#well there's my sister's bday but that's on xmas and that's so far away

[jashne-bahaaraa]

so tired of pretending i understand shit

[gwassysworld-blog]

homosexuality and autism... or is it?? hmmm

my 15 year old son who has autism also believes he is a homo sexual... why do I say believes... 1. he has autism... do you know anything about autism? he doesn't really even understand relationships or feelings. he takes everything literal. there is no black and white... infact one time he was watching old tv with me. he looked at me and asked, mom when did the world get color? what?? he didn't realize that tv just didn't have color.. he thought the whole world was black and white... this was a few months ago.. I love him to death. ok also with autism he is very block headed, once he decides something, no matter what evidence there is to prove him wrong.. if it doesn't agree with his idea its wrong.. as I I can give him 1000000 reasons why he shouldn't sit and watch youtube for 12 hours straight.. and none of those reasons are right, because he cant see past what he wants to do. so no concept of relationships, very literal, block headed...

the #2 reason I say believes is because he was sexually abused by a male. will get to this in another blog... not what I want to focus on today. so you take the autism... you take that he was given physical attention by someone, whether it was wrong or not, that sex saw interest in him.

he came out in 8th grade.. well he didn't really come out, we found gay porn on his phone during a random phone check... shortly after that he told me he was gay... and then last year he told me he wanted to be a girl... there is nothing more in the world that I want than for my kids to be happy. I was obviously ok with the gay stuff for him to be able to open up to me about the other life changing event. but I didn't know how to respond to this. No... my answer was no. this gender identity stuff going on is so confusing, I think the high schools should offer update class, because we did not use these terms when we were in high school... and hey I experimented... but now your identified by the sex you could love and the sex you would ... sex... and gender fluent.. my son has tried to give me several lectures about being gender fluent.. and not assuming gender.. its annoying as it is.. but then he tells me I'm assuming the bananas gender and it goes to far. one hes 15... yes hes growing up, but theres appropriate and inappropriate conversations.. and the xmas dinner table with the whole family, ages 2 and up.. isn't the place. oh educate them young.. maybe in ur house but we don't talk sex period at the table.. I was raised seen and not heard till ur out on u own.. so trust me I'm lenient with shit. I don't care that he says hes gay, he has never pursued a relationship, I don't think he ever would but I wouldn't care if he did.. love shouldn't be limited to trying to find it in one group.. but dressing like a girl..  that wasn't a decision I wanted to make for him. so I tucked my tail between my legs and told him that when he is 18 and he is at an age that he does not need to ask for permission, then he can dress how ever he wants.. but since he feels he needs to ask permission its not a decision he is making on his own so no... but I told him for his past bday his one friend, a girl who dresses like a boy, could give him a make over. and she did she brought wigs and makeup, bra, dress,..... omg he looked so much like his little sister. and then he was over it... he still bring it up every so often.. mainly tho he will get mad for me buying him “boy colored” stuff.. and I'm like why do u have to consider a colors gender... I'm a girl and I like blue.. just take it.. I didn't buy it cause ur a boy and its blue... so the other day we go and buy him and his sister new winter coats.. he of course didn't go with us because that would be cutting into his youtube time.. we get home and as a little silly I handed him my daughters coat... black with hot pink lining and hot pink fuzzy hood and flowers on it.... omg he was so pissed off it wasn't the reaction we were expecting at all.. he was like why???????? would you get me this? what do u mean why.. its not blue.. I wasn't assuming its gender I thought u would like it... threw it on the ground and stomped away like a heterosexual teenager would. then I gave him his real grey winter coat... whooooops... he laughed once he realized it was a joke..

random... I feel like I just have to get through this.. get him to 18 with doing as little damage as I can to him... the kids hole child hood was fucked.. but like me, it was what was normal and he road along.. he deserved a lot better but it is what it is, now hes almost the same age I was when I had him.. get him to there.. and then what.. honestly I keep praying he gets it together and puts in effort to get his grades up, some how miraculously gets into college,, suddenly learns how to at least give himself the 5 different pills he takes each day, can figure out how to keep up with his school work without me needing to talk to his teachers almost daily. maybe he will go to college... we are trying for a technical school next year for his junior year to take computer programming classes, but he wants to take the drama class again for a 3rd time.. so will see which way he goes with that one.. grrrrrr.. theres not much he can do on his own.. but the kid is brilliant, he tests at the top of the state, he has a photographic memory, but he thinks that's all he needs.. he thinks he doesn't need to show anyone how smart he is, everyone should just know... hes just more of an 8 year old maturity wise.. part of me keeps hoping he is just growing up slower.. part of me thinks he will always be stuck at 8.. guess will have to see.