#what cameron is then is a queer person isolated from their community

[you-and-youth]

like id be willing to say every poet has the potential to be traumatized from just. how systels like this work, especially if you bring the queerness metaphor into it. and cameron in particular gets this twice because not only is he, by being part of the group in the first place, firmly out of societys "normal" whether he likes or admits it, he also doesnt have the community and support system everyone else gets. hot take but isolating people is bad actually.

[firstfootingscotland]

Bogha-frois Conversations: Joseph Peach

Early this year during Glasgow’s Celtic Connections Festival I had the pleasure of joining a host of incredible LGBT+ artists for a performance and a panel around the theme of Bogha-frois: LGBT+ Voices in Folk. A brainchild of Pedro Cameron (Man of the Minch), Bogha-frois began as a workshop at the Scottish Storytelling Centre and takes its name from the Gaelic word for “rainbow.” The energy around Bogha-frois has enacted a metamorphosis - far beyond a standalone workshop, panel, or critically-acclaimed gig, Bogha-frois is a movement celebrating gender and sexual diversity within traditional and folk music, song, and dance in Scotland. Following the events in Glasgow, I wanted to continue these conversations and proposed a series of monthly blog posts. It’s hope this series will be a place for dialogue around the intersections of traditional arts, identity, and each artists’ path as a LGBT+ person. Our final Bogha-frois conversationalist is Joseph Peach! 

Tell me a story... what was a moment when you felt both your identity as a traditional musician and your identity as a LGBTQIA+ person were in focus? (1)

This is such a rare thing, so far at least. Until very recently, I haven't really seen even that a meeting of these two aspects of myself might be necessary, or indeed possible. The Bogha-frois gig at Celtic Connections was certainly one of these times though, it was an amazing and beautiful celebration. I was really surprised by how profoundly moving it felt to be part of a big group of LGBTQIA+ folkies playing music together, and for this aspect of our identities to be what had brought us there. Thinking about it, music- traditional music in particular, has so far been the biggest factor in making my identity, far more than the fact of being an LGBTQIA+ person. I think that's for a couple of reasons. I've been playing music since before I can remember, but I've only been aware and accepted that I was gay for a comparatively short amount of time. I've found understanding and reconciling this fact to be a process that is much more complex, and definitely still ongoing. To me, being a musician is everything: It's a passion, art, creating, a purpose in life, and way of life. If it was only a job, I'd be doing something else like practicing law, and being paid far more to work far more regular hours. More than ever before, the past few years have been a time of discovery creatively; finding worlds of artists and work to listen to, read, see and watch; things to admire, and be moved and inspired by. They have also been a time of doing more learning, playing, and making music. And what I’m really starting to understand, from work that inspire me, and the work that I make, is that for this whole notion of doing something like this only works if everything feeds in quite unfiltered. In a very roundabout way, I guess what I'm trying to say is that as getting comfy with the LGBTQIA+ aspect of myself continues, that of course there needs to be much more space and consideration for these two identities overlap.

How do you identify? What are the pronouns, descriptors or other words you like to use, if any, to describe yourself in regard to your LGBTQIA+ status.

I'm a (mostly) gay, cisgendered man I suppose, and the pronouns I use are he/him/his.

(photo of Joseph Peach by Somhairle MacDonald)

Talk about your perceptions of LGBTQIA+ identity (both yours and others) within your experience playing traditional music in Scotland.

Perception, especially self-perception is something I find very hard. I'm prone to being quite negative in how I see myself, and massively overthinking (usually in a negative way) my own notion of how other people see me- as a musician, person, and everything else. This is probably going to be a bit of a left field (and very long) answer, but relevant I think. It’s quite telling that when first reading the question that my mind immediately went towards anxiety. I think that for me, so much of what causes and triggers anxiety is to do with being a musician, and being gay. So, the musician thing. To me it is such a deeply personal thing, playing an instrument. How and why you do it is something wrapped up in the very fabric of you. And the nature of doing it for a living is one of always putting yourself out there- putting this really personal thing in all sorts of situations where people can hear and judge it. This is a bit terrifying sometimes, and it becomes a challenge not to be totally overwhelmed by the swirling thoughts that come with thinking about it too much- mainly that I’m doing a shit job, and that the people around me can see and hear that. This can present a major problem, but thankfully not all of the time. One of the things I love the most about the bands and collaborators with which I’m most regularly and seriously involved, are the levels of friendship, support, understanding, and trust which make these emotions fade in to the background, and make the space to focus on the things that are actually important. It’s all a question of perspective about perception I think, and there’s a real challenge in that.

And the gay thing. To my knowledge, there’s never been a better time to be LGBTQIA+, and arguably, in terms of rights, protection, and legislation, you’d struggle to find a better place than Scotland. Sadly, you don't have to look too far, to see very present, worrying and heartbreaking examples where being LGBTQIA+ is literally a threat to your life. So I’m extremely lucky to be where I am, when I am. In the great scheme of things though this comfort and protection is a very recent thing. Even in this progressive country we’re emerging from centuries of this sort of otherness being feared and abhorred- an abomination and illegal; something society said to be ashamed of. Thankfully, for all sorts of reasons that I really don’t know enough about, it feels that as society we’re moving away from this pretty quickly, and have been for a while. But certainly when I was growing up (and I’m sure being from a small rural place is part of it), I always had the impression that being some form of LGBTQIA+, (probably not described in such sympathetic terms) was something to be ashamed of. I was told that, saw it in the complete absence of any such people in the community, and heard it in the way such folk were talked about. Of course it’s a problem far bigger than that specific place. A problem it’s hard to see an end to until we stop raising children to expect that they’ll be straight and cisgendered.

I’m really interested in the Suzuki method. Much of it is based on the notion that it is possible to learn music in the same deeply natural way one learns their native language- by immersion, observation and impersonation. And it's so true- we do learn our first language like this. As a child, you become an expert in speaking your language through this deep and unconscious process. By this same principle, I managed to pick up a whole bunch of shame about being gay. My teenage years were spent agonizing about it, resenting it, and feeling quite isolated because of it; worrying about how others would see me, and tying myself in knots about how I saw myself. These things are ongoing I suppose- it's a lot to unlearn. The understanding and perspective that time and learning brings are hugely helpful, but working on my perception of myself in this way is definitely also still a work in progress.

(trailer for Joseph’s forthcoming record Air Iomall with fiddler Charlie Grey made in collaboration with filmmaker Hamish Macleod)

In what ways do you feel your identity as a LGBTQIA+ person and a traditional musician intersect, overlap, engage?

I’m really attracted to music that's quite absolute, just existing to be a wee world of its own, on its own terms, and that makes you go fuck, that’s amazing as an entity in its own right, not as an abstraction of something else. To me that’s lots of piano music, classical things, electronic things, and of course, much of traditional music.

My attitude until quite recently has been that it'd be hard to make any sort of explicit overlap between this sort of music and anything LGBTQIA+. If it is just music for its own sake, how can you make it queer, straight, or anything else for that matter? This is maybe the wrong way of looking at it though- if everything feeds in to music in some way, so being LGBTQIA+ must, even in small ways.

One place this is maybe quite concretely the case is in how I speak and move. It’s an idea that’s crossed my mind quite recently, when I was watching back a film that involves a lot of chat. I don’t often hear myself speak outside of my own head, so watching I was quite struck by how my voice sounded- it was quite camp. I don't mean that negatively- camp as an insult is bullshit from a toxic notion of heteronormative masculinity.

And I notice it too when I see myself playing the piano, the same sort of campness. Granted, I think being quite anxious can make me pretty hyper-aware, so maybe it's not so obvious to other folk. But playing music is a physical thing, so it’s maybe actually really nice that there are ways using my body to do that, or my voice to speak about it that come from an LGBTQIA+ identity. Noticing and valuing these small things already feels like something quite profound.  

Talk about your experience connecting with other LGBTQIA+ folks both inside and outside the traditional arts.

I'm extremely lucky in the community around me in Glasgow- I feel very part of something musically and socially. For me, connecting with LGBTQIA+ people is never something I've really consciously sought out- as with everyone else, it just happens over the course of day to day life. Other than accidentally ending up at Pride in Vienna a few years ago, and deliberately going to the Glasgow one once, the Bogha-frois gig was the only time really I’ve been involved in a gathering centered around LGBTQIA+ identity, and certainly a first time it’s been about music. And there was something unexpectedly and completely amazing about that.

If you’re comfortable sharing, talk about any incidents of homophobia or transphobia that you’ve witnessed both inside and outside the traditional arts.

I've been very lucky, sheltered, or possibly both in how little of this I’ve experienced, to my face at least. Within the scene within which I live and work, it's barely ever more than some off-colour jokes. When I was young, I think there was a lot of homophobic language, in school and in the community in which I lived- again this rarely amounted to more than off-colour jokes, but sometimes you’d know the sentiment was serious.

In all honesty, the worst homophobia I've experienced was probably levelled at me by me, during the younger years of coming to terms with my sexuality. That feels like quite a drastic thing to write, and when I think back to that time my inclination is to downplay it, but this is definitely no overstatement.

How do you see the traditional arts changing in regard to LGBTQIA+ people? What are the further changes you would like to see?

Malin Lewis said something really interesting in their answer to this question, about a link between some of what we’re talking about here, and the much needed discussion around women in traditional music that's been a big topic in trad scene over the past couple of years. My mind was really blown when the conversation started a couple of years ago. I had so little idea of the privilege I was enjoying in comparison to my female counterparts. It was quite an eye opener in a much wider way towards the workings of privilege in the world around us. It's kind of everywhere- systemic and entrenched societally, but also very individual- on the scales of privilege and disadvantage we all win and lose in different ways. It's a bit of a fucked situation, and I don’t know what the answer is, but what I don't think helps is denial. I think the most useful thing, for our own folky world, but also in the widest possible way, is simply acknowledging the privileges you have, being aware that they might be what allows you to occupy your space, and that they might well create a barrier that prevents other folk from also occupying that space.

You can learn more about Joseph and his music at www.joseph-peach.com.

First Footing is a collaboration between dancer and dance researcher Nic Gareiss, the Traditional Dance Forum of Scotland, University of Edinburgh Moray House School of Education, and the School of Scottish Studies with support from Creative Scotland. For engagement opportunities check out the First Footing website.

(1) Following methodology developed by Fiona Buckland in her book Impossible Dance: Club Culture and Queer World-making, I began each conversation asking artists to tell me a story. This, Buckland reminds us, redistributes significance to the voice of the artist, rather than the anthropologist/researcher/interviewer. In Buckland’s words, “the meanings they made from the practices are more crucial than whatever meaning I impose with the theoretical tools in my standard issue doctoral utility belt.” (Buckland 2002, p. 11) This feels incredibly important when collaborating with folks whose voices have so often been underheard or marginalized.

[ovven-blog]

♥ ❦ ✎ ♪ ♤

♥ - Something they like about your muse.

geez, there’s almost too much to choose from. owen didn’t fall for cam all at once. it happened gradually until, suddenly, they were dating and he realized how much he liked him. he’s passionate, kind, sweet, and patient, all traits owen highly values. cam has this strength that owen finds inspiring. if what happened to cam had happened to owen, he was certain he would never have been able to bounce back the same way cam did. the fact that he still had a zest for life and that beautiful smile on his face, was one of owen’s favorite things. it made owen want to try harder with everything, his career, his social life, his inner life. cam made him better. plus! cam has this amazing talent for making people feel special. owen, who has maybe felt special five times in his whole life, was over the moon for how supportive cam was, and how wonderful he made owen feel. he could surf any wave, get any job, and even achieve his dreams. cam is a treasure of positivity, and owen loves that about him.

❦ - Something they hate about your muse.

probably that he totally queer baited him for almost a year and then totally dumped him. although, he really can’t even say that he hates cam for it. but he does hate it. sure, sexuality is fluid~ and it’s valid for cameron to not want to be with owen anymore, but?? that’s so crappy?? he didn’t break up with owen because he didn’t want to be with him anymore, he broke up with him because one day he decided he didn’t like what they’d been doing for months. cam says it isn’t personal. owen knows it isn’t personal. but it sure fuckin’ feels like it is. it didn’t feel like just a break up. if they’d broken up because they didn’t click or because they’d drifted, it wouldn’t have felt so much like a rejection of who owen was. “it’s not you, it’s me,” may never have been so true. it may never have tasted more like ashes in owen’s mouth. he knows the relationship wasn’t fake, he does, whatever his hurt says, but that kind of makes it worse? it was all very real, and then suddenly, it wasn’t. owen wasn’t really special. 

✎ - A reason they’re jealous of your muse.

his ability to bounce back. how he was able to not only bounce back from his dream ending injury and come out of it not just okay, but a shining pillar of the local community. not only that, but how owen thinks he’s been able to bounce back from their break up. of course, he has it easier. he did the dumping, after all. but he was just as invested in the relationship for the most part, right? if he grieved the relationship, owen didn’t see it, so as far as he knows, he got over him really quickly. owen wants nothing more to get over him and move on, but he can’t. he’s just not the type. he ruminates on his short comings and failures and it prevents him from being able to move on. while they were dating, he got much better at picking himself up and moving forward, thanks to cam’s unfailing support. without that (albeit due to some self imposed isolation,) he’s slipped backwards down the hill again, and it doesn’t look like he’s going to be making the climb back up any time soon.

♪ - A secret they’re keeping from your muse.

owen didn’t really keep secrets from cam. cam was a safe person to talk to, trustworthy, and a good secret keeper. but, owen didn’t really have many secrets to keep in the first place. he never wanted to, even before they dated. these days, he keeps a lot from cam, but not because they’re necessarily things he doesn’t want cam to know. it’s more because he’s avoiding cam and doesn’t want to be close with him. that’s not true, he does want to be close with him. it just hurts, and reminds him of what they used to have. probably his biggest (and most poorly kept secret) is how much he feels like it was some weird homophobia that broke them up. this is why it feels so much like a rejection of who owen is as a person, because it also feels like cam rejected himself. he thinks cam a self hating bisexual.

♤ - What they thought about your muse when first meeting.

he thought “wow, i didn’t know people stayed high school jocks in twenty-somethings,” but in a good way. mostly. sports loving fratboy heterosexuals are as alien to owen as literal aliens, so their first meeting had owen a little concerned. he’d seen all the movies and tv shows, heard all the horror stories about what jerks they could be. but, he quickly found that there was nothing to worry about. yes, he was a football-headed sports nut, but he was also a wonderful, fun, kind person who wanted the best for those around him. plus, he’s overwhelmingly positive and definitely was a great help in getting owen settled, and then his sister.

[jamessandersweb]

Comedian Cameron Esposito Is Ready to Share Her #MeToo Story

Can you name a famous, openly gay comic doing stand-up these days? OK, sure, there's Ellen DeGeneres (actually, not even her - she doesn't do stand-up anymore). How about somebody else? It's not so easy, is it? Enter Cameron Esposito, one of the hardest-working queer comics out there.

Esposito, 36, has made a name for herself for her blunt yet relatable delivery using her unique brand of humor (which often references her spouse, fellow comic Rhea Butcher). Having started in Chicago, she has since toured the country, appeared in Garry Marshall's Mother's Day, and cocreated the sitcom Take My Wife. Now, she's working on a book ("Why didn't anybody tell me that book writing is terrible?").

We spoke with Esposito about the state of comedy, queerness, and what drives her brand of humor. We also discussed the impact of the #MeToo movement on her and her work; for the last two months, she's been working her own experiences with sexual assault into her nationwide tour. "As a survivor of sexual assault, [it's] trying to talk about my own story, but also all of the things that were contributing factors that I think we need to discuss," she says. In fact, she recently announced a new comedy set called Rape Jokes, which will be released on June 11.

POPSUGAR: What has the perception of your new material been like?

Cameron Esposito: For this, it's hard to talk about. It's exhausting. It requires a lot of personal revelation and vulnerability, and then there's the part where I talk about what happened to me, and it's not funny. I don't think it should be funny. That's about two minutes. And then it's just quiet for two minutes, and I think that's right. I don't think people should be laughing for those two minutes. It's been a real challenge as a comic, to be on stage and know that people are interested and with me, but not laughing. It triggers that thing in you when you feel like you're bombing.

PS: What kind of reactions have you been getting after your shows?

CE: I've been doing it in these 50-person rooms or 100-person rooms. The biggest audience I did it in front of was Nashville, and that was 300 people. It's felt very intimate and cool. I don't know; I haven't really had an experience like this. Because the last couple of years, my audience has been more and more engaged and excited to have me in their city as they've become more familiar with me. I always have a pretty receptive audience. But this is different. People are coming up to me and telling me their stories or thanking me for my work, which does happen a lot as a queer person - because I'm so out with the community, people thank me a lot for that. But it's overwhelming because I'm just a person. I mean, I am trying to do something with my life - it's not an accident. But I don't really know how to receive genuine care from the audience.

PS: Sexual assault among queer people, particularly transgender queer people, is high, but sometimes can get lost within the #MeToo movement. What do you think we can do to have or start more of a conversation about queer sexual assault?

CE: One thing that is very cool [is that] my audience is lots of different types of people. For younger folks, especially, who are usually the demographic that makes up a live comedy show anyway, the buy-in for a queer artist is very different. Like, I started in mainstream rooms, mostly for straight audiences. Of course, there are hardcore lesbian couples in my audience who are like, "We have the same life." And I'm like, "Rad." That's very cool. But there are also a lot of younger folks where it means something different. There are folks who are politically active. They're looking for a comic who has a specific point of view. And that could be a lot of different types of people. For folks younger than us - I'm 36 - the community is very different. It's queer folks, and allies, and people who identify across many spectrums in a way that was very different when I was that age. And that's rad.

"I literally couldn't come out at school because I could get kicked out for being gay."

So I really think the thing I can do is tell my story, because the contributing factors that happened to me were that I was coming out on a Catholic college campus with no support. I literally couldn't come out at school because I could get kicked out for being gay. And I was falling in love with a woman for the first time, isolated, and really steeped in shame. I had no good information about my body and sexuality, like at all, because I didn't have proper sex ed. So when I think about who needs to continue this conversation, I think it's all of us. Going forward, I think the model of behavior should be just stepping into the light. Because more information is better. I'm not a transgender person, but I think my talking about it on stage allows someone else to take the torch and tell their story, especially in comedy.

PS: What's happening with Take My Wife?

CE: It's on Starz, it's on iTunes. It's really a testament to the fans, that it has popped up all those places. So thanks to all those folks who cared about it. Sometimes, I think, as queer folks, we want more content that accurately reflects our lives, and I will say that what I really encourage people to do is either spend your social capital by talking about the show online or spend your disposable income. When you invest that way in queer content, people notice that. It's actually the fans that are in charge.

PS: How do you live your Pride every day?

CE: I'm pretty invested in presentation to the world. I'm trying every day to continue to live more "me." I'm a Midwesterner, so Los Angeles was very overwhelming when I first moved out here. But I learned I'm not competing against Jennifer Lawrence for roles. I don't have to pretend to be something I'm not, because I'm going to get hired as me. And that has been a huge surprise and something that I hope others get to feel in whatever industry they are in. What I'm trying to do is be out in the world and look queer. If I want to wear a leather jacket, I'll wear a leather jacket, because my boss doesn't care, because I'm the boss. And [I] show that to folks when I tour around. We are still shamed for how we look. [There's] the idea that being gay and looking queer is a problem. It's totally fine to present yourself how you want to be presented.

PS: A lot of people suffer from being judged by their queer appearance. What kind of pushback have you gotten?

CE: Have I been called slurs on the street? Absolutely. I have short hair now, and I'll occasionally get sir'd, and for some reason, that's a trigger from childhood where I felt shame for being a different kind of girl and now a different kind of woman. I also think there's huge societal pressure just to present in a way that conforms to normative beauty standards. But I find that I actually get a ton of positive feedback. A lot of times, cisgender straight dudes ask me about hair products, and it makes me feel good. Again, I hope that young queer folks who feel alone and maybe live somewhere more isolated, I hope that they occasionally read some of the nice comments on my Instagram. Because there are people who are here for how I look; therefore, there are people here for how you look.

PS: What advice would you give young queer people, perhaps young queer comedians, about how to live their Pride?

CE: Stand-up is a really easy answer to this. Stand-up needs honesty. There's nothing else going on in stand-up besides the comic is on stage trying to be honest. And so if anybody gives you pushback about sharing who you are, because we do live in this time of identity politics, don't let anybody tell you you're too gay, too queer, too much. Same thing for women; same thing for people of color. Get out there. Be honest.

Comedian Cameron Esposito Is Ready to Share Her #MeToo Story published first on https://filmstreaminghdvf.tumblr.com/

[sunflowerstationary]

This post is… kind of long

Tip: when typing on tumblr app, since it inconvenient to save as you go, occasionally select and copy everything so it’s saved on the clipboard

I can’t say much about the driving test because its been forever, but my instructor wasn’t like, unfriendly. I asked him about his job and he talked about how in his experience doing the test, all of the accidents have happened because of people who already had their licenses. And really, theres no shame in failing your first test. The instructor i had failed several people from the School of Driving or something. Its not a consistent test, I don’t think.

I’m really glad you get to live with Scappy again, I’m sure he’s super pleased to see you all the time again. i hate being away from my babies so much. They have each other, but no one pays enough attention to them I just don’t enjoy being home most of the time. Honestly, the biggest problem is that theres no where comfortable to sit. Like, the kitchen table doesn’t have chair backs, the couches are uncomfortable and impossible to cuddle on, and the floor is, well, the floor. Plus you never know who’s going to be home and when.

I would totally love to learn some russian. I wish I had the time to really commit myself to learning another language. I’m currently just trying to teach myself to use home row using keybr. I have yet to get all the way through because q keeps fucking me up. Also my nails make it kind of hard to like, really keep my fingers on the home row because if i do that I can’t really hit the bottom row of keys.

I occasionally text Collin, but they aren’t very good for answering. I don’t think there ever was any sort of resolution between us and think we agreed to keep it that way. I don’t think about them very much but I do miss them. I wish i could keep track of them better and support them somehow, they really meant a lot to me.

As a kind of side note, I occasionally talk to Rayzel. I like her, though its awkward sometimes because she doesn’t really carry on a conversation well. She rarely messages me first and that makes it really hard for me but she’s uber supportive all the time and its nice. She’s kind of been a nice neutral party when i don’t know who to talk to about a something.

Things are kind of better for me, though it feels fake and definitely would still rather be dead most of the time. Like I’m not sad as often but I also tend to default to sleep or alcohol before it gets really bad. So thats probably not the most healthy coping mechanisms but. idk things are good right now but i’m also pretty sure its because my school workload is very light and I’m barely working. I haven’t done any work for athena in twoish weeks and I’m only working 11ish hours for bk so I’m all hell will break loose for me when school gets tough and I get more hours.

The babies are good, Sandstorms face is getting bad again, and Lucky probably needs another bath. Sandstorms taken up peeing in the dining room again. Mom put the litter box in there for a while and obviously it helped, but mom couldn’t deal with the smell so she slowly moved it closed to the door for downstairs. and by slowly I mean not very slowly at all. It don’t think it really helped because I caught sandstorm peeing in there one morning when I was getting her shot ready.

Me and Kevin are good. Since I isolated the hell out of myself so he would be comfortable, there really isn’t any other tensions. I do really regret isolating myself so hard. I still wonder sometimes if I’m making the right decision here- am I going to look back in twenty years and wish I had put my foot down while I was still young and we had only been together a few years? I’m so clearly poly, and I’m going to keep falling in love with my friends for the rest of my life. Thats just how I am. I really don’t know what to do about it. I can’t imagine life without Kevin. I can’t even remember to put a bra on or brush my teeth, he more or less holds my life together since I just cannot.

The party thing was good. I got so drunk. I regret that. But it was fun and I really like Chris so. One of kelvins other friends, Tyler, who I like as well, showed up super high and now I am uncomfortable. Like, i knew he smoked but idk. I think I still need to get over that. I probably just need to get high once or twice and like. Not die or whatever. idk. But I totally forgot Chris’s comment and I’m TOTALLY going to ask the next time were alone. I’ll have to ask Kevin about the comment again to refresh my memory.

I haven’t tried the wine yet, it’s at my house and I plan on opening it whenever I need it there since its more socially acceptable than shots.

Athena hasn’t been great tbh. It did wonders for my self-esteem while I was there. More from feeling like I was important than actual work. But now that I’m gone, no one talks to me at all and it kind of. feels like its invalidating everything that happened while I was there. Idk. I got fairly close with a girl named Aubrie but she has barely talked to me at all since I left. No one is willing to hold conversations with me, and I wasn’t really around long enough and I didn’t talk enough to be able to ask people about their lives. Plus, they’re all very much in different parts of life than me, so it wouldn’t be good conversation anyway. Being a good listener is less useful when its not in persna and they have to type up everything. Its more effort for less reward. So no, i’m not getting much work and no I don’t really keep up with anyone. I should though. Physical letters would be a good idea. I wish I was a bit more creative, I could like, send pictures and trinkets and such. Idk. I should def do it.

I have so much I’ve wanted to talk to you about, but I can’t even remember most of it. I’m not sure If I told you, but the only queer on the team recommended the artist Kate Bush to me. They said that she was a very important part of her life and they have a tattoo relating to one of her songs so I was like ‘I’ll totally give her a try’. I’ve only really listened to her album Hounds of Love, but her other famous songs are Withering Heights and Babooshka. She’s very whimsical, and I have no idea if you’ll like her but, you know. I listened to a documentary on her while I was working and it was super interesting so I’m convinced.

NOTE: we should probably tag these so we can find them. You’re better at coming up with tags, so its your job :P

Schools been okay, Team Projects been kind of yucky because its all the people I’m trying to avoid, but the teacher is A++, very dad. So hopefully it should be okay. The problem is we had to ‘expose’ ourselves to help us work in teams better and I both did not want to share at all and also very much wanted to overshare. But Jordan, a girl who I took bookbinding with and I’m friends with, is in the class so that helps. Diversity in the Deaf Community is cool, the teacher is super great. He’s deaf, which makes it hard for me to talk to him but he’s so AWARE. Our first real lecture talked about how everything is a social construct. I never hear teachers talking about that. the final project is going to be a big deal though and I’m worried its going to overwhelm me, because I’ve got big final projects in every class.

ASL 3 is fine, I feel behind but it hasn’t gotten bad yet. Its got a paper that requires I interview a deaf person which. should be interesting. I really am shit at reading sign sometimes. Topics in Media Arts, Sciences will probably be really helpful in the long run but will probably be hell. The teacher is Russian, I believe, and her english isn’t always very good. The way she talks is incredibly frustrating for me- she’s just like my mom, she stops halfway through sentences. And she’s not always clear and we have to do like, real experiments. Were going to have eye tracking and finger thingys and its gonna be a lot.

And then Abnormal psych, the only class I’m actually excited to go to, which is from 5:30 to 6:50 which is. so yucky. But the teacher is super great and also super aware. she talks about how we need to break down the stigma around mental illness. Her specialty is working with Bipolar kids. She’s very energetic but i think she’s probably in her forties?  I actually have no idea but i’m accounting for my shitty sense of peoples age. Her face is actually very skull-like if you look at it close enough. Her eyes are kind of sunken and her nose is kind of big. I keep like, unconsciously diagnosing her. I think she probably has body image issues. She’s incredible, incredibly skinny. She wearing really tight tops but always has really really baggy pants. Idk, its not really my place though.

Mom hasn’t bitched as much about Ed lately, but I’m not sure if it’s because it’s getting better or because she’s getting used to it. I’m getting used to it for sure. I talked to him about making the cat tree. He said it would take a couple hours at most, and would be considerably cheaper than 300 dollars. He can get carpet for free, and wood and brackets aren’t that expensive. I guess before I okay it with him, look online, the the prices were much much cheaper (though I don’t know about shipping) but if me and Ed do it, you can make it look however you want. I think that would be kind of cool. I’ll try to remember to bug you about this if you don’t text me about it.

Victoria broke up with TJ, and he was anorexic for a time and dropped a bunch of weight. He says now he’s back to about his old weight now, with the binging and the muscle gain. He also recently started dating a tiny red head names Cameron. I don’t know much about her other than she’s a singer and not much of a dancer (Which is approximately the opposite of Victoria).

Dad has more or less stayed out of my life.

Me and Kevin got into Bondage, and it’s very much an experience I want to share with you. But I don’t know how comfortable you’d be so I figured I’d ask before I got into it. I also found out i’m into wax play and we’ve both struggled with the whole thing where were both subs and its hard.

Speaking of hard, I just wanted to make it clear in case it wasn’t, I’m not particularly comfortable being in Steve’s presence. I’m not sure what to do about it- I feel guilty for not liking him, especially because I wasn’t sure if it was because of who he is or because I’m jealous but now i’m especially wary of him after the thing on my birthday. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to really like him after all of the things he’s said about me that were negative. I admit, he is kind part of the reason I don’t really come over anymore (though our conflicting work schedules really really don’t help). So. Idk. I don’t particularly want to talk to him about it but I’m willing to if you want me to.

I think I had more to say, but theres already so much so! I love you very very much and I don’t even have words to explain how relieved I am that things are looking up for you. You deserve the whole word, just for being you. It’s probably more my fault for the lack of communication, especially as the one with more spoons in general.

Thank you for everything

EDIT: Send me the link to the Boot! Also, you should be proud, I’ve been listening to P!ATD for the past two weeks straight. so.

[jamessandersweb]

Comedian Cameron Esposito Is Ready to Share Her #MeToo Story

Can you name a famous, openly gay comic doing stand-up these days? OK, sure, there's Ellen DeGeneres (actually, not even her - she doesn't do stand-up anymore). How about somebody else? It's not so easy, is it? Enter Cameron Esposito, one of the hardest-working queer comics out there.

Esposito, 36, has made a name for herself for her blunt yet relatable delivery using her unique brand of humor (which often references her spouse, fellow comic Rhea Butcher). Having started in Chicago, she has since toured the country, appeared in Garry Marshall's Mother's Day, and cocreated the sitcom Take My Wife. Now, she's working on a book ("Why didn't anybody tell me that book writing is terrible?").

We spoke with Esposito about the state of comedy, queerness, and what drives her brand of humor. We also discussed the impact of the #MeToo movement on her and her work; for the last two months, she's been working her own experiences with sexual assault into her nationwide tour. "As a survivor of sexual assault, [it's] trying to talk about my own story, but also all of the things that were contributing factors that I think we need to discuss," she says. In fact, she recently announced a new comedy set called Rape Jokes, which will be released on June 11.

POPSUGAR: What has the perception of your new material been like?

Cameron Esposito: For this, it's hard to talk about. It's exhausting. It requires a lot of personal revelation and vulnerability, and then there's the part where I talk about what happened to me, and it's not funny. I don't think it should be funny. That's about two minutes. And then it's just quiet for two minutes, and I think that's right. I don't think people should be laughing for those two minutes. It's been a real challenge as a comic, to be on stage and know that people are interested and with me, but not laughing. It triggers that thing in you when you feel like you're bombing.

PS: What kind of reactions have you been getting after your shows?

CE: I've been doing it in these 50-person rooms or 100-person rooms. The biggest audience I did it in front of was Nashville, and that was 300 people. It's felt very intimate and cool. I don't know; I haven't really had an experience like this. Because the last couple of years, my audience has been more and more engaged and excited to have me in their city as they've become more familiar with me. I always have a pretty receptive audience. But this is different. People are coming up to me and telling me their stories or thanking me for my work, which does happen a lot as a queer person - because I'm so out with the community, people thank me a lot for that. But it's overwhelming because I'm just a person. I mean, I am trying to do something with my life - it's not an accident. But I don't really know how to receive genuine care from the audience.

PS: Sexual assault among queer people, particularly transgender queer people, is high, but sometimes can get lost within the #MeToo movement. What do you think we can do to have or start more of a conversation about queer sexual assault?

CE: One thing that is very cool [is that] my audience is lots of different types of people. For younger folks, especially, who are usually the demographic that makes up a live comedy show anyway, the buy-in for a queer artist is very different. Like, I started in mainstream rooms, mostly for straight audiences. Of course, there are hardcore lesbian couples in my audience who are like, "We have the same life." And I'm like, "Rad." That's very cool. But there are also a lot of younger folks where it means something different. There are folks who are politically active. They're looking for a comic who has a specific point of view. And that could be a lot of different types of people. For folks younger than us - I'm 36 - the community is very different. It's queer folks, and allies, and people who identify across many spectrums in a way that was very different when I was that age. And that's rad.

"I literally couldn't come out at school because I could get kicked out for being gay."

So I really think the thing I can do is tell my story, because the contributing factors that happened to me were that I was coming out on a Catholic college campus with no support. I literally couldn't come out at school because I could get kicked out for being gay. And I was falling in love with a woman for the first time, isolated, and really steeped in shame. I had no good information about my body and sexuality, like at all, because I didn't have proper sex ed. So when I think about who needs to continue this conversation, I think it's all of us. Going forward, I think the model of behavior should be just stepping into the light. Because more information is better. I'm not a transgender person, but I think my talking about it on stage allows someone else to take the torch and tell their story, especially in comedy.

PS: What's happening with Take My Wife?

CE: It's on Starz, it's on iTunes. It's really a testament to the fans, that it has popped up all those places. So thanks to all those folks who cared about it. Sometimes, I think, as queer folks, we want more content that accurately reflects our lives, and I will say that what I really encourage people to do is either spend your social capital by talking about the show online or spend your disposable income. When you invest that way in queer content, people notice that. It's actually the fans that are in charge.

PS: How do you live your Pride every day?

CE: I'm pretty invested in presentation to the world. I'm trying every day to continue to live more "me." I'm a Midwesterner, so Los Angeles was very overwhelming when I first moved out here. But I learned I'm not competing against Jennifer Lawrence for roles. I don't have to pretend to be something I'm not, because I'm going to get hired as me. And that has been a huge surprise and something that I hope others get to feel in whatever industry they are in. What I'm trying to do is be out in the world and look queer. If I want to wear a leather jacket, I'll wear a leather jacket, because my boss doesn't care, because I'm the boss. And [I] show that to folks when I tour around. We are still shamed for how we look. [There's] the idea that being gay and looking queer is a problem. It's totally fine to present yourself how you want to be presented.

PS: A lot of people suffer from being judged by their queer appearance. What kind of pushback have you gotten?

CE: Have I been called slurs on the street? Absolutely. I have short hair now, and I'll occasionally get sir'd, and for some reason, that's a trigger from childhood where I felt shame for being a different kind of girl and now a different kind of woman. I also think there's huge societal pressure just to present in a way that conforms to normative beauty standards. But I find that I actually get a ton of positive feedback. A lot of times, cisgender straight dudes ask me about hair products, and it makes me feel good. Again, I hope that young queer folks who feel alone and maybe live somewhere more isolated, I hope that they occasionally read some of the nice comments on my Instagram. Because there are people who are here for how I look; therefore, there are people here for how you look.

PS: What advice would you give young queer people, perhaps young queer comedians, about how to live their Pride?

CE: Stand-up is a really easy answer to this. Stand-up needs honesty. There's nothing else going on in stand-up besides the comic is on stage trying to be honest. And so if anybody gives you pushback about sharing who you are, because we do live in this time of identity politics, don't let anybody tell you you're too gay, too queer, too much. Same thing for women; same thing for people of color. Get out there. Be honest.

Comedian Cameron Esposito Is Ready to Share Her #MeToo Story published first on https://filmstreaminghdvf.tumblr.com/