#what's that one part of climbing uphill? it's like 'I am a good person. I'm an attractive person. I am a TALENTED PERSON. Grant me grace'

[musical-chick-13]

The constant mental tension between, “Please tell me you won’t hate me if I make bad art” and “Asking for reassurance can be a compulsion.”

[carriesthewind]

I can't stop thinking about the notes on this rage-bait post about To Kill a Mockingbird.

Some of it is the sheer number of people falling for the bait and believing that the school district in question banned the novel:

But there's also this...tone to so many of the notes that I find fascinating. And I think two sets of comments illustrate why:

Every time I look at these tags I feel like there is something more to unpack. If I am being kind of flip, I can roll my eyes at someone "sigh[ing] at the lack of reading comprehension" while falling for outrage bait.

But more seriously, I feel like this comment is completely right about needing to be uncomfortable and leave sterile environments in order to grown and change...but that comment exists in the context of the writer being so deeply uncomfortable at the mere idea that an over 60 year old book will no longer be taught to some children that they completely fail to interrogate the underlying story. There's a failure to take the next step. It's possible the writer was uncomfortable when they first read the novel, but to quote a tag I didn't capture here, it's "one of [their] favorite books." The book doesn't make *them* uncomfortable at all. The writer is not willing to interrogate that the school district might have had good reasons for switching the book out of the curriculum. Instead, they assume that the reasons are because "people don't understand" the book - the writer "see[s] what they look for."

I love To Kill a Mockingbird. (Hell, I'm one of those white future-public defenders who read the book and saw the movie and watched Atticus with my soul in my throat and, while I was not directly inspired by him, he resonated with a deep part of me.) It would be an uphill debate to convince me to remove it from a teaching curriculum - but then again, I'm not in charge of any teaching curriculum and have zero relevant expertise. I've read now a number of different articles and reactions to this incident, and the reactions rarely have anything to do with the reality of what decisions were made and why. You have to jump through numerous links to find what appears to be the original parent complaint:

Yolanda Williams said she found out that students were saying the N-word and laughing in the classroom, and it was offensive. “Students were laughing out loud at the teacher’s response. That’s unacceptable to me,” she told the board. “Is there not a better way to teach about that era and the horrors of that era, other than having kids laughing in class when the N-word is said? It should not be required reading for all students. My child shouldn’t have to sit in that class like that.” “It’s not a conducive environment,” Yolanda Williams said. “It’s not just the book, but supplemental material that had the N-word.

(How much do we value, how do we weigh, one way of learning about the history of racism, against the pain of a black child? Whose comfort are we willing to sacrifice, and for what?)

The second comment I come back to is much shorter, but I feel like it's where everything fell in to place for me:

Were the people made uncomfortable by the book white people? How many of them? I don't know for sure - although I know at least one of the parents, as quoted above, was black - and neither do any of the commenters.

Why do we read "people" and see "white people?" And in a way, I'm asking a rhetorical question - because of course we do, because the tweet is set up that day. And, even more so, of course we do - because the people the book is for are white people.

To go back to the previous comment, the one I can't stop unpacking: the writer quotes a famous line from the book, "You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view...until you climb into his skin and walk around in it."

And yes, I love this quote.

But.

But.

To Kill a Mockingbird was written by Harper Lee, a white woman.

The narrator of the book is Scout, a white child.

The hero of the book is Atticus, her white father.

The embodiment of the theme, the person whose skin Scout tries to step into, is Boo Radley, another white man.

Do you remember, the man who was murdered? Do you see him in that picture at the top of the post? How long does it take you to remember his name?

When do we step into his skin? When do we walk around with his perspective?

I love To Kill a Mockingbird. But if a school district wanted to teach a book to embody this quote, aren't there so many better ones?

Another commenter on the post appears to have actual lived experience with this book being removed from the teaching curriculum.

[l1ve-l4ugh-lov3craft]

HI I'M BACK WITH A RANT ON ZORA'S DOMAIN

By popular demand (and by "popular demand, I mean @justagirlsming asked a singular time and I took that personally), I am submitting my thoughts on Zora's Domain for the council's consideration! I hope you enjoy this madness, let's get into it:

STARTING OFF STRONG WITH THE PREFACE THAT THE DOMAIN WOULD NOT BE NEARLY AS IMMACULATE A DEFENSE IF ANY OTHER RACE BUT THE ZORA LIVED THERE. But it's okay cos the Zora DO live there, so it's all fine :) I just needed to make it known

Starting off strong with the actual location of the Domain cos *chef's kiss* fabulous

It's surrounded on two sides buy these massive freakin cliffs, and not only that, but they're made of that smooth, glassy blue rock that the Domain is made out of, making that SUPER hard to climb even if you did think you could try and come at the Zora from above. ALSO on the other side are yet more cliffs AND the East reservoir with almost the same problems for enemies as the other cliffs around the domain, except now you have the added issue of the MASSIVE BODY OF WATER to avoid XD

So really, the only feasible way to get to Zora's Domain would be through the main path Link takes in botw

BUT! This path is almost entirely in the Zora's favour and here's why:

First of all, ANYONE who has played the game knows how hard it is to get to the Domain on foot and how windy and confusing it is! The best option for a group of invaders would probably be to cut through here to make it just a bit easier

but even that poses an issue because it's all uphill, so really there's not many good options here.

I DID FORGET TO MENTION! Really, the Zora's only big enemies in Hyrule at present are the Lizalfos and they're pretty agile creatures, but luckily there's not many of them close enough to Zora's domain to pose much of a threat (at least, there's less Lizalfos than Zora I think)

Once the enemies get through that first part of the path to the domain to Oren Bridge though is when things begin to turn more in the Zora's favour.

If there ever were to be an attack on Zora's Domain, it most likely would not be very big purely because of the way you would have to try and get into the Domain in the first place. SO bottlenecking isn't a huge advantage, but it is definitely there nonetheless. ALSO, that entire path is just one huge mass of switchbacks and tight turns which would slow down enemies considerably.

Now, the bridges are where the Zora have the biggest advantage. We see in botw that they don't need those AT ALL cos of how Sidon follows Link in the river as he's travelling there. HOWEVER, the Lizalfos and anyone else trying to attack very much do.

"But the Lizalfos can swim, Nico! They don't need the bridges!!" You may be right, Theoretical Voice Of The People I Made Up For This Situation, BUT! Imagine you are an enemy on your way to invade Zora's Domain. If you see a perfectly working bridge, you're gonna use it rather than swim, aren't you?

This leaves the PERFECT opportunity for Zora forces to hide in the water and attack you from afar down in the water, or even (and this one's my favourite) destroy the bridge completely to knock anyone on it into the water to either be swept away in the current or picked off by Zora warriors in the water who, literally being in their element, are going to completely overpower you.

Aaaaaand if that doesn't work at Oren Bridge, the Zora can VERY easily swim upriver at Luto's Crossing (which is MUCH higher up and would deal a lot more damage if you fell from it), or even the Great Zora Bridge as a last ditch effort and just repeat the tactic over again :) Very devastating.

I'm ALWAYS here to give fair and unbiased assessments of defensible architecture though, so let's explore ALL sides and say the enemies made it past Luto's Crossing and went this way

What then???

Well, let's have a look at the Domain up close. It has this ring of walls around it that look very much like ramparts

and so, in the event that enemies did manage to come at them from around the domain, they have a relatively well covered spots to return fire. And in the event that the enemy destroys them (and, let's be honest, if it's the Lizalfos, they won't think that far ahead), oh noooooo they fall into water...How sad for absolutely no Zora ever. The walls also can be a liability though and we'll talk about that in a sec

SHOULD enemies make it into Zora's Domain, there are good things and there are bad things. I'll start with the bad things to get them out of the way first.

The BIGGEST one is that hell forsaken fish statue.

With just a bit of pre-planning, if enemies were able to keep the battle mostly down here

then that would leave room for a few people to sneak up here

and not only have a shot at killing the king if he's not below fighting already, but also destroy whatever supports are holding up that fish! And what's gonna happen???? It's going to fall and crush the throne room, the communal sleeping area, the infirmary, AND their food stores that they all have sitting under there, AS WELL AS anyone taking shelter underneath????? NOT good at all.

The second one is the aforementioned ring of walls which can provide just as much cover for enemies as it can the Zora depending on who gets to them first. So if the enemy gets to those parapets first, it provides them with the perfect cover to fire at the Zora from above :/

BUT! There is still a lot of good about the city itself as well :D

Now, the Zora are all very competent fighters, and so in a battle they should be able to hold their ground well enough, and anyone they can't kill, I'm sure King Dorephan can just flop on top of a crush lol XD There's ALSO the fabulous advantage of the waterfalls that drop off the Domain itself!

I couldn't find a good picture for the life of me, but with those, even if a fighter got knocked off the upper levels of Zora's Domain, they have an easy way to get back up by climbing those small waterfalls which is AWESOME

HOWEVER! Even if it ended up that the giant fish crushed people and everyone was dying and they needed to retreat, they have an easy way of doing that too!

Unlike literally anyone else the Zora would have to face, they have the ability to swim up freakin waterfalls and SO! If things go so dire that they couldn't save the Domain and needed to flee, they have FOUR exit routes they can take. Obviously they can just follow the Zora River back out to the Lanayru Wetlands and catch a river from there, but they also have three waterfall options

Any one of those would be a fast and easy escape for everyone in Zora's Domain, should they need to do that.

Overall, it's an EXTREMELY versatile and well fortified city for the Zora with how it 100% plays into their strengths and minimises advantages for any one else. It's honestly GENIUS and really, it's no wonder it has stayed so safe from monsters for so long before and after the calamity

[stereax]

hey!! i kinda wanna get into fantasy hockey but it seems . extremely intimidating ! i was wondering if u know of any primers / yt vids / anything that u found helpful when u were getting into it that might b helpful! :3

Hiya nonnie!

Honestly, to be blunt: it very much, uh, depends how much tolerance for White Cishet Men Who Think They're THE Shit Talking Puck Semi Accurately you have. I'm unfortunately not kidding.

Now, to answer more fully, let's go under the cut!

First off, it's important to keep in mind that everything is, to some extent, random. You can draft Connor McDavo with your first overall pick and he can become Collarbone McBroken for half the season. That's part of the fun, unexpected stuff happening. Fantasy hockey can be intimidating and overwhelming sometimes, but if you ask around, I (and possibly others) am totally willing to listen to your thoughts and help point you on the right track.

Secondly, though, there is a lot you can control. You don't draft Brendan Smith expecting him to put up McDavid-like numbers. That doesn't make sense. If a fourth-liner just scored a hat trick, it doesn't mean he'll do that every game.

Some people say that a good draft is key to winning a fantasy hockey league, or even doing well. This is only partially true. You can win with an autodraft team, but it's much more of an uphill climb.

That's why my first big tip is to try mock drafts. Do several, on Yahoo and ESPN and wherever you want. Learn who's available at generally what rounds. This can help you identify possible steals in the draft. Additionally, be very aware of the rules of your league. Is it points or categories? Are the points "standard" or are some stats more heavily weighed? As an anecdote, one of my leagues has a strange point distribution that gives massive weight to penalty minutes. This lends itself heavily to the playstyles of, for instance, the Tkachuks, Tom Wilson, and Evander Kane.

My second big tip is to watch hockey news. Familiarize yourself with players slated for a breakout year or players that are good at certain stats (Alec Martinez, Blocks Georg, comes to mind here). Especially get cozy with teams you and your group of opponents don't follow much. Another anecdote, my friends are mostly Devils and Pens fans. This allows me to capitalize on (somewhat) under-the-radar players like Sam Reinhart on the Panthers, Drew Doughty on the Kings, and Sean Durzi on the Coyotes.

My third big tip, depending on your league, is learning to stream. Not hockey games, but players. Generally, there are fewer hockey games on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. This means that usually, your lineup will have spots open those days, and will be full Tuesdays, Thursdays, Saturdays, with mostly-full Sundays. If you drop and add players strategically, you can get five, six, or even seven "man-games" out of a single slot, increasing the amount of points you can earn. DataDrivenHockey on Instagram runs awesome fantasy help data sheets, along with streaming advice to maximize man-games.

As for resources... Yahoo and ESPN for mock drafts. Do your mock drafts. I cannot underscore how important this is. ESPN publishes good articles as well, about player stocks weekly and more general ones in the preseason. Yahoo seems to too. Here's a good "fantasy hockey 101" article I just pulled up from Yahoo, actually. (Be aware that some of the things it mentions, like separating forwards into C, LW, and RW, as well as salary cap drafts, generally don't exist in ESPN leagues.) DDH, as mentioned, for streaming stuff; posts there go up usually every Friday. There are also sites like DobberHockey and RotoWire that are good for fantasy hockey stuff, but I don't personally use them, so I can't vouch for their effectiveness. Places like the Athletic do draft cheat sheets. Once you get into the season, you're mostly adding and dropping based on average points per game anyway, especially over the last 15 (sometimes 7 or 30) days.

And then, if you're beginning to get hyperfixated, you can start looking for your low-view-count YouTube videos.

But honestly, it's probably better if you just drop a line with a friend to ask at that point. Or me. I'm totally down to talk fantasy hockey and give my tips and advice!!!

[juleskelleybooks]

Year-End Wrap Up 2023

Thank you to literally everyone who has engaged with the work I've managed to put out despite everything. It was all carved out of me at great cost and with great love, and sharing it brings me joy and is why I keep doing it. Below are some numbers and some thoughts just to quantify things, but thanks.

Stats:

Words Published - 92,122 Words Written - Estimated somewhere in the 50k range Works Published - 2 Units Sold - 399 (self published titles only, includes free downloads) Milestones - Got to sign my physical book in a local bookstore and be featured on their social media as a local author; entered my book to be judged as part of the Lambda Literary Awards

Goals for Next Year:

Actually start keeping track of sales per title etc.

Start tracking words written

Thoughts:

This is mostly for myself, because I have a hard time with things like "accomplishments" and "chronological time" and "object permanency", and because I'm always looking ahead at what I want to have done, like I'm climbing uphill, and all progress feels slow. Sometimes it's good to look back at how far you've come.

At the end of last year, I parted professional ways with my agent (lovely person though she is), so this year was already a bit new in a lot of ways.

In April, Night Is For Hunting released. It's the second Moonrise book, and was intended to be the middle in a trilogy, but the final book has since been canceled (at my request) because I realized that the third book is not within timely reach for me. Still kind of feeling the sting of that. I'm also not super happy with parts of NIFH, as I pushed through places in order to hit (an already extended) deadline. I had grand plans for sections of the book that I just didn't have time to wrangle.

That's kind of a theme for this year, is that I'm learning that being disabled does unfortunately mean that I am less able to do things on the schedule or to the intensity or degree that I wish that I could. The whole reason I went fully self-pub without my lovely agent was because I knew I couldn't have both work that at least approaches my standards and also a standardized publishing schedule. Not at this point in my life, anyway.

In July, Stars Still Fall was released. I wrote what I consider the pivotal scene in that story back in 2018, and have been obsessed with it ever since, so finishing it was accomplishing a major goal. I let myself take my time to get really indulgent with the prose in places, which I enjoyed a lot. I keep poking at it to see if there's any places I'm unhappy with, that I want to change, and so far I haven't found any. (This isn't, of course, to say that it's above criticism. I'm sure it isn't all to everyone's taste. But I'm happy.) I may update the cover at some point to change the typography for the title, because I think it could be better and do better justice to the actual art.

Looking Ahead:

Blackthorn (low-tech space western, bi4bi m/f) seems to have pulled ahead out of the primordial soup of WIPs for now and is rattling full steam ahead. I'm not going to set a due date until I'm closer to the end, but with any luck, I might manage to finish it within two years?

Other projects that are starting to solidify are A Touch of Magic (witchy single dad whose daughter casts a love spell to try to save his job), A Time For Us (completely reworked reissue of M Jules Aedin title Windows in Time featuring a modern-day person helping ghosts from the 1940s at the risk of his own happiness), and whatever I end up renaming Late Blooming (gray-ace middle school teacher finds out he's same-sex attracted shortly after his 40th birthday and a lot of things start making sense, but his crush on the uncle of one of his students is not one of those things).

Thank you, and happy new year!

[wistdrift-lullaby]

the space between

Lately, I have been drowning in my own insecurities, swallowed whole by the quiet ache of comparison. Social media has a way of holding up a distorted mirror, and every time I look, I see reflections that don’t feel like mine. These effortless beauties, radiant and confident, leave me wondering, why don’t I look like that? Why don’t I move through the world with that kind of certainty? These questions cling to me like ivy, wrapping around my thoughts, suffocating my sense of self. I thought I had come far enough in my journey of self-love that these feelings wouldn’t consume me anymore. I was wrong, the weight of old wounds has threatened to pull me under once more.

Worse, I fear my insecurities are creeping into the spaces where love should be twisting into doubts that threaten the relationship I cherish.I am being chased by something I'm afraid I won't be able to escape, an old shadow I thought I had left behind. What if this part of me, the one that whispers I am not enough, is strong enough to tear everything apart?

Last night, I called my dad. Through the thick fog of my thoughts, his words cut through like sunlight breaking a storm. He reminded me that we are all different—our features, our personalities, our essence. In my rush to compare, I had forgotten that beauty isn’t a singular thing, that no one version of it is more real than another.

He told me I was beautiful, that my height alone made me striking. It made me laugh through my tears. He told me social media isn’t real, filters smooth away imperfections, lighting hides flaws, and even confidence can be carefully curated. And then, he said something that really stayed with me: If you want to change, you always can. But don’t waste your energy trying to control things that don’t need fixing. When I hung up, I felt lighter. The weight on my chest hadn’t disappeared, but it had shifted, loosened. And as I sat with his words, something clicked.

There is no one else in the world who is me. No one else who feels the way I do, who carries these thoughts, this depth, this quiet strength. My perspective, my experiences, both the good and the painful, are mine alone. My face, my body, my existence is a result of generations of love, of people before me who lived and hoped and brought me into this world. My pain is mine, my joy is mine, my journey is mine, all of it belongs uniquely to me.

Learning to love myself is never easy, it is an uphill climb, full of slips and stumbles. But self-love is not a single battle won, it is a tide, retreating and returning, soft and relentless all at once. There will always be someone more beautiful, more talented, more confident. But that does not make me any less worthy. And I refuse to let comparisons steal the peace I have fought so hard to build. I am my own person, one who loves deeply, who sees beauty in the small and the unnoticed, who appreciates the world in ways only I can. And I think that in itself,is a kind of beauty no filter can recreate. 

Maybe that’s just what it means to be human. To feel everything deeply. To long for reassurance. To forget my own light, only to rediscover it again.

but isn't that the most human thing of all?

[tetrisfinished]

destined for...something other than greatness

how do you know what a good, great, excellent, exceptional situation is?

how do you truly gauge that your situation is good...

i think you need perspective. and to have perspective, you must have the ability to look around you and see differently. look around you and see the shit, shittier, nahsty, straight up stanky....

you have to be able to smell the odour and have it come in to your life so much so that you can feel it all around you, but you don't have to personally experience it.

that's how i feel like these days.

i think my marriage was destined to be shit.

how would anyone know good if they couldn't so obviously see the bad right in front of them? right?

i think my marriage and my life actively serve as a reminder to the people around me...when they think of the stuff going wrong with them, maybe they end that thought with a footnote of "oh but at least it's not komal-level-bad...."

i'm in an era of blame. not self blame anymore.

i'm in the era of picking out whatever i can grasp to try and pin the blame on them. my most favourite contenders these days have to be my upbringing, my culture, and by extension, my parents (and their marriage).

i feel lower than shit even admitting this. but now i am in the self pity era, it is directly influenced by how little brain i can assume upon myself.

but the thing is, i'm an adult. i stopped having any right to blame anyone else after 18....and that was many many years ago. at least i can say this because i had a more or less normal (happy) childhood.

but maybe if it gives me peace to think that i didn't end up where i am today all by myself....maybe that's okay? (i know that it isn't).

at the absolute very goddamn least...i can finally appreciate the level of effort and conscious parenting it takes to raise a kid not traumatized by you.

but that awareness and that active-knowledge-seeking has left me with even more guilt.

because now i can pinpoint exactly what behaviours might effect esa in what way and despite that i still occasionally find myself indulging in those behaviours.

i wish there was a way to know if i was just wrong...you know? am i wrong to want what i want? which of this is my fault? is it all of it?

which of this should i give up on?

how do i go about life.

i have started praying more. and maybe i'm impatient? i don't feel any sort of positive change in me?

why do i stil crave so much external validation? and why doesn't the one main source of external validation that i SHOULD look towards send me a sign? (my faith; Allah swt).

i cannot explain in words perhaps how difficult this struggle is for me. i am not homeless, nor starving, nor in poverty, and not unhealthy (at least not to my knowledge ie i'm not sick). how do i climb this mountain. will it ever stop being an uphill struggle. how do i know i've reached the top.

i feel ungrateful and guilty and upset and batshit crazy and angry and everything under the sun all the time.

how do i get past it? whcih part of me do i need to break apart into smithereens for me to be able to move forward in my life.

i don't need help, because frankly i don't know that i'm help-able.

i just need relief.

much love,

k

[alifeofalifer-blog]

Seth Anthony - Episode Transcription

Podcast Music: [00:00:00]You have a collect call from Taylor, an inmate at the Washington Correctional Center. To accept the call press 5.

Taylor Conley: [00:00:32] There's nothing like waking up to the sound of clacking and buzzing as the door's crack open in the morning after count clears, waking up to the reality of life in prison. For some, it's just a stop along their journey, a mile post, an experience. For others, it is a revolving door, in and out, in and out. And that's their way of life, stuck in the cycle, pulling and eating away at them. And then for some it becomes their destination as the hammer came down and that judge issued him a death sentence, the slow way, by way of life in prison... This is the Life of a Lifer, by Taylor Conley.

Hello friends and family. Welcome and thank you for joining us today. Today we got an exciting program. I'm really, I'm really stoked about this today, I'm going to be interviewing singer and rapper Seth Anthony, a man who has been able to overcome the odds and take it adversity and whip it's ass, man.

So it's a continuous struggle and an uphill battle, this man won't stop. He's not going to stop. He's gonna get it, and he's getting there. He's grinding and he's making it happen. He's an example. He's an example of what change really is about, and change is a state of mind, and I wrote about this in my book called the convicted entrepreneur.

He's taking the discipline he gained through years and years of doing time and transformed that into a career. He's taken this huge negative and made it into an even bigger positive. What I like most about this dude is how humble he is and yet he's got such a confident style, and swag and he's unwilling to sell out.

He keeps it one hundred thousand, keeps it all the way real I can't do anything but respect this man, and that's why I support everything he's doing. You'll see Seth on the cover of the next issue of Inside Designed Conviction, the Magazine, which is coming out in late January. Really excited about that too, and you'll get more of the full story of his journey along the way.

You know, also coming out later on in January, towards the end of January is the Free Taylor Project album. And that's an album that I did together with my, my good friend and, and my brother Caleb Twidwell, we wrote these songs inside a prison over five years ago while we were serving time together, and he's since gotten out and been able to really take his music and take what he's done and though he's had a lot of struggles along the way, he's such a talented guy and I really am appreciative and happy to be able to, though we butted heads along the way and things haven't been easy and perfect. And you know, there's, there's plenty of different, different triumph or struggles that we've had to triumph over and been able to overcome these things and put together this, this album that we created with, you know, with guitar and just being able to sit down and really write, coming from a perspective of somebody doing life in prison, and there's also some, some nice feel good songs on there. Anyways, and I also added an additional song that I wrote called walk the line, uh, which Caleb is doing some rapping on that as well. We made this journey happen. We've released the two singles already Walk the Line and So Cold, which you can find out right now, and those will also be on the Free Taylor Project. Uh, we put this album out on our independent label, or we put these songs out on our independent label, Designed Conviction Entertainment, which this album is going to be the first album that we drop off of there and we'll see what happens with that.

Man, we just, we really want to do something that is coming from inside, and get it out there so people can really see that there's a lot of talents locked away inside these walls and fences. But I want, on a different note, I want to take a moment and talk about something that, that has me sad right now. I've got a little bit of bad news and, and that is, it's a program that I've been doing for, you know, about the last year and a half or something like that. And it got put on hold. The Toastmasters program. I've talked about it before, but Toastmasters is something that has really helped me to learn how to communicate and articulate myself better. It's such a positive outlet and given me the tools to be able to communicate with words instead of other ways of communication such as, you know, lashing out in anger or, getting upset about everything. To be able to just sit back and be able to communicate and learn these positive leadership skills, which I had, but this has been able to cultivate those things.

So it is unfortunate, and I'm, I'm truly saddened that our sponsors have had to step back. You know, they, they have health issues and, and personal reasons, so they're not able to come anymore. So I'm really bummed out about that. And until we can find new sponsors to come in and, and help us to be able to make sure that this program continues to grow, uh, we're not going to be able to do it. I love the environment that Toastmasters creates. That's what's the coolest thing about it. It's a space where you're able to really kind of just get away from everything else that goes on in prison and, and have the, the curriculum that you follow throughout, and it just really cultivates and helps you to develop these skills that help us to grow as people and express ourselves in a constructive way.

Like I said, man, being able to communicate is such an important thing in life, especially in this environment, and I cherish that and I hope that we're able to find some new sponsors soon. I mean, if you're listening, and you're interested in this, and you, and you're around the Olympia, Aberdeen area in Washington state, and you have anything to do with Toastmasters or you're were even interested by it, and you want to get involved in it, you know, feel free to reach out to us and we can try to put you in touch with the right people to make that happen because man, this is something that really does change lives. Uh, I've seen hardened thugs come into Toastmasters and within a couple of months begin to change their perspective. It's all about the perspective on the way you look at things. And it's such a cool thing to see that, you know, there's even a club out there on the streets that it's called the Inside Out Toastmasters, which consists of men and women who were formerly incarcerated, as well as advocates who advocate for the incarcerated and formerly incarcerated to help with reintegrating back into society.

And this program is continuing to help them on their journey as they get out of prison. So it's a great support system and having the clubs available in prison and then being able to transition out there for other people to get involved with it. And the Toastmasters organization is huge. So, I mean, it's the best program I've ever been a part of in here and had the opportunity to experience.

I'm actually the president of one of our clubs here where I'm at right now. Uh, a gavel club, which we are working on getting chartered. And what it means to be in a charter club is to be recognized by Toastmasters international. And so like, you know, you have to pay dues and, and people actually come in and help us to make that like a legitimate thing. Those are like legitimate credentials that people can get and they can take those and transfer those into real like things you can put on your resume and stuff like that. And not, not to mention, just being able to have a more positive environment within the prison system.

It really helps with that, it really helps with being able to communicate your issues better. Being able to actually work on rehabilitation and not just punishment. So I really believe in the Toastmasters program, and you know, maybe you don't live in this area, you've never even heard of it, but you want to know more about it.

I would encourage you to go to the ninth wave toastmaster.com website and you can, you can learn more about it. That's the number nine T H wave Toastmasters dot com and you can see different ways in which you could contribute and be a part of it. And you know, basically contribute to the rehabilitation of people within prison to where the hope is when they get out and they transition out, they will have better set of skills to work with and be, you know, a more productive member of society.

That's the hope. So without further ado though, I would, I would like to get into this interview and let's see if we can get Seth on the line here. One more thing though, I want to give Seth a big congratulations as he's just announced that his girl is about to have a baby. I think that that's so cool and I'm sure that he's going to be a great father. I'm really happy for you, man. But right now let's get into this interview. I think we got them here, so thank you very much. Look forward to what's to come.

Taylor Conley: [00:10:59] Hey Seth, how you doing today, brother?

Seth Anthony: [00:11:00] I'm doing good brother. How are you doing?

Taylor Conley: [00:11:03] Ahh, I'm doing good, man. Glad to hear you again

Seth Anthony: [00:11:07] Yeah, man.

Taylor Conley: [00:11:08] Thanks for coming on the show, bro.

Seth Anthony: [00:11:10] Yeah, of course, brother, of course, man. I respect what you're doing, man. So 100%.

Taylor Conley: [00:11:15] man.means a lot to me. It really does. I know you're a busy man, so I'm glad that we got you here. As a matter of fact, you know, earlier today, I was in there checking on Jpay man, where I get the music at, and I was searching through the top albums list and man, I seen your, I see your song on there, Rebel Road, bro. I couldn't believe it. I know it's like climbing on the charts, but uh, shit.

Seth Anthony: [00:11:42] Yeah, man, it's uh, it's, it's, you know, it feels really good man, because you know I, I, I put my heart into all my music man. And just, uh, that combi-, that gratification, man. It's just, it just, it feels like, I wrote that song about being in prison, you know what I mean? So I would..

Taylor Conley: [00:12:00] That's what grabbed me about it.

Seth Anthony: [00:12:02] Yeah, man. So it's like for people to just be so responsive with it, it means a lot, man. Cause that's just, I would just, I'm just real with my music, you know, I just, I sing or I rap or whatever, whatever I do, man, I do it from my heart. I do 100% of my heart, man. You know what? I've been through my life, man, and just for people, just for it to get that much attention, man, it just, it makes me feel good.You know? It's like all the hard work I'm putting into this, you know it's paying off, you know?

Taylor Conley: [00:12:33] That's great man. You know, I can tell too, when I listened to it, it's like, I mean, I don't want to talk bad about other people, but I hear a lot of these country rap songs and they're trash, man, they like, they don't sound, there's not good production on them. You know, it just sounds like, like some dude talking over a beat.

Seth Anthony: [00:12:56] You can only uh, you can only rap so much about Yetis and big trucks and mud holes, man. You know what I mean? So I try to open my mind up, man, and just literally, when I started doing this music, I said, you know what? What would I, what would I listen to?

And I said, I would like to listen to somebody that's being real, that's been a prison. Sold drugs, hooked on drugs, just went through the ringer, man. And then, you know what I mean? And talks about it, not ashamed of it, not trying to hide it. Nothing, man. So that's what I was doing, man. And since I've been doing that, um, literally, I've been doing music for 22 months now, professionally, and I got millions of views. Um. Um, you know, I'm just, I'm, I'm all over. I'm about to go on tour. It's just, it changed my life, man. And it feels good because, you know, that's why I would never sign to a record label because I wanna, I want to sing and rap or make the kind of music that makes me happy, man. I don't want to sit there and make any kind of music for album sales or this or that.

You know what I mean? So to do what you want to do and have that passion just really feels good, really feels good.

Taylor Conley: [00:14:07] That's definitely an amazing thing to be able to have the freedom to just, however you see it, however you feel it, you put it down and it comes through, man. Cause that shit touched me right, right in the soul, man. I could feel it. And those are songs too that you can listen to time and time again and they don't get old. And that's the great thing about it.

Seth Anthony: [00:14:30] Yeah. I still listen to them all the time, man.

Taylor Conley: [00:14:35] How does it feel to listen to your music?

Seth Anthony: [00:14:38] Uh, you know, there's only one thing wrong with it man, uh, the only thing that bothers me is, uh, I'm still obsessive with my music man, and literally obsessed with it. My girl will, I'll be in the living room and my girl was like, Babe it's midnight, you gotta go to the studio tomorrow and I'm like, I'm just going to finish this part for this song. She'll go, wake up, it's four o'clock in the morning. I'm still sitting out there writing and then refining things. So when I hear my music, I love it, but I'm always like, damn, I should've did that right there. oh damn

Taylor Conley: [00:15:07] Ahhh, man

Seth Anthony: [00:15:09] you know what I mean? So I pick it apart...

Taylor Conley: [00:15:10] Oh I know what you mean

Yeah, I know exactly what you mean, man. Whenever I write music, I do the same thing, bro. I'd be, you know, once it's done and it's down and you're like, damn, I should've done this. I should've said it like that or something. You know what I mean? But that shows, cause that's what makes great music, man.

That really getting passionate about it and getting into it. You know what's funny is it not only was it on the Jay pay, but then I was telling Cecilia's assistant Sara about that, you know, she's kind of looking after some of our social media stuff. She's involved with that. And, and I was telling her, Hey uh, Seth's, Seth's Rebel Road song is on, on the top songs on JPay, she was like, wow cause I was just looking at Facebook and he's trending on there with the video for that. I was like, damn, he's blowing up right now.

Seth Anthony: [00:16:05] Yeah, man. Um, yeah, it's, it's doing really good man. Um, and I just released a new video on Rough Neck Remedy um, off my new album, I'm dropping 2020 Vision and, um, I mean, yes, it's, it, things are just coming together, man. It's just, kinda just like that old saying, real recognize real man. Like there's not one person on the streets or in prison that could say that I'm not real. You know what I mean? So it's just like, I just, I keep you a real man, you know what I mean?

I didn't live the best life. I didn't live the worst life. I was just real throughout my whole life, and went through a lot of fucking shit. You know what I mean? So I just put that into the music and people just relate to it then because you know everybody, this is my problem with the music industry, man, and this is my real problem, is people that start getting a little clout and they do music, they want to act like they're just like on this high pedestal, and I'm this, this person, or I'm this, nah man, just, you know what? Fuck that you're, you're a human being. You still go through shit. People want to relate to you, man. So be real. You know what I'm saying? Like I just can't stand that because that's how I'm a normal guy, man. I'm a normal dude, man, that just love to make fucking music and knows how to rap my ass off. And I learned it cause I did fucking years and years and years in prison, you know what I mean? You ain't got nothing else to do but write letters or writing music or workout or, you know what I mean? So now I'm just a different level than a lot of these dudes.

Taylor Conley: [00:17:32] Yeah, yeah, man. That don't get no realer than that right there, bro. And you said it best when you say that, you know, you're, you're just a person just like any other person. You're not better than nobody else for doing it. And it just shows that I reached out to you, man. And you responded, cause real recognize real man. You know? And I, I just want to tell you that. That's cool, bro. You're like a real down to earth dude.

Seth Anthony: [00:17:58] And I mean I gotta be, man, I gave up for these interviews left and right man. And the only reason I did this is because there are a lot of people are just trying to get clout or this guy's going up, are you doing all this? And he's willing to do an interview. I won't do a lot of them. The only interviews that you'll see on my, on my go on YouTube and pulled me up is about prison because I want to inform people, man. You know what I'm saying? Excuse me. And they really see who the fuck I am, man. You know what I mean? So when I reached out to you and I clicked on your podcast, I was like, all right, I see, your name you caught me. I'm looking at 'em. I'm like, okay, he's trying to do something. And then I seen, Oh shit, he's locked up. And when you talk to me about the podcast and you say, man, your music hits you. I said, man, I'd be a fake motherfucker, man, if I didn't fuck with this dude, because you know what? I was there so, I'm out here now. Hey. You know what I'm saying? Like that's just not, I'm just a real person and I ,I fully back everything you're doing, man.

You know what I mean? And I tip my hat to your brother because it's hard to get caught up and twisted up in some bullshit when you're behind the bars, man. I was there for a long time, So it's just, you know, I tip my hat to ya, I respect what you're doing, man.

Taylor Conley: [00:19:15] Man, I appreciate it, man. This, uh, this shit ain't easy bro, but you know what? This is the stuff right here, what we're doing, this is what keeps me going, man, cause I'm serving a life without sentence, you know? And uh, man, you got to have something to live for. You know what I mean? I'm still struggling and fighting for my life with my appeals and shit like that, you know, I didn't, I didn't get done fairly, man. But at the same time, I'm not complaining about it. I'm doing something about it and I'm doing something with my life despite the odds, despite the situation I'm in, I'm not going to make that something that I, you know, just dwell on it and sit here fucking depressed and everything, man. But you know, it, it's cool that you recognize that shit, man. And uh, anyway, bro. I really do appreciate that, man. And so anyways, uh, as, as I was talking to you as I found out a little bit more about what you got going on, I hear that you're going down to Nashville to shoot a video with Struggle Jennings.

Seth Anthony: [00:20:17] Yeah yeah man, um I got the new album coming out 2020 vision. Um, so me and Struggle Jennings, uh, you know what I mean? He's, he's well known. He did all the, uh, Waylon and Willies with Jelly Roll. Um, I, I do, my producer is good friends with him and producer. So I was like, Hey man, let's make the play, man. I'm trying to climb the ladder. Let's do it. So we did the song together. I went to a show and got on his tour bus and I'm like, yo bro, what's up? I was like, we need to do this video. He's like, all right, you got to come to Nashville though. So I booked the ticket for me and the the video guy, we're bringing all the gear and we're going to go knock this video out, man for the album and uh yeah, I'm gonna make a vlog and everything. Like I was telling the assistant or whoever it was I was talking to. Um, you guys are going to be sending me some gear, man. You guys send me that gear, man, and the vlog I'll make and and everything, I'll wear it and represent shout out to you man, Free Taylor. You know what I mean? So I'm all for it, you know, and looking out, man.

Taylor Conley: [00:21:16] Yeah, man, uh, that's ,that's cool, man. Yeah, we shot it to you, man. So I hope you get it before you leave and, uh, you're gonna represent it. It's the Free Taylor Project, man. It's actually an album that we made with, uh, you know, a dude, a good friend of mine, man. He's like my brother that he was in prison with me. We did, we did time together, and he's an amazing musician himself. He's, he's a really talented singer. So, you know, we did the Free Taylor Project and, uh, it's, it's got some really really hard hitting song. It's like a variety of songs, man, you're getting some rock, some country, and uh even a little bit of rap on there, bro. And you know what I mean? That's something that I really, I really get passionate about myself, man, is writing music.

Seth Anthony: [00:22:03] Is that song that you sent me, is that on that, that that album you're talking about?

Taylor Conley: [00:22:10] It's going to be on there. Yeah. The So Cold song and the Walk the Line song are the ones, we released those two singles that we're going to put on the album. And uh, yeah, man, it's, it's going to come out in January actually as well. Probably the end of January. We're gonna put it out and uh, you know what I mean? It's just supporting that supporting positive shit that we're doing and getting the message out there. You know what I mean? It's like, Hey, check it out. Check what this dude's doing and come support it, and it's good music, bro. Like this music came out, came out of the inside. You know what I mean? We recorded a demo inside when we still had a, uh, we still had a music room that has some recording equipment, you know, some old stuff you recorded on tape deck and it was just a guitar and a, and some singing man. And we ended up being able to take that project and bring it out to the streets when my friend, Caleb Twidwell, when he got out, we got in contact years later and ended up making it come to life, man. And now we're now, we're going to really make it happen so. I'm hoping that

Seth Anthony: [00:23:18] Hey your boy Caleb though, I checked out the, I'm really feeling the So Cold. Um, song. He's got a good voice, man. When I was listening to, I was like, man, if you could just throw like a rap verse into that, So Cold song, it would be, it eb be really dope man. Cause he's just, he's killing it on that song,

Taylor Conley: [00:23:35] Dude, that would be, that would be a good idea, man. Maybe we can talk about the remix sometime.

Seth Anthony: [00:23:41] Yeah, yeah man.

Taylor Conley: [00:23:43] That would be cool. But well, what we did talk about was, uh, we talked about doing this Renegade song. So I threw it out there man that I wrote this song that I think would be right in their wheelhouse and, uh, sent you over the song. You know, it reminded me of something that would fit perfectly with, with you, man. Like, it resonated with you being able to do the song, man. And I reached out to you and you said that you were interested in bro. So. What, tell me about when you think about the song, man?

Seth Anthony: [00:24:14] I really feel, uh, like I said, when I, um, when I read people's, when some people send me music, I read the lyrics and I, and when I read the lyrics, like I instantly knew they were real because I've been in the same places that you're at. You know what I'm saying? So I was, I felt it 100% man. And I really, uh, I, I'm really down to, to, you know, I'm really busy and I'll finish this out. I got a project coming, I'm about to go on tour, but I'll definitely squeeze in sometime, man and find some time, man. And we'll knock the track out man and representing that.

Taylor Conley: [00:24:50] That's what's up man, cause you know, I couldn't do this song with anybody that hadn't done time and you know what I mean?

Seth Anthony: [00:24:56] Of course not, of course not.

Taylor Conley: [00:24:57] ... And then so we're going to get Caleb, we're going to get Caleb to do, he's going to sing the, he's going to sing the hook and you're going, you're going to rap on it.

Seth Anthony: [00:25:09] Yeah, I'm down brother, definitely down.

Taylor Conley: [00:25:11] Al- Alright broAlright, man. That's, that's going to be a hit, man. I, I know that with, with what you got to put into it and, and that producer that's gonna be producing it. It's going to be a hit man. And the beats, the beats that give me too man, and what with what we get put on it, that's, that's going to be a hit song right bro.

Seth Anthony: [00:25:33] Definitely man, I'm definitely down, brother. It's a good song.

Taylor Conley: [00:25:37] So, so the one other thing I wanted to ask you about, man, cause I think from what I understand, you're an independent artist, right?

Seth Anthony: [00:25:47] Hundred percent bro, hundred percent

Taylor Conley: [00:25:50] So are you trying to get a deal or are you trying to stay independent?

Seth Anthony: [00:25:55] No, I'll never, I'll never sign the deal, man. I already had a couple people, a couple, record labels already come to me, and a middle man tried to come to me and everything. And you know, uh, the last deal was good. You know what I mean? I'm not saying that's not, it's a, it's a good deal, but this is why I will never sign a deal, because right now, if I want to talk about prison or if I wanna talk about my woman, or if I wanna talk about my mom and dad dying whenever I want, however I want to sing it, rap it however I want to do it. I can do it because there's no one telling me, Oh, you get album sales as this, and this is what it's uhh generating right now.... and analytics show... Fuck that, man. I, you know what I'm saying? I just watched a video right before I got on this uh podcast with you, and a dude said, you know that the minute you start making music for album sales, it's fake. You know what I mean? You, you make the music man, because it's from your heart. And that's what people relate to it. So, and I already know the game with them record labels, man. All everybody should be trying to, man, you just gotta go get it. You gotta gotta get it, man. It ain't, it's not handed to you. It's not handed to you. You gotta grind, man. You've got to grind you gotta network, you gotta put the content on, you gotta put real lyrics, and you have talent and build a team behind you, man. That's what it's all about, man. You know what I mean? I was in prison so long, and that's why I'm ahead of the game behind these dudes, because I have street knowledge and music knowledge combined, man. So it's like, you know, I'm just, I'm killing it, man, because I have the drive, way harder. I, I've been in situations that I've never been in where my mind thinks a lot different than those dude, man. You know what I mean? So I'll never sign a deal, man, ever.

Taylor Conley: [00:27:43] Okay. Okay, well, say it then, man. Said that with some passion, bro. I uhh

Seth Anthony: [00:27:49] Yeah. I'm passionate about this music

Taylor Conley: [00:27:51] I hear you. I'm a, I'm a strong believer in that, man. You know, I, I really like it. I like where you're coming from. I like, I like the way you think and uh, there's definitely something about having..

Seth Anthony: [00:28:04] Look at it like this

Taylor Conley: [00:28:05] Yeah

Seth Anthony: [00:28:05] This is how I look at it, this is how I look at it, man. If I'm working at construction, I still work. I still work every day. That's how much I want it and get it. I wake up at four o'clock in the morning every morning, go to work, do commercial concrete, bust my ass climbing walls doing this crazy ass work. Come home, write music and record my songs and do videos on the weekends. Now let me tell you something. I'll never change that, that fire I have in me, I'll never, I'll never change that man. So a record label ... What is that going to do? You're going to give me some money and then you're going to own me. You see what I'm saying, man. But they did the fire in me, man. It would be taken away because it's like someone dictating your future. When I walked out of those prison gates, I made a promise to myself that no man will ever disrespect me or tell me what to do ever again. I'm free. You know what I mean? So. That's why it's just, I can't do that. You know what I mean? That's just something with me. I can't do, you know what I mean? So I'm just really passionate about it because I'm passionate about it, man. You know what I mean? It's just, if I was to be up, man, my producer's like Seth, calm down. I'm like, dude, you don't understand man. I'm honest music, man. You know what I mean? Like you don't get it. You know what I mean? Like this is not just like, people just don't get that I'm ahead of the game because of the shit I went through. You know what I mean?

Taylor Conley: [00:29:23] Absolutely. Man. Absolutely. And that's the drive that other people that have been in your situation could look to in and hear this. If there's anybody listening that you know is an aspiring, uh, artist of any type or know, I heard this story of yours, you know, and they can be inspired by it themselves to, to understand, you know, that you can take. What you've been through and turn that into art

Seth Anthony: [00:29:50] you always can,

Taylor Conley: [00:29:51] whether it's music..

Seth Anthony: [00:29:51] You always can, man

Taylor Conley: [00:29:53] whatever kind of art it is man...

Seth Anthony: [00:29:55] Because you know what, man, let me tell you. No, you're going to wh... I'm going to tell you something right now. Whoever's listening, well, anyone that's been incarcerated already will resonate with this man, and I'm gonna tell you what, just say you're in the, in the world. I'm in the world right now. People wake up on the wrong side of the bed. You see what I'm saying? People want, it's just human nature. You wake up in a bad mood and on the wrong side of the bed, but guess what, man? When you wake up in the bad mood on the wrong side in prison, it's not a fucking good day, man. You know what I'm saying? You got motherfuckers telling you when to eat when they sleep, count this blah, blah lock down on this. Um, the phone cut off or you can't get it. You know what I'm saying? Like, it's just, there's so much more shit. That weighs up on you when you're having a fucking bad day, that if you can get through that, you can get through anything, man. So that's why I said I'm ahead of the game man, and you know what I'm saying like that people just don't understand what it's like, man, to sit there and worry about your loved ones and nobody gives a fuck about you or this motherfucker, showing you all this pressure on the compound, man, I got to walk. You know what I'm saying? So if you, unless you live that, you know what I'm saying? People will never understand, and that's where the fire comes from, man. You know what I mean? Because it's like. I've been there, man. So it's like nothing can stop what I'm doing. You know what I mean? It's like this is what I'm fucking doing, and people are going to have to relate to it because it's real, they have no choice too. You know what I mean?

Taylor Conley: [00:31:21] Whoo, that's some heat right there, man. That's some heat, straight up.

Seth Anthony: [00:31:27] Yeah brother

Taylor Conley: [00:31:27] I might have to put that on the, on the backside of the album, bro.

Seth Anthony: [00:31:34] Yeah. Put it on there, brother

Taylor Conley: [00:31:37] Yeah, man.

Seth Anthony: [00:31:37] Put that on there man

Taylor Conley: [00:31:40] Cause that, I mean people need to hear that message right there, man. You know, it don't get no realer than that, bro.

Taylor Conley: [00:31:51] So I know that you're busy, bro. I know you got places to go and things to do, man, you're grinding, man. But I just got one last question for you if I could.

Seth Anthony: [00:32:00] Yeah what's up brother?

Taylor Conley: [00:32:02] So, man, you know, I'm serving a life without the possibility of parole sentence in here. And, uh, you know, I just, I would appreciate getting your take on what you think about life sentences?

Seth Anthony: [00:32:15] Well, a person that was incarcerated for many, many, many, many years and been locked up since I was 14 years old and on and off then. My personal opinion and I really don't answer questions like this, like just like I don't answer questions about politics cause it's just a huge debate man. But my, I'm going to answer it because I respect what you're doing. I don't agree with it, man. I don't feel like the system is so fucked up man, where they don't give a fuck what your situation was or if you see them, they don't care about the situation or anything. The circumstances of the situation. They just look at them points and you, and you've got a shitty public defender is working in cahoots with the fucking state attorney and you know what? They're, you know it. Do they look at that money, they'll get that money and they'll fucking ruin somebody's life, man. About a fucking, you know what I'm saying? No matter how severe it is, man, I don't think you should take somebody's fucking life away.  forever because of one incident. Yeah. You know, sometimes people make mistakes and you need to get punished for that. I needed to go to prison for the fucked up shit I did, but guess what? I did my time and got out and look what I'm doing now. Look what I'm doing now, you know what I'm saying? So for you to give a person life behind something for one incident, I think is ridiculous. Ridiculous.

Taylor Conley: [00:33:36] That's a mic dropper right there, bro. You know, I, I appreciate you, uh, coming on here, man, and, and being so passionate and really speaking your mind and speaking your heart. It uh..

Seth Anthony: [00:33:49] Of course brother

Taylor Conley: [00:33:50] It means a lot to me Seth

Seth Anthony: [00:33:51] Of course I respect what you're doing, man, I respe-, I really respect what you're doing. I'm not just telling you that I'm one hundred percent with you, man. cause you know, a couple of times since I got out, I could be sitting right there next to you, bro. You don't understand that. You know, you get out of prison, your mind is fucked up, man. You know what I'm saying? It took ...I'm still dealing with society, man. And I wig out sometimes, man. You know what I'm saying? Because that shit just fucks you up when you get out. You know what I mean? So. I'm all for what you're doing, man, and you're fucking being you're being positive, bro. And, you know, positive people make it in this world, no matter what circumstance their in, they make it, you know what I mean? So that's just something you gotta - I just respect what you're doing, man. You know what I mean?

Taylor Conley: [00:34:29] Likewise, man, I really respect what you're doing, man. I'm a big fan and I can't wait to hear the album, bro. And I like to do a follow up with you later on. You know, maybe after, after the album drops or maybe, uh, you know, at some point.

Do a follow up and see how you're doing. And, and definitely after we do this Renegade song, bro, maybe we can do it at that time, but uh, but yah look forward to it man, and uh, good luck next week down doing that, that video shoot bro. And, and just, just keep doing, doing the hard work, bro. Keep uh grinding out there man. Cause you're getting it.

Seth Anthony: [00:35:06] Yeah thanks brother, keep your head up in there man.

Taylor Conley: [00:35:10] All right brother.

Seth Anthony: [00:35:12] Alright man good talking to you brother

Taylor Conley: [00:35:13] You have a good one man. Absolutely.

Seth Anthony: [00:35:15] you too brother, alright peace

Taylor Conley: [00:35:17] Alright, peace man.  If you want to find out more about Seth, you can find him  @sethanthonycm that's C M as in country music on Instagram. Follow him. Check out what he's got going on. Get his new album when it comes out. I know it's going to be dope.

This dude's really doing it. And I just got to say, I really support this guy and what he's doing, and I hope that we can continue to move forward and feed off of each other in the positive direction that these things are going in. And I, I encourage, and I'm a big fan, so I just, I really thank and appreciate Seth for coming on the show and telling his story and I look forward to it being able to write this article about him and have that come out and have him be on the cover of our next issue of Inside Designed Conviction, the Magazine. So at this time, this is the segment in the show where we like to do a question and answer, and if you got any questions and you're listening to this and you want to know the answer to it, go ahead and hit us up at @alifeofalifer on Instagram or the Designed Conviction page lifeofalifer.com you can find us on all of these different pages and I want you to know that I will answer your question, whether it gets answered on the show or not, it will get answered. So thank you very much for your support.

And today we got a question from somebody and, and it's a question that I feel like a lot of people might have. So it'll be interesting to figure it out now how I answer it to the best that I can to the best of my ability. So what is it like to deal with the day to day of life in prison and do all the things you're doing?

I mean, it's kind of a general question, but at the same time something that, as I think about it for a second, I think like prison is such a complex environment. There's so many different variables, you know, uh, things can change within a second and we could all be, you know, have the life. There's so many changes that have happened since I've been in prison along the way that reshape basically the environment that you're in.

Prison's like a microcosm of society in and of itself in which you're under a microscope. Everything you do is monitored and there are rules for everything. It's difficult to navigate these rules, which are set by the state, but then within that is a whole another set of rules and conduct. So you really have to walk a fine line.

I mean, and it depends on what you're doing too. There's so many variables at play. Like I said. So if you're not vigilant in everything that you do, one wrong step could have your whole world flipped upside down and everything changed. Everything that you thought that you had is gone. So it's, it's really comes into balance, especially if you're trying to do something with yourself outside of the normal day to day life of prison.

It's, it's a balance of being aware of your surroundings. And what I do? I stay busy with my time, I grind it out. I'm involved in a number of positive programs that I try to stay involved in that as much as I can because it, it keeps my mind busy. It keeps me active in working towards becoming a better person.

And the biggest thing for me is, is if I can inspire somebody else to do something different with their lives so they don't keep coming back here to visit me. Doing life and fricking prison. It's, it's something that I'm very passionate about because I love to hear these success stories of people that get out and they do something different.

Man, I hate it when I see these people keep coming back in and like a revolving door and it saddens me. Really. It really saddens me. It hurts me. I don't even like to, I don't even like to think about it because it's happened so often. I've seen people come back five, six times since I've been in prison these last 14 years and I just, I truly, truly want to stop seeing that happen. Cause there's so much more to life and you can use these, these tools that you can create within yourself by doing this time to really have a success. And that's why I Seth Anthony's story is so powerful is because he used what he went through to make himself a success, and he's just seeing more and more success with it. So it inspires me to do even better and to go even further because I know that other people can do that as well. And I want to inspire that in them. So thank you very much for tuning in. I just want to give a big thank you to everybody who makes this possible, and I really, really want to say that I appreciate all the listeners.

Anybody listening who has a question, like I said, hit us up and we will get back to you. Alright? Have a nice day.

Podcast Music: [00:40:41]

[sohannabarberaesque]

At a summer camp for disadvantaged and abused youth, where Magilla Gorilla has been asked to give diving lessons to two campers in particular

[Whose names, it turns out, are Pete and Pete.]

MAGILLA GORILLA: Sooo, it's Pete and Pete! And I understand the two of you came from troubled homes ... have I ever mentioned to you about a little girl close to my heart, by name of Ogee?

PETE #1: Who exactly is this "Ogee," anyway?

PETE #2: And how exactly does this relate to diving?

MAGILLA GORILLA: Well, Pete and Pete ... Ogee was a rather precocious little girl back when I was in the display window of a certain Peebles' Pet Store, who, for some reason, wanted to take me home as her housepet. She was practically OBSESSED with yours truly, but her parents were unwilling to permit it for obvious reasons--as if my being offered for sale as a housepet on its own wasn't as bizarre as it got!

PETE #2: OK, OK, but what's the connexion to diving?

MAGILLA GORILLA: I just thought it worth bringing up as one with my own personality. Even though Ogee kept yearning to have me as her own personal house pet, and Mr. Peebles--he ran the pet shop, mind you--was willing to get rid of yours truly at any price, I've since managed to come across plenty of interesting stuff myself. Like, as part of Peter Potamus' travelling SCUBA troupe, I offer up some diving lessons and experiences in summer camps, and for some reason, I was directed towards you two.

PETE #1: Well, at least that takes my mind off what my parents have been driving me through for some time. They can't seem to find work, try as they might, and yet keep blaming me--ME!--for all they've been reduced to. Especially my father being on the bottle.

MAGILLA GORILLA, incredulously: An alcoholic, I take it.

PETE #1: And my mother constantly getting on my case and insisting almost every day that I am "part of the problem" with them, that I am somehow the cause of their ruin.

PETE #2: Myself ... my own father has tried to disown me, more often than not after heavy drinking and insisting forever that there'll be work available, only it turns out that his drinking is the reason I'm somehow seen as the problem.

MAGILLA GORILLA: At any rate, as I understand it, you at least have found some refuge ...

[Whereupon the Chief Camp Counsellor arrives with a message Of Utmost Importance involving Pete #1; it seems his parents went into a psychotic delirium outside the local welfare office weeping and wailing and bawling and boohoohooing their heads off about their Pete somehow being "removed" from them "forcibly" when it emerges he's been sent to summer camp for his own good, never mind their Case Manager advising them their own surroundings were reducing Pete #1 to be in need of summer camp to begin with. And at any rate, the police had to be called in and the parents referred to a psychiatric ward, but not before blaming Pete for their wrack and ruin.]

MAGILLA GORILLA, with some sense of insight: Uh, guys ... to paraphrase the Gilligan's Island theme, it looks like it's going to be an uphill climb--underwater, more than likely--out of what you've been going through!

PETE #1: But it's been three days since I've been here, to begin with!

PETE #2: The same here!

MAGILLA GORILLA: At any rate, Pete and Pete, good to meet you ... and I'm certain we're going to make our way up and out of what you've been going through! So, guys, meet me by the beach every morning about ten and we'll discover something interesting that'll take your mind off your situations....

[ketso]

Episode 15

…

The second date

I am dolling up for our second date. He says I should be my most comfortable and wear the one outfit I would not mind getting dirty in. The makeup is thus minimal. I wear black gym tights and an oversized purple t-shirt. He arrives at 05H00, the exact time he told me to be ready by. After two knocks, I open for him. He is wearing long tracksuit pants and a vest.

"Perfect", he says as he walks in.

"Where are we going, Zithulele?" I ask him.

"It’s a surprise. You will need a cap. I bought you a pair of hiking boots", he says.

Oh hell no!

"We are going hiking?" I ask him, annoyed actually.

He smiles at me.

There is nothing amusing about this. SERIOUSLY?! I'm not a hiking kind of girl.

He manages to get me out the house and we drive to the hiking place.

I passed out in the car on our way to this hike. Zee wakes me up as he parks the car. We get out of the car and kiss. I was not happy about this hike this morning, but now that we are here, nature is making me fall in love with the idea.

We make our way to the entrance and Zee pays. He speaks a bit with the security guard at the gate for a few minutes. We then start our hike.

Five kilometres into the hike and we are still laughing. We are chatting about and laughing as if we are not doing some hectic workout. It starts drizzling and suddenly, this hike feels like the best part of my year. When we reach eight kilometres, the uphill climb begins.

"You still okay?" He asks me. Shame he is even holding my hand.

"I'm okay, baby. My ass just feels heavy", I say.

He laughs.

"I love that ass. It's sexy", he says.

We chuckle and walk about.

We are on our way uphill when we bump into the Mohale twins with some girls that they are with.

"Is this a group date?" I ask. I am also slightly offended because I actually like Regodise. I hope Ona is not cheating on her already.

Zee holds my hand and kisses it. He smiles at me as if begging me to be a little more tolerant.

"Hey!" The two ladies who are with the Mohale twins greet me.

"Hey ladies. How are you?" Me.

"We good. I'm Maphito", one of the girls says.

"And I'm Cynthia, but everyone calls me Cynn", the other says.

"I'm Letlali. Lovely meeting you ladies", I say. Maphito looks like she is older than all of us here. She is very pretty, but she’s old. She’s also wearing gym tights and a crop top. Her ass is as flat as a plank, I tell you. But her boobs are as massive as my ass. Cynn looks like she was picked up from a prostitution ring. Everything about her just tells you that you would find her outside of a motel called Stardust selling herself for R50 a night. Her outfit is concerning. She is hiking in a mini-dress that’s as short as the bumshorts that she is wearing underneath that dress. She has a weave on – human hair, but not 100% human hair. And she has her heels in her hands. Please don’t tell me this girl came to hike in high heels.

The guys are already chatting about and hiking ahead of us. Us, the ladies, are talking about useless things and laughing behind them. I am actually enjoying this. Maphito, in her crop top, has well-toned abs. She clearly does this often amongst other ways of keeping fit. Cynn is forcing us to walk slower because hiking barefoot is not exactly recommended.

The rain starts pouring and the men are no longer in sight. What kind of date is this? We keep walking uphill with the ladies trying our best not to slip on one of these rocks. We get to the top of the hill after an hour and a half. We find the men chatting to Morena Mohato Mohale and Shaka Maphumulo. They are in some car that seems to have driven up this hill instead of them walking like the rest of us. The conversation that they are having seems extremely tense. Maphito also suddenly looks very concerned and Cynn looks like she wants to burst into tears any minute now. I am the only person who is lost about what is going on here.

I am just standing here being rained on and trying to catch my breath and feel my legs again. These girls are freezing in their crop tops and mini-dresses. I'm just as cold because even my oversized t-shirt is wet. Ona looks in our direction and instructs us to walk towards them. I hope they are giving us a lift back to the entrance.

“Babe, not you.” Maphito says to me.

I am officially annoyed! But I am also extremely curious now as to what the hell is going on here. Cynn is THROWN – not put in – aggressively THROWN into the boot of the car that the king and Mr Maphumulo are driving. Maphito is now arguing with the king and the king slaps the crap out of her. Zithulele and Khotso both look at me. I can see everything, but I cannot hear anything. The rain is pouring and also messing with the vision of my eyes. I do, however, see Ona shove Maphito in the boot where Cynn was thrown in.

What’s happening?

Eventually, the guys come back to me. I give Zithulele a sour face. This is not a date. I don’t know what this is, but I don’t like it at all. I'm not impressed. He takes his wet vest and pulls it over my head. Now my body and his are under his vest. He is busy kissing me, not even giving me a chance to complain.

"You want us to make our way down the hill now? We will spend the rest of the afternoon cuddled together on my couch." He says.

"That sound very tempting. But the first thing that we are doing before we even cuddle is drinking a cup of moringa", I say.

He laughs aloud.

"You lovebirds are headed down the trail with us?" Ona.

Zee and I become decent again then make our way down the hill with the Mohale twins. No one is even addressing what I just witnessed. Ona is cracking jokes and everyone is laughing because he actually is funny. It takes us two and half hours in the rain to get to the bottom then to our cars again. All three of these men were absolute gentlemen in helping me down the climb.

The drive back is great. We get comfort food and drive to his apartment. I am actually going to his apartment for the first time today. We are parking the car and I can already see that this is quite the apartment. We make our way to his apartment using an elevator from the basement parking. This guy has a lot of money for a student. Nice apartment and an expensive car? He cannot just be a student. But it bothers me that the Mohale twins almost treat him like the weakest link in their team. Nobody wants to be committed to someone's bitch. It just seems that Zee is the Mohale bitch and I do not like it.

We walk into his apartment and it is absolutely beautiful.

"Your place is really nice", I say.

"Our place. You are welcome here any day and any time", he says.

I smile at him.

"Get out of those wet clothes. You'll get sick", he says.

"Do you mind if we shower in different bathrooms? I just -

"Tlali, I want you to be comfortable. I will not put any pressure on you to do anything that you are not comfortable with doing. We are doing this at your pace, okay my love?" Zee.

I smile at him. I kiss him. Now I'm turned on and he seems to notice it because he pushes me back and says, "Different bathrooms remember? Don't get me all excited only to leave me with blue balls." He says.

We both laugh aloud. After we have showered up, we drank a cup of moringa then cuddled to a movie. And yes, he hated every sip of that moringa cup.

…

Today, Zee and I are going on our very first weekend away. He is taking me to Mount C Cabins for the weekend. It is a beautiful tourist attraction holiday destination. We will be there for the weekend and I am very excited.

"Baby, thank you for not asking me about what happened that evening I showed up completely fucked up at your place. It's been a week now and you've been really cool about it. I really appreciate that." He says.

"I figured you'd tell me what happened when you were ready. But don't get comfortable with me not asking you questions. Now that you are my boyfriend, there are some answers I will demand", I say.

"You strike me as the kind of woman who knows when to ask questions and also knows when to back off. That's why I like you", he says.

I don't know how to swallow that statement. I just keep quiet and look out of the window.

We arrive at the lodge and check in. We are staying at a hotel because it is just the two of us. The chalets house a minimum of six people. These hotels are so beautiful. I have never been to a hotel before. Everything is super white and perfect.

"Thank you", I say to him.

He smiles at me.

"Our game drive starts in the next thirty minutes, so if you want to change, now is the time to do it", he says.

I went shopping for this weekend, so I have an outfit for everything. We put the itinerary together and we are very excited about this.

I quickly shower while he is on the phone talking to someone. I lotion myself then wear black denim shorts, a Lakers basketball jersey that he once left at my place and is now never getting back and a pair of black Jordan fours that Zee bought for me. I have braids on my hair that I did myself. They look good. I'm good at doing my own hair. I wear a black sweatband on my hair and have my braids hanging low. The basketball jersey is longer than my shorts.

"You look nice", he says as he gets off his phone and walks up to me.

"Thank you, baby", I reply.

We kiss.

"Ready to go?" Him.

I nod my head.

I grab a purple sling bag then put my phone and bankcard inside of it. I throw in the three hundred cash I had in my purse as well.

"You not going to need that", Zee says to me.

"What?" I ask. What is he talking about?

"Money and your bankcard. You will never need that when you go anywhere with me", he says.

"Okay. I was just taking it in case we needed to buy something small along the way like food or snacks or drinks. Maybe they don't have card machines. It's not always a bad idea to have cash on you", I say.

"Love, everything we do gets charged to our room. We settle the bill when we leave. You don't need the cash", he says.

With that, I take out my cash and bankcard and put it back in my purse.

We leave our room holding hands. I feel so out of place.

The game drive was nice. We had fun. We were actually in the moment and cellphones only came out to take pictures.

"You joining me in the jacuzzi? I booked it out for the night so we could have some privacy". He says.

I googled what a jacuzzi was before we got here because I didn't want to feel like a poor girl from the shack behaving rural around a jacuzzi.

"Sure. But can we eat first? I’m starving", I say.

"Our meals are on their way up. We will eat in here then dash out", he says.

I bought a cool bikini that I saw online. I change into that then throw a gown over it. I'd like to believe that I have a nice body. I'm fit and toned. I can't do anything about my big ass. No matter how much I workout – and I know it's not a lot – my ass always looks like it's ready to twerk. Apparently it's cool to have a big ass. For me, it's a major insecurity.

We eat dinner then head to the jacuzzi.

Zee is in the water, topless and divinely good looking. He looks at me.

"Join me", he says.

I take off my gown and his jaw drops.

"Don’t look at me like that. You making me nervous", I tell him.

"Why? Baby, you are so beautiful. And your body – wow". He says.

I get into the water. As soon as the water has covered my body, I feel a lot better.

"Umuhle", he says to me.

"Kea leboha", I reply.

"I'm still marrying you at the end of the year", he says.

I laugh.

"I'm serious", he says, chuckling.

"Okay Zithulele", I say, laughing. Mxim.

We talk about this and that. He tells me about some of his childhood memories- the great ones, the bad ones and the ones that made him.

I listen and laugh a lot. He is actually a very funny guy. He is funny when he is not picking on me all the time and calling me Moringa.

After an hour in the jacuzzi, we go to our room. I take off the gown with my back to him and my ass is just there, in his face. Before I know it, his hands are on my ass and he is horny. I turn around. We look at each other.

"I want to, but what if I mess it up?" I ask him.

"Let me take care of you. Come here," he replies. I follow him to the bed. He lies me down on my tummy.

He starts laying gentle kisses on me, starting from my feet and making his way to my neck. While he does this, his hands are gently massaging my fat ass. I thought I'd be scared. I thought I'd be nervous. But, I'm so turned on.

He is caressing my neck with his lips and caressing my lower back with his hands.

I always knew that I'd never lose my virginity to another virgin because I always thought that would be quite a painful mess. But I never believed that losing my virginity to someone experienced meant that I would be taken care of like this and that for the first time in my whole life, everything is about me. In this moment right now, he has made the entire experience about me and I'm so wet.

I am now lying on my back and he is on top of me. He is kissing me, making love to me without penetrating me. He is making love me with every part of his body except his penis. His lips are not kissing me. They are making love to my lips, my breasts, my tummy and my inner thighs.

His hands are not holding me. His hands are locating all my g-spots and penetrating me without even being inside my vagina.

I release a tear.

"What’s wrong, my love?" Even his voice is bringing me closer to an orgasm.

"Nothing. Everything is perfect. Thank you for rewarding me for waiting until the time is right. Now my first time is going to be everything waiting promised it would be", I say.

"Damn girl, you got game", he says.

We both giggle.

The condom comes out and he slides it on after unwrapping it.

He comes inside of me. It is a bit painful. But I can handle the pain. He kisses me. He is now in motion. It is everything. It is slow. It is fast. It is reaching spots inside of me I never thought existed. I start moaning. He is moaning. He lifts my left leg up and pushes himself in deeper. Now I'm screaming and he is laying his face against my inner thigh as he just satisfies me. My body starts shaking and I feel an orgasmic feeling as he groans like an animal being slaughtered and shakes too.

We are now breathing heavily.

I try to get comfortable and he says, "Don’t move, love. You are bleeding. I'm going to put my t-shirt underneath you so you don't mess the white sheets okay?" Him.

He reaches for his t-shirt then instead of just giving it to me to sort myself out, he wipes me quite clean.

We climb off the bed. He gets into the toilet and takes off the condom. There is a lot of sperm in there. He gets into the shower and asks me to join him. I oblige. We make out in the shower. We wash each other's bodies then we step out. We dry ourselves up and get into bed.

"You are perfect. Thank you for giving yourself to me. I love you", he says.

I kiss him.

"Thank you for taking care of me. You are perfect. I love you too." Me.

My phone rings while I'm wrapped in Zee's arms and we are both deep in sleep. He wakes up and stretches his arms. My body feels a bit sore.

"You okay?" He asks me.

"Yeah, my body just hurts a little. You put it on me real good last night", I say.

We chortle.

My phone rings again.

It is Atisang.

I answer my phone.

"Ati?"

"Tlali", he says.

But there is shouting and a lot of commotion in the background. I put him on speaker.

"Ati, what's going on?" I ask. I'm nervous now.

"Papa. He is at it again. He beat up mama, brought some woman home and is now kicking mama and me out. We tried to reach Reitumetsi and Suzi, but I cannot reach them." He says.

Zee jumps out the bed and starts getting dressed.

"Come on, let's hurry up." He says as he throws clothes at me.

"Ati, I am coming", I say.

We hang up.

As we drive home, Zee driving like he is trying to kill us, I sob in the car. My father is honestly the worst. How could he?

We arrive and find the community already watching my dad swearing at my mother and throwing her clothes at her. I climb out of the car and so does Zithulele. He gets my mom and puts her in the car.

"What the fuck is wrong with you?!" I yell my dad.

"Don’t disrespect me, you ungrateful piece of shit", he yells back.

"You are the ungrateful piece of shit! How dare you kick my mother out of her own house! Who the hell do you think you are?" I fight back.

Atisang packs what he can and gets into the car with my mom. Zee tries to pull me back while my dad is busy swearing at me.

"You know what papa, I wish you find a woman who has a killing STD and gives it to you so that you can die a slow and painful death. You are better off to us dead", I say.

The people in the community are shocked and are basically calling me disrespectful. Some people are on my side and are saying I'm absolutely right. My dad slaps me. Zithulele steps up to him, threatening to hit him, basically.

"What do you think you are doing, young man?! You want to hit me?! You want to hit me?!" My dad is honestly a piece of shit.

"Come on baby. Let’s go", I say to him.

He puts his arm around me and leads me to the car. We take off.

He moves my mom into a bedroom upstairs that is next to his main bedroom. He moves my brother to the guest bedroom downstairs.

"Baby, are you okay?" He asks me.

"Mama just went to sleep. Ati seems comfortable in front of the TV. Thank you for bringing us here", I say.

He kisses me.

"This place is really nice. Are you sure you are just a club manager?" Me.

He smiles at me.

"You drive a very nice car and you live in a beautiful townhouse. Why can't you just be honest with me about how you make your money? I'm not going to break up with you just because you are rich", I say.

"You promise?" Him.

I giggle.

"The club is mine. I bought it with some money that my parents had left for us. I didn't want to blow the money on stupid shit, so I found a way to invest the money in something that would make me money back. I'm in school because I definitely want to grow my money. The club is a good start for me." He says.

"Why wouldn't you tell me that?" I say.

"I wanted you to just see me. Many women see my money and what it can do for them. I liked the fact that you saw a student driving around in a car that a sibling could have bought for him and still loved me. I know you are here for me and I want to share everything I have with you." He says.

I nod my head.

"I saw boxes of 72 hour emergency morning after pills in your room. Why do you have those?" Me.

"I give them to bitches I spend the night with. I'm not trying to be trapped by anyone", he says.

"It’s called a condom", I say.

"I use one too. Nothing wrong with extra protection. God helps those who help themselves", he says.

"You tight with God like that?" Me.

"Well, that man has a way with words. Quoting the Bible can get you a girl in all age groups. And his words just get you out of shit arguments and can get a woman in your bed. That song of songs chapter man – damn", he says.

I am in stitches.

What the hell?!

He smiles at me.

"I love you, Tlali", he says.

"Then get rid of those morning after pills because no bitch is setting foot in here ever again.”

He laughs aloud.

My mom walks into the bedroom we have assigned to her as I bring in tea and a slice of chocolate cake. She was taking a shower in the in-suite bathroom.

"That looks nice", my mom says.

She lotions herself and dresses into pyjamas that I bought for her earlier on. Zithulele has gone back to the lodge to get our stuff. Atisang walks in with his slice of cake and tea. We all sit on the floor because my mom doesn't allow us to eat while sitting on the bed.

This is nice.

Reitumetsi did call us to check if we were okay. He promised to come by to see us tomorrow before Zee and I drive mama back to the royal house.

"Mama, you should leave him", I say.

"I'm not having this conversation with you. Besides, this is your father that we are talking about", my mom says.

"More like a sperm donour", I mumble.

"Hhe eh bathung! Glass windows!" She always says that when she is about to call us hypocrites.

"You have your own man now, Tlali. Leave me and mine alone. I've been with that man for thirty-five years. I can't just leave the home that he has provided me and my children", she says.

"What home is that, mama? The same home he has always chased us out of every time he got drunk and met a woman?" I say.

My mom passes me a sharp look.

I raises my hands in surrender.

"So, are things serious with this boy?" My mom asks me.

I smile.

"And then?" Mama.

"We are serious", I say.

"He loves you, you know", Atisang.

"I know. I love him too", I say.

"Well, you are definitely glowing. Nana, these things are not easy and forever is a very long time to be with a man. It requires you to be very selfless. Sometimes, it's going to be about you and he will probably be selfless in making everything about you. Then when it is time to make everything about him, you also need to remember to be selfless enough to make sure that he gets everything he needs from you and of you in that moment. That's how you make it to thirty-five years and three children", my mom says.

Ati and I laugh.

Zee walks into the bedroom after two knocks.

"Why are you sitting on the floor?" That’s his first question.

"You and Tlali better not be eating in bed or on blankets", my mom.

We all laugh.

"Come sit with us, my son", my mom says.

This moves Zee. He sits next to me.

We spend the rest of the evening on the floor eating junk and drinking the worst of things. This is nice. It is really nice.

I have left Moringa with her mother and her brother at my place this morning. I have business to do. I know that I have to take the mother back to the royal house some time later today, so I am hoping that we will be done with whatever pope wants us to do here today.

Pule is not here today and the twins seem a bit – I don’t know – off. Pope is in a good mood though and he is even paying us bonuses in travel bags. Basically, he stashes money in travel bags and gives us each a travel bag full of money. It is not the kind of money that you walk into a bank and deposit into your account. Now that Moringa is at my place with her family, I am going to struggle with hiding this bag of money.

Ona’s phone goes off and he reaches for it. Since he got married, he actually cares about his phone ringing and about text messages coming into his phone. There was a time where Ona would go an entire weekend with his cellphone off and he would say that he didn’t want to be bothered. Now, he is all about his phone because he never wants to miss a call or text message from his wife. I respect Regodise like I’ve never respected another human being in life.

“Ona, is there a problem?” bishop asks him. He has been staring at his cellphone for a very long time and his face tells us that something is extremely wrong.

“I think we are being recorded”, Ona says.

We all jump off our chairs. Ona keeps staring at his phone. Pope grabs the cellphone from Ona and reads off his screen.

“Who sent this to you?” Pope enquires.

“It says that it is an untraceable number.” Ona says.

“Is there anyone who can uncover it for us?” Pope.

“We don’t have the time for that, pope. Let’s get out of here and go talk somewhere else.” Bishop.

Pope and bishop left without us. Ona, Khotso, Jabu, Phendu and I decide to go to some guy’s apartment. His name is Maboko. I have seen him around the twins a lot. He has a lot of drama and needs an ass-whipping for the kind of man that he is. Khotso is not okay. He is very depressed today. And I can tell you now that when Khotso is this way, someone is going to die.

We are led to a clubhouse and we will be hanging out there. I miss Moringa. Let me phone her.

“Hey baby”, she answers her phone.

“You must call me baby and other nice things every day.”

She laughs.

“Are you guys okay? Did mom and Atisang sleep well?” I ask her.

“We are all fine. Mama has cooked and Atisang is binch-watching stuff on the TV. Where are you?” She asks me.

���I’m with the guys – the twins and my brothers. We had some work to do this morning.”

“So when will you be back?”

“What’s wrong, love? Do you miss me?”

She laughs then says, “There’s something that I need to talk to you about.”

“It sounds serious.”

“It kinda is. Can you come back home? I want us to chat before we take mama back to the royal house.”

“Okay baby. I’ll see you in about an hour or so.”

She hangs up.

“Here’s some beer”, Khotso says as he gives me beer.

I accept the beer and say, “Thanks man. Are you alright?”

He slightly giggles then says, “Fiks is pregnant.”

“Shouldn’t you be happy?”

“I would if it were my child.”

OH SHIT!

I did say that someone is going to die for Khotso being depressed.

He laughs at my reaction then he says, “My mother was right about her. She just wanted what I came with, she didn’t want me.”

Suddenly, the gents are all around us now and we are all listening to what Khotso is saying.

“Last night, she was sleeping next to me and I couldn’t even get a wince of sleep. I wanted to kill her right there and then. How could Fiks do this to me?”

“Do you know who the man is that she is cheating with?” Maboko, the most scandalous of us all, enquires.

“I have one better. I put cameras all over her apartment and in her car. The bastard is at her place as we speak.” Khotso says.

These men are twisted. There is no way that this is normal. In fact, when you get to this level of distrust in your relationship, end it. That relationship has no point when it gets to this stage. You know, Ona is the heartless twin, but at least he will tell you to phone your side piece and invite him over. Then he will force you to have sex in front of him so he has evidence of what he needs and make the two of you kill each other. Khotso is very calculative and all his moves have a purpose. They lead to an entire story and by the time you die, he doesn’t even have to tell you why you are dying. You will just know that your name has been called at the pearly gates.

Ona has organised that the club house give us a screen we can project on and asks the staff to give us space. Khotso projects his phone on the screen and we are all watching Fikile and her guy on the screen. They are talking while Fikile is cooking for him.

The guy: “So, how did Khotso react to the news?”

Fikile: “At first, he was an asshole and told me that the pregnancy is impossible. But now he is warming up to it.”

The guy: “Just like that?”

Fikile: “Just like that.”

The guy: “And that doesn’t worry you?”

Fikile: “Why should it worry me?”

The guy: “These are Mohato’s sons. If there ever was a doubt in their minds about the paternity of this child, it is still there. They have just become creative in dealing with you. I would feel better if Khotso was actually showing you that he is upset and he is doubting you. But if he is accepting of this child – after denying it – then you should be worried.”

Fikile thinks a bit. Then she says, “Nah, if it were Ona that we are talking about, I’d understand. Khotso loves me and he is very genuine. He would never hurt me.”

The guy: “If it were Ona, we wouldn’t even be talking. You would know that your days are officially numbered. Khotso is the one that you should be worried about. You wont even see your death coming with that one.”

Fikile is not convinced. In fact, she shuts him up with a kiss. We are all looking at Khotso now and he is taking all of this in – all of it. The kissing. The caressing. The moaning. The whispers about how much this man cares about Fikile and how he can take better care of her and their child. Phendu looks like he wants to fly out of here and tell Fikile that Khotso is watching her. Phendu has no heart at all. His face! Ona looks like he is itching to murder her.

The video is now playing in the background as a call comes through Khotso’s phone. The caller ID reads “Maphito Lentsoe”. Khotso and Ona look at each other. Khotso disconnects his cellphone from the screen then takes the call outside.

“Daddy, what are you guys watching?” Maboko’s son startles all of us. Maboko is mortified! Ona is the one who steps in and says, “Some stupid people signing off their death wish.” Wow! Such language to a child. We are all deeply disturbed by what Ona just told a child.

“A death wish?” The kid.

“Bane, where’s your mom?” Maboko asks him.

The kid points in a direction and we see the mother chilling on a bench and working on her laptop.

“What did you see on the screen?” I ask because we need to establish how much lying we are going to need to do here.

“Just someone phoning Uncle Khotso. Do you all watch phone calls come into your phones?”

To say that we are relieved would be an understatement. We actually all laugh at how relieved we are.

“Uncle Ona, do you want to go and play Fifa?” This child though…

I excuse myself from the day and make my way back home to talk to Tlali before taking her mother back to the royal house.

I get home and find a lot of activity in my penthouse. I like this and all, but it really is overwhelming. I would think that it would be Tlali and I first before her family is all over my house. Had I known that having sex with her would mean marriage from the get-go, I would have delayed it a bit further. It’s not that I mind taking care of Tlali and her family. I just would prefer it if we were taking care of them in their own house. I would be more comfortable with paying rent for them somewhere than having them here.

“Hey”, Tlali meets me at the door and greets me. She plants a kiss on my lips.

“Hey baby. How are you?” I ask her.

“I’m good. Are you alright?”

I nod my head then say, “So what’s up? You said we needed to talk.”

She leads me outside and shuts the door. Now we are talking outside of our own house. Hai cha!

“So, mama and I were thinking that maybe Atisang should stay here with you for some time until things get a bit better with my dad.” She says.

“Letlali, how do you go and speak to your mother about something like that before you come and speak to me about it? You are not asking me or talking to me about it at this point, you are informing me.”

“I didn’t think you’d have a problem with it.”

“How do you reach that conclusion? You were sleeping over at my house for the first time yesterday. At what point did you feel the need to make a decision about the living arrangements in my house without even spending a week here?”

“Bathung Zithulele! Are you being serious right now?”

“Please get your mother so that we could take her back to the royal house.” I say this then leave her standing there and make my way back to my car. I need to do something about this travel bag full of money.

I walk into my garage and try to look for a hiding space. There is a cupboard of old stuff in here. I go grab the bag and put it in here. Now I must hide things in my own damn house! Nx!

The drive back to the royal house is silent. Letlali is sulking and I’m just driving while listening to the radio. Tlali’s mother is sewing something while sitting in the backseat and Atisang has headsets on. We arrive at the royal house and we are let in. The servant quarters are a bit of a drive away, so we drive there and stop outside the house that Tlali’s mother stays in. I offload her bags for her and put them in her room. Then I head back to the car, giving the three of them space to talk.

Tlali comes back to the car alone. She shuts the door with aggression.

“Is Atisang coming?” I ask her.

“You made it very clear that you don’t want him in your house. He will stay with mama.”

If that was an option, why was my house the first suggestion brought forward? Mxm! I just start my engine and start driving. If Tlali is expecting an apology from me, it’s not coming!

The Mohale twins drive in as I drive out and they stop the car. I guess they saw me. I stop my car. Regodise is sitting in the backseat.

“Sho”, Khotso greets me. He is the one who is driving.

“Sho. I was just dropping off Tlali’s mother.” I say.

“Why don’t you stay for a late lunch with us?”

I really don’t want to. I want to drop Tlali off at her res room then go and have peace in my house. But I agree and drive back in.

“Why are we staying? I’m not in the mood for people.” She says to me.

“Then stay in the car. But I’m not going to be rude just because you think you are too good to be nice and respectful to people.”

She is offended by this. She even looks like she wants to cry.

I get out of the car after I have parked it. It is Regodise who gets Tlali out of the car and at this point, I couldn’t care less what she told Regodise about me and why she is crying and in a mood.

“And then?” Ona is the one who asks me.

“She’s just annoying me today.” I say.

“At least she’s not cheating on you, man.” Khotso. By the way, his problems are bigger than all of us.

Food is served and we eat. Tlali’s mother is one of the servants who are serving us food and drinks and this suddenly feels uncomfortable. The rules are that the servants are not even allowed to look us in the eye, nevermind talk to us.

“MmeThokoane, you are excused for the rest of the afternoon, mama.” The queen says. I think she picked up the discomfort at the table.

Tlali walks up and runs after her mother. I am not sure what I need to do, but I stand up and say, “Please excuse us. We are really sorry about this.”

“We understand”, Regodise says to me.

I walk out and find Tlali talking to her mother outside. I cannot read their emotions. I stand at a distance and just let them talk. When they are done, Tlali walks towards me then says, “Can we please just go?”

We both head to the car.

As I park the car outside of her room, she starts crying. I switch off my engine and just sit there. I am waiting for her to start talking. I look out the window as I wait. She eventually stops crying and she says, “Zithulele, my family is very important to me. If you reject them, you reject me.”

“How did I reject them, Letlali?”

“Why don’t you want Atisang at your place?”

“I don’t have to explain that to anyone. It is my place and if I want my privacy, I don’t need to explain why I want it. That’s not rejecting your family, that’s me being entitled to whatever I want in my house. But you, Letlali, you did all of this and put everyone in an uncomfortable position. You were supposed to talk to me first. You don’t make decisions about my space and expect me to just agree. It doesn’t work that way.”

“I really didn’t think this would be a big deal. I honestly thought that you understood what my family meant to me. You were there with me, Zithulele, watching my father kick my brother and mother out. I just thought you’d understand why Atisang wouldn’t be able to go back there alone.”

“I’m not saying that I don’t understand, Letlali. I do understand. I’m saying that I am also part of your life now and my role in your life is not to just carry you and your family however you see fit. You need to talk to me. We could have sat down and talked about the options that we do have then go to your mother and brother with a solution. You don’t do that with your mother then come to inform me – especially if you are making a decision about my house.”

She takes a deep sigh and nods her head.

“I’m sorry”, she says.

I end up staying the night at her postgraduate res.