#what im talking abt is games that start with text in dark screens

[gilbertgoosey]

shoutout to the games that begin like this:

[theday]

mx in sg: the experience

FHJGDGHSHGFGGHD as usual starting off with the keyboard smash anyway! ill be talking about my experience seeing mx live yesterday (3/3) second part is abt when mx were on stage but its quite dry bc i dont remember much

ill be going in chronological order so [jooheon voice] lets get it

i was gonna meet my friend (karissa) at 3:30 because we were going to meet the person selling us our tickets at 4pm but that got delayed until like 5pm which was fine though

anyway i met her and we started queueing because although official queuing was supposed to start at 6pm they pushed it forward to 3pm (which was unfortunate for those who were busy and couldnt come until much later - the organizer never released an official statement saying the queuing started earlier) 

so as soon as karissa and i arrived at like. the place (near the venue) we got lost for about a whole 5 minutes lmao so i texted james asking him where the hell . they were and we made it and joined the queue immediately (we were the last few people of the second batch) 

we just sat there and. collected freebies and our banners (for the fan events) while we waited for the seller to come give us our tickets 

when they came i was like . fucking screaming because one of the seller was someone i knew from primary school (4 years ago) and i was likeudghdgghdhsh??????? that was the highlight of the daydhfhs

after we bought the tickets and shit we were slightly concerned they wouldnt work lmao but they did god bless

while we waited for the doors to open and stuff a group of people did dance covers of mx songs and later other groups too everyone was cheering for them which was nice fgfghdgh

the hype died down and we just waited quietly until it hit 6pm and i started listening to the day6 stream LMAO but after 4 songs i had to stop because suddenly everyone was standing up?? 

for nothing though because we sat down like 30 minutes later at around 7? 7:30? everyone stood up again and this time people were given wrist tag things u kno.. ya there were three (?) kinds i think gold for those who held a superfan ticket, pink for general admission and some other colour for those who got tickets for free and could sit on chairs dhdghs 

it was a free standing event in an outdoor space so superfan ticket holders got to stand closer to the stage? and those with general admission had to stand behind us and it was separated by a barricade 

we entered at like 8pm because we were the second batch (there was a third batch behind us) and it was already filled?? not exactly but from where we were standing we couldn’t really see the stage 

in the end we were in the middle which wasnt exactly the best but its definitely better than those standing all the way at the back rip 

i think at like 7:45 they started playing the music videos and everyone was shouting the lyrics it was cute i loved it but my throat told me to die after i yelled for like all of their mvsjhdgdghd 

also when all in played u bet my ass i jumped up and downdhg

also water wasnt allowed inside which i think is normal so i chugged mine down as fast as i could before entering (i had a little left and the lady let me in with it thanks queen) (i drank it all before they even came on stage)

the hype was real though and it was great 

when it hit 8:30pm the introduction video started and suddenly i was getting pushed forward and wow . dont go if ur not a fan of people invading your personal bubble. i wish fans had more sense to Not push around and stuff but what can we do rip 

other than that when they came out oh gOD when they came out i was likebfhgddgs??!?!??!?! i had to stand on my tip toes to see them

they started with beautiful and i was liek. dissociating i jsut sang along and shit it was amazing?????? 

the first person i saw was kihyun and then minhyuk?? i dont remember who else i saw but iw ss losing my fucking mind over how good everyone looked

anyway after that was um.............. fuck. .... i dont know..........

IFMFHGHSGF IM CRYING MY BRAIN TOLD ME TO DIE

white love maybe? i think they did like an introduction of themselves ??

anyway ill figure the songs out later they started playing games i think or was that another time im bad at this clearly 

ask james for the details of the songs i dont remember shit from that i just remember singing along to the songs badly and moving my arm back and forthhfgsgh 

also team work makes the dream work because karissa was recording and i helped her to zoom in and ensure they looked human with the brightness and stuff fhjdgsgh 

but !! everyone did the fanchants really well it was so heartworming 

also during white love they made us do that one part u know the one and it was awesome!!!!! during white sugar they threw m&m’s and i got to get a good look at their faces without having to look at the screen!! 

honestly was good too god im so happie 

hm. they did a mon-story time and showed us pics from previous eras (trespass > i dnt remmeber fuck > beautiful world tour > mxray > first win) ?? might be wrong dghdgs and they talked about stuff that happened i blanked out though so i dont know what they said 

also when they flashed the first win part they started throwing hands @ each other usual mx shit dhjgsgd

we chanted monsta x and they chanted monbebe back at us :-( i love them

i think changkyun said he doesnt wnat to do another season of mxray LMAODHFGHHGS fucking loser 

the translator made me laugh he was super monotone fhgdghfsh

then they played mon-ccaso dghghfsh and drew what they wanted to eat with singaporean mbb!!

there was a bug in front of wonho and he got !!!! fhdgh cute .

shownu: ????? what was it ?? a drink it looked like a cocktail and kihyun was like “non alcoholic” dghffsgs

wonho: ice cream!!! hes so cute his drawing was so cute also he wrote monbebe before they announced the game his handwriting is so pretty tf

minhyuk: ramyeon lmao (in his words: traditional korean noodles) 

kihyun: uh oH HE DREW A CRABFGHGSHS and said chili and pepper crab!!!

hyungwon: he drew a shrimpfhggdgs fucking . it was so cute

jooheon: mandu!! or dumplings :D

changkyun: water. JHDHGDGSG KING HONESTLY IW AS LIKE JUMPING UP AND DOWN IN EXCITEMENT!! love me a water stan 

anyway they talked about what they drew and when it came to minhyuk’s turn he was like guess and everyone just shit on him DHJDHSHG 

some examples: “hair” Gghdhg and some fans (including me) screamed cucumberhjfghgs let this man live 

minhyuk also tried to make fun of jooheons drawing but it failed bc none of us understood his joke

so they made us vote by screaming and they each stood up while holding their sketchbooks and we’d scream

winner was changkyun (i yelled my heart out and jumped bitch)

FHGSGG W INNER HAD TO DO AEGYO THOUGHDG played urself

they did oppaya and i think there are fancams somewhere

then they made wonho do it hhdggs best 1 minute of my life

after that was uhh??????? brain machine broke i dont know im not even going in order anymore

they either did from zero first or the fan videos were shown first

if so the fan videos were of fans talking about how much they love/appreciate mx and it was sweet after that we raised our banners for the fan vid

and then the CAKE came for wonho and we sang happy birthday to wonho (kihyun asked us to sing once too at the start hjdghgsg we did that in english this time it was in korean) 

also funny hfgdhgs thing... they talked in korean and a lot of people replied in korean so they got shockedhfgh FUCJ DAY6 ok safe im listening now

i think they (minhyuk?) asked who thought/if he was handsome and got rly happie when we said yea

after him someone asked too LOLJHDGSG

back 2 whatever fdsh um oh yeah the cake was done to look like ramyeon in a pot :D ill add a link

wonho cut himself with the knife D-: babie 

he kept wanting to eat it though so hopefully he liked it 

maybe after that they did from zero???? ufhffghsgghdg idk

after that was hero!!!!!!! god we were all so pumped 

shine forever next 

and then they stopped to take a break i thinkfhgshgd 

at some point they asked fans (a jooheon stan and a wonho one) what songs they liked :-D the jooheon one said beautiful and the other said ill be there if im not wrong

they also made the rappers sing bits from some songs hfgsg i dont remember which songs tho hdhs

changkyun tried his besthjdg

they did their ending ment and went to dramarama!! 

after that it was silent for like 5 minutes max as we chanted mx and for encore

they came out and did ill be there (?) (first verse to chorus) and talked again before doing 5:14! 

they were dressed in casual tshirts which was a relief hjghgdh because it was reallly fuckng hot hdh changkyun mentioned the weather too sorry dude thats life

they waved at fans and played amongst themselves kihyun dumped water on jooheon LMAO i got a clear view of that

stay hydrated !

they just kept dumping water on each other i love a family :-D

and then they said bye and left

jooheon kept going byEE though dhgdhs hes so cute :-( 

ok heres what i thought abt the monstas themselves

kihyun looked especially good with that tie by the way 

jesus i got to see wonho with dark hair i truly. died

ALSO SHOWNU LOOKS SO HANDSOME IRL!!!! MY WIG WAS SNATCHED!!!!!!!!!!!

hyungwon was rly cute too when he interacted with the fans :-(

there was one time wonho smiled and it was caught on the screen i . felt my heart burst in that moment

alsowwhen minhyuk took center position for their choreos he has this ?? charisma ??? its amazong like the one smirk/grin he does u know that? yeah i saw it in beautoful and died

joohoen and changkyun also did their best hyping mbbs up by yelling to sing along and stuff ihdjgf i love them

this is just mx loving hours 

also kihyun did the DHDHHSH EYE SMILE!!! HE DID IT SO MANY TIMES HE WAS SO HAPPIE I LOVE HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!

i didnt get to see jooheon much but he was so playful with minhyuk it was so cute!!!!!!! 

they all look so good and sound even better live!!! kihyuns adlibs god help me. 

i love them so much. i really do fhhdghghs im happy i went no more regrets and no more telling myself i didnt have a blast because i!!!! i loved every second of it even when i got someones hair stuck to my arm LMAO 

after it ended we immediately left for the exit andggdghs WOW standing up i was fine but moving?? moving was HELL my legs hurt so bad

ok so we got home and thats that but like.... heres where my self reflection comes in

so you dont have to read this part

i think. the reason i dont remember much is because.. i dont want to? like. at some point i got a clear view of wonho in the Flesh and i was thinkng about how i was really seeing them? for real????? and i got. really sad i think?? 

so to prevent myself from getting sad i probably tried to forget? everything?? theres also my bad memory of course but i cant even remember their faces i feel like its because im trying to forget or some deep shit 

anyway i think im also makig myself not be happy??? this is phrased v bad but its like im trying to kill the fun and only think abt the negatives of the whole event

which wasnt even much so its like. my minds blankfhjfhd

talking about it here helps though like i get to. share and actually talk about what happened so yeah i can say that i had fun even though i couldnt see them i had a blast singing along it was awesome

the only bad part was how i didnt like watching from the screens because it felt like i wasnt seeing them live?? ooMGHDDS DAY6 ARE DOING BETTTER BTTER

tldr; im not that upset over it now thank god and i can proudly say i had fun and although i cant remember much it was a great experience

thank you for coming to my tedtalk if you did <3

[4ourleafclover]

Processing

{🍀} Clover was pacing back and forth in her room, unable to sit still. She’d been pacing for a good hour now, but nothing of importance was coming to her mind.

“Dammit… what should I do?”

She needed someone to talk to about Phi, and about herself- but who was there to trust? Oh, she had acquaintances, but she wasn’t really how many people she could consider that close- and there wasn’t anyone she could think of that she knew she’d be able to trust with these secrets.

Well, there was one, but Junpei wasn’t an option… or wait, was he?

Clover picked up her phone and stared at the screen for a while, before finally forcing herself to select him as a contact and start messaging.

TO: Junpei

[SENT: 11:23]: hey junpei we need to talk where r u [SENT: 11:54]: junpei pls rspond this is important [SENT: 12:36]: its abt phi just pls rspond already

She was checking her phone, and she could see the little ‘read’ checkmarks beside every message. They both knew he was ignoring her- but that last one seemed to finally get his attention.

[…]

The little dots stayed on screen for at least a minute, as she presumed Junpei was trying to figure out what to say.

[INCOMING: 12:41] …meet me at the corner pub in sector 006 in a half hour.

[SENT: 12:42]: junpei im in 4 itll prolly take me n hour just to get ther

[INCOMING: 12:43] whatever, just show up when you get there.

The dismissive tone didn’t bother her in the least- she was honestly just glad he’d responded at all. She quickly threw all her important stuff into her bag and ran out the door, moving as quickly as possible so she could catch the soonest train. Overall it took about an hour and twenty minutes before she finally arrived at the right place, but when she did, she saw him- Junpei was actually there.

“…do you mind if we don’t sit at the bar, Junpei? This is… kinda personal.”

He only shrugged and picked up his drinks, moving to an open booth. Once they’d taken a seat, he pushed one of the glasses he’d grabbed over to her- before Clover could even say anything, he spoke up.

“It’s non-alcoholic, don’t worry. I just figured you’d like this fruity shit.”

“O-oh… right, thanks.”

It was still hard to understand that the Junpei here in front of here wasn’t the same Junpei she remembered, but she had to face that fact. Besides, even if his memories were different, he was still Junpei- he was still the person that she trusted, the one who’d saved her life.

“So? I’m guessing you didn’t just text me out of the blue because you wanted to drink, so what is it?”

“W-well, it’s just… I wanted someone to talk to, and you’re the only person I think I can trust with this.”

“You couldn’t just talk to Phi? You did say this was about her.”

“No!” It was clear that he hadn’t expected the force behind her words, because his eyes widened a little bit in shock. Not much, but just enough that Clover saw it. “I-I mean… it’s just that…”

Clover put her head in her hands, and leant forwards over the table. This was all a big mess, wasn’t it?

“I… I’m really scared. I’m scared because I love her, and I know that I love her… but she doesn’t love me back. And I know that she’s trying to make me feel better, even if it hurts her in the end, and just… I don’t know if what I’m doing is right. I have no idea anymore.”

“Wow… sounds like you’re in a real mess.”

“Junpei-“

“I’m kidding, sheesh.” He sighed and looked to the side, but Clover saw the sadness in them. It was clear as day. “So, basically… you want to know if you should push her away for her own sake, and hurt yourself in the process; or if you should let yourself get close, but risk damaging your relationship beyond repair when she realizes she can’t go through with this anymore.”

“That’s the simplest way of putting it, yeah…”

“…fuck, man, I don’t know.” There was something about the way he said it- it wasn’t patronizing or cruel, it was just an earnest expression of how he felt. “I mean, I can’t just tell you to go break your own heart, but I’m not gonna let you mess around with Phi either.”

She sighed. Some help he was being… no, that was unfair of her. She’d spent the entire night trying to figure out what to do, so how could Junpei just hear the problem once, then know? She was probably asking far too much…

“Can’t you at least give me some idea of what to do? I can’t.. I don’t know if I can trust my own judgement anymore.”

“And you think I’ve got better judgement? It’s hardly two o’clock and I’ve already finished my first beer.”

“That’s…”

“Look, Clover. You’re not an idiot. You were the first one to figure out that Hongou was a killer, and you were the first one to open the safe. If it wasn’t for you, I never would’ve realized for myself- in my timeline, or in yours. Just have a bit of faith in yourself.”

“J-Junpei…”

He was scratching the back of his head awkwardly, and his expression made it look like he wanted to be anywhere but here at the moment. For Clover, though, it was important. She knew about Junpei’s timeline, to a small degree- but all she’d really known was that she’d been killed by Hongou, and that there had been a good deal of death afterwards as well.

Had it really been her to thank for getting everyone out, though? No, Junpei was probably just reaching, trying to console her- before she could even say anything, he’d spoken up to cut her off.

“You had a note in your hand. ‘Truth had gone, truth had gone, and truth had gone. Ah, now truth is asleep in the darkness of the sinister hand.’. You were the first one to put it together- the sinister hand was the left hand, ‘truth’ meant for something to be ‘right’, and ‘gone’ meant that someone had ‘left’. When you input ‘right-left-right-left-right-left’ into the bracelet, it showed a sequence of numbers- those were what opened the safe, and those were what got Light out of the coffin. If you hadn’t opened the safe first, if you hadn’t held onto that note, then I never would’ve been able to figure it out. I… I let you die, but still… if it wasn’t for you, I would’ve died too. So thanks.”

There was the faintest hint of an embarrassed blush on Junpei’s face, but Clover couldn’t see it- she’d started to tear up while Junpei was talking, sniffling and wiping her eyes in an effort to keep from crying too hard.

“Sh-shit, uh… are you ok? Fuck, I didn’t mean to make you cry-“

“Thanks, Junpei.”

“Huh?”

When Clover raised her head, there was a bright smile on her face- tears continued to fall, but she started to chuckle a bit in spite of herself.

“You’re really not that different at all, you know that? The other Junpei… he helped me too. You’re a good person, Junpei.”

“W-well, um… that’s just a matter of perspective.”

Seeing him fumble so desperately to say that he wasn’t was both cute and sad- but Clover wasn’t going to dwell.

“Well, my perspective is that you’re really trying- someone who tries that hard can’t possibly be a bad person, right?”

It was Clover who was speaking, but her words made her realize something. Phi… she’d been really trying for her. Even if it wasn’t necessarily healthy, she’d still been trying- she’d wanted to help Clover, and that had to count for something. She still didn’t think she could outright accept her offer; but to ignore what she’d been trying to do felt like she was ignoring the effort Phi had been making. She had difficulty trusting, she’d had the worst possible outcome for her last relationship- but she’d still been willing to reach out for Clover.

That meant something, right?

“Junpei… I think I have an idea. I’m not sure if it’s a good one, but it’s still an idea.”

“Oh yeah? What is it, then?”

“What, you think I’m gonna spill everything, just because I asked you for help?”

He gave her a blank stare for a moment, and then started chucking a bit himself.

“I guess not, huh? You girls, always with your secrets.”

“A mystery is what makes a woman a woman, after all!”

“Not sure if woman is the word I’d use for you… aren’t you still, like, 17 or something?”

“Hey, I’m 19, thank you very much.”

“Wh-what? Are you serious?”

“Yep.”

“Jeez…”

The mood between them had been thoroughly lightened, and Clover’s tears had finally stopped again. It was so weird, she hadn’t joked around with Junpei since the nonary game- and even if he wasn’t the same Junpei, he really did act the same. Memories would change a lot, but they couldn’t change everything.

The two of them stayed there until Clover finished up her drink, not really talking much and instead just enjoying each other’s company. Junpei was visibly uncomfortable whenever she got too close, so she made sure to give him his personal space bubble- she was just glad he was talking to her. It was one thing to be alone, to not know anyone from before- but in many ways, it was a lot worse to show up and find out that one of your friends couldn’t stand being around you.

She finished up and pulled out her phone for a second to check something, then smiled and turned the screen to Junpei, showing the page for a particular establishment she was fond of.

“We should meet up and do karaoke, sometime. We can bring Phi too- it’d be a blast!”

“Oh, uh… I can’t sing.”

“Junpei, if you think that karaoke is a matter of your ability to sing, then you are grossly mistaken. It’s a matter of getting drunk with your friends and singing to cheesy pop songs!”

“Are any of your friends even legal?”

“You’d think that a detective would understand the workings of a fake ID.”

“Touché.”

“So, whaddya say?”

“I.. uh… I’ll think about it.”

In the end, that was all Clover could really ask for, so she was happy with that answer. She said a quick goodbye and started to head for home- it would be a pretty long train ride, considering the irritating way the trains were run, but she’d deal. It would give her more time to think of just how she wanted to word things, after all.

This time, she’d plan better, she’d prepare (hell, she’d write it down on cards if she really needed to)- and then this time, things would go a bit better. She was certain that there could be a happy ending for both her and Phi, it might just take a bit of work to get it figured out.

Well, if she’d figured out that safe, then who’s to say she couldn’t figure this out? Interpersonal relationships were nothing compared to two death games, and she’d done pretty good at helping with puzzles- she could do this!

Clover spent the entirety of the train ride back home just contentedly planning, trying to think of what to say. She could do this.

For the both of them, she could do this.

[bbyboyycal]

i wrote a thing based on the song ‘heather’

It began and ended with Sully.

 It was always going to be him. 

And I realised this when I was lying upside down off the edge of his bed, the room basked in the golden hue of his desk light, the Xbox throwing out a continuous stream of various noises as he played on it, unaware of the ache in my heart. It filled the room with a purple melancholy that only I could see and that thought hurt more than anything, I think. 

“Wilf mate, its no use you coming round to play Xbox if you don’t actually play it - I need backup.” 

I sighed and picked up the controller, it looked smaller in his hands than mine, but he was a couple of inches taller than me so it would make sense. His eyes were focused on the screen and I couldn’t help but stare at them, the green flickering between sections of the digital map, his brain visibly working hard, I wondered if he knew I was looking at him - I doubt it, he didn’t notice anything. 

Maybe that was what made it so easy to love him and to cope with him never loving me back, he just didn’t notice, he was so innocent to it all. 

His knee brushed mine and he leant against me as he tried to veer his soldier to the right, I laughed gently at him, but the slight touch send shivers running up my back, his hands so close to mine that I could reach out and grab one, interlace our fingers and never let go - twined in an endless grip. 

“You alright?” He questioned, pulling me out of my daydream. 

I nodded, “Just a bit cold that’s all.” 

Liar. 

I was anything but cold, flustered with a rapid pulse was probably the best way to describe it. 

“Oh I was meant to give you this ages ago, I never wear it n’ thought you might like it.” He explains as he passes me a navy blue jumper with red stitching on - it looked like a vintage-style college sweater, it was nice. 

I thanked him, taking it and trying not to focus on the quick brush of our hands as he passed it to me. Pulling it over my head I inhaled deeply (and not too obviously), taking in his familiar smell, the comfort of him washing over me. 

“It looks better on you than it does me mate, keep it.” He said, patting my shoulder and turning back to the screen. 

My heart swelled, sitting swollen in the middle of my chest, my ears burning with a bright blush and my fingers tingled as I attempted to focus on the game at hand, rather than him.

Sleeping on the floor that night, surrounded by the scent of mint and Tom Ford, I snuggled deeper into the sweater, taking long breaths, swamped in thoughts of unrequited love and Sully. 

--

School dragged itself into Monday, the halls filled with muffled laughter and distant chattering as I could only focus on one person. But it all changed that day. 

“Well, she texted me that and then I had to reply-” I tuned out Sully’s response to some dumb question one of the other boys asked, I should of been listening to because whatever he said awarded him with a round of clap on the backs and daps, I frowned feeling out of the loop. 

“Wait, bro, here she comes,” Arthur said, and I followed their eyes to where a caramel haired girl walked with her friends - she held her books to her chest, eyes bright and angelic, as she seemed to float over everyone else, unaware of the eyes on her while she spoke to her friends. The four of them deep in a conversation that wasn’t privy to the surrounding eyes. Her eyes, however, darted up to meet Sullys, dark chocolate meeting sea glass. She smiled coyly, almost shyly, her blush a peachy pink colour enveloping the freckles on her nose. 

Sully elbowed me, “Back off Wilf, Heather’s mine.” He winked and took off in a jog down the hall to her, stopping outside her locker where she now stood, wide-eyed and staring up at him as he smiled down at her. 

All I could do was stand on numb legs and watch it unfold. 

--

At lunch he gave me his orange juice, I don’t know why he bought it when we all know he hates it, I thanked him but didn’t touch it, hoping with unfaithfulness that he would understand I was in a mood - he didn’t. 

The conversations surrounding me were hollow, and I couldn’t focus my attention on one long enough to understand any of them. The room felt a mossy green, jealousy clinging to my very being, when Heather cut through it with her short skirt and glossy hair. The sun shining behind her, lighting her up in a halo of pure gold, the earth bending around her, fitting around her. 

Sully’s face lit up and my heart dimmed as he pushed Dan out of the seat beside him, pulling her by the wrist to sit there, she giggled a melodic sound and I hated that it felt so naturally calming - her voice matching. She spoke about something Mr Nancy had said in her English Lit class and everyone listened, well, Sully listened, the rest of the boys nudged each other and spoke in low voices, rumblings across the table about how whipped Sullivan was over this girl, and defences of how she was peng so he had the right to be. 

“She’s kinda got an angel vibe though, don’t you think. Like you could tell me she was an angel and I’d be like, yeah, adds up.” 

I rolled my eyes and stood up from the table, leaving the orange juice and curious eyes behind. 

--

Sully: r u good

Me: yh fine why 

Sully: u just left @ lunch?? 

Me: I had to go talk to Miss Clain abt some dumb hw

Sully: aight, as long as ur good 

Me: yh i’m good :) 

Sully: sick one

Sully: do u like heather

Me: wdym 

Sully: r u pissed im moving her

Me: no 

Me: why would i be

Sully: dw

--

My heart jumped. 

Did he know? Had he finally realised? 

With pins and needles in my lips and a clenched feeling in my stomach I looked up when I heard footsteps on the pavement. 

“I was worried you liked her and was annoyed I was chatting to her.” He panted. 

I laughed, relief flooding my veins, only for a second though as I considered how much he appeared to like this girl. 

He wasn’t usually like this with them, he usually just talked to them over a weekend and then aired them in school, she seemed different - this seemed different. 

“No not at all, I told you I just had to talk about homework.” 

He nodded, “I really like her, you know? She properly is so cool, I’m whipped.” He laughed at himself and I became numb to everything he said on the way back to his house, his constant stream of talk about her sticking into my heart, one shard at a time.

--

Friday night called for a party at Danny’s - allegedly head told his parents it was just meant to be the boys, but as soon as they left on their weekend away the house became a bustling mass of people. 

She was here, wrapped up in his arms, hands around his neck, his own hands on her tiny waist, her pretty face close to his as they whispered to each other secrets that I would never know. That I couldn’t be trusted with. 

My gnawing heart took a hold of me as I downed my second cup of - something - and moved out onto the patio to play beer pong with Jude and Thea’s group of friends. 

The room span in a technicolour but all I could focus on was Sully and Heather. 

All I could see was fingers intertwined, the ring on his index clashing with the rings on her fingers, her dainty little hands, that fit so perfectly into his. 

I followed her fingers to her hand and then her wrist, everything about her small, everything about her longing to be folded up into the perfect space within Sully.

I frowned as her hand was covered by the long sleeve of the sweater she was wearing - that wasn’t hers. That belonged to the boy currently looking at me with his head resting on top of her head. 

He smiled dopily at me, but not in a drunk way, not in the way I longed for him to - if he was drunk then it would be fine, he wouldn’t know what he was doing, he would be smiling freely and dopily like that and being drunk would explain it. 

But he was driving tonight - he wasn’t drunk. 

He smiled like he was in love. 

The room span when I moved, but I continued towards them, willing my feet to move like a sober person’s would. 

“Wilf,” Heather greeted me, pulling me into a hug and I willed every part of myself to like her, to be happy for Sully that he had found someone this kind and lovely, that he had found a girl who mirrored his dopey love smile, that was calming in a stormy hallway - but a bigger part of me hated her because she wasn’t me. 

I wasn’t her. 

“Hey, nice sweater, it looks familiar?” I asked as though I hadn’t seen the crimson coloured fabric on Sully most days of the week - it was his favourite, he rarely let me wear it, and on the occasions, he did he was so protective of it. 

“Yeah you have mate, it’s mine, you know that, don’t be a dipshit.” He smirked at me and I punched his shoulder in a jokey manner, wanting to keep my hand there, wanting to just touch him in any way I could. 

“Oh shit yeah! I thought I was your ‘hand-me-down collector’ though?” Hoping my voice wasn’t tinged with the jealousy that shrouded my every cell at that moment. 

“But Heather just looks so pretty in it, don’t you think?” He asked, pulling her closer to him, making her little nose scrunch up as she curled into the specific place for her in his chest. 

They fit so well together. 

I shook my head while forcing a smile and excused myself to go to the garden, finding Nate (a boy I had gotten with before) and pulling him into the space between the shed and the back fence. 

His kiss didn’t fuel anything within me, I just needed a place to put my emotions for the night, someone else to cling to before I was consumed by this neverending ache within me. 

--

Hours later on the way home Sully wouldn’t shut up about her. Everything he said was about her and I started to wonder if this is what I sounded like talking about him to other people. 

He was in awe of the celestial being that was Heather McGraw and I couldn’t escape the bombarding emotions wrecking my body and soul. 

“Just stop!” I screamed, Sully’s head whipped round the smile on his face dropping and it shattered my heart to know I had had that effect on him. 

“What? Are you okay?” 

No response 

“Wilf, mate, what’s wrong?” 

We had stopped on the side of a road and I took it as an opportunity to escape his stare - swinging open the door I bolted from the car, feet slapping the pavement, a light summer drizzle beginning to set in. 

“Wilf! Stop!” 

I heard him running behind me but didn’t stop until I was halfway out of breath trying to figure out what I had to say to him. 

All I could think of was, “You gave her your sweater.” 

I said it bluntly and through my heavy breathing I heard the tinged pain that had been so evident for weeks now - a build up of negative energy and heartache and everything that made me jealous of her. 

Sully looked at me, hand reached out to touch my shoulder, to tell me to stop, to calm down, to slow my breathing - but I shrugged him off, knowing if he touched me he would hug me. Hoping it would make him stop. 

But he didn’t, he strode forward a step and wrapped his arms around me. I hit his chest, crying, pleading with him to just let me go. 

 “Not until you let me what’s wrong.” 

My voice broken apart by my crying, “You gave her your sweater, Sully. Your sweater.” 

“I-My sweater?” 

I nodded against his shoulder, waiting for his response. 

“My sweater?” He asked again, it not connecting in his head, “It’s just a sweater, just simple polyester?” 

I yanked myself out of his arms, hating that he wasn’t getting it, hating myself more. 

“You like her though, right?” I shouted, rage covering up the pain, if I could channel anger, I wouldn’t have to think about the hurt. 

If I could hate him, I could stop loving him. 

“Of course I like her? Why are you being like this? What’s going on?” 

“You like her more than me.” I said matter-of-factly, “You like her better.” 

He shook his head, confusion written deep within his green eyes and sharp features. 

“Wilf-” 

He still wasn’t getting it. He still didn’t understand who I was. He still didn’t get how much I loved him. 

Cutting him off I grabbed his face in my hands, pulling him into a kiss. 

Trying to tell him everything. 

He didn’t kiss me back. 

I pulled away, face red with embarrassment. 

Hanging my head, I whispered, “I’m sorry I’m not her. I wish I was her.” 

Then leaving him there, in the dark, the rain turning to showers, streetlights basking the world in a tungsten glow, I sprinted - willing my legs to carry me away, willing them to make me forget how much I wish I were Heather.”