#well blah blah blah helmet kink blah blah blah

[skitskatdacat63]

This is a special genre of f1 picture(to ME.)

[wittypenguin]

Flash Gordon (1980)

I have never seen this. Ever. I had some expectations going in because it had been referred to by many people over the years, but these are basically unedited and verbatim notes as I watched the film, often with time references for those who wish to follow along with their own viewing of this cinematic milestone (and God help you all).

So… this is, at its core, a ‘comic book hero film’ sort of thing, much like Marvel or some such, except it’s totally aware of its ridiculousness, apparently. The character began as a comic strip character, then Universal bought the rights to transition it into a movie serial, which would have been seen weekly at the cinema prior to a matinee feature [plus, apparently even the evening shows]. I’ve actually seen a partial run of the Buster Crabb “Flash Gordon Against Ming the Merciless” series (not sure if that’s the title), so I already have an entry point. At least, I think I do. Let’s find out. 

We start on Mongo and someone’s attempt at ‘serious computer graphics’ that is super simple, and I think I’ve seen out-performed on TRS-80s about three years later. 

QUEEN!! Sing along, people!

Weather and earthquakes on Earth are controlled by Ming. Boys will be boys, and he’s just having fun! Look at him go!

Why didn’t they put Freddie Mercury in the cast as someone like Ming? He’d have been great. What a missed opportunity. 

Ming has a “hot hail” setting on his weather-o-matic!

Huh. Ming is sending lava balls now. Unique!

Flash Gordon is not only on the cover of People, he’s also on this airplane. He’s chatting up the only other passenger: a lady travel agent. 

Who is this super-dreamy guy playing Flash? Is my gaydar supposed to be going off like this?

0:07:20 • So, when you were training to fly planes, Flash, did they tell you what CAUSES THE SKY TO TURN THE DEEP RED COLOUR OF BLOOD…‽

0:08:00 • Topol, previously seen as ‘Tevya’ in Fiddler on the Roof, is playing a ‘fringe element’ scientist whose theories are called “insane.” Well, let’s hear from him, shall we? [:: blah blah blah::] Yup, checks out! He’s been arguing for years that the Earth will be attacked! Okay, he’s right about it, but… he’s a nutbar. 

Who is playing Munson? He’s great! [turns out it’s William Hootkins, best known as ‘Red Leader’ in Star Wars, with the memorable line “Almost there… almost there…” in the run through the trench to drop a missile down the throat of the Death Star]

How does Topol immediately identify moon rock samples after they arrive in the lab both red hot and smoking? Also, how can he tell the moon is being hit by a ray of some sort? He’s got all the answers just a little too quickly. Is he a part of this attack plan? 

0:09:59 • Why is Munson running away, Topol? BECAUSE YOU’RE POINTING A GUN AND ORDERING HIM TO FLY INTO SPACE!

0:10:44 • I’ve just noticed that Flash is wearing a shirt with his own name on it. Is this to help him remember it, or to help people identify his body if he’s killed? Surely his rugged good looks would suffice?

0:16:20 • Okay, so they’re in space now, and I’ve just realized how co-ordinated his outfit is to the one the lady he rescued is wearing. It’s almost like it was designed that way. 

I’m impressed with the model work in this. This is only a couple of years after Star Wars, after all. 

0:18:00 • The whole landing on Mongo sequence has got to be a double of the original Buster Crabbe one. I remember the ship coming in like a plane, rather than landing like a rocket might. 

Oh good, Flash has introduced himself to Dale again. This is at least the second time he’s done it. In case she can’t read his shirt, I guess. 

0:19:44 • Oddly, the first thought one might have is fairly unlikely to be ‘is this organized as a police state which I can lead in a campaign of open revolt?’ The local government system model really wouldn’t be what I would focus on, guys. 

Huh! A floating orb. With eyes. And speech. 

John Hallam, Brian Blessed, and Ted Carroll in Flash Gordon (1980)

0:20:50 • Leather boys with wings & helmets? There has to be a name for this kink. They are a group of kinksters, right?

Brian Blessed’s beard has never been so large. It’s possibly bigger than his voice!

Oh! They see ’re ‘Hawkmen!’

Who’s this gold-Chrome version of Skeletor…? Klytus is his name. [played by Peter Wyngarde]

There’s a small person named ‘Fellini.’ [played by Deep Roy; no, really, that’s his name] Okay…

0:27:30 • What in blazes is Dale experiencing? Is she having an orgasm? [apparently she’s experiencing a idiom of a picnic with Ming, complete with food, etc]

0:32:30 • After a football sequence, complete with Brian Blessed having far too much fun with his mace, now Flash is in a jail, wearing some sort of upturned bucket on his head, which was designed to look even more ridiculous than an upturned bucket ever could. 

I’m not sure if this film influenced Terry Gilliam or Luc Besson more?

0:35:50 • Why is Flash now wearing leather bootie shorts? Is that de reguerre for Mongo executions?

0:41:00 • Dr Zarkhov’s memory is being emptied. ��My mind is all I have!” If only he were a rich man…

0:52:20 • In the middle of a bunch of people wearing virtual reality headsets in a security office, there’s an old electric microphone from the 1940s. Sure!

0:57:00 • So, the tree people test a young man’s coming of age — after there’s some sort of circle jerk — by getting him to shove his hand into a massive stump and grab a poisonous thing.

Sorry, “wood beast.”

Leave him! He’s mine. I hunt him alone!

This is wonderful!

Sam J. Jones [centre, waaaaaay in the back] in Flash Gordon (1980)

So this ‘Arborio’ is a cross between Endor and the swamp planet of Yoda [above]!

1:10:00 • I think Flash has been eaten by the farty area from Labyrinth. 

1:10:30 • If insects were spacemen, these would be their ships [above]. 

1:12:00 • It’s good they’ve found a shirt for Flash which has a symbol of a lightning bolt on it. It’s not quite as good as a Batlabel, but it’ll do. 

1:17:00 • Somehow, Brian Blessed even grins loudly. 

1:18:40 • The death of Klytus is extraordinary!

1:22:00 • Ming’s outfit is a cross between a Soviet General’s, a Supreme Court Judge’s robes, and an explosion in a glitter factory. 

1:25:30 • A pillow fight on satin lamé sheets? Really?

1:28:30 • I’d love to know how they created all of these clouds! They look great! Maybe it was coloured milk or tempura in water? [turns out I was guessing correctly]

Also, there are so many faces that look really familiar. They must have pulled every spare character actor they could lay their hands on. 

1:34:30 • I’m a little confused about this campaign. They blew a hole in the side of the ship, went in, then they’re… what, exactly?

1:35:45 • I love the Houdini line, but it would be better if it had a longer gap before they went back to him again. 

1:36:30 • Did so many beads have to die to make one film?

1:40:20 • Freeze, you bloody bastards!

Well, that was a great line too!

1:41:30 • Pretty sure those button sounds are a touch tone phone. 

1:44:10 • I’m a leaf on the wind. Watch me fly…

1:45:30 • What was the countdown for? It really ought to have been clearer. 

1:46:10 • Who in the hell names their kid “Flash,” anyway?

1:47:30 • “The end…?” Really?

1:48:10 • Not enough Queen for my liking. But this part is good during the credits. 

1:50:00 • There are a great number of people who, like Topol, are credited using a single name. [13, to be precise]

1:51:22 • Over and… wow! That is ridiculous!

★★★★☆