#we’ll see if I get embarrassed and delete it later LOL but it’s fun to look forward to smthn like this

[reikunrei]

got some little (big) brain worms thinking abt Heroes popping up twice in Stranger Things and how i would not be surprised if it shows up for a third, and probably reading into it a little too much but hey! that’s what this website’s for, babeyyy!

not sure where exactly i’m going with this, but i think i’ll figure it out as i go along. overall, i think the song works very well for the whole show, and many of the lyrics i feel work very well for El’s character, but i’m especially interested in tying it to Mike and Will, too.

i started thinking about this because i remember specifically when it plays in s3, they cut out the lines “And we kissed as though nothing could fall / And the shame, the shame was on the other side” in the final verse, so i wanted to go back and see exactly when that happens, and compare it to when the song shows up in s1, and see if it’s founded to believe that it’ll show up a third time in s5.

obviously, a good deal of the songs in the show are likely for the purpose of nostalgia and fitting the era, but for the big emotional scenes, they have to be considered very closely, I think.

under the cut because uuuuh i don’t know how to be succinct :3 be advised, a lot of this contains endless rambling and tangents bc I wanted to write stuff down as I worked it out in my brain

first!  i want to break down what exactly happens in each of these scenes and my immediate thoughts/interpretations.

Heroes in s1e3:

it starts playing just as the kids roll up on their bikes behind the fire engine to stay hidden from all the cops.

“i will be king” plays as they pull Will’s “body” out of the water and we and everybody else realizes that, yes, this is the Byers kid.

Mike says, “it’s not Will. it can’t be” before/during “though nothing will drive us away.”  in this moment, Mike (and the others) don’t want to believe it’s Will because not even death will drive them apart.

“Oh, we can be heroes” starts when Lucas says that “it’s really Will” and when Mike snaps at El.  she wanted to be the hero, she wanted to help these boys find their friend, she still wants to help them find their friend, she wants to be the hero, but Mike isn’t having it anymore.  he has the understandable knee-jerk reaction of getting angry because he’s so upset thinking he’s lost one of his best friends in the world forever, believing that El deliberately ran them around in a circle (like how he also gets frustrated with her when they go back to the Byers house) because they don’t understand that she’s correct.

Mike is the first one to leave in this scene.  he yells at El, and then picks up his bike and runs off, leaving Lucas, Dustin, and El.

“I can remember / standing by the wall” plays as Jonathan comes up on Joyce running away from their house after the Demogorgon came out of their wall.

“And the guns shot above our heads” plays as Mike gets home, and “And we kissed as though nothing could fall” plays when he reaches out to Karen and weeps into her arms.  this kind of automatically makes me think of all of the boys spending time together, playing dnd, dealing with pretend “guns” and weapons, but reveling in it, having fun, because it’s all just games.  they “kissed” so to speak, they celebrated their fun and their victories, because for them, nothing could go wrong.  except it did this time, and now all of that love is turned painful at this abrupt loss of life and hope.

interestingly, “And the shame, the shame was on the other side” is split between Mike and Karen, and Jonathan and Joyce, both pairs of which are hugging.  maybe Mike is feeling ashamed that he though to trust in Eleven, maybe he’s feeling ashamed that he couldn’t save Will, that maybe he could have saved Will if he had tried to go out on his own rather than humoring this random girl, and he feels guilty for it.  for Joyce, since at this point she doesn’t know that they found Will’s “body” maybe she’s leaving the shame that she’s “crazy” behind.  she saw this thing crawl out of her wall, it’s not just in her head, it’s not just faulty wiring, something is wrong.  and she doesn’t care what anyone thinks, as she later expresses to Jonathan as they leave the morgue, and she insists that she knows she sounds crazy, but she knows she’s right.

before we get into the song in s3, i want to describe the scene leading up to it:

El reading Hopper’s letter to her.

overall he explains that while life hurts sometimes, that means you’re alive.  in the end, you’ll only hurt more if you ignore all of the pain, because that just makes you apathetic. you get “stuck in one place, in a cave, you might say.  A deep dark cave” because once you ignore the hurt, you don’t feel much of anything at all.

he expresses how it hurts to see her growing, changing, becoming distant (which is also what he says during the focus in on Mike as they leave the Byers’ house on their bikes, but hey, let’s not get too distracted here!) and that scares him more than anything else.  because he doesn’t want things to change, even though he knows it’s inevitable.

he then goes on to hammer home that it’s good to keep changing, to keep moving, and nobody should stop her.  she should make mistakes, learn from them, and remember the hurt.

then, the song starts.

Heroes in s3e8:

it begins playing right as El finishes reading Hopper’s letter, and it picks up on the “I will be king” line.  i think the “king” in question is the sentiment he expresses in his letter.

“you will be queen” is sung over El as she assures Joyce that she’s okay.  this feels too literal, but i’m a snotty crying mess after watching the scene again so i can’t really think too much rn, but i do think that El is the “queen” in question.

“Though nothing will drive us away / We can beat them forever and ever.”  even though things might keep dragging them back down, they have to keep beating back those monsters, both literal and metaphorical. they have to beat back the Upside Down, but they also have to beat back their trauma because of it. they have to deal with it rather than ignore it.  they won’t let the apathy take them over. they might yearn for things to go back to the way they were before any of this happened, but what would be the point in that?  it would be the same as being apathetic.

i also love the “we can be heroes just for one day” line in relation to El, specifically because of this idea she has in her head of being a hero vs a monster.  in this context, it almost feels like she’s trying to assure herself that she doesn’t have to be the hero.  she doesn’t have to be this big, powerful, amazing person all the time (like Mike and the others have painted her out to be, despite how that will ultimately hurt her more).  she’s allowed to be a hero “just for one day,” and for no more.

this also makes me think of how so much of s3 was about El overusing her powers, and that scaring Mike because they don’t know what it’ll do to her.  like, they end up relying on El again and again, making her be the hero, always saying how “this’ll be easy because the girl with superpowers is on our side!” when constantly putting her up on this pedestal led to her ultimate crash and burn.  she is allowed to be a hero “just for one day.”

the switch to “we can be us just for one day” is also interesting, because it makes me think of them longing to just be allowed to live again, to be kids.  especially in relation to El and Will.  El has only recently been allowed to live a “normal” life, and Will had his “normal” life ripped away from him, but neither of them will ever get that normalcy back in its entirety, despite their yearning for it.

and then we get to the final verse.  all of this pans across Jonathan closing the moving truck door and Joyce looking back into the house one last time before locking the door.  they’ve endured so much trauma in that house, and in this context (again taken very literally) the lyrics are driving home that the Byers have been through hell, but they will continue to “beat them forever and ever” and power through the change and the hurt along with the other characters.

and the part that got me thinking about this at all: the removal of those two lines.

“And we kissed as though nothing could fall / And the shame, the shame was on the other side.”

right away, those two lines are the most hopeful to me.  "we can be heroes just for one day” always sounds more like a plea to me, it sounds desperate, but “And we kissed as though nothing could fall” just screams that love is the answer, and feeling the hurt makes the joy so much richer.  everything could be going to shit around them, but that “kiss” will save them every single time.

“And the shame, the shame was on the other side.”  they’re allowing themselves to feel all of their feelings without trying to hide any of it.  they’re moving on from trying to keep themselves buttoned up.  moving and changing and growing might be messy, painful, they might make mistakes, but that’s okay.  they don’t have to be ashamed of any change that comes their way.

but neither of these lines appear in s3.  how come?  i know that the decision could purely be because they wanted to trim down on time, but just a few seconds...?  especially when the final verse played all the way through in s1?  who knows how far ahead they were thinking when they made s1, but the Duffers seem to do everything very deliberately, so, at the very least, it was a deliberate choice to remove those 2 lines from s3.

compare and contrast:

in s1, the song plays over the whole party.  in s3, the song mostly plays over El and the Byers, most specifically Joyce and Jonathan. however, Joyce and Jonathan are also present in both s1 and s3.

in both instances, Hopper is a big part of the lead-up into the song.

in both instances, the song comes in on the lyric “I will be king.”

in both instances, there’s an emphasis on acceptance.  in s1, it’s about the boys accepting that their friend is really dead, but also about Joyce finally accepting the severity of the situation she’s in, and accepting that she’s gonna sound crazy even when she’s right. in s3, they’re accepting that they have to move on, that they have to keep growing and changing, and they can’t remain stuck in one place, otherwise they’ll only get hurt, even if the change also hurts.

“oh, we can be heroes just for one day” plays most often over shots of El in both scenes (minus the final shot of each scene, both of which have Joyce (and Jonathan) as the final lyric plays out).

branching off of the above point, i find it interesting that i had different interpretations of the same lyrics between both seasons.  in s1, she (and the boys) wanted to be heroes and save Will.  in s3, it feels very much like El wants to stop being the hero, that they all want things to go back to “normal.” although, you could also argue that she wants to be the hero again, meaning to get her powers back.

while in s3 the shots of Mike don’t take place during the song, he has similar moments in both seasons: we see his pain the most out of the other characters with scenes dedicated to him in the aftermath, and in both cases he goes home to his mom and asks for her comfort.  in contrast, he’s the first to leave in s1 and the last to leave in s3. also in contrast, he’s visibly crying in s1, while he isn’t in s3.

and, the final point that got this whole ramble started: removing “And we kissed as though nothing could fall / And the shame, the shame was on the other side” from s3.

in the context of El:

I’ve already said this a few times, but the “we could be heroes” line always jumps out as distinctly El to me, especially because of her insistence in being the “hero” rather than the “monster.” she wants to be the hero so badly, she wants to save her friends, but it doesn’t come as naturally to her as she wants it to. this isn’t any fault of her own, it’s just how life works, nothing will be as neat as she wants it to be, but it makes her desperate for it.

“We could be heroes just for one day” as I said before has always sounded like a plea to me. whether it be read as “let me just be a hero for one day and nothing more” or “please I want to be a hero so bad” they’re both desperate pleas for something. and I think El is desperate for both.

in the context of Mike:

I didn’t actually start thinking about his relation to this song on his own until I started writing this up, but I think it’s super interesting, and sort of obvious once you realize how prevalent he is in both scenes.

Mike is a big fixture in both scenes.

in s1, he’s the one who gets upset, certain that it’s not Will’s body, and goes home to weep in his mother’s arms as the (false) reality sets in. we see the rest of the kids upset, we see Lucas and Dustin beginning to grieve, but the focus is on Mike.

I feel like it’s also obvious that he, too, wanted to be the hero in s1. he and the others were so certain that the adults didn’t have the whole picture, and they were determined to find Will on their own without help.

in s3, while he’s not a main aspect during the song actually playing, the lead up to it ends up focusing on him a fair amount (hesitating as all of his friends get on their bikes to leave, him being the only one to look back at the house before riding off, him going home and falling into his mother’s arms again. though, notably, he’s not weeping this time, he just looks... empty).

he also did many heroic things in s3, like taking on Billy in the Sauna Test, trying to convince everyone that El should ease up on her powers, always physically protecting her and his other friends.

most notably, though, Mike is the only one we see a further reaction from after the fact.  we get long, dedicated moments to emphasizing his pain at losing someone, and the one consistency in that loss is Will.

this leads me back to the two missing lines, and how they remained in s1 when the only person Mike lost was Will, and how they were removed in s3 when he was losing both Will and El.

two thoughts with this:

1) maybe the lines were removed because, as i said before, those lines feel the most hopeful out of the whole song.  and in s3, because he’s losing his best friend and his girlfriend in the same instant, he’s lost his hope.  matched with the fact that he isn’t crying like he was in s1, he’s falling into that cave of apathy that Hopper warned El about.

2) maybe the lines were removed because, even though the whole season had Mike and El dealing with their romance, she’s not the one he should have been kissing in the end.

b-b-b-b-bonus 3) it’s both at the same time.

and so we finally get to the song in the context of Will and Mike as a duo:

the song as a whole, but especially the final verse, and more especially those two lines, I feel like are extremely closely tied to Mike and Will as a pair because of how the lyrics appear (or don’t) in the show.

a lot of what we saw of Mike in s4 was him being wishy-washy.  he’s unsure of himself, finding himself not as emotionally mature as El and Will, and being stuck in forcing himself not to feel his strong feelings for El (and Will).  obviously, we see this most explicitly with El in s4, with him being afraid to tell her he loves her because he thinks it’ll hurt when she “inevitably” decides she doesn’t need him anymore, but we’ve established that the hurt is good!  he just hasn’t learned that lesson yet!  he’s scared of feeling so much, but that’s coming to bite him in the ass.  not only because it’s greatly unfair to his friends, but also because it’s unfair to himself. it’s stunting him, and he’s unable to keep growing and changing like he’s supposed to because he’s trying to keep things exactly as they were/are.

when we get to his feelings for Will, obviously we have nothing explicitly stated right now.  but we can infer that there is something going on in Mike’s thick skull, and maybe we’ll get something more concrete in s5.  i think it’s safe to say, though, that he feels shame.  he feels shame at not being able to tell El he loves her, and he’s ashamed that he can’t tell Will how he truly feels.  and i think, if he is queer, he will feel ashamed of that, too.

but we all know they (the Duffers) won’t let him wallow in that.

Will also feels shame. he’s terrified of being true and open about his own feelings, always hiding behind El in s4, but we can see that he’s accepted his feelings to some degree. he knows he’s in love with Mike, and he’s accepted it, fear and shame and all. he’s already one step ahead of Mike in terms of emotional maturity in this department, and I think he’ll be the one to get Mike to really open up. Will will be the one to have Mike dissect himself, to look inward and acknowledge all of his strong feelings, and embrace them. Will will show Mike that it’s okay to feel shame, they don’t have to shove it all down and pretend to be “normal.” only when they acknowledge their feelings, including the shame, will they be able to grow as people and as characters.

I feel that it would be a disservice to not have the song show up again, with those two missing lines added back in. I feel like the fact that they decided to put the song in twice is already evidence enough to think it could show up again, but the fact that they cut out those two lines of the last verse feels like we were meant to take it into consideration, and assume that it will appear in s5 again, hopefully now with those two hopeful lines tucked back in to remind us what the core of the show really is.

i believe Will and Mike, while the world is growing darker around them, will “[kiss] as though nothing could fall” and they will leave their shame “on the other side.”  they will express their love for one another, come to accept their growth and their changes, no matter how scary it might be to embrace who they truly are, and they will be unbeatably strong for it.

but alas, I am ready to be proven wrong now that I’ve jinxed it and the song will never show it’s face again :-)

[thecatghost111]

Crossposted from my ao3!

SPOILERS FOR GREEN’S CHANNEL BELOW:

also kinda long lol-

so everyone in the cg now has an evil counterpart/doppleganger/what you call that

green join the club, you finally have one now :D

i should draw this. If I had any form of art skills XD-

i can remember when the fandom joked about Green being the only one not having an evil side lmaoooo

also, I do believe that green screen (my favorite name for that weird corrupted green thing) didn't really intend on attacking the CG. Rewatching it, it seems even more clear. Though arguably, the CG didn't attack green screen until it punched Green. (These goddamn stickfigures and their bond oisfhdjoihsdiofhsdoh)

also uh if I had a nickel for every time a creation was deleted by its creator and happened to make itself into clones and stuff i'll have

*checks list*

two nickels.

i'd have twenty cents if I had a nickel for everytime a stickfigure cloned themself (In LoL with Purple, and later Second)

also the Green youtube channel comments confirm that the sticks do, in fact, call them Orange

(I'm still holding on the hc with Green calling them Sec, but most often everyone calls them Orange, and the hollowheads + Alan call them Second.)

it's so sweet :3 osdhfoidshfiohdsoifhoiwehiofhwofheeiowhfioewhdlscvnjibejbvdf (i'm jealous man)

also i love how the weapons and fighting styles they have still so consistent and matches personality-wise with their characters! kudos to Alan and his team :D

i have so so so so so many moments in here that I can frame on a wall with their bond. it's so cuteeeeeee 🥺

i know for a fact that green screen is gonna make a comeback. i just know it.

they didn’t empty the recycling bin at the end.

Now, the ending.

this is kind of what interests me the most, to be honest. Because I have a personal hc with Green having RSD (Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria)

but this isn’t about my headcanon right now, it’s something a little more.

And something. SOMETHING tells me that the next ep of this series might have either:

1) Green receiving a hate comment, and uh you know shit happens.

2) Green loves the positive validation so much that he pushes himself to get more of that, forgetting the 'fun' part of creating stuff in the process and yeah, shit also happens

that might not be true. it's just me going self-projection time and telling myself how is this guy getting more relatable every day.

When I first found out it was going to be about green, and influencers as a result, I went "Are they going to address the fact that being an influencer comes with a lot of shit involved?" now, i'm not one myself, so I wouldn't know lmaooooo

but like Green, I do crave positive attention, and the ominous lighting at the very end just tells me that something

something is gonna happen regarding that. he likes it, and he wants more of it.

I mean, he's portrayed as the talented one, the one who's kind of a show-off and sometimes a bit arrogant

but then again, all of this was made before his channel technically blew up, so although it might not go in the comment direction he still wants validation and stuff, he wants someone other than his friends to tell him that what he makes is good because he craves it. he craves the attention he's getting.

and maybe he doesn’t want to just do it for fun anymore. Maybe he wants it moreso for the attention.

(oh shit I accidentally inserted myself at the end right there, don't mind me being relatable onto this guy. i might write about this scenario happening idk)

it feels like the start of something bigger. and i like it. we've seen from multiple other shorts how his ego affects him, how would this be any different?

edit: during the avg reaction, DJ said that in terms of youtubers, Green seems pretty wholesome. And Alan replied with: “we’ll see”

HUH- HUH

What are you hiding.

Okay, maybe it might not likely happen and I’ll look super embarrassing and consider deleting this entire post but shhh, we'll save that for future me to deal with

this is just a theory, A GAME THEORY-

shut tf up not everything’s about you

[justaself-shipper]

Marcy x RichGirl!Reader- I Like Me Better

A/N: Request by @Jenny_RHTMT (from Wattpad). An alternate universe where Marcy, Anne and Sasha never went to Amphibia. Warning: This book has bullying and mentions of homophobia and very bad angst.

Marcy looked up at the music box inside the antique shop, then back to the picture of the same box on her phone. Scowling at the picture, she deleted it. “Yeah, right.” She muttered, gloomily walking away from the antique shop. “Stupid book.” “Promise us you’ll text everyday, ok?” Anne said, hugging Marcy one last time. Sasha stood to the side, her arms crossed as she watched Anne and Marcy’s goodbye with a hurt expression. “Of course, Anne. I’ll try my best.” She said, hugging her best friend close. Glancing over to Sasha, she smiled warmly. “C’mere Sash, we need one last photo together.” Anne said, taking out her phone. Walking over, Sasha wrapped her arm around Marcy’s shoulder. “Ok nerds. One last photo shoot!” She said, holding up her own prepared phone. Marcy chuckled. Hearing the beep of her parents horn, her smile faded. They were ready to leave. Pulling her besties in close one last time, she held in her tears. “We’ll try and meet up over the holidays, ok guys?” “Sure Mar-mar.” “Of course dude. Just be careful out there, ok?” “I’ll try my best Anna-banana.” (A few weeks later) Marcy looked up at the tall school building in front of her, gut twisting and turning with anxiety. “Ok…deep breaths Marcy….new school, new possibilities.” She whispered. She jumped when a car horn blared. Looking over her shoulder, she noticed a…very fancy looking car pull up. Stopping in front of the school, Marcy moved into a crowd of students so as not to be seen. The car door opened, revealing a girl with H/L, H/C hair, wearing the same school uniform as Marcy and the other students. The other students stared in wonder and fear. Marcy pursed her lips. “Ooooh boy.” She muttered to herself. “There are rich snobs here…”

Standing in front of her school locker, Marcy stared down in glee at her mobile game, oblivious to her surroundings. All of a sudden, her locker door flew into her face, causing her to stumble for a moment. Giggles erupted from the other side, and Marcy closed her locker properly. A bunch of girls stood on the other side, giggling away as they glanced back at Marcy. One of them was the girl that pulled up in the fancy car that morning. She wasn’t smiling, but she didn’t show any sympathy, either. Not wanting confrontation, Marcy just picked up her backpack, walking away from the still cackling teens on her way to her last two classes that day. (Y/N’s POV) Sienna pointed to the opened locker door in front of us. Mobile game noises sounded from the other side, and the person hadn’t noticed anyone approaching. “Hey, check out this weirdo.” She sneered. Before any of us could react, she swung the locker door full force toward the oblivious person. Hearing a small yelp, everyone started laughing. I just rolled my eyes. As the person closed the locker door, holding her cheek as she glanced toward us, my heart skipped a beat. It was a girl, with short, black hair held back by a green clip, with beautiful hazel eyes. She must be new here. I looked away before she could catch me staring. The girl eventually walked away, hunched over as my friend’s laughter sounded throughout the corridor. Sienna snickered. “Looks like we’ve just found our knew target. What do you say guys?” She smirked. Everyone nodded. I just watched the new girl disappear around the corner. Maybe I can talk to her later?

(End POV) In the cafeteria, Marcy sat by herself. Glancing around at the other tables, she pulled out her lunch, taking a bite as she started to play on her phone once again. “Hey you! What do you think you’re doing?” Marcy looked up. It was the same group of girls as before. The leader glared down at her. “This is our table. Move it.” Marcy stood up, collecting her things quickly. “Right, I’m sorry.” She gushed. She heard one of the other members, the one who didn’t laugh earlier, say something, but she didn’t quite pick up what it was. Was it “It’s not even our seat”? The leader smirked down at her. “Oh no, you’re not going to get away with it.” Without warning, she grabbed Marcy’s bag. “Hey-!” “What’s this?” She cooed, pulling out Marcy’s notebook. “A diary? Wonder what it says~” Tossing the bag to the other girls, Marcy could only watch in horror as the other girls rummaged through her bag and the gang leader went through her notebook. “Oooh! This is juicy! Maybe I should read it out to the rest of the cafeteria~” she grinned. Marcy panicked. “WAIT-NO! Give it back, please!” She begged, reaching over to grab it. One of the other girls noticed, tripping her as she stepped forward. Falling to the ground, tears pricked her eyes as her face turned red from embarrassment. Y/N watched all this go down. She felt anger boiling up inside her as she watched her so called “friends” bully this poor girl for no reason. When Sienna started reading from the diary, gaining attention from the other students in the cafeteria, Y/N finally snapped. “Check it out everyone! The new girl has a diary! And look at this-her sick little mind believes she’s bisex-“

Marcy covered her face, when loud gasps sounded throughout the room. Removing her hands, she realised the H/C-haired girl in the group had her notebook, holding it close to her as the leader stared at her in disbelief. “Y/N, what the heck is wrong with you-“ “No Sienna! What the heck is wrong with you?!” She snapped. The cafeteria went silent, watching the spectacle. Y/N’s face was red with anger as she stood face to face to Sienna. “Picking on an innocent person, going to read her diary, then calling her sick in the head! I’ve had it! The only one sick in the head is you! Picking on someone for what gender they prefer is the most disgusting thing you’ve ever done! Now-“ she pushed the diary back into Sienna’s hands, and pointed to Marcy still lying on the floor. “Say you're sorry, otherwise I’ll have my parents involved.” She growled. Sienna’s face went pale, so Marcy assumed her parents must be bosses of something big. The leader walked over to the now kneeling Marcy, dropping the book on the ground. “Fine. Sorry.” She muttered. Walking back out, Sienna glared at Y/N. “You’ve made an enemy today, Y/N.” She hissed, disappearing out the cafeteria doors with her gang. Everyone went back to their own business. Marcy collected her bag and belongings, clutching her notebook tightly against her chest. “Hey I’m…really sorry about everything.” A voice mumbled. Glancing up, Marcy realised it was Y/N. The H/C held out her hand. Marcy gladly took it, allowing the girl to help her to her feet. “Uhm…th-thanks for standing up for me.” Marcy said, holding the notebook over her face to hide her pink-tinted cheeks. “It was very brave of you, seeing she was your friend and all…” Y/N rubbed the back of her neck. “Y-yeah well, I couldn’t let her pick on you. People like us have to stick up for each other in a world like this.” She chuckled nervously. Marcy smiled behind her book. “Well, I’m Marcy. Marcy Wu.” She said, holding out her hand. Y/N smiled as well, shaking her hand. “Y/N L/N. You wanna have lunch with me?” “Of course!”

Bonus: Marcy: So…why was Sienna so terrified of you when you mentioned your parents? Y/N: Oh! Uh…my dad may or may not be a mafia boss… *starts sweating* Marcy: Ooh…has he killed people? Y/N: MARCY NO-

Fun fact: while writing this, I had another idea in mind! Let me know if I should do the other version! (Still kinda involves bullying, but no homophobia as far as I’d thought lol. Mostly just a snooty reader being mean toward marcy for a certain reason) note: i also was gonna continue with a prom scene and Sienna was being a beach, but i might leave that for a second part if anyone wants it (it's horrible btw)

AND HEY HAVE YA'LL SEEN THE LATEST OWL HOUSE EPISODE?? I'M BROKEN INSIDE, AND VEE IS AN ABSOLUTE SWEETHEART!

I ALSO HADN'T REALISED HOW MUCH GUILT I HAD AS I MADE THIS STORY SO YEAH....SORRY ABOUT THE CAPS GUYS

[alpacaparkaseok]

Where you should be

Chapter 3: Nemesism

Genre: Hobi x oc

Warnings: this series contains stalking, blackmail, and similar stressful/fear inducing situations. Also unrequited love, which is perhaps the most terrifying of all.

Word Count: 3.8k

Guys! Last chapter was a bit of a downer lol. I wish I could say that all of this gets resolved quickly and easily, but that’s no fun. So enjoy!

Nemesism (n.) frustration or anger directed against oneself

The next morning I hardly see Hobi. He eats early, making me a smoothie and leaving it on the counter with my name.

Well, with a sticky note that says ‘Sunny’.

I can hear his music blasting from his room where he’s getting ready, it’s loud enough that he doesn't hear my loud breathing as I close my eyes and try to focus on just getting through this morning.

When it’s time for us to leave Hobi walks out into the living room to find me standing awkwardly before the window, staring out of it like I just might flee the scene before he can see me.

“Do-yun sent a car for you, it should be outside.”

They’re the first words he says to me all morning, and they have me turning around from where I stand before the window, the meaning behind his words enough to rake through my already shredded heart.

“Hobi-”

Just as I begin to speak he turns away, starting to walk from the room. A heartbeat later finds me striding toward him, throwing caution to the wind.

“Jung Hoseok, don’t you dare do this to me. Don’t you dare,” I jump in front of him, putting a stop to his escape. He keeps his eyes trained on the hallway beyond. “You’re going to start being all weird and distant, and I can’t...I can’t-”

My voice breaks a little until I’m suddenly drowning in tears. I’m just as shocked as Hobi is, and I bring my hands up to my face, trying to stop the flow.

“I- Ha-rin, I didn’t mean to-”

My face is burning with embarrassment as I realize that I have no right to be bawling like a baby in front of the man that just confessed his love to me last night. He has every right to be distant and angry, yet here I am sobbing before him.

But I want him.

I want him so bad. And he’s standing less than a foot away, that sad expression swimming in his eyes as he brings me into his arms, his cheek resting atop my head.

Don’t ever let me go.

“We’re a mess, aren’t we?” Hobi mumbles.

I laugh through the tears, melting into his embrace as Hobi laughs along. How can we still be laughing even after we’ve put our hearts through so much pain?

Standing there with my face pressed up against his shoulder, crying and laughing at the same time, the realization of my feelings for him hit me hard and fast. Sure, the foundation has been laid for a while now, but standing here with my heart in pieces and completely unable to pick up Hoseok’s shattered heart, I know what I feel.

There’s a difference between wanting someone and loving someone.

If I just wanted Hoseok, I would have bailed out on any sort of integrity I have left and told him right then and there that I was an idiot. That I couldn’t stand not being around him. That I want to be his, and I want him to be mine.

Yet, I love him.

Which is exactly what has me extracting myself from his arms, apologizing, and heading straight out the door.

I only allow myself to look back once as I close the door, clutching my things in my arms. There he stands, still facing the hallway. Clinging to his sweatshirt in his fists as though it’s the only thing keeping him on the earth.

Sitting in the back of the black SUV, I wonder how I can feel such different emotions at once. There’s peace knowing I did what I had to do.

And there’s loneliness, cursing my name for throwing away what was sure to be a cure.

♟

June 2019

“That sounds great,” I say into the mic. “Come out here and listen to it, then we’ll go from there.”

Soobin, Hueningkai, and Beomgyu exit the recording booth and head into the studio. They crowd around me, leaning in to listen to the latest version of the song.

We’ve been in here for about an hour now, going over a rough version of a new song for them. It’s been nice to have them around, I’m usually pretty alone in my studio. Other than the occasional visit from Dohyeong or Pdogg, I tend to have my space.

Space is...good.

We’ve just started listening to the recording when there’s a knock on my door. Swiveling around in my chair, I grin as I see who the visitor is.

“Well well,” I muse. “Look who decided to drop in.”

Dohyeong smiles back at me, saying hello to the other boys. “How’s it going?”

I shrug. “Good. We’re just working on some stuff. What’s up?”

“I was actually coming to steal you away for a bit. I need a second opinion on something. Unless you’re busy…?”

Glancing at the other boys, they wave me away. “Will it take long?”

“No, not too long.”

Getting up from my seat, I laugh as Hueningkai immediately takes the vacant seat. “Take your time,” he croons, enjoying the seat of power. The other two boys instantly start bickering over the chair, making me roll my eyes endearingly at them.

“I’ll be back soon. Don’t delete anything.”

I follow Dohyeong out the door, taking the stairs as we head up to the next floor where his studio is.

“So how’s it been going?”

Dohyeong is one of the only people I ever really see around the Bighit building these days. Other than TXT and a handful of other producers, it’s a ghost town on my floor of the building.

I guess I never noticed how little traffic there was on my floor before. I always had one visitor popping in.

Ever since February, Hoseok has been scarce. While he didn’t seem to be angry anymore, he certainly hasn’t gone out of his way to seek me out. I can’t say I blame him.

It’s made it a little easier, I think. Not seeing him everywhere I go has allowed me to buckle down and get to work without feeling sorry for myself.

“It’s been good. Pretty steady. What are you working on that you wanted me to look at?”

We’re just entering his studio as I finish my question, and I nearly fall flat on my face as we walk through the door.

It would appear that Dohyeong was not working alone. In fact, the entire rapline is here with Pdogg.

Namjoon paces back and forth on one side of the room, hardly even noticing my presence when I walk through the door. Yoongi sits in a chair beside Pdogg, chatting with him about the track.

Hoseok sits on the sofa in the back of the room, his elbows on his knees as he stares forward, lost in thought.

His hair is black now, so different from those honey-brown highlights I swooned over a few months ago. Now he looks much sharper, like a force to be reckoned with.

He looks dangerous.

“Really Dohyeong?” I try to keep my tone light as everyone in the room turns to look at me. “Second opinion?”

Dohyeong shrugs, moving to sit before his computer. “If I told you I needed your opinion, you would’ve told me to ask Pdogg or something.”

Pdogg chuckles, nodding along knowingly. “Nice to see you, Sunny. You never come around anymore. Too cool for us now?”

It takes every fiber of my being for me to not look at Hoseok.

“Just been busy,” I mumble, coming to stand beside Dohyeong’s chair. “How’ve you been?”

Pdogg shrugs. “Same old same old.”

Namjoon strides forward, never one to get bogged down with awkward small talk. Not when there’s work to be done. “Hey, Sunny. Would you mind listening to this for us? I think we’ve all been listening to it for so long that we can’t get a fresh perspective on it.”

I nod, settling down into the chair beside Dohyeong and slipping a pair of headphones on. “Anything I need to know going into it?”

Yoongi chuckles from behind me, causing me to turn about in my chair. In the process, I can’t help but peek over at Hoseok.

He’s looking right at me already, every bit of his attention honed in on me. My eyes graze his, and the momentary eye contact leaves me sparking with electricity.

“Well, Hoseok wrote most of this, so it’s his fault if it sucks.” Yoongi smirks at his friend, earning himself a glare in return.

I force myself to laugh along with everyone else, wincing internally as Hoseok leans back against the sofa and crosses his ankle over his knee.

Has he somehow become better looking over the past few months?

“Good to know,” I mumble, turning back to the screen. Dohyeong nods at me, starting the track.

From the corner of my eye I can see that everyone else has gone back to pacing or chatting, so I take the time to lean back against my chair and close my eyes, really taking it in.

I can definitely tell that Hoseok inspired a lot of this track, it sounds like him. RM starts it off, his voice gruff as he delivers the lyrics, painting a picture in the way that only he can.

Suga joins in on the chorus, and I frown. His voice is nearly drowned out from the heavy drums in the background. I make a mental note to tell them as much.

It’s not until the bridge that J-hope makes an appearance.

My heart begins to pound in my chest, and my eyes fly open as I stare at the monitor. I watch the small numbers counting down until the end of the song, begging them to pick up the pace. Hoseok’s voice lodges itself into my mind, and for a moment the words end it before it can begin are replaced by the phrase he keeps spitting out again and again.

You moved on before I could move you.

You moved on before I could move you.

You moved on before I had a chance to move-

My knee hits the bottom of the desk as I rip the headphones off my head, tossing them onto the desk before launching out of my chair. Everyone freezes where they sit, looking at me with various levels of confusion.

Hoseok is the only one in the entire room that has yet to react to my sudden actions. He keeps his eyes down, picking at something on his sleeve. His chest doesn’t move as he refuses to breathe.

“Drums are too loud in the chorus, Yoongi.” I bite out the words, ripping my attention away from Hoseok. “They’re drowning out your voice.”

Yoongi nods slowly, his mouth hanging open as he stares at me. “Ok.”

Namjoon steps forward, hands outstretched as though trying to grasp the situation. “You didn’t even finish the song, though. Isn’t there anything else?”

I’ve already taken several steps toward the door, Hoseok’s voice ringing through my mind unceasingly. Turning to shake my head at Namjoon, I feel as though somebody set me on fire. “No. Sounds great. Sorry,” I lie, I really couldn’t care less. I have to get out of here. “I’ve got to go check on the boys.”

The door gives way and I’m out into the hallway, striding toward the elevator like my life depends on it. I decide against it once I get there, heading into the stairwell beside the elevator and making it down a total of five steps before I collapse and sit with my head between my legs.

You moved on before I could move you.

The walls are caving in on me as I sit in the stairwell, and I close my eyes tight against them. Eventually it becomes too much to handle, and I find myself launching up and climbing up the stairs.

I’m not completely sure how tall the Bighit building is, but it’s definitely tall enough that I’m a panting, sweaty mess by the time I clear the final floor. Staring at the door, I push through it and find myself in an empty hallway.

The sound of music coming from what I assume are training rooms at the end of the hallway meet my ears, and as though in a trance I gravitate toward the sound.

The music gets louder and louder as I approach the room. The door is closed, so whoever is inside must be blasting it. Leaning up against the wall just outside the room, I close my eyes for just a moment.

The bass vibrates through the floor, accompanied by the persistent music that seems to know just how horrible I’m feeling inside.

For the first time in my life, I understand why people say that there’s only a thin line between love and hate.

Standing here with my back pressed against the wall, I feel so much hate. It’s overwhelming, overtaking my senses as I clench my fingers into fists. If my eyes were open, I’m sure I would be seeing red.

Instead, I’m picturing my contract in my mind. The music swells as I picture signing that contract over and over again, laughing at the thought of ever getting to know any idols past a purely professional level.

There’s so much anger in me as I think over the past few months, remembering all those hours spent alone in the studio. Staring at my monitor, the same scene from Hoseok’s apartment playing over and over again in my mind as I try to pretend like nothing happened. The way I held my breath every time I heard footsteps coming down my hallway, some pathetic piece of my praying that it would be Hobi, coming with a bag of food and a sheepish smile, telling me that being friends was enough for him.

I should know better by now; I live in a world where Hoseok is a stranger to me now and I’m back to taking the bus.

Still, in those slower hours in the studio I find myself wondering what it would be like if I could tell him that I do love him. I love him still, four months later. That all of this was some horrible rule I had to follow in order to save us both.

But even in this world how could I look him in the eyes that once gazed at me so softly and tell him that he’ll move on? That he’ll find someone that is free to love him?

Hate is an addicting feeling, I realize. Hate is so much safer than love. Love requires you to make the right decision, even if it means you’ll come out lacking.

The music stopped.

My eyes open to find myself almost in another world. The hallway hasn’t changed at all, but the absence of the booming music almost makes it easier to breathe. Suddenly I’m no longer drowning in my feelings, but rather observing them.

The sound of someone nearly hyperventilating has me pushing off the wall, rushing over to the closed training room and throwing it open before another thought can cross my mind.

Even though the door flying open should have alerted the occupant to my presence, they don’t notice me as I stand in the doorway.

Hoseok sits with his back against the far wall, his knees pulled up to his chest as he runs his hands through his hair and over his face. He’s still wearing the same clothes as he was less than fifteen minutes ago in the studio downstairs, but it’s clear he was just working out in them. Most likely dancing, if I’m going to make a guess.

How did he get up here so fast?

Frozen in the doorway, I go over my options. They’re quite simple, seeing as there’s really only two.

First, turn and leave. Run away before he sees me. It’s tempting, especially because it already looks like I’m invading his privacy.

And second.... “The song wasn’t that bad.”

Hoseok’s head shoots up so fast that I’m afraid he hit it against the wall. His eyes are wide and he looks quite frankly exhausted. I wince at the look he gives me.

“What...” his voice is raw and I wonder how it got like that. He shakes his head, looking down at the floor.

I take one step forward, then one step back. Hoseok’s eyes shutter as he watches my uncertainty, but he makes no move to say anything else.

So tired.

He looks so drained. Like someone took a giant spoon and ladled out all of his leftover emotions, leaving him a drained well that is just waiting for another rain.

Suddenly the thought of me hiding in my studio and replaying this entire awkward experience in my head seems more horrible to me than talking to Hoseok, so I take another step inside the room. His eyes never leave the floor.

“Is everything...” I shake my head, trying to gain some courage. Did my heart always beat this hard around him before? “Is everything alright?”

Hoseok chews on the inside of his cheek as he ponders my stupid question. Then, almost as if changing clothes, his expression changes. Brightens, almost.

I can still see the dark storm clouds hovering over his head, though. No matter how brightly he smiles at me now, those rain clouds aren’t far behind.

“Fine.” He brushes his hair away from his face, reverting back to the meticulous Hoseok I know. “Did you see...?”

I frantically shake my head, earning a look of profound relief on Hoseok’s part. “No! No, I was just-” I pause, not entirely sure of what to say. Running from my undying love for you and the hate of what we’ve become doesn’t seem very appropriate.

Hoseok raises his brows, rising to his feet but remaining on the opposite side of the room. “Just what?”

“Just...going for a walk.”

“A walk?”

“Yep.”

I cringe as Hoseok takes a long look at me before turning away and heading toward the speaker system in the corner. “Do you have a tendency to take walks to the top floor?”

Is that worry I’m sensing? I realize with a start that perhaps Hoseok spends a lot of time up here, and I think that the lack of visitors on this floor might have something to do with that.

“...no.” Watching Hoseok’s back, which remains visibly tense, I take a step backward. “I should probably get going.”

He nods once. “Ok.”

“I…” Why can’t I form a proper sentence around this man? “Sorry. Bye.” Turning on my heel, I stride out of the room as quickly as possible, keeping my eyes ahead of me as my heart nearly pounds out of my chest. Throwing the door to the stairwell open, I don’t stop moving until I’ve returned to my studio.

Beomgyu jumps out of my chair when he sees me come in, his smug victory smile wiped off his face.

“Is everything alright?”

Well isn’t that the question of the day. “Yep. Did you guys listen to the track?”

Soobin steps up. “Yeah, it sounds great. We were just going to pass it along-”

“Perfect. I’ll export it to your project manager right now.”

In my peripheral I can see the three boys exchanging glances, but I pay them no mind. Perhaps tomorrow I’ll be mortified and apologize, but right now I would really like for them to leave.

They shuffle out, mumbling their farewells. Hueningkai turns around at the last moment. “Do you want me to leave the door open or close it?”

Swiveling in my chair, wave him off. “Closed, please.” He does just as I ask, and suddenly I’m alone in the studio listening to their retreating footsteps.

Closing my eyes, I gather the strength to get up and lock the door. Something tells me that I won’t want to be interrupted for a while.

I’ve just risen from my chair when an envelope slides under my door, making my breath catch in my throat. Hurried footsteps rush down the hallway, but I don’t bother to open the door to see who it is.

Picking up the envelope from off the floor, I frown when it isn’t labeled. It’s simply a white, blank envelope. Ripping it open, I unfold a piece of notebook paper.

I know who you are, but do you know who I am?

Bighit can’t save you now, Jung Ha-rin.

Instantly my heart rate kicks up as I read those words over and over again. Rushing to my door, I pull it open to see who left this horrible note only to find the hallway empty. Standing there in the middle of the corridor, I fight the urge to rip the note to shreds and cry in a corner.

The sound of me barging back into my studio and slamming the door shut reverberates throughout the entire floor, but the sound of my heart pounding drowns out the noise. I hold the note back up to my eyes, practically panting as I read it again.

“What is happening?” I whisper.

♟

When I leave later that night, I still have no idea what’s going on. I leave earlier than usual, although it’s still dark. Mentally cursing myself, I decide to just hope for the best. With my luck today, I’ll be kidnapped or something before I can even make it to my apartment. 

I sent a picture of the note to Bang PD along with a short explanation of what happened. He told me that he would review the security cameras to get a look at who it was that delivered the message, but advised me to catch a ride with someone rather than taking the bus.

So naturally I’m taking the bus.

Sulking at the bus stop while keep my eyes and ears open for any suspicious activity, I can’t help but laugh a little.

Today sucked.

Just as the bus pulls up, I feel my phone vibrate. Scrambling onto the bus and sitting in the first available seat, I pull my phone out and nearly choke when I see what message I just received.

I can’t help the sound that comes out of me upon seeing his message - it’s a mixture of a groan and a sharp intake of breath, resulting in a coughing fit. The people closest to me glare and scoot farther away but I don’t care.

Staring down at his message, I have to breathe slowly and deeply in order to stop myself. As much as all of this is a dream...the note I carry in my pocket reminds me of all that’s at stake here.

Bang PD’s words accompany the note, repeating themselves over and over again in my mind as I punch out a reply. 

End it before it can begin. 

Shoving my phone back into my pocket before I give into temptation, I jump off the bus as my apartment complex comes into view. Keeping my head down, I hurry up to my apartment. 

As soon as I enter the apartment I’m rushing to my room, grabbing a box from under my bed and rummaging through it until I find what I’m searching for. 

“There you are.” Holding up a staff photo from when I first started at Source entertainment, my eyes zone in on one of the male staff members on the far end. 

Now just add a hood, a bit of scruff, and crazy eyes. What is my old co-worker doing hanging around my apartment complex? And if my hunch is correct, what was he doing in the Bighit building today?

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taglist: @taylorroe3​ @dreamcatcherjiah @diorhoba @eusticenatalie @ddaeng-i-need-help

[purplesurveys]

1281

survey by chasingghosts

Who?

Who was the last person you had an intelligent debate with? Not so sure - maybe Angela and Reena. Our group chat will occasionally veer towards serious topics.

Who was the last person who cooked something for you? Dad, I believe; but I can also hear my mom preparing breakfast downstairs so she will be the next last person haha.

Who was the last person who you heard singing? Other than me, my co-worker Dev’s sibling when we had our weekly ~fade-out-slash-bonding call with the rest of the team last Friday. She had left her mic on while we were all doing the last remaining bits of work for the week and I could hear her sibling humming in the background.

Who was the last person you kissed and it meant something? My ex.

Who was the last person you were upset with? Myself.

Who was the last person you danced with? I don’t really dance with other people unless...like, drunk. But I guess my swaying and bouncing with Angela when we watched Sowoozoo counts.

Who was the last person you felt awkward around? The food delivery rider who was bringing food my aunt wanted to send over to us yesterday. He seemed very confused for reasons I’m still very confused by lmao, so it all made for an awkward encounter. 

Who was the last person who borrowed something from you? My mom went into my closet last week to grab something of mine, but I have no idea what it was since I had been half-asleep when she walked in.

Who was the last person who showed you how to do something? My dad taught me how to make coffee that wasn’t from a 3-in-1 sachet lol.

Who was the last person you went shopping with? I don’t really go shopping, much less with other people.

Who was the last person you had a crush on? I haven’t crushed on anyone since my ex, and the people I find attractive nowadays are all celebrities haha.

Who was the last person who made you cry? Myself.

Who was the last person you shared a bed with? Oh, that’s been a while. Still Gabie, I’m pretty sure.

Who was the last person you got drunk with? We were quite a bunch at Angela’s place two weeks ago, but I’ll name a few - her, Reena, Pia, Hans, Al.

Who was the last person who touched your hair? Not sure. Maybe my dad.

What?

What was the last pair of shoes you wore? It was a pair of adidas sneakers.

What was the last birthday party you attended? The last birthday celebration (not necessarily a party) I went to was Angela’s. I darted to her house straight after work that day cos there was no way I was going to miss out on her birthday.

What was the last thing you said to your mother? I think it was just to bid her goodnight last night.

What was the last song you listened to? Seesaw by Suga.

What was the last thing you thought about before going to sleep last night? I was thinking about my headache and how I wanted to fall asleep immediately.

What was the last fun thing you did with your family? We had a Zoom party yesterday to celebrate my cousin Bree’s 12th birthday! Her family sent over takoyaki, milk tea, and pizza to all the households who went and we watched the birthday clips we sent for Bree. It was a lot of fun and it was a super nice break from how monotonous my weekends could be.

What was the last thing you borrowed from someone? My sister’s microfiber cloth so that I could clean my glasses.

What was the last vegetable you ate? I’m blanking out...which is weird because my dad puts veggies in most of the dinners he makes hahaha. Probably something like lettuce or pechay??

What was the last thing you bought online? My friends and I pre-ordered the second season of In The Soop so that we can watch it when it premieres later in the month. We’ll also have to purchase our tickets to BTS’ next online concert that’ll be happening this month too...thanks for reminding me I have to raise it with them haha.

What was the last thing you had to drink? I haven’t had to drink anything recently but the last thing I took a sip of was my coffee.

What was the last reason you went to see a doctor? Continued from yesterday morning. I had had a fever all week long and we couldn’t figure out how to lower my temperature, so we needed to go so I could finally be diagnosed with whatever it was. It turned out to be a UTI.

What was the last non-food item you purchased? Pre-order slots for a pay-per-view series.

What was the last type of yoghurt you ate? Ooh, I don’t like yogurt. I’m blanking out on the last time I had it.

What was the last fast food place you ate at? I haven’t dined in at a fast food place in a while – I think it may have been Jollibee, when Angela and I met up back in February. But I did get KFC for delivery a few weeks ago.

What was the last thing that bothered you and kept you awake? Doesn’t really happen to me nowadays. I get knocked out most nights.

When?

When was the last time you embarrassed yourself? I guess yesterday? I went to Starbucks to work for a little bit but since I hadn’t done dine-in for a couple of months, I had no idea the government modified the rules a bit and required people to bring their vaccination cards if they wanted to dine in. The barista explained the new rule and I ended up profusely apologizing because I didn’t have mine on me, and I also offered that I could just do take out; but she was nice and let me off the hook and just confirmed with me if I’ve had my shots.

When was the last time you watched a movie with someone? Just myself. I did watch Squid Game - binge-watched all 9 episodes straight - with my sister last Saturday, though.

When was the last time you charged your phone? Earlier this afternoon.

When was the last time you were sick with a cold? I dunno. 1 or 2 years ago, maybe? I rarely get colds.

When was the last time you spoke to a family member on the phone? Yesterday when my mom called me up.

When was the last time it rained where you live? Earlier today. Explains why it’s been humid the last few days.

When was the last time you laid awake, unable to sleep? Like I said, struggling to fall asleep doesn’t really happen to me anymore. I usually exhaust myself until I feel like I can pass out the second I close my eyes.

When was the last time you met someone new? I want to say two Fridays ago when I pitched a presentation to a new set of people but still within a client brand we manage.

When was the last time you filled up your car with petrol/gas? I don’t drive a lot, so it’s been a few months.

When was the last time you ate popcorn? Don’t like popcorn so I honestly can’t remember. My mom makes them occasionally though so I may have grabbed one or two just to have something to chew, sometime within the year.

When was the last time you went to a school event? March last year. A school event that had been held on a Friday was literally the last place I was at – by the time that very next Monday rolled around, classes were already suspended.

When was the last time you took the trash out? I’m not normally in charge of that chore so I haven’t done it.

When was the last time you did anything to change your appearance? Like...10 minutes ago? I just fixed my bun since my hair had started to look disheveled from being up all day.

When was the last time you cooked at home? Sometime in like November last year when I tried to make a sandwich. Anyway, my dad just left today to finally head back to his work for the first time in nearly two years, and I told myself (and him) that I should try to learn cooking at least one meal so that I can manage well while he’s gone haha.

When was the last time you had a sleepover? Maybe January of last year.

Where?

Where did you last go shopping for clothing? Not sure about physical spaces but I did open my Zalora app recently to look for cute bucket hats that I’ll probably never buy anyway hahaha.

Where did you last go on a date to? I don’t even remember. I deleted all photos a long time ago.

Where was the last wedding you went to? Manila Cathedral, if I’m not mistaken. This was well over a decade ago, though. I haven’t been to any other wedding since.

Where did you last park your car, other than home? Angela’s house when I visited a couple of weeks ago.

Where did you last leave your keys? Dining table.

Where did your last kiss take place? By my ex’s car when I was bidding her goodbye.

Where did you last go for a walk to? The mall, yesterday.

Where did you last take a vacation to? It was a staycation more than anything, but we stayed at Tagaytay for a night at the start of this year to celebrate my dad’s birthday.

Where did you last go to celebrate your own birthday? We stayed at home. I reported to work that day then just had a huge dinner with my family haha.

Where was the last place you had dinner at? No clue. I want to say Ramen Nagi? when I ate there on my own last February.

Where did you last go to exercise? Rooftop since it’s open-space and no one can see me.

Where did you last take public transport to? I don’t take public transport.

Where does the last person you hung out with live? A city close to mine.

Where did you last visit for the first time? A Korean restaurant close to Angela’s place.

Where did you last take a photo? Just my room.

[krreader]

the jeon twins.

pairing: jeon jeongguk x reader (well, technically it’s two jeongguk’s lol) fandom: bts warnings: non idol!au ; college!au ; twins!au genre: fluff ; angst

summary: jk thought he was doing this for his twin’s good. falling in love with you while pretending to be kookie was never something he planned on doing and he hated himself for it.

a/n: it’s days like these where I’m thankful I know how to use photoshop lol. anyways, about the ending, I really didn’t know what I wanted to do, so I figured I leave an open end and see what you guys think. I might make two separate endings where you end up with either the one or the other, but idk, we’ll see. thank you @vincent-j-clint-renoir for the request ♥ (masterlist links are in my description box)

“What are you doing?” JK asked with furrowed eyebrows as he approached his twin brother, “Let's go home.”

“Ah, yeah. Right,” his brother immediately picked up his backpack and his books, but kept his eyes firmly on something – or rather, someone – who was just walking out of the university building.

“Why don't you just ask her out if you're so interested in her? It's literally no big deal,” JK shoved his hands in the pockets of his leather jacket and continued chewing on his gum.

“For you maybe,” his twin muttered under his breath.

That was just the thing, wasn't it? The Jeon twins where actually quite famous around campus.. well, actually just one of them was. They called one JK, a fitting name for someone like him. Bad boy, womanizer, the cool guy, the one that everyone wanted to be friends with. And then there was Kookie, also a fitting name for someone like his twin brother. He was the shy one, the one that rather studied and watched everything from afar and the one who could count his friends on one hand.

JK was experienced with girls. He’s had his share of tumbles and “girlfriends” and enjoyed his life when it came down to sex. Kookie on the other hand has never had a girlfriend - except for that one relationship when he was five with his neighbor - and has definitely not had sex, as much as he would like to.

No, he wasn't like his twin at all. 

So he couldn't just go up to you and ask you out, something that JK would do in a heartbeat, because he knew how to talk to girls.

And as they were passing by you and your friends, all of them giggled frantically when JK was smirking at them. And then there was you, smiling not at JK, but at Kookie, who blushed straight away.

Maybe that’s why he had fallen in love with you. Because you never seemed to care about JK, always about Kookie. Whenever it was the two of them together, your focus was on the shy one. It’s not that you’ve ever exchanged more than five words with each other, but you still seemed to like him..

And maybe that's why JK was so determined to help his twin get the girl, because you seemed to be as shy about this as Kookie was.

Or maybe it was the way he found Kookie scrolling through your social media that night with a sad sigh, before closing the app like he did every night.

Maybe that's what finally made JK snap and steal his phone when Kookie was taking a shower. 

Maybe that's what made him message you from his account, asking you if you wanted to go out with him - Kookie, not JK.

If only he had known what a grave mistake that was then.

“Dude, oh my fucking god, you just got a message from JK!” your friend nearly dropped your phone when the message came in and pushed the phone into your face.

“That's.. Kookie,” you gently took it away from her, but she had already lost interest as it wasn't the Jeon twin she was interested in.

You, on the other hand?

“Is he asking you to study with him or what?”

“No.. he asked me out to have dinner with him later tonight..”

“Oh my god, say yes and tell him to bring his brother so we can go together. Oh god, please, (Y/N). You know how much I want JK!”

“That's.. not a very good idea for a first date. I feel like you'd sleep with him on the table.”

“Can you blame me?” she chuckled and fell onto her back, staring dreamily at your ceiling, “He's literally a god.”

To be quite honest, you didn't understand why everyone was thirsting after JK so much, when his twin brother looked exactly like him. Was it only because JK was a bad boy? Because that's what girls liked? Because you rather liked Kookie for his intelligence and for his shyness. You liked how he didn't chase after girls, but rather just smiled at them when they smiled at him. You liked how he was respectful and valued rules.

You'd pick Kookie any day.

And so that's what made you say yes.

However what you didn't know, was that you hadn't been messaging with Kookie, but with JK all along.

JK figured that he should probably take that first step for his twin brother, should get to know you a bit and make sure that you were okay, right? That's what a good brother would do. No, he was totally not doing this because he actually thought you were really cute. And he only deleted the conversation once everything was settled, so that the surprise wouldn’t get ruined when JK would come back later that night and would tell him that Kookie was now dating the girl of his dreams, all thanks to his twin brother.

“Hey, can I borrow some of your clothes?” JK asked, but didn't wait for Kookie to answer, already opening up his closet.

“Why would you want some of my clothes?” Kookie looked up from his book and watched his twin change with furrowed eyebrows.

“I just.. feel like wearing something like this tonight,” he shrugged, trying to play innocent.

“Where are you going?”

“Ah, just out, you know. Nothing special.”

He already started to feel guilty, but continued to tell himself that he was doing this for Kookie. That when he would get home that night, he would be the best brother of the century, because he managed to get his twin brother the girl he always wanted.

“Have fun, I guess. And don't ruin my clothes, or I'll tell mom about it.”

And so about an hour later, JK smiled brightly at you, but quickly averted his eyes when he realized he had to pretend to be Kookie.

Don't be confident, or she'll notice.

“Hey,” you smiled, awkwardly standing in front of him.

“You.. look beautiful,” attractive, smoking hot, drop dead gorgeous.. that's what JK would have said. But no, he had to pretend to be his boring brother tonight.

“Thank you. And.. thank you for asking me out. I.. was actually hoping you would.”

So you really were interested in Kookie, huh? Interesting.

“Do you want to go inside?”

It wasn't the fanciest restaurant, but better than the restaurants JK usually brought his dates. This would definitely be the kind of place Kookie would take a girl to.. if he ever had dates.

“Sure,” and so you followed him inside, waited until you were seated, before you cleared your throat and smiled again, “So.. how was your day?”

“It just got a lot better,” he grinned, but then quickly shook his head when you looked surprised at his confidence, “I mean.. well, because you're here and because.. you know, because you're you and..-”

Oh, he hated this.

But he didn't hate your laugh. He didn't hate the way you smiled at him like he was the only one that mattered and that you actually liked this shyness of him.

How come he had never noticed just how pretty you actually were?

And smart.. and kind.. and loving.. traits that the girls JK was going out with didn’t usually have.

They were hot and good for sex, but none of them were really bright. None of them could make his heart beat faster..

He has never wanted to really get to know a girl. He wanted to sleep with them, then he wanted to move on to the next one. That's how it's been for years. Never had he dreaded to say goodbye to someone like he was dreading it now.

“Thank you for walking me home,” you said with a smile, looking down to your keys, “I.. really liked tonight.”

“Yeah, me too,” he said honestly. Not as Kookie, but as JK.

You hesitated for a moment, but somehow you felt like it was right. You felt like a small kiss wouldn't be too bad, right? And he'd probably be too shy to go for it anyways, so why not?

If JK's brain had worked properly, he would have pushed you away and he would have told you the truth. But the butterflies in his stomach prevented him from doing so. No, instead, they made him put his hands on your waist and pull you closer. And maybe you were surprised when you could feel his tongue against your lower lip, but you also didn't seem to mind. If anything, you pulled him even closer towards you.

“Well, hello, hello, hello,” your friend leaned against the door with a chuckle. Only that made you and him part, turning your heads to look at her and you immediately looking down in embarrassment, “And here I always thought that only your twin brother could kiss like that.”

“(Y/F/N)!���

“What? It's true! I might switch to Team Kookie now..”

Kookie, who was actually JK, just chuckled and kissed your cheek one last time, “I'll text you, alright?”

“Yeah.. thanks again for tonight.”

“You're home late,” the voice of his twin brother made JK jump and then freeze as he stared into the eyes of the man he just pretended to be for the last couple of hours, “Where did you go?”

“Why are you still up? It's way past your bed time..”

“You're not funny, you know?” he took a sip from his water and became even more suspicious when JK suddenly looked at his phone and.. smiled. But not in a: 'I got laid tonight' way but in a 'I'm so glad she texted', “Who is that?”

“Huh?” he immediately turned off his phone and pushed it into his pockets, shaking his head, “Nobody. Go to bed, Kookie. It's late.”

He'd get behind it sooner or later.

Hopefully later.

JK knew that this was fucked up. Each day that passed, he realized just how bad it was. When he saw you in school, he always made sure that his brother was far away from you, so that neither of you would uncover the lies that JK piled up.

The truth was, he just didn't want this to end yet.

And it was too late now to tell you the truth. And besides, he couldn’t break his brother’s heart, not yet. He loved him too much for that.

He knew that he couldn't keep going like this forever, but.. just a little longer, he told himself as he was kissing you behind the stands of the soccer field, pulling you as close as he could.

“I need to go back to class,” you giggled into the kiss.

“Not yet.. just.. a little longer,” he replied, kissing your neck, “Five more minutes.”

“That's what you said five minutes ago..-”

“Then just two more minutes. Just two more, I promise..-”

You were happy. Both of you. You were laughing and you enjoyed these feelings that you had for each other, both of you looking forward to the future ahead of you.

But while you were so completely lost in each others embraces, you didn't notice a third person watching.

You didn't hear his heart breaking.

“Hey, hey, hey, brother of mine. What's up?” JK plopped down onto the couch next to his twin brother, but Kookie just continued writing something into his notebook, not even looking up. Not even when JK nudged his side, “What's up? Didn't get an A today?”

“Honey, could you help me in the kitchen?” their mother asked, looking directly at JK with a worried look in her eyes.

And even though he didn't like leaving his brother like this, he felt like his mother knew what was going on.

She always did.

“What's up with him today?” he asked as he had closed the door, “He's never this quiet.”

“I think.. I think something happened in school,” his mother said in a worried tone, “His eyes looked like he had cried.”

“Cried?!” and then rage consumed JK at the thought that someone might have been making fun of his twin brother. He used to fight every single bully his brother had encountered in his life and it never mattered to him if he came home with bruises all over his body. He would never let anyone make fun of him. And that's why he stormed back out of the kitchen and demanded: “Tell me who it was. I'll kill them.”

“JK stop,” his mother shook her head and ran after him, wanting to give her other son a bit of space. She felt like that’s what he needed more right now.

“You want to know who it was?” Kookie finally spoke for the first time since he came home today, angrily pushing the notebook down to the ground and standing up, both his mother and JK taken aback by this behavior, “Then kill yourself, I guess.”

“Kookie!”

“What?” JK narrowed his eyes at him, “What the fuck are you on?”

“I guess you ran out of girls to fuck with, hm? Or maybe it just wasn't exciting for you anymore.. maybe you felt like taking away the one person that actually mattered to me would be fun.”

JK blinked a couple of times and tried to remain calm, but he knew that he was fucked.

He knew that Kookie knew.

“What.. what are you talking about, sweetheart?” his mother asked soothingly, trying to remain the calming force in this fight.

“You knew how much I cared about her. You knew how much I liked her. And you just.. took her away from me!” he screamed.

“Listen, it's not like that..-”

But when JK wanted to touch Kookie, he did something he had never done before. He punched his twin brother straight in the face. His mother screamed, JK fell down the floor and Kookie started crying. 

It was a mess.

“I loved her. Me. For years. And you knew that. You..- and she..- she looks at you.. like I always wanted her to look at me,” and that was probably the worst thing. That she fell in love with him too. That it was always JK and never Kookie, “I just wanted her to pick me.. just for once.. I wanted it to be me.”

And as Kookie grabbed his jacket and left the house, his mother running after him, JK whispered: “She did pick you..”

“I texted you ten minutes ago.. how come you're here this quickly?” you laughed as you pulled him inside by his jacket, already kissing him.

And while JK, who still pretended to be Kookie, would have liked to pretend a little while longer, he gently pushed you back and cupped your face with one of his hands.

“I.. I think we need to talk.”

It was only then that you saw his black eye, worry washing over you right away as you inspected it.

“What.. what the hell, Kookie?!”

“(Y/N), please, just..-” he took a deep breath, nausea hitting him at the name, “I need to talk to you.”

If you hadn't been so worried, you would have thought he came here to break up with you. Which, in a way, was true.

You sat down on the couch, but not before you had given him an ice pack he could press against his eye.

“Tell me what happened.”

It would probably be better to start from the beginning, but he somehow had to talk about his feelings for you first.. hoping it would make this a little less.. shitty.

“I.. like you. A lot,” he nodded, “More than I ever thought I would like anyone in my life, so that's why I'm telling you this so late.”

“What do you mean?” you furrowed your eyebrows.

“I never wanted anyone to get hurt. I just wanted to help my brother. I never.. I never thought I'd fall in love with you in the process.”

Your heart skipped a beat, but not because of happiness.

“Kookie?”

JK licked over his lips and then finally shook his head, “No.”

There was a reason he never went further than making out with you. There was a reason he always pushed you away when you wanted to get intimate. Making out with you when you thought he was someone else was bad enough, but he couldn't sleep with you. 

That wasn't fair to you.

“JK?” you whispered.

“He loves you so much, (Y/N),” his voice was breaking from how hurt he was by his own words, “I just never realized how much until today. I never would have let it get this far if I had known.”

“This.. entire time? It's always been you?”

He didn't meet your eyes, too afraid what he might see if he did, but instead he was staring at the ice pack in his hands.

“I'm sorry. I'm sorry for having done this to you.”

Your brain was in shambles. Mainly because you didn't know what you were feeling right now. Betrayed? For sure. Confused? Absolutely. Because who did you fall in love with then? JK? Because during this entire time, he pretended to be his brother. So did you fall in love with Kookie then?

“How long did you think this would last? Were you always going to pretend?”

“I wanted to tell you sooner, but I was.. scared,” he said honestly, suddenly feeling vulnerable, “Scared you'd leave me if you realized it wasn't him but me.”

And he never thought these words would leave his mouth.

That someone would actually want his brother more than him. Maybe that's what it's truly been about this entire time.. maybe Kookie was right.

Maybe this was a fucking competition after all.

“Why did you even do this in the first place?”

“Kookie has been interested in you for years, (Y/N). Literally years. I figured that if I take that first step for him, if I can convince him that you have good intentions and that you genuinely want to get to know him, he wouldn't be so scared anymore. But then when we had that first date you were just.. nothing like I expected you to be. I liked you. And I wanted to get to know you.”

He should have told you then. Then you would have got to know the real him too, maybe would have even accepted to go out with him as JK and not Kookie..

“I don't know what to say,” you mumbled.

“You don't have to say anything. I needed you to know the truth, that's why I came here. And I.. wanted to see you one last time.”

Because for him, this was the end. He couldn't be with you, knowing how much hurt he had caused his brother with it.

Yes, he had fallen in love with you and yes, he would love to spend his life with you.. but his brother..- he couldn't do that to him, even if you gave him the chance.

“Did you mean it? Any of it?” you asked as he was already halfway through the door.

“All of it,” he turned around to look at you, a sad smile on his face, “Maybe.. maybe one day you could get to know the real Kookie. He's.. a great guy.”

But who did you really want?

Kookie or JK?

[expelliarmus]

I saw that ask meme with questions for gif makers going around, but I felt like answering them all on my own lmao

1. What are your top 3 favorite sets you’ve made

This one, this one (if the timing works lmao), and this one (I’m so proud of my AU gifsets... where did all that creativity go??)

2. What is your least favorite set you’ve made

I honestly don’t know... I don’t think I hate anything I’ve posted though. If I don’t like how it’s turning out, I just won’t post it lol

3. Which of your sets has the most notes

The most notes ever is this one I think

4. A set that flopped but deserved better

I don’t know... there’s a bunch, but I’m fine if a gifset flops

5. What is your favorite movie/TV show to gif

DOCTOR WHO

6. What is your least favorite movie/TV show to gif

I really don’t gif anything else lmao...

7. Who are your top 3 gif makers

I’ll just pick 3 people off the top of my head :) @shatner​, @melodyspond​, @stupidape​

8. What gif trend do you hate

The pale/black and white gifs that are so hard to see.......

9. What/who inspired you to start making gifs

I wanted to gif my favourite parts of DW that I didn’t see anyone else doing, so I was like alrighty, time to learn how to do this!! I think the people that inspired me are long gone from tumblr, or I’m no longer following them because they’ve moved blogs (Natasha aka lumos-maxima... wherever you are, I MISS YOU... also Courtney aka needlebug I MISS YOU TOO)

10. What was the first gif you ever posted

THIS ONE! I remember being so happy about posting it, haha. Also, I still love that Confidential episode so much. I miss my space hipsters...

11. What is that one set you made that just won’t die

The Zoboomafoo one

12. What is the most embarrassing thing you’ve ever giffed

Everything I’ve ever posted

13. Where or from whom did you learn how to gif

Various tutorials on here and just by experimenting. I don’t even think I used Photoshop to begin with, since back in my Neopets days I used Paint Shop Pro to make graphics so I think that’s what I used first to try making gifs of videos.

14. How long does it usually take you to make a set

45 minutes to an hour or so?? It’s been taking longer and longer because the screencaps are so huge though and my poor laptop can’t handle it.

15. Have you ever had gifs stolen and reposted

Yes, and don’t think that I can’t tell when those are my gifs, even without a watermark!!

16. How long have you been making gifs

Since 2011...... my god

17. 10 sets, 8 sets, 6 sets? How many gifs to you prefer in a set

As many as it takes!!!!! But usually between 6-8

18. For the aesthetic, for the laughs, or for the feels what your preference

For FUN!

19. What is your gifting process like

Open video, find scene, screencap, load screencaps in Photoshop, resize to gif dimensions, add colouring, curse myself for picking a hard-to-colour scene, continue adjusting colouring and become increasingly frustrated because it’s not turning out the way I want it to, give up, add text, save gif, POST!

20. Mac or PC

PC

21. PSDs or original coloring for each gif

Original colouring. PSD who???

22. What fandom/movie/show/person etc do you gif the most

DOCTOR WHO and more specifically, David Tennant... I think his tag has the most :’)

23. What is the thing you gif when you don’t have anything else you want to gif

Any episode with Ten and Donna, or The Eleventh Hour, or the Day of the Doctor, or Blink

24. 480p 720p 1080p? What is the minimum quality you’ll gif from

I used to be all good with giffing 480p back in the day, but I guess now it’s 720p since the gif limits have gone way up.

25. Old dimensions or new dimensions and why

New dimensions because they look nicer on the dashboard.

26. How many un posted sets are in your drafts right now

ZERO.

27. Have you ever made a set, decided you hated it and deleted it? What was it

Probably at least one or twice, but I don’t remember.

28. Have you ever posted a set, regretted it and immediately deleted it

No, I don’t think so. I’m leaving my mistakes there for all to see!

29. Have you ever posted a set, realized you made a mistake later but it was already too late

Yes, I did this just the other day with that Missy, Bill and Nardole set. I got the dialogue slightly wrong lmao..... shh

30. How frequently do you like to post

I try to do at least one gifset a day if I can!

31. Do you schedule/queue posts or do you post right after you’re done

Right away. These gifsets are fresh off the grill.

32. What is your favorite tool/adjustment layer in Photoshop

Selective Color or Color Balance

33. Do you like to/can you make edits and graphics too or only gifs

Yes, I can do both but gifs are way more fun imo

34. A set that took you a long time/was really hard but you’re really proud of how it came out

I’m gonna say this one again because I was so proud of it when I made it, and I can’t believe I used to put that much effort into my gifs.

35. Do you change your giffing style a lot or do you have a set routine

I have a routine, as described above. My gifs are pretty much all made the same way as I describe in my colouring tutorial too.

36. Do you gif with something specific in mind or do you just wing it

Usually a mixture of both. I like to try to gif a different Doctor each day, so I’ll know who I have in mind but I’m not planning on a specific episode. I’ll just open up one of their series and go from there!

37. What sets if any do you have planned to make in the future

Idk, I was thinking of doing yet another gifset with Donna in it since I just finished her Big Finish series... but maybe I’ll do one with Eleven and the Ponds??? We’ll see.

38. What are you really excited to gif that isn’t out yet

The next Doctor Who holiday special?? :D

39. How often, if ever, do you delete old sets that you don’t like anymore

Never!! I love seeing how my gifs have slowly changed and improved over time.

40. Why do you make gifs

Because it’s fun, and it’s a way for me to relax after a long and busy day at work.

41. What is your least favorite part about your gif making process

When it takes forever for my screencaps to load, and when it takes forever for my gifs to save sometimes

42. How is your gif folder organized? Is it organized at all?

Lol nope.

43. Do you keep videos forever or delete them once you’re done giffing

I keep the episodes forever, but honestly I think I keep everything forever because I forget about getting rid of the other stuff like trailers and interviews... I should go through my downloads folder.

44. Ever had a gif become a meme? Would you like that if you haven't

I’ve had people use my gifs as reaction gifs and it is a weird feeling, especially seeing the gifs being used on websites other than tumblr. I remember seeing one of my gifs used in someone’s book review on Goodreads and I was like “WAIT THAT LOOKS FAMILIAR!!”

45. Ever gotten hate over a set

Not really hate, but I do get a lot people that are like “WHERE IS ______?” in their tags. And sometimes I just want to be like “Make your own gifs if you think they should be there!!!”

46. Ever gotten a really sweet compliment over a set

Yes :’)

47. Any advice for novice gif makers/people who want to start making gifs

Don’t give up!! Make gifs of whatever makes you happy, don’t worry about the notes too much, and use your tags! KEEP PRACTICING!

48. How would you describe your giffing style

I don’t know??? If someone else has a way to describe my style, then please let me know haha

49. How much would you say you’ve improved since you first started giffing

It’s been almost 9 years since I’ve started, so I hope I’ve improved quite a bit! :P

Well, that was fun. Congrats on making it to the end of this post!!! Now I will go make a gifset.

[livingthroughchoices-blog]

The Marshmallow Chronicles (Ch. 13: Hunting for Love)

Prev | Next

Author’s notes: Hi! Sorry this took so long! As I told a lovely anon, I had been working on it for a while and it was deleted so I had to recover from the frustration. 

Thanks to the people who like, reblog and/or comment. You guys are the reason I’ve kept going <3 Huge thanks to @starstruckzonkoperatorbat, @notoriouscs, @simplyaiden-blog, @snyggflicka, @asprankle, @speedyoperarascalparty, @mirivalencia, @mymandrake and @asobigokoro2018 for asking me to tag them!

Love you guys <3

Rating: T

Pairing: Drake x MC

Words: 5,943

Drake retired to his room early, not feeling up to enjoying the festivities. 

God, this sucks. I have to get this under control. Am I just gonna feel like shit all the time now?

Out of a sense of self-preservation he reflected he should probably keep his distance from Riley for the foreseeable future. He was shocked to realize that the thought of not being around her was more painful than seeing her with Liam. 

I guess I do want Adams to be a part of my life...

He flopped down unto his bed, trying to think of something that could distract him, when he felt his phone vibrate twice in his pocket. 

He pulled it out and read, “Hey, Drake! Where did you run off to?”

And then a separate message, “It’s Addams 😊”

His stomach did a somersault, seeing her call herself the nickname he called her. He’d already known it was her; Liam had given him her number “just in case”, as he put it, but Drake could never bring himself to text her. It would have felt like an even greater betrayal of Liam’s friendship. He had, however, spent more time than he cared to admit with his fingers hovering over the keyboard, staring at her picture and holding himself back from typing. 

“You know me, Addams, always sneaking off”

“Yeah, but you could’ve asked me to come with you ☹️“

Right, like she wasn’t having fun with Liam. 

He was wondering whether there was a way to phrase that so it was less obvious how bitter he was and then she texted again.

“You’re welcome btw”

“For what?”

He noticed she was already typing the moment he sent it. He was glad she didn’t play games with texting, didn’t wait long to reply, didn’t mind double-texting.

“For not making you my court jester! You would’ve looked cute in that cap tho lol”

“Funny. So why didn’t you?”

“Well, you only made that bet to motivate me”

The three dots were still on the screen so he waited. She seemed to be thinking especially hard about this text, as she took inordinately long typing it. Drake’s palms were sweating.

“And... tbh, as soon as they said a cup-bearer is someone you trust I knew I had to say you”

Drake was thankful he couldn’t choke or stutter through texts. He threw his phone on the bed and put his head under his pillow, completely overwhelmed. He couldn’t stop smiling, yet he felt close to tears at the same time. 

Pull it together, man.

He took a few breaths to steady himself and grabbed his phone. He caught a glimpse of his dopey smile reflected on his phone’s dark screen before he unlocked it. 

“You’re making me blush, Addams”

“You’re going soft on me, Drake ;)”

“Hey, thanks. I trust you too”

“No prob, I’ll have plenty of chances to beat your ass lol”

He could practically see her smirk.

“Ha, we’ll see about that”

“Well, I'd better go to bed, my alarm clock is waaay too chipper in the mornings”

“Is being queen even worth Maxwell waking you up every day?”

“I’m starting to doubt it haha”

He knew she was kidding, but he still couldn’t help the stupid, senseless hope he felt at that.

She texted once more, “Thanks for everything, Drake, I mean it. See you tomorrow?”

“Any time :) see you tomorrow”

He set his alarm for the next morning feeling a little more optimistic. That was it, he just had to find the right balance with Riley. He could give her a break, for starters. Since his feelings would not be ignored, he could use them to be nicer and act like a real friend to her, for a change. Yes, instead of wallowing in his unrequited crush, he would try to grow and improve through this. 

With this in mind, he turned the lights off and went to sleep.

The next day he got up unusually early, determined to be a better version of himself. He started by finding Liam, who was enjoying a rare quiet moment in the stables.

“Hey, Liam!”

“Drake! This is a pleasant surprise! What brings you here so early?”

“I don’t know, we haven’t hung out in a while and I thought...” he trailed off. 

I really have to get better at this friendship thing.

Liam looked touched, so much so that Drake felt his embarrassment grow.

“I’d like nothing better! How are you? Any news of Savannah?”

“Nothing. Radio silence. And her trail’s gone cold so...” he sighed.

Liam put a supportive hand on his shoulder, “Listen, if there’s anything I can do, all you have to do is ask. I’ve asked Bastien to look into it, but he seems to have a lot on his plate lately.”

“Oh, so it’s not just me?”

“That he’s been short with?”

“Short? More like a dick! Do you know he yelled at me yesterday for no reason?”

Liam raised a skeptical eyebrow, “No reason?”

“Okay, so I teased him a little but Liam, I swear, it was nothing compared to the pranks we used to pull on him!”

Liam chuckled. “Remember when we locked him out of the training room?”

“Or when we put those balloons behind the door?” Drake snorted.

“He was so startled when they popped he pulled out his gun!”

“Yeah, in retrospect I can see how that was actually pretty dangerous and not super fun for him,” admitted Drake, though he was still chuckling.

“It was very irresponsible,” agreed Liam. “We should really show him some sort of appreciation soon, especially if he is under pressure.”

“Good idea, but you should leave that to me; you’ve got enough shit to do.”

“Do I? Other than choosing a queen for Cordonia and my lifelong partner, my schedule is wide open,” Liam joked.

They heard footsteps getting nearer and Drake peeked out to see King Constantine approaching the stables. That’s my cue.

“I’d better take Morello, then.” He strode to one of the stalls, where a jet black horse whinnied excitedly. “Hey, boy.” He led him gently outside, grabbing a saddle on his way back to Liam. “Well, if there’s any way I can help you, just say the word.” Drake clapped his back.

“I know, Drake, thank you.”

Drake waved goodbye and exited, his horse walking behind him. He briefly stopped to give the King a perfunctory bow. He ambled around the grounds, at peace for the first time in what seemed like ages. He’d missed Liam’s company. He was used to long periods of only seeing each other for quick conversations, but lately, his once-easy friendship had felt anything but. Now, with a clearer mind and knowing what he intended to do about his silly crush, it all seemed as simple as it used to be. 

In a secluded spot, he saddled Morello. He caressed its muzzle and the horse nickered affectionately. “I missed you, too, buddy. It’s been busy around here, you know? Busier than usual. New people and everything.”

He scratched behind its ears, lost in thought. He looked back towards the stables and saw most of the group already mounted. “All right, seems like everyone’s on their horses. You ready?” 

Morello neighed, which Drake took as a yes. He swung expertly onto his saddle and took the reins. “Now listen, if there’s ever been a time when we gotta look good, it’s this one, okay?”

The horse snorted and Drake patted its neck. 

Nothing wrong with trying to impress the suitors. It’s not like I’m making a move or anything. I just want her to know I’m good at something.

He directed Morello at a slow gait toward the others. He’d decided to stay in the back, should anyone need any help. 

Nobles don’t tend to be good at much. 

He smiled a little, remembering when Tariq had gotten his foot tangled in the stirrup a few years ago and sighed contentedly. 

Yeah, today might be a good day.

He saw Riley up ahead and had already raised his hand to urge Morello forward with the reins, then thought better of it. 

You’ll go up to her if it’s natural. Stop forcing it.

He settled in the last spot. After a few minutes of riding at a ridiculously slow pace, his gaze started drifting more and more often towards Riley, until he was fully staring at her. 

I’m such a creep. 

Try as he might, though, he couldn’t help looking at her, the shapes her lips made when she talked or smiled, how beautifully her hair moved in the breeze... 

I’m gonna make myself sick.

She was currently having what looked like a surprisingly civil conversation with Olivia. 

Yuck. She’s such a better person than I am.

A few minutes later, Hana was the one to approach her.

Lovesick idiots that we are. 

He shook his head fondly at Hana. 

God, I hope you come out of this better than me, kid.

Hana moved back to talk to the rest of the suitors. At the same time, Drake noticed Lady Kiara trying to catch his eye and ignored her as politely as he could. 

Out of desperation – fine, and also because I really, really want to talk to her – he called out to Riley, “Addams!”

She turned towards him, grinning. He returned her smile and waved her over. She immediately slowed down and let others pass her until she was at the back with Drake. He was pleasantly surprised at how well she commanded her horse. 

Okay, here we go. Friends. We’re gonna be friends.

“There you are. You look like you actually know how to ride a horse.” 

That’s something a friend would say, right?

One of Riley’s hands flew to her mouth in mock surprise. “Oh my gosh, opening with a compliment?”

“Careful, don’t want you falling off your horse now.” Drake smirked, though he still regarded her uneasily. 

Friends worry about their friends!

“I’m surprised you’re out here with all the nobles today.” It was phrased like a statement, but there was a question behind it. 

Well, obviously the truth is out of the question. 

“Turns out, I had an opening in my schedule today.” He grinned. “And there’s something oddly satisfying about watching nobles fuss over their stuffy blazers.”

Riley giggled. “Is this why you’re not frowning... as much as usual, anyway.”

Drake didn’t know whether to shake her or kiss her. 

It’s you! You’re the reason! Okay, how do I make that friend-appropriate? 

“It has more to do with the company I keep.” That was probably the most sincere he’d been in the past year.

“A second compliment!” This time, Riley didn’t pretend to be shocked, she actually was. Her eyes shone as she looked at Drake, delighted.

“One more and you win the jackpot,” he winked. 

If only I could actually give her anything.

“I hope it’s all your whiskey,” she teases.

It was Drake’s turn to act horrified. She pushed his shoulder and he smiled with a sigh.

“You know, when we first met, I wanted to dislike you so badly...” He was not sure why he was saying this. 

I guess I want our friendship to start on a clean slate.

Riley’s eyes were wide. “You WANTED to dislike me? Why?”

Of course she finds it unbelievable that anyone could dislike her, cocky jerk. 

He smiled to himself.

“You were crashing Liam’s bachelor party! It was supposed to be our last night out together before all of this... We’ve always been like brothers, doing everything together...” He thought of that morning, how spending a few minutes with him had felt like a privilege. 

“Now I’m lucky to see him for five minutes without a noble girl throwing herself in front of him,” he finished bitterly. 

After a moment of silence, he realized she might think he meant her and hurriedly apologized, “Sorry. I didn’t mean...”

She put her hand on his for a second, her eyes understanding, “I know what you meant.”

Drake could not comprehend how the smallest of her gestures could calm him, make him feel better, like he mattered. 

I have to stop getting so pathetically emotional over every little thing she does. 

He cleared his throat. “Anyway, I know we got off to a bad start, but somewhere along the way... things changed.” 

Okay, stop it right there or you might go too far. 

“Hell, Addams, I don’t even know why I’m telling you any of this.” He rubbed a hand on his face, embarrassed at this outpouring of honesty.

Riley spoke, “Drake, I wanted to dislike you too.”

He looked up from his hands, taken by surprise, although he had no reason to be. “You did?”

“Yeah, I mean, you were a total jerk to me!” 

Understatement of the year.

“But now...”

Drake hated how his voice practically trembled with hope, “Now?”

“It took time... but I figured out that you’re actually human under all those scowls,” she poked him.

Of course. She barely even sees me as a friend, how could I have thought... Well, it doesn’t matter, being friends is already more than I deserve after the way I treated her.

He spotted Liam with his parents ahead. 

There’s someone else I need to be better to.

“This has all been touching, but I need to rescue Liam from his family for a couple minutes.”

He heard Riley utter a small “Oh” as he rode ahead, and felt a twinge of guilt coupled with that insufferable emotion he’d been feeling constantly as of late, hope.

He reached them just in time to hear Queen Regina sing the praises of Madeleine, much to Liam’s apparent chagrin.

“Do you see what I am saying, Liam? Wouldn’t you agree that she is the superior choice?”

“She would certainly make an excellent monarch, son,” chimed in the King.

“She is a lady with many merits, yes,” replied Liam diplomatically.

“So is she the suitor you are most leaning towards, then?” prodded the Queen.

“I–I...”

“Liam!” Drake called, startling the three monarchs, who had been so absorbed in their conversation they had not noticed his arrival. “Wanna race ahead?”

“Loser does 30 push-ups!” Liam exclaimed, already urging his horse forward.

Liam was, of course, an accomplished rider. There really weren’t any rich people things you could afford to be bad at when you were a royal. However, Drake had spent more time in the stables than he had. And so, despite Liam’s exceptional instruction, he didn’t share the bond that Drake and Morello did. 

All this to say, by the time Liam caught up with him, Drake had time to pretend to be looking at an imaginary watch on his wrist.

“Liam, Liam, Liam,” he said, with shakes of his head. “You’ve really got me to thank for your abs, you know that, right?”

Liam chuckled. “That’s my secret; I lose on purpose so I can stay in shape.”

Drake snorted. “You keep telling yourself that, buddy.”

“Drake, thanks for that.” Liam’s relief was palpable.

Drake sobered. “No problem. You looked like you’d rather be at the bottom of the canyon so...”

Liam gave a humorless laugh. “Not quite, but almost. I don’t think they understand that I’m conflicted enough as it is.”

Drake perked up at this, “Are you? I... thought it was a done deal. That you were choosing Riley, that is.”

Liam shushed him. “Not so loud!” He ran his fingers through his hair. “What can I say? In my heart, it is, but unfortunately that is not nearly enough.”

Drake’s heart sank. 

Even if he doesn’t choose her, he’s in love with her. And he’s your best friend.

“Stop worrying so much, man, what’s that gonna do? Look, let’s just enjoy the feast today, huh? You still have a few events left to decide. Not to mention a Beaumont party to look forward to!”

“I’ll try. Although I must say, I am definitely looking forward to that! Their parties are really unparalleled.”

“That they are.”

He and Liam rode on in companionable silence until they reached the mountain village. It was charming and rustic, with its little cabins and huts surrounding a vast filed in which long tables had been set out, laden with food.

Once everyone had gathered round, King Constantine welcomed them, “Everyone, we’ve reached our hunting lodges. Our forebears would dine on the day’s hunt here, and though we no longer hunt, we will still have a great feast. But first, we race to celebrate our ancestors. The first to reach Prince Liam will be served first at the feast! Begin!”

Drake was torn between wishing he could participate – he was starving – and excitement at seeing the suitors race and possibly make a fool out of themselves. Except Hana, obviously. And Riley, he hoped... though that would provide an incredible opportunity to tease her.

No. Friends don’t want their friends to look dumb. 

He needn’t have chided himself, for Riley did well. She didn’t win – predictably, it was Hana who did – but she did a good job for her first time, in Drake’s opinion.

An image popped up in his mind, uninvited, of himself teaching Riley how to ride properly. They were all smiles and laughter... 

Stop it, brain.

He forced himself to concentrate on what King Constantine was saying, “That’s superb horsemanship in action. Servants, prepare the first plate for Lady Hana. Now, then. Let’s all take some time to rest. Dinner will begin shortly.”

The crowd broke into smaller, more relaxed groups. He dismounted Morello and tied him to the hitching rail where all the other horses were drinking water and chewing on oats or grazing. He saw Riley talking to Tariq, weirdly. Liam was engaged in conversation with Olivia – no, thanks – and then he spotted Maxwell and Hana.

“Congratulations, Hana! That was some riding,” he admired as he approached them.

“Yeah, you kicked ass!” Maxwell agreed enthusiastically.

She blushed, “Thank you. I am glad I could put something my parents made me learn to use. If only to eat first.” 

“I think that’s the best prize you could get, I’m starving! Right, Maxwell?”

Maxwell was looking out at Riley, who was talking to Liam, with an uncharacteristically pensive expression on his face.

Drake waved a hand in front of his face. “Maxwell? Everything okay, man?”

“Wha–? Oh. Yeah, yeah, everything’s fine.”

“Sure.” Drake eyed him suspiciously and shared a puzzled look with Hana, who broke the tension.

“Why don’t we go see what they’re up to?” 

The three of them walked over to Liam and Riley. Liam was, as Drake had come to expect, smiling widely, completely engrossed in whatever Riley was saying.

“Hey, the feast is being put out.” Drake pointed out when they’d joined the pair.

“And they’ve got dishes supposedly blessed by the spirits of the nearby ruins,” Maxwell informed them.

Hana’s face instantly lit up. “Oooh! I’ve heard legends about those ruins! They sound magical. People travel from all around just to see them.”

“It’s a shame we’re not scheduled to see them,” Liam frowned.

Thank God! Bunch of old rocks.

Hana’s face fell as fast as it had brightened before. “We aren’t? I was so hoping to...”

Maxwell put a comforting arm around her shoulders and suggested, “Why don’t we just go anyway? Sounds like a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity!”

A once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to miss out on delicious food, maybe. 

“Are you sure we should?” Hana asked, cautiously eager.

No!

“It’d be nice to spend some time together without this crowd around,” Liam said. As always, he turned directly to Riley and asked, “What do you say, Riley?”

Riley had that familiar mischievous look she got when she was ready to break the rules. “Let’s have an adventure!”

Drake came close to protesting this decision, until he noticed that her face was practically glowing with excitement. 

Fiiine, I’ll go. Crushes are so stupid. 

He shook his head at himself but kept quiet, not wanting to spoil the others’ fun.

“Alright!” Maxwell fist-pumped.

“I’m excited to visit another piece of Cordonian history,” gushed Hana.

Liam took the lead and gestured for them to come. “Follow me. I know how to get there.”

They walked away from the crowded field and into the adjacent forest. At least this I can enjoy. Drake took in the lush trees, the leave-strewn path they were following and the mysteriously soothing sounds of nature surrounding them. He tried to see if he could spot any forest creatures, but aside from a few shuddering bushes, he didn’t see any; they had probably been spooked by the humans’ presence.

He breathed in deeply, feeling a bit better, despite the hunger. He realized he’d been walking next to Maxwell, who had been quiet the whole time. 

What the hell?!

“Hey, Maxwell, you know I’m not buying that ‘everything’s fine’ bullshit, right?”

“What? Why? Everything is–”

“Stop it. Tell me what’s wrong.”

Maxwell sighed. “Okay. I need someone’s opinion on this, anyway. You know how I’m sponsoring Riley?”

“You can skip the intro, Maxwell, I am the same guy who’s been here for everything,” Drake rolled his eyes.

“Yeah, sorry.” Maxwell was cracking his knuckles nonstop at this point. Drake grabbed his arms and forced him to stop.

“What is it? It can’t be that bad.”

“It’s not bad, it’s complicated. Riley might not be sure about this whole thing anymore.”

Maxwell looked so conflicted that Drake put an arm around his shoulders and said, “Well, being queen is a big deal, dude! Don’t worry, I’m sure she’ll come around!”

“It’s not that. Or at least, not just that. It’s... it’s Liam, too.”

Drake almost stopped walking and had to remind his feet to keep going.

Maxwell kept talking and Drake listened to him half-heartedly. “So I don’t know what to because on the one hand, she’s my friend now. I don’t want to force her to do anything she doesn’t want to! Especially something so big! And I know she feels pressured... I mean, who wouldn’t, with Bertrand? But on the other hand, House Beaumont desperately needs a win, now more than ever... er, for no particular reason.”

Drake was busy trying to calm his buzzing thoughts. 

She’s not sure about Liam! Could it be that–? 

No. There’s no way it’s because of you!

You can’t know that!

So what? Even if it is, you think she’s gonna give up a kingdom? 

His internal argument was interrupted by Maxwell taking a huge breath and continuing, “And then there’s Liam; he really, really likes her and he probably thinks she likes him back and I know it’s not my place to tell him but I feel terrible.”

Right. Liam. You couldn’t do that to your best friend, either way.

There was no argument there.

“Drake? Are you going to say anything or...?”

“Oh, uh, yeah! I don’t think there’s that much to say except, Addams is going to choose whatever she chooses, okay? Even if Bertrand is pressuring her, she’ll do whatever she wants; she’s stubborn like that,” he smiled fondly. “And I guess you gotta trust that she knows.”

“Knows what?”

“Well, that she understands both the reason you brought her here in the first place and that you’re her friend. I’m sure she’ll do whatever she can to help House Beaumont and be happy. She’s one of those people that always finds a way, you know what I mean?”

“I do and I hope you’re right.”

“Psh, when am I not?”

Maxwell pushed him away. “When you said I wouldn’t dare ask the Queen to breakdance with me.”

Drake snorted, “You got me there. I underestimated how inappropriate you can be. And this is from a commoner.”

“I still think she secretly wanted to.”

“Right, maybe she just needed a few more glasses of champagne. Why don’t you try again at the next Beaumont party?”

“Don’t think I won’t.”

They spent the rest of the way laughing and coming up with stupid plans to get the Queen to breakdance.

“Here we are,” Liam announced from ahead of them.

The group moved forward out of the trees and into a clearing. Imposing, mossy stone ruins littered the place, most of them unrecognizable as buildings after so long.

“It’s so beautiful and serene,” Hana breathed out.

Without distractions, Drake’s hunger had returned with a vengeance. “Yep... sure are a bunch of old things here,” he shrugged.

Liam shook his head at him. “It’s so much more than that. There’s something so calm about this place. Can’t you sense it?”

They stood there for a few seconds, their own silence swallowed by the noises made by thousands of bugs and other small critters accustomed to their solitude.

As he’d come to expect, Maxwell broke their silence first, “The only thing I sense is about a million snakes and probably a couple of rock monsters getting ready to attack us.”

Hana’s eyes widened. “Rock monsters? Do you have any rock monsters in Cordonia?”

“It was a joke... just forget it.” Maxwell sighed in defeat.

“I want to find some ghosts,” said Riley, putting her arms up in a “spooky” stance.

“Ghosts?” Hana looked worried, again.

“Maybe one will tell me my future,” piped up Maxwell

That’s not how ghosts work.

“Or devour your soul,” Drake replied in a creepy voice.

Riley shot him a look, “Drake.”

He smiled at her and shrugged. “I’m just saying, that is the likelier outcome!”

“Since some of us,” said Riley pointedly, “seem determined not to take this seriously, why don’t we split up? That way we can all explore however we want.”

“Or not explore,” grumbled Drake.

Riley rolled her eyes at him.

They went their separate ways. Too hungry to be curious, Drake found a rock that looked like it might be halfway comfortable and slumped against it. 

Hana’s already quiet footsteps were further muffled by the leaves and dirt, so he jumped when she addressed him, “Hi, Drake.”

“Hana! You scared the crap outta me!”

She giggled, “Sorry! I didn’t mean to.”

“Yeah, well, next time clear your throat or something.”

“Understood.” 

She slumped – somehow making it look graceful – next to him. 

“So how are you?”

“Same old. Acting like a dumb teenager with a crush, you?”

“Me too... although I never got to be a ‘dumb teenager’ so I wouldn’t know.”

“What are you gonna do about it? I just... I have no idea how to act or what to say or not to say.”

“I don’t think I’ll do anything about it at all. I am here as a suitor and that is something I must keep in mind. Not only that, but she’s my best friend... I don’t think I am prepared to risk our friendship.”

“Well, at least you have some sort of claim, you know? She’s your best friend. I’m... what? Her boyfriend’s best friend?” He scoffed.

They settled into a gloomy silence until Drake spoke again. “For what it’s worth, I don’t think you’d be risking your friendship. If she doesn’t... feel the same way, I’m sure she’ll understand.”

Hana thought about it for a long moment. “You may be right. I’m not certain I’ll have the courage, though.”

“Are you kidding? You came here from so far away and you’ve tried so many new things; of course you do! You have more guts that Liam, Maxwell and I combined. With Addams you might be evenly matched,” he chuckled.

Hana smiled. “Thank you, Drake. I only wish there was a way this could end favorably for everybody.”

Drake didn’t think that needed an answer. They all wished that. Hana patted his shoulder and left as quietly as she’d come.

Almost as soon her barely audible footsteps receded, Drake heard somebody else approach.

“Hey, Addams,” he greeted her.

She stood in front of him. “You look like you’re having a good time exploring,” she said with an arched eyebrow.

Drake grimaced. “Archaeology isn’t really my thing.” 

Plus, I’m fucking hungry. Bordering on hangry.

“You could at least look around.” Riley gestured at the ruins. “It’s not like you come here often.”

“I looked around. There’s some old buildings. That’s about it.”

What happened to being friendlier, dammit?

“Hmm...” Riley considered what he’d said as if he’d actually made and interesting point instead of just sarcastic whining. 

“Don’t you want to know where you come from? And what about insight into how people lived long ago?” 

She sounded so fascinated it was almost enough to get Drake interested. Almost. “They could’ve ridden dragons for all I care. It doesn’t mean much now.” 

There’s enough shit going on in the present, and shit to worry about in the future. Why look at the past?

He could see Riley was getting tired of his attitude. 

Hell, so am I. 

She put her hands on her hips. “So why did you come out here if you don’t really care for these sorts of things?”

Because you looked adorably excited about it? 

As had become common for him, he went with a different version of the truth, “I don’t think we’re going to get many more times like this.”

Riley tilted her head, “Like what?”

“I mean... Liam is going to be king soon.” He swallowed painfully. “And you could very well be his queen. Everything’s going to change.” He bit the inside of his cheek and looked down. What was he going to do the day of the Coronation if he could barely handle the thought?

To his surprise, Riley’s next words were, “You know, you’re right.” 

He looked up to see a fierce look on her face, “We don’t need to associate with the riff-raff. I mean, really, what could you even provide for us? A sense of grounding and humility?”

Drake shook his head but couldn’t help smiling a little. “I see what you’re trying to do here. It’s not going to work.”

“Or maybe someone to sneak us out of the palace? Why would we want that when we’re drinking champagne and shaking ambassadors’ hands?”

She sounds so sure. There’s no way Maxwell’s right, he probably misunderstood. She’s gonna be queen. 

His stomach clenched and he had to make an effort to focus on their back and forth.

“Yeah, yeah. Keep on punching down.”

Riley’s voice softened and she stepped closer. “Or maybe we’ll need a reminder that no matter how tough someone may seem on the outside, there’s a big, lovable softie on the inside.”

“Hey!”

She put her hands on both his shoulders and gave him a goofy smile. “Come on, Drake. There’s a smile inside you somewhere.”

Drake gave up and smiled with a laugh. “You’re the worst, Addams.”

“Would you have me any other way?”

She’s gonna make me say something I’ll regret if she keeps asking those questions. Fuck no, I wouldn’t have you any other way. You’re amazing.

“Addams... We may have had some ups and downs between us, but I want you to know that I’ve enjoyed this little adventure with you. Not just the ruins, but the whole thing since I walked into your bar in New York.” 

He looked her straight in the eyes and tried to say something nice in the least romantic way possible. “You’re... you’re not bad.”

Riley seemed more moved by that than he’d expected. 

Maybe she understands I mean so much more than that. 

“Awww, Drake, I care for you too.”

Goddamn. I care so fucking much and I can’t stop.

“Addams... I...”

Don’t say anything. Think of Liam.

He shook his head and sighed. He let himself meet her eyes; there was such an intense, yet soft look in them. He felt his gaze slowly make its involuntary way down to her lips. He couldn’t remember wanting anything as badly.

“You’re something else...” he choked out. 

He heard her inhale sharply through her lips. She blushed, breaking their eye contact and putting her arms down.

I went too far.

“Now, we really need to get you out of here before you completely lose it.” The conversation was light-hearted again. “All this reflecting isn’t healthy for you.”

“You’re right. If I stay much longer, I might melt into a big ball of mush,” he shuddered. He had to stop putting himself in these situations; he’d come so close to saying or doing something he shouldn’t...

“Let’s go find the others.” He started walking towards the edge of the forest without looking back. Everyone else was already there.

“That was lovely,” said Liam.

“There weren’t any ghosts,” Maxwell complained.

“Why are you sad about that?” Hana seemed to grow more confused by Maxwell the more she knew him.

He shrugged, “I don’t know, I’m kind of curious what a ghost would have to say. Would’ve made a good story.”

“You can always lie. I’ll back you up,” offered Drake.

“There’s an idea!” he exclaimed.

Unexpectedly, Riley wrung her hands nervously, “Maxwell, please don’t tell me any ghost stories.”

“I won’t tell it to you. You’ll be a supporting character in the story.” 

“Do I survive?” she asked with hope.

“No.”

“Aww...”

“Hah,” Drake mocked her.

Maxwell put an arm around Riley and reassured her, “Drake is the first to die, though.”

“Hey!”

Liam chuckled along with everyone but Drake, and then said, “Alright, everyone. It’s time to head out.”

Riley took one last look at the ruins, sounding resigned, “These ruins were bigger than I thought.”

“Could’ve used an open bar in my opinion,” muttered Drake.

Maxwell, who apparently was almost as hungry as Drake, urged them on, “The feast is waiting for us back at the village! Let’s go!”

“That’s the best idea you’ve ever had. Including sponsoring Addams,” said Drake, earning him a push from Riley.

The walk back to the field seemed much longer to Drake, eager as he was for something to eat. 

When they eventually reached the banquet tables, he was relieved to find them still heaping with food; he’d been anxious it would all be gone by the time they returned.

“Wow... That’s a lot of meat!” Riley’s mouth was watering as she looked at the many cloches piled with different types of roasted meats.

“It’s not exactly a feast without it.” Drake said this as he loaded his plate with everything he could reach.

“A little more fruit couldn’t hurt,” Hana murmured, eyeing the comparatively few options a little sadly.

“I wouldn’t mind putting a bunch of fruit on a stake and waving it around like a sword.” Maxwell was already looking around the tables, trying to find something stake-like.

“Alright, let’s grab our food before Maxwell gets any other crazy ideas,” Drake interrupted.

Maxwell spotted a watermelon and grinned. “And then I could wear a watermelon as a helmet...” He smirked. “I’d be unstoppable.”

Drake had to forcibly remove Maxwell from the table before he could carry out any of his plans. Riley got him a bit of everything – except for watermelon – and brought both her and Maxwell’s plates to where Liam and Hana were already sitting. 

Maxwell revealed a champagne bottle he’d managed to swipe from the table before Drake took him away. 

“I’ll go get glasses!” Hana volunteered, and darted to the table to get five of them.

Maxwell popped the champagne and poured some for everyone. He then stood up and raised his glass.

“A toast to all of us and to our friendship!”

“To friendship!” chirped Hana.

“Ugh... to friendship,” agreed Drake reluctantly. 

It’s only all I’ve thought about today.

Liam smiled at them all and said, “To friendship.”

“To friendship!” exclaimed Riley.

They clinked their glasses and drank. 

Damn, if I didn’t get lucky with these people.

[creideamhgradochas]

Thanks to the lovely @whostheblondegirlwriting for taking the time to answer these! Get to know more about lovely E, go give her a follow and then show her some love!

These questions are from this list. You should check it out, there’s 50 questions all together and they’d be great to ask your favorite fic writer!

*Disclaimer from E, herself: If you’re looking for some sage-like writery advice...keep lookin’. You won’t find it here. This whole fic writing endeavor is an adventure in “[shrugs] We’ll see what happens”. Behold! An odyssey of half-assed, one line inspo. Marvel at the absolute appalling lack of plotting and vision. Tremble at the underwhelming realization that “Huh. I could do better than that”. In short, at least you don’t pay money for this, right?

1) How old were you when you first starting writing fan-fiction?

I have no idea, honestly. I signed up for AO3 to actually share it though in September 2015 when I was 36. So we’ll go with that.

2) Do you prefer writing OC’s or reader inserts? Explain your answer.

I think I have done more reader inserts than OC, counting all the tumblr oneshots. But you can actually create something substantial with an OC. An OC makes you work. I prefer them.

3) What is your favorite genre to write for?

I don’t know if I’ve done enough variety to have a fav, honestly.

4) If you had to delete one of your stories and never speak of it again, which would it be and why?

I wouldn’t. They’re all mine and I’m proud of each of them, no matter how popular (or maybe I should say, unpopular) they are/were.

5) When is your preferred time to write?

Whenever I have the time! I’m not picky, because time is very hard to come by with my job anymore and the fact that my husband doesn’t know I write. Morning, noon, or night for me. It can be hard to sneak it in and still get everything else done.

6) Where do you take your inspiration from?

I don’t have a good answer for this and I’m laughing to myself thinking I should have one. Lol An idea comes up and I write it. That’s it. Shameful, I know.

7) In your Back to One series, what’s your favorite scene that you wrote?

Oh, damn. Uhhh...I think I liked Sebastian fumbling through his confession to Lily in Montauk. But I also probably had the most fun with the “champagne incident” because it was for my tumblr-lifemate,  @ceebeetumbles.

8) Have you ever amended a story due to criticisms you’ve received after posting it?

Nope. It is what it is. You can’t please everyone and I don’t try. As long as I like it, it’s good enough. It’s not like anyone’s paying me for this, anyway. Lol

9) Who is your favorite character to write for? Why?

Hmm. Right now, I’d have to say Jack Rollins, because he preoccupies so much of my writing lately. Besides his own fic, he’s also featuring in an AU for Echo that’s in draft. Considering he had two lines in Winter Soldier, I’m very proud of the interest and love my Jack gets.

10) Who is your least favorite character to write for? Why?

Chris Evans, for right now. Only because he has been less than inspirational for some time due to his relative inactivity and, uh, [ahem] some personal choices he made. But I’m optimistic he’ll come back.

11) How did you come up with the title for the Back to One series?

The main character, Lily, goes through some personal and professional ups and downs as an actress. The phrase “back to one” is a direction for actors to go back to their first mark, so I thought it was fitting, as Lily would hopefully get things right, find her best self again, and have a fresh start as she meets different situations and opportunities in her story.

12) How did you come up with the idea for the Back to One series?

I thought I’d write a Sebastian Stan fic and figured a good match for him (and someone to help drive the story) would be an actress. But then I considered an OC like Lily could have more angles to write and it became really an OC fic that features Sebastian Stan. Oops.

13) Do you have any abandoned WIP’s? What made you abandon them?

I haven’t ever abandoned a fic. I refuse to give up on A Touch Up and do write a line or two here and there, just nowhere near the volume I need to publish a full chapter like I used to. It ended up on the shelf because Chris Evans got so boring after Civil War premiered and the fic is literally built on what he was doing in his everyday life. I also have a personal distaste for Jenny Slate and I guess you could say his decision to date her made me doubt the version of him I’d created in ATU, which is a problem when your fic is paired so purposefully around the assumptions I/we all had made by that time about him.

14) Are there any stories that you’ve written that you’d really love to do a sequel to?

I’m doing it. Echo was my pet project and, though it has my smallest following for a WIP, I had enough demand/interest for the story to be told from another character’s perspective that Jack Rollins and the STRIKE Series were born. There’ll be some unexpected things along the way in that series that I hope those fans/readers enjoy.

15) Are there any stories that you wished you’d ended differently?

No. I’ve only ended a couple fics (Echo and Kindness). Everything else is still a WIP or open ended series that publishes oneshots every once in awhile. The rest of my work is basically oneshots.

16) Tell me about another writer(s) who you admire? What is it about them that you admire?

Don’t laugh at me when I say I admire anyone who puts their work out there, even if it’s just a paragraph long imagine only on tumblr. It takes a lot of nerve, no matter what level your work is at or how big the scope. I’ve seen some good, bad, and ugly fic floating around, but I see value in it all and love seeing experience/determination help the writer evolve.

We ain’t all Hemingways or Shakespeares. And that’s okay. Some of the best writers don’t have thousands of followers and get hundreds of notes (but deserve them). And some of the behemoths out there aren’t necessarily turning out mind blowing fic, either. It’s a crapshoot and fandom can be fickle (if not downright confusing af).

17) Do you have a story that you look back on and cringe when you reread it?

Not at all. If it posts, I’m happy with it.

18) Do you prefer listening to music when you’re writing or do you need silence?

Either is fine. I probably write more in quiet, though, because my husband works 3rd shift, so I’m mindful not to disturb him.

19) Have you ever cried whilst writing a story?

No. Closest I could say to giving me my own feels was when I wrote The Death of Brock Rumlow (when it existed as part of the original Echo plot).

20) Which part of your Back to One series was the hardest to write?

I’m happy to say I don’t think there’s been a hard part to write for Back To One, or any of my fics. I’ve enjoyed every minute of it!

21) Do you make a general outline for your stories or do you just go with the flow?

Nope. No outlines or plans. I pretty much just sit down and write. If inspiration doesn’t hit, I’ll switch to a different WIP. If I have an idea for a line or scene I might make a note for later (maybe just a few words to point me in the right direction/remind me, or a line or two of dialogue), but once I get to it, I usually just write it out at once.

22) What is something you wished you’d known before you started posting fan-fiction?

How little time I’d have down the road for it. Maybe I wouldn’t have run such long WIPs/fics at a time. It feels like it’s been 100 years since I had time to open requests and I had to abandon a weekly posting schedule for 3 WIPs earlier this year because I just don’t have the time to manage the volume I used to anymore.

23) Do you have a story that you feel doesn’t get as much love as you’d like?

OMG yes! Echo and its companion fic, Jack Rollins (and I’ll probably say the same for the au/the STRIKE series). At this point, I can confidently say the following for Echo didn’t carry over to Jack Rollins, but I knew both were niche fics in the beginning anyway. I’m grateful for the attention Echo got, but it was such a labor of love, I’d have liked to see it do better. I may only have several regular readers for Jack Rollins commenting or reblogging, but those few readers and myself are the ones I wrote it for, and that I’ll keep posting it for until it’s finished, regardless of how tiny the readership because I love it.  

24) In contrast to 23 is there a story which gets lots of love which you kinda eye roll at?

Not in an “oh, geez. Not that again” way. More like a “oh, stop. I can’t believe you guys like it that much” kind of humbled eye roll.

25) Are any of your characters based on real people?

Obviously the celebrities like Chris Evans and Sebastian Stan, technically yeah. I have no doubt that some of my own ticks, experiences, etc have made it into a character or plot, or things from people I know or have come across. Things you don’t necessarily draw lines between on purpose but maybe catch on to later, sure.

26) What’s the biggest compliment you’ve gotten?

Any of the comments or messages from people who say they cried, laughed out loud in public, got way too giddy, or held their breath because of something I wrote.  They make me so happy, just to see someone got so lost or involved in a moment means I did a good job. Having someone say they reread a fic (or are reading for the X time) is a hell of a compliment, too.

27) What’s the harshest criticism you’ve gotten?

It was about A touch Up and how I had given the reader insert character, or implied, too much description (ex. noting that POC don’t blush as often as this girl did, when I wrote it as that feeling in the cheeks anyone can experience to convey her nervousness/embarrassment/etc at those points in the story so people maybe shared that sense as they read, not that she frequently ran around with a noticeable flush) and that, although I may not have said it outright, things like that apparently had made her so that she was obviously white. That ruined it for the commenter, despite there not actually being that much said about appearance in the story.

28) Do you share your story ideas with anyone else or do you keep them close to your chest?

Rarely. @ceebeetumbles gets a snippet of a chapter thrown at her once in a very blue moon, if I want to be sure something isn’t too cliché or generally awful. Lol But there’s a chance she’s reading along with the fic, so I may not send the whole chapter. I don’t plot per se or collaborate with anyone though.

29) Do people know you write fan-fiction?

Just the lovely people who’ve visited me on Tumblr or AO3.

30) What’s you favorite minor character you’ve written?

It’s a toss up between Frank Grillo’s appearance in A Touch Up and Jack Rollins or Eric Mickelson in Echo. I’m also a little fond of Drew Madison in Back To One.

31) What spurs you on during the writing process?

That I told you I’d post an update to a WIP, promised a drabble, or set a deadline that a request would be done by. So, really just my self-imposed “schedule”.

32) What’s your favorite trope to write?

I don’t really have one.

33) Can you remember the first fic you read? What was it about?

Nnnope. Lol

34) If you could write only angst, fluff or smut for the rest of your writing life, which would it be and why?

It’s a toss up between angst and fluff. They both come pretty easily. Honestly, smut is exhausting to write and I do so little of it because I don’t want it to be repetitive. Fluff is always fun. But, man...the possibilities with angst are pretty limitless, so maybe I’d lean a little more that way.

[mustafa-el-fats]

in: Featured, Heading Out On Your Own, Money & Career, Networking, Professional Skills

Brett & Kate McKay • August 9, 2012 • Last updated: September 23, 2020

Managing Your Online Reputation

This article series is now available as a professionally formatted, distraction free paperback or ebook to read offline at your leisure.

All the basic life skills we’ve covered so far in this series have been things that your dad, and even your granddad, had to learn when he left home for the first time too.

But today’s young man faces a new challenge that Pops never encountered: managing his online reputation.

Despite the nascent nature of this skill, I truly believe it’s one of the most important things we’ll talk about in this series. As the line between the offline and online world gets increasingly blurry, your online reputation is your reputation. Before you meet your freshman roommate, before you pick up a date, before you shake the hand of a potential employer…you better believe they’ve already Googled you, already formed a first, first impression about you, your interests, and what kind of person you are. Thus, if you’re not careful and conscious about the content you create online, you can end up shooting yourself in the foot in all areas of your life.

Heading Out on Your Own…And Into a Fishbowl World

Leaving for college or another kind of adventure after high school has long been an exciting and heady time. It’s an age where you’re experimenting with ideas and values, testing new freedoms, meeting new people, and often changing your mind about who you are and what you want out of life. One week you feel one way, and the next you feel another. During this process you often make mistakes, and do bone-headed things that twenty years later will still make you wonder, “What was I thinking?”

Just a decade ago, only you, and a few of your closest friends, would have held the memory of those crazy and sometimes cringe-worthy moments. The only record of them could be found by digging up a private photo album or journal.

Today…it’s a whole new ball game.

Now, everything you do and say can potentially become part of your permanent and public record. Everybody’s got a smartphone and can snap a picture of you anywhere, anytime and post it online. And things that go up online about you and from you can remain there forever. Mistakes you made when you were just 19 can haunt you for the rest of your life. Being a young man used to mean you could entirely reinvent yourself by moving to a new place and making new friends, but now your online reputation will follow you wherever you go.

I don’t mean to sound all doom and gloom about it. But that’s the sobering reality of living in the Internet Age, and it doesn’t help to bury one’s head in the sand and try to whatever that reality away. It absolutely doesn’t mean that college can’t still be the fun, spontaneous experience it’s always been; it just means you need to take a conscious, proactive approach to taking responsibility for what parts of that experience end up online and in the public eye.

Why Is Proactively Managing Your Online Reputation So Important?

One of the greatest things about the internet is that it is a giant pot that people can both add to and take from. This puts the most enormous wealth of knowledge in human history right at our fingertips and provides an endless amount of inspiration that can be added onto and “remixed.”

The downside of the big internet pot, is that the moment you put something into the pot, you pretty much lose all control over it. Many viral embarrassments have started out as something someone just wanted to share with a few good friends. But those friends shared it with their friends, who shared it with their friends…on and on until it ended up on Tosh.O.

There are essentially no guaranteed take backs when it comes to what you put online. You can erase your Facebook status, blog post, comment, tweet, or video, but someone else may very well have already shared it, copied it, taken a screenshot of it, or downloaded the video and reposted it somewhere else. How websites looked on a certain date in time are captured and archived on sites like the WayBack Machine (take a look at AoM circa 2008!). Emails that you thought you deleted forever can still sometimes be retrieved, and just because you deleted an email doesn’t mean the person you sent it to didn’t archive it. If someone else wants to post something of yours, you may not be able to get them to take it down without suing.

All of which is to say, pretty every piece of digital content you create can potentially exist forever. And this digital record can be accessed by any of the 250 million internet users in the US, not to mention the 2 billion online all over the world.

What’s on that record can have a big impact on both your personal and professional life.

Your college’s admissions office may have Googled you when they looked over your application. As soon as your freshman roommate knew you’d be bunking with him, he Googled you. When you network with someone at a party and tell them about your great idea, they’ll Google you later. And 81% of singles say they Google or check the Facebook page of someone before meeting him or her for a date.

Even though only 7% of Americans think their online reputation influences hiring decisions, in reality, 75% of US companies have made an online screening a formal part of the hiring process, 85% of recruiters and HR professionals say that having a positive online reputation influences their hiring decisions, and 70% of recruiters say they have rejected candidates based on something they found about them online. And since those numbers come from a study done in 2009, they’re undoubtedly even higher now.

What kinds of online discoveries cause recruiters and HR personnel to push your resume to the trash? This chart shows the most common red flags employers look for:

As you can see, it’s not just content you create that employers are checking out, it’s stuff your friends and colleagues post too. Be careful who you associate with.

Some young folks may be tempted to respond by saying, “Well, if a company is going to reject me for posting pictures of my drunken revelry, I wouldn’t want to work for them anyway.” But that’s pretty short-sighted. I’d venture to say that these companies aren’t rejecting candidates so much because they like to drink or swear, but rather that their willingness to show off these behaviors publicly shows a lack of judgment and wisdom. Not at all an unreasonable assumption.

The information that new friends and potential employers can find about you online may not even be true. Some people will try to verify it, some will not. And what they see will often come without any context – maybe you were being funny, maybe it’s an inside joke, but they won’t know that, they’ll simply make immediate judgments about what they find. This is why when it comes to managing your online reputation, you must be both proactive and defensive — deleting anything inappropriate,  wisely choosing the digital content you create, and purposefully creating positive content about yourself.

Self-Reflect Before You Self-Reveal

“Young people in particular often self-reveal before they self-reflect. There is no eraser button today for youthful indiscretion.” –James Steyer

There are some practical ways to manage your online reputation, and we’ll get to them in a moment. But the first step in taking responsibility for your online presence is creating a mindset for how you want to approach your online life.

Matt Ivester, the author of lol..OMG! (despite the silly-sounding title, this is actually a great book, with solid advice from the guy who learned about online reputation management firsthand from his misadventures in founding Juicycampus.com), suggests three questions to ask yourself before you put something online:

1. Why are you doing this?

Why? This is the most important question of all, and one that unfortunately usually goes unasked and uncontemplated.

Today’s colleges are welcoming the first “digital natives:” they’ve never known a time when the internet wasn’t a huge part of their lives. And even for those who are old enough to have used encyclopedias for elementary-school research papers, interacting and participating online has become so ubiquitous that it’s hard to imagine that life was ever any other way. This is just how things are, and we do what everyone else is doing, so much so that we hardly ever ask why we are doing those things.  Once we do start asking why, the answers are surprisingly hard to come up with and articulate.

Why do you update your status or share a link on Facebook? Do you want to share news? Are you bored? Do you want to be thought clever? Are you trying to make someone else jealous? Do you want to see if people feel the same way as you? Why?

Why do you care how many likes or upvotes something you submit on Facebook or Reddit gets? Is it confirmation that you shared something with value? Why?

Why do you leave comments on blog posts? Do you want the author of the blog to know that you appreciated the article? Do you think you have the insight to add that might help another reader? Do you want the author to know how and why they are wrong? Why? What do you hope to accomplish? Do you think it will change their mind? Is it because the psychological angst you feel when you think someone is wrong needs to be discharged? Why?

Why do you participate in online forums? Does it provide a feeling of camaraderie? Do you like to hear others’ opinions? Why do you respond when you think those opinions are wrong? Why do you care what a stranger thinks about you? Why?

When you ponder the why behind creating any kind of online content, from a status update to a YouTube video, you may come up with a reason that you find satisfactory and worthwhile. Or you may find that your motivation is hard to make sense of and decide it’s not worth your time. Either way, by asking why, you’ll become what Ivester calls “a conscious creator of content.”

2. Is now the right time?

The internet creates a perfect storm for impulse control: at the same time that it actively solicits impulsive communication and make satisfying those impulses incredibly easy, it makes taking back the results of those impulses incredibly difficult; it’s easy to hit “send” or “submit,” and quite hard to un-send and un-submit something.

Facebook asks, “What’s on your mind?” while Twitter wants to know “What’s happening?” They owe their existence to people’s desire to share their thoughts, videos, and photographs – and they need to be constantly fed to survive and grow and make money. And blogs (including ours) want to engage readers and build community and so ask for comments. The internet is set up to encourage you to share whatever thought crosses your mind, and taking that thought from your cranium to the walls and screens of the digital world only takes a few clicks.

But just because you can share your thoughts on impulse doesn’t mean you should. Not only because you probably haven’t thought through the why behind wanting to share first, but because strong impulses are usually born from strong emotions: anger, depression, and grief, or from chemically-altered states (like being drunk). When you spout off and share personal feelings while emotional or trashed, you will likely come to regret it once those strong emotions fade or you sober up.

The best thing to do when you feel you’re dealing with an impulse to put something online that you might regret later, is just to sit on it. The internet creates a false sense of immediacy, giving you an overwhelming feeling that you have to respond now. But what you’ll find is that something that felt super urgent and mega important to say in the moment, will seem totally pointless when you wake up the next morning.

One method I use to thwart impulsive responses is to imagine myself living before the internet. If I feel a burning urge to tell the author of an article what a chucklehead he is, I think of reading a magazine in the 80s, and how I would have had no outlet to express my opinion about it besides writing up a letter to the editor or talking to my wife or close friends about it. Or if something annoys me and I want to rant about it on Facebook, I think of a time before Facebook when I would have had no choice but to keep my rant to myself. It makes me realize that just as sharing whatever crosses your mind wasn’t necessary then, it’s not necessary now. The fine-folks of the 80s, while they made some questionable fashion-choices, weren’t any less happy than we are now that we’re able to shout what we’re feeling and thinking to everyone 24/7.

3. How controversial do you want to be?

The younger generation  (including those my age) was raised with a lot of rhetoric about how special and unique they are, how important it is to be “authentic,” and that it’s good to be “transparent.” This can lead folks to throw caution to wind about what they share online because, “I’m just trying to be me! And if other people don’t like it, they can bite me!”

But just because you can now display your opinions and personality to a greater number of people than ever before, doesn’t mean you should, or that the more you share, the more authentic you are. Going back to my suggestion of thinking about life before the internet, people used to only be able to share their quirks with a close circle of family and friends, and they weren’t any less themselves than we are (actually they were probably more themselves since they didn’t get instant feedback on all of their quirks).

Examining the meaning of authenticity isn’t within the purview of this post (although it will be a future series), but suffice it to say for now that the ideal for many of the great men of the past was not transparency, but sprezzatura – only revealing themselves to others slowly as a relationship of trust developed. You may want to “be yourself” by trumpeting your religious, social, and political beliefs online every chance you get, but if those meme’s you keep flooding Facebook with is the only thing new acquaintances know about you, they may decide they don’t want to get to know you before they even do — they’ll miss the complexity of your character that would have shown through over time…that you’re both a liberal and a rabid gun owner, or a fervent Christian and a scientist, or a zealous vegetarian and a Marine.

The three questions above can go a long way to helping you judiciously choose what and what not to post online. A final question to consider is what the general public might think of the content if for some reason what you post went viral or you were suddenly thrust into national prominence. Would it embarrass your family? What impression would a stranger have of it? You and your friends might think it’s funny, but would others find it offensive? You never know who’s going to see your post, what’s going to be dug up on you later, and who might be looking at your phone.

How to Manage Your Online Reputation

Managing your online reputation involves both deleting content you don’t want out there and creating content you do. Follow the steps below that Ivester and others have suggested, and complete each step right after you read it. This is the kind of thing that’s easy to put off indefinitely. Do it now.

1. Google yourself.

Before you can know what actions to take to manage your online reputation, you need to know what’s already out there. To do this, first deactivate Google’s customized search – when you typically do a Google search, the results Google brings up are based on things like your location, what you’ve clicked on before, and things your friends like. But you want to see what would come up if someone else searched for you. Here’s how to take off the customized search feature.

If you have a common name like “Rob Smith,” then search for your name with a qualifier like, “Rob Smith St. Louis,” or “Rob Smith Tulane University.”

After you look at Google’s results for you, check out other search engines like Bing and Yahoo as well.

When you look at the results that come up for your name, try to imagine what conclusions someone might reach about you if they had no other context for that content, and knew nothing else about you.

2. Try to remove content that you don’t want showing up in search results anymore.

After you do a search for yourself, it’s time to try to delete things that showed up that you’d rather not have out there anymore. Maybe you signed up for an internet forum with your real name. Maybe you left a comment on a blog post under your real name. Maybe you wrote a review or a blog post that you now feel is too controversial. Some of these things you can delete yourself.

If you can’t delete something yourself, like a blog post comment on another person’s blog, then try to contact the owner of the site to see if they will remove it for you. They may or may not, but the nicer you are about it, the greater the chance of them helping you, so make your request as civil and appreciative as possible.

If you can’t find the contact information for the site owner, try the site WHOis. Website registrars are required to publish the contact information for the person who registered the domain. Oftentimes when you look up a site on WHOis, you’ll find that the owner has decided to keep their direct contact information private and have instead given a proxy email address. Either way, your email will end up in the same place.

Understand that even if you’re successful at removing the offending content from a site, it may take a few days or even weeks before it’s reflected in search engine results. Also, understand that the offending item really hasn’t “gone away.” There’s a chance that it has been archived on the WayBack Machine. Remember, what’s put on the internet stays on the internet forever.

Moving forward, be extremely judicious when using your real name online.

3. Proactively create a positive first impression online.

Your best bet in managing your online reputation is proactively creating positive content about yourself that pushes the bad stuff off of the first few pages of search engines. Set up accounts with large social networking sites that typically rank high on Google and other search engines. Twitter, LinkedIn, Facebook, and Google+ profiles are often on the first page when you look up someone’s name. Set up accounts with them and post stuff that you’d be proud to have your name associated with.

The best thing you can do to ensure positive stuff associated with your name is at the top of search results is to start a blog and update it regularly. If you can, try to secure a domain name with your given name for your blog. What should you write about on your blog? You can publish your resume (redacting phone numbers and addresses, of course), write posts sharing insights in an expertise you might have, or use it to create a portfolio of your work if you’re a freelancer. Whatever it is, make sure it’s stuff you want associated with your name.

Cross-link your blog and all your social networking profiles together: put your link to Facebook and Twitter on your blog, a link to your LinkedIn profile and blog on your Facebook account, and so on.

Even if you don’t plan on using Twitter or Google+ or even putting anything on your blog, it doesn’t hurt to have your name registered with those accounts and domain. You don’t want some Joe Schmo mucking up your good name with a bunch of crazy online antics.

4. Adjust privacy settings on Facebook and clean up your Facebook Profile.

To ensure that potential employers or love interests only see the best of you when they look you up on Facebook, make the following adjustments:

First, take a look at how your profile page looks to the public. If you see any information visible that you don’t want strangers to see, make a note of it.

To change what’s visible on your profile page, click “About.”

Click “Edit” on the next page.  On each segment select “Friends” if you don’t want anybody who’s not your FB friend to see a particular piece of information. For networking reasons, I’ve left my job and school information visible to the public.

Visit the Facebook Privacy Settings page and adjust all your privacy settings so only your friends can see photos and status updates you make.

On the privacy settings page, update what your friends can share about you under “Timeline and Tagging.” Enable the ability to review and approve posts or photos that you are tagged in before they’re published on your Timeline. You can also disable Facebook’s tag suggestion when your friends upload photos that look like you. You don’t want your name tagged in an unflattering photo or post.

While you’re on the privacy settings page, limit who can see posts from the past. Even if you used to post everything publicly, this will retroactively make those posts private.

Review the photos that you’re tagged in and untag yourself from any unflattering photos. While you’re at it, you might ask your friend to remove the photo if it’s something you don’t want out there. Even if you’re not tagged in the pic, it could come back to haunt you.

Leave groups and unlike pages that may be seen as controversial…or just dumb. At least set the privacy settings on them so only your FB friends can see the pages you like.  how.

5. Be more conscious of what you share and whom you share it with on Facebook.

Ask the three questions we covered above before posting something on Facebook. That will save you a lot of grief.

Also, take into account if what you’re about to share is appropriate and relevant to ALL your Facebook friends. You don’t need to share your weekend plans with your old boss and former professors. In real life, you adjust what you talk about depending on your company — do the same on Facebook. Create lists on Facebook for close family/friends, acquaintances, professional colleagues, people that are the same religion as you, people you enjoy talking politics with, etc. Before posting something, ask yourself if this is something all your friends would be interested in or is better for a specific list of your friends. And even if you’re only posting for a list of close friends, still keep in mind what others would think if that status or photo got shared with people outside the list. It could happen.

6. Create strong passwords for your accounts.

If the recent story of tech writer Mat Honan’s online life being completely demolished by hackers doesn’t motivate you to strengthen your online security, then I don’t know what will. Create strong passwords for all your accounts and change them every six months. A strong password is at least 8 characters long and includes at least one special character (&!#) and both upper and lower case letters. Your passwords shouldn’t be the same for all your accounts. To manage all your passwords, use an app like LastPass.

To reduce the chance of getting hacked, enable two step authentication. Here’s how to do it on Google (if you use Gmail) and Facebook.

7. Use passwords on your laptop and mobile devices. 

An unattended laptop or mobile device provides a devilish opportunity for friends or random strangers to mess with your online life. I know several people who had to do a lot of scrambling to recover from an offensive tweet sent from an unattended iPhone by a mischievous friend. Avoid that. Enable password protection on all your mobile devices.

8. Set up a Google Alert for your name. 

Keep your finger on the pulse of what’s said about you on the web by setting up a Google Alert for yor name.  Just enter your name as a search query and Google Alert will email you a digest once a week (or daily if you want) of all the new content that’s hit the web with your name in it.

Conclusion

The internet is an amazing educational, social, and networking tool — you just need to use it wisely. Using it too little can be just as damaging to your personal and professional life as using it too much. Be a “conscious content creator” and use sound wisdom and judgement in deciding where you personally want to draw the line between your public and private life.

Any other tips on managing your online reputation? Share them with us in the comments (only after asking yourself why you’re commenting and making sure it’s the right time, of course)!

 

Related Articles

Going Undercover: How to Protect Your Privacy Online

Being a Gentleman in the Age of the Internet: 6 Ways to Bring Civility Online

Escape the Algorithm!

3 Ways You Should Never Start an Online Comment

16 Ways to Support the Art of Manliness in 2016

How to Support and Follow the Art of Manliness

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[an-inbetween-place]

12. Return

12:48 AM

Guess that didn’t last long, huh?

I was so close to deleting both blogs associated with this email address and starting with a clean slate. But despite the immense amounts of cringe I experienced from scrolling through this blog, I feel like it would be too much of a loss. To miss out on all those past posts/the memories they conjure up simply because of embarrassment.

So we’ll try this again, right? (I wholeheartedly understand that this reads like a bad fanfiction but I cannot stop myself 🤷🏻‍♀️good thing this isn’t my day job...)

At the risk of sounding like the first five minutes of a terrible romcom, so many things have changed.

As I type, I’m now 26 years old - a real adult, with a whole ass job and a 401K. We’re* even on the brink of purchasing real estate (and along with that a M O R T A G E - spelling it like that makes it less scary, right?).

SO, not like it’s anything that we don’t know but I graduated from NYU in 2016 (NOT with honors, thank you very much ... me) but with a major in computer science and a minor in web programming/applications (..so more computer science). We spent exactly 1 month job hunting (got our offer from bluewolf on the 1 month mark after graduation) and have spent the last four and a half years making money for the man. Halfway through that, the IBM acquisition went through and we went up in salary but went down in culture/coworkers/anything fun. 

There weren’t only bad times though. We managed to squeeze in a free trip to Morocco (along with comp’ed flights to Barcelona + the Canary Islands) and have made some great friendships along the way (cue the sparks and melodic background music). 

It makes me immensely sad at this moment to think about how one day, I may be scrolling through this blog and no longer in close communication with Mickey/Swati/other Bluewolf friends. I know that it’s probably going to happen (given the natural course things take - i.e. what’s happened with Leo, Mary, Shelby, Caitlin, Emily -- pps, this makes it sound like something terrible happened, which it did NOT, life just goes on) but I just wanted to note this brief moment of sadness.

In addition to that brief moment of sadness, I also regret not keeping up with this habit/not picking this up during.. let’s phrase them as ‘highlight’ moments of my life. If only I had a post - no matter how brief - during graduation, first day at work, first vacation, really good days, really bad days...

Since we don’t have that - here’s a quick rundown.

Graduation - 2016, super sunny, Yankee stadium did NOT have enough shade (I got sunburnt on my nose), super hectic afterwards, felt like something was happening in my mind/body but I couldn’t really tell what it was (like a feeling of something building up), hopped on a flight to Puerto Rico, first family vacation overseas!, June had to do something for work so everyone was tense, but it was a great week or so

Job Hunting - 2016, super nervous/scared, got really good at getting on the phone immediately after waking up from a nap, thought I crushed a interview - didn’t get it, got crushed by an interview - left the building in the elevator crying, and finally things fell into place

Working! Romas Regime - 2016, super scared of code review and being accepted by the rest of the devs, super scared about being able to complete the ask(s), learned so much, had a weird crush on K/L?

Working! Niki/Kate Regime - 201?-2018, had it under control, considered job hunting?, maybe this was the golden age...

Working! TD Regime - 2018-2019, big shift to full time/classic services client/traveling, DEF had a .. i’m not going to demean myself and say it was weird - crush on S (weirdly had a dream involving him the other night...my feelings did not get returned even in dream form.. that’s rough, buddy), got REAL close to mickey (yay :’) ), def had a lil blossoming crush on A (is it a crush if I just want to wrap him up in a blanket and keep him safe? mans is a sweetheart), learned my lesson about eating out all the time.. lol

Working! 2020 - pandemic vibes, we’ll definitely be getting into this more (in future posts? optimistic but I think I can carry that out), working from queens home is pretty sweet but that division between home + work has disappeared (a easy thing to give up in a hard year), no boss regime!, not good for career growth (aka me flip flopping between feeling guilty about this and not caring)

Just right now, figured out a hack in inserting bullet points since I was too lazy to look up the HTML for it... still got it

I knew this was going to blossom into a.. unsurmountable task once I started. I’ll have to go into more detail in future posts. HOWEVER, the reason I wanted to get back into writing posts today was because I was ~~~reminiscing~~~ about 2020.

Obviously it’s been a hard year. I can’t even begin to describe how it felt back in March -- how I woke up in a panic that grey and rainy Friday morning, fretting over buying groceries because that was the only thing I could control. The sheer defeat I felt when I got to TJs and the line was down the block. The ease and relaxation I felt when I finally got home that Saturday morning.. it felt like my entire chest was opening up.

But the sheer fact that what I’m describing is just around the fear of covid and not about loss or sickness or job security says a lot. And the fact that I felt like I had to say that on a personal blog that literally no one reads (and I’d like to keep it that way, thank you) says a lot about the guilt I feel with my privilege during this year (not that I’m trying NOT to feel guilty.. I am cool living with it).

But my conversations with Sharon lately/the posts I’ve been seeing online pushed me to write/reflect on this. A lot of good has happened for/to me this year! And I want to put it into words and celebrate it.

Here we go again with the bullets hack:

Weight Loss - I really never thought I’d be able to accomplish all the work I’ve done so far. We started in July 2019 at 174 pounds and today I weighed in at 135 pounds. Let’s cut ourselves a break and give us that last pound.. that’s 40 pounds! 

Fitness - This basically goes hand in hand with the last point but I’m also .. shocked with where I’m at today. I can run a few miles, no problem. I feel good! during my run. I know even if I feel poorly, I’ll get back on the starting line and have the potential for a great run - and even if the next one isn’t, it’s still a run in the books! I know what a figure four stretch, a lateral squat, a romanian deadlift, a bear crawl, what all those things are now! 

Family - I’ve spent a TON of time with my parents/family this year (it’s been my only social interaction really). It’s hard at times sure - I miss certain things from last year/pre-covid thats FOR SURE - but it’s nice to spend time with my parents as a ... ‘adult’. It’s nice for us to have this time together.. and for us to be able to make these memories. 

It’s late now (lol that depends on your POV) so I’ll leave those bullets as summaries and go into further detail later on. I do want to say, I’m glad I’m doing this. As cringy as it will be to reread, I’m glad to have this down and appreciative of the reflection.

1:35 AM

*P.S. (the ROYAL) we are aware that we’re popping between the use of ‘I’ and ‘we’ here... it’s a thing we do now. It’ll make us cringe in the future, WE KNOW

[katranga]

Disclaimer: Fic is just for fun. Nobody on ao3, or tumblr, or wherever, is expecting perfection. Most of these tips are gonna take a little extra time and effort to implement, and if you don’t feel like doing that, because you just wanna post the darn thing? Go for it! I’m not here to tell you what to do, and I’m certainly not saying that your writing is bad if you don’t follow these tips. These are just suggestions that will hopefully help you improve your work, if that’s what you’re after.

Intro: Why Revise?

To kick things off, I’d like to go over the importance of revision!! This is more of a general writing tip, but it’s a great starting point, because I DON’T want you to be thinking about most of my future tips while you’re writing the first draft. 

I want you to get. those. words. on. the. page! That’s all you should be worried about when you’ve got a blank page staring you in the face. 

There’s so much pressure to get writing right the first time, but I’m here to tell you that’s pretty much impossible. So, pressure’s off! Just write the basics so you get to know your story first. I

I know it seems like writing it perfectly will save you editing/revising time later on, but you can’t revise—let alone post—what you don’t have written because you’re stuck on one line that doesn’t sound just right. You with me so far? Great!

Honestly, writing gets so much faster when you remind yourself that no one is going to see your first draft!

So I cannot overstate the importance of revision.

Because guess what? Everything you don’t like about your first draft can be fixed in revision!

Okay. What is it?

To clarify, when I say first draft, I don’t mean the stuff you do in high school, where you write out a shitty essay on paper first and then type it up basically the same, just to prove to the teacher you wrote a first draft?? Or whatever.

I mean you just write the absolute basics of your story down, and fill in the rest and perfect it later (I’ll go into detail about how exactly to do that in my motivation post).

Now, grammar, spelling, and overall readability, are all important things to fix before you post. But that’s little stuff, and your word processor will be able to pick up on some of that, and just rewording a few sentences to make them clearer probably won’t take too much effort on your end (though I am gonna have a post about filler words and clarity and stuff like that, so if that tends to be a problem for you, I gotchu).

Besides basic grammar/spelling, most of what I change as my first draft transforms into my second or third is: 

Improving the flow of a scene (it can’t all be dialogue, unfortunately)

Pacing throughout the fic (are they falling love too fast? is this scene too long? etc)

Overall clarity (I know why the character did that, but will the reader?)

It may be different for you. Basically, you’re polishing up whatever you didn’t worry about writing the first draft.

My first drafts, for example? They’re 80% dialogue. Because that’s my favourite! And that’s what comes to me when I’m dreaming up fics. But then I go back later and beef up the rest—the characters’ movements in a scene, their inner dialogue, description etc.

Because as much as I love dialogue, scenes feel empty and too-fast with just characters talking. Similarly, scenes can feel bogged down and slow with just characters thinking about things.

But revision isn’t just about adding things! Sometimes you need to take stuff out. Inner dialogue that later gets covered by dialogue? Cut it. (Or vice versa—maybe the detail isn’t important enough for the characters to talk about, and just the mention of it within the narration is enough).

The point is, repetition needs to go. The reader rarely needs to be told the same thing twice.

Quick example from the top of my head:

Lance had lost his jacket. He’d looked over the whole castle for it, but couldn’t find it anywhere. His brother gave him that jacket. One of his last ties to Earth, and it was missing in action.

Maybe Keith took it to spite him, that jerk.

“What’s up, Lance?” Hunk asked when he passed him in the hall.

“I lost my jacket!” Lance said. “My signature jacket, the one Marco gave me! I’ve looked everywhere, but it’s gone. Do you think Keith stole it?”

Same information twice: Lance can’t find his brother’s jacket despite a thorough search, and suspects Keith stole it. No reason to repeat that. Something’s gotta go.

I know cutting stuff isn’t fun. You worked hard on that! You spent hours/days/whatever perfecting a sentence until it gleamed like a diamond, and now just because you thought of a better way to get that information across you have to get rid of it? No way!

I’ve been there, trust me. But hanging on just slows down the whole writing process. Because, for me at least, I know when stuff needs to go, or needs a massive overhaul, or whatever. I’m just digging my heels in because I don’t wanna do any additional work.

Luckily, this is where your shitty first draft comes in handy! If all you did was spit words onto the page as soon as they entered your head, then you didn’t spend a lot of back-breaking effort on whatever you need to cut! And what you need to cut isn’t anything awe-inspiring, it’s just your rough notes, so tossing it aside isn’t nearly as stressful!

Remember, you can always save scenes/dialogue/etc in a separate document! Maybe you’ll be able to salvage some it later. Alternatively, create separate versions of the doc as you edit/revise. If you end up actually needing part of a deleted scene, you’ve still got it somewhere!

And please, never think of the stuff you cut (or fics you never finished) as “wasted time”. Writing time is never wasted! You’re practicing, you’re honing your craft, and even if some bits never see the light of day, you’re still benefitting from all that work you did!

Now, I know I know I know most people edit/revise as they write. Can’t think of the next scene? Reread the previous scene and fiddle with it until something comes to you. That’s great! Revising already written material is loads better than just staring at your screen!

BUT I’ve recently started writing the whole gosh darn diddly thing without looking back and that is so much faster! While I highly recommend it, that’s obviously difficult to do when you don’t know what’s going to happen next in the fic.

Or if you just don’t have the motivation. So! That’ll be our next topic: Getting words on the page!

But for now, I’ve got an example under the cut, as well as additional resources and links if you want to learn more about revision!

Here’s where I take an old embarrassing fic of mine and revise it, hopefully clarifying the points I’ve been making, as well as proving that only practice makes better!

Okay so this is an excerpt of one of my unpublished fics from 2011. I’m just gonna be honest with you here, it was a Twilight human!AU where Edward was a massive nerd. 

For background, Bella has been at the new school like a week and is appalled at the bullying happening to Edward, who she barely knows. (It’s first person bc that’s how the books were written. Just deal with it.)

Here we go:

“They gave him a swirly yesterday,” I announced, appalled.

“Who?”

“Edward!”

Jessica shrugged, unaffected. “Nothing new.”

“Well what are they, twelve?” I demanded angrily.

“He kind of needed a hair wash,” Mike muttered.

Snorts of amusement followed.

“Stuffing his head into a toilet is not funny,” I argued.

“Yes it is, Bella,” Alice chuckled.

“Kay, next time we go to the bathroom, I’ll shove your head into a toilet,” I offered. “And we’ll all laugh about it.”

This was a whole scene, I kid you not. Now, this isn’t bad because it’s just dialogue. It’s ten lines. That’s a reasonable amount of space for a quick dialogue exchange. HOWEVER, there’s about four people in this scene, so the dialogue tags are a little sparse. ALSO, this is the first time Bella’s bringing her concerns about Edward to the group, so there should be more inner reflection on that.

Overall, it’s just way too minimalist lol. So  this is a good example to beef up.

First of all: where the fuck are we? Notice how no setting was given? Not the greatest habit to get into. If it’s already been established in the fic where people are, and the setting’s not that important, I guess you can skip it, but a quick mention isn’t gonna hurt. You don’t want the reader confused!

Since this a Twilight fic, let’s say they’re in the caf. (In Voltron fics, you’re probably gonna be on the ship, but you can always mention what room they’re in. Or, if it’s a new planet, give a line or two of description).

Explanations for changes I made are in [square brackets]:

I tossed my lunch tray onto the table before throwing myself onto the chair next to Alice. “They gave him a swirly yesterday.”

[Indicated setting. Also implied she was feeling “appalled” using verbs instead of outright stating it. Showing not telling!]

Across from me, Angela looked up from the sandwich she was picking at. “Who?”

[Indicated who was speaking—always important—as well as gave brief description of speaker].

“Edward,” I said like it should be obvious. I scanned the cafeteria for him, but the corner he usually sat in alone was empty.

[Another mention of setting. Also backed up her concern for Edward with action and not just talking about him].

Jessica shrugged, unaffected. “So what?”

“So?” I repeated incredulously.

So I’d never heard of someone actually getting a swirly. In real life. Shitty teen dramas? Yeah. Actual high school? No. It was ridiculous, and gross, and… I hadn’t seen anything to indicate Edward deserved it. (Nobody who’d ever deserved a swirly had ever received one, I was sure).

[The almighty character motivation! Note that you don’t actually have to explicitly state why they’re doing something—obviously we as the reader know the deep-down motivation is because Bella cares for Edward. But characters are not always forthcoming with information, even to themselves. Right now she’s focusing on the unjustness of the situation, and partially trying to convince herself that’s all it is].

Mike slung an arm across the back of Jessica’s chair, snorting a laugh. “He needed to wash his hair, anyway.”

“A toilet’s not gonna do that, Mike!”

[Just a cleverer response. Also, a dialogue tag isn’t needed, because no other speaker at the table is gonna be defending Edward. We know it’s Bella.]

He ignored my glare, choosing instead to steal a fry off my plate. I smacked his hand away.

[Again—action. The characters aren’t just static in their seats.]

“Well, really,” Alice began. “What’s it matter?” She sat up sharply, an idea just now occurring to her. “You haven’t been making friends with him, have you? I told you, Bella, it’s social suicide!”

[Gives Alice a chance to respond to Bella’s outburst—in this AU Alice is very concerned with popularity and does not want Bella associating with Edward. She would definitely have a problem with Bella sympathizing with Edward.]

I rolled my eyes. “No, I just…”

The whole situation was ridiculous. This wasn’t how people should be treated. Was I the only one who realized that? Was I really the only one who cared?

“Whatever,” I grumbled, crunching down on a fry.

[This feels like a more natural resolution to the conversation. Alice directly asks why Bella cares, and Bella reiterates to herself it’s just because. And then decides it’s not worth the argument. This is 2k into an (unfinished) 30k fic. She’ll make a bigger deal out of stuff later.]

Now it looks more like a real scene! 

So, to summarize, I added: Description—both setting and character! Character musing! Cleverer comebacks! 

These are just some of the things that you can fix with a keen-eyed round of revision.

--

And that about wraps this up! I didn’t want this to get too long, but it did anyway. (I’m sorry about the graphics I’m a writer, not a graphic designer. But I had to split the post up so it wasn’t one big block of text)

Was any of that helpful? Was it too long? Did the example clarify things? Let me know, I wanna make sure these tips are helpful!

--

Additional Resources That I Highly Recommend:

DRAFTING: THE THEORY OF SHITTY FIRST DRAFTS -- This post probably explains shitty first drafts better than I ever could! If you still have concerns about it, definitely check it out.

Editing & Revision Answerathon -- Okay, this video is pretty long, but I looove Max Kirin for anything writing-related and especially revision!! They’ve got a tumblr and a Youtube account filled with writing tips! If you like getting your writing info through videos, definitely check out their stuff.

Top 5 Writing Tips: Revision -- Here’s an infographic by Max if you don’t want to watch a 44 minute video lol. Also, you can go through their /tagged/revision for more!