#we went to the hospital eventually. they told me that i have low blood pressure | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

barelynakedthoughts · 2 years ago

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We're 9 months pregnant with our second child now. It's been an easier ride compared to my firstborn. Up until the third trimester, I was nearly symptom free with minor inconveniences here and there. Now my blood pressure is dipping low, which I've been told is normal, but it is causing feelings of lightheadedness and dizziness. Sometimes I feel faint. Fortunately, I have not passed out so I'm still considered perfectly fine. We have one month left until the due date and I'm excited. Nervous still, but genuinely looking forward to being a mom of two.

_____

Well, the baby is here and we're struggling to survive...but we're doing it surprisingly. I'm so thankful my husband took a little extra time off for leave. My recovery has been a bit rough this time around due to physically being exhausted and constrained by raising two kids under two years of age. Understand how absolutely in love I am with this new journey, but also recognize how this does not change his demanding this is and how unused to this lifestyle I am at this time. I will eventually settle into having two kids and the kids will also get older and less physically demanding. It will be tough and enjoyable. The two ideas can exist mutually.

While my pregnancy was easy until the last week, anxiety and depression got the best of me and caused another hypertension issue. I went in a few days before my birthday and had the baby a week before the due date. It was a c-section and it felt like I was giving up on my chance of having a vaginal birth in the hospital. I'm not sure if I'm ready to write about the birth right now. It was not tragic. Everything went well physically besides the exhaustion that needed treated with drugs a few hours later, but my decision was another choice that felt like a loss of self. I'm not ashamed of having a c-section either...I am just coping with who I am and who I am becoming because of having children. Again, I will eventually be able to be able settle into this and this does not change how much love I have for this role.

-----

The last time I left my house was two weeks ago. I have not gone anywhere nor have I been outside. Every day, I pump, take care of two kids, and also attempt to be a good enough wife. I barely have time to take care of myself without it being in respects to what will help the family. Life's basic luxuries are hard to experience let alone enjoy. Showering is minimal, changing out of my pajamas is optional, brushing my hair is a joke. I am eating food while not losing weight.

(Yes, I'm also dealing with body issues and engaging inappropriately with intertwined thoughts about food, infertility and weight. I fear the lack of weight loss, which is associated with my diagnosis of PCOS, means I won't be able to have another child. What a weird thing to still desire when having a child is a pivotal catalyst for my current mental status. Also, I don't fully blame my weight on my inability to have children. I am just afraid of experiencing the pains of infertility again. I did not like that time period. That caterpillar cocooned and came out a magnificent butterfly. Yet the cocooned part is difficult to cope with still as the scars feel like they are reopening. I am afraid of what it takes to endure infertilty in order to learn more lessons from it. I am not sure what else I need to learn from it...if anything. I am not sure if it all is worth it...and yet I maintain my job right now mainly because the healthcare I have from it let's the infertility season have a medical blessing of hope and a lessened financial burden.)

Anyways, I'm just barely surviving lately and there are plenty of opportunities to slightly improve the situation...and this is my own choice to wallow in, but none of the extracurricular activities seem worth it. It feels semi-okay for current self, but it turns intk a dump sesh on future self. Example: getting out of the house would get me outdoor exposure, a new perspective, freedom and probably excitement. Yet it causes the dishes to not get done. My pumping schedule gets a weird crunch at some point later in the day. Will it affect my oldest's bed time? Will my husband and I get into a tiff because of exhaustion and feeling overworked? How much sleep will I lose by doing something different? I don't like being in a constant state of exhaustion and I don't like the repercussions of being tired. The routine is just enough to keep us going...in my mind. Changes to this schedule are okay...if I'm ready to accept them. If I'm willing to change the schedule. I know it won't be like this for long...this is all hard for right now. Minor changes are major in my brain. Everything is a paradox and my life feels so stuck.

My counter rebuttal to myself wonders if any of the problems are a big deal in the grand scheme of things? The change of schedule will matter for a little bit, but then we'll get back on track eventually. Why is there a track anyways? There isn't unless I lay them...so then why do I keep laying such terrible paths? What tracks could I lay down that make things better, brighter?

The days are cyclical. The hours are cyclical. Every moment feels like the same. I have just enough time in between pumps and feedings to play with oldest. I have just enough time to clean the house in some way. We have so many dishes every day. The dishes crowd the kitchen and they crowd my mental real estate. The anxiety...I wish I could accept help more readily. Helps from certain people feels like it would topple my very unstable state of being. Help from others feel like I'm asking for too much from people who would give it and be great at it.

I can't get out of my mind...I can't get out of my house. Probably should breathe outside air...even if it is winter. Probably should let the sun that sometimes shines between the clouds hit my skin...I don't know what I'm going to do. I feel doomed until the youngest gets a little older and until I don't have to pump as much.

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fatphobiabusters · 3 years ago

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Fatphobia is NOT a "Western" or "American" issue - it is EVERYWHERE!

I am seeing a lot of posts about fatphobic doctors and how they refuse to support their fat patients properly, and how it almost kills the fat patients at times. Then I read a lot of extremely tone deaf comments like:

“American doctors are so cruel…” “Healthcare in the USA is terrible”

As if ONLY American doctors are guilty of this. Well I’m here to say that, No, actually, horrible doctors don’t have a specific country of origin nor do they only exist within certain geographical areas.

I am from Kuwait. The Middle East. More precisely, the Arabian Gulf. That’s nowhere near USA, Canada, or any European country. Kuwait has very high overw****t and ob***ty rates. Don’t quote me on the exact percentages but we’re talking ~40% ob**s and ~75% overw****t. Odds are if you’re Kuwaiti you’re either fat yourself or your friends and family are.

Diabetes and hypertension are at ridiculously high rates here too. Odds are if you’re Kuwaiti you either have one or both yourself, or your friends and family do.

Doctors here are fatphobic AF. There are surrounded by fat people – and most of them are fat themselves. Yet they still prescribe weight loss and restrictive diets to “cure” acute and chronic illnesses.

Boy do I have some FUCKED UP stories. Buckle up.

My fat sister had a middle ear infection. Her doctor (who was also fat!) said it was because she was unhygienic because she was fat and not cleaning her ears properly. It lasted for SIX WEEKS. She was in unbearable pain. We begged her to see a different doctor. Spoiler alert: it was a viral infection caused by a virus, not some phantom fat infection. She received treatment and had the fluid removed.

My fat teenage cousin was feeling dizzy, couldn’t focus, and was always tired. Doctors diagnosed him with Fat and said he should lose weight by going on a 1200 calorie diet and exercising (umm.. he was always tired how could he exercise?!). He went on a restrictive diet that the doctor prescribed—not a dietitian, mind you! –and fainted several times. The doctor told him he was being dramatic and attention seeking. Wow what excellent bedside manner, and what a great thing to tell a CHILD! (sarcasm) Turns out my cousin had low blood pressure (explains the dizziness) and genetically inherited low blood sugar (Explains why he couldn’t focus and was tired). The restrictive diet made it worse. You’d think that in a country with so many people with diabetes and high blood pressure, they’d be more aware of these things and test for them first. Fatphobia clouds their judgment.

My friend’s fat mother had pain in her abdomen that just wouldn’t go away. Doctors said it was because of poor eating habits. She told them she hadn’t changed her eating habits so where would this pain come from? The doctors (she saw someone in internal medicine and a OBGYN) said that her “bad eating habits” were “catching up” on her. They ran zero tests. No imaging. No scanning. Just told her to stop eating so much, Fatty. She started having trouble breathing, and she had pain in her back as well. Doctors still insisted she was reaping what she sowed for being fat. No diagnosis other than “Fat consequences”, and no support other than “stop being so fat”. She was rushed to the hospital by ambulance after she collapsed in the supermarket. She had a tumor that was growing quickly and also pressing on her nerves. (She is fine now)

I should mention that our healthcare system is completely different to the US. Our healthcare is free (government-funded), so the comments about how the American healthcare system is broken and that's why fatphobia is rampant doesn't make any sense.. Our healthcare is FREE and we still have fatphobia here!

Fatphobic doctors don’t have a nationality. They don’t have a race. They don’t have a gender. They don’t have a class. Fatphobia in medicine is everywhere, even in fat countries, even in fat doctors themselves. These stories could have happened anywhere in the world, and I wouldn’t be surprised if they already did happen in other places. Fatphobia isn’t a “Western” disease, or a “Western” mindset, and it most certainly isn’t exclusive to US Americans. Fatphobic doctors are not endemic to the USA. Fatphobia is everywhere in medicine.

______

Mod squirrel: oh God this is why weight first treatment is so bad. I'm glad that these people eventually got treatment they needed, I'm so sorry they had to suffer to get there.

#Medical fatphobia #fatphobia #mod squirrel

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juniorgman187 · 4 years ago

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Any Day Now (Reid Fic)

A/N: Plz imagine being impregnated by season 10 Spencer Reid. WHEWW CHILE

Summary: Reader’s pregnancy finally takes its toll on her, leaving both Spencer and Reader to navigate through rough waters from miles away. Category: Fluff, Soft-soft-soft angst, One-Shot Pairing: (POV)Spencer Reid x Fem!Reader Content Warning: Pregnancy Word Count: 3.2k

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*

At first, it was nothing I couldn’t handle.

Multiplied mood swings? Understandable, her hormones were everywhere.

An ever-changing appetite? Great, at least now it wasn’t such a hassle for her to decide where to eat.

A suddenly much tighter FBI vest? Well, that’s what the adjustable velcro straps were for.

Again, nothing that I hadn’t already planned for. Even before I delved into parenting books galore, I had a pretty good general idea of what to expect. Not only because of JJ’s earlier pregnancy or Kate’s recent one, but more so because of my extensive knowledge of the human anatomy. This made riding the storm of (y/n)’s pregnancy easier ... until it didn’t.

It was somewhere in her 35th week that things finally got the best of her.

There was a linear increase of events that suggested things were taking a turn for the worse, so I slightly anticipated a steep decline to occur at any moment. For instance, soon after (y/n) started showing, I began to lose count of how many times I had to insert my hand between her seatbelt and her bump to create a gap just big enough so that the belt wouldn’t have such a suffocating restriction on her. Nor could I fully account for all the hours of sleep she’d lost tossing and turning, just trying to find a comfortable position where she wouldn’t be crushed by her own weight. And I certainly couldn’t remember, not even with my eidetic memory, how many times she’s almost walked out of the house completely barefoot after getting frustrated with her inability to put shoes on by herself.

In some sad way, I knew she wished to regain some normalcy in her life. Not that she regretted motherhood, but that she wished she didn’t have to experience so many small inconveniences that summed up to something larger than the life she was helping come into fruition.

She just wanted to drink coffee again without running the risk of a miscarriage. She wanted to climb up a flight of stairs without getting winded by the first few steps. She wanted to put on a tight shirt without looking exceptionally overweight. And most of all, she just wanted to keep working.

If she had to go to hell and back to stay in the BAU while pregnant, then to hell and back she went.

My wife, as stubborn as ever, had made me - and the entire team - promise not to baby her as soon as we revealed that we were expecting.

“I don’t want any of that ‘but you’re pregnant’ crap, got it?” She narrowed her eyes darkly at all of us, pointing an accusatory finger. “Anything you can do, I can do pregnant.”

And from that day on, she did what she vowed to do, what I knew she could do. She still chased after unsubs, shot all the bad guys, arrested the felons, but eventually - inevitably - it wore down on her.

The easiest effect I could identify was her drowsiness. It used to take her a while to fall asleep on the jet, and sometimes, she’d stay awake the entire flight. But after the grueling hours she’d endured during her pregnancy, we would barely board the plane before she knocked out. I think falling asleep in the seats gave her the comfort she couldn’t find lying horizontally in a bed. No one said anything, though, because she’d already made it explicitly clear that she didn’t want us to pay her any special treatment, which I understood. Nobody likes to be pitied, but after today’s incident, this went far beyond pity.

It was just plain concern.

“The doctor said I’ll be fine.” She grumbled, waving me away with a flick of her hand. However, seeing as she was currently lying in a hospital bed, donning a gown that only partially hid from me all the wires and pads that stuck to her body to monitor her health and relay it to the machines - she wasn’t fine. And I needed her to know that I wasn’t going anywhere, and neither was the team. (I didn’t tell her this because she would’ve quite literally took my head off, but they were all out there in the waiting room instead of working on the case).

“Emphasis on the future tense ‘will.’ You will be fine, but right now, you’re not.” I prepared myself to deliver the news I knew she didn’t want to hear. My voice became significantly quieter, reaching such a low decibel I wasn’t sure she’d even hear it, but maybe that was by design. She didn’t want to hear it as much as I hated to say it. “Maybe you should consider going on maternity leave now.”

Immediately, my wife shook her head with the biggest pout I’d ever seen. I could see it in the way her lip quivered that she was about to cry, no doubt because of the hormones, but especially because this job was her last piece of normality. She clung to it because it was all she had left to remind herself that she was still, in some capacity, the woman she was before.

“Spencer, please.” She begged, as if I could do anything. “I’m not ready to leave yet.”

I pursed my lips and looked away for a second to hide my own emotions. Seeing her cry was never easy, but being the cause for it made this even harder. I felt the formation of a lump in my throat and the pricking of tears in my eyes. “I’m sorry,” I croaked. “But I can’t let you keep risking your health,” I explained, neglecting to voice the final part of that sentence. ‘Or our baby’s.’ But I didn’t say that. How could I? It would’ve only guilted her further.

“Your blood pressure’s getting higher,” I explained, keeping my eyes steady on hers, not letting them stray to the machine that she clearly didn’t know how to read. But with one glance at the numbers, I already knew they weren’t good. I didn’t lead on just how bad they were, though. “You fainted today, and if you’d landed even a little bit differently, you would’ve ended up with a lot more than just a few scratches on your stomach.” That was the extent of my guilt-tripping. It didn’t feel right coming out of my mouth, but it was the only way I knew she would understand the severity of the situation.

“You were already planning on going on maternity leave next week, what’s a few days earlier?” I asked, briefly referring back to her obstetrician’s recommendation of not flying after her 36th week.

We both agreed that after week 36, she’d take her leave of absence since she couldn’t join us on the jet anyway. It was our ‘compromise.’ If she insisted on still going in the field, then she had to listen to the doctor’s orders and not fly for the last month.

“Spencer,” She whispered again, this time with tears running down her cheeks at the bat of her eyes. With the pad of my thumb, I gently wiped them away, wishing I’d never caused them to be there in the first place. “I can’t do this anymore.”

She never let on how difficult things had become for her. She never said it’s too much (and it must be too much some of the time). So when she finally admitted the burden her pregnancy had created, I could already sense its arrival. So without a second wasted, I pulled the guest chair right up next to her bed and sat in it while reaching for her hand. Despite the presence of the pulse oximetry on her index finger, I still took her hand between both of my own, not minding the gap that the device created.

“You are the strongest woman I know. There aren’t many pregnant women out there who can do what you’ve done these past eight months. They wouldn’t even think of it.” We shared a brief laugh, which lightened the atmosphere enough to encourage me to continue. “You are bearing our child, (y/n). Nobody else gets to do that. Not me. Not another girl. Just you. It’s only you who can truly give for our baby right now and you’re -you’re my girl ... and right now, I need you to take care of our girl, okay?”

She nodded rapidly with still glistening eyes. For the first time, that day, she stopped thinking her job was as an agent and started knowing her job was as a mother.

And a damn good one at that.

_ _ _

If there was anything I’d learned over the past years, it was that I should never expect my wife to follow the rules. Today was no exception.

She should’ve been in bed right now, taking it easy, but instead, she was standing right beside the jet, saying goodbye to each and every one of us before we boarded.

This would be our first flight without her.

“You take care, mama, okay?” Morgan told her, kissing her cheek before waving goodbye.

“I’m gonna miss you so much.” Kate sighed, engulfing (y/n) in a hug that I knew couldn’t have been comfortable with each of their bumps in the way, but they relished in it anyway. If I didn’t know any better, it looked like Kate was about to cry. Maybe that’s because their dynamic was different than any other. Their simultaneous pregnancies meant that they knew one another’s struggles far better than any of us could, so granted, it would be hard for Kate and (y/n) to be away from each other. They’d been in this journey together after all, in a way I couldn’t have been.

“Oh,” JJ sighed happily, taking (y/n) in her arms and swaying gently from side to side. “You are going to be the best mother ever.”

“Said the best mother ever.” (Y/n) remarked, laughing bittersweetly. It was something in her smile that let me know it was just for show.

Then, in one of the rarest moments of history, Hotch hugged (y/n), earning a slightly more real smile from her.

“Get some rest. You deserve it.” He whispered.

Not even a second after they pulled away did Rossi wait to take (y/n)’s face in his hands and plant two kisses, one on either cheek.

“If you need anything, you call us.” He ordered, mimicking a drill sergeant.

And though, I wasn’t ready, I found myself making my way to her, getting ready for one of the hardest goodbyes.

She wrapped her arms around my torso and let her head press against my heart. “I don’t know how I’m gonna do this without you.”

For the first time that night, she wasn’t faking a smile or putting on a face. I knew when she was saying goodbye that she was only laughing and grinning for everyone else, but underneath it all, she was experiencing a great sadness that no one else could understand. Everyone was just as excited as we were for this baby, if for no other reason than I was finally going to have a family of my own. That I’d finally found the people who were going to be there for me forever. And maybe it was that knowledge, the knowledge of how happy this baby made others, was the reason she never let it show just how hard it was for her. Otherwise, it’d ruin the fantasy. And so she wore happiness like a mask to hide the profound pain that would’ve wounded our spirits.

“Hey, I’m not leaving you forever,” I whispered somberly, hugging her a little tighter. “And if anything happens, I’m just a phone call away.” As much as I tried to believe my words, neither of us could find the truth in it. Even I knew I wasn’t just a phone call away. I’d be miles and miles and miles away from two of the best things that have ever happened from me.

She inhaled sharply and pulled away from me, wiping the tears from her cheeks with the hope that I hadn’t already seen them. ��I should probably let you go now.” She laughed lightly.

Our bodies parted, but I had yet to let go of her hand. I shook it up and down gently as I told her, “I love you.”

She shook my hand back in just the same manner. “We love you, too.”

A smile crept onto my face after the immediate realization of what she meant.

My girls.

At last, when I walked up the steps to the jet, I finally let go of her hand at the last moment possible, and even after we released hands, our arms stayed outstretched for a passing second as the distance between them got further and further. With the warmth of her hand leaving mine vacantly cold, I watched as she replaced it on the very top of her stomach, as if to say, “We’ll be okay.”

_ _ _

“Reid?”

I refocused my vision to Morgan who was calling my name. From the look on his face, I realized he probably tried to get my attention multiple times before this.

“Sorry, what did you say?” I shook my head to clear my mind, but it didn’t work. A part of me was still in another world, lingering in thought.

My mind would never shut up about her, but it seemed like today, it was firing all these things at me at 2x speed. I couldn’t pinpoint the exact event that I felt guilty for, but really - take your pick. It could’ve been anything, it could’ve been everything.

It could’ve been the fact that I was here and she wasn’t. It could’ve been the fact that in those last moments I saw her, I realized just how strong she was being this entire time, and how I was asking her to be even stronger, as if the weight of the world wasn’t enough. It could’ve been the realization that she was struggling this entire time, but never asked for help, thinking that she’d be a burden - the very thing she made us promise not to let her be. That is the reason after all, that she told us not to let her pregnancy be an excuse for anything. Because if she didn’t contribute anything, then she’d be holding us back - she’d be dead weight. I knew that, and yet, what did I do?

Nothing. I walked away and boarded that fucking jet like a brainless idiot.

I should’ve stayed with her.

Morgan’s eyes turned to slits while he tossed the manila folder onto the table, seemingly setting it aside so it wouldn’t be a distraction from his question. “What’s going on, man?”

I shrugged, pretending not to know exactly what he was talking about. “Yeah, I’m fine. I just zoned out, that’s all.”

Clearly exasperated, he said, “Come on, man. Don’t do that. Tell me what’s wrong.”

Whether it was defeat or a sweet surrender, I tucked my hands in my pockets and let my head hang low, eyes glued to the ground. Unexpectedly, I was sniffling and wiping my nose before I could register that tears were already coming. “I’m just worried about her.”

It felt stupid to admit, especially considering I saw her only 8 hours, 37 minutes, and 12 seconds ago. But the absence of her and our baby was growing more and more apparent with every passing moment I spent in this office without her. Usually, she would be here to keep me company, bothering me while I located the comfort zone - not that she ever really did bother me. I quite liked her presence.

Sometimes, when I was left alone, the room would get too quiet, and it’d just be me and my thoughts. And maybe she knew how scared of my own mind I was when it wandered, so she never let me be alone with it - never let the room get too quiet. She would talk and talk and talk, and I could never get tired of listening. Her voice was like white noise. If she was here, things would be as they always were. I would be standing at the map, and she’d no doubt be sitting in a chair, rubbing gentle circles around her protruding stomach as I felt her watching me intently.

“Found it.” I would say, drawing a big red circle around the zone.

To which she would say, “You’re a genius.”

Sure, I’ve been called ‘genius’ a million times before, but it never felt the same as when she said it.

Morgan could see the invisible pain in my chest, and he pulled me in by my shoulder to wrap his arm around me. It might not have looked like it, but it was the most reassuring hug he could’ve given me. I can’t explain it, but it felt like (y/n)’s warmth and love had possessed his body and he was radiating it now.

“I know it’s scary, man, and honestly, we all wish we could be with her right now. But trust me when I tell you she’s not alone.” He treaded carefully with his words, and I could tell there was something he wasn’t saying but that wanted me to figure out.

I didn’t even have to verbalize my question because soon enough, when Morgan pulled back, his phone began to ring.

“It’s Garcia.” He told me, though he didn’t answer the call, which was weird enough. But then he gestured to the computer on the table, and so I half-heartedly watched as the screen changed from the blue background to a video call with Garcia.

And who else would be sitting beside her but my wife?

“Look who I’ve got with me!” Garcia squealed, clapping her hands together excitedly.

“You’re supposed to be on bedrest.” I playfully scolded her.

“I was! I was, I promise. But after I said goodbye to you guys, I went home and got four hours of sleep, and then I went to my doctors appointment, but then when I was driving home, I thought why would I go back there when I’ve got everything I need right here?” She motioned around Garcia’s lair, even lifting up a hospital-go bag that Penelope no doubt compiled just for her. If there was anyone I trusted to take good care of her, it was Garcia.

Like I said before, I learned to expect (y/n) not to follow the rules. So naturally, she found a way to still work even on maternity leave.

At this point, the rest of the team neatly filed into the room, erupting in cheers of excitement at the sight of (y/n) in the bat cave.

“Is everything okay?” JJ worriedly asked.

“Yeah, yeah, everything’s fine! Baby looks good, my blood pressure’s getting better, so we’re doing okay.” She smiled proudly, and so did I. That was her first appointment on her own, and though it couldn’t have been easy, especially this late in her term, she did it anyway. Because that’s my girl.

“When are you due, again?” Kate asked (y/n), earning an enthusiastic, “Doctor says if she’s on time, New Year’s Eve!”

It never failed to make me smile whenever she brought up her due date. She was always excited to proclaim that our daughter might be brought into the world at the exact time we brought in the new year.

“But if I’m early, it could be any day now.” She explained.

Here’s where I had to cut in. “Hopefully not any day now! I don’t wanna miss it.”

“You won’t!” She promised through a wide grin.

Something else you should know about my girl? She always keeps her promises.

And on January 1, at exactly 12:00 - just as promised - I had the privilege of watching (y/n) deliver a healthy 6 pound and 9 ounce baby girl.

The weight of my whole world.

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*

Can you tell I love it when someone says “my girl”? I think that’s my favorite pet name ever.

taglist: @rainsong01 @calm-and-doctor @inkstainedwritergirl @rexorangecouny

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#spencer reid #spencer reid pregnant #spencer reid fanfic #spencer reid imagine #spencer reid fluff #juniorgman187 #any day now

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thebookreader12345 · 4 years ago

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Unexpected

Pairing: Blake Gallo x reader

Summary: Y/N tells Blake some news he didn’t expect to hear, and the way he reacts makes her regret saying anything in the first place. But when Y/N is in an accident, he has to rethink his future

Requested: No

Warnings: mentions of pregnancy and severe injuries, slight reference to abortion/adoption

Word Count: 2,341 Words

The whole firehouse was standing outside, sign at the ready. Blake was doing a 13 mile run today, and he was going to pass the firehouse any second now. He was even running in full PPE gear to raise awareness for cancer in firemen. I was bundled in my coat, and a beanie was resting on my head.

“Here he comes! Hold up the banner!” Stella shouted. Her along with a few others held the up banner they had made with the words “Go! Gallo! Go!” written on it. That’s when Gallo arrived, and when he saw the banner, a smile graced his lips. I cheered louder than the rest of the firehouse because Blake also happened to be my boyfriend, and I was really proud of him for doing this.

“You’ve got this babe!” I cheer. Blake then began jogging over in my direction, and when he reached me, he pulled me in for a kiss. I cupped his cheeks with my hands, and I could feel the heat radiating from his skin. His whole face had a reddish tint to it, possibly because he was running 13 miles in full gear, but it made him look adorable. “I love you,” I tell Blake as he pulled away.

“Love you too,” Blake replied before going off to continue his run. As Blake ran off, I suddenly felt a bit dizzy. I grabbed onto Ritter, who was closest to me, and he caught me in his arms as I sort of collapsed.

“Y/N! You okay?” Sylvie asked as Ritter wrapped an arm around me to keep me steady.

“I-I’m fine. Just got a bit dizzy,” I answer.

“You, fainted, Y/N. That’s not normal. Come on. We’re going to take you to Med,” Emily spoke and took me from Ritter’s arms. Her and Sylvie got me into the ambulance, and then we started the drive to Med. Thankfully, they didn’t put the sirens on, because I didn’t want to cause a scene over nothing. At the hospital, I was put into a trauma room, and a few minutes later, Dr. Manning walked in.

“Hey, Y/N. I heard you kind of fainted earlier. Everything okay?” Natalie questioned.

“I just got dizzy for a moment. I’m sure it was nothing,” I respond.

“Okay, but I want to run a few tests just to be sure. We’ll get you out of here as soon as possible,” Natalie told me. After about 2 hours, Natalie came back, meaning my tests were done. “Okay, so your blood pressure was a very low earlier. Have you eaten anything today?”

“I had a granola bar earlier, but before I could eat breakfast, we got a call,” I explain.

“Well, you’re going to need to be more on top of your eating now that you’re eating for two,” Natalie informed me.

“I-I’m sorry. What did you just say?” I ask.

“One of the tests detected hCG in your blood. It means that you’re pregnant. 6 weeks,” Natalie clarified. “So, who’s the lucky guy? Would it happen to be Blake Gallo, the very man standing right outside?”

“He’s out there? Please tell me he can’t hear us from out there,” I plead.

“Uh, no. He can’t hear us. Is there something wrong, Y/N?” Natalie quizzed.

I didn’t answer her, and instead asked another question. “Is it okay for me to go?”

“Sure. But Y/N, I think that you’ll be a great mother, and if Blake loves you as much as I believe he does, then he’s going to ecstatic,” Natalie confessed.

“Yeah. Sure. Bye, Nat,” I say and leave the room, only to bump into Blake.

“Hey. I got a call from Ritter saying that Brett and Foster were taking you to Med, so as soon as I finished the marathon I came straight here,” Blake said. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine. I didn’t eat much today, so my blood pressure was low. That’s why I fainted. Nothing else is wrong,” I lie. “Can we get going?”

“Yeah. Of course. We can stop by the firehouse to get your stuff and then we can head to my place,” Blake answered.

“Actually, can you just drop me off at my apartment?” I question.

“Are you sure you’re feeling okay? You’re looking a bit pale,” Blake exclaimed.

“I’m fine. I just want to get some sleep,” I murmur. Blake nodded and led me out to his car, and after we grabbed my stuff from the firehouse, he dropped me off at my apartment. I wanted to get some sleep, but all I could think about was the life growing inside of me, and how I would eventually have to tell Blake and everyone else. I should probably do it sooner than later, considering I had a dangerous profession, but part of me didn’t want to say anything. Blake and I had only been together a few months, and I didn’t want to ruin our relationship. At my next shift, the day was pretty slow. We hadn’t had any calls, which was unusual seeing as we were the busiest house. All I wanted to do was be alone, so I went into the gear closet and sat on the floor. After sitting there for a few minutes, I suddenly began to cry. I couldn’t help myself. It felt like my life was falling apart by the second. That’s when the door to the closet opened, and in walked Blake Gallo, the person I didn’t want to see.

“Hey,” Blake mumbled and crouched down in front of me. “What’s wrong?”

“I’m so sorry,” I sob as more tears fell from my eyes.

“Sorry for what?” Blake asked and used his thumbs to wipe the tears from my face. “You haven’t done anything wrong?” This caused more tears to escape, and I could see worry painted all over Blake’s features. I didn’t want to have to do this now, but I knew deep down that I had to. Blake needed to know.

“Blake, I’m pregnant,” I state.

“W-what?” Blake questioned.

“When I was at Med the other day, Natalie ran a few tests to make sure that nothing was seriously wrong with me, and she discovered that I was pregnant. I should have told you sooner, but I couldn’t bring myself to,” I disclose. Blake sat down across from me, and I could tell he was thinking about something from the look on his face. He was probably trying to figure out when this had happened, but I already knew. Natalie said that I was 6 weeks pregnant, and around 6-7 weeks ago, things got heated between Blake and I after a night at Molly’s. We were both so drunk that we forgot to use protection. It soon got to the point where Blake’s silence scared me, so I spoke up. “Can you say something? Please.”

“What do you want me to say?” Blake asked.

“I don’t know. Anything would be nice,” I exclaim.

“Well, I don’t have much to say. Excuse me,” Blake murmured and stood up before exiting the closet. At that moment, my whole world came crashing down. Blake had just walked out without saying a word, which basically meant he didn’t want to deal with a child. And how the hell was I supposed to do this on my own? Of course, there was always adoption or..... I couldn’t bring myself to say it. I couldn’t even think about it. I sighed and wiped the tears from my eyes, and once I felt ready, I exited the closet. That afternoon, we got a call about a house fire. Upon arriving at the scene, Casey was already doling out orders.

“L/N, you and I are going to examine the second floor and check for victims,” Matt ordered. I nodded and put my helmet on my head. As I went to walk towards the house, Blake grabbed a hold of my arm to stop me. I shook him off and continued walking towards the house, placing my mask on before heading inside. Flames were raging around us, and even through my gear, I could feel the heat. Matt then walked up the stairs with me following behind him. Smoke was gathering on the ceiling of every room, and it was getting hard to see. As we got to the second floor, we discovered a woman crawling towards the doors. “Ma’am, you’ve got to get out of here,” Matt demanded.

“I can’t,” the woman protested. “My husband. I think he’s still inside.”

“I’ll find him,” I tell Matt. “You get her outside.”

“Are you sure?” Matt asked me.

I nodded. “I’ve got this.” Matt then helped the woman up, and they made their way back downstairs. I poked my head into the first door, and looked around. “Fire Department! Call out!” No one answered, and it didn’t look like anyone was in there, so I moved onto the room down the hall. Just then, Boden came over the radio.

“L/N, get out of there! The place is about to blow!” Boden exclaimed.

“Just a minute, Chief. There could be another victim in here,” I reply and enter the next room, which had fire raging everywhere. As I stepped inside, the ceiling above me hissed, and seconds later, wooden beams and other materials fell from above. I moved out of the way just in time, but the bad news was that the doorway was now covered, and there was no way out. I looked around as the fire spread, hoping to find something that could get me out of here, and that’s when I saw the paint cans everywhere. This room was being remodeled. Just my luck because paint was highly flammable. At that moment, the fire reached the paint cans, and I had to make a split second decision. I ran at the window and threw myself into the glass, causing it to easily shatter. I flew from the second story just as the explosion went off behind me, sending flames out of every window in the house. I was in the air for a few seconds, and then came the fall. I hit the ground hard on my side, sending waves of pain through my body. Seconds later, I was being surrounded by my fellow co-workers.

“Y/N!” Matt shouted and removed my mask from my face. “Brett! Foster! We need some help over here!” My vision started going in and out as the pain became stronger. My whole body felt heavy, and I felt paralyzed. There was nothing I could do but sit here and take it. The last thing I saw before losing consciousness was the face of Blake Gallo.

Blake’s POV

Y/N’s head fell limp as I reached her, and I was immediately filled with worry. Brett and Foster ran over to us with their supplies, and Matt and I helped them slide the backboard under Y/N before lifting her up onto the gurney.

“I’m thinking possible broken hip, maybe some internal bleeding. We need to get her to Med now,” Sylvie spoke and placed a breathing mask over Y/N’s face.

“What about the baby?” I question.

“Baby? What baby?” Emily asked.

“Y/N’s pregnant,” I tell them. The ride to the hospital was chaos. Y/N wasn’t looking to good, and Sylvie eventually had to intubate her because she wasn’t breathing well enough. Sylvie said that was likely from a broken rib that may have punctured a lung. The whole ride, all I could think about was the baby. I had reacted badly when Y/N first told me, and I didn’t want her to think I didn’t care. When we got her the hospital, Will Halstead met us at the door.

“You have to save her, man. You have to save both of them,” I exclaim.

“Gallo, I will do everything I can to make sure her and the baby are safe,” Will confessed as he rolled her gurney into one of the empty trauma rooms.

Y/N’s POV

When I woke up, I felt a bit groggy. Like I had just woken up from a very deep sleep. I felt a bit of pain, but it was mostly muted down. I groaned and opened my eyes to see that I was in a hospital room. That’s when I remembered the fall, and I started freaking out a bit. Was the baby okay? Will then entered the room with his chart.

“I’m glad to see you awake. How are you feeling?” Will asked.

“I’m fine. How’s the baby?” I question.

“The baby is fine. It’s almost a miracle. That fall should have caused you more severe injuries,” Will explained. I let out a breath that I didn’t even know I was holding in. I was so grateful that the baby was okay. “Gallo is waiting outside. You want me to send him in?”

“Yeah,” I mutter. “I need to talk to him.” Will nodded and left the room, and seconds later, Blake walked in.

“Hey,” Blake murmured and took a seat in the chair next to my bed.

“Hey. Look, Blake, I know this is unexpected, and you don’t have to agree with me, but uh, I’m keeping the baby,” I inform him.

“That’s great, because I want to keep it too,” Blake responded. “Back at the firehouse, I had no right to leave you in the dark like that. We should have talked things through, and instead I left you alone. I know we’re young, but I love you, and I will love this baby more than anyone else in the world.”

I smiled. “That means a lot, Blake. I’m super scared, but I think we can survive this.”

“Me too. You get some rest, okay?” Blake told me and stood up.

“Actually, can you stay? I don’t want to be alone right now,” I say.

“Of course,” Blake stated and sat down. “And you know, while we’re alone, we could start discussing baby names.”

I laughed. “It’s a bit too early for that, but okay. So, what did you have in mind?”

____________________________

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#one chicago #chicago fire #chicago fire x reader #chicago fire imagines #chicago fire imagine #blake gallo #blake gallo x reader #blake gallo imagines #blake gallo imagine #ambulance 61 #squad 3 #truck 81 #firehouse 51

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kvj-novels · 4 years ago

Text

Senku x fem named!reader

Rating: this chapter is E for everyone though there is some strong language

Warnings: this fic has elements of smut and a mention of eating disorders THIS CHAPTER DOES NOT CONTAIN THE CONTENT WITH THESE WARNINGS.

Summary: Imogen has been awakened from petrification but she suffers from amnesia upon waking up. Senku and Taiju - her lover and childhood friend (respectively) before the petrification - must do their best to help her recall her past life.

Smut summary: soft sex, first time, no warnings but very NSFW.

Chapter Three

I walked deep into the forest, my feet getting cut up from the rocks and the branches. Eventually I stopped at a river and sat down in the sand. I didn’t notice how bad my feet got until I smelt blood. I looked down at my now red feet and frowned. Inching a bit closer to the shore I slid my legs into the water. It stung and I hissed when I reached down to wipe the mud and dirt off. “Damn it.” I whispered. I just let my feet float in the water and let the current wash them. I sighed and leaned back on my hands. Just my luck that the only person who knows me also holds a grudge...I laughed. How perfectly stupid. I can’t even remember how old I am and here I am already having boy troubles. I sighed and wiped my cheeks, they were still wet from crying. “Fuck it.” I said to myself. “I got woken up into a future with a brand new slate. I’m 3,700 years older than I was before. I’ll just...be a new me. Forget about trying to remember who I was then.” That was my resolve. What was the phase? New year new me? Try new millennial, new me. I think. I got up to go back to the village. My feet were swollen and burning but I needed to get back so tried to forget about the pain. I think I remember how to get back...it’s not too far. It’s still mid day, too. I just need to listen for the bustle of life and I’ll be fine. I was about half way there when I get a weird feeling on the back of my neck. I stopped and rubbed my neck. The hairs were standing on end. I shivered despite the heat. I heard a low growl come from behind me. I froze. It hit me that this was no longer modern times and that I could be in deep trouble. I slowly turned around to see a large bear a few yards behind me. She was snarling at me but not moving. I gulped. A smaller cub came out from behind her. I had a feeling I walked through her home and she wasn’t happy about it. I took a step backwards while still facing her and prayed that I didn’t look threatening enough to attack, only warn. I kept inching backwards and when she growled again I stopped for a moment. “It’s okay...I’m leaving...please don’t hurt me.” I started to move again but my foot met resistance and I stumbled backwards. Another cub yelped and jumped out from under me as I fell to my ass. The mom got on her hind legs and roared. I screamed. She started to charge and I scrambled to my feet, the adrenaline kicking in well enough to numb the swollen cuts on my feet. I ran as fast as I could but I knew in the back of my mind I wouldn’t be able to out run a bear. I screamed for help as I ran hoping without hope that I was close enough to the village for someone to hear. As I ran past a tree, a large figure came slamming into my side. I was scared the bear was super smart and was pummeling me to the ground but when I felt the warmth of human skin on my face as I was held tightly against the bare chest that rammed me to the ground, I realized instead that someone heard my cries. Both of us went tumbling, the man held me tightly as a hill took our momentum and made us tumble faster until we came to stop at a tree. His back took the blow and he grunted. My head was spinning still even as we were stopped. He picked himself up, one arm still wrapped around me. “Are you alright?” he asked, sitting on the ground. I grabbed my head to try to make it stop spinning. “Y-yeah...maybe a little cut up.” I responded when I felt a warm trickle of blood down my cheek. “I’m sorry,” He said. “that wasn’t a very clean save was it?” I finally looked up into his face to see the warm red eyes of Senku in front of me. “Senku?” “Was getting dressed when I heard you scream. You’re not too far from the lookout. Sorry, I should’ve warned you that it’s dangerous out there. The animals are used to owning the woods.” I swallowed to force my mouth closed as I stared at his chest. His slender frame deceived you when fully clothed. Senku was quite strong and very ripped. And I couldn’t help but a stare a little too long now that he had no shirt on. Senku ripped off a piece of his pants and wrapped it around my head over the cut. The pain from the pressure jolted me out of my daydream. “Sorry,” he said. “I’m not very good bedside manners.” He tied off the bandage and stood. “Can you walk?” He asked. I looked down at my feet which were even more cut up than before. My legs were bleeding and my dress was almost in pieces. “Damn,” Senku said before I could respond. “I really did a number on you didn’t I?” He helped me stand and swept me up in his arms without hesitation. He seemed different now, maybe not so on edge. “I’m...sorry.” I said. “I probably shouldn’t have stormed off like that.” “Don’t be sorry...that was just me, being an idiot again.” He said, easily finding the path to the lookout and walking it back. He set me down on one of the beds that Ruri had previously mentioned was in the small building that used as a hospital. “Let me get something to clean up all your wounds.” He grabbed a bowl of hot water and a rag and sat down next to the bed. “Senku?” I asked. “Hm?” He looked up at me through his brows as he gently wiped down my legs. “Can we start again?” I asked. “What do you mean?” “I mean...I can’t remember what happened 3000 years ago...but I want to know you now, here, in this place that you seem very dedicated to. And...well I want to know you the way I did back then but I want to do it differently.” He paused for a moment to think. “Clean slate, you’re thinking?” He asked. I shook my head. He dipped the towel in the hot water again. “The past doesn’t really matter in this world does it? You’re all just trying to survive. So I shouldn’t focus on the past especially if I can’t remember it.” I said. “Well, there’s where you’re wrong.” He said. “When I broke free of the petrification, a made it my goal to advance society back to where it was and save all 7 billion people on the planet.” He paused to gently pull some debris out of a cut. “That’s a very ambitious goal...” He chuckled. “Yeah it is. And believe it or not, I’m not an idiot at science. When I got to this village it was in the Stone Age. Thanks to a lot of hard work and some very dumbed down lessons, I’ve not only gotten these people to the age of electricity, I be also helped them understand it so they can make, and explore, and do things on their own.” “So...you’re a big nerd?” A smiled. He let out a laugh and a flashed a contagious smile. “Yeah, I’m a very big nerd. I’m also the only person on the planet right now with the knowledge to bring the world back to where it was. I guess that’s why they insisted I stay the chief.” He got up when he finished cleaning my wounds and grabbed a large bowl of precut bandages. Sitting back down to wrap my feet he eyed me for a minute. I blushed. “W-what?” I asked. He smirked. “All that talk about forgetting the past...If you don’t want to remember, I won’t tell you. But remembering the past is exactly my goal. It looks a little different for you but I would be happy to tell you everything I know about you. Taiju, too.” “Who’s Taiju?” “Oof. Don’t say things like that to him, you’ll hurt the brutes feelings.” He chuckled. “The guy who was with us in the tower.” “Oh right - sorry. I knew him too?” Senku shook his head, he was suddenly very focused on the wraps, being careful as he went along. “Yeah, we actually met because of Taiju. You knew him before you knew me.” I was quiet so I could listen, I hoped he would continue when I didn’t respond. “Taiju and you go way back. We were childhood friends, I knew him since kindergarten. But you and Taiju literally grew up together. Somehow I never met you though. Not until senior year anyway.” “Senior year?” “Oh yeah, uh, the last year you have to spend at school. Once you’re senior you can graduate and either move on to college - a more focused type of school. Or you could move on to a job, life, family, whatever the hell you want honestly. After high school, you’re considered an adult so people let you do whatever, you know?” He finished with my feet then moved to the head of the bed to work on the cut on my head. “Anyway, Taiju introduced us at the end of junior year and we hung out a lot all the next year. I don’t know if that dumb brute was trying to set us up from the beginning but he was really smart about it; just a casual introduction and then bam, you were hanging out in our group all the time.” I flinched when he put the hot rag to my head. “Sorry,” he pulled back. “No it’s okay.” I looked up at him. “Please, keep going.” He continued cleaning my head and then cleared his throat. “Just before summer break I asked you out on a date. I hung out with you more that summer than I did with Taiju. He didn’t seem to mind though since he had his own love life he was going on and on about.” He chuckled. “How was it? The date I mean.” “We were both nervous as hell. I took you to a walk through tour of one of the biggest science labs in Japan.” He laughed. “Looking back on it now it probably wasn’t the greatest of first date ideas, but you didn’t seem to mind.” I smiled. “What else happened that year?” “Well, summer was over and we had to go back to school.” He paused for a moment to tape a small bandage to the side of my head. I sat up fully when he finished, carefully bringing my bandaged legs under me. He sat on the bed next to me. “I told you I couldn’t make things official yet...I was too focused on my school and I was trying to figure out where I wanted to go after graduation.” He sighed and rubbed his neck. “That was my first mistake. You understood but I could tell it was bothering you a bit. I psyched myself out because I was overthinking it. If you can’t already tell, I’m very much an idiot at matters of the heart.” I bit my lip. “Is that...when we argued and I got mad?” He shook his head. “I said a lot of thing I really regret. I blamed you as a distraction and I tried to push you away. I hate to admit it, but I was scared. I wanted so badly to not mess things up with you that I fucked up and messed things up anyway.” He let out a deep sigh. “Our last conversation was an argument. I said I cared more about science than I cared about you. You promptly slapped me across the face and said you’d save me some trouble and would never have to talk to me again.” I frowned. He continued, “I don’t think any harsh word ever spoken to me has hurt more than that. And it was my own fault.” I swallowed. I felt a lump in my chest that made me want to throw my arms around him and tell him I’m sorry. But the mental block of complete emptiness and detachment from not truly remembering this man in front of me, stopped me. I looked down at my hands. “We didn’t have a lot of time together then huh?” I asked. “No...I didn’t see you for a whole week and then the petrification happened.” “I uh...I still can’t remember any of it. Even though you’ve told me the majority of it.” I forced down the lump in my throat and tried not to cry again. “I wasn’t exaggerating when I said I felt empty. Hearing that story makes me really happy but...it’s like it’s literally just a story. I can’t picture any of it.” “It’ll take time. Amnesia can only be cured by the patients willingness to remember the parts they’ve lost. The fact that you can’t remember what school is tells me that more was happening than just a little bit of love life drama. Whatever it was caused you to block out not just me, but physically every single part of school.” “How do I find out what that was?” “I would suggest you find Taiju. Like I said, you guys grew up together. I think you lived in Taiju’s house. I never got around to asking what happened with your family, so I can only assume that he’s the one who can tell you that part of yourself. I can go find him for you if you like?” “Not right now please...if it’s not too much trouble, I’d really like to stay and keep talking with you.” He smiled a bit. “I’ll go get us some dinner then. Meet me up in the tower, take your time.” He got up and left the small building, headed for the village. I thought about the story he just told me and smiled. Butterflies erupted in my stomach again. I felt like that was proof to myself, a bit. Proof that Senku and I had something together. Proof that I...

Well, I probably shouldn’t get too caught up on that feeling.

********

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#ishigami senku #senk x fem #dr stone #dr stone fanfic #fanfic #taiju oki #senku x reader #one shots

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pizza-soup · 4 years ago

Text

Sorry I've been missing in action.

Long story short I got very injured at the labs, but I've been making a fast recovery. For the more detailed, graphic version, you can read below. Warning: Mention of hospital, blood, car accident.

As I mentioned, I got really injured at work beginning on February 21 at around 9 PM. It was during a routine check at some of the sites, one in particular needed our higher clearance because there had been a breach at a fence that past week, so I, and two other guards went to check out any tampering of the fence again. They say it might be vandals but a lot of them say it was some kind of large animal. The road to those sites are a single path through the woods, lit with a few lights, no curves, just a flat road with a hill on one side. It hadn't snowed that week either, so no fear of ice or anything. It was just a routine jeep trek.

It happened so fast. Our vehicle was knocked over, I'm not even sure how, but we were rolling in the dark down a hill, hitting trees. I remember the shouting, holding fast, and the glass. I remember crawling toward a tree and trying to sit up against it or maybe I was put there by the other guard, Dolores, I remember her telling me to stay awake. I asked her if I was dreaming. It didn't feel real. I asked what was happening to me because I couldn't move right, everything felt so slow and muffled. I passed out by the time they got us into the medical ward. I don't remember them putting me in a gown or putting in an IV. I woke up later, I buzzed the call button out of fear and pain. My whole left side was throbbing. A nurse was relieved I finally came to. She gave me pain meds and called the doctor in.

I was told there had been an accident, that much I already knew, but no one was killed, just injured. I lost a lot of blood, my uniform was soaked in it and they had to cut it off me. Part of the metal from the door frame folded in and pieced my left shoulder and I had minor cuts on my hands and arms from the glass. My blood pressure dropped so low they were scared my heart might've stopped. I was given blood, hooked up to a lot of things and I would have to stay under watch for a few days. There was a lot of tests they needed to do to figure out just how bad my injuries were.

For the next few days I was just sleeping, I couldn't sit up without feeling dizzy. I had to lay semi flat, my blood pressure was still very low. My left side was still throbbing and the stitches itched. A lot of bruises developed from being tossed around like I was, mostly on my arms because I was shielding my face and head. My minor glass cuts stung while batheing. Nurses came in every few hours to check my vitals, help me use the restroom, shower, help me eat, ect. I got so tired from the smallest things. I couldn't call anyone, my phone was in my locker. I finally got someone to help me call my brother to tell him what happened. My brother was naturally scared, he thought something happened to me and he was sad to know he was right. He wanted to see me, but he couldn't, I was in the medical ward on lab property. He wanted to call our mom to tell her but I told him to wait, there was a possibility that I might be transferred to a local hospital where they can visit me, and I didn't want her panicking and trying to drive up here in bad weather. It's best she waited til things cleared up.

After the first week I was transferred to a local hospital after getting a bunch of tests done. No brain trauma, no broken bones, no blood sugar issues or thyroid problems. I could sit up in bed by then and eat on my own. I still couldn't walk very well without feeling really dizzy, again, low blood pressure. A lot of minor bruises were fading away. I never had my anemia officially confirmed, but they confirmed it and had me take daily iron and placed on a blood building diet in the new hospital. I was tested for covid, I came out clear.

My brother and mom visited me daily, and the other doctor said I was recovering really quickly, that gave us a lot of hope. I could be out of there by a few days, though my blood pressure was worrying her. Seems it wasn't so much the blood loss, but that it might have been an underlying condition already linked to my untreated anemia. She would get the in-house dietitian to include a bit more natural sea salt to my iron rich diet, as well as tell me what I should eat at home and that I need to drink a lot more water than I normally did. This is a problem I've had for awhile, I forget to drink enough water. The doctor warned me I better remedy that immediately especially with low BP. My mom was already taking notes. She really wanted to just take me home already. I really liked her being there, I'm not that shy about my body, but I honestly felt better having my mom bathe me and comb my hair instead of strangers doing that. She was also a lot more gentle around my stitches and bruises.

Eventually I did come home, I still needed a lot of rest and help getting out of bed. I had to fight the urge to clean house, help with groceries, ect. I'm so used to being self sufficient. I felt so frustrated that just walking around the room would tire me out, when I'd hike for miles just a few months ago. I was tired of sleeping and sitting down. But there wasn't much else I could do. I did a lot of origami, my bro got me a coloring book, I watched a lot of movies, took my iron -which is nasty btw-, ate meals that were saltier than I normally would prepare but my taste buds would have to adjust. I was happy my new diet included a lot of fish though.

I did have some close calls. I really thought I could stand up in the shower instead of sitting, and wound up calling for my mom to help me up after collapsing. I collapsed again when I was trying to cook dinner for myself. My face, according to my mom, was drained of color and my breathing was shallow. I felt so dizzy and nauseated. She nearly wanted to call the hospital again. My bro said I was pushing myself too hard and I always had a problem with not asking for help. That I needed to learn to stop being so damn stubborn and rest. To anyone else, that sounds harsh, but he knows me way too well, probably better than our mom. I do have that problem, I do push myself too much. After that, I decided to be more patient with myself. I was sick and might be sick for awhile.

This week I'm doing a lot better. I can do my daily things now, I even went to get groceries and take a little walk to the river. But I can't over do it, I can't stand up or walk for too long, and I can't lift anything heavy, otherwise I get bouts of dizziness and need to sit down. The pain isn't as bad on my back anymore though it's still very sore, my arms, especially my left side, have a dull pain. I can't sleep on my back and left side, only my right and on my stomach. A lot of the cuts on the back of my arms and hands have scabbed over, minor bruises are gone but major ones on my shoulder and neck are still pretty dark and tender. I'm still finding glue spots on my chest and stomach from the medical tape and the EKG patches they put on me, but a bit of lotion is taking it off. My stitching, according to my mom, is definitely going to leave a pretty bad scar above my shoulder blade, but it's fine. My body has a lot of scars here and there from close calls, but I consider them ' Marks of Life'. They're proof I survived and thrived.

It'll take time for me to really feel like I'm back to normal. My mom refuses to go back home until I make a full recovery. She hasn't tended to me like this for a long time, mainly because I rarely get sick. I trait from my dad's side. We don't get colds or flus for years, no history of cancer, heart issues or diabetes, and his family usually remain active to their elderly years, not to mention our graceful aging. My dad used to say it was our native blood, we're just built tougher. The only thing that could kill us is getting injured like this. God, he'd be so worried about me though. I remember how he'd fuss over me when I skinned my knee as a child or got my allergies. If he was alive, he'd probably refuse to let me do anything out of bed, but then that's exactly what I should be doing anyway.

I got a report on the other guards health yesterday. Dolores and Elijah. She was the least hurt out of all of us, just a dislocated arm, mild whiplash, and some really bad glass cuts on her chest and arms, she's home recovering with her husband and kids. Elijah was the driver and got knocked unconscious with a bad concussion, his entire left arm was sliced by glass and metal, he lost a lot of blood like me and is recovering just as slow as I am. He opted to stay in the lab medical ward because he doubts his roommate can care for him at home, he's on a lot of pain meds, so he sounded distant on the phone. I think out of all of us, he's going to take the most time to recover. I told him I'd pray for him and if he wants, I can visit. He appreciated that a lot. I thanked Dolores for helping us that night, she was the one trying her best to keep us alive and sent the distress signal on our ARK devices so they could find us in the dark. Without her, I think we would've bled to death.

God, it feels like a distant nightmare. I still can't figure out how we were knocked off the road like that. Something hit us out there and it was strong. I felt the impact in the backseat, but I didn't see it. Dolores says it looked like a bear, but bears aren't that strong. Eli says he saw horns, so maybe a bison. Bison are that strong, especially against a little jeep. The incident is still under investigation. The lab is also very concerned about how this happened. It's possible the same thing that hit us, has been tampering with the fence.

One less thing to worry about is the hospital bill, the accident happened on lab grounds, everything is taken care of through them, probably because they don't want to get sued. They are giving us another two weeks before we report back in to the doctor for another round of tests and physical tests, as well as check to see if my stitches were still secure. Our return to work solely depends on our results, we may not be able to come back until late April. They really want to be sure we're okay. Because I'm an 'Ophanim' aka Tier 3 guard, I'll also be given a mental test before being hooked back into Selene. They just want to be sure there's no cognition issues and I can sync properly to her. I may have to do a refresher since I've been away for so long, but I'll worry about that when it comes.

Well, if you read this far, thanks. I hope I didn't scare you all too much. I am doing a lot a better though, I promise. I'm getting stronger everyday, though activity on this blog will be slow. Send me some prayers, good vibes, whatever. I'd really appreciate anything. Hope you've had a good month, better than mine hopefully.

#Update #medical trauma #accident tw #injury tw #daily update

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sunsetinmyvein · 4 years ago

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You Pick a Fight - P2

Eyyyyy it’s prompt time. I have since forgotten what prompt’s @imagine-that-100 gave me from the prompt list for this part two, but hopefully you enjoy it anyway. :P

And I was right, because it wasn’t over. The pool incident was just the start of much more bickering and fighting over nothing that was set to come during the months between Matty and I. We hadn’t known each other all that well prior to that day, but it definitely set the bar for future interactions. Being argumentative and stubborn was just a habit neither of us could break, much to all of our mutual friend’s annoyance. It might’ve been on the verge of immature, since we were both pushing thirty, but neither of us cared. And we never really meant it. Grudges about stolen floaties were not held for long. It was a rare occasion that we genuinely made up and said sorry, but typically by the end of the day we had either forgotten about it or played some prank on the other to feel avenged about our wrong doing. Over the course of many months of arguing and pranking, Matty and I inevitably became closer. Realistically, Matty was probably one of my best friends by this point in my life. We saw each other at least a couple of times a week for various reasons and I enjoyed his company (mostly). But that wasn’t going to stop me from trying to constantly one-up him and make sure I destroy him any time he challenges me to anything. Keep your friends close and your enemies closer, right? You gotta know your opponent’s weaknesses to best exploit them.

However, tonight was our regularly scheduled movie night. So, more than likely no arguing would be occurring tonight. The movie had already been picked by democratic vote by the group, which meant there would be no debates about that. Everyone was bringing their own snacks, nothing to fight over. And we rotated who hosted, so no arguments there either. This week it was Matty’s turn. Last week when it had been at my flat, we had picked a comedy movie to watch and ended up receiving a noise complaint from my neighbour about us being “too rambunctious”. I was hoping that we wouldn’t have the same issue to deal with this week given Matty’s much thicker walls. I was cutting up a tray of brownies that I was graciously bringing to share - one of which may or may not have been spiked with cayenne pepper just to spite Matty for last week when he mixed my bag of skittles with m+m’s - while I replayed the events of last week. The details of the movie were actually a bit of a blur, because after the few drinks that I had downed after a rough day at work, I recalled falling asleep. When I woke up, I found myself snoring on Matty’s shoulder. God, that was utterly embarrassing. Other than my snoring, to wake up cosying up to Matty? I’d rather be caught dead. But I must have been too distracted by these memories, because as I was cutting, I slipped and managed to slice open my thumb with my new knife.

I felt the cut the instant it happened, bracing myself for what I might see before I looked down. Sure as shit, all I saw was a lot of red. The first thought to run through my head was that my brownie plan was ruined. I couldn’t serve brownies that had been doused in blood. The second was that I absolutely needed to seal this wound as soon as possible. I raced to the bathroom, grabbing a roll of gauze and wrapping it around my thumb as tightly as I could. Do I call an ambulance? No, this wasn’t an ambulance sort of emergency. Emergency, though. I should go to the emergency room. Now. But I had to let the guys know I wasn’t coming. I could see the gauze starting to turn red as I searched my phone for Matty’s contact. Fuck, I felt so bad for bailing on this movie night given it was our regular thing, but this was really not good. Really, really not good. The phone rang twice before he picked up.

“Hey-”

“Look, I need to go to emergency.” I interrupted in a garbled rush.

“What?” He shouted down the line.

“I need to go to hospital, so I’m not gonna make it tonight.” I explained, slightly slower.

“What did you do?” He asked in an incredulous tone.

“I sliced my thumb open cutting brownies.” I just heard him laughing. “It’s not funny, Matty. I need stitches.” I frowned as I started to grab my essentials. What if they wanted to keep me in overnight? Oh my god, I was absolutely not prepared for something like this. I should have a go bag. Is that a thing normal people did? Have a go bag in case they accidentally injure themselves? Maybe smart people did.

“Do you need me to drive you?” He offered as I was contemplating what exactly I would put in a go bag.

“What? Uh, no. I’m okay. I think.” I rattled off.

“I’ll meet you there.” I heard him say. He what? Why would he want to come to the hospital?

“Wait. No, you don’t-” But he’d already hung up.

Before I left the house, I slapped another few layers of bandage over the gauze on my thumb to try and put some pressure on this cut that was apparently bleeding like a tap by the rate it was turning things red. Driving to the hospital with a thumb as fat as mine was with all the bandages wrapped around it was not easy to say the least, but I managed to get there in one piece. Once I had gotten there, paid for my parking, and then managed to check myself into the ER, I was able to take a seat and decompress slightly. But, the peace and quiet didn’t last long, because not even five minutes after I sat down a familiar face entered through the sliding glass doors.

“Good job.” Matty said as he approached, with a slow clap for emphasis.

“Don’t patronise me.” I scoffed.

“Show me.” He said as he took a seat in the uncomfortable plastic chair next to my own.

“It’s okay-”

“Just show me what you did.” He dismissed.

“I mean, I can’t really take this stuff off-” I gestured to my half blood-soaked bandages, “-or it’ll bleed worse.”

He let out a low whistle as he raked a hand through his curls. “Bloody hell.” He muttered under his breath, before glancing up at me. “Pardon the pun.” He added with a smirk.

“Shut up. It’s really not as bad as it looks.” I lied. I was trying to play it down, to pretend like I hadn’t briefly seen how deep that knife went, but I knew that this was definitely very vital that I see a doctor very fucking soon.

He met my gaze, clearly seeing the stress I was trying to hide. “You’re not very convincing.” He chuckled.

Despite my protests about him wanting to wait with me, Matty continued to ramble on about what he had done earlier in the day while we sat in the crowded waiting room. He also told me not to worry about cancelling on the movie night, and thanked me for trying to make brownies. If only he had known what his brownie was going to taste like. But at least he was distracting me from the weird sensation in my thumb. After about half an hour, I was called through to be seen by the nurse - which realistically just meant that I sat and waited in another room for a further ten minutes until I was finally seen by someone. When she walked in, she introduced herself and asked for a run down of the situation as she started gathering some supplies. After I had explained what I had done, she started moving towards my giant wad of bloody fabric.

“I’m gonna look away.” I warned the nurse, she just nodded in response. I felt her unravelling the bandages on my thumb, trying really hard to busy myself by studying the vision tester chart on the wall. She let out a quiet hum as she analysed the situation.

“All right. I am going to put some glue on this now to hold it, but we are going to need to anaesthetise you to properly sort this out. Is that okay?” She asked in a calm tone. They were going to knock me out? It was bad enough to need to be knocked out for?? Holy shit.

“Um, yep.” I nodded. “I suppose it’ll have to be.” I added with a nervous laugh. “When will that be?”

“As soon as they can get you in. Likely in the next few hours.” She answered.

When I came back out of the nurse’s station, I sat back down and told Matty what they had said.

“They need to sedate you?” He asked in shock.

“I’ve apparently done quite a number on myself.” I could feel the stress building up as the realisation set in. Oh my god. I had cut off my thumb. I had cut off my thumb and now they needed to reattach it. Holy fuck. Holy fuck.

“Hey, calm down.” He reassured, placing his hand on my shoulder. “It’ll be all right.”

“But what if it’s too late? What if I cut too far? What if-”

Thankfully, Matty interrupted my downward spiral of anxiety. “They would’ve told you if that were the case. They’re going to operate, so it must be fine.” He moved to take my good hand in his, squeezing it reassuringly. I took a deep breath, trying to calm my racing mind as I nodded in agreement. At least one of us was the voice of reason right now. “When are you going in?” He questioned, seeming genuinely sympathetic.

“They said as soon as possible. I just have to wait here until a theatre frees up.” I replied. He just nodded thoughtfully. “You should go back to the movie night.” I said, eventually feeling guilty that he’d already been sat waiting here for an hour.

“No.” He shook his head as he rifled through his pocket. “You want some gum?” He asked, holding a packet out in my direction.

I looked down at them apprehensively. “They’re not some ridiculous flavour, are they?”

He laughed loudly. “No, I threw the wasabi ones out.”

It was another hour before I was finally called through to get ready for theatre. Now I was genuinely feeling pretty awful that Matty had been here this whole time. We had well and truly pushed past dinner time, he’d missed the movie, our friends were all sat at his place without him. He can’t have been having a good time stuck here with me.

“Okay, I gotta go in.” I said as I stood up.

“I’ll be here when you wake up.” He smiled up at me from his seat.

“Just go home, I’ll be fine.” I said as I gestured to the door.

“No.” He grinned.

“Go.”

“No.” His dark brown eyes bore into mine, clearly challenging me to push him further on the subject.

“I hate you, so much.” I grumbled as I heard the nurse call my name again.

“I love you, too.” He said, blowing a kiss for emphasis as I walked off.

The doctors all reassured me that the operation was going to be quick and easy. Knock me out, stitch me up, wake me up fifteen minutes later. Easy peasy. I had never had any issues with operations, being knocked out was easy. It was the stuff you had to be awake for that was hard. True to their word, when I saw the clock when I started coming to, it had been no more than half an hour than when I last checked the time. But my god I felt groggy. My brain felt like it had been replaced with a bunch of cotton balls and my eyelids might as well have been made of lead. I glanced down at my thumb, seeing a much smaller pile of bandages on there, that were now thankfully not soaked in blood. That was nice. I then caught sight of the man sat next to my bed.

“Hey, you’re up.” Matty said quietly as he stepped over. As soon as he leaned over the bed frame, the fluorescent lights above him just illuminated his dark, curly hair. Holy shit. It looked borderline angelic. “How’re you feeling?”

“Your hair…” I mumbled as I reached out my good hand to touch it.

He seemed surprised by my actions at first, before letting my run a hand through it. “What about it?” He asked with a quiet laugh.

“It’s really soft.” I answered, genuinely quite surprised by how nice it felt. “Has it always been that soft?” I felt like I had been missing out. I could’ve been touching this hair for nearly a year now and instead I had been swapping his shampoo for ranch dressing and perfume.

Matty seemed keen to indulge my anaesthesia haze, letting me bother him with all of my weird questions about his hair. Maybe he wasn’t such a bad guy. I did a lot of mean shit to him and here he was, sat with me in emergency all evening instead of hanging out with his friends. After the pranks I’d pulled, I likely didn’t deserve a friend like him. But he’d pulled them on me too. We were a pretty good pair, I suppose. And I had no idea if it was this lighting or what, but dare I say, Matty was looking pretty attractive today. Had I really just been so focused on butting heads with him that I never noticed these things before?

“Are you sure you really look this good? I feel like I must still be dreaming.” I said, pretending to shield my eyes.

He frowned, before the realisation dawned on him and his eyebrows shot up in surprise, “Are you flirting with me?”

“Maybe.” I shrugged.

“Don’t use cheesy pickup lines on me.” He chuckled.

“How else am I meant to pick you up?” I scoffed as I rolled my eyes.

“Are you trying to?” He asked as a smile slowly made its way onto his face.

“Maaaaybe.” I said in an attempt to be non-committal, but then my curiosity got the better of me. “Is it working?”

“I’m gonna remind you of this when you’re properly out of the anaesthetic.” He just looked amused. Not the reaction I had hoped for. But I was too tired to keep trying to come up with clever lines.

“Okay.” I muttered, nodding softly. “Gon’ sleep now, though.” I added.

“Rest up.” He agreed. “You’re gonna need all the energy you can get to deal with me giving you shit for this tomorrow.”

Part one

Part three

#Matthew Healy x Reader #Matty Healy x Reader #Sunsetinymvein #Sunsetinmyvein prompts #Sunsetinymvein requests

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unichrome · 4 years ago

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I’ve been wanting to write down as much as I can remember from the month at the hospital in April, and this tumblr blog is the only thing I have that even remotely resembles a journal. So here it is, feel free to read and comment if you’d like, but please don’t reblog.

I was living in Copenhagen when this happened.

A few weeks prior, I started a new medication, an antipsychotic so the usual side effect was to be expected: tiredness. But I’ve been in this carousel before, I know the worst is over after a week or so. I did indeed become extremely tired, and this was during working-from-home corona days so most shifts I ended up napping in the couch at any chance I got. Easily slept 12+ hours per night. It kept getting worse, I couldn’t stay awake during the days, became extremely lethargic. And it didn’t get better after a week, it just kept getting worse. So I called my psychiatrist and told her the medication wasn’t working and I felt so very bad and tired.

I got a new appointment with her, which I can’t even remember really. She got worried and sent me off to the psychiatric ward, where they did the standard blood test. Then sent me off to a room. Luckily I had anticipated for something like this to happen, so I had brought the work phone as well as chargers, so I could call in sick to work. A while later, three people suddenly entered and told me I had to go to the hospital right now, two of them were from the hospital transport. They took me to Amager hospital, I was so confused and not really present at all. I don’t know what they told me, but I needed a blood transfusion immediately. I stayed there for a night, the only thing I can remember is going to the bathroom once.

The Amager hospital apparently wasn’t capable of providing the care I needed, I was transported yet again, to Rigshospitalet. The memories from here on are very blurry and sporadic. Eventually I heard that both of my kidneys were failing, when I was admitted on April 22nd, my kidney functionality was around 18%. If it drops under 20% it becomes lethal. Kidneys are also responsible for the production of blood, which wasn’t happening anymore and I had a very dangerously low count of red blood cells.

I’m super difficult to get blood from if the first attempt isn’t successful, as the poor nurses became painfully aware of after failing on the first try. During one of the first days there, when the daily blood test was to be taken, they didn’t succeed. Three nurses tried, eventually they called for a narcosis doctor to try with a ultrasound machine to find my veins, but it didn’t work very well either. They stung me all around the body, down to my feet and it took at least an hour to get the sample and my body had pretty much gone into shock since medical procedures and needles of any kind are one of my worst fears. Because of this it was decided to install a port for draining blood so this wouldn’t have to be repeated every day.

A kidney biopsy was ordered as well as more detailed blood tests to figure out why this kidney failure was happening. I would also have to call my parents in Sweden and tell them what was happening, and the fact that they couldn’t come and visit me, at all. I was in a quarantined zone of the hospital where no visitors were allowed, not even family. But also Denmark had closed its borders at the time, so they couldn’t even enter the country in the first place.

My only contact with the outside world was my phone that I treated as the most precious thing in the entire world, it was also pretty much the only thing I had with me. I would have long calls with my family talking about the most mundane and boring things but it was such a blessing to hear about, I would drag out the subjects as much as I could and so would they. I’d often cry after having to stop the calls.

The biopsy and tests revealed that I had antibodies that shouldn’t be there. My immune system was attacking the body, pretty much. This autoimmune disease is very rare, Microscopic Polyangiitis, and will cause kidney failure (and other organ failures) if not discovered and treated in time. Since I barely had any prior symtoms, it wasn’t discovered in time. My lungs were also examined as the disease usually targets kidneys and/or lungs, but no significant damage was found there luckily.

I was put on steroids (prednisone 60 mg) that would support the kidneys and dampen the damage from the antibodies as well as chemotherapy (Sendoxan 100 mg) that would shut down the immune system almost completely. Synthetic hormone injections every week to stimulate the production of red blood cells.

Every morning a blood test was done a 6:00, as well as checking the temperature and blood pressure. I was forced to drink 3 liters of fluid every day (which I logged on a paper meticulously - every ml counted) and I could only pick between water, disgusting orange juice or disgusting apple juice. Except during lunch, when I got a small package of milk - this became pretty much the highlight of my day. One glass of milk. That was like pure joy, it tasted so divine. In just a few days your entire world shifts in such a way that this package of milk is what you look forward to the next day.

All day I was bedbound and in a haze, time was entirely dependent on medicine, meal and test times like a work schedule, from the 6:00 tests to the final 23:00 medications, that left 7 hours of rest that was robbed from me because prednisone makes you unable to sleep well, even with the sleep aids I got. Despite being in bed almost all day every day, I was constantly sleepy and tired but I would never get any rest. Couldn’t even pee normally either, had to collect everything in a bottle for them to log.

But of course it would get worse. After about 6 days, my doctor came in and told me that the treatment didn’t seem to be working fast enough. My kidney functionality kept dropping, now at 13%, creatinine levels above 400 (it should never be above 80 for women, around 200 is kidney failure). They had one more weapon to combat this - plasmapheresis. This would mean connecting me to a machine that would take out my blood, clean it from the harmful antibodies, and put it back in again. Hopefully this would buy me time for the treatment to win. To do this, they had to cut up my throat to insert two tubes that would take in and out the blood. I had to be awake during the whole procedure to control the breathing as instructed.

I wasn’t connected to the machine all the time. A few hours every other day. It was noisy, sounded like a miniature washing machine, and I hated it so much. The tubes in my throat, blood going in and out of me, it was just pure terror even if the procedure itself didn’t hurt. I got some mild sedatives but they were way too mild and didn’t do shit. The fact that I didn’t have to be connected to the machine every other day became yet another highlight like the milk. I’d talk about how today was such a good day because it was a no machine day, like a holiday.

Showering was horrible too. Because of the tubes I had to avoid getting them wet as much as possible while still somehow washing the hair. Then the tape around the tubes had to be changed and I hated anyone touching that area. I went for as long as I could between the showers, up to 9 days.

I was quickly becoming very weak, as the medications and chemo ate away at my bones and muscles. My legs have always been strong, I’ve had no problems doing squats with a grown man hanging on my back. But one day when I was in the bathroom, I spilled some toothpaste on the floor. I squat down to wipe it, but I couldn’t get back up again. My legs were way too weak. I ended up having to drag myself up via the toilet and sink, it felt so humiliating I refused to use the button to call for help. I bet it took several minutes to get back up standing.

It was still very unsure if I would make it, the plasmapheresis wasn’t a guaranteed help. One day a psychologist came to talk to me, but the only thing I remember is that he asked if I was afraid of death. I told him that my current biggest fear was the damn tubes in my neck, the constant needles, every day the touching and prodding of my body, but it didn’t seem like it got through to him. Maybe because my Danish was so damn shitty too, I could barely articulate myself and what I felt in Swedish, much less in English or Danish, I think I was mostly rambling incoherently.

In the meantime my parents had been writing the hospital for updates and visitation possibilities, and eventually the kind nurses and doctors there started fighting for getting my parents to visit. They got granted an exception by the hospital to visit my room once per day, but they still couldn’t get into the country. My parents contacted the Danish police asking if an exception could be made since it now was entirely possible that this could be the last time they’d see me. They were eventually granted permission and now the final hindrance remained - getting there. Since they live far up north, the transportation options are limited especially during corona. There were essentially no flights, so the second best option was train for about 2 days.

As luck would have it, the plasmapheresis did help, my kidneys were slowly recovering and once I got up to around 25% functionality, I was free from the damn machine and the medications now had the upper hand against my stupid immune system. In the final days at the hospital, my parents arrived. And we could actually be happy because it seemed like the danger was over. I begged the doctor to release me and let my parents help me at home instead. I knew how to take the medications by now and it wouldn’t be necessary for daily tests anymore. She agreed but I had to come to the hospital every few days for a checkup.

And that concluded my first chapter of this disease and kidney failure. Thank you for reading all the way to here, I appreciate it.

#njursvikt #sjukhus

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asphyxheart · 4 years ago

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The night of the 30th of August

Back to real stuff with that story. The 30th of August is the night I tried to die and nearly managed to do it. I will give more details in the following text. But first, I need to say that I need to speak about it. It’s not something poeple asked me, this is not to draw attention like some poeple said in my dms or whatever stupid random thing you could think off. I write, and if poeple react, eh, why not, bur really I don’t care if you enjoy or not. That being said, let’s start the story in itself.

When I loaded the crossbow this night, I had no idea I was about to shot myself. Sure, I unlocked the safety so if I ever pull the trigger, it would shots, but I did it automatically. I made some pushes and breathold to make my heart pound and find the good spot to put the tip of the nail I was about to shot in my heart. Once I found the spot, I placed the crossbow and put a finger on the trigger.

At that moment, it was lost. I had no more coherent thoughts, just a whirling wind of abstract and delusive thinkings. Worthless. Live ? but why. Death was appealing. Very seductive. Why live why live why live. I am useless. Useless again and again. Why living. Death. I want to die. Not live. Those are the only thing I remember, but I stood there for a solid 15 minutes with that crossbow aimed at my heart. I was completly lost in my mind, confused at such a point I couldn’t even remember where I was, who I was, what I was doing. I was nothing at that moment. Pure incoherent thoughts.

Then I shot. As easy as that, I pulled the trigger. The shock of the nail entering my body woke me up and I realised that I eventually might have done something stupid. Note that I still don’t regret having tried to die, I only regret having panicked and called the emergencies. So, after I woke up from that…narcosis of thoughts, I called emergencies because…well, I was dying, and my survival instinct, curse on it, made me call the 144 (Swiss emergency number).

It is hard to describe how it feels to have a nail in the heart and lung. It felt like a punch, then no more pain for some minutes, just a disturbance where the nail was because it was moving. It was a like having a needle in the skin, but bigger obviously, and a little bit burning. No blood was spurting out, I wasn’t shouting in pain or begging for my life as some poeple asked me in my dm, I was “just“ in shock, so most of the physical pain signals were blocked because of the massive adrenaline release.

I also called the guard service of my company. Us Swiss need to serve yearly in the military duty, and I was in the middle of my yearly duty service. I called them to say I will not be able to come the next day because I had a pretty bad accident.

After that second call that felt very important to me at that particular moment, I went in my living room and waited the emergencies. The doctor of the village I live in arrived first and began to take my blood pressure and ECG, stething me and even if things were going a bit grey, I saw he was concerned. The nail was moving at each beat of my heart. I remember the bpm, that was of 32. Then I closed my eyes but stayed counscious. It was hard to keep the eyes open. It was damn hard to breath too. My pierced lung had accumulated some air in the pleural cavity and was slowly crushing my lung, pushing my heart and misplacing the rest of my internal organs. It became more evident in the ambulance (I’ll speak of that later).

The ambulance arrived and I walked to the bed they had prepared for me. It was hard to walk too, because it made the nail move and the pain was beginning to come back. I remember they injected something in me to help my heart beat and put me under oxygen, with the mask. Truly, you don’t know how needed those mask are until you are in need of one yourself. It helped me a lot with breathing but I still had a very bad breathing. The ambulance began its travel and drived fast to the CHUV, because it was the only hospital in my department that had the correct equipement. It was approximately 120km away from my home. But as it was 2-3am, no one was on the road so the ambulance travelled very fast. I remember…a lot from that ambulance, including when they needed to stop because breathing was impossible for me. The pneumothorax turned to be an acute pneumothorax and was beginning to push my heart and crush the right lung. They stopped the ambulance and pierced the pneumothorax. The sound, I will remember all my life I think. Pshhhhhhhh. Under pressure gas, really. Because…air was under pressure in my chest actually, and gas in the chest cavity is pretty bad usually.

Anyway, they drained the air and I could breath again. I heard some words but didn’t paid attention to them as they were not directed to me. I remember “very visible jugular“ words, that’s all. The ambulance travelled to the hospital and we arrived at the CHUV.

The CHUV is one of the biggest Swiss hospital. I arrived at the emergency department and at least 30 poeple were waiting there. Well, maybe not 30, but for how numb I was, that felt like a litteral crowd. I remember having thought “all those poeple for me ? but no, don’t, it’s not worth. Go to sleep“. Then they cut my pant with scissors, placed green sheets over my chest and began to sedate me I suppose ? I don’t remember. I do remember the bright flash light when the bed was pushed to the operating room, then I passed out. I don’t know if it was because of cardiac tamponad (the surgeon that operated me said I was very close to death when he opened me) or because of the ketamin they used to sedate me. They told me it was ketamin. No idea actually, I just trust my doctors about everything.

Anyway, the bright light, then the darkness.

And I woke up.

I fucking woke up.

My first words, once they removed the intubation tube to make me breath, were “and shit“.

I was sore, the same soreness as if you had pushed your body to its limit during a sport session and didn’t do the stretching. Everywhere was hurting, breathing was agony. My breathing volume was so low (they gave me that tuby tube thing to breath in to train again my lung to breath alone, I’ll send a pic if I can find it again). Moving my hand was sending pain in my chest, moving my head, moving my legs. Pain.

I got the visit of the psy who asked me straight away why I did that. I answered I wanted to die and still wanted to. I kinda still want too nowadays, but I’ll speak of that later. I got his visit 4-5 times for the week I was in hospital. I spent 3 days in ICU, 2 days in…“soins continus“ and 2-3 days in normal room. The time after I woke up meant nothing, I was completly disconnected and didn’t care about anything. To me it just felt like another failure, but this one like the ultaimate failure. I got the complete opposite of what I initially wanted.

It is a very strange feeling to have a breastbone in 2 pieces and not in one solid piece. I felt very vulnerable. And weak, so weak. That’s normal after such a big operation and long sedation, but still. My chest was smooth and tender, if a book was laid on it I felt it would make a hole.

Days at hospital could have been annoying, but to me, it wasn’t. I slept a lot, get drugged a lot (for painkiller), slept because of painkiller, then ate my food (one hour for a biscuit, otherwise I threw up), then slept again. Some visits, the psy, the police, my captain. My family. When i was physically better they put me in psychiatric hospital for a week and a half, then I went home. And that’s it. What happened during the night of the 30th of August.

But no death, not this time. Another time, maybe. Or not. I don’t know. For my mental state right now as I write this story, it is half half. I half want to die and half want to live. I take my medecine and go to every appointement with my psy. I think it’s helping ? In another hand I just think it’s a waste of time and they should focus on other poeple because I am not worth it. I know it’s depression that makes thought like that and that I should take distance from those, but it’s hard, very hard. Death is still pretty appealing and I uncounsciously look for another safe way of dying, but at the same time I don’t want to. See ? hard to explain, and severe ambivalence. Screw me.

#suicide #Open Heart Surgery #dark cardiophilia #cardiophilia

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pi-creates · 4 years ago

Note

Have you caught covid ever, Pi? Are you nervous about it?

[preface that this is a long winded talk of medical problems - ignore this if that sorta stuff is upsetting to you]

Ok, so this is going to be a longer response than you probably are interested in, so the short version is that I think I got infected with Covid-19 early last year, but due to my inability to get tested until way later, I’ve been told that it’s unlikely I’ll know for certain if I was until there’s blood tests to detect trace amounts of antibodies readily available.

=====

So the long version is that I was having some bizarre breathing problems in February/March (I can’t remember the exact time) last year, and I made an appointment to get tested. When I went to get tested, I was told because I hadn’t been overseas in the past 2 weeks and I couldn’t name a direct link to a confirmed case, then I couldn’t have Covid and therefore couldn’t get tested.

This was utter bullshit because this was around the same time that Tom Hanks was vacationing here and hospitalised at the local-ish university hospital. There was Covid in the community, unless they wanted me to believe Tom and his wife didn’t visit the beach or the shops, or anywhere with people. And aside from that - how does the first person get tested for everyone to connect to later? Funny how it looks like nobody is sick when you don’t let them be tested.

Regardless, I’m not a doctor, so I wanted to believe this guy. I told him I was having breathing issues, random fever spikes, nausea from being hyper aware of my own breathing, and a weird inability to think clearly. I described my breathing problem as “like asthma, but different and in the bottom of my chest instead of the top” and mentioned that along with the bottom half of my lungs feeling constricted, it felt like any air that I breathed deep into my lungs wasn’t doing anything. I only felt like I wasn’t out of breath if I was breathing faster and at the top of my chest – this is not how I normally breathe and it was a conscious effort to change that.

But I apparently didn’t have a low blood oxygen level at the time, and it didn’t sound like my lungs were obstructed. Which I did tell him that I didn’t currently feel out of breath because I had changed my breathing pattern to not feel that way – but that was what was making me feel sick.

He told me what I was experiencing was a complication with asthma and allergies… conditions I’ve had for a long time and know what they feel like. This wasn’t that. It didn’t feel like that. But again, not a doctor, if he wants to prescribe me with more steroids and a red inhaler, then I was open to trying it and seeing if it helped.

Then as I was leaving, he gave me this weird look and told me to continue staying isolated until my symptoms were gone.

But like… in case someone catches my allergies? Or asthma? This didn’t make sense to me. That made it sound like he thought I was infected. Which I think may have been true in retrospect, and that maybe there was some regulation that meant he couldn’t test me without confirmation of a transmission point.

In any case, I got my medication and inhaler. I hadn’t ever used the red inhalers since my asthma is very mild and strictly allergic asthma that I can normally get through without a complete airway closure. And that red inhaler hurt. A lot. It was awful, it made it so much more painful to breathe. And honestly, I don’t feel like it fixed anything.

Still I persisted with the medication. And I got worse.

I couldn’t lie on my back, at all. I would wake up in the night because I had rolled onto my back and lost feeling in my lips and fingers. For some reason I was having difficulty walking properly because my knees wouldn’t “lock”. I couldn’t read because I couldn’t remember enough words in order to understand the context. I had one really weird day where everything tasted wrong. I never again want to taste a roast chicken that tastes like sour lollies.

And the thing is, we were told to not go to the hospital unless it was urgent, and I never had a symptom that I couldn’t at least manage to a degree that made me not feel like I was in danger. I would lean severely forward while sitting and I could breathe better. I would take breaks every half hour or so to lie on my stomach and breathe. I slept a lot and spent a lot of time lying down or sitting because walking was exhausting. Also had a rather long stint where I would fall asleep randomly during the day while sitting up.

And the weird thing was that as the symptoms slowly dissipated over like 3 months, I had roughly 2 weeks where I felt normal again. I thought it was over, and that maybe I’d feel weak for a while, but it was over.

Then it was like getting hit with a second wave. Breathing was weird, but not the same degree, I could not think at all, still couldn’t read properly, I was sooo tired, and now I also was having random heart palpitations and sudden blood pressure fluctuations (I started checking my own blood pressure because I could physically feel something wrong and yeah, I was dropping into low and then going higher than normal on other occasions).

So like…. It was weird.

I went to the doctor and was told I had “post-viral fatigue” … meaning those allergies and asthma, that was a virus. Funny...

And I’m not the only one in my family who got sick. I got sick after trying to take care of my Ma who got sick. She actually managed to push harder on tests because we had all the exact same symptoms (but with me being 2 weeks behind) and she was diagnosed with chronic fatigue syndrome from this – and whether that lasts forever or will dissipates is unknown in this case.

So yeah….

Does that sound like Covid to you?

Because I still don’t feel like myself. Most of the bigger symptoms are gone, but I have so little energy and had mild muscular atrophy from being sick for so long. And it really feels like the more I try to fix my muscular weakness, the more tired I get. More strength, but less stamina. And sometimes I just can’t think at all, it’s like every single thought just leaves my brain. It sucks. I am living in hope that if I keep active that maybe I can push through it…. But like, there’s good days and bad days.

The last few days have been bad days. For a few reasons, but extreme fatigue is one of them.

I do seriously hope that what has happened to me isn’t common with people who do get infected – but it is equally frustrating trying to explain these things to people who don’t seem to understand why I’m so tired. Because there is a lot of focus on how to help people in the peak symptoms (which is a good thing), but that focus is gone once you’re out of the woods (bad thing). I just want to know if what I’m going through will resolve eventually.

And to answer the second part of your question… I’m not nervous about getting Covid anymore - I’m pretty sure I had it and I am very careful around people now. But I am nervous that the lingering effects won’t go away.

#sorry if this is a bit of a downer #the whole experience was a downer

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stories-for-sell · 4 years ago

Text

When the bell for lunch rang, Aaron moved to quickly leave the classroom, only to find himself blocked by Balto.

"Outta my way." He growled, trying to slip past him, just to be blocked again. A low warning growl started up, rumbling in the back of his throat.

Balto stood his ground, red eyes staring into black ones. "So, is it actually true? You of all people are dating Alejera?"

"Does it matter? Leave him alone, Balto, our relationship is none of your business."

Aaron snarled at him, walking away, roughly bumping into his shoulder on purpose as he left the classroom. Walking down the hall, he noticed out of the corner of his eyes, kids moving out of his way and whispering, catching snippets of conversations, piecing together what the looks were about.

“Do you think he’s in the Shadow Knights now?”

“-as making out in the bathroom!”

“-jera and Lycan!”

“Balto wasn’t the onl-!”

The comments followed him all the way to the lunch room, where he sat down next to Aphmau, groaning in annoyance. The girl looked up at him, waiting to hear what was annoying him; but as he opened his mouth, a pair of arms wrapped around his neck, pulling him back against someone, who dropped their chin onto his head. Instantly, people around them hushed for a couple seconds before picking up where they left off in their conversation.

Gene grinned down at Aaron, fake sweetness in his voice as he spoke. “Hey baby~ How was class, boring I bet.” He said calmly, like this was a normal thing he did everyday,

Aphmau stared at the two of them, shocked confusion on her face as he lifted a hand, pointing at them and trying to find the words to express what was on her mind.

“What’s wrong Kitty? Jealous that I’m with Aaron and you aren’t?”

Aaron elbowed Gene in the ribs as a warning to watch his mouth and remember their deal, smirking in satisfaction as he heard the soft grunt of pain escape Gene. Turning to look at Aphmau, he gave her a sympathetic look and mouthed ‘Just go with it, please.’ Receiving a nod, he then turned, arms looping around Gene’s waist and yanking him, harder than necessary, half on the seat and half on his lap. He couldn’t help the smirk forming on his face when Gene let out a surprised squeak, tanned face darkening with an embarrassed blush.

“D-Did ya miss me, Puppy~” He asked, trying to regain control of the situation.

“Rule 2, Gene.. Don’t call me puppy or I’ll rip your insides out.~” Aaron snarled gently into his ear, just loud enough for Gene to hear him.

A shudder went down the teen’s spine when the low, dangerous toned voice spoke in his ear, hot breath ruffling his hair. It took a lot in him not to let out a soft whimper, to keep himself from giving in and losing the game they were playing.

The rest of the day consisted of Gene and Aaron bumping into each other, occasionally being somewhat touchy with each other when people were looking. When the final bell rang, Aaron quickly exited the school building and turned to the student parking lot, something catching his attention.

Balto was just visible around the corner, and from the way he was standing, he had someone pinned against the wall. Now usually, Aaron would ignore this, but something in his gut said to save the poor kid who was with Balto. So, he set off swiftly for him, and when he turned the corner and saw who was pinned against the wall, his heart skipped a beat, nearly stopping all together. He took in the scene before him, breath catching in his throat, bile threatening to come up.

Blood soaked the wall behind the poor kid, who looked like they’d just been beaten within centimeters of life. Eyes were dull and gazing at nothing in particular, clothes hung in tatters. There were bite marks crossing all over one arm, but not deep enough for werewolf saliva to get in and turn them, thankfully. His hair hung over his face, shielding the guy’s identity from anyone but Balto. Neither seemed to realize Aaron was there as the wolf reared back, before throwing his fist forward, a loud cracking noise echoing through the parking lot, a nose definitely being broken.

The pained cry sent shivers down Aaron’s spine as the boy began to actually struggle with the little energy and strength he had left, and when he squirmed, his hair fell out of his face, and dull blue eyes caught sight of Aaron, red ones following suite as he nearly bolted with a figurative tail between his legs. But he was stuck, turned to stone as he stared at the mess of a kid Balto had created, and in his mind flashed images of what might happen if he didn’t help.

‘Gene, bruised, bloodied, and damaged, looked up weakly at him, eyes glazed over, cheeks glistening from tears. His uniform was torn to shreds, and Aaron could see blood soaking the undershirt from a nasty wound on his stomach. Balto, shocked at seeing Aaron, let go of Gene, and the world seemed to slow as they watched his body drop to the ground, a pained cough escaping him, blood dripping from his mouth and busted lip. His nose was swollen and broken, eyes already turning black, cheek bruised.

‘Aaron did not recall much of what happens next, only that Balto was in desperate need of a doctor. He sighed, still furious from the sight he saw, driving down the road and turning onto his street, adjusting the rear view mirror of his truck to make sure the teen laying, soaking his seats with blood, in the backseat was still semi-conscious. Which was a no.

‘Him pulled into the drive, relieved to see that his parents weren’t home, which meant he only had to get past Melissa. Stopping the truck and turning it off, he quickly hopped out and opened the back seat door, reaching in to pick Gene up. Doing a quick sweep of the nearby houses and spotting no one, he makes his way to the front door, unlocking it carefully and pushing it open, carrying Gene inside and kicking the door shut. So far so good, but his luck decided to run out very quickly, as Melissa walked into the foyer, opening her mouth to say something before stopping, mouth agape, eyes wide, staring at the unconscious man in her younger brother’s arms.

‘“Aaron.. What did you do!?” She exclaimed, rushing over to take the boy and start patching him up.

‘This resulted in the two basically playing tug-of-war with Gene’s body, jostling the poor boy and hurting him. Eventually they managed to set him on the couch, and were now standing in the nearby open kitchen, arguing about what to do.

‘“You beat a kid nearly to death!”

‘“It wasn’t me, Melissa.. It was the werewolf Alpha at our school, Balto.. He’s been trying to get to Gene for ages.”

‘“We need to patch him up, and make sure he’s ok.. Do you still have a first aid kit in the truck?”

‘“No.. I used the rest of it after I got into a fight.. And I think the ones in here aren’t fully stocked…”

‘“Tengo un botiquín de primeros auxilios en mi auto…” A voice piped up, making both Lycan kids turn to stare at the speaker.

‘Gene looked at them, sitting up slightly, looking disoriented as he gave them a slight goofy grin.

‘“I’m sorry.. What? I’m fluent in Spanish.” Melissa said calmly, taking control of the situation for her brother.

‘“Solo soy fluido porque soy parte latino… Mi papá era latino, mamá era estadounidense. Dante se parecía a mamá.”

‘“I’ve no idea what he’s saying…” Aaron mumbled, waving his hand to get Gene’s attention. “Do you remember what happened?”

‘“Uhh ... Lobo loco estaba enojado porque yo no ... salir con él

??? No recuerdo exactamente.”

‘“.. In English?”

‘“Uhh... Mad wolf was angry cause I wouldn't..date.. him??? I don't remember exactly. Ughhh, my head hurts, Aaron.. What happened.. Everything hurts…. Fuck.. Lycan.. I think I need a hospital... ” His eyes travelled downwards to look at the blood soaked shirt he wore, eyes widening at all the blood; it was strange, for him to seem so calm when he’s bleeding to death on Aaron Lycan’s couch..

‘Melissa sighed, running off to search for a first aid kit, while Aaron walked over to Gene.

‘“Can I have your phone.. Or your mother’s phone number? Or even Dante’s number.”

‘“Simplemente no coquetees con Dante.” He mumbled, slipping out of consciousness once more after handing his phone over and unlocking it for Aaron.’

Aphmau’s scream of horror is what jarred him from the imaginary scenario that had felt like hours long, yet seemed to be only seconds. Balto bolted from the scene as her and her two.. Not-alone buddies?? came running towards them, while Aaron caught Gene as he fell to the ground, pulling him against his chest.

“Holy cow!! What pissed Balto off so much!?” Travis asked, watching Vylad and Aphmau help Aaron lift Gene back up onto his feet again.

“I don’t know.. But he needs a hospital.. Come on, call your parents, let them know why you might be late getting home, but I can’t take him by myself.” Aaron told them, starting off in the direction of his truck and watching the other three scurry after him, Aphmau staying close as she helped support Gene.

They got him into the truck, stretched out in the back seat, head in Aphmau’s lap. Vylad in the other seat, using his over shirt to apply pressure to the bleeding. All of them listened to the soft groans and whines that escaped the barely conscious Latino as he tried squirming away from their grips.

In a spur of intelligence, Travis leaned around in the passenger seat, grabbing Gene’s abandoned backpack Vylad had been smart enough to grab and dug through it, pulling out a phone protected in a dark blue case that had a photo pasted over it of himself and Dante. He handed it over to Aaron after unlocking it and opening emergency contacts… all of which were in spanish.

“We need to call a family member.. Maybe his mom?”

“Gene’s mom is probably at dance practice, waiting for him.. So why not Dante?” Aphmau suggested, ignoring the confused look Vylad shot her.

“I need Google Translate..” Aaron grumbled, looking through the contacts and clicking on the one that was, thankfully, labelled ‘Hermanito(Dante)’. He held it to his ear listening to it ring before a female voice answered the phone, speaking in Spanish, assuming it was her son.

“Eugene .. ¿Está todo bien? Dante está en la ducha.”

“I don’t speak spanish ma’am..”

Silence, before she spoke again, English thank Irene this time, voice turning even more concerned than it originally was.

“What happened to mi hijo?” She asked, waiting for a response, Aaron panicking, unsure of what to tell her. His throat turned dry, closing up, bile once again threatening to come up as the image of Gene torn to shreds flashed in front of his eyes.

Aphmau, seeing his panic, stole the phone from Aaron, putting it on speaker phone.

“Hello Mrs. Alejera.. It’s Aphmau.. Uhm.. Gene was.. We’re on our way to the hospital.. He’s not looking very good.”

“I’m on my way… Aphmau.. Save my son. Please.. We can’t lose him too.”

With that, she hung, apologizing to her dance instructor before speeding to grab all of her stuff.

The drive to the hospital felt like hours, but couldn’t have been longer than 30 minutes at the most. They stopped the car, carefully hoisting Gene, who was now more conscious than earlier. And a lot more expressive of his pain. They were lucky they had Aphmau, who could at least understand what he was saying.

The doctors instantly got him onto a stretcher and began questioning the teens who had brought him in, wondering if they could provide answers as to who did this, where he was found, how much blood was lost.

Saving them from silence as they tried to answer was the sound of a familiar blue-haired flirt bursting through the front doors, demanding to see his older brother. It took Aaron and some doctors to hold Dante back from running into the halls. Behind him, a poor young-looking woman entered the room, rushing to Dante to contain her youngest son from causing commotion. One look at her made it obvious that Gene got his well… genes.. from his father, who was nowhere to be seen.

Seeing the mother of their patient, a nurse made a beeline towards her, gently pulling her to the side to speak, Dante following now and squeezing his mother’s hand in comfort.

The news wasn’t good.. Gene had to have immediate surgery and blood transfer because of the amount he lost. He was basically sitting on Death's stoop, as if deciding whether to walk through the door or not, clinging to the thread of life. If they had waited any longer to bring him here, there wouldn’t be any chance of saving him.

Balto was expelled from the school the following day after police came with the news that Aaron and the others had told them, and was put in jail until they decided on a sentence that would suit him. Gene wasn’t in school for an entire month, and no one involved was allowed to disclose information about what happened and where he was. Not even to Zenix and Sasha. When he finally returned, in the last stages of recovery, no one, not even Dante, knew he was gonna be at school that day, until he walked into the lunch room, effectively silencing the entire school, looking around, and heading straight for Aaron, sitting next to him and leaning on his shoulder. For, during his recovery, Aaron helped him along every step of the way and the two had grown rather close, Aaron was even planned to be in the courtroom for Baloto’s sentencing, since he witnessed part of the attack, and was the one who had driven him to the hospital. But in the end, he was still his pretend boyfriend, right?

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3centsofbutter · 5 years ago

Text

Memoirs of a Medic - BNHA

Chisaki Kai / Eri

Part 1/2

“Chisaki, I’ve brought you tea”

The hallway was silent. You stood outside the metal door, tea tray in hand, patiently staring at the blank concrete wall. You were notified by Irinaka this morning that Kai was dealing with some bottom tier members, something about an incident at Minami ward under the Hassaikai name. His exact words were “Stay out of it till noon if you know what’s good for you.” You looked down at your watch.

‘10:25’

It was tea time. Regardless of what anyone said, 10:30 is when Kai liked to drink tea and no menial task such as dealing with lowlife scum was going to interrupt his daily scheduling. Everything had to be orderly, just how he liked it.

The door opened and you were faced by Hari’s apathetic expression. He greeted you with a curt nod and pointed towards Kai’s desk.

Six bodies mangled beyond recognition were slumped against the left wall. Their hands and feet were bound by thick ropes and their blood was splattered over the white walls. You sidestepped around them and placed the tray onto his desk. “Would you like me to arrange for Botan to deal with the bodies this afternoon?”

He unbuckled his mask and placed it to the side. “Yes, at four.”

He shrugged off his bloodied jacket onto his chair and peeled off what used to be white gloves, now stained red. He walked to the sink and began to wash his hands.

“Kato sit, Kuruno come here, everyone else out of the office”

You were Yasuko Kato, a childhood friend of Kai Chisaki, the infamous young Yakuza head of the Shie Hassaikai. You were the sole medic of the organisation thanks to your quirk ‘regeneration’ allowing you to transform and transfer your energy by the needle-like ends of your hair into the pressure points of your patient’s body, magnifying the healing process tenfold. You were taken in by the Previous boss at a young age and grew up under the wing of the Hassaikai, being considered main family children alongside Kai and Hari Kuruno growing up.

Irinaka threw you a side-eyed glare before bowing and leaving the office with everyone else. Hari pulled out the seat and motioned for you to sit before taking the seat next to you. It wasn’t often that Kai ever requested a meeting with you, it wasn’t necessary as you weren’t directly involved in the big operations the Hassaikai pulled, you only dealt with the aftermath.

Once the door clicked shut. Kai placed a small red box on the table. “Hari, Iku, we’ve reached the end goal.”

He opened the case and pushed it towards you. You stared at the 5 red cylindrical bullets and your eyes widened, it couldn’t be. You looked back at Kai.

“You finished it.”

Kai nodded, “I finished the formula during last Thursday’s extraction. I tested it myself on some of the goons and since then, they haven’t regained any of their quirk abilities.” He leaned back in his chair. “I think this is it.”

Hari picked up one of the bullets and held it in the light. “Does this mean we will go into mass production soon?”

“Yes, it would seem so.”

Your stomach dropped.

Kai turned to face you. “Yasuko, you know this means we will be needing your services more frequently now.”

He noticed your unnerved expression and sighed. “Yasuko you have become too attached. It is a small sacrifice that will bring back the Hassaikai name as the ruler of the underground. This is what dad would have wanted. This is what you wanted, is it not?”

You scrunched your face in disgust, “Don’t you dare bring dad into this!” You sneered, his face remained unchanged. “Please Kai, aren’t the quirk boosting drugs enough to sustain the Hassaikai name? She’s only just a child.”

“No, we-”

“We were like her once, do you have no heart?”

Kai sighed and stood up. “Stop being foolish, Yasuko. You are lucky to be who you are but this is crossing the line.” He grabbed your face and pulled it close towards his, You could feel his quirk on his fingertips, causing your skin bubble under the surface. You could smell the oolong tea in his breath. His piss-yellow eyes bore into yours.

“Nothing will stop me, not even you, so know your place and stay in it.”

You slapped away his hand and glared at him. You were powerless against him and he knew it. Kai, satisfied with your reaction, closed the box and slipped it into his pocket.

“Hari I will see you about the Minami incident later, Yasuko take my jacket and have it washed, A six you are required at Eri’s room, understand?”

There was nothing more to say.

“Hai.”

It was six o’clock and you were outside Eri’s room. You could see Hari approaching with Eri slung over his shoulder. As usual, she was fast asleep, knocked out from exhaustion after Kai’s extraction sessions. You were never told what went on during those sessions but the scars that lined Eri’s body were more than enough to paint a clear picture.

“I’ll be handing her onto you now,” Hari said, passing the small child into your arms. He stared into your eyes and hesitated for a second, carefully considering his words.

“On what Kai said earlier, You shouldn’t allow yourself to get attached, It’s going to hurt you later on.”

You used your fingers to comb through a matted knot in Eri’s hair. He was right, you chose the life of a yakuza and accepted Kai as your leader. It was your duty to devote yourself entirely for your family and follow orders blindly without hesitation. But somehow this little girl wormed her way into your heart and you became attached. She reminded you too much of yourself when you were younger to let go, you couldn’t bear to see someone suffer the way you did.

You sighed and turned your back to him. “You know it already has, Hari.”

He nodded disappointedly and retreated back into the winding hallway, the echo of his footsteps becoming fainter and fainter. One you were satisfied he was long gone, you push open Eri’s door and lay her down on the bed. You pressed your hand to her forehead and winced at the temperature, she always was feverish after extractions. You took off her nightgown and took out your hairpin allowing your long black hair to fall down from your usual low bun. Your hair then took a life of its own as it strands began whizzing around, inserting themselves into the young girl’s body. You took a seat next to the bed as you felt the energy being drained from you. Using your quirk generally didn’t cause over-exhaustion, but Eri was an entirely different case. Although Kai was supposed to reassemble her body, there were limits to what he could do, or what he was bothered to do, so she was always brought to you on the brink of death. You felt yourself lapse in and out of consciousness, your eyes fighting to stay open. You let your body relax and melt into the chair.

It was going to be a long night.

“Yasuko, we have customers”

Liquor, broken glass, smoke

“Brighten up buttercup, no one wants a sulky bitch to give them hits”

They all had different faces, some more familiar than the rest. Their breath reeked of alcohol and tobacco, yellow teeth and dirty fingernails.

“You stupid piece of shit, IT’S LIKE YOU’RE ASKING FOR A BEATING.”

Their sinister smirk and rough hands.

"Don’t get cocky princess, you’ll never amount to anything.”

“- to-san”

“Kato-san, please wake up.”

Your eyes shot open. Eri was tugging on your shirt, eyes darting all around the room in panic. You rubbed your eyes noticing how clammy your hands were. Your shirt, soaked with sweat, stuck to your body like a second skin.

You felt disgusting.

“Sorry about that, Eri.”

She tugged the hem of her dress, “S’okay, Kato-san is okay now.”

Her innocent expression made your body instantly ripple with guilt. She didn’t deserve this, it wasn’t right. You excused yourself and went for a quick shower. Your room was next door to Eri’s, it looked exactly the same as every other bedroom in the complex. The concrete walls were painted a dull cream colour, and the floor polished wood. The room was neat and orderly, devoid of personality, much like a hotel room. The only furnishings in the room consisted of your queen sized bed, dresser and floor length mirror. A giant scroll hung above your bed, painted was the Shie Hassaikai emblem underneath printed, ‘Help the weak, fight the strong’; Kai had long since strayed from those morals. A single framed photo on top of the dresser was the only proof the room was lived in. It was a photo taken years ago when you were only ten. It was clan pride day which meant you, Kai, and Hari were all dressed in kimonos. It was taken out in the courtyard with the big boss kindly smiling into the camera with all three of you gathered around him, dango sticks in hand. Those days were now distant memories lost in Kai’s greed for power.

You undressed and looked at your reflection in the mirror, your body was lined with scars from altercations with street thugs and other kids back in your teenage years. You were reckless and brave back then daring to fight anyone who dared to talk down on the Hassaikai name. You turned around and felt the giant scar that lined your back. It had been stretched weirdly throughout the years growing with you since you were only five.

Your mother possessed the same quirk as you, the regeneration quirk that allowed her to transfer her energy into a patient to magnify the healing process. In her early 20s, she lost her job at the hospital and quickly ran out of money. She was thrown into the streets and soon had to sell her body to survive. Not long after she became homeless, she realised that her quirk could do much more than just heal, when used on a body without any physical damage it resulting in a euphoric high much stronger than that of heroin. She then began to sell herself in a different way, targeting those growing bored of regular illicit drugs. Through this, she met your biological father who became her pimp. He arranged all her customers and took away all of her earnings, she couldn’t care less, she was wildly in love with him.

Two years passed and she eventually gave birth to you. You did not remember much of your early years of life but one thing was for certain, it was not filled with love. You spent most of your time with your mother in the house where strange people would come and go everyday. The air in the room was always cloudy with smoke and smelt like wet clothes, tobacco and alcohol. You remembered sitting in the corner of the room silently watching your father count money while your mother sat on the chair next to the beaten up mattress, paper skin, cracked lips and bruised skin, sent her hair slithering into every customer who walked in through the door.

She passed away from overexhaustion when you were four which coincidentally was when you began to show signs of your quirk developing. Your father, with the loss of his main source of income immediately put you to work. You filled in the place your mother once had and became familiar with the strange faces that you once observed from the corner. Your father pumped you with drugs in order to allow your small body to keep up with demand. He relentlessly sent in customers day in and day out to keep his own addictions well funded.

When you were six, a customer got too handsy with you. He tried to touch you, take off your clothes, while your father merely just watched from the doorway. You kicked his jaw making him unhand you in disbelief. You managed to scramble away and hide behind your father. The man angered by your retaliation unsheathed a small black hunting knife from his back pocket and waved it at your father. They briefly exchanged a few words you didn’t understand, you only remember your father pushing you forwards and locking the door. You screamed and cried for help, pounding on the locked door.

He struck.

One clean cut from the bottom of your shoulder blade across your back to your hip. You curled up in a ball on the floor and shrieked. The blood soaked through your white dress spilling onto the floor. The man looked down at his knife, your blood dribbling down the blade onto his hands, and realized what he had done. Panic flooded his veins. He was a homeless druggie, not a street thug, murders happened all the time in the red light district but the death of some six year old wasn’t going to fly, someone was going to catch wind of this and he’d get caught if you lived.

That's right, only if you lived.

He stood over you, knife in hand, eyes crazed with killing intent. His breath was heavily laboured, it reeked of alcohol and weed.

He swung.

You grabbed the knife by the blade before it struck your skull and threw it to the side. Your hair took a life of its own and shot at his neck piercing the Carotid sinus. He began convulsing, foaming at the mouth and collapsed on the ground. Your hand was gushing with blood, he had cut deep into your fingers. The pain was beyond anything that you had experienced. Out of instinct your hair connected to your back and fingers slowing down the blood.

You couldn’t stay here anymore, you didn’t want to. You slid open the window and ran into the depths of the red light district, away from your father and away from the walls that held you prisoner. That’s how Kai found you, passed out in a back alley covered with blood. He was only eight back then and stood by your body protecting you from stray drunks and the odd policeman until you regained consciousness.

“I’m Chisaki Kai, I’m gonna be honest, you look pretty bad and you got hair stuck in your hand.”

“I know, I’m Kato Yasuko”

He passed you a stale loaf of bread and you told him everything that happened right from the beginning. Your mother, your father, and the handsy customer. He listened intently and comforted you as you cried. Once it was over, he took your hand and began dragging you through the backstreets of the red light district.

“Where are you taking me? I don’t want to go back there.”

“We’re gonna burn that crack house down, retard.”

“You don’t even know where I used to live!”

“Then take me there or we’re gonna be running all day, loser!”

At that moment you couldn’t think of any better alternatives so you ran with him. His short maroon hair was easy to miss, he somehow was able to seamlessly melt into the shadows of the back alleys, weaving through dumpsters and crowds of morally questionable people. But in your eyes he was so bright, like a ray of sunshine. He didn’t seem to have a care in the world, it was like he wore the title street rat with pride. For the first time in forever you felt something positive. This dingy little ill mannered child gave your broken childhood hope. But like he always did, your father anticipated your return. He sat on the old rocking chair on the front porch, cigarette in hand. Staring both of you down as you approached the house.

“I’ve been waiting on your return, princess,” He smirked, “I almost got a little worried there.”

He stood up revealing the gun he had hidden in his other hand. He beckoned you to come forward.

“You’re gonna have to leave your friend outside” his voice became sinister. “We don’t want any dirty footprints in the house.”

Your father was born quirk-less and therefore found it necessary to carry a pistol everywhere he went. Your eyes flitted to Kai, he was seemingly unfazed by the gun and held his ground. You began to panic, Kai, your saviour, was going to die from your selfishness.

“Kai I can go back you don’t need to-”

“Shut up, Yasuko. Have a little hope. Geez!”

That was it, he had gone too far. It would have been easier for you to just go back to your father and spare Kai's life, but something was holding you back from moving forward. You didn’t want to let him go, you didn’t want to go back to that life. But reality weighed onto your shoulders and you made your resolve. But before you even got the chance to move, Kai bolted.

Two shots were fired from your father’s pistol.

The first pierced his shoulder, and the second his forearm. But he didn’t stop.

The colour drained from your father’s face once he realised he was out of rounds. Sweat dripped down his forehead as he backed himself up against the wall. He held out the gun despite its worthlessness and kept repeatedly pulling the trigger to no avail. Kai stood in front of him and reached his arm out.

It wasn’t a secret that you had lived a terrible life prior to that point. You had watched your mother and customers by the hands of your father die. Fistfights and dead prostitutes were no strangers to the streets of the red light district and neither were you. But none of this could have even prepared you for what you saw.

Kai’s hand sliced through your father’s abdomen like a hot knife to butter, it almost looked as if he stuck his hand through an illusion, but the blood that spilled brought you back to reality. You considered your father to be a stoic man, he had a tough exterior and never seemed to be fazed in any situation, even in his death he never begged for his life. You watched the flesh around Kai’s hand churn like a smoothie, enveloping his entire body, turning into an unrecognizable sludge. The whole time, your father’s eyes never left yours. His eyes scorched and burned into yours, making sure his face would live to haunt you in your nightmares. The last words he mouthed were as clear as day.

"Don’t get cocky princess, you’ll never amount to anything.”

…

It was over.

“Was that the first person you’ve ever killed?”

A hesitated pause.

“Yeah.”

As Kai promised you burnt down the house alongside both bodies with matches he stole from the convenience store. He allowed you to throw the first match, casting it onto the lump of flesh that had been your father. It didn’t burn much to your dismay, but the rest of the house did, and you had never felt more euphoric as you watched the flames consume the front porch. You both made a hasty escape before anyone bothered to check up on the house and scaled a nearby three story brothel and watched the blaze from the rooftops, hand in hand.

“You’re like a hero, y’know”

“Don’t call it that.”

You and Kai lived as street rats from that point onwards. Pickpocketing drunken strangers and stealing from street vendors, sleeping in back alleys and behind dumpsters to avoid law enforcement. It was tough but you were happy; you had Kai and that was all that mattered to you. Two years later, you were brought into the Shie Hassaikai and became a faithful servant to the clan. The knife wound from that day was too deep for it to completely heal so it left a nasty scar that branded your back from that point onwards. It was a constant unpleasant reminder of your father’s cocky smirk.

“You’ll never amount to anything,”

The water began to run cold bringing you out of your thoughts, you winced at the sudden temperature change and hastily left the shower. You slicked back your hair into a tight low bun, bobby pinning the stray hairs at the base of your neck. You quickly put on a fresh change of clothes, and took one last longing glance at the photo frame before returning back to Eri’s room.

“Right, let’s go.”

You both walked in silence though the labyrinth of hallways into one of the studies. You set Eri down at the table with a wad of cash and an accounting journal, allowing her to count it for you while you worked on your own treasury work. You never got any sort of education until the Shie Hassaikai at eight which made it extremely difficult to learn any academics without the basic fundamentals implemented at a young age, you made it your job to make sure Eri had some basic education just in case she managed to escape Kai. It was wistful thinking but you were adamant that it happened.

“What comes after 129, Kato-san?”

“130”

“Thank you, Kato-san”

She was so precious that it hurt.

‘I wish i could have given you more.’

Part 2

Master list of all my stuff

A/N: I really don’t know what to say. This idea has been stuck in my mind since I watched season 4 (late to the party I know). I merged the two parts together because I didn’t think the first part would work well by itself. This is the first ever long project I’ve ever started so please bear with me, I’m used to stand alone short projects. I don’t know how I feel about this one :P. I think I’ll put this up on wattpad or something once it’s all finished. Despite that, please enjoy.

78 notes · View notes

leglesstv · 4 years ago

Photo

THE DARK DAYS BACK– 2021

I have been struggling with how to start this piece. I guess I should tell you a little about myself.

What I do for a living is not who I am, yeah, I get to blow shit up and its super fun but it’s not what defines me.

I have been a water baby all my life from growing up on the beach to commercial diver.

The ocean or the ocean’s rhythm ebbs and flows within me.

Surfing has been the biggest part of my life for longer than I care to remember. For sure I have been out the water for extended periods before while working on projects overseas. Always with the knowledge that I will be getting wet again, sometime soon. I have never before been concerned that surfing will not be an option. I have always just figured I would surf till the day I die.

October 2019 we were still basking in the glory of a once in a lifetime trip to the Ments. 10 Kneelos on a boat sailing around the Mentawai’s. Absolutely what dreams are made of. Red, Giggs, Lester, Larry, Craig, Steve, Johan, Andrew and myself. Jason the skipper of Switchfoot made it 10 chargers in total.

We had also had a run of solid swell at the local, which for me was all time as my new Kneeon that Nick had shaped for me had arrived. Nick and I had chatted over the phone, had a few video calls and bam!! this magic carpet arrives. Oh my sack, I have never been happier with a stick. My surfing went up in leaps and bounds. Never been happier in my life.

Around this time, I started to get pains in my left hip which radiated down the leg. Initially it wasn’t too bad but it got progressively worse. It got to a stage where I literally couldn’t walk anymore. Thinking it’s got to be the hip, off I went to the hip specialist. Had some photos taken of the hip, back to the clever guy’s office and this is where things started to go south.

Mate, as hips go, yours look beautiful but I recommend you go see a neurosurgeon.

Your spine doesn’t look good at all.

You can imagine, I’m thinking “what the fuck, are you sure you’re looking at the right X-rays.”

So, at least by this time I was on crutches to help me get around and waddled off to see Dave. Dave is a neurosurgeon that had done some work on my spine before.

Same sort of story, pain in my shoulder, radiating down my right arm.

True as nuts, I had gone to the shoulder clever guy who had told me exactly what the hip guy had just told me. Anyway, a long story short, Dave did a decompression on the C7 and T1 vertebrae.

I was booked on a boat trip to the Maldives with my good mate Guy. He is a stand up but I love him anyway. I manage to get on the plane without really having tested the neck or having had time for rehab of any sorts. Probably not my brightest move. We had solid swell the whole trip, but truth be told, I was in constant pain.

Once back in SA, I was off to see Dave again. X-rays and CT scans followed, and Dave said unfortunately we going to have to fuse the C7 and T1 but we will go in through the front this time.

Absolutely no problems whatsoever and I was back in the water 3 months later.

Dave, howzit I’m back. More scans and X-rays (starting to know everyone by their first names by now) followed. Yip, pretty much the same story, crumbling, degeneration of the spine.

I was booked in for a decompression on the L4 and L5. The procedure was pretty standard and uneventful. Unfortunately, just as with the neck, the decompression was not successful. A week later, I was booked in for a multistage fusion, L4, L5 and S1.

So, they going to open me up again along the same incision line, not feeling great about that but hey, there are worse things in life. Waking up from this op was a rude awakening. Fuck me this shit hurts. Trying to move was pretty tender for sure. Anyhow the drugs did their thing and a few days later I was able to get out of bed and lose the dreaded catheter. Walking was fair interesting to say the least, I had to laugh at myself as I looked like a mummy.

Little shuffles with my hands out front but hey, I was mobile. The day they let me out rolled around. Crap balls I felt like shit and was fair tender. It felt like someone was taking a mallet to my head.

I remember battling to get into the wheelchair to get me to the car. The nausea was just incredible, I thought I was going to throw up all over the place. Between the porter and Jo (my wife) they managed to get me into the car.

The ride home is not too far but I was deteriorating at a rapid rate of knots. Got home, Jo managed to get me onto her “throne” where I just passed out.

Through the rest of the day and night I remember fleeting moments of being awake. Couldn’t move, didn’t know what was going on. Basically, a vegetable on the couch.

The next morning Jo realized that this wasn’t good. Somehow or other she managed to bundle me into the car. I have a memory of the gardener holding the car door open with a look of concern on his face. The next thing I was on a gurney at the hospital with Debbie staring at me. Debbie is Jo’s business partner and one of my best friends.

Tests and more tests.

Somehow or other I had picked up Bacterial Meningitis.

Jo had literally just saved my life. A few hours later and it wouldn’t have turned out well.

Some serious antibiotics and medication I can’t even pronounce later, my infection levels started coming down, but the headaches wouldn’t go away. Back into the noisy tube for some more scans. Was good to see all the guys and gals in radiology again.

Crap balls I had a rupture in the thecal sac. Basically, it’s a sac that runs up your spine and over the brain. The sac contains cerebrospinal fluid. When leaking the sac “collapses” on the brain causing insane headaches, headaches that are just next level. Think migraine on steroids.

Back into theatre to patch up the leak.

Once again, they opened me up on the same incision. Success at last, once again freedom day arrived and was bundled into the wheelchair again and back into the car.

Was great to be home with the animals for sure. Jo had made a bed for me in the lounge as walking at this point just really wasn’t an option. To say I was tender would be a bit of an understatement.

A day later, I got this incredible pain down my left leg. Kinda like being hit with a cattle prodder. I remember screaming as the first one hit. Absolute agony, pain like I had never felt. It would last for about 30 seconds but in that time, I couldn’t move a finger for fear of escalating the pain. I just screamed and screamed. Over the next two days, it got worse and more frequent.

This was an incredible low point. I remember crying like a baby. I was emotionally drained by this time. I remember thinking I just want to be normal again. Remember, I can hardly walk, can’t even get down on the toilet to take a dump. I hadn’t had a shit for as long as I can remember.

My wife was washing me and dressing me. It was taking its toll.

This carried on for two days until it got to a point where I just couldn’t move.

An ambulance and crew had to come and peel me off the couch eventually. They dosed me up, got a stretcher underneath me and carried me out to the ambulance.

Jesus, what the fuck!! But hey, could be worse…right?

Back to my favorite people with the noisy machine. Hi everyone, true as nuts I’m back. Another scan revealed that the crushed bone material that they place between your vertebrae was leaking out and catching the nerve going down my leg.

Another twirl in theatre to clean up the debris, by this time the clock on the wall and I were good friends. I used to watch the seconds tick by as the anesthetic started kicking in. I woke up from here being wheeled into high care. Now I have to tell you this was by far my worst experience.

The following morning two nurses came to wash me. I was in absolute agony and they kept moving me and turning me. I was screaming in absolute agony, but they wouldn’t stop and no-one came to help me. To this day I can’t understand it.

Couldn’t wait to get out of there and back on to a ward. Or so I thought…

From there they wheeled me into an isolation ward. Apparently, I had picked up the dreaded hospital Super bug. My infection count was in the 400’s (8 being normal) and to make matters worse, the headaches were back. I had sprung another fucking leak in my Thecal sack. FUCK!!!

Back to my old friend on the wall with the ticking second hand. Again, opening me up on the same line. This time I wasn’t friends with the clock on the wall.

Dave patched me up as best they could.

What the actual…

My new home turned out to be a glass box in the ICU. In isolation in intensive care. Jesus, this isn’t good.

Nurse and doctors were putting gear on to come into the glass box. “What’s going on???”

Machines were everywhere beeping and hissing. “Fuck me, this isn’t good.”

Waking up at 4am with people sticking needles into you to draw blood loses its shine after a while. I think all I ate for the two weeks was watermelon in the morning that Debbie used to bring me with a cup of coffee. When I say bring, I really mean bribe the porter.

Now you must remember I have basically been bedridden for 6 weeks and not had an appetite at all.

I could see the concern on peoples face when they came to visit, as much as they tried to hide it, it was there.

Nights were the worst and the tears used to flow. So as not to let the pressure in the Thecal sac become too great, they drained it every few hours. This as I’ve said to you before brings on insane headaches.

Morphine and I were no longer friends. It made me incredibly sad and depressed.

I came off the morphine by choice and gritted the teeth. Absolutely worth the pain.

Lester and Marco organized a live feed for me for the warmup session before the SA Kneeboarding Champs. What legends.

Once again, I cried like a baby, but these were tears of joy. It was so good to watch my mates surfing and everyone saying “hi” on the feed made me feel like a million bucks. The brotherhood is strong here in Cape Town. Love these boys.

At this point I was literally skin and bone, but my infection levels were coming down and I had managed to get out of bed and make the few steps to the toilet. The sun was definitely coming up for me. For the first time in a long time, I thought I was going to make it.

Fuck, the thought of dying in that glass box haunted me every night there.

Freedom day was like no other. Getting out of there into the sunshine and colors and breeze was a sensory overload, but hey, I was out and feeling good…ish.

My mates, Debbie and Sian had kept me going. Sian is my office manager and best friend.

She tried to feed me all the way through to no avail, true as nuts she used to arrive with bags of food.

God it was good to be home.

Reality starts to kick in pretty quickly. Fuck me am I ever going to be able to surf again, am I ever going to be able to sit on the toilet again (it’s the little things hahaha…)

Time to reset the mind from “fuck me, I don’t want to die in here to I need to get in the water again”.

Enter the amazing Lara, the physio that is a gift from the angels. I remember that late December day shuffling and shaking my way into her office. By this time, all my muscles had wasted away and just holding my frame up was as much as I could muster. I could do about 2 minutes before all my muscles started shaking from fatigue and I was still shuffling like a mummy.

The question Lara asked me off the bat was “what do you want to get out of this.”

“Just get me back in the water please,” was my response.

At this point it was a fantasy I had to believe in, physically I was a mess, but I think mentally I was scarred and the mental trauma was real. But fuck it, if I could survive that, I can achieve anything. The will to get back in the water was incredible and became all consuming.

Walking around the house became my exercise routine initially and braai tongs my best friend (in case I dropped stuff as bending was not an option). I had to hold on to everything at first as I walked along, eventually I could skip the kitchen counter on the way to the TV room and skip the chairs on the way to my room, and so it went on until I could just about walk the whole house without holding or resting.

Lara had given me gentle low impact stuff to do, just to tone the muscles and stretches to get some life back in the buggers. Everything hurt. This was a continuous process that I did all day every day for a few weeks. I was starting to feel more stable on my feet which did wonders for my mental wellbeing. Progress was gradual but I started noticing results which made me feel like a million dollars.

Getting behind the wheel again was a massive boost for me. My buddy Kante who is a running coach, walked with me from my local to St James, what a joy being next to the ocean again, mind surfing every bump that came through. I steadily built this up over time. Eventually I could make it to Muizenberg and back (5 kms). Everything ached at this point and the thought of shortening every walk was ever present. 4am wake ups every day can be a challenge and for sure there were mornings I couldn’t bear the thought of getting up. Sore back, sore hips, it’s dark and it’s cold, fuck this shit. On the odd occasion that I didn’t manage to get going, that feeling of worthlessness would set in. What the fuck is wrong with you, don’t you want to get back in the water? That’s not a cool feeling. I have probably missed 3 days in the six months I have been rehabbing. A 45-minute 5km walk followed by an hour of rehab back at home. I can’t begin to count the many lonely hours I have spent in the dark, walking and processing thoughts and priorities.

My weekly visits to Lara are always a highlight. My flexibility is measured as well as my strength. Some weeks just like some days are better than others. Lately there are a few moments of some days that I am totally pain free. These can quickly be followed by days and moments of crappy pain, but I will take the good ones for sure. Setbacks some and it’s natural to be bummed by them. Thinking “end goal” always helps. Watching Billy Kemper’s story after that crazy injury in Morocco has inspired me tremendously and there is a kinship that forms in adversity.

To keep the spirits up, I have ordered me a new board from Nick (Kneeon) which should arrive any day.

Jedd has also shaped me a 5’4 twinny that looks more like something that should be flying in space rather than the water. Can’t wait to get these beauties wet.

The daily grind continues relentlessly and it’s not always easy to appreciate the reasons for the dark hours one spends with oneself on the rehab trail. I want the prize now. Sheesh, it’s a constant battle upstairs. Here’s the weird thing, the closer I get to the end of April (paddle out day…hopefully), the more fearful I become. Will I be able to, and can I still?

All this and more just keeps swimming in the head and there’s the self-doubt.

Fuck it’s terrifying.

I have gone over it a million times in my head, do I just paddle out at a gentle beach break and see how it goes. Na, that scares me more. Soft waves are hard work and the amount of torque on the spine terrifies me. What if the nuts and bolts pop out?

There is no way in hell I am going back to that building with the big red cross on it. This drives me harder for sure back on the road, back to the floor and core exercises.

Lara assures me the hyperextension of the back I have obtained through this time will definitely be fine for paddling.

The torque and pressure on the lower back coming off the bottom and turning off the top, is what scares the crap out of me. The reef and I are intimate, god knows I have bounced and scraped along her so many times. I have certainly paid my dues.

Wiping out doesn’t scare me, it’s that word again “TORQUE”.

Perhaps I will just go straight on the first few. That in itself presents a bit of a problem at the local, but that’s where my head is.

I know you will all understand this, “what if a section just presents itself, just asking to be slapped”.

It is so ingrained in each and every one of us, that muscle memory just takes over. Going to have to be ever vigilant.

I have swum out to the peak just to be out there with the guys. The first time was not great. It took me so long just to get to the water. Jumping off the railway line so not an option. Doing the walk around and trying to get over the rocks was tricky to say the least.

Feeling the water over my feet was an absolute delight, but crap balls, had the water got colder since the last time? As soon as I laid in the water, it dawned on me that this is going to be quite the journey.

I couldn’t swim on my stomach as the pain was intense, but fuck it, I was going out. I swam on my side and back. Eventually I made it, the guys cheered and whooped, I felt like I had just won the lottery.

It was so good to be part of the conversation out there again, it was so good to hear how stoked the guys were for me, life was good.

I fed off this like I had been starved of life for ages.

Today being the Saturday before the Wednesday that I go back to Dave (the surgeon), brings turmoil to my emotions.

I’m not sure what I am scared of more, being told you aren’t ready or yeah, go get in the water. I am so scared of not surfing to my full potential again. Every day closer brings more panic. I just want it to be over now.

Wednesday morning dawned (but not really), up at 4am and back on the road. Usually, I am thinking about the workday ahead but this morning not so much.

My head is swimming with what ifs. What if there is still something wrong, what if I can’t anymore, what if, what if…

On the drive to see Dave, the surgeon, my heart is beating at a million beats/minute.

It’s good to see Dave again in a weird type of way, he really is a very cool guy.

Anyhow, he sends me off for some more pictures of the spine. Gotta say I was staring at the radiologist for some clues, but nothing.

The stress is killing me, and I feel like my heart is going to jump out of my chest.

So, back up to Dave with the thumping heart, I can hear it in my ears.

It all looks brilliant mate. What… I could not believe what I was hearing. He took me through the X-rays explaining what he was looking for and everything was just right.

There’s no use putting off the inevitable he says to me, go get in the water…but don’t be stupid. I wanted to scream it to the world!

Obviously, the doubts started kicking in hard right about now, but hey, I had gotten the green light.

Thursday morning I was off to Lara for physio. I couldn’t wait to tell her the good news. The muscles on the left side of my back had been in spasm for two weeks now, so as thrilled as she was, there was the don’t be stupid again.

I had coached myself in my mind for months now, high tide, small waves and just go straight…right.

Friday morning and the reports started coming in. There’s a bit of a wave at the local.

“It’s go time.” With my heart in my mouth, I started packing the car.

Sweet Lord, it had been a while, I had to keep double checking I had everything packed.

I don’t think I noticed any other cars on the way, I was mind surfing all the way through to the local.

I got there a few hours before the high just to get my head straight and check the lineup.

There were some chunky 4 footers coming through, but I wanted some more water on the rock. I watched my mate Dave paddle out and get some screamers.

Steve finally arrived, “I thought you would be in your suit already” he says.

This is it, heart in the throat again, off we went.

Sheesh it was so good to feel the waves crashing over my feet and legs again.

Jumped on my board and started paddling.

Woooohoooo absolutely no pain. Got out to the takeoff zone and everyone was cheering and welcoming me back. How humbling.

Mickey Duffus, a local big wave legend was out. Everybody back off he bellowed, this man hasn’t surfed for 6 months.

For some reason, this made me relax and just enjoy the moment.

Something started standing up out the back, Steve was sitting in the channel waiting for me to have my first ride.

“You going Mick?” I heard someone ask.

Yip I heard coming out my mouth, I spun and went.

Muscle memory and familiarity with the wave kicked in. I made the drop…Fuck I couldn’t believe it came around the section and just flopped off my board.

Steve and Dave had the biggest smile on their faces. The emotion of the occasion just swept over me like a wave, and the tears started flowing. All I kept thinking about was lying in ICU thinking fuck, I don’t want to die in here to taking off on the first wave.

Well, for the rest of the session, I absolutely sent it, trying to take off as deep as possible on the gnarliest set waves. All the coaching I had done in my head for the last few months went straight out the window.

In for a penny, in for a pound.

Damn, I felt so alive, without a doubt, the happiest man on the planet. When I got back to the car park, all of the Kneelo crew were in the car park and boy were they happy for me.

Sean Thompson was there too, shooting my waves and recording the moment.

How blessed am I. Nothing was getting the smile off my face.

When I lay in bed that night, I kept thinking of the months of rehab and hard work I had gone through. The many lonely dark hours of the mornings, but I had done it.

The next morning, we were on it at first light with the Westside boys coming through as well. The Kneelo brotherhood in Cape Town is tight. I am so humbled by all the good wishes and thoughts from everyone.

Just want to mention Lester, who kept me sane in the last two months. We chatted every day for the last while, sometimes a few times in a day. He kept me motivated and hungry and for this I will be forever grateful.

There are so many people to thank for getting me through this period. I think you know who you are, and I will get to everyone individually.

It’s good to get wet again.

I started writing this piece to help anyone in similar circumstances.

Stick with your plan and give it everything no matter how hopeless your situation may seem.

At the end of the day this was such a therapeutic exercise for me. Something I didn’t expect.

The trauma was and is real and this has certainly helped me face it and deal with it.

If this helps even one person get over and through a rough period of hopelessness, its job done.

Mickey Kirsten

Legless Contributor

SA Kneelos

#leglesstv #kneeboard surfing #mickey kirsten #health #sakneelos #lester sweetman

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afaithy · 5 years ago

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150: “I didn’t know I was allergic to coconut oil until I went to this one strip club and now look at me - in the emergency room of a hospital on the night of my bachelor/bachelorette party" Koushiro and Jou and no, I am not sorry

THIS WAS THE WEIRDEST PROMPT EVER LOL. I was a little conflicted between making it serious or comedy, but well, this came out.

As a note, this would be the prequel to this prompt here :) All of my drabbles happen in the same universe, so I follow my headcanons lol.

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I didn’t know I was allergic to coconut oil until I went to this one strip club and now look at me: in the ER of a hospital on the night of my Bachelor party

“Doctors always think anybody doing something they aren't is a quack; also they think all patients are idiots.”

― Flannery O'Connor

“Ah...you’re a blessing of the gods, Dr. Kido. If you ever feel lonely, don’t hesitate to call me. I am always free.”

Jou smiled nervously as old grandma Fujita walked out of his examination room giving him a wink. A cold shudder ran down his spine, but he kept his professionalism and waved the old woman goodbye for the tenth time that week.

“Someone is popular” Hikari chuckled, covering her laughter with her hand.

“I prefer not to talk about it.” he replied, hiding his face behind his hand, in shame “Who’s next?”

“Mrs. Itou…” Hikari smirked “again…”

“What? What now?”

“She says her stomach hurts…” Hikari replied, checking the papers in her clipboard “She will run out of diseases...eventually.”

Jou clicked his tongue and pinched the bridge of his nose in disapproval. The emergency room was a serious place; Many lives were at stake and it was not a place for a group of older women with plenty of time to come and bother medical personnel with imaginary illnesses. Of course, Jou would never say anything, he was a gentleman and respectful of his elders,so he just examined the women and repeated that there was nothing wrong with them and sent them home with some vitamins.

“Should I call her in?”

Jou was about to respond when familiar screams made both Hikari and Jou's eyes widen. The pair rushed out of the office and to their surprise several familiar faces were in the middle of the room making a stir, while some of the other nurses tried to understand what was happening.

“Kidooo, find Dr. Kido!!! Or ….”Taichi screamed in the room.

“Taichi-san...lower your voice, Jou-san is probably busy!” Takeru said, pulling his arm and giving the nurse that attended them an apologetic smile.

“Then bring out my sister…” Taichi continued “My sister...do you know her?”

“Your...sister, sir?” the nurse asked, a little scared.

“Yeah! My sister...baby sister. She married this...guy!” Taichi said, catching Takeru under his arm “Lucky boy this one, haha…”

“Onichan!” Hikari said, horrified. She rushed into the scene, apologized to the nurses and told them that she would take care of this.

As Hikari was busy calming down the rest of the nurses, Jou approached the group and took a look.

As Hikari tried to explain the situation and apologized for her brother's erratic behavior to the other nurses, Jou approached the group and looked around. Taichi was clearly intoxicated, judging by his goofy grin.

" You better have an explanation for this…” Jou said sternly “This IS a hospital.”

“Yeah, yeah…” Takeru apologised trying to pull away from Taichi’s uncomfortable hug “We do have a reason...for...Taichi-san, please stop it…”

“Good heaven” Jou said, pressing his temple “What did I say about drinking too much today?”

“JOOOUUUUU:...”Taichi said, smiling like an idiot.” Just the man I wanted to see. My good old friend! He’s my childhood friend! Did you all know that? He was a skittish neurotic boy...but now Look at him! A full on Doctor! I am SO proud of you my friend!”

He released Takeru and turned to Jou in a clumsy attempt to hug him, but this was not the first time that Jou had had to deal with a very drunk Taichi, so the doctor evaded him and looked at Takeru -who was, clearly, the sober one - asking for an explanation.

“Long story short…”Takeru sighed “something...bad happened in Koushiro’s party.”

“Ah...I knew it….” Jou groaned “That is why I said you should have done it on the day I could actually go!”

Jou made his way to a private room, where the rest of the group was supposed to be. Hikari had already gone ahead of him, and the doctor found her hovering over someone on the bed. Someone that was struggling to get up while making unintedibble sounds. When Jou approached the bed, he was shocked to see that it was Koushiro.

His friend showed the worst case of swelling that Jou had seen in his entire medical career so far and judging by Hikari's horrified look, the girl shared his thoughts. The boy was unrecognizable and judging by his incoherent and unintelligible mumbling, he -like Taichi- was awfully drunk. Hikari and Jou managed to push him back down and keep him from moving, so that Jou could actually examine him to understand what had happened to his friend.

Ignoring the fact that he was treating a friend, Jou began to look at Koushiro with a clinical eye and began to list up his physical symptoms: swelling around the eyes, face, mouth and possibly other areas of the body covered by the clothes; the eyes were reddened , there were rashes and dermatitis on the arms, legs and necks; judging by his difficult breathing, there was possibly inflammation of the airways and his heart rhythm was abnormally fast . Koushiro was conscious, but it was clear that he was confused. Whether this was a symptom of what was happening to him, or simply because he had drunk too much, they would only know it with a toxicological examination.

“Pressure?” Jou said, checking on the boy's eyes.

“90/ 60…” Hikari said, scribbling in the clipboard “ A little too low. Saturation level is at 93…”

“Mild hypoxia…” Jou said “Koushiro...Koushiro...can you hear me?”

Koushiro didn’t answer, or more accurately he couldn’t. He had tried to speak, but the swelling was so severe that he couldn’t that he couldn’t articulate a word.

“Koushiro, if you can hear me blink twice.” the boy blinked “Good, now...blink twice for yes and once for no, okay?”

Koushiro blinked twice.

“Are you in pain?”

Two blinks.

“Does your chest hurt and is it difficult to breathe?”

Two blinks.

“Does anything else hurt?”

Another two winks.

“Your stomach?”

Once again two blinks.

The conversation continued like this for some minutes, while Hikari took note..

“His airways are swollen, he still can breathe, but until we find out what’s causing this, we need to avoid further sweelling. Give him 50 mg of prednisolone on an IV with 50mg of tramadol for the pain. Keep an eye on him. I want a full blood scan and thoracic plaque. I want to see whether there’s pleural effusion or not. Ask for a toxicology test. I want to know what’s running in his system...”

“Yes, doctor. What are you going to do in the meantime?”

“Try to get the story about what on earth happened to see where this problem came out from...”

“Well, that’s going to be a challenge with how drunk my brother is.” Hikari said, looking at Taichi, who was sitting in a corner singing a foolish and very out of tone song as Takeru tried to keep him still.

“Well lucky for me, your husband has a knack for storytelling.” Jou gave her a meaningful look and Hikari chuckled.

Takeru was having troubles trying to keep his brother-in-law from making a fuss. Taichi was the kind of person who would turn into a childish and silly kid whenever he was drunk, and even though it was funny at first, it became very tiring later on.

“Alright, that’s enough...Taichi-san Stop it!” Takeru growled sternly.

Taichi’s only response was a pout. He then began to wave his arms in a bvery childish manner.

“Takeruuuu….meanieeeeee….you don’t treat your awesome….greatest brother-in-law in the world like thiiiiis….”

“Yeah...well, you’re acting more like a naughty kid than my “awesome” brother-in-law, though…” Takeru sighed “Stop moving already! And keep your voice low...this is a hospital.”

Taichi pouted again and looked at Takeru with a scolded kid look. He stuck out his tongue at him with “Hmph” and turned away, making Takuro sigh.

“I don’t know if I should laugh or be concerned that your first parenting experience is taking care of your intoxicated brother-in-law, Takeru.”

Takeru laughed and rolled his eyes.

“I hope for my mind health’s sake, that I never get kids as feisty as Taichi-san…”

“With your genes and Hikari’s...I think the chances are low. I can’t speak of the potential nephews however” Jou nodded, and Takeru wasn’t sure whether it was a joke or not, since Jou had kept a serious look. “ Where’s Yamato?”

“Well, after trying to kiss his way all over the club, he was knocked out. He must be still sleeping in the car. Don’t worry, Gabumon and patamon are with him. Daisuke and the others must still be in the party, I’m not even sure if they noticed us leaving.”

“Right.” Jou said with a sighe “Ok, so...care to tell me the story?”

Takeru gave him an ironic look. A story? He could write a full short novel with the events from that day, but he took a deep breathe and began telling Jou all the things that had transceded that night.

“Well, it was Daisuke’s idea and well, my brother and Taichi were foolish enough to follow it, I guess? Honestly, I just found out today when I arrived.” he explained “Somehow they thought that it would be a pity that Koushiro didn’t experience a little bit of a “bachelor’s life” before tying the knot and well...they dragged us to this...night club.”

A night club! Jou thought, horrified. Those were the kind of silly things that happened when he wasn’t there to keep an eye on those kids. That was the worst possible place to take a man days before his wedding, then again, the fact that this was Daisuke’s idea shouldn’t have surprised him. That kid had been watching too many american movies.

“Alright...I need to know everything,” Jou sighed, taking out his pen “Everything that Koushiro did. What did he drink, eat, touch...all of it.”

“Ehr...sure…” Takeru said, trying to recall all the things that had happened earlier. It was hard since what had not happened that day.

Daisuke’s plan had totally taken Koushiro by surprise. He had expected a causal night on some local bar drinking a couple beers with friends and telling stupid stories, before going home and sleeping until the next day. The computer genius was speechless when his friends had pulled him into this exotic night club in which, apparently, women danced and took off their clothes as they did. He didn’t even know those places existed in Japan.

The night had started calm, all things considered. Koushiro was visibly feeling awkward and Takeru couldn’t blame him. Supposedly, Takeru was the one famous for his suave style and his ease dealing with girls, but even he had to admit, the whole place intimidated him.

Taichi and Yamato had been awkward at first too, but after several drinks they began to loosen up and their usual drunkish traits began to surface. Half an hour and many drinks later, all of his friends were pretty much drunk and even Koushiro was much more relaxed. Then it happened. Daisuke had reserved some popular dancers or whatsoever to "assist" at his friend's bachelor party. The girls, who Takeru made sure to describe as absolutely not his type, just in case Jou decided to share the tale with Hikari, had given Koushiro a very...intense and provocative lap dance. Koushiro was so shocked that he had fainted on the chair. The pattern was repeated several times during the evening: a random dancer would come, give the bachelor a lap dance, Koushiro would faint, then wake up to drink another cup of liquor, and it would start all over again.

“And you were the only one actually sober?” Jou asked.

“I did have a beer…” Takeru admitted “but hey I am married, okay? Daisuke kept teasing me for being the grumpy married guy of the party whenever I said that I thought it was a bad idea. ”

“GRUMPY OLD MAN...hahaha…” Taichi laughed loudly pulling Takeru’s shirt. He slapped the older boy’s hand and glared.

“Taichi-san ...quiet!”

“Well, at least someone had a cool head there. Embarrasing enough, it was the youngest of the group.” Jou said, rolling his eyes and looking at Taichi disapprovingly “alright, lap dancing aside. What did Koushiro eat?”

“I think he had some of those peanuts on the table and some chips and a sandwich.”

“He ate those damn peanuts?” Jou said horrified “Do you have any idea of the sort of things you can find in those plates? Do you have any idea of how many people touch those things without washing their hands?”

“Believe me, I know…” Takeru sighed. His wife wouldn’t let him forget it whenever he went out for a drink with the guys “but I think Koushiro has his mind somewhere else to actually think of that detail. Do you think it caused this?”

“Well, no...that was just an outburst of indignation. Continue….”

“He had several beers, then Daisuke suggested moving to stronger drinks. I think he had several margaritas and cocktails. Other than that...it was all good.”

“Any fruit in those cocktails, aside the lemons?”

“No, I don’t think so…” Takeru said “Why?”

“Just checking.” Jou said “Was he okay before...the party?”

“Yeah, he was fine. He was talking with Mimi before we left his office.”

“So when did he begin to feel sick?”

“Eh...I’m not sure. After the twelfth lap dance maybe?”

“ Number twelve smelled niiiicce. Hawaian lotion smelled so good… made me want caaaaandy…” Taichi giggled “remember that coco candy? Hehehe…”

The two men ignored Taichi’s incoherent comments and continued speaking. Takeru would have laughed if the situation wasn’t so serious right now.

“So he didn’t eat or drink anything unusual?”

“Not that I noticed…”

“Coco….Coco….cococoooo” Taichi sang sillily.

Jou ignored him and looked at the notes he had in his clipboard.

“Huh...I guess I’ll need those results before I can do anything. This doesn’t tell me much...”

The good news was that the medication was helping Koushiro a little. The swelling was still there, but it had gone down a little and he wasn’t in pain. He still couldn’t move, but it seemed to be a lot more conscious compared to how he had arrived. About one hour later, Hikari came into the room with the lab results and Jou looked through the papers carefully.

“Eosinophils count is high…” he said “he’s pretty intoxicated, however, it shouldn’t be enough to altere his white cell count. Aside from the drugs we gave him, he’s clean...so it wasn’t a case of accidental drugging or poisoning. Inflammatory indicators are high, as expected and no pleural effusion. Good. Let's keep on with the prednisone and the tramadol until we find out what's the cause. At least we know it is not Lupus… ' Jou said.

Hikari chuckled.

“Quating Dr. House there?”

“Just to break the tension” Jou smiled with a shrug " let's monitore these indicators just in case. I want to make a scrap of his rash to see what we find there."

"Full test?" Hikari asked.

Jou nodded and Hikari did as she was told. Considering how his friend had come in earlier, Koushiro was evolving really well. The steroids were helping with the inflammation and that was letting him breathe better. The question,now, was: what had caused it?

"You sure had a hell of the night, huh Koushiro?" Jou said with a raised eyebrow.

Two blinks and a pathetic look. Jou looked at him sympathetically , he was going to develop a trauma after tonight, that's for sure and he would have to thank Daisuke and his friends for it.

The results came in later that night. The blood test seemed better, so they continued with the treatment as it was. The skin scraping had come negative for fungi, parasites and bacteria. However the note from the analyst caught his attention. It read: presence of oily substance. It was identified as vegetable oil, most likely coconut.

Coconut?

Suddenly, some of the things he had heard that night began to click. Taichi had sillily said something about someone smelling like a Hawaiian lotion that reminded him of the coconut sweets he liked. Now, the pathologist said there was coconut oil on the samples. It was as if a light bulb had been lit in his head and the answer became clear.

Koushiro had had a bad allergic reaction to coconut oil. Coconut allergy was rare, but the chances were high, since he was allergic to walnuts and cross reaction with coconut were common. An hypersensibility reaction would explain the result of eosinophils in his blood test. His symptoms also pointed to a severe allergic reaction.How had he not seen it earlier?

Poor Koushiro. Ending up in a hospital on his bachelor party night, just because one girl had danced on his lap after a skin treatment with coconut oil. He'd have to message Mimi and tell her to get rid of all her coconut skin products, or she would get a not very nice surprise on their wedding night.

The whole thing was so ridiculous that Jou burst into a fit of laughter, just when Hikari stepped in to the office. The girl stared at him dumbfounded and the older man tried to compose himself, but looking at his friend’s face, he knew he'd already failed poorly.

"Y-Yeah?" he said, smiling .

"Mimi is in the hall demanding to know what happened to her fiancé…" Hikari said shyly "I wasn't sure what to say…"

"Right.” Now he had another problem. A feisty Mimi who wouldn’t be too happy about the way her fiancé had decided to spend his bachelor party “Leave it to me."

“ Good luck...she’s angry.”

Jou gave her an amused look as he fixed his doctor’s coat and stepped out of the office. This was probably the strangest night he’d ever had in the ER, but one way or another, he had saved his friend, and that, was enough to make him proud, even if it had only been a silly allergic reaction to coconut oil.

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#digimon #jou kido #jyou kido #digimon adventure 2020 #fanfic #challenge #Dr. kido #Koushiro Izumi #Coconut #hikari yagami #taichi yagami #takeru takaishi #takari

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