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sonicringnoise · 4 years ago

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Have a Jak 3 rant

Okay, I need to talk about Jak 3 and just...how absolutely janky the plot is.

This rant is extremely long, so I put it under the cut.

First of all, I just want to point out, I love this game. I love it so much, and it’s my favorite out of the trilogy. But it just...it could have been so much better, guh.

And I know that development of this game was rushed (hell, it only came out a year after Jak 2), but I’m still going to rant about it!

It starts out just fine, with the Wasteland and Spargus and the arena, but it gets so weird as it goes on. Just...really disjointed.

We never really find out why Jak keeps going after eco crystals. Seriously, he gets a dark eco crystal from the Dark Maker at the beginning of the game, a light eco crystal from Seem, and just...starts collecting them, for some reason? Like, was he going to make a necklace? Start a rock collection? It’s never explained.

But whatever, it turns out those are needed later in the game to save the world. Fine.

After some Spargus-y missions, we then go...to the Monk Temple. You know, the temple. That’s never been mentioned before, and we didn’t even know existed, but we just went up there to explore and stuff and...

Like, how hard would it have been to have a line where Seem says, “We monks live far to the north, in a temple in the mountains.”

Then we’d at least have a reason to go there. But no, instead we just show up there and start poking around.

This is one of my biggest issues with the game. In Jak 2, there are cutscenes that set up these missions, or even communications in gameplay that tell us where to go. In Jak 3, there’s just...a lot of that missing.

But, fine. Whatever, Jak has, like, ESPN or something.

At the volcano, Jak gets a dark power of invisibility, I guess. But only when he touches certain statues, and it’s only ever really used to get past a few traps and then never again.

Oddly enough, this was something that...made sense? I mean, invisibility is actually a power that dark eco has. Remember in Jak 2, there were metal heads who could turn invisible.

But it’s never used! And that complaint holds true for almost every power Jak gets. You basically use the powers when a prompt comes on screen to get through a one-time obstacle, and then never again.

Then we find out Veger is talking to the monks, but no one ever really expands on why? Or how? Like, for a city hidden in the Wasteland and forgotten, a lot of fucking people know it exists!

Speaking of which...

We meet Ashelin in the desert and she begs us to come back to Haven City. Jak asks her how she knows Damas and she answers, “It doesn’t matter now.”

Excuse me??

It totally does matter! If Ashelin knows Damas, it begs the question: does she know that Jak is his son? Does she know the Kid is his son? Does she even know about the Kid?

I mean, Ashelin would almost have to know that Jak is Damas’ son: during this scene, she gives him his seal back and says, “Don’t you remember who you are?”

Whatever. Add that to the list of things that are never mentioned again.

Jak says he’s not coming back to the city, because he’s an angry teenager and he likes hanging around with his Sand Dad.

This is immediately followed by Jak returning to Haven City.

We head to the Monk Temple, again for no reason. This time, we open up some doors and Pecker leads us back to the city.

There is no explanation as to why Jak has a change of heart. I actually think that the scene where Damas and Jak had a heart-to-heart and he mentions his lost son should be here: it leads perfectly into Jak deciding that the Greater Good is more important than his feelings.

Instead, we get nothing. Nada. Zilch. Just Jak heading back to Haven City because it’s The Thing To Do.

We reach Haven City after a boss battle and meet with Samos and Keira. Samos sucks, but that’s in character. Keira has no lines in this scene, and only makes goofy faces. Seriously, look:

That’s it, that’s the character.

Like, what’s happening in this scene? What’s going on with you, Keira? Are you okay? Are you making bedroom eyes at Jak? Are you confused? Did you smoke some of your father’s funny herbs again?

(Again, I know Keira’s role got cut down a lot because they changed voice actors, but it’s...so...jarring for a normally prominent character to suddenly get shoved into the background.)

We do some missions for Torn and eventually find out that Erol is the bad guy. Never explained how Erol survived slamming his Zoomer into dark eco and exploding in front of a huge crowd, but at this point, it’s whatever.

We continue on our journey: Tess is a furry, Samos is useless, Torn is...Torn.

We get a scene with Sig where Jak and Daxter ask him about Damas and his job as a spy and all that stuff. Fine, well and good, except the following exchange happens:

Jak: You’re playing with people’s lives!

Sig: Why not? They played with mine.

I’m sorry??

There’s a story there, and I’d like to know! What the hell happened to Sig? Why is nothing ever explained??!!

We get some Dadmas feelings, then we head over to have a chat with Kleiver. And this happens:

Jak: Kleiver, I need to find some very special Precursor artifacts, but I’m running out of time.

...Are you?? Has that been established?

So, in one of the previous missions, Samos mentions over the communicator (during gameplay, not in a cutscene) that to activate some ruins in Haven Forest, you’ll need some artifacts. But all he says is this:

Samos: Mar wrote that there was some ancient ruins to the west that were activated by five special artifacts and revealed wondrous truths. I'll see what I can find out.

That’s it! There’s never a cutscene where Samos says you need to find the Holo Cube, the Quantum Reflector, the Beam Generator, the Prism, and...by the way, there is no 5th artifact. Samos, you’re full of shit.

(Unless the Eco Sphere you get from Seem towards the end counts, but it’s very unclear.)

And, by the way, I had to Google those artifact names. The artifacts are never actually named until you acquired them in-game. Jak just finds random artifacts and is like, “Welp, this’ll do it! How convenient!”

Sigh.

Once we get all these artifacts no one told us about, we’re told to go take a cab down to the center of the earth. We don’t do that, and instead blow some shit up to visit our friends in person again.

(Quarantine mood, really.)

And, again, I can’t get over how much of a non-character Keira is. Seriously, she just stands there and claps like a 3-year-old.

And we also come to my own personal pet peeve: the scene where Ashelin strips Veger of his title.

I can’t with this shit.

The biggest issue I have with this game, from a story standpoint, is how quickly the inciting incident is resolved. Like, Jak being banished is the whole reason we have a Jak 3. The city turned against him; his anti-hero choices in Jak 2 led to him being blamed for the war in Jak 3. It made sense.

But Ashelin decides, 75% through the game, to just be like, “Naw, Veger, fuck you. Get out of my face, buh bye.”

It just pisses me off, because if Ashelin had that power, why didn’t she use it before Jak was banished??

And why is Jak okay with this? Why is Moody McAngerface not even a little annoyed that she didn’t care enough to do this when he was dying of heatstroke in the desert?

Uuuuuuggggghhhhh guys I don’t understand.

So we see Vin again, blow some more stuff up, fight Erol, and get some tentacle wings. Seem acts all nice to us and gives us a present we didn’t know we needed. More Dadmas ensues, we see the Dark Maker ship for some reason, blow even more stuff up.

Finally, it’s time to head to the catacombs. We get into some trouble with Dark Makers (even though there’s only, like, three of them), and Damas busts through the goddamn wall in a car.

No idea how he got here, considering the Wasteland appears to be an island, but whatever, it’s a badass scene.

Then, because Jak can’t have anything nice, they get hit and crash the car all over Damas’ legs.

Seriously, dude, I get that you might be dying from blood loss, but why are you coughing, your lungs are fine.

So Damas dies, Jak is his long-lost son, it’s very sad, and Veger you piece of shit.

I will forever be salty that Veger, who was an overall excellent villain, was sidelined for Erol of all people. Admittedly, Jak 2 did the same thing with Praxis, but Kor was a much better Big Bad than Erol.

Regardless, we then get the Worst Plot Twist Ever, when we find out the Precursors are ottsels.

Moving on from that tragedy, we then get to fight Erol. The fight sucks, it’s boring and I hate driving the stupid Wasteland buggies.

And then the end comes, and my blood pressure skyrockets. Somewhere, my PCP senses a disturbance.

The Precursors being ottsels is stupid, but Jak telling them to call him “Mar” is even stupider. First of all, Jak does not seem like the kind of person to get sentimental over his birth name. It’s weird, and I don’t like it.

Second of all, the ottsel leader calls him Mar once, directly after that. And then never again.

Seriously, 90 seconds after Jak says he wants to be known as Mar, this happens:

I’m sorry, what’s that?

Why would you add that line in about Jak wanting to be called by his birth name, and then ignore it a minute and half later??!!

It just infuriates me. There’s a lot of stuff in Jak 3 that does this: it’s touched on once, then it’s gone forever.

And let’s talk about Daxter’s wish. I actually find this particular decision - where Daxter chooses to wish for pants instead of being human again - totally believable.

Despite how much Daxter is regarded as the comic relief idiot of the duo, he’s actually shown to be pretty sharp. He’s definitely observant. And at this point, remember that he’s already seen the Precursors at work: he saw them turn Veger into an ottsel.

So Daxter probably realized that these guys were on some monkey paw, be-careful-what-you-wish-for bullshit and decided to wish for the most innocuous thing he could. Who knows what would happen if he actually asked to become human again? Might come out lookin’ like Samos.

And he’s right, by the way! Look at what those assholes did to my baby Tess. They could’ve just got her a size 6 pair of Levi’s and been like, “Here, boom, pants.”

But nooo, they turned her into an ottsel, too, because why not why the fuck not nothing matters ahhhhHHHHHHHHH

...

Anyway, like I said, Jak 3 is my favorite in the series. It had such potential. It’s like a puzzle that’s missing pieces. I like it more for what it could have been, rather than the absolute mess it actually is.

#jak and daxter #rant #jak 3 #i shouldn't be allowed to talk about video games #but it's just such bullshit

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irkimatsu · 4 years ago

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Okay, after way too much delay - it's my Eurovision 2021 Final Ranking! This took me a while for a lot of factors - took extra hours at work to make sure I could get time off this week, some recent family events... and most relevantly, the fact that this year is so damn good that no matter what, I knew someone was going to get ripped off by ending up somewhere in the bottom half. Just know that being toward the bottom of the list doesn't necessarily mean I dislike it, especially this year - it just means I like other things more. This year is going to be an absolute bloodbath. I am both excited and terrified.

Try not to take my ranking too seriously, by the way - I'm an American who unironically listens to stuff like Scooch and Dolly Style. I'm not exactly a seasoned music critic. I just know what sort of music makes the happiness center of my brain light up, what the hell is music theory

Ranking made with the sorter at http://esc.gerbear.com/sorter2021.htm, then slightly adjusted when it put some songs concerningly low on the list. Okay, so I cheated a little

Firstly, in the interest in completion - if Belarus didn't get disqualified, they'd be in the big fat 40 rank, with a big bold "Hate" right above. Fuck that song. I've only listened to it once and am so glad I have no obligation to acknowledge it any further. Those fucking lyrics. Mother of Christ. Fuck you guys.

I also offer my condolences to Armenia for their having to bow out this year. I'm sure whatever you guys sent, it couldn't have possibly been worse than "Chains On You".

Now, for the songs that actually matter:

Indifferent:

39 – Spain - “Voy a quedarme” by Blas Cantó: Welp, already I’m gonna get shot. I can’t remember how this song sounds at all. I know it’s tender and genuine and sweet and everything… I just… kinda don’t care. Nothing to say. I liked his entry last year even more, and even that was pretty damn dull. Just not destined to be a Blas Cantó fan, I guess!

38 - North Macedonia – “Here I Stand” by Vasil: I’m with most other rankings I’ve seen; what the hell is this? I at least kinda remember it, which is more than I can say for poor Spain, but oh my god it’s so boring. I really liked “You” last year! What the hell happened, Vasil?

37 – Albania - “Karma” by Anxhela Peristeri: Another “oops” from me, huh. It’s another one I immediately forget about the instant it ends. I at least don’t remember it boring the crap out of me, hence it placing higher than Spain and Macedonia, but I still can’t say anything nice about it – or anything at all, really – so I’ll leave it this low. I acknowledge that I’m in the minority, I won’t protest if it qualifies, but personally, it’s not my pick.

36 – Georgia – “You” by Tornike Kipiani: Give him points for passion, I suppose! At least I’m not laughing at him like I was last year. On the other hand, less ridiculous also means more boring. Points for earnestness, but this is just another song that goes right over my head.

35 – Portugal – “Love Is On My Side” by The Black Mamba: An English song from Portugal? That’s new. Too bad it hasn’t rescued the song from the darkest depths of Boring. I will confess that I spice it up a little by associating it with Homura from Osomatsu-san, thus rescuing it from the deepest pits of my ranking list… but it’s still stuck down here. Portugal and I have never gotten along well Eurovision-wise. I’ve come to accept that.

34 – Slovenia – “Amen” by Ana Soklič: I’m gonna call this a song that I respect more than I like. She’s got a great voice, I can’t deny that… but when I’m ranking this purely based on what I’d go out of my way to listen to, this one falls flat. I warned you at the beginning that I have no taste! I’m not normally into straightforward ballads, the religious connotations are lost on me… this isn’t the song for me.

33 – Austria – “Amen” by Vincent Bueno: Back to back “Amen”s! Tip for getting me to like your Eurovision entry, apparently, is “don’t call your song Amen”. It’s a ballad, earnest and trying but overall not my type of music. I’m running out of ways to say that. Breakup song, a tad bitter, we’ve all heard this sort of song so many times before. It doesn’t stand out, and I think it’d be a waste of a spot in the final.

At least, I thought this was a breakup song when I first wrote this, but apparently it’s about the death of a loved one…? I would say that makes me hate the bitterness, but… given how I’m handling a death in my own family right now… god, I don’t know. I just can’t handle this song, not at any time but especially not now. It doesn’t even provide catharsis like a song later on in the list. It stays this low regardless of its meaning, I just don’t like it, I’m sorry, moving on.

…” 'Cause it all feels like you didn't even try to save us, all this time wasted on a lie”… ugh, my personal problems…

32 – Switzerland – “Tout l'Univers” by Gjon’s Tears: Another one I respect more than I like, and another opinion I’m gonna get my ass beaten for, I’m sure. I respect the artistry, but this is so far removed from anything I’d ever listen to on purpose. It might have landed even lower if I wasn’t afraid of pissing people off. I’ll understand if it wins, but I’ll also be hoping for most anything else.

31 – Russia – “Russian Woman” by Manizha: I don’t get it. Sometimes it’s pleasant enough to listen to, but overall I don’t get it. It’s unique, I’ll give it that! I understand why it won its national final, and why so many people enjoy it! But for me, it doesn’t quite cross that line between “interesting” and “enjoyable”. I'm not Russian - this isn't for me, and it wasn't supposed to be. Though I will confess that there may be some bias at play here. God, I miss Little Big…

Okay:

30 – Estonia – “The Lucky One” by Uku Suviste: The voice is okay, the music is okay, I like how the bitterness is handled here more than in Austria’s… but this is still as high as I can go on this one. It’s serviceable, but this year has so much better to offer.

29 – Sweden – “Voices” by Tusse: Sweden really does like sending the same song over and over again, huh? I don’t hate it, but it does strike me as a lesser “Too Late For Love”, sound wise. Sweden almost never takes risks, and it’s causing me to look over them more and more with every year. I respect it too much to put it in the “Indifferent” category, but given how the rest of my ranking played out, this the best I can do for it. (But again, do not trust the opinions of someone who teethed on cheesy Europop and fondly remembers when Sweden was flooded with the stuff…)

28 – Belgium – “The Wrong Place” by Hooverphonic: Once again, Hooverphonic help Belgium fill the role of Eurovision’s “Most Likely To Appear In A Bond Movie” song. It’s fine. It’s a song! I don’t know what else to say about it! It does its job well enough, it’s just not really a job I care for that much.

27 – Ireland – “Maps” by Lesley Roy: It’s cute enough! A cute little radio tune. It’s no “Story Of My Life”, though. If “22” couldn’t qualify then this probably won’t, either, and I can’t say I’ll miss it all that much. Still pleasant enough when it comes up on the shuffle.

26 – Bulgaria – “Growing Up Is Getting Old” by Victoria: I admit it, this ranks as high as it does because of anime and that’s basically it. If I was still doing plain category sortings this would have landed straight in “Biased”. My favorite anime is about a bunch of 20-somethings learning that growing up sucks and trying as hard as possible to avoid it, and I first heard this song around the same time that I watched that show’s relatively melancholy season finale, so it ended up sticking with me on that note. Don’t have much to say about it musically, just that it makes me picture sextuplets crying and that’s one of my hobbies, so I’ll grant it an “Okay”. (It may also worth noting that if I heard this song before 2019, in the state my life was in before then it would have probably left me too inconsolable to listen to it more than once. Growing up is growing old indeed!

…it’s also worth noting that after I wrote this blurb, a major event happened that really enforced that growing up is getting old, so I listened to this quite a bit for a few days, among some other non-Eurovision songs. I’m probably gonna have an emotional breakdown on Thursday when this one starts. So, um, look out for that, guess. Between this one and Austria’s, I swear to god…)

25 – Italy – “Zitti e buoni” by Måneskin: I’ve been trying to get this one to rank higher, I really have, but its inability to crack the top 20 just says a lot about how damn good this year is. It sounds great, it’s very well done, and I wouldn’t hate to see it win! It’s earned its popularity. Everything holding it back in my own personal ranking is just that, personal – I do lose something when I can’t sing along or understand the lyrics, and there’s another rock song this year that I like way better. Still wishing you guys the best!

24 – Netherlands – “Birth Of A New Age” by Jeangu Macrooy: This song has a great style that I respect a lot. The message, the vibe – even if it’s not a culture I’m a part of, I feel and appreciate the hell out of it, and I really hope it does well. I don’t understand why so many people seem to think it’s not interesting! It may not be the sort of thing I’d go out of my way to listen to, but I’m glad it’s here. Catch me singing out “Yu no man broko mi” on Saturday! It’s been a while since I’ve given a shit about a host country’s entry, so I’m really glad for this one.

23 – Romania - “Amnesia” by Roxen: I’ll admit something else unpopular – I hated “Alcohol You” last year. Didn’t see what the big deal was at all. It sounded okay, I guess, but the lyrics were so pretentious and awful, and I’ve never liked the topic of “I love you even though you have no redeeming qualities whatsoever and you make me feel like shit”. But it seems like in that year, Roxen has discovered that self-love is important, actually, and it’s not worth it spending your time on some shitbag who consistently disappoints you. I appreciate it for that alone. Character growth! Plus, I feel the whole thing of “forgetting how to love yourself because everyone around you sucks”. It’s not the perfect song, not by a long shot, but it has a nice melody, and Roxen has a nice voice. It’s good to hear her using that voice on something I don’t find obnoxious.

22 – Norway – “Fallen Angel” by TIX: Okay, I’ll admit it, this is one where I watched the live video the first time I heard the song, and I was too busy laughing at his outfit to take the song seriously. Jesus Christ, dude, what the hell. Well, that’s Eurovision for you, and the more I listened to it, the more I admitted to myself that I’m a sucker for “I love you but letting you go for your own good, not sure what I ever offered you in the first place” type songs. Knowing the song is inspired by his own disability and self-loathing really twists that knife, to the point where I feel bad that I almost threw this at an anime character. I know I’m usually cold on songs that try to evoke emotions about the singer’s personal problems – Germany 2018, and this year’s Austrian entry – but this one really works for me. Only reason it’s in “Okay” tier is because of its competition – it’d rank way higher in a weaker year.

21 – France – “Voila” by Barbara Pravi: I like a good waltz, I guess! It’s a unique number, and the French language sounds nice, especially with the music. It’s yet another example of how this year is filled with so many interesting entries that I appreciate the hell out of. God bless this diverse year! (Or maybe everything just sounds so good to me because last year’s cancellation left me in withdrawal.) I expect a really nice performance for this one – this song isn’t one you can perform while just standing there, especially not during that speedup toward the end.

20 – Australia – “Technicolour” by Montaigne: That song that sounds like it’s about stripping if you don’t know that she’s saying cloaks. (Guilty as charged.) It’s catchy and fun, and I really love it when it first starts… but unfortunately, it does wear out its welcome toward the end of things. It’s a good party song, just a little repetitive. I still like it just fine, and wouldn’t mind seeing her in the final this year! Hope the performance is colorful and sparkly, it’d suit the song well

Like:

19 – Germany – “I Don’t Feel Hate” by Jendrik: I know stereotyping is bad but I was not remotely surprised to find out that Jendrik is gay. This song is pure gay sass, and god, I love every minute of it. I fully expect it to fall on its ass – this wouldn’t make it to the final if it wasn’t an automatic qualifier – but I’ll have a grand old time watching it! The sarcastic lyrics, the cheerful little ukulele, the middle finger costume… this song is a delight. Only thing that I think really brings it down is that weird spoken bit that interrupts the song. That’s so annoying, brings me right out of it. And I did purposely rank it below songs that aren’t complete shitposts. But thank you for your existence, Jendrik, your contribution to Eurovision is much appreciated.

18 – Israel – “Set Me Free” by Eden Alene: I said it this year and I’ll say it again this year, Eden Alene is a goddess of a woman. Absolutely gorgeous. Appreciation for pretty women aside, it’s a fun party song in a sea of fun party songs! I really do like it, I like her voice, but there’s so much else this year that drowns it out – not much stands out here compared to later entries on the list. Still a good song, though.

…and I do not expect for an instant that this is going to make it to the final. …my personal ranking is based on how the song sounds, okay? Just the song. Just the song. Nothing else. Just the song. Anyway…

17 – United Kingdom – “Embers” by James Newman: What’s this? A UK entry I don’t find bland as off-white paint? That doesn’t happen often! I didn’t like his entry last year, romantic ballad bla bla bla whee, but I’m always down for a good party song. It’s a little generic and radio friendly, sure, but that doesn’t mean it’s not fun as hell to sing along with!

16 – Greece – “Last Dance” by Stefania: I really liked last year’s “Supergirl”, but figured it didn’t have too much of a chance because it struck me as being a little too teen poppy to be taken entirely seriously. It seems like Greece thought so, too, because they’ve ramped it up with this year’s entry. They’re not playing around anymore, sending a grand, powerful song that, like “Embers”, is fun as hell to belt. This is another one I’m really looking forward to the live performance for – the music video is gorgeous, and I hope they capture that same majesty on stage!

15 – Moldova – “Sugar” by Natalia Gordienko: Oh, Moldova, I’m so glad you guys decided to be completely batshit again this year. I’ve missed your nonsense so much. Dancing ice cream cones. Cake men. This video is glorious. And the song goes well with the insanity! A catchy dance tune that can only be improved with downright insane staging. Please let the dancing ice cream cones be on stage, I’m begging you

14 – Latvia – “The Moon Is Rising” by Samanta Tina: A unique electronica number backed with a powerful as hell voice. I can see where all the wubbing would get on people’s nerves, but personally, I love it! I love the voice, I love the attitude, Samanta just oozes confidence, and if she doesn’t make it to the final it’s not gonna be because she didn’t give it her goddamn all.

13 – Poland – “The Ride” by RAFAL: Why is this one so unpopular? You people don’t know how to have fun. Yeah, yeah, last year’s “Empires” was a powerful song… but I like my club nonsense much more, so I’m favoring this one. Yet another song that gets me pumped – this whole Contest is gonna leave me with a smile on my face, there’s so much good party music

12 – Azerbaijan – “Mata Hari” by Efendi: Yeah, they’re basically just sending “Cleopatra” again, but “Cleopatra” was so goddamn good that I can’t even blame them for it. This song needed a chance to compete, and I’m glad it’s getting it again this year. I like it so much that I can even forgive the line about being a “godless”. Oh, Europop, don’t you ever change.

11 – Cyprus – “El Diablo” by Elena Tsagrinou: Huh, I didn’t know Cyprus had perfected their Lady Gaga cloning technology. Neat. More seriously, the early 2010’s club vibe of this song is exactly my jam, enough that I can forgive the “I’m in love with a horrible person” theme. (I think I forgive that theme a lot more from catchy party songs than heartfelt ballads I’m actually supposed to feel for.) Hell, I even like the creepy chanting! Sure, it’s a little cheesy, but cheese is always a good ingredient when used in moderation.

(How many songs are we going to get this year, not just in Eurovision, about wanting to fuck devils? I mean, not that I don’t get it… mmm, Akuma Ichimatsu… um. Anyway.)

10 – Czech Republic – “Omaga” by Benny Cristo: And here we enter the top ten of a strong year, where I’d love to see any of them win! Benny, what is with that title. Why. Ah well, like I said earlier, I do like moderate amounts of cheese, and this song is more than fun enough to have earned itself a ridiculous lyric or two. It’s unique, I’ll give it that! The song is just so bouncy and fun that I manage to ignore how pushy the singer is. Another one I expect big things from the staging for.

9 – Lithuania – “Discoteque” by The Roop: Ignoring the current events that surely inspired the song, I do love the more generic “party song for introverts” read on it – if only you knew how many one-person dance parties I’d had in my own house. This song speaks to me deeply. I can’t even begin to call it a joke song; I think it’s doing exactly what it set out to do, and it’s doing it oh so well. God, those synths. Totally okay with dancing alone!

8 – Iceland – “10 Years” by Daði og Gagnamagnið: I want Daði Freyr to adopt me. I don’t even care that he’s younger than me. He’s just such an earnest, fun guy, and I love his 8-bit aesthetic! And come on, he submitted a song about how much he loves his wife! If I ever stop loving this song it’s because my heart shriveled and died. Love isn’t dead, it’s just in chiptune now. I will throw things if this doesn’t make it into the final, do you all have no souls, this is too damn cute

7 – Serbia – “Loco Loco” by Hurricane: Another group I am so excited to see return, because I adored “Hasta La Vista”. I don’t know if I like this one quite as much, but it’s still catchy as hell! I love trying to sing along with it despite not knowing a word of Serbian.

6 – Croatia – “Tick-Tock” by Albina: Another catchy-ass club song! What more can I say? I love how much of this stuff we got this year. I will absolutely be screaming “Don’t go, don’t go, don’t go!” Oh god that was cheesy… I’ve been working on this ranking for too long. Don’t know what else to say about this one, just that I adore it. Just barely missed the top 5.

Love:

5 – Malta – “Je Me Casse” by Destiny: This girl’s got pipes– not surprised to hear she won the Junior contest before! I get major “Toy” vibes from this song, and you all know just how much I adored that one. Aaa, those horns! Expecting big things from you, Destiny! We may have our winner!

4 – San Marino – “Adrenalina” by Senhit – As much of a soft spot I had for last year’s “Freaky”, I don’t think it was gonna make it into the final, unless Senhit had the blessing of the same angels who were looking out for Serhat in 2019. This one, though? San Marino tasted the final two years ago and they are never giving it up again! This song goes hard! Love the song, love the video’s aesthetic, I even kinda like Flo Rida’s rap, even though I’m still baffled by the idea that I have been regularly listening to a song featuring Flo Rida on purpose. I don’t know what he’s doing here but I’m glad he is. Please, please make it to the final, San Marino! You clearly want the hell out of it this year! Favorite club song in a year of amazing club songs.

3 – Finland – “Dark Side” by Blind Channel: After spending about five seconds disappointed that Finland wouldn’t be sending Pandora this year, I gave this song a shot, and was not expecting what it gave me. I feel like an angsty middle schooler again, and it is bliss. This is everything Hatari wanted to be, but unlike Hatari who just confused me, I absolutely love the hell out of this song. …some of those lyrics, though. “27 Club, headshot, we don’t wanna grow up”? Yikes. But as dark and questionable as it might be, I can’t help but get pumped when I hear it. Definitely my favorite rock song of the year – sorry, Italy!

2 – Denmark – “Øve os på hinanden” by Fyr & Flamme: I love you, 1983. I don’t care how dated it is when my entire soul consists of a disco ball. The song’s so damn cute! This is the one member of my top 5 that I’m most terrified of losing – I know it’s not popular, with everyone calling it dated, but my top 5 always has that dated song that I love the hell out of becauseit sounds so classic. The translated lyrics are adorable, too. Even if you guys flame out in the semi, you’ll live on in the disco in my heart.

Favorite:

1 – Ukraine – “Shum” by Go_A: Holy fucking shit. There’s something about the blending of traditional and electronic that gets me hyped – see KEiiNO – and this one does not disappoint. The last minute of this is the best minute of Eurovision this year, and god, the buildup! I don’t even know Ukrainian but I am trying my damnedest to get the lyrics down, phonetically, at least. You know that “dancing goths” meme video? That’s me whenever this song comes on, especially during that speed up. Love the hell out of it. Could Ukraine be on its way to another victory already? I sure hope so, because this song fucking rules. Definitely checking out the rest of the discography someday, if all of their songs are in this folktronica style then they’ve gotta be a treat to listen to. Go Ukraine!

Ideal Qualifiers (favorite of each semi in bold):

Semi 1

Australia

Azerbaijan

Croatia

Cyprus

Israel

Lithuania

Malta

Norway

Romania

Ukraine Semi 2:

Czech Republic

Denmark

Finland

Greece

Iceland

Latvia

Moldova

Poland

San Marino

Serbia

This is definitely not what's going to happen - there is no universe where Switzerland and Sweden don't make it - but it'll be interesting to compare the reality to my hopes.

Let's go, Eurovision 2021

#irk blubbers about nothing #irk talks eurovision 2021

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blogmusicismydrugxo · 5 years ago

Photo

EVERYTHING WRONG WITH WARRIOR NUN (2020)

Welp, I know what you’re thinking now: Noon disappears for 2 months and then comes back just to bash on something that isn’t even a kdrama?? Well, I mean you are right. I haven’t had the time or will to write kdrama reviews in a couple of months, and I haven’t watched that many kdramas either recently. But then, pretty much just for shits and giggles, I watched this show and it spited me enough to want to write about it, so I’m just going along with it. I am in no way, shape or form a cinematographer, or writer, nor do I generally know much about film making, so take what I’m saying here with a grain of salt. These are just my observations and opinions, you are entitled to your own.

An important concept in fillm and tv is suspension of disbelief. While as a viewer, we are aware that the things on screen are not real, we pretend that the characters are real people who are experiencing those things. Therefore, a show must set up a framework that makes sense to the viewers, in which they can place all of the story. In general, that means that everything on screen must follow the rules of logic and common sense, unless the story explicitly diverts from that. A story about magic does not adhere to our common sense, but if the writers give us a set of rules to logically explain how magic works in this universe, we can suspend our disbelief. It’s important that the explanation is logical, and that the story does not break it’s own rules. This is one of the things Warrior Nun fails to do.

Warrior Nun breaks the rules of common logic on multiple occasions, in big ways and small, without offering the viewer an explanation that would help us accept this deviation from our world. Obvious SPOILER ALERT.

(Dead) bodies don’t work this way

- Ava has been paralysed for most of her life. We know she had her accident when she was 8, and that Sister Frances murdered her because she was about to “age out of the system”. We can then assume she is 17 or 18, which means she’s spent about 10 years being spoon fed and cared for. There is absolutely no way Ava just stands up and goes about her life when she receives the Halo. While the resurrection by the Halo and the apparent healing skills it gives her may account for the fact she seems to even have muscle mass left in her arms and legs, she hasn’t used any of those muscles for a decade. Have you ever seen those videos of people who were paralysed learning to do stuff again like walk or even hold objects? Other than losing the muscle they need to do those things, they also lost the motor skills to do them. Ava shouldn’t know how to walk, or even hold a spoon to feed herself, much less run or dance or fight (we’ll come back to the fighting later)

- TW // death and dead bodies: In one of the early episodes, a Tarask searches Shannon’s corpse because it’s looking for the Halo (that is now in Ava’s body). We can assume that at least 24h has passed since Shannon died, because the priest has already cleaned up her body and it’s night time again. The Tarask uses its claw to turn the body around and then slashes open Shannon’s back to check if she’s still bearing the Halo. There’s two things wrong here. First of all, Shannon’s body would not flop around the way it is shown in the show. Rigor mortis, or the stiffening of the limbs and other parts of a corpse, starts setting in a couple of hours after death and is complete after around 12 hours. If anything, her body should be behaving like a massive plank or brick, and not gently and delicately turn over with little force. Secondly, and I don’t know why I even have to say this but here we are, dead bodies don’t bleed. In a later shot, we see Shannon’s back is covered in blood where the monster cut her open, but how is that even logically possible when there is nothing pushing the blood through her body?

- Another illogical aspect of this show is Ava’s fighting. She can’t have spent more than a few days training with the nuns (she effortlessly finds JC and friends again, who act like she wasn’t gone for too long), so it’s ridiculous how she suddenly has the ability to fight monsters and demons and even other nuns. At some points she seems to not know what she’s doing at all (for example when she swings her sword at the Tarask attacking Lilith), and then mere days later she’s battling an angel/demon as if she’s on equal footing with him. Even if the Halo has given her muscles, it can’t have given her fighting skills because she constantly gets bested at the start of the season. The show has to make a choice: either she’s completely helpless and a klutz, which would endear her to the viewers more, or she’s a super skilled fighter, which would make more sense for the plot but also makes her less accessible and more Mary Sue-like.

OTHER SMALLER AND LARGER THINGS THAT BOTHERED ME:

- The internal monologue was soooo annoying. This stuff works well in books, but not in a show like this. Ava seems to be a pretty expressive person, but her inner monologue is so boring and monotonous. I get they wanted her to be snarky and sarcastic, but it just sounded like she was desinterested. Big nope

- Can this girl just stop running away for 2 minutes? It got pretty annoying after like the third time.

- The whole love storyline with JC was a big let down as well. I loved the awkward flirting at first, it totally made sense for Ava to be unsure and a bit stupid when this is the first guy she’s met after years in forced isolation. But then she suddenly kisses him in a cupboard while they’re hiding and they immediately have sex? Not only does that not really fit her character, it’s just unnecessary for the plot. Oh, and then the next episode they drop him and he’s never seen again even though Ava genuinely seemed to like him. Justice for JC, Netflix. He deserved better.

- The whole angel/demon in a wall plot for the last couple of episodes didn’t make much sense to me and, to be honest, by that point I didn’t have the motivation left to even try to understand it.

- The acting in general was stilted and unnatural. I can forgive Alba Baptista in some ways because she’s not a native English speaker (I assume), but the writing really didn’t help. I feel like the writers of the show thought their viewers were stupid and tried to explain every single detail in the show through characters’ dialogue. Big tip: if you want to have exposition, don’t do it through characters who supposedly already know the information and have no use for saying it explicitly.

- When did we decide Jilian Salvius was a good guy and not the bad guy? Made no sense at all. And I won’t even start about her son. Confusion all over.

SOME REDEEMING QUALITIES

While it was an absolute train wreck of a show, I did enjoy some aspects of it. Here’s a short list in no particular order.

- The setting. Absolutely loved the Andalusian background and the juxtaposition between the ancient architecture of Southern Spain and the Vatican with the high-tech lab.

- The whole catholicism thing was present but not overbearing. I am a pretty convinced anti-clerical atheist, but the religious aspects of the show didn’t bother me. The use of religious language was appropriate but not condescending.

- I loved the use of foreign languages in the show. Father Vincent is Spanish so of course he speaks Spanish with the Spanish art collector. The cardinal and mother superion naturally talk in Italian, Ava grew up in a Spanish orphanage so of course she learned some Spanish, Camila speaks English with Father Vincent because another nun is present but does throw in a couple of words in Spanish when that makes most sense. So often these type of shows force every character to speak in English even when it makes no sense. (One thing though: why is it Orfanato St. Michael’s? Why not San Miguel?)

- Beatrice. Just everything about her. Give me more.

#netflix #netflix original #warrior nuns #alba baptista

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polar-stars · 5 years ago

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Shigeo Eizan, Erina, Eizan Etsuya, Chigeo, Kimiko and Hayama for the character thing please?

Ohh, I didn’t think anyone would ask for my own characters but ;v; !!! Sure !

Shigeo

hotness level: get away from me | meh | neutral | theoretically hot but not my type | pretty hot | gorgeous! | 10/10 would bang [Honestly, I feel a bit weird over commenting on the looks of my OCs ahdhd but, I gotta admit Shigeo is much of my type...but I mean, apparently I’m not alone on that? dshdfjFGJ So many have complimented Shigeo’s appearance now and I’m screaming. Y’all are making his ego grow.]

hogwarts house: gryffindor | S L Y T H E R I N, Shigeo’s a full-fledged snake...what do u think? | ravenclaw | hufflepuff

best quality: I said it once already, but I would actually say his loyalty is his best quality. Now, the number of people that Shigeo is loyal to is extremely slim but...well, it is a very strong loyalty. It’s just, again, it’s only few who earn that loyalty.

worst quality: lol. I could name numerous things in that regard. But as I also said once already, I guess his most fatal flaw is that he swallows up his fears, his trauma and a lot of other things in himself and never works through it.

ship them with: ShigeChi >; Chieko had multiple ship-options at a certain point, but Shigeo’s only ship options always Chieko and welp ahdh The moment I started fleshing Shigeo out more, their dynamic grew more and more onto me and she also sneaked her way into his character-arc so.

brotp them with: There’s Moe & Kiyoko, who are really close friends of his and I really love their relationships. But I also gotta bring up Suzume here. Suzume’s and Shigeo’s relationship makes me so happy, despite it not being exactly friendly ahdhd. It’s a lot of fun to think of their banter and interactions to me. Also well, Umino & Yamada deserve their mention as well, so here they go ahdh.

needs to stay away from: Ai Kabutoyama. Pls, don’t ship them.

misc. thoughts: If “Shokugeki no Kimiko” was animated and had it’s own soundtrack, Shigeo deserves to be having a jazzy theme for himself.

Erina

hogwarts house: gryffindor | slytherin | ravenclaw | hufflepuff

best quality: I really love how much of a Boss Bitch Erina really is, she steps into a place and she owns it and she knows it. But at the same time, her social awkwardness and also obvious care for Hisako, the PSD later on etc. also make her a cutie at the same time.

worst quality: This is really more on Tsukuda’s part, but I do not like how she’s written in BLUE Arc at all, and how she honestly keeps pushing Soma away while he goes out of his way for her multiple times...

ship them with: Soma is my favorite choice for her

brotp them with: Hisako !!

needs to stay away from: HER DAD. AND ASAHI. AND HER MOM MAYBE- IDK, give her a better family.

misc. thoughts: Takumi said in his match against her that if she’d be on the Elite Council “She’d be the zero seat”. And honestly, I kinda found myself wishing for Tsukuda just having run with that instead. Just establish a new seat extra for Erina because she’s that good. It still sounds kinda dumb yes, but not as dumb as making her actual headmistress. With 16. What also bothers me about her being headmistress is that it’s a very busy job, I’d imagine....Let Erina be a normal teen, could you? She was already robbed off a childhood, geez.

Eizan

hogwarts house: gryffindor | slytherin [...duh] | ravenclaw | hufflepuff

best quality: Eizan is SO entertaining to me, you all have no idea. He’s so god-damn funny at times and I’m just ahdhd I love him. Meep, he’s intelligent and tactical and I like that in characters? I wish, we could have seen more of him being smart instead of having him being blinded more and more by rage and vengeance ;v;

worst quality: Lmao, do you want a list? His obsession for money? His unscrupulousness? His disregard of fucking...decency?? ahdh I could go on.

ship them with: //takes out megaphone// nENE KINOKUNI, LADIES AND GENTS. In my eyes, he legit seems to hold some sort-off respect for her and I hold the headcanon that Eizan is actually crushing on her a little ver since middle school. Come on, I do think it’s plausible that he’d find himself attracted to a person like Nene: She’s smart, she’s no pushover, she murders people with just a glance, her hair is green. One of the meanings attributed to the color green is actually...finances, profit, banks, moNEY-

brotp them with: The few interactions Eizan had with Somei legit cracked me up so...hdhd yeah, Somei. But also...Momo, being real. And of course, Isshiki & Kuga. Can’t forget them.

needs to stay away from: PSD, lol. I’d say Azami, but honestly Eizan seems to handle Azami fine? Azami just shows up at his work and is like: “What u doing owo?” and Eizan replies with “Are you bored or something????” like ahdhd WOW

misc. thoughts: Honestly...Is it plausible to assume that Eizan and Nene actually had a Shokugeki?...A Shokugeki which he won? I mean, somehow he had to earn that seat above her’s......right? (Would have been nice, if Tsukuda could have explained the new Elite 10 Ranking or show what got them there but nOPE)

Chieko

hogwarts house: gryffindor | slytherin | ravenclaw | hufflepuff

best quality: I do love Chieko for how feisty she can be. The girl will mouth off multiple times to one of the most dangerous people at her school and I think it’s neat.

worst quality: She does take longer to make her moves at times though, sometimes she’s just too careful and overthinking instead of stepping into battle.

ship them with: Shigeo Eizan. Both of them succeed mainly through intellect, booth in cooking and other areas of life. It’s kind off natural, that they’d get eventually interested in each other.

brotp them with: Yasu, Hideyoshi & Daisuke mainly, but the rest of PSD as well.

needs to stay away from: Shigeo, according to Yasu. I don’t know as of right now honestly ahdh

misc. thoughts: Funfact, but her wearing a hairband once she’s a 2nd Year is kinda inspired by Disney’s Cinderella haha

Kimiko

hogwarts house: gryffindor | slytherin | ravenclaw | hufflepuff

best quality: Kimiko is brave and also most definitely an actor!! And as someone, who’s neither of those, I always admire these qualities ahdh.

worst quality: Kimiko pretends that she can’t feel feelings like sadness for a good chunk of the story. She plasters a wide smile on her face, even if she’s really not okay and that’s not a good thing...I’m saying this from very strong personal experience.

ship them with: Hiroshi! It was a thing for me from the beginning on!

brotp them with: Mika and later on Kaori, mainly.

needs to stay away from: her brother, okay no ahdhd but well, the nasty part of her family she does not know too well to begin with I’d say

misc. thoughts: I’d LOVE to draw Kimiko more, you gotta believe me on that but her hair is super exhausting to draw ahdhd I love your twin tails Kimi, but they’re suffering.

Hayama

hogwarts house: gryffindor | slytherin(?) | ravenclaw | hufflepuff [I can also picture him win Ravenclaw]

best quality: I kind off love how he’s the straight man in every group of friends he’s in? Someone give the poor man a break ahdhd. But I also really love how determined and ambitious he is, it’s inspiring to see (Which is why I kind off hate, that his shown that he refused to go to BLUE, because he didn’t feel strong enough? Idk, I feel the Akira I met in the Autumn Election wouldn’t have passed out on such a chance)

worst quality: not.....Not a big fan of the Central!Hayama/Soma-Shokugeki being real. I did not really enjoy his performance during that ; 7 ; But that’s just how I personally feel ;v; I don’t really dislike the idea of him joining Central, I just think it could have been done better

ship them with: Hisako!

brotp them with: Alice and Ryo of course 😤!!

needs to stay away from: Azami, haha. (Also...Not into shipping him romantically with Jun. At all. It does kinda creep me out, ngl since I do see her as a sort-off mother-figure in his life...)

misc. thoughts: It’s kinda crime, how he basically triggered the bit of Character development Hisako had, yet they never truly interacted with each other again afterwards ever again?? Like...Why? Why would you do something like this?

HISAKO AND HAYAMA REMATCH, SOMEONE GIVE IT TO ME

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ravens-rambling · 6 years ago

Text

Simply Meant To Be

A/N: This is for Virgil’s bday sorry for it being slightly delayed. But I hope you enjoy it! I was really in an Analogical mood so idk take this cheesy will give you cavities fic I guess.

summary: Logan and Virgil had been together for four years now and today is Virgil’s birthday. Even though Virgil seems to have a curse placed on him on every one of his birthdays Logan is instant on proving him wrong. Does he accomplish his goal or is Virgil simply cursed that not even his beloved can break him out of?

WC: 3,122

ships: Romantic Analogical

warnings: Anxiety, Crying, Nervousness, Mention of abusive parents, Mention of anxiety attacks, Self-Deprecating thoughts (seriously Lo you’re starting to beat V on this), cursing, uuhhh I think that's it?

Tag List: @punsterterry @frostedlover @stormcrawler75 @mutechild @mycatshuman @panicattheeverywhere15 @thewinterbookqueen @riley-castillo

Today was a special day.

And Logan was nervous, very nervous indeed.

The reason?

Oh, nothing really why it was just Virgil’s birthday and he wanted to make it special.

But the reason why Logan was really nervous wasn’t just that. Why he wanted to show just how special Virgil met to him. He wanted to propose.

They had been dating for quite some time now, about four years to be precise. The reason why he hasn’t done it before as they both were content without marriage. They didn’t need rings on their fingers and papers to show how much in love they were.

But Logan thought it was about time he really showed Virgil just how much he loves him. And maybe it was to get Roman off their backs too. Either case Logan was very nervous, to say the least.

He had been planning this day for weeks now preparing every single thing for the day. He wanted this day to be perfect.

Virgil had told him before that he didn’t like celebrating his birthday, rather he liked celebrating it during Christmas since they were so close together. And he had said that his birthday was cursed. Every time he had tried to celebrate his birthday one mishap would happen after another, year after year, until finally he just didn’t celebrate it anymore.

Didn’t help that his parents and family didn’t care much about him.

Well, Logan was intent on changing that.

But when he woke up that morning and saw how much it snowed last night he had to wince and start worrying. But he didn’t panic not yet at least.

Slowly he got Virgil’s breakfast ready, making his favorite chocolate pancakes and bacon finishing it with his coffee knowing that he doesn’t fully wake up without his coffee. Setting them on a serving tray he glanced at the time, 11 pm, good everything’s going as he planned.

Softly he made his way to their shared bedroom knocking the door with his foot once to alert Virgil that he was coming in so he doesn’t spook him then with one hand he softly opened the door. He smiled when he saw Virgil asleep underneath all their blankets, he was buried underneath them, and as he came closer he saw there was a small smile on his lips.

He set the tray on the nightstand and leaned forward to kiss his nose then cheek.

“Virge… Wake up, sleepyhead. I made you breakfast.”

“Mhm…” His eyes blinked open as he looked around then up at Logan and smiled.

“Hey…”

“Hi, V. Good morning. And happy birthday.”

Virgil yawned loudly as he sat up then groaned at the mention of his birthday, “Oh yeah…thats right… My birthday..” Then he sighed, “My wonderful birthday…”

“Now now don’t think like that. I have everything planned for today I will make sure nothing happens this time alright?”

“Mhm… So you said last year…and the year before that… Do I have to remind you what happened last year?”

Logan winched at that. Okay, so last year definitely didn’t go down how he wanted. They had planned to go shopping and had stopped at Starbucks. Somebody passed by while they waited for their drinks and somehow spilled coffee on Logan. Then on the way back home his car stalled out.

“Well, I will make sure this year isn’t a repeat I promise you that love.”

“I don’t know why you try every year, L. Haven’t four times been enough to prove my birthdays cursed?”

Logan looked at him sternly, “No it hasn’t. I will never give up until you realize your birthday isn’t a curse. Now. Eat up I have something extra special planned for you later today.” He placed the tray on Virgil’s lap and kissed his cheek.

Virgil huffed, “Whatever you say. Don’t blame me if we’re stuck in the snow again.” But his eyes lit up when he saw the coffee making a beeline towards it he didn’t seem to even notice the other items on the tray.

“You’ll see I’ll change your mind my Stardust,” Logan said as he kissed his hair.

As the day passed by though Logan became slightly panicked.

It had continued to snow when he woke up and only got worse as the day went by. By the next few hours, it had already snowed a few more inches. And when he turned on the TV the news said it was gonna snow even more. Properly even become a blizzard by tonight. They had said just yesterday that it wasn’t going to snow today at all.

Today could be ruined once again if he doesn’t do something and fast.

But as he tried and think of something a news flash came on and his heart sank. The roads will be closed until future notice and to warn people to not drive unless absolutely necessary.

Oh no.

No no no no.

They were supposed to go to their favorite diner.

After that, they were supposed to go and watch Christmas lights.

And after that Logan was supposed to propose.

But now its ruined.

What is he gonna do now????

Virgil seemed to sense his internal struggle or maybe he had a flash of panic in his eye, either way, he placed a gentle hand on his shoulder.

“Lo? You okay?”

Logan’s breath hitched. What is he suppose to say? Oh, just peachy he may have fucked up yet another birthday for him right after he promised him he won’t. He may have just fucked up even his proposal. What great of a boyfriend he is.

“Hey Lo it’s okay. Can you look at me.”

Slowly he turned around and looked at him and oh god the look in Virgil’s eyes made his eyes water. He looked so gentle. So concerned… He doesn’t deserve this. He deserves a boyfriend who can properly plan a birthday.

“Sh, Love don’t cry what’s wrong? Are you okay?”

No, he shouldn’t cry. It’s Virgil’s birthday still he shouldn’t-

Welp, there it goes.

“I-I’m sorry… I wanted today…to be special…and I fucked it up… A-and I just-”

“No no Lo, it’s okay. You know I don’t care if we do anything. Here come here.”

He felt Virgil's hand in his and felt his legs move under him but none of that mattered. When he blinked again he found himself on top of Virgil on the couch a smiling Virgil below him.

“Hey, Logan it’s okay I promise you.” He felt a hand in his hair, “Honestly just being with you makes this one of my favorite birthdays. And hey at least this time we aren’t stuck in the snow we dodged that at least.”

Logan hiccuped and smiled a bit his arms curling around Virgil’s as he tried to breathe. He felt a tapping on his shoulder, a rhythm that he does for Virgil when he has his attacks, and he focused on that.

“I’m sorry I broke my promise… I’m sorry I couldn’t even plan this right… I’m sorry-”

There was a finger on his lips stopping his words in their tracks. Virgil looked at him with such a determined stare that he shrank a bit.

“Lo, stop apologizing I said it was okay. You know I don’t care if we do anything. When have you known me to ever insist that we do something big or fancy? Never. And honestly, as long as I’m with you I’m happy no matter what. So yeah sure other people may see this as a boring birthday but me? I see this as one of my best birthdays I’ve ever had cause I get to spend it with you. That’s all I ever want. That’s all I would wish for and I got it."

He smiled gently then continued, "Now please stop blaming yourself you didn’t break your promise nor did you fuck up today in any way. Cause I’m happy today isn’t that what you were trying to accomplish? Well, you succeeded. Today is already special to my eyes. And Lo?”

Virgil smiled even more at this, “I love you. You're the best boyfriend ever for even trying to do whatever you were gonna do for my birthday. I couldn’t have picked the best boyfriend in the entire world so thank you.”

Logan’s breath sucked in yet again. He didn’t even know what he should say to that. Is there anything logical to say to that? His mouth opened and closed like a fish gasping for breath in the open air as his brain tried to catch up and say something. But he wasn’t quick in time.

A kiss was placed on his cheek and he was pushed gently, “Now go get dressed to pajamas, nerd. I say this is a day we binge watch movies what about you?”

Logan could only nod a blush forming on his cheeks. Why couldn’t he talk???

But he managed to get up but as he made his way to the hallway he heard laughter from behind him and only blushed more.

He really has the perfect boyfriend, doesn’t he? Hopefully after tonight that boyfriend will be his fiance.

But should he propose now? Everywhere he read up people normally propose in grand places. He was certain their house was not some grand place. But then that means he has to wait? However, he wanted to do it today… Could he wait until Christmas? No that won’t be right. That doesn’t feel right…

After he changed he looked down to the small purple box that he pulled out of its hiding spot and gulped. Nothing else felt right expect to do it tonight.

Especially after Virgil’s speech, nothing else felt right to Logan. He knew Virgil was in his heart already this was just to make it permit right? But what if he does it wrong? What if Virgil would say no? What if-

No. No, he can’t think like this. No today is when he was planning on doing this today is when it’s gonna happen. Something right was going to happen today.

So with a determined sigh, he grabbed the small box and put it in his unicorn onesie pocket and made his way outside. When he got there he stopped at seeing Virgil. He was in his Stitch onesie already properly had it in the laundry or something and was already ready.

But there was something about him right at that moment. He wasn’t sure how to describe it but it sent a certain pain through his heart. It made his ribs hurt.

Gulping he tried to smile a bit as he made his way over Virgil smiling as he saw him and opened his arms for cuddles. Not like Logan will turn that down.

He looked to the screen to see that even The Nightmare before Christmas was already set up to play, the menu music playing softly. Logan looked up to Virgil questionally and he shrugged, “What, I want to watch it. And it’s in season alright?”

Logan sighed and chuckled he leaned forward and kissed the edge of Virgil’s lips, “Whatever you want Love. It’s your birthday after all.”

This, in turn, made Virgil blush heavily and he turned his head away, “Well…whatever. Let’s just start the movie.”

Logan giggled as Virgil huffed and pressed play.

The entire movie Logan was nervous and anxious. His hand went to his pocket as he absentmindedly played with the box. Twiddling it with his fingers and rubbing it against the material. He swallowed thickly. When should he do it? He wasn’t planning on this. He had absolutely no clue. At least in his plan, he was gonna do it after they saw all the lights and ended it where a gigantic Christmas tree was and do it there. But there was no cue here. There was no end in sight.

Before he knew it the movie was nearing its own end. Snow was dropping on Halloween town as Jack waved to Santa Claus. He swallowed thickly again and closed his eyes. Maybe he should do it now. Now seems okay right?

As Sally made her way up the grey hill he cleared his throat and huddled his face into his onesie.

“Um… Verge…? There is something… I have to tell you…”

“Mhm? What is it, love? You okay?”

Logan couldn’t look at Virgil but oh god his concern in his voice nearly made him turn. But no he couldn’t if he did he feared he may lose his nerve.

He swallowed again even more thickly this time, “You complete me, Verge... I couldn’t hope for a better boyfriend… We fit like um... Two peas in a pod. There’s a more scientific saying to that but I heard Roman saying that and thought you might like it but shit I’m rambling.”

He took a breath and started again, “I love you, Virgil. For the past four years, I’ve never been happier, all my life before that I thought I would never fall in love. I thought love was stupid and illogical and didn’t make sense. But that day I meet you on that rainy day I knew my heart belonged to you. I knew that I was yours from that day forward. And even though I tried to deny it and push away those feelings for I thought you didn’t like me back."

He paused to take a breath, "But when you told me you liked me I was so happy. I was so happy that I cried in bed that night. I was so overwhelmed with emotions for you I couldn’t place any of them down. But you helped me through them. You helped me in ways nobody else could. And I helped you through so much. We both have changed for the better for each other and slowly ourselves. And um… What I’m trying to say is-”

“Lo?” A finger was below his chin gently pushing his head towards the other before he could even bring out the ring. The look on Virgil’s face made him smile fondly.

“Yes. I will marry you.”

“O-Oh… G-Good… I um…” With shaky hands, he finally brought out the ring his throat deciding that moment to close up.

Virgil’s eyes turned misty as Logan shakily put the ring on his finger. As soon as he did he had arms wrapped around him and lips pressed against his in a seared kiss. A squeak came from Logan as their lips met.

They stayed like that for a few moments Jack and Sally kissing on screen as Zero flew up and to the moon. They only broke apart as the credit music started playing them both breathing in for air.

“Logan… I love you so much.” Virgil rested his head under Logan's chin smothering himself into Logan as much as possible.

Logan closed his eyes and smiled deeply holding his beloved close to him, “I love you too, V.”

They stayed like that in silence for a moment them both drinking in each other love until finally, Virgil broke it.

“Logan I really do love you but I have to ask you something.”

“What is it?”

“Roman wrote you that speech didn’t he?”

Logan’s face turned a bright red and his hand tightened up around Virgil’s. He chuckled and suddenly the table looked quite interesting.

“I don’t know what you're talking about.”

“That was too sappy even for you even you have to admit that. Roman helped you didn’t he?”

Logan sighed, no point in lying, “Okay fine yes he did. But I really meant every word and-”

He was cut off again by a kiss to his chin, “I know you did my Stardust I know you did. I wanted to make fun of you is all. You know you didn’t have to do all that for me right?”

“I know… But-”

“You wanted it to be perfect I get it, Logan. Cause actually…”

Virgil slowly got up from their entangled pile of limbs and blankets smiling as he made his way to their hallway and Logan assumed their shared bedroom? What could Virgil had possibly meant?

But when he returned he had a beaming smile and something in his hand. With a plop, he sat back down on Logan and presented a small dark blue box.

When he opened it Logan gasped. It was beautiful, it was dark blue with bits of light blue stripes in it. It had small white dots all around it and Logan recognized those dots. They were constellations. And as Logan looked closer he could see in fine print their names in the middle of the constellations meaning love. It was simple but breathtaking in Logan's eyes.

“I wanted to propose on Christmas. Looks like you beat me to it. I asked Patton to help me with the speech and where I should do it. Thank you for saving me the trouble cause gods is that too much pressure on me.”

Logan’s breath broke as his eyes watered. He brought up a shaky hand as Virgil put on the ring.

“B-But I thought-”

“Yes the diamond industry is highly unethical but I thought it was about time we showed the world how much we truly love each other don't ya think?”

All Logan could do was nod as he hugged Virgil he placed so many kisses all throughout Virgil’s face and neck making Virgil almost explode from laughter.

But once Logan was done showing his love he distantly noticed the music had stopped playing. It was back to the menu.

They sat in peace them holding each other, they held in each other's love, not wanting anything to break their peace. They watched as the snow fall outside content with each other's love and care for each other.

Until Logan broke that silence with a simple mumble into Virgil’s hair. “I love you so much my birthday boy.”

“I love you too my precious nerd.”

And with that, they kissed knowing that from this point on nothing will stop them. They will be together forever now, their hearts intertwined until they die which even then they will be together in the afterlife they knew for certain now. And sure this wasn’t what was planned but Logan was happy it turned out like this. He won’t want it any better.

“And Lo?”

“What is it?”

“Thank you for all of this. This is the best birthday ever.”

“I’m glad to hear that my Star. And V?”

“Mhm?”

“Happy Birthday.”

"Yes, I think for once I did have a happy birthday. Thank you for showing me my birthday isn't cursed, my love."

"Of course, it was my pleasure."

#logan sanders #logan #virgil sanders #virgil #human au #sanders sides human au #sanders sides #sanders sides fanfic #patton sanders #patton #roman sanders #roman #romantic analogical #analogical #sanders sides fic #sanders sides au #my fics #thomas sanders

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svelte-wip · 6 years ago

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chapter 1

If there was one thing I could change about myself, it was my terrible, terrible habit of falling in love. It was a curse; I fell in love so often I couldn’t even count all the occasions over the years. And I was only seventeen, to boot. But that wasn’t so bad, not really. It was certainly exciting. No, the curse was that none of them, not one, had ever been interested in me back. I was too weird, too boring, too loud, too quiet, too excitable, too smart, too oblivious...the list went on and on.

I always looked forward to Thursdays though. Why? Because our schedules lined up and I could talk to my current crush. He was dreamy: inky black hair, bright green eyes with freckles splattered across his nose. Lithe, quiet and smart, he was sweet and cute and seemed to find me endearing. I was happy that he even acknowledged me, considering it to be a sign. Surely, if he gave me the time of day, there was a chance. That he liked me well enough, that, over time, it could blossom into something more.

Nodding to myself, I pushed the door open to my history class. All I wanted was to talk to him and have everything go smoothly. Hang out, laugh, chill, and be ready to get through the rest of the week until I could see him again.

Sitting my bag down, I smiled at him sweetly.

“Hey, whazzup?” He nodded.

“Not much. You?” I replied.

He shrugged, and turned back to his friend. A little hurt, I brushed it off and pulled out my thick textbook. Maybe I had just interrupted him.

“So yeah, my girlfriend was pretty irritated at me.” He said with a weak laugh.

...Oh.

The feeling left my hands as my heart stopped. My book clattered to the table, and I mumbled an “oops” as I hurriedly caught it from falling off the table.

“You okay, Kamila?” Jenny asked.

Her bright eyes watched me with worry. I smiled at her, my throat so tight I was surprised I could get the words out. They still sounded choked, like I had tried to swallow a tissue and was trying to speak around it. It felt like I had, like my mouth was full of cotton. “Yeah. I’m okay.”

Ethan glanced at me curiously as I sat down, but otherwise paid me no mind.

My heart was stinging as I thumbed through my homework.

No. No no no no, this couldn’t be happening. Surely I must have heard him wrong.

The idea of him kissing another girl, grinning from ear to ear when she texted him, hugging her tight, made my eyes burn and heart constrict.

I swallowed hard and thumbed through my book, ignoring the looks she shot me. This wasn’t how I wanted my day to go. This wasn’t what I had been looking forward to.

Why me? Why not me?

“Ah, you have a girlfriend? Since when?” Noah asked with surprise.

“Since, eh, last Thursday? I asked her out after classes.” Ethan shrugged. “You might know her.”

He mentioned her name, but I wasn’t fully comprehending. My mind was buzzing and yet empty at the same time. The name echoed in my mind, and I conjured up her face.

I knew her. We had a class together. She was cute and quiet and bubbly and brilliant. Pretty, curly hair, petite and stylish. Good at speaking, holding a conversation and talented at everything she touched.

The exact opposite of everything I was and was everything I expected him to look for.

Miserable, I listened in utter silence to the lecture. I didn’t feel like saying anything or answering any of the questions. What was even the point? I was only taking this class because he was in it. I didn’t need any history credits.

I just wanted to go home and bury myself under the covers.

Why did this always happen to me?

---------

Walking down the hallway to the last and final class, I barely noticed when my heavy bag caught someone’s arm, making them jerk in surprise and annoyance.

“Sorry.” I mumbled, briefly looking up.

His irritation fading, Xavier shrugged, pausing for a moment. “You okay?”

The image of him walking with his own girl down the hall made me clam up to anything I would have spilled to him normally. “Yeah. S’all good.”

I felt like throwing up. All the guys I had ever liked I ended up watching them get their own girlfriends. If not, they blatantly turned me down in front of a lot of people. One had even turned me down because someone told him to.

I didn’t want to mess with boys anymore. It just never worked out in my favor and I wanted to give up. I had the worst luck and I was learning to accept that I just shouldn’t even try anymore. There simply wasn’t any point.

Walking up the stairs to the main foyer, I barely noticed when someone fell into step with me. “I went to a concert yesterday and it was lit.” A familiar, deep voice said.

He hadn’t left. Probably because he was too brash to notice when I didn’t want him around. I tightened my grip on my bag handle, annoyed that I was feeling better already. “Oh?”

“Yeah, and I actually got you something.”

I looked up in disbelief. “You what? You didn’t have to.”

“Yeah, I know. I wanted to though.” Xavier dug out something from his bag and handed it to me.

I paused on the landing, and he turned to watch me. The material was soft in my fingers as I held it up.

“It should fit you, it’s too tight on me but you’re a lot smaller than me.” Xavier watched me with concern.

The words Fighter written in bold font suddenly brought tears to my eyes. The sincerity of the gift coupled with the timing made me hide my face in the shirt as I desperately tried to get my act together.

“Kamila? Are you okay? Do you not like it?” He stepped closer to me.

My first friend, the one who had given me courage to actually come back and get out of bed in the morning, gently nudged my shoulder. His hand was warm through my shirt, a comforting gesture that made me hiccup.

“I love it. Thank you.” I lowered the shirt, suddenly unafraid to show him that my mascara was probably running and the tears glittering in my eyes. “I’m sure I’ll wear this shirt until all the seams come out and the ink fades.” I smiled at him, carefully folding the shirt and tucking it into my bag.

He placed a hand over his heart. “I’m touched. I’m glad you like it. Do you have to cry about it though?”

“Today has just been rough. You have good timing.” I started up the next flight of stairs.

He easily caught up with me, his long legs covering twice as much ground as mine could. “How so?”

I let out a shuddery sigh. “Y’know, it’s just unpleasant to learn your crush just got somebody, and if you had been just slightly quicker, slightly more, the story would be different, but also knowing that you aren’t enough and won’t ever be what they want.”

Xavier hummed thoughtfully. “Deep. But hey, you can’t fight fate.”

“Yeah. I know.”

He slung an arm over my shoulder, and the weight was comforting. “I’ll message you some sad songs on Spotify and you can wallow in your misery for the week.”

I laughed. “Thanks, Xavier.”

He grinned at me, that beautiful, slightly lopsided grin that made his dark eyes crinkle. “Sure thing. Hey, I’m sure you’ll find someone. Knowing you, they’ll probably crash into you on some crowded street and you’ll both hit the concrete and instantly fall in love or some such shit.”

I had to laugh. “That’s ridiculous and I hope it happens that way.”

He winked, his arm sliding off my shoulder as he lifted an earbud to his ear. “Let me know how your week goes.”

“Of course.” I replied.

I glanced up at him, my heart aching. I had loved him once, before it had come rudely crashing down around me.

“Hey, text me if you need anything. I’m always down to facetime, okay? Never too busy for a friend.”

Ouch.

“Sure. Of course. See you next week.” We parted ways at the main entrance, and I turned to my phone to check notifications.

Another unrequited love that I had buried in the name of friendship. Honestly, why did my heart have to be so soft? So easily attracted and broken?

Something brushed against my arm. Ethan walked by, not even taking notice of me. That was normal for him. He was often in his own little world.

I envied him. It was hard to get hurt when you had your own little bubble.

---------

Running my fingers through my hair, I texted my best friend to say I was leaving school and asked if we could call that evening. She lived halfway around the world, and it was sometimes hard to hangout for more than a moment. I left the building, my feet somehow finding where I had parked that morning. Everything felt robotic and empty as I climbed into the driver’s seat, buckled my seatbelt and put it into gear.

“Things are fine. They will be fine. You’ll crash into someone.” I whispered to myself as I cranked the music louder.

---------

“He doesn’t!!!” Maria gasped dramatically when I told her what had gone down that day.

“Yeah, he does.” I traced my finger along the soft fabric of the new shirt. “Boys are losers, you need another dog.” She advised.

I smiled. “You right.”

I told her about the gift, and she sighed. “Sucks that he too, is taken. You guys would be cute. Xavier’s such goals. He’s hot and thoughtful and good with kids and honestly? Wow.”

I laughed bitterly. “I know. All perfection has flaws, though.”

Maria hummed. “Welp, maybe your mister right just hasn’t come onto the scene yet. Maybe you’re still supposed to wait.”

Sitting lower in my desk chair, I drew my legs to my chest and hugged them tight. “I hate waiting and suffering in the meantime.” I said, voice cracking.

Just from her tone, I knew she wanted to hug me. “I know, I know. It’s okay, Kamila.”

#chapter 1

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abundantchewtoys · 6 years ago

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HS Epi: Meat p12 reaction

Back to Earth C presumably.

I gotta say, I'm curious to find out the final page count of Meat. The way we liveblog, the experience is stretched out, so with theories surfacing and such, we might be caught off guard when things are really over. There's only so far that things will be taken, though I guess we're still in for those "original Male/Female characters", I guess. :P That shouldn't refer to the new Reload timeline John created, I think, with copies of all the people mentioned in the rest of the character list. So, uh, yeah, guess the reason Arquiusprite wasn't mentioned in there was because he remained unseen, voided out if you will. And I guess we shouldn't expect an alternate Equius to have a talking role, either?

---

==>

Well! Talk about jumping straight into the action, this page opens with a dialoguelog! Back to Dave, Karkat and if my eyes didn't deceive me, we'll get some lines for Jade, too! Supportive Jade will be supportive.

"hit jane right in her neoliberal austerity measures" ... Hah. Well, I didn't think that would get referenced again at all, but it seems after all these years since John's 18th birthday Dave still has issues with the ol' N.A.M. So, Jane's a neoliberal AND a fascist now, Dave? Is that... even feasible?

"DAVE: now shes gonna spin some shit about supply side economics but we cant let her control the narrative on that one cause the first thing thats gonna happen once she begins deregulating the baking industry is that some sweet dumb crocodile down in consort land is gonna start putting sparkle glue in the cupcake mix which isnt even the real issue thats just surface issues KARKAT: RIGHT. JADE: definitely" ... Like, Dave I admire you're getting so into this, but you realize they aren't following, right? Also, why would Jane want to deregulate the baking industry if she's the leader of the foremost power in said industry, as well as running for president? Plus, Jane can't control the narrative because Caliborn is already controlling it! :mspa:

"DAVE: i mean earth c has just been play acting capitalism the last five thousand years while we timeskipped ahead to live rad lives as gods without bothering with any of the boring shit that goes into making a civilization DAVE: which is fine i mean you cant really expect a bunch of teens who didnt finish middle school to set up a sustainable form of social democracy that isnt just blatantly ripped off whatever we incorrectly thought obama god rest his soul was doing back in the day" ... Gee, Dave's given this a real lot of thought. Props to him, but I hope that aside from becoming 'an activist' he's also got some legitimite action points to improve Earth C's situation.

Guess Sburb really does a number on players, huh? "Congrats, you won, you're all gods now, and also, here's this whole civilization on the brink of collapse, have fun with that. Don't mess this up, I need those people to start the apocalypse in say, 2000 years, k thx bye." (The fact that this civilization, being outside of the Green Sun's influence, may never implement Sburb, is a bit besides the point since I think the trolls would have had the same issue tossed onto them had they actually gone through the victory door.)

Right, but the trolls had their home planet already effectively run by children, I wonder if that will come again? Even though they had carpenter droids at their disposal to run some things for them, they might actually be a bit more self-reliant than the humans!

"DAVE: but janes got this old school mentality you just know she wants to restrict grist alchemy for the sake of “growth” and when that goes down itll take three seconds flat for some nobody in new dersetown to drop the earth c communist manifesto" ... New Dersetown, I like the ring of that. Would call it New Dersey for short, though. :P Again, valid points there, Dave! If any revolt started, it doesn't have to be in the troll community, it could just as much be an angry carapace uprising! They're only docile if there's no one to rally behind.

Blaperile has this idea that the new society in a universe is not supposed to be seeded with the remains of the session nor the universe that came before it. That's actually a valid point; the only reason this society got kickstarted was through the cloning apparatus that was on the meteor! The consorts and carapaces seem like they would be able to reproduce biologically though, so I'm not sure how Sburb normally ensures the planet is a clean slate for a new species to emerge. ... Okay, so the planet itself doesn't really need to be the place where a new Sburb-playing species rises, true. There's a whole new universe out there.

Maybe through "importing" old Sburb technology, the "alpha" planet designation went to Earth C automatically, though.

Or maybe First Guardians are expected to 'cleanse' the planet from outside influence normally, but since this society's outside of the Green Sun's influence, that ain't happening. And Jade won't be going Thanos on Earth C.

"KARKAT: OH YEAH. JADE: of course DAVE: are you two even listening or are you just making noises with your mouths" Dave realizing he's monologuing? What character development is this. :O

"KARKAT: I CAN’T BELIEVE I’M BEING ACCUSED BY DAVE STRIDER, REIGNING EMPEROR OF SPEWING ENDLESS VERBAL DIARRHEA DIRECTLY INTO MY INNOCENT HEAR DUCTS EVERY DAY OF MY FUCKING LIFE, OF MAKING THOUGHTLESS MOUTH NOISES. KARKAT: JADE, ARE YOU HEARING THIS? JADE: im scandalized JADE: especially when JADE: there are much better things we could all be doing with our mouths....." ... Jade, your animes are showing again. ... I think that maybe Jade doesn't want this relation to be going where Dave and Karkat want it to go.

"It’s been a really nice day they’ve been having, and then Jade had to go say something like that. The air in the hive changes in a way that is palpable, in a way that she can’t seem to accurately gauge despite having both superhuman and superdog senses." ... Ah. So I guess maybe Jade just can't get a lid on some of her more... canine inclinations, at time. Welp!

"Elements of her outfit resemble her god tier jammies: peasant skirt, sparkly flats, and a bold choice in striped tights." Nice! That's only the third person who created an outfit based on her god tier outfit that we know, aside from Meenah and Rose.

"the couch where she crashed last night, and the night before that, and the better part of the seven years before that." It would seem Jade has the wanderlust then, she's more like the vagrant dog that comes visiting from time to time? More GCAT in demeanor than Becquerel, in practice. Heheh. Good for her, after being isolated on an island and then a battleship for so long, she's finally going out & seeing things!

"There are other personal effects of hers in the living room too: plants on the windowstill, her bass guitar sitting in a corner" Cool, so when she comes over, she typically lounges here then. Guess the flute never made it over, though. :p

"a horrific-looking periodic table that Dave made her for her seventeenth birthday pinned above the stairwell. He typed it in Comic Sans, and then deep-fried it to oblivion with JPEG artifacts." ... Next up, on For Fans By Fans...

"And Dave, with his preternaturally perfect timing, sweeps a hand over his tablet to bring up a new PowerPoint slide on the TV. He returns to his Comic Sans-written political presentation, gruesome artifacts and all" Dave, Dave that isn't professional at all!

", with the grace and proficiency of a man who has diffused an awkward situation in his own household many times per day, every day, for many years." Well, okay, that is really mature. But when Dave is the adult in a situation, the situation is very awkward per definition.

"DAVE: alternia: brutal eugenics based space dictatorship KARKAT: NOT UNTRUE." Succinct, brutal, but not dishonest.

"DAVE: troll homeworld: lord of the flies nightmare scenario where kids murder each other just to get the chance to get to grow up and murder other aliens instead KARKAT: IT WASN’T THAT BAD." Karkat. Karkat that isn't a valid rebuke.

"KARKAT: YOU MADE THAT LAST ONE UP. KARKAT: ALSO, IT WAS DISGUSTING?? KARKAT: GROW THE FUCK UP, YOU UTTERLY CONTEMPTIBLE, POTTY MOUTHED *CUNT*." ... The irony is stark.

"JADE: also you know trolls dont actually have two dicks dave thats an offensive stereotype" Are we really doing troll anatomy? Well, I guess it's good to know that the fan theory about Sollux at least isn't applicable to the entire species.

"DAVE: trolls: literally ate babies KARKAT: ONLY THE DEFECTIVE ONES. DAVE: like you my dude KARKAT: ...YEAH. DAVE: so thats why our campaign can work" Yeah, Karkat ate grubs, though they weren't troll babies. Also, yeah, Karkat was a mutant, but I wonder if that would really help his case here.

"DAVE: btw im gonna be giving a long form exam at the end of this to make sure youre retaining info because this is only like the most important thing weve ever done collectively" Well he ain't wrong.

"KARKAT: ARE YOU ASKING ME WHETHER I’VE HEARD THIS EXACT SPEECH ALMOST WORD FOR WORD, INCLUDING REHEARSED VERSIONS OF BOTH THE COLORFUL METAPHORS AND “JOKES,” TEN OR TWENTY TIMES ALREADY? KARKAT: BECAUSE THE ANSWER WOULD BE KARKAT: YES, OF COURSE I FUCKING HAVE." Poor, poor Karkat.

"Karkat elbows Dave in the thigh, a move that is obviously meant to be an action of pure, brotherly jest. But instead it comes off as affectionate and overly intimate. Jade’s clever eyes don’t miss this. Her pupils follow the motion of Karkat’s arm, and then they follow the movement of Dave’s mouth as he smiles in what he probably thinks is a totally neutral expression that reveals exactly 0% of his true feelings toward Karkat Vantas. In reality, his veneer is as thin and transparent as cellophane. He is the only person who can’t see through it.

Jade does some calculations in her head. Two kinds of calculations, in fact: mathematical ones and personal ones." So, is Jade reading too much into their relationship, or are the dudes just... Both too shy?

"JADE: soooooo JADE: do you want a projection of her first years hit on the economy down to the decimal with a 0.3% margin of error JADE: because thats a thing i can do if itll make you stop talking about this stupid election for ten minutes" I didn't know that were First Guardian powers! :p I suppose it might be her natural intellect though, but we've only known her as the hands-on science type until now.

"She proceeds to dazzle the two boys with explications on complex math utilizing taxation rates, GDP figures, and some damned thing called the “Laffer curve,”" Dang, Jade is as much committed to this as Dave! (Or maybe she learned all this because it means so much to him, that could be it too!)

"The thing about Jade Harley is that she’s not as good at personal things as she is at other things. Like science, or mastering fraymotifs, or kissing, the last of which she has definitely put a lot of levels into over the past few years because, well, what else are you supposed to do with immortal godhood once you hit the age where the dog hormones start kicking into overdrive?" Guess for dogs, kissing isn't that personal. :p And well, I guess Jade's only now learning the real consequences of turning into a real-life furry. At least she won't have had lack of candidates to practice kissing with. She might even have become the Witch of Spacing Out Young Adults.

"Her high-prescription lenses make her eyes look anime-huge. They might literally be glittering, she’s so completely serious about the issue she is trying to stress." And the fan artists rejoiced for all the new descriptions they have to work with!

" JADE: im about to lay out some cold hard evidence so pay attention! KARKAT: OH, HANG ON, LET ME GET A PEN." You can't live together with Dave for years without learning when it's time to start taking notes and grab a fucking pen.

"JADE: evidence about..... JADE: our relationship! KARKAT: FUCK" Pfff, okay, never mind. I think Jade might have hit a wall several times over before, trying to either define their relationship or take it to the next level. These dudes are really sensitive about their feelings, after all.

But it would be interesting, learning Jade wants to know where they stand just as much as the outside world does.

"JADE: you let me live in your hive when im in town KARKAT: I CAN’T BELIEVE... JADE: im preeeetty intimately entwined in both your lives KARKAT: THAT YOU’RE JUST TALKING ABOUT THIS? JADE: AND you dont disengage from about 86.234% of my flirtations KARKAT: WAIT, WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU KEEP TRACK OF SOMETHING LIKE THAT? JADE: so....... are we doing this or not?" So, just like with taking on Lord English and acknowledging the lit fuse that is Earth C society, I guess the coming around of April 13th 2019 is when Jade had enough of all this silly business and wants to know what's what. (Also, I suppose the level of intimacy they shared on beforehand will be left to speculation.)

"KARKAT: DOING WHAT?! JADE: dating dummy!!!!!!!! KARKAT: OH. KARKAT: THAT IS KARKAT: THAT IS... A COMPLICATED TOPIC IN MY CULTURE THAT I’M NOT SURE HUMANS ARE EQUIPPED TO TALK ABOUT." Smooth, Karkat, real smooth. Maybe Karkat fears commitment will lead to some of their relationships shifting into other quadrants. And he wouldn't like to be moirails or auspistices with either of them.

"DAVE: also totally unrelated to the economy" ... Nice try Dave, but I think this can't be steered back into that track.

"DAVE: which not gonna lie is the only thing i want to talk about for uh DAVE: for however long it takes for this other conversation to stop happening JADE: so say no!!! DAVE: well KARKAT: UHHHHH JADE: im not just forcing this conversation for my sake! its for you two as well JADE: i mean after all this time have you two even kissed yet?????? DAVE: wha" I think Dave and Karkat might actually have been both content to stay uncommitted and fearful to put a label on it. Also Jade's question will presumably remain unanswered, it's already surprising it's confirmed she hasn't seen them kissing. And that is ignoring the matter of whether either Dave or Karkat kissed Jade before. I guess it's only fortunate for this situation that this instance of Jade never dated Davesprite, it would only complicate things further.

"DAVE: wha KARKAT: WH-WHY WOULD DAVE: uhh KARKAT: WHY WOULD WE KISS?? DAVE: thats KARKAT: THAT’S... YOU... I MEAN, HE’S... HE’S DAVE. DAVE: we KARKAT: AND I’M KARKAT." PFffffffff, hilarious! I can just see them blushing like tomatoes right now. Can't keep staying in denial bros!

"JADE: yes hes dave and youre karkat and everyone we know always calls you that JADE: “dave and karkat”" Hah! Yeah, but they also think you're part of the item, Jade. Care to shed some thoughts on the subject?

"JADE: i cant remember the last time i heard anyone mention one of you without the other JADE: the two of you have basically been together since your days on the meteor its SO obvious" Jade has turned this from a personal matter into a fandom matter. "Everyone and their dog knows you're dating, guys! Stop pretending otherwise!" It's interesting to note the different ways Dave has been seen handling relationships. When he dated Terezi in the GO timeline, it went south due her troubles in the black quadrant. When Davesprite dated Jade, it went south due to unresolved Dave issues, presumably having to do with his bros. With Karkat, Dave's been in a stable-ish thing for the longest time, though.

" KARKAT: VERY CLOSE FRIENDS WHO UNDERSTAND AND SUPPORT EACH OTHER ON A DEEP AND EMPATHETIC LEVEL THAT GOES BEYOND HATE OR PITY. YOU COULD EVEN SAY THAT OUR RELATIONSHIP... KARKAT: ...TRANSCENDS QUADRANTS." ... PFfffffff, so this could have been what it was like for the Sufferer and the Disciple, then! They were just never ready to commit? That would actually be funnier than it being this deep and fulfilling relationship. It would also make Doc Scratch' misgivings on the relationship even more hilarious.

"JADE: yeaaaaaah not gonna lie karkat but that sounds totally kinda gay KARKAT: UGH YOU HUMANS AND YOUR UNFATHOMABLE GENDER BASED QUADRANTS." ... Heh. Actually. Too trolls, the whole gender-based romance thing we have going must indeed be as unfathomable as leprechaun romance.

"Jade faceplams." Well that's a new verb. ;) What part of the body is the 'plam', exactly?

" KARKAT: ANYWAY WEREN’T YOU... DATING THAT CARAPACIAN COUPLE? LAST TIME WE CHECKED?" Lolwut. Jade. Jade are you... are you being a Ms. Casanova, a paramour or two in every city you frequent? If WV and PM turn out to be alive for the sole purpose of dating Jade, I'll choke on my drink.

" DAVE: wait you saying we arent fun JADE: whens the last time either of you left the house??????" I know Jade means it as in, she'd like to date them for keeps. But I also fulheartedly believe Dave and Karkat can sustain themselves on delivery pizza and chinese chow.

"In her other hand, she tries to grab Dave’s wrist, but he flash-steps to the other side of the couch." Well that's a new use of the power, guess Dave must really have felt alarmed. :p

"JADE: i wanna try dating for real KARKAT: HAVE YOU EVER CONSIDERED KARKAT: SORRY IF WHAT I’M ABOUT TO SAY TOTALLY BLOWS YOUR MIND KARKAT: DATING A SINGLE PERSON, FOR MORE THAN HALF A SWEEP, FOR REASONS OTHER THAN INITIATING THE CONCUPISCENT EXCHANGE OF FLUIDS?" Karkat is trying to throw the issue back into Jade's face by saying she should try dating for a longer period of time. But that's exactly what she's trying to do here! She knows who she wants that with! That poor little troll, he's not getting out from under this.

"JADE: third of all karkat arent you from a culture where people are expected to engage in romantic relationships with up to like five people at a time?? KARKAT: THAT’S NOT KARKAT: THAT’S NOT THE SAME THING AT ALL." If he's trying to avoid getting dragged into quadrants with people, he should stop upholding the validity of the quadrants to hold people off. :p

"DAVE: ok jade i think theres a flaw in your approach here cause you seem to think winning an argument on super clever logical grounds is gonna get a couple dudes to break down and fling themselves at you in like, a sexual way JADE: wellll it usually does ;B DAVE: oh my fucking god" So she swoons people by way of her big brain. Jade's got CLASS.

"This earns Dave a look. A long, sad one that has Jade messing with her glasses again so that she can peer right at him and apply some more of that faulty personal math to his facial expression." Just confirmation here that Jade isn't necessarily correct in all her assessments due to not being objective.

"JADE: dave are you in love with obama? DAVE: jade jesus where do you get this shit from JADE: is it about jesus then??????" Aaaaaand this has been derailed again.

"DAVE: no! DAVE: jesus wasnt even real JADE: i know he wasnt real! JADE: wait... JADE: are you saying JADE: obama was real? DAVE: ... DAVE: yes" Wut. Wai- I- Jade. Honey. Please. Guess for all her involvement in politics since, those isolated years on the island sheltered her WAY too much.

"DAVE: obama was real DAVE: he was the president KARKAT: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA JADE: all this time i thought obama was like JADE: an aspirational fictional character that you modeled your life after KARKAT: AHAHAHAHA I CAN’T AHAHA BREATHE... JADE: like snoop dog or nicolas cage" ... Jade. Jade no. You're just making this worse on yourself. For Jade, there would have been almost nothing in Homestuck she'd have seen as a reference to 'real life', would there?

"senary numeral systems that allow me to do complex equations in my head" ... Why is Base 6 good for complex equations? I'm probably not good enough at math to know.

"KARKAT: WHY IS IT LIKE SOME SORT OF *TRAGEDY* HOW SHE WAS RAISED? KARKAT: BECAUSE SHE WAS RAISED ALONE BY AN ANIMAL?? KARKAT: *I* WAS RAISED ALONE BY AN ANIMAL!" There! It's getting acknowledged again, how Jade's upbringing more resembles a troll than a human's! Becquerel the lusus.

"There’s a ripple in the room that makes it clear their god tier powers have just clashed against each other. He shifts his arm through time and Jade warps the space around them so that she’s the one holding the tablet. This is not the first time that they have rearranged the fabric of reality for a petty reason like this. Karkat has permanently sworn off playing board games with them." ... Lol. First real use of the god tier powers in Earth C, and it goes like this! Wait, couldn't Jade have snapped... Right, no, she actually wouldn't have First Guardian powers anymore now, I forgot. Still, what did Dave try to do, move the tablet to another point in the timeline?

"The moment Jade brings the paint program up on the television, Karkat stops laughing. KARKAT: NO!" Oh boy. Time for the Penis Quadrant scene, this time with three people. ... This would actually fall under both definitions of a "sketch", actually.

"He tries to grab the tablet from her, but she’s hovering well above the ground and he simply is not tall enough to reach. With a shit-eating grin and deliberate care, Jade begins to draw a grid." He's going to jump up to grab her leg, to disturb the drawing, isn't he?

"She gives Karkat a pair of fuzzy, angry eyebrows" Now I'm starting to think of the Karkat expressions in that one Paradox Space.

"all he accomplishes is turning the redrom trajectory between her and Dave into a redrom loop-de-loop." This is all I could want from a reprise of this scene.

"JADE: see me and karkat have great black chemistry! KARKAT: IT IS NOT BLACK CHEMISTRY YOU HORRID NON-CHITINOUS WINDBAG!" A+ denial there, Karkat, props on the response.

"JADE: and now that daves all chill hed make a great auspistice" Jade just wants all Karkat's quadrants filled by the three of them, somehow.

"JADE: because you and karkat are kind of like moirails DAVE: no JADE: and you and i JADE: well yknow its always been pretty flirty DAVE: jade JADE: EXCEPT!

Jade finishes drawing a shaky heart directly into the paint program. It’s so big and bright on the TV that it fills the entire room with red light." She's putting all these names and symbols to the relationship, it might just be too much for these poor boys to handle. :p

"JADE: i call this political arrangement: JADE: fully automated luxury polyamorous space-time communism!!!!!!!" That is not the shipping name I would've chosen, but it's the shipping name we deserve. And hey, communism! Get it? Cause Karkat had a sickle.

I wonder what Karkat's take on polyamory outside of the ashen quadrant is, actually.

"Jade rolls her eyes and tosses both the tablet and pen over her shoulder. Dave flashes across the living room to catch his very expensive computing device in both arms. The pen bounces off his forehead." This. Entire. Scene.

"JADE: i have to go talk to roxy and callie about the election anyway" Well, she's going to let them stew on this for a while. But I'm eager to find out who Roxy & Calliope would back. You might think Jane's a given, but if she's been busy maybe they have grown closer to Jade & Dave!

"Jade clicks her heels together to propel herself back into the air and actually winks at them before absconding through an open window." Think happy thoughts! Also, I just realized becoming a god sadly never gave Karkat the powers of flight.

"Dave and Karkat both stare after her, silently caught in their own private rationalization spirals.

Karkat needs to verbalize part of his out loud." Ah, but can they stay in that spiral or will they have no choice but to break out of it?

"KARKAT: WANNA PLAY SOME TROLL TONY HAWK? DAVE: hell DAVE: yeah" Yyyyyeaah, they are not going to have changed when Jade comes back, will they?

So even Karkat calls it "Troll Tony Hawk", not whatever absurdly wrong name it'd have on Alternia, and not whatever Tony Hawk's duodecimal name in Alternian would be. :P

#homestuck #homestuck epilogues #upd8 #reaction #spoiler alert #jade harley #karkat vantas #dave strider #homestuck liveblog

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heartslogos · 6 years ago

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newfragile yellows [473]

“What're you playing? Is this a new game?”

Bull raises his arm and Ellana instantly inserts herself against his side, loudly crunching on an apple. He lets his arm fall around her and resumes playing. It’s a move that they’ve perfected over literal years of negotiation. The perfecting of this move has resulted in bumped heads, split lips, bruised faces, at least two choking incidents, and dozens of lost game points.

When you're serious about getting quality time with your significant other and your significant other is serious about getting some quality time with a game this is the compromise you learn to have down.

“Pavus said I’d suck at it,” Bull says, “So I’m clearing my way through it at every difficulty level at max completion to prove him wrong. I thought you weren’t eating dinner.”

“I’m eating an apple,” Ellana says, “It’s not exactly dinner. Oh, hey, who’s that handsome lad?”

“Not for you,” Bull answers dryly as the cutscene starts to play. “That one’s for me.”

“And how would you know that? Why can’t that one be for me? How do you know that one isn’t going to be my fave? Are you hogging my new fave to yourself? I’ve literally just seen him so I wouldn’t know, but how would you know.”

“Because you have a type, babe,” Bull replies. Someone had to break it to her eventually. “And this guy? Isn’t it. This guy is my type and you’d find yourself bored, annoyed, or falling into some sort of familial-bond pattern with this kind of guy within an hour of play time. Trust me on this. You’re predictable, I got you covered.”

Ellana gasps, and then coughs on apple

“Give me five minutes,” Bull says, dropping a lazy kiss onto the back of her head as she smacks her own chest to try and clear her airways. He settles back into the couch, raising his arms so she can escape to cough up all of her apple into the sink as she runs out of the room. He raises his voice so it’ll follow her. “And I’ll show you your type.”

Ellana comes back just before the five minutes are up, sans apple and looking sullen.

“I don’t have a type.”

“Yes you do,” Bull says. “You like bears.”

“The…animal?”

“Big dumb guys,” Bull says, and points at himself, “You like big dumbasses like me, who’re kind of loud and obvious.”

“You are only one of those words and that word is big,” Ellana says, slinking back into her earlier position tucked against his chest and kicking her way underneath a throw blanket.

“I like to put on a facade of the rest,” Bull replies, calmly working his way through hoards of enemies. “You like them big, dumb, loud, and obvious. But you only like them when they’re all of that but hiding something underneath. Moments of extreme insight or cleverness, amazing skills with charm or manipulation. Shit like that. You like many facets and lots of character depth. All the better if they’ve got a sad, sad backstory. The sadder the backstory the better because you just want to smother them. Bonus points for animal companion, regardless of whether animal companion is present or not.”

“That’s not true. I like tons of people who aren’t like that. That profile is way too specific.”

“Yeah, I know. You like other types of people too, but if you dropped me in the middle of an unknown media and asked me to point out the one you’d choose I know without a shred of doubt you’d choose the one I just described over any other type of person.”

“Untrue. Completely untrue."

“Your flavor profile is different for women. by the way. If that’s your defense for that profile not being absolutely right. I’d go through that list but it’s summarized pretty short. You like’m when they look like they can crush you. And in the even that these two types of people are present you’re going with the woman who could crush you — even if she’s the antagonist.”

“Welp. Got me on that one. But the other one I’m still not so sure on. Just because you happen to fit all of those criteria and I’ve decided I want to spend the rest of my life with you doesn’t mean that - oh, hi.”

Ellana perks up instantly. Bull smirks to himself. Ellana goes from bored person half flopped over his lap to sitting up straight and blocking half his view of the TV.

“Hey,” Ellana pats his leg rapidly. Well. More like smacks his leg rapidly with increasing force and speed. “Hey. That one. Hey. Hey. Hey. Babe. Hey. Who’s that fella over there. Hey, babe. Babe. Babe. He winked. He winked at me. You. Uh. Us. Uh. The camera. He winked at the camera, hey babe, you gonna romance the fuck outta that guy or what?”

“There aren’t any romance options in this game.”

“This is a shitty game.” Ellana sounds both outraged and disappointed. He privately agrees. Why have so many flirty dialogue lines if it isn’t going to go anywhere?

“You know nothing about this game. You’ve seen about two minutes of actual game play and five minutes of cinematic.”

He thinks that Ellana would probably enjoy the mechanics of this game and the scenery. She’d think the plot is terrible and overdone and that there’s a distinct and very sad lack of animals that you can interact with. Overall, though, she’d probably make it through story mode at least once and maybe give New Game Plus a try just for kicks. It wouldn’t be her game of the year, but she wouldn’t hate it.

“I know that he’s in it and I like him.”

“Predictable.”

“Shut up,” Ellana waves her hand around until she cannot him in the face and cover his mouth. “He’s beautiful. I needed to know everything about him yesterday. Oh my god, he’s got scars. He’s got a broken nose. Is that a fucking dog at his feet. Holy shit, that’s a dog. Holy bananas. Bull, Bull, Bull. I want one.”

“I know you do, babe,” Bull says. “I knew you would.”

#heartsfic #gather your party and venture forth

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weannewashere · 8 years ago

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Something’s Gotta Give

Several years ago, when I started working as a nurse, I found myself bursting with stories to tell after every shift. I would blog almost weekly, trying to permanently record the story of that adorable pedia pre-schooler, or the surprise hospital wedding of that cancer patient, or that crazy shift with the two code blues at four in the morning. These stories - they were how I knew I enjoyed what I was doing.

Well this week I started what is, technically, a new job. And if this urge to blog about the experience is any indication, then welp, it seems like I’m off to a good start. My brain, however, is currently tired, fried and sleep-deprived and can’t think of any smooth ways to transition the random thoughts swirling around in my head right now. So instead of actually telling a story the way a decent blogger would, let me take the lazyas* way out and regale you, dear readers (all four million of you), with a week’s worth of bullet points hahaha. Alright yip yip, let’s go!

First off - it’s been hectic. I’ve been assigned a full load of teaching PLUS am expected to retain all my tasks at the Advancement Office, hence I am basically jugging two full-time jobs. This is my first time teaching all these classes too, and having to make the syllabi and lectures for four different classes from scratch every week is a complete workout for ol’ perfectionist me. My average hours of sleep this past week has been three hours/night, and unfortunately I don’t think it’ll get any easier next week. Also, sleep deprivation, apparently, makes me bruise-y, mushy, and clingy, so it’s been an interesting, slightly hypochondriac-y week.

The Centennial Celebration, which is basically my major job for the Advancement Office, is coming up in just two short weeks, and the tasks, just like all last-minute things, are piling up quickly. I’m still up to my elbows trying to get through my backlog, and yet people keep calling or coming to the office nonstop to follow-up on all the tasks they’ve asked me to do. And it doesn’t help that I only have 1/3 of the time now to do said tasks. So every time someone asks me for something, I smile and nod my head and say I’m on it, but HEAVEN HELP ME, Inner Weanne is actually a full-blown crying Jordan meme haha. And because my typical response to stress is finding my own misery hilarious, I may or may have groan-laughed my way through my to-do list.

Because my day job is keeping me incredibly busy, I have sadly had to defer a lot of the things I wanted to accomplish this month, such as my resolutions to read certain books or go on twice-weekly runs, or my plans to take swim classes or volunteer for Sen. Hontiveros. Never fear, hopes and dreams and bets I’m planning on winning, I will get right back to you mid-February!

But the thing is, I can’t really complain that much. The culture at work is so nice and friendly, and the people I work with pretty much treat me like their daughter haha. The work is overwhelming, but when two older, married fellow committee members come in to hilariously yet wisely advise me on my love life for a full hour, the stress is quickly forgotten hahaha.

And teaching? I don’t want to jinx it, but I think I’m actually quite enjoying myself! For our first day of class, I got the kids (look at wise old me calling college students kids haha) to do this icebreaker where they each have 12 seconds to say their name, their program, their answer to a question asked by the person before them, and their question to the next person, before passing the timer on to the next person. Their questions ranged from the standard (sleep or food?) to the revealing (what is your weight?) to the impossible (if a boat was sinking, who would you save, your mom or your boyfriend?). One of my favorites was when a guy was asked who his favorite musical artist was. He couldn’t think of an answer off the top of his head, so he just burst out the name of the first singer that came to mind - JUSTIN BIEBER!!! - and then regretted it immediately hahaha. I think we shall all be calling him Justin Bieber from now on haha. One student got the question “Who will be the next Miss Universe?” and he went all, “Uhh... Uhh... Uhhh...” for a full seven seconds before going, “Uhhh... Ma’am Weanne!!!” (Ah, I think I shall give him an A.) At one point we were all in stitches because one girl panicked so hard, she just screamed throughout the entire 12 seconds hahahaha.

But okay okay, I did some actual teaching too, okaaaay. And I think this is where the joy mainly comes in. Back in college, I was apathetic when it came to public/community health. Its concepts didn’t make me feel as intelligent as nursing concepts did, its effects on health seemed to be pretty invisible, it wasn’t lucrative at all, and like my friend once said, it seemed like public health was only about pointing at things and saying “that’s dangerous.” But now, I’m this huuuuge global health nerd who feels frisson upon seeing words like health equity, international development, and proper toilet sanitation hahaha. And it feels like I’ve been given this great opportunity and privilege to get kids excited about it as well, and to see them listen and participate eagerly when I get carried away about regularly boring things such as public health history - it’s an awesome, inspiring feeling. And suddenly, not being able to sleep the previous night becomes worth it. And I know there’ll also be discouraging days when I feel like I’m not doing a good job, days when I’ll receive blank stares in return, but here’s to hoping there are more inspiring days than indifferent ones.

I don’t know. I initially titled this blog as “Something’s Gotta Give” because I was fully expecting it to be a rant about how terribly busy this week was, but I guess in retrospect, it actually wasn’t so bad.

But also, since I’m basically talking about the events this week, here are a few current issues in the Philippines that I particularly need to vent about:

The proposed 10-30% tax on cosmetic products to lessen taxes on fuel. Okay, I can’t even tell a concealer from a foundation or a highlighter from a blush so this law really won’t affect me much, but really now, what kind of drugs are our lawmakers on??? What kind of bullpoop discriminatory policy would tax something that makes a lot of women feel empowered because of the misguided idea that “only the rich can afford to pay for luxury items such as makeup anyway”? You want to tax something? Tax products that are a hazard to the health - soda, junk food, cigarettes! And sure, some men use makeup as well, but one can’t deny that cosmetics are disproportionately used by women. What are we taxing men on? Why can’t men take one for the team as well? (It’s a male politician pushing this law forward btw.) Also, if you’re gonna be charging me 30% more for wanting the “luxury” of not having evil bags under my eyes, then can you make sure my money goes to funding anti-poverty programs and public health and kids’ education and not this disgraceful drug war this country has been bleeding for?

The Philippines’ Miss Universe bet, Maxine Medina, and her not-so-stellar English skills. I am so disappointed... but not in Maxine. I’m disappointed in the Filipinos who have been conditioned into the elitist, colonialist thinking that English skills = intelligence = your worth as a person. I am disappointed in the people who have chosen to shame and mock her on social media, even as she works hard to make this pageant-loving country proud in a few days. It takes a special kind of bravery to do something you know you’re not good at, something you know you’re going to be criticized for, and if there’s any value that little girls could actually learn from a show that makes women strut around in a bikini, it could be that. Also, these days, I think I would be even more impressed with a Filipino who can actually speak straight fluent Tagalog than someone who speaks straight English, anyway.

Okay rants and raves done hahaha. I don’t know if I’m ready to take on next week, but hopefully it’ll give me more stories to tell and less rants to vent about haha. Overall, I’m grateful for this past week and all that mushy stuff okkkk I can’t think of nice conclusions to end this blogpost anymore hahaha. See y’all on the other side, my brain cells need to sleep.

#daily

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thejpfdude-blog · 8 years ago

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The Week in Anime (Week of 7/10/17)

Hello and welcome to a new season version of TWiA! With the season now officially under way, there’s a whole slew of shows to watch, and reactions to said shows. As a result this week’s post is pretty long: just a little warning before we get into it. Now, let’s get into it with the new rankings:

Rankings:

1 (NEW). Ballroom e Youkoso (great/10) [1/24]

2 (+1). Sakura Quest (7.5/10) [14/25]

3 (NEW). Tsurezure Children (good/10) [1/?]

4 (-3). Kakegurui (good/10) [2/12]

5 (-3). Boku no Hero Academia 2nd Season (7/10) [14/25]

6 (NEW). Centaur no Nayami (decent/10) [1/12]

7 (NEW). Isekai Shokudou (decent/10) [1/?]

8 (NEW). Nana Maru San Batsu (decent/10) [1/12]

9 (NEW). Dive!! (meh/10) [1/?]

Awards

The WTF Award: Kakegurui

Okay, that was a thing. Again. On the one hand, it was entertaining, but on the other there were some points in the episode where I felt super uncomfortable. Let’s see, the whole fingernail thing, the weird faces, and how about the fact that Yumeko pretty much got off from gambling? Oh and the OP and ED had some questionable scenes too.

As much as I liked the whole game thing, it did feel a bit too similar to last episode with the whole “introduce character and game, then after looking like MC’ll lose she pulls it off”. I’ll give it a few more episodes because right now, it’s teetering towards “drop” territory if it continues towards the path it’s currently going on.

The “Ideal Body” Award: Ballroom e Youkoso

Truly, the characters in this show are the pinnacle of man (and woman). Necks as long as their heads; this is indeed the peak of evolution.

In seriousness, the giraffe necks were a bit weird. Actually more than a bit weird: it bothered me throughout the whole episode in a minor way. I say minor way because I still greatly enjoyed the episode overall. A nice little introduction to the characters and where they stand so far, from the aimless main character to the not-so-lost other girl. I look forward to seeing how this show progresses.

The “I Guess It’s a Thing” Award: Dive!!, Nana Maru San Batsu, and Centaur no Nayami

Yeah boi, multiple shows can get the same award in a week. Welcome to The Week in Anime, where I make up the rules as I go along.

Anyway, let me start with Dive!!, which as you may guess is a show about diving. But I don’t know, there honestly wasn’t much else to it. I didn’t really like the main character too much, what with his attitude towards his family and girlfriend and infatuation towards his cool senpai. I’ve seen comparisons to Battery, but I don’t think it’s that bad yet. At least they might focus on the sport from what this episode showed, which is more than the “baseball” in Battery. As it stands I probably might drop this show, but something in me wants to give this show one more episode, so that I will. More likely than not though expect this show to receive the award featuring red flags next week.

On the same token we have Nana Maru San Batsu, a show about quiz bowl. Unlike Dive!!, it’s actually pretty interesting. The first episode did a nice job of introducing some things about quiz bowl like predicting the answer before all of the question is read. The gripes I have with this show is with its shounen genreification (that’s not a word but whatever). This show feels a lot like a sports show: we have the weak main protagonist who at first is apprehensive to the sport but then as he suddenly finds he has skill in it joins it and through the power of friendship and stuff wins the thing. Or something like that. I don’t know, I generally don’t like shounen and the tropes that follow along with it. Even a show that does it really well like Boku no Hero Academia this season is still kinda iffy for me. I don’t know why: maybe I just don’t like the monologueing that happens a lot in those types of shows. So overall, 703x (the other name for the show) looks interesting enough for me to continue watching, but I do feel a bit iffy about it in the back of my mind, and so it’s on the Short Leash for now. We’ll check back in after ~3 episodes.

Finally, we have Centaur no Nayami, which is our monster girl show of the season. The first half felt like it should’ve been in a later episode: the way they just throw the viewer into the scene without introducing the characters felt a little odd. Also the whole yuri undertones weren’t my thing. But there were some promising things about the show, namely the themes they introduce that help with the world building. I think if they use it right it would add a nice dimension to the show that so far is kinda lacking in... substance? I don’t know, but something feels like it’s missing. Overall though for a first episode it was okay, but I wanna see some more episodes to see where this goes before fully committing to watching it.

The Nice Romance Show Award: Tsurezure Children

Well I’m glad. Last year had a... shall we say dearth of romance shows. I mean yeah there were some I liked (Honobono Log, ReLIFE if you wanna count that), but there was a really big lack of just nice pure romance. Well this year’s solved that problem. We got Kuzu no Honkai two seasons ago (debatable I know), Tsuki ga Kirei last season, and this season we have Tsurezure Children, a nice collection of skits about various couples. It’s cute, and that’s all I really want in life. The problem I feel like I’m gonna get into is that with the range of couples, there’s bound to be one (or a few) that I don’t like at all. That’s not too much of a problem though I think because the skits focusing on the couples are pretty short anyway, so there won’t be much time spent on hated couples unless I hate most of them (which if the first episode is any indication, I won’t). I’m excited to see what other couples we get and excited for more fun interactions with them.

The Bad OP/EDs of the Season: Boku no Hero Academia S2 and Sakura Quest

Ah yes, here’s the section where I complain about stuff changing.

Yes, with the start of the new season comes new OPs and EDs for the two shows I’m watching that are 2-cour. After watching both episodes with their OPs/EDs, I can safely say that change is bad and nothing good comes from change. Starting with BnHA’s new OP: it’s boring. The song is monotone, and the visuals are pretty average. It reminds me of a lot of shounen OPs I’ve watched before. Here’s the problem: I haven’t even watched that many shounens. Meanwhile the ED is... actually that’s pretty nice. I like the RPG style visuals, although the song will take some time to get used to.

Then we have Sakura Quest starting with the new rock OP, which is... pretty generic to be honest. Plus the visuals are all over the place, which is a far cry from the nice visuals from the first OP with the view of them working. Then there’s the ED. The song’s nice but when you’re coming off of a ED like Freesia it’s hard to meet expectations.

Change is bad kids.

The “Red Flags” Dropped Shows of the Week Award: The many shows listed below

Well as it’s the start of a season it’s the time of dropping hella shows. I’m gonna just go barebones into why I dropped the show, starting with...

Koi to Uso

Two words: FISH EYES. Seriously, those eyes really creep me out. Now I get why people complain about the eyes in Clannad being too distracting (though those eyes in particular weren’t that bad for me). Also the show itself wasn’t too interesting for me, so into the dropped list it goes.

Aho Girl

That was too much for me. Jokes flying left and right, with no break to process it all. Not to mention the main girl is very annoying. VERY. Within the first two minutes I wanted to jump out of the window rather than continue watching (which wouldn’t do too much damage tbh since I live on the first floor). So for my sanity, I’ll just stick with shows that don’t make me want to tear out my hair.

Netsuzou TRap

Welp, that was a thing. I guess it was yuri, but it felt like the beginnings of a hentai to me. Seriously, I was expecting some naughty things to happen during the whole episode, but nothing happened except questionable content featuring a girl I didn’t really like, what with her being pretty abusive. I guess it’s what it is considering this is NTR, so I can’t fault it too much. But I can stop watching it, and that I will.

Made in Abyss

I just lost interest in it. I was watching the episode, got bored, checked the score of the Brewers/Yankees game, watched some of the game, remembered the kazoo channel I used to watch, watched some videos from said channel including a kickass cover of Zen Zen Zense, watched the original Zen Zen Zense music video, started watching Made in Abyss again, wondered who one of the voice actresses was, looked it up on MAL, saw her other roles, looked up other voice actors/actresses, etc. etc. etc.... you get the point. Fantasy shows aren’t usually my thing and the show didn’t grab my attention at all, and the snippets I did watch bored me anyway. Who knows, maybe this show’ll be great like what I’m seeing many people proclaim, but I think I’ll stick with my slice-of-life shows for now, and see if that holds true later in the season.

Best Episode of the Week: Sakura Quest

Before I watched this episode, I was considering dropping this show. I had put off watching it for a few days before finally watching it, and after watching it I can say I won’t be dropping it anytime soon. I thought the most recent episodes were pretty forgettable, but after watching a lot of different anime episodes that were... not good, watching this was a nice breath of fresh air. Plus it helped that the focus wasn’t on the characters so much as the general theme of revitalizing rural areas that attracted me to this show in the first place. I also liked the scenes with all the characters reconnecting with their old friends from back home: coming from someone who went to a faraway land for college, I can really relate to meeting your old friends and reconnecting with them. In that sense I really liked this episode because it felt nostalgic. As I learned from the slate of episodes I watched this week, it’s nice for me to feel some sort of emotional connection to a show. I guess that’s why I enjoy slice-of-life shows so much and don’t really like the fantasy and sci-fi genres. Enjoying a show is one thing, but being able to connect to it is another.

And that’s all for this week! Thanks for reading this super long post, and I’ll see you in the next one!

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canaryatlaw · 8 years ago

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Today was okay-ish. Not great really. I'm still just in a weird space, mentally. Still can't get my mind to stop racing. I did call my psychiatrist today but he wasn't in that office today, but they took a message and said they'd have him call me, and asked if I needed to be today, so I said I mean it's okay if it's tomorrow but today would be preferable. I didn't get a call back today. Sigh. And it's just that much more difficult now that I'm working 9-5 because when am I supposed to do things like call my psychiatrist or anyone else that is only open 9-5? When am I supposed to go to the doctor ffs? I have one appointment scheduled for late June at 8 am. I'm sure that's gonna go over well with my brain. Sigh. Now I'm getting worked up over this which is the last thing I wanted to do. I think I'm gonna go up to 4 mg of Xanax a day though. It's still within the threshold he said I could try to figure out. I just want to talk to him about it because this guy knows my brain better than probably even me and when something that used to work is no longer working it's not a good sign. I should move on now though. Alarm went off at 7 and I successfully convinced myself to get out of bed by 7:01. Got ready, poured my cocoa krispies and then looked at my milk and it had apparently curdled when the refrigerator does was stuck open for some reason when I got home yesterday. Great. At least I figured it out before I poured it onto my cereal. So I hurried around grabbing some oatmeal (one of the disposable cups) and some cinnamon toast eggos. Made the bus so that's good. I got to the office and went to go see my supervisor but she wasn't in her office, so I just went back to mine and started working on the stuff she gave me yesterday. Not that long after she showed up at my office and said she was gonna be taking a personal half day but would make sure I had enough work, and that she'd probably be going down to court at 10:30 if I wanted to join her so I said sure. Kept working until then, then went down to court and absolutely nothing interesting happened when I was hit by another one of my wow you're going to close your eyes every 3 seconds now and be incapable of keeping them open spells that I've been getting lately when I'm sitting still and focusing on one thing, and at some point after that started my supervisor came over and said it looked like all the cases were just getting dates so it wasn't gonna be interesting if I wanted to go back upstairs. I'm not sure if she saw that I was visibly falling asleep or not, lol, but I took the out. It was a little past 11 at this point and I think then was when I called my psychiatrist. Then I didn't really have any work to do so I closed my door and set my alarm for noon and took a nap. I woke up at like 11:45 so I was probably only "out" for like 30 minutes, which I figured I'll just work through my lunch to make up for so it'll be fine. I mean, power naps are a thing right? And as long as I get the work done it's not like anyone cares, so....not a big deal lol. So I then opened my office door and started conversing with the two ladies who have the offices across and next to mine. The offices are kind of set up mostly in these 3 pod systems, and this is the first time I'm actually in a full 3 pod, since first semester the office next to mine was empty and last semester I was just kind of off in a corner. So we talked as we worked and that was cool. One of the ladies gave me some DCP packets to do, which they seem to think is like the worst thing ever and kept apologizing for giving me such a boring assignment and I'm like.....dude, I spent an entire semester doing this basically. This is child's play lol bring on the packets I can do them all. So I did all 4 then reported back to her and expressed my concern about the investigation into the last one that was somewhat lacking (whenever an allegation gets unfounded on the grounds that "it's the kids word versus the foster parents word so I'm gonna believe the foster parent" the kill bill sirens start going off in my head). So that was good. She then asked if I wanted to do some trial prep for a TPR, so I spent the rest of the afternoon sorting through a rather large file to write up a timeline of services that mom and dads 1&2 did or did not do (no polygamy, just two different dads for two kids). It wasn't terribly thrilling but it was fine. I left right around 5 to catch the 5:13 train, which I'm gonna have to start leaving a little bit earlier for because the last two times it's been a few minutes early and I've barely made it (it's typical for me to get in anywhere between 8:50 and 9, so I figure 5 minutes here or there evens itself out). Trip home was fine, quickly threw some dinner together and tuned into the flash, most of my excitement stemming from knowing that watching this week's episode meant getting to next week's episode when my bby Len is coming back haha so more of a means to an end than anything else, but I actually really liked the episode! I definitely like, snorted when they showed that in wiping Barry's memories they screwed over Savitar too and now killer frost was like welp, gotta help them fix it lol. The scene with her and Cisco though, like stop it broke my heart so much <\3 like JUST LET CAITLIN BE HAPPY DAMMIT IT ISNT THAT HARD UGHHHH so that made me sad. The main part with Barry was pretty comical, him and Iris were adorable together even with the inevitable this isn't their reality looming over their heads. And they managed to get the probable cause hearing fairly by the book, so I didn't get too pissy over that (I mean, there's no way that would be the only possible way to keep the guy in custody and he would HAVE to be released otherwise, so that part was totally unrealistic, but I realize that was just a necessary plot point). But overall I really liked the episode and then of course the first shot of the preview had me flipping a shit immediately because LEN IS STANDING IN FRONT OF THE WAVERIDER and we already know he was wearing oculus clothing in other shots on the sizzle reel and ugh.......I really don't want to get my hopes up but I can't help it, they're already sky high. I really wouldn't be surprised if it's another fake out, though I would probably be the angriest I've been with them at this point. I guess we'll see where that goes. It took me about 6 minutes to remember that prison break comes on right after the flash (and by remember I mean going to the my shows list to watch B99 and see oh shit it's recording) but I caught up to live pretty quickly. I felt pretty distracted during this week's episode, probably just due to weird mental head space again. But I'm glad they're making progress and then they were like 3 episodes left!!! and I was like what????????? This is way too short lol. But I'm very much looking forward to that teased Michael/Sara reunion for next week because I know it's gonna be epic. Lol, at the end of the episode they're like "Michaels dying!" and I was like lol, when is Michael Scofield not dying? Also, at this point I'm just convinced Michael doesn't know how to give up on anything so he just keeps trying crazier and crazier ideas until one of them inevitably and inexplicably works. But I am enjoying that. So after that, I did watch Brooklyn 99. I may be totally wrong on this, but I could've sworn B99 used to be a half hour show??? I'm probably just wrong but I definitely thought that. This episode at least seemed very distinctly split into two parts, both of which were pretty great. The Rochester partying was hilarious of course as was them recreating what happened. Then there was the whole Amy/Jake storyline with her taking the sergeants exam that led to that super sweet scene of him just being like this is your dream and it's been your dream before we started going out, I've always known you were gonna be my boss anyway and it was really adorable (and then he went all die hard and it was really funny). And yeah, that pretty much capped my tv for the night. I got into a Twitter DM convo with one of the DCTV podcast hosts (I'm being intentionally vague here) regarding the appearance of the waverider in the trailer and they weren't happy about it and was just kind of ranting at legends and normally we just have stupid and amusing conversations about our shows so it got kind of awkward for a minute there but we both calmed down and were like okay it's fine people have opinions lol. And plus they have an entire podcast to rant to about their opinions, so the need to do it to me personally isn't really there. We're fine though, I like them and I enjoy talking to them. And that was pretty much my day. Tomorrow is Wednesday and my third day at "work" for summer. Did I mention I'm the only law clerk in the office right now? My name looks so lonely on the sign in sheet, lol. Most people are still in finals, I just finished really early and wanted to make sure I made it back in time for the child death case to be up so here I am. I'm probably the only law clerk in the building at this point 😂 but yeah, as far as I know I'll finally be going iron the field (maybe I should pack a change of clothes? We didn't discuss this) or maybe she's coming to the courthouse but I'll be interviewing a 5 year old girl who was removed from her mother's care about 2 weeks ago after reports of physical abuse and that mom was a heroin addict with visible track marks on her arm, and she was always referring to her daughter as "that little bitch" and like throwing her around, and also they were living in like complete desolation, like there were holes in the floor and no heat (and this is Chicago and even though ITS FUCKING MAY it's still been freezing) and many other such examples and yeah, it wasn't good. The DCP investigator seemed to think the girl appeared as a normal happy, healthy 5 year old so that's encouraging. I guess we'll see how that goes. Okay, time for bed now. Goodnight punks. Stay awesome.

#daily journal #May 2017

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viralhottopics · 8 years ago

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‘Are You The One?’ Recap: So It Begins

Jambo, morons! Welcome back to another riveting season of where the success rate is similar to the cast members combined IQs: practically non-existent. But hey, were Americans. We love shit that is destined to failwhether its reality shows or President-elects. Its our cross to bear.

ANNNNYWAYS. So MTV had a hard job to do: top the group of idiots that made up season 4. And thankfully for you, but mostly for me, they did just that. Shoutout to you MTV, you da real MVP.

Also, as many of you know, I tend to feature quotes from my loveable, yet incredibly cruel mother in these recaps. You think Im bad? She once called a woman in Starbucks a psycho bitch because she took the last of the skinny vanilla mix. True story. DM me for details. Lets begin now.

This season MTV really went for #culture and decided to have the show in the Dominican Republic. Even reality shows get island fever, I guess. I mean, you can really only throw so many group orgys/luaus so many times on one show.

Ryan Devlin, the host who you feel bad for like 99% of the time, meets up with the cast and is like you guys all suck at and theyve all been trained to say relationships. Of course they all forget their one fucking line and just sound like they are saying random shit.

RYAN: You guys suck at CASTMATE 1: Relationships! CASTMATE 2: Tomato! CASTMATE 3: Unicorn piss! CASTMATE 4: 9/11 was a hoax!

We meet Tyranny (Mom Quote: IS HER NAME TRANNY!?! theyre so cute when they are mildly offensive) says that all of her boyfriends have either cheated on her or knocked other girls up. In the words of Donald Trump: Sad! Very Unfair!

Theres Jaylan who used to be a loser, hit the gym, now gets pussy. Male Laney Boggs. Tale as old as time. Moving on.

Taylor: hottest girl on the show easily, talks about how her dad would kill some of the men she has dated, low-key concerned for her safety and the safety of others.

Theres Joey, the povo as fuck part-time garbage man who spent his last remaining dollars on a gaudy watch. Obviously a very smart investor. Didnt know sent kids on scholarship. Im just happy hes honest about being a garbage man and doesnt try and be like Im a sanitation assistant. Not that any of them know what sanitation means.

Joey is def hot though10/10 would bang, just to get hook up with blue collar worker off my bucket list.

REAL PICTURE OF JOEY:

THE FIRST DATE RULES

Ryan explains about how they do comprehensive interviews and questionnaires to develop and algorithm that eventually finds their match. You know poor Joey didnt know what was happening after comprehensive.

This season, theres another twist: there are 11 guys and 11 girls, but they only get ten chances. Obviously MTV was giving away too much money with this show, so they made more couples. What? Youre thinking it.

For the first date, MTV acted like a bunch of fucking narcs and sent bios to the contestants’ parents so mom and dad can pick who they think is a match. Everyone is like, Mom dont fuck this up for me.

My mom: If you were ever on this show I would literally never acknowledge you again. (Fair enough.)

Joeys mom picks Carolina, whos like okay cool, whatever. She doesnt know hes a garbage man yet, so give her a break.

Hannah’swho is from my hometown, hey girlfamily picks Oswaldo, a self-described horny genius. Welp, I think a line like that means its time for a shot. Brb.

Anyway, Hannah is like I would rather eat my own spleen then date Oswaldo. (paraphrase)

Giannas mom chose Hayden and they start hugging and are like . Fucking spare me. The other fucking losers have to send these couples to the truth booth after their date.

BACK TO THE HOUSE

The castmates get to their dungeon for the next few months and drinks are flowing and shirts are off. I remember my first sip of alcohol.

Cassandra is drunk and is wanting to touch everyones face. She like Im so flirty when Im drunk which is a weird way of saying Im a hoe.

Its Mikes birthday today. Hes like its my birthday so someone fuck me. *plays Birthday Sex* *stares aggressively at all the women*

Mike describes himself as a typical Staten Island boy. His hobbies include moisturizing, mispronouncing half the English language and fapping off to girls who look like Snooki.

Ozzy is a local, so you know he is dirty as fuck. Kathryn goes to Florida State, you know shes hot as fuck, but also borderline brain-dead.

Shes like I WANT TO BE A TEACHER! and its like, sure ya do sweetie, and I want to be a fucking astronaut. Stick to what you know and continue being a TFM girl.

Ozzy and Kathryn both want to be teachers. Snoreeeeee. Shes already like Im in lovewell folks, weve met the stage-5 clinger for the season.

Michael the douchebagnot be confused with Mike, the little man from Staten Islandis laying it on THICK to Taylor and she is not having it. Taylor has officially become my favorite on the show so far.

MICHAEL:Hey pretty lady TAYLOR:Ew seriously? Girls with asses like mine do not talk to guys with faces like yours.

Shes like youre so full of shit and Im like SAY IT LOUDER FOR THE PEOPLE IN THE BACK, TAYLOR.

Hayden and Gianna are talking about how they both have dogs and both like corn and other pretty basic shit and decide theyre going to be together forever.

GIANNA: I breathe air HAYDEN: No way, I breathe air!!!

They both have the flyover state bond, with Hayden being from Indiana and Gianna being from Ohio. Its always cute to see two people from middle America bond and discuss the fact that they fucked the rest of us over. True love.

Everyone is like Hayden and Gianna are a match, even though theyve all known each other for 3 seconds.

Joey the trash man is telling people that hes going to be a carpenter, much like a 3rd grader would say Mommy, Im going to be a superhero! Shannon brings me the biggest laugh of the night by asking him to do her carpets, clearly not knowing what a carpenter is. Shit like that makes me miss my sorority.

Ozzy is chain-smoking and being like I DONT WANT TO BE THE OLD ME. Aka, me on New Years Eve.

Kathryn and Ozzy are drunk as fuck and being flirty and going WE WANT TO HELP KIDS!!!! You stay the fuck away from my future children, Rush-Boobs and Ozzy.

Michael is talking to Gianna and starts telling a sob story about how he was chubby and he blossomed. If I had a nickel for every time I heard that one. No seriously, every fucking season they have one of these guys.

MTV CASTING: Ok we need at least one hick, one former fat dude, one ripped black guy and one oddly feminine guy. Search the fucking country.

Michael starts asking Gianna about her open-heart surgery, gets bored halfway through and just starts sucking her face. Okay. Well that escalated quickly. Quote from mom: He doesnt give a shit about her faulty heart. Hes trying to get laid. Profound.

Rush-Boobs wants to make Ozzy jealous and starts low-key hooking up with Mike. Fantastic logic, cant wait for you to educate our youth.

Then we meet Andre, who has trust issues because the girl he liked since 8th grade literally sat on his friends lap. Meanwhile, Tyrannys boyfriends are having children, but OKAY. #dramatic

Alicia is the perpetual sidepiece, aka every womans enemy.

Ozzy and Kathryn already think they are a match and Ozzy forgive Rush-Boobs for hooking up with Mike because hes a cheater too, so this is karma. Wow, how fucking zen of you.

THE DATE

Hayden dresses in camo for the date and Gianna is like You can take the boy out of Indiana, but you cant make him dress like a normal fucking human.

Its very clear Gianna is over Hayden, whereas Hayden hasnt been this excited since he attended a Donald Trump rally last summer.

GIANNA: FML HAYDEN: *excitedly whispers* Build that wall! Build that wall!

Joey just looks like a trash man, like, just in life. He has resting garbage man face.

Hannah does not like Oswaldo, its very obvious. Shes going to call her parents and demand a raise in her monthly allowance for making her suffer through this bullshit.

Gianna starts kissing Hayden and shes like Ill give him a chance. How fucking noble of you.

Carolina and Joey are talking about their parents and Joey tells her that he would never cheat on a girl and Carolina damn near creams her pants. They kiss and meanwhile the whole audience is wondering does she know hes a trash man? That dramatic irony, doe.

THE TRUTH BOOTH

ShockerHayden and Gianna to the truth booth. Michael is like WE MADE OUT LAST NIGHT but Im not jealous.

MICHAEL: Im not even mad! NARRATOR: Michael was, in fact, very mad.

Ah, but there is a truth booth twist! They can trade in truth booth and add $150,000 to their prize. But if they take the money then Hayden and Gianna can never get sent back together.

The house is torn. Im torn. Im all out of faith, this is how I feel.

*Starts Twitter poll asking people what they would do*

They decide not to take the trade, which my mom and I both agree is stupid.

And lookie here: No match. So thats done.

Michael is thrilled. My mom thinks he looks like a baby rat. Cannot un-see that.

Gianna gives a speech basically saying that she didnt feel it the whole time and everyone is like okay cool thanks for telling us, *whispers* ya fuckin bitch.

We also very quickly meet Kam, who has a rotation of men because #feminism. And Edward, who has a chest tattoo. Thats it for now.

Gianna goes to hang out with Michael and hes over it. He makes her cry, I dont really care, blah blah blah, moves on with life. Gianna and Michael are going to be the annoying couple this season. Buckle up.

MATCH CEREMONY

This season they have the blackout rule again but this time they cut the winnings in half if they blackout. Thats way harsh, Tai.

First is Kam and Eddy. Shes building up her newest rotation.

Taylor picks Tyler, who is hot. Wait what? Why did they not introduce the hot guy? What is this fuckery, MTV? They also sound like they could be identical twins.

Kari, dont know her yet so whatever, picks little man Mike.

Casandra picks Kaylen.

Caroline picks Joey.

Tyranny and Oswaldo. Can I just call you Tee? Im going to call you Tee, because Im one letter away from being low-key fucked up.

Giannas dumb ass is up and shes like I HAVE A GREAT CONNECTION WITH MICHAEL so obviously shes going to pick Ozzy.

Tee and Alicia are pissed and threatening to curb stomp this bitch. Fuck yes, this is what I signed up for. Gianna is like Leave me alone everyone, Im proving this to Michael! Literally all you proved was that youre crazy AND stupid.

Hannah picks Michael.

Alicia picks Andre.

Rush-Boobs picks Derek, who is also hot as fuck. Also, Rush-Boobs laugh reminds me of Kitty from. I know. Its all you can think about now.

Shannon, who btw really needs her carpets cleaned, picks Hayden.

Well this is excitingthey get two matches. Not bad for week one. They dont make me want to kill myselfyet.

Ryan gives the follow your heart speech that we hear every fucking episode and the cast goes back to the house to turn the fuck up.

So far, off to an interesting start. Gotta say, good-looking cast this season. Dumb as rocks, but good-looking. Come back next week to see what other shit I can talk about my peers who are doing far worse than I am. Peace, bitches.

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