THE ORIGINAL FIC – REBEL – BELOW!

Armitage is smiling. That’s the first thing you see as you round the bend and come upon a large field filled with white and yellow flowers. He kneels in the middle of it, the sun beaming down upon him and making his red hair look even brighter than usual. The rain had subsided for the morning and the flowers in the field that were usually weighed down with rain and surrounded by mud are thriving in the warmth the sun provides.

What really stands out, though, is the small village child running circles around him.

The boy’s mother stands beside you, a smile on her own face as she watches her son enjoying his time in the sun. Arkanis rarely ever had days without rain, and when it did, no one remained in their homes at all. You’d taken to going on a walk with her, a woman who’d become your friend over the last three months since you’d made Arkanis a kind of home, and Armitage had insisted he’d be okay to take care of her son while you walked.

She turns to you as she sees them playing. “I mean no offence when I say I doubted him before,” she speaks. “But he certainly seems to have proven himself. I’ve never seen Rhys so happy around a man who isn’t his father.”

You watch as the boy stops running in circles, clearly dizzy, but despite the dizziness, proceeds to leap right into Armitage’s arms. The force knocks Armitage, laughing, back into the flowers behind him.

While rare, and though you had heard his laughter before, it still ran through you with a beam of shock every time you witnessed it and every time you swore you fell a little bit more in love with him.

Leaving the First Order, taking your hand, had done him more good than either of you had imagined.

The boy’s mother looks back towards them. “Have you thought about children?”

Briefly, you scrunch up your nose. The cursed question, it seemed. You had, though. Both of you had had versions of that conversation, though they had ended at the exact same point every time, and you weren’t mad about it. Armitage was honestly terrified of becoming a father out of fear of unwittingly becoming like his own. He’d promised that if the time ever came, he would try his best not to be like his father, and he’d made sure you knew that. But then he’d admitted a worse fear – the fear that in some distant part of the universe, an inkling of the First Order remained. One that would, when your child grew up, reemerge. That it would do just what his First Order did. Take children from their parents and force them into being stormtroopers, or worse.

It had been hard for him to admit that fear, and you’d seen that as he said it. While you preferred not to think about possibilities like that, you understood his fear. And so you’d come to a simple conclusion: maybe. Maybe one day. But if that one day never came, that would be okay too. And both of you were entirely okay with that one day not being today or tomorrow or the next day.

Today, tomorrow and the next day were reserved for the both of you and you alone.

Still, the sight of Armitage playing with Rhys in the field thrills you immensely, and not just because of how lovely it is to see him with a child he clearly cares for, but also because of how happy it makes him.

He’d been filled with more happiness than you’d ever seen over the past few months on Arkanis, and you were grateful for that. You knew he’d lived a life with very little joy before he took your hand, and so he took extra pleasure in the little joys that seemed to follow him around like a not-so-pesky bug on Arkanis.

You shrug a shoulder and turn to your friend – Dina. “Not yet,” you admit, lying to her in your answer but knowing it’s for the best. Prying eyes still followed you around here on occasion and you didn’t need more on baby watch. It had only been three months, after all. Virtually no time had passed. “It’s still early days.”

She nods understandingly and doesn’t seem to want to say anything else on the matter, so slowly you break away from her and begin to walk towards Armitage and Rhys, still playing in the field. Rhys has moved to sit atop Armitage’s chest and is yelling about how he’s “taken down the big, scary monster” and you’re glad to see that childhood fun on a topic like that didn’t seem to bother Armitage.

He clutches at his chest. “No, no – he got me! Rhys got me! I’m–”

“No, the monster doesn’t know my name.” Rhys drops the act for a second to tell Armitage of this crucial fact before jumping straight back into his games.

You watch as Armitage blushes a shade of bright pink for just a second before continuing to join in with Rhys on his game. It’s only when Rhys eventually looks up and sees his mother wandering a few steps behind you that he pushes himself off of Armitage’s chest – rather forcefully – and begins sprinting towards her.

Armitage stays lying in the grass as you reach his side.

“Does the monster want to lay in the grass forever?” You ask, looking down at him.

His hair is messy, just like you’d seen it many times before. He’d given up on using hair gel months ago and you’d gotten used to the messy, floppy hair it was sometimes. You particularly enjoy how messy it would be after a nights sleep. He did not. And the beard he’d grown during his time on Ajan Kloss had gotten rather messy when he slept too. It was part of the reason he’d shaved it off, and while you miss it sometimes, a slight scruff still remains that makes him look not quite as clean cut as he had when you first met him.

Gone were the days of tight fitting, ironed First Order uniforms, and here were the days of slightly baggy t-shirts and trousers that weren’t as flattering as he would have liked them to be.

Not that you cared.

“Would the princess be mad if the monster did stay in the grass forever?”

“Not at all. But she would be lonely.”

You hold out a hand to him, and his smile returns as he takes it and accepts the help to stand. He brushes himself off as soon as he’s standing, removing some of the grass from the field from the back of his shirt before looking at you.

It’s quite impossible for him to stop smiling around you.

And he still hasn’t quite gotten used to being with you always.

He leans down to press a quick, chaste kiss to your lips before reaching down to take your hand again. With your spare one, you reach up quickly to brush a stray petal out of his hair before you walk over to Dina and Rhys. He’s talking excitedly about his afternoon with Armitage, and Dina is listening deeply.

“She asked me if we’d thought about children before, you know?” You mutter up to him before you get too close. “I think people are starting to get suspicious of us.”

Armitage raises his eyebrows. “People should, frankly, mind their own business.”

You nudge him gently. “People are just curious. They’re a tight knit community. There are kids all over this place. And we’re a new, young-ish couple that are without children. They probably think there’s something wrong with us.”

“Perhaps they should look closer to home.” He shakes his head.

He rarely ever thought about his own children. But only because it wasn’t something that was necessary to him right now. He had you, and he had the other children who lived around him that seemed to like him, strangely. He had been thinking of something else, of course… but you didn’t know about that.

He’d been thinking about it ever since you attended a wedding in Arkanis a month and a half ago. Wondering what his own would look like, if he were to have one. Wondering what you would look like in a dress like the bride at that one had worn. Wondering how he would look in a suit like the groom had worn. The thought had kept him up late at night more than he’d like to admit.

The both of you reach Dina and Rhys and she looks up at you.

“Rhys was just telling me what good fun you had,” she speaks directly to Armitage. “Thank you for taking care of him, love. If you’re up for it, next time we go for a walk, you might look after him again? Only if you’d like to, of course. No pressure here.” She looks at you and it doesn’t take you long to catch her double meaning.

No pressure here for you to have your own children when you can babysit mine.

Armitage, though, is thrilled. He smiles. “If Rhys will have me back, I’d be happy to.”

Both Rhys and Dina beam at that, and soon enough they’re off, wandering back down the hill and through the small woods towards the city centre.

You and Armitage hang back. From this field, you can see half of the city in the distance, but from the other side of it, you have a perfect view of the hills and ridges that cover the planet before the lake, not too far away from here. Armitage lets go of your hand just so he can wrap an arm around your back as you wander back towards the flowers, wanting to take advantage of the sun while it lasts.

Facing out towards the hills, you and Armitage happily settle back in the flowers. Armitage sits behind you, and you lean back into his chest, the warm sun beating down on you. For a few moments there is silence.

Then, Armitage speaks.

“What do you think we could do to deter those who wants us to have a child?”

You can’t look up at him, but you furrow your eyebrows in confusion anyway. “I don’t know if there’s anything we can do. No matter what we do, people will still wonder. Even though it’s only been a few months, they’ll still wonder,” you admit. “They know how serious we are about each other. Not much would deter them.”

Armitage huffs softly. “What about…” He hesitates. Never in his life had he ever been in a position to discuss something like this with anyone before, though he supposed that the likelihood of there being a good time to discuss it was slim. “No… never-mind.”

“No, what is it?”

“What about…” He hesitates again, and then sighs. “Would marriage deter them?”

You’re spinning around to face him half way through the word marriage, unable to keep the shock and surprise off of your face as you meet his eyes. “You– marriage?”

He nods nonchalantly. “Would it?”

”I– probably not, no. It’d spur them on even more, I think.”

Armitage screws up his nose and shakes his head, disappointed. “Oh.”

“What… what makes you ask that? What makes you think of it?”

“I don’t know,” he shrugs. “Ever since we attended that wedding I’ve wondered.”

“Wondered… what?”

He meets your eyes and smiles slightly. “What it would be like to marry you. It’s a luxury I never allowed myself to think of before. Marriage. One I never wanted to, one I never thought I would get a chance to even dream of. But I heard stories sometimes, heard people in the First Order, those who worked there, sometimes mentioning husbands or wives. I always allowed myself a luxury of curiosity, but not a curiosity about my own life. About my own possible wife.”

You try and look for the right words to say, but none that come to mind seem to be right. Instead, you lean up and kiss him softly and gently, letting your lips linger for a little longer than usual before you pull away.

Armitage’s eyes are sparkling as he looks at you after. “What was that for?”

“I think I’d like to call you my husband one day.”

His lips twitch. “We could do it, if you’d like.”

“People would be even more invested in us having children, though.”

“I’d get better at ignoring them.”

You’re unable to stop yourself from snorting in laughter at him. Sometimes he surprised you in his kindness and sincerity, and other times he was just like the Armitage you’d met on his ship months ago. Just as cold, just as unfeeling, but different – always with an undercurrent of warmth. This was one of those moments.

“You don’t think it’s too soon? To get married?”

He shook his head. “If there’s one thing I learnt after taking your hand and letting you save my life, it’s that life is not long enough to wait around for things you know you want.” He swiftly kisses you once more. “And I can guarantee I’d like to call you my wife even more than you want to call me your husband.”

You narrow your eyes. “I don’t know… that’s a pretty heavy bet…”

“It’s one I’ll win,” he assures you happily.

He’d had the odds against him for much of his life. This time, the odds were in his hands, and he was going to do with them whatever he pleased. This time, that included marrying the love of his life.

–

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