#we thought that maybe the 'sexual' part in 'bisexual' was somehow flagged. but there's no explanation for 'trans king oryx'

[thefirstknife]

Besties, I need help. Especially people who have a lot of reach on twitter.

Two of my friends had their Destiny names forcibly changed at the roughly the same time. Their Destiny names were "bisexual mara sov" and "trans king oryx." They just logged in and got a pop-up saying that for some "crossplay" reasons their names were changed to a default Guardian####. None of them are using crossplay. Both are on Steam only, if that's important.

One of them posted to Bungie forums and got this reply:

Both of my friends suspect that they were mass reported. Obviously falsely. Their names are not breaking any rules and are in fact canonical statements about the characters. They always play together so if some homophobe sees them, they would report both, so it would make sense why this happened to them at the same time, possibly (the other option is that there was a wave of forced name changes happening recently that caught them both, but for all intents and purposes, their names should not be subject to change).

This upset both of my friends quite a lot. It means there's enough homophobes out there falsely reporting their names. It's also upsetting to think that these reports were reviewed and then accepted. I genuinely don't think there was a manual review. If there was, I think everyone would like to know which rules this is breaking and why.

Another friend tried raising this issue on the official Destiny 2 reddit, but his thread was not approved by moderators because of "politics":

Thanks reddit! /s My friend also messaged the moderators, but to no avail.

The only thing that remains is trying to raise this issue with the community managers somehow, but clearly this isn't possible on reddit, so we want to try twitter. Unfortunately with the way twitter works, unless you have the reach, nobody will see it. One other friend literally made a twitter account for this to tag the Destiny 2 Team, but as expected her attempt has zero visibility. These are her two tweets. I'm not sure what would be better; to just boost this existing tweet or to make new tweets tagging Destiny 2 Team, but if anyone knows and thinks they could help, feel free to do either!

I don't expect much to happen, but I would like to at least try bringing some awareness to this because it's quite upsetting if homophobes can just mass report a completely innocent name, while absolutely gross names are allowed and visible every day in the game. It's also not a good look if these mass reports are acted on without review, and they are worse if they were acted on WITH review.

A lot of people have usernames that are about in-game characters; I think a lot of us would like to get some information on why these aren't allowed anymore. Both of my friends have had them for years.

Anyway, if anyone knows something they could do or has the ability to get this visible somehow, it would be appreciated!

[girltalkcollectives]

Eight Years of Telling Myself “It’s Probably Just a Phase” (Spoiler Alert: It Wasn’t)

I was 12 when I thought “I might be bisexual,” and 20 when I finally stopped following that thought with “but probably not.” That’s eight whole years of playing mental ping-pong with my own identity.

You know that thing where you’re watching a movie and find yourself equally attracted to both the male and female lead, but then spend the next two hours convincing yourself it’s just “appreciating” their beauty? Yeah, did that for about a decade.

The mental gymnastics I put myself through were honestly Olympic level:

At 12: “I think I like girls too.”

Also at 12: “But everyone thinks girls are pretty, right?”

At 15: “Okay, maybe I’m bi.”

Also at 15: “It’s probably just hormones.”

At 17: “I definitely like both.”

Also at 17: “No, there’s no way.”

At 19: “I’m bisexual!”

Also at 19: “Unless…?”

It’s wild how you can be so sure of something one day and completely doubt it the next. Like yes, I’ve had crushes on multiple genders since middle school, but what if I’m just really friendly?

The amount of times I’ve googled “Am I bisexual?” is honestly embarrassing. As if there’s going to be some magical quiz that finally gives me permission to claim this identity.

And can we talk about how unhelpful society is with all this?

“It’s just a phase.”

(Eight years is a long phase, Karen.)

“You’re just confused.”

(About many things, yes, but not this.)

“You’ll pick a side eventually.”

(The only side I’m picking is fries with that.)

“But you’ve only dated men!”

(And you’ve only dated men too, Sarah, does that make you a virgin?)

The worst part wasn’t even the external doubt — it was the internal voices. The constant questioning. The feeling that I wasn’t “bi enough” because my attractions to different genders felt different. Like somehow I needed a perfectly balanced attraction meter to qualify.

Nobody tells you that being bi doesn’t mean your attraction to different genders has to be identical. That it can shift and flow. That you don’t need a 50/50 split to be valid.

I spent so long thinking I wasn’t bisexual because I didn’t fit the stereotype. Because I didn’t have my big gay awakening moment at pride wearing a rainbow flag as a cape. Because my journey was more like:

Sees pretty girl

“Wow, she’s gorgeous!”

Five hours of questioning my entire identity

Concludes it’s probably just appreciation

Repeat for eight years

But here’s what finally clicked at 20: There is no “bi enough.” There’s no test to pass. No quota to meet. No perfect balance to achieve.

Being bisexual isn’t about proving anything to anyone. It’s not about meeting some arbitrary criteria. It’s about finally looking at yourself and saying “Oh, this makes sense.”

To my 12-year-old self: You weren’t confused. You were just discovering who you are.

To my 15-year-old self: Those butterflies you got around your male best friend and female lab partner? Both real. Both valid.

To my 17-year-old self: You weren’t “going through a phase.” You were going through self-discovery.

And to my current self: You don’t need to keep questioning something you’ve known for eight years.

Sometimes I wonder how much sooner I would have accepted myself if someone had told me:

Bisexuality doesn’t have an equal attraction requirement

Your identity is valid regardless of your dating history

You don’t need to “prove” your sexuality to anyone

Doubt doesn’t make your identity less real

You’re allowed to take time to figure it out

So here I am at 20, finally comfortable saying: I’m bisexual. No “probably” about it. No “but” following it. Just me, finally accepting something I’ve known since I was 12.

Plot twist: Maybe the real phase was pretending it was a phase.

[ghostdrew22]

Coming Out (Bisexuality) || Draco Malfoy Headcanon

I wrote this because well, first of all, no one and I mean NO BLOODY ONE can convince me that Draco Malfoy is straight. He is either bi, pan or omnisexual but in no way, shape or form is he a heterosexual man and I’ve settled on that, so I wanted to write how he’d come out to you. Then second of all, because I was thinking about how I figured out I was bisexual just under a year ago and how when I came out to my boyfriend he basically said, “Oh, I know.” And just fucking kissed me??? (A lot more happened before and after but that’s the gist of it) And I think Draco would have a similar reaction to finding out his girlfriend is bisexual.

Anyway, this ended up being a super long head canon and I’m starting to think I do them wrong??? Either way, let me know what you all think

jean <3

<~>

Him Coming Out To You

Draco is shitting himself about coming out to you

Not because he thinks you won’t accept him but because you’re the first person he’s coming out to

And he doesn’t know how this stuff goes

He’s known that he’s bi since way before Hogwarts

But with the nature of his parents, he figured that it was best to sweep that little fact beneath the rug for a while

Maybe he even thought that he could completely forget about it, pretend that he’s straight and just live life like that

But one night at a party he accidentally kisses a really cute Gryffindor boy (who swears not to tell because he’s also deep within the closet)

And after that he knows that even if he doesn’t come out to everybody else, he needs to come out to himself and accept that this is who he is

So he does just that

He does a bunch of research, comes across a bunch of labels and finally settles on ‘Bisexual.’

He even secretly buys himself a little pin that he wears inside his robe, every single day

So fastforward to you dating

You’re maybe 6 months in when he realises that he’s utterly and hopelessly in love with you

And that if there’s anyone in the world he wants to see all of him, it’s you

So he starts planning it out- the perfect date so that he can tell you perfectly- and settles on a nice picnic in the middle of the night outside(planning to sneak you both out so you can eat under the stars), the night of your seven month anniversary

But as luck would have it

IT FUCKING RAINS.

And he is SEETHING

it’s a bit hot if you’re being honest

But you’re so confused about why he’s angry

“What’s wrong love? We can do it another night when the weather’s cleared up.”

“No, it had to be tonight.” He paces around his dorm room in frustration and you sit on the edge of his bed while watching him

“Why?” You ask with a small laugh, “Why did it have to be tonight?”

He stops pacing, sighs, and mumbles something you don’t catch

“Sorry?”

He sighs again and turns to face you, “Because if I wait any longer then I’m scared I won’t be able to do it.”

“Do what?”

“Tell you something important.”

“So tell me now then.” You smile up at him and he shakes his head with a groan

“I can’t, this wasn’t how it was meant to go, it was meant to be perfect.”

You furrow your eyebrows and get off the bed to meet him in the middle of the room, taking his hands in your own and making him look into your eyes

“Isn’t it already perfect if we’re together?”

He melts at your words, literally just softening in your hands, and before he knows it the words are out

“I’m bisexual.”

oh

You should’ve seen it coming to be honest, no straight man would obsess that hard about Harry Potter

“Say something?” He asks- his eyes soft and scared as he watches your features for any indication of anger or disgust- “I hope you don’t hate me.” His voice cracks a little and suddenly you’re sucked back into reality

You cup his face in your hands and smile at him, “Why would I hate you?”

“I don’t know, because I’m-“

“Finish that sentence with anything other than, perfect, and I’ll kick you.” You say sternly but there’s smiles on both of your lips. “I love you, I love you so much and nothing in the world would change that, especially not something that makes you the incredible person that you are.”

You give him a quick kiss before pulling him toward you for a hug

He just melts into your embrace- feeling safe and loved and happy

And when you two eventually pull away and walk toward the bed to have your picnic on it instead, you finally decide to start asking questions

“So when did you figure it out?” You smile at him and his eyes light up at the opportunity to finally talk about his sexuality with someone

He tells you everything, including the fact that he puts on a little pin with the bi flag on the inside of his robe every morning- so that he can feel proud of who he is, even if he’s not ready for everyone else to know who that is just yet.

“Is that what you put in your robe every morning?”

“You noticed that?”

“Draco, you’re quite the sight to behold in the morning, of course I fucking noticed.”

You Coming Out To Him

You’re very nervous about it and don’t mention it first- unsure about how he’d take it.

A few summers before you’d had a cute summer fling with a girl that lived nearby but that was the first and last time you’d been with a girl because your parents were not happy when they found out.

“You have to end up with a nice pureblood boy.”

“What will people think when they find out our daughter is gay?”

And you’d try explaining that you’re not gay, you’re bi.

But they wouldn’t care and would dismiss you completely.

So after that you sunk further into the closet, only coming out to tell your previous boyfriend.

Who was horrified and even broke up with you over it because, “I don’t want you to cheat on me.”

So after your first two, horrid, coming out experiences you decided to give it a rest.

But then three months into dating Draco you realise that you have genuine and very serious feelings for him

And that you can’t hide such a big part of yourself from him

Especially because you’re not ashamed of being bisexual, you’re just scared to lose more people you love over it

And you decide that if he can’t love all of you then he doesn’t love you at all

So you break up

Jk jk

One night in the common room as you two sit on one of the couches by the fire you finally decide that the moment has come

You figure that you’ll never have the perfect moment, that once you’re ready you’ll do it

And you’re ready.

So you clear your throat to drag Draco’s attention away from the novel in his hands as you put your own down on a nearby table

He raises his eyebrows at you but follows suit- noticing that your exterior is suddenly very serious

And somehow you just drum up the courage to say it- looking into those kind and inviting eyes that he reserves only for you

“I’m, um, bisexual.”

He nods slowly and you can see the gears in his head turning, he knows the general meaning but wants you to expand, “Meaning, what exactly?”

“I… I’m attracted to more than one gender.” You say nervously, your voice shaking just a bit

He nods again and sighs before reaching over and pecking your lips. “Cool.”

You furrow your eyebrows in confusion at the blonde- having expected more of a reaction- “That’s it?”

He gives you a sheepish smile and scratches the back of his neck awkwardly

“I kind of already knew.”

Your eyes widen in a mix of shock, horror and amusement, “What?”

“I’ve known for a few weeks, I just wanted to let you tell me yourself.”

An exclamation of shock leaves your lips and you stare at him stunned

“I’m sorry I ruined your moment babe.” He chuckles then smirks at you, “Want me to pretend to be shocked?”

You grumble out some obscenities but nod regardless

And obviously his acting is atrocious

“Whaaaaaat? No bloody way? You? Bisexual? I would’ve never guessed it. You’ve shocked me toda-“

“Okay, that was horrible, thank you.”

“Anything for you love.” He pecks you and you roll your eyes with a smile.

A moment of silence until-

“Did you really think I didn’t know though?”

“Yes!”

“Love, you said, and I quote, ‘Pansy sure does have some nice legs.’”

You smack his arm as he chuckles at your embarrassment

“I could’ve been jealous.”

“You licked your lips!”

“Did not!”

His chuckles just get louder and you feel all of your earlier fear and tension melt away, “Okay, you didn’t, but you might as well have.”

“Asshole.”

He pulls you into his arms for cuddles and kisses your forehead, “Your asshole.”

“Yes.”

“I love you so much Y/N, thank you for trusting me enough to tell me.”

You smile and get comfortable in his arms as a silence encapsulates you both.

“Say it back! The fuck?”

[91percentpynch]

jean moreau x pride months

happy pride month kids, here‘s some wholesome jerejean content for your soul!! does this make any sense? no. is it a mess? yes. hope you enjoy this!!

the first pride month

it‘s the beginning of june and jeremy starts acting weird

he smiles more, the real smile normally reserved for winning an exy game or when he‘s alone with jean

he started drawing flags on his face or on his eye lids, jeremy never wore make-up, not more than his usual eyeliner and nail polish

„what does that mean?“, jean asks, pointing at the flags on his cheeks.

„the pink, yellow, blue one means i‘m pan. you know, i like more than one gender, i told you that already. and the grey, purple, white and black one that looks like an arrow? that means i‘m demisexual, you know how i only feel sexual attraction to people i have a bond with? that‘s demisexual. those are pride flags, it‘s pride month. didn‘t you know that?“

of course jean didn‘t know, after all he was locked up in a bassement for 10 years and he didn‘t exactly talk the first time he came over here last year at the end of june.

„what‘s pride month?“, jean asked softly, knowing that jeremy would never judge him, never think he was stupid.

„it‘s a month for lgbtqa+ folks. that stands for lesbians, gays, bisexuals, transgender, questioning, asexuals, aromantics and everything inbetween. we celebrate ourselves this month, show how proud we are of ourselves and our community. we celebrate marsh johnson, the black transgender, gay sex worker who started the riots, stonewell, and basically threw a brick at a police officer and started the fight for gay rights“

„how do you know you‘re not straight?“, jean asked quietly. thinking about the way his mind keeps wandering back to jeremy, keeps wandering back to the thought of kissing him, holding his hand, the feeling of his soft, badly dyed ginger hair between his fingers.

„well i always payed more attention to the personality, than the gender. i never really cared what‘s between the legs. and it took me quite a while to figure out that i only feel sexual attraction to people when i have a connection to them“

„have you ever kissed a guy?“, jean asked, curiously now. in the nest it was forbidden, but kevin wanted to try it once, in the dark of the night, the saftey of their room. jean couldn‘t tell if he enjoyed it or not, he never really felt any kind of attraction really. only bone deep fear. burning anger. and whatever the fuck his heart was doing when kevin held him close.

„yeah, i had a boyfriend throughout highschool, sophmore year until the end of summer of our senior year. and then freshman year of college i had this girlfriend who was really controlling and yeah. that‘s it. have you?“, his voice was soft, it reminded jean of the sunlight forming some kind of halo behind jeremy.

„kevin wanted to try it once. riko caught us. that‘s how it began“, jean replied, a shadow crossing over both his and jeremy‘s face. in a moment of weakness, at the beginning, jean told jeremy what they did to him in the nest, after jeremy accidentally touched him from behind.

„do you want to try it again?“, jeremy asked, a small smile on his lips. „with me, that is“, he added, barely audible.

„okay“, jean replied, leaning in.

jean was a couple inches taller than jeremy, and jeremy had to stand on his tiptoes to close the last few inches between them.

it was a soft kiss, a different than the stolen ones from kevin. better. these tasted like sunlight, like warmth, like home.

jean kissed jeremy back. carefully, softly, being scared he would break him, destroy him with his darkness.

„how was it?“, jeremy smiled at him after they were done, exchanging kisses, not stealing them. they were equals, no one would hurt him for wanting this

„i think i‘m only attracted to you“, jean admitted quietly. „but like not sexually. i don‘t like sex. never did. i never thought anyone was sexually attractive, i never wanted this and i still don‘t. i‘m sorry“

„you don‘t have to apologize, jean. that‘s being called asexual, the lack of sexual attraciton that is. and the not wanting sex part? sex repulsed. very valid. i will never be like them, i will never force you to do anyhting you‘re not comfortable with“

„and what if you miss having sex and want it and i can‘t give it to you?“, jean asked, tears burning behind his eyes. „i‘m not worth of your light, your warmth, your love as it is. i‘m broken, i‘m dark, i‘m everything you don‘t deserve. you deserve someone who is fixed and happy and can give you the entire world and go places without a panic attack and and and“

„ssh, jean. it‘s alright. it‘s alright. i want you. no one but you. i really, really like you and i am glad you like me to. you‘re not broken, you‘re not dark. you are wonderful. and no one is fixed, we‘re all a little broken in our own ways. i struggled with an eating disorder. i have adhd. sometimes i feel a little sad without any reason and can‘t get out of bed. sometimes i can‘t sleep and other days i could sleep for days. i don‘t need the entire world, i just need you“

it was this june, about a year after jean arrived in california, that he not only found a person who saw more in him than his scars, but a person who loved him not despite of them but for them

the second pride month

it‘s been a year since jean and jeremy kissed for the first time. a year full of highs and lows, fights and making up, miscommunication and cuddles, sweet kisses and ones tasting of tears. but it was also the year jean figured out that he might not be a boy after all.

„do you ever feel like you‘re not a entirely a boy?“, jean asked softly, threading his fingers through jeremy‘s soft blonde hair.

„dude, i‘m genderfluid, remember? alvarez bursted in our room and threw these in our face so people could refer to me with the right pronouns“

„that‘s why you changed your middle name to sol isn‘t it? because you like the sun and you like your hispanic heritage and it‘s a female name?“

„exactamente mi corazón“

„what are you today?“, jean asked softly, as he did every day.

„they/them, i don‘t feel like a guy or a girl today. just vibing“

„i- i think i‘m not entirely a boy either. like i know i was born as a boy and i‘m okay with that. but i feel like there‘s more to that. i can‘t put it in words but i think i want to try to go by he/ they. what do you call those people who don‘t quite find in the binary? i think i‘m that“

„that‘s nonbinary darling. i‘m proud of you. you‘re doing great“

jean didn‘t know how to repeat to that so he just decided to pull jeremy closer to him.

this pride month jean found a little part of himself, another puzzle piece to the mystery that his own person and it felt like a tiny little step towards a future he never dreamt he would have.

it was also the month he started wearing nail polish, because he loved the look on jeremy‘s face when they did them. occasionally he will wear some eyeliner.

the third pride month

another year passed, this year jean got himself a support dog. to help with the anxiety attacks. to help him heal.

it‘s a dalmatiner, called luna. she was trained to feel when he is uncomfortable and come closer to him, licking his hands, being close, being there

it is also the month he wanted to join jeremy for pride

„what are you today?“

„a girl i think. jeremy or sol are both fine“

„will you draw the flags on my face?“, he asked on the day of the parade.

„are you sure you want to go honey?“, sol asked softy, while she went to the bathroom to get her things.

„would i have asked if it wasn‘t moi amour?“, jean replied. „wait hold on, don‘t answer that“, he laughed looking at jeremy‘s face.

„but i‘m sure. first of all it makes you happy. second of all you missed it the last two years. third of all it will piss kevin off and i love that almost as much as i love. and lastly i have luna, she makes sure i‘m fine and i can always leave when i feel uncomfortable“

„okay, babe. what do you want me to do?“

„i want my flags on my face and maybe you can do my nails“, jean replied, smiling at jeremy as he did ever so often. „cover the tatoo, will you?“, he asked softly, touching the cursed three, counting the days for his cover up appointment in july.

„it‘s soon gone honey. it‘s gonna be alright“, jeremy whispered, feeling the tension in jean‘s shoulders.

„which color do you want your nails? mine are pastel rainbow look! alvarez got me those for my birthday last month! do you want matching nails?“

„whatever you want darling, you can choose“

„neat!“

this year jeremy‘s hair were a soft pink. it was 2 am when he bursted into the room whisper shouting „jean i‘m gay i must do something drastic to my hair. help me?“ and who was jean to question his beautiful date mate.

so jeremy took jean‘s face carefully in his hands, starting to draw jean‘s pride flags (demiromantic, asexual, nonbinary) on his face, hiding his tattoo underneath the black/ white/grey/ purple stripes of the asexual pride flag.

„they have no power over you anymore mi corazón. and if anyone gives you shit i will come for them“, jeremy whisperes against jean‘s lips before softly kissing them. „and now give me your beautiful hands so i can do your nails. i‘m feeling a pastel rainbow“

for the parade jean is wearing one of the shirts jeremy got him. it‘s yellow with a rainbow on it. „so you have a little brightness in your life“, he would tell him when he go it for him. it was before they started dating. it was before jean was able to tell him „but you are the brightest thing in the world and somehow you chose me as your person“, paired with light blue ripped jeans and his yellow fans. they started wearing yellow when they came to california, cutting off black completely, replacing it with colors and brightness.

jeremy on the other hand wore rainbow dungarees with a white shirt and white doc martens. his hair was up in two space buns, little pride flags put into them.

„do you think they get the hint?“, she smiled with a blinding smile.

„you‘re so unbelieveably beautiful sol“, jean replied.

they got luna and went to the parade.

it was scary, yes. but it was also beautiful.

people approaching them, asking for selfies, talking to him.

at first he was a bit anxious, but sol took their hand and luna licked his feet and it was alright. no one was hurting him. no one would punish him. he was surrounded by pride and love and happiness.

at some point he asked a girl with rainbow hair, she reminded him of renee, if she could take a picture of him and jeremy. she said yes, took one of them smiling, one of them kissing, and one of them where jeremy just smiled at his person.

it was the pride month he came out via social media. it was the pride month kevin called at two am, telling him how happy he was for them. that he himself found a boy, fell for him, but is too much a coward to do something about it. it‘s the year where he gets a lot of love, many fans telling him how proud they are of him and at least the same amount of hate. but it was alright. they had jeremy and that was all that truly mattered.

now

year after year they returned to the pride parade, with flags on their faces, or around their shoulders

sometimes neil and andrew or aaron and kevin would join them, sometimes they would go with laila and alvarez and sometimes jean and jeremy would go on their own

after college jean quit exy, jeremy went pro and gave his money to moriyamas, while jean opened his own tattoo studio, wrote songs, wrote crappy poetry and slightly better novels, tried himself as a part time model and fashion designer

they found happiness and home in each other and celebrated their love not only in pride but also every single day of the year

jean and jeremy got more dogs, an apartment of their own with big windows so they could watch the sunrise and sunset together

they have their ups and downs, like every other couple, but that doesn‘t matter. never did. what truly matters is that they keep finding back to each other. that they keep ending up in the same bed, in each others arms.

jean moreau never believed in love, never believed in soulmates and yet he found their soulmate, found the love of his life. and they are happy they stayed, kept fighting, to find this. to make a difference to the world. to be finally free. to be alive, living instead of only existing.

„jean?“, jermey says, fidgeting with his fingers.

„what is it moi soleil?“, jean relies getting lost in these ocean blue eyes.

„do you remember what happened five years ago?“, jeremy asks, his eyes looking anywhere but jean.

„we kissed for the first time?“, jean answers, panic slowly crawling through his veins.

„exactly so i thought we could celebrate this at the beach. you know, where our first date was?“, jeremy says nervously.

„honey are you alrighgt?“, jean is getting more and more worried, jeremy has never been that nervous.

„sure, come on mi corazón“

so jean slowly gets up and carefully puts on his shoes. something is weird here, something is wrong

jeremy seems off the entire ride to the beach they had their first date at.

when they arrive jean takes jeremy‘s hand, noticing that they are shaking ever so slightly. it is something like a nervous tick of them.

jean and jeremy arrive at the beach in time to watch the sun setting, making place for her lover the moon.

jean looks over to jeremy, when they suddenly get up and start pacing.

„jer, you‘re scaring me. please tell me what‘s going on up there“, jean says touching his head lightly.

„okay. i can do this“, jeremy mumbles as he gets down on his knee. „jean moreau, you are the love of my life. the light of my existence. ever since i saw you for the first time i knew i liked you, more than i was supposed to. i never dared to hope you would ever like me, or love me for that matter, but somehow you did. somehow you didn‘t turn away when i told you i‘m demi or pan or genderfluid. you stayed. you supported me. you love me. and i want to spend the rest of my life with you, so do me the favour and in the name of god, should they exist, do me the favour and marry me“

jean feels tears running his cheeks. „of course i will marry you, you loser“, he laughs, as he pulls jeremy down to him and connects their lips together. and it feels like their first kiss. it always does. and they would do that for the rest of their lives.

[schrijverr]

Bi-sties

Reggie starts to question his sexuality. After a talk with Julie he discovers he’d bi, later he comes out to Luke and Alex,who love him

On AO3.

Ships: none

warnings: none really, but tell me if I missed anything or if you want me to tag something.

~~~~~~~~~

It wasn’t like Reggie had never thought about it. Of course his brain had drifted to the possibility that he might like dudes when Alex came out, but he had quickly established that he liked girls and with the confidence in his own sexuality, he had allowed the thought to be forgotten.

And then Luke had to go out and prove he had “chemistry with everyone he sang with.”

When he began to sing it was kind of funny actually, but then he kept getting closer and closer until he was cradling Reggie’s head and looking him straight in the eyes. And suddenly Reggie’s thoughts were anything but straight.

Luke had been hot and for a split second Reggie wished the other would kiss him.

He knew he was completely flushed and his brain was fried, since he allowed that first through to actually come out of his face.

But that wasn’t even the worst part, the worst part was Luke kissing his fingers and the pressing them to Reggie’s lips, indirectly doing what Reggie had hoped he would. KISS HIM.

His face must practically match his flannel and he needed to get out of this situation quickly, so he cleared his throat and said: “Girls, am I right?”

And when Alex said no, a small voice in his head, couldn't help but agree.

After that it was just a spiral. Reggie managed to be himself in front of his friends, but inside his head was a mess. It felt as if his whole reality had shifted and he was starting to question every crush he’d ever had.

That did not help, since he was very sure that all the crushes on the pretty girls had been 100% real and not faked, but how did he like boys then? If he did, that was. Could he like both? No, that would be weird, he’d never heard of that.

Maybe he was straight with an appreciation for boys? But that did not seem right after he had found himself fantasizing over big muscles holding him tight.

So maybe he was gay with an appreciation for girls? No, he still looked at soft lips and wondered what it would be like to kiss them or how it would feel to put his hands on their hips.

The whole thing was just really confusing.

He was still thinking about it a few days later, just lying on the couch and looking at the floating chairs while Alex and Luke were off to their usual haunts. Heh, haunts. That would have made him laugh if he wasn’t so preoccupied. Preoccupied enough to not notice Julie enter.

She looked at him for a moment, before she asked: “What’s bothering you?”

Reggie startled violently and fell off the couch. He pouted as he got up and said: “Hey, you don’t scare a ghost, okay. That’s our job.”

“You didn’t answer my question.” Julie told him in favor of ignoring his comment.

“Uhm,” for a moment Reggie thought about just spilling his guts, but he didn’t want to bother Julie and he was afraid of what she would say, “Nothing, absolutely nothing. Why’d you think that?”

Julie raised one disbelieving eyebrow and answered: “So all the distracted looks and the moping when you think no one is around is nothing? I somehow find that hard to believe, Reggie. You know you can talk to me right?”

“Yeah, yeah, I do.” and he did, Julie was super nice and she never judged, which was exactly why Reggie didn’t want to lose her over his own stupid emotions, “It’s just dumb, that’s all.”

“And why is it dumb?” Julie asked.

He gestured vaguely in the air and shrugged: “Just confused about me, but nothing to worry about, I’m fine. It won’t come between practice.”

“That’s not what I’m worried about Reg, I’m worried about you.” Julie told him kindly, “If it’s too personal to share I will respect that, but if I can help, know I won’t judge and can keep a secret.”

Reggie bit his lip, the offer was very tempting and it had been eating him up inside for so long now that he just wanted answers. He glanced between Julie and the floor a few times, then he softly admitted: “I think I’m not straight.”

It was almost inaudible, but Julie was listening very closely. She sat down next to him on the floor and said: “That’s completely fine, you know it is.”

“Yeah, I know, but then I think I might not be, because I’ve liked girls my whole life and I still do, but then Luke. You weren’t there, but he was trying to prove chemistry and he sang to me and for a moment I thought he was gonna kiss me and then I realized I wanted him to kiss me. And now I’ve been thinking about it, but it’s all confusing and I hate it.” once he’d started it was hard to stop talking, so he rambled on until he ran out of steam.

Julie put an arm around him and pulled him to her side, where he sagged into gratefully. She was quiet for a moment, then said: “I don’t want to push anything on you and if it doesn’t fit, it doesn’t, but I think you might be bisexual.”

“Bisexual?” Reggie had never heard that word before.

“It means being attracted to two or more genders, so boys and girls for example.” Julie explained.

He looked at her with wide eyes of disbelief as his brain tried to process what the fuck he had just been told. There was a word for it, he wasn’t weird or crazy. Still he double checked: “And you can just do that? It’s not weird?”

“Not weird at all.” Julie assured him.

“Wow, that’s cool.” he exclaimed, then after a beat of silence he softly said: “Julie? I think I might be bisexual.”

“That’s cool, Reggie. Thank you for trusting me with that. I love you.” Julie wrapped him up into a hug, which he returned wholeheartedly.

They stayed like that for a while. In that time Reggie’s thoughts drifted from relief to anxiety of what Luke and Alex would think. He knew that they accepted Alex, but this was different and maybe Alex would think he was faking it or Luke would regret coming so close to him after finding out he liked boys as well.

It seemed that Julie really was a witch or at least a mind reader, because she asked: “What are you thinking about?”

“Bout the boys. I don’t know if I want to tell them yet.” Reggie mumbled guiltily.

“That’s okay. You don’t need to come out if you don’t want to, just take your time.” Julie assured him, “I didn’t tell anyone for years after I figured it out.”

“You’re bisexual?” Reggie asked, surprised.

“Jup.” Julie grinned and showed him a bracelet with pink, purple and blue, “This is the bi pride flag. Flynn gave it to me after I told her. I used to have a huge crush on her, you know.”

“I can imagine that.” Reggie grinned back, looking at the flag again, it was pretty he thought.

“I can ask her to make you one if you’d like?” she asked.

“Would you do that?” he replied.

“Of course. We’re bi-sties, we need to match.”

Reggie snorted, before thanking her, after which they sat in silence for a few moments, just thinking, shoulder to shoulder.

Then Luke and Alex entered and practice began and the conversation drifted from Reggie’s mind as he got swept up into the music.

But he could not shake it completely.

He was intimately aware of every time he came close to Alex or Luke. He stopped skipping over to the other to share a microphone with him and didn’t touch Alex as easily anymore. It was dumb, he knew it was, but he couldn't help but think they would think he was coming onto them.

Vaguely he recalled that Alex had done the same, before he’d come out and they forced him to hug them again because they’d missed it. But that was Alex, Alex was different, Alex wasn’t a flirt like Reggie was.

Julie was still safe, though, and Ray. So, he would be in the house talking to Ray or jamming with Julie during the practices and that was nice, but he did miss the contact from his brothers.

His new behavior hadn’t gone unnoticed by his best friends, however. So after band practice a few weeks later they cornered him. Luke pouted sadly as he crossed his arms and asked: “Why are you avoiding us?”

“What? Me, avoiding you? You’re crazy, I’m not doing that. I’m right here, aren’t I?” Reggie tried to deflect.

It didn’t work, Alex just gave him a look and said: “Reginald, we’ve known you for too long for that to work. Just tell us what’s wrong. If we did anything, we’ll fix it, okay?”

He was quiet for a moment, then he shrugged: “It’s nothing. It’s dumb, I know it’s dumb, okay? Just working through something right now.”

“Are you okay?” Luke sounded worried and Reggie hated that he had made him sound like that just because he was being stupid.

“I’m fine.” he assured Luke, trying to sound as genuine as he could.

They both stared at him for a while, then Alex carefully said: “I don’t want to disbelieve you, but you also said that every time you fled from your parents fighting, so I’m kind of having a hard time doing that right now.”

Reggie looked at the floor and thought about it. He knew they would be accepting, probably, most likely, and he didn’t want to create a rift between them and he did miss them, even if they were right next to him.

Apparently he had been quiet for too long, because Luke carefully asked: “Reggie?”

He sighed, it would be better to come clean, he knew Julie would be in his corner, so they wouldn't kick him from the band and he’d been keeping his distance just fine. He could keep doing that no question.

“Do you know what there colors mean?” Reggie asked, pushing up the sleeve of his flannel to show the bracelet hidden beneath.

Luke and Alex inspected it closely, before they both admitted they didn’t.

That made it a bit harder, because now Reggie had to explain it and that was really scary. He bit his lip nervously, then softly said: “It’s the bi pride flag.”

He’d done some research on his own, Julie had loaned him her laptop, so he was a bit more confident in explaining, but he still was so anxious.

“Pride as in gay?” Alex asked, recognizing the lingo Willie had explained to him.

“Uhm, yeah, kind of, bi is like bisexual and it’s when you’re attracted to two or more genders, so I like boys and girls. I never really noticed until recently and when I did it was pretty rad, because I wasn’t weird or on my own, but then I thought you guys might think it’s weird and then I kind of spiraled and I’m so so sorry.” tears were falling from his eyes as Reggie took a deep breath, probably to continue rambling, but he was cut off by a hug.

“We love you, bro.” Luke said, “It’s cool that you found your own word, I’m happy for you man.”

“Yeah, you know we won’t think less of you or something. I’m glad you figured yourself out. Love you, dude.” Alex squeezed him tight.

Reggie cried into both their shoulders, glad to be home and with a weight off his shoulders.

They were startled out of the moment by the door opening and Julie saying: “Hey, sorry guys, I forgot my bag so I’m just here to- Are you guys okay? What happened?”

Luke and Alex started to explain at the same time: “Well-” “you see, Reggie here, uhm” “Got something in his eye.” “Yes, something in his eyes, yes. And we were trying to get it out.” “Exactly, that.”

“She knows.” Reggie snorted behind them.

“What?” they turned to him.

“Julie helped me figure it out, she knows.” Reggie explained.

“Oh you told them!” Julie looked at the exposed bracelet and connected the dots, “I’m so proud of you, Reg.” she turned to Luke and Alex, “And you’re good friends for trying to cover for him, that’s really sweet.”

“Well, yeah, I know how it feels.” Alex said.

That made Luke and Reggie pull him into a hug, while Julie made a sad face, before she too joined the cuddle pile. Their little heap of acceptance and love. Their family.

[herstarburststories]

Something About Pride

Summary: It's Pride Month! Dean tries to make sure you feel celebrated today, while Sammy has an inner dilemma about Castiel.

Pairings: Bi!Reader x Dean Winchester, Sam Winchester x Castiel

A/N: I had more alternative titles for that one (too in love to think straight and the gay angel), but this one fits a lot! A bit late, I know.

"Shouldn't you buy him a gift or something? It's like a full on gay Valentine's Day," Dean said in a husky voice, barely functioning in the light of morning as he prepared the daily coffee for him and Sam along with your cold lemon tea.

His little brother didn't bother giving him an articulate answer other than a mild glare at his back. (Y/N) simply rolled your eyes at your boyfriend's statement, a small grin on your lips. Dean could be simultaneously clueless, dumb and cute sometimes.

‘’I doubt Cass knows what pride month is, honestly.’’ You glance at Sam, resting your hand on his arm with a friendly smile. “But I think it would be cool if you somehow celebrated with him.’’ 

‘’Wait,’’ Dean interrupted the conversation, placing the coffee pot and your cup of tea on the table. ‘’Do you want to celebrate it?’’ he asked, suddenly worried about somehow being negligent on something important to you.

‘’Nah, I'm good. Being myself is all the celebration I need right now.’’ You grinned at him, withdrawing your hand arm to grab the cup full of chilled tea. It was adorable how caring Dean was. ‘’Besides, your gift this morning was good enough.’’

The wink you offered, followed by Dean's double-meaning smirk caused Sammy to huff lightly and purse his lips. ‘’Leave the weird kinks for the bedroom, guys. And more silently. I can hear.’’

His elder brother rolled his eyes and claimed the seat next to you. ‘’And I thought he would get some after he got with Cass.’’

‘’I think he would like it,” you continued after taking a sip of your tea. ‘’Maybe you could bring him to a parade?’’

‘’And explain him that pride month happens because people were killed and tortured for loving someone?’’ Sam replied, a hint of harshness in his voice. It was obvious he didn’t want to snap, but it could be a delicate situation when the brunette male thought about it. Castiel clearly knew that love has no boundaries regarding to gender — his angel nature and the fact that he had various vessels through the ages made him indifferent when it came to sex — but he probably wasn't aware that it hadn't been always like this on earth. Part of Sam didn't want to explain too much. For once, he wanted to make himself believe that not knowing could be a blessing.

You laid your eyes on him, a frown on your face. Dean was silent like he usually would be during conversations like this. Rather, he was pouring coffee for him and Sammy.

Sighing, the taller man tried to reason with himself. "I'm sorry, it's just — "

‘’It's okay. I get it,” you said, refusing further explanation. You remembered how nervous Sam was to tell Dean and how broken he was after realizing that John would never know part of what made him who he was. He was paralyzed, even, spine chilled with horror as he’d considered how his father could react. ‘’The accumulation of history, this heteronormative society. it’s buried deep inside everyone. It makes coming out necessary and scary, and even sometimes it backfires as if we were doing something wrong. Some people even tell us it’s something wrong, but that doesn’t make all that we have achieved any less important or beautiful.”

Dean's hand found your high under the table. It’s a soft squeeze and not in the teasing manner that you’re used to. His own little way of supporting you, of saying I'm here if you want to talk or drink about it. I have your back. He has been always supportive when it came to your bisexuality and his brother's sexuality. You pecked his cheek.

‘’I know, it is just…’’ Sam shrugged, his hazel eyes getting puffy. ‘’What Cas and I have — It's innocent. It's good. I don't want him to doubt it or something because of what a bunch of ignorant people think. Does that make sense?’’

‘’Cass has had the hots for you for years, dude. He didn't run away from us when he had to go against Chuck, go to the purgatory or when you offered him rabbit food. He won't leave anymore.’’

Although he coated his tongue with a humorous truth, it broke Dean's heart to hear the fragility in his little brother's voice. For as much as Castiel was his best friend, he was ready to punch the grace out of that angel if he hurt Sammy.

‘’He is right, Sam. Castiel wouldn't doubt your relationship for that. It's Pride Month. History isn't known for being pretty, but victorious. And we won.’’

‘’Sometimes I just wish we didn't have to fight,’’ Sammy said quietly, shrugging while he grabbed the cup of coffee to bring to his lips.

You gave him a solidary glare, an empathetic smile adding in your expression. You held his huge hand in yours, rubbing your thumb into Sam's palm.

‘’I know.’’ What was left to say? It was unfair as most things in centuries. It was revolting. But above all, it was changing. Love was finally being seen in every way. Things were slowly getting better. ‘’But we keep fighting, right? And we get something good.’’ You pulled away, drinking more of your lemon tea. Sam nodded, sniffling a bit while he recomposed himself. ‘’You could keep it simple if you explain, like…’’ 

‘’Tell him it is a full-month of exclusively gay Valentine,’’ Dean suggested, smiling genuinely at his idea and wiggling his eyebrows.

Sam sighed and you scrunched your nose, but had to agree with your boyfriend. That would be a good way to describe it to Castiel. 

‘’You could bring him to a parade or give him one of those tiny rainbow flags, like Captain Holt’s. It's cute!’’

Dean grimaced. ‘’Don't be that chick flick, Sammy.’’

‘’How is that chick flick, Winchester?’’ You arched your eyebrow, almost challenging him to continue.

The long-haired brother just chuckled at you two, rising from the chair with his cup in hand. He needed to think about Castiel and the whole month's explanation deal.

‘’All right, I'll let you two argue alone.’’

Sammy could hear the words that grow more quietly as he stepped away from the kitchen.

‘’Are you sure you don't want to go to a parade or something?’’

It brings an amount of pride that he didn't think he would feel, just like the joy.

Sam Winchester wasn’t the kind of man to get nervous mincing words, especially near his family. That was why he almost felt ashamed when the faint tremble in his voice became noticeable enough for even him to detect when he spoke to his boyfriend.

‘’So, Cass, I wanted to talk to you about something.’’

The hunter wanted to scream stupid at himself for the tiny frown on Castiel's usual tranquil expression. When Sam said similar words to the angel, it was most likely to be a life or death situation, or a Dean becoming a demon situation, or a Chuck about to destroy the world situation.

And he certainly wasn't this anxious when he first brought it up to his brother and you.

‘’What is this about?’’

‘’Full-gay Valentine's Day, but it's a month.’’ Dean arched his eyebrows, pursed lips parting into a proud smile. You slapped his arm. Unbelievable. ‘’What? You agree!’’

You held his arm and dragged him out of the room. Sam needed privacy. As you and his brother walked away between whispers, he let out a breath that he didn't even notice the holding. 

For a split of second, Sammy almost followed you two to bring Dean and his stupid jokes back to the subject.

The hunter coughed, but his angel lover just remained standing there; calm blue eyes waiting for his next speech, head subtly titled to the side because of his curiosity.

‘’Uh, Pride Month.’’

For his surprise, Castiel answered with a nod, ‘’The month of love, I believe? It is very colorful to see.’’

‘’You know what it is?’’ Sammy frowned in confusion, approaching his boyfriend with a soft smile. It was a weird relief. He wouldn't dare to tell Cass how some humans saw their relationship. Not that they mattered, anyway. But it'd haunt him how his lover could react. After all, Castiel was still considerably new to the human world as a dweller.

‘’Yes, I do. A month to celebrate romantic relationships,” the blue-eyed man said. Once he saw the look on Sam’s face, he quickly added, ‘’I saw it on the television.’’

‘’Yeah, it's, huh, kinda like that. But not fully.’’ He gave him a tight smile. Sammy was close enough to hold his hand, and so he did. God, it was possible to feel his body relax just with that mere touch. If Samuel didn't know any better, he'd theorize that he could sense Castiel's grace. But no, it must've been love in its purest form. ‘’It's important for relationships too, but it is mostly about self pride. Like accepting and praising part of who you are.’’

Cass intertwined their fingers, enjoying the way Sam's soul shone brighter to his closeness. It was such a majestic view.

‘’I was thinking, maybe we could go to one of them. Or just have a date. It's kind of our special month on earth. Well, the backstory isn't that nice, but — ’’

‘’Many things in humanity aren't, Sam. You are not a harmonic kind. Like bees,’’ Castiel said, butting into his human's babbling as he noticed how agitated his aura became. As if he was scared for some reason. Sam gulped, the prior anxious feeling crawling back in a bigger form. ‘’Although, it is an honorable celebration for a great cause. I would like to enjoy this with you.”

Sammy's mouth was open in a perfect shape of an O. Features echoing his mixed feelings of intrigue and shock, he had to make sure of what he heard by asking: ‘’You would?’’ 

‘’Yes, Sa — Honey.’’ The graceful being was still learning the perks of being in a romantic relationship. Pet names were a new thing to him, but honey was his favorite. Mostly because of its association with his favorite insect. ‘’We could go for one of the group walks on the street? The sensation to be there seems — ’’

“Freeing?’’ He smiled, pulling Castiel closer to his taller figure with a free hand. Not a worry in earth, hell and heaven catching his mind now.

Castiel curved his lips into a smile. It was tiny, but it was there, just like the hold on his waist. Would every move of his angel make him experience this peaceful embrace? He believed so. Perhaps that was the happiness that he found in the chaos of his life. That his brother found. And it was good. God, it was amazing. Heaven in one angel, just for him. 

‘’Exactly, like pride.’’ Sam's words come only to be soon replaced by his lips pressing against Castiel's in a kiss.

He felt so proud to love him. No one could take it away.

And they wouldn't.

Masterlist

Dean's Sweetheart: @akshi8278

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[solarcitymelodies]

Wowza sorry y'all about the random massive Rockafire spam, I'm pretty sure ??most?? People on here? know me for just Knight Rider because that's the only thing I've ever REALLY posted about--

but I Do Not Care it's RAE hours right now so uhhh here's some headcannons that probably aren't Canon compliant very much because I just got into RAE like last week

So like. I feel like Mitzi is a Good Amount younger than the rest of the band like she was in highschool when she joined, the rest of em were all Adults™ and she was a little bit nervous about it because...... ADULTS™

She was just lookin for a place to get her singing voice out there, because ya girl REALLY wanted to perform, and showbiz happened to have a slot open, but she did not expect all of the members to be older than her (although looking back, she realized she probably should have expected that)

It was intimidating at first but Billy Bob and Fatz were just the absolute sweetest and they introduced her properly to the rest of the band because she was like "oh I barely talk to them because I get nervous :(" and the resident dads p much said "aight we can do all the talking for you then, how about that?" And badabing badaboom she's now attached to these two and like honestly who isn't or maybe that's just me but ANYWAYS I feel like the band would become a second home/safe space for her

Yeah fr some reason I have BIG long headcannon for her joining the band but the rest of them? Nobody knows how they got there for all I know they just Showed Up One Day

Also I came across this

https://youtu.be/UU7BeUWQBDI

Which got me thinkin about what my headcannons were as far as sexuality/gender stuff

And I find the concept of Billy Bob being Very Much Straight And Ignorant but trying his hardest to be a good ally SO funny like if someone came out to him he'd probably be like "oh!! I don't understand why you would choose that lifestyle but I respect you!!" not realizing how incredibly stupid he sounds sjkrjh like I don't think he can very easily wrap his head around how people are just. not cishet. so he's like "OH then it must be a choice, right? like you can choose to be gay but you're born straight. Right?" and everyone just shakes their heads in the background but he does earnestly try his best and my man would rather DIE than disrespect someone's pronouns I know this for sure

Fatz is pretty similar, straight ally and a lil confused but he's got the spirit, you know? He still least knows being gay (as well as,,, m o s t sexualities that aren't straight, although some he doesn't get/know about at all) isn't a choice but he hasn't quite grasped that being trans is also not a choice. He will respect your pronouns to hell and back but by god he doesn't get it,,, he's trying though and he feels very accomplished in himself that he's starting to get the hang of using they/them even though he slips up a lot

The rest of the band encourages the HELL out of these two because they're. Trying their best and making an honest effort which is more than a pretty good chunk of people would give

Rolfe, Earl, and Dook are the reasons Billy Bob and Fatz are trying so hard to understand it lmao

Rolfe took it upon himself to hang up a MASSIVE gay pride flag backstage, being the flaming homosexual that he is, and the rest of the squad quickly realized "oh he's GAY gay he wasn't kidding" because at first they literally thought he was joking as he was actually just being openly and obnoxiously a raging mlm (and like I mean no shade to him this isn't me tryna to make fun of it because my dumb sapphic ass almost crashed my car once because I saw a pretty girl walk down the street. And by "once" I mean. Yesterday.) Anyways yeah that's when the rest of em Realized and were like "OH" but after the massive pride flag was hung up that prompted Dook to come out and they were all like "???? YOU TOO????"

Dook is a non-binary ICON he's a demiboy and goes by both he/him and they/them and probably would have a bunch of pride pins I think,,, I'm not really sure of his sexuality though!! honestly he kinda gives me bisexual vibes but Who Knows . Not me. He has a HELL of a time trying to explain his gender to the rest of the band (except for Rolfe because like. He's a part of the community so he knows) and basically he was met with "so you're just a dude but ✨spicy✨?" and it was like, "no, but I have no idea how to explain it in a way that will make sense to you, so. yes?" And that explanation seemed to suffice for most of them

Mitzi went in knowing NOTHING about what being non-binary was so she asked a l o t of questions about it, which Dook just kinda dealt with answering (he's heard most of it before, and it gets tiring after a while. if you're nb or trans or honestly any part of LGBTQ+ you know what I mean) but he thought it was really sweet of her to be so determined to learn about it and eventually she did get a grasp on it ish, so she was able to understand why it wasn't just ✨spicy male✨ (the conversation pretty much went "well if i was just male, don't you think I would label myself that way instead?" "....oH TRUE!!!") and she ended up a VERY passionate ally, and she'll ask occasionally about how to be better at it, bein a queen as she is 👉👉 also definitely started questioning her sexuality after a while and just went with "maybe bicurious" and Rolfe, Dook, and Earl were all like "ONE OF US, ONE OF US"

Earl has never once spoken about his sexuality in his life, because 1. He's very aware that's an awkward conversation to have with a puppet, and 2. He's aroace anyways, which is basically what people assume even if they don't realize it just for their own peace of mind, because seriously, puppets and any identity that ISN'T aroace creates a really uncomfortable mental image for... Most people, pretty much. So it's not like he ever needed to say anything about it, which is convenient for him because he wouldn't want to say anything either way. not worth the risk of embarrassing himself and making everyone feel awkward

(side note ish though Rolfe 100% came out to Earl first and was met with "I already knew that but okay." Rolfe was mildly offended)

And spEAKING OF EARL he's VERY much sentient but he can't say he's particularly enthusiastic about it because Rolfe has to carry him around everywhere

He can move on his own but it's limited and generally annoying to maneuver around with his tiny body so he just says screw it half the time and stays on Rolfe's arm or hitch a ride on Random Object, but like... Yeah, the majority of the time Rolfe just has to deal with only having one arm available and a puppet directly next to him making fun of him at every possible chance

They high-key have chaotic and unorganized college roommate vibes (like they're actually roommates because... Where tf is Earl supposed to go?? So Rolfe took him in) and idk if this is really like a part of my headcannons or if I just think it's funny so I keep entertaining the idea of it but I think it would be Fantastic if Rolfe had no idea how to cook but Earl somehow did so this idiot is trying to take instructions from a puppet, who can't physically show him what to do, and it's like Hell's Kitchen live featuring a furry and a sentient stuffed animal

Aaaaamd going off of my Rolfe and Earl headcannons still Rolfe for SURE has some sort of executive dysfunction issue. ADD or ADHD I'm not sure (probably ADHD) but he definitely has it also this totally isn't just me projecting how dare you accuse me of that

And!!! More about Dook!!!! I don't know how or why I thought up of this but I cannot possibly imagine him any other way now-- he's autistic and space is his Big Huge special interest, and if you ever ask him about it you have to be prepared to get infodumped or possibly even shown a PowerPoint presentation, because GOD he loves space!!! He wants everyone to know all about it!! He knows not everyone thinks it's as cool as he does so he tries to keep his mouth shut but when someone asks about it he can't help himself and will infodump a LOT, also haha drumming stims go brrrr, playing the drums isn't really a stim but he likes to just take his drumsticks and whack em around in the air and get that good ol Wavy Arm Action (wavy arms is best stim change my mind you can't it's GOOD)

Also i bbbbelieve earlier I reposted somethin about someone else headcannoning that he has echolalia, which I don't really know enough about to say anything on it?? But even if he doesn't have echolalia he'd probably repeat phrases over and over until he gets tired of them (which is,,, something I do lmao, it's either memes I get stuck in my head or things I've heard from various medias I like the inflections in (like one tiktokker I saw was talking about their tourettes and their vocal tics and one of them was "uh oh! How unfortunate!" and now I CAN'T STOP SAYING IT)) but like uhhh yeah :))) repeating phrases that get stuck in your head for various reasons for the win

This is already really long so I'm just gonna vibe out thanks for coming to my Ted talk feel free to ask questions I probably won't be able to answer a lot of em though because my headcannons are a Mess hehe >:)

[lblwlw]

Hello!

First post here, but I have a long history with tumblr. Tumblr has always sort of been a place for me to escape because few of my friends ever had my URL/followed me. This time it’s a little more important.  

CW: Brief mentions of sexual occurrences with men, brief talk of depression, nothing too serious or graphic

TLDR; I’ve suppressed my gayness on accident for basically my whole life, identified as bi, married a man, realized I’m gay, am now figuring out my life.

Warning, this is a LONG post.

I have always been been fascinated with sexuality, more specifically same sex relationships. I was always interested in the idea of being in a same sex relationship but told myself, “no, that’s not me”. Eventually in middle school I played with the idea of being bisexual when I learned what that meant. I said, perfect. I can tell my internet friends I like girls, too, but I won’t have to tell anyone else and I can just worry about boys then at school and for my parents. I had a few crushes on boys, but the thought of actually dating them terrified me and so I very rarely did more than think about them a lot and just tell my friends that I was “too ugly” or whatever else, or “too awkward.” What they didn’t know was that through MySpace I met a girl and had a huge crush on her. We talked a lot and we said we were dating. I never really told anyone. That eventually fizzled out. 

Over time I got bullied a couple times because classmates found my MySpace and found that I identified as bi. I quickly learned it was something I didn’t want to talk about. I dealt with a lot of anxiety and depression throughout all of school. In high school I steadily crushed on one boy almost all four years, but looking back I think I really just enjoyed and wanted to be his friend. Or I just kind of picked him as the one I liked the most so I had a crush to be a normal girl. I dated two boys the entirety of high school, the first one I broke up with because once he finally asked me out (after I “liked him”) and we did relationship things, like kissing, I was not all about it. It didn’t feel right. I thought, maybe I just didn’t like him. Next boyfriend, I wasn’t entirely objected to kissing him but it wasn’t my favorite. It got more frustrating when he wanted to do more. I wasn’t so opposed to him touching me, but when it came to touching him I was like “this ain’t it”. I stayed with him anyway, hoping I would “get over it” until he broke up with me. I wonder now if he could tell I wasn’t into it.

There was actually a time in which I thought, maybe I should date girls? One of my friends was dating a girl, and I thought that was wonderful. I went to her to tell her that I had been thinking maybe I’d rather date girls. I totally blocked this conversation out of my head until recently.

Once I was done with high school I was discouraged but tried to date a few different guys. None of them went that fantastically. If I met them online, I usually came up with a reason we couldn’t meet. “Maybe this just won’t work” It was fun to talk and flirt but when it came down to bringing it into real life I’d panic because that meant kissing a guy again, and possibly having sex. It made me totally uncomfortable. Finally I said, “I wish I was just into girls, ugh.” Remembered that I was, and that I should try it finally. I matched with this sweet girl that was about a year younger than me. She seemed so put together and so kind. We went on a few dates, getting ramen, fancy cupcakes, riding on a trolly in the city, etc. I remember when I got to kiss her in public and I was SO pumped to be seen doing that! Another time, I believe I drove her home but we parked away from her house and made out in my car. I still remember so much of it vividly. 

Eventually I realized that if I was seriously dating her, she would want it to be known. I’d have to face my fears and tell my family. For some reason, this absolutely terrified me. It shouldn’t have but it did. I thought through my options, and decided I should just find a nice guy that will love me and spend my life with me so I don’t have to do this anymore. I did the unspeakable act of basically just ghosting her and pursued a guy from work who, realistically, kind of freaked me out. Thanks to good old compulsive heterosexuality, I read this as my attraction to him. Thankfully, he was pretty easily attracted to me. I recall early in the relationship wishing I hadn’t done that awful thing to that girl, and that I wish I was still dating a girl. Nothing was technically wrong with my relationship that I had now, but something felt off. Like I was missing something. I tucked that away somewhere in my head and enjoyed building an amazing friendship with this man. I did love him, and I still do. He’s kind, he’s sensitive, we have a lot of shared interests and he’s taught me so much intentionally and unintentionally. 

We got married last year and while I felt grateful I had this amazing person beside me, I remember a part of me wondering if this was right for me. I had this weird little empty pocket somewhere in my heart. That I had given up my young adulthood maybe, and that I could have experienced being with... a woman, for real. I thought, I wish I could have met my husband later in life, maybe. Maybe then I’d have gotten my desires for women out of the way and then been with him forever. Because I do love him, he’s a good person and deserves to be loved. I enjoyed the wedding as a big party that I got to have with my family, but I just remember wondering where that extreme excitement was that everyone always described. Was I broken?

Now over a year later, I was sitting at home one day feeling lost and depressed. I had been on TikTok and saw all these young people having fun and I wished that I had spent more time trying to have fun in the past, before I got married. I thought, I could do it now, but what if something happened and I somehow I fell for one of these girls while being with my husband? Wait... why would I even think that? I started to really analyze this thought. I thought, if I was bi like I had always identified, why could I not be happy with my husband? Well, I was, but something was missing. This thought popped into my head: Oh no. What if I am gay? 

What?! Why would I think that? That’s crazy. I would have known as a kid like everyone says. Right? That’s how that works. I chalked this up to feeling like I was missing out and tried to stop thinking about it. It was hard not to, though. And so I googled one morning while out listening to the birds, after escaping bed before my husband rose to avoid his intimacy: “lesbian married to a man”

This article came up about a woman who had been married to a man for many years and they had kids. She started to question herself, and her attraction to him. I don’t remember all of it but I remember getting really uncomfortable but also having this weird sense of calm. That finally, I felt like I identified with something. I wasn’t really sure though. I sent a message to the lady who wrote the article. She replied a week later telling me that she had a podcast called Lesbian Chronicles. I said, okay, I need to listen to this. I listened to about two episodes or so when they mentioned this thing called “The Master Doc” and the reddit sub called Late Bloomer Lesbians. I was like “Holy crap, a community??”

I logged onto reddit for the first time ever. I saw all these women posting in similar situations to me. I found “The Master Doc” and “Straight women don’t say...”

It was like a light bulb went off. Oh my god, everything makes sense! Maybe I’m NOT broken! I remembered all the women that I had crushes on. All the times I thought about women but told myself I was just “weird” and tried not to think about it. I always thought, no I can’t be gay because I wasn’t sure of it as a kid. Now I realized that women especially are fed a straight narrative. It’s “normal” to not be attracted to men the way they are to you. It’s normal to not totally enjoy sex with men... When I learned that we’ve been told this, and it isn’t really true... I wanted to cry. Now I was in the biggest “pickle” ever. I have this man who loves me, who I said vows to swearing I loved him the same forever. Did I just accept who I was and what I did and live with it? Did I break up with him? That seemed to harsh. I heard a lot of women in the same position say they spoke to a therapist. I immediately googled therapists in my area that specialized in LGBTQ+ issues, sent an email ASAP, and felt a little bit of relief. I knew this was real because after years of playing with the idea of seeing a therapist, this came so naturally when I needed help with this.

Now I am here. I feel very confident that I am gay, and my dad knows now. I tried to bring it up with my husband but it didn’t go very well. He currently thinks that maybe I’m just a sad bisexual who hasn’t been able to express her bi-ness. I am at a point a conversation needs to happen again. I told myself when my lesbian flag and pin came in the mail, I would talk to him again. It’s being delivered today. I am terrified, to say the least. It feels so wrong to “betray” this man who has dedicated to much time and work to giving us as good a life as he can. But I need to live my truth. It will come. I’m low-key excited for it. I hope maybe this helps someone going through the same thing.

-Anonymous Married Lesbian

[killinglonliness]

I’M COMING OUT! (Kind of)

Hi there! I know many of you are not interested in my personal life as I don’t know you and you don’t know me, but today I wanted to write something extremly personal that I really needed to get out of my chest. 

YES, I’m coming out of the closet.

BUT, not in the way many do.

ALSO, I’m not sure it counts as “coming out“.

I created this tumblr account to write my thoughts on sexuality (First MY sexuality, and second what I think about some aspects of sexuality itself),  without letting my family or friends know about it.

I know many of you will say that I should do it, but here is where I may be a bit controversial about the “coming out” part. Prepare for it: I DON’T LIKE LABELS.

I fully support the LGBT+ community and I don’t think anyone is wrong. It just doesn’t work for me. And how I came to that conclusion?

All my life I’ve been living whitout caring much about my sexuality in terms of labels. My family is religious, firmly catholic, and I AM too. But they never pressured me to be “girly” or to “have a boyfriend”. My next door neighbours were a GAY COUPLE, AND I KNEW IT. My mom never said anything about them, neither did my dad. 

They taught me to respect the others, and even though they didn’t fully agree with gay couples, they never hated on them. So, as a little kid I was pretty much ok with my neighbours being gay. ALSO they were extremly handsome (haha sorry). One was a pilot and the other a doctor.

Now that I think about them, they were the perfect example of an ‘accepted by their families’ couple. As they had family parties every now and then, and I never saw or heard a commotion of some sorts. So, yeah, I knew the concept of being gay, but no one told me with the specific word that my neighbours were gay, nor did they told me it was wrong.

So, cool. Romantic love is not only for heterosexual couples. Love has no limits. I understood it early in life and I never questioned it, not even when I fulfilled my duties as a catholic. I knew not all of it could be right or wrong, true or false. 

ABOUT ME. Well, as I said, I was born in a catholic family, with ancestries that defied the same religion they believed in, not because religion itself, but because of the institution it was ruled by. Also, I have a direct gay ancestry and it was never hidden to me, and he was loved by his family until he died, even if it was somehow taboo.

When I was a kid I felt attracted mostly to males, in high school it was the first time I felt attracted to females. And nowadays I have no romantic interests hahaha even if I do feel quite lonely.

AND getting to the point I was trying to get at. I don’t entirely identify as Gay, Bisexual or Demisexual, wich are the ones I relate the most to. I DON’T LIKE describing myself as any of those as I don’t like describing myself as heterosexual.

I was never questioned, I expressed my support for the LGBT+ community even against my parents, but I also didn’t talk about it much. Maybe because I’m socially awkard, an introvert and mostly quiet. I won’t feel offended if someone asks me “Are you part of the LGBT+ community?” but also I would likely answer NO.

I don’t feel the need to be part of it to be myself. I’m comfy with who I am, and if in the near future I want to declare to someone, anyone, I will.

BUT, early this week I felt concious. 

The last year I joked with my auntie when I saw a pair of trainers with a rainbow pattern and told her “Hey look! To support the LGBT+ community!”. And my aunt laughed, I laughed, we weren’t going to buy it, and I kinda liked them, but hey! I don’t have the money! 

The past month my auntie bought a T-shirt with a rainbow pattern, and she gave it to me because it didn’t fit her and was a bit too tight. I liked it but never got to use it... ‘till monday. And I had to take my dog for a walk. Out there with the rainbow fully exposed. I didn’t feel weird at all... untill I found a friend (ok, I kinda like him) and his mother walking with their dogs... and they eyed me “funny” (mostly his mother), but greeted me as usual. We’ve known each other since I was 6 and him 4, but never been that close.

Maybe I’m overthinking but after that I became a bit concious and noticed other people looking at me like that. I’m not against the pride flag, but am I going to be labeled as ‘gay’ just from a rainbow?. I don’t know... I didn’t like the look. but I like the shirt. Man I feel conflicted. I don’t like to be judged ‘cause I don’t judge.

I know we’re not there, yet. But for me it’s as obvious as laws of nature. Why others can’t understand and accept what is different. And, I don’t know maybe I’m the wrong one and I shouldn’t be reacting when labeld as gay because partialy I am, but I don’t feel the necesity to say so, because it will only matter when I’m with my significant other.

Yeah, I’m Bi, I’m Demi, who knows? I’m a woman, I’m 26 now (If you’re reading this on July 2nd, 2020), and the only insecurities I have are from being obese.

:D PLEASE, feel free to comment, and help me get through this blog writing my thoughts on sexuality. Say if you agree or not, ask me anything! I’d love to talk to someone about this, and see if anyone feels like me. If you made it this far, thank you for reading!! 

[miyomiikonran]

So, I saw this posted by @laur-rants (thanks for sharing!) and thought it's cool so I decided to do it~

Rules: Repost and tag 10 people

Birthday: 27/09

Star sign: Libra ⚖️

Gender: ♀️

Height: 169cm which is... Between 5'6" and 5'7" I think?

Sexual Orientation: Homosexual/slightly bisexual (complicated)

Romantic orientation: Demiromantic, which was a big revelation when I found out this term exists around 2-3 years ago and I'm happy about it <3

Favourite colour: Blue forever :P Pretty common answer I think.

Time and date at the current moment: 21/03/2020 4:20 PM

Average hours of sleep: 5-8 with 5 being absolute minimum for me to somehow exist and not bite everyone around me.

Lucky number: 3

The last thing I googled: Height calculator for previous question :')

First word that comes to mind: Hilarious?

One place that makes me happy: My sweetheart's flat where we both can be peacefully lazy together <3

How many blankets do I sleep under: Just one but I'm usually rolled in it like a mummy.

Favourite fictional character currently: Hnn... Tbh I have a lot of favs, but recently I started to watch Bungou Stray Dogs and I think Osamu is the best guy in here :'D

Favourite famous person: I'm not really interested in celebrities and such and cannot think of anyone else right know.

Celebrity crush/es: I don't have any? :') But I watched Endgame not that long ago and I think both Robert Downey and Brie Larson looked pretty hot? :')

Favourite books: Well shiet my lack of reading time after starting university is kicking in cus I can't really tell that I have any real favourites.

Favourite animals: Parrots! I love watching videos about them and I would like to have one or two when I'm finally gonna be on my own <3

Favourite shows: If cartoons and anime count too then recent favourite is definitely Steven Universe & Steven Universe Future, but Bleach and Wakfu are my all-time favourites despite their flaws. I have few fav cooking shows as well.

Favorite musician/band: My taste in music is very complicated but there is one guy from Accantus (group doing musical covers) who I like a lot, Adrian Wiśniewski.

Favorite games: Damn I have a lot of these :'D I loved Skyrim, all parts of Assassin's Creed till Black Flag, Detroit: Become Human even tho I couldn't play it myself due to lack of PS4 and now I know too much to play it on PC :') I also love whole Witcher series, Darkest Dungeon, Dead Cells, Papers Please, This War of Mine (it has very special place in my heart) and many other games I had no chance to play by myself like The Walking Dead series, many indie horror games and such.

Last movie I’ve seen in the cinema: Little Women! Such a great film, I highly recommend to see it c:

Dream Holiday: Depends. If I was supposed to go by myself then my dream would be some huge tour through famous cities of the world, like Petersburg, Moscow, Istambul, Rome, Tokio, Pekin and so on, the more the better but it would cost waaaaaaay too much for me to afford it :'D If I would go together with my significant other then just some quiet cabin place near lake and forests to go on walks, cook together and just be our silly geeky selves would be more then enough <3

Dream job: Well, I wanted to be a history teacher, that's what my major prepared me for and I'm at last year... But education system in my country is a simple way to kill any passion. Unless something changes I'm thinking about living somewhere else where teacher's situation is better, even if it would mean extra courses and such for me to fit into it.

Wearing right now: Oversized dark blue T-shirt with wolf on it and grey sweatpants. Yay, quarantine.

Last book I read: Most of the books I'm reading are connected either to my major or to my master thesis which I'm struggling to write right now, so it was "Daily life in 1960s in Polish People's Republic" (loose translation). When it comes to books I read for fun, last one was Summer Palace and rest of Captive Prince's trilogy :)

I won't really demand for anyone to do it, but I can always tag who I have in mind~

Obviously @ironic-artist, maybe @acertaincritic would like to share stuff and maybe @purple--hurricane and @byhikarii would be interested? That's all people I have in mind c:

[squadlessgeek]

Pride: Chapter Two

[previous]

Summary: That good good human AU. If you couldn’t tell from the title, it’s pretty gay. The sides meet at Pride.

Warnings:  All interpretations of characters’ sexualities and gender identities are my own headcanons and AUs and junk, obviously I know that in reality the sides are all part of Thomas who is a cisgender gay man but I can have some fun and take liberties in AUs alright this is fiction let me live. Inspired in part by this wonderful art. Oh, also, Deceit.

Word count: 1271

Pairings: prinxiety, we got some loceit in this chapter yooo im not even sorry

Tag List: @monikastec @persepinecone @horsesquid @sassy-and-messy @ilivetoexist @lizaelsparrow @galaxy-warping @insanityandimperfection @musikasworld @sander-fander-sides  @swlotakulady34 @llamaavocado @applecannibal @helloisthisusernametaken @wildhorsewolf @justanotherpurplebutterfly @beautifully-terribly @awkward-avocado-of-death @ab-artist @toujours-fidele @an-awkward-gay @anaveragegayfan @gingergiraffe101 @i-just-punched-malfoy @useless-asexual273 (let me know if you’d like to be added!)

Despite the almost overwhelming amount of people that were outside, filling the streets, the cafe wasn’t too crowded. When Logan and Remy walked through the doors, Logan breathed a sigh of relief. There were only a few groups of people, all of them celebrating the event, no doubt. Flags and arrays of colors decorated everyone inside. Immediately upon entry, Remy spotted his friends and dragged Logan by the wrist over to where two people sat on stools at the bar, close together. One of them wore a red shirt and a bisexual flag draped across his shoulders, and the other wore a large pink hoodie despite the sweltering heat outside. The one in red had his arm around the one in pink, their faces and bodies close. Logan couldn’t decide if the public display of affection was endearing or off-putting.

“Hey babes!” Remy called out as they approached the pair. The two sitting down turned in their stools to face Remy and Logan. The latter pulled their arm away from Remy, taking in the appearances of the other two.

The one in red (Roman, Logan learned as Remy introduced them) had died his hair the colors of the rainbow, and it was impressively well done. His red shirt read #FEMINIST in large white font. The other, Virgil (an odd but interesting name—Logan made a mental note to research it later on), had his hair dyed a deep shade of purple. On the front of the pink hoodie was a rainbow design, as well as a few buttons pinned to the fabric. One of the pins was black and contained two Mars symbols connected together, while the other had the transgender pride colors and the word Ally in black. He also wore dark, smudged eye-shadow beneath his eyes, and Logan wondered what the purpose of that was. It made him look tired and uneasy, though the smile on his lips suggested otherwise; he seemed comfortable around Roman, who Logan assumed was his partner, which was confirmed by Remy.

“It’s nice to meet you two,” Logan said, giving them a small wave. Virgil, with the hand that wasn’t tucked into the pocket of his sweater, snapped and formed the shape of a gun with his fingers in Logan’s general direction.

“You too,” he said. Already, Logan could tell these two were... interesting. They had much in common with Remy, especially Roman, who seemed to be more... flamboyant. Extra, as Remy sometimes put it. “This your first Pride?” Virgil asked as Remy and Logan sat in the stools beside the pair. They took up almost the entire bar, but it didn’t seem as if many people were going to be coming into the cafe anyway. 

“Yes, it is.” Logan answered, hoping that their smile didn’t look too uncomfortable.

“Mine too. Roman’s been going since he came out, though, and I’m pretty sure Remy’s the same way, so no worries. They know what they’re doing, and won’t force us to be around too many people,” Virgil continued, looking up at Roman and elbowing him in the side. Roman wheezed and snapped to attention. “Right, Ro?” Roman nodded and pressed his lips to the side of Virgil’s head. Logan couldn’t help but notice that their (Lo) and Roman’s (Ro) nicknames were similar; it brought a small, genuine smile to their lips. Maybe they’d fit in just fine with this group. At least crowds wouldn’t be too big of an issue, if they planned on avoiding them. 

“D needs to hurry that little booty of his up,” Roman sighed down at his phone before setting it on the counter, shaking his head. 

Remy gasped, leaning past Logan to speak directly in Roman’s face. “Is he coming? Right now?” His tone sounded overly excited. Logan was about to ask who this ‘D’ person was, until Remy turned to them and explained. “D is the surprise.” Well. Not much of an explanation. Logan rolled their eyes just at the same moment Virgil did, and both of them cracked small smiles. It seemed they had more in common with Virgil than they did with either Roman or Remy. The ‘R’s, they decided to call them.

“Duh, I told you I was gonna introduce them,” Roman said, taking a moment to sip from the coffee cup sat on the counter beside his phone. “He should be here soon, but he takes forever to respond to texts, so who knows.”

Logan gave Remy a pointed look. “Is this another blind date situation?” They asked, and glowered when Remy only grinned. “I told you, I don’t think—”

“Lo, really, you gotta give it a shot, at least. You never know, pup, he could be the one!”

“You also said that about the creep you set me up with that asked for a lock of my hair for—“ Logan raised their hands for air quotes, “—‘business reasons.’ I’m starting to think you just have bad taste.”

Remy took a deep breath and pressed a palm to his chest as if he’d just been shot. “I take... extreme offense to that. Besides, I’ve never even met D, he isn’t my taste, he’s theirs!” Remy gestured to Roman and Virgil. Roman lit up and nodded, evidently very invested in the romantic life of Logan, who he barely even knew, if at all.

Logan sighed, conceding. “Fine. I’ll try not to be so pessimistic.”

“That’s the spirit!” Remy exclaimed, patting Logan on the back with such force that it nearly knocked their glasses from their face.

----

When D arrived, the five of them moved from the bar to a booth so they could have proper conversations without leaving anyone out. Logan ended up sitting in between Remy and D, which they were positive was planned. They stayed quiet for much of the conversation that the others had, as did Virgil, who instead looked down at his phone, scrolling seemingly endlessly on his screen. D (Logan was determined to find out his full name at some point, surely it couldn’t just be a single letter) wore a shirt similar to Logan’s, but it was black instead of white, and the agender colors were neatly contained within the shape of a spade. Upon seeing the shirt, Logan had asked for D’s pronouns, for clarification, to which he had responded, “He/him or they/them are both fine, really. I don’t care much about what I’m called as long as people don’t assume I’m a man or a woman.” 

Logan had never met another agender person before, not face-to-face, anyway, so something about being seated beside a fellow person of their... kind... was oddly validating and gave them a warm feeling in their chest, even with the differences in their pronouns. 

Logan also noticed (they were one to notice quite a bit) a wristband with the aromantic colors on D’s wrist. Logan didn’t know much about the LGBTQ+ community, just that they were part of it, so they didn’t really understand at first why these people would attempt to set them up romantically with an aromantic person. They’d have to ask about it later, do research, find out more about that side of the community in order to avoid making any assumptions.

They found themself lost in their own thoughts, until they felt a pressure on the outside of their leg that snapped them back to attention. They looked down to see D’s knee touching their own; understandably, the booth was quite cramped, but the knowing (yet somehow innocent) smile D gave them suggested that the contact was not caused simply by a lack of space.

Logan felt their cheeks grow warm and averted their gaze, hoping no one else noticed the red hue tinting their face.

What did you get me into this time, Remy?

[astoldbyacertifiedunicorn]

Japril Appreciation Week: Day 4 ⇒ Favorite episode(s)

9x07 : I was made for lovin’ you

Note: Admittedly, this isn’t my favorite episode, that would be 10x12/10x13, 11x11, JTM and JTS, but those episodes already have so many fics  written about them, and I didn’t want to write the same thing. I do, however, even with the sad ending, love this episode because that ‘proposal’ was one of the most wonderful japril moments. Anyway, please enjoy :) 

Positive. 

April hopes that maybe staring harder at the paper, to the point where her vision becomes blurry, will mean that when she refocuses her eyes back on the black letters, they would have magically transformed into a different word. 

Positive. 

Oh well. It wasn't that she wasn't happy. She was. April was, after all, the type of girl who grew up longing for the husband, children, white picket fence house daydream. The catch was that she'd imagined this with her Christian boyfriend, whom she had dated for a respectable number of years, before they'd have their wedding in field with butterflies, after which she'd engage in the wonders of the sexual experience she was abstaining from. 

Positive. 

Life, however, had different plans, it seems. She was now sitting on a cold wooden bench, outside her disaster  magnet of a work place,  holding a piece of paper that confirmed that she was in fact pregnant by her not-Christian, male friend whom she engages in daily sexual activities with, way, way before marriage. At least, the field and butterflies were still on the table. Life had great priorities. 

Positive. 

She wasn't sad it was his baby. No, that part actually made her want to throw her hands in the air, and thank God, although mildly inappropriate at the moment, that she got a chance to procreate with the most wonderful man she knew. He was not only a beautiful specimen of creation, but also a kind hearted, intelligent, incredible human, who happened to be her best friend and occasional.... 'other kind of buddy' as Mark Sloan, rest his soul, would've termed it. 

Positive.

It's the timing that was all messed up. They were just having fun, messing about, rolling around in the metaphorical hay, although there were talks of feelings and marriages, although she wasn't too sure if the marriage came about from those feelings or not. Regardless, there were two best friends with benefits and a baby, and this whole thing was so much more messed up than it appeared to be. 

Positive. 

"What does it say?" 

She turns her body to face him, the contributor to half of the cause of panic, Jackson. He smiles at her, and if she wasn't his best friend, she probably would say he looked very calm for someone who was about to find out they were going to be a father. But she knew him, and she knew that under the cool exterior was a scared, uncertain man who was quite ready to scream into a brown paper bag. 

"Positive." 

"Oh." 

Ah, the happy cries of expecting parents. She watches him glance at his hands, nervously wringing them together. She feels for the guy. This definitely wasn't in his plans, no matter how ready he thinks he is for this. She wasn't even sure if marriage was in Jackson's plans to begin with. He never talked about it with her, and she never asked. He did seem deliriously happy when he'd talked about raising this kid together, but the reality of having a child is a lot more grounding than the possibility of it. 

"Look, Jackson. I know we talked about getting married and all of that, but-" 

"You don't want to?" 

She could be sourly mistaken here, and merely projecting her own desires on to him, but Jackson sounded, almost sad, at the thought that she didn't want to get married. Either way, it could just be about giving the baby a good, happy home. One less child with daddy issues. 

"I do! I do," Does she? She does. She's just scared about the baby and she's scared he's marrying her for the wrong reasons. She's just scared, period. But she does, "I just don't want you to think that we can't raise this baby without necessarily having to get married. Callie and-" 

She stops mid sentence. Okay, so maybe using Jackson's ex mentor and his bisexual, married best friend wasn't exactly the best example in this situation. 

"No, I want to get married, April. I wasn't kidding when I said I was all in. I want to do this right. For you and for the... baby." He gulps at the word and even she has to admit it sounds terrifying out loud. A baby. A human being. She proved incapable for taking care of her own adult self, and now she was partially responsible for the life of another human being, "I want him, or her, to have a family, and I think it'll be easier for you to tell your parents if you're married, and I mean, I...." 

He looks away from her all of a sudden, and she's a little confused why he stopped  mid-sentence. She groans internally. He was doing this for the baby and, sweetly enough, for her. But she didn't want him to marry her because it was his responsibility to. Was it so wrong to want to be married for love? 

"We can do this, April. Okay? I know it's scary, but.... we can do this." He smiles at her, and she nods at him, hoping his slight uproar of confidence rubs off on her. 

"Come on," He says, getting up and holding his arm out to her. She takes it, and he pulls her to her feet, "I am going to go book an OB appointment, and you are going to go get your stuff. We'll drop by your apartment to get some clothes, and go to my place. Okay? We can get some dinner-" 

"And talk?" 

He stares at her pointedly for a second, probably wondering if she'd blow a nerve before she makes it to the changing rooms. 

"Yes, we can talk." 

She nods again, and goes to walk off, when he stops her and pulls her into him. She settles against his chest, and holds him as tight as she possibly can, making sure not to cut his airway. It wouldn't do well to murder him from her anxiety. 

"We'll be fine, April. I know you don't believe that right now, but trust me, okay? We'll be fine." 

She mutters acquiescence into his jacket, and loosens her hold on him. They'll be fine. They were going to be fine. All three of them, will be fine. April wondered if she said the word 'fine' out loud enough times, she'll actually start to feel it. 

He leads her into the apartment and closes the door behind her. She's been here yesterday, but somehow the whole place feels more different, more permanent. This was her home now. They'll eventually sell her apartment, because compared to Jackson's God knows how much rent he pays for the view alone Condo, hers is like a rabbit hole. She didn't mind the switch too much though. His place was nice, impeccably designed, and the only thing it lacked were throw pillows. Well, throw pillows and art that wasn't a big brown shoe. She never understood that painting. Maybe it held a deeper meaning, who knows? 

She carelessly drops her jacket and overnight bag on the sofa, and although she's usually neurotic about stuff like that, today her mind was too preoccupied to care. 

"What do you want me to make for dinner?" Jackson asks, walking behind the island of the kitchen. 

"You're cooking?" She sounds suspicious, and with good reason. The last time Jackson had attempted to cook, she and Alex had ended up with food poisoning. 

"I've gotten better, I swear!" He laughs, possibly recalling the unfortunate incident. 

"Mm, let's just order pizza, you know, considering..." She lets her sentence drift off, and stares down at her stomach. She was trying to save their child at least 9 months from their daddy's cooking. 

"Good point." He admits, and quickly puts back the ingredients to a mac and cheese he was trying to use cream cheese to make. 

He begrudgingly lists her order of a mushroom pizza, which he always vetoes on ordering because 'the taste still lingers even if you take it off'. 

"So, can we talk now?" 

He nods, and walks up to her, placing a glass of water in front of her with a slice of lemon cut up, "You need to stay hydrated. I read during medical college that-" 

"Nope, you are not helicopter parenting me." She says, shaking her head, although she's begun to sip the water. 

"I don't think that's what that term means, but fine, I promise not to be overly protective, but I will be a little bit, all up in your space, because.... I don't know, you're..." He shrugs, and doesn't complete the sentence, and she's tired of him doing that. 

"Okay, so, first thing's first, we need to tell our parents." Her voice is shaky when she says this, because it's the last thing she wants to do. 

He scratches his neck, and furrows his brow, "Do we have to?" 

"Jackson, if your mother finds out about our... baby, when she comes to the hospital, she might have to stick around longer to reattach your pe-" 

"Okay! Telling my mother, as soon as possible." He says, holding his hands up, waving a white flag. 

"I'll tell mine as well... soon." She chews diligently on her bottom lip, and doesn't stop until Jackson pulls it away from her teeth because she could draw blood. 

"They're going to freak out about the whole baby out of wedlock thing, huh?" 

"Yeah," She admits, because her parents are very very conservative and very very Christian.

"How strong is the whole policy in the Bible about not killing someone?" He teases her, but she can tell he actually wants to make sure there's no way Jo Kepner would walk outside the house with his shotgun he keeps locked up in the shed to scare away wild boars, and walk determinedly towards Jackson.  

"Sixth commandment." 

"Oh thank God." 

She laughs at that, and he joins her, and although it's careful, and sounds slightly forced, it releases some of the obvious tension. 

"Are we going to live here?" 

"For now." 

She widens her eyes, but doesn't ask anything more in regards to that. For now meant plans to move, to a bigger house perhaps? Why would you need a bigger house unless you were planning on expanding your family? Maybe she should worry about the one baby she's having now, before theorizing about more. 

"Is there space?" 

"I'll just pull down the man cave thing I have going on, and put up a nursery." 

"No, Jackson, that's your space, I'll feel terrible." "April, please stop acting like you and our child is a burden to me. You're not. Neither of you are. I want to do this. I want to raise this baby, with you. So, please, just no more of making me sound like this guy who just happened to take you two on out of sympathy. I'm his dad." 

She smiles at him, and is mildly more comforted by his words. 

"Or hers." She says, grinning at him. 

"Or hers." He agrees. 

There's a beat, and she comes to realize that this baby is going to change their lives forever. 

"April?" 

"Hm?"

"Can we name the baby Jackson Jr?" 

She spits out her water, and stares at him. He's not serious. Is he? 

"No we can't." 

"Why not?" 

She runs a hand over her face and groans at his very serious name consideration. 

"Because... it's a bad name. Nobody wants to be junior. Junior is a lazy name."

He rolls his eyes, and crosses his arms in front of his body, "It’s a great name." 

She ignores him, "Plus, what do we name the baby if it's a girl?" 

"April Jr" 

"Jackson!" 

They laugh, and for the first time that night, it doesn't feel forced. 

  "Um, I have the guest room ready for you if you want to go get some sleep." 

She comes out of the bathroom, fresh from the bath he'd run her. April had always known Jackson was very caring, it had been in his nature even when they were just friends. It made her heart flutter, as disturbing of an image as that was, and left a pit in her stomach that kept reminding her something she didn't want to think about right now. She really really liked him. A lot. 

"Thank you." She smiles, and makes her towards the bedroom to get changed. She closes the door behind him, and is slightly confused why he doesn't seem to be making any efforts of moving.  

April lets her towel drop, and for a second catches her reflection on the closet mirror. Her body looks exactly the same as it did yesterday. She was probably only a month or 2 pregnant, so there were obviously no visible signs of a pregnancy. She runs her fingers carefully down the skin of her stomach, smiling at the possibility of a baby bump yet to come. She was scared still, nothing about the future was clear to April since her boards, and that was hard for someone who had spent planning every minute of their lives. She felt like she did when, during their residency, Jackson had  taken her to a theme park with the sole intent of getting rid of his fear of roller coasters, and decided that they best way to do it was to go on the tallest and fastest one. It was exciting to finally be sitting on a rollercoaster this thrilling, but you wished you would've taken it one step at a time, instead of plunge head first into the scariest ride of your life.  

She wonders if she should say anything to the baby. She's sat down countless times and talked to her sister's bellies addressing her nieces and nephews.

"I know it feels like mommy isn't acknowledging you, but I promise I am. I know you're there. I'm just really scared because I didn't plan to have you so soon, but I really am happy you're here. Me, and Jack- your daddy. Both of us." 

She smiles down at the little child she's carrying, already feeling an immense sense of love towards this little human. 

"Um, April." 

"Yes?" 

She quickly finds a silk nightgown she packed, and blushes deeply when she realizes that in her hurry, she had picked the one Jackson had gifted her not so long ago. She puts it on, and it falls just above below her thigh. 

"Do you... um, you know you don't have to sleep in here, right?" 

"Um, what?" 

She walks up to the door, and opens it, looking questioningly at Jackson who seems to not have moved an inch since she closed the door on him. 

He stares at her for a moment, letting his eyes roam over her. April blushes as if on cue, and tugs at the dress, hoping to make it a little longer. She knew, tetchily, what it meant whenever he looked at her like that. In any other circumstance, she'd probably be half way there by now, but tonight she wasn't in the mood. Okay, that was a lie. With him, she was always in the mood, but she didn't think she ought to be, considering how tiring the whole day was.   

"Jackson, you were saying?" 

"Hm? Oh yeah, sorry, I just-" He says, shaking his head and pointing towards her, before probably realizing he can't exactly tell her he was distracted by her. Not that she would've mind, "Um, I don't think you'd want to be alone tonight. I mean, heck, I don't want to be alone tonight. So, if you want to... you can just... sleep in my room?" 

She wants to almost laugh at how unsure he sounds at her accepting the request. Before today, she'd be in his bed without him even having to ask, but now it felt different, even though she more or so had more of a right to share a bed with him than ever before. They were after all, in a way, engaged. And they would be married soon enough. This whole process of doing everything backwards was exhausting, April thought. It was confusing and she wished they could talk about the two of them in addition to talking about the baby. There were still so many doubts, and she was close to going mad any minute if they didn't get resolved. 

But he looked tired and so was she, so maybe she'd have to leave it for tomorrow. 

"Okay." 

She smiles and he instantly lightens up, a lopsided grin she loves appearing on his face. She walks to his bedroom, and settles under the covers, and watches him do the same. 

They lay there awkwardly for some time wondering how intimate they ought to be before Jackson comes up to her, and pulls her against his chest, dropping a kiss to her forehead. She snuggles into him, and for a second all the doubts etch away from her mind, because nothing about this feels wrong. It all feels so perfectly right. 

"Goodnight, April." 

"Goodnight, Jackson."  

 Jackson Avery couldn't find any sleep, no matter how hard he tried. He kept tossing and turning around, trying his hardest not to disturb April, who'd causally wandered to the other side of the bed. He wanted more than anything to turn around and hug her to him, but she needed her rest, and his restlessness would just keep her up as well. 

He just couldn't believe it! A baby! They were having a baby! He was going to someone's father! The thought was slightly nauseating, and he started to feel the room begin to spin. There was a human being inside April's body, that would in 9 months, rely on him to take care of them, for the rest of their lives. It was the most frightening thing he'd ever experienced, and he had operated on a friend while a gun was pointed at him. 

He turns his head to the right and sees April blissfully sleeping, although he could tell she was anything but blissful. She was stressed, and nervous, and scared and he knew that a complete breakdown was due any second now. He was just trying to delay it as much as possible by appearing as calm as he possibly could. How does she manage to look so beautiful even when she's doing something so stupidly mundane as sleeping. He'd recently taken to watching her. Not creepily or anything, but just whenever she was in the room or in his vicinity, his eyes would always follow her, and he'd feel this constant loud thumping in his heart, whenever she caught him watching. He'd never felt such an adrenaline rush before in his life, it was maddening. 

She grunted slowly, turning her body to face him. He smiled at her, softly placing a stray curl, that was clearly annoying her in her sleep, since she twitched her nose at the feel of it, behind her ear.

He never thought he'd be a father. He was out of his mind scared about this. He'd never grown up with a good example of a dad, and so he'd always assumed that maybe kids weren't for him. Looks like life had other plans. He was going to mess up. There was no way he'd be able to dive into this head first and hope for the best. There was no way he'd be good at this. He sighs, tossing on his side once more. He wasn't ever sure he'd be married. His ex girlfriends hadn't come anywhere to the point where he'd even had to think about getting married. He'd probably make a shitty husband, who knew. If one were to go with the performances of Avery men in marriages, they didn't have the best track record. Divorce, cheating, alcoholism or legacy. It was a mess. 

He woke up that day, intending to kick ass at some surgeries and take his... best friend home and make love to her. He definitely couldn't have predicted that he'd go home with his... fiancé? best friend who was carrying his child. The thing that baffled him the most, however, wasn't having to marry April, or having a baby that scared him, necessarily. Those two things, surprisingly, made him slightly giddy. It was the fear of failing the now two most important people in his life that was eating at him. 

He sighed, knowing that the endless questions weren't going to solve anything. He looked at the clock reading 1 am, and closed his eyes. They had a long day ahead of them tomorrow, and the least he could so was try to get some sleep. 

He’d notice her missing, when he’d woken up at around 3.30 am, and instinctively reached out for her, just to feel a blank space next to him. He’d taken a second to calmly walk around the house, yelling her name, progressively more panicky with each room that was empty. April had left the house. It was a little difficult for him to remain calm at this point, so he chose to the exact opposite; lose his shit. Then, however, having realized that there might be a perfectly good explanation for this, set about looking for her. He tried calling her, but the loud blaring of the ever inspirational Doubt by Mary J Blige indicated that she’d left it at home. She could have been paged, but a quick call to the hospital dispelled this theory. The other two options were that she’d woken up, and for whatever reason, gone to her apartment or, and he really hoped she hadn’t done this, gone to visit Charles’s and Reed’s graves. Well, if that was the case, he’d use the ‘I walked through a graveyard at 3.30 in the morning for you’ card for years.

He runs down, and gets into his car, trying his best not to speed. He stops at a traffic light, one road down from his apartment complex, when a figure exiting a 24 hour department store catches his attention. If he hadn’t known April for as long as he had, he might have driven by, and found her at neither spot he had in mind, called the cops and made tomorrow’s headlines. Thankfully, he could spot his best friend from a mile away.

He quickly parks in the entirely abandoned car park, and walks determinedly towards April, getting angrier and angrier with each step.

“April!”

She stills, and turns around, looking downright shocked to see him.

“What are you doing here?” She asks, when he reaches her

“What am I doing here? What the hell are you doing here? April, it’s 3.30 in the morning! I woke up and found you gone, and panicked!” He yells at her, and she looks like a deer caught in headlight.

“I-I just wanted some ice cream.”

“At 3.30 in the morning?! April, you can’t just walk down the street at this time. It’s dangerous. You’re a pregnant woman, what the hell were you thinking?!” He is outraged, and frankly frightened.

“I just wanted to make a milkshake.” She shrugs. The nerve!

“Then you wake me up! If you’re having cravings, you wake me up so I can buy you a milkshake. You don’t walk outside in the streets at this time, wearing a nightgown, and a jacket!” She hasn’t even changed. It was a surprise he found her completely unharmed.

“Why are you yelling?! I just wanted a milkshake, and you’re here just yelling at me.”

Cue the crying.

He sighs, knowing her ultra-sensitive pregnancy hormones, wasn’t holding her too well during this conversation.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry. Here, come here.” He holds his hands out to her, and she wraps herself around him, crying into his chest. “I was just worried, okay? You can’t do this, it’s dangerous, April. I don’t want either of you getting hurt. It’s scary.”

“How are you so okay with this?” She mumbles into his chest.

“What, the baby?” Obviously, not her late night excursions, since he’d made his stance on that really clear.

“Yes. How are you not scared? I love this baby, and y- um, I am happy, I really am, but I feel like we’re in over our heads, Jackson! We don’t even know what we are, and now we’re getting married and bringing a baby into this. It’s just-”

Cue the crying, once again.

He had been expecting this meltdown, so he’d been prepared. He just hadn’t expected it to happen in the middle of an empty parking lot, at this time of the morning.

“I am scared, April. Believe me, I am. I don’t know the first thing about being a dad… or a husband. I am so scared that I’m going to let you two down.” He admits.

“No, you won’t. I know you won’t. You’re going to be great.” She says, determinedly.

“Look, I know this is too much, too soon. I get that. But we’re going to be okay. We just have to… fake it ‘till we make it! Act like we got this, until we actually do.”

She studies him for a second, and nods.

“I wouldn’t want to do with anyone else, April.”

He’d definitely take care of the child if they decided to keep the baby, and help to co-parent, but he’d only marry a woman he knew he could love.

“Yeah?” Her eyes lit up, almost as if he’d said the exact thing she’d been wanting to hear all along.

“Remember those feelings I told you about?”

She nods, “I have them too.”

He grins, wide, “Good.”

“I am so glad it was you.”

She stands on her tip toes, and kisses him, holding his face between her hands. When she pulls away, he leans back in, and pecks her lips once more.

“Come on. Let’s get you two home, and I’ll make you a milkshake.” He puts his hand on her stomach, although there’s no bump still visible, but there’s something very grounding about the fact that his baby was in there. The baby, he and April made together.

“Hm, maybe I’ll make the milkshake and you can help me drink it.”

“Hey!”

She giggles, and takes his hand in hers as they walk towards the car. If this was what he had to expect when they were expecting, he was looking forward to it.  

THANK YOU FOR READING!

[amzbailey]

very important personal post (for Pride Month)

I’ve been working on this for several days and I think I’ve finally said enough about it, so let’s just get right into it!

In honor of pride month, and because this is my Tumblr and probably the one social media outlet that I feel is my personal safe space, I feel that now’s as good a time as any to officially put this out there.

I identify as bisexual. I am attracted to both men and women. I won’t go as far as to say pansexual at this point (mostly because I haven’t really had a proper education on what the main differences are between the two terms, and the definition of bisexual really seems to cover all my bases). But over the past two years, I’ve become more comfortable with embracing my bisexuality as part of my personal identity.

Although this is the first time I’ve “come out” and said it in a not-so-private setting, I’ve been more open about it recently to close friends, and I even went as far as to briefly mention it to my mom. But there are a number of reasons why I’m not “out” to most people. The first and most obvious reason is that I think it might devastate my dad and upset other conservative/Christian family members and friends, and I really am not ready to deal with that type of reaction. However, the second and probably more paralyzing reason for not coming out publicly is my fear that this will be the response: “Wow Amy, that sounds like you’re just trying to include yourself in this ostracized group for no reason—obviously you’re not actually bi because you’ve never even been with a girl and wouldn’t know what it’s like. And even if you were, it wouldn’t matter because you’re married to a straight guy, so why even mention it?”. Which, to be honest, sounds about right in a number of ways. It doesn’t really make that much of a difference in my life because I am happily married to a man. In fact, it is also true that I’ve never dated or been in a relationship with a woman, so how the hell did I come to this conclusion, and why does it even matter?

Well, honestly, I’ve been aware of my attraction to both men and women since I was a young teenager. In fact, I know exactly who my first celebrity gay crush was—Hilary Duff. I would literally stare at her pictures in the liner notes from The Lizzie McGuire Movie album and Metamorphosis album for hours and didn’t know why. It was pretty damn gay, honestly.

However, in case you weren’t aware, I was raised in a very conservative Christian home in a deeply Protestant, traditional suburb community with mostly homophobic friends and family members. Anything I may have felt that would accurately be defined as “attraction” to girls was always reduced to something--anything--else. I just “really liked her as a person” or “envied her beauty”, or “admired her from afar”.

It wasn’t until I was about 15 or 16 when my group of friends learned the hilarious no-homo term “hetero-man crush” from our favorite YouTube channel Barats and Bereta (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XiXhQUym0fA in case you’re curious), and started “joking” about our own hetero-woman crushes (needless to say I had a lot on my list) that I really started to even consider the idea that I could possibly be attracted to women. Because there was no question that I was attracted to men. I don’t even know how many guys I had “dated” or had some time of romantic/physical relationship by the time I started dating Jackson (probably 9 or 10), but everyone who knew me at 16 knew that I really liked boys. Although, in retrospect, I’m not even sure that was it--I think I really just liked making out--but we’ll never know now, and there’s no real point in thinking about it.

Anyway, moving on...

In order to really convey how I came to this very personal conclusion about my sexuality despite my hetero-normative monogamy, I have to take you back a few years for a little more context… And maybe even dig into some other personal aspects of my life like my spirituality and religion! Whee!!

I think it’s important to briefly note that the first time in my life that I ever even interacted with a gay person was in middle school. I had dated this boy named Justin for a few months in 6th grade (we went to the Valentine’s Day dance together), then we broke up, then we got back together in 7th grade (maybe? honestly, I don’t remember), but eventually broke up for good. I do remember in 8th grade, after my parents had already pulled me out of public school to homeschool me (another story for another day), my friend Sarah told me that Justin was now gay. My initial reaction was complete devastation and outrage because the way Sarah had phrased it basically implied that dating me had been so terrible that Justin didn’t want to date girls anymore. I had “turned him gay”. Not only was this a blow to my already fragile middle school self-esteem (because in my naive 13-year-old mind, I must have been so manly looking and ugly that he lost all attraction to women altogether), but also in an equally naive and warped way, it was my chance to save someone’s soul, and it would be a sin for me not to do/say something. Again, please keep in mind that this was my first encounter with homosexuality, and my parents had always taught me in was a disgusting sin, so my response to this news was to send Justin an email (yes, this was pre-Myspace and even pre-Xanga days, my friends) telling him that I would be praying for him to repent and change his ways so he wouldn’t go to hell for being gay.

Yikes. Trust me, I shudder every time I tell this story because of its absurd cringe-worthiness. But it’s also kind of funny, especially considering who I am today and who my friends are. Even so, despite later attempts at communication with Justin many years later to apologize for my 13-year-old hysteria, we never spoke or saw each other again.

Anyway… I include that story to demonstrate just how extensive my ignorance was and how sheltered I had been. I didn’t even associate with or really know anyone who was knowingly gay until college. That’s how isolated I was from the LGBT+ community, and that’s why I never even considered the possibility that I could possibly not be straight. It just wasn’t a thing.

I was 16 years old when I met the man that I would marry. I was 17 years old when we started dating.

Jackson and I officially met in the summer of 2007 and started crushing pretty hard on each other. The first time we bonded was a church youth trip to Six Flags, where my “friends” at the time had essentially deserted me, so I made a rather brave move as an introvert to hang out with some new social group—three boys named David, Jackson, and Zach that I didn’t know very well—in hopes to flirt with at least one of them and maybe even get a boyfriend out of the deal. By the end of the day, somehow Jackson and I ended up riding rollercoasters alone, talking about nerdy-ass roleplay forums, video games, and cartoons. I thought he was adorable, charming and funny, and he thought “wow this hot girl thinks I’m funny”. I thought we were a perfect match, but unfortunately, it wasn’t 100% reciprocated because he was apparently interested in someone else. To this day we’re a little foggy on the time line, but he officially started dating someone else (Kim) a few days/weeks later, so when I found out, I begrudgingly backed off. We remained (awkward) friends throughout the summer, I dated a few guys throughout fall and winter, and almost a year later, we finally “became a couple” in May 2008.

From the moment we “made it official” via text, Jackson and I stayed together. We weren’t on and off, and we never took a break. We continued our relationship through the end of high school and through college. We went on vacations with each other’s families, we lived in the same dorm buildings for 2 years, and ultimately stayed together through it all. He proposed to me in December 2013 and we were married in November 2014. We are—quite miraculously—still together and still very happy.

I say “quite miraculously” because statistically and by all other odds, we shouldn’t still be together. For starters, we’re by definition “high school sweethearts”, which already is doomed by statistics. It’s very rare for couples to last through high school and college. But what’s even more astonishing is that our relationship was completely embedded and grounded in Christianity. We met at church. His parents were in my dad’s Sunday school class. Most of our “first dates” were at youth group functions and on church trips. On May 11, 2008, Jackson said he really wanted to be more than friends, but he was worried that it wasn’t God’s will, so we promised each other that we’d pray for God to reveal whether or not we should take the next step. And we both agreed 2 nights later that “well, He didn’t say no!” and therefore, it must have been God-approved!

Throughout high school and college, our faith held strong. We remained deeply involved in church. We attended and hosted Bible studies, we led small groups, we volunteered to teach high schoolers in our youth group and stayed with them for 4 years... We almost gave up everything in 2013 to start a church with our religious mentor at the time. Through it all, Jackson and I were united in our faith and religiosity. It was all we ever knew and all we ever wanted.

After we got married in 2014... Things started to shift. Almost the first thing to go was church. It wasn’t because of our marriage that we stopped attending church regularly—it was mainly because of our newfound freedom. We no longer had to go. Our small group kids had graduated. Our Sunday school class fell apart. Worship was dull and generic. The sermons were irrelevant and repetitive. Also, there was a lot of shit going down at our home church. Corruption. Hypocrisy. Church politics that were far beyond what we were accustomed to seeing. There were lots of reasons why we stopped going, but at the end of the day, it’s because we didn’t have to anymore, so we realized we no longer wanted to and simply chose to stop going. But that didn’t mean we weren’t still Christians. Church attendance does not equal faithfulness... right?

Simultaneously, there were a number of deeper things going on, both on the surface and beneath. During one of my last semesters in college (spring 2013), I took two classes that challenged my faith more than I ever could have imagined: Psychology and Religion, and Jesus In and Outside the Gospels. If I’m honest, those put the initial seeds of religious doubt in my mind long before we stopped going to church. These professors never went out of their way to give reasons for students to denounce their faiths... But the knowledge I gained and the data I was presented with definitely left their mark. Psychology and Religion focused on the psychological and emotional effects that religion has on individuals. Jesus In and Outside the Gospel introduced me to the confusing process of Christian canonization and the even more confounding non-canonical gospels and records of Jesus.

At the same time these major doubts were marinating in my mind (for example, “was my religious conversion nothing more than a result of the manipulated environment that pastors are specifically instructed to create in order to gain converts due to its psychological effectiveness?”), my best friend came out as gay. Now, I had already vocalized my criticism about the supposed Christian approach to homosexuality, and had personally concluded that Christians were absolutely wrong to condemn and exclude that entire community. However, having a gay best friend and dealing with that theological dilemma was a completely new area for me. I had a few gay friends and acquaintances at this point (for example, during my sophomore year of college, I decided that my pansexual roommate would be a perfect person to witness to and hopefully baptize one day!), but this was different. It struck far closer to home.

It was about this time that I made the decision to never again attend a church that preached that homosexuality was a sin—which basically said that I was done with church. It became a major riff between me and my family—a frequent topic of discussion and debate that still remains today. Despite how open-minded my mother has become in recent years, we just discussed the other day that she still believes that homosexuality at its core is a sin and should never be “celebrated”. It honestly makes me sick to my stomach, but… anyway, that’s a topic for another day.

It was around this time of confusion and questioning that Jackson and I moved an hour away from our hometown so he could be closer to his job. This physical distance now combined with the spiritual and emotional distance from our Christian upbringing really started to take its toll. My parents worried about my faith and constantly begged me to find a church to attend. But Jackson and I had no interest in going back for a number of reasons. For one thing, we both had full time jobs now and we cherished our weekends too much to sacrifice a chance to sleep in. But for the most part, I was finding more and more reasons to question Christianity as a whole, and I felt more and more distant from it. It’s important to note that while I was voicing my faith doubts, Jackson was beginning to do the same. He claims that if I hadn’t started questioning, he may not have either. The two of us slowly started letting go of our old Christian selves to take on new ideas and belief systems.

With this newfound open-endedness, I decided to start expanding my horizons. I not only opened my mind to the possibility that Christianity was not entirely true, but I also began to consider the authenticity of other “alternative” lifestyles—more specifically, LGBT+. I rekindled a friendship with a former acquaintance I met through Tumblr years before who now identified as transgender. I listened to her story and opened myself to her insight. Other friends of mine also came out as LGBT. I witnessed their struggles too, as many of them also grew up in similar communities where their new identities would most likely not be accepted. It was very challenging, but also… encouraging. It was helpful to know I wasn’t alone in questioning everything I had ever known, and it was amazing to see how they coped and dealt with it.

Even so, somewhere in the midst of all of this, I began having a major identity crisis, and I fell into a deep depression full of anxiety and fear. Up to this point, my entire life—my identity, my thoughts, my hopes and aspirations, my relationships, everything—was completely embedded and intertwined in my faith. Everything I did, I did as a result of or in some connection with my faith. Every friend I had, I believed that there was a divine reason for their presence in my life. Everything that happened to me was God-ordained, and while I did have some control over my future, it was ultimately a part of God’s plan, and I just needed to follow His Will for my life. Everything I did, I did it for God, or at least I tried to.

This way of life became very unclear and ambiguous, however, when I started questioning the authenticity of the Bible. This also became very difficult when my prayers were no longer being answered. Everything became complicated, and I started to fear and question everything.

I would love to expand on this part of my life (because I have SO MUCH TO SAY about Christianity as an institution and its brutal and toxic effects on my emotional and mental state), but that’s a story for another day. The main point for this story is that I was questioning and doubting literally every single aspect of my life with one major exception: Jackson. He was my rock. He was my life preserver in my ocean of terror, the only thing keeping me from drowning. Don’t misunderstand—my friends were a huge support and I don’t know where I would be now if they hadn’t been there as well. But Jackson was my constant, probably because he was always physically there as well as emotionally. We were miles away from home, miles away from our friends and our support system, but we had each other. He watched my world turn upside down and witnessed my sanity slip away. He stood by me through it all and helped me come out the other side. All the while, he was dealing with his own doubts and spiritual questioning, too. He couldn’t give me the answers I needed because he didn’t have them either. But he was there, and he loved me. Everything else was in shambles, but I knew where he stood, and I knew where I stood. I didn’t know if God loved me or if my parents loved me, but I knew Jackson did. I didn’t know if I loved God anymore, but I knew that I loved Jackson.

This went on for several months and I finally sought professional help from a counselor. It took some time, but after seeing her for a few weeks, I finally started letting go of some of the existential anxieties and accepted the fact that it was okay to not be a Christian anymore. It was okay to question things, it was okay to change my mind. It was okay to not know what I believed. It was okay to not be sure about anything. It was okay to be myself, no matter what. With this new sense of freedom, I really started to explore more about myself. And that’s finally when I allowed myself to bring my sexuality into question.

Again, I had always known I wasn’t completely straight. I had several crushes on many girls, celebrity and friend alike. But I kept coming back to the fact that I was in love with Jackson, wholeheartedly. Even if I was attracted to girls, it wouldn’t matter, right? I had never even had a romantic encounter with a woman, and I never would because I had no desire in leaving Jackson. So why even bother thinking about it?

Early in the process of questioning, I told Jackson that I might be bisexual, hoping that he wouldn’t react negatively. He wasn’t surprised at all and was actually incredibly supportive. “You’re still Amy and you’re still my wife—why would that change anything?” In fact, the only thing it changed was the frequency that we would point out cute girls to each other in public, or discuss the hotness of Scarlett Johansson, Jennifer Lawrence, or Anna Kendrick. In a strange way, you could almost say my “gayness” brought my husband and I even closer.

While that was overwhelmingly comforting, I still had a lot of anxiety about the validity of my bisexuality. If I claimed this new identity, would I have regrets? Could I live with the fact that I had never been with a woman? What if being with a woman was better? I would never know, but I would always wonder. What good could come from just wondering? What if I was overwhelmed by temptation? Would I leave Jackson? In retrospect, some of my anxiety was valid, but most of it was silly stuff that happens to everyone in long-term relationships. I could make the same arguments for other men, too. What if I was overwhelmed by temptation for another man and left Jackson? That wouldn’t be because of my “straightness”—it would be a very natural curiosity followed by a selfish action. So why would it be any different if it were a woman? If I truly loved Jackson and we both wanted to stay together, we just had to make the effort to overcome whatever came our way.

In late 2015/early 2016, right in the middle of my deep spiritual depression and sexual identity crisis, I was at Alex’s house with a handful of friends without Jackson (I think he was having a guy’s night with some of his friends). To help ease my anxiety and force myself to have a good time, I got super drunk really fast. I had already shared my half-revelation of my sexuality with this group of friends, and in a very uncharacteristically bold moment, I started making out with my friend Sara who also identified as bisexual. At the time, it was awesome and very hot! But the next morning and for days afterwards, guilt overwhelmed me. It’s important to note, though, that I didn’t feel guilty because I made out with a girl (because it felt surprisingly natural and normal), but because I, a married person, drunkenly kissed someone that was not my spouse. And I was afraid to tell Jackson, despite the fact that I had been very intoxicated at the time, and I knew he’d forgive me. Even if I hadn’t been drunk off my ass, I knew he would still love me for it, and yet the thought that he might leave terrified me.

When I eventually told him (probably 3 days later because I’m not good at keeping secrets from him), he was more upset that he wasn’t there with me than anything else. But he also admitted feeling jealous, just as he would if I had shared a kiss with a guy. We had always half-jokingly discussed before that we’d be down for a threesome with another girl, but honestly, I don’t think I could emotionally handle sharing Jackson with anyone. And, as we found out with the Sara incident, he’s not sure he could handle sharing me either.

Anyway... I kind of went off on a tangent there... I probably need to just wrap up, as this is getting waaaay too long.

To conclude this very disjointed, convoluted story… I’m bisexual. It may not matter to anyone else, and it may not change anything in the grand scheme of things. In fact, I am well aware that many in the LGBT+ community would be hesitant to include me because I’m monogamously with a man and therefore have never and will never experience the kind of discrimination and bigotry they deal with on a daily basis. And while that would be deeply upsetting to me (because my love for the LGBT+ community is deeply rooted in me, not just because I consider myself a part of it, but because so many people I love are LGBT and I will fight tooth and nail for every cause every time), I wouldn’t blame them. The last thing I want is an ostracized group who already struggles with being taken seriously to think of me as some straight interloper trying to claim gay identity like a white girl wearing a tear dress and claiming her 1/16 Cherokee blood as justification.

But it matters to me. My sexuality is a part of me and has always been a part of me. I understand myself better now by acknowledging and accepting my bisexuality. Even if I never had a chance to explore it and may never have an opportunity to experience what a sexual relationship with a woman would be, I’m still perfectly content because I already found my perfect partner and he makes me happy.

Growing up, I always clung to the idea of finding my “soulmate”. And while I’m not as sure now about whether a soulmate exists for every person, I know without a doubt that I found mine. As I said before, it’s pretty miraculous that Jackson and I are still together considering how drastically we’ve both changed since high school. When we started dating, I was a 17-year-old conservative, relatively homophobic Christian who never in a million years would consider herself non-heterosexual. When we started dating, Jackson was a 16-year-old libertarian/conservative Christian who was slightly less homophobic, but pretty sure he was pretty straight. We were kids who had been raised in an environment with a very narrow perspective of the world, but as we grew up together and experienced what the real world was like, we matured. We opened our minds, we challenged our beliefs, and we became adults. Together.

Through it all, despite all my spiritual doubts and questions, I do still believe one thing is still true: I do think God put us together. Whether he kept us together doesn’t really matter, because we kept us together. It hasn’t always been easy, but our bond has never faltered. In fact, I told him the other day that even if my upbringing had been different and I would have explored my sexuality at an earlier age, and even if I had dated girls and guys, I still very well could have ended up with him. We’ll never know of course, but Jackson, despite his ever-skeptical personality, said he agreed. He calls what we have a “cosmic bond” as opposed to being “soulmates”. I think I like that better, too.

Anyway.

So, Happy Pride to all my LGBT+ friends and family! I consider myself an “honorary” member, and it means more to me than you’ll ever know!

[invisiblearo-blog]

my story

So, it took me quite some time to figure out. But for as long as I can remember I’ve never really understood love, and have always had a huge struggle with my identity in terms of my sexuality and love in general.

I am today 37 years old, and when I was 28 I went to a psychiatrist to talk about the fact that I had never been in love. It worried me. Their response? “Oh, how sad for you!” ..well.. thanks? Then the same guy suggested I needed a female psychiatrist cause otherwise I might fall in love with him. Not a single thought about the fact that not everyone is straight, or, for that matter, that me not being able to fall in love is a valid state that is not meant to be fixed or even can be. The amount of ignorance in this matter was frightening.

Not a single thought about the fact that not everyone is straight, or, for that matter, that me not being able to fall in love is a valid state that is not meant to be fixed or even can be.

My whole experience with this session was quite bad. So I finally left the whole situation and decided to just continue deal with the whole thing myself, and maybe with a little help from my friends.

Rewind the time even more, back ’til I was about 7,8 or 9. Not sure exactly what age, but something like that. I remember wondering about love - asking mom why I would only be able to fall in love with boys. She said something vague about attraction and biology and that I would understand when I was older. I didn’t get it, I never got it. Like, why would the form of the genitals make any difference when it came to feelings? (And yes, I know gender is not defined by genitals, but that was my concept of gender as a child). To me the connection between attraction and love was never clear or given, as it seem to be for most people.

Anyway, at the age of about 12 we stated sex education in school, and living in Sweden this is probably quite a lot more progressive than it has been for a lot people around the globe. I remember my teacher talking about sexualities; you could be heterosexual, homosexual or bisexual. And my teacher said that they believed that about 10 % of the population was either bi or homo. I remember looking around the classroom wondering which ones in this class that belong to that group. It would be about 3 people, and I thought to myself that I really liked the idea of bisexuality, but then I though that if I was that I would know for sure. So I figured I wasn’t after all.

As I grew up, in a small town in Sweden during the 90’s there was literally no-one in my school or my surroundings that was openly gay, or even suspected to be gay, or bi. It wasn’t even something that people accused others for being. It was that invisible. The only gay people I knew of was Jonas Gardell, and Rikard Wolff and they were middle age men on TV. Not that relatable. It wasn't until a few years into university that I noticed a few gay and bi people around me. Still, they were very few and quite discrete.

I have a few memories though from my mid-teens, that kinda stuck to me. First is when I visited a friend in Stockholm for the first time and we went about town, and I saw one of those rainbow flags (I had seen them before, but didn’t know what they meant). I asked her what it was and she said it was a flag for gays and lesbians. It was hung outside of an café that was also selling hot chocolate (massive chocolate junkie here). I really, really wanted to go there, I was so curios. But I didn’t dare to tell her I wanted to go there, even though I could have just said I wanted to try their hot chocolate. But I also somehow thought that I didn’t belong there, or that they would stare and point at me cause I wasn’t qualified. To me being gay seemed exciting, but also somehow like a closed community where only the chosen few were allowed, and I was way to uncool for that.

To me being gay seemed exciting, but also somehow like a closed community where only the chosen few were allowed, and I was way to uncool for that.

Another memory is a few years later, me being out with a few friend, and there were a few girls kissing very innocently on the mouth - very much for getting attention from boys in this case. I knew that I wanted to try that but I didn’t dare to cause maybe someone would see that I liked it.. I also remember when the show “Queer as folk" aired on TV around 97 - 98 - I was so curious! But again, I never dared to tell anyone I wanted to watch it. So I only saw the few minutes when it accidentally was on in the living room - until someone came and changed the channel. I was always acting like I wasn't even aware of it being on at that time."

An other time, at my dads place, I was home alone swapping around on the TV looking for something interesting. All of a sudden I got hooked on this movie (halfway in or something) - it was about a friendship between two girls, that quickly evolved into something more - I was so intrigued! I felt a little guilty for watching it, but it was a really nice and quite innocent movie. Later I found it it was called “The Incredibly True Adventure of Two Girls in Love" and is considered a cult classic among queer women.

So, as you probably can tell by this time in the text, this is a very queer girl talking. Having been attracted to girls and curious about the whole queer community since my early teens. However it took me a few years before I dared to label myself as anything but straight.

Now, let’s talk about boys for a while before we continue. During my mid-teens boys suddenly stated to give me attention, and suddenly I was hanging a lot more with the boys than the girls. Some would pinch me, some would toss paper on me, but mostly we were just joking around - and it was all in good spirit. I had different “crushes” every day more or less, and so it continued through out high school (gymnasiet) and a good part into university. I really enjoyed their attention, I felt alive and I was noticed. At parties I kissed and made out with them but then I just wanted to go home. To bed. Alone. I was never really interested in getting closer than that. Kissing them was just for fun and I never really understood that some of them might actually have liked me for real. That they could have feeling. I was called cold and ice queen and so on. At this point I remember thinking more and more that I wanted to be gay, or at least bi... but since I never had been in love with a girl I guess I wasn’t. Right? Yet, still somehow I wanted a boyfriend. It was like I had to check that of my growing-up list. I wanted to be normal.

I was 22 when I “finally” had my first serious relationship. It was with a guy and he was 28. SO OLD. At least that’s how I felt back then. I didn’t really find him attractive, but he was a good guy, easy to be with and someone who brought me with him and I thought to myself that this was a good “school” for life and learning how to be a girlfriend. I wanted so bad to be the best girlfriend ever - I was extremely eager to please. But then came the tears and I was crying and crying and crying. Every. Single. Day. He dealt with it impressively good though. And he did so, because he loved me - at least that's what he told me. But I could never reply - cause, I simply didn't loved him back. My initial plan was to date him for about 3 months, then I would break up. I thought I had things under control, but we were together for 2,5 years! It was extremely emotionally draining for me. Still, breaking up was hard cause I had become too dependent on him somehow. I had a quite low self esteem at that time and thought I would be too lonely without him, even though I was always unhappy with him. When we finally broke up I cried for 3 days straight, then my life got drastically better fast! I was happy again, I was free! I could laugh and live.

I started to realise that I had actually never been in love with a guy either. My "crushes" was only me loving the attention they were giving me. I was never really interested in them.

About this time I’m 25, and decide that boys are maybe not my thing after all. And I started to realise that I had actually never been in love with a guy either. My crushes was only me loving the attention they were giving me. I was never really interested in them. So, I decided my next relationship should be with a woman. The problem was: I had never really had any crush on a woman. Desire to kiss? Yes! Desire for intimacy? Yes. Any tingling feelings or fluttering emotions? No… But maybe I just hadn't met the right kind of girl? I had to try harder.

So I tried, and I failed. And got myself another boyfriend instead that I didn’t want.. That also lasted for 2 years... again! After that I decided to meet a girl… again. But girls never seemed to see me like boys did, and what ever I did I only meet men and men and men. I seemed to attract men like flies, and maybe it had to do with me being so relaxed around them? I could just be myself. But I never really wanted more than their friendship or having fun. It was more like I felt I was one of the boys. At this point I strongly start to question my ability to love. I’m 28 and start to seek help…

Yeah. As I’ve already told you, that didn’t really work out. I have since then continued to struggle with my identity, love and relationships. I have dated both men and women, had yet another 2 year long relationship with a guy I didn’t love. He was great in so many ways… but… love? Not that kind… After we broke up I decided yet again to go for women. And this time I refused to engage in yet another relationship with a man. This is when I get to know a guy that has become one of my closest friends ever. He fell for me, and flirted with me like crazy. I was saying no no no no no and no, explained to him that preferred women, but still i wanted to hang with him - we had so much fun together. Usually this is when they disappear, but somehow we managed to get passed the romantic part and got involved in a sort of friendship/relationship without romantic connection. I guess it’s difficult to explain to people who cannot separate romance from sexual attraction what the difference is. But there is a huge difference! He tried once to make it romantic and I immediately backed. Could not handle it! But as soon as we were back to having this platonic relationship it worked amazingly well. However, my desire to be with a woman physically was hindering us and after 2-3 years we decided to become regular friends again. Not only for my sake, he also started to crave romantic relationship. So yeah, nothing lasts forever. That being said: our relationship was without doubt the best relationship I’ve ever had! Hands down.

Around this period I’m more or less out as gay around my friends, although secretly doubting my new identity. Even though I definitely was, and am attracted to women, I’ve never really had a crush on any girl… so, then I cannot be? right? … Well, wrong! About 2 years ago now I read about aromantisicm for the first time and everything fell into place! AHA! Sexual attraction and romantic attraction doesn’t have to align! I was amazed, relieved… and also… a bit sad. Relieved that yes, I am a queer slightly fluid lesbian. But I am very aromantic - no special butterflies for anyone. Ever. Sad, cause I really want to feel all those feeling, but relieved cause the world is slowly getting educated, and I’M NOT ALONE! And for me, my target has shifted from trying to find that unicorn, to just settling down with building strong friendships. And who knows, maybe one day I’ll meet someone who wants to be in a platonic relationship with me again. Until then, I’ll just enjoy life as best I can :)