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andrewmoocow · 7 years ago

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Fooly Falls chapter 5: Don’t Lose Your Way (originally posted on August 21, 2017)

“Ah, another fine day in this dirty riff-raff town.” Preston Northwest said to himself as he overlooked Gravity Falls from his office window. “Perhaps I should've started out somewhere nice like Colorado.” he added before he heard the door open. “Mr. Northwest, sir!” an employee exclaimed as he rushed in.

“We seem to have obtained security footage from our Medical Mechanica factory last night!” he explained, which caught Preston's eye. He turned around in his chair to face his employee, only to find himself spinning in it. “Oh not again, can someone stop this chair?” the billionaire groaned before his butler grabbed hold of the back. “Thank you Phineas.” he thanked getting up.

“Alright Lawrence, show me the footage.” Lawrence turned on a screen to show footage of a group of individuals standing atop the factory. “Last night, two children accompanied by a pair of senior citizens, a Medical Machine and a girl with a Vespa bike have trespassed on factory grounds during the D.I.I's Satellite Geo-Saki's collision course with this town. Much later on, the footage started giving out as three more people appeared before it cut to static.”

“Wait a minute, rewind and zoom in on the one with the guitar.” Preston ordered as Lawrence did just that, focusing on a boy that was all too familiar to the philanthropist. “Oh goody,” he grimaced. “you.”

Dipper, Mabel and Ford were sitting down in the living room watching an episode of Ducktective. “I don't get it, what's the appeal of this series?” Ford wondered as the show's title character and his partner the constable solved another case. “The creator was inspired by his childhood where he and his pet duck would solve mysteries together.” Mabel replied. “Yeah, and he also made this with the whole family in mind.” Dipper added. “Silly jokes & fun adventure for the kids and some witty humor for the parents.”

Just then, they heard Haruko yowling as Stan came crashing down from the ceiling. “Hey, what's going on here?!” Dipper shouted to Haruko before turning to his grunkle, who was wearing a red jacket for some reason. “Aw come on babe, play nice now.” Stan muttered woozily, still reeling from the fall.

“NOT IN A HUNDRED THOUSAND YEARS WILL EVER GET ANYTHING FROM ME EXCEPT TONS OF BULLETS TO THE FACE YOU OLD COOT!” Haruko screamed as she fired at Stan with a rifle. “Hey, calm down there!” he exclaimed in reply.

“What's with the red jacket Grunkle Stan?” Dipper wondered. “Oh, I got it from another one of Soos' anime. I think it's called The Wolf, about a cool thief with a love for the ladies.” Stan explained as we then cut to Canti washing dishes. “This was the jacket he started out with and a favorite of the original author Simian Slam. What, do you prefer the green one from Palace of Shamballa?”

“Okay, I'm going up there to give her what's what.” Dipper sternly proclaimed before marching up the stairs and opening the door to their attic room only to lay his eyes upon Haruko wearing nothing but a pink bath towel and shaking Gompers the goat in her arms.

“What, are you saying I have personal feelings for that kid?” she asked the goat, who bleated in reply. “I don't think so! The reason this mission has been delayed because the channel to N.O isn't open!” As she continued speaking to Gompers, Dipper watched in shock as she waved her butt in his face. “It's not about liking or disliking! Damn, the connection's dead.”

When she tossed Gompers to the ground, she turned towards Dipper smiling. “Oh my, were you listening?” she asked him. “Can you please put on some clothes? Puberty is pretty crazy you know.” the boy replied shielding his eyes.

“How's this?!” the Vespa woman exclaimed now dressed like Elvis Presley, complete with large pompadour while a chalkboard appeared behind her. “I meant normal clothes. And where did you get that board?” he said. “HARUKO'S MASTER THE GUITAR IN ONE MILLISECOND CLASS, YEAH! SIGN UP NOW!” she hollered.

“I think this is the part where I lose my mind.” Dipper said turning to the readers before he got fired at by Haruko with her rifle. “Grab a guitar and you can be a pop idol!” Haruko shouted some more. “Chicks dig it dude, pyon!”

“Pyon?” her younger friend questioned. “Like Filter, or Slash!” she continued on as her pompadour and her head got bigger. “Like Red Hot Chilli Peppers or Rage against the Machine or Richard Gene!” she screamed as her head became as big as the attic could take it. “Wait a minute, Richard Gene isn't a-” Dipper began before getting shot at again.

“You have to learn to say it like a cool rock dude pyon! Guys like Jimi Hendrix all started out like this!” she explained loudly before spinning her bass like a helicopter blade and hovering in the air. “Haruko wait! What's going on?!” Dipper exclaimed before getting shoved into his bed with Haruko on top of him, now back in her bath towel.

“You know it's dangerous to wave that thing around like that.” he stated blushing. “Use your guitar again Takkun, just one more time.” she purred. “Speaking of which, that was fantastic last night.”

“Not interested right now, now can let me go already?” Dipper responded. “I should teach you how to be a man Takkun.” Haruko giggled. “Yeah, like you know how!” he snapped back before he was shoved into her face by his horn until they locked lips, and conveniently enough Mabel & Stan walked in on them.

“Aha, I knew it all along!” Mabel cheered as she started taking pictures. “Wendy owes me big time!” The old trickster on the other hand was completely stunned as his face went red, then blue and every other color of the rainbow.

“Oh Takkun, that's more like it!” Haruko said. “No, this isn't what it looks like! It was my horn!” Dipper tried to make something up. “First kiss, good one!” she replied. “Liar, our first “kiss” was technically the first time we met when you gave me CPR!” he snapped back before Stan let out a mighty roar. “I can't believe it Takkun, you've been havin' sexy times with a hot chick and didn't bother to tell me!” he exclaimed. “And what's worse, that's my partner you were smooching!”

“Like I said, it was my horn!” Dipper tried to defend himself before getting shot at by his great uncle. “That's it kid, you're grounded.” Stan finally said whipping out a pistol. “And by grounded, I mean I'm putting you six feet under! We shall have a duel to the finish, winner gets Haruko's love and a box of Mrs. Pell's Fishsticks.” he announced.

“I'm for it!” Haruko interjected raising her hand. “You know what, forget the duel! My weapon's yours Haruko!” he exclaimed leaping out of his clothes before getting slammed into the wall by a boxing glove that came out of nowhere.

Later that day outside the Mystery Shack, the duel between great-nephew and great-uncle was about to begin. On one side were the twins & Haruko while the other side was Stan, Canti and Soos. “What's the matter kid, too chicken as usual?” Stan, dressed as some sort of heavy weapons guy, boldly proclaimed. “C'mon, show yourself and fight me like a true man!”

As Dipper was hiding in the tall grass, Haruko snuck up on him and tangled around him like a snake much to his displeasure. “What are you doing Haruko!” he exclaimed. “Aw come on bro-bro, Team HaruDip has to get along so that we can win.” Mabel said. “I even made team sweaters for everyone!”

She was currently wearing a yellow sweater with the P symbol from Haruko's Vespa and a blue pine tree on it. “This is no time for sweaters Mabel, one of us might be killed by our own uncle out here!” he replied.

“Are you sure about this Mr. Pines?” Soos stuttered as he tugged on the dogtags and red T-shirt he was now wearing. “I mean, it's perfectly normal for a little boy to have the hots for an older girl. Like when Dipper had that crush on Wendy.” he explained. “Not right now Soos, it's the principle of the thing!” his boss replied. “Oh Takkun, save me!” Haruko moaned from afar as she continued smothering Dipper. “Now's your chance Soos, fire!”

“I'm so sorry dudes!” Soos winced before he fired at the opposing team. “You better not be eating those fishsticks Ford, they're for the winner!” Stan called to his brother sitting on the porch, who already ate one. “Uh, they're all here Stanley!” Ford replied trying to hide the fishstick he ate before taking notice of a small car near the shack which a woman rose out of. “Can I help you miss?”

“Target sighted commander! It's blue, I repeat blue!” she spoke into a cellphone as she picked up an anti-tank rifle and aimed it at Canti. “Are you sure it isn't red Kitsurubami?” a voice on the other end asked, which happened to be Commander Amarao at a hair salon. “So the blue is confirmed then? I already have the unofficial consent of both Medical Mechanica and this town's resident billionaire Preston Northwest so we'll take care of it here so they can't interfere.”

As he put down the phone, everything turned into something out of an adult cartoon from 1997. “I have work to do so let's make it quick!” he said. “Okay, but I wanted to look cool, you know what I mean, in a manly charming grown-up kind of way!” He picked up the phone again to contact Kitsurubami. “If we screw up here, Medical Mechanica will be all over us! Just forget Raharu, she'll just complicate everything! Just take care of yourself til I get there.”

“You know, more mature-looking, something a woman that I haven't seen in a long time would think 'This guy really is a hero but also nurturing and supportive', something like that. That's what I'm looking for.” he turned back to his hairdresser before taking notice of a boy in a chair next to him receiving some candy. “Oh, don't I get one of those candies? I prefer the super sweet ones, the sweetest ones if you know what I mean.”

Dipper was charging into battle with his twin pistols before firing at and pouncing on what seemed to be his grunkle before he learned it was one of many traps set by him. “Y'know for a smart kid, you're easy to fool!” Stan boasted from afar as the boy continued falling into his traps.

“They seem to be playing some kind of game. Looks really stupid, I'm sure I can handle this myself. ” Amarao's right-hand woman continued analyzing the scene as she peered through the scope of her firearm. “Hm, who's the girl he hasn't seen in so long?”

“What are you two doing just laying around, you should be helping me!” Dipper complained as he landed back into Mabel and Haruko's hiding spot. “My guitar isn't plugged in.” Haruko replied pulling out her Rickenbacker. “Don't ask bro-bro, even I don't know why she brought it along.” Mabel added.

“Are you crazy, this is a game of life and death!” he snapped back at the girls. “And squeegee, and bungee, and grungy! Oh, we're in trouble kid.” Haruko said. “Well, can you at least give me some backup Mabel?” Dipper asked his sister. “Anything for you Dipps!” Mabel cheerfully answered. “Good kid, now go out there and prove that you love me!” Haruko exclaimed kicking the twins out.

When they got up, Dipper charged at Canti with a bloodthirsty look on his face while Mabel jumped in the air with her bazooka. “Check it out Dipper, I can rocket jump!” she exclaimed before crashing down into the ground. “Oh no, Mabel down! Mabel down!” But her brother didn't seem to notice as he and the Medical Machine went all out against each other before Canti started getting fired at itself from an unknown assailant, which was Kitsurubami.

“Blue, blue, blue, blue, blue, cobalt blue!” she exclaimed with each shot from her anti-tank rifle. “It's seven of nine, he's a sign!” When she got his head in her sights, she fired again. “CYBORG!!!” she screamed taking one last shot. “Cyborg my butt!” Haruko shouted back batting the bullet away from her as Dipper continued fighting Canti.

“Actually, confusing cyborgs with robots is a common misconception.” Ford stated. “But there are a few cyborgs who are mostly machine, like this policewoman I've met who's only organic part was her brain and strangely looked a bit like Scarlet Johansson-” He was interrupted when the bullet flung back at Kitsurubami's car, blowing it up and tossing her into the fray.

“Take this squirt!” Stan cried charging towards his great-nephew before being knocked over by the government agent and sent tumbling around. “Soos, Canti, you're on your own for now!” Dipper however saw this as an opportunity to land the killing blow. “Alright, one more shot and I win!” he proclaimed as he prepared to pounce on the machine before being interrupted by a familiar voice.

“Hi Dipper!” It was Pacifica, who had come by for some reason. “Oh no Paz, get out of here!” Dipper exclaimed jumping in front of her as Canti fired one last bullet at his torso, knocking him out. “Oh no dude, you alright?” Soos cried rushing to the boy's side. “I'm fine Soos, I just don't know how I could survive that.”

“And by the way Canti, I get three time-outs!” he turned to Canti, who blankly stared at him in reply. “Don't give me that look!” Dipper exclaimed much to the heiress's confusion. “Are you okay there Dipper?” she asked. “Oh, it's just that my great uncle wants to kill me because he thought I got 'busy' with his new friend.” he answered. “So what are you doing here anyway?” he wondered.

“Oh yeah, my dad sent me out here to tell you that he's kinda ticked off about you trespassing on his Medical Mechanica factory.” Pacifica said. “Speaking of which, is this Medical Machine like, your servant or something?” she asked. “Yeah pretty much. Hey Canti, can you go to the grocery store?” The machine did as it was told as it soared off into the sky. “And remember to get the candy Mabel likes!” Dipper called.

“So what was that about your father?” he asked turning to Pacifica. “Like I said, he got pretty mad about you and your family stepping on his territory when that big satellite nearly killed us all last night.” she stated. “And I saved us!” Dipper responded fiercely.

“Wait, you did what?” his rich blonde friend stuttered. “Yeah he did, he was all bang-slam-kerpow!” Mabel exclaimed getting back up with only a few scrapes on her. “With a Gibson?!” Pacifica continued, still utterly stunned. “It's true!” Haruko replied dancing into view and glomping Dipper, while Mabel chanted “Smooch, smooch, smooch!” several times.

“And I thought that lumberjack ghost was freaky.” Pacifica said to herself before discovering Ford sitting on the porch. “Hey, is that supposed to be your great uncle? He looks so different from when I last saw him.” she wondered. “Oh yeah, that is out great uncle, but he's not really Stan.” Dipper replied. “Yeah, Grunkle Stan had this weird portal behind the vending machine in the gift shop that he used to bring his brother back from some parallel universe or something crazy like that.” Mabel added.

“He-hey Sixer!” Haruko called to the polydactyl professor while pulling at Dipper's face before he started to feel faint.

“So this Haruko woman just decided to stay at your place after nearly killing Dipper?” Pacifica asked Mabel as they walked through the woods. “Pretty much, fate is crazy that way.” the sweater girl replied. “Plus ever since then, all kinds of crazy robots started popping out of this weird horn on his forehead like Canti for example. Plus Haruko really hit it off with Stan, even coming with him on a revenge trip.”

“And Dipper was stuck into some weird shootout after your great-uncle caught him making out with that Haruko?” the blonde added blushing. “Why would you ask that?” Mabel wondered for a bit before going silent and putting a coy expression on her face. “You like Dipper, don't you P?” she said. “What, no I don't!” Pacifica claimed blushing harder. “I just think he's a nice guy, okay?”

“So that was Preston's girl, huh?” Ford wondered with his mouth full of fishsticks. “Yeah, it turns out she doesn't have the best parents and she saved my life during Northwest Fest. How she's doing now I don't want to know.” Dipper replied.

“And are you sure you have a crush on her?” the old-aged genius added, much to his younger counterpart's embarrassment. “Okay maybe I kind of do, but I'm afraid to confess my feelings to her because I'm terrible with girls.” he admitted. “I can definitely relate Dipper. One time when I was your age, I held hands with a girl who suddenly freaked out and ran away because of my six fingers.”

“And then there's Haruko.” Dipper continued. “She was initially a complete annoyance to me but as time went on, I'm starting to like her more. Maybe it's because of all the crazy adventures we went on because of her.” Ford then came to a conclusion. “Maybe it's because she has connections to Canti.” he said. “Maybe it seems that this town's weirdness has brought her here and all the robots with her. “

“Y'know speaking of weirdness, where did Grunkle Stan go anyway?” the boy wondered before his other great uncle pulled a pistol on him. “Whoa whoa whoa, I thought you were better than this!” Dipper exclaimed. “Don't fret kid, Stan left behind one of his ten guns and I want to see how durable your head is with that horn.”

Meanwhile somewhere near the Shack in the forest, a battle-damaged Kitsurubami was retching up dirt and grime from her tussle with Stan as she contacted her superior. “I'm on the ground. The attack was a failure, some old man got me distracted and I lost the target.” she spoke into the phone as Stan got up and walked away. “

That little tumble was fun and all babe, but I gotta go find Haruko.” the con-artist said. “It's a horrific entity that flies around like it hasn't heard of gravity.” Unbeknownst to her, Canti happened to float near her until she turned around and screamed.

Meanwhile back at the salon, Amarao was still on the phone as Kitsurubami started making random noises. “Kitsurubami, Kitsurubami! Are you alright?” he exclaimed into the phone before he got hit with a splash of water. “Now hold still sir, we're gonna do the hair color next.” his dyer stated as she started rubbing his red hair. “Now who do you want it, auburn, chestnust or maybe even, fooly cooly color?”

“Fooly.......cooly........” It took Amarao a while to realize it, but he recognized that voice from anywhere and the two pulled weapons on one another, with the woman revealing herself to be Haruko.

“What's with the eyebrows loverboy? An attempt at bushy masculine charm?!” she exclaimed pointing a razor at his neck. “Chicks dig the clean-cut look, that what you were thinking?!” Amarao wasn't having it as he pointed a handgun at her forehead. “Raharu!” he growled preparing to pull the trigger. “Deciding to send your little commando on a mission!” And that's when they went all out against each other with tons of firepower.

“Ow, are you done yet Ford?” Dipper exclaimed as Ford fired a few bullets at the boy's head. “Guess I am, that noggin of yours is really sturdy.” Ford replied as he tossed away the gun. “Your horn's acting up again, could it be that fooly cooly Stan keeps rambling about?” he asked noticing his great-nephew's horn as it started to wiggle.

“Hey guys, whatcha talkin' about?” Mabel wondered as she returned to them and sat down on the couch. “We were just discussing how much Haruko has changed us and Ford shooting me to see how tough my head was.” Dipper replied before taking his sister's head. “C'mon, let's go find Grunkle Stan.” Meanwhile, Kitsurubami had enough and started emptying lead on Canti. “NOOOO! STAY AWAY!” she exclaimed.

In town, Stan was charging through the streets looking for Haruko until he ran into a overweight man wearing a shirt that had a pizza on it. “Hey big guy, you seen a young lady about yay high, has pink hair and pretty much mentally unstable?” he asked panting before the pizza guy pointed at the hair salon. “Cool, thanks!”

Back onto Haruko and Amarao's firefight, the two continued giving each other all they got before standing off. “I'm not a child anymore, I'm an adult!” Amarao proclaimed putting on a pair of sunglasses. “I can buy my own insurance and everything!” Just then, dozens of other agents assembled behind him carrying guns like him.

“That robot is too dangerous. If we don't take it out, Medical Mechanica will make its move.” he explained. “You understand what they're planning and how it would affect the planet. And that thing, when it turns red, it's Atomsk.”

That last sentence alone made Haruko really angry as she opened fire on pretty much everyone in the building, shooting agents that busted in left and right until the front door was opened by Stan.

“Haruko, I've been wondering where you were!” he cried before turning his attention to Amarao. “Hello there eyebrows.” he grimaced at the head of the D.I.I. “Stan Pines, I knew you would show up here.” Amarao replied pointing his gun at the old trickster. “I'm surprised you didn't recognize me at first last night.” the great-uncle replied pulling out a gun of his own. “Was it the fake mustache?”

“You didn't have a fake mustache you idiot!” Amarao roared before turning to his men. “Pines isn't important right now, just stop Raharu!” At his command, they all dogpiled and pointed their guns at Haruko before she blasted them off her and pointed her Rickenbacker at Amarao. “You've got to be kidding me.” he groaned surrounded by the unconcious bodies of his fellow agents.

“Two against one, sounds like pretty good odds.” Stan added brandishing some brass knuckles.

Meanwhile, the Pines twins were running into town searching for their uncle. “You know bro, you've been acting pretty different lately, a bit less awkward and more awesome.” Mabel said. “Maybe Ford was right, maybe Haruko did have a part in the grand scheme of this.” Dipper boldly deducted. “Seriously Dipper, you've become so much different ever since she came here. She taught me to be braver in the face of life-threatening situations.”

Meanwhile, Stan and Haruko continued duking it out with Amarao while nearby townsfolk ran for cover, with the two tricksters getting the upper hand.

“You already are pretty brave. By the way, what's with that weird thing on the back of your head?” Mabel responded staring at the gun that appeared on her brother's head without his knowledge. “Be honest, you like her!”

Dipper stopped right there on the sidewalk as he was taken aback by his sister's words, given that he wasn't very good with romance and that Mabel's personal goal this summer was to meet a cute boy that would date her. Suddenly, he felt something click in his head as his horn burst out and planted itself in the ground before pushing him skyward as Mabel grabbed onto it.

The siren from Medical Mechanica sounded as the boy's horn grew larger, large enough to be noticed by Kitsurubami & Canti, Pacifica and all the people of Gravity Falls. Amarao, now on the ground after losing his battle with the man of mystery and his pink-haired partner and losing his large eyebrows, got up to notice what happened.

“Oh no, where are my eyebrows?!” he screamed before turning his head to the giant horn in the middle of town. “Medical Mechanica is using these machines to destroy this town and the rest of the planet, we are so screwed!” he continued on, much to Stan and Haruko's annoyance. “Yeesh, for such a calculating government agent, he sure is a wimp.” Stan mocked him. “Your friend is the one who caused all this Pines, and now we're all screwed because of her!”

“I don't care you idiot, got it memorized?” Haruko added scowling at Amarao. “Your guitar's not up to it, that's it!” he replied. “You're a million years under-evolved, you primitive monkey!” she screamed. “Whoa, take it easy babe!” Stan exclaimed trying to calm her down. “That's discriminatory language against underdeveloped planets!” Amarao shouted back before he was hit in the head with Haruko's bass before she waved it around while chanting.

“You can't do that here! Where are my eyebrows, my eyebrows!” Suddenly, a small thing appeared on the redhaired agent's forehead. “A little small as usual, but it'll do.” Haruko said plucking it off before revving up her instrument and taking off. “You handle him yourself Stan!”

“Stanley!” a voice called from a nearby alleyway. Stan walked into it to find his brother hiding. “Thank goodness you're still alive! Listen, we need to save Dipper & Mabel and the town!” Ford exclaimed. “Yep, that's the biggest one this story might put out.” Stan replied turning back to the giant robot.

“I have a feeling Diamond Brandy might show up, so I've decided to bring this along.” Reaching into a duffel bag, the genius pulled out a stone mask with a red gem on it.

“Oh mama, that looks like mob-boss quality!” the con-artist exclaimed reaching for him before his hand was slapped aside. “This is the Eyes of Heaven mask, an ancient artifact that I've recovered many years ago from temple ruins. If Diamond Brandy dare touches it, it could bring about the end of days!”

“Seriously, what does that chick see in those kids, especially the one with the hat?!” Amarao whined still looking up to the sky. “I don't know, maybe it's because he sort of has a pair.” Stan replied with a laugh.

Meanwhile high up in the sky, Dipper and Mabel were clinging on for dear life on top of the new robot's hat as it started moving towards Medical Mechanica. “If this is our last moment together Takkun, then I want to say it's been an honor being your sister!” Mabel exclaimed hugging her brother.

“I love you too Mabel, now hold on!” Dipper replied as he tried to find a way to safely return to the ground until a red light appeared zooming across the sky. It was Haruko, surfing on her guitar and wearing a Playboy bunny outfit for some reason. “Hey, it's Haruko!” the shooting star exclaimed. “Wait, why is she dressed like that?”

“DAICON FIVE!!!” Haruko cried as she fired a small guitar like a slingshot at the robot, knocking it back a bit. “Stop it Haruko!” Dipper shouted clinging on for dear life. “Please Takkun, summon Canti so that you can save us!” his sister cried ducking for cover. “Wait, are you serious right now?” the younger by five minutes boy exclaimed. “Of course I'm going to save us! CANTI!”

The Medical Machine sprung into the air and landed by his side. “And by the way, you've always known me as Dipper, not Takkun! You better remember that!” he shouted before getting eaten by Canti's torso jaws and making it turn red. As the robot pulled out a gun and started firing at the Vespa Woman, she gracefully dodged all its attack before being knocked down to the ground by one. Suddenly, Canti soared down and picked her up, seating her on its back.

Haruko prepared to attack with the slingshot again, but it proved ineffective against the mechanical monstrosity. “Ugh, useless!” she groaned throwing the slingshot away before slamming Canti's head, turning it into a cannon which fired at the gun-toting machine. It landed quite a hit, knocking it over while Mabel nearly fell off before Canti swooped in and saved her.

“It's falling!” Grenda exclaimed as she and Candy held each other close. “If this is the end of the line, then it's been fun being your friend!” the Asian girl replied before they noticed Mabel landing right in front of them. “Well, it's official. I have a fear of giant robots with cowboy hats and guns!” she exclaimed dusting herself.

“FINAL ROUND?!” Haruko exclaimed as the robot toppled over. Canti launched one final attack, which proved nothing when the robot repelled it by firing back and sending it careening into a nearby billboard. “I'm all out of ammo!” she complained before leaping into the air with her Rickenbacker in hand, but the robot aimed and fired all its weapons at her as it formed into a hand-like shape.

“Commander!” Kitsurubami cried as she and Amarao drove into the action. “I told you this was impossible!” her superior replied in panic before they were hit by a stray bullet. The bass-playing bunny continued falling as the robot got back up on its feet before she fell into Canti's arms when his screen started glowing.

“This is bad, it's heading towards the factory, it's gonna activate it!” Amarao screamed in terror before he spotted a beam of light spilling out of the Medical Machine's head. It grabbed the light and pulled it out, forming a guitar-shaped object. “It's....” Amarao said. “It's Atomsk's....” Haruko shouted in surprise.

“GIBSON EB-0 1961 MODEL!” they shouted in unison. Dropping Haruko, Canti launched itself at the robot, smacking it with the bass and finally making it fall over. It tumbled a bit before bouncing atop Medical Mechanica and turning into a giant hand. “I can't believe it, that must be the one!” Amarao exclaimed as it continued falling. “It's the real Pirate King!”

Canti struck one final blow, creating a large hole in the palm and causing a piece of machinery to burst out. Suddenly, steam erupted from the factory covering all of Gravity Falls with it. Meanwhile, Stan, Ford, Soos and Wendy were on a Mystery Shack golf cart searching for the kids. “See them dudes?” Soos asked. “No way Soos.” Wendy replied. “But we do see some kinda meteorite headed right for us.” Stan added. “Wait a minute, that isn't a meteor-RUN!” Ford exclaimed as they all ran far away from the golf cart as it met its untimely end in the hands of the clump of technology.

The red ammo fell from the billboard as the girls all watched, later joined by the Stans and the Shack employees. The golf cart crashed into a nearby fire hydrant spraying water on the glowing bullet before it turned back into their friend Dipper, followed by Haruko landing right next to him as she gazed into Atomsk's screen. “Atomsk!” she moaned.

“Dipper, you're alright!” Mabel exclaimed as she hugged her brother. “I was worried for you too.” he replied hugging her as well, before they patted each other on the back. “It's nice that both of you have their heads still attached which means your parents won't try to kill me, but now let's head back home.” Stan said picking them up by the arms. “I think you might need some rest.”

As they all happily walked back to the Shack, everything became frozen as a portal opened before them, which out climbed none other than Diamond Brandy. “Oh, did I miss the party?” he wondered as he raised a bubble around him and the Pines family. “Well, at least I get a few goodies.”

“Someone help us!” Mabel shouted pounding on the shield. “Soos, Wendy, Haruko, anyone!” Dipper added also pounding. “That shield won't work children. Outside things are going normally but here, I get to slaughter you and nobody will notice.” Diamond replied. “Now Six Fingers, I sense you have the item that I've been looking for.” he said turning to Ford. “I said it once and I'll say it again, I will never hand you the Eyes!” Ford declared. “Well then, if I can't take the mask, then I'll take your family's lives instead.” When he finished that sentence, the rest of the family became buried neck-down in the street, struggling to escape.

“Now what will it be Stanford, your loved ones or my key to ultimate power?” Brandy offered as he summoned a sword caked in blood in his hand. “You should know this sword is painted with the blood of my enemies.” Ford quivered as his brother and great-nephew & niece begged for mercy as he lowered the sword at their heads. “I think I'll start with.....” he pointed it at Stan. “YOU!!!”

“WAIT!” Ford interrupted his brother's execution by pulling out the mask. “I'll give you the mask, just leave my family and this planet alone!” The ruby gem resting atop its forehead glimmered in the light. “Very good choice.” the demon thanked him before pulling the three up like vegetables. “Now hand it over.”

“Hey wait, before you go off and destroy the galaxy, why don't you tell us your backstory? You just can't be evil because why not.” Mabel asked. “Fine Shooting Star, allow me to let you relive my past.” His fingertips glowed before he touched the Pines' foreheads, sending them all the way back to a Mayan-looking village. “Welcome to the story of how I became the monster you see today.”

“Before now, I was just another weakling that was picked on by my kinfolk.” he narrated as a young boy that looked like Diamond was picked on by other children. “Stay back, I have awesome powers that would make you wet your trousers!” the boy that would become Diamond Brandy exclaimed before throwing his hands out, expecting to release an awesome attack but nothing happen.

“Face it Deh'Go, you're not gonna go far.” one of the kids stated as they all walked away. “If you want your own powers, then why don't you just walk into a mud pit, I'm pretty sure you'd get earth powers.”

“Good Lord, and I thought Crampelter was bad.” Stan said as they all watched the younger Brandy weep in sorrow. “I just want to hug that nice and chubby baby so hard!” Mabel exclaimed as she tried to run up to the child, but failed.

“Sorry girl, we're spirits now. Meaning we can't interact with others while in this state.” Brandy explained. “My life was pretty terrible, but then everything changed when Atomsk attacked.”

He fast-forwarded time to a point where he was standing in the flaming ruins of his village. ”I wanted to help ward him off, but I failed and our home was reduced to rubble.” A short man with a bushy beard and white robes marched up to Brandy, looking very angry. “Do you realize what you have done Bu'Ran'Doy, now we have to rebuild!” the man barked as many other equally upset villagers gathered behind him. “But Atomsk is gone, that's good right?” the taller man sheepishly replied before his fellow Pole People started throwing rocks at him. “I was exiled from my home that day, but then I found help.”

Fast forwarding a little bit more, an image of Brandy drawing a circle in the dirt surrounded by a set of eight makeshift candles. “Hey, this is just like when Gideon summoned....oh no.” Dipper realized. “Indeed Pine Tree, it was at this spot where I first met a being you might know as Bill Cipher.” the demon explained as they all watched him summon the three-sided terror.

“Egassem sdrawkcab. egassem sdrawkcab. Egassem sdrawkcab! Egassem sdrawkcab! Egassem sdrawkcab!” the younger Diamond Brandy chanted with his eyes glowing blue as a familiar shape began to form, manically laughing along the way until Bill Cipher appeared before him.

“Hey there pal, name's Bill! And I suppose you summoned me for your own goals?” the dream demon greeted Brandy. “Indeed I have oh Great Triangle God of Weirdness,” Brandy replied kneeling before him. “I seek revenge on my people for shunning me all my life for my lack of special powers.”

“You mean those Pole People? Yeah, I think I can help you with that.” Bill replied as he began scrolling through different types of magic. “Which one would you like? I got water, earth, fire, air, metal, blood, etc!” All of those sounded interesting to the young Pole Person, but one had caught his eye. “I would like fire please.” he answered. “Firestarter? That's pretty hard to master.” the triangular terror said as he turned back to Deh'Go with his hand covered in blue fire. “Now do we have a deal?”

“It's a deal.” the future destroyer replied as he shook the demon's hand. “Alright, Firestarter's all yours pal!” Bill exclaimed as he started to disappear. “And remember, THE MEANING OF LIFE IS A JOKE, I WILL RETURN HERE ONE DAY, HERE'S JOHNNY BYYYYYYEEEEEE!!!!!!!” Cipher had disappeared, leaving Buh'Ran'Doy with this paper rune as he cackled evilly. “Look out Cylindoria, I will return!”

“What I didn't realize was that a lone villager was spying on me and Bill.” And he was right, a villager with a prominent bald spot watched as Brandy laughed, fearing the worst for his people. “When he returned to the city of Cylindoria, he explained what he had saw to the high council and they decided to create a mask that would end my reign of terror. And the rest was history.”

With that, he fast-forwarded through the rest of his story, from the creation of the mask, him mastering his powers, the destruction of Cylindoria and being sealed by the last Pole Person, who turned out to be that same villager. “Now that we got my backstory out of the way, the mask please.” Brandy ordered, in which Ford complied handing it over. “Yes, ultimate power is mine!” He put it on and everything was silent. Then, beams of light burst out of his limbs as he felt his power growing.

Then everything went silent again as the mask crumbled into pieces and falling onto the pavement. “Thank you for your time mortal, I promise your planet will be left unharmed.” Diamond Brandy thanked Ford before summoning his sword and soaring into the sky while the shield disappeared.

“Hey dudes, we were wondering what happened to you.” Soos said with a concerned look on his face. “Yeah, while you were gone Haruko ran off with Canti because of some weird Pirate King stuff that isn't related to that pirate show Soos watches.” Wendy added. “We actually weren't gone, we were held captive by this crazy guy who wanted to kill us unless Ford handed over this mask he wanted!” Mabel exclaimed while Dipper gazed into the sky, wondering where Haruko had gone.

“Aw chin up kid, Haruko may be gone probably for good and the whole universe is in danger, but at least we got Mrs. Pell's Fishsticks!” Stan reassured his great-nephew which Ford blush. “Well that's a pretty funny story. I uh, ate them all.” he nervously confessed showing the empty box to his brother. “They tasted so good when they're raw!” Stan replied by punching him in the face.

Hello everyone, Ford here. Well this is it, the final chapter is almost here. I just want to say it's been a fun ride with you all and I really had a fun time, even if I nearly doomed us all. Join us next time for Fooly Falls chapter 6! Now go beyond, PLUS ULTRA!

#gravity falls #flcl #fanfiction #crossover #fooly falls #dipper pines #mabel pines #haruko haruhara #canti #stanley pines #stanford pines #soos ramirez #wendy corduroy #commander amarao #lt. kitsurubami #pacifica northwest #diamond brandy

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inkyardpress · 7 years ago

Text

THE GATEKEEPERS EXCERPT

Mallory

7:55 AM

where r u?

8:11 AM

r u coming??

8:17 AM

seriously wtf, when will u be here?

Liam

10:34 AM

Srry

MALLORYGOODMAN

Seventy-one, seventy-two, seventy-three.

Harder.

Faster.

You can do it, I tell myself. You have to do it.

Seventy-four, seventy-five.

Stop being the kind of lard-ass who let her boyfriend pressure her into scarfing down onion rings.

“They’re so good,” he’d insisted. “Extra salty, really crispy. They’re the perfect balance of light batter and onion, like tempura. The chef brought his A-game to the deep fryer. You’ll be sorry if you don’t at least try one.”

Whenever our squad wants to meet for dinner, I suggest a place with a salad bar. I always eat the same thing—a blend of arugula and romaine, shredded carrots, red cabbage, diced peppers, and celery sticks, tossed in lemon juice, with a side of fat-free ranch dressing. If I’ve been good, I grab a grapefruit or an apple for dessert at home.

Obviously, I wasn’t good last night.

Liam wouldn’t let it go, though. He leaned across the table, doing that baby-feeding, airplane-in-the-hangar move with the onion ring, complete with sound effects. Everyone in the whole restaurant started looking at us. Sure, they’re always looking at us, because Liam’s kind of our school’s Golden Boy, but last night they were seriously staring. The easiest thing was to open up and just eat the stupid, greasy thing. So I chewed and smiled when all I wanted to do was to spit it into my napkin—but I’d never hear the end of it if I did that.

I swear Jasper Gates was ready to search inside my mouth afterward to make sure I’d actually swallowed, like on those cheesy survival game shows where the host verifies contestants downed the whole worm. Jasper was the one who demanded I eat another, because the first one was “too small.” Sitting there, all kicked back and smarmy in his obnoxious plaid shorts and Ray-Bans, I wanted to smack him. Who wears sunglasses inside at night? We’re in Illinois, not LA. And my diet is Jasper’s business how exactly? Do I get on him for the stupid loafers he insists on wearing without socks, even when it’s snowing?

Can you believe he actually wonders why I call him the JasHole?

Ugh, I hate Liam’s friends.

Seventy-six, seventy-seven.

I dig in my heels and try to spring up even more quickly as I run the stadium steps for the third time. My pulse quickens inside my chest.

Okay.

That’s more like it.

My brother Theo and his best friend, Braden, turned me on to running the stairs, something their football coach makes them do first thing in the morning during the season. That way they can spend the afternoon drilling on the field or weight training for their two-a-days. Kids at other schools can’t believe how much our teams practice. They always say this after we’ve beaten them, so you tell me who’s got it right.

One twenty-one. One twenty-two.

Well, most of us believe in all the practice.

Ahem, Liam.

First, he makes me ingest a fatty carb bomb and then he doesn’t even show to run the stairs with me this morning? He claimed he hurt his knee playing ultimate Frisbee after soccer practice yesterday. Last night, the JasHole was all, “You should give it a rest, brah. Don’t want to be a gimp when the season starts. Take it easy.”

Well, guess what, Liam?

Winners walk it off.

Winners play through the pain, brah.

Winners make time to run the stairs, each day, every day, even those days when they know they’ll be up until 2:00 a.m. writing their final AP Italian theme on Il pendolo di Foucault.

I keep going.

I mean, my calves feel like they’re on fire right now, like they’re being poked with burning hot knives, but the discomfort’s just spurring me on.

Go. Run faster.

I make it to the top and sprint back down the steps double-time. I don’t count the stairs on the way down; that’s considered rest.

Rest is for the weak.

Three hundred. Three hundred and one. Three hundred and two.

Move it, Calorie Mallory. Get your fat ass up those steps. Knees up. Knees up to the chest. More. Do more.

I ask myself, Do you think the New Trier Trevians ate onion rings last night? Hell, no. Did the Lake Forest Scouts wolf down fro-yo last week? Doubtful.

Hustle. Now.

I glance at my iWatch. All right, I’m in the zone. I’m at 95 percent of my target heart rate. I’m a finely tuned machine, burning off serious blubber. Keep it up.

Five hundred forty-nine. Five hundred fifty. Five fifty-one.

I’m sweating now, but that’s good because sweat is fat crying for mercy.

I mean, why would Liam slam on the brakes now? Why would he look for an excuse to slack? Our senior year starts Monday.

This is the time to go balls-out.

We haven’t reached the summit. There’s no time to coast. We’re coming up on the hardest part of our twelve-year academic climb—applying to college.

Now is when we show the world what we’re made of.

Now is when we prove we have the right stuff for Princeton’s early decision.

Now is when we lay the groundwork for our senior year.

Liam and I spent the past couple of months honing our skills at our camps, getting in our volunteer hours, and doing our extra coursework so that we’ll to be ready to kill our exams and nab our respective state championships when classes start. Winning those matching Homecoming King and Queen crowns come October wouldn’t hurt, either, because that would show that we’re social as well as athletic and academic.

We’re the full package. We’re hashtag BarbieandKen.

Which is why we have to push ourselves harder right now.

I don’t want to give up. Quitting? Not an option. I remember what happened over the summer with Paulie and Macey, and I feel like I’ve swallowed glass, like I’m all slashed up inside. They had everything...until they decided they didn’t, so they gave up. Stopped fighting. Braden speculates that maybe they both burned so brightly, flaming out was inevitable.

I refuse to accept that.

So I need to be strong. I need to be hard. That’s why I’m not even allowing myself a drink of water until I hit my first one thousand steps.

I give myself a gut-check. Are you tired, Mallory? Do you want to surrender? Yeah? That’s because you’re not reaching your full potential. You’re at a B-minus of effort right now, and that’s an unweighted grade, non-honors track. Your performance doesn’t even merit a state school, let alone Ivy League early decision. What are you going to do, end up somewhere mortifying like the University of Iowa, with all the slackers? NO. You’ve sacrificed for this. You’ve earned this. Claim what’s yours.

I step it up.

I push and pump my arms.

Explode. Off. Each. Step.

I won’t give up.

I can’t flame out.

I harness the energy inside of me.

I go harder and higher.

Senior year starts in three days.

And I will be ready.

Stephen

12:30 PM

can we walk by again @ 1:00 PM?

Kent

12:31 PM

Stalker 😊

STEPHENCHO

“So this is your homerun swing?”

I don’t reply.

Kent persists. “Walking back and forth in front of the new girl’s house in the broiling sun ’til she notices you?”

The beads of sweat dotting his upper lip give him the illusion of having a mustache.

Yeah, he wishes.

“Trust in the process,” I assure him. As we approach her house, I slow my pace so drastically, it’s like we’re suddenly a couple of senior citizens mincing along behind our walkers.

“I trusted in the process an hour ago, back before my Chucks were melting into the asphalt.” He points at his black Converse. “Now I just want to strip down to my underwear and lie on an air conditioning vent. I wanna mainline a pony keg of Gatorade.”

I attempt to explain my rationale again. “She’s gonna notice us out here. She’s gonna notice us and then she’s gonna invite us in, at which point we’re gonna be charming and shit and it’ll all happen from there,” I say. “My plan is foolproof.”

Kent tugs at his vintage Run-D.M.C. Adidas T-shirt, which is now drenched in perspiration and clinging to his narrow frame like a second skin.

“Please. Your ‘plan’ is the opposite of foolproof.” Kent makes air quotes with his fingertips when he says the word plan. “This is the worst ‘plan’ in the history of ‘plans.’ If this ‘plan’ were in World War II, this would be your Stalingrad. PS, you’re the Germans losing 330,000 men in this scenario, not the Soviet resistance. Pretty sure MENSA’s revoking your membership over said ‘plan.’”

Kent’s probably right, but I refuse to admit it. See, I’m so desperate to meet this girl that I don’t even care. While it sounds premature, I have a good feeling about her and I can already tell she’s different in all the right ways. (I’m not psychic. My mom had the 411 long before the first moving truck arrived. She’s not only on the Homeowners’ Association but she’s also the Realtor who listed the house.)

I’ve been thinking about this girl ever since I heard she existed. Scoop is, the family’s here from London and the mom’s writing some book about the suburbs. Maybe one of those coffee-table books, wide and thick, with as many pictures as words? North Shore makes total sense because nowhere is more suburban than here.

I’m serious—we should be listed in Wikipedia under “suburbs” because this town elevates the suburbs game to a whole new level. Peace and quiet? Check. Amazing school system? Check. Lots of natural beauty and green space? Check. Nonexistent crime stats? Check.

Beyond that, North Shore sets rules on how things should look. Image is everything up here. For example, like every other suburban town, we have a McDonald’s. However, there are no golden arches out front of ours, ’cause someone decided that would be tacky. Instead, there’s a small, tasteful wooden sign posted amid a bunch of wild roses. Also, the restaurant’s housed in a big green Shaker-style barn, with columns and white-paned windows.

It’s weird.

The town’s as strict with home standards as it is with businesses. Like, no one’s allowed to chop down trees on their own property without a permit, so every home is surrounded by lots of old-growth oaks. Most of the houses, especially those close to the lake like ours, sit on two or three acres. (Ask me how much this sucked when we used to trick or treat. We wanted candy, not cardio.)

Basically, North Shore’s nothing but big ol’ houses on huge green lawns, yogurt shops, and fancy, useless designer boutiques. I hate having go all the way up to Gurnee or Libertyville to buy comic books, yet there’s three places downtown to pick up a two-hundred-dollar sweater for your purse dog. I’d be all, Who wants that stuff?

Except I know at least ten people who would.

Anyway, the new family bought the Barat house, which is why I feel conflicted about being excited that they’re here. I hadn’t talked to Paulie much since junior high, or hung out with him since grade school, but it’s still really sad. My mom, who’s usually totally in the know, isn’t 100 percent sure where the Barats went. Their attorneys handled the sale because the family hauled ass out of North Shore ASAFP.

I can’t blame them.

The new girl’s dad is this world-famous, super-eccentric British artist with a man-bun. I looked up a lot of his stuff online. He’s always doing these avant-garde art installations, often so bizarre they end up on the news. I read a listicle on BuzzFeed about him. The piece that stuck out most was his exhibit in Burundi, a country where something like 75 percent of all the residents are undernourished. The guy built a replica of McDonald’s golden arches out of bags of liposuctioned fat as a statement about global inequality.

What did that even smell like once the sun hit it?

(FYI, his piece was not shaped like a Shaker-style barn.)

My point is, no one’s like that here in North Shore; no one has that kind of social conscience.

No one’s super-eccentric.

No dads have man-buns, that’s for damn sure.

The girl’s name is Simone and she’s my age and on her Instagram, she’s smokin’ hot, but not in a fake, plastic-y way like everyone else in this town. Maybe that’s because her mom was a famous model. Simone’s got this long, coffee-colored wavy hair that’s shaved on one side and she kind of dresses like a vocalist from a ’70s rock group. The times I’ve spied her from the street, she’s been wearing lots of scarves and bangles and other cool stuff that definitely does not come from J. Crew.

Simone has a casual elegance, like a Disney princess who doesn’t know what she is because an evil queen gave her amnesia and forced her to live in the forest. She strikes me as worldly and wise and chill, deep and interesting in a way that all the brittle future sorority girls in my school are not. She definitely doesn’t seem like the type of girl who’d eviscerate you for the cardinal sin of asking her to a middle school mixer, leaving you shamefaced and speechless in the middle of the cafeteria, too terrified to ever try again.

Kent says no one could have possibly have drawn these opinions, nobody could have come up with all these positive character traits by simply walking past her house.

I maintain that he couldn’t because he has no imagination; he’s too linear in his thinking. That’s also why I always beat him at chess.

I wouldn’t expect him to understand my fascination with Simone. He’s been obsessed with this generic blonde goddess named Mallory since grade school. I bet Mallory wouldn’t even bother to spit on him if he were on fire, but I keep that to myself. Kent soldiers on in his relentless pursuit, hope springing eternal. He kind of reminds me of a dog chasing a car when it comes to Mallory—he’s never going to catch the vehicle and he’d have no clue what to do with it if he did, but damned if he ever stops running behind it.

While he might whine about stalking Simone, he’s helping me anyway.

“There’s no fluid left in me—I sweated it all out. I’m literally leeching salt at this point,” Kent complains. He swipes his forehead and rubs his fingers against his palm. I hear the grit when he scrapes his hand against itself but pretend I don’t.

He says, “Seriously, bro, there’s a crust on my brow. Come on, Stephen... It’s over. Give it up. Let’s head to the beach. I wanna go walk directly into the lake, like, shoes and all, I don’t even care.”

I need to admit defeat.

And yet...

“One more pass?” I want this to sound like a command, a marching order, but my words come out more plaintive than planned.

He narrows his eyes and stares me down for a solid thirty seconds. “You suck.”

I guess plaintive worked.

We turn at the corner for our final walk-by when we see her garage door opening in the distance. Like Botticelli’s Birth of Venus, Simone comes into focus from the darkness of the garage, her form slowly revealed as the door inches upward, only instead of being surrounded by angels while naked astride a clamshell (my preference), she’s standing in front of a mountain of cardboard, buttressed by recycling bins.

She is the embodiment of divine love, august gold, wreathed and beautiful, clad in the heavenly raiment of a baggy, tie-dyed overall dress.

Oh, yes. She will be mine.

“You said that out loud, dude,” Kent tells me. “You may want to work on keeping your internal monologue, you know, internal.”

Simone spots us and waves.

“Check it out, she’s waving!” Kent says, shielding his eyes with his hand as he squints down the long, curved, sun-drenched driveway. Every house in our ’hood is set back from the curb no less than one-tenth of a mile. (Again, this blew at Halloween. Batman shouldn’t have to wear gym shoes.)

Kent continues, “No, that’s not a wave. She’s gesturing for us to come up to her garage. Yes! Score! You know, I doubted you, Cho. I did. Thought we were wasting our time, but you proved me wrong. Get up there and claim your woman. ’Bout time something good happened around here.” He gives me a small push in her direction.

“Walk faster,” I hiss, my heart beginning to race like a hamster on a wheel. “Actually, run.”

Kent comes to a dead stop. “Aw, hell no. Not this again. I am not walking faster and I’m sure as shit not running. I did not just sweat out half my body weight going back and forth for you to wuss out when you finally get your chance to talk to her. You wanted her to see you? Mission accomplished. Get your ass up there and have a conversation. ’Cause I’m done here. We have less than a week left before school starts and the last thing I wanna do is stand in the blazing hot street for one more second. Now, I’m going for a swim and you’re gonna go work your magic. Text you later.”

He walks toward the wooded path that leads to the residents-only beach on Lake Michigan a couple of blocks away while I stand frozen by her mailbox.

I want to talk to her. I do.

I want to work my magic.

I want to so badly...but I just can’t.

Maybe Kent’s not the dog who’s caught the car. Maybe it’s me.

I open my mouth to try to explain but the words won’t come out.

Kent’s a whole house away when he glances over his shoulder. He sees that I haven’t moved. He looks at a bemused Simone—she’s still midwave—and then at me. With a small shake of his head, he jogs back over. He’s out of breath by the time he reaches me.

Grudgingly, Kent says, “I could probably be your wingman for a few more minutes.” Relief washes over me and I’m able to move again. We start walking up the drive together.

He asks, “How is it that you’re both the smartest and the dumbest guy in our school?”

I shrug.

If I knew, then I’d tell him.

KENTMATHERS

“You are coming across as a fucking lunatic right now, you hear me?”

Stephen won’t look at me.

I tell him, “You don’t seem like someone walking up to introduce himself to a girl he’s been crushing on, oh, no. You look like someone who wants to make an ottoman out of her skin. Take a deep breath and chill.”

I’m trying to not sound as frustrated as I feel...and totally failing.

I don’t know how Stephen always ropes me into his schemes, but here we are. A-fucking-gain. All I want to do is go to the beach and catch some sun so that I don’t look like I spent the summer walking to and from the dorms at Physics Camp (which I did). I mean, I can live with being short and I’ve made peace with the fact that I’m still carded for PG-13 movies, but I draw the line at a farmer’s tan. One good afternoon on the sand; that’s all I need.

Yet am I chillin’ on the shores of Lake Michigan gettin’ my bronze on?

No.

Instead, I’m on another one of Mr. Cho’s Wild Rides and I’m over it.

Stephen’s always all about this false bravado, Mr. I Have a Plan and Mr. I Will Make It So. He’s such a nerd that he actually draws what he envisions. I mean, he storyboards out the whole damn thing. Because he’s so good at picturing himself Making It So with the Plan He Has, we reach the point where everything clicks and he actually could achieve his goal but then he chickens out and blows everything.

He had one job today, which was to go up and say hey to the new girl, and he can’t even do that on his own.

I want to help him, I do, but being his keeper is getting old. We’ve been locked in this wingman dance since we met in preschool. This is his pattern. Today reminds me of when we used to go to the waterpark in the Wisconsin Dells as kids. The whole school year, he’d boast about jumping off the high dive and all the flips and somersaults he’d do, comparing himself to Sammy Lee, the first Asian American to win Olympic gold in platform diving. How he’d be a better diver than anyone else at the pool because he understood aerodynamics and would use that to his benefit. I have no doubt that’s true. Stephen’s getting early acceptance to MIT, count on that. Dude’s got a brain the size of Montana.

But then he’d climb up, tiptoe to the edge of the board, look at the water and freak the fuck out.

Everyone would have to scramble off the ladder so that he could climb down. He’d talk a huge game but couldn’t follow through, could never commit. He didn’t dive off the big board, not once. He had zero confidence in his execution, regardless of having it perfect on paper.

His problem is, he builds all this stuff up in his head. Thinking about whatever he wants to do ends up being so much scarier than the act itself that it cripples him. The only reason he ever made it down the giant slide at the park is that I went in tandem with him.

I can only say, “Just do it” so many times.

I mean, I’m not a goddamned Nike T-shirt.

Don’t get me wrong, he’s great at what he knows. He’s the strongest competitor on our Physics Olympics team. But the second there’s not a set answer to a question or he encounters an untrodden path, he falls apart.

The bitch of it is, I bet he has a chance with this girl. At a cursory glance—and given the full, rich backstory Stephen’s already assigned Simone, provided it’s true—she could be a match. I mean, I spend all day, every day with him, so I know he’s interesting. He has to be, for me to put up with all his bullshit. He can fascinate me and I’m not easily entertained. When he feels comfortable, he’ll talk at length about any subject, and he’s not like those boring-ass meatheads at school who are All Sports, 24/7.

At the very least, Stephen could be the first guy to ask her out here in North Shore. They don’t have to fall in love; maybe they could be great buds. Maybe no end zone, just friend zone? At least he’d have tried to score, you know? But if I weren’t here walking him down the long-ass driveway, telling him to not look like a goddamned serial killer, even that would have no chance of happening.

I don’t want to be all, He holds me back! because that’s a shitty thing to say about my best friend.

Although sometimes I think about where I’d be if we hadn’t met, if my parents had bought that smaller house in Kenilworth and not the one a few miles up the road in North Shore. Then he’d be my archrival at the Physics Olympics and not my closest companion.

Would that be so bad, I wonder?

Would we push each other toward greatness, his Tesla to my Edison?

Guess we’ll never know.

The closer we come to the garage, the more Stephen slows, and I feel like I’m dragging a reluctant mule to market.

Ridiculous.

On second thought, I wonder if Stephen’s just freaked out about this being the Barats’ old house. Didn’t happen here, but there’s still kind of a bad vibe, you know? We hung out with Paulie all the time when we were little. But Stephen and I stopped running around with Paulie around the time that friendships solidify more because of shared interests and less due to geographical proximity.

Neither of us ever fought with Paulie, never had a falling-out or anything. We just went in different directions. It happens, you know? God, though, I felt so bad for everyone in his family, especially his little sister, Anna. How do you even deal when you’re twelve?

Stephen took it extrahard. He was fixated on the whole thing, to the point that I was secretly kinda glad about going to a different camp than him over the summer.

I thought he was moving on, but what if he’s not? Maybe that’s why he’s suddenly panicky about his plan working. Maybe he’s freaked out about seeing the inside of Paulie’s house again.

When we’re about ten feet away from Simone, I get my first good look at her. Beyond her mountain of dark hair, I notice her eyes, which are a warm amber color. Through Stephen’s extensive social media stalking, he found out that her grandfather’s from India. But for being part Indian, her skin’s surprisingly pale and she’s covered in freckles. She’s cute in a messy, hipster way, except she doesn’t give off a pretentious vibe. She strikes me as the kind of girl who’d forget she’d stuck a paintbrush behind her ear

While she may not be my type, I see what intrigues Stephen. She’s about the first girl up here who doesn’t come across as a miniature version of all our mothers, with sculpted triceps, blown-straight hair, and a splashy floral tank dress.

(Is it weird/kind of oedipal that I find that combination oddly erotic? Wait, don’t answer that.)

“Cheers!” she says. I don’t hear much of a British accent. Huh. Thought she was from England? “We have a right mess going here. Look at this rubbish—we’re practically drowning in it! Can you please tell me when and how they collect the wheelie bins?”

I can’t help it, I start laughing at her turn of phrase while Stephen shoots me a murderous look, I mean, really full of poison. I get a hold of myself, explaining, “Sorry. That sounded exactly like something Mary Poppins would say. By the way, hi, I’m Kent Mathers.”

She holds out her hand. “Pleasure to meet you. I’m Mary P.”

Stephen bleats, “I thought you were Simone!”

I want to face-palm out of secondhand embarrassment but I quickly interject with a subject change to afford him some dignity. “So, the garbage cans and recycling bins are picked up on our street on Tuesdays and Fridays. Just leave them by your garage and a guy from Streets and Sanitation will pull up to the side of your house in a little golf cart.”

“That’s brilliant!” she exclaims.

“Nothing but the best for North Shore,” I say.

“A bit fancy here, isn’t it?” she replies, which is an understatement in the same way that saying that the ocean’s fairly sizable or a Maserati’s kind of a zippy ride. The average home around here has six bedrooms and just as many baths. And everyone renovates their kitchen every five years. God forbid we keep our almond milk in a fridge from 2010.

Simone tells us, “My friend Cordelia says my strategy for America should be finding the biggest bitch in school and immediately taking her down. Is she right?”

“Hmm,” I reply, pretending to muse. “That’s less ‘high school’ and more ‘prison.’ You should probably Netflix Glee and also Orange Is the New Black.”

“I shall make a mental note. I already feel you’re both full of helpful advice, you possibly more than him,” she says with a grin in Stephen’s direction, “so I insist you come inside for something cold to drink before you melt on the spot.”

Even though she’s teasing, I can see Stephen blanch and yet again I feel like I’ve gotta rescue him.

“Okay, very important to discuss before we come in and definitely will determine if we’re gonna be friends,” I say, referencing the one subject that will absolutely, positively draw Stephen out of his shell and into the conversation. “Are you Biggie or are you Tupac?”

She tilts her head to the side. “As in...Smalls and Shakur?”

“Uh-huh. As in the most violent and hotly contested rap rivalry from the mid ’90s.”

She crosses her arms over her chest and looks thoughtful. “When my parents were our age, they said they could immediately identify kindred spirits by scanning their vinyl/cassette/CD collections, but now that music’s digital, it’s impossible to walk into someone’s home and assess their tastes. Kind of a shame, really.”

“You’re dodging the question,” I say.

“Not a dodge, just providing context. Honestly, my musical proclivities are profoundly eclectic. I listen to everything from opera to Swedish death metal depending on my mood.”

I raise an eyebrow. “There you go, dodging again. This gonna be a thing with you?”

She makes an X mark over her heart. “No, promise, won’t be a thing.”

“Then what’s your answer? Or did you need to step into your car first to collect your thoughts?” She seems confused as I peer around the four-car garage. I clarify, “You do drive a Dodge, right?”

Simone holds up her hands in the universal stop symbol and I notice she’s wearing dozens of funky bracelets. Do they get in the way in the bathroom?

(Is that a strange thing to wonder?)

“Okay, okay. Point taken. Hmm... Who do I prefer? Well, both artists had such an influence on modern hip-hop that to choose one over the other would be like deciding between peanut butter and chocolate. Both are perfect, for different reasons.”

My suddenly mute friend Stephen avoids eye contact and traces circles on the floor with the tip of his sneaker. Some days it’s like I want to take video of him so he can see how he comes across. Bro, give me something to work with here.

(I should storyboard that shit out for him.)

I persist, “Oh, you must be into baseball because clearly you root for the Dodgers. Listen, anyone who’s familiar with the genre has an opinion. Can you like them both? Absolutely. But you have to prefer one over the other. So who’s it gonna be—Biggie or Tupac?”

“I feel like there’s a lot of hidden weight in this question,” she says, tucking a wild strand of dark hair back into her scruffy topknot.

“There is,” I reply. In my peripheral vision, I see Stephen sizing up all the cardboard. Ten bucks says he’s mentally drawing himself inside a fort made of boxes.

Simone tucks her thumbs into her dress pockets and leans back on her heels. “You understand my reticence, what with being new and all.”

“I do.”

“I clearly run the risk of alienating one of you, potentially both.”

I nod. “Distinct possibility.”

“One that I fear.”

“Right now, your choice is the Schrödinger’s cat of opinions. At this moment, you say you prefer both Biggie and Tupac but that can’t be. It’s simply not the natural state. You have to be one or the other. We need to open this box and find out for sure.”

I like her.

I don’t like her like her but she seems fun, seems like she’d be a fine addition to our crew. Let’s be honest, it’s a fairly exclusive crew, as Stephen and I aren’t exactly the most popular kids in school. We’re not hated, we’re just not even...considered, you know? Adding an interesting person to our social circle could only make our senior year better. We used to be friends with everyone growing up, but people started to splinter four or five years ago, forming their own cliques, and now Stephen and I are way too insular. We’re a party of two, which is kind of depressing.

Maybe if we tried a little harder, we’d be invited to stuff. We’d be welcomed back into the fold, reintroduced into NSHS’s social scene. (People are always crying about all the drinking and the drug use among high school students up here, but I’ll be damned if I’ve ever even seen any.)

However, Simone’s not going to want to be around me and my fascinating friend Stephen if he can’t find a way to open his goddamned mouth and interact.

“Then, my answer is... Me Against the World,” she says, naming off a Tupac album.

Stephen breaks into a massive smile and fist bumps Simone, the thrill of this unexpected victory infusing him with a turbocharge of confidence. “I’m Stephen, Stephen Cho. Welcome to the neighborhood.”

I exhale.

He may just be okay after all.

WANT MORE? ADD IT TO YOUR GOODREADS AND ORDER IT TODAY!

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mikemortgage · 6 years ago

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EPA chief Pruitt resigns after months of scandals

WASHINGTON — Environmental Protection Agency Administrator Scott Pruitt resigned Thursday amid ethics investigations of outsized security spending, first-class flights and a sweetheart condo lease.

With Pruitt’s departure, President Donald Trump loses an administrator many conservatives regarded as one of the more effective members of his Cabinet. But Pruitt had also been dogged for months by scandals that spawned more than a dozen federal and congressional investigations.

White House Chief of Staff John Kelly and other officials pushed Pruitt to tender his resignation Thursday amid the mounting scandals, according to a senior administration official not authorized to discuss the situation publicly. Talking to reporters on Air Force One, Trump continued to praise his scandal-plagued EPA chief, saying there was “no final straw” and he had not asked for Pruitt’s resignation.

“Scott is a terrific guy,” Trump said. “He came to me and said I have such great confidence in the administration I don’t want to be a distraction. … He’ll go and do great things and have a wonderful life, I hope.”

In his resignation letter to Trump, obtained by The Associated Press, Pruitt expressed no regrets.

“It is extremely difficult for me to cease serving you in this role first because I count it a blessing to be serving you in any capacity, but also, because of the transformative work that is occurring,” Pruitt wrote. “However, the unrelenting attacks on me personally, my family, are unprecedented and have taken a sizable toll on all of us.”

Pruitt, a Republican, had appeared Wednesday at a White House picnic for Independence Day, wearing a red-checked shirt and loafers with gold trim. Trump gave him and other officials a brief shout-out, offering no sign of any immediate change in his job.

EPA Deputy Administrator Andrew Wheeler, a former coal industry lobbyist, will take the helm as acting administrator starting Monday.

“I have no doubt that Andy will continue on with our great and lasting EPA agenda,” Trump tweeted Thursday.

Pruitt’s resignation came days after two of his closest advisers spoke to House oversight committee investigators and revealed new, embarrassing details in ethics scandals involving Pruitt.

Samantha Dravis, who recently resigned as Pruitt’s policy chief, told investigators last week that Pruitt had made clear to her before and after he became EPA administrator that he would like the attorney general’s job, held then and now by Jeff Sessions.

Pruitt “had hinted at that (sic) some sort of conversation had taken place between he and the president,” Dravis told congressional investigators, according to a transcript obtained Thursday by the AP. “That was the position he was originally interested in.”

A former Oklahoma attorney general close to the oil and gas industry, Pruitt had filed more than a dozen lawsuits against the agency he was picked to lead. Arriving in Washington, he worked relentlessly to dismantle Obama-era environmental regulations that aimed to reduce toxic pollution and planet-warming carbon emissions.

During his one-year tenure, Pruitt crisscrossed the country at taxpayer expense to speak with industry groups and hobnob with GOP donors, but he showed little interest in listening to advocates he derided as “the environmental left.” Those groups quickly applauded his departure.

“Despite his brief tenure, Pruitt was the worst EPA chief in history,” said Kieran Suckling, executive director of the Center for Biological Diversity. “His corruption was his downfall, but his pro-polluter policies will have our kids breathing dirtier air long after his many scandals are forgotten.”

Like Trump, Pruitt voiced skepticism about mainstream climate science and was a fierce critic of the Paris climate agreement. The president cheered his EPA chief’s moves to boost fossil fuel production and roll back regulations opposed by corporate interests.

But despite boasts of slashing red tape and promoting job creation, Pruitt had a mixed record of producing real-world results. Many of the EPA regulations Pruitt scraped or delayed had not yet taken effect, and the tens of thousands of lost coal mining jobs the president pledged to bring back never materialized.

Pruitt was forced out following a series of revelations involving pricey trips with first-class airline seats and unusual security spending, including a $43,000 soundproof booth for making private phone calls. He also demanded 24-hour-a-day protection from armed officers, resulting in a swollen 20-member security detail that blew through overtime budgets and racked up expenses of more than $3 million.

Pruitt routinely ordered his EPA staff to do personal chores for him, including picking up his dry cleaning and trying to obtain a used Trump hotel mattress for his apartment. He had also enlisted his staff to contact conservative groups and companies to find a lucrative job for his unemployed wife, including emails seeking a Chick-fil-A franchise from a senior executive at the fast-food chain.

Pruitt’s job had been in jeopardy since the end of March, when ABC News first reported that he leased a Capitol Hill condo last year for just $50 a night. It was co-owned by the wife of a veteran fossil fuels lobbyist whose firm had sought regulatory rollbacks from EPA.

Both Pruitt and the lobbyist, Steven Hart, denied he had conducted any recent business with EPA. But Hart was later forced to admit he had met with Pruitt at EPA headquarters last summer after his firm, Williams & Jensen, revealed he had lobbied the agency on a required federal disclosure form.

Pruitt also publicly denied any knowledge of massive raises awarded to two close aides he had brought with him to EPA from Oklahoma. Documents later showed Pruitt’s chief of staff had signed off on the pay hikes, indicating he had the administrator’s consent.

The slew of damaging revelations, many of which came to light through media reports and public records lawsuits filed by environmental groups, triggered more than a dozen investigations related to Pruitt’s conduct by EPA’s Office of Inspector General, the House Oversight Committee and other federal watchdogs.

It was not immediately clear how Pruitt’s resignation might affect those ongoing probes. No longer a federal employee, Pruitt can’t be compelled to speak or otherwise co-operate with the inspector general’s investigation. As a private citizen, he could still be subpoenaed to testify before Congress, but Republican-led committees have thus far shown little appetite in forcing him to do so.

Jennifer Kaplan, a spokeswoman for EPA Inspector General Arthur Elkins, said Thursday that the office was “assessing and evaluating” its ongoing audits and investigations in the wake of Pruitt’s departure.

Sen. John Barrasso, the Republican chairman of the Senate Committee on Environment and Public Works and until Thursday a strong defender of Pruitt, said Trump made the right decision to accept the resignation.

“It has become increasingly challenging for the EPA to carry out its mission with the administrator under investigation,” said Barrasso, who is from Wyoming.

Pruitt is the latest Trump Cabinet official to lose his job over ethics issues. Veterans Affairs Secretary David Shulkin was fired in March amid questionable travel charges and a growing rebellion in his agency about the privatization of medical care. Health and Human Services Secretary Tom Price was fired last year after it was disclosed he took costly charter flights instead of commercial planes.

“Mr. Pruitt’s brazen abuse of his position for his own personal gain has been absolutely astounding, rivaled only by the silence of far too many in Congress and in the White House who allowed Mr. Pruitt’s unethical, and, at times, possibly illegal behaviour to go unchecked,” said Democratic Sen. Tom Carper of Delaware, long a vocal critic of Pruitt’s.

——

Follow Associated Press investigative reporter Michael Biesecker at http://twitter.com/mbieseck

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investmart007 · 6 years ago

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WASHINGTON | EPA chief Pruitt resigns after months of scandals

New Post has been published on https://is.gd/Qtng3P

WASHINGTON | EPA chief Pruitt resigns after months of scandals

WASHINGTON —Environmental Protection Agency Administrator Scott Pruitt resigned Thursday amid ethics investigations of outsized security spending, first-class flights and a sweetheart condo lease.

In his resignation letter to Trump, obtained by The Associated Press, Pruitt expressed no regrets.

EPA Deputy Administrator Andrew Wheeler, a former coal industry lobbyist, will take the helm as acting administrator starting Monday.

“I have no doubt that Andy will continue on with our great and lasting EPA agenda,” Trump tweeted Thursday.

Pruitt’s resignation came days after two of his closest advisers spoke to House oversight committee investigators and revealed new, embarrassing details in ethics scandals involving Pruitt.

It was not immediately clear how Pruitt’s resignation might affect those ongoing probes. No longer a federal employee, Pruitt can’t be compelled to speak or otherwise cooperate with the inspector general’s investigation. As a private citizen, he could still be subpoenaed to testify before Congress, but Republican-led committees have thus far shown little appetite in forcing him to do so.

“It has become increasingly challenging for the EPA to carry out its mission with the administrator under investigation,” said Barrasso, who is from Wyoming.

“Mr. Pruitt’s brazen abuse of his position for his own personal gain has been absolutely astounding, rivaled only by the silence of far too many in Congress and in the White House who allowed Mr. Pruitt’s unethical, and, at times, possibly illegal behavior to go unchecked,” said Democratic Sen. Tom Carper of Delaware, long a vocal critic of Pruitt’s.

By ELLEN KNICKMEYER, ZEKE MILLER and MICHAEL BIESECKER, Associated Press

#Donald Trump #Jeff Sessions #John Kelly #Republican #TodayNews #white house

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marilynngmesalo · 6 years ago

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Scandal-plagued EPA Administrator Scott Pruitt resigns

Scandal-plagued EPA Administrator Scott Pruitt resigns https://ift.tt/eA8V8J Scandal-plagued EPA Administrator Scott Pruitt resigns

WASHINGTON — Environmental Protection Agency Administrator Scott Pruitt resigned Thursday amid ethics investigations of outsized security spending, first-class flights and a sweetheart condo lease.

Talking to reporters on Air Force One, Trump continued to praise his scandal-plagued EPA chief, saying there was “no final straw” and he had not asked for Pruitt’s resignation.

…on Monday assume duties as the acting Administrator of the EPA. I have no doubt that Andy will continue on with our great and lasting EPA agenda. We have made tremendous progress and the future of the EPA is very bright!

— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) July 5, 2018

In his resignation letter to Trump, obtained by The Associated Press, Pruitt expressed no regrets.

EPA Deputy Administrator Andrew Wheeler, a former coal industry lobbyist, will take the helm as acting administrator starting Monday.

“I have no doubt that Andy will continue on with our great and lasting EPA agenda,” Trump tweeted Thursday.

Pruitt’s resignation came days after two of his closest advisers spoke to House oversight committee investigators and revealed new, embarrassing details in ethics scandals involving Pruitt.

Pruitt was forced out following a series of revelations involving pricey trips with first-class airline seats and unusual security spending, including a US$43,000 soundproof booth for making private phone calls. He also demanded 24-hour-a-day protection from armed officers, resulting in a swollen 20-member security detail that blew through overtime budgets and racked up expenses of more than $3 million.

“It has become increasingly challenging for the EPA to carry out its mission with the administrator under investigation,” said Barrasso, who is from Wyoming.

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