#we'll see how that pans out. summer will be busy flying time too

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My Year in Review

My actual personal year in review that isn’t autogenerated from a bunch of marketable statistics lol. I’m writing this down and putting it here in a semi-public place because I kind of do want to share it, but I also don’t entirely want to be shouting from the rooftops everything I’ve written. I just feel like I want to put it under a cut and if it’s read, so be it. Don’t feel obligated to read or respond. I usually write things out and find enough catharsis in not posting them, but for a treat, I’ll post it for myself to remember this time.

 I’ve been incredibly hard on myself this year, mainly because I’ve been unable to write properly or “produce” anything at all despite having had the time. I guess it’s all a knock-on effect of having been stuck where I was for so long, with a giant, governmentally inforced TBA on every single aspect of my life for most of that time. I’m slowlyyyyyyy getting better, but I’m so conscious of how “badly“ I’ve been “performing“ when I used to be so “good“ in the past. Beating myself up about it clearly isn’t working, and nor is saying “I’m getting there“. But I will. Anyway, here’s a super quick summary of life this year (the first lockdown-free year), including some of the shite and bitterness, so I can remember that I’ve done a lot, even if it quite honestly feels like I’ve done not one bloody thing.

 January

Started a new job in a career I’d been trying to get into for 10 years. Finally making more than minimum wage for the first time in my life. Battled incredible imposter syndrome the entire time which made an originally part-time job feel exhausting.

February

Finally moved out of Victoria and got caught in inevitable but unavoidable major flooding while trying to find a new home.    

A lot of issues with crooked real estate agents, cleaners, removalists. Lost a lot of money, as is usual, despite having written evidence of everything and being “in the right“. Never been more stressed in my damned life. Engaged lawyers, nearly took people to court until they relented. Still have debts to settle but they’re not worth my health nor time, so I hope cosmic retribution smites them instead.

March

Officially left 10 year relationship and moved back home up north to live with parents, which was another trial in itself.

Condensed all my possessions down, left furniture with old partner. Now it fills their owned (not rented) apartment and sits next to their new MG, which I am still bitter about, sitting in my scratched up, insurance-voided car I lent them. Where was all this financial help from their parents when we were together? Oh, hidden from me while I supported them. Gotcha. Thanks. I suppose that’s what you get for keeping someone alive.

April

Caught up with a lot of life admin, cleaned things up, did my aviation medicals, started basics of learning to ride.

Painted my bedroom with mum (finally painted over all the teenage poetry I’d written on the walls). Built a bookcase shelf and other things with dad and grandfather who I’d kind of been distant with for quite a few years (grandfather, not dad). A little touched to see he had my very first photographs on the wall at his front door (a picture I took when I was 3 years old with dad, on old fashioned film, developed with him and came second in a photography competition).

Tried thc while painting. A stepladder has never, ever felt more dangerous. Didn’t do it again; it was really just for the sake of trying it. Not my thing, not surprised.

May

Flew a vintage bomber plane. Did my first ever real life loop-de-loops, barrel rolls, and Cuban-8s. It was like living a video game. I have never felt such an adrenaline rush. I wasn’t 100% sure I could handle doing aerobatics even though I knew I wanted to do them. Now I’m positive I want to do them. I didn’t control the plane through the manoeuvers but I had my hand on the stick to feel what the PIC was doing.

Investigated some health issues that were attributed to “women’s issues“. Practically verbatim there. How utterly useful.

June

Spent the past three months flying and riding pillion constantly. Got my pilot’s certificate on the day I flew out (on a commercial plane) down to Brisbane and onwards to the UK. Did 40 landings by myself alone in that plane that day, starting at 6am on dawn flights right up until I had to go check in for my flight to Brisbane. Even spoke on the radio to the pilots who flew me down later that evening. Flew over my house that’s nearly dead on the centre line of the runway and wiggled the wings at my     mum who waved back, then flew out over the wharfs and waved to dad. Even flew over my old schools where I used to run around and pretend I was an aeroplane when I was tiny. 25+ years of my personal and family history growing up and developing underneath me where I circled the city watching the Qantas planes landing from above instead of below after all these years. Christ, if I ain’t ever felt more proud of myself than I did     up there all alone in that plane. That wasn’t even my “first“ solo but it     felt so much more special to be flying over my home town (and the commercial pilots watching and congratulating me on the radio upon landing was another thing in itself). You can’t top that. You can’t even come close. How many people have done that? Fuck. Genuinely the proudest day of my life.

July

Went on a trip around the UK, cosplayed at Forever Avon, met lots of new and lovely people including people I’d only ever met online before that point.

Had the month off, which was nice, but no income which made it hard. It simultaneously felt unreal and completely expected to finally be truly out and about after two years of home lockdown back in Melbourne. The few months living at my parents’ home felt like it didn’t really count as true freedom because I was still working, I suppose.

August

Finally signed the lease on somewhere in the UK, met some (now) good friends. Had a lot of trouble and had to borrow money to pay 6 months in advance on the rental because my old real estate agents were crooks and my HR didn’t respond to emails for two weeks.

Felt a little bit stressed out when the money got down to about £10 and I was eeking out a pint of milk to last 3 days in a bucket of melted ice in the sink in 45C weather. Then the month’s pay came in and all was right with the world again.

September

Started flying in the UK, and gliding. Realised I have to start from scratch despite having just completed a certification and having exactly enough hours already to qualify for a license here. Struggled to do lessons because of bad weather. Now I’m very out of practice anyway.

Went to London a few times, saw a play, figured out I’m lactose intolerant. Was a good, if busy, month of travelling and making connections.

October

Idk. Had a bit of an over-it month and kept getting viciously angry with myself. Was so upset, I cancelled going to London to see a play I’d missed the month before because I was sick (Stephen Greif’s, who I paid to see twice and now will never). I take bailing out on things incredibly seriously and very rarely do it, so I felt utterly wretched about it. This is one reason why: an opportunity missed is just a regret, and I don’t like having those.

Analysed everything I’d been going through and actually started thinking about how I handled the past few years. Tried to take it a bit easier. Very tired. Still processing and trying to “fix” myself. No focus, no concentration, whole days went by and it felt like I did nothing of value. Belatedly realised I’ve been trying to push through things for a lot longer than a full year and I haven’t had a proper and true rest. Part of me wonders if such a thing even truly exists.

November

Played harp and sang on some backing tracks for a friend’s album that’s still a WIP.

Lost my job abruptly (not from performance but due to being a contractor). That was a great thing to tell my mother on her 60th     birthday: “happy birthday! I’m jobless and poor on the other side of the world”. Hurt infinitely more to cancel my flying lessons than it did to lose my job. Knew it would take two months to find a new job as everything stops over Christmas. I was right.

Started getting severe tooth pain and found the earliest possible appointment for January (pain is okay now; bruxism. Must have hurt myself, still twinges). 

December

Lots of job interviews, suddenly got taken on to do a rebranding of my old company, the final final edit of my PhD student’s final thesis, and design my friend’s new website for his album release/art collection. Still no job. Those other things don’t pay anywhere near what a real job would.

On the final stages of one job interview with a job that includes having clients… which I’m incredibly apprehensive about because having clients in jobs in the past made me so stressed out, I’m so reluctant to ever do it again. I have another job that I might get to the later stages of that pays at least £18k (seriously) more than the client one, but I’m not at the next stages with it yet, so I’m really worried about being offered one job and holding out for the next and then losing out on both. It’s useless to feel stressed, but I am. That’s just how it is.

Been very tired and wondered if I’m sick. I seem to dream too much to ever get a good night’s sleep anymore. I can now control quite a bit of the dreams but not usually enough to stop having them all together.

Had Christmas dinner with some of my new friends, as well as popped in on someone else and met their son. My landlord baked me cakes and I sanded, revarnished, painted and hanged the farm sign out the front as his Christmas present since he can’t do chocolates or wine, which is always my go-to present. He’s quite poorly atm from various things, so     I hope he comes right. I don’t really celebrate Christmas but it felt     lovely to have been thought of by so many people here, so have been sent cards from near and far. I’m certainly not lonely alone here on the farm; it’s actually been utterly perfect. For the first time in my life, I feel     like I have the perfect personal life balance in terms of living space,     area, number of friends, and social obligations. It’s perfect.

After Christmas, I stopped pushing myself and now I’ve spent a few days playing Skyrim in an attempt to do something for an extended period, to let myself focus for a long time and get back into the swing of one single thing without getting distracted. And it’s WORKING! Hell, I’ve taken a while to write this post, but I’ve not gotten distracted at all. I get so angry at myself because, even up until about ohh maybe November 2020, I’d never had a problem in my whole life with focus, and then it started getting bad. It’s a primary reason I’ve not written a bloody thing all year (and I know what I have in WIP and I do still feel guilty as all hell and it’s getting there! or I’m getting there!, but still). I’ve even found it difficult to read anything, whether it be a fic or a book or a news article. Small tasks have become something I put off for months instead of doing immediately. I bang on about it myself and it’s all well and good to say “one step at a time“, but it really is one step at a time, and now I have room to grow my old habits again, to pick up the way I used to live before I couldn’t live it anymore. So I’ll still be staying offline-ish for a bit, until I feel like I’m ready to reintroduce more of XYZ into my life. Take it easy, take it slow. Pushing clearly doesn’t work.

 So that’s my year in review. I’m healing, I’m processing, I’m letting go, I’m moving on, I’m picking up what I’ve never really put down because I’ve carried it with me the whole time. Thanks for hanging around, if you’ve read this far, and take it easy yourself. Life’s about having fun in the end, not a list of good and bad shit that you can hold up against other people’s years in review. Everyone lives differently. Hell, everyone’s lived wildly different lives just during the past three years, and no one really understands what others have been through even in that time. So Happy New Year. May 2023 bring only good things and you find contentment in yourself.