aymanaboubakr

[hyohaehyuk]

 @purplerose9094

whatever dude. you dont even fucking know me. so stop acting like you do i'm starting to get really done with people like you. According to you i am the fake elf here but at least is not me that are bully others and being too much pressed about others opinions. suju would be so sad knowing that people like you are their fans

DO SOMETHING WITH YOUR SHITTY LIFE (bc apparently my own is more interessent than your) and leave me alone. i was not searching for your approval to be an elf or not, to stay or leave the fandom.

Is funny seeing the hipocrisy that you and many others elf are more concerned with my opinion about suju music than actually trying to doing something for suju members like henry, zhoumi and sungmin. probably you are even one of the xxxxxx out (i would not be so surprised seeing that you are even bullying me and that is all i see this fandom do it since the beginning: bullying members, bullying others elf, bullying non-elf)

this will be my last post about it. but just to you know is not just suju music that is drive me away from them anymore, more and more is pathetic and bitter people like you that dont accept others opinions bc “we all have to blindly like what oppas release” that drives me away. 

I'm not feeling welcomed in this fandom anymore so yap congratulations you may end up having what you want. elf are getting in same (or even worse) level of toxiness than a**y fandom right now so shame on you

i will let you read this to re-think your shitty attitude to others and apologize to me. if you dont, then after one day i will block you bc i am sick of bullies like you and i am not obligated to have to deal with you

Block is what you should had do if you didn't like of a opinion. you didnt have any need to comment on the post. you cleary are pressed and bored so you wanted to fight with others

[46ten]

The Reynolds Pamphlet, Part 2

Background statements here, with facts and speculation. 

I'm examining the Reynolds Pamphlet text, in both its draft and final versions as found on Founders Online Archive, as it pertains to the Hamilton marriage. (I haven’t removed all of the Founders editing notes for the Draft. If it makes it too difficult to read, find it here.) Caveat: I am not looking at the original texts and Founders Online has been known to mistranscribe letters, state incorrect dates or include speculation in footnotes that upon closer examination, just don't make sense.

Draft:

If luckily , Start deletion,any private foible, End, for the conspirators , Start deletion,against, End, some little , Start deletion,personal, End, foible folly or indiscretion can be dis[c]overed in any of those whom they desire to persecute it becomes at once in their hands a two edged , Start insertion,poignard, End, sword by which to wound the public fame and to stab the private felicity of the person. With , Start deletion,these, End,, Start insertion,such, End, cannibals of character, nothing is sacred. The peace even of an innocent and , Start deletion,virtuous, End,, Start insertion,amiable, End, wife is a , Start deletion,good victim, End, welcome victim to their , Start insertion,greedy, End, insatiate fury against the husband. And the secret irregularities of a father are without scruple to be recorded and handed down for the imitation of his children.

Printed:

If, luckily for the conspirators against honest fame, any little foible or folly can be traced out in one, whom they desire to persecute, it becomes at once in their hands a two-edged sword, by which to wound the public character and stab the private felicity of the person. With such men, nothing is sacred. Even the peace of an unoffending and amiable wife is a welcome repast to their insatiate fury against the husband.

AH notes that this is a private matter between himself and his wife that is being dragged into the public. He deletes the mention of his children here also, probably to avoid further speculation into his private life. I can also speculate why he deletes "virtuous" - such a statement draws attention to EH's character,  when her virtue is not on trial. She's a good wife; he doesn't need to state here that she's a virtuous wife, for it would then be inviting attacks on her character for his infidelity.

Draft: 

The charge against me is a connection with one James Reynolds , Start deletion,in speculation, End, for , Start insertion,some, End, purposes of , Start insertion,improper pecuniary, End, speculations , Start deletion,in the funds or in some other very improper object of profit, End,. My real crime is a loose connection with his wife which there is every reason to believe I was drawn into by a combination between husband and wife with design to extort money from me.

I do not make this confession without a blush. I shall not be the apologist of any Vice because the ardour of passion has made it mine. I , Start deletion,shall never, End, can never cease to censure myself for the pang which the publication of it may inflict upon a bosom , Start deletion,which, End,, Start insertion,that, End, has every title to be the depository of my utmost , Start insertion,fidelity, End, gratitude and , Start insertion,, Start deletion,fidelity, End,, End, love. , Start deletion,And I can only throw myself upon its gener But there are occasions when a man ought to, End, But she herself will approve that even at so great an expence I wipe away a more serious stain from a , Start deletion,name, End, fame so interesting and so dear to her.

Printed:

...The charge against me is a connection with one James Reynolds for purposes of improper pecuniary speculation. My real crime is an amorous connection with his wife, for a considerable time with his privity and connivance, if not originally brought on by a combination between the husband and wife with the design to extort money from me.

This confession is not made without a blush. I cannot be the apologist of any vice because the ardour of passion may have made it mine. I can never cease to condemn myself for the pang, which it may inflict in a bosom eminently intitled to all my gratitude, fidelity and love. But that bosom will approve, that even at so great an expence, I should effectually wipe away a more serious stain from a name, which it cherishes with no less elevation than tenderness. The public too will I trust excuse the confession. The necessity of it to my defence against a more heinous charge could alone have extorted from me so painful an indecorum.

"never cease to censure myself for the pang which the publication of it..." I think is at least decent evidence that she knew already of the infidelity, the question is in the public reveal. He removes this from the printed version, I suspect, because it comes to close to making EH look like she has full knowledge of her husband's infidelity, and has been working with him to keep it a secret.

"may inflict in a bosom that has every title to be the deposit of my utmost fidelity, gratitude, and love," changed to "eminently intitled to all my gratitude, fidelity and love." This belief about marriage is echoed in other AH letters.

Again, he deflects attention from EH’s possible reaction in favor of stating that his wife will approve of this public disclosure.

Here, the strong sense I get is of the Hamiltons not only as a private team, but as a public one - they were political helpmates. She had a demanding role to play, politically and socially, as his wife, and they act together in accordance with what ensures his political strength. The musical Hamilton has made EH come across as uninterested in AH’s political life, but EH's actual life speaks to nearly the opposite (barring high costs to their lives). She's the scion of a politically active (and scheming) father; she marries a deeply politically ambitious man; her ideal woman is Martha Washington, a woman who was highly skilled at the political/social game - quite the iron manipulator in her own right - but who came across as warm and tender to most in her social/political circle. 

Draft:

As to Mrs. Reynolds testimony , Start deletion,when it shall appear that she was in a combination with her husband to prostitute herself, End,, , Start deletion,the inference will be a natural one that she was in the other plot to criminate & it will be presently seen, End, it will be equally undeserving of credit either from the supposition that she acted under the duress of her husband or was a party to the plot as will fuly appear in the sequel.

Printed:

...As to Mrs. Reynolds, if she was not an accomplice, as it is too probable she was, her situation would naturally subject her to the will of her husband. But enough besides will appear in the sequel to shew that her testimony merits no attention...

AH’s draft is much harsher in his opinion of MR and her involvement. He moderates that the final version to note the will of a husband over his wife. In claiming that he’s a victim of the Reynolds’ machinations, AH has to portray himself as pretty easily duped, which is not how we wants to portray himself. So he portrays MR as a victim too, and he’ s the upstanding gentleman struggling to do the right thing for a seemingly innocent woman, and constantly giving her the benefit of the doubt. It’s not a believable narrative. 

Draft:

After this, I had frequent meetings with here most of them at my own house. Mrs. Hamilton being absent on a visit to her father with her Children. In the course of a short time she mentioned to me that , Start deletion,her husband she had reason to think, End, her husband had solicited , Start deletion,an accommodation, End,, Start insertion,a reconciliation, End, with her and pretended to ask my advice. I advised her to the accommodation; which she shortly afterwards told me had taken place

Printed:

After this, I had frequent meetings with her, most of them at my own house; Mrs. Hamilton with her children being absent on a visit to her father.30 In the course of a short time, she mentioned to me that her husband had solicited a reconciliation, and affected to consult me about it. I advised to it, and was soon after informed by her that it had taken place.

This is terrible, but I suspect AH is trying to accomplish a few things:

Make clear that he's not running out of the house sleeping with women.

Make clear that his wife was absent - therefore, it was not because of dissatisfaction with her that he was unfaithful.

Leave the impression that it WASN'T the situation that he had a wife and children at home and he was sneaking out of the house to conduct this affair (never mind that EH was only gone back 6 weeks, and this affair was conducted intermittently over about a year.) He wants to paint a more favorable picture of himself than that. Look, he is even a helpful marriage counselor! (tongue-in-cheek)  

Printed version only: 

...But it is observed that the dread of the disclosure of an amorous connection was not a sufficient cause for my humility, and that I had nothing to lose as to my reputation for chastity concerning which the world had fixed a previous opinion.

I shall not enter into the question what was the previous opinion entertained of me in this particular nor how well founded, if it was indeed such as it is represented to have been. It is sufficient to say that there is a wide difference between vague rumours and suspicions and the evidence of a positive fact no man not indelicately unprincipled, with the state of manners in this country, would be willing to have a conjugal infidelity fixed upon him with positive certainty. He would know that it would justly injure him with a considerable and respectable portion of the society and especially no man, tender of the happiness of an excellent wife could without extreme pain look forward to the affliction which she might endure from the disclosure, especially a public disclosure, of the fact. Those best acquainted with the interior of my domestic life will best appreciate the force of such a consideration upon me.

The truth was, that in both relations and especially the last, I dreaded extremely a disclosure and was willing to make large sacrifices to avoid it

I'm very interested in the first statement, and admit to having difficulty trying to find AH's negative "reputation for chastity" from contemporary accounts besides the remarks on his background and how that necessitates his predilection to moral failings.

I do believe he “dreaded extremely a disclosure.” The success that JR had blackmailing AH definitely suggests that infidelity was not treated casually in the Hamilton house. 

Draft:

The bare perusal of the letters from Reynolds and his wife must be sufficient to convince the bitterest enemy that there is nothing in the affair worse than , Start deletion,a culpable and, Start insertion,an, End,, End, indelicate , Start insertion,amour—, End, . For this I bow to the just censure which it merits. Taken in all its circumstances I feel myself humbled by it. Tis needless to say more.

Printed:

Thus has my desire to destroy this slander, completely, led me to a more copious and particular examination of it, than I am sure was necessary. The bare perusal of the letters from Reynolds and his wife is sufficient to convince my greatest enemy that there is nothing worse in the affair than an irregular and indelicate amour. For this, I bow to the just censure which it merits. I have paid pretty severely for the folly and can never recollect it without disgust and self condemnation. It might seem affectation to say more.

I admit I find this "needless to say more" a bit funny - this is at the end of a very long account.

But how did he pay "pretty severely for the folly"? And he has already paid? This brings up more questions for me than it answers.

[deilands]

Authentically Ex-Christian, Authentically Human

“Don't let the expectations and opinions of other people affect your decisions. It's your life, not theirs. Do what matters most to you; do what makes you feel alive and happy. Don't let the expectations and ideas of others limit who you are. If you let others tell you who you are, you are living their reality — not yours. There is more to life than pleasing people. There is much more to life than following others' prescribed path. There is so much more to life than what you experience right now. You need to decide who you are for yourself. Become a whole being. Adventure.”

― Roy T. Bennett

I started to write a post last night about one of the follies of Christianity that I feel can cause a lot of problems for people as they move through life. It dealt with the idea that the act of being a strong Christian, by necessity, means you are giving up a certain amount of agency over your own life. An important Christian doctrine, after all, centers around the idea that our own choices are generally suspect and come from a place of deceit instead of good. The post was good and I imagine that I will eventually use at least the skeleton of what it said. I realized though that as I wrote there were things about certain concepts such as ‘death to self’ and the flesh being weak that I still agree with.

Even as a non-believer, I realize that I can be addicted to many things. For some people, nicotine or alcohol can be an addiction, for others its sugar, for others it the need for acceptance or sex or a dozen other things that can easily remove our agency just as easily as the idea that we need a god to help us make our every move. Sometimes, my conscience can be incorrect. Sometimes my intuition leads me in the wrong direction.

Hell, I may be wrong in my suppositions about religion. An honest person must give space to this possibility. Maybe Hinduism is correct. Maybe Christianity is correct. Maybe Islam is correct. Maybe none of us are correct and we simply haven’t found the correct path yet. We may die and find non-existence waiting for us with its endless nothingness or we may all end up together in paradise.

If this is true, then the only thing I can do is live authentically. I sincerely believe that there are much more inconsistencies in the Christian life than there are in the non-Christian life. I didn’t always believe this was true though questions were always present. Part of this authenticity, this honesty as it were, is to say that I didn’t live the life that many of the deconverts I have read about. I didn’t attend a church that forced belief or promoted gross amounts of hatred. If anything, the pastor of the church worked to bring a perspective of love and forgiveness to as much of his message as he could. I haven’t been shunned. When I decided that I didn’t believe in eternal damnation, I could have been kicked out on my rear because I was going against stated beliefs within the church but I wasn’t.

Yes, they were still caught in patriarchy and their belief in the infallibility of Scripture. Yes, even given proof that the belief in eternal damnation was suspect, they continued to be ok with it. Yes, I still believe that in the end, Christianity is much like other religions and the idea of a personified eternal deity does not have enough support to continue to believe. But being authentic means that I can say that there were good things that I learned from being part of that group of people.

What then does it mean to be an authentic ex-Christian? To me, it means recognizing that I don’t have to have all the answers. Quite the opposite. I do have grievances to air. There are things about the religion that I’ve not spoken of because it would be viewed as attacking a cornerstone belief. There are things that make me angry about the Christian church overall. This blog is about that but I want to be clear in my criticisms. I am coming at this from someone who was NOT hurt by the church. Even now – I haven’t had anyone attack me for choice. My perspective is different than some. While I have experienced what it’s like to be judged for my beliefs by some of the closest people to me, I do not feel that I’ve been ostracized overall.

It’s when I stop being authentic that I’ve stopped on my journey. It’s when I stop defining my own life and beliefs that I’ve given over control to others. I will continue to fight for being honest with myself and with all of you.