#went out w my friends i hadnt talked to for months (bc of him) and was like 'omg u know whos missing? payton. we should give her pizza' and

[transmogrified-in-the-void]

Also huuuuge shout out to my friend who stopped my emotionally abusive and manipulative ex from showing up to my house with three friends (two I hadn't explained the situation to) months ago and, apparently, did it in such a way that it completely withered that pathetic man. Ily dude

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

aita for not inviting a friend of mine into my dnd campaign?

so i (18nb) have a friend (18nb, Martin) who i play in a main dnd campaign with with all our other friends (Ill name them Dan, Virgil, Mark, and Ray). Dan is our DM after we kicked out the old one bc she was horrible. We're a pretty close group of friends, but lately we've all been really busy with respective school & work, ect. so we didnt play dnd for a solid, like,, 4 months. I DMed a one shot for everyone besides Ray cause she was flaky anyway, and added in my boyfriend Zeke for it.

Everyone had a really fun time w it and I loved everyones characters, especially Dan's. I watch a lot of dnd shows, so i just keep getting more ideas- but while the one shot was fun it was messy as hell. Ive been wanting to write a campaign for a smaller group for a while, (because when i tried making a campaign with the whole group the character creations were... disappointing to say the least. this sounds mean but i created a fairy world that was very magical & told everyone to go crazy on character creation in a world with few/no humans, and like 5/6 people opted to be a human with a fighting class :/ )

ive been writing a campaign that im really proud of and have a good vision for, and decided to include Mark (because we're best friends) Zeke (because he wants to play dnd more and has no opportunities) Dan (bc he never gets to be a player) and then another close friend of mine outside the group named Gabe (who i love but never get to see) I love their characters & we're all super excited.

Thing is. I was briefly talking with Dan, Zeke and Mark about it at school bc I'd sent everyone a little intro message for the world and they were all super excited and wanted to talk to me about their classes. Virgil had no problem with this and was excitedly asking abt the world + characters along with some other friends from school, but Martin got quiet and went and sat by himself. I could tell they were off, but Martin is generally a quiet person anyway and is often sad + doesnt want to talk for like a hundred different reasons, so i left her alone. Later that day in a different class I have with Virgil he showed me his phone where Martin had sent him a message saying she was really disappointed & felt left out that i hadnt invited them to my campaign.

i instantly felt bad and started to text him, but,,,, to be honest, i dont think im at all responsible for this.

i have reasons for leaving Martin out, the main one being that they just..... arent a very active player. Hes soft spoken and doesnt actually like rping their characters- her character in our main campaign is/was literally mute bc they said they didnt want to have to speak as him. (theyve since taken this back and went through with a curse breaking thing to be able to speak, but her character,,, still doesnt talk much.) he writes really good, sad backstories but doesnt actually play or do anything with them and gets uncomfortable acting. Their characters are not only emotional, but like. crazy. they play a bunch of cool tieflings with insane magic classes & features and then, again,,,, dont roleplay them. I didnt want the group to be big and had a good reason for including everyone that i did, and our other friends that arent in it (Virgil, Ray who is Martins sister btw, all our other d&d interested friends at school) literally dont mind at all. i just wrote a campaign that theyre not in. Martin also has their feelings hurt very easily, so to be honest i just find her being sad about not being in it just... stupid. id never say that to his face & i get that he feels bad, but like....cmon.

im aware im a very very incredibly low empathy person- to be honest i struggle with depression and bpd very heavily and am often mean to my friends & loved ones without really processing why or how much it affects them. i told Virgil that i thought Martins reaction was stupid, and he said that that wasnt fair bc Martin had always been in my campaigns before (which is, yknow, one. Martin and I were even in a campaign with a completely different group a while back and Martin willingly left it very early because the group was loud & their character wasnt doing anything (yeah)). Every time Martins expressed (or i guess not expressed) sorrow for not being invited to it ive just sort of ignored them. this again isnt that uncommon cuz when shes sad he doesnt like to talk about it, and also they havent directly confronted me with this at all.

ive been talking about the campaign a lot because it occupies frankly a lot of my brain because i have so much to write, and i especially talk to the people that arent in it bc theres no risk of slipping up and telling them something they arent supposed to know. The other friend, Gabe, is friends with Zeke and Mark and I, and Dan is good around new people,, but Martins really quiet around people he doesnt know well, so if i invited her anyway they'd probably play the game even less than they already do.

again, im really bad at having an actual perspecitve on this. Virgil said he feels bad for Martin but not for himself, as far as i know Dan doesnt know about the situation, and i literally just dont wanna involve Mark and Zeke (Zeke HATES conflict and when people fight so he really doesnt have to be involved.) Mark Martin and I have all been really close friends since literally 7th grade and I guess Martin especially feels left out that I involved Mark and not them but Marks both really good at character creation and also talking in character, and like, hes my best friend who i do everything with.

I dont wanna blow off Martins emotions but but i truly dont give a shit that they feel betrayed by my not inviting him. especially because they havent bothered actually telling me this. objectively i dont think its my fault even a little, and Martin is really horrible at handling their emotions anyway (this isnt an insult, just a fact. i am too). aita for not inviting him + not caring that shes upset by it and acting like they arent?

sorry this is so long i really like providing context

What are these acronyms?

[unravelling-the-world]

heh.. got a... memory! quite recent (two weeks ago max tbh time is fake) anyways i was in vc with my homies from japan (three chilean including myself and 1 argentinian who lives in jpn) anyways we hadnt rly vc in a loong time, chi1 and arg always play w me bc they've been on the server for a while and we also send memes a lot, but chi2 wasnt in the server until recently. (idk why, but chi1 and chi2 are childhood friends and tbh we all thought that if chi1 didnt wanna includ him it was bc of smth so we didnt ask lmao) well anyways he got added now bc we all wanted to play genshin together (actually ch1 doesnt rly like genshin but he played bc he likes playing w us), it was fun lmao and i could go off on many tangents but this time's core memory is: i obviously had the voice changer on bc even though all of them know me irl and know my real voice ( *puke emoji* ) i feel super insecure without it now when im online lmao, and ch2 who i hadn't talked to in vc quite a while (and had never heard my fake voice) said like oooh dude ur voice 👀 and well even tho we dont interact much he's my friend so i told him ooo lmao its fake its a voice changer program glad its workin thooo and he was like ooo nice it sounds rly cool and honestly it felt great even though its my fake voice. it was the reverse experience of 2020 halloween lmaoo it was great :-) well then also he said that it isnt truly fake bc its still my voice and asked if id like to be on t someday and my voice would probably get deeper and i obv do lmao so i said yes and tbh ive lost all hope (due to current circumstances and not seeing an end to them) but he said like rly hopeful shit and tbh even though i cant truly agree or believe things will get better it felt good to have someone else believe in me. also that reminded me of how i told my other friend that even if i was allowed to go out again idk if i would bc i am probably extremely socially awkward now (even more lmao) and that i would probably feel very overwhelmed by the outside world and he was super supportive and he said like even if we went out he would even order nuggets for me bc he didnt want me to feel bad and wanted to be a source of support and tbh i nearly cried lmao i wouldve cried but i was in vc thats all that stopped me

anyways yeah i dont think we'll even get that chance but im thankful either way. in this case it rly is the thought that counts huh

honestly some months ago i just wanted this all to be over but now.... i dont know. i dont know if i can lead a normal life again. i hate myself and ive lost all hope of being able to change the things i hate. ive become even more shy and scared. if it truly ends, idk if ill make it. my social relationships already are strained. even if i went back, i think im going to be an stranger in a group of people who know each other well. i guess ill cherish my memories from 2017 and 2019 and tbh its fine. i already had a breakdown over this some months ago lol i think im fine now. ive had time to accept it and prepare for my inminent loneliness. even if i had the chance to go back to normal, i think its already too late for me.

unravel has always been one of my top songs and ive always related to it to some degree but as time passes i feel like i understand it more and more. tk really is good at trasmitting the feeling of the song but tbh now the lyrics hit fr, hits different oof

[gayberdnird]

FUCK okay so like. CW for suicide mention but like

Have you ever learned something about someone that like. Completely changes your view about them? Cus my mom told me about something that happened to her sister's ex husband which prompted. maybe the wildest response i ever heard (from someone i knew irl at least)

First off, my aunt was married to some guy, who divorced her shortly after the wedding and?? I think kicked her out of the house??? I was honestly surprised they got married in the first place, i remember learning she had dumped her last bf to get with this guy only to find out months later she was getting married to him. 

so like. The guy was apparently an asshole for divorcing her, i wouldnt know, this part is secondhand from my mother and the aunt lives states away so i just. Dont see her. Dont talk to her. Only thing that matters is he was the one that broke it off and it was completely surprising to everyone on my aunt’s side. he even kicked her out of the house which kinda sucks cus she had a house before meeting him that she left to move in w him but. yknow. shit happens. she signed a prenup.

But one day he called her up just. Sobbing. Sounding hysterical. My only guess to why his 'terrible ex wife' was the first person he called (after the cops) was bc he, like many unfortunate men, are not allowed to form emotional attachments to ppl other than their wives cus rah, men dont talk about feelings. Its fucked. I hope he gets therapy. More men need therapy.

ANYWAY. So this old man has a son whos grown enough to have three sons of his own. And the ex husband's son, lets call him greg, he had a friend who was in a mentally and emotionally abusive relationship with this woman. He's had a very rough life, and it didn't seem to be getting better. I really feel bad for this guy, for so many reasons.

I'm missing some details bc my mom was just confusing me so much with all the ppl she had to juggle discussing, but for some reason, this guy, Greg's friend, goes to Greg's house one day. He talks with greg, drinks some beers, and then goes to one of Greg's son's bedrooms.

He takes a shotgun to his head

Greg's (YOUNG) sons were at home!! One of them was in the next room!! He heard the shot, he discovered the body, he's (last i heard) going to therapy. the only lucky thing about him is his grandpa is rich because fuck. imagine having to deal with that without help

So Greg called his dad and the dad called my aunt (remember, his ex who he divorced bitterly) to cry to her about how horrified he is, the sight of it haunts him and his son and his grandsons, how are they going to clean all the mess, etc

And my aunt, being a little healthier than said ex in that she has more than one support system in place, calls her friend whos also my cousin's god mother.

(Ive only met her a handful of times, i have had absolutely no opinion of her as we never directly talked. In fact, I was surprised after a day of school by my mother as she. Drove me for like two hours to a funeral home for said godmother's late husband. I was wearing the most colorful and garish outfit at the time and had never seen a dead body before. And she hadnt even told me he died until the drive over. It was. Fucking surreal)

So after telling this story to said godmother, who probably knows exactly how bad the divorce was (and has DEALTH WITH DEATH BEFORE BEING A WIDOW AND ALL), the godmother went "See! This is his karma"

Like. WHAT

A man. Is dead. Kids are traumatized. At least five people are forever having to deal with this image and this knowledge and this experience for the rest of their lives, and you say?? Karma??? For a messy divorce??!?!??! What the FUCK????

[boy-porridge-vent]

April 9 2020 Twitter Thread Rant

the only time i deleted tweets was back in november bc you were mad at me for posting them so i was like "ok, you dont want them up? then i'll take them down just for u" then u freaked out that i was "deleteing tweets!!! trying to hide!!!" no, i just wanted you to shut up abt it most of the time we do it privately and dont interact with each other's venting!!! when you do it, you go public, use usernames, faces, direct names in order to claim youre "the good person for directly calling them out"  no youre putting them in danger. I'll only come here to vent or talk about my issues 

 Future TW// self harm ed suic*dal thoughts abuse idk, other stuff that is bad ig lmao This is my space to do with as I please

Even blocked my partner and best friends :) Happy now? Scum.

In fact, even just to make my abusive ex and my other cheating ex happy, I not only blocked them but blocked every from school I could find There. Now truly nobody knows me. Are you guys happy now? Forcing your victim to stay quiet & hide AGAIN? Like youve always done to me?????

Fake ass.... you claim to be my friend yet anything I tell you goes straight to my ex and drama starts again bc you pretend to be on my side hating her, then youre on her side against me Now youre taking screenshots from my friends and sending them to my ex... shady shit

call me a hypocrite yet youre being hypocritical on your story. I see haha

telling people to write in a diary instead of online, yet you've written how you feel online, you made 9-12 public posts for ~460 people to see, all with rants and venting about me, made 5 public stories about my friend and brought my name into it. When will you learn.

you say something like "you can talk shit and its ok, but when it do it, its not ok?" no, here's the problem. You do it in the wrong way. We actually keep it private and resolve our anger with friends that are also struggling bc of you and understand the situation

most of the time we do it privately and dont interact with each other's venting!!! when you do it, you go public, use usernames, faces, direct names in order to claim youre "the good person for directly calling them out"  no youre putting them in danger.

when my friend posted to his story about you, it was on his PRIVATE VENT account.... what it's supposed to be used for....? Venting about how he feels abt my other ex copying him, and you giving into my ex simply bc you both dislike me. It's childish. 

You and my ex go on public ramblings for everyone to see and use direct names or usernames as if people are gonna hunt us down? Ive never done that to you. I talk about you with my friends at school sure, but online? I NEVER shared your username. NEVER shared your name. Nothing.

The only info people could use to figure out who you were was me calling you a cheater, using the word "whore" because thats what you CALLED YOURSELF as we were breaking up!!!!! And talking about your pet that you only have because of me

You also say me and many of my friends are cowards for blocking you, bc if we werent blocking you you'd be "all up in our dm's" is that why you made a whole new twitter account dedicated to calling me a clown and immediately blocked me so I couldnt find it?? Okay "coward"

I blocked you bc you've admitted to people that you stalk my instagram, you stalk my twitter, yet when i block you to make you stop (bc ive had issues with stalking before) you get mad??? youre like "ok coward, if you had nothing to hide then why did block and private"

because 1.) i dont like stalkers and you know that 2.) i made everything private bc you were literally throwing a fit about how my months and months old rants were pUbLiC and anybody could see them, so I made it private so ppl dont read about you,

now now youre mad bc you cant go through my twitter anymore without following  and you cant find anymore of your sacred screenshots. again, i have nothing to hide. thats why i havent deleted my old tweets. bc I stand by what I say.

the only time i deleted tweets was back in november bc you were mad at me for posting them so i was like "ok, you dont want them up? then i'll take them down just for u" then u freaked out that i was "deleteing tweets!!! trying to hide!!!" no, i just wanted you to shut up abt it

the other time i deleted was march 31? bc you decided to use your NEW bf to get onto his old account (which hadnt been active since 2017....) and retweet a vent of mine. I was like "yea no im not gonna have you stalk my twitter through your bf thats ridiculous"

after he retweeted, you went on that posting spree on instagram about how all my stuff was public. So i deleted the tweet he retweeted just to make you happy. It's either leave them public and you shame me for public tweeting, delete them but ur mad that im being fake? or make my account private and now youre mad bc you cant search through my account of 4 years like the gross rat you are

it's funny how you can also post public tweets about me for your followers to see, and when I find out I didnt say shit to you, didnt start drama with you, i took my screenshots and left. then you deleted them..... i bet if someone called you out for it you would pretend you didnt say shit until someone pulled out the screenshots bc that's what you do, you act like you did nothing until somebody proves you wrong w the evidence, then u pretend like "ohh those tweets! Um yea, uh..."

wit yo fake ass you were all our friend, you were in the friend group bc we cared about you, until you dated me on and off over and over, tried to fuck one of our friends after prom, crushed on one of my friends and your coworker, bitched at me if i didnt invite you to hangout.. even if you ween invited, dated me again while also dating someone from discord while also being sneaky with one of your neighbor guys. Calling me a crybaby for being upset about the breakup even tho you vented about your military ex for months and months..... you even went to your online discord friend who was now your ex and told him how shitty my friends and I were for not inviting you to the Halloween party..... funny thing about that... you chose to opt out. You wanted to spend halloween with your new bf, the one in college, but guess what? He left your ass to go to his own party, so after that THEN you changed your mind and wanted to go to OUR party

OUR party, which had maxed out the guest limit. You said you didnt want to go, so you got removed and replaced with somebody else who COULD and WANTED to go. Tough luck. You leave the line at the BMV, you get sent to the back. Thats how it works.

Then u told your discord ex how shitty we all were & made us out to be shitheads bc we "didnt invite u" we did invite you. u chose not to go until it was too late. that was ur fault. not to mention u had been starting drama & being weirdly sexual w ppl in the group at the time

you wanted to fuck my friend after prom despite knowing he was crushing on a girl & wanted to make it work??? Wanted to suck my friend's dick in the back of the culinary room despite knowing he was with another girl? flirting w girls online despite having a partner? disgustang

even now, u JUST got w a new dude & youre already telling people abt the weird shit yall do. Ur sending him to spy on ppl from the friend group. Getting him involved even tho he's really chill & I have no problem w him??? I hated J bc he was w you, I dont wanna hate this guy too

like damn shawty u say im a hypocrite for not lettin u shit talk.... i do let u. Ive caught u saying shit on twitter & insta but Ive never made any posts abt it like u did. i saw what u said on twitter, or even our dms when u call me a crybaby? but i never posted about it like u

i couldve totally taken a screenshot of your immature dm of insults and no actual argument and posted it all over the place, but I didnt. I couldve posted your vents and rants from twitter, your main insta, and your vent insta all over the place, but I never did. Yet you can??

[we-will-all-be-stories]

weli have like three followers and like i dont actually expect anyone to see this i just want to rant and since i dont really have many friends i dont realy know who to tell. 

my mothers really pissing me off for reasons that honestly i shouldnt have to be dealing with. 

a few weeks ago my parents finally took me to a real psychiatrist, after 2 years of therapy and month in a mental hospital. it was set to be a three hour appointment for an official evaluation and diagnosis of my anxiety and depression and whatever the fuck else is wrong with me (which i dont understand since ive already been diagnosed by two prior therapists, the ER psych ward psychiatrist, and my psychiatrist at the mental hospital i was at, i dont see the need for anouther diagnosis of the same issues). okay, cool, whatever, obviously i’m panicking, not from the actual topic but just talking to someone in general (also my parents never leave the room b/c they think that i’ll just sit there and go non verbal, or as they believe, choose not to talk despite the fact that i have s.a.d. and was selectively mute growing up - i have non verbal episodes, it happens). well, essentially, i actually have no clue what happened in the room b/c after five minutes, the psychiatrist decided that i wasnt useful and i was too anxious to be productive and was sent out of the room. i sat in the waiting room for two hours continuosly calling and texting my mom to let me back on the room while i had a panic attack in the waiting room and slowly fell into a sensory overload from all the noises because the office is in a child pediatrics building and children are fucking loud. after two hours i’m left back into the room where the doctor tells me my diagnosis, my parents pay, and we leave.

i wasnt even present for my own evaluation. i get that he’s trained, but my parents no shit about how i feel, theres no way they can tell him. and furthermore, yeah, i’m anxious, but thats not the only thing i live with, yet its the only thing anyone will offer me help for. 

im used to being sent out of rooms. people dont have enough pacience and ust assume i can control this. i was sent out of the room during my 504 accomadation meeting at school too, you know, the “you’re child tried to kill themself, heres an extra day for classwork hope it helps” meeting. 

but heres the problem now. i have sensory issues to the point that putting on a pair of socks sends me into a panic b.c of the seams - a “bad touch” makes me break down crying - a flickering light burns my eyes - someone coughing feels like someone sceaming in my ear drums. and no matter what i tell my parentsm they dont understand how bad it is. 

apparently they mentioned it to the doctor, whose response was to get me an asd evaluation. okay, sure. its not like my old therapist hadnt been telling my mom to get my evaluated for asd and sesory proccessing dosorder, its not like my father works with psychiatrists who work with autistic kids everyday who has been telling my dad to get me evaluated. 

so finally my mom emailed my school counsler about the evaluation. she said that the school doesnt have the resources to do so. 

okay

i went to my moms office to print out my essay, and she had her email open to my section. (she organizes her email by topic, she has a group of emails under my name). im a bitch and decided to look at the emails. she emailed my school saying that she is “sure i dont have autsim” but that my doctor is making her ask about an evauation. 

the school wrote back saying that refuse to test me because that would require an iep rather than just a 504. the school psychiatrist essentially refuses to test students “simply for a diagnosis” and that my education and grades must be severely impacted by my issues. listen, no one gets a psych evaluation simply for a diagnosis. you literally cannot get the help you need w/out a diagnosis. mental health affects you in all aspects of your life, not just school. so many students cannot go to therapists or psychiatrists and rely on school resources. furthermore, my education is impacted by my issues - how can i get work done when the loud classroom make me want to scream? but the school and my parents dont know this, yet refuse to let me advocate for myself. 

no one wants to have a certain diagnosis, you need it to get help. my psychiatrist has said he is 99% i have asd, however he cannot give me a diagnosis, and my school refuses to test me because i’m “too good a student” and i’m slowly dying. 

also im not a good student. i have an e in math, a d in government, i failed engineering bc the class was so god damn loud and anxiety creating. my education is impaacted.

when it comes down to it, to be honest, so much of this has to do with the stigma regarding mental health in general, and especially regarding autism. people are so scared to have an autsitic kid - i’m 15 years old, if you can love me w/out the diagnosis, you can love me with it. i’m the same kid. My mother grew up with an autistic brother yet she still wouldnt want an autistic child. schools assume that an autistic student cant be functioning without special classes and a helper and a bunch of accomadations - some people need that, others don’t. it doesnt matter b/c everyone is entitled to the resources neccessary to thrive, and everyine should be treated fairly. 

im a kid who grew up non verbal, ive had social skills drilled into my head by therapists bc i apparently “didnt have them”. up until this year i had good grades, i flew under the radar and suffered, and when i finally reach out for help, everyone is refusing it because they think i’ve already gotten enough. 

[startledbirb]

How the fuck am I supposed to answer a question like that????

[mythoughtdumpanddiary]

I texted logesh yesterday saying that im changing my whatsapp pfp that we were matching. She said she was okay with it. After i changed it, she changed her profile pic to a selfie and her bio to “generic whatsapp bios? nah im probably binging netflix rn or staring at john or some girl so byebye”. She’s such a whore (disrespectfully), boasting about “staring at some girl” just one week after our break. i still hadnt changed our matching bio so i texted her saying that she changed hers, and she apologized and said that she shouldnt have assumed that i changed mine. She said she’ll change it back, but I didn’t want to anymore, ao i told her not to. She then texted me saying that she needed to talk to me about something in person. I could tell it was about what aruna had told her, about breaking up, so i said is ”is it about what aruna said? I agree anyways”. Yeah then she just talked about how we’re better as friends. She makes it sound like she’s friendzoning me when IM the one who doesn’t like her lmao and not the other way round. She’s so dumb. I know how her mind works, she’s trying to break up w me first simply to avoid being dumped by me. She is doing it as a way to seek control. I don’t care much anyways. I’ve lost feelings since months.

Anyways omg today i met this rlly nice guy. They needed manpower at the compass one outlet so two days ago, my manager asked in the city square timezone gc whether anyone could work there today, and i said i could. So today i went there. And there was alrd a guy there. And sunce it’s a rlly small outlet, rhere were significantly lesser customers than city square. So i was talking to the other guy like 98% of the time. He was so nice. Yk those kinda people who are funny but in a sarcastic subtle way?? Yeah he was like that. Whenever i was talking to him, i kept noticing i automatically kept smiling under my mask, and i felt like a fool because my eyes were probably showing me smiling 24/7 infront of him.

Anyways he was rlly nice. And i kept like making fun of little things he did. At the start, he was trying to tie a balloon and he instead got it stuck around his finger and the balloon broke, and i teased him abt not being able to tie a balloon. And then i offered to tie the balloons, but when i was tying them, they kept slipping away and blowing away so all the air would come out. And then he made fun of me for that, cause it happened like 2-3 times.

Then he made a human balloon figure and i made a animal shaped balloon. And previously he had told me that he had a cat, so i told him that the human was him and the animal was hit cat. Then i used a marker to write their names on the balloons. He then was doing some weird thing idk what it was but he was putting one of the human’s legs in the space between the animal’s head. It kinda reminded me of heterosexual copulation? So anyways then i took it from him and instead made the human sit on top of animal. Kinda like how humans sit on horses. Then he made a balloon sword and i put it beside the human. And he said “that looks very wrong”. And i said “how does that look wrong?? You literally were putting the human inside the cat”. Then he casually goes “so you _do_ have a dirty mind”. Needless to say i was extremely flustered and said “you were the one who did that 🙄”

Then we were just talking abt random things like movies, and etc.

Thennnn, at 4.55pm, he was about to leave and told me “haha im leaving in five minutes. Have fun being alone witj no customers” and i said “you’re leaving already??” And he said “yeah. You sound upset (he said this in a teasing mocking way)” and then i said “yeah, you’re fun to talk to”. Then he said “what, sorry i didnt hear you?” (Again in that teasing sarcastic voice yk that ppl use to make u repeat something u said even tho they heard u). And then i had to repeat it, simply bc he wanted to hear himself being complimented again 😭

This took me a whole ten minutes to type and it doesnt even type as exciting when i narrate it, but i swear, it felt so fun in first person.

And yk how sometimes ppl laugh silently behind their masks? He did that alot and it was so nice/cute. And yk how sometimes certain ppl are looking at u with a certain specific look in their eye and it makes u feel self conscious (but in w good way cause they’re not staring at u in a judgy way yk?) but u stare back anyway. So it’s like a lowkey staring competition except he simply wasnt looking away???? And then i had to keep look away

Yeah anyways that’s the end of today’s episode of “do i like him or am I simply over romanticizing every actuon bc of the attention i need from a man?” 😩

Bye 😝😝😝

[iheartleos]

hopefully it’s not weird to reply but i so get how you’re feeling about your crush, i quite literally have 2 ongoing crushes THAT ARE DATING EACHOTHER so that really fucks me up sometimes!

STFUU no its not weird to reply i like need someone to talk to about it tbh. i almost wish my crush’s bf was cute though bc...then maybe i’d understand why she’s with him. but he’s just mean and not cute and spent the entire night staring at my boobs....idk it just sucks. the other night her and i went to dinner and i kind of called her out on the fact that she was flirting with me after she had already started dating her bf and also omitted the fact that she was in a relationship and she like argued with me about how she hadnt started dating him when we first met ?? which then means that shes been lying everytime she says that theyve been dating for a month bc her and i met 2 weeks ago...anyways yeah shes just so fucking confusing and i hate it. the feelings i get with her are either big highs or big lows...and my self esteem is so low that i really think this will end awful even though her bf isnt cute at all or nice and has no redeeming qualities whatsoever like...im so gross i feel like i literally cant compete and idk how to flirt!!! so idk. my friends keep telling me to just tell her how i feel but i dont want to at all. also my friend ran into us at dinner and afterward he texted me and was like “i felt like i was third wheeling the entire time, she was just staring at u and saying stuff to try and make u laugh the entire time” all my friends think she likes me but I DONT KNOW its all so confusing if she likes me why doesnt she break up w him??? idk. anyways...yeah thats my incoherent rant.

[saintkimora]

well here is how my past 3-5 dates w joel have gone this past week

so! ive been spending the night w him p much every other night. so our 4th date was like 8 days ago. i got there and i THOUGHT we were gonna be in his room again but we were in his room for 2 seconds then he came in like “oh btw my roommates are making us go in the living room and be social” so i was like ..................................................rip i was like here i go its time for the caleb and leeann applebees date 2.0 :/ so we went in to the living room and it was with marissa and lindsey bc his other roommate was out. so everyone was like wtf are we gonna do so after some talking joel decided we would all watch the babadook on netflix since we were talking about the meme and most of us hadnt seen it. i hate scary movies but i figured i could get through it since i had joel to hold on to and since the babadook is like a meme now. so yeah it was fine i got along ok w the roommates and the movie wasnt that scary except for one part. there was one point where i felt like i was starting to shut down a little and i was feeling bad about possibly ruining things again but i asked joel afterwards and he didnt even notice lmao so i dont think it was as bad as i thought

lindsey went to bed halfway through the movie so it was just me joel and marissa by the end. after the movie marissa went into her room and joel and i went back to his room. idk if this next part happened at this point or if it happened on our next date bc its hard for me to keep the timeline straight since it all happens so fast lol so regardless of what day it was this was the next significant thing that happened w me and joel

so i was watching him play overwatch or something and his brother called him on the phone and they had a long conversation about joels financial situation while i was just sitting there lol. so afterwards joel put his head in my lap and explained all his problems to me about how hes so stressed out with money and stuff. and like obv i felt really bad for him bc that sucks. BUT i actually kinda liked it bc i liked how vulnerable and genuine he was being! it made me feel a lot closer to him. then we watched these olds 80s (?) game shows w his head still in my lap (one of them was like some knockoff of snatch game but w regular celebrities instead of drag queens omg) and he had the FUNNIEST commentary about all the old commercials and stuff lol i havent laughed that hard in a LONG time so it was really nice

and idk if this happened that night or the babadook night but i ate his ass again and once again it was a religious experience like his ass is SOOOOOOOO nice i still cant get over it lmao

so then fast forward to the next 2 days later and for whatever reason joel and i werent planning on meeting that night. but he texted me at like 2am telling me he was feeling kinda down about things and how he wished i was there w him rn so i decided to go visit him! and like he kept being like “i dont wanna bother you/i feel bad about always making you come all the way out here for me” and how he wasnt used to guys putting in so much effort and caring about him so much and like...it really wasnt that serious like it wasnt a hindrance to me at all bc i wanted to see him anyways lol but it did make me feel kinda bad for him bc like his old bfs must have been real flops for him to view me just doing decent bf things as like these grand gestures. i have more to say on this but it will be towards the end of the post

so yeah i showered and got there by like 3am. he set up his futon since it was bigger than his bed so we would have more room. and he talked to me about how stressed he was about money and medical school applications and how he felt kinda worthless so i listened to him and comforted him and all that stuff. then we watched the rpdr reunion together and it was SO much fun omg he was shook p much the whole time since it was so iconic. then we went to sleep since i had work in the morning

also like the night after that we were texting and i told him i was really tired and he was like but youre never tired and i was like ya but i had 2 full days of work and i barely got any sleep last night (which was bc i was awake w him until like 5am) and i realized afterwards that it was kinda mean of me to say it bc to me i was just explaining why i was tired but he was already feeling like a burden making me drive all the way there and comfort him so telling him how tired i was probably made him feel bad about asking me for comfort which is NOT how i want him to feel bc i want him to be able to request my help whenever he needs it. so i could tell he was kinda caught off guard by me saying it so i called him and apologized and we cleared it all up. anyways it was just nice to actually call him and discuss the issue and resolve it without any drama. and he said it meant a lot that i even called him to make sure he was feeling ok so it seems that at least i did something right 

there was the next date which was pretty much the same as usual. this time i watched him play diablo 3. but this time we also fooled around and he made me cum and then i was trying to make him cum but i fell asleep bc i was so tired asfnkjashdasna i felt SOOOOOOOOO bad when i woke up that morning :( i apologized and he said it was fine and he was tired too but i still felt bad about it

so then last night/this morning was our most recent date. when i got there a friend of him/his roommates named chris was using his room bc he was playing overwatch so i had to hang out w joel marissa and lindsey in the living room. it was extremely nerve wracking and i was sweating like crazy but i tried to hide my nervousness and socialize. lindsey and marissa seem to like me esp bc i brought joel a gift that day (hes like obsessed w friends and i saw a friends t shirt when i was shopping that day so i got it for him lol) also lindsey is iconic bc she is so wacky shes always getting on the floor and doing weird poses and moves and stunts. and marissa is p funny so i like them both. but still having to talk to them was stressful even though theyre both really nice. lindsey walked into joels room later that night when he was laying down and i was sitting on top of him and said she wanted to join and then later when joel was in the kitchen she came in the doorway and asked if i could be her boyfriend asfjkafndsjnkajs now THIS is a cracked queen

so the rest of the night was nice! we watched like 3 drag race s5 eps on amazon video and we did lots of cuddling and stuff as usual. then we went to bed and we woke up and we fooled around and we BOTH came this time. it was difficult for me trying to get him to cum but i had to power through it bc i had to redeem myself after last time. then i watched him play overwatch and then i watched him play destiny. i really enjoyed it! like i was sitting there cuddling a cute guy and watching him play videogames w both of us shirtless like that is literally all i want and i finally have it!

so yeah! its going really well w joel at the moment. we get along really well and i like his sense of humor and its nice having someone w similar interests to mine! and i love playing w his hair and touching his nice soft belly and his thick thighs and playing w his beard. and i looooooooooooooooooooovvvveeeeeee his voice so much omg the way he says certain words is so cute and hes always making cute weird noises and its super endearing. and i LOVE love love being able to cuddle w someone until we both fall asleep and then waking up together! its so nice 

he doesnt seem to be losing interest in me yet which is good. however this is the issue that i mentioned earlier that i would come back to. so hes constantly telling me about how hes not used to being w someone that puts in so much effort and treats him so well. so that got me thinking. like...obv he likes me at least a little but i have a feeling he might like me a lot more rn bc he isnt used to being treated so nicely. so like, after the initial novelty of being treated like this wears off im afraid he’ll realize he doesnt actually like me that much (like if it ends up being more of a he likes the way i make him feel more than he actually likes me as a person). so im kinda worried about that but im hoping it doesnt happen obv and that he continues to like me. and again. we’ve been in somewhat social situations together now since i had to talk to his 2 roommates but it really wasnt easy for me at all. and we still havent actually gone “out” and done something, like going out to eat or attending a function together or something. so i still have to wait and see how we’re able to interact in those situations before i can determine whether our relationship will work out. im also still too nervous to eat in front of him so whenever he asks if im hungry i lie and say no even though majority of the time i am actually really hungry :/ rip

so yeah thats p much it! its pretty nice atm, except for the issues i just mentioned. also last night joel told me that one of his hookup buddies was back in town the other day and texted him but he had to turn him down and tell him that he is with someone now (me) so that was nice to know! since he seems to view us as exclusive now. we still havent officially decided we are in a relationship but im really in no rush to do that since its only been like a week and a half so i want to continue getting to know him and stuff. i still do feel that he is gonna lose interest at some point but rn it seems that will be later rather than sooner so i am just trying to take it day by day. im also worried about greece since ill be gone for a month so it is very possible that he might meet someone else that he likes more during that time which would really suck. but im kinda just operating on the assumption that its what is gonna happen that way if it does happen i wont be too shocked and if it doesnt happen ill be pleasantly surprised

so yeah thats it, overall its going really well and im having a lot of fun with him! hopefully things continue on this path and we get even closer bc i really like him so far

[dreamsanddreams88]

I was at camp like ecos but different place, mostly diff people. Charlotte told me no one liked me & that they thought i was gross cuz i never washed my hands after the bathroom, woke up feeling so upset and stabbed in the back

Stuff was moving in my room, like by a poltergeist. Dodge one of the bookcases falling over. Run to bathroom, the lights wont come on properly, i scream for whoever to come at me, my reflection looks all evil then opens mouth to scream and wake up

At beach w sarah & tanner, smthn bout the porters dog archie. Was gonna watch him for them but he ran away and died. Then me & sarah ran out to beach at night but sand was already freezing. I was in the work truck near BC, on fire road and find huuuge bleeding heart flowers but its fruit like a giant apple. Take a half home for crafts, accidentally get some in my mouth, google it to find its an arsenic and poison

Something where the Wyntheins moved into our old church to live, and some mean dad or stepdad was making me and my mom sweep up this home destroyed by tornado? I asked why the wyntheins couldnt help, or johnny milano from cvcc. Then me & mom had to wear costumes so i was tryna put together a belle costume with the blue apron and books. Then i was in a weird anime, had to do a bunch of stuff to get to underworld without dying. Drive thru this land with huge pyramids facing away from me, they only faced towards the dead. Then go thru a tunnel blindly, then some other scary stuff. A tempting bike path was there, watched a couple bike over a bump and disappear, basically get sucked into underworld.

Got on this old timey ship for 3 month voyage, futuristic robot lady experimenting if old ships really still work. Whole crew was human, except captain lady and engineer and 1st mate were robots. Get to maelstrom and whole front of ship, with humans, gets sucked down. Robot lady did it on purpose, chases after me. Smthn bout my brain being taken out, and a nice Rick from rick & morty helping me

Being attacked by both cowboys n indians, was in wagon train with mom and Aragorn, i had a gun and hid under a wagon. Then i was in cali mountains with mom, at bouldering spot found tanner n new ecos ppl. Shelsey was with me. Then in shirtless group? Then at doctors but tons of ppl there, had to take off shirt

Alexs house was huge and many stories, mikey had girl over who took bae, then drove me thru the house in his car? Then at a school but on big ship that went down a river to seattle. Then in a car with that old man from crocker lake, he took us to a graveyard with cubbies for dead persons belongings to see his war buddy. Next to it was dog grave, with blankets and sad poem, i cried rly hard. Smthn with izzy, i was talking about jenn and some guy and he was upset. Or said they say weird shit to ppl on purpose to find out their "true feelings" or something? Felt bad i hadnt talked to him in forever, was hugging all on him at a bbq

At a cool thrift store, which turned into cispus and each crew had to do this team building race with inflatable canoes and james n brian left me behind at the end cuz i didn't have waders, i was so upset and james was just like *shrug* and then tinder girl keala was there?

In cabins/ at convention with these asian people i just met, was dating one of the guys. Hailey was there too and jazz, then brian eachus, then everrybdoy from hs. Scott renz, janelle,noah henze, trying to catch up with older people who didnt really remember me

At cispus but it was weirdly religious, couldnt go outside into forest without 'disaster book'? At lunch table with lots of friends n katie martins husband, asking what shes like now. Making fun of some fat guy with him, but stop cuz hes also fat. Feel bad that our table is so loud and unprofessional. Also in a van with young john travolta and he said the N word so i yelled at him

Was friends or old coworkers with cardi b, we all went to her opening of clothing store 2 support her. Clothes were like $5000, mostly female office clothes. Commented on her big butt, she implied she was bisexual? Sarah lived out on my balcony/deck

Living at parents old house, were gonna rent out the living room to ppl and wall it off. Matthew still there, tara n peeps wanted me to go to bar at noon on a weekday but i refused. Had no friends, tara surprised i still hadnt met anyone.