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Remember....

Remember the day we me? & all the memories we made along the way? Remember the way we laughed, and cried, and the way you begged and prayed for years I'd change my mind. I did... I changed my mind and decided to give you a chance. & then, you cheated. Remember the way there was no laughs, and you cried. Remember how you tried so hard to imagine how it mad me feel but you couldn’t. I was so torn, I was devastated, and mostly, my heart was destroyed. You were my best friend for 8 years before this. You watched as I cried and begged god for happiness heartbreak, after heartbreak. You spent countless nights telling me how amazing I was, how ever guy who did this to me didn’t deserve me. But the truth was, you also didn’t deserve me. You were just another one of those many guys you called pathetic. I loved you with everything I had, I jumped in head first. Only to find that your honey soaked words that rolled off your ever so sweet tongue were nothing but that, lies. You disguised yourself as everything I swore I needed, when you were everything I swore I'd never touch again. I didn’t know whether to stay, or whether to go. I was terrified, so I stayed. So here I am, writing this out, tears in my eyes, pain in my heart, and with trust I don’t think I’ll ever get back. Willing to try.. You never begged me to stay, you never asked me to forgive you, and you never once made your apology sound genuine. But I stayed, but not without even more pain and trauma. Every time I hear your phone go off, my mind will wander. Every time we’re apart, I'll wonder. Every time you say you love me, I'll doubt. Every time you act distant, I'll think back to the way I felt, on my bathroom floor, curled up trying to drown out the sounds of you banging on my door mixed with the sounds of my own sobs. & every time I think I can trust you, I'll lose a little more hope. So why stay? Because at least I know my end of the love was real, and it’s something I can’t just give up. Maybe I like the pain, maybe I like the hurt, or maybe, I just love you.. Time will tell.. 

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Survivor Part 2

I’ve lived a life of shelter, i’m cautious with my every step because i fear so badly from what has happened to me. But around a year ago I decided to become open about what happened. I decided to stop allowing it to hold me back and stop me from the person that I needed to be in order to move on with my life. In fact it is 9 days from me writing this post to when I announced to everyone on every social media site I was on that I am a survivor of a heinous crime. That what happened to me was not something meant to be left out in the dark. Something to be forgotten. What happened to me is something that needed to be discussed and talked about and openly announced. I spent years of my life letting it control my every move. Letting it hold me back from everything I wanted to accomplish. i felt compeled to live a certain way and a certain lifestyle because of the things I wen tthough. Being sexually abused/assaulted stopped me from SO many things. prevented me from being comfortable with myself, and honest with myself, and honest with myself. I spent months, and years convincing myself that I was at fault for every encounter. Which is NOT the truth. And it took forever for me to realize that. 

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If only..

Theres a part of me that say “you’re perfect, don’t sweat it, you’re beautiful”. Then apart of me that says “seriously? you’re fat, you’re ugly, hit the gym, eat less”. I can’t decide what voice to listen to. Maybe if I was skinny like all the other girls someone would love me, maybe if I wasn’t me, someone would love me.. I don’t know how to fix the way I feel. I need an out, I need a way out. I’m begging for a way out. There isn’t enough in the world to stop these thoughts.  

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Does it hurt?

Does it hurt when you put so much into someone, and they put nothing back? Does it hurt to feel defeated yet again when something doesn’t go your way? Or as planned? Does it hurt when he comes back in, just to walk back out again? The answer to all of the above is yes. Yes, it does hurt, it hurts so fucking bad.. & there is nothing I can do about it.. Do you let him back in every time hoping something good will come of it? Do you let him break you over, and over, and over again, hoping the next time will be different? Do you allow these things to happen? Yes, I do. But that’s love.. Real, true unconditional love.. I never knew love before him, I thought I did, but boy was I wrong.. Boy was I mistaken.. See love isn’t hallmark or lifetime movies. Love isn’t someone who is nice to you, and love sin’t lust.. Love is knowing they’re gonna break your heart and letting tem anyways, because atleast you get to cherish the few good moments.. 

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I never imagined..

I never imagined i’d wake up sick one day and never get better.. My names Hunter, and I suffer from mental illness. It’s not all in my head, it’s not made up, and it’s not like mild sadness or stress. It’s draining, it’s scary, and it’s real. I woke up one day, and I wasn’t the same. On September 25th, 2019, I chased half a liter of vodka with a bottle of pills, and chased that with the rest the bottle of vodka.. It wasn’t preplanned, it wasn’t expected, and it wasn’t something I ever imagined i’d do. I was happy, healthy, and strong. Until I woke up one morning, and I wasn’t. Suddenly life wasn’t worth the fight, suddenly, I was broken. I watched as my family cried in that ICU room, I listened as they feared I wouldn’t make it past my mental illness, and I was there to see their hurt, and I didn’t care because I was so angry I was alive. & i had to relive those moments time and time again as I wanted to end my life for months after that. I was broken down to my core and i was fucking miserable. You guys who feel the need to try and hurt me or hate me know absolutely nothing. Most of you see me as attention seeking, obnoxious, and over conceited. But do you know what it took, the weeks and months of therapy after 2 stays in the psychiatric hospital, the days I didn’t wanna fight, the nights I cried, and the times I regretted not taking more pills? Do you know how hard I have fought to become confident, to put myself out there and to find the beauty in myself and in life? I am diagnosed with 6 psychiatric disorders, I fight everyday to better myself and to continue recovery. I’ll be in recovery for the rest of my life, i’ll learn to manage my mental health until the day I die, praying it doesn’t kill me. I left my career, I gave up on paying my bills, I stopped talking to family, friends, and gave up on the world as I spiraled down. I pray none of you are ever in a position where death feels like the only option, I pray none of you are ever in a position where you have to rebuild your life from nothing, and I pray that before y’all decide to judge me, you take a moment to understand where I have been and where I am now. I am proud of that. I am proud of self love, and self confidence, and the life I have come to know. I am not the person i was, I had to learn how to be a person I didn’t even know. I’m sorry people think I’m rude, or only seek attention, or think I’m better than others. Because those things are not true about me. I simply know my worth, I know my capabilities, and I know how to love myself. I am so so sick of the judgment, and the hate, and the shit talking. Because not a single fucking one of you knows where I have been or what I have been through. I don’t owe a goddamn one of you and explanation and believe me, I certainly don’t want your sympathy. I’m putting this out there to let it be known that the things you guys say about me and the judgments you pass on me, mean nothing to me. If your life is so boring that you have nothing better to do than talk shit, by all means continue. But I will continue to strive and be whoever I want to be, regardless of what you think. Find kindness, love, and happiness. And remember, those things you say to hurt others, could be the last words they hear before they decide life’s no longer something they want. 

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Maybe i’m just drunk...

But I just want you to know what you mean to me.. My heart races when you’re around.. Because when we have sex, I  can’t help but admit to myself that they’re is feelings i’ve never felt before.. Because when I’m drunk, I don’t get sad, I don’t think the way I used to.. Because the cation within you, makes me smile. It’s funny how a month or two can change things.. No matter what happens in the end.. The things you do, like purposely annoy me, or look at me like I hold the entire world when you’re hungry.. You have this thing about you, idk what it is.. But it makes me happy.. I don’t know if anyone has ever told you, but you are one of the few and far between people left in the world.. You hide your feelings but indirectly express them in your over honestly.. I can’t stand the way you look at me and it makes me blush.. I know I wear my heart on my sleeve, and i over take chances, but you look at me like you know it and you have these secret intentions that I can’t read and you know that it drives me nuts.. I don’t know, maybe because I’m drunk, that i’m saying all of this..  But you’re strangely different.. & I love that..  

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An open letter to the man who helped me find myself..

This ones gonna be long, so grab a drink, and get ready. Because i’m gonna take it waaaay back. Back to when I was broken, hurting, and desperate to find love in any form.

I don’t know if you noticed me that way.

I don’t know exactly at first if you looked at me the way I looked at you. You were mysterious. I can read people, like an open book after a few moments. But you? You were hard. Clearly broken. Clearly bent. & clearly not looking to be fixed. But you were so careless, so to speak. So free spirited, free willed, and free hearted. You spoke what was on your mind, you laughed like the world could stop at any given minute, and you let your emotions show clear through your facial expressions. When you smiled, it was obvious whether it was to keep you from falling apart, or whether it was genuine. When you were angry, I could tell. But you never ever let it effect your composure. You always had that sweet little “please don’t break my heart” ring to you. That I’ll give all I have to those around me, but don’t take advantage, sort of respect for everyone. No matter your mood you were always sweet to those who deserved. I loved that about you, your ability to push things aside to be a good person.

The middle pieces.

It wasn’t until i got to know you a little bit that i realized who you really were. You were hard working, an amazing father, and a wonderful friend. You held the weight of the world on your shoulders and never once let it dull your shine. You didn’t know it, but i respected you from the moment i met you. You got caught up in chaos, you got tangled into things you had no control over and started getting beaten down. Day by day, you continued on, it effected you, you tried so hard to pretend it didn’t. So i eased my way in, i asked questions, but never ones to make you think i was in need of information, or trying to involve myself into the situations. I spoke my mind to you, i knew you could handle it well. And then we fell off. Communication cut to a minimum then nothing at all.

The bond.

We started talking again, slowly, letting one another in on the dark parts, the hidden parts, the hard parts, and the insignificant parts. I learned so much about you in what seemed like such a short period of time. I seen you vulnerable, upset, angry, happy, overjoyed, the list could go on and on. I seen parts of you I don’t think you’ve seen yourself, but mostly, I seen you remain you, through it all. You didn’t lose yourself for a second, and I admire that so, so much. That's kind of where it all started.. Kind of where I realized that I wasn’t who I was, but with you, I could be who I was, I could be who was underneath the years of covering it all up. 

The realizations. 

Then, I realized it.. It hit me like ton of bricks. With everyone else I've searched for myself within them. I wanted someone to match my energy, my vibe. I needed someone who craved affection, and needed me the way I needed them. & you did that. You showed me the inside and outside of happiness. You helped me to find the me that I spent years burying, and you brought that girl back to life. Just ike that, my spark returned, just like that, I was the person I was destined to be. I was happy, I wasn’t anxious, I wasn’t scared, and I knew I had what it took to conquer the world. I loved that, I loved that you brought to life who I was with every day that passed, with every moment that continued to go on between us, I found myself becoming me again, every second, of every day. 

The little things.

We kept the little things to our selves. The way you would gently kiss me anytime you had the chance, how you wrapped your arms around me almost every moment you were able. The cute conversations of you getting to know me, me getting to know you. The way you rubbed my back almost knowingly that it calmed my every worry and made me feel so safe and secure within my own skin. I loved it, I loved every moment of the little things. Bu tnothing compares to when you reminded me 100 times a day how beautiful, special, and one of a kind I was. There’s one thing in particular that you did tho, that made me feel so happy inside. You would tell me that I smile with my eyes, I still don’t see it. But when you see it, I can tell. You told me it’s so easy to tell when I’m really smiling because of the carefree look in my eyes. You made me fell things, see things, and believe in myself in a way that no one ever has. You would take the small, insignificant quirks about me, and make me feel like they were actually big things, amazing things, and things worth every ounce of recognition. There’s nothing cuter than your sweet little southern charm reminding me how beautiful I am, saying “yes ma’me” to me, calling me darlin’, holding doors for me, or laughing when I can’t figure out which direction i’m going because I know zero direction, what so ever. 

The memories. 

So even if all I have once you go home for good is all the little memories, even if that’s all i’m left with, I will forver cherish them. I’ll forver remember the first night you kissed me and how scared and nervous you were. How you were terrified of how I would react to it all. You were so slow, and gentle, and you were so fucking nervous. The first time you wrapped your arms around me and kissed my forehead, I swear my heart dropped into my stomach. I swear the world stopped spinning around us. The first time you grabbed me on my patio and told me I was beautiful in the moonlight. The first time you stopped, and made me feel so worth every little thing. I loved it all, every little bit of it. The memories will never, ever be forgotten, and I can confidently say that because you have changed who I am and how I see myself forever. You’ve made hearing my name like something out of my favorite song, you’ve made smiling something I look forward to, you’ve made me feel like no matter what, I’m worth ever ounce of happiness. The memories aren’t just the little things, it’s the big ones to, the times you’d tell me what an amazing woman I am for being so young, the times you’d remind me how far I've come and how amazing it is that I've came that far. 

Who i am because of you. 

Before we formed this crazy, tectonic relationship, I was scared, I was withheld, and I had this wall I spent years building up so high, so scard to be who I really was. I spent so long pretending I was someone I really wasn’t but you made me who I needed to be. You made me see that behind everything I try to be, that who I REALLY am is so much more than enough. You made me see that when I laugh uncontrollably and tearsrun down my cheeks that it’s the most amazing sight in the world. I cannot thank you enough for who you’ve helped me to become. You made me see that even on the bad days, I still got a hold on things. You made me see that even when I’m so stressed anxiety induces false thoughts into my brain, that I am stronger than them. That I have what it takes to beat them and ignore every single one of them. I cannpt thank you enough for helping me to becomes the person I’ve spent years trying to cover up. 

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I don't want to be awake.

I don't want to be asleep.

I don't want to be anything.

I want to just stop.

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I long to be wild and free...

She was born to feel the sand beneath her feet, and the wind in her hair. See when you live with such a free spirit, and wild heart, it is so hard to be caged. It feels like your constantly forced to be this dulled down version of yourself, when you know that isn’t who you really are. It makes relationships of any kind so hard because you’re such a flight risk, to just jump up and go anytime your heart demands it. Truthfully, we’re all a little wild inside, we’re all free spirited to some extent. But the few of us who were born to wander, adventure, and be free forever, are not to be caged, held down, or tied into commitment. Because we often feel the need to run, we feel the need to go wherever the wind takes us. So when we are held down to commitment of jobs, relationships, friendships, prior social commitments, it makes it so saddening when we get the urge to run, when we feel like leaving. It’s like we are trapped into a parallel universe of who we really are. We become this facade, this dulled down version of ourselves for other people to see. We decide to hide away who we really are because the truth is, we are a flight risk. Wild at heart, young at soul, and free spirited. Like the wind blows from Philadelphia to Wichita to Malibu, we want to be wanderlust, we want to go places we have never been, see things we have never seen, and we always long to feel things we have never felt. The irony is we fear the “cage”. We fear being trapped into something we aren’t, tied down into a situation we can’t up and leave from because we are bored. But, we are already caged, we have locked ourselves into this tiny little box of who we’re not as not to upset those around us. As not to be that flight risk with the fear of falling. We have become our own worst fear, and we don’t even realize it. We caged ourselves, because we belong to no one but ourselves. No one else could tame our souls, but we tamed them down. We give no whole parts, full attentions, or pure intentions to any around us. Only small pieces. But those small pieces are merely a fragment of our true selves, but because the strength of our independent spirits we are not burdened by the loss of that part of ourselves, and they are severely impacted by which piece we choose to give to them. We leave our mark on all of those we come across, for me carry this fire around us. This passion for all the small things. We find beauty in broken things, and happiness in momentary things. Each second passing is a different part of life that we long to feel differently, to experience in a new place, with new people, and a new mindset. See, the truth is, those people who are wanderlust, who crave new and free, those people are us, sick, and tired, of being sick, and tired. Decipher that on your own. 

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I wonder if they're ever scared that the next phone call will finally be it, I wonder if they're waiting on it.. Well, Merry Christmas

Fuck

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I just want...

I just want to be the girl that people look at and go ‘Wow.. she’s so skinny now!’

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Today, I choose love..

Today, I choose love. Today, I choose acceptance of the mental illness’s I suffer from. & today, I choose to regain control. It won’t be easy, it won’t be difficult, it will be fucking hard. It will take weeks, months, to be ther person I once knew and loved. It will take strength, efort, and relapses. & it will take every thing I have. But I can, and I will win this fight. I can, and I will be who I want to be. I’ll have days where anxiety takes over, I’ll have days where I’m on the bathroom floor begging God to end it all. But I will also have days were my cup of coffee is perfect, the little old lady in Walmart will make me smile, the sunshine on my face will feel like happiness, and I will have days where I’ve finally fallen in love with being alive again. It won’t come without relapse, for the rest of my life. But I will learn to control and manage, because after all, you never recover from mental illness. You never recover from the thoughts, and the actions of being sick. But you can learn to deal with those days in healthy ways. You can learn to remember that although it’s a hard day or week or month, that better days are coming, and life can and will get better. So for today, I choose love and inspiration and nothing but the strong will to do this. Because 6 months ago, nothing could  break the smile from my face. & I want to be her again.