#well I didn't expect to write an essay on OLTNE James

[theresthesnitch]

Hi Snitch, how have you been? ❤️

I've loved every chapter of OLT(NE) so far, and it's fun to see everyone's reaction to James being a total idiot.

So, just for the sake of it - and because it's a fun way to explore stories and characters - I'll play devil's advocate.

It's true. James' actions are cruel, his words are hurtful. He is in the wrong, without a doubt. All of these things are true... But they also make sense.

As you said, he doesn't think clearly (or at all) around Lily, he's waited and fought for her, and he feels betrayed, but I think there's more to it.

Let's take it one step at a time.

James joined the Order right after graduating from Hogwarts, at 18. He went from living a relatively sheltered life to being a soldier in a matter of months. He knew how cruel the world could be, all his loved ones had suffered because of it. And James has been, in many ways, a safe harbour for these people, someone to look up to, because he had the means, the skills and the willingness to lead and fight. And that is a huge honour, but also a big responsibility and sometimes a burden for someone so young.

And then the war turned very ugly, very quickly... But it was still worth it, because James had Lily and his friends, a reason to fight harder, a reason to survive and to live.

At his age, you're supposed to figure out who you are, to make mistakes. And let me tell you, your late teens and early twenties can be awful! I've met very few people who've enjoyed who they were. You constantly doubt yourself, your identity and it's chaotic and stressful and you lose your mind a bit. You start feeling a bit more settled in your late twenties.

So we have James, who's going through all of this during a war. This is a kid who's overly confident, probably very idealistic and optimistic. He learns very quickly that protecting his friends withing the walls Hogwarts and protecting them in the war are two entirely different things. He's not used to lose: he grows frustrated and impatient, and he starts doubting his entire outlook on life. I feel like the war was a bigger shock for James than for anybody else.

When he and Lily broke up, he had reached his limit. They had both seen terrible things, lived such horrors that there was no room for happiness. They had no control over their lives, and decided to end things because they wouldn't have forgiven themselves if they had been responsible for the other's death. Making this decision must have been impossibly difficult. Was breaking up the coward's way out? If they weren't strong enough to bear the thought of losing each other, how could they be strong enough for a war? Their enemies didn't have this weakness.

James stopped living after that. He fought to survive, not to live. Barely two years into the war, and he had already been destroyed by it.

He was a broken man... A broken boy, nineteen years old, forced to learn but also accept the complexities of the world, but without the right tools. So after a while, he found a (wrong and unhealthy) way to deal with all of this. He became numb. Reckless. Joined the hunt for the Horcruxes. Left Remus and Peter behind, too. And then the real horror began.

I think the hunt for the Horcruxes was nothing he'd even seen, nothing any of them (including Dumbledore) had seen. I think a part of him was forever changed during this time. Even after the war is over, he's profoundly affected by this. If we want to give it a name, it could be PTSD.

I think Peter's betrayal was the final nail in the coffin, and arguably the most painful part of the war, maybe even more painful than his break-up.

You see, we often think of James in the context of his relationship with Lily, but his bond with the Marauders is a fundamental part of who he is. He met them at eleven years old, before he knew about love and sex and heartbreaks. Those three people became his brothers. They were his first love, in a way. How could he wrap his head around Peter's betrayal? Had he been rotten from the beginning? And if not, why didn't they notice he had changed? Maybe they did, and they did ignored the signs, which would be even worse. I don't know if James got the answers to these questions. I don't know which is worse: to know or not know the reasons behind Peter's actions. I can only imagine what it feels like to lose someone you love like this. He would never expect his friend to be actually working for the enemy, helping him kill his other friends and gain power. It's the kind of thing you can't even imagine.

There was also a huge deal of guilt involved, because nothing could have erased the years they had spent together, their adventures, their secrets. I think James took it worse than Sirius and Remus, and not just because he was alone and they had each other, but because I think James knew Peter had looked up to him ever since he met him. He knew the influence that he had had on him. I think James blamed himself because of this. He knew the kind of person Peter was: he probably wasn't an autonomous individual in the same way James' other two friends were. Also, Sirius had experienced the betrayal of his own brother, and Remus feared deep down that this little group, this family was too good to be true, so he was prepared for their friendship to end one day. James had none of that. He had never known this feeling. He was completely unprepared and powerless.

The knowledge that James could have done something about it, that he could have fixed him, too is something that will forever haunt him. James grieves the person he thought Peter was. It's the kind of grief that will eat you inside, that will cement itself in your brain.

Truth is, I don't think James is the same person he was before. His actions and words are influenced by all these things. I'm not saying that the war made him rude and disrespectful but it makes sense that he's more blunt now: you don't have the time nor the energy to be your best self when you're trying to survive. These experiences turn you into the worst version of yourself. And, according to the story, the war has just ended and James is probably still in that mindset, and he needs a lot of time to readjust to his old life. A life he probably doesn't recognise anymore.

I'm not an expert, but many veterans have had trouble going back to their old lives. Their brain is still in fight-or-flight mode, and they sometimes experience feelings of depersonalisation and derealisation. I'm not saying that this is James' case, but it's important to contextualise his actions.

This is probably the longest ask I've ever sent you (and that's saying something) so I apologise for the length and the typos I'm sure to find if I read it again, which I won't lol

Also, this is more of a reflection about your version of James rather than an analysis. I'm sure you have a very specific idea of who he is, and if I'm completely on the wrong track I don't mind at all, quite the opposite: I'll be very happy to get to know your James better ❤️

I think that telling each other stories is what we're all ultimately here for, it's our highest purpose. It's all about about sharing, at the end of the day, so thank you for giving us this wonderful story. It makes my brain go brrr and my heart go ouch but also aw. I love it when a story pushes me to think critically, it's incredibly satisfying and it reminds me of why I love reading so much.

💜

I don't think there's a better way to show appreciation for one of my fics than a lengthy love letter to it in my ask box. This is....everything. I love this.

Also, as far as James goes? You hit the nail on the head there. A few additional details that I think play an important part below the cut here.

***

Absolutely, 100% yes with the war hitting James harder than he expected. I think you also have to consider the Lily aspect of it all. James started the war fighting for and because of Lily, but then she was gone, and I think that had a two-fold effect on him.

First, we see him being more reckless in the past snippets in chapter 1. James volunteers for the "special taskforce" without thinking twice about it because "it should be someone like him with nothing to lose." It's also the first time that he sees his friends split, and the war causes that. This ultimately has consequences that shake James to the core. Like you mentioned, he lost Peter somewhere along the way, to the point that Peter betrayed them. Was Peter always bad, or was it some failing in James that made him go bad? (Because James would have always thought he could save his friends, and he failed.) However, he also watched fellow members of the taskforce die. From chapter 1:

When Peter and Remus left, the latter sending a longing look back over his shoulder, James and Sirius were left with Fabian and Gideon Prewett, Kingsley Shacklebolt, Dorcas Meadows, and Caradoc Dearborn. They sat in a circle, with Dumbledore at the head looking fondly around at them, as they waited to hear what this dangerous task would be. 

It's not a mistake that the other members of the task force were almost unanimously characters that died in the first war in canon. James, Sirius, and Kingsley are the only surviving members of this task force. James worked closely with them, for years, trying to bring about the end of Voldemort, and he watched them die while he did it. I think James holds a lot of guilt for that too. From chapter 2:

He would tell her, if she wanted to know, what he had been doing for the last five years. He would tell her of the hunt for Horcruxes and the danger and the way he missed her every day. 

He thinks about telling her, and in his head, it is inexplicably tied with her. All of these horrors he went through, and she was part of it.

The second effect this time had on him ties in well here. James always held out hope that Lily would come back to him again, and that the war could be over, and they'd make it work this time. James spent 5 years imagining what reuniting with Lily would be like without the pressure of keeping each other alive, and....none of that had a kid in it. He fought for her, and nearly died for her, and he always imagined that in the time after, they'd have this life together that was shattered when he came back and thought she found someone else.

That moment, as unreasonable as we all know it to be, made James fracture. James is nothing if not a man who loves Lily, but he never thought about losing her like that. He still wants her (as much as she wants him) but to him, it feels like a betrayal to him and to all the people who fought a war and died in that war while standing next to him.

Perhaps it's made him a bit cruel, but he doesn't mean to be. He loves so much that he doesn't know how to handle the heartbreak he's feeling. He hurts so much, but he doesn't know how to let her go. He's caught in this terrible spiral where he can't win either way--except we know what he's giving up. James doesn't, however.

I know I've mentioned this in asks before, but I actually had far more flashbacks planned out for the years between, enough to the point that I legitimately considered making a second fic to cover that time period. I think we would have seen a lot more development for James if I'd stuck to the plan that included them, but it didn't ultimately add to the story I'd set out to tell. However, if I had, that would have included:

Watching Wolfstar fall in love which only made him long for Lily more. (I have a few of these drafted if anyone wants to see it)

James got seriously injured about 3.5-4 years into the time apart. Like, Sirius pacing the halls of St. Mungos and discharing accidental magic like crazy because he thinks his brother is dying (which should inform Sirius's behavior a bit too)

Regulus showing up when he hears that James is hurt, and showing Sirius his locket-horcrux.

Regulus recognizing the curse that's killing James, and saving him.

Regulus helping them find more horcruxes, and ultimately developing a relationship with James and Sirius too (Brotherly; no Jegulus in my Jily fic!)

Dramatically watching the Prewets, Meadows, and Dearborn die.

Regulus still being killed, despite everything.

Finding out that Peter caused James's injuries and got Regulus killed

Nearly losing the war before Voldemort was finally defeated.

And two weeks later, Lily is back in town. And she has a kid that James doesn't know. And it breaks him.

He's broken. He's torn to pieces. And yet, our James is made of love and hope, and everything that is good. He just has to find that again. Perhaps in a green-eyed, messy-haired boy?