#we sold the goats not long after that as they were intent on escaping the pen and we didn't want to see a massacre

[lo-carb]

I'm tired y'all. Not only are the neighbors dogs back again harassing my horse, they've actively been trying to get into our trash cans, and went ballistic at me when I went outside to give pony breakfast. It was windy the other day, so not long after we drove into town to run errands it blew the lids off of our trash bins. They must have let their dogs out during that time and they graciously helped themselves to our trash. We know it was their dogs since we spotted them sprinting off our property as we arrived back home. Thankfully they must not have been at it long as there wasn't too big of a mess, but obviously the trash was bit into and scattered. I can tell the original dog that was coming across the fence to harass the horse now has some type of bulky shock collar on, not sure what good that's doing, but he's brought his friend over to join in now. And if I know anything about the multiple times I've witnessed game dogs mauling and harassing farm animals that I've raised, once you have more than one dog they seem to feed off of each other much more, pack mentality. Neighbors have avoided having to talk to me too, so I've been discussing it with one of their family members that I work with, something seems to be getting said to them but just.... Ughhhh

[cedarmoons]

reversed nadia & tragic heroism

aka, stop dismissing complex female characters as bitches you heathens

to preface this meta: i’ve included screenshots where i can, but as tumblr only allows 10 images, i’ll also include transcripts of scenes i want to discuss. screenshots have been cropped to only include the text, and should be read from left to right. i have left out some filler text, and “blank” boxes are only meant to keep the image even. all mentions of “Nadia,” unless otherwise stated, refers to Nadia in her Reversed route.

tldr: Nadia is Textbook Tragic Hero, it wasn’t animal abuse, Nadia did not sell MC to Satan for one corn chip, and it certainly wasn’t “bad writing.”

Long ass character meta under the cut! obviously contains spoilers for Book XX, Judgement - Reversed.

So. I originally had no intention of playing any of the reversed routes, but there were some claims about Nadia (i.e., she abused Mercedes & Melchior, she killed Lucio in cold blood, and she sold out MC for her own power) that made me think HMST and play it myself. Unsurprisingly, every single one of the above takes does not provide any greater context whatever.

I changed four (4) things to get Nadia’s reversed route: I never encouraged her to talk to her sisters or ask them for help; I told her to send Portia away; I did not allow the Flooded District partygoer to talk to her in Temperance; I told her to kill Lucio in The Devil.

And playing Nadia’s route seemed incredibly familiar to me, though it took a little while for me to realize why: Nadia, in her reversed route, is the textbook Tragic Hero. The Tragic Hero has a “fatal flaw,” which leads them to commit catastrophic errors in judgement, which leads to their allies, family, and friends abandoning them and their own isolation, which leads to the Tragic Hero realizing (too late) the gravity of their own errors.

I can’t believe I’m busting out my degree for a mobile game because some people like to twist things, but here we are. Someone has to go to bat for Nadia when the narrative surrounding her the past 48 hours has been doing her so dirty.

Part 1: The Lucio Problem

Now, let’s get straight to the first bout of character analysis: Lucio’s death. Nadia does not, in fact, cut Lucio down in cold blood. Lucio actually gets her to stop, and she allows him to explain why he should be allowed to live, which essentially is “because then I can help you overthrow the Devil.” The following is a transcript of their conversation, starting with Lucio explaining how he was supposed to be the Devil (instead of the ghost goat form we see in early-to-midgame), up to and including his death:

LUCIO: “It should have worked too! It was supposed to work! It wasn’t my fault. The Devil played dirty, he cheated me out of my chance to win! But together, we can defeat him. We can do it right this time!”

Nadia stares at him for a very long time, then throws her head back and laughs.

NADIA: “Yes, because you’ve been so trustworthy in the past.”

NADIA: “You would become the Devil and spread your treachery further than even Vesuvia. You would do the same thing he is attempting. You would cause death and destruction. Neither of you deserve the title. If you want something done right... do it yourself.”

LUCIO: “I won’t lose here! I don’t lose!”

Lucio lurches forward, anger flashing in his eyes. He reaches forward with a gold-gauntleted glove - And stops, as blood gurgles up from his mouth, trailing down his chin. Nadia’s blade is plunged deep in the center of his chest, the blade finally finding its mark.

LUCIO: “...”

She pulls the sword out and he crumples, his last words lost.

It should be noted Lucio’s sprite isn’t bloodied during his “...” dialogue. It’s interesting that no one mentioned Lucio lunged for Nadia first, isn’t it? Of course, one can always say he sensed his incoming death, and only attacked in self-defense: this is a reasonable and valid argument. But he unquestionably moved first, and Nadia also killed him in self defense: hardly the cold-blooded murder I had expected going in. 

It is not Lucio’s death itself that struck me in the writing, but the aftermath. After he is dead, MC can respond with either “Why did you do that?!” or “He had it coming.” I chose the former, and the following is the transcript:

MC: “Why’d you do that?!”

My head is still spinning. Nadia just killed someone in front of me... and she doesn’t seem to be bothered by it at all.

NADIA: “We knew it would come to this, MC. I couldn’t risk him causing more chaos and destruction. He would have always remained a threat.”

She pauses, reaching out slowly toward me.

NADIA: “You understand, don’t you?”

I’m interpreting MC’s “Why’d you do that?!” as a horrified growing realization of how far Nadia has fallen. They were the primary influence over the course of 20 books in shaping Nadia this way, but the way Nadia kills Lucio really cements her fall from grace for them. And Nadia, when she “reach[es] out slowly” toward MC, seems to know that MC has realized this. She says “You understand, don’t you?” — words that can easily be considered a plea.

You understand why I did what I did, don’t you? You understand I had no choice, don’t you? You understand there was no other way, don’t you? You understand I am not a monster, don’t you? You understand I do not want to lose you, don’t you?

I take a deep breath, still staring at where Lucio’s body was, then nod slowly. Nadia lets out a soft sigh of relief, and strokes my cheek affectionately.

NADIA: “Good. I couldn’t handle you turning from me, MC. It had to be done. I had no choice.”

Nadia already considers herself alone against the world. The MC is the closest thing she has to an ally; the MC is the closest thing she has to a confidant(e). Yet her anxieties and trust issues keep her from truly allowing MC to be as close as they are in her Upright route. This is seen as early as Book 9, when in the carriage ride (and immediately after discovering Portia’s betrayal), she wonders if MC will betray her, too, and whether she is destined to stand alone in the world. 

Over the course of the 11 books from Book 9 to Book 20, she has come to realize that if she loses MC, she is truly, truly alone in the world. Thus, her hesitation (“slowly”) to reach for MC. Thus, her blatant relief in MC staying with her. Thus, her admission that she would be unable to handle MC turning away from her.

Part 2: Becoming the Devil

In any heroic story, the hero must achieve a seemingly impossible feat: saving the world; defeating the unstoppable Big Bad; et cetera. Tragic heroes also seek to achieve impossible feats, but their “feats” straddle the line between good and evil, or their reasons — why they want to achieve the impossible heroic feat — are not grounded in conventional morality. Tragic heroes attempt to achieve their impossible feats, but their efforts, whether successful or not, always have catastrophic consequences.

Hamlet’s impossible feat is to avenge his father: his efforts to do so result in the deaths of his (debatable) love interest, his mother, his step-father, his friends, and himself. 

Solas in Dragon Age: Inquisition’s impossible feat was to stop the Evanuris: his efforts to do so created the Veil, stripping elves of their immortality and power, leaving them open to exploitation, enslavement, and death (and opening the way for him to undertake a second impossible feat: destroying the Veil to restore the elven people’s power). 

Clarke Griffin in the TV show The 100 had the impossible feat of saving her people from having their bone marrow harvested by Mount Weather: her efforts to do so saved her people, but killed hundreds of innocent people who had nothing to do with the cruelties inflicted on Clarke’s friends; gave her and another major character PTSD; and led to Clarke’s self-imposed exile from her people.

Nadia’s impossible feat is to defeat the Devil Arcana. 

Where in her Upright route she believes MC is powerful enough to bind the Devil’s powers, essentially limiting him to his own realm, in her Reversed route she does not believe this: she thinks it is too risky to MC’s safety, and she is unwilling to lose MC after they “nearly died binding Vlastomil.” Instead, she will replace the Devil Arcana herself, as it is the only way to guarantee that the Devil’s threat would end. 

VALERIUS: “It’s a terrible idea [to replace the Devil Arcana]. You want to be trapped here, forever?”

NADIA: “I see no other option. The Devil cannot be allowed to continue his machinations.”

THE HIEROPHANT: “Interesting. I hold no love for the current Devil. He oversteps his bounds. ... Yes. I believe you’d make a lovely Arcana. At the very least, you’d mind your own business.”

The Hierophant tarot is all about tradition, convention, authority, “staying within your own bounds.” The Devil’s attempt to escape his realm and merge the magical and mortal realms certainly disrupts the accepted status quo. If Nadia replaces the Devil, then the status quo is maintained (“at the very least, you’d mind your own business”). Of course the Hierophant is going to encourage her to do this.

VALERIUS: “And give up your own humanity in exchange! I’ve been there, Countess, it’s no way to live.”

Nadia shakes her head, looking out the window to the vineyard beyond.

Nadia looking out the window the vineyard beyond is not only a description but symbolic of her own reasoning. Her attention is diverted by looking out the window, so she is not fully attentive to what Valerius is saying. She is unwilling to look at, and thus give attention to, those who disagree with her; she has turned her face away from reason and disagreement.

NADIA: “What choice do I have, really?”

MC: “There’s always a choice!”

NADIA: “Not this time, MC. You’ve been with me through it all... but this last thing I must do alone. I won’t risk you.”

MC then has the choice to say “I’m with you” or say “I won’t risk YOU!” here. I chose the latter option for thematic relevance: MC is panicking, now, fully understanding what Nadia intends to do — and fully understanding that they might lose Nadia forever. They are trying to undo the damage they have done in the earlier parts of the route, but it is too late. Nadia’s heart has hardened.

MC: “I won’t risk YOU!”

NADIA: “MC... That’s my duty. As Countess of Vesuvia, as Princess of Prakra... as your lover. I will do what no one else can. I will drag this world, kicking, screaming, and ungrateful, to safety.”

Again, Nadia is the only one who can do this. She will drag this world “kicking, screaming, and ungrateful, to safety” — she knows she will not be thanked, or praised, but it is necessary. It is for their own good. Nadia knows best, and Nadia can only trust herself to get things done. 

MC: “We’re in this together, Nadia. I’m coming with you.”

NADIA: “You cannot follow me into the darkness, MC.”

(It should be noted that Kevin MacLeod’s “Wounded” is playing during this. This is the tragic piano that is also heard in Asra’s route on the Lazaret. I mention this because the tragic piano always fucks me up emotionally, so y’all have to suffer too.)

Nadia’s line — “You cannot follow me into the darkness” — is typical of a Tragic Hero who wishes to protect others, especially their love interest. Using my prior two examples from Dragon Age: Inquisition and The 100:

When a Lavellan Inquisitor who romanced Solas tells him, “let me help you, Solas,” Solas says: “I cannot do that to you, vhenan.” 

When Bellamy Blake asks Clarke to stay at her home, instead of impose self-exile, Clarke says: “I bear it so they [her people] don’t have to.”

The point of these kinds of statements is this: This terrible undertaking is my responsibility alone; only I can accomplish this impossible feat; I do not want you to be hurt; I would rather something happen to me than you.

But where the Tragic Hero usually succeeds in isolating themself from their love interest, MC inverts this aspect of the archetype: they convince Nadia to let them accompany her to the Devil’s realm. If MC had told Nadia in earlier books, “I’d follow you anywhere,” this is truly an echo of that sentiment: MC is willing to go to Hell for Nadia Satrinava. 

THE HIEROPHANT: “If you go down this path, you cannot hesitate. If you lose your nerve, he will come back. If you waver, he will see it. If you do this, you need to mean it.”

NADIA: “To keep the world safe. To keep MC safe... I’ll do anything. I won’t lose.”

It’s important to state Nadia does not want to become the Devil on her own merits. It’s not a power grab (at least, not consciously). She realizes it is dangerous. She genuinely sees no other option to end the Devil’s threat, and thus save the world, that does not risk harm to MC. As stated before, MC is the closest thing Nadia has to an ally: it makes sense she is unwilling to consider any options that have even the slightest chance of her losing MC. It makes sense that she is willing to do “anything” to keep MC safe.

She is constantly stating there is “no other choice,” even though the other characters (Valerius and the High Priestess) offer alternatives, namely binding the Devil in his own realm (what happens in the Upright end). It is not that she is not hearing these alternatives, or unwilling to listen to reason: it is that they are unacceptable to her, by virtue of the danger posed to MC. It is that [Solas voice] every alternative was worse. It is that [Solas voice] terrible choices are all that remain. If you have to kill Stranger A to save 100,000 lives, and someone offers Stranger B to kill instead of Stranger A, it is an unacceptable alternative.

An essential aspect of the Tragic Hero is colossal mistakes in judgement. In Nadia’s case, this would obviously be her decision to replace the Devil’s Arcana. But this has been reinforced to her over the course of 20 books through critical decisions made earlier in her route:

Not talking to Nadia’s sisters, which accomplishes two things: 1) reinforces to Nadia that you are on her side; 2) reinforces to Nadia that she is right to maintain her grudge against her sisters. Her first instinct is to resent her sisters. There is no challenge to Nadia to change her mind, or move past old hurts. She remains static, stubborn, and seeking to prove herself - not only to her sisters, but to herself.

Encouraging Nadia to cast out Portia, which reinforces to Nadia that she cannot trust, confide in, or believe others: she will always be betrayed. Nadia’s first instinct is to send Portia away. Agreeing with her reinforces that she is right to distrust everyone, and only believe in her own competence and ability. She remains static and closed off from others.

Encouraging Nadia to kill Lucio. Nadia’s first instinct is to kill him, as she sees “no other way”. MC agreeing with her reinforces to her that her decisions are best, and that sometimes there are no other choices, or at least [Solas voice] terrible choices are all that remain. She remains static and unchallenged in her viewpoint(s).

Part 2.1: Trusting Nadia

Nadia’s “betrayal” is framed as random, coming out of nowhere, and only for her own power. I was suspicious of this framing from the moment I saw it, because characters like Reversed Nadia — straddling the line between good and evil, isolated, pursuing their impossible feat — tend to place high priority on the people they love, to the point of over-protectiveness, obsession, and/or obsessive devotion. An excellent example would be Victor Fries/Dr. Freeze in the Batman comics, who is willing to commit evil acts in pursuance of his impossible feat to save his wife.

I never doubted Nadia’s love for MC, even in the reversed route. As stated before, Nadia thinks that MC is not like the others in her life, who are incompetent fools, or simpering power-seekers, or her detested sisters. They are unique. They are special. While she may not be able to trust them fully (again! everyone can betray her! she is the only one she can trust!), she certainly loves them for what they mean to her.

Working under the assumption that Nadia truly loves MC, then, following the precedents of other tragic characters who came before her, she would be utterly unwilling to allow any harm to come to MC. This would extend to her allegedly offering MC to the Devil without any remorse. I was more inclined to believe (even before I played the Reversed route) that it was some ruse of Nadia’s to trick the Devil.

And so imagine my surprise when Nadia and MC left the Hierophant’s realm to go to Nadia’s gate, and the book provided the following scene: 

NADIA: “I have a plan, MC. Lucio failed to defeat the Devil. But that does not mean it cannot be done. Unfortunately... I cannot risk telling you. I need your reaction to be genuine. Will you be loyal to me, MC? Will you trust I want what’s best for you?”

MC: “Yes.”

NADIA: “Good. Everything that happens is for you, do you understand? Promise me you’ll remember I’ll always keep you safe.”

Boy, it would’ve been nice if someone mentioned this when discussing Nadia selling out MC!

This is such obvious foreshadowing of Nadia playing the long con it’s painful. She cannot tell MC her plan about how to deal with the Devil, because she needs MC’s reaction to be genuine; she needs MC to be surprised. If the Devil realizes he is being played, everything is over, and her efforts will have been for nothing.

For Nadia, the stakes are high. She either:

Tells her lover what her plan is, i.e. to use MC as a bargaining chip, which could have backfire in multiple ways: MC could be uncooperative, or MC could play their part unconvincingly to the Devil, and tip him off. She might stay with MC, but risk the world.

Or, she withholds it from MC, so that their surprise and shock (and, yes, feelings of betrayal) are genuine, and thus more convincing to the Devil. She loses MC, but saves the world. 

Her decision is pragmatic: she will sacrifice MC, even if it means she loses MC’s love, for the greater good (saving the world). She understands that the healer has the bloodiest hands. She is accepting the blood to make things better. By choosing the second option, she is choosing to trust herself and her plan instead of trusting MC to pull off a successful deception. (In a similar vein: remember how much she enjoyed deceiving Valerius in Book 6, The Lovers.)

Still, she does not want to sacrifice MC, but sees no other way. It is painful, but for the greater good. Thus why she emphasizes why Her Decision Is Best, and In MC’s Best Interest: “Everything that happens is for you, do you understand? Promise me you’ll remember I’ll always keep you safe.”

You may be hurt, but it is for the greater good, don’t you understand? Don’t you trust me to do the right thing? Don’t you see that I have your best interests in mind? Don’t you see that you can trust me? That you should trust me?

She even goes so far as to test MC when MC promises her that they will know she’ll always keep MC safe. I call it a test, because that is what it undoubtedly is: she holds MC’s throat, and asks, “Even now?”

This is a lead-in for a premium scene, but it goes deeper than that. Implicitly, she is saying: Even when I have you so vulnerable, even with my hand around your throat, do you trust that I will keep you safe? Can I let myself believe you when you tell me that yes, you do trust me; that yes, you know I have your best interests at heart?

MC has the option of proving it to her (premium choice), or simply saying “yes”. I chose the latter. It is simple, and honest, and depending on people’s MCs, undoubtedly true. MC is willing to go to Hell at Nadia’s side; this is a minor thing, by comparison.

MC makes the interesting observation that Nadia looks at them “like a pet.” Sure, it could be a reference to Nadia’s obvious petplay kink, but I think it’s indicative of their deeper relationship: Nadia may love MC, but she does not consider them her true partner as she does in her Upright route. Again, she can only trust herself, no matter how important MC is to her, because MC, too, might end up disappointing her. They are lovers, and they are partners, but Nadia and MC are not equals (unlike in Upright). Nadia sees MC like a pet (to cherish, love, and care for, but not treat as equal) and I fully expect she will continue to do so in the next update.

Whether or not Nadia is aware that this isn’t the healthiest way to love someone is up in the air, but I’m inclined to believe that she is not aware, and she is demonstrating her love in the best way she knows how: protecting MC (which leads to making MC’s decisions for them), providing for them (which extends into petplay and spoiling), and praising them (you are special, you are unique, you are not like everyone else in my life, who disappoints me). 

Later, approaching the Devil’s realm, she reminds MC of the conversation they had in her gate:

MC: “You have a plan. One you can’t tell me about.”

NADIA: “Yes. And I need you to trust me for it to work. Do you still trust me?”

MC: “I do.”

NADIA: “Good. Remember that when we’re in there.” 

NADIA: “... I love you.”

(Edit March 22: Nadia’s sprite during her “I love you” line is her embarrassed/uncertain face. A subtle signal that she, too, has doubts, even if she’s trying to hide them.)

The whole point of the cliffhanger was to shock people, but I think that people who are saying that Nadia sold MC out for her own power are misguided. Nadia spent the entire book talking about how she had no choice but to do this and foreshadowing that she was going to do something that would be unpleasant but necessary. To say that Nadia sold MC to the Devil for her own power is to completely ignore everything that’s been set up throughout the book.

Also, if you still don’t trust her / consider her a bitch after I’ve gone through this whole section talking about how Reversed Nadia is a character type that would never let someone important to her (i.e., MC) come to harm (though she may use them for her own gains) and that it’s 99% likely she has no intention of actually following through on this “deal”... that says more about you than it does Nadia.

Part 2.2: The Dogs

The way the dogs were framed made me think that Nadia was straight up cruel to them. I thought the dogs were physically there, and Nadia was actually abusive to them (though I was inclined to believe it was neglect, not abuse. again, quibbling). 

Considering Nadia’s treatment of the cheetah, and even the vampire leeches, I should not have taken these accounts at face value, because they are flat-out misleading (at best!).

For context, Nadia and MC have left Nadia’s Gate to go to the Devil’s realm. The Hierophant has just warned them of a perilous journey. They leave the Hierophant’s realm, go to Nadia’s Gate where they have the discussion about trust, and then enter the frozen forest background. What happens is the following:

MC: “Where are we?”

NADIA: “There are many roads connecting the realms. Lost paths in the dark. The forest is an illusion. It is likely our minds cannot comprehend the true shape of these spaces. Instead, the world changes into metaphors we can understand. But you must remember they are only metaphors, MC. Keep your wits about you.”

We continue walking, wary of every strange noise that flickers off the narrow path we follow. Every step we take causes more fog to swirl from the ground, until we can barely see in front of us once more. I hear a snarl behind us, close enough that I can feel the breath. Without thinking, I turn around to face it —

Two figures emerge from the fog, their mouths dripping red. Mercedes and Melchior. Everywhere the blood from their mouths drips onto the ground, a cluster of flowers sprout. When I look closer, I realize... they’re all poisonous.

NADIA: “They must have gone mad with Lucio’s death.”

She tugs me closer behind her, but the dogs don’t try to approach. They just haunt our steps like specters, snarling and howling.

(Edit March 22: I just realized Nadia tugs MC closer behind her after seeing the dogs. She’s putting herself between MC and perceived danger, i.e. the dogs, further reinforcing her fear of losing MC and determination to protect them against anything. But sure, she doesn’t care about MC at all and is only using them for her own power.)

None of the posts I saw discussing Nadia’s treatment of the dogs ever mentioned that this happens in the magical realms, or that Nadia and MC discuss the forest’s visions being metaphorical immediately before the dogs’ appearance. Which is a shame, because it completely removes any context of the scene and does the double whammy of demonizing Nadia. 

I guess it’s easier and faster to type out “Nadia abused Mercedes and Melchior!” over “The magical forest in the Arcana realms manifested a bloody Mercedes and Melchior [whose sprites are their pomegranate juice sprites with a little bit of blood added] as a metaphor for the line that Nadia has crossed, i.e. killing Lucio, and the possible guilt that she is either not feeling at all or is feeling and is simply pushing away so she will not have to acknowledge it.” 

But the dogs’ mere presence — they follow always at a distance, like ghosts — is enough to force her to recognize it. She remarks that they must have gone mad, and moves on. She has come too far now to doubt herself. If she looks back, if she doubts herself, she is lost, and everything will have been for naught.

Part 2.3: The High Priestess

Leaving the icy forest, Nadia and MC come upon an old pavilion, where the High Priestess and Chandra await them. MC notes that “the dogs wait [behind us], never coming closer.” Further evidence that the dogs are metaphorical visions, not actually Mercedes & Melchior. 

THE HIGH PRIESTESS: “You’ve strayed far from the path, child.”

NADIA: “High Priestess. What are you doing here?”

THE HIGH PRIESTESS: “I was calling to you. Did you not hear?”

NADIA: “I have been quite busy, High Priestess. I did not have time to answer.”

Nadia’s personal card is The High Priestess. Reversed, the High Priestess means one is ignoring their own intuition and/or subconscious, to their detriment. In Asra’s Book X, Nadia states that her intuition is more like a curse than a gift, which certainly echoes here in the meaning of the High Priestess, Reversed: “Perhaps you doubt yourself or feel silly or guilty for listening to your intuition, and as a result, you deny your ability to tune in and receive this potent information.” 

This conversation also echoes Judgement, Reversed: “The Judgement reversed often appears when the Universe is trying to send you a message and invite you to something bigger, but you’re not listening. You are doing your best to pretend you didn’t receive it and are [...] hoping it will go away.”

The conversation continues:

THE HIGH PRIESTESS: “And so I come to you. These are words you cannot ignore. If you continue down this path, Nadia, all will be lost to you. Your family. Your intuition. Your humanity.”

NADIA: “If I do nothing, I will lose it just the same.”

THE HIGH PRIESTESS: “You know there is another option. You can bind the Devil instead.”

NADIA: “What, and lose MC instead? Slap the Devil on the wrist and throw him in jail? He’ll break free eventually. What’s a thousand years to an immortal being? This is the only way. The only permanent way.”

Note she corrects herself: the only permanent way. She understands there are other alternatives, but hers is best. When the High Priestess offers a solution, binding the Devil, Nadia angrily rejects it because of the risk it poses to MC, and she is unwilling to lose MC again.

It’s important to note that, within the course of a few hours:

Nadia went with MC to confront Lucio in the in-between realms, only to watch (helplessly! a thing she detests!) as Lucio stole MC’s body. (The Devil)

Nadia woke up without MC beside her in her Contemplation Tower, not knowing what Lucio had done or what had happened to MC until she went to the ballroom. (The Devil / The Tower).

Nadia had to send MC to the magical realms for their own protection, alone, where she could not protect them or ensure their welfare (The Tower).

Nadia watched MC struggle to unbind Vlastomil, suffering in the process. MC passes out, and reversed Nadia states that MC “almost died” unbinding Vlastomil (The Moon).

That is four experiences of Nadia being unwillingly parted from MC, either through separation or through a near death experience. That is why she refused to let MC go through the maze alone in The Star. That is why she is so set on not risking MC once again with the plan to bind the Devil. The scene continues:

THE HIGH PRIESTESS: “In a thousand years there will be another like you to step up again. Why must you do everything yourself? Why must you alone fight this threat?”

NADIA: “Because I am the only one I can trust.”

Nadia turns away, anger flashing in her eyes.

NADIA: “You have wasted your time in coming here, High Priestess.”

me 24 hours ago, blissfully unaware of this conversation: mc has spent 20 chapters reinforcing that nadia is the only one nadia can trust me now: wow i hate being right :(

An essential component of the Tragic Hero’s cycle is the hero’s isolation: disgusted by or despairing of the hero’s choices, their family, friends, and allies abandon them, or the hero themself abandons their family, friends, and allies to self-isolate. In Nadia’s case, it is both. She rejects the High Priestess’s wisdom, confident in her own choices (or, at least, unwilling to show the High Priestess that she is anything but 100% confident). In doing so, she pushes the High Priestess away.

And then there’s Chandra, who lands on Nadia’s shoulder and “nips at her ear sadly.” (The tragic piano is still going strong in the background!) The High Priestess, seeing this, says that Chandra “mourns [Nadia’s] loss already.” MC notes that Nadia “swallows hard, stroking Chandra’s neck gently,” and then the following exchange happens:

NADIA: “Must I lose you too, Chandra?”

The owl chirps and flies off her shoulder, going to land next to the High Priestess instead.

NADIA: “... I see. You will come around in time. You will see how necessary this is. Until then... goodbye, my friends.”

Like the dogs, I’m inclined to believe that Chandra is a metaphor, and not the actual owl. Chandra has been with Nadia since her childhood; she is the only thing Nadia took with her, from Prakra to Vesuvia. Chandra abandoning her is another metaphor for how far Nadia has fallen: she is utterly separated from who she once was. She is now, completely, a new person, unrecognizable to her closest and longest friend.

NADIA: “I know I’m right. I know this is the only path to victory... So why won’t anyone listen to me? It feels like I’m speaking to a wall. Do they think me foolish? I’ve considered every possibility. I’ve examined every other avenue. This is the only course of action left. They think I cannot do this. They think me incompetent.”

This is after Nadia leaves the High Priestess, and before the Hierophant informs them that Valdemar and Vulgora are attacking the palace. Note the progression of her thoughts: frustration and certainty in her own decision; questioning why other people think her choice is the wrong one; re-affirming her certainty; assuming that people who do not support her plan are like that not because of any concern for her welfare, but because they doubt her capabilities. I know I am right, but no one listens to me; thus, they are not truly concerned for me — they only think I cannot do this. 

Implicitly, her thoughts that follow: Well, I am going to prove them wrong.

MC can either tell Nadia that they listen to her (to which Nadia praises MC, once again: You are special; you have always been by my side; I know I can trust you, unlike everyone else in the world), or that people who don’t listen are foolish. If the latter, Nadia agrees, saying that people who don’t listen to her end up not doing well, and cites Lucio as an example.

In either case, the exchange reinforces Nadia’s mindset, which has been shown through Nadia’s small vent: She feels as if no one is listening to her, and she is stubbornly convinced that her choice is the best one. She is frustrated that her friends and allies have turned against her, and she does not understand why, because clearly Her Choice Is Best. 

If MC says they are listening, it reinforces that MC is the only one Nadia can keep close (as close as she can allow; trust no one but yourself, after all, is her modus operandi). If MC says the others are the foolish ones, it reinforces that Nadia is Always Right, because when people don’t listen to Nadia, they end up going astray or being worse-off, which just feeds into the cycle of Nadia is Right >> People Who Don’t Listen To Her Are Wrong >> Those People Suffer or Fail >> Thus Proving Nadia Right.

Part 3: Her Sisters

For me, this was easily the most heartbreaking aspect of the book. Nadia leaves the High Priestess angry, and she and MC arrive in a vision of Lucio’s wing. Nadia remains unswayed, telling MC they must keep going (if she looks back, if she falters, she is lost!), but MC, if selecting “I think this is real,” convinces Nadia to go to the ballroom, because Nadia wonders about why her sisters and guards are not stopping the chaos. (Implied in this statement: Why are they incompetent? Why are they useless? Why does everything fall apart without me?) The music is played sped up and backwards, symbolic of how wrong things are without Nadia’s presence.

In the ballroom, MC and Nadia find Natiqa, Nasmira, and Nahara attempting to get the crowds to safety, but the crowd isn’t listening to the Satrinavas. Then Nafizah sees MC and Nadia, and the following absolutely gut-wrenching exchange occurs:

Suddenly Nafizah, who is standing off to the side of her sisters, turns her head and looks straight at us.

NAFIZAH: “Like looking through a mirror into the fog... Why are you so far from us, sister mine?”

NADIA: “You can see us? Of course you can. Why should I be surprised?”

NAFIZAH: “The others need you here. They flounder without your guidance.”

NADIA: “Need me? NEED ME?”

Nadia’s sprite when she says “Need me? NEED ME?” is not an angry sprite. It’s her laughing sprite. You can just hear the angry disbelief. NEED ME? What are you talking about? Immediately with her next line, her sprite transitions into anger.

NADIA: “Since when have any of you needed me for anything? Perfect Nafizah, always looking down your nose at me. All of you did!”

NAFIZAH: “We have only ever loved you, Nadia. As much as you have allowed. The people are in a panic. They will not listen to us. They do not respect us. You must return.”

NADIA: “I will not! All my life, none of you have ever listened to me! You always thought you knew best! I’m doing what has to be done. If I returned, it would give the true villain time to escape. I’m striking now. You will see. And don’t you dare die before I’ve proven myself.”

And don’t you dare die before I’ve proven myself. Holy shit. Cold, but understandable, when taken into the context surrounding Nadia’s relationship with her sisters.

The youngest of seven, Nadia has always felt inadequate to the rest of her sisters. That is clear even in the early route, when she worries that Nasmira will take MC away from her. She is obsessed with proving herself to her sisters. It’s why she married Lucio, to prove to her sisters that she could pull Vesuvia up by its bootstraps. Reversed, that obsession is maintained, and she has no reason to change because MC does not challenge her. 

When asking for her sisters for help in Book XIII Death, she blames the servants for the Masquerade troubles: “I have everything under control, of course. But the servants, they’ve made a mess of things.” It is not her fault that the Masquerade is not ready, it is the servants’; she has everything under control, she is perfectly adequate at hosting a party on such a grand scale. Do not blame me for these failures, sisters, blame others, it is they who are incompetent and untrustworthy, not me.

Now we have even more context for Nadia’s choice to replace the Devil. Not only does Nadia feel the need to achieve her impossible feat — defeating the Devil — for the sake of saving the world and her lover, but as the ultimate way to prove herself to her sisters. They can never consider her a vulnerable baby sister to be coddled and over-protected if she literally defeats the actual Devil.

In her Reversed route, she is still pressured to show both her sisters and herself that she is not the “baby” of the family, which she resents (see the bonus scene about Nadia’s birthday). Considering Nadia is the oldest of the cast, this is obviously a deep, deep wound that stretches back decades, if not her entire life. And MC’s choices did nothing to heal that wound, only keep it open.

Part 4: Wrap Up

Nadia in her Reversed route is a textbook tragic hero. She is a character of royalty (fulfilling antiquity’s requirement that tragic heroes be noble of some sort, because nobility’s fall is always more tragic than a commoner’s); she seeks to accomplish an impossible feat; she isolates herself from her allies, friends, and family; she has a fatal flaw, which is her hubris, aka her conviction that she is in the right no matter what. We have had 20 books of buildup leading to this: the climax of her negative character development. All that remains is the denouement (aka, defeating and replacing the Devil.)

I have every expectation that she will succeed in her impossible feat, but the consequences will be catastrophic. Perhaps she will have to (however unwillingly) isolate herself from MC forever. MC might even become the Fool Arcana to join her, but that is no guarantee that they could actually be together. The Arcana are meant to stay in their separate realms, after all.

The devs promised a bittersweet ending, or a tragic romance. Nadia’s route fulfills both, because the ending is focused on MC and their relationship to their LI, not necessarily the reader’s favorite character, which may hypothetically be a relatively minor antagonist relative to the rest of the route.

Part 5: Last Thoughts

thanks for coming to my ted talk

[queerdraws]

Ineffable Husbands playlist

For anyone looking for an ungodly long playlist that is probably going to be under construction forever: Here You Go

I also want to plug this playlist while im at it because I absorbed a lot of songs from it & it’s very good.  much more concise FULL CURRENT TRACKLIST, 41 songs (as of 7.6.19) UNDER THE CUT Including: tally hall (an absurd amount), hozier (of course), frank sinatra, the mountain goats, sufjan stevens, queen, elbow, velvet underground, mitski...etc.

Frank Sinatra - The Best is Yet to Come

Out of the tree of life I just picked me a plum You came along and everything started in to hum Still it's a real good bet The best is yet to come

Best is yet to come and babe won't that be fine You think you've seen the sun But you ain't seen it shine

A wait til the warm up's under way Wait til our lips have met And wait til you see that sunshine day You ain't seen nothing yet  ... Wait til your charms are right for these arms, to surround You think you've flown before  But baby you ain't left the ground 

Hozier - From Eden (obligatory)

Babe, there's something wretched about this Something so precious about this Oh what a sin

To the strand a picnic plan for you and me A rope in hand for your other man to hang from a tree Honey you're familiar like my mirror years ago

Idealism sits in prison, chivalry fell on it's sword Innocents died screaming, honey ask me I should know I slithered here from Eden just to sit outside your door

Tally Hall - You & Me

Off again we go Another seed to sow Another part to keep in proper order

What have I begun? Get away undone I have seen the signs and I ignored them

Now it's you And me Divine A circular design (do do-do do-doo) Time, and place, and mind Points along the line (do do-do do-doo)

Sitting in the park Carefully remark Everything is better when you're learning

You were in the dark And I was in the dark Everything is made to keep on turning 

Barenaked Ladies - It’s All Been Done

I met you before the fall of Rome And I begged you to let me take you home You were wrong, I was right You said goodbye, I said goodnight

It's all been done It's all been done It's all been done before

I knew you before the west was won And I heard you say the past Was much more fun You go your way, I go mine But I'll see you next time

It's all been done It's all been done It's all been done before

The Strokes - Under Cover of Darkness (the times between meetings)

We got the right to live, fight to use it Got everything but you can just choose it I won't just be a puppet on a string

Don't go that way I'll wait for you

And I'm tired of all your friends Listening at your door I want what's better for you

So long, my friend and adversary But I'll wait for you

Conor Oberst - To All the Lights in the Windows (Crowley POV, Aziraphale not quite meeting him half way wrt The Arrangement.  Talks about various biblical events throughout time, like they’re meeting up there)

Jesus off in the water, standing on His feet Yeah, that's the thing about charisma it makes everyone believe But there is nothing impossible When I'm with you and when you're with me I got a sad sinking feeling that, that can never be

But I'm going to do what I can for you, I will make a plea To all the lights in the windows, the puddles in the streets And all the lovers that you've been teasing from your balcony May they carry you far from my memory

Light a Roman Candle with Me (Crowley POV)

Light a roman candle with me Just a roman candle, you can wear your sandals And I'll pour you just one cup of tea. Then you can go and rest You haven't seen my best, so

Just spend an evening with me Just a lazy evening, then you could be leaving Or we could stay and talk until three. I will think it's magic and I'll hope you'll agree, so

Light a roman candle with me. Just a roman candle. Just a perfect apple.

If we were honest and both wrote a sonnet together A sandwich with everything on it, At least we would know that the sparks didn't glow But we owe it to ourselves to try, So we aim and ignite! So often I call and I plead with you: "Give me a chance!" It's not often that I understand The ins and the outs of what's wrong and what's right So don't think of tomorrow tonight.

Oh, I know, it goes on, it gets old But for now we're young, we smell good, we're alone

You look for a legend, I'm looking for common ground. Your heart isn't breaking, And mine isn't making a sound.

Oh I know, it goes on, it gets old Oh I know, it goes on, it gets old

Light a roman candle with me. Just a roman candle. Just a perfect apple.

Tears for Fears - Head Over Heels (mmm pining)

You keep your distance with a system of touch And gentle persuasion I'm lost in admiration, could I need you this much? Oh, you're wasting my time You're just, just, just wasting time

Something happens and I'm head over heels I never find out till I'm head over heels Something happens and I'm head over heels Ah, don't take my heart, don't break my heart Don't, don't, don't throw it away

Throw it away Throw it away

Mother Mother - Problems

You and me, we're not the same I am a sinner, you are a saint When we get to the pearly gates You'll get the green light I'll get the old door in the face

Doo, doo, doo I'm a loser, a disgrace, yeah

I've found love in the strangest place Tied up and branded, locked in a cage I say I'm gonna stage a great escape Let loose and love all But baby we're out of place

Doo, doo, doo I'm a loser, a disgrace You're a beauty A luminary, in my face

I got it all, and not a lot, I got a lot less than a lot I've got problems, not just the ones that are little It's those people problems, it's something to consider When you come for dinner at my place

The Mountain Goats - New Zion (sort of a flashback to the garden, i don’t like to put really mellow songs at the very beginning of playlists so this was the best place i could fit this one in)

There were signs up in the sky When we gathered by the garden wall Everybody on his best behavior Listening for the altar call

High priest of Salem in his robes Ranting of the coming of the day Ravens at the gates Frightening all the visitors away

I lay down by the water Dreamed a dream of where I come from Old things made new Waiting for you

There were wooden wind chimes rustling In the trees above the anthills on the dunes On the high winds, we could hear them Old familiar tunes

The little bit of faith we had once Like the memory of a movie They got burned up in the great fire Reassembling itself slowly by surely

I lay down by the water Dreamed a dream of where I come from Old things made new Waiting for you

Tally Hall - Who You Are (Aziraphale POV)

Maybe there's something to being the one who you are Holding the thoughts in as you pull away in your car I get to thinking a little too often & All that I want is a little aloft & Maybe it's all too much thinking and not enough heart

How is it all of the people can know who you are? Off in the distance emitting a glow in the dark All of it subtle and all of it very bizarre How is it all of the people can know who you are? I see you Not too far

Armed to the teeth You will sit at the fireside We are the ones who have chosen the other side It was easy to see You were ready to be And it all falls down

You rose up and rode away underground Alone us finding our way to found

Catfish and the Bottlemen - Longshot

Go, ahead and tell me you got all you want Fiver says you're wrong And I suppose you've come down to help me Move things along ... Listen, the distance between us, could've took a while Once we closed that difference, you turned up like a friend of mine Every once in a while, the little things make me smile As if one of our longshots paid off One of our longshots paid off

So yeah, go, ahead and tell me something real Come on, how'd you feel? And I suppose you've come down to help me Answer to the riddle To the riddle

Why we laughed it off and we're wise enough, who knows?

Queen - You’re My Best Friend (obligatory)

Oh, you're the best friend that I ever had I've been with you such a long time You're my sunshine and I want you to know That my feelings are true I really love you Oh, you're my best friend

Ooh, you make me live

Ooh, I've been wandering 'round But I still come back to you In rain or shine

Apples in Stereo - Baroque

In the moonlight I see my memories In a new light, they seem so real to me I remember You know I remember And the starlight tripping in the sky Come on, we can still go there tonight I remember You know I remember We haven't changed We just feel a little strange We haven't changed We're just a little bit deranged

Umphrey’s McGee - Made to Measure (Crowley POV, “’you go too fast for me???’ what’s that supposed to mean??”)

Please excuse this I know it's rude But I was just trying to satisfy someone who requested mine You're hard to please And no one knows just what you need If you won't ever ask for help then how am I to tell? Uncomfortable You wear it well The sooner that you come around, the offer's waited to be found Anytime you need it I am already there and waiting What's yours is mine but you’re inclined to hesitate to try Don't get me wrong here I just want to make my intentions clear There's no room for reading into deep, if things aren't written down As soon as I've been told That you will not be sold Then we could all move forward here, and find our endings well You need a break It's hard to take the time When things will just move faster and we're never ever slowing down Anytime you need it I'm already there and waiting What's yours is mine but you’re inclined to hesitate to try And after all the bullshit shuffled, piles up inside There's only room for you and me And what we've left to try

Hayley Kiyoko - What I Need (”I’m going to alpha centauri and I won’t even THINK about you!”)

All the back and forth getting complicated Running me around got me frustrated No, that's why I been laying low If you wanna make it work, baby, gotta say it Need a little more than participation Oh, I could go be on my own ... What I need, what I need, what I need Is for you to be sure 

The Mountain Goats - San Bernardino (Az POV, unsure of timeline placement on this one but it’s very tender)

We got in your car and we hit the highway Eastern sun was rising over the mountains Yellow and blood-red bits Like a kaleidoscope

And flaming swords may guard the garden of Eden But we consulted maps from earlier days Dead languages on our tongues Holding onto our last hope

And the day was bright and fine And the highway sign Said "San Bernardino Welcomes you!"

I checked us into our motel and filled the bathtub And you got in the warm, warm water I pulled petals from my pocket I loved you so much just then

Sufjan Stevens - To Be Alone with You (another tender, possibly Az POV song)

I'd swim across Lake Michigan I'd sell my shoes I'd give my body to be back again In the rest of the room

To be alone with you To be alone with you To be alone with you To be alone with you

You gave your body to the lonely They took your clothes You gave up a wife and a family You gave your goals

To be alone with me To be alone with me To be alone with me You went up on a tree

To be alone with me you went up on the tree

I've never known a man who loved me

Elbow - Starlings (Crowley POV)

How dare the premier ignore my invitations? He'll have to go So too the bunch he luncheons with It's second on my list of things to do

At the top I'm stopping by Your place of work and acting like I haven't dreamed of you and I And marriage in an orange grove

You are the only thing In any room you're ever in I'm stubborn, selfish and too old

I sat you down and told you how The truest love that's ever found is for oneself You pulled apart my theory With a weary and disinterested sigh

So yes, I guess I'm asking you To back a horse that's good for glue and nothing else But find a man that's truer than Find a man that needs you more than I

Sit with me a while And let me listen to you talk about Your dreams and your obsessions I'll be quiet and confessional

The violets explode inside me When I meet your eyes Then I'm spinning and I'm diving Like a cloud of starlings Darling, is this love?

The Cure - Why Can’t I Be You?

You're so gorgeous I'll do anything I'll kiss you from your feet to where your head begins You're so perfect you're so right as rain You make me Make me, make me, make me hungry again

Everything you do is irresistible Everything you do is simply kissable Why can't I be you? ... Everything you do is simply delicate Everything you do is quite angelicate Why can't I be you? Why can't I be you?

Hozier - It Will Come Back (Crowley POV, don’t be kind to me i’ll get attached oh shit oh shit it already happened aughh)

I know who I am when I'm alone Something else when I see you You don't understand, you should never know How easy you are to need

Don't let me in with with no intention to keep me Jesus Christ, don't be kind to me Honey don't feed me I will come back

Can't be unlearned I've known the warmth of your doorways Through the cold, I'll find my way back to you Oh please, give me mercy no more That's a kindness you can't avoid! I want you baby tonight, as sure as you're born

You'll hear me howling outside your door Don't you hear me howling babe?

The Mountain Goats - So Desperate (Az POV)

We were parked in your car In our neutral meeting place, the Episcopalian churchyard I had things I'd been meaning to say But in the dazzling winter sun that late, I could feel them melt away

And through the warm radio static I couldn't hear my stage directions And the fog on the windshield Obscured our sad reflections

I felt so desperate In your arms I felt so desperate In your arms

We were parked near some trees And the moonlight soaked the branches in ever deepening degrees Had my hand in your hair Trying to keep my cool until it became too much to bear

When we cracked the windows open Well, the air was just so sweet We could hear the cars ten feet away Out there in the street

I felt so desperate In your arms I felt so desperate In your arms

Velvet Underground - I’ll Be Your Mirror

When you think the night has seen your mind That inside you're twisted and unkind Let me stand to show that you are blind Please put down your hands 'Cause I see you

Mitski - Strawberry Blonde (pining)

I love everybody Because I love you I don't need the city, and I Don't need proof All I need, darling Is a life in your shape I picture it, soft And I ache

Ok Go - Last Leaf (Crowley POV, i will go as slow as you need me to)

If you should be the last Autumn leaf hanging from the tree I'll still be here waiting on the breeze to bring you down to me

And if it takes forever Forever it'll be And if it takes forever Forever it'll be

And if you should be the last seed in Spring to venture forth a leaf I'll still be here waiting on the rain to warm your heart for me

And if it takes forever Forever it'll be And if it takes forever Forever it'll be

Coldplay - Til Kingdom Come

Hold my head inside your hands I need someone who understands I need someone, someone who hears For you, I've waited all these years

For you I'd wait 'til kingdom come Until my day, my day is done And say you'll come and set me free Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me

In your tears and in your blood In your fire and in your flood I hear you laugh, I heard you sing I wouldn't change a single thing

And the wheels just keep on turning The drummers begin to drum I don't know which way I'm going I don't know what I'll become

White Lies - A Place to Hide (mixed POV, apocalypse starts)

I've been searching through my books to try and find some truth Perhaps disguised as a mysterious way And if I made a promise Could I stay by your side? Would you guarantee my safety And say that I'd be all right?

But if Judgment Day started tonight at least I'd know I was right And I'd be laughing at the end of the world Take my hand tonight I'll think we'll be alright, girl

And I can see it on the TV, there's an air attack People of the mountains screaming I'll be back And I'm banging on your door so come on and let me in Need a place to hide, I need a place to hide before the storm begins

If I told you all the times when I'd done wrong Could you bathe my soul and wash it all away? I can't forgive the things that I can still remember So I think my friendly sins are here to stay

New Pornographers - Adventures in Solitude (Somebody killed my best friend)

Balancing on one wounded wing Circling the edge of the never ending The best of the vanished marvels Have gathered inside your door

More than begin but less than forget But spirits born from the not happened yet Gathering there to pay off a debt Brought back from the wars

We thought, we lost you We thought, we lost you We thought, we lost you Welcome back ... I know you want to run far away From one more and that it's comin' at a bad time Some cold place heartless ways for all we know

I know you need to breathe through Come back, come too but it's comin' at a bad time Tangled day, for all we know

I know you want to run far away from one more And that's comin' at a bad time Some cold race heartless ways for all we know

I know you want to breathe through Come back, come too but it's comin' at a bad time Old scarred face survivor's guilt, for all we know

Snow Patrol - The Lightning Strike (What if This Storm Ends?) (Crowley POV, you’re back!  oh god i could’ve lost you forever.)

What if this storm ends? And I don't see you As you are now Ever again

The perfect halo Of gold hair and lightning Sets you off against The planet's last dance

Just for a minute The silver forked sky Lit you up like a star That I will follow

Now it's found us Like I have found you I don't want to run Just overwhelm me

What if this storm ends? And leaves us nothing Except a memory A distant echo

I want pinned down I want unsettled Rattle cage after cage Until my blood boils

I want to see you As you are now Every single day That I am living

Painted in flames All peeling thunder Be the lightning in me That strikes relentless

Grandaddy - A.M. 180 (the apocalypse is over.  please still hang out with me?  we can do anything, no need for serious plans.  whatever together.)

Don't change your name Keep it the same For fear I may lose you again I know you won't It's just that I am unorganized And I want to find you when Something good happens

If you come down We'll go to town I haven't been there for years But I'd be fine Wasting our time Not doing anything here Just doing nothing

We'll sit for days And talk about things Important to us like whatever We'll defuse bombs Walk marathons And take home whatever together

Whatever together

My Chemical Romance - The Only Hope for Me is You (okay maybe we have a little trauma abt the apocalypse, anyway i love you?)

Where were you when All of the embers fell I still remember there Covered in ash Covered in glass Covered in all my friends I still Think of the bombs they built

If that's the best that I could be? Than I'd be another memory Can I be the only hope for you? Because you're the only hope for me And if we can't find where we belong, We'll have to make it on our own Face all the pain and take it on Because the only hope for me is you alone

How it should you be Many years after the disasters that we've seen What we have learned Other than people burn in purifying flame

I say it's okay I know you can tell And though you can see me smile I still Think of the guns they sell

Delta Spirit - Yamaha (Az POV, I’m sorry about the wait, I love you too)

I've been alone too many nights Too proud to tell you when you're right A little patience would have helped me then A lot like the break has been the common standard All the angels above the earth I prayed Said this message right into her head There's certain things in life I cannot take And I will wait

I hope you know I care I hope you know I care

So cold, I know you can't believe it Sometimes you gotta face the feelin' You don't care if you don't get up again There's a thousand things I will not understand (I hope you know I care) Now you're dealin' with the hell I put you through If I had my way I would be right there next to you There's certain things in life you cannot change There's certain things

I hope you know I care

Tally Hall - The Whole World and You (Crowley POV?)

There's lots of pretty people here Sharing soltries and passing letters and

There's lots of questions answered and Metaphysical astronomical songs

Words printed all on papers That seemed too mystical It's so magical

People that dance and compute that No one's better then you ...  I hope you're happy now I've revealed the truth I've even written this whole song about you And not about me And not about me

Please don't just laugh and clap right now This is serious I'm not delirious

I've waited very patiently Just to let you know Who should run the show

Cause we all know these are the facts Nothing to retract Nothing too abstract

Concluding in the song I'll say No one's better than you

Ashley Eriksson - Island Song (South Downs cottage)

Come along with me To a town beside the sea We can wander through the forest And do so as we please Come along with me To a cliff under a tree Where we'll gaze upon the water As an everlasting dream All of my affections I give them all to you Maybe by next summer We won't have changed our tune I still want to be In this town beside the sea Making up new numbers And living so merrily All of my affections I give them all to you I'll be here for you always And always be for you Come along with me To a town beside the sea We can wander through the forest And do so as we please Living so merrily

The Mountain Goats - Genesis 30:3

I remember seeing you, my tongue struck dumb When you first came here from wherever it was you came from The power in your voice, your rough touch You keeping care of me, keeping watch ... For several hours we lay there, last ones of our kind Harder days coming, maybe I don't mind Sounds kind of dumb when I say it, but it's true I would do anything for you

Open up the promise of the day Drive the dark things away I will do what you ask me to do Because of how I feel about you 

The Civil Wars - C’est La Mort (stay with me forever?)

Swan dive down eleven stories high Hold your breath until you see the light You can sink to the bottom of the sea Just don't go without me

Go get lost where no one can be found Drink so long and deep until you drown Say your goodbyes but darling if you please Don't go without me

C'est la vie C'est la mort You and me Forevermore

Let's walk down the road that has no end Steal away where only angels tread Heaven or hell or somewhere in between Cross your heart to take me when you leave Don't go, please don't go Don't go without me

The Magnetic Fields - When my Boy Walks Down the Street

Grand pianos crash together when my boy walks down the street There are whole new kinds of weather when he walks with his new beat Everyone sings hallelujah when my boy walks down the street Life just kind of dances through ya from your smile down to your feet

Amazing he's a whole new form of life Blue eyes blazing and he's going to be my wife

Sufjan Stevens - With My Whole Heart

And you're all I want (I fell in love, I fell in love the moment that I met you) And you're all I need (I give my life, I give my love, promise I will protect you) And you're all I've got (I will not rest until I know the best is always with you) And I still believe (I confess the world's a mess but I will always love you)

Tally Hall (edu) - Nowhere Else

There’s nowhere else I’d rather be Than in this moment you and me No place else I’d rather go No one else I’d rather know ... When the daylight turns to dusk Our energy a cosmic dust Trust with that in which you feel Love til the end ... love the lost and love the loved live below and love above love the earth and love the trees love those who give their lives for peace love all you call your family love you found a place to be love the ones with whom you fight love the ones who spend the night love the rich and love the poor love for want and want for more love the smile and simple things like those who want to live to sing love the ghost of what has passed love the trying till the last love the sick and love the strong love all who'll learn to get along

Frank Sinatra - I’ve Got a Crush on You

I'm your big and brave and handsome Romeo How I won you I shall never never know It's not that you're attractive But, oh, my heart grew active When you came into view I've got a crush on you, sweetie pie All the day and night-time hear me sigh I never had the least notion that I could fall with so much emotion

Could you coo, could you care For a cunning cottage we could share The world will pardon my mush 'Cause I have got a crush on you

Miracle Musical - Dream Sweet in Sea Major

Children born of one emotion Our devotion's deepest ocean No division reasoned we'll be Free

To know We are beyond a bow And lo, the hues arrange to show It's perfectly clear

You look quite divine tonight Here among these vibrant lights Pure delights surround us as we sail Signed, yours truly, the whale

Joy mirage's kingdom come No one left at stake Now that existence is on the wake Let's see what we can make

Apart is wholly ending A line in any final song So long so far

We will be atoning At last eternal through the past Above a blinding star

[tare-chan]

Spideychelle time!

Ok so now time for my spesific Spideychelle in FFH review :) It really took me this long to write cause… well… real life needs priorities ^^;

so anyway… beware of the long post under the cut

Okay, so when I read the news about the making of Spider Man FFH around October, when they shoot the Spideychelle scenes that’s placed in the very end of the movie, my hope for Spidyechelle being canon in FFH skyrocketed. 

and finally, when I saw it on screen, I have to say, I’m pleased :D Thank you Jon Watts! 

A little dissapointed that we didn’t get to see what happened right after the blip. I mean, surely the victim of the blip will be very confused, and shared the same trauma. We did see Aunt May raised a fund raiser for the blip’s victim. I was hoping to see how MJ would react to the blip, and what will be her reaction in seeing Peter and Ned still the same age at her. Surely they will become the best trio…… But then again, perhaps the script writer decided to leave those times to the fanfic authors?? ^^

Anyway, the first thing I noticed about Spideychelle moments were, everytime Peter interact with MJ, the bgm played the same song that played at the london bridge scene :D Awww…. totally love that bgm! Soft tunes and romantic….

So, the first scene we had was Peter telling Ned his plans, and MJ come to literally says hello to them :D This is one big step for MJ. She now feels comfortable enough to approach Peter and Ned. We already seen how akward Peter and MJ were in this scene. Did anyone noticed that MJ was a bit dissapointed when she heard that “Peter has plan”? Perhaps she thought Peter has plan to… approach European women? or something else? She looked relieved when the conversation went south, with those little spoon collecting things, and thus leaving the boys by giving them advice about VPN. Ned claimed that the conversation went well….. while we of course see that those didn’t went well at all XD

Next, the plane scene. For the first time on screen did we see MJ cleverly defended Peter from Flash. And the highlight moment when Peter acknowledge her actions. His expression was priceless. The little smiles and adoration eyes… that immediately changed into dislike upon seeing Brad.  (oohh Peter… you’re so cute!!) Then we saw Ned being the best BFF trying to become the wingman, and execute the ‘sit next to each other’ plan, that went horribly wrong. ^^; (I laugh so hard at that scene). We can see MJ was curious when Ned tell Betty to switch seat with Peter, and that curiosity turned into annoyed expression when at the end MJ needs to sit besides Brad. But she managed to control herself (as always), and tried to enjoy the ride. Unlike Peter whose face clearly showed how disappointed he was. 

The bathroom scene were also very sweet. Peter was so terribly awkward, but he still tried to did his best, and give his best for MJ. The confused MJ unfortunately didn’t get the ‘coded message’, thus leaving a high hope Peter face to face with….. Brad XD Lol!! 

Then the boat scene. Where Peter stared at MJ too long, that MJ started to look back. I think that’s when MJ started to understand that maybe Peter’s unto something. She’s very observant after all. But, as a very guarded person, she won’t be reckless or she will be hurt. Thus she still cope with whatever thing Brad has to offer, before ditching him, and went to have espresso. I think, she needs that espresso to ‘encourage’ her to approach Peter (she usually just drink tea). After all, we did see her waited at the pillar, until Peter showed up. Of course her intention was to confront Peter about that little gift, but in her subtle way, by sharing her knowledge about that magic word ‘Bo’. Perhaps that’s a very subtle message to Peter too…. “that’s my super power”?? Get it? MJ of course already suspect Peter was Spider-Man for so long. 

Then the Hydro-Man appeared. I love how both Peter and MJ jumped in to rescue Ned and Betty. They’re very brave!! In this scene, like my post from long time a go, noticed that MJ’s eyes didn’t actually looked at the monster, but rather at the boys before her. She must’ve noticed the conversation, thus holding Ned arms to lead them away from the dangerous zone. She didn’t look back, or search for Peter, because she already know (or suspect) that Peter could handle it on his own. And it’s her job to make sure Ned and Betty were okay. 

After that, the camera only focused on Peter, and the rest of the group who went to the closed museum. We didn’t get to see where MJ was….. there’s a possibility that she sneak around to watch Peter from a far. (just like the scene at the carnaval in Prague). 

Later we see that Peter once again tried to execute his plan, and asked MJ to went with him at their next destination. Eiffel tower in Paris. And MJ liked the idea! But of course, she has to stated another dark information regarding the tower, just to mess with Peter. She really love his petrified expression, didn’t she? Only this time, MJ always relieved Peter by immediately stating the positive things. Like how she actually love Eiffel tower. Aww….. I really like this development from her part. 

The bus scene! Once again we see how MJ tried to being nice with Brad. But at a certain point, she choose her book instead. And at the ‘Baby mountain Goat’ scheme Peter did, did anyone noticed that MJ didn’t buy it at all?? Everyone else went to the window side, but MJ sit still in her seat. And when Peter were confronted by Betty, we can see that MJ kinda ‘glared’ at Peter from the top of her book. And MJ keep sending Peter an “annoyed stare”, several times after that: when Brad tried to showed her ‘that’ photo, when Mr. Harrington briefed the kid at the hotel lobby and Peter’s phone rings. I’m guessing MJ started to piece things together and a little bit annoyed that Peter’s spider things hijacked their vacation, and there’s possibility dragged them all to danger things. 

From this scene onward, we did see how MJ build up her courage to interact with Peter. The silent looking at each other when they walked to the opera house, then she compliment him pretty, and she even managed to asked Peter to sit with her! Totally love how MJ didn’t immediately accept Peter’s rejection as ‘rejection’, but tried to confirm what he meant by ‘no’. Especially since MJ must’ve noticed Peter fumbled with something in his ear. And when Peter didn’t showed up at her side, MJ now run after him!! I saw these as a great growth from her part. Sure at this point, I think MJ was still confused at her own feeling, as in whether she actually want Peter because she likes him, or whether she was intrigued by Peter’s alter ego and want to confront him for confirmation.

Judging by what happened at their night walk at that bridge in Prague, I’m guessing MJ leans to the later excuse. Now, this is one of my favorite (angsty) scene. Noticed her expression when she cut Peter’s confession. She was so proud of herself, pointing at Peter’s disappearance that’s corresponds with Spider-Man’s appearance, she even scoffed at Peter’s lame excuses, and her expression when she took out her ‘proof’ was such a ‘happy - proud - managed to solved a problem - you can’t make anymore excuses’ one. 

Knowing he was caught, Peter went silent. But what weigh him more was that harsh truth that apparently MJ didn’t like him back for what he is. He can’t help but wear the ‘extremely’ disappointed expression. His heart literally broken to pieces there. He has sold his favorite toys to buy the beautiful necklace for her, he has prepared all those plans, he has mustered all courage he has to tell her his feeling, but apparently, all of that was wrong!! His broken ‘so…. you’ve been watching me, because you thought I was Spider-Man?” part was soooo well played by Tom, that I can’t help but feel the boy’s pain. Poor Peter… :,(

On the other part, MJ instantly knew that she’s stepped the boundaries. Her facial expression changed from proud to ‘regret’ in split second! (bless Zendaya and her acting prowess). She shouldn’t pushed Peter to admit his secret, a thing that she should know was something so important to him for a reason. She shouldn’t snoop into other people business, especially when said people purposely hide it from others. And at that moment, I believe MJ suddenly aware that Peter has feeling for her. That part scared her, especially since she are now confused at her own feeling. Guilt mixed in that. Thus she escape to the things she never did, she lied. 

Thankfully, the projector butt in, and the conversation could be put on hold. And Peter’s rational- responsible part, made him not to dwell much on his broken heart things, but to immediately prioritize his actions. Thus he confirmed MJ’s suspicions, cause he needs to do something to fixed his mistakes fast. MJ’s was taken back with this sudden change of behavior. Apparently she rarely see Peter’s taken charge and now things need to be done. I totally love how they ‘solved’ this Mysterio is a fraud problem together. They’re both very smart!!

at this scene, we could also see how MJ still feels guilty to pushed Peter and snooped at his secret, that she, in her own way of course, reconfirmed Peter’s decision to tell her about his alternate ego. I’m pretty sure MJ wasn’t only 67% sure that Peter’s Spider-Man, but she was asking whether it’s okay for Peter to let her know his secret. That he trust her enough to hold the secret. And Peter said ok, that he trust her enough not to tell people. Despite her excitement for receiving Peter’s secret, MJ can’t helped but being overwhelmed by so many possibilities of danger that haunted them while they’re on vacation, thus she rambled. And this is one rare occasion when Peter was calm enough, while MJ’s mind going crazy. Just to point the fact that Peter already has so many more experiences with ‘danger super hero things’ than MJ was. 

We can see how MJ still worried over things and still can’t think of what to do next, back at Peter’s hotel room, while Peter already has clearer idea of what he has to do. This lead to a funny scene where Peter changes in front of MJ, then get embarrassed. While on MJ part, we finally see the raging hormone teen in usually stoic MJ. LOL! totally love this part. And as already stated by other tumblr account, we did see the extreme changes in MJ, how she can relax and let down her mask in front of Peter, but quickly put them back on while in front of Ned. (again, amazing acting Ms. Z!)

After that we skipped into an angsty part from Peter’s own little adventure. But it still showed how Peter still has deep feelings towards MJ. No matter what has happened, no matter that (he thought) MJ didn’t like him back, he still has strong feelings towards her: The illusion scene where he still jumped after the illusion MJ, and when he asked Happy to give MJ the necklace. Those are deep feeling, I refuse to called it puppy love. Peter really really like MJ. :,( my poor boy….

On the other hand, I love to see how fast MJ adapt being the FOS, a.k.a being the closest persons to Spider-Man, the persons whose chance of being hurt as collateral damage are high. And I love seeing her being the more calmed person than Ned, and still can think clearly despite the chaos in front of her: she shoved Flash to move and away from the danger, she being the person noticed that they might be the target of Mysterio’s drones, she questioned who Happy was, and her idea of using the mace. I’m guessing despite her snarky sarcasm exterior, she was scared, and extremely worried for Peter’s safety. She might have just finally brave enough to admit it to herself, that she actually really like Peter in a romantic way. Especially when Happy at some point, gave her the necklace, that could be seen as Peter’s parting gift. She might be very scared for not being able to meet him again, to finally tell him the truth about her feeling. Especially, since she has lied to him before. Thus we saw her immediately darted out of the vault, the second things seems went under control.

I love how the camera zoomed out, to show MJ being the lone figure that moved between the remnants of destruction at the bridge. It showed how determined MJ was to find Peter, and to make sure he was alive. And it leads to the scene, where a ‘non hugger’ MJ, literally throw herself into Peter’s arm, and hugged him tight. Cause he’s alive.  Noticed that MJ was still new to this worrying things, that she didn’t managed to call Peter’s name throughout her adrenaline rush, and stumbled on her words, stuttering and all when explaining what happened. While the more experienced Peter was calmed enough and managed to call her name, and asked coherent questions regarding everyone’s safety. . :)

But the table turned fast, when it’s time for them to talked about feelings. It’s Peter’s turn to stumbled on his words, and tried to apologize for every stupid plans he has made, the broken necklace, with thought that he has assumed things on his end. He was already accepted the ‘fact’ that MJ didn’t like him like that, and his gift and plans will make it awkward, between them. 

But, of course MJ need to stop his thoughts, and one effective way to silenced a rambling Peter was with a peck in the lips. And it was effective! MJ was observant after all :D Then we saw how MJ really struggled to showed all her inner fears, and at the end, she really really like Peter for who he was, with flaws and in such a ‘broken’ state. 

A very relieved Peter (look at his expression! Tom… oh my oh my… what a wonderful acting!) finally managed to tell MJ his feeling, that reciprocates! *sniffles*. 

And at the movie end, we saw the romance bloomed beautifully, and both of them understand each other so well, but them still being themselves :,) MJ still teases Peter and being a blunt honest, with a hint of soft (”well… except me… “, her texting “don’t swing and text”) and Peter accept MJ for who she was.

All in all… the development of Spideychelle in FFH was wonderful, and I shouldn’t asked for more…. (but I really hope there’s more!!) I can’t thank Jon Watts enough for this wonderful development, and for Tom and Zendaya for delivering such a perfect interaction between the two :,)

The mid credit scene, I say, built the stage for the ‘rocky’ relationships between these two. I can’t wait to see what the directors will prepared for us!!

Meanwhile, I will indulge myself in fanfic community :D

And… this turned out to be extremely long!! ^^; if you managed to come this far… I can’t thank you enough to spent your time in reading my fangirlism rambling. XD 

[averagemarvelbitch]

Pride and Joy / PART SIX

Guess who decided to write more! Previous chapter can be read on AO3

---

7 years later.

“This is actually pretty good”.

“What’s yours?”

“Chicken”.

“Hum. Let me try”.

Clint offered Natasha his shawarma, letting her take a big bite out of it. “Yours is better. I want a chicken one”.

“Yeah, sure, go crazy, the billionaire is paying”, Tony complained half-heartedly. He still looked pretty shaken, more so than everyone else. Natasha guessed taking a nuclear bomb into space with no intention of coming back would do that to someone. It was easy to forget, sometimes, that Tony Stark was a civilian. He hadn’t been trained for the worse like Nat or Clint had. Hell, even Thor and Steve. Being a warrior prince from another world had probably prepared him for a battle like the one they had just had. And Steve, well, he was a soldier. And this, this had been just another war. A different war, sure, but a war nonetheless.

Tony, though, wasn’t a soldier, like he himself had said so many times. He wasn’t a trained agent or a warrior god from another realm. He was just a man who witnessed firsthand how fucked up the world really was and decided to change that. Much like Natasha, he had made bad choices in his life and, when given the opportunity, decided to change, to help. She could respect that. Choosing to do good... Well, let’s just say being a heartless assassin was much easier.

Natasha was brought back from her thoughts by the engineers voice.

“Then don’t go back to SHIELD right now. Call Captain One Eye and tell him you’re sleeping over today”.

“Captain One Eye?” Steve asked, amused.

“Well, I can’t call him Captain Hook. He doesn’t have a hook”, Tony explained, exasperated.

“That you know of”, Clint whispered, taking a sip from his Coke.

“I’m just saying, Loki is in custody and New York is, well, in pieces. They could use us here. You know, to clean up”, the engineer said, looking down at his empty plate.

Suddenly, Natasha understood.

“Starks right”, she said, looking around the table, “people died today and a big part of New York is destroyed. The first responders might need help and it would be good PR for SHIELD and for Stark Industries to show that we care”.

“Hold on, none of that was our fault! We were trying to save those people, Loki was the one hurting them”.

“Loki and the chitauri”, added Thor, somberly.

“Clint, think about it. Loki is going back to Asgard, to face justice there. People are busy now thanking their Gods for surviving this, but soon enough that’ll pass. They’ll bury their dead and look at what once was their place of work, their stores and restaurants, and they will be sad. They’ll be angry. They will want someone to blame. The government will want someone to blame too. Loki won’t be here, but we will. We will become their escape goat”.

“Then we must act”, Thor said after a moment of silence, “we will tell these people Loki is to blame and he is receiving a most harsh punishment for his crimes. And we will tell them about their government and how, if not for our friend Man of Iron here”, at this, he slapped his hand on Tony’s back, making the brunette go slightly forward, “this city would be decimated”.

“We can’t tell them that”, Tony replied, sitting back at his chair, “if we tell the people the government wanted to nuke the city we’re going to have a way bigger problem in our hands, thunder thighs”.

“Right. So we need to make this right ourselves. We’ll sleep at the tower tonight and offer our help to the first responders tomorrow”, Natasha said, in a tone that didn’t leave much room for disagreement.

Interestingly enough, Steve remained silent, merely nodding after Natasha as he finished his own shawarma.

---

It was four in the morning and Natasha couldn’t sleep. The bed was very comfortable; in fact, it was the most comfortable thing she had ever slept on. The pillows were soft and smelled faintly of lavender, the temperature of the room was absolutely perfect and there was absolutely no noise to keep her up. Still, sleep evaded her.

She stayed on her bed for some time, just staring at the ceiling, thinking about her mission from two years ago. When Fury asked her to infiltrate Stark Industries and collect information on Stark she had been a bit… apprehensive. Fury knew why, of course. It was difficult to look at Stark and not remember Anastasia. A soft laugh escaped her. Anastasia, the lost princess indeed. Apparently, the Red Room had a sense of humor. A dark one, sure, but a sense of humor nonetheless.

Natasha closed her eyes, taking a deep breath. Remembering Anastasia meant remembering Budapest. She did not want to remember Budapest. Ever. Even the mention of it made her sick to her stomach. It had been for a good cause. She’d needed to know if Clint was really all back or still stuck in his head with Loki’s paw all over his brain. But still. Speaking of it in such a light manner had really messed her up.

She sat on her bed, looking around the room. There was no way she would be able to fall back to sleep.

“JARVIS?”, she called in a soft tone.

Yes, agent Romanoff?, he responded promptly.

“Is anyone awake?”

He hesitated for a second before answering. Sir is at the communal lounge area. I’m sure he would appreciate the company, even if he says otherwise.

Natasha smiled and got out of bed, putting on a robe she had found earlier in the bathroom and taking the elevator straight up to what Tony was calling the communal floor.

She could see him lying down on the couch as soon as she stepped out of the elevator.

“Come to join the insomniac club?” he called out still looking at the TV in front of him.

“Something like that, yeah”, she replied, walking over to him and throwing herself on the same couch he was.

“I can’t sleep”.

“Me neither”.

They looked at each other and in that moment Natasha could see the gratitude clear in his eyes. Thanks for agreeing with me even though you knew the whole ‘they might need us’ excuse was bullshit, he seemed to say, thanks for understanding that I just couldn’t be alone tonight, but still not using that moment of weakness against me.

She smiled at him. Thanks for giving me a chance even though I lie to you.

In that moment, she thought about telling him the truth. She could tell him everything. About how she had found a recording in the Red Room that proved that his daughter hadn’t died at birth. About how his daughter was raised in a place so cold and unforgiving it almost destroyed her very soul. About Obadiah Stane and how he had taken her away, sold her to Red Room, to be tortured and stripped of all personality, to become nothing more than just a puppet, ready to kill even her own father if given the order. She could tell him. But what good would that bring?

Let him think she felt no pain. Let him think she died in his arms rather than the truth.

Natasha turned her eyes to the TV, images of Budapest invading her mind in full force. She saw herself desperately hugging the unrecognizable body of the girl she had fought so hard to protect all those years. She felt again all the pain, all the sorrow, all the uncontrollable sadness that had filled her that day as she cried over Anastasia’s body. How could she ever tell Tony that his daughter had lived a life of torture, only to burn alive years later because of Natasha’s mistake? She could never.

So she stayed quiet as they both watched some silly Disney movie. They didn’t take their eyes off the TV, not even when Thor and Clint showed up, the first sitting down on the couch next to them while the second was sprawled on the carpeted floor. They didn’t blink when Steve showed up, wrapped around a heavy blanket even though the temperature of the room was perfect, and they didn’t bat an eye when Bruce came, sitting down next to Natasha, whispering I love this movie as he hugged his pillow.

Eventually, the Avengers all fell asleep, the soft humming of the TV on the background. Little did they know this, right here, would become a very special tradition in what would soon become the Avengers Tower.

---

Meanwhile, somewhere far away from New York, a girl who could be no more than nineteen finally cracked the encrypted files she had been working so hard on. She had spent years trying to find the file and then weeks to decrypt it, but finally her hard work had paid off.

There was so much. All the assassinations, all the strategically placed politicians and… SHIELD. Agents in the lowest levels, agents in the highest levels. So many. But why, why would the Red Room do this? World domination wasn’t really their goal, so why would they bother to infiltrate all these governments, all these agencies? It made no sense.

Suddenly, her eyes flickered to the one folder she was looking for.

The Lost Princess Protocol

Natalia always joked with her. You need to train harder, little lost princess, she would say with mirth in her eyes. The girl took a deep breath before clicking on it.

And then she couldn’t breathe. The documents, the birth certificate. Mother, deceased. Father, alive until he grew out of his usefulness. The plan: should Obadiah Stane not cooperate, he would be eliminated, and Anastasia ― no, not Anastasia, Abigail ―, the long lost daughter of Tony Stark, would return and take his place as head of Stark Industries. A weapons manufacturer. Why would the Red Room need that? They worked in secrecy and no weapon was greater than a little spider. They had always told her that. She couldn’t understand.

And then there was an audio file. She listened to it. Two men talking. Stane and Pierce. Pierce, the man whose name she had seen before. A councilman in something called the World Security Council. And then, she heard the words. She had heard those words before, whispered in fear amongst the older spiders. She felt a chill run down her body as they echoed in the room.

Hail Hydra.

---

On the next chapter: SHIELD is falling, Natasha comes clean and a certain little spider has a very interesting conversation with the director of SHIELD.

[harleyquilt]

The Incompetent Demon and his Demon Whisperer (Part 1)

Summary: Touka is a young woman seeking out the aid from the shadows to avenge her parents death, only to find the demon she sold her soul to is a complete and utter idiot.

Words: 5071

Notes: I...don’t actually know how long this fic should be, but it’s a lot more lighthearted and silly compared to my other touken fics. I wrote this for the wonderful @madghoulworld for being an amazing and dear friend to me, even after I abused my power of using her as my own personal doctor and for asking her for help with some of my other works. I hope you enjoy the fic and feedback would be greatly appreciated!

 Thick black smoke swirled at their feet, Touka pressing her hand against her mouth to hold back her shocked gasp. A tall dark shadow looked over her, a deep laugh shaking the apartment she lived in. Two cloven feet hovered above the red painted star pentagon she had drawn earlier, several red eyes appearing all at once. A clawed hand reached out for her, grabbing her by the chin with its head leaned forward, appearing out of the dense smoke that engulfed the room.

“What a pretty bunny you are.” He grinned, showing off a cluster of razor sharp fangs with each eye blinking separately and slowly. “What reason does this mortal child want with a repulsive demon like me?”

He chuckled at her astounded silence, her eyes wide with fear and amazement. She had actually summoned the demon. She didn't think that the instructions Yoriko had told her would actually work, but there was benefits in having a witch for a friend. Even so, to see this demon right before her shaken her right down to her core, with his two curled ebony horns, claws covered with ash and goat-like legs that only added to abnormality. It was terrifying.

“Speak, tainted lamb.” The demon spoke, his eyes narrowed. “My patience is thinning and my stomachs grow hungry. Your soul will surely be delicious-”

“I want power!” Touka said, despite her cheeks being squished together. “My parents - they were murdered mercilessly by the police - and the man who killed them is-” The demon let go and she rubbed her sore cheeks, hearing him tut as his demonic shadow swirled into the form of a man, “-too powerful for me...to…w-what are you doing?”

“I get it. You want to kill the murderer, etcetera, etcetera.” He stepped towards her, the smoke parting and fading with his new form still partially hidden. “In exchange for your soul, I will give you the power you need.” He held out his hand ready to shake, a smirk tugging at the end of his new lips. “Deal?”

Touka had been prepared for this, keeping in mind the words Yoriko had told her a few days ago. A soul wasn't something that could simply be given away, knowing that there’ll be nothing but a dark void left behind and yet, even so, if she wasn't about to lose her soul now, it'll be corrupted by the time she found her parent's killer. And she won't let him, Arima Kishou, escape again, so she didn't give a damn about the price that had to be paid.

“Deal.” She shook his hand in return, grimacing at the coldness of his skin. A gust of wind blew through the room, the smoke being blown away and now Touka could see the demon's new body clear as day. His very...naked body.

“Is something wrong?” He raised a brow and his grin remained, crossing his arms. Her jaw hung open and it took her a minute before she could avert her eyes. “You seem distracted. We still have some things to talk about, you know.”

“Can you...Not be naked?” She scowled and in the corner of her eyes, she saw his wolfish grin grow with his cockiness. “It's not very appropriate.”

“Does this form not satisfy my lady?” He stepped forward and she squeezed her eyes shut, shaking her head quickly.

“Don't call me that.”

She peeked back, hoping that he somehow got the message and to her relief, she saw that he was now dressed in a black shirt and pinstripe trousers. An odd choice, but better than full on nudity. With a sigh, she turned back to him, finally able to get a good look at her demon without his muscular and well endowed body distracting her.

He was a few inches taller than her and much broader too, but his eyes were round with a soft grey colour, nothing she imagined a demon to have. His hair was black and his skin pale, his shit-eating smug smile always there. He looked...handsome. Wait, no, he was probably only trying to manipulate her with these looks of his. She wouldn't let him take the advantage over her in this contract!

“Right,” she crossed her arms, narrowing her eyes, “is there any limitations and such I should know about-”

“Let's skip all that.” He was suddenly right in front of her, one of his hands coming up to brush her fringe back. “What beautiful eyes you have for a mortal.”

“Oi, I'm already giving you my soul.” She slapped his hand away, but it didn't seem to bother him. “What kind of demon are you anyhow? Shouldn't there be rules?”

“Sure, but I don't follow the rules.” He winked and Touka tried not to cringe. “I'm not like other demons.”

She raised a brow, unimpressed and she wondered if she did the ritual right after all. Maybe it won't hurt to give Yoriko a call.

“I can see that you're a little stunned by my presence, so I'll keep this short.” He pinched her cheek and she silently questioned if this was a prank. Or rather, she prayed - did she really just sell her soul to this guy? “I will give you whatever you need to find and take down these killers of yours and once that's all done with, I'll be able to eat that delicious soul of yours.”

He cupped her face in his hands, licking his lips as he looked down at Touka with a hungry look in his eyes. Despite his unbothered attitude before, he did seem very eager to obtain her soul. What was she even supposed to think of this...thing, because she wasn't really feeling threatened. Should she? Again, her thoughts wonder back to Yoriko.

“Hey, are you paying attention?” He shook her a little and she blinked hard, her attention back at the demon. “You can call me whatever you like, though the other demons call me Black Reaper.”

“Pfft,” she snorted, the ‘reaper’ scowling at her reaction. “Of course they do. I'll just call you Kaneki - saw his name in some manga.”

Before ‘Kaneki’ could respond, probably to protest against such a meaningless name, the door opened and a boy's voice called out for Touka. They both turned to see a dark haired young man walk into the room, his face holding a lot of resemblance to Touka - likely her brother. He paused and stared at Kaneki, a mixture of shock and confusion on his face.

Touka froze and looked between them, mentally beating herself up for completely forgetting that she would have to explain her new...companion to her brother. It'd be nice if he had just stayed with Hinami, but it was too late now. He opened his mouth to speak, but Touka quickly linked her arm through Kaneki's, much to his surprise, with a forced smile.

“Ayato! I'm glad you're here, I wanted to introduce you to my new boyfriend, Kaneki. Ken Kaneki.” That was the characters name, right? It’d be easier if she actually liked the character she used the name from.

“Boyfriend?” He grimaced with a sneer, already clearly disgusted as he looked at Kaneki up and down. “Did you find him in some corporate dumpster or something?”

Kaneki sighed and wrapped his arm around Touka’s waist, making her freeze up. Her lips quivered slightly as she held back the temptation to rip his arm off, but she quickly cleared her throat and kept her smile up, awkwardly leaning against Kaneki. Ayato was about to comment on her strange behaviour, but he was distracted by the sinister look this ‘boyfriend’ was giving him.

“What you looking at, you pinstriped bastard?” Ayato huffed as he headed towards the kitchen and away from this said couple.

“I think we fooled him.” Touka pressed her lips together and nodded, stepping a good ten inches away from the demon. When she looked back, he seemed a little hurt at this new distance, his eyes watering - wait, he wasn’t going to cry, was he? “We might as well keep this act up until the contract is done. I don’t want Ayato having any involvement though, got that?”

“Sure sure.” He glanced towards the kitchen, sniffling as he wiped his eyes. “Though it won’t hurt to give my new brother-in-law a friendly greeting.”

“We’re,” Touka shivered, “in a relationship, not married.”

“Ayato, my favourite brother-in-law!”

And just like that, he disappeared around the corner and into the kitchen. Touka took in a deep breath and slumped down onto the couch, rubbing her face with some frustration. The plans she had been setting up for weeks were now in motion, and yet she can’t help but feel hesitant. This demon, despite his first dramatic entrance, seemed like nothing more than some premature boy trying too hard to be something he isn’t. Even so, she had just sold her soul to him. She doesn’t know whether to feel like the dumbest mortal there was or to be somewhat relieved that he won’t have the brains enough to try and trick her into some scheme of his with this contract. Hell, he was even going to cry about the distance she took with their nonexistent ‘relationship.’ He was a demon, right?

Perhaps this was a good time to call Yoriko.

. . .

Ayato watched Kaneki stroll behind him whilst he prepared himself a coffee. He hated this sudden stranger lurking behind him. He supposed this random-ass guy came here to explain this new weird relationship he had with his sister, but he had no intention indulging this guy and as these thoughts ran through Ayato’s head, his stirring quickly grew more violent, the coffee spilling a little onto the counter. Kaneki leaned against the dining table and crossed his arms, eyes narrowed with a mischievous smirk on his lips.

“So, Ayato was it?” He noticed Ayato flinch ever so slightly, his grip tightening around the tablespoon. This should be fun. “I’m sorry to have suddenly walked into you and your sister’s life like this, but I don’t see it as any reason for us to not get along.”

“Sure, we’ll become best friends and start braiding each others hair and painting each others nails.” He mumbled sarcastically and he turned to face Kaneki, only to see him inches away from him and Ayato, startled, jumped back, yelling out as he did so. “The fuck-”

“I would love that!” He turned his head to one side with, what Ayato thought was a poor attempt of, a sweet smile. “But I’m afraid my nails have already been done.” He lifted his hand, each nail painted black with red gems on top, Kaneki filled with the look of pride. “You know, sometimes I even like dressing up as Sasako.”

“S-Sasako?” Ayato tried to reach for his mug, but Kaneki only grabbed his hand and held it between his, nodding with that same disturbing smile.

“Yes, my female counterpart from the days when I was a succubus. But if you’re interested, I can make you a woman too. In more than one-”

“What in God’s name-”

“There is no God.” Kaneki sighed and leaned back, admiring his nails. “Or heaven really, just Hell.” He looked up again, seeing Ayato pale. “And you’re living it right now.”

Ayato’s eyes bulged and he swallowed, wavering in his step with Kaneki raising a brow, waiting for a response. There was a moment of utter and intense silence and Ayato didn’t know whether he should even try to counter what was just said. He really hoped this was just some giant joke against him and he thought this as a nonbeliever. What was with this guy? His aura, his words - they were all just so wrong. Did his sister hit her head too hard? Was she just that desperate? Ayato simply couldn’t fathom why on this forsaken earth she had to choose the weirdest and creepiest guy there could possibly exist.

With eyes avoiding Kaneki’s, Ayato reached for his mug and hurried away, his legs trembling slightly. Kaneki watched him until he disappeared in his room, Touka coming into the kitchen afterwards, finishing a conversation she was having on the phone. He held in his breath, watching her pour herself some coffee before she switched her phone off and tossed it aside. The world seemed to stop around her, her looks so captivating whilst she prepared herself a coffee, tucking a strand of her hair behind her ear. Kaneki licked his lips, his eyes still set on her as he fidgeted with his hands.

When she turned to face him, he felt his nonexisting heart flutter a little in the void inside him. If he was still an incubus, he’d visit her every night just to admire her magnificent beauty. He didn’t just see that tasteful glow of that fearsome soul within her, he saw this perfect creation of a human-

“Did you paint your nails?” Touka asked with a frown. “What exactly were you doing with my brother?”

“Nails? What nails?” He turned his back to her and turned back quickly, the nails back to normal. Touka glared at them whilst he moved towards her, taking the coffee she had just made and took a sip. “Thanks for the coffee, it’s delicious.”

“Wait, that’s min-”

“Who were you talking to?” He leaned against the counter, taking another sip. She huffed and turned her face away, her fists clenched.

“Yoriko. She’s my friend and a, uh, witch. I wanted her to come round in a short while. Can you manage to behave when she’s around?”

“She won’t even see me. Technically, no other mortal besides you won’t be able to see me unless I feel the need to.” He looked towards Ayato’s door and chuckled into the mug as he lifted it up again. “I have no interest in interacting with some little girl pretending to be a part of a coven.”

Touka would’ve easily went into the argument in how it was all due to Yoriko’s aid that Touka was able to make this mistake of a deal with him at all, but she doubt he’d listen or even have the brains to even comprehend her simple explanation. Instead, she rolled her eyes and yelled at Ayato that there’d be more company coming around, including Hinami who was giving back a book he had conveniently left there. It was unfortunate she was a little too preoccupied at the minute, since she enjoyed pointing out how he always seemed to leave something behind so she can come over once again.

Regardless, she set out more mugs ready for her guests, still watching Kaneki finish off the rest of her coffee.

. . .

“Yoriko, you came here pretty quick.”

“What the hell were you thinking?” Yoriko immediately shook Touka furiously by her shoulders, shoving her into the apartment before kicking the door closed behind her. She continued shaking her as she continued talking. “First of all, what kind of weirdo are you for actually performing this ritual? Second, it actually worked?!”

Touka was a little stunned to hear this from her good friend, Yoriko usually always being the one to believe in such ridiculous things like curses and hexes. Even now, she was clad all in black with her long black jumper that hung off her shoulders, her sheer skirt that went down to her ankles with thigh high boots, a black sunhat and lace choker - along with her black makeup and pale complexion, the only colour about her being her hair. She was the epitome of a goth-like witch. And yet, here she was now, scolding Touka for being the crazy one.

“You’re the one who told me the ritual. Are you telling me you don’t actually believe the shit you tell me?” Touka crossed her arms with a pout, Kaneki chuckling at the situation behind her.

“Well no one actually summons a demon, you know. I thought it’d give you some comfort if you tried to find a solution instead of doing something even more stupid.” She sighed with some frustration rubbing her temples. “So are you saying that you actually, and quite literally, summoned a demon?”

Touka fiddled with the edge of her shirt, biting the bottom of her lip and she glanced behind her at Kaneki, who was sitting on the armrest of the couch, flexing and admiring his biceps, and looked back at Yoriko, her eyes downcasted. Her friend had a stern look to her face, an expression Touka wasn’t used to and even though she was starting to realise that perhaps Yoriko wasn’t as big as a believer as she made out to be, she was clearly concerned, or possibly more frightened, at the possibility that Touka had really accomplished an unimaginable curse. Perhaps...it was best if she continued to keep this secret to herself, just for now.

“I’m sorry, Yoriko, I...I lied.” Touka avoided her eyes and her voice was quieter. “When I was trying to do the ritual, I left the window open and this gust of wind blew through. I overreacted and thought something had happened and I thought I did something so I called-”

“Bullshit, I know when you’re lying!” Yoriko’s firm voice startled Touka, making her more nervous than she was before. What else should she say then?

“Ugh, how dull. Just tell her already.” Kaneki came up from behind and wrapped an arm around her shoulders, Yoriko’s eyes widened at the sight of this new guest she hadn’t noticed before. “I’m Touka’s very own demon. I would shake your hand, but I don’t have much respect for pretenders.”

“You must really hate yourself then.” Touka mumbled, shoving him off. He winced, looking away as he covered his eyes, saying something under his breath along the lines of ‘she knows me so well already.’

“Woah.” Yoriko gasped with some amazement, turning her head to examine the demon before her. She didn’t seemed bothered by his comment, distracted by her curiosity before she looked back at Touka, blinking a few times. “You...You actually did it. You even summoned a handsome one. H-How-”

“I actually chose to be summoned,” Kaneki brushed his hair back, lifting his chin, “don’t be so impressed by the method you chose, I just thought I’d make a more impressive entrance.”

Touka elbowed him whilst snapping at him to shut up for once, already fed up with his cringing statements. Yoriko watched with some wonder at this relationship that has already been established - he was nothing like a demon, or at least one she had imagined, though that shouldn’t really surprise her - but it atleast explained why Touka sounded so confused over the phone. She was probably as lost as Yoriko was right now.

“Well, I guess you really did it then, Touka, but I don’t think I can tell you anymore than what I already did. Shouldn’t the demon explain what you need to know?”

“He’s useless. Anyhow, thanks for coming round anyway, it’s a comfort knowing I won’t be the only delusional one here. I’ll let you know when anything new comes about.”

“You do realise I’m standing right here.” Touka ignored Kaneki and went to hug Yoriko, leading her back to the door. “The mortals have no respect for their elders these days.”

As Yoriko and Touka bid their goodbyes, another girl, a petite looking brunette with these wide wondrous eyes, said hello to the two girls before Touka told her Ayato was moping in his room. She nodded and headed inside, looking past Kaneki and headed towards the teenage boy’s door, book in hand and a radiant smile on her face. However, as she walked past the demon, she felt a chill go through her, looking back to see nothing more than the living room. With a slight frown, she turned back and knocked on Ayato’s door.

He immediately opened his door, pulling Hinami into his room and she let out a small surprised yelp, his head sticking out to glare at Kaneki. Kaneki cheerfully waved back enthusiastically, telling Ayato not to make too much noise and a bright red blush erupted on the poor boy’s cheeks, his head disappearing back into the room as he slammed the door shut.

Touka walked back in, taking Kaneki’s breath away - if he had hypothetically had lungs in the first place - and she stood still for a moment, seemingly trying to gather her thoughts. The way her face scrunched up slightly with a frown and her hand on her chin was almost too cute to take seriously, Kaneki sighing to himself as he admired her beauty.

“You’re blushing.” Touka noted, though she didn’t seem all too flattered. “That’s, uh, odd for a demon. You are a demon, right?”

“You dare question that after seeing my demonic form whilst forming a contract with me.” He tutted and stepped towards her, leaning down until his face was merely a few inches away. Touka tensed up, trying to back away but found that she was cornered against a wall. “Even after selling your soul to me, you seem a little too comfortable in my presence. We might have to fix that.”

“And how do you plan to do that?” Touka narrowed her eyes, showing no fear at the demon that towered over her. He seemed a little shocked for a moment, but his smile returned, licking his lips slowly. “Well?”

“I...Don’t know, I didn’t plan this far.” He averted his eyes and awkwardly cleared his throat, stepping back. Touka wasn’t even surprised. It had only been literally over an hour and he was already this predictable. It was just sad. “It’s pretty late and you mortal’s are always so weak, you should go to sleep so we can start this deal tomorrow morning.”

“It’s only eight-”

“Well I’m tired! Goodnight!”

She winced when he slammed the door shut, not willing to go and argue with him that demons shouldn’t need to sleep. He seemed flustered, unusually so, but she couldn’t really care less and went to check if Hinami was staying the night. Though, like she tried to tell Kaneki, it was still pretty early, Touka did feel exhausted. This whole fiasco had drained all her energy with the confusion and uncertainty of the situation. She had to face facts though; she was now in a contract with a demon, no matter how useless he appeared himself to be, and it was now time to seek out the killers of her mother and father. The price was high, but she was certain this was the path she wanted to go down and if she had a change of heart...Well, it didn’t matter now. What’s done is done and she can’t turn back.

. . .

She stirred in her sleep, tugging the covers tighter around her and Kaneki couldn’t help but smile at the sight. Despite his previous claim, he didn’t actually need to sleep and since he never actually asked anything from Touka, like he should have, he had nothing better to do than stick around and wait. He was tempted to bully Ayato whilst he slept, the permanent marker right there for the taking, but he was more eager to come up with new deep monologues as he observed the one beauty in this disgusting realm.

It was almost like he wasn’t the demon he was cursed to be but the angel he began as, her voice, her eyes, everything about her adding a new light into him that he had thought he had forgotten so long ago. It was strange, to say the least, but it wasn’t unpleasant. If anything, it only made him more eager to be around her, to continue feeling this nostalgic warmth. It was...comforting.

Kaneki finished typing up the rest of this monologue he just mentally said to himself on the typewriter that levitated in front of him, reading it through the small paragraph with a satisfied nod before adding the page into the manuscript where he kept all the other monologues he wrote. He started typing again, ready to write more about how much he loved being around the human until he felt something hit his face, pulling away his attention.

Touka leaned up against her arm, a sour look on her tired face and her hair messed up in all places. She had thrown her pillow at him, annoyed by the loud typing he was doing and she pointed straight at the door, his eyes following the direction of her finger with eyes of a kicked puppy. He pouted and got up, taking himself and the typewriter to the living room. However, as he walked through the dark apartment, he almost dropped his typewriter bumping into someone in front of him. He expected Ayato, but when he finally stepped back and examined the face in front of him, he saw it was someone not as handsome.

“Oh, it’s you, Furuta.” Kaneki grimaced and the other demon responded with a toothy grin. “What are you doing here? I’m not hunting, I have an actual contract now.”

“I know. Everyone knows. Do you want to know why everyone knows?” Furuta’s smile became strained with seriousness and anger. “Because you just majorly fucked up the whole underworld department!”

Kaneki winced and leaned back, a vicious scowl casted across Furuta’s human-disguised face. He wasn’t going to ask why the department down below was once again infuriated with Kaneki’s ways of working, especially after the stern lecture given by Satan himself (otherwise known as Ishida when in human form) but he doubt Furuta would spare him on the scolding he was about to give after going through the trouble of finding him. So instead, he placed his typewriter aside and stood there timidly as Furuta paced back and forth, angrily rubbing his head and flicking back his fringe.

“You messed up everything, I didn’t even know that was possible. First, you encounter a human simply because they did some wannabe ritual. I mean, she didn’t even use real blood and you still encountered her, unbelievable.” His voice grew louder with every word. “And then you skip the whole process of making a contract. Do you know how much paperwork we have to do because of your need to act ‘cool’? You didn’t even tell the poor girl about the insurance fee!”

He then sighed and faced Kaneki, his expression changing from anger to sheer disappointment. Oh boy, here comes the speech...

“Three months, Reaper, three months we trained you!” Kaneki was already losing interest, the words for this particular speech still fresh in his memory. But he let Furuta continue with his insistent pacing. “When you fell from heaven, crippled and crying, all the other demons told me to turn you away, but I, Furuta Nimura, took you in as my own and trained you to be the rightful fledgling demon I knew you were destined to be.” Kaneki was now off in a tangent, his eyes drifting to a bird at the windowsill. “N-Now I know you mixed with the wrong crowd and some may even have the audacity to suggest that you simply fell from a cloud instead of being banished from heaven, but even so, I saw potential!” Kaneki was mesmerised with the bird. “I would raise you to be the catalyst for us to bring the apocalypse to this world and- ey, are you listening?”

He snapped his fingers in front of Kaneki’s face, pulling him out of his trance. He shook his head as his eyes focused back on Furuta, who was even angrier than before. Kaneki gave him a poor attempt of an apologetic smile and Furuta tugged him by the ear and dragged him down the hall to Touka’s door.

“It’s because of her, isn’t it? You do realise as a demon you can’t love humans, right? Like, it’s not even physically possible.” Kaneki knew he should’ve lied and just reassured this makeshift mother of his and this wasn’t the case but he simply shrugged with downcast eyes, looking back up to see Furuta’s eyes shimmer a hellish red. “Do you remember last time when you broke the devil’s code?”

“No, please, not the slipper!” Kaneki already held up his hands up in surrender, the usual pink fluffy slipper Furuta stole from a hotel once appearing in hand. He knew he couldn’t escape now, no matter how far he ran. This was it, this was the moment of judgement, the final frontier. “I’m sorry!”

“Fucking hell, do you ever shut up?!” Touka’s door swung open and she stood there, armed with a pillow and a menacing glare. She stared at Kaneki, his hands raised over his head and he stared back, trying not to focus on how cute she looked in her nightie. He straightened and brushed his hair back, silently pleading Furuta for mercy as he stood there with an amused smirk, the slipper still in hand. “I’m trying to sleep,” Touka stepped forward, jabbing her finger at his chest, “and you can’t seem to stop crying like a little bitch.”

“But hey, at least I’m a bad bitch-”

“Don’t even try to wink.” Furuta chuckled to himself as he watched Kaneki give a pathetic apology to his new owner.

“I managed to convince the department that I’d give you a suitable punishment for all the havoc you created, but it seems your new owner is enough to set you straight.” He patted Kaneki’s shoulder in sympathetic mockery whilst Touka continued grumbling to herself, heading back to her room. “Even so, I might just stick around, you know, to check you’re not making it even harder for us office types. I’m sure I won’t mind watching you be dragged on a leash by your own weird way of admiring those mortals, especially this one.”

Kaneki couldn’t say anymore as Furuta slowly faded into dust and once he was completely gone, he laid down on the couch and hugged his knees, grateful that he at least didn’t have to go through the slipper slapping again. Sniffing quietly to himself, he sat there throughout the rest of the night mentally reciting the monologues he written that day and the new pickup lines he knew would use to sway Touka to fall for him.

He’ll show them all that he was capable...at something.

[thomasgmcelwain]

Genesis 31

Genesis 31

1 He heard the words of Laban's sons,

Who said "Jacob has taken tons

Of wealth that was our father's and

From what was his enriched his hand."

2 And Jacob saw the countenance

Of Laban was no longer glance

Of favour as it was before.

If blood is thicker far than water is,

A penny is much thicker than the both.

So when it came to an issue of his

Rights to the well, then Laban made an oath

Of kinship. Now that flocks and herds and wealth

Come in between, kinship steps out in stealth.

With what magical, superstitious ways

Did Jacob seek to breed the sheep and glaze

His fortune! My Beloved, keep me from going

In human ways so bluntly far from knowing,

And where I do follow a human rhyme,

Treat me like Jacob and bless for the time.

Deliver me from both my foolish claims

And also from those who have means and aims.

3 Then YHWH said this on Jacob's score,

"Return to the land and the place

Where your ancestors walked in grace

And to your family, and I

Will be with you." 4 So Jacob aye

Sent and called Rachel and her sister

Leah to the field, to his flock,

5 And said to them, "I see a blister

Here from your father's face, a rock

Not toward me as before, but still

My father's God's been with me till

This day. 6 "And you know that with all

My strength I've served your father's call.

7 "Yet your father has deceived me

And changed my wages ten times, but

Ælohim let no hurt touch me.

8 "If he said thus: 'The speckled shall

Be your wages,' then every belle

Of all the herds and flocks bore speckled.

And if he said thus: 'Let the freckled

And the streaked be your wages,' then

All the flocks bore streaked for the men.

9 "So Ælohim took stock away

From your father and gave me sway.

If Jacob thought his machinations with

The speckled whithes and stakes were not a myth,

But that his clever doings brought him wealth

In sheep and goat as well as in good health,

Is it not vain hypocrisy to thank

You, my Beloved, for what he had in bank?

Perhaps not. Rather every act of man

And woman is, if good and goodness can,

Your own act. All things good and true aspire

To come from You and in Your name's desire

Are fashioned by the shadows we call men.

There's nothing done by humankind for good

But is Your own, and if not then is hood

Of nothingness. I flee to You again.

10 "It happened, at the time when flocks

Conceived, I lifted up my eye

And saw a dream, not of an ox,

But leaping rams that jumped up high

Upon the flocks were streaked, and speckled,

And grey-spotted, not to be heckled.

11 "Then the Angel of Ælohim

Spoke to me once more in a dream,

Saying 'Jacob.' And I said 'Here

I am.' 12 "And He said 'Do not fear,

Lift your eyes now and behold all

The rams which leap and those that fall

Upon the flocks with streak and speckle,

And grey-spotted, worth goodly shekel,

For I have seen all Laban's doing

To you. 13 'I am the God that's cuing

You from Bethel, where you anointed

The pillar, made a vow appointed

To Me. Now get up, and get out

Of this land, and return, no doubt,

To the land of your own family.'"

14 Then Rachel and Leah replied

And said to him, "Is there beside

Still any portion or heirloom

Found for us in our father's room?

15 "Are we not strangers before him?

He's sold us, and what is more dim,

Consumed our money every bit,

Till nothing at all's left of it.

16 "For all these riches that were taken

By Ælohim from him forsaken,

From our father, are really ours,

And our children's and children's flowers.

Now then, what Ælohim has said

Do so, and by your God be led."

Naive, perhaps, to see in every dream

Of mine of jumping goat and ram and stream

A witness from You, My Beloved, to say

That what I want to do is the right way:

I think it would be clearer and more certain

A matter of Your will without a curtain

Or veil of vain desire if You revealed

That what I want to do has been repealed.

I'm surest that the act I do is free

If it is not a thing I'd wantonly

Choose for myself, and yet I choose the doing.

The free to follow passion is construing

A thralldom as an empty liberty.

My will is Yours, Beloved, and then I'm free.

17 Then Jacob rose and set his sons

And wives on camels, they're the ones

18 That carried away all his goods

And livestock through both fields and woods,

What he had gained, his herds and sheep

Gained in Padan Aram to keep,

To go to his father Isaac

In Canaan's land. 19 Now Laban's track

Led him to shear his sheep, the while

Rachel had stolen one big pile

Of household idols of her father.

20 And Jacob stole away, no bother

To tell Laban the Syrian,

Of his intention when he ran.

21 So he fled with all that he had.

He rose and crossed, like Galahad,

The river towards mounts Gilead.

If Jacob thought that he was doing right,

Why did he not go openly in light?

Did he think Laban might restrain him after

All he had done in service, tears and laughter?

Perhaps, and with good reason for the doubt.

Then too, one need not act with din and shout.

The household gods reveal how near the well

Of heathen worship good men love to dwell.

Times do not change, and neither do their men.

I've hidden idols still I'm loath again

To leave behind to seek a promised land.

Like Jacob, I too love to flee at night

And give no reason for my show of right.

Give me, Beloved, the emptiness to stand.

22 And Laban was told on the third

Day Jacob fled without a word.

23 Then he took his brothers with him

And pursued him for seven days,

He overtook him in his vim

In the mountains of Gilead.

24 But Ælohim had His own ways,

Came to Laban the Syrian

In a dream in the night he had,

And said to him, "Be careful, man,

To speak to Jacob good nor bad."

I flee from confrontation, too, Beloved,

And often fail the hawk for being doved,

And like shy Jacob turn my frantic flight

Toward Bethel, yet stumble in the night.

If your speaking to me is just illusion,

I pray prostrated here in life's confusion

That Your night warnings to the ones who seize

My footprints to do me the wrong might freeze

Their burning hearts and turn their passioned hate

To good-will for this doubtful deviate.

Do this, Beloved, and I too shall repent

That I had stolen their gods when I went.

Warn not the righteous of the foul intention,

But break the onslaught and the crowd's invention.

25 Laban caught up to Jacob, who

Had pitched his tent along the hills,

And Laban with his brothers too

Pitched in the hills of Gilead.

26 And Laban asked Jacob, "What ills

Have you done to me, and what bad

Thing that you steal away unknown

To me, and carried off alone

My daughters like captives with sword?

27 "Why did you flee, a thing deplored,

So secretly, and steal away

From me, without a word to say,

And not tell me, I might have sent

You out with joy and songs well spent,

With timbrel and with harp? 28 "And you

Did not let me kiss them adieu,

My sons and daughters. Now you do

Foolishly in this thing. 29 "It's in

My hand's god to do you harm's sin,

But God of your father told me

Last night, and spoke and said to be

Careful to speak to Jacob nor

Good nor bad. 30 "You have found the door

Surely because you greatly long

For father's house, and not for wrong,

But what did you steal my gods for?"

The predator is always injured by

The insult of the prey's escape. Defy

Not predator or he will weep. His heart

Is softer than I think, Beloved. Your art

Made lamb and lion in the raw or in

The flesh and blood inside the human skin.

The stalking predator has his own grin

To mask the wrong. He always has his sights

On something else, until he takes his rights

In one quick pouncing and surprise. Indeed,

His claws are hidden by the harp, they feed

On certain prey alone, but in their need

They are as soft as stone. Beloved, let me

Scape that claw to be your gratuity.

31 Then Jacob answered and said to

Laban, "Because I was afraid,

And told myself that perhaps you

Would take your daughters as your due

From me by force.' 32 "With whomsoever

You find your gods, then you may sever

His life. In presence of our brothers,

Show what I have of yours or others

And take it with you." For Jacob

Did not know that, and there's the rub,

Rachel stole them. 33 And Laban went

Into Jacob's then Leah's tent,

And into the two maids' tents too,

But did not find. Then he went out

Of Leah's tent and went into

The tent of Rachel for a rout.

34 Now Rachel had taken the gods,

The household idols made of clods,

And put them in the camel's saddle,

And sat on them. And Laban's paddle

About the tent turned up no clue.

35 And she said to her father, "Do

Not be displeased that I cannot

Rise up before my lord, as ought,

Since manner of women's on me."

He searched about diligently

But did not find the household idols.

Beloved and Father, search my fleshly tent,

Leave hiding place revealed, and all veils rent,

But find the last of clay and household gods

And crush them under foot and iron rods.

Whirl round the bleeding saddle where I sit,

Helpless as I remain in exquisite

Denial of my fault, and in that turning

Leave every false god in my heart there burning.

The fire of love and wrath are one to me,

But let its flames arising set me free

From every self and every vain desire,

Seven times purified in gates of fire.

I rise to whirl and leave my scorner's chair

To find that only You are everywhere.

36 Then angry Jacob took the bridles,

Rebuked Laban, Jacob replied,

And said to Laban "Be my guide

And say what's my trespass and sin,

That you so hotly, in such din

Pursued me. 37 "Although you have searched

All my things, my name's unbesmirched.

Now what things of yours have you found?

Set it here before yours and mine,

Between these brothers on the ground,

That they may judge who pays the fine!

38 "These twenty years I've been with you,

Your ewes and female goats, not few,

Have not miscarried their young, I

Have not eaten the rams set by

From your flock. 39 "That which was torn I

Did not bring to you, I bore loss.

You took from me, I had to toss

In from my own to make it up,

By morning crust or evening sup.

40 "There I was! In the day the drought

Consumed me, and by night was caught

In frost, and my sleep left my eyes.

41 "Thus I have been without reprise

In your house twenty years, I served

You fourteen years and never swerved,

For your two daughters, and six years

For your flock, and for what appears

You have changed my wages ten times.

42 "Unless the God of my grandfather,

The God of Abraham sometimes,

And the Fear of Isaac, had rather

Been with me, surely now you would

Have sent me empty in the wood.

Ælohim saw my troubled labour

And last night rebuked you the neighbour."

Who knows what hidden plots lie under all

The calls to justice, who is short and tall

Before the judgement eye that You lay on

The midnight treachery and on the dawn.

Fault lies in human actions that seek gain

And in their seeking lay a mask in vain

On every face. Jacob was brave to say

What hurts had festered twenty years to day,

Because he thought he was more innocent

Than he was really in his wife's back tent.

Make me, Beloved, more humble in my cry

Against oppressor, less inclined to try

My innocence against other illusion.

All human things begin and end confusion.

43 And Laban answered Jacob, saying

"These daughters are my daughters, and

These children are my children staying,

And these flocks are my flocks that stand,

All that you see is mine. But what

Can I do this day to begot

Of me or to whom they have borne?

44 "Now therefore, come, let us be sworn

In covenant, both you and I,

Witness between us under sky."

Illusion of wrongness in Laban makes

Him gentle for his daughters' children's sakes.

The ploy is always useful, whether as

Intended or unplanned as this one was.

The victim's always wrong, the hero stands

With spoils in cart and unwashed, bloody hands.

I turn from right and wrong in all their veils

And seek Your face alone where justice pales

Before reality. I lift a song

Made of Your name alone that knows no wrong.

Let market and the battle field both swear

To be comrades in action everywhere.

I eat and drink and bathe me once a week,

And leave the grasping to the ones who seek.

45 So Jacob took a stone and set

It up a pillar. 46 Then he told

His brothers, Jacob did, to get

More stones. And all of them took hold

Of stones to bring and make a pile,

On top of which they ate a while.

47 And Laban had a name to give

The place, Jegar Sahadutha,

Jacob, less imaginitive,

Called it Galeed. 48 And Laban saw

And said "This heap is witness here

Between you and me this day clear."

Therefore its name was called Galeed,

49 Also Mizpah, since he decreed

"May YHWH watch between you and me

When we are absent mutually.

The stones and standing pillars set with names

Are all that humans have to make their claims.

With signatures and promises men prove

That utterance alone can never move

The human heart to loyalty and truth.

My prowess is expressed in beads and stays

And contracts lest I be caught up in ruth.

The witnesses on witness steel my days.

Beloved, I turn to You with only breath,

A single word to council before death,

And rise to find above the pillars song

And that the day as well as night is long.

Our whisperings are mutual when said.

You speak and I become and take the bread.

50 "If you afflict my daughters, or

If you take other wives before

My daughters, although no man is

With us, see, Ælohim has His

Witness between the both of us

To see if we're contrarious!"

51 Then Laban said to Jacob, "Here

Is this heap which I am sincere,

And pillar, in placing between

The both of us, which may be seen

52 "This witness heap and pillar that

Is a witness, from where I'm at

I will not pass beyond this heap

Nor shall you, while we wake or sleep,

To do the other harm. 53 "The God

Of Abraham, of Nahor, God

Of their father judge between us."

And Jacob swore, commodious,

And by his father Isaac's Dread.

54 Then Jacob offered up instead

A sacrifice on the mountain,

And called his brothers to eat bread.

And they ate bread and stayed therein

All night long upon the mountain.

55 And early in the morning rose

Up Laban, kissed his sons and chose

To kiss his daughters, blessed them all.

Then Laban left, went home withal.

The contract that is basic in men's lives

Is not the one that rises in beehives.

Suffice to man another will not harm

His life and wife and child and cattle farm.

Belovèd, You are just the Dread that keeps

The equal in invading strength from sweeps

Into full warfare. There's no shadow more

Of You in human thoughts from aft to fore.

The only dread that rises when the power

Is unequal is that invasion's hour

Is not postponed, but dread of attack comes

To release the impoverished of their sums.

I rise up early to kiss You and go.

Belovèd, do not let my weakness show.

[cold-b-writing]

Bound Together: Part 2

Utadukeeus: Habriel woke up and looked down to where he put his clothes. He got out of bed and stretched, looking for the hole in his shirt. However, he noticed that his shirt was sewn and his clothes washed. Changing into them, he slowly walked downstairs. Looking over into the kitchen, he saw Toriel cooking scrambled eggs for Frisk. Who was waiting patiently for their meal. She turned around and smiled at him. "Good morning, child." she said. "What would you like for breakfast?" "I really don't want to be a burden....." Habriel said. "I feel bad about causing you all so much drama." "Nonsense, child." Toriel replied. "You needed help and we just so happened to have found you. What would you like for breakfast?" "I guess.....I'll take an omelette." he said. "Just a cheese omelette." "Of course!" she said smiling. "We can ask you some questions while you eat." Skywardsister: "Okay," Habriel responded hesitantly, taking an empty seat near Frisk at the table. Frisk munched on their scrambled eggs and waved at him, and he waved back, smiling slightly. "Mom makes great omelettes! I hope you like yours!" "Yeah," Habriel nodded sheepishly. He wondered why these people were being so nice to him. Toriel hummed away, preparing the child's breakfast. Utadukeeus: Toriel sat across from him at the table. "So, what caused that?" Toriel asked, pointing out his stab wound. "I...." he started. "These people were chasing me, cornered me in a cave. One lifted me up in the air and stabbed me, then threw me in the hole. You know the rest of the story..." "Why were they chasing you?" she asked. "I....did something they didn't like." Habriel said. "What was it?" she pried. The boy looked down at his plate. "They're a bunch of priests. One of them, was especially cruel. He would beat us, whip us and do....other horrible things.... I......I killed him. And I ran away." Tears started trickling down his cheeks, and he made a light sob. "They were not nice people." he concluded. Skywardsister: Frisk listened intently to Habriel's tale, sitting silently. They wondered how Habriel's fate led straight to them; Habriel fell into the arms of those he needed most. A family. Toriel watched the boy closely as well. Utadukeeus: "But, I always had an elder sister. Before I was sold off. She always told me things like killing was wrong." he insisted. "I don't know anymore. They were horrible people, and they wanted to hurt me." he looked at Toriel dead in her eyes. He was a very confused boy. "Am I a horrible person for that?" Skywardsister: "Oh, my child," Toriel moved over to him with a hand at her chest, pained. "Yes, killing is wrong, but you were defending yourself," She hugged him. "You did nothing wrong." Frisk finished their breakfast and solemnly rose from the table and placed their plate and silverware in the sink. They continued listening. Utadukeeus: He hugged her back, tightly gripping her robes. Toriel could feel the tears rub off onto her robes. "It just.....there were more people. And I left them.... I don't know what to do. Should I go back?" Skywardsister: Frisk returned to their seat nearby and wished to comfort him and offer advice, but that was being covered by Toriel already. Toriel looked at the boy's face after he asked the question. "It's too dangerous for you to try to go back to a place like that, child. There may have been others, but you were getting hurt, and it's okay that you escaped. There's not much that you can do for them. I'm sorry." Utadukeeus: There was a loud knock at the door. "calm down, bro." Sans' muffled voice said from outside. "you might scare 'em off." "I CAN'T WAIT ANY LONGER BROTHER!" Papyrus said. "ANOTHER HUMAN FELL INTO THE UNDERGROUND AND MUST BE GIVEN THE BEST WELCOME THEY CAN GET. AND THERE IS NO GREATER WELCOME THAN THE ONE THAT I, THE GREAT PAPYRUS CAN GIVE!" "if you say so, bro." Sans said. "just don't go too crazy, remember this is tori's house. this isn't a place for numb skulls." "UGH!" Papyrus exclaimed. "DON'T YOU EVER GET TIRED OF MAKING THOSE JOKES?" Skywardsister: "Oh!" Frisk stood immediately at hearing the muffled yet loud voices from outside the house. The voices were approaching the door, and Toriel nodded to Frisk, saying that they could go greet the skeleton brothers. "Hey guys!" Frisk opened the door as they came up to it. "HELLO, FRISK! HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT THE NEW HUMAN THAT FELL DOWN?" The tall skeleton greeted Frisk brightly with a wide smile and wave of the hand. Utadukeeus: "Of course I did, silly." Frisk said. She pointed in the kitchen. "He stayed the night with us! He's over there in the kitchen." "EXCELLENT, I CAN'T WAIT TO GREET HIM!" Papyrus said. "Papyrus, I don't think that's a goo-" before Toriel could finish, the tall skeleton was already in the kitchen. "GREETINGS HUMAN!" Papyrus shouted. They boy jumped from the chair, startled and fell to the ground. "THE GREAT PAPYRUS FORMALLY WELCOMES YOU TO THE UNDERGROUND! WE'RE ALL GONNA HAVE SO MUCH FUN TOGETHER! BROTHER AND I CAN MAKE PUZZLES...AND...AND YOU AND FRISK CAN SOLVE THEM AND-" Habriel quickly wiped away the tears. "Good morning?" "I SEE." Papyrus squinted. "YOU WERE SO HAPPY WITH MY WELCOME THAT YOU CRIED TEARS OF JOY! OH, I KNOW WE'RE GONNA BE GREAT FRIENDS!" "are you sure about that, bro?" Sans said, slowly walking in the kitchen. "good to see you alive and kicking kid. you had us dead worried last night." "Oh, its you again." Habriel said. "Its a good thing you came last night when you did. Otherwise it wouldn't be such a good mourning." "FORGET IT!" Papyrus exclaimed. "THIS ISN'T A GOOD MORNING ANYMORE! THE LAST THING I NEED IS YET ANOTHER PERSON WITH A DULL SENSE OF HUMOR!" Skywardsister: "Aw, Papyrus, don't go!" Frisk groaned, being dragged by the royal guard-in-training's cape. "You've barely met him!" Papyrus groaned and turned, swinging the clinging child around. "OKAY, FRISK. I'LL STAY," He rolled his eyes at his lazy-bones brother. Utadukeeus: Habriel slowly got up and politely bowed to Sans. "Seriously though, if it weren't for you, Frisk and Toriel. I would have bleed to death. Thank you for saving my life. I'm very grateful and hope I can repay my debt to all of you." Sans gave a slight grin. No one has ever bowed to him before. "no worries, kid." he said. "you don't owe me anything." "Really." Toriel insisted. "You don't owe us anything. We're happy to help." "Lady Toriel, I know we haven't known each other for a long time. But..." he looked up at her. "My real mother would never pay attention to me. My father was always gambling and my mother was always drunk. The only person taking care of me was my sister. What I'm trying to say is that, I never had a motherly figure in my life before you. A real motherly figure. So I was wondering, can I call you mother?" Skywardsister: Tears welled in the goat mother's eyes, and she was touched. Her hands fluttered to her mouth and then to wipe her tears away in excitement. "Yes, my child! Of course you can call me 'mother!'" She hugged him once again, happy that he lived through his ordeal, and sad over the child's past experiences. Utadukeeus: He hugged back, smiling. He had never known such kindness in life. "What happened to your sister?" Frisk asked curiously. "Child, please be patient." Toriel said. "Its okay, mother." Habriel said. He turned to Frisk. "I don't remember much. She fell ill and we took her to a doctor. I think he said something like 'Stage Four Liver Cancer'. She....passed away and that's when my parents sold me." Skywardsister: Frisk's expression drooped at his words. So did Toriel's. "I'm so sorry, child..." Frisk nodded, agreeing with their mom's statement. They didn't know how to console Habriel. Utadukeeus: "Its okay." Habriel said. "As far as I'm concerned. You, mother, Sans and Papyrus. You're my family now." he said smiling. "I think that's what she would want." Skywardsister: Each of them smiled at Habriel, happy to be called his family. Suddenly, Papyrus yanked Frisk's and Habriel's arms and lifted them up to stand by him. "I HAVE A GREAT IDEA! MISS TORIEL, CAN I GIVE HIM A TOUR OF THE UNDERGROUND?" Habriel was slightly jarred by the sudden motion, but smiled up at the bubbly skeleton. Toriel looked at Habriel for confirmation, and he nodded. "Sure." Utadukeeus: "Before you leave however, child." Toriel said. "Do you like cinnamon pie, or butterscotch pie?" "Oh, my favorite pie?" Habriel asked. "My sister used to make a very good pecan pie, that was always my favorite." "But, you wouldn't turn your nose to cinnamon or butterscotch, would you?" she asked. "Oh, no. Of course not." Habriel said. "I'm sure that your pies will come out as delicious." "Well." she laughed. "It seems I can't hide much from you." "we'll be back by the end of the day." Sans said. "see you then, tori." "YES!" Papyrus exclaimed. "I CAN'T WAIT TO SHOW YOU AROUND! SANS, WHERE DO YOU THINK WE SHOULD GO FIRST?" "Wait a second, guys." Habriel laughed. "I haven't eaten yet."