#we're just floating in a constant state of pain at this point

[koumeowkami]

japanese writers create cute and soft twins and then curse them forever with a series of traumas

[interstellarre]

Delve In The Depths. Chapter II.

Word Count. 1.5k

a/n. Just a quick btw, Meno gave Xiao the nickname "Emerald duck" because emerald ducks have greenish teal stripes on their heads and Xiao has teal undertones in his hair.

Trigger Warnings. Mentions of death and violence

Series Masterlist

Chapter II.

Again and again these waves crash over Xiao's subconscious. Riptides of lost human dreams, the tsunamis of guilt, and the eons of pain build each other up, growing larger as they drown him in endless suffering. Waves of black vapor cloud his person. He clutches his mask

He can hear their screams now as he writhes on the top floor of Wangshu Inn in agony, barely supporting the weight of his body with his arms leaning on the balcony rails.

"Xiao, Xiao!" he turns his head to see Verr Goldet franticly searching for him.

"There's someone downstairs, the-they, Verr Goldet stutters on her words, waving her arms around unlike her usual composed self.

Xiao doesn't wait for to finish, he grabs his pole arm by reflex prepared to strike the threat down.

Instead he's met with a person grappling with pain on the floor.

"Why slime condensate exactly?"

"Hm?" Xiangling gives you a genuinely confused look despite it not exactly being the social norm to add slime liquids to a meal. She was climbing up a sandbearer tree. The striped squirrels on the ground scatter upon her arrival.

"What gave you the idea to add slime into your dishes?" you clarify, trying not to come off as rude. Tossing the wicker basket between your hands as a form of entertainment while your culinary friend ducked her head underneath a branch.

The trees ruffle and flocks of crimson flinches and golden flinches fly off to the sky as Xiangling forages around in the tree branches for bird eggs.

"What gave you the idea that not everything is edible?" she playfully teases, now placing bird eggs by sets of two in the basket she previously gave you in Wanmin Restaurant.

You giggle, covering your hands with your mouth. She motions for you to put the basket down and come over while she grabs you by the shoulders ("Don't you dare-") and hops down. Unfortunately, you aren't heavy enough to support her body weight when she jumps down with her full force.

"Ugh!" you groan as you both tumble down to the floor. You raise a hand to your head and cover your forehead. "Was that really necessary?" you sigh, already far too used to her antics. She snickers.

As you regain your footing, you ask, "How far along are we exactly? My mother will have an aneurysm if we step foot in Moon City.*" Xiangling had already run off, and with the basket no doubt.

You look to your right and find her by the lake counting hydro slimes behind a crack between a few slabs of stone. You crouch down besides her. Her charcoal hair brushes against your mulberry silk skirt.

"1,2,3,4." Yes! this is definitely enough for my new dish!" she pumps her fist in the air.

You don't remember there being a lake to the far right in the places your mother told you to stick to.

"Let me guess," you strike a thinking pose, you want me to set up a new shop here for your new culinary competition?" you sarcastically muse.

She rolls her eyes. "No, silly I-," she stops at your amused expression. "Ah- well go on than."

You reach your arm to summon your now unsheathed dagger attached to the leather belt on your waist, ignoring the long bow and arrows attached on your back and rather choosing a melee weapon,

Standing up from your hiding spot, the group hydro slime flock, well bounce towards you.

The air turns frosty and Xiangling's teeth chatter while she rubs her arms in hopes of warming up. "Don't turn me into a chef popsicle before I get the slime condensate [Name]!"

As you kneel down to slam the stiletto dagger into sand, sharp edged flower patterns appear on the ground. The slimes teeter back at the sound chill between their mass before large icicles spring up, piercing their bodies and turning them into goo.

"Woo!" Xiangling jumps above the rock pile and excitedly cheers. Pumping her arms up. "That's my girl!"

"It was nothing really. What was it you needed next again? Of course after you've collected the slime condensate of course." you stop talking as Xiangling sweeps the slightly frozen slime fluids off the crystals you've created into a glass bottle.

"Well talking about other ingredients, I actually wanted to try something." she mentions with a certain twinkle in her eyes.

"You have my attention." You wave your hand at her to go on.

"You know that cooking competition? The one I had in the Mondstadt with the chef named Brooke?"

"I don't recall you telling me that, can you specify?" racking your brain for memories of Xiangling's rantings about food. You suddenly feel drops of sweat on your back despite not being lukewarm at the very best. It must just be from the excitement from fighting the slimes, you think pushing away your other thoughts on the matter.

"Well anyways, we found this extinct species of boar with the help of the traveler, I believe they're called the honorary knight now?" she taps her chin. "That's besides the point but, anyways, it made me think of the different varieties of possible meat options I could use with different monsters. Can you go with me north of Jueyun Karst with me to find a Stonehide Lawachurl?" She claps her hands together into a begging motion. "Please, Please?"

"Mhm, I'm not sure how fast we can make it there? You didn't hear my question before when I was asking where we were before. I'm planning on packing my bags early when I go home overmorrow." you say counting the possible time it would take you to pack all your belongings. Black spots appear in your vision. You open your mouth to speak, but nothing comes out.

"Hmm, I'd say if we're lucky, a few hours? It's lucky that it's still the early morning huh?" Xiangling turned her attention to you from the mushrooms she was picking underneath the trees.

"[Name]?"

She looks over to see you on your knees, black substance withering out of your body. Sweat drips down your forehead.

She frantically shakes you, but your vision has gone black.

"[Name]!"

The blood on Bosacius' arm dripped to the ground creating a thin string trailing only to be diluted by the pouring rain water behind Bosacius and a certain teal haired adeptus. Bosacius gripped his injured arm with his other.

"You need to treat that wound," Xiao said, glaring at his fellow adeptus' wound. He could see the majority of Bosacius bone creeping out of his flesh. A familiar sight.

"Rest assured, I've been in worse state. I just never expect it to hurt as much as it always does," grimaced Bosacius through his smiling expression. The water soaked through his garments and drenched his hair.

"You sound like one of those mortals, trying to fight through their deathly injuries only not to see the next day," replied Xiao looking forward to their destination of Jueyun Karst. He could see the towering peaks getting larger and larger as they move on despite the misty atmosphere.

"We're all too mortal for our liking these days." said Bosacius, his expression unreadable.

The sound of steps softly crushing the blades of grass underneath them and thunder rumbling filled the air while their owners remained silent.

"Have you told Rex Lapis about the constant pain you've been experiencing?" said Xiao, breaking the silence.

Bosacius bit his bottom lip while his working hands, well, what was left of them tensed up. "No, I didn't see the need to bother him. I'm sure he has other pressing matters to attend to now, especially with the incline in aggression from monsters around Liyue Harbor recently. It's strange," The older man looked up to the sky, while Xiao had a distracted look on his face from thinking about the increased monster attacks. "I have yet to figure out the cause behind it."

"I believe Cloud Retainer and Mountain Shaper are free this evening, I'll ask them for their input on the situation later."

They had arrived at Jueyun Karst, the floating island in the middle of the adepti abode was lit up, symbolizing the availability of Cloud Retainer.

"I'd imagine we don't have the need to place an offering in the middle of the lake huh?" Bosacius winks at Xiao. Xiao looks down at the lake, full of ripple currently from the cloudburst. The empty bowl in the middle overflowed with liquid.

Bosacius gave a forced smile at his correct prediction of their fellow adepti's availability. "Well, I suppose it's best for me to head off and find Indarias to heal my wounds."

"That would be for the best." confirmed Xiao

"Thank you for accompanying me for this trip."

Xiao turned his back and Bosacius was gone

"Hey! Emerald duck!"

Xiao swore he heard the inter layers of hell again as he pinched the bridge of his nose

"Oh archons," he cursed under his breath. Menogias tumbled towards him, no grace or posture in her current childlike state.

*Moon City refers to Mondstadt as Mondstadt translates to Moon City in German.

a/n. Incase anyone was wondering the reader's constellation is "The Maiden" or "Virgo". I'm planning on making a character sheet for the reader soon, so watch out for that!

[urlocalfrogmammy]

i like this boy, and he likes someone else—donald malarkey

inspired by

donald malarkey was the love of your life. but he belonged to someone else. the nights in the pubs of aldbourne become less and less appealing, and skip muck decided enough was enough.

i’m soft as heck for my little ginger baby. warnings: major feels. proceed with caution. word count 1.6k.

the first time you realised you were in love with donald malarkey was in toccoa. when sobel wasn't watching, he'd hauled you over the wall when he could see you were struggling during the obstacle course. his smile had been soft and warm and it made you feel like you were floating on cloud nine. the second time you realised you were in love with donald malarkey was at fort benning. you'd hurt yourself on a practice jump, and the concern in his eyes was genuine as he helped you up, and even offered to carry you when he notice you wince. you failed to mention your legs were like jelly because of him. the third time you realised you were in love with donald malarkey was boxing day 1942. you'd all received your jump wings, and to celebrate the PX tent was full. the party was in full swing, but you found yourself gravitating towards the quiet corners of the room. don insisted you dance, despite your constant reminders you had two left feet. he left you blushing profusely after you'd trodden on his feet one too many times.

you finally admitted you were in love with donald malarkey when you were on your way to england. the feeling of don's hands around your arms, gently steering you forward from behind, made you feel safe. but what really caught you off guard was the way he'd punched that dog company soldier when he'd grasped you tightly and refused to let you go. malarkey gave him one look before hitting him straight in the eye. your stomach was doing cartwheels, and you declared then and there you would never find a man like him. of course, as with most things, there was a catch. donald malarkey belonged to someone else. a broad waiting back in oregon for him. how you were jealous of her. you would spend each night, eyes closed, dreaming of her place being taken by you. dreaming. it would never be more than a dream. you learned to accept that early on, though it pained your heart to think of him writing to her, telling her how he was feeling. you wanted that more than all the money in the world. aldbourne had only complicated matters. the horrible feeling of being surrounded by beautiful women made you feel extremely self conscious of your appearance. admitting there was no use in clinging onto hope, you slowly began to back away from malarkey. there was no use hurting yourself more than you needed to.

you sat in the dimly lit pub alone, enjoying your own company. the bitter beer was hard enough to stomach, but much to the men's horror it was served warm. "hey kiddo, mind if we sit?" it was bill guarnere, followed by toye.

"no, no of course." they both shuffled into the booth and you took a sip of your beer. joe must have seen your pained expression because he laughed to himself. "what?"

"still not used to beer, y/n?"

"never will be." you said it with a half smile. the two men were soon joined by george luz, then perco, then penkala, then skip, then finally donald malarkey. you found yourself a tad bit squashed between bill and george, and you tried to smile through it politely. much to your disappointment, don noticed this and said: "you need some help y/n? you're looking a little squashed there." you smiled in a helpless way and shrugged to motion you had no idea how to get out. "come on fellas, move, let her out." one by one, half the booth stood up until you were free to leave it. you could finally breathe clearly again, without the scent of heavy testosterone fanning your nose. "better?"

"much. thank you." you the addressed the table. "i'm gonna call it a night." all the men frowned and begged you to stay, and insisting you really were tired, they let you go. "i'll walk you back."

"don, you don't have to—"

"i want to, y/n."

"thank you." you smiled softly.

you both walked silently though the streets of aldbourne. watching don look up into the sky, you smiled as he smiled, and he declared that the sky was too cloudy for stars. you looked up too, and he was right. a thick layer of clouds shrouded you from above. two girls in dresses and kitten heels, linked at the arms, were staring at you and whispering to each other. after they giggled, you felt an arm wrap around your shoulder, don whispering: "don't take any notice of them."

"i can't help it."

"they're not a patch on you." you're not a patch on his broad. that's what you had to keep telling yourself, though tonight you would make an exception, allowing his arm around your shoulder. even after the girls had walked past, he didn't slip it away, instead he started to rub it slowly. the barn you all shared came too quickly. you sighed as he stopped, pulling his arm away and smiling at you, hands in pockets. "be safe. i don't think the fellas are in there, and i don't think they'll be back for a while."

"i'll be fine. thank you don."

"you're welcome y/n. don't be a stranger."

you hadn't been to that pub since. two weeks later, you instead opted to have an early night in the barn rather than go drinking with the guys. it would only break your heart, make you want him more, when he wasn't yours to have. the men begged, luz even getting down on his knees at one point, for you to come with them, but time after time you told them no. after all the men had cleared out, you lay down on your cot and sighed. "y/n? please come?" skip had come back to plead with you. turning to face the wall of the barn, you told him no. "oh, y/n. come on! come to the pub."

"i don't want to skip."

"you've not been yourself the past few weeks." skip nudged you. "it might cheer you up." you didn't reply. rolling over to face him, you sighed heavily and sat up.

"what's the matter with you? really y/n, we're all worried about you."

"i like this boy..."

"yeah?"

"and he likes someone else." you thudded back down into the flimsy cot.

"it's not the end of the world—"

"that's easy for you to say. you have sweet faye tanner waiting at home for you, and he has someone waiting back home for him—"

"don and his broad aren't a thing no more." there was a silent minute. your heart was thudding and your hands were shaking. "how did you know?"

"it's obvious. the way you look at don... it's the way all fellas wanna be looked at." you scratched the back of your neck. "does... everyone know?" skip laughed and nodded. "oh god. i'm a mess skip i can't impress anyone in this state." you attempted to run a hand through your hair in order to demonstrate your point.

"give me a comb, huh?" skip said softly, "i'll fix you up real nice."

skip really did fix you up. your hair was down and (due to a lack of rouge) you'd pinched your cheeks as hard as you could to mimic a blush. guarnere smiled this great big grin and nodded with approval. "you don't scrub up so bad, y/n."

"thanks bill." he lazily slung an arm around your shoulders, and offered to buy you a drink. "i don't like the beer."

"then let's drink something else, huh?" three vodka shots in and you were both sloppily dancing around the pub. the men and women taking their dancing seriously didn't approve of you and the philly spinning round at a hundred miles per hour, him giddily lifting you up and swinging you around. after you were both out of breath, you allowed yourself the luxury of settling back onto a seat, panting and smiling madly. donald malarkey sat facing you, and you grinned at him. "you having a nice time, doll?"

"yeah... do you want to..." you motioned to the dance floor.

"sure. anything for the lady."

don knew you weren't a good dancer, but as he watched you spinning wildly, he couldn't help feel a warmth rising in his chest. god you're beautiful. reaching your hands out for him to join you, he grasped them and pulled you into his chest. the benny goodman was soon changed to a vera lynn song. swaying gently together, don leaned down. "you look lovely tonight."

"so do you! not that you... don't look good all the time... i was..." he watched you trailing off, eyes locked with yours. you were giving him the biggest puppy dog eyes he'd ever seen, smiling lazily but contentedly. for a moment, he thought you were about to kiss him, but you leaned your head into his shoulder. he shook his head as skip gave him two thumbs up, penk mouthing go get em.

“y/n?”

“yeah?”

“i’m in love with you.”

the words that left don’s mouth made you feel as though you’d just been given a congressional medal of honour. “i’m in love with you too.” you didn’t give him time to reply, leaning in and pressing your lips against his. the men cheered and whooped, but you barely heard it. the world seemed to have slowed in the most wonderful of ways. as you both pulled apart, don instantly grabbed your hand and made his way out of the pub. the cheering intensified, and you just grinned and waved at them before slipping out the door, feeling like the luckiest girl in the world.

[justbutch]

How & why do you keep going? i'm butch and plain exhausted. Lifelong intolerance and bullying of my being, then my only butch friends all transitioned then this mess in lgbTQ everything, now i get constantly theythem'ed, and dating is shittier to top it off. COVID doesn't help but i just think about offing myself because i dont see a point at all in existing. To me butch lesbianism is a futile deluded joke at this point. We're nothing. Nothing meant to be sustainable. We're a mistake. Nonsense.

Hi there, I’m really sorry that you are feeling so low. Things can be really though sometimes, and like you say, the pandemic sure isn’t helping :/

I know what you mean; it is hard to keep going when it feels like your way of existing seems fundamentally incompatible with people’s worldview. Of course, butch lesbians have never been particularly well accepted in society, but the additional homophobia and marginalization of butch women within “queer” spaces is particularly depressing. And even in somewhat accepting spaces, it can get just plain lonely. It’s not easy to feel so left behind.

As for why & how I keep going, there are actually quite a few reasons:

The main one is: there is more to life than gender. Don’t get me wrong, both my sexuality and the shit I experienced due to being female matter to me, and not being able to talk about this completely openly with people and therefore never being really understood even by people who matter to me is actually quite painful. However, that doesn’t erase the good things in my life. I get to pet cats and float in rivers. I get to spend time with people I like (less so now of course, but this is not forever). I keep my plants alive (or at least I try to). I try to be kind and to make the world a slightly better place. Sometimes, when I feel a bit better, I make art. Sometimes I walk around in the woods until I can’t see any other people anymore. No gender there, just trees and birds and the smell of moss. This is probably something where I have a bit of an advantage from being somewhat older, but I also have some straight normie friends whose opinions on queer stuff tend to range from “of course trans people are valid, but saying that gender identity changes your sex is kinda dumb” over “I just don’t understand any of this weird stuff” to “if she talks about her girldick one more time I’m gonna scream”. They do not relate to my constant ruminations on gender identity or my frustration with queer homophobia, but we can hang out and make pizza, play board games and complain about the general state of the world…and I can even talk about being female without being accused of causing people’s suicide. That helps.

I think there is worth in the butch identity. I know that it’s not the cool thing at the moment, especially of you add “woman” to butch. It’s old-fashioned and not in line with many branches of gender ideology and maybe people do think I’m a joke, but that’s on them. I am female and I am like this and that is okay; I do not need to change anything about myself just to be. I do not need to perform nor curate how other people perceive me. While womanhood exists, it will have to make space to include me. There is both revolution and a certain peace in that thought.

Things will not stay like this forever, so much is certain. Having followed the discourse at least peripherally for quite a while now, things have already changed a lot, rather rapidly, over the last few years and seeing the multiple contradictions in opinions even within queer spaces it’s highly unlikely that we have somehow now reached a stable equilibrium. Of course, this does not necessarily mean that things will change for the better (just look at the last few years), but it’s also not a given that it won’t. Maybe we can contribute to that, but I’m definitely sticking around to see what happens.

As lonely as it can feel sometimes, especially with a lot of my former role models recently coming out as not-really-a-women-and-definitely-not-an-icky-terfy-homo-lesbian, we are not, in fact, the last two butch women around. There might not be many of us, but butch lesbians are still a thing, both younger (often desisted or detransitioned) ones and older ones. There are lesbians not just surviving, but thriving away from mainstream queer spaces. There are people talking about the dysfunctional dynamics. There are people who are trying to rebuild community. There are people who understand, although it can take a lot of effort to find them.

I know how important it is for me to see other butches just…exist, so I want to be this person for other people. If I can show even one baby butch that it is possible and totally okay to be like this, that would be worth it.

None of this is really new. Homophobia has been around for a long time, and so has been the hatred of butches (or masculine female people in general), often even within lesbian spaces (radical feminism e.g. has some fairly nasty history there)…and butch lesbians still existed, whatever they may have called themselves at that time. Yes, the homophobia in the queer community is a particular betrayal and I don’t think I will ever get completely over that particular disappointment, but if hundreds of years of persecution didn’t stop people from being gay, neither will queer theory.

In many ways, it’s not like all the former butch women are truly gone. This doesn’t mean that there is no real loss there, there definitely is: of community, shared language and even shared experiences, because living your life as a trans man or nonbinary person is different from existing as a butch woman. But people don’t just stop being female/afab and homosexual when their identity changes and there is still a lot of overlap in experiences, especially when it comes to transmasc butches, FTM/butch cuspers and many nonbinary/agender lesbians. And while there are currently many people who really hate acknowledging that, there are also people who don’t (especially in private). It sucks that talking about this can be such a minefield and navigating the ever-changing rules regarding approved terminology and ideology can definitely be really stressful, but I still think that it is worth trying to build these bridges. Although I also think it’s also totally okay to draw back when needed for self-protection (I can’t be around surgery talk and every time I hear an enby say something along the lines of “I’m not a woman, I’m a human being” I want to scream).

When nothing else helps, there is always spite & anger. I am not going to let this homophobic bullshit be the end of me. That at least keeps me to going long enough to go back to the forest and smell some trees and stuff.

Hang in there! I really hope things will get easier again soon. But even while things are hard, I think it’s still worth it.