#what if he's working for red john and red john (correctly) thinks jane has feelings for lisbon and puts her life at risk again

[lisbonsteresa]

what a wild 15 minutes that was holy shit

[damndaehyung]

Coffee Shop Revenge

John Tucker Must Die AU  Part 3 

Included : Daniel, Emily, Sungjae , M , Minah, Jane,Tara, Arabella Mentioned : Tyler , Maude, Heavily Alluded to : Mindy 

“You really don’t need to follow me everywhere,” Emily said with a laugh as Daniel pushed the door of the cafe open. “It’s not even that bad, “ she said with a shake off her head. “And don’t you have a class?” she asked raising an eyebrow. “Skipping class already?” she frowned. “Daniel you said you were going to try -” she continued.

“Emily, the professor is off sick, I am meant to be studying which i can do here so,” he grinned. “I am just keeping any eye on you, I just want to make sure you are okay and that they don’t overwork you,” he said. “I’d even fight Sungjae to keep you healthy so that should say a lot,” Daniel huffed.

Emily beamed up at him, “Even though it’s not necessary i appreciate it,” she said. “Go get your normal booth, i’ll send over your usual in a minute,” she waving for him to go. He looked over to the counter glaring at M and Sungjae who looked up only to see Daniel making I’m watching you motion. He meant what he said if he had take Sungjae down if something happened to Emily. Turning on his heels he strutted to his booth, now hopefully free of Ty Dollar Sign and his french girlfriend, well ex-girlfriend unless she really was as dumb as she looked.

He grinned at the sound of silence as he settled in his booth, ready to get working on a project. “Banana bread and a Mocha,” Sungjae said placing a plate and a mug on the free patch of the table.

Daniel looked up from his computer, plastering the most seductive smile on his face and licking his lips. “I believe i ordered your number as well -” he said sweetly.

“That comes with our loyalty card, on your fifth coffee with us you get my number, on the tenth you get date with M,” Sungjae joked but that Daniel decided that was close enough to flirting for him. After all, he got the feeling Sungjae was shy a guy, something Daniel would have no problem helping him overcome in the future.

“And what if i wanted a date with you instead?” Daniel asked.

“Ah i am not sure you want to settle for a date with me,” Sungjae said scratching the back of his neck, his cheeks turning a lovely shade of pink.

“You’d be wrong,” Daniel said. “So when should we go out?” he asked, getting straight to the point. He was never one to beat around the bush and Sungjae won’t be any different. Sungjae blinked owlishly at him before avoiding eye contact altogether, a sheepish smile on his face. Daniel couldn’t stop the wide grin that spread across his face, he was in.

He was about to get his response when a feminine figure pushed past Sungjae, the person didn’t look suspicious at all, i mean who would find someone wearing a wide brim hat, Chanel sunglasses and a trench coat suspicious. Daniel rolled his eyes, coughing to get Sungjae’s attention back. “Well -” he started again but was interrupted by a loud are you kidding me coming from the blonde who has just entered the club. Daniel looked over at with a harsh glare noticing that it was the club girl, Jane if he remembered correctly. He swirled back around to Ms Subtle and frowned, even with the glass and stupid hat he could tell it was the French girl. Why did these women hate him, he just wanted to seduce his cute barista boy in peace but no.

“Is this a setup?” Jane asked as she stomped over to the booth, her face red and a scowl on her face. Daniel frowned knowing his chance had slipped by, the drama of the two girls ahead of him was too much, especially since everyone in the cafe had turned to look at them.

“Save your dramatics Jane,” The French girl said dismissively as she pulled off her shades. “Do you honestly think i would plan this? Please spending time near you is the last thing on my to-do list -” she huffed. “Let me guess T messaged you as well?” she with a frown. “Do you think she is going to apologize for her brother?”

“No, I am definitely not doing that,” The sister said, making her appearance known, beside her was the other blonde, Daniel looked at the girls curiously. He expected the french girl, the blonde and Jane to look a little worse for wear considering they just found out their boyfriend was cheating on them but the sister seemed to be taking it worse, her hair was pulled up into a messy ponytail, her eyes rimmed red with deep circles under her eyes suggesting that she stayed up all night crying and she was one of those ugly jumpers with the college’s name on it.

“I should go serve them,” Sungjae whispered. “If i don’t make it back tell M that he can have my comic collection,” he continued. Daniel’s nose wrinkled up, oh my gosh he is a nerd, a very cute nerd but comic books. God help Sungjae if he ever tried to drag Daniel to one of those convention things.

“Tara,” Jane said softly, “Are you okay?” she asked softly. “Did something else happen you know between -”

“Jane shut up, god i know your blonde but really,” The french girl spat harshly. “Tara, as someone who has also felt the crushing disappointment of men let me tell you that your real friends will be here for you,” she said softly, “any time,” she said tapping the booth beside.

“Real friends please,” the other blonde said under her breath.

Tara was saved from sitting or speaking by Sungjae who Daniel noted sounding rather done despite barely dealing with these girls. He knew Sungjae had similar interests to him, but he assumed he was bi, maybe he was wrong and woman wouldn’t be a problem for him it all in the future. With that joyous thought in mind, Daniel turned back to his work, happy that this college thing was working out exactly the way he planned it.

He looked away only to watch the trainwreck that was M trying to place the girls’ orders down. As much as he could tolerate which was a surprising amount considering he wasn’t directly related to him and he wasn’t particularly attracted to him, it was still funny to watch him be intimidated by the girl, so much so he almost dropped Tara’s croissant. With a chuckle and a shake of his head, he took a sip of his Mocha re-reading what he had just written.

“THAT BASTARD DID WHAT?!” Daniel jumped drink almost spilling from his lips as Jane’s voiced echoed throw the cafe, her fist had down on the table so hard Daniel had heard plates clang back down, Daniel chanced it taking another speak at the table watching as Jane shrunk on herself as she noticed that everyone was looking at her. The french girl was wiping furiously a scowl on her face while Tara was looking down, shaking her head. “I’M GOING TO KILL HIM,” she continued, her voice lowered slightly.

Daniel really should have stopped listening and went back to focusing on his work but he loved drama, especially the type that involved potential murder and didn’t include his name. He figured the bastard was Tyler Lee, but if Jane wasn’t going to kill him after cheating on her with three other girls he had to wonder what Tyler did to fuck up this badly.

“Wait so Maude told you?” The French girl asked, “How did she know?” she asked.

“She is friends with Min-”

“No T don’t say her name, that bitches name doesn’t deserve to be said by you,” the other blonde said. “And yes Olivier couldn’t wait to brag about how Tyler trusted her with this, how she has a deeper connection with him - ten guesses to why she wasn’t invited -” she said bitterly.

“I am going to kill her as well and that little Cindy bitch-” Jane said once again causing Daniel to smirk. In another life, he was sure he and Jane could actually get along but her shocking taste in men had all but ruled that friendship out.

“Anyway,” The French girl said, Daniel could tell she was rolling her eyes right now, it was obvious in her voice. “Is that why you called us here Tara?” she asked.

“Not exactly,” Tara said.

“And this is where i leave,” the other blonde spoke. “I want to get revenge on that asshole and his friends but I don’t want to be apart of Tara ruining her relationship with him and i certainly don’t want to work with you two -” she said, Daniel smelled a scheme and bit in his banana bread happily. He was going to get a date with Sungjae and if these girls were any good plotting he’d never have to worry about seeing Tyler Lee and voyeurism kink ever again.

“It’s a bit late for that don’t you think since you know Tyler complete ruined her life -” The french girl spoke contempt dripping in her voice. “And do you honestly think i would want to work with you? I am sorry i don’t play with children -” she said.

“You -”

“Ara! Minah! Stop it!” Tara shouted not nearly as loudly as Jane had earlier but it was still enough to get a few looks from the cafe’s customers. “Stop talking about me like i am not here and stop being so childish, we are all victims of my brother’s schemes so can we just stop with the animosity for five seconds,” she said. Daniel couldn’t see her but he’d like to imagine her rubbing her temples wondering why she had to deal with such fools. “If Ara doesn’t want to be involved in my plans that is fine,” she said. “That is her choice and i respect that, i know that it’s been hard for her to-” she trailed off before the sound of laughter rang okay. “Okay yeah yeah me too,” Tara said.

Daniel watched as the other blonde, Ara walked past him, glancing at him briefly before raising an eyebrow and continuing. “Look i am all for revenge but are you sure you want to do this Tara?” Min-Frenchie asked. “He is your brother and -” she trailed off.

“He needs to be taken down,” Tara said. “He took things way to far, the thing with Mark, dating one of my friends and then cheating on her with several of my other friends who also think they are dating him and being so desperate to get his dick wet that he would….” she said with a gag. “With Maude Olivier, no Tyler needs a wake-up call,” she said.

“And what is your plan anyway and why do we need to be involved?” Jane asked. “Because for all the little pranks that have been happening haven’t worked,” she said just as their phones chimed. “ARE YOU KIDDING ME?” Jane and Minah both spat angrily. Daniel turned to see them both furiously staring at their screens, a sleuth of colourful threats and curses were being said about one Tyler Lee. Daniel wondered if his ears were burning right now, he hoped they were.

“What happened?” Tara asked curiously craning her neck to look at one of their phones and gasping. “Oh no,” she said. “He didn’t,” she said.

“I can’t believe that little chipmunk,” Minah ranted, Daniel’s nose scrunched up in disgust, chipmunk what vile inducing pet name. “He dumped me over a text message,” she said followed but what sounded like a muffled screen. “Forget your little revenge plan, I am calling Suho -” she said.

“Dumped you, wow shocking, but what about me?”

“Oh come off it Durand you were never a girlfriend just a bed- “

“Guys stop and Minah put your phone down,” Tara said with the authority of teacher scolding her kindergarten class. “ I think it's time to give Tyler some off his own medicine,” she said before launching into her plan. As Daniel found it out, much to his disappointment didn’t involve murder or any violence at all but it was simply to break Tyler’s heart. How silly from the sounds of it Tyler Lee didn’t even have a heart so why bother.

“So who would be the ultimate heartbreaker?” Jane asked. “I mean he can be pretty charming -” she trailed off. “He did manage to have four girlfriends at a time,” she spat bitterly.

“I hate to agree with Jane but she is right a regular girl won’t do, they’d be eating of his hand in a day,” Minah said.

“How about her -” she said, Daniel swirled around looking to where she was pointing only to find it landing on Emily. Daniel sucked in a breath to stop himself from snapping.

“Her?” Minah laughed. “No, Tara, she’d be on her knees for him in a minute,” she said. Daniel growled, his hands balling into a fist, his nails digging into flesh. Do not react. Do not react.

‘Well from what i heard she isn’t the biggest fan of my brother, plus she is friends with Eunmi Kim, you know the girl who hates Lucas and by association hates everything my brother stands for -” Tara explained. The glaring girl, of course, she would have to somehow ruin things for him.

“She is a little young,” Jane commented as Daniel nodded in agreement. She was too young. Way too young. “Does she even go here or is she a high schooler?”

“Well, Tyler likes them young apparently,” Minah laughed. “Maybe Tara is onto something, hey if this heartbreak plan fails we might be able to send him to prison,” she snorted. “Seriously Tara, that girl wouldn’t last five minutes with Tyler, and even if she did Tyler wouldn’t look at her twice, she is a little how do i say this… plain?”

“Plain?” Daniel snapped getting out of his booth and glaring at the girls. “Like you can talk, that hair colour you aren’t Blair Waldorf and it isn’t 2008 anymore,” he said if looks could kill him and the french one would have committed double murder. “Keep my cousin out of your mouth the only thing that belongs there is Tyler Lee’s dick and apparently he doesn’t even want it anymore,” he said with an eye roll. “Getting dumped by text - tragic,”

“Who the hell do you think you are talking to me like that and why were you listening to our private conversations,” she said eyes lit anger.

“You two are making a scene,” Tara said with a shake of her head. “And i don’t think your cousin would like it she gets fired because you were eavesdropping on a deeply personal conversation of one of this cafe’s best customers,” she said. Daniel apparently underestimated the sister. “Now sit, I’ve made some changes to the plan,” she smirked.

---

“Are you kidding?” “Him?” Jane and Minah said at the same time.

“You want me to do what?” Daniel said laughing in surprise. “Are you on drugs? I know a rehab clinic i can get you in,” he said as Minah muttered a wow shocking under her breath. “Is he - He won’t do it, I’ve seen your brother and he is strictly interested in cats if you know what i mean -” he said.

“Daniel what are you doing?” Emily said coming over the table, well hobbling over to the table. Tara grinned at her before turning to Daniel with a smirk.

“Your cousin here was actually offering a sympathetic ear,” Jane commented patting Daniel’s back. “There was a misunderstanding at the start but Minah and Danny boy here are such hotheads -” she said.

“Do you really expect me to believe that?” Emily said with an eye roll. “I’ve known Daniel my whole life i can count on one hand the number of times he has been sympathetic,” she said folding her arms. “Daniel what is going on?” she asked.

“I overheard Jane saying she was tired of dating assholes and you know me i can’t resist myself so i suggested M and was just giving her some needed information,” he said as Emily tilted her head before nodding picking up the used menus. Daniel let out a breath only to be whacked in the face by a menu.

“Ow Em, not the face,” He whined.

“You are lying to me,” she said continuing to hit him but notable moving away from the face, “Tell me what is going on or i will tell Sungjae that you used to -” she said before Daniel reached out covering her mouth.

“I am sacrificing myself for the greater good so next time you hit with a menu just remember i got dragged into this because of you,” he said as Emily brows furrowed, a confused look on her face.

“What are you talking about?”

“Emily, was it? You seem… interesting… trust your cousin when we say it’s better you don’t know,” MInah said. Emily’s eyes narrowed at her before turning to Daniel.

“We will be talking just know that,” she said glaring. “And Jane would be lucky to be interested in M, especially considering who she -” Emily said looking down at Jane.

“So is being a bitch genetic in your family or -” Jane asked with a laugh. “And i take back what i said, i think she might have stood a chance against Ty,” she said. “And who is M? Is the short one that has been glaring at Minah? Because ew but i applaud his cause,” she grinned.

“M is the tall one,” Daniel said. “And shut up!” he huffed. “Anyway Tara, your plan is stupid and won’t work and i am so sure of it, I’ll actually let you try and use me,” he said. “Your brother is as straight as a ruler,” he pointed out. “And i am not going to act like i am interested in him until i see some sort of sign he is,” he shrugged. “Now i have to go shower, who knows what i caught by sitting here,” he said pushing past Jane and leaving the cafe.

“Jane do you still have Jaehyun’s number?” Tara asked with a smirk. “I know my brother better than anyone and he would never back down from a dare or a challenge.”

[journeysintowebcomics]

Homestuck Liveblog #185

UPDATE 185: Get What You Want

Last time Dirk’s hijacking has been hijacked by the version of Calliope that’s deep in the black hole. She also took over Jade, because if there’s one thing this meat epilogue has a lot of is hijacking. Should be the Hijack Epilogue. So let’s continue.

Terezi has been standing there for a while, and she mentions smelling, so it’s likely this is the version that’s from Earth C, instead of any version that’s able to see. What have you been doing all this time, Terezi? Mind talking about that? Looks like she doesn’t, she’s busy commenting John smells like shit. He really must, what with all the vomit on himself and also the blood, the broken glasses, and finally the big-ass golden tooth stuck on his chest. It’s no surprise everyone John’s seeing tells him right away he should go clean himself.

I like how Calliope’s descriptive narration takes the time to point out all the flesh and dull teeth the characters move, since it’s all alien to her. The way she describes it amuses me a lot. Another reason to prefer this over Dirk’s narration, really. Less pretentious rambling, more amusing asides.

Somehow John spends a few paragraphs thinking Terezi is cute, even going as far as saying the term ‘gap moe’ would apply to her. I’m not really knowledgeable about such terms or really know much about what defines them, but never, in a million years, I’d have thought of calling Terezi ‘gap moe’. Who would have before this was written? I blame you for this, Hussie.

I don’t fucking believe this.

I know, right? Thanks, Dirk.

Dead Calliope is not judgmental and couldn’t care less about John’s cuteness thoughts about Terezi or about creepy human males gathering seven billion pillows with anime characters. Be relieved, John!

There’s a reference to Monty Python, and John says their movies suck, which is blasphemy as far as I’m concerned. It’s correctly said Alternia sucks, and Terezi gets sick, because apparently half of the characters in this epilogue has to be sick or fainting. I’m almost thinking somebody will take over Terezi in the next minute, but thankfully it doesn’t seem like that’s happening.

So, the reason why Terezi is about to faint is because she’s starving to death, she hasn’t eaten in who knows how long. I suppose she has been wandering in the middle of nowhere for a loooong time, and if she took any food with her it must already be gone. She doesn’t have a concrete destination in mind, I suppose. She must be flying around just for the sake of not being on Earth C. If it wasn’t for John here maybe she’d be doomed to die alone in the emptiness of paradox space.

Searching for food in the wallet only nets them a car. Hey, that’s good! I remember John used his wind powers to make a car float and fly, this could be a fast way of going around, although...given John’s delicate state, it may not be good for him to use his powers extensively, poor guy. Terezi isn’t very impressed a car was stored in a wallet.

JOHN: what are you doing out here anyway?

TEREZI: WH4T DO YOU TH1NK 1M DO1NG OUT H3R3?

TEREZI: LOOK1NG FOR VR1SK4 OF COURS3

Oh. So she didn’t leave Earth C because she was going to feel overwhelmed by everything like Rose and Dirk, she went all the way out here to look for Vriska. Good thing John isn’t aware of what happened to Vriska, because how to explain to the person who has almost starved to death that the person she’s looking for was sucked in a black hole? On the other hand, if she had arrived here earlier, she’d have been involved in the Lord English fight and that means she likely would have died. She got a bit lucky there.

I wonder if now that Terezi has heard finding Vriska is impossible she’ll want to return to Earth C. I also wonder if when she gets into that Earth she’ll suddenly feel the same thing Rose and Dirk felt, whether it’s because of her power or because Dirk or Dead Calliope force it on her.

Time doesn’t pass linearly here in the emptiness, so I’m not sure how old Terezi is. She may be just as old as John is, she sounds a bit delighted he’s older. The examination by smell ends when she discovers shaving cream and tries to eat it. Oh boy, she really must be starving! Somehow she seems to be satisfied by it, so maybe it’s not bad for trolls. Who knows.

but no. it’s just my brother’s tooth, lodged deep in his chest, spreading its poison. it really should be extracted before it’s too late.

Hey, now that I think about it, did Caliborn embed a vial of poison or whatever in that tooth? For no reason? Did he have any reason to think someday he’d be biting somebody and leaving the golden tooth behind? Did he install poison in there just because he wanted to? I mean, it wouldn’t really be out of character for him to randomly decide he wants a poisonous gold tooth, but it’s not like he’d have the chance to use it against many people!

Now that Terezi is gorging herself with shaving cream and seems to be a little better, John wants to return home, most likely by zapping, so he can get medical attention for the fatal injury he has right now. Terezi doesn’t want to, I guess because being with an agonizing John is a pleasant enough experience. Kind of inconsiderate, Terezi, let the poor guy get medical attention. John, being the sweet guy he is, accepts and decides to drive around with wind, waiting for Terezi to decide they can go home.

Iiii don’t remember John having such romantic feelings in Homestuck. He did have something that could resemble black romance, at least for a little while, but this is red. He must have really missed her.

Back in Earth C, Jane returns to the office after another political event.

the last traces of trickster mode are bleeding off her aura. the great gift of this sacred boon has run its course for the evening, and though she is not as grateful as she should be, she nevertheless acknowledges the extraordinary benefit it has afforded her with a slight nod to the mirror.

She has been using the lollipop Calliope gave her to get rid of any inhibitions and say whatever she wants in political conferences, without a care if she’s stepping on any toes or offending anyone. Wow. I was actually speechless for a moment. Using the trickster thing again seems like a stupid idea. I can only imagine what the sugary rambling was like. Hopefully it included 100% less paragraphs about having babies with literally all her friends.

however, while a great portion of the electorate adores jane’s elevated sense of charisma and presence when she is in trickster mode, as they should, there are just as many detractors who claim that the whole thing is “extremely problematic.” i doubt this is true but must also acknowledge it exceeds the scope of my expertise to comment on the subject.

JANE: Oh my goodness.

JANE: It’s NOT problematic!

Oh, it’s definitely a problem for your sanity, Jane. This whole political thing is starting to seem a chain of bad decisions, one after another.

Jane’s inner monologue almost looks like it was funneled into her by Dead Calliope, given how she’s praising the lollipop so much. Dead Calliope better not start imitating Dirk on this, thanks. A moment later, Jane tosses the lollipop on the floor, then turns around much to her surprise and places it on a more reverent place over the mantle. Dead Calliope really is forcing things when it’s convenient, too. Okay then.

JANE: You know, the last time we spoke about this issue I could have sworn you asked me to let you handle Jake.

DIRK: Hmm.

DIRK: I guess I did say that.

JANE: ...

JANE: Dirk, are you doing quite okay?

JANE: It’s very unlike you to forget details like that.

DIRK: I’m fine, Jane.

the prince is not fine. he is not the type who takes well to having his plans upended, or his control of a shared vehicle fully suppressed. my brother wasn’t much that type either.

DIRK: Oh, fuck off. I’m nothing like that guy.

It has been days, apparently. Days since Dirk and Rose met, days since he told Jane that. Dirk somehow forgot to go get Jake’s endorsement for days. He definitely is not okay. I thought you were good at multitasking, Dirk! Maybe Dead Calliope’s hijacking of his plans really hit him hard, but dang, I thought he wasn’t the kind of person that’d let miserable failures get to him. I mean, other than the miserable failure that led to him fading away into glitches in that doomed timeline, but that’s a different matter.

but certain objects and actions strike me as more notable than others. that very long, red rifle on the table, for instance. a weapon that does not belong to him and has not been used in a long time. he has been returning to the rifle between his other menial activities of probable misdirection. he dismantles it, reassembles it, slides off the receiver cover to examine the firing mechanism.

Sounds familiar. That was seen before, I think? I think it was made by combining one of Jade’s rifles with some of the Condesce’s technology, back from Act 6. It makes objects teleport, I believe. What could Dirk be planning with this, I wonder...

JANE: Actually, I have been thinking...

JANE: Perhaps this attempt to get Jake on our side is the wrong angle from which to approach this vexing problem.

JANE: Wouldn’t it be much easier to discredit or blackmail him?

JANE: He is much beloved in the Troll Kingdom for his carefully cultivated posterior, true.

JANE: But we both know that his bottom is not the only intimate attribute for which he is famed amongst Trollish citizens.

JANE: It would take almost nothing to expose his many dalliances through the human media.

DIRK: Hoo boy.

JANE: I know! Not to be judgmental, but his zipper is as loose as his pants are tight.

DIRK: That’s not what I meant by hoo boy.

JANE: You don’t think it would work?

DIRK: Oh, it could work.

That’d be such a way to break Jake’s heart and alienate him forever. If this is ever done, you can bet Jake won’t show his face to anyone ever again, whether it’s out of shame or feelings of betrayal. I suppose if he for some reason decides to support Karkaroni this is what Jane will do, but seriously, I hope things don’t come to that.

What makes Jake so marketable – supposedly – is that he’s viewed as innocent while also sexual, at least in the human circles. Discrediting that would break his influence on the human public. Somehow that makes sense, really, but it also has the danger of making it sound like interspecies sex is scandalous, which is...not really something that won’t inflame tensions between species. Wasn’t the point of this whole election that Karkaroni getting elected would make things tense? It’s starting to sound like Jane’s campaign would make things just as bad.

JANE: Dirk... do you want me to deal with Jake or not? You’ve offered nothing helpful yet, but you’ve shot down all my ideas.

DIRK: That’s because lately, all your ideas have been fucking terrible, Jane.

DIRK: Seriously. You’ve got to quit the tricksterpop. It’s rotting your brain.

He’s not wrong! He really isn’t. Jane, listen to him, he tends to be right most of the time – unfortunately for a lot of people he is. Dead Calliope takes offense to the insult to the cherub artifact, but seriously, Dirk is right.

After a baking metaphor and Dead Calliope making sure nothing will happen to the lollipop, the conversation ends, and Dirk focuses on the rifle. He’s satisfied with it. What’s he up to?

DIRK: Your ass is mine, Jake English.

he speaks under his breath inaudibly, perhaps frustrated, unaccustomed to scheming while others look over his shoulder. it’s possible he is not as bold, or as confident in his own designs as i believed.

DIRK: I fucking said, your ass is mine, Jake English.

Oh no! So that’s Dirk’s genius political machination! He’ll use the teleportation rifle to surgically remove Jake’s ass from a distance by transporting it to his workshop, getting rid of any influence Jake has on anyone! Okay, most likely that’s not his plan, but at this point I wouldn’t be surprised if it is. Let’s hope he doesn’t mean that literally.

JAKE: Ah chaps dont you love to take a rigorous jaunt about the wilds first thing in the morning, middle thing in the day, and last thing in the evening?

Said Jake, unaware of the shot that’d extricate his posterior in the blink of an eye—okay, I have to stop with that.

Apparently Jake is torturing Karkaroni by making him hike around in a freaking suit. That can’t be good! Is this something he’s doing to get Jake’s favor? Because if so then it’s not worth it! You couldn’t get me to hike in a suit unless you paid me a veeeeery large amount of money.

DAVE: hey jake were cool on the whole cardio program or whatever

DAVE: karkats not really what id call a kinesthetic learner

KARKAT: HEY!

KARKAT: I CAN HOLD MY OWN IN A THRESHING MATCH BETTER THAN 99% OF THE SQUISHY, PLACID HUMAN POPULATION ON THIS PLANET.

KARKAT: I WAS LITERALLY TRAINING TO BE A COMBAT SPECIALIST ON ALTERNIA.

KARKAT: MAYBE WE SHOULD SOMETIMES TRY TO REMEMBER AND *FUCKING RESPECT* THAT FACT ABOUT ME???

DAVE: hm

DAVE: gonna make another mental note about which material to avoid when writing your campaign speeches

DAVE: like

DAVE: dude is nuts with a sickle

DAVE: can carve a bloody arc through a surrounding circle of gathered squishy humans

DAVE: watch their guts spill on the floor while he roars at the sky in honor of his genocidal ancestors

DAVE: were kinda trying to downplay the idea that trolls are naturally good at violence and shit here?

Hm. Recently I found out the sharp edge of sickles and scythes are on the inside, not the outside, so I call shenanigans on the deadliness of a sickle when it’s about groups of people. Hah! But yeah, they better avoid anything that involves killing humans and how good the trolls would be at that with some training. Don’t say it aloud, you’ll give Jane ideas!

Apparently they hadn’t popped the question to Jake yet, they just did. Jake doesn’t seem very eager to give the endorsement, so Dave tries his hand at appealing to him by pointing out Jane owns the internet, and also that Jane has been saying some nasty things of Jake in the media. Wait, did Jane go ahead with her idea of ruining Jake’s good name? Oh god, she continued messing with the lollipop and lost any inhibitions about not doing that, didn’t she. That’s what happened, I bet. Goshdarnit, Jane.

By now I’m pretty sure ‘Jane Crocker has neoliberal austerity measures’ is the troll campaign’s slogan.

KARKAT: JESUS FUCKING CHRIST

KARKAT: I’M GOING TO SAY THIS FOR THE LAST TIME.

KARKAT: SWEET BRO AND HELLA JEFF IS ABSOLUTELY HORRENDOUS SUBJECT MATTER FOR PRODUCING CAMPAIGN ADS!

KARKAT: NOBODY KNOWS WHAT THE FUCK YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT, OR WHAT POINTS YOU’RE TRYING TO MAKE!

...ah. He’s using that surreal nonsensical creation of his to argue his points in the campaign ads.

...

Okay, Jane has the election in the bag. So much for being a savvy advisor, Dave!

At least Jake appreciates they’re not trying to disguise their appeals with a lot of pleasantries and sweet words, or trying to seduce him with blue dresses and scotch. After Karkaroni insults Jake half a dozen or so times to his face, Jake tries to settle things down by pretty much saying he’s not convinced yet and that he still hasn’t been given a reason to side with them against Jane, and Jane hasn’t given him such a reason either.

JAKE: Im not entirely ignorant of the rules of this jamboree. I understand that whoever i endorse will have a good chance of winning on nothing but my good word.

Jake definitely isn’t the smartest cookie in this baker’s dozen, but he’s not so dense he wouldn’t realize how desperate both sides are to try to recruit him, and he can pinpoint the reason. Good, he’s aware how important he is in this entire debacle, thank goodness.

JAKE: So why should i trust ANYONE trying to win my favor right now? Do you have ANY case to make which does not involve glowing accounts of my muscular bottom???

Quick, mention to him how you want a wink and double pistols instead of a picture of his ass, that’ll win him over.

Dirk comments spitefully Jake has no proactive thoughts – thanks for your commentary, Dirk, go away – and it’s up to Karkaroni to deliver the effective arguments to get Jake’s support. Oh, this is going to be good! Go ahead, show your oratory chops!

Karkaroni’s argument is that he’s not trying to pull the wool over Jake’s eyes, he’s not trying to hide his intentions or disguise things under a veneer of niceness. Jane is, and she’s more concerned with how things look than how they actually are. He has a point there, I think. Also, she’s holding an entire species’ reproductive rights hostage and that still resembles the Condesce’s actions too much for me to like it. To Karkaroni’s credit it’s a pretty good speech, I actually like it. Will it be enough to convince Jake?

he thinks it could break jane’s heart were he to oppose her. and yet, hasn’t she fired the first shot by broadcasting such scandalous things about him in the media? and it was so soon after they’d nearly had an intimate reconciliation. the more he thinks on it, the more jake struggles to believe in the sincerity behind jane’s friendship with him.

Oh god, she definitely is throwing mud at him. Jane, what the hell.

Until now he had been afraid of disappointing Jane and Dirk, but with Jane throwing stones at him and Dirk being insidious and thankfully far away from him right now, Jake decides he’ll do it: he’ll support Karkaroni. They did it! I’m actually surprised! Hopefully he’ll be able to do something before Dirk retaliates, but really, nice job, guys!

The matter of how much clout he’ll have left with humans is something that remains to be seen, as well as the intensity of Jane’s maybe-scandalous broadcasting about Jake, but this is a minor victory.

Hey, John, how’s it going?

Terezi is munching her way through another tin of human fatherly tobacco as john crawls into the back seat. this has been their ritual for several days. precisely how many, they couldn’t say.

...you know, for an injury that’s poisoned and almost fatal, John sure is lasting a long time. Are we sure it was as bad as it was said to be?

Since they have nothing better to do, John asks questions about how Terezi is the way she is, with her licking and smelling and eating tobacco as if it was chocolate. He says all of his conversations with her was a snark-off or a jokey argument – or that time she literally led to his death, lest we forget that. Somehow, John implied she’s difficult to be around, which isn’t really wrong, but...something I like of Terezi is that although she’s a bit exhausting, she has this way of talking that makes her fun to be around, most of the time. Ever since her pesterlogs that was shown pretty well.

All John wants is a real conversation, because he has been really depressed and antisocial these last few years, and although he doesn’t admit it to her, it was already stated pretty clearly he missed Terezi a lot. She’s here now! So he wants to talk to her. Although she’s really flippant about it, she appreciates it and calls John a dork in an affectionate manner. She may not show it often, but she really appreciates this kind of thing.

All this makes John reminisce about that doomed Game Over timeline, where Terezi bled seventy gallons of blood all over the place and collapsed in an outline made with her own chalk. She had been able to give him good instructions even though she was dying horribly, and John really admires that, he’s even a bit intimidated by it. Terezi admits she remembers that timeline too and is the reason she’s out here in the middle of nowhere.

TEREZI: TH4T DOOM3D T3R3Z1 M1SS3D VR1SK4 *SO* MUCH, 1T W4S L1K3 4 HOL3 1N H3R H34RT

TEREZI: 1 R3M3MB3R TH3 W4Y SH3 F3LT, B3C4US3 ON3 T1M3, 4LL H3R M3MOR13S C4M3 FLOOD1NG B4CK

TEREZI: 1 3V3N GOT TO S33 WH4T H4PP3N3D WH3N SH3 D13D

TEREZI: SH3 4ND 4NOTH3R VR1SK4 GHOST F1N4LLY FOUND 34CH OTH3R

TEREZI: 1T M4D3 M3 SO H4PPY G3TT1NG TO F33L TH4T, 4S 1F 1T W4S ON3 OF MY OWN M3MOR13S

Hmmmm...I suppose remembering all that made her want to look for Vriska, at least to feel again that happiness, because she feels Vriska and she have a connection of some sort. They do, that’s got to be admitted. Now she’s been unable to find Vriska and likely never won’t.

JOHN: you SAVED everyone!

JOHN: you’re the only reason we were able to defeat lord english and win the game at all!

JOHN: if it weren’t for you, me and roxy would have just floated around in paradox space like a couple of losers with no idea what to do!

JOHN: even worse, i might have tried to fix things MYSELF!

TEREZI: OH D34R GOD

JOHN: yeah!!!

Now that I think about it...he’s right. It was Terezi’s guidance what made the best canon timeline happen, without her it’d all have ended in the Game Over timeline. She did save everyone. Maybe things with the fight with Lord English would have gone better if she had been around to give them advice of some sort. If only.

It’s possible the reason why John has been staying in this car circling the black hole isn’t only because he doesn’t want to leave Terezi behind, but also because he doesn’t feel like Earth C is for him. Which is a sentiment I’m not sure I understand, I have to admit. They worked so hard to achieve it and he’s not happy with his life there. It’s strange.

TEREZI: WH4T 3ND3D UP H4PP3N1NG W1TH ROXY?

JOHN: i...

JOHN: dunno.

JOHN: we just sorta stopped hanging out regularly.

JOHN: then she got close with callie and i felt too awkward to try to figure out where our relationship stood.

TEREZI: R34LLY?

TEREZI: HMM

JOHN: what?

TEREZI: 1 JUST 4SSUM3D TH4T BY NOW YOU TWO M1GHT H4V3 GOTT3N TOG3TH3R

JOHN: really?

JOHN: why?

TEREZI: NO R34SON. JUST 4 HUNCH

TEREZI: 1 DONT TH1NK 1T WOULD H4V3 WORK3D OUT THOUGH

Right, it was a couple that had potential to happen. I wonder if it’d have worked out if they really had stayed together. Roxy seemed to really like him, it’s possible John going antisocial and depressed pushed her away. That’s tragic. Still, makes me wonder how that’d have been like if it had actually happened.

Now that he admitted he missed Terezi a lot, he asks her to come home with him. Better that than staying near the black hole doing nothing, no?

TEREZI: 1

TEREZI: 1M NOT R34DY Y3T

JOHN: when WILL you be ready?

TEREZI: 1 DONT KNOW

TEREZI: M4YB3 N3V3R

TEREZI: 1F YOU H4DNT FOUND M3, 1 PROB4BLY WOULD H4V3 D13D R1GHT?

TEREZI: 1S TH4T WH4T 1 W4NT?

JOHN: um, obviously not, dummy!

JOHN: if you wanted to die so bad you wouldn’t have...

JOHN: ...eaten all that disgusting shaving cream and tobacco!

I’m not very certain this is any good. Terezi hardly can be any healthier after eating all the shaving cream and tobacco. It could be she knows that and is just...eating stuff she knows she shouldn’t. But hey, Terezi decides John’s right, she’s not really looking for death. To me it seems she was looking for a meaningful relationship – doesn’t necessarily have to be romantic -- and thought Vriska would be the one to give it to her. Now John’s here, and he’s sincere about missing Terezi, so he’s a good option.

She seems afraid to let go of John, not even for him to get real food. She really is desperate for something meaningful.

now that he dwells on it, he can feel the ache again, both from the tooth piercing his flesh and, more insidiously, from the poison it has been delivering into his bloodstream.

For days. Least effective lethal poison ever.

Terezi isn’t really interested in leaving that tooth embedded into John and is ready to do some surgical operation with her katana. Hah! Oh boy, on paper this sounds like a pretty lousy idea, but it’s as good as it can get when they’re floating in a car around a black hole. May as well give it a try and hope he doesn’t die. Better plan than John’s ‘let’s let the tooth come out on its own’, plan.

She can’t even see/smell/hear anything because his shirt is over the wound! It’s almost laughable. That aside, how is the nasty wound from a poisonous tooth in John’s chest less gross than the description of he eating meat? I’m still scarred about that.

Terezi’s ready to do surgery with her sword, while John gazes poetically at her face and describes her as feminine. He’s really into her, seriously! The go-ahead is given, Terezi gets ready to dig in.

TEREZI: HMMM

TEREZI: 1TS LODG3D 1N TH3R3 PR3TTY GOOD

TEREZI: BR4C3 YOURS3LF 3GB3RT, TH1S 1S GO1NG TO ST1NG

John’s taking this admirably well already, for someone getting a sword between his ribs to take out a tooth I’m pretty sure is the size of a fist. I wouldn’t blame him if he passes out from the pain.

Once the tooth is out, now they have to stop the bleeding. She takes off John’ clothes, John is dizzy, Terezi is doing all the work here. She’s doing well, at least until John pulls her closer and gives her a kiss, because getting toxic teeth extracted from your chest makes you horny, I guess. Golly, John, you could have waited until she was done, at least!

Not that she’s not into it. She’s going into this with enthusiasm, she even lets John take off her shirt. You know, pretty amazing that in one plot there’s a whole lot of political nonsense, and on the other plot John and Terezi are getting romantic in a car. The disparity is so jarring, guys, I almost can’t believe it’s the same webcomic.

TEREZI: OH MY GOD YOUR BLOOD SM3LLS D3L1C1OUS

JOHN: woah.

JOHN: um, wow.

JOHN: ok...

JOHN: i think you’re really pretty, in... the light of the dead universe?

Smooth.

This page ends with them getting even more intense with their snogging. This went in some rather intense directions! When I started reading these epilogues none of this was even close to what I expected. Oh well.

I’ll continue next time.

Next time: next update

[journeysintowebcomics]

Homestuck Liveblog #182

UPDATE 182: Nothing Goes According to Plan

Last time the epilogues had started. First the meat route! Featuring John going to fight Lord English with many teenage versions of his friends, and Dave and Karkaroni launching their candidacy for president to stop Jane from getting there. Let’s continue.

Wherever John just zapped everyone to is very dark. Given the final destination likely is the place where they’ll fight Lord English, this would be inside one of the bubbles, no? I don’t remember them being particularly dark or dreary, so maybe they’re in the space between the bubbles instead. Shouldn’t be too difficult to find the one with Lord English, just look for the one with the destructive light show.

Apparently they arrived very early. It’s Caliborn, Gamzee and that robot rabbit. Hm. Perhaps this is when they went to fight Caliborn according to the clay theater show?

Lord English is holding something that looks like... Lil Cal? It’s definitely Lil Cal, and Lord English is definitely waltzing around with it in his little spotlight in the middle of the nowhere, swinging the puppet around by both its floppy arms. Well, rather, he was waltzing around. He stopped the moment you looked at him.

...okay then, of all things for Caliborn to be doing, dancing the waltz with the puppet wasn’t really one of them. Consider me surprised, story.

John and Caliborn do a staredown that’d have filled like eighteen pages of Homestuck, and John gives him a thumbs-down. Caliborn takes umbrage with that, although it’s just for a little while, before laughing and deciding this really was the moment represented by the clay theater thing. So, if I recall correctly, that ended with the Original Wonderkids being trapped in the juju, and Dirk shoving Caliborn and the red sprite whose name I don’t remember into the puppet. Foregone conclusion?

CALIBORN: BE QUIET.

CALIBORN: I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW THAT YOU JUST INTERRUPTED A GROUNDBREAKING INTERPRETIVE ART PIECE.

CALIBORN: IT WAS THE FIRST OF ITS KIND. PERFORMED ONLY ONCE. AND MADE MORE VALUABLE FOR ITS RARENESS.

JOHN: wow.

Yes, John, the guy who will destroy existence and also ruin everything still is a dork. Surprise?

Caliborn seems very confident everything will go according to plan and maybe he has reasons to believe that. I mean, it has to, for this to not be a paradox and doom everybody in the process. And yup! Effectively, the ninth page is all about how the heroes lost and got trapped in the juju. It didn’t go all according to the claymation theater because there were some minor and unimportant deviations, but it ended with their loss. I do wonder if we’ll see what happened after they got trapped, though. Kind of doubt it, given this is from John’s point of view.

Nope, it’s Jane. Alright, time to see what’s going on with her and how accurate Dave and Karkaroni’s assessment of her is.

So, I have read several paragraphs now. I can definitely see why those two would say that, and although it wasn’t as bad as it could have been, I do sense a constant and unsettling ‘I know better than everyone’ vibe over all this. Then there’s the matter of word choice:

In fact, Jane is pretty sure that Karkat Vantas would probably literally burst into flame if too many people happened to look at him at the same time, like a vampire walking out into the sun.

Wait. Jane lowers the pillow from her face and stares at her brass-and-glass art deco ceiling. Was that vampire thing xenophobic against Kanaya? Or whatever it was that Kanaya was supposed to be? No, of course not, she assures herself.

---

And despite being inarguably the dimmest of his family’s impressive ecto-biological stock...

Oh, dear. Stock. That’s likely a problematic word, isn’t it? Jane thinks. She crosses it off her mental list of “appropriate words to say during a press conference.”

----

And the consorts? Who had even given them the right to vote in the first place?

----

But Earth C’s paper-thin idyllic history was very close to a boiling point—its very first boiling point, in fact, which will have everything to do with the problematic nature of troll reproduction. The first generation of natural-born trolls obviously cannot be entrusted to a troll.

Which was absolutely not a xenophobic thing to think. It was just realistic. The citizens of Earth C were able to rest easy knowing that the government held careful rein over the... well, over matters of equity.

All that? It’s not outright awful, but it’s enough to leave a nasty aftertaste when you think about it for a moment. Can’t say I know how anything’s supposed to work in the so-called idyllic society of Earth C, or what kind of intricate social problems exist, so I can’t really comment about most of this without making a loooooot of assumptions that are a burden to deal with, but all this about controlling troll reproduction is an uncomfortable callback to the Condesce’s efforts to control human reproduction and mold it to her tastes. I doubt Jane would go that far, but it still is too much of a similarity to it. When I said last update she totally was the Condesce’s descendant it was a joke, not a wish for this, golly.

That aside, in all this I have the impression Hussie isn’t walking the walk, or whatever the colloquial saying goes. I don’t know why exactly he decided to go in this direction with the character, but to me it feels like he’s both trying to push in that direction and try to keep Jane similar to how she was in Homestuck. It’s just a few paragraphs and she hasn’t even said a word to another character, but to me it feels like he’s not committing to the characterization he’s trying to make here. You can’t do both at the same time, seriously. Maybe it’d work if it was an entirely new character instead of an existing character – and by Jove this story doesn’t need new characters, that’s for sure – but yeah, right now? All this with Jane? It’s...not really working for me. It feels kind of clunky.

I definitely can see why I heard people were unsatisfied with the epilogue, though! A character being given unsavory traits and inclinations it didn’t have before must have been an unwelcome shock.

Welp! Time to call Jake! I suppose she’ll try to get his political endorsement thanks to the major political capital he now has. Let’s see if it works!

JAKE: Ahoy ahoy!

Jane has to suck in a hard breath to stop herself from groaning. Why were so many of the finest young minds on this planet slaves to this foolish man’s perky glutes?

Can Jake be treated as more than a one-dimensional character with an ass jutting out? Would be great.

Apparently getting shot with horse tranquilizers is how the shows have been ending for a while already. No wonder there are riots every time, so much for the underdog victory in that show. Still, it’s working, because he’s adored by everyone. Jake sounds like he’s okay with this, but really, he must have a breaking point. You can get shot with horse tranquilizers only so many times before you demand it to stop.

JAKE: Its beginning to feel like all people want from me is to stick my derriere on a signpost for their own profit.

Funny you’d say that, given how much it’s been featuring in this epilogue.

Jake isn’t really the brightest bulb, but he’s not so dense he wouldn’t notice this, yup. Maybe he’d be relieved to know Dave and Karkaroni want him to wink and give double pistols at the camera instead of showing his butt on a billboard. If that’s what makes Jake support them over Jane I’ll laugh and also feel pretty bad for him.

In all this, Jane invites Jake to see her, saying she’s ready to give him what’s best for him. That’s...pretty manipulative, knowing what she wants. Still, she managed to convince him to go see her, so that’s that. I don’t think this meeting will go like she wants to, so I’m kind of dreading it. Next page!

Apparently John never considered the possibility they’d lose against Caliborn. I mean, it’s hard to imagine you’d get trapped into a juju that’s essential a complete void in the universe, but still! He says he screwed up, and praises Rose. Looks like John is alone in the space he’s in, while the rest of the Wonderkids are in their own little pockets of nothingness not too far away. Inside this juju they can’t feel time or space, which is...good? Means they’re not going to die, at least. Dave and Jade are powerless. Can Rose use her seer powers?

ROSE: What did my future self say it was we had to do?

JOHN: erm... she never rea—

DAVE: WHAT?

JOHN: she—

DAVE: I CANT HEAR YOU

JOHN: UM, SHE NEVER REALLY TOLD US WHAT WE HAD TO DO, EXACTLY?

JOHN: JUST WHAT WAS GOING TO HAPPEN, IN A REALLY LOOSE SORT OF FASHION?

ROSE: DOES THAT MEAN WE’RE STU—

What does it say of me I thought she was going to say ‘stupid’. For charging ahead without getting as many details as possible of what future Rose said, I guess. Maybe it’d have been less of a shock when this happened.

Apparently what future Rose foresaw is that they would be trapped in the juju and then freed in the future. Sounds about right, I think that was implied to happen in Act 7. So it’s only matter of time before they’re freed, although, knowing who wrote this, I wouldn’t be surprised if the rest of the fight against Lord English is just shunted aside with a vague description of how it went. Hah!

From what John can imagine, the battle outside is going just like the claymation theater had predicted. By now Caliborn must be getting shoved into the puppet and thrown into the fabric of the multiverse, to doom everyone. You know, now that I think about it, how are the New Wonderkids going to leave wherever they are right now? Without John they’re kind of stuck. Whooops.

It doesn’t sound like Terezi is in the new world. Either she isn’t or she completely cut contact from the rest, because John misses her. I figure he’d at least know what she’s up to, if she were around. Hm.

She wouldn’t have let you neglect relationships with certain friends for so long that you missed whole chapters of their lives. She wouldn’t have put up with you moping around with the salamanders for so long. She would have kicked your ass for being such a loser about everything. She would have poked you in the forehead and called you insufferably lame and told you to pick up the damn phone. You would have called her a weirdo and pretended you hated it, and maybe you would even have believed you hated it. But now, sitting here in this little white cubicle, contemplating your regrets, you don’t think you’d have hated it much at all.

Definitely sounds like she isn’t around. I can’t remember what happened with her in Homestuck...maybe something in these epilogues will answer that?

Also, it’s possible John is depressed. It’s not impossible, really! It’d be surprising if after the events of Sburb and its very traumatic qualities they’re not affected in some manner. Some seemed to be better-adjusted, somehow, but it’s not out of the question others have been affected negatively. Maybe John is depressed. Nothing to do in this juju than tell the rest about that, I suppose.

It’s strategy meeting time right there at Karkaroni’s hive. Dave is in charge of everything, outlining their strategy and what the consequences of Jane’s reign of terror will be. Most of it goes over my head, I admit, thanks to Dave’s verbose way of talking, and Karkaroni and Jade don’t seem to be faring much better.

DAVE: are you two even listening or are you just making noises with your mouths

KARKAT: HOW DARE YOU.

KARKAT: I CAN’T BELIEVE I’M BEING ACCUSED BY DAVE STRIDER, REIGNING EMPEROR OF SPEWING ENDLESS VERBAL DIARRHEA DIRECTLY INTO MY INNOCENT HEAR DUCTS EVERY DAY OF MY FUCKING LIFE, OF MAKING THOUGHTLESS MOUTH NOISES.

KARKAT: JADE, ARE YOU HEARING THIS?

JADE: im scandalized

JADE: especially when

JADE: there are much better things we could all be doing with our mouths.....

...

...

...

...did I mention already I have heard so much dissatisfaction about the epilogues? I didn’t get many details back then, but I definitely am realizing why I heard those opinions all the time. What’s wrong with you, Jade. Nobody else knows how to react, so Dave just continues his strategy meeting.

From what I can gather here, Dave’s opinion is that Jane will capitalize on the very violent and very disturbing features of troll life back in Alternia, and boy is there plenty of that. The average person would be incredibly fearful of a repeat of any of that, especially if the Condesce is brought up. Really, in terms of humans, I’m preeeeetty sure Jane has their vote, no contest. Can’t say I wouldn’t vote for her if I was told about the brutality of troll life and the effects it’d have on us. It’s all about how it’s presented, and Jane would definitely present it at its most raw.

Jade gives an overview of the consequences of the Jane presidency in a manner that stuns our dear underdogs here, and also dog hormones are mentioned. Are you telling me that in the fusion Jade was somehow implanted with her dog’s endocrine system? Was that a thing? Because if she wasn’t then this doesn’t make sense at all, unless somehow her dog ears and tail are secreting hormones. It’s illogical. Not that Jade being fused with her supernatural omnipotent dogsprite is incredibly logical.

You know, when I started reading the epilogues I didn’t really expect to be reading about Jade’s polyamorous urges. I don’t want to read about Jade’s polyamorous urges. Let me just...skip this until the topic changes.

I can’t believe that took the rest of the page, and that’s not a joke-y ‘I can’t believe’. Well then. Next.

Oh, great, it’s Vriska. You know, I like Vriska enough, buuuuut her influence in the narration was never really something I liked of her. Guess I’ll have to endure that, then. The narration starts with reminding she still has quite the hero delusions. Peachy! Off to kind of a bad start. Still, what’s important is that she’s facing Lord English and she has just deployed the juju that’s hosting the Wonderkids, so this really is picking up from Act 7. I didn’t think this would be happening yet here we are. Nice!

Now that the juju has been deployed, the majority of those present – Meenah, Tavros and a myriad of unnamed ghosts – should be retreating, but Vriska wants to see how Lord English destroys reality, which he does with just a roar, sending literal pieces of reality crashing down and bonking Vriska on the head. Above her, a black hole is forming, consuming reality itself. It’s so strong that, without Tavros to anchor her, she’s lifted off the ground and sucked towards it. She’s unable to hold onto the juju or onto anything, and disappears into the black hole.

Well that was quite the random aside, but that’s how Homestuck is.

John and the rest emerge from the juju, just in time to see the huge and realize things are falling apart. There’s nothing about Lord English being nearby, so maybe he was absorbed into the black hole as well? Not much time to wonder about that, because reality unravels.

In Jane’s office reality isn’t unraveling, though, what’s unraveling is her patience, because Jake doesn’t figure out entering through the door is what anyone would do, instead of entering through the window from what’s likely not a ground floor office. Once he enters like any person without powers would do, Jane receives him.

And intimate knowledge of his hoarding habits—particularly the type of sultry, cerulean content he is known to hoard—is exactly why Jane is wearing a blue dress with a very high hem. Jake’s bow tie practically spins at the sight of it.

Thaaaaat’s also manipulative. Clever and it most likely will work, but it’s manipulative. I’m still having a hard time trying to associate this with Jane, honestly.

Well she tries to seduce him, which, knowing how hard of a time she was having enduring her romantic trouble in Homestuck, is darkly hilarious, especially when it fails completely because she’s not good at this. All Jake can do is spit bourbon at her. After that little stunt she’ll need to have incredible patience not to kick him out immediately, but the political capital must be really worth it.

Although she’s clearly very frustrated, she still plows ahead and starts talking about the economy, trying to get Jake up to date with the intricacies of what’s going on. He doesn’t know anything at all, so she has to explain to him everything. She still seems to be kind of aiming to seducing Jake, though. Sigh.

Who are they now? The same Jake and Jane who passed like particularly dysfunctional ships in the night a decade ago? Or is Jane wiser, and Jake kinder? Are they better versions of themselves?

Well it sure wasn’t the other way, Jane sure didn’t get kinder and Jake wiser. That much was very clear just from this update.

I’m not entirely sure if her reminiscing about how they may be all drifting apart and how the trajectory all of their lives have taken is fake – part of me believes it may be sincere, after all – but what I’m sure of is that she doesn’t miss Jake. She makes sure to say she does, though! And he reciprocates. This leads to a lot of kissing. This sure escalated fast! And on Jane’s favor, dare I say. It was a complete accident, but it’s going pretty close to what she had intended.

Or not, because through all this Jake keeps thinking of Dirk and his abysmally romantic attributes. Boy, if Jane heard about this she’d be even more frustrated. But yeah, pretty clear Jake hasn’t gotten over Dirk no matter what. Seems to me like he’s doomed to think of Dirk for quite a while. He realizes that in a flash of inspiration and yelps in panic, deciding to scram and ending Jane’s underhanded romantic overtures. That went pretty badly!

JANE: What the...

JANE: Everliving fuck!

It really is for the better she’s not aware what was going through Jake’s mind, hah! She even calls Dirk to talk about what happened. He’s not understanding, he simply states you can’t be nice to Jake if you want him to be interested in you, and pretty much tells Jane to stay on her line and stop trying to play romance with Jake because that’s his turf. Paraphrasing. This is starting to seem more and more like Jake won’t throw his hat in their ring, in my opinion.

She’s also looking emotional support, and she’s not getting it from Dirk because she has other things to deal with, more important than the election of president of the entire planet. Rose is here, and given how they have a mutual problem, they have to talk about it. But that’s for next time!