#we went to zion which was one of the most beautiful places ive ever been

[citrlet]

pics from my utah trip!

[omegacunt-blog]

my view of time with the love of my life.

im sad i hate my home im moving to christchurch i know it will hurt my girl but its best for me and we have been distant already as it is "babe we need to talk" yes we do im leaving you and moving to christchurch im sorry but its best for me right now "i cheated on you when do you want your things" i knew then that i wasnt going to love again fuck that i packed my shit only 1 bag and got the next flight to christchurch i met my father at the airport and went back to his place we got a pack of smokes and went for a walk into the cbd because i told him i like walking we walked for hours talking about how we have been and what we do for fun we get to a giant arch thing and he see's one of his friends so i sit down and start scrolling instagram i was posting angry shit about my ex cheating on me blah blah and i figured i need new friends so i start following people and i come across this one page of this chick with red hair "wow she is really hot no way id have a chance with her ill try it anyway" we ended up going home and i stalked her instagram all night because i couldnt sleep she was really cute holy hell 3 days past and i was talking to the girls i had things with and i started to feel un satisfyed i got nudes every day from like 6 people how could i not be satisfyed i finally get some balls and message her but what do i say i said the most amazingly horrible opener "do you like memes" oh god ive fucked it im really weird somehow it worked we are talking now i dont remember what we said exactly but all i remember is getting her number right away and telling her we are in an extremely open no ties relationship which somehow worked it was really weird we started talking about neither of us ever liking each other we talked about how much we liked drinking we talked about our music i loved talking to her i soon found myself spending all day and night talking to her and thinking about her and finding myself at burgerking using the wifi just so i could keep talking to her i drank alot and i eventually ended up cutting my girls off without knowing i cant say i missed them because it would be a lie she was all i thought about it soon came time to meet her and i remember drinking a whole bottle of jagermeister and smoking a bit to get some confidence wow she is beautiful in person i wanna get close to her i want to talk to her all night i tried showing off to impress her like a 9 year old kid with a crush im writing this now with that same crush we were walking back to her house and i was still showing off i ended up getting arrested so i fucked with the cops for a bit before i got put in cuffs and taken home i put my foot out the car door and they both spent 20 minutes trying to put it in the car i almost told them i was carrying a knife i talked about her the whole way home and as soon as i got home i walked an hour to her house where she made me sit on the lawn because she didnt trust me it was okay i was fine with just being there she came and sat next to me and she asked me if i liked being scratched and she started scratching my left arm it kinda hurt but i liked it because she was doing it **it also why i burn the skin off my left arm** her friend started running around with a shopping cart and she kissed me on the cheek it was the first time ive been kissed on the cheek and it felt amazing i dont know why i just stared at her and said "oh" i was speechless and then we went inside and sat for a couple hours before i left and she told me to hug her so i did and i left feeling extremely happy i walked an hour in the wrong direction and then eventually got home i fell asleep right away thinking about her we continued to hang out for another 2 weeks and then she came around to my place and we drank and smoked cigarettes with her friend zion and we ended up cuddling for a couple hours before she left i hated it when she left 3 days later i watched her be with another guy it ripped me apart everytime i seen them kiss i hated the fact that she even sat close to him i was extremely jealous i think its easy to say jealousy is my biggest weakness it eats me alive its caused many of my scars and its the reason behind my anxiety and trust issues that day was the day we started going down hill i told her i loved her and i had feelings for her and she returned them i asked her out and she turned me down it really hurt and it took her 2 days for an explanation "i want to be with you and i will soon i promise just wait" and thats what i did i waited and watched her be with another it really hurt me that she could say all these things to me and then turn around and do things with another guy it should be me if she doesnt like him why is she doing this with him and not me i want it i deserve it she ends up getting high and she turned into a different person she told me to come see her so i walked an hour and a half and all i got when i got there was "dude just leave me alone im to high for this i dont want to see you" i told her i was done i cant love her if she doesnt love me oh but she says she does but where is the actual love? i dont feel it all i feel is disgust **thats why i dont like her smoking weed** i walked an hour and a half home after not seeing her and being told to leave her alone i was angry so i shut myself off for 2 days and when i finally texted her back i went over to her house i didnt know that would be the last time id see her she was upset and she sat on her chair in silence so i sat on the floor and we were silent for a while before she came and hugged me i hate myself for not hugging her back she was hurt and i knew it but all i could think about was how angry what she said made me i was closed off we said nothing the whole time untill i got uo and said goodbye and jumped out her window i didnt even look at her as i left i hated it after that day everything is black all i did was drink my pain away eventually she decided it was time to cut me off "its best for you" she said i felt hurt i felt betrayed i was angry not at her but at myself if i had of done things differently it wouldve been better we wouldve worked i tried for weeks to get her back but failed every time i ended up having drinks with her friend i met at sparks in the park which was another time that i hated but loved i was with her i loved it but she kissed a guy infront of me i hated that **i didnt know he was gay at the time** and she ignored me most of the night unless she wanted me to stand behind her so she felt hidden and then she ditched me anyway back to the drinks i remember aysia telling me to invite pagan and i didnt have the courage to tell aysia i ruined everything with her so i just said "nah she is probably busy she wont wanna come here" from then onwards for the next 3 months was also black it was a spiral of alcohol and bad decisions my life was fucked up and all i wanted was for her to text me saying she still loved me i moved into a new house in pegasus and i noticed she unblocked me i messaged her and she said "leave me alone i dont want to talk to you im tryna hold it down for a nigga" and then she blocked me that really fucking hurt i started burning myself for the first time and drank every day there was alot of parties i had alot of alcohol drank but not once was i able to move on or forget about her i got home from driving one night and i had a text from her i nearly died from excitement she is finally back my life is finally happy again "well heres hoping we never meet huh? -your not so friendly demon (aka the guy who doesnt think with his dick and is with pagan and wants to make you choke on your teeth" that was the most painful text i ever got in my life not only did i get proof she had moved on but he wanted to hurt me for some reason did she say i hurt her? did she talk shit about me? i hated it i blocked her number and punched a hole in my wall the drinking continued the pain got worse untill months later she messaged me on instagram apologising for everything i was hesitant to let her back into my life i had to think about it she broke me many times already am i willing to go through everything again i never stopped loving her we talked about how our lives were things were good it took 1 hour for me to get hurt again when i found out she was still with **my not so friendly demon** i hated that and i hated seeing photos of them together and him talking shit to me and seeing them love each other and hearing her talking about doing things to him i was jealous notice a patern? something happened and she left him and i asked her out she was finally going to be mine she said yes im so happy everything is amazing this is why i love her i love her for the good times and i still love her through the bad i remember sharing a tiny bed i hated it i was embarrassed but she put up with it for me i remember first having sex with her ill never forget how uncomfortable it made her she hated sex but she tried it with me the first 2 times we had sex i didnt cum but i made sure she did i didnt care if i got no pleasure as long as she did i was happy i loved cuddling with her drinking with her smoking with her i loved listening to music with her talking to her everything she loved my niece and that meant alot to me ive never been happier in my life and she gave that to me i cant thank her enough i remember how it felt to cuddle her how it felt when we had sex it was amazing she was the best fuck ive ever had and i couldnt get enough i wouldnt to fuck her all the time i wanted to cuddle constantly i wanted to see her laugh every day i wanted to listen to her talk for hours i never wanted anything to end but it had to a piece of me died everytime she left my house i remember our first argument it was about me talking about the past i miss everything the kisses hugs sex the cuddling the waking up in the morning and seeing her face and hearing her say i love you as the first thing we went for a walk one day to the beach after having sex and we just walked and held hands for hours untill we went home that was my happiest day on earth and id rather keep the things about that day to myself for a future story im not going to go into detail about our final days but we eventually ended it i cried for hours i hated myself how could i do that to her why did i do that to her she came around one last time and i wanted to break down and cry and beg for her back but i had to pretend to be strong we shared a cigarette she cried we hugged kissed and she left the final goodbye will replay in my head forever i cried and yelled for 2 days straight and i found out that she had already moved on it felt like she had ripped my heart from my chest and stomped on it spat on it and burnt it im sure she fucking hated me she fucked another guy so soon i fucking hated it i burnt every inch of my arm i even tried cutting myself but burns hurt more she likes this guy and its just lhbarflerbkjbSFEkSJ fuck this fuck everything i cant fucking finish this anyway this is the fucking story about me and the love of my life the one and only girl of my dreams the girl who i still to this second love with all i have left of my heart through thick and thin good and bad i still love you forever and always will -shane xx