#well anyways congratulations shes not pregnant you fucking weirdos

[lilix-love]

You guys acted really weird about the Mel pregnancy theory

[zivazivc]

Pinocchio AU

Okay people want the explanation for this comic so here it goes. It’s long and complicated and MESSED UP because of course it is, this is me. I’m going to write in points because my small tired brain can’t handle good english atm but basically to sum up the Adrien was a sentimonster theory or Pinocchio AU as I like to call it:

Young married Emilie and Gabriel can’t have kids. Gabriel reluctantly accepts this fate and even brings up adoption as a possibility once, but Emilie doesn’t want to hear any of that. She’s a bit of a Marinette in the sense that she pictures this romanticized ideal life for herself and a child—her flesh and blood—HAS to be in it.

They keep trying to get a baby while other young families Emilie knows keep growing. She feels left out and hurt and depressed, then her newlywed twin sister announces she’s expecting a baby too and something within Emilie just unhinges.

She eventually lies to some of her friends, who she was out for coffee with, that she’s pregnant too. She mostly does it just to see their reaction and feel what it would be like but it quickly spirals out of control where she just starts pretending she’s pregnant until you can’t even tell if she believes it herself.

Gabriel is confused at first because he hears the news second hand (a friend/family member congratulating him) so he’s apprehensive when he approaches his wife but she convinces him that they really are getting a baby and Gabriel is ecstatic.

It’s only later at a doctor’s check up that Gabriel learns that she indeed is not pregnant. The doctor even speaks to him alone explaining that his wife is in denial and that he should make sure she goes to see a psychiatrist, something she definitely wouldn’t do alone.

Gabriel is unsuccessful with that because he’s not entirely persistent, doesn’t want to be the guy with the crazy wife having to tell everyone she lied about being pregnant, and hopelessly believes she’ll just get over it eventually.

That is until her “pregnancy is near due”—her sister already had Félix in England a few months ago—and he stumbles on her transformed with her peacock miraculous (they already have both of them) creating a sentimonster newborn.

They have a huge fight about it but because Emilie refuses to destroy it, won’t tell Gabriel where the amok is, and Gabriel can’t just hurt the baby with his hands, Emilie just… wins. Fucked up, yeah?

Now she tried creating kids before this one, using her imagination to try and blend her and Gabriel’s looks but it just wasn’t working. So she decided to copy of photos of baby Félix because he already looked almost like a copy of his mother, and Amélie and Emilie already looked alike so it’s not so weird?—is what her mind was telling her.

She didn’t dare alter his looks but she decided to give the baby Gabriel’s eye color to include the “father” in some way. (Yes in that comic I made I gave Adrien a mix of green and gray but that was mainly to get the point across to the perceptive readers)

Now we got Adrien, a normal baby boy to the whole world except for Gabriel who’s forced into his wife’s fantasy through social expectations.

Why are we only at this point and this post is already so long AAAAAAAA!!!

Adrien physically basically grows in a way where Emilie just keeps changing his appearance to match what Félix looked like a few months prior.

Mentally he’s like a robot just taking in information without really needing to learn it. So Emilie decides when he says his first word, she decides when he learns to walk,… He knows how to walk, he just wasn’t given the command to do so yet.

But even so he does develop a personality over time, just slower, because unlike a normal child who’s always testing his boundaries, how far they’re allowed to go until they’re in real trouble, Adrien just can’t misbehave. At all.

But he does have his favorite foods and favorite toys, and jokes that make him laugh the most. The problem is just that Emilie could just decide that his favorite food is strawberries and he’d just start acting accordingly, rewiring his belief. 

He also isn’t allowed to argue or be mean to others which is why Félix thinks he’s a goody two-shoes weirdo while Chloé the brat adores him.

This behavior isn’t so hard to hide with a toddler who’s fickle but it’s harder and harder as the kid grows. Which is why the family becomes very secluded over time.

Gabriel always keeps distance with his “son”. He’s not Dad, he’s Father, he doesn’t do hugs and cuddles, he doesn’t say I love you. But Adrien knows he loves him because his mom told him so and he loves him back unconditionally because Mom said that’s what families do.

Now even though Gabriel is traumatized by this whole ordeal and knowing Adrien “isn’t real” freaks him out he does soften a bit over time. I’m going to give an awful example but like someone who hates cats softening for a cat that their partner/roommate decided to get/had from before. Continuing with this example: But still becoming appalled when the cat starts acting odd/unusually.

Okay I think you get the gist. Let’s move on…

Emilie loves her son more and more as he grows and his sentimonster behaviours start bothering her more and more too. She hates being reminded that he’s not a real boy by people mentioning he looks young for his age because Emilie forgot to make him grow for a while. She hates when he does everything like he’s told. She hates that he has no real friends because they’re afraid to expose him to the outside too much and without supervision. She hates to think about his future.

Her desire for him to be real keeps growing and is what drives her to search for a solution in the miraculous spellbook.

She cracks the script after years, when Adrien is nearly a teen, and finds a way to transfer the creators soul into a sentimonster.

It’s a long process that takes time and while she falls ill to everyone around her, Adrien becomes more real.

Gabriel starts realizing what’s happening when he notices Adrien hesitate for a second when he’s playing a video game and Gabriel wants him to do something, groan when he gets bothered watching TV, huff, complain, have slightly opposing opinions to his and Emilie’s, when he argues with his mother when she tells him she’s feeling fine; when he notices his son’s eyes are greener. Or is it all in his head?

He confronts his wife too late, when she’s extremely ill already, her normally vibrant eyes dulled match Adrien’s bluish gray, and he pieces together in his head what she’s doing.

Before Gabriel could properly think what to do to stop the love of his life from turning into a lifeless doll, in a fit of panic he tries to take her wedding band (where he knows Adrien’s amok is) to get rid of Adrien instead, but is unsuccessful in getting it off her so he snatches her peacock brooch instead (which she needs to complete the spell obvs) and breaks it. (Heyoo! broken peacock miraculous. things are coming together)

Because the spell was almost complete anyway it’s Emilie who falls unconscious. But she doesn’t disappear because she’s not a real sentimonster, she just becomes dormant like one.

This is the point in the story where Gabriel makes it seem like Emilie ran away or something like that—basically disappear. Now he’s living knowing he has an almost sentimonster wife in the basement, knowing he almost killed his son (or her), and having to care for a son that suddenly became much more alive, questioning, arguing, angry, screaming, not accepting, crying, grieving, staring at him with Emilie’s eyes.

Instead of becoming a real parent, Gabriel shuts him out.

Soon Adrien evolves desires for socializing, company, getting away from the suffocating home which eventually leads to him going to a public school.

He slowly starts to live life freely without the restrictions that were put around his thoughts.

Gabriel has an even stranger relationship with Adrien now because he still loves him in a way but also holds resentment toward him. But mostly he sees him as something valuable.

The show happens here…  And now finally we get to the comic…

Gabriel gets a hold of the ladybug and black cat miraculouses. (There’s no epic fight in his lair as you see there’s no Ladybug in the comic but that’s not really important)

What’s important is that Gabriel had deciphered the miraculous spellbook with the help of Emilie’s notes and had decided to use the unification’s “wish” power to awaken Emilie.

He’s aware he’ll need to sacrifice something for the wish to come true and he’s certain Adrien should be enough because the soul inside him is literally the one thing Emilie is missing.

✨Adrien (poor boy just lost his miraculous) is taken to Gabriel’s lair, where he finds out his father is Hawk Moth, sees his mother, learns he’s a sentimonster, and that he’s going to become a sacrifice ✨

Of course the last part is not what happens. It’s Gabriel who ends up being sacrificed.

I can’t decide if Gabriel ends up sacrificing himself because he changed his mind in the last moment while Adrien was screaming for him to stop, OR  because he didn’t love Adrien enough for him to be considered an equal exchange for his wife… O.O

But anyhow…

Emilie wakes up with Gabriel’s soul within her (hence the bluish gray eyes in the comic).

Adrien is traumatized for life.

This took me hours to write… I knew there was a reason why I didn’t want to do it. I hope I didn’t forget anything and my brain made sense of it all

Well there you have it, peeps. The Pinocchio AU. It’s as messed up as my sleep schedule. Good night. 

[tellywoodtrash]

immj2 09.10.20 lb

lol, lemme preface this by telling you what i know about the show from my out-of-context insta-viewing:

kabir sends his gf riddhima in to spy on vansh RAISINGHANIA (naam ka wazan check karein ji. kaafi hi bhaari-bharkam, just like the fake baritone the actor playing the character is being forced to put on.) vansh is some kinda shady, but idk WHAT SPECIFIC KIND of shady..... like is he just your garden-variety-evil-capitalist-ala-ambani-bezos, or is he into shit like drug smuggling and human/organ trafficking???? no one knows. maybe a little bit of both. but kabir’s a COP, and we all know that those fuckers are the shadiest shits around (#ACAB) so yeah, true to type, kabir shadyyyyyyyy. he’s actually the secret illegitimate son of vansh’s stepmom and together they wanna ruin vansh and take all his monies. so anyway, kabir sends in riddhima, who’s just a whole special brand of dumbass, but also extraordinarily determined in the way only tellywood heroines are. so she’s basically sticking her nose everywhere that doesn’t belong and being a pain in the ass of literally everyone in the show, including her own (coz she seems to get injured in novel and entertaining ways in every second episode.) kabir ultimately manipulates her into marrying vansh, while vansh has apparently married her KNOWING that she’s a spy and is probably playing the long game to see who her puppet-master is. long story short, heterosexuality is too potent a force and the Stupid Spy Girl and Gangsta Guy are currently slowly giving in to the Feelz™, despite missing that one-little-teensy-weensy-who-even-needs-it-in-a-real-relationship thing. y’know, that little thing called, idk, i think it’s called “TRUST” or some such strange unheard-of concept.

oh, in between all this there’s also some bizarre plot about some ex of vansh’s called ragini, who’s dead??? missing? idk. kabir is real interested in that and wants to jail vansh for it, but we’ve long forgotten about ragini by this point #RIPSis anyway, there’s some kinda statue of her’s in the attic or some shit, coz vansh is some kinda modern day gender-reversed medusa who turns women who cross him into statues??? idk man, idk. so riddhima is pretty much in constant danger of being statue-d.

also vansh has a requisite irritating famiy in tow, that he’s burdened with being in charge of (coz no rest for the unfortunate eldest son who lives in this godforksaken mansion, be that an oberoi or a raisinghania) feat: a dadi who is well-meaning, but as annoying as the one in IB was, constantly spouting platitudes about how vansh and Spy Girl trooooooly lurrrrrrrrrrve each other *kissy noises*; some chachi/chacha who are all “HEY WHY DOES HE GET TO BE THE BOSS, WE WANT CONTROL OF THE CRORE-ON KA BIJNESS TOO”, some very fake kanji-eyed siblings/cousins who are supreme bitches, and ofc one (1) normal sibling who is sweet but really does nothing around here. oh and there’s his right hand man/bff too, who seems to be not 100% (maybe just 83%?) incompetent like everyone else. that poor sod just got suckered into marrying Kanji Aankhon Waali Bitch Sister, who is pregnant with some total rando’s baby, and is just an all-round asshole to Riddhima/Right Hand Man, because “ugh, yeh do kaudi ke middle class naukar log, cheeeeee.”

ok now that the sasta, not-at-all-useful recap has been done, LET’S GET INTO THISSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.

———————————————————————

the chachi is screaming her goddamn headdddd off coz her room is on fire. ofc it is. when has anything good ever happened in this manhoos house of horrors.

lmao the kanji eyed cousin has like 3% concern that his mom will be fried like a taaza jalebi. he's literally sauntering luxuriously towards his mom's room jaise park mein tehel raha ho.

chachi's screaming is getting on my nerves. aunty you're wasting valuable oxygen this way.  

riddhima is behind some secret box that aryan and chachi stashed in the room.

THESE PPL ARE SO CHILL ABOUT A WHOLE ROOM ON FIRE (note: it’s shivaay's room in IB) and they're just hanging out in the living room (which if you’ll remember, IS ATTACHED TO THE ROOM THAT WAS SHIVAAY’S) as if fire doesnt have a tendency to y'know..........  SPREAD RAPIDLY.

riddhima is fighting with the bloody fireman saying ki i need to save the box. #priorities

aaaaaaand the fireman is kabir, who has come to haath maarofy on Box of Secrets.

and we know this coz he did a DRAMAAAAAAAAATIC reveal by taking off his mask. in a room FULLY ON FIRE. idhar non-flaming rooms mein bhi ab mask nikaalna danger ho gaya hai, and this guy justtttttttttt dgaf. tum jaison ki wajaah se hi we can't bloody stop the spread.

my god this house has been decorated soooooooo fucking tackily. never thought the oberois would be the classy ones.

shady saasumaa and riddhima stinkeye-ing each other over a bowl of shehed. lol, what even. truly some "rasode mein kaun tha" lvl of politics.

oh ho, saasumaa and kabir lagaaofied the aag.

saasumaa gloating over the fact that riddhima will now never get her hands on Box of Secrets.

flashback time: hahahahaha KABIR LITERALLY LOBBED A MOLOTOV COCKTAIL INTO THE ROOM AND CHACHI DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING HEAR IT OR ANYTHING. lmao everyone in this show is a dumbass. how blissful life must be with just one (1) working brain cell.

riddhima runs into flaming room. ofc now we will have a prolonged sequence where kabir tries to keep his identity and riddhima being the dheent that she is, will give chase.

please note, that not even 48 hours ago, this woman walked barefoot on a bed of coals AND a hallway full of broken glass. AND NOW SHE'S RUNNING FULL SPEED BEHIND KABIR AS IF SHE’S PT USHA. SIS, TUMHARE PAIR HAIN KI KYA HAIN? YOU'RE LONG OVERDUE FOR AN INTENSE PEDICURE AFTER THIS WEEK.

and ofc, he got into a getaway car and made it away.

yeh lo, iss beech mein dadi behosh. ouff.

whooooooooops, dadi has some weird blue nishaan on her neck.

LMAO KABIR SHOT AT RIDDHIMA WITH A POISON BULLET OR SYRINGE OR SOME SHIT, WHICH HIT DADI INSTEAD. LMAO MAN THIS SHOW. IT'S SO FUCKING DUMB, I LOVE IT.

some more stinkeye politics between saas bahu.

bahu is passive-aggressively giving saasumaa roses to congratulate her on winning this round.

riddhima is dheent!max. she's like kuch bhi ho, i'll find the secret anyway and your victory will witherrrrrrr awayyyyyyyy like these flowerssssss and you will be left with the thorns that will prick youuuuuuuu!!!!!!!

LMAO SAAS IS FULLY ROLLING HER EYES AT RIDDHIMA'S DRAMATIC ASS #SAME

just looking at helly's ears is making my ears hurt like a bitch. 

hey riddhima, have you ever thought that maybe this secret child of hers is NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS?????? like honestly, the entitlement desis have to know the workings of other ppl’s wombs.

lol dumbass mummyji crumpled the flowers in her hand and played right into riddhima's stupid kaante waala metaphor. #ramMilayiJodi

hero ko covid hai toh ainvayi ke phone calls se kaam chalaana pad raha hai.

the dude left his house for literally the first time in months and the place is on fire and dadi got shot in the neck with poison. and the wife doesn't think she should tell him so that he doesn't become "pareshaan". sure, this seems like a dude who'll take this kinda thing real light when he finds out later.

(hint: he’s not. he’s a crazed, overprotective weirdo about his family. sound familiar?????)

this guy's dialogue delivery is so dodgy. idk what it is, it just seems so affected.

that plus the ainvayi ka editing just showing him in some random car (clearly from the earlier eps)  is just adding to the jankiness of the scene.

husband dude seems to know wifey's quirks quite well. kinda cute, kinda creepy. 

lol kal tak toh yeh banda itna romantic nahi tha. like he had a smooth moment here and there, but he was mostly real awkward and robotic and unsure how to handle These Strange New Feelings™. now he’s spouting cheesyass lines about being able to see the one who is special to you with dil ki aankhein and idk what.

who are these people who like SHARING their room with another person? #unrealistic

but i also i get you, riddhima. he was pretty much the only thing worth looking at in this room, coz the rest of it is so damn fugggggg. this room should be the one set on fire.

dang, some steamy scenes between them in the flashbacks. ouff abhi jaake episodes dhundne padenge. coz #tharkiTTisTharki

riddhima doing dadi seva. boooooooooring.

ofc dadi ki sui is always atkofied on playing cupid for pota, taaki she can score some par-pota/potis.

riddhima ki best friend ka happy birthday hai.

riddhima is like a lottttt has happened in my life, can't really tell you over a call. yup, that’s for sure. 

ok apparently sejal who said she’s in dubai now is NOT in dubai?? she's just up and flew to mumbai to "surprise" riddhima...... on HER OWN birthday? #doesNotCompute

lmao kabir's annoyance with mummy's useless glass of water. WHY DO MOMS THINK EVERYTHING CAN BE SOLVED WITH DRINKING MORE WATER?!?!?!!

now he's yelling at mom about how she's ruined everything. sure. blame the only one who's actually doing shit around here, while you sit on your ass in this room, glaring and growling like a hangry bear.

some menacing dialogue about how he needs to thikaane lagaaofy riddhima's hosh.

which has been overheard by bff sejal, who went and dropped a showpiece from shock. cool. so she gonna die. bye sejal, hardly got to know ya!

sejal being here doesn’t even make sense. she thought he was a PT teacher. then why did she show up here at his police waala office? also how did she connect the dots about the whole damn story with like 0.04% context that she got from what she overheard? kuchhhhhhh bhi.

[lamptracker]

FIC: Win-Win (part 2/?)

Wrote this as I’m slowly getting caught up on blurbs. I am going to attempt to update this on Mondays. We’ll see how well that works out hahaha

Anyway

Part 1

FIC: Win-Win (Part 2/?)

Overall Summary: Temporarily homeless, the reader needs a place to stay. Her friend Tom, who has a reputation for being a womanizer, has an extra room… and an idea.

Very loosely based on the How I Met Your Mother episode “World’s Greatest Couple,” where Lily posed as Barney’s wife to help him get rid of his one-night stands.

Part summary: The reader’s friends find out about her agreement with Tom. Her ex, Tony Revolori, has some doubts. 

This is mostly filler to introduce everyone else, but it’s still important to the story!

Also, Jacob and Zendaya are dating. No idea why, I just like ‘em together.

Tagged: @sspider-parker   @dipshithipster   @stephie-senpai   @lemirabitur   @gravity-jade21   @ocaptainmycaptainrogers   @hollandfieldblurbs   @unicorn-princess-1999   @peter-holland-parker1996

“Okay, hold it.”

Jacob Batalon sat across the table from (y/n) at their usual booth in their usual pub. He’d ordered a round of beers for the group - her, himself, Zendaya Coleman, Harrison Osterfield, and Tom. He handed (y/n) her beer and grabbed one for himself.

“Yeah?”

“You and Tom - who almost never hang out outside of this place - are living together?!”

“Just temporarily.” She snagged a spicy pretzel from the bowl in the center of the table, popping it into her mouth. “He’s letting me stay with him until my landlord’s done with all the pest control. Big rat problem or something.”

“Well… I get why you couldn’t live with me. But why not Z? Or Haz?”

“Harrison only has one bedroom, and I’m allergic to Z’s cats.” She grabbed another pretzel; Jacob widened his jaw expectantly. (y/n) tossed the pretzel directly into Jacob’s open mouth. “Does Tony know?”

Jacob scoffed as he chewed. “How does he know something that I only found about three minutes ago?” He grabbed a pretzel out of the bowl.

(Y/n) shrugged. “Good point.” She opened her mouth; Jacob tossed a pretzel into her waiting mouth. “Oh, and I occasionally have to pretend to be his wife.”

Jacob, who’d opened his mouth to catch another pretzel, quickly closed it. “You what?”

“It’s to scare off his one-night stands. You know how he has trouble getting them to leave sometimes? That’s where I come in. He gives me the signal - like, this morning it was ‘Would you like any cream or sugar?’ And then I walk in, she accuses me of being his wife, we don’t deny it, she leaves. I’ve been there three days, I’ve done it twice, it’s perfect.”

“It’s evil.”

“So what? Beats being homeless.”

“What beats being homeless?” Zendaya asked; she and Harrison had just arrived. Harrison slid into the booth next to (y/n); Zendaya sat next to Jacob, greeting him with a kiss on the cheek.

“Oh, (y/n) is living with Tom now.”

“Only temporarily!” (y/n) exclaimed as she tossed another pretzel at an unsuspecting Jacob; he quickly opened his mouth and deftly caught it.

Zendaya shook her head. “You two weirdos and your pretzel thing. And you know I have an extra bedroom, right?”

“You also have Rosie.”

“Oh, yeah.” Zendaya sighed as Jacob wrapped an arm around her shoulders. “Missed you today, babe. How was work?”

“You know, another exciting day in the world of accounting.” Jacob pressed a soft kiss to her forehead. “Heard your show this morning. Awesome as usual.”

“Thanks,” she replied, smiling. Zendaya was the co-host of a local radio station morning show.

“Nobody has asked me how I’m doing,” Harrison interjected, almost indignantly.

“Nobody cares,” Zendaya retorted. “We’re much more interested about (y/n) and Tom living together.”

“Only temporarily!” (y/n) exclaimed yet again.

Jacob laughed. “Oh, I left out the best part. She has to pretend to be his wife!”

“His what?” Zendaya nearly shrieked.

“Oh, to scare the chicks away,” Harrison said as he grabbed his beer. “Seriously, is anyone going to ask-”

“That’s pretty much it,” Tom said as he joined them. “Hello, Mrs. Holland.”

“Evenin’, Mr. Holland.”

Zendaya just shook her head.

“Well, you guys do what you have to, I guess.” Jacob picked up a pretzel, pretending to toss it at (y/n); he popped it into his own mouth instead.

“Jerk,” (y/n) sneered as she took another drink of her beer. Noticing Harrison pouting next to her, she laughed. “How was your day, Harrison?”

“Fucking finally!” Harrison sighed. “I got promoted! You’re looking at Wilson Technologies’ latest Project Lead.”

Everyone at the table cheered and offered their congratulations.

“We’re all growing up!” Jacob exclaimed, wiping away a fake tear. “Harrison’s getting promoted, Z’s radio show is the number one show in town, (Y/n) and Tom are married-”

“They are?”

Everyone looked up. There, standing at the end of their table, was Tony Revolori.

Also known as? Jacob Batalon’s roommate.

Oh yeah, and (y/n)’s ex-boyfriend.

(y/n) laughed. “Not for real. Just fake-married. To scare the chicks away.”

“They do live together, though,” Jacob said.

“Only temporarily!” Tom and (y/n) yelped simultaneously.

“It’s just until they’ve got the pest control problem in my building taken care of,” (y/n) added.

Tony nodded. “I see. Um, (y/n), can I talk to you over here for a minute?” He jerked his head to a spot not far from the bar, but just out of earshot of the group.

“Uh… okay.”

Tom and Harrison let her up as she met Tony at the designated spot.

“I don’t like this,” Tony said.

(y/n) scoffed. “Well, I didn’t like when you cheated on me after two years together, and then started dating the girl you cheated on me with two days after we broke up. But okay.”

Tony sighed. “This isn’t about that.”

“Then what’s it about?”

“I don’t like you living with Tom.”

“I don’t recall asking for your permission.”

“Dammit, (Y/N), would you just- I mean, uh… you know how he spends his free time.”

“Yes.”

“And you know he might… try that with you, right?”

(y/n) gave him the oddest look she could possibly muster.

“Are you serious right now? Like, are you seriously serious? Look, Tom may sleep around but he has a code, okay? Nobody in his friend group. That means I’m off-limits. Just ask him.” (y/n) scoffed again. “Not that I would ever anyway, I mean… he’s good-looking and all but I have standards.”

Tony nodded solemnly. “Well, okay. Just… just be careful, okay? I don’t want you getting hurt.”

“Should’ve thought about that before, you know, you hurt me. See you later, Tony. Tell Morgan I said hi.”

“Um, Morgan-”

“Hates me. Feels threatened by me, like I’ll steal you back from her or something.” (y/n) snorted. “Like that would ever happen. Anyways, this was a good talk, Anthony, I’ll see ya later.” She patted his arm before rejoining the rest of the group at the table.

“What was that about?” Tom asked

“Just typical ex-boyfriend crap. Now, let’s have a little fun, guys. How do you think the wedding went? You know, if there’d been one?”

“Oh, this was not pre-planned, you just know it,” Zendaya said. “I’m thinking drunken Vegas decision.”

“And they were definitely married by an Elvis impersonator,” Jacob chimed in.

“Are you sure you’re not pregnant?” Harrison asked. “Because that’s the only way I see Tom ever getting married.”

“You’re a true friend, Harrison.” Tom nudged Harrison’s arm with his elbow.

“Drunken Vegas Elvis shotgun wedding?” (y/n) sighed. “Oh, Tommy, you make me feel like the luckiest girl alive.”

Tom sipped his beer. “Anything for the love of my life.”

“Would you like any cream or sugar?” Tom asked loudly from the kitchen the next morning.

“Oh, no thank you,” a girl’s voice replied.

Tom looked expectantly at the hallway. “I said, would you like any cream or sugar?”

“And I said, no thank you.”

“Oh, shit, that’s me,” (y/n) muttered, tossing the stack of quizzes she was grading to the side and rushing into the hall. “Good morning, baby, how- Tom? Who is this?”

“Darling, let me explain, I-”

“Oh, my God!” The girl shrieked. “Is this your wife?!”

“Of course I’m his wife!” (y/n) shouted, stomping over to where Tom and the girl were sitting. “How could you do this to me, Tom? When I’m carrying your child, nonetheless!” Without warning, she brought her hand across Tom’s cheek; the slapping noise echoed through the kitchen.

“Oh, no. I-I’m so sorry, I didn’t… I’ll just be going.” With that, the girl quickly gathered her things and ran out the door. Tom rubbed his sore cheek as he smiled.

“Well done!” he said. “Pregnant, huh? That’s good.”

(Y/n) shrugged. “Well, I had to live up to part of the Vegas Elvis Shotgun Wedding, didn’t I?”

Tom laughed as he drank his coffee. “And that slap? Genius! You did not hold back.”

“Eh. Always wondered what it’d be like to slap someone.” (Y/n) poured herself a cup of coffee. “Oh, I was thinking. We want to sell the ruse that we’re married, right? We should do a little redecorating, then. Nothing huge, just maybe some pillows for the couch. Little area rug. Stuff like that.”

Tom stroked his chin as he thought about it. “Not a bad idea. We can go this weekend?”

“Sure. Right now I need to finish grading this stack of quizzes I told my fourth-period kids I’d have graded three days ago. I always pull out the old ‘you know how English teachers are’ excuse. They’re high school kids, they seem to buy it.”

“Right.” Tom sat down at the table again. “Hey, what were you and Tony talking about yesterday?”

“He doesn’t like our arrangement. Thinks you’re gonna try and sleep with me or something.” (y/n) grabbed a grape from Tom’s date’s abandoned fruit salad and popped it into her mouth.

“I would never. You’re my friend and now, my wife. You’re off-limits.”

“See! I told him that. But he thinks I’m easily swayed by your charms or something. I mean, the idea of us? How ridiculous is that?” Tom burst into laughter. “Utterly ridiculous!”

But you know what they say about famous last words...

[italicwatches]

GAMERS! Episode 08

New day, new episode, let’s push on. It’s GAMERS!, episode 08! Here we GO!

-We begin, at a completely different place than usual. The Hekiyou Private Academy’s Student Council, with the narration a young lady who has always been near the top with ease, but never managed to reach the top…Until she became president of the Student Council. She had her moment of joy, of pride…Until one Tendou Karen showed up. Karen, who somehow managed to outdo her in everything, and even best her in this…

-Opening! What’s up next? Oh hey, it’s the dating sim/visual novel one! It’s not really a specific reference to an individual game, so much as an entire genre. Until recently we didn’t really get these in the West at all, and we still don’t see all that many of them. Operating not unlike a choose-your-own-adventure book, they represent a very interesting blend of elements from various Japanese mediums: Carrying a word count similar to a light novel, voice acting similar to an anime or drama CD, minimalistic animation that calls to mind manga more than actual anime, and light gameplay elements borrowed from JRPGs, they can in some ways be looked at as the combination of all of Japanese nerd-culture. Also they really spent a long time as porn games so there’s still a lot of stigma there.

-DAY 08: Erogamer and Watching Mode

-Well with a title like that, things sure lined up.

-Anyways, it’s to a meeting space, with that student council president herself sending off the rest of the council…And then, once they’re all gone, she can just take in the wonder…ful…joy of…

-Oh.

-Well then.

-So our mysterious president is actually a huge pervert as she starts smelling and rubbing on the seats the rest of her Student Council were using. She’s surrounded by cute girls! It is heaven…But wait, there’s more! She slams open a locker, grabs a bag, and…Whatever’s in there has to be even better than girl butt scent. Did she confiscate some boy’s dirty magazines? Either way, her laughter echoes through the night…

-Oh, nope, even…Let’s call it “better”. She has a disguise! A suit, a puffy hat to hide her long twin tails in, glasses and a beard! Clearly she looks like a perverted older man now and can get away with what’s about to happen! Yes. Clearly. She slips into a shop, as her internal narration explains…That innocent, studious Student Council president schtick? Yeah that’s all to keep the world from noticing the real her, who’s a spun-around pervert who loves nothing more than erotic video games!

-Well I suppose we had to do this eventually, huh? Also, she’s so excited by getting a copy of BUILD HEART that her beard falls off and she doesn’t even notice…Which is a problem when she’s spotted by someone else and this gets weird. But she has no idea. Once she comes down from the 18+ section, it’s into the console mess, because hey, the censored console release isn’t too bad either…But she ends up picking up, instead, Golden Memories.

-And dear sweet Flora on the cover suddenly throws a flashback into this girl’s face. Karen went to a different school, and that’s the only reason she wasn’t the Student Council president. So Konoha here got the role by default. …Real talk I’m trying to figure out a joke about hidden leaves and it’s just not coming together.

-Either way now our pervert girl is all depressed as she puts the game back, and is sad ins—Hello cheap game bin! What’s this? An old PS1 era game, Rainbow Court? An old classic that never got the attention it deserved…

-When we hear a voice? We do! Because Keita and Eiichi have come down to this same shop to pick up some vidjagames! Konoha recognizes the uniform of Otobuki, the school her hated rival Karen went to…And damn, that boy on the left is damn. The one on the right, her eyes just kind of glide over. He’s totally generic, like an everyman dating sim protagonist. Our hero summed up, ladies and gentlemen.

-Of course, from Keita’s perspective, he sees…Some weirdo doing jumping jacks in the game store in an attempt to look Normal. But what’re they here for, anyways? Eiichi wants some dating sim recommendations from someone who knows the genre inside and out. Alas, Keita is all nervous about this, as Konoha can’t help but keep listening…Argh, why does this generic guy have to be so waffly…

-Okay, first thing! What does Eiichi like? Well, he did some basic research, and…This one got lots of recommendations, right? Shit I can’t see the title. That’s actually really, really frustrating to me. But okay. So let’s look at the difference in opinions. To Konoha, that game is well made but super super mainstream, so basic it’d go in a damn starter pack. To Keita, it’s a masterpiece, one that he stayed up late every night for an entire week just to finish it. Eiichi decides to get it, and Konoha decides these two are super basic—

-But wait!

-Keita isn’t actually recommending that one! What’s all this now? And Konoha wishes she could just walk away…You damn jerks have her stuck here unable to quit listening! (Gonna be honest, that’s on you) But you want to know what makes the dating sim genre good, right? Then, there’s only one choice! And he goes to the vintage bin, pulling out…Rainbow Court.

-It never did very well. It hit during a flood of the genre to mainstream awareness, and was just an also-ran. But, something about it…If Keita’s going to make recommendations? Then this is his recommendation on where to start. It’s a bit of an underdog of a game, but he can’t help but wanna root for the underdog and show people what it has going for it…You know?

-This, this is why you couldn’t walk away, Konoha! This moment was calling to you from the future! Keita calls Rainbow Court one of his top three games, as her hat has fallen off and exposed her hair…She’s moved, moved to tears by the earnest honesty at the heart of Keita’s words! …Shit. Shit shit shit shit no we can’t add another one what are you doing his life is screwy enough! We just got him out of the core of the chaos by getting him together with Karen what are you doing?!

-Cut to later that night, Konoha’s lost deep in thought, as she looks to her own copy of Rainbow Court…When in comes a family member! Her sister, who sees she bought a new game…Oh, wow, a dating sim? She had no idea you were into these! K-Konoha borrowed it from a friend! …But it has a price tag…JUST GIVE IT BAC—

-…Oh son of a…

-Guess what Konoha’s family name is.

-Go on.

-Go on guess.

-Yeah so Hoshinomori Konoha, Chiaki’s mysterious imouto, is the new addition to the cast ARE YOU FUCKING WITH ME NOW IS THAT WHAT THIS IS

-Commercial break!

-And we’re back! Tasuku is narrating…

-…Keita and Aguri’s marriage?! I assume this is a nightmare he’s having. It happened soon after college. They were all there to celebrate the happy couple. Yet inside, everyone in the group was conflicted. Chiaki, who flitted from one construction job to the next, was stuck there congratulating her longtime nemesis (and eating as much of the free food as possible). Tasuku and karen themselves were stuck with fake smiles, watching their own beloveds leave them forever. It was a wonderful ceremony after their lives all worked out…

-…Oh, they’re playing The Game of Half-Life, presumably a spinoff in which it’s impossible to finish because a steam valve blocks the end of the game. Yeah, topical game humor! Tasuku is still thinking you can fix misunderstandings by just talking them out, and has gathered everyone here to calm things down over a game. Oh you poor stupid idiot.

-So Aguri and Keita have gotten married in the game and it’s already going sideways. Tasuku can at least admit he realized shit was not going right, and that “just talking it out” would ever be easy…And thus, this.

-DAY 08.5: Gamers and Half their Life Game

-Cut back to a few days ago. Chiaki was showing Tasuku and Keita that her mom had won an old-timey board game, The Love Love Game of Half-Life, at one of those supermarket lotteries. And she kind of wanted to play it, but such a game has a bare minimum….And thus, Tasuku decided they’d just gather up the whole crew. Them three, plus Aguri and Karen would make five! And it’s so brilliant that he made that face again. Just so we’re clear. Every single time Tasuku makes that face, things are about to go all wrong.

-Even Chiaki realized this was a bad plan, but with Tasuku suggesting it…His brilliant plan was, simply, to get all five of them into a fucking room at the same time to actually talk shit out and destroy the absurd love pentagon around his life.

-Hard cut to the game where things have not gone that way at all. Because everyone’s so damn careful that they’ve ended up in a maximally awkward seating arrangement. Which is how Keita and Aguri ended up as a team. Tasuku’s plan, has…Gone…All wrong. As Aguri gets pregnant during the honeymoon. Which she blames on Keita, as Karen and Tasuku quietly freak the fuck out. Perhaps, this romantic life board game was not the right idea for solving their problems? (Nooooo, you think?)

-The student part of the game, near the beginning, saw Keita and Aguri landing on relationship spaces, while Chiaki keeps failing to hold down work, stuck doing the kind of job that pays you in cash by the day. And Karen, Karen…Oh, poor sweet Karen.

-She’s turning into a spinster, diving into her career to smother her sorrow and shame over the loss of her love to another woman. Oh this is bad. When Tasuku manages to hit the marriage space! He can enter into a relationship and fast-track to marriage with another player! Spin the wheel, come on, come on…If he can get a one or two, Aguri and Keita’s numbers, he can even nullify their marriage by stealing them away from their partner…Come on, come onnnn…

-Congratulations, Tasuku. You win this Chiaki. …Well, I guess housewife is a stable path. No more directing traffic around a construction site for her!

-And Aguri just gives Tasuku a fucking death glare. What, what do you want from him? The spinner made him do it! And now it’s Chiaki’s turn. Two spaces forward! “Your partner cheats on you. You are forced to pay their love compensation for mental suffering. You and your spouse lose 5,000 yen.”

-…Good god this game is dark. And both Keita and Aguri, fully believing Tasuku is a two-timer, are giving him the death glares. IT WAS THE SPINNER HE SWEARS. (Nobody believes you)

-Meanwhile, Keita rolls to…And I quote…”Your lovey-dovey newlywed life reaches high tide! You bust your bed getting busy! You and your spouse pay 6,000 yen.” That’s a really good price for a bed. And now Aguri is getting legit embarrassed that he can’t be more…discreet, about what the space said. I mean, lass, it’s on the board. But soon their argument starts sounding like an actual married couple as she blames him for going too hard and being too loud about it, and oh god Karen and Tasuku are about to die.

-O-Okay, Aguri’s turn! …She, broke the bed this time. Just, just take her money and leave her alone. Tasuku can’t even feel jealous at this point, he just feels sorry for anyone that has to buy two beds because they keep breaking them.

-Karen! What’s Karen going to get? Will her solo streak finally en—

-“Your love interest won’t even look at you, but you’re popular with your clients. 100,000 extra income.” This game is the worst. Karen can’t even pretend to be happy. This game is wearing her out worse than her actual romantic woes.

-Tasuku? “You cheat on your partner with their sister. There is bloodshed. Miss a turn.” Oh god, Tasuku…With Konoha?! She’s just a kid! What kind of sick freak are you?!

-And that’s when the door slams shut and Tasuku has a legit panic and Chiaki admits that must have been her sister getting home. YOU ACTUALLY HAVE A SISTER?! Tasuku legitimately feared for his life for a moment there. Okay, deep breath, deep breath!

-Chiaki’s got a roll! Will she manage to pull her marriage back together?

-No.

-No she will not.

-Would you like to know what it says?

-“You realize that your soulmate was someone else. You learn that you had some fateful connections with them, and you become infatuated. You get distracted at work and lose 3,000 yen.” Well that’s really vague…And then Keita pokes fun at her for getting such a vague, girly woes kinda space, and Tasuku would just like to fucking DIE now please! Could he actually get stabbed by your sister now would that be okay?!

-And the worst part? Only he fucking knows how prophetic that fucking space was! Only he knows the double lives these two lead! Only he can realize how much this sucks! Okay. Okay deep breath. Try to calm down JUST PLAY YOUR TURN KEITA AND LEAVE HIM ALONE

-Keita gets the same space as Chiaki.

-Tasuku screams internally. And then externally. FUCK THIS GAME AND EVERYTHING THAT LED THEM TO THIS TWISTED MOMENT OF IRONIC SPINS AND BROKEN LIVES

-And that’s when Keita admits how much fun he’s having, and how he never gets to spend time around friends like this…And that starts to relax everyone, as Aguri’s turn comes up, and she manages to land “The person you’d been seeing before makes a move on you.” Why, that sounds like it could all work out! Aguri and Tasuku look to each other, all blushy and ha—

-“But your love for your current partner is unwavering! You turn them down without a second thought, and reaffirm your own love! You have yet another child.”

-…Welp.

-I’m just gonna sit here in the corner because life is a lie.

-Aguri would like you to START USING SOME PROTECTION KEITA AND QUIT PUTTING BABIES IN HER THIS MINIVAN CAN ONLY HOLD SO MANY LITTLE BUNDLES OF JOY

-Okay, Karen’s go. Can she turn things look let’s be honest she can’t. “You become an important person. You make money. Earn 100,000 yen.” THE GAME ISN’T EVEN TRYING.

-And then Konoha needs Chiaki’s help with something, which sends her out of the room and gives the others a chance for a break, as Keita admits some curiosity. They look so similar in the face, he almost wonders if they’re twins or DON’T LOOK AT HIM LIKE THAT HE’S LOYAL KAREN MA’AM! Salute!

-Oh and then he gets an alert on his phone. The MMO has a new event starting today! And Tasuku just stares at Chiaki’s phone, which has the notification light start blinking. Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck what if they start talking about the game and realize they both play?! He’s finally gotten Keita and Karen out of the loop so he can deal with the Chiaki and Aguri problems and this could rip them right back into things! …You go RIGHT the fuck under that couch, phone! She won’t find you until after everyone’s gone!

-While Karen looks at the game and starts asking questions but Keita is wrapped up in the event battle he’ll explain details later! And she decides she’s just happy to watch and see him so focused on something. And Aguri comes and sits by Tasuku, saying how happy she is that things are working out for Keita…And Tasuku, Tasuku can’t take not knowing, as he has to ask what the hell’s been going on! What does she REALLY think of Keita?

-He’s…Like that really high-maintenance little brother. And he’s a little annoying now that he’s got a girlfriend. But she’s just so damn happy to see him finally get his happy ending, she can’t be too mad at him for the annoying parts…

-And Tasuku, finally, relaxes, and holds Aguri’s hand. Which sends her into a flailing blushy panic, as Aguri expected him to not be so forward in front of, you know, Karen…But what does she have to do with it? …What indeed. The two can relax, realizing they were both loyal the whole time…And this all might work out. It’ll all, work, out, and everyone will be happy togeth—

-Keita can’t beat this boss without Mono-san. And Karen would like to know who this Mono-san is. His guild bro! They’re always there to help him out! Karen suddenly feels like she’s under threat of losing her beloved to some online relationship. J-J-Just how many online friends do you have? Well…He uses a handful of names in different places, and really only has serious friendships with a few people as Chiaki comes back….

-And Tasuku realizes OH FUCK IT’S ABOUT T—

-So in this game he goes by Tsucchie and his only real major friend is Mono-san. But over on forums he goes by Yama-san and has a really good friendship going with his favorite indie game dev, Nobe-san. And Chiaki hears the whole thing, as the gears start to turn in her mind, and Tasuku just quietly wishes he could die now please. Heart attack? Brain aneurism? That stabbing sister thing? Just, just kill him. Kill him before it all pops off.

-Keita admits that those are the only two real major online friends…But Mono-san and Nobe-san, he’s known them so long, they’re really special and important to him. They might be a bit surface level at times, but he feels like…Like he could be a little vulnerable to them, you know? They’re true, and precious, friends…

-As Tasuku narrates, how Chiaki has made it to the start line of this race at the worst, possible, moment imaginable. A tragic sight, as all the pieces come together, and she in turn realizes how important the different facets of Keita are to her, when it’s much too late to do anything about it…Oh, god, that look on Chiaki’s face…My heart weeps for you, kid.

-Credits!

-Aftercredits! Konoha is mulling around the apartment, bored…When she finds a broken Chiaki collapsed behind the couch?!

…Well that’s gonna turn into a mess next time. Our only hope is that Konoha doesn’t develop a crush on the fucking guy too, and we can keep a fairly stable pentagon until things turn sideways. I expect even that hope to be dashed, though, in episode NINE of GAMERS! Wait for it!