#we've had him for one day and will level a mountain for his sake you ungrateful snail

[awonderlandsystem]

Eva's Thoughts

To say this has been difficult would be an understatement. A new place, a lack of familiarity, or grounding items. I feel quite lost most days.

Ikelos and I over-apologize for everything and walk on eggshells still. Zoe keeps trying to get our mother's attention but there's a level of awkwardness as her personality is quite different.

We often hear things such as- "I don't think you ever really grew up." "You can be so childish sometimes." "Do you know how to behave like an adult?" And the such. Sometimes it does bother her. The rest of us don't quite know how to respond to it.

I'm quite the opposite and strive quite hard to be seen as an independent and responsible adult. Which is rather hard when Zoe is going through stores riding on shopping buggies as if they're toys.

Thankfully we've all been united on finding a sense of stability for the children. While Zoe and Ikelos don't enjoy being the strict parental figure, they've come to understand the necessity in breaking many of these poor habits the children have developed.

Eventually, I will get Zoe to remember fruits and vegetables at lunch instead of cupcakes and honey buns.

Although no matter how hard we push it seems he's still waiting, ready to kick us down. I hate that I allow him this power over me. I sat arguing with him today, losing my temper rapidly when my sister Brittany had to put a stop to it for the sake of my sanity.

I was so rattled by his words that I threw myself into chores and childcare. Help still can't seem to be found as we've now had two therapists cancel appointments with us without explanation.

I want to scream. I truly do. Scream and cry at the sky until something changes because it truly feels like these mountains we move will not stop reforming to block us. One step forward and two back, the saying that comes to mind. It calls into question if we'll ever truly find a sense of security and comfort.

I'm not throwing in the towel but damnit I've considered it. Then I think of every time I have given up and how little that has done for me. It feels like dredging through high water and losing myself to the waves only to return a moment later to struggle for air.

Will it ever get easier? He seems intent on making this as difficult as possible. He's trying to convince the children I should be in jail. He's trying to buy their love as he has hundreds of dollars and we have nothing.

Yes, I quite want to scream. When I was a child and stuck in the middle of the conflicts between my parents, I would run to the forest. I would run until my legs refused to carry me anymore and then I would simply scream until I was sobbing.

I was a silly girl who believed in magic and gods. I would beg for the help of the Greek Gods, beg them to whisk me away, to change my fate. I would curse at them, blaming them for my woes and accusing them of letting the world down.

These days I don't believe in much. Ikelos believes in reincarnation. Zoe believes in Neverland and the idea of living forever. My dear sister still believes in Heaven and Hell. Amaranth believes in the power of the universe, the Mother Earth, and the Norse mythology. I don't quite know what to put my faith in.

I'm trying quite hard to put all of that belief into us. I need a win. Not a simple pat on the back over an application being finished, or paperwork being faxed.

I need a big win, something that will make me feel like I will have control over this life. Not a negative bank account with hopes that there will be a deposit into in a week. Not his threats and constant intimidation. Not crammed into a small room with three children with a broken fucking bunk bed that I'm unsure how to fix.

I need to feel good about something. I truly do.