#well its. its definitely not me theyre talking to over the airwaves anymore
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#feelin. real weird!! bad!! but also maybe not?? maybe less bad#tuned in to their show. knew it wasnt smart or... kind/careful with my self but. listened for a while anyway#but. after hearing their voice and then listening to the music for a little while i was able to like. actually ask myself why tf i was#doing that when it fucking hurts sm#and part of the answer was ''bc i miss them'' ...but ik ill miss them whether or not i listen so thats out. then part of the answer was#''bc i feel kinda obligated'' ...but. i have zero duty+/obligation to them now? +didnt rly in the first place? just liked making them happy#and *thats* not really smth i should concern myself with now. so... thats out too ig#but. if im being totally honest: most of the answer was just. ''im doing it *bc* it hurts.''#and like. making myself admit that. and sit with it. was what let me finally turn it off#took me long enough but. ig im. hm. ig im not going to tune back in?#i havent missed one of their radio broadcasts since they very first started... we werent talking then#so i didnt even know it was happening but. then they mentioned it on that first walk back again and i#i wouldnt have missed it for the damn world. i tuned it to that second broadcast and then tuned in again and again and again and.#they said they were talking specifically to me#every time. that i was the ''baby'' they didnt want to touch that dial. that i was#i was. i#hhhhh fuck#well its. its definitely not me theyre talking to over the airwaves anymore#hm. i think maybe thats the last reason i was still listening. i wanted them to still be talking to me#thats. god thats fucking pathetic huh#in part bc yeah. its stupid for the one who walked out + blocked + left + ghosted to be the one still listening#but. moreso bc. god how stupid to think any of that was real#when hearing them talk AT me over the goddamn RADIO was more than i heard them say face to face for MONTHS#oh now im angry again. huh. thats weird#but. holy fuck?? in the last three months i thjnk we called three times. saw each other in person the same amount. but i tuned into their#damn RADIO SHOW every fucking WEEK. id fucking RUN home from rehearsal so i could sit in my damn bedroom alone and imagine they were#playing those songs for me. because they SAID they were. and id text them the whole fucking time!! bc i thought they were doing a fantastic#fucking job and i wanted them to know that!! i was trying SO FUCKING HARD to just CONNECT and feel CONNECTSD and#huh. yeah. im way more upset about rhis than i realised#thats. kinda fucken wild tbqh. i was only mad at myself before; for being so pathetic but. the whole thing was fucked up huh?? fucken hell.
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