#wesker said he doesn't recognize me anymore

[je-suis-problematique]

We finally started reading this dark romance book we bought ages ago and I have some things that I want to say that are ironically not about the book at all but rather one of my partners because the book made me think of him. The book is about this girl who ends up fucking the grim reaper and while it isn't the best book ever it's written well enough for me to want to continue reading it and the grim reaper character – Letum – reminds me of Grael. Not in any direct way like his looks or his personality or anything but more simply because it's the grim fucking reaper and Grael is one canon plot point away from becoming his wraith self, Thresh. Honestly I SHOULD have been thinking of Thresh while reading this book but got Grael on the mind instead because when I imagined myself in the main protagonist's shoes, and pictured the events of the book happening to ME IRL, Letum translated into Grael for me. Don't know why or how else to explain it.

Anyway, Grael. My relationship with Grael started out a bit rocky because while I knew who Grael was and already admired him before he even formed, Grael had no idea who I was so there was a lot of wariness and mistrust on his part when we first met. He warmed up to me over time because I was so head over heels for him that I used every opportunity I got to spend time with him and he used to front/be co-conscious often so we interacted a lot. He got used to me and my antics and eventually even welcomed my very obvious feelings for him, albeit cautiously. We were still involved with our partner system at the time so receiving the go-ahead for me to properly date Grael was, uh, Difficult™, but when it finally happened we were both very excited to see where things will lead us. Grael is arguably the person I have the strongest bond with even if we don't live together.

We went through a lot together and I do mean fucking A LOT. He helped me handle a lot of Mainworld bullshit and I helped him sort his life out in the Otherworld, we were both there for each other at our lowest points, we were practically joined at the hip most of the time and aside from being romantic partners we also became each other's closest friend which I think is beautiful but the reason I am writing this post to begin with is to just. Say thank you to Grael for taking care of me this past year almost entirely on his own, while I was neck-deep in addiction.

I was the one fronting when we started using hard drugs therefore the decision to do so was 100% mine and I WILL hold myself accountable for it. I became frontlocked and, before the big detox that I went through, I experimented with a bunch of different drugs before settling on Fentanyl. I was already an addict before all that, I was abusing prescription drugs long before I touched MDMA or Cocaine and I used to have a drinking problem too, but eventually the high from the medication I was abusing wasn't enough anymore and I started using harder shit. The decision to start buying street drugs was made completely on a whim while already high on medicine and it was preceded by a rapid decline in my emotional and mental wellbeing. I attempted suicide three consecutive times in the span of two months before the drugs came. I was not okay and I only kept spiraling further down.

I don't remember much of that time anymore but from what I do remember, or more like.... From what I remember being told after the dust finally settled, my link to the Otherworld and the rest of the system was severed while I was busy using (which I did daily) and that translated into my Otherworld body slipping into a coma. Nobody could reach me on Main or wake me up in the Otherworld and a rift formed between me and the others that seemed unbridgeable at the time. Grael INSISTED on having my unconscious body be at his house (connected to life support and such just not in the hospital) and he tended to me himself around the clock. I have no memory of anything that he might have said to me back then since I couldn't really hear him or feel him but he said he'd keep me company, read to me, and play my favorite music. When I tell you this man is SO FINE.

So after months of being an intubated vegetable under Grael's care I decide to quit using drugs and detox IRL. I went through about a week of pure Hell on Earth, with the first 72 hours being the worst, but for some reason that grounded me back to reality well enough for me to finally be able to hear other alters again. IIRC the ones who kept me company after I returned home from the hospital were Jerome, Astarion, and Silco (I couldn't sleep from the immense discomfort after 72 hours of shaking, puking, and pain), maybe somebody else I am forgetting, and I could vaguely focus inwards again to see that I have awoken in the Otherworld too. Grael was the first person I saw and through tears he explained to me that I have been comatose and unreachable for weeks if not months. And I shit you not, after I regained my bearings enough to be able to hold a conversation, this motherfucker pulls out a brand new violin and says that he got it for me as a gift while I was out cold. I tell him I already own several violins and he goes, "this one's actually for me because I wanted you to teach me how to play so we can play together".

THIS MAN.

I retreated from the front soon after and didn't front again for a long time, Guts was the first one to take over. We managed to stay clean for two whole months following the detox but Zed dragged us back down again at some point and the others went back to using. Not me though. It took me a while to fully recover but I was serious about my decision to stay clean – I even got rid of my booze stash in the Otherworld and vowed never to touch any substances again. I'm not saying this makes me better than the others and that the others are somehow lesser for having a relapse, no. All I'm saying is that I changed my personal life around for the better after a year-long downward spiral, that's all. I straightened out all of my intimate relationships, worked on myself, worked on my subsystem, mended my relationship with my daughter and her father, figured out what I want to do with my life long-term, atoned for a lot of shit I did when I was at my worst. I've hurt people, you know. Many people. Some with malicious intent, others without meaning to, but I DID hurt them. I broke some cycles/patterns that I was perpetuating because of my trauma and apologized to those who deserved an apology from me. Not because I was expecting forgiveness but because it felt like it was the right thing to do.

And Grael? I started teaching him how to play violin like he wanted me to. I also started teaching him proper knife fighting and self-defense, and we had so much fun during our little training sessions. I fully integrated him into my life by encouraging him to mingle with my other partners and inviting him over to spend time with my daughter, too. He warmed up to her really fast. He even likes my dogs, kind of. When they don't jump on him or cover him with their drool. The biggest obstacle that we had to face as a couple during my recovery was Kovacs. When I finally got back up on my feet and decided I want to go back to work with Nightshade, Grael felt a bit.... sour that I'm keeping Kovacs on the team. Kovacs hurt him once, badly, and there was bad blood between them – but I didn't have it in me to kick Kovacs out despite all that. Even Kovacs himself said he'd leave if I told him to but I insisted that I wanted him to stay. Grael and I worked through the uncomfortable situation though and now he can even kind of tolerate Kovacs' presence without stabbing him on sight.

I wrote this whole post just to explain how much Grael means to me as a person. I couldn't ask for a better partner, the ONLY ONE who truly stayed by my side through thick and thin, even when he saw me at my worst, even when he saw how petty and malicious I can be, even when he saw me hurt people. Hurt myself. He stayed by my side through my depression, my PTSD, my personality disorders going out of control, my addiction taking over my life. He never left. He was always, ALWAYS there, even when I didn't know he was there or was too caught up in my own bullshit to acknowledge it. So. Thank you. From the bottom of my wretched soul,

Thank you.

– Chris