#weird ramblings that i don't even know how to tag yey

[chaoticdelinqueerwithglitter]

[personal vent with some sprinkles of tr]

Today I feel emotionally exhausted. Completly drained. But not physically, with doesn't help because my body have too much energy for just laying down and be sad.

But I can't stop crying for everything and anything at the same time. And I know the sadness, the pain, the tears, are real. I know it bc I feel it. But at the same time I feel like nothing happened to me to be like this, like I don't have a 'real reason', that I'm not allowed to be this exhausted when from the outside it looks like I did nothing.

(And I know that's not true, I know I was burn out from the managements I had to do for having internet back, I know it scares me having an uknown man in my home, even if the internet technician was really nice and kind with my dog, what relaxed me bc if my traumatized dog doesn't feel danger and it someone treats him so good, that means everything is safe. And I know the day before I had a job interview and I had to go to the center what makes me be activated as fuck and my anxiety goes high being inside such a crowded small space like the metro. I know that all this things are a lot for me, I know it but if I don't write it is too easy to forget)

(And I also know that I'm finally talking about things in theraphy that broke me just too mention, I know there are real and valid reasons for be like this, I know I should be proud of myself. But I hate that the past can still hurt me, I hate how weak it makes me feel. Even if I know the fact that I'm finally open this box means I did a lot of progress with myself for getting here. But suddenly the old fears are screaming again and it seems like all the work I did for accepting my own vulnerability and not be terrified of feeling old pains just disappeared. And it sucks so much and only makes me be harder on myself)

Weirdly, if this was like my usual burnouts were I just don't have more spoons or an emotional flashback were I need time to feel safe it would be easy to manage. I would be more compasionate with myself, I'll know what to say to my intrusive thoughts.

But is not that. I'm emotionally exhausted to pretend to be strong, to be fine, to not be broke, to not be fighting with my mind constantly bc I wanna be better, I wanna get better, I can't slip into the same coping mechanisms again (even if it feels so easy to do it).

And I just feel like a kid, starting to cry again and again without "reasons". I just feel like a kid that doesn't want to be this weak, that wants to smile and to not make everyone worried bc it's fine, I'm fine, I'm strong, I'm resilient, of course I'll stand up again, ofc the past is not going to drown me, I'm strong and strong people...

Strong people cry.

Strong people are able to admit that they are scared and want to run away.

Strong people fail. And fail again.

Strong people have a lot of flaws and do a lot of mistakes.

Strong people allow themselves to feel the pain, the sadness, the fear.

They broke. Again. And again. Because they admit when something hurts them, they don't deny the pain, don't pretend to be unharmed.

And after that, they try again. Because they never give up. But they ask for help, the show weakness, they show their tears, they show they are vulnerable.

Because maybe being able to be vulnerable is what real strenght mean.

(and yes, I chose this image on purpose because the contrast with this empty Mikey and Takemichi is so huge, Mikey isolating himself on the top, never breaking until he can't take it anymore... I see myself so much in Mikey and it hurts, but it's also a good reminder of how much I need to remember the lessons that Michi showed us)

And I don't know if any of what I just said makes sense or if it's just me rambling around and remembering to myself what ment for Mikey being so strong and so unbreakable and how Takemitchy being openly vulnerable and showing his feelings to the whole world, saved him. Saved us.

Because Takemitchy saved me too and he does it again every time I'm about to not allow myself to cry and go to the old-repress-and-denial.

So yeah, thanks our crybaby hero. I needed you so much and even if I don't say talk about you enough, I love you a lot 💜