#what if supernatural was about women. showstopping.

[kerryweaverlesbian]

Have you ever thought "What if the CW's Supernatural was about Meg Ruby and Ava?" Well. you have now. Since we're all on the same page, read the first two chapters of my Meg Ava Ruby fic, By Any Other Name. To be clear this is like a behind the scenes canon divergence not like, them taking on the roles of team free will. Here is a snippet:

"Your girl Ava, she believe in something?"  Intel never hurts. Besides, she is genuinely curious. What's got Azazel's number one gal barking up another skirt? 

"My girl," Meg's pride is obvious. One of those sins Ruby never really saw the big problem with. Along with gluttony, lust, sloth, envy, disrespect...it just doesn't strike her as all that fair. Then again, she is a demon. When's anything fair? "Ava believes, alright." 

"...anything you tell her?" 

Maybe Meg's just looking to brag about a skilled manipulation. Ruby kinda wants to brag about winding Sam up, but she can't talk too far into the plan. Better for Meg to believe she's a loser, even if it rankles. 

"No," Meg says, drawn out, teasing, then she skips a few steps ahead and spins around on her toes. There's an energy in her Ruby hasn't seen before, not in all their years side by side on the racks. Not that there's much cause for conversation down there. If you're caught slacking you might just end up back under the knife yourself, to be shown how it's done. That's why it's hard to trust a demon. The only thing that unites them is that they're all so fucking scared. 

"Spit it out, then."  "She believes in me."

Ruby laughs again, hysterical, unstoppable, cruel. She clocks the hurt on Meg's face before she shields it again, and that's even funnier. Meg thinks they're the same, and she's right, where it counts. That's how Ruby can gasp out, with perfect, unholy honesty: 

"You? You're nothing!"

Read more on ao3!

[amplesalty]

Day 5 - Saving Christmas (2017)

On the fifth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me.

FIVE SIDED RING!!!! No, wait...four. GOD DAMNIT!

No, sadly not a remake of the modern day Kirk Cameron classic. Why does Christmas need saving all the damn time? It needs to become empowered so it can save itself once in a while.

Anyway, with this and the Halloween movies, I tend to keep a wordpad document where I will note down any interesting sounding movies I come across so I might watch them in future years. Apparently I must have added this last year but I have no earthly idea where I picked it up from, probably that message board. It's always a bit weird going back through that list a year or two down the line with no context so I have no idea what these things are or how I found them in the first place. Like, spoiler for some future year, I have 3615 code Père Noël on the list but just looking on that makes me think I've copied some weird HTML code somehow.

The only note I've made on that entire list, outside of just film names, is on this noting 'Mike and Maria Bennett'. So clearly again I'm having to make my own way in the world of Christmas/wrestling mashups since WWE still isn't bothering. Still, Becky Lynch was just in that new Marine sequel so that might be neat. And Luke Harper was in one of their movies at the start of the year. I still can't believe Ted DiBiase Jr of all people was in The Marine 2. That guy always seemed so utterly devoid of charisma.

The Bennetts are just the tip of the iceberg though, as this credits roll shows. Tommy Dreamer, Matt Striker AND Gangrel?! Hell yes. Though, who casts Gangrel in a kids movie, honestly? I'm sure he has a...questionable filmography, shall we say. He directed porn, right? I'm assuming directed, I can't imagine someone casting him as a performer...

As an aside, can we all take a moment to appreciate the wonderful wonderful power ballad that is Mike and Maria Kanellis' WWE theme?

Also, as part of the credits, we learn that we're in Norepole, Maine. This both makes me confused for half the movie when I'm unsure if people are saying North Pole or Norepole,  and also worried about what supernatural events are going to go down. It's a possessed wrestling title and it's murdering everyone!

Let's try and get through the dull part of the movie which is pretty much the entire first hour. We have a bunch of kids that seem to be directly ripping off Ghosbusters, trying to track down a trap a ghost, whilst also dabbling in a little testing of psychic abilities. Though, I think this kid has a genuine interest in the subject. Venkman was probably just doing it for grant money, chicks or both.

Only, Douchebag McGee turns up with his hanger on to hassle our gang here. For as bad as this movie is, they at least foreshadow this one kids later betrayal by having him shut his camera off and not even take the footage to any of the teachers to rat on the bully. That or he's just following the code of the schoolyard.

Ooooh, he threw the kids science report in the bin. Real badass over here. Well, he does take it a bit too far by insulting the kids dead father. Again, just the tip of the iceberg though, we'll come back to this.

Meanwhile, we have a budget Rob Lowe over here who rocks up to a lady's salon for a hair cut. He has a cute little dog with him though so one suspects he's here for the women. It's certainly not for a haircut, $25 he pays and his hair looks literally the same for the rest of the movie.

He works for the big toy factory in town under 'Rick', played by Edward Asner. Man, that guy is old and he's still racking up credits left, right and centre. Surprise, he's actually Santa. But he feels too old and crotchety to be Santa. Where's the heart? Where's the love?!

As part of their supernatural fixation, the kids focus on a new task: to prove Santa is real. Well, it's partially for SCIENCE and partially because his little sister has become so jaded towards Christmas. After her Dad died, how could a terrible world such as this deserve something as lovely as Christmas? This must be the world's most miserable 8 year old.

Unfortunately, little Danny's belief that Santa is caught on film by soon to be former friend Jake, who gives it to the bully who plasters it all over...'Friendsbook'. I love when movies and TV shows have to come up with fake versions of social media. Friendsbook seems too sappy to ever get over. Defintely a step down from the less subtle 'Mybook' or 'Facespace'. Danny's friend pretty clearly says Facebook as well so I dunno if they had some rights issue or something that they had to sub in the visual stuff last minute? Billion dollar company and that's what your app looks like? State of it...

Back at the salon, Sammy's attempts to bang Danny's mom have now racked him up $50 in hair cut fees and he's still not had anything in the way of restyling. 24 hour bed head, that guy.

As part of the kids efforts to track down Santa, I can't believe this is a spoken like in this movie, Danny says he 'hacked the Norepole Mall database and got a list of mall Santa's from the past decade.' He also later claims that he has free reign over the toy company's security cameras but can only shutdown their security network for 9 minutes. Clearly having access to a laptop is all that it takes to be a 1337 haxor in Hollywood. One of those is now the promoter of the wrestling show in town, the XWA. If you guessed that the X stands for XTREME, ding ding ding! A winner is you!

The kids however are a little distracted by marking out over Matt Taven. Come on, he's not even good enough to get in the opening credits! Or a close up. The promoter basically tells them that he enjoyed putting smiles on everyone's faces as Santa so that's what lead him to the wrestling biz. I feel there's definitely a parallel to be drawn between Christmas and wrestling. They're both still real to me, damnit!

Sammy explains everything to Danny's mom, that being that he is actually working the real actual Santa Claus who needs a makeover. If only for the sake of plot convenience, she readily accepts this rather than running in the opposite direction. Apparently back in the day, his company and 'a very popular soda company' (he did the air quotes and everything) put Santa on the map but it's the 21st century now. As Sammy puts it, enough is enough and it's time for a change! Firstly, I knew it! You lied to me, Snopes dot com. Coca Cola did invent Santa! Secondly, it's alright Sammy, we know Santa is not a nugget. This is all well and good but I sense a problem with dressing Santa in jorts considering the time of year he has to work. Guy looks like a more urban Hugh Hefner.

If we give Santa a hip new makeover and have him turn up at the XWA Gingerbread Brawl, it could result in the most lkes, shares and retweets of all time! That's a pretty good name, it's no Seasons Beatings or Fabulous February Fight Fest but still, pretty good. And, as for the most retweets? I'm pretty sure you have to be begging for a lifetime supply of nugs to get that title.

We've now come to the best part of the movie, hands down. Danny and his sister are walking home from school. As an end of term assignment, she had to create something based around the one thing she could have for Christmas. So, she makes a memory box full of photos and mementos of her departed Father. That's odd, why did they take the time to have an establishing shot of a wood chipper? I sure this isn't ominous in the slightest.

The bully soon comes into frame. His latest plan is to steal all the evidence that Danny and co have been compiling on the whereabouts of Santa so that he can claim all the credit himself. He figures that box must have everything in it so promptly takes it. But rather than just run off with it, he takes the odd decision to kick it into the air....oh no.

Oh God! The whole thing unfolds in slow motion, a sorrowful song drowns out everything but the dull roar of wood chipper on cardboard action, as Danny's sister breaks down in tears and the bully is in tears of laughter. This is played like the death of Bambi's mother and Mufasa all rolled into one and my God is it beautiful. Danny on the other hand, he doesn't take kindly to this and promptly lays the Smacketh-down on the bully like he's Ralphie Parker on ol' Yellow Eyes.

Right, now that's out of the way, it's time for your main event! Maria Kanellis makes he showstopping, 15 second appearance to recite The Night Before Christmas to a packed locker room of all of 4 people.

Why is Tommy Dreamer on play-by-play?!

And why do your tickets say WXE despite the fact you're clearly the XWA?

I like how in a podunk town of 3,000 people, Matt Striker still has to play as the backstage interviewer. And rather than the Vampire Warrior that we are accustomed to, Gangrel now appears to be a viking called Tucker Von Magnus. Fantastic. You know how Matt Striker would always come up with those stupid names for people? Like Yoshi Tatsu was the Poison Fist of the Pacific Rim? Let's brain storm one for Vampire Viking over here, let's make this a thing.

By the way, isn't it weird that WWE had to license out the name Gangrel from Vampire: The Masquerade? A very odd collision of worlds there.

You know that whole 'Card subject to change' thing? Yeaaaaaaaaah, about that. Turns out Max Miracle (Mike Bennett) had a little motorbike accident and now can't wrestle anymore. But don't worry, he'll defend his title at January Jam! Pre-order your tickets now! Didn't you learn anything from Bret Hart?!

Holy shit, nuclear heat for this. Tommy tries to to calm the crowd down but they are having none of it. As far as I'm concerned, all of this crap in the ring represents these fans out here!

"Uh-oh, and a flying soda to the eye now rendering Tommy Dreamer partially blind." "Wow, this....this truly is a black day for the XWA."

Well, either that or, knowing Tommy Dreamer, he’s probably just crying over something.

Nevermind that, Max Miracle's replacement is non other than Santa freakin' Claus! The bully isn't buying it though and promptly jumps the rail, grabs a mic and cuts a promo on the guy. I say jumps the rail, more like takes a step to the side around the rail. How do we know this is the real Santa?

Well, for one thing, the real Santa can fly. Tommy Dreamer can't believe his one good eye.

Also, the real Santa can magically teleport Max Miracle from his home to the middle of the ring, bad foot and all. Crowd goes banana for this, including one dad who even draws a skeptical look from his daughter. She's like 'Jeez, Dad. Calm down, it's only Michael Bennett.' They act like he's a mega babyface but the guy signed his own cast earlier! What a narcissist.

All it takes is for Santa to lay his healing hands on that cast though and all is well and Max can take on the challenge of the Viking and his evil manager. This is the part I'm calling bullshit on. I didn't sit through nearly an hour and a half of this garbage to sit through a Mike Bennett vs Gangrel match, I wanted Santa vs Gangrel!

Max goes over with, of all things, a suplex and then scoop slamming the manager on top of Gangrel for the pin. Not even a Brainbuster, just a bog standard suplex. What is this, the 80's? Minus 5 stars! Still, probably the only televised victory he’s had within the past year.