#we're coming up to 5 months next week which is wild

[kathrynmjaneway]

.

[fratboykate]

I'm totally in support of the writers in theory but I'm trying to understand more of what you're fighting for because I've seen some people on twitter claim writers make more money a week than most of us make in a month so I'm trying to understand what the issue is. Also if that info is accurate. This is a genuine question. Not trying to have a "gotcha moment". I really want to hear from a writer.

people have always had wild misconceptions about how much a writer earns because of their lack of understanding of how the industry actually works. there's so many posts about how "you guys make 5k a week. what more do you want?!" yeah...let's do some math on that.

5k a week for 14 weeks (and that's a long room. a lot of rooms these days are 8-10 weeks. those are the dreaded mini-rooms we're trying to kill) is $70,000. for roughly three months of work. you'd think we're cooking with gas...BUT HOLD UP. that's gross! let's see everything that has to come out of that check:

10% to our agent

10% to our manager

5% to our entertainment attorney

5% to our business manager (not everyone has one but a lot of us do. i do, so that's literally 30% immediately off the top of every check)

most of these breakdowns ive seen downplay taxes severely. someone made one that says writers pay 5% in taxes and i would like to ask them "in what universe?". that doesn't even cover state taxes. the way taxes work in the industry is really complicated, but the short of it is most of us have companies for tax reasons so we aren't taxed like people on w2s/1099. if we did we'd be even more fucked. basically every production hires a writer's company instead of the writer as an individual. so they engage our companies for our services and then at the end of the year we (the company) pay taxes as corporations or llcs (depending on what the writer chose to go with). my company is registered as a "corporation" so let's go with those rates. california's corporate rate is 9% and the federal corporate tax rate is 21%. there's other expenses with running a business like fees and other shit so my business managers/accountants/bookkeepers have recommended i save between 35-40% of everything i make for when tax season comes.

you see where the math is at already??? 25-30% in commissions and then 35-40% in taxes. on the lower end you're at THE VERY LEAST looking at 60% of that check gone. 70% worst case scenario. suddenly those $70,000 people claim we make are actually down to $28,000 as the take home pay. and that's if you're only losing 60%. it goes down to $21,000 if it's 70%.

lets pretend you worked a long 14 week room (that's the longest room ive ever worked btw) and let's also be generous and say you only have 60% in expenses so the take home is $28,000. average rent in los angeles is around $2,800-$3,000. if you're paying $2,800 in rent that means you need AT LEAST $4,000 a month to have a semi decent life since you need to also cover groceries, gas, medical expenses, toiletries, phone, internet, utilities, rental and car insurances, car payments, student loan payments, etc etc etc. and again, this is los angeles. everything is more expensive so you're living BARE BONES on 4k. and these are numbers as a single person. im not even taking having children into account. so those $28,000 you take home might cover your life for 6-7 months. 3 of which you're in the room working. the reality is that once that room ends, you might not work in a room again for 6-9-12 months (i have friends whose last jobs were over 18 months ago) and you now only have about 3 months left of savings to hold you over. we have to make that money stretch while we do all the endless free development we do for studios and until we get our next paying job. so...3 months left of enough money to cover your expenses -> possible 9 months of not having a job. this is how writers end up on food stamps or applying to work at target.

this is why we're fighting for better rates and better residuals. residuals were a thing writers used to rely on to get them through the unemployment periods. residual checks have gone down from 20k to $0.03 cents. im not joking.

they've decimated our regular pay and then destroyed residuals. we have nothing left. so don't believe it when they tell you writers are being greedy. writers are simply fighting to be able to make a middle class living. we're not asking them to become poor for our sake. we're asking for raises that amount to 2% of their profit. TWO PERCENT. this is a fight for writing even being a career in five years instead of something you do on the side while you work retail to pay your bills. if you think shows are bad now imagine when your writer has to do it as a hobby because they need a real job to pay their bills and support a family. (which none of us can currently afford to have btw)

support writers. stop being bootlickers for billion dollar corporations. stop caring about fictional people more than you care about the real people that write them. if we don't win this fight it truly is game over. the industry as you know it is gone.

[foggypeacestrawberry]

The 10-Things-Challange

(Sims 3 only)

Hi y'all !,

a few days ago I startet a little "Challange" for myself:

To Create a room in Sims 3, by combining random things I find within the Sims-Community. So I will download the first 10 things that I see on this day, if I like them, or at least don´t dislike them, and put them together with 5 other things that I can choose freely.

The goal is, to create with just 15 objects a room that makes some kind of sense. For example it can represent a certain style, or a theme, or an idea, or even tell a little story, whatever comes to my mind.

Turns out, this is so much FUN!, to put stuff together that I normaly never would consider to combine :-) !

So I don´t know if someone had this idea before already, it happened while I was sorting CC-files, and this element of coincidence was so appealing to me, that I decided to give it a try.

Now I want to show you my first outcoming, and how I decided which objects to choose, or how the objects chose me; and what rules could be useful or not.

First I visited TSR, to see what's new there. The newest entry was:

1) Emporia Livinigroom-Set, from ArtVitalex

So that are 7 objects already - meaning I have to leave this site now (?) .

--> Working on the rules:

Would be much to easy if most ot the 10 objects would come from the same set, but I think 3-4 objects from one set will be OK.

And I wonder if I should leave a source after finding the first "thing", or if its OK to stay on the site, and just go back in the timeline to the next entry of another creator? I guess it depends on how often I will do this challange - 3 times a week, 3 times a month...

BACK TO THE CC -

Then I went to tumblr and chose the first of my sims3-tags that are CC-related, it was #s3ccfinds (some of the first entrys were reblogs from wandering sim).

I skip all CAS-Stuff, just looking for objects to put in a room.

I counted until I had "10 things" = single objects:

2) My Wedding Stories Trees, Set with 5 objects, from @bioniczombie

3) Venyl-Collection, 1 object, from @johziii

4) Tombstones, 2 objects, from @lolabellesims

5) Some Weird Posters, 1 object, from @wanderingsimsfinds

6) Out In The Yard, Set with 4 objects, from @Itssimplythesims

So this time the 10 objects will be from 6 diferent creators.

Plus the 5 "wild objects" I can chose freely.

--> Some more specifics about the rules:

For example them posters from wanderingsim, thats 1 object, but its a huge collection of 33 posters = items. In a case like that, I might use 3-4 different looking items, I treat this object like a set.

The Screenshots I put in a new blogpost.

During this first challenge, I changed some stuff I a bit, that shows in the pics: added windows; changed styles; changed postition of the poster + sofa.

I will lead you through the scenery pic-by-pic, counting the objects up to 15.

[silvertsundere]

Silver Talks AniManga (22/10/23)

next week is gonna have another big catch up, I was actually gonna do it the week after I did jujutsu but then realized next week it'd be the 200 chap for this series so decided to postpone it until then just cause it's a cool big round number, tho today's chap 199 woulda been fitting too since it was the colour page for the serie's 4th anni but anyhoo also starting from now the stuff I talk about will be bolded as seen below, yeah I shoulda done this from the start cause it's way more readable and stuff but the other thing I did made more sense at the time I started it, but this is better overall now

Anime

Hoshikuzu Telepath Ep2

nice epiosde mostly just introducing the 3rd member of our main group, next ep is gonna be aoki shiki's chara so that should be good

Frieren Ep7

very good ep like usual, the demon story in the middle was pretty obvious but it was still good. very excited for the next episode considering the cliffhanger and the title for it, hoping for some more sakuga 🙏

Undead Unluck Ep3

great episode all around, loved hearing my queen yuuki as gina, too bad we won't see much more of her til cour 4 or 5 (depending on how fast adaptation goes) but it'll be worth the wait. also, since I read all of UU from start to just some months ago, in just a couple days I had things very fresh on my mind so I noticed it easily, but it's really crazy to see how early tozuka set up seeds for future payoffs, I won't mention what exactly cause spoilers but there were 3 ones in this episode and it really is great writing and storytelling to be able to pull that off

Pokemon Horizons Ep25

nice and action packed episode, fit for being the end of this initial cour/arc, which we only found out about earlier this week. should be getting a new op along with the new subtitle and stuff but we'll see. we also got some lore like the full team of the ancient adventurer and that the evil organization was related to him in some way. the goal now is to find the rest of the team so that should last for 25 more eps probably but we'll see, there should still be gym stuff along the way and all that

Adult Precure Ep3

nice ep, lots of karen x kurumi moments which this artist I follow on twitter was certainly going hog wild for. saki and mai from splash star showed up at the end of this episode, and next one is gonna be about them, so that's cool since I didn't think they'd show up until the yes 5 girls had all gotten their transformations back

Imas Million Live Ep3

good ep as you'd expect, really enjoyed how much yuriko there was since she's one of my favs from ML (mikku 🙏), next episode is gonna have at least a crumb of rio so looking forward to that too they said the teather will take 2 months to finish building, I hope that it'll be finished after next episode just so we can move on to other stuff. not having this following the structure of the og anime/U149 makes it harder to predict what'll be happening

Manga

Ice-Head Gill Ch17

as expected it's ending soon, and as part of the U19 club as well, hopefully ichinose ends on the same week too, but I'll give more thoughts when it actually ends

Jujutsu Kaisen 239

I was looking forward to see how yuji and co were going to take on juiced up sukuna but we're taking a detour to have kenjaku fight, but with the twist that it's one of the most (unknowingly) op charas fighting him. I really like how goofy his power is so looking forward to this fight. tho I don't think there's any way he'll win

Undead Unluck Ch180

I could see this coming cause of fuuko saying all that earlier in the chap but it's still EXTREMELY POGGIES to have andy back after all this time, even if just temporarily, looking forward to them having a crumb of time together next chap

[kylesvariouslistsandstuff]

New DreamWorks release date confirmation, dropped.

DOG MAN, based on the Dav Pilkey books from director Peter Hastings, will release on January 31, 2025. Merely a few months after THE WILD ROBOT, from director Chris Sanders, opens in the autumn.

I have a feeling that much like DreamWorks' other Pilkey-based feature CAPTAIN UNDERPANTS, this will be outsourced to Mikros or some smaller studio. Late January gives it time to itself, it'll have been more than a month since the LION KING remake prequel opens, and a few weeks before Paramount rolls out THE SMURF MOVIE.

As previously reported, DreamWorks was aiming to release this film, a BAD GUYS sequel, and *another* not-sequel movie next year. Some intern made a muck-up and lead a lot of folks online to believe that SHREK 5 was coming out in 2025 as well, but from what I see... It isn't. I still think that one bows in 2026 at the earliest. DreamWorks had also been developing RONAN BOYLE, a director - Fergal Reilly - had been attached to that one for a long while. I predict that'll be the other 2025 DreamWorks movie that isn't a sequel.

Somehow, some way, DreamWorks will keep trying to get three pictures out a year. This year, they're doing that with ORION AND THE DARK (produced by, none other than, Mikros!), KUNG FU PANDA 4, and THE WILD ROBOT. So, at least one fully-outsourced movie... And they're already planning on partially outsourcing the mainline productions, too.

Elsewhere in Universal animation, Illumination's slate has some sequels (SING 3, SECRET LIFE OF PETS 3) and some not-sequels (BIG TREE, some untitled Pharrell Williams movie), but nothing with a concrete date beyond DESPICABLE ME 4 this summer. Not even anything untitled with a release date next to it. Universal is also supposed to make another LEGO movie, but it's been rather quiet since it was announced that the LOST CITY directors had landed the project. That was back in July, which seems to signal that it's full-steam ahead. This could also debut in 2025 as well, some 11 years after the release of the original, Warner Bros-distributed LEGO MOVIE.

So, what we're looking at...

3/8/2024: KUNG FU PANDA 4 (DreamWorks)

7/3/2024: DESPICABLE ME 4 (Illumination)

9/20/2024: THE WILD ROBOT (DreamWorks)

01/31/2025: DOG MAN (DreamWorks)

08/01/2025: UNTITLED DREAMWORKS

09/26/2025: UNTITLED DREAMWORKS

So yeah, I figure BAD GUYS 2 is probably the summer movie (before all the kids go back to school), RONAN BOYLE the early fall movie.

LEGO 3 could possibly find its way into, like, May/June 2025-ish. Maybe even earlier than that. That's a wide gap between January and August, so I'd imagine an Illumination movie - as per usual - locks the 4th of July frame, or the Christmas frame. Another Mario movie is seemingly a long ways off anyways, probably 2026 at the earliest. Like SHREK 5.

DreamWorks also has a third BOSS BABY in the works, and apparently another CROODS, so those will probably be out within a few years. Other not-sequels are really up in the air at this point. They had announced a handful of projects like WIZARDS OF ONCE, MICE AND MYSTICS, and such... But we've heard little about them since. THE WILD ROBOT, by contrast, was barely known about (at least, as far as I know) until it was officially announced. Like, they were making *that* movie this whole time? Remember how RUBY GILLMAN was almost a total mystery?

But with THE WILD ROBOT and DOG MAN locking dates ahead of time like this, and actually being announced, it shows me that DreamWorks is more confident in their slate going forward. RUBY GILLMAN, for whatever reason, was treated like a small bump in the road. A feature they spoke little about, and released quietly in a summer battlefield. But from TROLLS BAND TOGETHER-onward, all seems rather well.

As always, I look forward to these endeavors.

[ocean-anchored]

Dear future self... November 13, 23

I haven't written an actual update on things in a while now. I've been pretty mentally burnt out, especially emotionally with the whole Zack situation which I'm not going to touch on, so I thought I'd get another recap out. Work. Well things with Ed have still been going really well, we've downsized back down to just us two essentially as a team, things with Jordan didn't work out which is ok because he was tough to deal with and Orlando sometimes is in the background but wants to do his own thing. Ed still appreciates me hugely and encourages me a lot so things are still really great. Hoping our Funding might come through in the next week or two cause we could possibly go to Florida the last week of the month which would be awesome. GSU is kind of at a hold which has taken a lot of work off my plate. I'm in more meetings down which is great, keeps me busy but sometimes I wish I had a bit more work, but the flexibility is amazing, I really can't complain, he takes really good care of me. Things with Danny aren't good. I've been saying now for like 6 months that his company isn't going to last long, which still is true. I don't understand most of his business decisions, he's just so all over the place and brutally annoying and hard to deal with. He makes my life and work very very hard, always changing procedures etc and then micro managing when Chrystal & I have never been an issue in the 5-6 years we've been there. I already knew we shouldn't have gone into the meeting 3 weeks ago because he was in sour mood already, but I bit my tongue that meeting a lot, till he continued to push my buttons and nit pick everything so badly so I decided to comment on how he doesn't follow his own damn processes which resulted in him getting very angry and essentially raising his voice yelling at me and cut me off multiple times for the stupidest thing that also had no relevance because HE changed his stupid procedure 6 months before then. Anyways, I've been dodging him since, I guess we'll see if he ever apologizes, right now its just easy money for me to go in, do my work and leave so whatever. I finally met a new girl friend from Bumble, Sandra, last night for a drink and she's so sweet. I was super intimidated initially because shes's super pretty & would be labeled as one of those super hot fake looking girls which she's SO down to earth. We had so much more in common than I imagined, it was really wild talking about relationships, going to therapy, attachment styles, and what growing up in a narcassistic household was like. I don't think I've personally met anyone that has had a "worse" story than I have, people have always looked at me funny when I say things I dealt with growing up because no one could relate, but she definitely topped mine and it was baffling. She's really strong and knows her worth now which is incredible to see what she came from and who she was. She's really sweet and we had a great time so I'm really happy to be adding her to my circle, hopefully someone I can grow with over the years. It was mine & Ambers 1 year anniversary yesterday, she did remember which was nice as she's in Dominican right now. Man I just can't say enough how much I love that girl though, she's really my little soul mate. It's nice to have some other girls though cause sometimes I feel like she can't really relate to my relationship issues because she's been with Naythan forever, which is amazing but just sometimes hard for me to talk about with her so thats why it was so nice to connect with Sandra. Things are good with Sasha still as well, had a nice dinner out a week ago with her an Shruti & we're going to the grape escape this weekend together which should be fun. I definitely have got some really good girls around me that I'm really thankful for, our relationships are really growing and strengthening and I couldn't be more grateful.

[karatam]

hello. hope you are all good and the family is well. there is less than 5 months til the new year, would you like to share what have been some good things that have occured for you for this year ? i have been obsessing over hzd forbidden west for like the entire month. any plans this weekend or up-coming weekend ?

hello! long time no...type? idk

5 months left in the year.....brb having an existential crisis about that for a moment. some good things that happened this year? hmmm

I got to go on vacation and see family earlier this month (hence part of the reason why I've been so absent from tumblr)

my cousin got a new puppy and he's adorable with little razors for teeth

less of an event, but I've been way more physically active this year than I have been for like a decade and I actually feel way better now (and had to re-buy literally my whole wardrobe, but that's fine). I can actually run 5k every weekend now, which is wild

Tears of the Kingdom really got a hold on me, even though I'm pretty terrible at video games. made me get a new OLED switch to replace my old broken one and gosh it's pretty

I literally bought a new phone like 14 hours ago, which I'm pretty jazzed about, mostly because I will finally have a phone that fits in my pocket for the first time since like 2012

Imogen and Laudna are girlfriends now and I'm still in shock lmao

HFW is such a beautiful game, like I wanna ignore the plot and just gaze at the landscape (it's next on my list to get back to once I'm more done with Zelda)

my friend is visiting town next week so we're gonna go see Barbie, which I'm very excited about (it's been killing me seeing everyone's reactions and not being able to go see it myself yet, bc I'd feel bad if I saw it before my friend)

hope you're having a lovely summer! (or winter, if you're in the southern hemisphere)

[bryan360]

My reactions through my Nintendo E3 2021’s highlight picks

Hey guys! You know me from what been checking on E3 announcement last week. I even did my other posts to mention it of 🐰Mario + Rabbits sequel game and 🏁🏎Forza Horizon 5 as my interests picks.

June. 13th, 2021 - Link Here

June. 14th, 2021 - Link Here #2

Now it's finally time that I can talk through Nintendo E3 2021's announcement of games and content; after reveals back in June 15th that I should've bring this sooner, but due to working on my other tasks that I'm gonna save it til today. Hoping that I had time for free time to explain of what I feel for Nintendo E3 2021 Direct reveal for this month of June; especially which one that I finding most interested so I could added through my wishlist on eShop app. So today, here's my interesting picks for Nintendo E3 reveal this year; whether you agreed or disagree of how it goes when you suggest other was. I know if everyone so close to look forward the Switch Pro reveal, but it seems that it didn't happen anytime soon. Anyways, now get into my picks that I screenshot and edited through last week's Nintendo Direct I've managed.

First top left - ✊😈Kazuya Mishima joining Super Smash Bros Ultimate

First off, I knew that there will be at least one Super Smash Bros DLC Fighter reveal; before saving the last one for coming months this year soon. What's really unexpected to see though is a second Bandai Namco fighter after 👻PAC-MAN, but sadly its not Lloyd that if everyone hoping he would've upgraded from a Mii Costume to a true fighter yet. (Like we ever getting another sword fighter once again. 😒) No, it was actually ✊😈Kazuya Mishima from the Tekken series. My reaction was caught my attention since it started when he carrying Ganondorf to the lava pit and so does other fighters that is really dark. Except for Kirby that thankfully knows how to get away, but still. If I remember his origin through reading wiki site though, at time he used to be good until his father Heihachi sees him as his weakness. Later when Heihachi kills one of the family members that Kazuya been fond of and being thrown by his father in the cliff until he eventually climbs back up when his devil gene activates. Ever since then, Kazuya is now antagonist for the recent Tekken games so far and seeing him to match fight against Smash was an unexpected sight. I remember the time after hearing Masahiro Sakurai's interview where he consider Heihachi to be playable for Smash 4, but pass over due to implement his moveset to be difficult. But here we are seeing for Kazuya instead that it really sure takes time to deliver. After his moveset through his reveal could be challenging to work it out on command. Let's just wait to figure out once Sakurai will finally bring us his next presentation next week, but for now knowing this Tekken fighter joining Smash was a unique idea that Sakurai managed to work it out.

Second top right - 🌟Mario Party Super Stars

How about that when where seeing the next Mario Party game brings us? Despite the recent 2018 Super Mario Party, this will be the twelfth installment to be heading Nintendo Switch this year's 🎃October 2021; this time having 100 remastered minigames like I've seen them before on previous Mario Party games. My reaction was good to see how it continues on, but sure miss that time I remember from my childhood for the original first Mario Party game on the N64 console. So what's get me attention is the recognized boards such as 👑🎂Peach's Birthday Cake makes a comeback! It looks the way that I remember from playing the N64 game when the layouts off frosting goodness and the song to match as well. It was really something when it comes from Nintendo and their past N64 games I have memories fond of. 🙂👍🏼

I give this Nintendo a good move when trying to bring back Mario Party again as a E3 reveal, but maybe just maybe if it will be this good from previous Mario Party games in terms of selling copies. Who knows? *Shrug*

Third middle left - Metroid Dread

However, if you really looking forward a new Nintendo game coming to October 2021 early is a most recognized franchise making a return....meanwhile Metroid Prime 4 is still in development. At least knowing this game can take us time before the fourth prime game can be finished, but man that everyone went crazy after the reveal of Metroid Dread! It the return of 2D Metroid game in action after the success of Samus Return for 3DS back in September 2017. My reaction was surprised and impressive for the looks and feels about this game's tone; especially the haunting part where the robot named "EMMI" (but don't be confused with the word Emmy as an Emmy Award like if would funny. 😅) trying to catch up with Samus and it's game over....😵 I think I could add this into my wishlist and it would be the first time I'll be owning this Metroid game for my Switch system. Fact: Metroid Dread was originally plan as a Nintendo DS title way back in mid 2000s, but sadly being cancelled due to technical limitations.

Fourth middle right - 💣WarioWare Get It Together

I was hoping if Warioware could come back for the lastest Switch system and they finally called. However, this game will take a different approach than doing minigames of yourself, but with your characters do it for you. For this latest Warioware game of picking noses, it'll be having one of the characters such as Wario, Mona, Jimmy T, 9-Volt, and others to do on all minigames with their strengths and skills they can managed. My reaction was pretty good knowing that Nintendo is making this a unique idea than doing a same microgame gameplay style from previous ones, but in a fun way. Cross my fingers if I'll be saving this as a digital download version. Like that time I actually got "Warioware Touched!" for my 2DS/3DS handheld system back in April 2016, but sadly lost it of deletion unfortunately....😧 Link Here #3

Fifth middle bottom - Game & Watch The Legend of Zelda

And finally is something that we're hoping to expect during almost halftime of their E3 direct reveal. Knowing this year is The Legend of Zelda 35th Anniversary, you probably hoping they can bring something to celebrate one of the most recognized series run. While it was shocking to know they won't be having plans to do; even for me that I finding baffling for Nintendo would do this. At least they wanted to make up for it by having to released the HD remastered version of Skyward Sword coming next month and giving us a second look for the upcoming Breath of the Wild sequel until it'll be released next year....eventually. What's my pick though is the Game & Watch version for The Legend of Zelda; the same thing of what it made for Super Mario and during its 35th Anniversary run last year. For this next one will have 3 related Zelda games: 1987 original, Zelda 2: The Adventure of Link, The Legend of Zelda: Link's Awakening, and a special Game and Watch version of Vermin, but playing as Link as he trying to clobbered the octoroks instead of moles. Looks like it'll be a different take from what the Super Mario version have, but hoping it won't be the limited edition once maybe I could get one of those a try. So for my reaction was pretty alright. 🙂👍🏼

Overall:

Man that is the list for my interests picks I gotten, but after watching Nintendo E3 Direct for this year sure worth it at the end. It was very impressive direct despite of absent games not being showed like Bayonette 3 or Metroid Prime 4, but with other announcements such as Metroid Dread and Mario Party Super Stars does give us something for the win.

What did you think about this list of my interesting picks for Nintendo E3, though? Give yourself some likes and reblogs for this post I bring. Anyways, I'm just gonna check on my P-Pal's secret art trade part for me that I should've done it early. Sorry about making this post that I took hours to finished, @murumokirby360

[jbarness]

huh, that's new

a social media au

[5.2: new groceries]

warnings: nothing much really, probably just bad writing

a/n: this is part text and part written btw. this is the first time i wrote this way except for the one i did for my class. sooo i hope it was ~nice~ or something :>. uhhh, yea! i hope you enjoyed! i'll probably do more written chapter parts in the future. lemme know what you think! and taglist is open! ♡

huh that's new - masterlist

"Would you like a bag?"

You raised your head to look at the cashier in disbelief. He just looked at you, shoulders slumped and eyes tired. As if he doesn't even care anymore. 

"Yes. Please." Unbelievable, you thought. The things you bought should be in at least five bags. And he had the audacity-- you know what, nevermind. That's the least of your worries.

Getting home with that much bag in the middle of the day on a Sunday, that's what you should be worrying about. 

You've got no one to help you. Nat and Wanda are still working. Pietro is at his friend's house, doing a new video for next week. Peter's studying for his exams. The guys are out at some store, wherever that is. Your only other friends, sadly, are your employees, who are also working.

You're a strong and independent woman, Y/N! You thought. You don't need help carrying six bags for several blocks! It's not even that heavy.

So, you started walking while you convinced yourself that it's really not heavy. Calling a cab would've been better but you said, Fuck it! I need to exercise anyway. 

About halfway to the diner, you noticed three familiar - and muscular - dudes, and you couldn't help but let out a sigh of relief. When they saw you, they hurried to help you with your bags that you definitely didn't need help with.

"Damn Y/N! Did you buy the whole store?" Sam joked as he took two bags and carried it with both of his arms.

Bucky and Steve approached you next, taking two bags each, leaving you with the shoulder bag that you were carrying the whole day. "You know, Bucky here said that you texted him. He was pretty worried. He told us that we need to find you." Steve mentioned, making you look at Bucky who was on your right. 

He wasn't looking in your direction, as if he didn't hear anything. He didn't notice the small smile that formed on your lips before you looked straight ahead, towards your diner. 

You have to admit, it was sweet. He was concerned. It's always nice to know that someone cares. You've only met Bucky a month ago and he already cares about you. Your heart smiled at the thought as another crossed your mind. 

Do I care about him? 

Well, he is your best friend, self-proclaimed, but still your best friend nevertheless. Comfortable and safe, that's how you feel when you're around him. You've opened up to him easily, which is so not like you. You felt safe enough to get wasted even though it was only you and him. You trust him. You felt your gaze went back to him, and this time he was looking at you too. It's silly that you even thought about this.

Of course, I care about him.

When you arrived at the diner, you ushered the three men to the stairs at the back that lead to your place. It was big, but it was just perfect for the five of you. It had 5 small bedrooms that only fit a queen size bed, a wardrobe, and a small table to put your other stuff on. With Peter sleeping over at the Stark's most of the time and Pietro vlogging and travelling the world, it left you, Nat, and Wanda with a lot of space to move around in. Though this week, your place is back to normal. Pietro's back for like a couple of weeks before he goes travelling again. Meanwhile, Peter's only back for a few days because he claims that he can study better here. 

"You can just put them right there," you pointed towards the kitchen where the large and surprisingly clean kitchen island is. They placed it down carefully and returned to the door. 

"Hey, thanks for helping me. I didn't need it by the way but you three insisted sooo" you said at the now laughing men.

"Of course, Y/N. We're going downstairs, you coming?" Steve offered. You shook your head, "I'll just stay here, it's been a long day. Besides, I should check in on Pete."

They nodded and said their goodbyes. Before you even closed the door, you saw Bucky returning, "you know I'll always help you whatever you do and wherever it is, right?" A small smirk made its way to his lips but it's his eyes that you didn't leave unnoticed. It was shining. And it was beautiful. 

You managed a smile and a nod before he went down the stairs. You closed the door and went to the kitchen island. 

As you start unpacking the things you bought, you can't help but think back to what Steve said. It's not supposed to be a big deal. Friends get concerned by their friends. Nat and Wanda are always concerned for you. Pietro is too concerned for you. Even Steve and Sam are. Why is Bucky's case different?

You thought about it over and over as your hands just continued putting the other things you bought out of the bag. You didn't notice how your lips smiled yet again and  released a "Huh…"

☆

taglist:

@intovert-gone-wild @jbb-bucky0310 @jessicakimba @mariachiii @essenceproxima @cazslaughter @eldahae

[hercleverboy]

Ghost Of You

PROMPT : Ghost Of You By 5 Seconds Of Summer

PAIRING: Bucky Barnes x Reader

WARNINGS: Swearing, Heavy angst.

Here I am waking up, still can't sleep on your side

There's your coffee cup, the lipstick stain fades with time

If I can dream long enough, you'd tell me I'd be just fine

I'll be just fine

3 months, 21 days, and 5 hours.

That’s how long it’d been since the love of Bucky’s life had left. With no explanation at all.

His eyes fluttered open, and heaved a small sigh, his eyes adjusting to the early morning sunlight that poured through the slightly open curtains. He smiled contently, reaching his arm out to his girlfriend, who’d fallen asleep soundly next to him the night before. However, a frown graced his features when he found her side of the bed cold and empty. He heaved himself out of the bedroom, pulling on some sweatpants and rubbing the sleep out of his eyes as he headed downstairs to the kitchen, were his lovely Y/N would be, making his morning coffee as she always did. Though, as his feet padded softly into the marble floored kitchen, he was surprised to find that she wasn’t there. So he called out for her, but received no response. He checked the bathroom and the living room, though those too were empty. And that’s when the panic set in. He rushed back up the staircase, calling out her name, though it seemed to only echo around the walls of their small home. His breathing picked up, beginning to get erratic and he told himself not to panic, that there was a sure excuse for everything. However, that thought was wiped from his mind when he saw the wardrobe doors, wide open, with her side completely empty. Void of her autumn coloured jumpers, and hundreds of pairs of shoes that she insisted she needed no matter how many times Bucky rolled his eyes at her antics. He reached for his phone that sat idly on his bedside table, checking or any messages or missed calls, only to find there were none. He pressed the phone to his ear, having dialed her number, as he rushed around the home, looking for a note she may have left that explained her absence. Though again, he found nothing, and her phone went straight to voicemail. He called another 23 times, though each time nothing changed. After the 23rd call, he sank down against the bathroom door, as the tears fell rapidly from his eyes. She’d left him, she really had. The woman he loved with all he had, the woman that made him feel so human despite the animalistic things he’d been guilty of doing, The woman he’d hoped to marry one day - Gone. And just like that, Bucky’s world fell to pieces around him.

He’d hoped that she’d come back, with a silly excuse for her sudden absence, and everything would be okay. But that didn’t happen. On that particular morning, he woke up from another night of getting a mere few hours of sleep. His nightmares had also returned — she was the only one that kept them away — and he found himself unable to sleep most nights. He sat up against the headboard, pulling his knees to his chest, and placing his head in his hands. He found that he couldn’t seem to cry much anymore, as if he’d cried himself dry. He was careful not to touch her side of the bed. The left hand side, she’d always insisted she liked that side better. He hadn’t touched it once since she’d left, he couldn’t bring himself to. Turning his head, he looked at the cup that sat on her bedside table. The cream coloured mug stained with the burgundy coloured lipstick she often wore, though the stain had faded since he’d last looked at it. Though he didn’t dare touch it. And he supposes that if he could dream, he’d dream of her. How she’d held him after he’d wake up in cold sweat, tears staining his cheeks from another nightmare. How she’d whisper sweet things into his ear, tell him that he would be okay. How he wished she was here to tell him that.

So I drown it out like I always do

Dancing through our house with the ghost of you

And I chase it down, with this shot of truth

Dancing through our house with the ghost of you

Liquor never did much for the winter soldier, the serum from HYDRA had made it so. Bucky could sit and drink shot after shot in an attempt to forget how his heart desperately ached and yearned for the woman he loved. It wouldn’t do jack shit. He’d only end up throwing the bottle at the wall in his angered state, before crumbling to the ground in tears. That’s how Steve had found the poor man, 4 weeks after Y/N had left. Crumbled into a ball on the kitchen floor, surrounded by glass shards, hands shaking and bleeding as he cried out for Y/N, His Y/N.

Steve was his best friend, and had seen him at his worst times, but this was impossibly worse than ever before. Steve, having not seen Bucky for a while had gone over to the couples cozy home, knocking and waiting patiently for an answer. When none came, he turned to leave, assuming they were out, but the sound of glass shattering gained his attention. He knocked again, and busted the door open when he recieved no response. Calling out for Y/N and Bucky, Steve cautiously entered the home, checking all the rooms before heading towards the kitchen. His ears caught onto the sound of shallow breathing and what sounded like crying. He turned the corner into the kitchen, his heart breaking at the sight of his best friend, holding himself as heartbroken sobs left his chapped lips.

“She’s gone, Steve.” He whimpered out, before breaking down into more sobs. Steve was confused, though quickly caught on. He’d noticed that Y/N’s car wasn’t in the driveway, and how the home seemed to be missing the warming glow that she’d brought. Y/N had gone. Had she left? Had she been taken? Steve wanted to ask, but the sight of his sobbing friend took priority at the moment. This was his best friend, sitting absolutely wrecked on his kitchen floor. And with no other idea on what to do, Steve dropped to his knees beside Bucky and hugged him tightly. To which Bucky responded by gripping onto his friend, as he cried into his shoulder. The cracked cries that left his lips broke Steve’s heart, welling tears in his own eyes. Never had he seen Bucky in such a way.

Steve got all of the avengers looking for Y/N, though she’d managed to clear her path pretty well. This only broke Bucky’s heart even more, because it meant that she didn’t want to be found. Though he wouldn’t give up. He needed her like he needed air to breathe. If she’d left because she felt as though she wasn’t good enough, he’d spend every minute he had to making her believe she was more than enough. Whatever he could do for her to come back with him, to go back home. Weeks turned to months, and the search wasn’t turning up any results. So Bucky would sit, in his broken home, as the record player spun the vinyls that she’d loved to listen to. A particular song began to play, one that she’d claimed was ‘their song’, and it only made his heart clench more. He stood up, swaying slightly to the melody as he remembered how they’d danced to this very song. How they’d made 3AM promises that it would be that very song that they danced to during their first dance as husband and wife, that they’d have kids of their own one day.

They laid in their bed, wrapped up in each others embrace. It was 3 in the morning, and they really should’ve been sleeping, but the couple found that conversations at this time of night were the best. Y/N was softly giggling at a joke Bucky had made, as she laid on his chest, her fingertips tracing patterns on his chest as his hands held her hips gently. Her giggles died down, and she sighed contently. Bucky took the time to take in her beautiful features. How her smile brought such a sense of warmth, how the light freckles on her cheeks seemed to shimmer, how her soft skin gleamed in the small stream of moonlight coming from the window. It was at this time of morning, that he let his mind speak, without often processing his words. It meant everything he said was authentic, and meaningful.

“I’m going to marry you one day, Doll.” He whispered, tucking a piece of her hair behind her ear.

She chuckled, quirking a brow. “Are you now?”

He smirked, tightening his grip on her a little as if it would bring her any closer than they already were. “Damn right I am. One day, I’ll ask you, and You’ll be the Mrs Y/N Barnes,”

She chuckled fondly at the idea, looking into his eyes with a look of adoration. “And I’ll say yes in a heartbeat.”

He chuckled at that, “I’d hope you would.”

“And our first dance, it’ll be to our song?” She asked, her voice perking up in question.

“ Of course, doll. And after I make you my wife, we’ll have tons of wild sex and hopefully get a few kids out of it.” He was partially joking, though he knew that he wanted her to be the mother of his children.

“I would gladly have your children. But I get to choose the names, right?” She giggled.

“I wouldn’t have it any other way, darlin’.”

Cleaning up today, found that old Zeppelin shirt

You wore when you ran away, and no one could feel your hurt

We're too young, too dumb, to know things like love

But I know better now, better now

Steve insisted on coming over to the apartment, to help Bucky out with the cleaning jobs that he was too mentally exhausted to complete himself. The search for Y/N had become harder and harder, as every time they came back from a potential lead empty handed, the chances of finding Y/N got slimmer and slimmer. Bucky wasn’t taking care of himself, admist all the worry for Y/N, he’d forgotten to take care of himself. So Steve insisted he’d come over to help.

Steve let himself into the apartment, with a key Bucky had given him months ago. It’d been when Y/N and Bucky as gone away from the weekend, to spend some time together. Y/N had hundreds of house plants that she kept. They were her pride and joy. Whether it was the little cacti that sat by the front door, or the flowers that were budding in a vase on the island in the kitchen. She loved them, and always ensured they had enough water. So when they’d gone away, she asked Steve if he’d keep them healthy for her, giving him a spare key and strict instructions on how to feed each one. Bucky had tried to keep them topped up, knowing that when she came back to him she’d be upset if her plants had died. But over the past month, the only thing that mattered to him was getting her back home. He disregarded anything that didn’t involve the next potential lead, and threw himself into figuring out where she’d gone, and why.

“Hey, Buck. How’re you feeling?” Steve asked, polite as always.

“I think I might have a lead on Y/N. Someone in —“ Bucky started rambling, but was cut off by Steve.

“When was the last time you ate? Or even showered?” Steve was growing angry. He understood how he was struggling to cope, he was grieving. Though Steve hated to watch as bucky tore himself apart, not even looking after himself properly as he was so consumed with finding her.

“I’m fine. I don’t have time for that, I’ve got to— I need to find her.” Bucky’s eyes were pleading, but then again so we’re Steve’s, as he begged for his friend to take care of himself. Steve bent down, beginning to pick up some crumpled cans and crisp packets that littered the room, and had just opened his mouth to encourage Bucky to eat something, when the doorbell sounded.

Bucky gasped, his eyes welling with tears as he made a dash out the bedroom door, with Steve calling after him. Bucky threw open the front door, ready for Y/N to be standing behind it, only to be met with a confused looking delivery man. Bucky’s face dropped, and his hands fell beside him.

“Uh, package for a — Mr Barnes?” The delivery guy mumbled, confused at the tears that welled in Bucky’s eyes. Steve came up behind him, taking the package from him and smiling politely.

“Yes, thanks.” He thanked the delivery man as Bucky shuffled back to his room, all hope of his Y/N returning vanishing from within him.

Steve held the package suspiciously, checking it out before deciding it wasn’t a threat and was safe enough to open. He pulled open the package, ripping the tape from the sides, and out fell a t-shirt with a small white note attached to it. Bucky’s eyes drifted over to the black shirt that Steve held in his hands. His mouth ran dry and his throat tightnened when he recognised it immediately. It was his Led Zepplin shirt that Y/N stole from him repeatedly. It used to annoy Bucky, when he couldn’t find his favourite shirt, but that one morning he’d walked in on it hanging from her frame, he’d decided it looked better on her anyway.

“Buck?” Steve’s voice brought him back from his daze, and he stumbled toward we’re Steve stood. He took the shirt from Steve’s hands, and brung it to his nose, inhaling deeply. And of course, is smelled like her. Her favourite Tropical perfume filled his nostrils, and his eyes clouded with those all too familiar tears. This was the shirt she’d worn when she’d left him. He squeezed the fabric in his fingers, inhaling the scent again as Steve remained silent, his eyes re - reading the little note that had been attached to the shirt. Bucky eventually looked up, his eyes landing on the paper Steve held.

“What does it say, Steve?” He asked quietly, though Steve couldn’t seem to find an appropriate response. Therefore, Bucky snatched the paper from his face fingertips. It was definitely Y/N’s handwriting. Neat and tidy, written perfectly in the blue felt pen she loved so dearly, and beautiful in every sense. He read the simple words over and over, hoping that maybe they’d change if he read them just once more.

“I’m so sorry, Buck.” Steve whispered. Bucky willed himself not to cry, and so sucked in a deep breath, placing the paper on the bedside table and sinking down against the bed frame, holding the shirt to his chest.

A string of simple words that made his broken heart feel shattered.

“I’m not good enough for you.

Let me go.”

After moments of silence, Bucky felt a shuffle beside him, as Steve took a seat on the floor next to him.

“Im so lost without her, Stevie.” He mumbled.

“I know, buddy.” Steve placed a comforting hand on his friends shoulder. “But we’re gonna bring her back. Okay?”

So I drown it out like I always do

Dancing through our house with the ghost of you

Bucky would never forget the day that he was pulled from his bed by rapid knocking on the door. It’d now been 6 months without his beloved Y/N, and the avengers search wasn’t turning up any results, and neither was Bucky’s. He’d groaned, hoping that whoever it was would get the hint and leave if he just ignored them for long enough. However, whoever was knocking was persistent, and so, Bucky dragged his aching body from the bed and trudged towards the door. Pulling it open, he sighed when he saw Steve standing the other side.

“Steve, you were here yesterday. I told you I’m fine, now go—“ Bucky began, but was interrupted by Steve who quickly cut him off.

“We found her.” Steve breathed. If he’d come from the tower, he was breathing heavily from the overall anticipation and adrenaline of it all.

Bucky’s voice chocked up, and his world spun. “I— you — what?” He managed to choke out.

“Y/N. We found her.”

She sighed, breathing in the fresh scent that the air held around her. She sat on the small balcony of her studio apartment, looking out at the bustling city around her. Paris truely was a stunning city, and the French culture was so intriguing to her. She’d always wanted to travel, and use what she’d learnt of the French language to communicate with those around her. She simply adored it. However, no matter how content it made her, that didn’t stop the heavy ache in her chest that weighed her down. Her heart ached for the man that she loved. Though, she had no right to claim she was heartbroken, because she’d done it to herself really. She’d been the one to leave without giving the poor man any indication as to why. And it was impeccably cruel. Thing was, she couldn’t give him what he wanted. She was no where near enough. Numerous times throughout their relationship, Bucky had expressed how he planned for her to be the mother of his children, and god she wanted nothing more, but that was the problem. 2 weeks before she’d left him without a trace, she had booked a doctors appointment. She thought she may have been pregnant, which excited her to no end, but she wanted to have it confirmed before she told Bucky. When the doctor told her she wasn’t pregnant, but instead was unable to conceive, her world collapsed. She didn’t say a word to Bucky. Surely he’d be disappointed in her? Her body wasn’t capable of giving him the one thing it was supposed to be able to do. It hurt her to think of how fondly he’d spoken of having kids and being the father he’d always wanted to be, when she knew she’d never be able to give him what he desired. Her logic was that if she left, he’d move on from her and find himself a woman who could give him the family he wanted. So with tears streaming down her cheeks and sobs catching in her throat, she’d kissed his cheek as he slept peacefully on their bed, and left without a single trace. She covered her tracks to the best of her abilities, because she knew that the Avengers would be all in on trying to find her. She couldn’t let that happen, not if she wanted to give Bucky the chance he deserved. She sighed, gazing out as the sun set, before standing and grabbing her coat from the rack by the door, slipping on her boots, deciding on going on a walk to clear her clouded mind.

Stopping in front of the apartment building, which was down one of the narrow stoned paths of the beautiful city, Bucky couldn’t comprehend what was happening. After months of sleepless nights and crying himself dry of tears, he was finally going to get his girl back and bring her back home where she belonged. No matter what had made her leave, they’d fix it. He wouldn’t live without her, he simply refused to let her go after this. The 6 months of torture without her taught him, if anything, that once he got her back, he would never let her leave his sight again. Steve pushed open the door, and began the climb up the stairs to where Y/N’s studio apartment was on the fourth floor of the building. Bucky followed closely, the nerves building up inside him. Yes, he was going to get his girl back, show her how much he loved her. But what happened if she didn’t want to go back? What happened if she didn’t love him anymore?

Bucky didn’t have time to process the immense speed that his thoughts came at, and was surprised at how quickly they’d reached the door that was hers. Steve banged the side of his shoulder into the front door, which swung wide open due to the lack of security on the door lock. The studio was quite bare, but still had little pieces of Y/N littered everywhere. Her perfume hung in the air, and there were 3 small cacti plants on the kitchen side. Though, Y/N was no where to be seen. They both checked the small apartment, but found nothing.

“She’s not here.” Bucky murmured. “She’s not fucking here!” He yelled, his metal fist curling into a ball and smashing down on the wooden table in the kitchen, making a large hole through its center.

Steve attempted to soothe his friend, though it did little to ease his anger. “Bucky. Calm down. She can’t have gone far—“

“She was supposed to be here!” He screamed, his breathing turning erratic. The silence was deafening, but Steve didn’t dare speak. Only The sound of her boot heels walking along wooden floors broke the silence. Seconds later, a hesitant Y/N walked slowly into the apartment.

Bucky’s head whipped around at the sound of someone entering the apartment, and the breath was knocked from his lungs. There she stood, tears in her eyes and a small smile on her lips. His Y/N.

“Hey there Doll.” He managed to whimper out, the tears causing a lump to form in his throat.

“Hi Bucky.”

And I chase it down, with this shot of truth

That my feet don't dance like they did with you

[pbandjesse]

Today was a pretty good day. There was a big stressful part of the beginning but the majority of the day was very good. There was even a special surprise. And yoga.

I slept super poorly last night. I couldn't fall asleep for forever because I felt sick and nauseous and bad. And then when I did fall asleep I woke up a few times again. Air conditioner turned off in the middle of the night and James rollover next to me and I woke up just horribly uncomfortable. He wouldn't turn the air conditioning back on that because he always takes care of me. And I was able to sleep until about 7.

James was awake and told me I could keep sleeping but I didn't really want to. I wanted to lay there so I just played on my phone for a while. And then I got up. I got cleaned up and dressed and I felt okay.

I hung in my hammock for a little bit and then James told me he made a waffle. And I was like okay. And I was confused because he had asked me what I wanted for breakfast last night and I said I was going to have the avocado scramble thing I made the other day. And then he remembered that after he made the waffle and felt very bad. But it was fine. He made the thing I wanted and he had the waffle for breakfast instead.

I got the best boyfriend.

We hung out for a while and then left to go to the bus. James walked me there. And then bus proceeded not to show up for almost a half an hour. I was very frustrated. Because it was supposed to be there at 9: 30 but it didn't come until almost 9:50. And we had been there since 920. So I was very stressed out and I hate being late!! I texted Tiffany and let her know and I was just very distressed.

I was about 15 minutes late in the end. Sucks. I'm going to try to get an earlier bus tomorrow. So even if it runs late I will hopefully have the same issue. Because seriously we were three blocks away from access art and our bus driver saw someone on the street that he knew and he park the bus and got off to go have a conversation with him. I was losing my mind.

But I got there and everyone was fine. We're just lesson planning so it wasn't like I was missing anything yet but I hate being late. We all kind of bullshitted and talked for a little bit and then the teacher from holistic Life Center came.

He was a really nice guy. He told really funny stories and he was young and covered in tattoos and wearing a Orioles yoga shirt. He mostly talked about mindfulness. A little bit of yoga. And we learned a lot about breathing exercises. I felt very Vindicated and validated about the types of breathing exercises I already do with the kids when they're upset or hurt. But I learned some really interesting ones today. Specifically that I breathe wrong and I'm trying to retrain myself but it's very hard. It was very enjoyable even though I hated sitting in the folding chairs for that long. My feet don't reach the ground and it's uncomfortable.

But we also played a couple mindfulness games at the end of that was cool. Stuff that we can use in the classroom and it's awesome. I'm really glad that we were able to do that.

We had a late lunch. Marcus went down the street and got me a spring roll. Was very good. And I worked on my lesson plan. Almost out. I think I'll probably end up finishing it tomorrow. And then I'll go back in and make sure it's all good. I also think I want to use a couple other visual things for the classroom. And maybe add some tutorial images of some kind. We have tomorrow and Friday to finish lesson plans. And even with my brain breaks where I sketched tattoo ideas I still got a lot done.

While I was taking a break on my lesson plan I was looking at eBay and I got a crazy good deal on a Furby buddy. Something that I've been trying to get for 2 months now there's a little plush versions of the Furbies. I don't absolutely love them but people use them to make the long Furbies. And I'd like to try my hand at that. And I got one for $5. Usually they go for $35 to $40. I am very excited. I think I'm going to use it slightly as part of my example for my quilt making lesson. I'm going to make its belly pattern based off of Victorian crazy quilts. I'm very excited.

At 3 we finished up. We all decided on which weeks we should be teaching our lessons and when. Was decided that my quilt project would go first which makes me slightly nervous but it's probably a good idea. Because it's community building project we're going to kind of have all the kids get out there art things right away before they jump into other projects and I think that will work out nicely.

And then me and fitsum went home. His driving kind of makes me nauseous. Lot of fast speed up and then stopping. But we had a nice conversation about capitalism and its downfalls. And talked about apartments because he's moving as well. We saw a couple meet cars that we pointed out and talked about. It was a good time.

He dropped me off and I made some food. Did a couple packing things. Made a pile of the furniture and getting rid of. And just kind of hung out. Me and James were going to have dinner together but I kind of just wanted to be by myself a little bit. My dad's going to come visit this weekend and he's going to take the bed. So really these are the last couple days I'm ever going to live alone if all goes according to plan. And it feels very strange. I've lived alone for a long time. But I am excited. Nervous but excited.

I was just kind of chilling. Even though it was too humid in here to call it chilling. Playing Animal Crossing and watching videos. And then I decided to go check the mail.

I was excited because I had a package. But then I saw that there was a letter in there as well from the Minneapolis Apartment project. Which means it's from the class action settlement. Which means it's a check. When we won the settlement last year they said that we would get all of our rent back. But of course it was going to go into appeals. So we would probably just get a portion of our rent back. And honestly getting any amount of money from living in those apartments would be fine. But I was so nervous about opening this check. So he opened my package first. And it was socks! very exciting. I was looking forward to those socks. They're black and they have little hearts on them.

But I couldn't put off opening the check any longer. And I did and if I did my math right I thought about nine months worth of rent back. And the checks that this might not be the only check. That I might get more? Like after all the lawyers and fees are paid if there's anything left over there going to send another check. That's wild. And like all of my money stress. The $40 me and James got scammed out of the other day. James his bike breaking. Moving. All of it. This kind of feels like a buffer. We don't have to worry about it now. Least for a while. And I'm making more money and if he gets this job he's going to be at making more money. And even if he doesn't get this job he's going to keep looking until he does get something good. Don't have to be so stressed out and nickel-and-diming ourselves all the time. it's exciting. It feels Like the universe is telling me everything's going to be okay. That means using my white privilege to help make the lives of my neighbors and Minneapolis better is being rewarded. And that sometimes being a good person and trying to help other people does pay off in the end. And sometimes in cash.

I kind of didn't know what to say when I open the check. So I called James and let him know. And then I called my dad. We talked about taxes and he's going to check with the tax lady to make sure that I have put enough aside next year. I don't want to have an issue. But yeah it's exciting. And it was good to hear dad. He sounds a lot better. And he's looking forward to coming on Sunday and I'm looking forward to having him here. We're going to patch holes but hopefully we'll also do something else. Maybe we'll eat some good food and maybe we'll go see something interesting. Unsure of what yet but I'll figure that out.

I called Jess next to let her know. And she was very excited for me. And then I went back to packing. I brought more stuff from the basement. I broke down all of my Furby boxes. I don't know why I'm keeping them but it feels weird to throw them away. So flat in the Middle East to put them in storage. And I use the box that I have been storing them in to put kitchen stuff in. Paper towels and Ziploc bags. That one bottle of alcohol I always have. And then I took a shower. I painted my toenails and I'm just watching videos and enjoying my night.

Back to lesson planning tomorrow. And then I think falafels with James. No matter what it's going to be a good day. I can feel it. Hope you all have a good night tonight. Be kind to each other. Go out of your way for someone else. Don't expect anything in return. Good night

[a-witchs-journal]

Daily Tarot Draw

Six of Swords - hope at last, travel

This card indicates recovery from a difficult time. Hope is on the horizon and things will get better. Rest, revitalize, and surround yourself with joyful friends. Plan a trip, short or long, it will lift your spirits.

From the Wild Unknown tarot.

This one really hit the nail on the head here in so many ways. I'm always surprised when a reading is super spot on, but I shouldn't be because it's happened so many times before.

Additionally, we're moving into our new place next weekend, which will be a fresh new chapter. Our previous living situation was not very good and it stressed us out a lot, so this change will be so good.

Anyway, with dad dying six weeks ago (it feels like it's been six months) it's been hard for me to get out of this dark, hopeless hole it put me in. It's still so fresh and hurts like a bitch, but I've been feeling a little better the last 5 days or so (Thanks lexapro!). And the estate sale is coming up, so we won't have to keep going back to that sad, lonely house soon.

So there really is hope on the horizon and it's not too far away. We already have some st. Patrick's day plans with two of our good friends, so I've got that covered too :)

[laencore]

broken promise

Alex: I'm not proud of you.

I felt a sharp pain in my stomach. To hear that from the person you love most in life, she tore right thru me.

I've been with Alex for 6 years and she's the love of my life but there has been few occasions (5 she's been counting), where I have made her feel insecure, unhappy... I've made her feel like shit. She doesn't trust me. Before I say anymore, let me take you way back where this started.

Alex and I met in high school. It was a new school where I had no friends but two cousins Steph and Miguel. Thank God for them if not high school would of been a really dark place. Miguel and I were the new kids in school oh and a couple hundred since 2006 is where all California decided to more to Texas.

Steph already had been there and had a few friends and one of those friends was Alex. From an outsieders view Alex seems to be one of those girls that liked you if you were convenient, if not she would pay no mind. After getting not know her, I found out that she came from a family with great morals, someone who treats people like she wants to be treated and feel respect. We stayed friends all thru high school. I started noticing her differently after that. I developed felling along the way. Certain thing she would do I became in love with. For example, she's a pusher but in a good way, she pushes people to do their best. She's the type to cheer at a pool table game, even if you made the eight ball when your not suppose to. She's the most confident person, she goes into situation that are new to her with no doubt and if their is fear, i've never seen it. Never in a million year would i think this girl and I would be more than friends. I don't know how she decided to be mine but she is.

I have had this friend since high school, Celia. When Alex and I became boo's, Alex became insterested in knowing Celia. They both became friends and everything was great, if Alex and I were planning to go out or do something, we decided to invite her. Not that she tagged along all the time but everyone was good. The first year of our relationship I didn't know how to express emotions all that well, Alex and I called it quits. It was my first real relationship, even though Alex says it wasn't that serious, I cried like a lil' bitch that night.

Celia being a friend, she would be there. She would be the person i would vent to about everything that was happening. A few weeks passed and on of my cousin's, Miguel, would be turning 22 and decided to celebrate this birthday at this bar called SoHo in the middle of downtown San Antonio. I asked Celia if she wanted to drive together since she was invited too. The truth was, that asked for her to go with me because I knew Alex was going to be there.

Celia and I were one of the first ones there, we waited for everyone to get there. We sat on a table that faced the bar but you were able see the coming in. I saw her walking by, Celia and I both said "Hey Alex!" Nothing, not even a glance at our direction. Celia and I said to each other, "Fuck it, lets just have a good time." And we did. Celia was always there and so was I. She was a little boy crazy. If she was feeling down, I was there to cheer her up because she was there for me.

A few months after that, Miguel was graduating for community college and he wanted our group of friends (which pushed me aside for Alex) to have dinner at Piranha. Celia wasn't invited because her ex-boyfirend was dating a new girl and well Miggs (Miguel) is a no beef type of guy. I was sitting next to Kurk and Ed, which was Celia's ex boyfriend. He started talking about the Air Force since he had enrolled a few years back and hadn't seen him in a while. The door opens and I hear her laugh. I could feel peoples eye looking my way. I grab my drink and i sip my gin and tonic because that's what Colin Firth and Julianne Moore drank in, A Single Man, one of my favorite movies.

Still talking to Ed and Kurk, I'm eavesdropping on Alex's conversation with the group. She just flew in from Tempe, Arizona where she was working as a trainer for a call center for JP Morgan Chase. I looked up and said the first thing that came to mind, "How's the weather over there?"

She relied, "It was good, it's usually pretty cold."

We continue to talk asking each other how we've been... small talk. After everyone was caught up with each others lives and done with eating, Miggs, decides we should all go to Bar Louie to continue the celebration.

Some of us got there before others, Miggs and Johnny and I were the first ones there. They both say to me, "That went well." I reply, "What do you mean?" They continue, "You and Alex." I looked confused "What were we supposed to do, fight with each other, cause a scene? I don't think we're that type of people." Miggs and Johnny get closer "We're just happy everyone is getting along. It's been hard since you and Alex have slit. Sometimes we're not sure if we should invite you or her or both of you guys to things." I get louder. "Is that why I haven't been invited to go out with you asshole!?!" Both of them, "Yes! It's been hard, you guys left us in an uncomfortable spot."

Alex gets there about ten minutes after we did, we all get drinks and it feels less tense. Everyones laughing and telling stories of all the things we've done together. The times we've gone on our mini rode trips, the many wild nights at The House of Scum. The House of Scum was the home of Ed, Johnny and Miggs. They were in their early 20's and i think Ed was 19, you can only imagine what's happened there. No rules and no fucks given, good times.

The more and more Alex and I spoke, I knew I never stop loving her. Her laughter, her smell, the way she looks at you when you got her undivided attention. She makes you feel calm even if your in a bar full of people and a DJ blasting music. I knew she was the one. And that night was the night I was going to confront Alex. I knew I still had feelings for her and I didn't know if she had any feeling for me anymore but I was going to get her alone so we could talk. I leaned in and asked her is we could go somewhere we could talk. "Okay," that's was she said.

We walked out of the bar and she locked arms with me. Thinking to myself, "I might still have a chance." It was too cold to stay outside. We went to the nearest car with was her truck. She put the heater, we talk about how our year had gone, we both did a little bit of traveling which was our new obsession. I've always gone to Mexico to visit family but that year my brother and I had gone to Mexico by ourselves where we didn't know anyone and it was a life changing experience. She had traveled too and she told me she went to New York City and I was instantly jealous. I've always wanting to got to NYC and never did and here she knew how much I wanted to go. I had so many questions for her. After a few minutes I asked, "Why did it take so long to talk to each other?" asking her while rubbing my hand together to keep warm. "We've been busy." her looking outside into the lights of the parking lot. "Sure but we've always been busy and that never stopped us before." She smiled and said, "You talk more." I looked confused and said, "Really, should I shut up now?" With a half laugh she said,"No, I like it." I asked, "Why did we even brake up?" She took a moment and said, "We broke up because you didn't talk about much, I didn't know how you felt about things. If you were happy or if you were upset. I was talking to myself sometimes." "I didn't want to argue of get upset at things that don't feel worth getting mad over. I just rather enjoy our time together when we were together." "You would only talk about how you and Celia went to this place, how you did this or that. If you would get upset you would vent to her. Where was I in all of this? It would never be me." "I guess I never noticed until now." Her, still looking at the lights,"That's why..." "Why did you ever tell me?" "I'm not going to tell you how to do things. You're suppose to make your own choices. Plus, I'm not going to ask you to loose a friend." "That's it though, she's just a friend and good friend. Everyone else took to your side, I didn't even know there was sides and fucking left me. The only person that stayed was her." She looked at me, "I'm sorry, I guess thats my fault. When anyone mentioned you, I didn't want to hear about you." "If you would of told me how you felt things would have gone differently." It was silent.

"Do you remember Miguel's birthday?" she asked. "Of course I do. I said hi and nothing." I look at her with a frown. She continues,"I had all the intention for us to talk but who was there right next to you? Her."

"I never knew you felt that way," while holding her hand

"Well know you know." Her hand were warm like they always been. Mine were like popsicles, cold.

She got a phone call. She say, "I'm going with a co-workers party and Miggs is going with me but i want to see you tonight."

"Okay. What time?" I asked.

"I'm not sure, its a bit of a drive. I'll call you when I'm leaving the party. Stay up?" She asked with smile.

"Alright, I'll see you tonight." I told her.

A few hours passed and I get her text, "Are you up?"

I reply with a simple,"yup". I pull up to her drive way and see her in her car with. I get out of my car and knock at her window and she looked startled. She opens the car door and I whisper to her, "Why are you outside?" She whispers back, "Everyone's asleep and I don't want to wake them" We get into my back seat of the car. The stay up talking and in silence. She leans on my shoulder and says, "I missed you." I tuck her hair behind her ear and touch her face and say, "I missed us."

Since then, we've been together and that's been since 2012

The issue now is that I've betrayed my baby's trust. I've lied or kept where I've been going. While writing this i realized thats been an issue since we've broken up the first time. I've never cheated on Alex nor has that ever been an issue. There's nothing in this world more that I love than my Alex. I've always thought that i would do for her but I've failed. I'm willing to do anything to get her trust back. And it's hard to just tearing someone from your life but its harder for Alex to be torn by the person you love. I'm willing to sacrifice a friendship that hurts the person that I love. And I hope she can forgive me.

I'm sorry, baby. I'm sorry, I stabbed you in the back when you weren't looking. I don't want to make up words and just say sorry because i've said them before. I broken the promise i made to you, i promised to never fail you, to follow you where ever you go. i'm sorry baby.