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pyjamaart · 9 months ago

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Breaking Bot (read more for some rambling about mega man fully charged)

Mega Man Fully Charged has been on my mind again lately, which made me realize that there's literally a robot named Chemistryman who worked as a chemistry teacher. Not using him as a Walter White stand-in would be a criminal offense.

I'll have to admit I started getting back into Fully Charged again after seeing some asshole on twitter complain about the character design for the hundredth time. I just can't stand that kind of negativity. I swear to god, Fully Charged is like the Sonic Boom of the Mega Man franchise. Personally, I really enjoy the FC designs. I've probably said this before, but I feel like the redesigns give some of the more forgettable robot masters way more character. Like, do I care for Classic Drillman from Mega Man 4? I mean, yeah, I do, but I wouldn't care as much if it wasn't for his Fully Charged incarnation.

I also really enjoy most of the original robot masters. I already talked plenty about Blastowoman and why I love her so much, but I want to talk about the others this time.

Take for example Chemistryman. Comparisons to Walter White out of the way, I feel like his character was a really fun idea. God knows I had teachers who put me to sleep back in the day. For me, it wasn't chemistry though, it was my economics teacher. I always compared her to a story teller at a Christmas market who would read children stories out of her big fairy tale book. Only that in reality, it was stuff like the minimization/maximization principle. Most of my notes for that class were incomprehensible chicken scratch, because I just couldn't keep my eyes open. In the end, I slept through like half her classes, lol. But I gotta say that I still always got a B or higher in the end. Somehow. I thank god every day that I never have to step foot in a school again.

I really wish Chemistryman got a little more time to shine though. Two episodes is just way too little. I would gladly take three more episodes with him over those gross Gutsman episodes. I know I love talking about wasted potential with this show, but I wish there was an episode that focused on Chemistryman outside of the school setting. I get that his whole character is "boring, bitter teacher", but I'd really like to see what he gets up to when he's not trying to force children to listen to his chemistry lectures. Like having Aki try to talk him into going into retirement for good. And then he tries to find hobbies for him so that he doesn't bore himself to death. I can see him getting into building model ships or something like that, lol.

Now that I'm already writing up a storm again, I might as well talk about some other headcanons I have about the FC bots. Since Woodman was in sleep mode for 30 years after the war ended (I don't know where I got that number from. I rewatched his debut episode, but the exact number doesn't appear anywhere. Oh well, let's just pretend this is canon, even if it isn't.) we got kind of a Shadow the Hedgehog type situation on our hands. All of his friends and family got to live their lives in this new, peaceful world of harmony between robots and humans, while Woodman spent 30 years powered down in a bush or something. Completely forgotten about. Like, why didn't they go look for him after the war ended? I don't think Aki and Suna wandered that far into the forest for their school assignment. If you really think about Woodmans back story for a moment, you realize how fucked up it actually is.

Now my explanation for this goes into heavy heavy headcanon territory. When Suna calls the principal about Woodman, he warns her that Woodman is dangerous and to get away from him immediately. Now why would he say that? The principal also calls him "ruthless" in that same explanation. What I think happened back then was that Woodman actually planned to assassinate the human armies leader. (Possibly Sgt. Night?) The leader of the robots caught wind of his plan and put him into sleep mode himself, since he and Dr. Light were on the brink of finding a way to end the war peacefully. In my mind, this leader is the FC version of Swordman. Don't ask me why, he was just the first guy I thought of. And then it just stuck.

I know this makes Woodmans back story even more fucked up, but I just love putting my favorite blorbos through hardship. Don't even ask me about my headcanons for Drillman. They'd actually put me in prison.

Now all this culminates after Woodman is reactivated by Suna and Aki. Finding himself alienated from all his former friends and comrades (Maybe the other Mega Man 2 robot masters?), what was he supposed to do? He couldn't spend the rest of his life isolated (and homeless) in the forest, could he? And this is where season 2 could have delivered. But I'm done whining about that. If Capcom doesn't deliver, I gotta write my own season 2. Simple as that.

Anyway, getting back to Chemistryman, since he's pretty old, I imagine that he was already working as a teacher when Woodman was still around. Maybe he even was his teacher at some point.

And since I love having my favorite characters interact, I also thought of a scenario where Drillman wanders into the forest out of frustration over his miserable life, only to meet Woodman by coincidence. In the end, Woodman helps him work through his daddy issues and his body dysmorphia, while Drillman helps Woodman reintegrate and manage this (for him) completely new world of peace. Another great headcanon of mine is that Chemistryman is actually Acidmans father. Just because I think it would be funny. And as Fully Charged has confirmed: robots in that universe do indeed have parents. (Flashback to the time I drew Dr. Light beating the shit out of Drillman's father)

Speaking of Drillman.... For being one of my favorite Mega Man characters of all time, I haven't drawn him nearly enough. That will probably be my next project.

This might also be a great time to tell you that I've never watched Breaking Bad before, lol. Everything I know about it comes from RTGame's Stardew Valley playthrough and the RTVS Half Life parody.

Sorry for all the yapping. But if I don't talk about robots at least once a day, I might die. This is a serious condition.

#megaman #mega man #mega man fully charged #acidman #acid man #chemistry man #chemistryman #im just gonna add my essays under the read more from now on hehe #the funny crossover you never know you needed #i am very normal about the fully charged bots #should i also tag woodman and drillman? eeeh no

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dana-chan-the-control-brain · 1 year ago

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Hello! I know you're one of the people who ship Moon and Solar (TSAMS) And y'all have gotten me into the ship as well! XD I'm not caught up on the lore of the show(s) So i haven't even seen Solar IN SHOW before (i am very behind to before Lunar was Sun and Moons brother :' D) But I have some ideas I'm debating writing for the ship buttt....I have no clue how Canon Solar acts??? Do you know if theres somewhere I could find a Summary on his personality? (and I suppose...new Moon?) I'll probably unintentionally make them OOC...never written for anything TSAMS related, but i'll try!

And is there a ship names thats...like used for them instead of Solar X Moon or is it just called that?

Anywho, I hope you have a good day/night!!! You make awesome stuff! (And I know theres been some people making drama over the ship, I hope you don't let them get to you too much tho!! <3 /P)

🦈Anon

AWESOME!

Heheheh. Thank you. I've been shipping these two since June 2023 so I'm glad I can share the brainrot and some people are more welcoming and cool then I expect. (mostly the ones who can't think critically are the youtube audience but that's expected. Since a lot of the youtube target audience are... like.. minors or really young adults who can't conceive the concept.)

I rewatch that Episode where Solar changes his name and rebuilds the Daycare in a week just for Moon constantly cause it's just... so much admiration and appreciation Moon has for Solar in that episode. I swear I don't know if it was a flub on the actor's part... but I swear Moon calls him 'sexy' as he's dragging him to charge. the stock sound effect of "OOOOH" doesn't help my APD and I've listened so many times and I have no possible idea what Moon could be saying to Solar other then 'come here you stupid, sexy-...." (trails off) sooo... idk. I might have misheard that severely but that's just what I'm hearing.

Like, in terms of New Lore of the show, it gets pretty complicated.

So complicated in fact, TSAMS themselves released a new video on the subject.... But it's NOT a very good guide, as it misses a lot of things. (and no I don't mean the stupid guest cameo stuff) this is more or less an abridged take on what happens with no emotional impact:

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Like, this is a good starting point if you want the barest of bones, but it misses so much stuff. I think they don't even mention how Solar gets introduced into this family. lol. Just like "yeah Im here and I helped kill Eclipse" fheahehf. It's a super well made video though, and I don't mind the editing mistakes (clearly when the actors change the avatar on screen.... whoops. Happens a few times)

There is also the Fan Wiki, but as of now, it is incomplete, (@twinanimatronics is working tirelessly on updating the wiki and I wish they got more reconignition from the tsams community as a whole ) but it does give a decent look into Solar

There is also the huge TSAMS Lore Document, which Ceph(twinanimatronics) also worked on which contains a further detailed explanation of the story so far, for those who don't have time to watch 2 years worth of youtube content that aren't in a concrete playlist. (TSAMS. PLAYLIST YOUR STUFF PROPERLY. YOU HAVE TWO YEARS OF LORE HERE)

Liike.... yeah... this is okay but like..

This is VRchat. Aka the lore. Which also includes when they play videogames in VRchat, which don't impact the story... Like Uno, Amongus and SCP stuff.....

And it doesn't divide the arcs. Something that TSAMS severely needs more then any other SB Show channel.

Also, in the early days, the gameplay videos USED to be part of the lore. As the concept of Eclipse itself, being a rouge evil ai that lived in Sun's head (as it was presented initially but we know the truth it was the killcode moon planted in Sun when they separated.)

These days, they kinda dropped the gameplay videos being directly connected to the over arching plot. Other then just saying that their vids are pre-recorded or "we're back" after an annual halloween takeover.

Not to mention... When Earth and Lunar got a show, they became intertwined with the Sun and Moon show. LAES is very much it's own thing, but it's the ONLY Security Breach Show that consists of two Original Characters spawned from the Sun and Moon show. A rarity. So their lore continues off from the Sun and moon show, giving more info on Lunar these days and Earth (their sister)

Then you have the Monty and Foxy show (which is my least favorite of the shows... Personal Preference. I try not to complain cus I know some people like it. But I do not like the plot points in that show, or the character writing and weird directions they take while being connected to the same universe.)

And Monty is a character voiced by Davis, who also voices Sun. So Monty started out as a prominent character on the Sun and Moon Show, and then got his OWN show... at a point in TSAMS history after Eclipse got the star and killed Lunar.

So yeah. I wish the playlists were better organized here. So we knew when each era starts.

(people say Matpat should get on this show lore... And noooooooo no thanks. Keep him away. We got you covered. Ceph honestly has enough info to make a video guide at this point.)

But long story short, Solar is a "Good Eclipse" from another dimension that the Old Moon introduced to Lunar, when Lunar was struggling with his trauma of leaving Eclipse. Good Eclipse and Lunar become friends.

Anyway, here are some key episodes that outline NewMoon and Solar's relationship, as Solar had never met the Old Moon.

Old Moon had never met Solar. It was New Moon who introduced himself to Solar to help defeating Eclipse once and for all. (and by this point lunar had died)

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He was actually surprised that this Moon was a chill Moon and could be reasoned with and talked to, considering he was living a rather oppressive life from his own Moon.

There's also a whole episode saga of just these two bantering and talking while they work on the satellite together. I can't remember which specific episodes those are.

You can also see the difference between the Evil Eclipse and Good Eclipse here in one of my all time favorite episodes:

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Moon saving Solar's life: (also the death of the bad Eclipse)

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Everything is good and happy after Eclipse dies for awhile. (aside of Ruin and Bloodmoon wrecking shit) He goes back to his own dimension... and you get to see what his sad life is like:

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From his Moon calling him "byproduct" and failure very often.

But... Something happens and Solar is forced to come to Moon's dimension

here's Solar at his poor little meow meow "I have nowhere to go" stage and just... thought to go to Moon immediately due to their history.

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Moon's only question about Solar moving in, is that if he wanted him to blacklist his dimension once he heard what was going on with his Moon.

And immediately, Solar jumps in to help Moon with his problems.

Also during the halloween takeover part 2 electric boogaloo, Solar was the one to help get Sun and Moon back after being teleported to a different dimension with no hopes of returning

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Also, after Ruin was cured and Bloodmon ran off, Solar rebuilt the ruined Daycare in a week. And Moon is so grateful for it. (i rewatch this episode a lot. It cemented the ship in my mind and built the commodity that they've been building up for months)

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We also get what Solar's daily life is like so far... How out of place he feels, being someone from a different dimension, despite the Brothers (and sister's) insistence, he still doesn't really feel like he's part of the family. He feels like an outsider. (He also has less opportunities to hang out with Lunar. As he expressed interest in playing games with him like the good old days, and as of recently, they have not yet)

also a good example of the Celestial family changing minds on family dynamics because they are robots. Lunar flat out rejected Vegeta-Animatronic is his brother even if he technically is. Like, they're robots. They can change their relationships to each other based on their word. I like to see it more flexible then it is in reality with actual people/humans.

Moon also trying to make Solar feel comfortable and feel like he's adjusting well here. Expressing his concern for him doing so much for him and his family. And hoping to not pressure him into so much work.

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As of recently, his Sun died, and he killed his Moon. And in his therapy session (on the Lunar and Earth Show) he expressed regret over "Leaving" them...

But he has not properly told anyone about this.

My reasoning is that he probably thinks that the family will jump on the chance to call him "Evil" .....They don't have good luck with Eclipses.... and every Eclipse they met other than him has been Evil. (that must weigh on you. Every version of yourself is deemed as evil across every dimension. You are the only good one. Maybe there is something wrong with you)

I'm already at the video limit, but on Lunar and Earth show, there is an interesting episode where Lunar goes into Solar's head, and his mindscape looks like the Willy Wonka TV room, because it was a movie he watched with his Sun before they separated and Sun died. Showing that he did care about his Sun a whole lot... Which is probably why he doesn't interact with our Sun that much alone.

He also compartmentalizes everything before he can feel emotions, playing his own memories in third person as if he's not experiencing them.

Not to mention, he organizes and separates his thoughts on NewMoon and HIS Moon, just so he won't associate the two.

I also missed what episode it was, but Solar is always the first to call Moon out when he's being angry, or irrational, and Sun admits in his therapy session, that Solar is the only person who can calm Moon down. (mainly cus he's used to it, but unlike his old moon, this moon listens)

Anyway...

I love Solar a lot, can you tell?

#danachan's replies #danachan's asks #solarmoon #solar x moon #Solar analysis

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basu-shokikita · 1 year ago

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Your skwistok duel rants have actually made me ship them. I've been rewatching the series and I'm starting to see more sparks than I did on my first couple watches. Any other big series moments that have you seeing more of their compatibility?

ahhh really?? that's so nice to hear ;o; i love my silly boys

hmm well, tbh skwisgaar accepting toki into the band was what sold me out on skwistok for good. but it's exactly because it explained EVERYTHING for me. before watching dsr i liked skwistok but i was convinced it was a one-sided deal on toki's part. but once that we were shown that it was skwisgaar who welcomed him into dethklok, that it was skwisgaar and skwisgaar only who wanted him in it i was like oh shit...he loves him back....

so rewatching the series with this origin story in mind, made me see them under a new light, particularly when it came to skwisgaar. whereas before i saw skwisgaar being uncaring of toki, i was now realizing that he did care, he just had a shitty way of showing it. he's a tough love kinda guy. yet, he's still a bit possessive of him and pretty protective for his cold bitch standards.

but anyway for skwistok moments that i find important in no order:

skwisgaar's weird jealous tantrum when he walks into toki and his guitar teacher in dethlessons. it's fucking hysterical but i'm also fascinated with the way it's framed like toki is cheating on skwisgaar. which skwisgaar definitely thought, by the way. yes, he was worried about toki becoming better than him but imo he was also upset about toki having a guitar bond with anyone that wasn't him. and hey, after the duel? it makes total sense.

skwistok drunk driving and shooting at the beginning of dethrace. i've already talked about how funny it is to me that skwisgaar was doing that with toki but mostly i think it speaks miles about the both of them that they chose each other to go fuck around and break the law. like, these guys are actually close???

in the same vein, skwistok pranking murderface in prankklok. the way toki lies in skwisgaar's bed so comfortably, like he's been there soo many times that it's essentially his room too. his two little feet dangling in the air, silly laugh while listening to skwisgaar on the phone. it's so fucking cute they love each other's company so much

the infamous 'stop copies me' from dethcarraldo. not only does it send me to tears everytime but it showcases their competitive nature in a way that i find both endearing and cute. i mean, toki repeating everything skwisgaar says and refusing to acknowledge it??? and skwisgaar acting like an offended child about it?? these guys share the braincell, how can you ever separate them?

toki dressing up as skwisgaar in the dethklok tribute band. stealing his clothes. acting stupid when skwisgaar pointed it out. looking absolutely elated when he was called skwisgaar skwigelf in that shitty club. shit out of a fanfic i swear. and then not only that but skwisgaar being fine with being toki in the tribute band?? you guys get a room my god

toki hitting skwisgaar the most in doublebookedklok* considering charles said toki was hitting his bandmates cause he wanted their attention...does it mean he wants skwisgaar's attention the most? look, it might be obvious by this point but having the narrative acknowledge that toki not only idolizes skwisgaar but wants his attention...

the unforgettable, the iconic 'i'll sees you in vallhaska' scene from the s1 finale. i feel like it truly bares skwistok's dynamic to its core. skwisgaar unable to say goodbye properly, so he tells him he'll see him again. toki unable to admit how he really feels about skwisgaar so he says he hates him. skwisgaar smiling because he KNOWS that's not what toki really meant. peak romance right here

skwisgaar actually trying to save toki in bookklok. it's played for the laughs but i can't stop thinking of how skwisgaar genuinely thought toki was going to die and, despite toki essentially ruining his life, he didn't hesitate to run and try to save him. 'comes back to me toki' lives rent free in my mind like what the hell was that. what in the WORLD. was that. jesus christ. how could they end the ep like this really

the entirety of the staresdown. skwistok canon, i'm afraid

last but not least i'd say the entirety of army of the doomstar tbh. it might not be focused on skwistok but the skwistok moments we got out of it were GOLDEN. narrative wise i give a special shoutout to toki carrying skwisgaar on his back + giving him his guitar cause he knew skwis needed it. the amount of love and concern in here. that's his beautiful guitarist wife that he adores.

these are the big moments of the top off my head but really it is about the details with them. a lot of nuances in their relationship are kinda lost to the background because it's not their dynamic that carries the plot, so you just gotta focus on them haha. for example one of my subtle faves is toki going catatonic in dethfam and skwisgaar going 'what?? you're not talking to me??' because like. damn this bitch can't handle his little guy not talking to him for 5 seconds. talk about being codependent

anyway, i hope i answered your question somehow anon ✌️

*upon rewatching doublebookedklok, i've realized toki hits murderface just as much as he does skwisgaar but my point still stands. at the very least skwisgaar is one of the members toki wants the most attention from

#asks #metalocalypse #toki wartooth #skwisgaar skwigelf #skwistok #i was feeling kinda down and seeing this ask made me smile :))#so thank you #also sorry for going off probably fjhsdjd

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harseer · 8 days ago

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Recurtains on Assassination Classroom

I first watched Assassination Classroom 6 or 7 years ago. All i remembered from it was an overwhelming feeling of bitterness. As i rewatched it yesterday, i found myself thinking "hey, this is not that bad" and "i've seen more anime now, there's a lot i wasn't able to appreciate back then". And yet, now that all is said and done, i don't feel any less bitter. The "overwhelming" part is what's changed, i've seen more premises squandered, more endings pathetically fumbled, especially in shonen. This sort of stuff is just par for the course now. But the bitterness didn't go away.

I actually think Assassination Classroom has good themes and overall narrative. Really good themes, in fact. Too good themes. "Children need to grow up and be educated in a safe environment where they feel they feel valued and are motivated by their own intrinsic interest", the whole "prepare them for life, don't throw them into it", it's great. It's incorporated in unique ways in most characters throughout the entire show. But… The show is called "Assassination Classroom". I came here to see assassination, not just some kids being overprotected by a benevolent omnipotent giant octopus. The entire reason why the show happens is that Koro decided "I'm going to stop killing and try to use my skills for good instead". If the kids are put into danger or risk too often, at some point the viewers would ask "aren't they going through this much danger only because Koro decided to teach them?" and at that point the themes would shatter. So the kids are only allowed to ever really use their training in a few select arcs, otherwise Koro or Karasuma are always there to single handedly save the day. By the second half of season 2 the kids are completely pulling their punches and aren't even trying to kill Koro anymore. So where is the Assassination at that point? They should've just called it "Classroom".

This ultimately culminates in the ending which goes by with the kids doing absolutely jack shit for the whole arc. Koro is cool, but he wasn't who the story was about. It was about the kids, about them getting picked up from a bad spot, discovering themselves and finding their path in life. And yet in that final arc they did absolutely nothing. Actually, they took down the japanese military, who were literally just guarding the perimeter and then they just watched as Koro battled a giant monster all by himself. They didn't even cheer for him or anything, just stood there, mouth open, thinking "damn, we suck". The only one who tried anything was Kaede who went "yo, watch this" and then immediately got impaled with almost comedic timing. Congratulation Kaede, you at least tried. The bad guy's entire motivation was just being an asshole, and then, when he got beat, Koro just laid down and let himself be killed. Just so the kids can say "we did it". I think it makes a lot of sense for his character that he would just let himself die, but the problem is for the kids who've been complaining the whole time that "it just ain't right" if someone else kills him without them getting to prove themselves, only for him to die with basically no effort of their own. It's a disgusting ending.

Despite this rather shitty finale, overall Assassination classroom was... fine. It did well characterizing such a large main cast in the time it had, even if a few slipped through the cracks. The animation was efficient, the OPs were unique. I watched the dub and the voice acting started a bit scuffed, but quickly improved to be pretty good. It seemed to have a lot of rewriting work behind it and didn't hesitate to drop some "fuck"s and "shit"s and a lot of "bitch"s, which is always a pleasure to my swear-loving ears. Also, the principal was super funny. One of his teenage students said "you should be nicer to your son" and he answered by taking off his vest and saying "fight me". Bro is a riot.

Tier list of how characterized each classroom member is:

*Glasses guy gets basically all his characterization from the extras

#Assassination Classroom #curtains on #curtains on Assassination Classroom #anime review #anime review (spoilers)

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a-force-dyad-in-space · 8 months ago

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A Fanfic Update

Hey guys, I thought I should give you an update about what's going on Ongoing-WIPs-wise just in case you've had some worries.

The short of it is that the writing juices haven't flowed well for a while now and I'm trying to get them back but it is a struggle. I've worked a bit on this fic or other but haven't made significant progress in a few months. I absolutely hope that will change soon but I unfortunately can't force it. It doesn't help that I'm going through some stuff IRL right now that I have to take care of (I am unfortunately an adult who has to do adulting and pay bills and shit 🥲). I try not to be too stressed out about it, but the more time passes the more the anxiety sets in. Wish me luck. 💪🏻

Anyway, here's a fic-by-fic overview, split up by fandom.

THE UNTAMED

The Angsty SongXue Fic — I'll be honest, I've written a little bit since I last updated you guys but I still haven't finished the buffer chapter (at this point I'm thinking about posting chapter 51 even though 52 isn't done yet), so nothing really new here. I really want to get back into a writing flow but so far it hasn't really worked. I am still working on it, though, so don't worry, I'm not going to drop it.

The It Follows AU — I'm ashamed to say I didn't even realize I posted that fic almost two years ago and I still haven't written the second half. I'm so sorry it's taking so long! I definitely still want to finish it! I might rewatch the It Follows movie before I do that, though.

The Observer Series — Oh yeah, remember that smutfic series I started a few years ago of which I've only posted part 1 so far? Yeah, I still need to work on that. I did write chapter 1 of part 2 a while ago, so it's not like it's forgotten, I just need to get my ass up and write the rest of part 2 before I can post it. 🙈

The Color Rush AU — Okay, technically I haven't posted that one yet but I did share a snippet along with a gifset a few years ago, so you guys know it exists. I haven't worked on it in a long time, though, and I don't know yet when I will find the spoons to continue writing it but I'm still intrigued by the premise and want to give it a go. Thank you for your patience!

The Somewhat Sweet, Somewhat Angsty XuanXian Fic — Again, haven't posted that one yet but I've been posting about it, so you guys know it exists. Nothing new on this front. I did want to rewrite the whole thing because I wasn't really happy with the way I wrote it thus far, so I'll probably go back to it at some point and do that, I just don't know when yet.

WORD OF HONOR

The Xie'er Deserves the World Fic — Listen, guys, I love this fic so much, I just haven't worked on it in a while. I'll probably re-read what I've written so far and go on from there, I've just been struggling with the latest chapter ever since I started writing it years ago. It's not dropped, though, I will get back to it! Pinky swear!

SAILOR MOON

I've mentioned here and there that I'm working on part 1 of an epic that is based on a doujinshi I started when I was 13 or 14. Unlike my other WIPs, this one really is 100% self-indulgent to the point where I don't even care whether people will read/like it once I post it when it's completely done. I'll just put it out there to make my teenage self happy because this story has been simmering in my head for over 20 years, and so that my IRL friends can read it if they want to. So, this one will be a long way out, but it exists. I'm only really mentioning it because I've mentioned it a couple of times before and because it's the fic that's been on my mind the most lately.

STAR WARS

You didn't think I forgot about TROBS, did you????? I did work on several beginnings of a draft during NaNoWriMo last year and I'm getting more and more of a clear picture of how I want it to go. For those unfamiliar, TROBS (or The Rise of Ben Skywalker, though I already changed the name of the fic again) is my attempt at an Episode IX fix-it fic that essentially replaces TROS. This one has been simmering in my head since early 2020 and I really want to get it out of there and onto the page for catharsis. I've even held off on reading any other TROS fix-its because of it, even though I've heard there are some really amazing ones out there (and I can't wait to read them once I've gotten my own out of my damn head). I really need to finally finish that beast. Wish me luck. 🥲

UNPOSTED WIPs

I still have so many notes for other fics (mostly for The Untamed) that I want to write at some point. Will I be able to get them all on the page? I honestly don't know, but I'll see where they take.

Anyway, that's all!

#jen's ramblings #jengwrites

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excusethequality · 8 months ago

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My 2024 in Film: March, part. 1

It would seem that I watched too many movies in March for Tumblr to handle!

By which I mean that it turns out there's a limit on the number of images you can attach to a single post and I watched more than that.

But I've been liking having a picture to go with each entry, so I'm gonna have to just split this one into two posts. Which means that you get two big posts instead of one monstrous post.

So really this is probably for the best?

Anyways, it was a month of extremes. Some soaring highs and some rage inducing lows.

So join me as I ramble about such things as: classic documentaries, experiments in gender, why the Academy can die in a fire, the difference between bad movies that are interesting and bad movies that make you wonder why you did this to yourself, and more!

* = rewatched

37.

Scream VI

(2023)

— Meta Horror Directed by: Matt Bettinelli-Olpin & Tyler Gillett

The people who were still alive after Scream 5 are back, weirdly not harboring any sort of PTSD from what they lived through, and living in NYC. That's right: Scream is lost in New York.

Both these new Screams want to create a new franchise with a new cast of characters. Cool. I always appreciate when someone tries to move the timeline forward instead of just remixing the original.

But it's hard for me to care about these new characters, because there's shockingly little character development. I'd swear the last movie never happened, because the new crew seem utterly unfazed from having narrowly survived being brutally slaughtered and having witnessed the deaths of close friends and family.

And the two main characters are the most boring of them all!

I know a lot of people would disagree with me and love this one. So clearly there's a difference of opinions out there.

I will say that I liked this a LOT more than 5. Moving the location from Woodsboro was a great move and was a lot more fun than I was expecting.

And, I know this isn't what I should have been focusing on, but the Halloween costumes in this movie?! They are fantastic. There are so many great ones lurking in the backgrounds of shots. Far and away my favorite part of the movie was trying to identify all the Halloween costumes.

38.

An American Pickle

(2020)

—Comedy Fantasy Drama Directed by: Brandon Trost Based on: “Sell Out” by Simon Rich

An immigrant to America falls into a pickle vat in 1919 and is preserved until it is opened 100 years later. Now lost in the strange new world of the present he tracks down his last living descendant and the two try to find common ground.

There's actually a really interesting idea at work in this movie. But more often than not the whole thing was just played as a bit instead of really developing the metaphor.

I'm not really the target audience for this one though, so I'm open to the idea that parts of it were just going over my head.

39.

Guillermo del Toro's Pinocchio

(2022)

—Animated Fantasy Adventure Directed by: Guillermo del Toro Based on: Le avventure di Pinocchio. Storia di un burattino by. Carlo Collodi

A woodcarver's drunken wish is granted when a godly being brings one of his creations to life.

Eagle-eyed readers might be thinking, "Hey! Didn't you previously say that you had beef with Netflix and would never give them money? Then how, pray tell, did you watch this Netflix original?"

Well, dear readers, it's because my local library had it due to it being released in a physical format from the Criterion collection. So there!

I'm going to be upfront and let you know that I am biased against this, because I have never liked the story of Pinocchio. In fact, that's why I never went to see it in theaters even though it was playing at the theater I worked at and thus could have watched it for free.

[In a particularly memorable day at the theater I made a man cry when I had to tell him he couldn't bring his dog to this movie. Then he went around telling everyone in the lobby that I broke his heart and ruined his day. So...yeah, that was a weird day.]

But I digress! [surprising no one]

I still don't love Pinocchio, but I will say that this is far and away my favorite adaptation. del Toro adds a lot of depth to the story by setting it in Mussolini-era Italy. Plus I love when people attempt stop-motion animation.

That being said, I have some issues on the animation in this though. I really love the animation of the non-human characters, but the human characters faces didn't match the level of emotions the voice actors were giving and the result was a discrepancy that had me convinced I was watching a dub.

I looked into it and it seems to be because the non-human characters were generally done by swapping the model's face plates between frames [a style of animation you might recall from films like The Nightmare Before Christmas and Coraline]. Meanwhile the human characters had models with faces that were built to be physically manipulated to change their expression [like in Fantastic Mr. Fox].

There's pros and cons to both methods, but I can't say I'm a fan of them both being used simultaneously. It was really breaking my immersion when different characters had completely different limits on their ability to emote. And there were so many times a voice was giving tons of emotion and the character's face was giving like 20% of it.

Okay, I'll stop ranting now...

Ewan McGregor was miscast in this and they had Tom Kenny in the movie and gave him like a line or two? What's the story there?!

Okay, okay, I'll be done for real now.

40.

Dick Johnson is Dead

(2020)

—Documentary Directed by: Kirsten Johnson

Having already lost her mother to Alzheimer's and with her father now beginning to succumb as well, filmmaker Kirsten Johnson seeks to create a record of who he is while also trying to document what it's like dealing with the inevitable death of a loved one.

"Netflix again!" you say to yourself. "Truly he is lying to us and doesn't want people to know that he actually has Netflix!" Wrong! Once again I got this from the library, because once again it had a physical release from the Criterion collection.

Suck it, Netflix!

Libraries for the win!

In more relevant news, Kirsten Johnson is ruling the top of the my movie rankings for the year. First there was Cameraperson and now this! She is out here doing fascinating things with the medium of documentaries.

I wish it was easier to say why you loved something than it was to say why you disliked something. Because this is such a hard movie to convey the tone of.

It's funny and heartbreaking, morbid and sweet, reverent and irreverent all at the same time.

Johnson is like a magician who tells you exactly what's up her sleeves. She'll show you what the trick is and how she's gonna do it. Then somehow she still manages to surprise you when she does it.

And it's not a true documentary in the sense that she's basically going in the exact opposite direction of cinema verite style. But she's also always documenting her process of breaking the rules.

In someone else's hands this could be a mess, but she's just such a master of the form that she knows exactly what rules she can't break, which ones she can bend the shit out of, and which ones she can ignore altogether.

41.

Dioses de México

[English title: “Gods of Mexico”]

(2022)

—Documentary Directed by: Helmut Dosantos

An unspeaking look at the resistance to modernization in Mexico as we witness the people still versed in the old ways.

This was one of my roommate's picks for our theme of: "Oh!...So That's a Thing".

The fact that there was no narration or really any dialogue made the whole thing rather fascinating. There were times I was dying for someone to tell me exactly what people were doing in a scene, but then again that's kind of the point, isn't it?

It's so easy to take modern machines for granted, that when you see someone making something the old fashioned way it almost makes the steps seem like a kind of magical alchemy.

42.

Oklahoma!

(1955)

—Musical Rom-Com Directed by: Fred Zinnemann

A woman gets mad that her pseudo boyfriend assumed she was going to the local dance with him instead of asking her and tries to make him jealous.

Although I watched a lot of musicals growing up, this was one that I was aware of, but never saw.

I know that this is true of many older musicals, but there's a lot of crazy shit going on in this. And yet there is practically no story or character development at all...and the movie is over 2 hours long?

How does almost nothing happen in nearly 2.5 hours?

And then against the grain of everything else in the movie, you've got this girl [woman? how old are they supposed to be?] having a whole subplot about how she just wants to sleep around?

Probably a good one to watch with a friend, because you can talk to each other and not have to worry about missing anything.

43.

Grey Gardens

(1975)

— Documentary Directed by: Ellen Hovde & Albert Maysles & David Maysles & Muffie Meyer

A look into the lives of a reclusive mother and daughter, who once belonged to high society, but now live by themselves in a dilapidated house of questionable safety.

Since documentaries have been dominating the top of my best of the year list, I've been making an effort to watch some of the famous documentaries that I've never bothered checking out before.

I never bothered with this one because it sounded a little bit cringe.

One of the inherent questions of journalism and documentary filmmaking is what is the ethical line for documenting something as it is instead of trying to change it? For instance is documenting someone dealing with mental illness encouraging their delusions? Or is it bringing to light the ways a detachment from society can have on a person's life?

I don't have the answers. But you can find some very interesting arguments as to whether or not this documentary crossed an ethical line.

But I do now understand why this has had such an impact on people. I don't even know what to say about it. It is one of things you have to see to truly understand.

44.

Dating the Enemy

(1996)

— Sex Shift Rom-Com Directed by: Megan Simpson Huberman

A former couple wakes to discover they have swapped bodies and are forced to try and navigate lives in the other person's shoes.

So on a whim a started making a list of movies I've been calling "Experiments in Gender." Because an esoteric subgenre of movies I love is movies that play around with ideas of gender. Things like Dr. Jekyll and Sister Hyde, She's the Man, Titane, etc.

And so sex shift fantasy movies are likely candidates for the category. HOWEVER, a lot of them are Freaky Friday style movies that aren't about learning about life in a different gender, but specifically learning about life in someone else's shoes. Which interests me considerably less.

The trouble is that the specific nuance of how this is tackled is usually not apparent from just a trailer or a synopsis. So the only way to find out where they land is to watch them.

"Why are you telling me this?" some of you might be wondering. Well, if you plan to keep up to date on these movie lists o' mine this is relevant information, because there's more of them coming.

Anyways, it turned out that this is not an experiment in gender, it is just a Freak Friday body swap scenario.

And there was no point in a Freaky Friday scenario because their relationship failed, not because of mutual misunderstanding, but because the dude was TERRIBLE and treated her like shit.

Also I think it made me realize that I don't like Guy Pearce.

Post swap, Claudia Karvan is acting like Guy Pearce's character is in her body. But Guy Pearce is just acting like his generic idea of a woman is in his body. He's not even trying to act like her character at all! And this made me start to question everything I've ever seen him in.

I will give it bonus points because they do have sex with other people while in their swapped bodies. But minus the bonus points again for the film moving right past this and ignoring the fact they both technically just had gay sex.

Things like this are why you aren't on the list. You gotta deal with the nuance of the situation!

Further proof that it doesn't count is that he didn't even get a period while in that body. Because, as previously discussed, the movie is a coward.

45.*

Waiting for Guffman

(1996)

—Mocukmentary Directed by: Christopher Guest

Cameras follow a small town's attempts to create a play about the history of their founding.

Rewatching Best in Show last month gave me a nostalgic taste for mockumentaries, so here I am.

I think I've only seen it once before so my memory on it wasn't the best. But when I heard the stool song I specifically remember watching that with my best friend's family back in the day.

It's definitely not the best of Christopher Guest's movies, but it's also not the worst. Although I will say that I've noticed that a bad habit of Guest's is making native american jokes. And I know he's not specifically making jokes at their expense per se, but through them he is still perpetuating the racist stereotypes from old westerns and they haven't aged well at all.

On the brighter side Parker Posey is in it and every scene with her is a delight.

If you love mockumentaries I think it's definitely worth watching. But if you only watch one Christpher Guest movie this isn't his strongest outing.

46.

The Aggressives

(2005)

— Documentary Directed by: Daniel Peddle

A look at the subculture of masculine presenting people of color in New York City.

I combined my documentary kick with a @gayverlyearp recommendation, because I am a master of efficiency!

Anyway it was a quality recommendation and a really interesting movie. It's especially interesting when you see the ways that gender expression has changed over the years. I hear the director made a follow up movie somewhat recently and I'm really curious to see if I can find that somewhere.

47.

Pachyderme

[English title: “Pachyderm”]

(2022)

—Animated Drama Short Directed by: Stéphanie Clément

A woman looks back at her childhood through memories muddled by time and trauma.

I attempted to go down the rabbit hole of watching the Oscar nominations for Best Animated Short. I couldn't find them all, but I did find the majority.

And I started off strong, because this one was my favorite of the lot. It's just beautiful and heart breaking and sticks in the crannies of your brain after you're done watching it.

And can we talk about the way it uses a picturebook illustration art style? That was such a brilliant choice. The way they use it portray childhood memories that have faded with time and become these stories we tell ourselves? The subtle way they use the composition to give scenes nuance?

It's so friggin' good. Highly recommend giving it a watch.

48.

Ninety-Five Senses

(2022)

—Animated Drama Short Directed by: Jared Hess & Jerusha Hess

A man on death row reflects on his life through each of his senses.

Another best animated short nominee.

It didn't hit with the weight that Pachyderme did, but I like how they both use really creative ways of talking about memories.

Specifically looking at a life through the lens of memories you associate with a particular sense is such an interesting prompt. I have some issues with this one that I can't go into without entering spoiler territory, so I didn't l love it, but I do respect it.

[I do get chatty about the films on these lists, and one can't talk about a movie with "spoiling" something. But I do purposefully steer away from just telling you the entire plot.]

49.

WAR IS OVER! Inspired by the Music of John & Yoko

(2023)

—Animated Short Directed by: Dave Mullins

Two soldiers discover that war is bad by playing a game of chess via carrier pigeon.

Don't even talk to me about how the Oscars handles the category of Animated Shorts unless you want to hear me rant at length. I'm still not over the fact that they give the tritest, most Hallmark Card-iest, cliche Inspirational Poster-iest entry the Oscar last year.

And they did it to me again!

Is this some sick joke on me? Is this personal, Academy? Did you hear me talking tons of shit about you and decide to get some revenge using a smaller category that the average viewer doesn't care as much about, but that I love?

Please keep in mind that I hold nothing against the animators who had to work on this project, because the animation is not on trial here. But this short SUCKS.

Some nepo baby pulled the sentiment "War is bad, okay? Don't do war" out of their ass...and they gave it an Oscar?

It is LITERALLY the worst entry in the category!

50.

Our Uniform

(2023)

—Animated Short Memoir Directed by: Yegane Moghaddam

The filmmaker reflects on the ways her uniform shaped her past.

Using the uniform as the animation medium to talk about uniforms is a truly brilliant move. It lacked the real emotional depth that Pachyderme and Ninety-Five Senses had, so I didn't think it would win. But I really liked it. And for a directorial debut? For a filmmaker that wrote, directed, and animated it herself? Fantastic work. Really curious to see what she makes next.

51.

Poor Things

(2023)

— Fantasy Drama Adventure Directed by: Yorgos Lanthimos

The result of a bizarre experiment goes on a grand adventure of self discovery.

I have a love-hate relationship with Lanthimos' films and I never know if I'm going to love them or just be utterly baffled by them. But with all the Oscar noms and wins I figured I had to check it out.

I actually don't have anything of note to say about this. As an asexual I felt thoroughly out of my depth here. The film has such a strong focus on sexuality that I can't really relate to most of it. I asked a couple ace friends what they thought of it and they had similar takes of enjoying elements of it, but feeling disconnected from it on the whole.

So yeah. I dunno! Go ask an allosexual if you want an in depth take on this.

52.*

Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy

(2004)

—Comedy Directed by: Adam McKay

A local anchorman in the 70s has his world flipped upside down when the station hires a woman to be his co-anchor.

I loved this movie back in the day. But it doesn't make me laugh nearly as much these days. There's still some parts I love, but it just doesn't hold the same magic for me that it once did.

53.

The Sex Trip

(2016)

— Sex Shift Comedy Directed by: Anthony G. Cohen

A womanizing pickup artist is cursed with a new body by witch until he can learn to respect women.

Ohhhhh, what to say about this one...

I kind of want to force someone to watch this with me, because it is just so wild and I want someone else to stare into the abyss and witness the madness that I have seen.

One nice thing about sex shift movies is that in most of them if you don't like the person playing the main character, you can wait a little while and they'll get a new actor in there.

And that's something you can't say about most movies.

There's this weird thing that can happen when bros accidentally wander into queer territory, because sometimes their extremely "no-homo" way of thinking can lead them into accidentally nuanced territory. And other times it will just be dumb and offensive.

But you know what? I'm counting it as an experiment in gender. Our protagonist gets a period, he realizes how annoying breasts can be at times, he experiments with his new set of genitals. He's got a best friend who is either secretly bi, or possible straight but specifically gay for his friend? I certainly don't think the writer/director was aiming for the best friend to be queer, but no straight man would be so eager to accept a threesome with his best friend. You can't convince me otherwise.

Would I recommend this to the average movie fan? Uh, no. It is not a great film. It is a weirdly interesting film, but I wouldn't say it's by any means a film of quality. In spite of it accidentally wandering into interesting territory, it's still very clear that some bros wrote this movie. There's plenty transphobia and misogyny and just plain cringe.

But I've learnt that while most people watch movies to enjoy them, I watch movies like a field researcher. I'm like a biologist in the field, looking under rocks and climbing trees to see what kind of weird stuff I can find. So if you're like me, well, this a fascinatingly fucked up little specimen for sure! You can see such odd little features such as: Tom Hanks' brother, Sylvester Stallone's brother, a man getting cursed for having the gall to not want to kiss a stranger he just met, a man try desperately to sleep with his best friend in a way that won't be gay, the worst blooper real I have ever seen, and more!

54.

Rubber

(2010)

— Meta Horror Directed by: Quentin Dupieux

An audience gathers in the desert to watch the live performance of a story about a tire coming to life and killing people with its psychokinetic powers.

While I love movies that are so bad they're fun, I hate movies that purposefully try to be bad movies. I assumed that that is what this was, and thus I never bothered with it.

However, it turns out that this is not really a movie trying to be a bad movie...it's...

I don't really know what this is actually. And I'm not entirely sure what it was trying to say....

But I do know that I didn't like it and don't plan to ever watch it again.

55.

Grizzly Man

(2005)

— Documentary Directed by: Werner Herzog

After Timothy Treadwell was killed by a bear while creating videos to help protect bears, Werner Herzog used his footage to create a documentary about Treadwell himself.

Another classic documentary that I had never bothered watching. I was slightly uncomfortable with the concept potentially being a little too close to a snuff film.

But I get it now. I get why it's acclaimed. This was not what I was expecting.

I was especially certainly not expecting Herzog to just periodically drag this dude? I was also not expecting that this dude clearly has issues.

56.

Victor/Victoria

(1982)

— Musical Rom-com Directed by: Blake Edwards

A female singer creates a hit act by pretending to be a male female impersonator, but along the way learns to love the lifestyle.

Oh ho ho, dear reader, this one came close to glory. If I liked the songs in this more, and if they didn't force a weird romance angle in there? This would truly be top tier.

That being said I still love it. Definitely an experiment in gender. It goes so much harder on the subject than I was ever expecting.

And the cast? The cast is exquisite!

Do I wish it was just sliiightly different? Yes.

Did I have a great time regardless? Yes!

57.

Tootsie

(1982)

— Monstrosity Directed by: Sydney Pollack

After burning every bridge he ever came across, a pretentious actor finds that he can no longer find work. Instead of bettering himself in order to repair his image and professional relationships, he decides to pretend to be a woman and steal some jobs from them.

Now do you see why I spent that time all those movies back explaining my quest to create an experiments in gender list? Has it not given you a peek into the process and important context for multiple films on this post?

Anyway, this is not an experiment in gender. This is just a fucked up movie.

I've heard about this movie a fair bit over the years, but all I've heard was that, A) it was really funny, and B) that Dustin Hoffman is amazing in it.

I was surprised to learn neither of those things is true. I was too busy being horrified to laugh at the terrible jokes. And Dustin Hoffman is either terrible in it, or doing an amazing job portraying a terrible, terrible person. You be the judge!

I hate this movie so much, y'all don't even know.

It's so fucking reductive, yet it acts like it's progressive. The whole movie is based on the premise that of course he's able to get the role, because he's a man while everyone else auditioning for the role were mere women.

Oh! And don't even get me started on the bizarre headgames and manipulations this dude pulls on the women in his life.

Ugh...I could rant about this movie forever. Truly terrible. I feel personally offended for having sat through it. And look at some of the weird shit I've watched so far this year! I watched a movie where a pack of people ravenously consume a rotisserie chicken with their hands while watching a tire kill people in the desert!

And the fact that I seem to be the minority in thinking it's terrible drives me even crazier.

We are 57 movies into the year and you better believe I threw this into dead last so fast.

And the very bottom of the list is the stuff that I wouldn't even watch with a friend. I would have to be bribed extensively to even consider seeing this again. You better be bringing plenty of booze and food or some cash and even then I'd have to really think hard about wanting to do that to myself again.

——————

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ardendrifter · 1 year ago

Text

My first thought is, I don't know how to Tumblr.

My second thought is, I don't know how to social media.

My third thought is, I don't know how to be a human being.

And it's this last, unfortunately, that seems to stick with me.

So I take a bath and call my mom, because my relationship with my family's been doing better recently and I'm trying to talk to all of them regularly. Dad's a steadying force in my life so I try to get a few minutes with him every day; but Mom's always been better at fielding my existential dilemmas.

I ask her what she'd read, if I sat down to jot my thoughts down for a half hour every morning. Turned into a chatterbox at six months old and never really stopped, except for a brief period of moderate head trauma that made it oddly difficult to remember nouns and verbs--still kept most of my adjectives, for some reason, and prepositions were practically untouched. Swears safely tucked away in the reptilian depths responsible for grunts, growls, shouts of ecstasy or pain.

So I ask my Mom, You've heard me yammer on for years. Which of my thoughts are the interesting ones?

And she said [...].

Well, that's the part that's hard to talk about. Do I remember what she said or not?

Start with the good advice, which I do remember. She sent me a meditation on insight timer and said, Try this for five minutes every morning while you're coffee's brewing. When you're feeling clearer, sit down with your coffee, set your timer for a half hour, and write whatever comes out. Don't worry about your audience. You'll find out something about who you are, and who's interested in knowing the real you.

Fuuuuuuuuck.

No idea what kind of conversations she's been having with my brother; but I just spent a week in his company, looking after you. I can't help thinking that maybe they didn't talk to each other at all, just spent time with me and noticed where the cracks were forming. They're both reasonably perspicacious, when it comes down to it.

And here's the part that's hard to talk about, the part I'm not sure happened.

She said--I *think* she said--that she and Dad rewatched "Girl, Interrupted" last week and there were ways the main character reminded her of me.

(I've never been diagnosed with a personality disorder. That's the truth. I've had no real reason for a Complex PTSD diagnosis, either. PTSD, yes. Depression, yes. A handful of anxiety disorders that change with the doctor prescribing the medication. A therapist tried to get me coded for DD-NOS, on account of the depersonalization and derealization issues, and I'm grateful to him still. But let's say I have PTSD. Let's say that no matter how much work I put into myself, that's the diagnosis that keeps coming back like a bad rash.)

I digress.

Here's what I think my mom said:

I think she said, You went through some things as a teenager here, and it's hard for you to always know who you are and what you want.

She said some other things, like that the one thing everyone in the family agreed on was that they wanted to support me in continuing to write fiction. She said she was happy I got to spend that week with my brother, because he was good for me and loves me fiercely, although he gets a little exasperated sometimes when he can't figure out how to help me. She said she wanted me to take the time to work out what I really wanted to do for work, whether it was nonprofit work or LGBT advocacy or coffee roasting or something else. She said if I only wanted to do it part time, so that I could keep writing, then that was not just alright, but something the whole family would support me with. She said I had a lot of life experiences, and that I'd experienced them deeply, and that I could do just about anything.

I don't remember what all she said. I try to get it down in order and it tangles together with chit-chat about Grandma, and Dad off at band rehearsal, and the sewing class she's trying to take in her off-hours, and our respective forms of neurodivergence.

I try to write it down, though, because she's your grandmother and she adores you, and you should know what kind of woman she is.

I hope to document this year, River, because it is the year I transition. Thirty minutes every day, and maybe someday you'll read these words; or anyway, someone will.

I just put together my to-do list for starting that journey. I'm elated. I'm terrified. I'm thinking the list is probably lacking in granularity.

There are things I started to tell Mom about today. She broached the topic of my 10th grade experience for the first time in...years, probably.

My brother asked me about it recently; it might have been the night of our cousin's funeral. Was it the next night? My sense of time remains uncertain. But we were sitting up late together, your parents and I, on the porch of the cabin by Lake Champlain where our cousins held the memorial service. I don't know if we'd had a frank conversation about my gender experience before--certainly not sober. But I told him I wanted to go on T, and that led other places, like the impact of the conversion therapy written into my IEP, that last year of public education.

I had to explain what derealization was: I had no idea I'd never told him about all that. I have a vague memory of texting with him--perhaps once, perhaps twice--that year or two I was in therapy specifically for personality consolidation. I couldn't remember much about being fifteen, so I asked him what he remembered. He told me about what his life was like, and witnessing a few of my meltdowns at home. There were only two or three, I think. It wasn't a terribly dramatic breakdown that I had. Nothing was real, and then I was sleeping all the time, and then it got hard to get me out of bed in the mornings. But academically, I shone. My writing won awards.

There was just...no one in there at the time. I had a parent who pushed me and two parents who supported me as well as they knew how. I went to college two years early on a full scholarshop.

Only...I never entered another contest. Twenty-five years passed before I submitted another piece of writing for publication.

I even stopped playing soccer. Competition made everything feel distant and strange, as though it were farther away than it looked.

What happened to get me into therapy--the story I told your father, my brother--was this:

I got a new GP. Same office, different doctor. A woman, this time. She took a fresh case history and bumped into the cardiac event I survived twenty-odd years before. And I told her, Conversion therapy was written into my IEP when I was fifteen.

She said, How long were your sessions?

And I said, No no, it was all day at school, and at the bus stop, and during extracurriculars. They calmed down a bit once I got a steady boyfriend. But it was still this constant surveillance--how I spoke, how I sat, how I raised my hand, what I read, what I talked about, how I walked, how I participated in class. It's one thing to fail at girlhood--every fifteen-year-old of that generation probably felt like they were failing at their assigned gender. It was the primary marketing tactic the Viacom-Industrial Complex used to sell us things.

But this was different.

I was failing at something nobody would explain, and all the adults around me were afraid, and nobody would explain what was happening or what I was doing wrong. I didn't know gay people existed. I didn't know a thing about transgender identities, except in little flashes here or there--the prophets Daniel and Nehemiah, who in all likelihood have no influence on your life, were castrati, and figures like Loki and Old Man Coyote switched back and forth from male to female. There was an older kid in school whose name I didn't know, whose gender I couldn't code by looking at them; but I took that to be a failing of my own, and I was too embarrassed to ever tell anyone. There was a sweet gentle kid I knew from my sixth grade class who never quite walked like a boy; and later, in seventh grade, he stopped coming to school. Some of the kids said he'd told someone he was a girl trapped in a boy's body, but almost everyone thought it was because he had a couple different learning disabilities, and acted more like a super-innocent third-grader, and spent most of his time playing games of make-believe by himself. And some of the kids said he shoplifted from a gas station so that he could go to juvie, because no matter how bad it was there it wasn't home and it wasn't our school.

I never knew the truth of any of those stories. I never connected them to my own experience of genderfluidity. Mom and Dad let me be what I was at home, and dress up however I liked for Halloween, and play any make-believe character I wanted. That's how it was. When I was in second grade, my class had more girls than boys, and when we split up by gender there were some girls--myself included--who would be honorary boys for the day. And other girls would ask me in the morning, Are you a girl or a boy today? And I'd feel into it and answer--but more often, I'd already be dressed as the gender I felt. So I learned something important about myself that year: I was a girl who was sometimes a boy. My best friend was a girl who was always a girl, and my brother was a boy who was always a boy, and my next-door neighbor was a girl who liked to pretend to be a boy, but woke up a girl every morning and remained a girl throughout the day, whether she played Peter Pan or Captain Hook or Smee.

So until I was about nine, I used to tell other kids I could switch back and forth between being a girl and a boy, just like Loki, and sometimes I could choose which one I'd be but sometimes I'd just shift for a while, so they should ask which one I was. And that tapered off around fourth and fifth grade, but even in a conservative farming community none of the other kids acted like it was weird.

I was a girl who was sometimes a boy.

Simple, right?

In retrospect, given the culture wars of the 90's, it seems almost a miracle that I made it to fourteen before any of it came to a head.

And here's the truth: left to my own devices, I may have ended up vaguely butch, and bi, and probably some flavor of TERFy essentialist second-wave feminist. That's its own form or repression, in its way.

But I wasn't left to my own devices, was I?

The reality is that you can break down someone's gender expression and rebuild it in whatever image you like, but to make it stick you have to break down their gender identity too. And it's maybe the popular thing to claim that gender identity is immutable--that's certainly an experience people have, trans and cis alike. But believe me when I say that gender identity can be broken down like anything else about a person.

You have to break just about everything else about a person first, though, up to and including reality-testing.

And they did. They stripped away everything that made me a person--not just on purpose, but in planned, methodical fashion, with goals and dates and benchmarks. They kept meticulous notes on my progress. They did these things because they believed it was the right thing to do. And Humpty Dumpty never quite went back together again. I never felt like a girl or a boy or a man or a woman, and I never quite felt like a Something Else either. Gender was a rich subjective experience--a color to paint with, a way to play dress-up. On good days, it felt like a kind of spiritual attunement. It was a changing force for the rest of my life.

But I'm telling you a different story, I suppose. About my doctor.

I told her what happened. She was too professional to say, You know uh people die from that. But I wondered, then, if that's what she was thinking. It's something people said to me, and say to me, when they find out.

She was a consummate professional, but her eyes were all blank and she kept going for her pen to jot down notes, only she wasn't looking at her pen or her notepad and her hand kept missing.

I remember that part clearly. I remember it, but it might have been a different doctor, or maybe a therapist. It might have been a different time that that happened.

The clearest thing I remember--the last clear thing I remember--is that she asked, very matter-of-factly, whether I had experienced other abuse before the age of eighteen.

The next thing I remember is standing on a street in a strange part of the city. I could not have told you my name, how old I was, or what city I was in. I was sober in the strictest sense of the word--I had not imbibed any substances, prescription or otherwise--and I had a receipt in my pocket from a series of finished errands at the post office. I couldn't read anything properly, which is usually a sign that I'm dreaming. So I thought that's what was going on.

Worked it out eventually that I was standing in a crosswalk weeping, because a woman walking a golden retriever stopped and pointed out a cafe across the street, and the lettering on the sign was big enough I could read it. So I crossed to the corner and she asked if I could look after her dog for a few minutes while she stepped inside and bought herself a coffee, and I don't know if I said anything but I sat on an adirondack chair in front of a brilliant fire-truck-red cafe and petted a golden retriever for a while, and that was nice. I think I had some vague sense that I was being managed; but I was also petting a dog, so that was alright then. The woman came back out eventually and brought me a cup of coffee and I couldn't stop crying but I felt calmer. I don't remember anything about her--not her face, not her age, not her race, not the sound of her voice--but I remember her dog vividly.

Anyway. Drank my coffee. Third of the way through the cup when my pocket vibrated, and I discovered I had a phone stuffed in there. I went to Google and wrote, I am a conversion therapy survivor and I need help. And Google, quite helpfully, supplied the number of Seattle Counseling Service, which at the time was one of the oldest LGBT-centered mental health organizations in the city. And I got on the phone with a clinician who helped me navigate to the bus stop, and then to their offices.

Here's another true thing: I don't know why I told you this story, unless it's to avoid telling you what I told my mom, which is to say your grandmother.

I don't really remember what I told her. Something about how growing up queer in that part of the world, during that particular era of the culture war, trained me to protect parts of myself--and more to the point, to protect myself by protecting information. To manage my life in terms of circles of privileged information.

(I lied to my brother last week about something painfully stupid: the platform that hosts my serial novel. I could have just asked him not to read it. I know him well enough to know he'd respect that boundary. I want to say I don't know why I did it, but that's not how it was at all. To tell him about my novel at all felt like heaving a boulder uphill, sometimes with more success than others. I could talk about the reader community all day--that part was effortless. But a dangerous detail like where to find the full text? I told him the closest thing to the truth I could bear. It's not deliberate dishonesty so much as a failed effort at honesty. He worked it out before I could heave the real answer out of my mouth. And then he confronted me, and I couldn't bring myself to talk about it.)

Circles of privileged information.

That's what Mom and I talked about today, a little. I told her that two things were true: the women who tried to craft me--whatever I was--into a straight submissive Christian girl did something deeply unethical and deeply harmful; and they did it because they believed with all their souls that they were doing the right thing. I told her I'd done a lot of work in therapy to let both of those things be true at once.

But that wasn't the important thing, was it? The important thing is that I got quiet for a few minutes.

When I go quiet and there are no words, just the feeling of heaving a boulder uphill. Maybe it's a successful push and I manage to say something true. Maybe my aim's off and I land on a near-truth instead, and if I remember I'll try to go back and correct myself later. If I manage it. If I can.

Fiction is simpler. The words flow like water and the details land faraway enough that I can bear to say the unspeakable things. And anyway, we all know it's supposed to be make-believe. We all know to trust the substance, and forget the details.

This? This is harder. But there's 566 anti-trans bills kicking about this stupid country; there are lawmakers trying to legislate childhoods exactly like my 10th grade year across whole states; there are children like the one I was standing in the crosshairs.

So I'm trying to write my own experience as a nonbinary human: messy, dangerous, yes; and yet our community has this love for one another that is incandescent. I learned the reality of love from fabulous queers. I'm trying to document a year in transition.

Know that I love you, kiddo. Know that I'm doing my best. Nothing has made me happier this year than learning to be your uncle.

See you soon.

#nonbinary #gender identity #gender fluid #ptsd #derealization #fiction #family feels #conversion therapy #homophobia #queerphobia #lgbtq #lgbtq community

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supermarine-silvally · 2 years ago

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Hello Bingo buddy! It is I @endless-oc-creations here to ask you five questions about your oc Iryna Oleksandrivna Kovalenko!

1.) What inspired you to make Iryna?

2.) What's Iryna's home life like?

3.) Who is Iryna's closest friend at U.A.?

4.) What's Iryna and Bakugou's relationship like when they finally get together?

5.) How does Iryna's quirk work?

Have a wonderful day!!

Aaaaaa omg these are such amazing questions!!! I'm always literally so excited to talk about my girl sdlskdjfsdf I've put the answers below the cut because they got long af

1) What inspired you to make Iryna?

I’d been making OCs for shows (especially anime) and movies I enjoy for years haha so of course when BNHA came out and I watched the first season, I knew I had to make an OC for it as well! I had come up with a character concept of a foreign student at U.A. who travelled to Japan to find her missing mother and even drew a design that is extremely similar to Iryna’s current one, but I didn’t do much with the character until the pandemic hit and I re-watched the show up to season 5. I really enjoyed it on the rewatch so I went back through my old art and found the character design I’d made back when the anime first came out and decided to breathe some new life into the character. I’d actually come up with her nickname, “Kova”, long before her given name, so I re-used that and started fleshing out her backstory.

As for why she’s Ukrainian? I really wanted to make an Eastern European OC and it gave me the opportunity to extrapolate on what hero societies might look like in the BNHA world outside Japan or America. I don’t remember why exactly I settled on Ukraine, though. (It was long before the Russian invasion I swear I didn’t intend it to line up with current events!)

The other challenge I had was trying to figure out exactly where she fit into the BNHA world. I knew I wanted her to be a U.A. hero student, but I didn’t want her to replace anyone in the canon Class 1-A or 1-B. Eventually, after some thought, I settled on her being a year younger than the protagonists and entering U.A. as part of the incoming Class 1-A. The mentorship program idea that drives the plot of my fic Ground Zero formed when I realized that her quirk had some similarities to Bakugou’s and then basically went “wouldn’t it be funny if they interacted cuz they’re both pretty stubborn and hotheaded too” and then I ended up really liking their dynamic. It 100% wasn’t planned as a ship initially, but ended up heading in that direction the more I wrote them.

2) What's Iryna's home life like?

She’s really, really close to her (remaining) family! Though she hasn’t seen her mother since she was eight, she has a really strong bond with her dad, Sasha, who has always been very supportive of her dreams. She’s EXTREMELY protective of her younger brother by six years, Mykyta, especially since he’s quirkless, and has played a huge part in helping raise him— she takes her job as Big Sister very, very seriously. She also lived with her grandmother, Stanislava, in the small town of Letychiv for a few years before moving to Japan to attend U.A., and is very close with her as well. They’re not a wealthy family, but they’re a very tight-knit bunch. Iryna would definitely say she has a happy home life, but she still really misses her mother, Reina, and wants to learn the truth behind her mysterious disappearance. It’s also worth noting here that she knows pretty much nothing about her Japanese side of the family since Reina never told her children anything about her life prior to moving to Ukraine.

3) Who is Iryna's closest friend at U.A.?

Since she’s a year younger than the canon main cast, the people she’s closest to are her own classmates— I actually have 19 other OCs that make up the rest of the new Class 1-A lol maybe one day I’ll get around to sharing more about them. Of the class, her closest friends are Iida Tenshi (Tenya’s cousin) and Monoma Nagito (Neito’s brother). Outside her class, she’s closest to Bakugou since he’s her mentor, and as such will sometimes hang around with the Bakusquad.

4) What's Iryna and Bakugou's relationship like when they finally get together?

finally being the key word here lmao I don’t see them officially dating in high school at all. They both would rather launch their careers and pursue their dreams first, and a proper relationship comes many years down the line when they’re both Pros.

People expect their relationship to be a lot more volatile, since they’re both very stubborn, tend to set high expectations for themselves, and have very fiery personalities, but it’s actually kinda… remarkably chill? A lot of it is a continuation of how they are as friends and comrades-in-arms, just knowing each other inside and out and almost always being on the same wavelength. Their non-verbal communication skills are ridiculously strong— to the point where Iryna can tell what kind of mood Katsuki is in just by the sound of his footsteps— and they just kinda know what the other needs and wants without either of them having to vocalize it. Even when they were just friends, he was way more lenient with her than he was with anyone else, letting her borrow his stuff, cooking for her, tutoring her (without yelling at her lol), tolerating her teasing, and just generally allowing her to be in his space. It did take her a while to wear down his defences and get to that point but now he’s totally wrapped around her little finger and there’s nothing either of them can do about it. His friends still tease him about it mercilessly.

As adults, they’ve both matured a lot and put a ton of effort into strengthening their relationship on and off the battlefield. They play-bicker with each other, but rarely seriously fight (the rare fights are usually of the “don’t be so damn reckless!!” variety). The one major thing that everyone notices when they do finally get together is how flirty they become with each other— not that they weren’t low-key constantly flirting in their own weird ways before, but now it’s INSUFFERABLE lol they’re always trying to show off for each other and making little competitive bets and using sparring as foreplay. Despite this, they prefer to keep their relationship as private from the media as they possibly can. Overall, they’re best friends and allies and lovers all wrapped up into one, and as Iryna herself notes, there’s no Molotova without Dynamight.

5) How does Iryna's quirk work?

Her quirk, Nuclear Fission, allows her to generate and release massive quantities of fission energy, akin to a nuclear reactor or an atomic bomb. She can detonate this energy into explosions, or can channel it (especially once her control has gotten a lot better) and use it as a power source. A byproduct of her quirk makes her completely immune to nuclear radiation, allowing her to handle nuclear materials that would normally be extremely deadly with her bare hands for as long as she wants without the risk of death. While it’s a very powerful and useful quirk, it’s also quite dangerous— overuse of her powers can potentially send her body into a nuclear meltdown state that will cause irreparable damage and in extreme circumstances, even lead to a horrible, excruciating death. Because of this, she has to work hard to learn how to control her quirk and keep herself stable. Ingesting Uranium-235 supplements can provide short, temporary boosts to her power, and using her quirk manifests physically as her skin lighting up with the blue glow of Cherenkov radiation. I should also note that her explosions don’t leave radioactive waste behind, as part of her quirk (the part that also allows for her radiation immunity) makes it so that the radioactivity she produces decays in seconds rather than hundreds of years. (If you want to read more about how exactly her quirk works, Chapter 15 of Ground Zero goes into further detail!)

tysm for the questions!!! I hope the answers made sense <3

#ocb2023 #ocapp #my ocs #oc: iryna oleksandrivna kovalenko #asks and answers

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charliedawn · 2 years ago

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I'm rewatching sherlock rn and and I've gotten a tiny bit infatuated with moriarty, eurus and mycroft again whoops

Would you be able to write something, Jim x reader, where you've been in a relationship with him for ages and are John's sister, one day your visiting John at Baker Street and sherlock and moriarty are having one of thier intimidating-each other-over-tea conversations and you overhear and that's how you find out Jim's been an evil criminal mastermind the whole time and you think he only ever got with you for some type of ulterior motive or to have a civilian identity to fall back on if he needed, you still love him but have zero trust for him now and he's trying his best to convince you that you weren't part of his game and that he actually cares about you?

If that's too messy of a request to follow maybe just something angsty that's generally along those lines? Also if you don't wanna write it that's totally fine too just wanted to ask cuz I love the BBC sherlock characters so much!!

Hiya. So, that scene just appeared in my mind and I couldn't help but add a little comedic effect to the whole situation. Hope you'll like it. 😉👍

Your brother and Sherlock had been working on a case together involving a dangerous criminal and you had been commissioned with the important role of courier between the both of them, since your brother had apparently 'other things to take care of'.

John had called you over for some important file he needed and Sherlock had left in your flat—because of course he had the keys.

You tried to tell him you had a date with your boyfriend, but your brother had hung up on you before you could tell him.

So, you had no choice but to comply.

You sighed as you found yourself in front of 221 Baker Street on a lovely evening and wondered what you were doing with your life..However, you then heard shouting inside and found the door opened ajar.

You knew Sherlock to hold little importance to personal safety, but you knew Mrs Hudson—and she never forgot to close the door behind Sherlock.

You decided to take a look inside and frowned at the deserted area, but then you heard it again.

A struggle was happening upstairs and you rushed to Sherlock's room with a flashlight in hand.

"...Hello ?"

You were met with dead silence and cautiously went up the stairs and opened the door, only to be met with Sherlock, John and...YOUR BOYFRIEND ?!

John *turns towards you* : "Y/N ! WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE ?!"

You : "YOU CALLED ME !"

Sherlock : "Not the time, Y/N. We're in the middle of a conversation with this psychopathic mass murderer."

You *to Moriarty* "HOLD UP ! YOU'RE THE PSYCHOPATHIC MASS MURDERER ?!"

Moriarty *smiles at you* : "Surprise ! Hello, sweetie."

Sherlock *to Moriarty* : "You're my assistant's sister's boyfriend ?"

John *to you* : "Wait a minute—YOU HAVE A BOYFRIEND ?!"

You *sigh* : "Not now John.."

Jim chuckled in amusement while Sherlock was pinning him in place and you glared daggers at him.

"Shocking. I know. Not really. Actually, it was pretty obvious. Sherlock knew from the start."

Both you and John *turn towards Sherlock in shock* : "YOU KNEW ?!"

Sherlock : "Well. Yes. It was obvious. Taking into account Y/N's terrible taste in men and disastrous past love life.."

You : "EXCUSE YOU ?!"

Moriarty *agrees* : "A tragedy..You should thank me I came and tagged along."

John : "HEY ! NOBODY TALKS ABOUT MY SISTER'S BAD TASTE BUT ME !"

You *in disbelief* : "OKAY ! FIRST OF ALL, OUCH ! AND THEN, ONE MORE PERSON SAYS ANYTHING ABOUT MY LOVE LIFE, I SWEAR TO KILL HIM !"

Sherlock : "..."

John : "..."

Jim : "..Well—"

You knocked him down with a book and shouted.

"I WARNED YOU !"

After that episode, your boyfriend was arrested and sent to a highly secured prison—one you were sure he wouldn't be able to escape from..but were—once again—disappointed.

After a little time in prison because love hurts :

Jim was waiting for you in front of your apartment and smiled when he saw you appear.

"Hello, darling. Missed me ?"

You stopped dead in your tracks at the familiar figure and shook your head in disbelief.

"H..How ?"

Moriarty chuckled before standing aside from your front door to take a couple of steps towards you—noticing how your hand disappeared in your purse for your phone.

"Really ? Our old friend how ? I already told you. I'm Jim Moriarty. I don't explain how. I just do."

You sighed and ignored him, wishing to step in your flat and shut the door in his face. No matter how much you tried to brush it off, you still had feeling for Moriarty.

"What are you doing here, Jim ? Don't you have Sherlock to go bother ?"

He smiled and shrugged before replying nonchalantly.

"Well...Do I have to have a reason to go see my girlfriend ?"

You scoffed loudly in disbelief.

"Haven't you heard ? We broke up. It was pretty clear to me from the way I knocked you out with a book.."

Moriarty pouted at the painful memory and nodded.

"Yes. I remember. I still have the bump on the the back of my head to prove it.."

You snorted and replied sarcastically

"You poor dear..Want some ice ?"

Moriarty stayed silent for a while and you thought he would go away once he would understand that you aren't interested anymore, but you yelped when he wrapped his arms around you from behind and whispered in your ear.

"Well..I would prefer a kiss ?"

You sighed and shook your head—trying not to cry at the tender hold.

"Tell me...What's the plan now, huh ? You're going to trick me into falling in love with you again and use me to get to Sherlock ?"

Moriarty hummed absent-mindedly at the question before twirling a strand/curl of your hair between his fingers.

"Aww..Cutie pie. ~I would never."

You pulled away from his embrace to glare at him.

"Cut the crap. Tell me. Talk frankly for once."

Moriarty stopped playing with your hair before sighing loudly—as if the discussion was boring him.

"I never tricked you into anything. I arrived and offered you a breath of fresh air from your overprotective brother and your old unrequited crush and you took it. I didn't force you."

Your eyes widened as Moriarty mentioned your old crush.

"Y..You knew ?"

He laughed—as if the answer was obvious.

"~Oh honey..Of course I knew. It was high time someone would see you. Because Mycroft would have never seen you like I do, Y/N.."

You shook your head and took a step back—trying to convince yourself that the man before you was nothing but a deceiver and would only use and hurt you. But, he had been such a relief from your chaotic life when you didn't know of his true identity and you sincerely hoped everything hadn't been a lie.

But, you weren't a fool and knew the truth was far from what you had lived with him.

"You are a villain.", you accused—but Moriarty only laughed again before stroking your cheek.

"Oh sweetheart..Don't you know ? Villains make the best lovers."

He didn't hesitate before kissing you, his hands cupping your cheeks and you let him. Because, deep down. You knew.

He was right.

You had never felt happier than by his side and even though Moriarty was a villain—you weren't sure you really cared inside.

You opened the door to your flat and you both stumbled inside.

Mycroft *spying the both of you through a video camera* : "~Oh Y/N..What have I done ?"

#fandoms #imagine #fanfic #sherlockbbc #jim moriarty #jim moriarty x reader

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jakesimfromstatefarm · 4 years ago

Text

not jealous | jake sim

summary: jake sim is not a jealous person. at least that's what he tells himself. so why does he find himself going through your phone when a certain "bluejay park" decides to text you?

pairing: jake sim x y/n [ft. mentions of jay park]

genre: angst, fluff

warnings: angst, cursing (very minimal), one slightly suggestive sentence, jake being cute, some more angst lol, slightly cheesy bc jake’s just too cute ugh

wc: 3.8k

a/n: ok i loved writing this, which is why i went on to almost 4k words LOL oops. but anyways, i love jake a little too much and this type of scenario has been running around in my head for a while now so i decided to put it into words. also i may have created this blog just so i could post this somewhere LMAO anyways yeah this was my first fic so hope you guys enjoyyyy <3

Jake Sim is not a jealous person.

At least that's what he tells himself. To be fair, in his past relationships, he never showed any jealously. Then again, he doesn't know if he can call those relationships, "relationships". Does a fifth grade relationship with a girl who he was once dared to kiss during a game of Truth or Dare in the basement of a classmate's house during their 11th birthday party count? He doesn't remember being jealous when the same girl was later dared to kiss his classmate, Sunghoon. (Funny enough, that's how the two boys came to be best friends 'til this day, but that's a story for another time.)

But really, Jake doesn't think jealously is one of his traits, even if he's now almost 20 years old without any experience with love other than his current relationship with you and that short-lived romance in the fifth grade. (What was her name again? Jake would have to ask Sunghoon later.)

So he doesn't know what clicked in that brain of his that lead him to this current situation he was in. He doesn't know why he felt a little spark of anger in him when your phone, which you left right next to him on the couch while you went to take a shower, kept buzzing with texts from "bluejay park". He doesn't know why he couldn't kept his eyes distracted from the messages, although your phone was constantly lighting up because whatever it was Jay had to say to you, he would not shut up about it. He doesn't know why he questioned what your relationship with Jay was for a split second.

In fact, you're close with all of Jake's friends. That's one of his favorite things about you, you get along so well with all his friends you might as well replace Jake himself in the friend group. So he doesn't know what tells him to take a little glance at your phone—at the messages.

But he finds himself doing it anyways.

Hearing that the water in the shower was still running (you were always the type to take long showers), he quickly grabs your phone and scrolls through the lock screen just to find that he couldn't even read the messages since you had your notifications set so no one could read them unless the phone was unlocked (darn you and your settings!) Thankfully, Jake knew your passcode––and you knew his too––or he thought he did. Until the iPhone vibrated, telling him the passcode was wrong.

He must've entered it too fast or something. So he tries again.

And again.

Until the iPhone switches its screen to say: "iPhone is disabled. Try again in 5 minutes."

There's no way. You never change your password. And even if you did, you would tell him—you two even had each other's fingerprints saved into each other's phones in the past (you know, before the world decided that Apple's home button was too lame and decided to just completely get rid of it). If there was an option to save multiple faces for Face ID, you two would be that couple that saved each others faces in your own phones.

That being said, Jake sat there, your phone in hand, frozen. Why was your phone locked? Why was Jay texting you 10 texts per second? Why did he feel guilty about this entire situation?

He hears the shower switch off and in that moment, he swears he feels his heart beat just a little faster. He tells himself there's no way you'll be out before the 5 minutes are up. You followed a really meticulous skincare routine (one that Jake memorized by now) that took an extra 15 minutes of your time after each shower.

"Hey Jake?" Your voice calls out from the tiny bathroom door crack that you left open before you hopped in the shower, "Is my phone out there? Do you mind bringing it to me?"

Fuck.

Jake shifts on the couch. Taps his foot on the ground. Returns your phone to its original spot. Clears his throat.

"Don't you want to get dressed first?" he calls back, quite timidly.

He can hear you stop moving around in the bathroom. Probably telling yourself what an odd response that was. To be fair, it was an odd question, considering the fact that you two have been together for so long, it’s not like he hasn’t seen you undressed before...intentionally or not.

Next thing he knows, the steam is rolling out of the bathroom door and you're stepping out in your towel, eyebrows raised.

"If you didn't want to get up from the couch, you could've just said so, you lazy butt," you smirk at him as you walk towards him and the couch, leaving a faint trail of water drops behind you. Jake's eyes follow your figure as you go to grab your phone and lift the screen towards yourself.

That's when he freezes. You do too.

You cock your head, as if asking yourself why it was disabled. He can hear the gears in your head turning.

"Jake, did you try to unlock my phone?"

He runs through all the possible excuses he could blurt out. Come on Jake, think of something! But he knows he can't lie to you.

Too many beats of silence pass by.

"Maybe," he finally says—or more like murmurs. He looks up to you like a child looking up at their mom, who just them caught stealing a cookie from the cookie jar. To his surprise, you don't show any hint of anger. A flash of confusion—and is that worry he sees?—crosses your face for a split second before you shrug and turn towards your room to change, dropping the subject. It was natural for you two to use each other's phones anyways. So then why did you have that look of worry?

Jake knows you well, a little too well. But that's what you love about him. He can easily read all your emotions. One of the many things he picked up from dating you for almost two years now. But why would you care if he tried to get into your phone? Why would that worry you? All the possibilities run through head and his own worry begins to increase. He trusts you. He does.

So then why does the thought bother him throughout the entire day? Why does he bring it up during dinner later that night, when you're both cuddled on your sofa, slurping take-out ramen while rewatching your favorite k-drama under the thick blanket that you always keep in your living room for nights like these?

"Huh? Of course I've heard from Jay today, we had that conversation about that stupid meme you boys kept laughing about in the groupchat we're all in, didn't we?" You answer him when he asks if you've heard from Jay lately. You sit up from your warm spot under Jake's arm to put your empty bowl on the coffee table in front of you. When you lean back, you look up at him,

"Why do you ask?"

"Oh, it's nothing, just wondering," he says, avoiding your eyes by keeping his own trained on the series currently playing on your TV. This would be your third time rewatching this series together. He would never complain to you though, he knows how much you love it and if he were being honest, he was secretly attached to the characters—not that he would ever tell you, he would never hear the end of it from you and the boys.

"You're being weird. Just tell me, or did you forget that I can practically read your mind," you say with a giggle and shove to his side, the one you were currently warmly cuddled into. Jake wasn't the only one who learned how to read emotions; you could read him just as well as he could read you. And like you, that's one of the many things he loved about you. But maybe not in this case.

He toyed around with the contents inside his ramen bowl with his chopsticks.

"I just..." God, how does he word this? Why was he having trouble explaining it? You were the easiest person to talk to. To him, you were the only person he could tell everything to.

"Jaywastextingyouabunchearlier," he blurts out quickly, but not quickly enough for you to miss it.

He feels you shift under his arm. He feels the air in the room shift. Tension.

"What?" Now you're sitting upright, legs criss-crossed in front of you on the couch but turned, so your body is completely facing him. He mirrors you, sitting up to put his ramen bowl next to yours on the surface, but he stays facing the TV.

"Your phone kept going off because of him when you were showering," he says with a little more confidence. But inside, he was nervous as hell, the same nervous as when he asked you out for the first time many moons ago. But it's too late to back out now, he brought it up first, anyways. Guess we're having this conversation now, good going Jake!

"Is that why you tried unlocking my phone earlier? I mean I thought you were just trying to leave selfies on my phone like you always do but you were trying to read my texts?" You question, slightly raising your soft voice. He doesn't know how to react, he hates confrontation.

"It wasn't like that, Jay just kept spamming you and like I—why was he even texting you in the first place? Then your phone got disabled because you changed your password, which you never do by the way, so I–"

"I changed it because my little sister kept getting into my phone when I went to visit my family yesterday! Did you really think I was hiding something from you? You know I can text whoever I want, right? You don't own me."

Okay so now he's managed to make you angry. Good going Jake, part 2!

"Okay but what does Jay need from you so bad that he has to send you like 50 messages at once?" He's standing now. So are you, eyebrows furrowed together as you collect your bowls from the table.

Standing there, bowls in hand, you say, "Jake, that's none of your business! It wasn't even that big of a deal, I don't know why you felt the need to nosy around."

"Well, if he's texting you non-stop, then obviously it's a big deal! We wouldn't even be having this conversation if you would just tell me what you guys were talking about," he murmurs back, eyes narrowing. You scoff as you trail into your kitchen. He follows behind and stops at the other side at your kitchen island as you place the dirty dishes into the sink.

"No, we're having this conversation because you obviously don't trust me! It doesn't matter what we were talking about, it doesn't matter who I was texting! I could be texting your mother and I shouldn't have to tell you what we were talking about! That's why we're having this conversation," you say as you turn back to face him from the other end.

He hates this. He hates fighting with you (which is a very, very rare occasion). He hates that you think he doesn't trust you. He hates his insecurity eating at him, telling him to keep questioning you on why you and Jay were talking in the first place. He was aware that you were close with his friends, but it wasn't until the texts he realized just how close you are with them. It's not that he didn't trust you, he just didn't know how to act when it came to you and other guys. God knows how he got lucky enough to meet you, let alone date you, so the thought of him losing you to someone else actually terrified him. Not only were you his first real relationship, but he wanted you to be his first and only one in life. You were it for him.

"Why did he text you." He deadpans from his side of the kitchen.

You scoff with a hint of exasperation. "You're kidding me."

You stare at him. He stares back, quirking an eyebrow, as if restating the same question back, as if testing you.

You're fuming now. Why was he making it so hard? Why was he doubting you? Out of frustration, you start laughing, which scares him. That can't be good.

"Fine. You wanna know so bad? Take a look," you're one tone level away from screaming as you take your phone out of your pocket, unlock it, and open up your conversation with "bluejay park", sliding the phone across the island to reach him.

Jake stares at the phone which now lies there, unlocked, facing him. Isn't this what he wanted? It is, right? That's why he started this dreaded argument with you in the first place.

Then why does he feel so fucking awful?

He looks back up at you, to see you sighing and looking up at the ceiling, as if trying to force your forming tears back into your eyes.

Yup, he feels horrible.

"Happy? Happy to know we were just trying to plan a surprise birthday party for you but you and your jealously just had to know huh, Jake?" You quickly state, voice cracking, as you tried not to choke up. You weren't sad that he found out about the surprise. You were sad that it felt like he didn't trust you. That he thought you were the type of person to do god knows what behind his back. You hated the feeling of not being trusted. Especially by Jake, of all people.

"Fuck."

Jake's face (and heart) falls with the most broken expression you've ever seen. But you're too sad, angry, tired (a mix of all?) to care. Your only goal right now is to not let him see you cry.

You hurry past him, across your apartment, and into your bedroom, slamming the door behind you, leaving behind a shocked, and regretful, Jake.

His heart shrinks when he hears the door slam shut and a little more when he looks down at the still unlocked phone in front of him. He didn't have the heart in him to look at it anymore. Of course he trusted you, he knew what you said was the truth.

He mentally screams at himself for assuming the worst––for thinking that you, a literal angel, would betray him. First, he thought he was losing you to someone else. Now, he was afraid he just lost you through his own actions.

He hesitantly sulks over to your door, softly knocking when he reaches it.

"Y/N?"

No response.

"Y/N, I'm so sorry. I didn't know, I let my—”

"Jake just please leave me alone for now," he hears you painfully say from a distance, meaning you're on your bed. He knows the door's unlocked—the lock on your door hasn't been working for a long time now, despite the many times he tells you to talk to your landlord about it. But he doesn't find it in him to open it. He knows he messed up. If he saw you in there right now, crying, he wouldn't know what to do. He wouldn't know what he would to do himself, knowing he was the reason behind your tears.

He nods in silence, knowing you can't see him, but does so anyways and returns to his spot on the couch. He could leave right now, go back to the dorm with the rest of the guys, let you have your space like you wanted. But his heart hurts at the idea of leaving you sad, angry, or a combination of both. He can't leave this unresolved. He fucked up, he has to fix it.

And so he sits on your couch for another hour. The clock on the wall behind him continues to tick as the silent tension in your apartment continues to grow. When it hits 11pm and he's sure you've slumbered off into sleep, he quietly enters your room.

He can see your figure in the dark, your back facing the door as you're curled up into yourself under the comforter. He feels his heart drop a little more when he imagines you crying in that position from earlier. He slowly peels the comforter open and gets into his side of the bed, careful not to bother your sleeping figure.

Laying there, staring up at the ceiling, he's never felt more like a stranger in your bed. It's not that he hasn't slept over before, god knows he's probably slept over at your place more than he has in his own bed. But right now, in this moment, he just felt awful. Like he didn't deserve to be in such close proximity to you. How could he be deserving? He violated your privacy, made you feel like you weren't trusted, doubted your relationship.

These thoughts run through Jake's head as he stares up at your ceiling fan, wishing he could turn back time to a few hours ago, before he checked your phone, before he let his insecurities get to the best of him.

You can feel the dip he makes in the bed behind you when he gets in. Of course you're not asleep. There's no way sleep could reach you when you had the recent events constantly replaying in your head like a broken record.

You knew Jake with all your heart. You didn't have to look at him to know he was probably laying there, hurt, staring up at the ceiling, drafting what to say once you wake up—or once he knows you're actually still awake.

You decide to break the tension by turning to lay on your other side, facing him.

You were wrong. Thanks to the little sliver of moonlight shining through your sheer curtains, you can see him, now laying on his side, already looking at you with so much regret in his eyes. You can almost hear the cracks in your heart physically forming.

His eyes widen when he realizes you're still awake. He opens his mouth to say something, but not before you quickly shift over to his side of the bed and embrace him in a tight hold, burying your face into his chest. Without any hesitation, he returns the gesture, arms holding your body as close to him as possible. As if once he let go, he'd lose you forever.

He lets out a sigh of relief as he breathes you in. He didn't even know he was holding his breath all this time.

"I'm so sorry. I'm so, so sorry Y/N," he mutters into your hair. He feels his hoodie getting wet from where you buried your face. He pulls you closer, if that's even possible, feeling his own eyes heating up with sadness. He would never forgive himself for making you feel this way.

"You know I trust you right? Please know that. I shouldn't have assumed the worst when I saw your phone. I...I let my insecurities get to the best of me."

You move your head from its home on his chest to look up at him, as if asking him to elaborate. This was new to you, you didn't know he held insecurities in your relationship. But it wasn't because of you, no, you were his entire world. Losing you meant losing everything.

Jake's never been the best at saying his feelings. That's why it took him so long (with the help of his six best friends) to finally confess how he felt about you. He was afraid of letting people in if they could easily walk out. Maybe that's why he never let anyone into his life before you. But oh, were you an exception. The second he met you, he knew he was fucked. But thank god he did, because thanks to you, he's been able to be more open, more vulnerable. He's able to talk to you about anything and everything. He doesn't have that same fear of losing people anymore, not when he has you in his life to reassure him every step of the way. But right now, in this moment, he doesn't know how to tell you that his new fear was, in fact, just losing you.

The sheer idea of you not being a part of his life anymore terrified him.

"I hope you know you're never going to lose me Jake, if that's what you're insecure about," you softly mutter as you wrap your free arm that's not stuck in between both your bodies around him to gently play with the ends of his hair. It's as if you could read his mind, he loves that you know him so well.

"It just sucks that you could even think I would ever do something as awful as what you were assuming...with one of your closest friends nonetheless," you continue.

"I know. I know, and I feel terrible. I'm so sorry. I know you would never do anything remotely close to that, and I know you would never intentionally try to keep anything from me," he sighs. He shifts so he can lie down on his back, bringing you with him to lie on his chest, never letting you go once. "It's just...I just don't know what I'd do if I ever lost you Y/N. Everyday, I ask myself what heroic thing I must've done in my past life to deserve this life with you and I can't help but think you could just as easily be stripped away from me."

As much as your heart breaks listening to him rant, you feel your love for him grow even more. You knew how hard it was for him to put his true emotions into words, and him telling you this reminded you how much trust he had in you.

After some moments of silence, moments of him drawing random shapes onto your back, moments of you two just holding each other like it was the end of the world, you speak up.

"I love you. I'm sorry for making you doubt yourself—"

"No, it's not your fault, I can't help but think things like that. I just don't know what I did to deserve you, and I know that I need to be mo–"

"Babe let me finish," you say with a little giggle in your tone. He immediately stops and mutters a little "sorry". How cute, you tell yourself.

"I was gonna say," you look back up at him so you're making direct eye contact now. "You're the only one that's ever on my mind, Jake. I can't help the way you think, but I can assure you that there is no one else I would rather be with. And I mean that for the rest of life."

You snuggle back into the comfortable hoodie he's currently wearing (you make a mental note to yourself to steal it from him later) and decide to ease the tension,

"So you're stuck with me for life, sorry to inform you Mr. Sim."

Jake lets out a laugh, looking down at you to see you returning his smile with a cheeky one.

"I love you. So much," he says so sincerely, so genuinely, that you almost tear up again from how content you were. Now you were asking yourself, what did you do to deserve him?

Jake Sim is not a jealous person.

No, he just loves you.

A lot.

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tuiyla · 3 years ago

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are there ever moments where you like finn and think he’s a good character? just curious to know your thoughts

I really appreciate this question because it feels like an opportunity to explain myself when it comes to Finn. Because of that, this is going to be more general thoughts Anon but if you'd still like specific moments and I didn't cover what you wanted me to please let me know and we can do a part two. Cause this certainly isn't going to be a purely Finn positive post lol but on that note let's jump right in.

So I got this ask after my all-day dramatics about season 3A/ Mash Off and IKAG on Saturday and, I'm assuming, because I had a few anti Finn things to say that day. In fact, that tag has been seeing more action lately so I totally get why this question would come up. The short answer is that yes, there are and I do, but this is me so there's a much longer explanation lmao.

First, I think liking a character and thinking they're a good character can be very different things. Ultimately, these two categories of likeability and being a good character (or not) overlap with Finn for me because my problems with him are very, very often rooted in how the show treats him rather than his actions. I'm very aware that I've been harsh on him in the past, recent past, but I swear an awful lot of that is just trying to counterbalance the show because it's refusing to see the wrong in his actions 90% of the time. And that's incredibly frustrating when it's frankly to the detriment of not only other characters but to Finn, too. Which is what I mean when I say that his (lack of) likeability overlaps with his status as a good/bad character. And I realize not everyone considers framing as much as I do, that's also a valid perspective. But for me, when Finn is framed so, so often as the hero even when he does something pretty appalling, that's hard to ignore. And for the record I'm not just talking about The Outing here, that's the tip of the iceberg. He's repeatedly awful to both Quinn and Rachel, among other sins that frustrate me.

But! Your ask was about positivity and I wanna honour that. So with that brief summary of issues I have with Finn out of the way, yes, I can enjoy him at times. Rewatching the series I do find that I’m annoyed at him a lot but here’s the thing, I think there’s real potential in Finn’s character. And it’s not like Cory Monteith wasn’t the perfect guy to execute all that so I’m not sure why the writers still insisted on ruining this character by putting him on a pedestal. Just before you sent this ask I actually asked @md-drawz about Finn (thoughts which I swear I will reply to) precisely because there are aspects of him I like and wanted to get a different perspective from someone who also enjoys him more in fanon.

I shouldn’t go on more than I already am but basically, I really like the concept of Finn struggling to live up to the expectations of the All-American quarterback. I think he’s super insecure and anxious form the start about peaking in high school and being a Lima loser and yet can’t escape the pull of the high school status quo. He wants to conform so badly but that comes with accepting bullying and not standing for Glee Club peeps. Even as ND’s leader he struggles because of this, because popularity is just as important to him as it is to Quinn and he has a very unstable sense of identity so he puts it all into how his peers perceive him. This makes him flawed as both a character and especially as a leader and I’d honestly love that, if he was allowed to sit with these flaws and then grow from them. I think there’s a genuinely interesting story here that I could go on about but again, potential part two if you/people are interested. What I’m trying to say with this is that I like many of the ideas surrounding his character and themes Glee could have explored.

In practice, well, like I say the writers always putting him on a pedestal means he ends up frustrating me quite often. Because what could be a good story turns into the triumph of straight white mediocrity and feels unearned, especially in a narrative that is otherwise so obsessed with the underdog. But when I switch that hypercritical part of my brain off, I do enjoy him at times. I’m looking forward to rewatching season 4 because, save for some rough bits, I actually really enjoyed his story there. I like when he’s allowed to just be a goofy guy, when his good intentions actually show and don’t end in disaster, when he realizes that being a leader is about enabling others to shine. I like a lot of the Furt and otherwise family stuff.

I swear I don’t, like, decide to hate Finn whenever I watch Glee. And I don’t hate him, I just get so frustrated at how he’s treated as this golden child and particularly how that contrasts with Quinn when they’re actually more alike in some ways than people would think. It’s hard for me to ignore specific cases of him quit frankly sucking so much, like The Outing and many Rachel/Quinn interactions - I wish I trusted him around women. But I try to see the interesting bits in his story and cut him slack because I recognize fundamental problems with Glee’s worldview and I try not to blame Finn for them.

After I rewatched IKAG I had less of a taste for it but I’m actually writing what’s looking to be a looong essay about the four main popular kids, so that includes Finn. In that, I show him as much empathy and cut him as much slack as I do Quinn, Puck and yes, Santana, believe it or not. I also have a post planned about IKAG where I explain how I’d do right by Santana but, surprisingly enough, also Finn. Because like I said, his treatment was to his detriment as well. A character can’t grow if the writers barely recognize their mistakes as mistakes and that’s just sad. So my point with this paragraph is that if I didn’t care for him at all I wouldn’t be doing these, but I do feel like most of my positive feelings towards Finn come from fanon and how I choose to view him.

That... turned out less coherent than I wanted it to. Well, Anon, I hope I could still provide you with some kind of answer and if you were looking for my thoughts, certainly got a few of those! I find it hard not to be pissed off at Finn when watching the show but I would like to rehabilitate him in fanon.

#glee asks #anon #okay so imma tag it as anti just cause i am still critical of him #but know that i do say nice things lol #anti finn hudson #finn hudson #he's... a complicated topic in my eyes #but i appreciate this ask and the way it's worded #and i'm sorry that after the wait i still wasn't all that structure dlol #i need to look over this tomorrow #i fucked around with giffing too much and couldn't give this enough time oops

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kaz11283 · 4 years ago

Text

Fire and Ice: Chapter 4

Chapter Summary: you get to meet mor of the team members and you get adjusted to your new life in the tower. Loki is still giving you the cold shoulder.

Loki Masterlist

~~~~

Thor showed you the rest of the tower before leading you down to the living room where the rest of the team was.

"Lady y/n, this is the living space. Most of the time this is were everyone is together. Meet the avengers." You gave a slight wave to everyone that was there. You notices Nat and Clint sitting together toward the back of the room and smiled, Bucky and Sam were having some sort of disagreement while Steve just laughed shacking his head. When he notice you he stood walking over to greet you.

"You'll have to ignore those two. If theres something to disagree with they'll find it. Steve Rodgers ma'ma, pleasure to meet you." He stuck his hand out shacking yours.

"Nice to meet you too Steve. I've heard a few things about you. My roommate is a big fan." You smiled. Looking around you noticed Loki sitting by one of the windows staring straight at you, you felt your heart flip a few times before smiling at him. He rolled his eyes and went back to reading whatever he was reading. "See Thor, he absolutely hates me." You whisperer.

"Hes just trying to adjust." Thor placed his hamd on your lower back guiding you through yet another door. This one lead to a high tech lab where Tony and Bruce were at.

"If it isnt the man who completely uprooted me, brought me to a undisclosed location, and didnt take no for an answer. Its a pleasure to meet you Mr. Stark." You smiled sticking out your hand.

"Now in my defence I didnt bring you to an undisclosed location. I think everone knows where the tower is located. But after the compound is built no one is gonna be able to find us." He laughed taking your hand, you noticed him looking you over. "Your smaller than I would have imagined. Complete opposite from what I had compared you to. Not as .... Ummm... Pointy." He made a weird jester with his hands. You could only assume he was comparing you to Loki.

"Well as they say Mr. Stark, I do have horns holding up this halo." You laughed.

"I like her. Lets just get rid of reindeer games and keep her." He said pointing a screwdriver at you smiling. "Oh, heres this, state of the art Stark Macbook and Stark Phone. Online classes start for you Monday, you have all your normal classes. They will just be broadcasted to you on here, yes you can go back and rewatch them but you do still need to be there for the live feed also. If you need the book heres a card, use that for you. No limit." He handed you a black Mastercard.

"I truly appreciate it, really, but I cant take this." You tried handing it back.

"You can, you will. Everyone in the tower has one, no limits. Well Nat and Pepper have limits, I swear between those two i would be broke in no time. Anyways, not the point, you'll also need training gear. Use it for that if nothing else."

"Thank you Mr. Stark. Really for everything." You said grabbing the dtuff he had given you an slipping the card into your back pocket.

"Stop calling me that, Mr. Stark was my father. Tony will be fine." He said getting back to what he was working on.

"I call him Man of Iron." Thor said placing his hand on your lower back leading you out.

"Dont, for gods sakes, dont call me that." Tony yelled after you.

"Everyone is meeting in the living room for a movie of you would like to join us." Thor asked. You were completly drained from your firdt day at the tower, had it really just been this morning since you were in your own room? It felt like eons ago.

"No Thor, I just want to go take a shower, adjust to everything going on, and unpack my stuff. Maybe look for somethings to decorate my room, but thank you." You turned walking back to your room in silence.

On your way to your room your mind was all over the place, how did you not know that you were from Asguard, had your parents not really been there your whole life? Did your parents even actually exist or was it some made up something or other like a dream? You had just talked to your mom yesterday, maybebit was just some mind control thing making you beleive you had been talking to her. You placed your hand on the bridge of your nose rubbing it as you leanes aginst a wall trying to collect your thoughts.

"You seen very troubled." His voice ws like silk, you had only heard it once before but you knew when you looked up you would see him standing there in his usual green and black. You knew this man didnt like you but something inside of you drew you to him. When you looked up he was leaning aginst the wall directly in front of you, looking like he was trying to figure out an answer to a ridiculously hard question.

"I just want to know why this is happening? Are my parents even real? Do I have powers? What are they if i do. I just want to know. Why do you hate me?" You sighed leaning your head back aginst the cool wall. You heard his breath catch, before you knew it he was directly in front of you, hands on either side trapping you there. Your heart lept, not from the danger that you were in, but the closeness.

"I do not hate you, I could never hate you. You do not realize this but we were ment to be together, two parts of a whole. You can not stand here and tell me you do not feel drawn to me as I am you. I have loved you from the day we first met so long ago, playing as kids in my mothers garden. It simply pains me that you do not remember us, what we had, our past. Darling trust my words when I say that if Odin wasnt dead I would surly kill him for taking you from me and making me beleive you dead for all these years." He leaned down breathing in your scent and gently leaving a kiss on our cheek before turning around and walking off leaving you even more confused and jittery than you were.

~~~~

Chapter 5

~~~~~

Tag list:

@kgirardin

@sophlubbwriting

@supbeeches

@high-functioning-lokipath

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