#what in tarnation or Traumatization of Arcade

[ravel-puzzlewell]

1, 7, 9!!!

1.an overheard conversation about your OC - Jack the Courier, F:NV (nsfw because Cass)

“Hey, Arcade, how is it kicking?”

“… Hi, Cass. It’s… kicking well enough, I suppose.”

“Why do you sound so cagey?”

“Usually you’re not overly concerned with the state of my kicking, so I can’t help but wonder what brought your sudden interest.”

“Hey, come on, we’re teammates. Practically brothers in arms! Can’t we just have a little chat? A bit of gossip to pass time while we’re stuck in this creepy casino like a bunch of harem wives waiting for a sultan to return?”

“…Forgive me, Cass, but how do you know what “sultan” and “harem” are?”

“Jack was telling me about this “Arabian Nights” shit. Resourceful gal, that Sheherezade. Knows that to keep a man hooked, you better bullshit than fuck him.”

“Quite. That’s certainly an interesting way to look at this story. ”

“Speaking of bullshit, you and Jack are thick as thieves these days.”

“I guess so? I can’t say for Jack, of course, but I consider us friends.”

“So you two talk about things with each other, right?”

“That is… an incredibly vague and broad statement. Of course we “talk about things.”

“What does he say about me?”

“Wait, you want to know if Jack likes you?”

“God, what are you, fourteen? I know he “likes” me. I want to know how he talks about me behind my back. You know, in these “man talks” where you guys share disgusting things you think about women.”

“Cass, I’m not sure if you’re aware, but I’m… not even remotely interested in thinking about women.”

“I know, I’m not blind. But you’re the closest thing to a red-blooded male we have there. I don’t think Jack could get drunk and high enough to try and tell dirty secrets to Boone. And Raul is too old and snarky for that.”

“I… can see some logic in this.”

“So maybe while you two were talking about dicks and stuff, he’d drop a line or two about me. And since you always go on about morals and personally don’t see women as tits with legs, I thought you’d be more willing to tell me if Jack said something like “I have three wives with five kids in different towns, but it’s convenient to have a cunt that’s ready to follow you around Mojave.”

“Ugh? I’m… what… no! Nothing like that!”

“Are you sure? Not even “I want to see if I get drunk just from fucking her”?”

“Absolutely sure I wouldn’t forget anything like that.”

“Okay, that’s a surprised blushing, not a guilty one. I actually believe you. You’re the worst liar I’ve ever met. Anyway, Jack is not my usual type. Bookish and polite, usually guys like that have sticks long enough to cross the Colorado river up their asses, - no offense, Arcade.”

“Cass, are you drunk?”

“Of course!”

“I should have seen it coming.”

“But Jack is not stuck up about being smart. He might seem soft and I don’t go for men like that, but once you get to know him, he’s more like a fancy switchblade. Posh pretty handle, but the sharp blade will cut off your fingers if you shake it wrong.”

“I don’t know, I think he’s more of a swiss knife. There’s certainly more to Jack than just a blade. At least a couple of screwdrivers, wire stripper, can opener and a corkscrew.”

“Fair enough. Never seen a knife like that, but never seen a guy like Jack before too. There’s a bit of crazy under all these manners, is what I’m saying.”

“I’d say there’s a lot of crazy, actually.”

“He seems like a guy who would read you a poem, kiss your hand and then dive in between your legs for two hours.”

“It seems you’ve given this a lot of consideration.”

“You bet. I’ve spent days walking the desert with nothing to look at, except Jack’s ass in front of me. Not that I’m complaining, really. But what if he’s all talk, no walk? Happens often with them smooth talkers. What do you think? I figure if someone plays for both sides, he’s gonna either be good or suck at both.”

“I prefer not to have an opinion on the matter.”

“Aw, come on, don’t tell me you’ve never thought about it! Jack flirts like a brahmin farts - uncontrollably and all over the place.”

“I can’t believe we’re having this conversation. Can we stop having it?”

“Nope.”

“What if I hide in the men’s bathroom?”

“And that’s gonna stop me how?”

“Right. Ugh. Okay, if I absolutely have to say something, then… I’ve never seen Jack failing to back up his words with action.”

“Yeah, you’re right. But also, his robot thing. Is it just a thing or, you know, a *thing*?”

“…Pardon me?”

“I mean, normally I’m not that big on jealousy, but I don’t wanna ride a dick that was inside of a vending machine, you know?”

“Oh god. Someone save me.”

“It’d be just creepy.”

“I swear to you on anything you want, I’ve never heard or saw him express anything of the kind. Can we *please* end this torture now?”

“I guess I’m just a bit nervous? It’s easier with clumsy soldiers. You always know what’s you gonna get. And guys like Jack say all the things that sound so right that you just can’t trust ‘em. The other night he was showing me the night sky and he said “The constellation called “Rose” has five brightest stars - these three up here in the sky, and these two right there,” and he gestured at my eyes. And I fucking blushed, can you believe it?”

“Huh, it’s actually a good line. Maybe a bit corny, but smooth.”

“Did he steal it from some book or something?”

“I’ve never read anything like this.”

“I hoped he stole it. What I’m supposed to do when he comes at me with moves like this? Can you think of something fancy from some book that I can say back?”

“You know what, I’m going to go and sit next to Boone and Lily and you’re welcome to discuss anything you want in front of them.”

“Wow, lowest blow I’ve seen in awhile, Arcade.”