#what fucking kills me is caldwell said that and I IMMEDIATELY WENT 'oh it's gotta be emily'

[voxmilia]

DM vs DM vs DM violence

Bonus: "He's gonna be shaking his head so much."

[andromeda---galaxy]

secret keeper

They’re sitting under a tree in the middle of Central Park eating burritos, and even though there’s sound and people all around them, they’re surrounded in a nice sort of silence. Their train home has been delayed and they’re waiting it out, but both of them love hanging out here. Lukas watches a man and his two dogs run back and forth, chasing a Frisbee. And there’s a set of girls that look like cheerleaders, trying to stand on each other’s backs and failing over and over again. Lukas smiles, shaking his head.

 Philip is clicking through the pictures he took of Lukas today and Lukas is trying not to stare over his shoulder and scrutinize every dumb expression on his own face. But he knows this is the beginning of the portfolio pictures and he hopes he’s the model Philip wants him to be.

 He looks down at his notebook and shoves the rest of his burrito in his mouth, lamenting the few black beans that fall into the grass. He’s been trying to come up with a stupid logo for himself and failing, scribbling out the remainder of what’s left on the page. He’s got the details of a few future motocross circuits written down on the page, all of which he’s already discussed with Philip. He only picked ones that are in spring term of their junior year, and figured he could take a summer term to make up for missing it. It’s still a ways away, but it’s definitely weighing on his mind.

 He really misses riding his bike all the time, and he still knows he wants to do it professionally. It’s so possible, he just has to reach out and snatch every opportunity. And he can hear Philip’s melodic voice in his head, reassuring him, wiping away his worst fear about the whole thing. I’ll be there every step of the way.

Lukas shifts away from Philip a little bit, trying to be nonchalant, and flips to the back of his notebook. The pages are filled and Lukas is pretty proud of everything he’s written there. It’s been killing him every day to keep it a secret, but whenever Philip smiles, whenever Philip laughs, whenever Philip tugs on his shirt and pulls him in for a kiss, Lukas has something else to write down. And he knows it’ll be worth it. His cheeks go a little hot at the idea of Philip finally seeing these, and the secret throbs beneath his skin.

 “What’re you looking at?” Philip asks.

 Lukas’s heart dips and he quickly flips back to the front of his notebook, hopes he isn’t acting too obvious. “Consumer Behavior notes,” he says, shaking his head. “Boring.”

 “You finish your paper?” Philip asks, taking another bite of his burrito.

 “Yeah, a little bit ago,” Lukas says. “Just gotta type it out tonight.”

 “We still have ink, right?” Philip asks.

 “Yep,” Lukas says. “I gotta get more color soon, though. But we’re good for now.”

 “We do have to pick up dog food on the way home,” Philip says. “I’m probably gonna get that Wellness Core because Angela has been saying it’s better.”

 Lukas smiles. “Only the best for our little angel.”

 “Of course,” Philip says. His eyes are sparkling and he shifts back, clicking his camera off and leaning on Lukas’s shoulder. “Stupid train,” he mutters.

 “It’s okay,” Lukas says, kissing his forehead. “We’ll get to watch the sunset.”

 Philip’s phone starts ringing then and he swallows the bite he was chewing, taking the phone out of his pocket. “Mmm, it’s Gabe,” he says. He quickly answers it, bringing it to his ear. He holds out the remainder of his burrito towards Lukas. Lukas takes a bite and then wraps up the rest of it, putting it in their trash bag. “Hello?” Philip says. “Yeah, he is—one sec.” Philip pulls the phone away from his ear, pressing a button. “He wanted me to put it on speaker so he could talk to both of us—hey Gabe, you there?”

 “Yeah, I’m here, hey boys,” Gabe says.

 “Hey Gabe,” Lukas says, leaning forward and bracing his forearms on his knees.

 “Helen there?” Philip asks.

 “Just me at the moment,” Gabe says. “Listen, I won’t keep you, but I wanted to ask you two—well, ask and tell.”

 Lukas and Philip share a look and Philip raises an eyebrow.

 “What is it?” Philip asks. “Everything okay?”

 “Everything’s fine,” Gabe says. “I know it’s a bit away, but I wanted to ask if you two would be coming home for Thanksgiving.”

 They hadn’t really talked about it yet, but Lukas doesn’t mind. Philip looks at him and Lukas nods. “Yeah,” Philip says. “We can.”

 “I already talked to Bo and he said he’d spend it with us, especially if you come, Lukas,” Gabe says. “We’ve actually been spending a lot of time together lately, we went out the other night and did some line dancing—”

 “My dad?” Lukas asks, his eyes wide. “My father? Are you sure you had the right person?”

 Gabe laughs heartily. “I have a couple videos I can send your way, for proof,” he says.

 “I’m excited to see that,” Lukas says, trying to imagine it. “But yeah, we’ll definitely be there.”

 “Great,” Gabe says. “And the other thing, well, I’ve sorta been sitting on this for months, since, uh—Christmas. Your big old speech, Lukas,—sorta inspired me. But I think you might have known that.”

 Philip is giving him a look and he tilts his head to the side, narrowing his eyes.

 “So I wanted to tell you guys first—I’m gonna ask Helen to renew our vows.”

 Philip draws in a breath and Lukas does the same, reaching over and grabbing his knee.

 “Really?” Philip exclaims, closer to the phone.

 “Yeah,” Gabe says. “I wanna do it in the spring. I know it’s a while away, but as soon as you find out when your spring break is I’d like you to let me know, if you could. I’d arrange it around that so you could both be there.”

 “Absolutely,” Philip says. “Gabe this is…this…”

 “This is awesome,” Lukas says for him, watching Philip nod. “This is so great.”

 “I hope so,” Gabe says. “I only want it to be very small, something at home, I think that’s what she’ll want too.”

 “Definitely,” Philip says. “Yes.”

 “Well, that’s it,” Gabe says. “Just wanted to tell you. I’m real proud of you boys, with how you’re living together, taking care of each other—all you do together. I’m really proud.”

 “Thank you Gabe,” Lukas says, something swelling in his chest. He’ll never get over someone saying they’re proud of him for this. It makes him the happiest person in the world, because he realized, back when things were crazy and their lives were on the line, that he’ll never be more proud of anything than he is of loving Philip.

 “Yes,” Philip says again. “Thank—thank you. Keep us up to date on the details of this thing. Thanksgiving too, anything you want us to bring.”

 “Only that little dog granddaughter,” Gabe says.

 “Oh yeah,” Lukas says. “She’s gonna be anxious to meet you guys.”

 “We can’t wait,” Gabe says. “Big secret, but Helen printed out the picture you sent of the three of you and put it up on the fridge. Place of honor.”

 Philip snorts, shaking his head. “Just make sure she doesn’t take it down before we get there, I need to see this.”

 “Don’t worry, it’s not coming down,” Gabe says. “Alright, go get your homework done or whatever you college boys gotta do.”

 “We will,” Philip says. “Thank you for telling us, we’re—we’re really excited.”

 “Absolutely,” Gabe says. “Lukas, thank you for inspiring me to do it.”

 Lukas is a little shocked in the face of this. “You’re—you’re welcome,” he says, swallowing hard.

 “Bye boys!” Gabe says.

 “Bye!” the two of them chorus, and Philip ends the call. He immediately turns into Lukas’s chest and buries his face there.

 Lukas wraps his arms around him, hugging him close. “This is so fucking cool,” he says. “I wish we could like, see the moment when he asks her.”

 Philip pulls back, his eyes shining. “Me too,” he says. “And you’re—Lukas, your big fucking heartfelt outburst inspired Gabe Caldwell to make this romantic gesture. Gabe, who is already one of the most romantic people I’ve ever met. How does this make you feel?”

 Lukas shrugs, because he can’t put it into words.

 “What the hell did you two say to each other in the hallway at Christmas?” Philip asks. “You told me some shit about relationship advice.”

 Lukas thinks about the things he’s written in the back of his notebook. The addition he’s gonna put in tonight, about how Philip looked and sounded after this phone call. How his eyes are shining, the purple pink of the sunset catching in his hair. How Lukas just wants to kiss him always, always, forever. “Hmm, I’m not sure,” Lukas says, looking up at the sky.

 “Lukas Waldenbeck,” Philip says, feigning offense. “Are you hiding something from me?”

 Lukas looks him in the eye and remembers the conversation with Gabe at Christmas. I know waiting is awful he’d said but this will help you along the way. And when you give them to him, after asking that big question—the look in his eyes will be worth it.

 “I think you need to kiss me,” Lukas says.

 “I think you need to spill this secret,” Philip says, a smile playing on his lips.

 “Secret is I love you,” Lukas says, shrugging.

 “That’s no secret,” Philip says.

 “Say you love me back,” Lukas pleads, hands on Philip’s waist and tugging him in.

 “I love you back,” Philip says, shaking his head. “Even if you’ve got secrets.”

 “Mmm, I definitely need you to kiss me,” Lukas says.

 “Fine,” Philip says. “Secret keeper.”

 “Mmhm.” Lukas pulls Philip in and kisses him slowly, tenderly, and waiting to ask is awful. But every day is aflame with Philip, with the joy he brings into Lukas’s life. So it’s not that bad. It’s not bad at all.

 It’s perfect. And once he asks, once Philip sees everything he’s written—it’ll be even better.