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grizzlefur · 7 years ago

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WWEm - A Monopoly On Punching

In case you haven’t noticed, this will prove that Emma is really not very keen on Jerry Lawler.

Transmission date: 28/29/ August 2017

Still doing the thing, still not even vaguely punctual, let's have some SATURDAY AFTERNOON RAW!

cold open on miz and his crew in the ring

and the announcement that we're not having booker tonight

i'd be happy, but it's because of hurricane sandy

and we get lawler instead

fuuuuuuuuck

cries

so later tonight, we have brock existing, alexa/sasha for the belt, and roman/cena contract signing

but now, a miz

and maryse in trousers, of all things

miz gets half a word into whatever he was doing before kurt interrupts everything

miz is not even slightly impressed

kurt is here to semi-apologise about there being no ic title match at slam, but promises one at no mercy

miz responds by defining the word respect

just so kurt knows

and delivers an impassioned speech on behalf of a belt

kurt responds by making a battle royal for a title shot next week

so that's what we're having now

aaaaaaaa

it's the big show

but he's shaved

he looks like somebody inflated kurt

why would this happen

welp, five minutes in and there goes my ability to take this ep seriously

and now the hardyz

one day i will understand the purpose of the toilet paper hanging out of jeff's back pocket

but it is not this day

oh yeah, and the miztourage are in this

and now finn

for fuck's sake, jerry, stop yelping

just turn your mic off and be misogynistic in silence

cole and graves can handle this

does the arms

apparently this is going to be a 15-man fight, but here's an advert break while the rest arrive

myc advert

(hint: watch the mae young classic, it's dope as fuck)

and we're back

with jason jordan entering

now his bad music has some rap over it

also present are goldust, kalisto, curt hawkins, r-truth, apollo crews, elias [NAME] and gallows and anderson

hawkins eliminated by everyone while i type that, because fuck that guy

well of course you had money on curt, jerry

that's because you're a twat

and now everyone turns to the big show

although nobody wants to make the first move

so all the jobbers do so

chaos ensues

the miztourage throw kalisto out

apparently cole hates people having friends

you heard it here first

jerry makes a fart joke, because once again, fuck that guy

big show is just ignoring the rest of the match while he slaps a guitarist

(a guitarist has no name)

the club take show out, with some unexpected rebulletening courtesy of finn bálor

finn gets to do his pin rollout dropkick thing on elias, despite that pin attempt making precisely zero sense

truth gets eliminated because eh

everyone keeps almost eliminating jeff

must be hard for him to actually try and stay in an elevated position

bless

the panel put their money on jj, so let's see how obvious this booking can be

goldust gets eliminated by a combination of gallows, anderson, and his own inability to follow up on moves

ad break, during which apollo eliminated himself by being an idiot

why would you do anything springboarding off the top rope in this match

sigh

matt eliminates gallows with a well-timed shamble, almost gets taken out by anderson

and then they punch the tits off each other on the apron

anderson gets whipped into the ring post and goes out, gallows just rips matt off the apron

miz gets the idea, jumps in to help his minions

memphis is not pleased at the loss of seven deities

thanks for that replay, the camera didn't really show miz's interference there

finn gets to do his usual comeback/grimace sequence

kicks elias off the turnbuckle, but he manages to stay in

slingblades jj, i do my usual pop

faces off with jeff hardy, crowd goes mental

and then gets dropkicked in the dick

which is totally fine if you're jeff hardy

dropkicks him and bo into the corners, everyone is down until wyatt cut bray throws him out

what can you do when your nemesis can teleport

cue finn slumped against the barricade with a face like what the actual fuck

jj does a cool reversal spot, only marred by jeff almost accidentally rolling under his feet, eliminates the miztourage, elias eliminates him, jeff eliminates elias and...wins?

huh

well, i guess they didn't go with the obvious booking

cut to miz, who looks to have had the same reaction

so miz/jeff next week

sure, why not

jeff's just thrilled his music is playing

god, but does jeff love that music

ok, i got a couple of those last eliminations the wrong way round

jj took out elias, was taken out by jeff

thanks replay

jeff is still taking off and putting on random articles of clothing

dude, you wear too many clothes

consider consolidating a bit

you're not a final fantasy character

(full disclosure: i would play the absolute shit out of a ff-style rpg about the hardyz)

(or p much any wwe characters, tbh)

(theres a market, guys, exploit it)

(you don't need people to take your angles at face value any more)

but yeah, here's a video package about the ongoing brauk lesman sitaution

and reminding me how hilarious it was last week

10/10 would watch brock get put through the floor again

so yeah, brock's back tonight

we can only hope it goes as well as last time

but up next, enzo's first cruiserweight match

but first, apparently, charly interviews alexa

who's splashed on a pretty great denim vest

alexa again leans on how sasha can't defend belts

so clearly she will

charly's interview face has crossed the line from 'serious journalist' to 'kind of in love'

and i don't think any of us can blame her

but yeah, here's enzo

time to see if he can actually wrestle

so yeah, spoilers if you don't watch 205, i guess

enzo's a cruiserweight

comes in, does his usual thing

well yeah, jerry, of course you love enzo

that's because you're a twat

enzo reminds us that cass got injured

apparently that's legit?

torn acl, out for months

boo

so yeah, step to enzo and you'll end up accidentally breaking your own knee

unless he's claiming he has some kind of probability powers, that makes no sense at all

mentions mayweather/mcgregor, gets super mixed heat

and apparently he's fighting noam

who he says has two last names?

dude, you're from the northeast, learn some jewish names

noam hasn't got a mic yet, so a trick has officially been missed

his face is very much how the fuck an i the responsible adult in this ring

and then just kicks the fuck out of enzo

pan out to neville watching

or possibly just staring into the middle distance as usual but someone's put a tv in front of him

noam tries to rip enzo's hair out, jerry decides the best use of all our time right now is for him to make fun of neville's hair

enzo does an arm drag headkick thing that he totally got off the mae young classic, and gets a pin that builds no heat whatsoever

well, i guess that happened

and then dabs on him

dude, that gimmick's taken

and now charly's here to ask neville what he thinks of enzo

he's just like hahahahaha fuck seriously?

i'm gonna be champion forever

drops a how you doin, end thing

but next, brock is alive

after we tell you how we win at social media

no, stop introducing jerry

but yes, here we have a bouncing simpleton

also his manager

paul says words, you can all fill in the blank yourself

and then a new section on the theme of how braun's pretty great but brock's still gonna win

paul is the only one left in this company who understands the importance of hyping your opponents, it seems

and also here's a verbal recap of everything's that happened in this angle

"i don't believe in monsters, but i believe braun strowman is one"

that's a sentence that needs some serious philosophical unpacking right there

brock takes paul's mic mid-flow, manages to restrain himself to a "suplex city, bitch", so at least we didn't have to cut it for profanity

drops the mic, paul follows him out like welp guess we're done

but now, here's a seth

just with a solo match for tonight, but dean's here with him anyway

dean gets down to the ring, puts the belt he was carrying on backwards just so he could do the dramatic spin thing

smart money says he'll have taken it off again by the time we get back off this break

but first, an advert for the show we were once upon a time meant to be competing with

ok, no, dean's still got a belt on

jerry, never tell us about total bellas again

on which note, here's a video about the return of cena

which makes total sense in the middle of the intros to this seth/cesaro match

and the package keeps him saying 'certaint'

bless

fuck, this package is long

and there's not even anything i can say about it, because this angle was balls except for cena making fun of people, which has got entirely cut

but finally back to the actual match that's happening now, here are the kkb

i love their entrance, even if it is just their solo entrances bolted together

their jackets have gained some chain epaulette things this week

and were their kilts camo before?

because they are now

not thrilled

pan over to dean hanging off the ropes doing the loser sign and sticking his tongue out

the apex of maturity right there

but now that we're actually in the match, i am a very happy internet person because seth/cesaro is always a great match

casual standing moonsault, why not

i do still kind of miss his heel hair, though

sheamus gets some distraction time by just kind of lurking at ringside and not doing anything

cut to ads, come back on cesaro doing a massive military press/leg drop combo

like i say, this is a good match

apparently seth started the match "like a house of fire [sic]"

shut the fuck up, jerry

seth counters a top rope crossbody into a nearfall and a great enzuigiri, commence to comeback

one day an announcer will pronounce enzuigiri correctly and i can just stop watching forever

cesaro puts seth on the top turnbuckle, then is shocked when he immediately eats a blockbuster

like seriously, watch a match some time

sheamus tries to interfere, dean starts a really awkward brawl, distracts seth long enough for cesaro to hit him with a massive uppercut for the pin

i'll be honest, this feud could run and run and i'd be happy

and now sheamus has a mic

to talk shit and challenge dean to a match RIGHT NOW

which is apparently happening

sure

does kurt just fuck off home after the first hour of the show and leave it to run itself

this match is less technically sparkling, as you might imagine, but scrappier and still fun

sheamus puts a stretch muffler on dean

when the fuck did we last see that move

dean tries to counter out, sheamus just transitions into a cloverleaf

i'd watch submission specialist sheamus

does three beats of the bodhrán before going eh fuck youse

again, puts his opponent on the top turnbuckle then is surprised whren he jumps off

dean counters another bodhrán into a hotshot, but is selling a hip injury hard

sheamus hits white noise from the top rope, dean kicks out because fuck your elevated finisher

brogue countered into dirty deeds countered into getting kicked in the face

cesaro gets up on the apron, seth pulls him off then runs into the ring

ref gets distracted by cesaro following him, seth breaks up a white noise attempt and dean hits dirty deeds for the pin

and now emma's backstage

with mickie, who's continuing to up the Native stuff in her gear

they've got a match later

so lets have a long argument about hashtags

they really need to give emma more to do

mickie takes emma's phone, makes a bet

emma wins, mickie will tweet anything she wants, mickie wins, emma has to stop saying she started the revolution

fuck, that angle's for shit

and now we have a bunch of superstars telling us to donate to the hurricane harvey relief fund, and i have no jokes there

also, i'm reasonably sure i called it hurricane sandy earlier

that was a different thing, and i clearly need to pay attention

and straight from that into burger king giving us a video package about kurt's olympic history

a propos of nothing

but back in the ring, here's mickie and her new headband

WAIT WHAT THE FUCK THEY'VE CHANGED EMMA'S MUSIC FUCK EVERYTHING BURN IT DOWN

seriously

what is this

that was the best music

fuck you, raw

jerry, stop talking about hashtags,you're like 803

and the only thing he can think of to say about emma is making fun of her lipstick

seriosuly, jerry, you're what we had the women's revolution (such as it is) to get away from

and emma gets a rollup out of nowhere for the pin

and they play THE WRONG FUCKING MUSIC

emma gets a mic so she can walk out saying she started the women's revolution three dozen times

so that happened

w/e

but up next, two people you may or may not enjoy do some paperwork

thrilling

after a trailer for the bruce lee film we're producing, seemingly for no other reason than because wwe want a monopoly on punching

but back to the ring, and kurt's back again

here to hype cena/reigns

memphis can't decide which of the two it hates more

cena comes in, hugs lawler

we had such high hopes for you, john

cena's here to talk roman up, presumably because he heard what i said about heyman earlier

claims to "have zero f's to give"

skirting the line, john

does a pithy promo, signs the paper

and here's roman

cole makes the error of asking lawler for an opinion, jerry just flounders for a while while roman sullenly slouches down the ramp

roman starts saying words, memphis immediately commence the booing

roman is basically all i'm not scared you ain't shit

doesn't think he needs to fight cena, drops the undertaker reference to get heat

(it works)

cena sarcastically bends the knee, addresses the concept of him turning heel

and calls roman a "cheap-ass, corporately-created, john cena bootleg"

ouch

maintains that roman is, in fact, a guy

openly pulls out that taker was old, injured, and generally past it

you can poke the mystique if your name's john cena

he is getting enormous pops for just shitting on roman

which is fair

mic passes to roman, who's just like yeah well you suck

cena's like yeah, so does this guy here, but he got a gold medal, so

and now roman's trying to find his second point, not helped by cena taking every pause to be sarcastic and shit on his promo skills in so many words

today's cena is inside baseball cena

shouts "See ya, fourth wall!"

love it

so roman calls him a phony/yes-man/fake bitch

then when he graduates to 'part-timing fake-ass bitch', they actually blank the sound

i love their criteria

roman comes back about cena being part-time and burying upcoming talent to stay on top

say what you will about the people involved, cena has pulled the best promo out of roman in basically ever

roman doesn't want to sully his legacy by chasing cena

so cena calls him a fool

not a thing you hear so often in wrestling

and calls him out for doing the same thing as everyone forever

and congratulates him for cutting a halfway-decent promo after five years

focuses on debunking the rumours of his "mythical golden shovel"

we're back in that rpg

but yeah, points out how he's not nearly as dominant as he used to be and he's been putting new talent over for years

which is true by any objective logic

and he's like yeah i'm only on top because everybody else ain't shit

and i can part-time better than you ever could full-time drops mic

this promo is fire, and memphis loves him

after some more goading, roman finally signs

then flips the table because he's a tool

and now...anderson and gallows are here?

to tell roman and cena they aren't good brothers

gallows's jacket has sprouted some shoulder chains as well

and kurt's like welp, fuck it, tag match

kind of feels like those promos should have just been allowed to breathe on their own rather than going into a largely pointless match

ad break later, cena's in the ring getting beaten on by some bad cousins while roman stands on the apron like oh hey that looks like it hurts

incredibly long headlock by gallows as roman sarcastically calls for the tag

my favourite thing about tag matches is wrestlers lying in the middle of the ring slowly streeeeeeeetching to their partners like they expect to turn into mr fantastic

roman finally gets the tag

and delivers an incredibly shoddy driveby

cena picks gallows up for an aa, then waits for roman to get in position so he can synchronise it with roman hitting a spear for the pin

because before all else, john cena is in service of the show

cena sarcastically applauds as roman's music plays, end segment

but up next, a song

after this smackdown ad, at least

and an nxt ad about the roh invasion

but yes, here he is

wearing obnoxious sunglasses

just does a blues break for no particular reason before doing his spiel

namechecks dusty, memphis don't even react

sort it out, guys

apparently dusty called him the elvis of the wwe

[citation needed]

lawler interrupts his song about how memphis is shit

to say the crowd are pleased would be underselling it a bit

i, on the other hand, fill up slightly more with bile every time lawler says words

and he's brought out pelvis wesley

(for those of you who don't watch southpaw regional wrestling or havent done the wrestling, it's heath slater dressed as elvis)

(i should really watch them)

starts a weird dance-off with elias, who then just kicks him in the crotch

seems reasonable

kicks him around a bit, then hits drift away and stands on him for a bit

that bullshit aside, it's main event time

corey, you don't need to tell us about sasha not defending the belt again

the point has been made

but before that, the myc ad again

watch the myc: it's better than 90% of the shit on this show

but before the match, let's shill jerry's club

and run replays of the battle royal from earlier

and now here's miz and guests backstage

renee's here to get his thoughts

(spoiler: he's not impressed)

objects to it taking one match to get a title shot, flounces off

and now we have charly backstage with sasha

they've changed her hair, and i don't like it

tl;dr: alexa ain't shit and sasha plans to win

in the ring, here's alexa

and the camera focuses for a weirdly long time on some guy with a BLISS IS BELT-LESS sign

if there's a joke in there, i don't get it

but now a burger king ad with the kkb bickering

but agreeing on burgers

sure, whatever

and another hurricane harvey appeal

wow, they're putting everything into the pre-main event buffer

and an ad for a pointless 6-man tag on 205

i'm sure there was a main event on its way, but it's faded into the mists of time

right, here comes sasha, so it'll only be another half dozen adverts before the match starts

aaaaaaand here we go

alexa kicking off with a rollup because fuck the fans

(it doesn't take)

wow, yeah, they've both just decided to go into finishes right away

at this rate, the finish'll be a side headlock

this match is just sasha beating on her, so it's looking good for alexa

double knees to the outside

ish

didn't really connect properly

shockingly, alexa turns it round in the ad break

sorry, jerry, when you try and sell the prestige and importance of a women's title it just makes me giggle

also, i hate you

alexa gets sasha in a really nasty half-bow and arrow hold, just sits there for a while

they are still committing to going for the cheap pin wherever possible

right up until alexa just punches sasha in the face and does a flip piledriver

which doesn't get as much of a reaction as it should have

sasha kicks out, because alexa needed a chance to throw a tantrum

even as enormously long superplex setups go, that could have done with a kick up the ass

ended up with a lovely spot that looked no fun for sasha at all, but still

alexa crawls over for the pin, sasha gets the bank statement out of nowhere

alexa manages to roll over it and hit a brutal lifting ddt for the pin

did somebody need a new mat finisher

so yeah, the belt gets passed again

does the raw women's belt have some kind of bottle imp thing going on

nia comes in to raise alexa's hand and beat some more shit out of sasha

carries alexa around the ring a bit

and then backdrops her into oblivion

the crowd loves it, because there are few things wrestling fans like more than betrayal

brandishes the belt a bit, then walks up the ramp so she can deathstare the ring as we fade

so that was an odd episode

for segment quality, you had a stark choice between great (the contract signing, weirdly enough), ass (mickie/emma, jerry the walking trashfire lawler), and ??? (jeff hardy has an ic title match)

well, that's wrestling, i guess

up next, the same but blue

but first, after a protracted absence during the hiatus, there's another dazzling return to watch

friends and fans, your friend and mine, the horizontal line

-------------------------------

damn, but it's good to see you again, line

best timeskip mechanism since the text crawl right there

but now that we're done getting reacquainted, let's get down to brass tacks

and by 'brass', i mean SUNDAY EVENING

and by 'tacks' i mean SMACKDOWN!

(shut up, you think of a better segue)

but yes, here it is, the unfolding conspiracy that is kevin owens' life

just watch, he'll have a pinboard full of string this week

straight in, announcing orton/nakamura v jinder/rusev for the main event

why?

apparently it was just announced

but here in the arena, it's the the singhs

and their boss, natch

i will keep maintaining that this is just aj's music in punjabi until someone steps to my headcanon

and then i will fire back with my headcannon

#gpoy

away from my raving and magrittening, we get a recap of shinsuke fucking up the singhs last week

and sunil/samir tapping to a hold that did not yet exist

one day i'll be able to tell them apart

who am i kidding, i still can't tell jimmy and jey apart 70% of the time

and now jinder says words

little rock do not care for him

or randy, by the sound of it

weird

oh, apparently now he's a representative of all of asia

somewhere shinsuke's like ano

usa chants start the noment he mentions asia, because fucking murica

jinder highlights the very real problem of racial discrimination in public services, gets booed

pronounces 'revered' to rhyme with 'severed'

fucking boo him for that, if you need something

jinder says someone has to pay the price, the singhs immediately start thundering out the apologies

apologising to the entire population of asia

while getting all teary

jinder is not the best actor in this ring

the crowd are just getting into sunil (i think)'s performance

samir (maybe) says he can somehow promise shinsuke will never touch jinder again

gets annoyed because arkansas are not taking their public apologies seriously

only made more difficult by them begging to kiss his feet

"...Really?"

for once i agree with you, john

they don't quite get there before the best music not played by a midi synth hits

oh look, an asian man

i'm sure he's thrilled to have the singhs speak for him

they form a barricade between shinsuke and jinder, he just pushes them out of the way like why the fuck are you even here

and brawl commences

all three of them swiftly dogpile shinsuke

and i am mostly distracted by their ugly sky-blue shirts

oh hey, here's randy

and rusev, who has figured out the element of surprise comes from not having your music and lights hit every time you enter the room

thanks to such devious tactics, randy gets kicked out of existence and shinsuke takes a khallas

end thing

later tonight, aj tries to do an open challenge again

can't see it going well

but next, and which should go far better, american alpha 2.0 have a match

hyped for this

but first, the myc ad again, and i kind of could rewatch the first round

announcement: next week, randy/shinsuke for a title shot

for whatever reason

it's not like they've actually done much to earn it

cut back to the ring, the ascension are already here

remember when they got to win at things?

and here come benjamin and gable

as they are being called

and they have new music, which is a shame as i fucking loved the american alpha music

not as bad as emma's, though

still p decent, is the difference here

starting off with gable/viktor

aka chad gable reminds you that you love chain wrestling

shelton tags in, let's see how this goes

overhead butterfly suplex, can't for the life of me think who i last saw using that

chad gets thrown out of the ring, ugly landing

cut to ads, chad gets slapped around a bunch

i think the real question here is will your finisher be anywhere near as sweet as grand amplitude

or have an even more randomly-generated name

hot tag to shelton, who is, as it happens, still p good

hits a top rope clothesline into a massive jumping ddt for the pin

the internet assures me it's a leaping reverse sto

notable for being a) basically the same fucking thing, and b) not quite grand amplitude

but yeah, cautiously hype

and later we have new day/usos, with the winner picking the stipulation for their title rematch

so expect weirdness

but next, aj v mystery guest

and here's baron backstage

no reason

renee comes to ask him how he feels about "squandering" his briefcase

baron is pissed about her word choice and cena fucking off to raw

oh yeah, forgot baron was promised a spot in the open challenge

or was he

ambiguous wording is the booker's friend

but first, hurricane harvey appeal with the smackdown roster

including ziggler

you'd think they'd just have the faces on it

and now an advert for total bellas

smackdown continues to have a tenuous relationship with the word 'next'

ok, here we are

they don't want none, which will make this open challenge awkward

they love them some aj styles down in little rock

does his cena-lite intro while reminding us that kevin isn't allowed into the picture

and here's...tye?

you, sir, are no baron corbin

but sure, why not

he's not got his ppv disco vampire coat on, so take that as you will

and here comes a man who very much is baron corbin

scuffle ensues

and baron learns a valuable lesson about turning up to shit on time

aj punches baron in the face, tye gets in the ring, bell is rung

that bell has the power of a god

incredibly fast-paced fight ensues, ending in about two minutes with tye tapping to a calf crusher

seriously, that was like it was on fast forward

baron throws tye into the barricade, takes a phenomenal forearm for his trouble

and throws a tantrum and ringside

baron corbin is very much the male alicia fox

aj just stands there with the belt like what up

and now jinder talks to rusev in the locker room

jinder does a speech about nationalism, rusev's just like stfu, i don't like you but i hate these guys more

let's fuck them up so i can take your belt

but up next, booby rooooooooo

cut back from ads, the kanellises are here

we have been deprived most of their awesome trash music

speaking of whGLORIOUS

bobby comes down in his sparkly dressing gown, starts doing a flair strut

what a twat

love that gregg gets in on it, announcing him as BOBBY ROOOOOOOOoooooooood

best ring announcer in the company right there

wow, mike is wearing some truly eye-bleeding hot pink tights

and wasn't he feuding with sami five seconds ago?

bobby has already said 'glorious' four times

maybe stop it and wrestle

mike deploying his unique fighting style of 'just punch them in the face a lot'

bobby does a top rope blockbuster, because this is apparently a thing he does now

and glorious dt for the pin

that match joins the illustrious roster of ones this episode that have certainly happened

and bobby stands on the corner like look at my weird triceps for a while

but now, kevin is backstage

byron like welp we were meant to have a mach next but guess kevin's coming

cut from ads, and here are aiden english, his pipes, and his john lennon shades

but not for long, as we hit the kevining

aiden's stood there like excuse you peasant

kevin opens by assuring him that nobody in arkansas has the cultural erudition to appreciate him, so he should just go

works surprisingly well

kevin is pissed because of the ref shenanigans last week/in this whole angle

have a long vt of said topic

mostly notable for shane's facial expressions and a+ powerslide

kevin appeals to the legitimacy and logic of the wrestling referee's profession

it's apparently the first anniversary of kevin winning the universal belt

and he's like well this would have never happened on raw why am i on this trash show

criticises shane for shamelessly abusing his own power, i can't argue

oh hey, here's shane to shamelessly abuse his power

and get cheap pops

shane's like hey dude don't blame me for your poor life choices

now please leave my ring we don't want to hear you talk more

and aiden, get back in, your fighting sami

and here he is

kevin's stomped off to take a spiot on announce, so everything is good

immediately picks a fight with byron

sami is taking remarkably little abuse to gather the power to overcome aiden english

we should use that as a metric for power levels

kevin despairs at the poor performance apparently displayed by the ref, so he gets in the ring, steals the man's shirt and declares himself the ref

sure, that's totally how it works

sami stops fighting to be like what the actual fuck is your problem, gets unsurprisingly blindsided

and then powerbombed by kevin

aiden's like sure whatever, goes for the pin

kevin counts at the speed of sound, end match

ooh, aiden's got his solo music back

so drama

kevin gives the ref his shirt back, swags off

up next, that tag match before the tag match

after this ad for jeff hardy having an ic title shot, just in case you'd convinced yourself that was a dream

and now burger king tells us how great sergeant slaughter was

would pribably be even more popular today, which is something of an indictment

and now, renee interviews shane

he's like that match never happened, i'm going after kevin, talk among yourselves

and now dasha interviews dolph

guys, learn what 'next' means

dolph is not in fact unveiling his new thing this week because fuck arkansas

but here, have a standard ziggler-issue rant

proposes he should ride a motorbike to the ring playing a double-neck guitar

hey, i'd watch it

steps to finn's charisma

fuck you, dolph

dolph enigmatically promises something for next week, end thing

and now here are the usos

and a replay of their summerslam match, tom actually makes the mistake of mentioning that it as basically the best match on the show, even though it was on the kickoff

e's pouring cereal over the fans again

seems like it's been a while

xavier's got a kneebrace on, but more conspicuous than that is the massive IT'S SORE sign round his neck

like, it seems like you should notice these things in the opposite order

the last ref was apparently too traumatised to continue, since we've got charles in now

cut to ads, and we come back on jimmy already shitkicking big e because fuck you, tv audience

kofi tags in to do some standard gravity-fucking shit

fuck it, this match is moving far too fast for me to narrate

tbf, that's been true of p much every match tonight

does the smackdown editing staff have even more add than usual

and dirty rollup by jimmy for the pin

end thing, apparently

dasha tries to introduce carmella for an interview, ellsworth's like um no and does it himself

asks her her plans, she's like nope i am never telling you secrets again

throwaway line about ellsworth stealing flowers from a funeral hiome

nattie turns up, promises to make carmella the baron corbin of the women's division

makes a match for next week, ellsworth like oh cool next week, well in that case shutting up

and then naomi turns up to announce a title rematch in a fortnight

fuck, this is moving fast

and up next, fashion files season 2 begins

breather while this myc advert happens

but actually now, lana is here?

what the fuck is going on with this episode

she's here to do a dodgy hyperbolic intro for tamina

greeted by little rock with a resounding piss break

oh, and here's a jobber

tina stock, we hardly knew ye

lana's doing the manager barking orders thing, but with a mic so none of us can avoid it

tells tamina to crush, this was apparently some kind of trigger word, because she goes berserk

and one superkick later, end match

with loads of super ugly bumps packed into its 90 seconds

and lana's got her girl some paparazzi

well this is weird

also, tamina, that cravate throw is totally nia's thing, get your own

and now, fashion files

and its early 90s credits

still not starring chuck norris

fashion files: back 2 basics

dango's stacking boxes with all their shows in

tyler proposes a vacation together, dango's like nope

tyler unveils the new gadgets from the lab

including some headphones, a blacklight, friendship bracelets, and a belt

this is really cute

tyler kills the lights so he can play with the blacklight

finds a circle of arrows on their old files, gets stuck for a while

and then a hidden message

Two B Or Not Two B

which variously leads them to shinsuke, aiden english, and bob ross

they roll out, dango puts a second pair of sunglasses on and clips another to his shirt

but up next, the main event

but of course, we have some ads before that, because otherwise you wouldn't recognise smackdown

including the raw version of the hurricane appeal, for some reason

someone's getting fired

and an ad for 205 live, with a disembodied voice doing it instead of a semi-bothered wrestler for once

back from ads, and we've missed most of shinsuke's entrance

this will not stand

but to be fair, we've also missed all of the heels'

randy gets a full intro though

were they just ranked in terms of how close to arkansas their home town is?

barely gets in the ring before brawling breaks out

given every other segment in this show, i expect the main event to last about 2.6 minutes

and they start the match during yet another break

seriously, smackdown does not give a shit for you, tv viewer

and by 'you' i very much mean 'me'

but clearly we needed to see this long-ass headlock

this match is actually moving at a speed i can narrate, but i also don't give a shit

randy spinebusters jinder on the barricade, gets massive pops because douchebag face v foreigner

the singhs interfere because randy and jinder only have one match, and they want rusev and shinsuke to get out of the way so they can do it

byron claims rusev had a statue of himself built in his hometown

huge if true

jbl responds by casually claiming to have had a bunch of statues made of himself

horrifying if true

jinder tags in to switch his long-ass headlock for a long-ass hammerlock

got to keep your moveset diverse

shinsuke gets a hot tag off jinder basically deciding to break his own shoulder on the post

the match turns into just shinsuke/rusev, which it should really stay

so much more promise there

naturally, jinder reappears as i type that

randy takes him out with the draping ddt, kinshasa to rusev for the win

i was exaggerating before, but not by much

that match was officially short as fuck

awkward randy/shinsuke faceoff ensues

they both grin, respect is given, aaaaand rko because randy is fundamentally a tool

crowd are not sure how to take this

love american man but also love charisma for miles, what do

well, that episode...certainly happened

from a raw highlighted by a contract signing to a smackdown featuring tyler breeze accidentally hypnotising himself

what a time to be alive

#WWE #WWE Raw #wwe smackdown #Wrestling

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