#what convinced me to get back into dw was a fucking dream where i knocked the doctor out and convinced the tardisto take me

[beleth]

doctor who fans must learn about the beauty of the permian.

[marvinswriting]

Broken Arm

Tw: Major character death, reference (slight reference) to self harm- unrelated to the death dw im so sorry im so sorry im so sorry im so sorry im so sorry im so sorry im s- g/t mean girls

The air smelled of disinfectant mixed with depression. 

I couldn't tell if it was that or the pit of anxiety that was making me nauseous as I stare numbly at my arm, freshly casted. The bright lights and hushed voices of the hospital didn't feel real. Like, I knew I was here on Cady's shoulder, leaning against Aaron, but at the same time, I wasn't here.

Or I'd rather not be at least.

I hoped I could wake up from this nightmare. Any minute now Damian would nudge me awake, school day over or something. 

But this wasn't a dream because the pain was all too real.

I stare blankly down the hall. The hall where they rushed him.

Damian got hurt the worst.

My stomach tightened thinking about it.

Cady had her head in her hands mumbling about a concussion. Gretchen set with her hands folded neatly in her lap, looking out into nothingness. Both Karen and Regina were crying softly, looking shaken up.

The sound of doors slamming down the hall makes us all lookup.

Ms. Hubbard runs into the room, teary-eyed and bewildered.

"Where?"

Karen points down the hall. "They won't let anyone in."

"What happened?" She says after getting a good look at all of us. "Jesus are you all okay?"

It wasn't hard to see where Damian got his motherly instincts from. 

"Janis, your arm!"

Ms. Hubbard rushed over, promptly scooping me off Cady's shoulder.

"Know how they say tinies shouldn't ride unsecured on a shoulder when in a car? This is why." I motion to the cast. "Somebody blew through the intersection. Hit driver's side, right-right uh, where Damian was." I look. down, swallowing hard. "I fell."

"And this is why we have safety regulations. Who else got hurt?"

Mama Bear Hubbard went around the room making sure everyone was okay. It was a nice distraction from what was going on down the hall. For all of us.

"Cady, I'm very grateful you wore your seatbelt otherwise it could be worse than a concussion."

"Gretchen, I hope the scratch on your arm heals."

"Regina, maybe take a nap you'll feel better."

I couldn't help but smile.

Ms. Hubbard lifted me to her shoulder and I sat down as she found a seat next to Cady.

Everything felt harder with one arm, but one thing Damian takes after his mom is walking smoothly without bouncing or sudden jolts.

The waiting room was silent again.

It feels like we sit for hours.

Maybe it was.

It was probably only minutes.

A doctor emerged from the hallway where Damian was. 

Ms. Hubbard stands quickly, silently scooping me off her shoulder and handing me to Cady. She rushed over to the doctor and we all watch wordlessly.

We can't hear what they're saying but body langue isn't had to read in these situations. 

They talk for a bit before Ms. Hubbard's hand shoots to her mouth. 

The waiting room once filled with clicking of keyboards and buzzing of lights was now filled with gut-wrenching sobs.

Aaron wrapped his arm around me, pulling me closer. We all knew whatever news was coming couldn't be good.

I didn't want to hear it.

But I listened anyway.

A week.

They say he has a week.

At most.

He was awake but- in pain.

Ms. Hubbard was in the room right now talking.

Visiting hours for today would be over soon but if we all spoke for ten minutes each-

Ten minutes wasn't enough.

Ten minutes won't ever be enough.

I'd have more time tomorrow.

A week.

The news made my head spin.

I couldn't just have a week left with Damian.

We were supposed to have the rest of our lives.

We were fric and frac. You never saw one without the other.

It can't just be a week.

Ms. Hubbard stepped out of the room, glancing at all of us. If her teary-eyed expression mirrored our own, then we all looked like a mess. I felt like a mess.

"Janis," Aaron said softly, rubbing my uninjured arm. "You wanna go in first?"

I didn't, actually. I didn't want to go in at all. I didn't want to go in and have the situation solidified. I didn't-

"Yeah. I'll go."

Cady didn't move but Karen came over, lifting me gently off Cady's shoulder.

Aaron leaned back by Cady's neck as Karen walked away. 

The whole group looked distraught, I could only imagine what I looked like.

I looked down as Karen opened the door to the room. My finger trailed over my cast, as I looked everywhere other than the bed in front of us. 

"Hey, guys."

My head snaps up at the voice. Damian sounded in pain just to talk. The tears in my eyes were back.

I wasn't gonna cry in front of him.

He deserves better than that.

Damian didn't look like he had just been hit by a car. I don't know how I expected him to look. Maybe completely casted like in the cartoons. Instead, he just looked pale. There was a bandage on the side of his head right by his hairline and his entire left arm was wrapped up and gauzed. 

The side the car hit.

I swallow thickly, trying not to cry.

"You guys don't have to just stand by the door," Damian said with a humorless laugh.

"Right." Karen set me on the table next to the bed and silently waved a quick goodbye.

Despite the slow beeping of the heart monitor, the room felt deafening quiet.

"Hi," I say flatly.

Things were never weird around Damian before. We always knew just what to say to each other and when. But- I was at a loss.

What do you say when your best friend is dying in a hospital bed? 

There's no go-to small talk for that.

"You okay?" Damian asks me. His eyes don't have their usual shine and I force myself to look away.

"Yeah."

"You sure? I can't imagine your arm feels great."

"This isn't about me." I cross my arms over my chest, as best I can with the cast. 

"Janis," Damian frowns. "What's wrong?"

"What's wrong? Damian! You're in a hospital bed and you're worried about me." I step backward, blinking violently to stop the tears from falling.

Damian smiled sadly. "I want to make sure you're okay. I'm dying there's nothing they can do."

"Don't say that."

"Janis, it's true."

"But you don't have to say it!" 

Damian doesn't say anything to counter my outburst, he just sits there quietly. 

It's almost worse.

Great.

My best friend is dying and I yelled at him.

I'm a shitty friend and a shitty person. 

Damian deserves so much better. So much more.

But I can't give it to him.

All I can do is yell and be a little bitch.

Maybe I shouldn't have come in.

This was a mistake.

I glare down at my boots, almost like it's their fault.

My vision is blurred with tears that I refuse to let fall.

"Jan?" Damian says after a while. 

I look up expecting to see anger because I yelled. Resentment, bitterness, something.

But there was none.

Damian looked at me sadly, more worried if anything.

"C'mere."

I step to the edge of the table as Damian reaches out. I can't imagine it doesn't hurt and a familiar pit of guilt forms in my stomach as normal when I'm being a nuisance.

Damian scoops me up gently and I try to ignore how his hands shake underneath me, or how they aren't as warm as normal. I try to ignore the way his face has lost all color. The way his eyes look dull and lost.

I try to ignore the fact that my best friend is fucking dying.

He holds me gently against his chest, something he has done so many times before. Whether it was to watch a movie on a Friday night or for a mid-day nap during the hot summers. But this was different.

His heartbeat was concerningly soft. The comforting beat was faint and dull.

Tears burning in my eyes again as I leaned backward into Damian's cupped hand.

He was dying.

My best friend was dying.

My giant was dying.

Damian was dying.

"I love you, Janis," He whispered, his fingers cupping around me more. "So so much."

It's futile to hold back the tears now. I try unsuccessfully anyway. "I love you too."

There are tears in Damian's eyes too and something about knowing he's crying too makes it so much harder to stop the flow of tears. I cover my mouth as I try to bite back a sob, being wildly unsuccessful. 

"Damian, I can't- I just-" 

My brain can't put together sentences.

Damian is dying.

It's the only coherent thought my brain can make. Like a broken record with the needle stuck on the same part.

Damian is dying. He's gonna die. There's nothing I can do to stop it or help. He's dying.

"Hey," Damian hold's me closer. "You're so strong. You'll be okay. You're the toughest person I know. You've been through so much and you will get through this. Okay? You're so brave and I know you'll be okay. Just promise me you won't do anything stupid."

I don't respond. I can't make that promise. I cant-

"Janis. Please. Do it for me." Damian sounds so feeble, so scared, so broke.

To see Damian, the person who had always been my rock and safe place, the one with the level head who always knew what to do, look as lost as I did-

"I'll try. I promise." 

"Okay." He said softly. We didn't talk for a bit, we just sat there. I tried to convince myself it was like normal. Like any day I'm just held to Damian's chest. 

But it wasn't normal.

His breaths were shallow, my arm ached, and the unspoken goodbyes hung heavy in the room. 

There was a knock at the door after a while. Gretchen stood there. "It's been ten minutes."

"Oh, okay." Damian nodded, bringing his hand away from his chest.

I didn't want to leave.

Not yet.

I thought we had the rest of our lives to hang out. Not we only have a week.

At most.

Ten minutes isn't nearly enough.

"I'll be back tomorrow," I say, hugging his finger. "I love you."

"I love you too, Jan."

I let go and allow myself to get picked up by Gretchen, despite wanting to just stay and cry.

I can't bring myself to look back as we leave. Cady is waiting outside the room and steps in the second Gretchen walks out. 

The rest of the night is a big blur. I slumped against Regina the second I was lowered to one of the tables and for the most part, zoned out. But I couldn't sleep. The events of today flashed before my eyes every time I closed them. 

"Hey, Janis?" Regina nudged me. "You wanna stay with me for the night?"

My initial reaction was to say no and go home, but- 

I thought back to my promise I made to Damian. 

It would be easier not to hurt myself with somebody else around.

Besides, company didn't sound like the worst thing in the world right now. 

"Sure," I say softly. 

Regina stands, pulling me up with her. "Gretch is gonna drive us."

"Okay."

Gretchen lifts both of us as she brings her hand to her shoulder. 

I climb on numbly. My movements feel sluggish, like each limb has a fifty-pound dumbbell attached. 

We wave goodbye to Ms. Hubbard as we leave. She's driving Cady and Aaron home them coming back. Every part of me wanted to ask to stay with her. I know she'd say yes but- she needs time alone with her son.

I can't be selfish.

Karen is also getting a ride home from Gretchen and she holds Regina and I as Gretchen drives. No more on the shoulder when someone drives.

I spend the entire ride looking at my cast. The plastics around me talk but I don't pay attention. They don't expect me to. 

Regina and I get dropped off at the edge of tiny town. Its a bit of a walk to the George's and we treck in silence. 

It's dark out.

The tiny area of Northshore doesn't have many streetlights, but the lights from houses illuminate the sidewalk well enough.

I stop at my house first, grabbing a few things for an overnight trip. 

My parents aren't home.

I'm glad though. If I saw them right now I may start to cry all over again.

I think I've done a pretty good job of bottling up my feelings from today. Not that it's healthy. 

I can't have everyone worrying about me though. We have to worry about Damian. 

Tomorrow felt so far away.

We make it to the Geroge household and Regina turns to me, speaking softly. "I'm gonna go fill my mom in more. You know the way to my room. Make yourself comfy."

I nod, turning to the stairs. I hear Regina and Ms. George talking as I step into Regina's room.

It didn't change much since we were in eighth grade.

Our rooms used to be identically pink. Same bedspread, same pink-themed boy band posters, same fairy lights.

Then the pool party happened. 

My room changed drastically.

Regina's shed the old posters.

I toe off my boots leaving them at the foot of her bed and shed my jacket, letting it fall to the ground next to the books.

I flop back onto the plush mattress, the twinkling canopy of lights above me. 

Turning on my side and bringing my feet up to curl into a ball, I'm mindful of my arm, trying to ignore the way it aches.

If today went as planned- what would I be doing right now?

I'd be with Damian obviously.

My eyelids feel heavy but I can't sleep. I don't want to replay the memories of earlier.

I don't want to even think of the nightmares that could stem from it.

We had been so happy.

I was on Damian's shoulder bickering about him playing more broadway songs.

"Driver gets aux. Not only does the driver get aux, but this is also my car, Jan."

"But-"

Damian chuckled shrugging his shoulder a bit, making me lose my balance.

"Hey!"

Cady grinned at us from the passenger seat. "Today was fun guys!"

"I agree," Karen said.

The skies were turning shades of purple as Damian drove home. The gang had spent the day a couple of towns over just exploring. It was the little things like that where they had the most fun.

Damian flicked on his headlights. "I didn't think we would stay that long." He says honestly.

"Yeah, who knew exploring a town square could be a full-day event!" Aaron said from his spot in Cady's hands.

I grinned leaning against Damian's neck.

The plastics sat in the back seat talking amongst themselves, Damian or Cady occasionally chiming in. 

Despite my very clear opposition to it, show tunes were playing softly through the speakers. 

I look out the driver's side window at all the houses we passed. People sat on front porches talking, others walked their dogs.

We were on the main road so all roads we intersected with had the stop sign, not us.

That made it easier for me as the tiny. I didn't have to worry about stopping short and going flying. 

It happened so fast, none of us really had time to react.

Gretchen made some offhanded remark about the music and how it was "Janis's favorite". 

I scoff, glancing out the window-

-only to see headlights.

"Janis." 

I jump, Regina had walked into the room. 

"Sorry, got lost in thought."

"I figured." 

I sat up, swinging my feet over the edge of the bed as Regina sat next to me. "You okay?"

"As okay as I can be."

Regina tsks, wrapping her arm around me and pulling me closer. It's one of those times where you know talking won't do anything so you don't try. 

The headlights.

The impact.

The pain.

Damian.

It was all slowly catching up.

I look at my arm. "Today didn't feel real."

"I know," Regina said softly. "I know."

My phone rings from where I left it still in my jacket and we both jump.

I fish it out of the pocket, frowning at the caller ID. "It's Damian's mom."

"Pick up."

"Right."

I raise the phone to my ear, my mind racing through all the possible reasons Ms. Hubbard could be calling.

I just hoped it wasn't-

There was crying on the other end.

-that.

"Hello?" I say shakily. 

"Janis, the doctors were wrong. They- he- oh god. Damian-" There's a breath on the other end and I feel like I'm gonna puke from anxiety. "Damian died. He-"

For a second I think I misheard her.

"Wait- what?"

Then there are tears on the other end.

I didn't mishear.

Ms. Hubbard talks some more but-

I'm not listening.

I didn't mishear. I didn't mishear. I didn't mishear.

I had to have misheard.

But I didn't.

The phone in my ear feels like a dull buzz. My brain isn't understanding what Ms. Hubbard is saying.

It didn't make sense.

We were supposed to have a week.

I was supposed to see him tomorrow.

Tomorrow.

We don't get a tomorrow.

Damian is gone.

The realization clicks and it feels like a punch to the gut.

No.

I sink to the floor, my phone falling out of my hand. Its the least of my worries right now.

No.

The world around me doesn't feel real. It doesn't feel important. I'm vaguely aware of Regina by my side, pulling me into a hug and talking on my phone. 

No.

I'm vaguely aware of the tears falling from my cheeks. I'm vaguely aware of the way they hit Regina's shoulder, the mascara staining the designer fabric.

I don't care enough to pull away.

I don't care at all.

I went from spending the rest of my life with my best friend, to a week, to never seeing him again.

In a matter of hours.

It didn't feel real.

But if it hurt this much when it didn't sink in- then I don't want it to sink in.

Regina placed my phone down, her arms wrapping tightly around me as my body shakes with sobs.

Only four hours ago we were trying out different ice cream flavors a town over.

We were making fun of Gretchen and Regina, posing like basic white girls for the camera. 

But now-

I'm dimly aware of Regina talking but my brain cant process.

Damian's dead.

My best friend.

My other half.

The person who would stand by me for life.

Someone I could always count on.

Someone I love.

Was dead.

"He's gone." I whisper, my voice thick with tears.

"I know." Regina sounds just as broken as I bury my face in her shoulder.

"He can't be gone."

"He is."

We stop talking after that. We're still in the middle of Regina's bedroom floor but the thought of moving right now feels unbearable. 

Doing anything right now feels unbearable.

What's the point?

He's gone.

He's gone. He's gone. He's gone.

It physically hurt.

I couldn't move, I couldn't talk, I couldn't breathe.

Each shallow inhale was met with forceful cries.

He's gone.

Regina hugs me tighter as another sob escapes my mouth.

I know it's late and for the sake of others in the George household I should try and quiet down but-

Damian's gone.

I feel a spot of wetness through my shirt and realize- Regina is crying too.

Who wouldn't? Damian is gone.

The mom of the friend group, the light whenever one of us was sad, the only one who was willing to stick up for tinies regardless if he knew them or not. He was sweet to everyone, and always welcoming. 

That was rare in Northshore.

Now it's gone.

Now he's gone.

My mind kept saying it but it didn't feel real.

He couldn't be.

No.

Damian was my rock. I needed him. He needed me. We needed each other. What am I supposed to do now? 

He cared when no one else did.

He made me feel loved and important when no one else would.

Even as I sat here in Regina's arm, I never felt more alone. 

More lost.

Damian was dead.

I wouldn't get to see him tomorrow- I wouldn't get to see him ever again.

"Regina-"

"Shhh, I know." Her fingers ran through my hair gently removing the knots from the day. "I know."

But she didn't.

She wasn't there when I hit rock bottom. She wasn't there when Damian was. She didn't know how much I needed him.

I slump into Regina, completely drained of tears. She continues her work on my hair, it would be a lot quicker if she had a brush but- it felt nice.

"I miss him," I say bitterly. With the tears out, I felt angry. Angry at the world for doing this. Angry at the driver for blowing through an intersection. Angry at myself for not doing more. Not being able to do more.

"Hey, stop that." Regina says suddenly, grabbing my nonbroken arm.

Huh? 

Oh.

I had been scratching my thigh without even thinking about it.

My fishnets were ripped and four long red lines stood in their place.

It didn't come close to breaking the skin, but Regina gently held my hand anyway. "Remember your promise to Damian."

"How?"

"He wanted to make sure you were okay, no matter what happened. I mean- we all do- but you know Damian."

"Yeah," I say softly. Of course, Damian was more worried about me even-

Even on his death bed.

Because he’s dead now.

He’s gone.

I frown, pulling away from Regina. 

"I'm tired."

She nods. "Okay, you go to bed, I gotta- make a few calls, okay?"

"Okay."

I don't bother to change into the pajamas I brought, I just flop down on Regina's bed.

I can almost hear Damian telling me to change out of my fishnets and remove my contacts and take off my makeup- all the things I should do.

But the second I'm lying down- there's no getting up again.

I don't want to ever get up again.

He's gone.

Damian is gone.

He couldn't be.

It wasn't real.

I had to wake up from whatever hellish nightmare this was.

I look down at my cast.

A painful reminder of reality.

A painful reminder of today.

I twist so I'm on my back with my cast resting on my chest as Regina leaves the room, leaving the door cracked behind her. 

"Hey Cady, I have news. Aaron with you?"

guys- listen. this could be the angstiest shit ever or not at all- ive read it so many times im desensitized. So yeah, sorry if  broke your heart, ill try harder next time if I didnt. now who wants fluff? or tiny swap p2 lmao @realmisspolarbear @musicallygt @smallsoysauce @sourishlemons