#we love casting great blizzard

[cat-loving-elf]

"The tale of Scrumptious the Lizzard continues"

Scrumptious be destroyin sages

before him tremble great mages

that great blizzard's totally meta

unlike summoning a cheetah

Scrumptious likes the chicken tender

he becoming a Wizzer Council offender

lizzard wizzard rights defender

absolute unit and fight mender

he's destroying elder wizzards

with his multiple blizzards

winning every duel he starts

he doesn't split his magic into parts

he's all in for the great blizzard

I hope no counter is made by a wizzard

[george-weasleys-girl]

you asked and i deliver, here is my yuletide request…

Can you do one with George and forced proximity (like they get snowed in together and can’t leave) and get so fed up with each other and end up confessing their feelings to each other and make it all fluffy and everything?

thank you. you are so lovely and i love your writing style. it makes me so happy.

❄️Yuletide Celebration❄️

Middle of Nowhere

Warnings: couple of curse words

George Weasley x you

~•~

It seemed like a good idea at the time. Renting a cottage with a group of old friends from Hogwarts for a little Christmas celebration. Then, when George asked if you'd like to ride with him, you jumped at the chance. You'd barely seen your best friend since the start of the Christmas rush, and you missed hanging out with him.

Besides, you'd be at the Burrow on Christmas evening anyway, and the two of you could just leave together the next morning. It just made logical sense.

It had nothing to do with the fact that your feelings had gone beyond friendship. Nope. Not at all.

Now, here, the two of you sat in his broken down car, in the middle of nowhere, in the middle of a blizzard.

"There's nothing you can do?" You asked when George got back into the car.

He sighed. "I've tried everything I can think of, magical and muggle. And nothing works."

"Great..." You huffed.

"Sorry," he muttered. "I forgot to fill the gas tank up."

You turned and stared at him. "Wait, are you saying we're stuck on the side of the road in the middle of a blizzard because we ran out of gas?!"

"I said I was sorry!" He snapped.

"Hey, don't get all pissy with me! I'm not the one who fucked up here!"

"I'm not getting pissy with you!"

"Well, it sure as hell sounds like it!"

George rubbed a hand over his face. "Look, I'm sorry," he said, his voice softer. "I was just so excited to finally spend some time alone with you. I just wanted it to be fun and romantic. So I - "

"Romantic?" You stared at him wide-eyed.

George went very still, eyes focused on the steering wheel.

"Is there something you're not telling me, George?"

He didn't move a muscle.

"George?" You leaned closer to him.

"I... um... maybe," he stammered.

"Maybe?"

George chewed on his lip, still refusing to even glance in your direction.

You rolled your eyes. "You either have something to tell me or you don't."

"Fine!" He snapped. "I like you! Alot. Alot more than as a friend! Happy now?"

Actually, yes, you were. You put your fingers under his chin, turning his face toward you.

And then you kissed him.

It took him a second to realize what was happening, and then his lips melted into yours.

It might've been an hour or a minute when you pulled apart. "I like you too," you smiled.

"I... yeah... I just noticed that," he grinned, his eyes shining bright. "So, uh, what now?"

"Well, we can't get the car started, but we can keep it warm," you flicked your wand, casting a warming spell. "And we've got food and drinks, thanks to Molly. Why don't we relax and talk about us liking each other?"

"And maybe make out a little?" George asked with cheeky grin.

"Or a lot," you matched his grin and pulled him in for another kiss.

~•~

@milivanili99 @fancy-pantaloons @turvi @zvummyummy @xmjthewitchx @pansexualwitchwhoneedstherapy @georgie-weasley @samberriejams @nighttimemoonlover @jsjcue @wzrd-wheezes @mrsgweasley @hufflepuffie @morally-grey-obsessed @fredweasleyyyyy @anvaaryn @samshifts @asuperconfusedgirl @hmisa11 @superduckmilkshake @mysticsheepsoul @gemofthenight @1lellykins @junerprsh @sierraluvz @wolfkill16 @kaysau2510 @qmylovexoxo @planetkt @costheticbabe @drama-queen-fromthevault @smallsweetvanillabean @hanne-montana @greenapplegrass @el-de-phi @lizzytrees @scooby-doo1995 @spididerman @yoursarahg @marvelgirlstories @theimpossible-girl-whowaited @ceehance @Havenater1920 @jelloangela @charmedfandomgal @loca4moony @whotfskai @netflix-addict @lunacurlclaw

[miss-musings]

Analyzing the Allegories in The Bad Batch Episode 3.05 "The Return"

I know a lot of folks out there love analyzing the metaphors and allegories in The Bad Batch Episode 2.09 "The Crossing." (This video has a great breakdown! I highly recommend it.) It really dives into Tech's psyche, his autism (or the Star Wars equivalent of it) and his bond with Omega.

And, as much as I love that episode, I have to admit: I love Episode 3.05 "The Return" even more so for a lot of the same reasons people love "The Crossing." It really dives into Crosshair's psyche, his trauma and his bond with his family (especially Hunter).

Both episodes are so rich and layered, giving us a lot of time for introspection in an otherwise fast-paced, action-packed show.

I'd like to present two allegorical readings for "The Return." While there is some overlap, they ultimately have major contrasts and reinterpret some moments very differently. They ultimately hinge on whether you want to interpret the Wyrm as a good thing or a bad thing.

Thus, you may prefer one over the other, or maybe you'll like both. Feel free to leave your thoughts in the comments/reblogs!

Author's Note: This will end up being the second part of a much longer analysis I want to write about 3.05 "The Return." But, this second part about the allegories wasn't as time-consuming as I imagine Part 1 about the character beats/analysis will be, so I'm tackling it first. Once I've written Part 1, I'll update this intro section with a link. Cheers!

Allegory #1: The Wyrm is a Good Thing

The one overlapping point between both of these allegorical interpretations is that the Outpost base represents Crosshair, mainly his heart.

Like the Outpost, Crosshair was abandoned by the Empire. He served his purpose and was cast aside, set adrift. Now, he is alone, isolated and purposeless.

Additionally, Crosshair carries Mayday in his heart (which is something TBB composers recently confirmed on Twitter), and the Outpost is home to the last remnant's of Mayday and the other clones -- their helmets.

But while he carries memories of Mayday, Tech and other clones in his heart, he doesn't have anyone actively in his life. Just as the Outpost doesn't have anyone actively stationed there anymore.

Now, under Allegory #1, the snow represents Crosshair's trauma.

Just as the snow has covered the Outpost, Crosshair has been buried in trauma -- from many things, but especially from his experiences in 2.12 "The Outpost" and from his time on Tantiss.

The snow is emblematic of his trauma because the last time he was on Barton IV, he and Mayday are nearly buried in an avalanche and then they have to fight their way back through the snow-covered terrain, in a blizzard. While it isn't actively snowing at the Outpost in 3.05 "The Return," the snow that's covering the base has left it inaccessible.

Arguably, the snow can represent the specific trauma of losing a brother, because Crosshair audibly freaks out when Hunter falls into the crevasse. He's afraid of losing Hunter the same way he lost Mayday. He doesn't want to lose another brother to this planet and its snow.

So, just as the Outpost and Crosshair were both abandoned by the Empire, now they're both buried under the weight of the snow (or what it represents).

Now, enter: The Bad Batch.

Crosshair's family arrive at the Outpost and they take down the perimeter defense at the base. But, under Allegory #1, this is a Good Thing.

Because the Wyrm represents Crosshair's family, love and hope.

You can argue that the Wyrm represents Hunter specifically. They're the only two characters we see in the tunnels, and Crosshair has the remark about "I think I just made it angrier," which applies to both Hunter and the Wyrm at different points in the episode.

You can also argue the Wyrm represents Omega, because it shows up as they're talking about her. Plus, just as the Wyrm ultimately brings Hunter and Crosshair together and forces them to reconcile, so too does Omega. Plus, Hunter's line of "Not alone -- we'll do it together" can apply to facing the Wyrm as much as it does to eventually raising Omega.

But, ultimately, the Wyrm represents Crosshair's family (whether Hunter or Omega specifically) and the love and hope that they bring with them.

In the final shot of the episode, we see that -- even though the snow still covers the Outpost -- we also now see tunnels that the Wyrm created during its attack. They're essentially inlets into and/or outlets out of the Outpost now that weren't there before — a way through the snow.

Now that his family and their love and hope are back in his life, Crosshair has a way out and a way forward in life (or back to his family) that he didn't have before — a way through the trauma. He has their love and support. He has an outlet now.

(P.S. I also just love the idea of his family metaphorically wyrming their way back into his heart. LOL)

Allegory #1 fits better when you put it in the context of 2.12 "The Outpost" and the final scene in 3.05 "The Return."

Crosshair, in a very big character moment for him, takes the initiative and opens up to Hunter.

Crosshair in general, but in this episode specifically, is very closed off. Earlier in the episode, he avoided talking to Hunter, and wasn't forthcoming about his time on Tantiss or his experiences at the Outpost. Part of that is because of his personality, but a lot of it is because of his trauma.

But, at the end of the episode, Crosshair now feels comfortable enough to open up to Hunter. Arguably, he didn't really need to, at least not right then. He and Hunter had reached an equilibrium or understanding after facing the Wyrm together. Whatever anger and resentment they had for each other had dissipated.

Yet Crosshair feels he's ready to and needs to truly reconcile with his brother. Despite everything he's faced, he feels he has an outlet now, and he uses it and basically starts his healing process.

(PS - There’s a great side-by-side comparison of this scene vs. the S1 finale here.)

And, as I said, in the final shot we see the Outpost still covered in snow, but now there are tunnels going into/out of the base. There is now a way out, a way forward.

Allegory #2: The Wyrm is a Bad Thing

Just as in Allegory #1, the Outpost represents Crosshair -- isolated, abandoned and purposeless. But, now we're going to switch gears on what the Bad Batch and the Wyrm represent.

After months of isolation on Tantiss, Crosshair has his guard up. He isn't letting anyone in. He isn't letting anyone save him.

Until Omega.

It's clear from 3.01-3.05 that he has bonded with her in a way he hasn't bonded with anyone since arguably Mayday.

That's because he keeps letting people in, and then failing them and subsequently losing them -- his brothers, especially Tech; then Cody; and then Mayday. It's partly why he pushed Omega away so much on Tantiss. He definitely wanted her to increase her chances of escaping successfully by not risking breaking him out too, but he also didn't want to get emotionally close to her after failing and losing so many other people.

But, thanks to Omega, he escapes Tantiss and reunites with his brothers, and he suggests they go to the Outpost to pull more intel on Tantiss.

Under Allegory #2, by bringing them to Barton IV and the Outpost, Crosshair is inviting them into his heart. And the fact that the group debates whether Omega should go and that it's Omega who ultimately deactivates the sensors is significant.

The Bad Batch, specifically Omega, deactivating the Outpost’s sensors represents how they make Crosshair feel vulnerable again.

Just as the base’s guards were up until they (specifically Omega) deactivated them, so too were Crosshair's guards up until his family (specifically Omega) re-entered his life and his heart.

This is partly why, when Hunter confronts him about betraying their family and then the Empire, Crosshair goes for the proverbial throat by bringing up Hunter's insecurities about failing Omega.

For a combination of reasons, Crosshair is feeling vulnerable for the first time in a long time, and while Hunter had very reasonable concerns and questions, he picked the worst possible moment to confront Crosshair about it.

Enter: the Wyrm.

Under Allegory #2, the Wyrm represents everything that threatens Crosshair and his heart -- whether that's external threats like the Empire or Tantiss, or internal threats like his fear and trauma.

After Crosshair comes face-to-face with the Wyrm, his initial response is to confront it alone. He likely feels guilty for endangering his family by bringing them to the Outpost, and doesn't want to risk failing and subsequently losing them the way he lost Mayday and others.

However, Hunter and the others emphasize that Crosshair can't and shouldn't face the Wyrm alone -- that they have to do it together.

Hunter also says: "Then let's get to it, before it tears this place apart." Crosshair and his family have to work together to protect the base, the same way they have to work together to protect him.

Allegory #2 fits better in the larger context of Season 3, specifically everything that happens after this episode.

Crosshair insists on facing CX-2 alone in 3.07 "Extraction" and would've died if Howzer and the others hadn't saved him. He is alone in 3.11 "Point of No Return" when he misses the shot to track Omega's ship. And he feels like, because of his failures, he needs to spare Hunter and Wrecker by infiltrating Tantiss alone in 3.15 "The Cavalry Has Arrived."

But, just as the Bad Batch work together to restore the Outpost's defenses and protect it from the Wyrm, Crosshair is best protected when he is with his family -- when they are working together.

With prompting from Hunter, Omega helps Crosshair to start facing his physical and emotional trauma in 3.08 "Bad Territory." His brothers refuse to let him infiltrate Tantiss alone in 3.15 "The Cavalry Has Arrived," and after they get captured, Echo and Omega work to break them out. And, when faced with an impossible shot to save Omega from Hemlock, Crosshair makes it thanks to Hunter's support and Omega's faith in him.

These are situations he wouldn't have been able to navigate alone, just as he wouldn't have been able to face the Wyrm and protect the Outpost alone. Heck, even Batcher helps Crosshair find and save Hunter after he falls into the tunnel. He probably couldn’t have done that by himself.

Crosshair needed his family to support and protect him from both his external and internal threats, just as they protected the Outpost.

So, in the final shot of 3.05 "The Return," we see the ship flying away from the Outpost. The Wyrm's tunnels are visible in the snow -- reminiscent of scars or wounds -- but the Outpost is still standing, still protected.

Analyzing the Title, Final Thoughts

I honestly can't decide which allegory I like better. I think they can both be powerful ways to interpret and 'read' the episode. Let me know if you have any additional insights or opinions.

As I said, I really love how emotionally poignant and significant this episode is. Just like 2.09 "The Crossing" was about Tech and Omega's bond, 3.05 "The Return" is definitely about Crosshair's bond with Hunter specifically, but his family in general.

Like Jennalysis says in The Crossing allegory analysis, I also enjoy thinking of all the things a TBB episode title can refer to. The Return has a lot of options:

Crosshair's return to Barton IV, obviously

Omega's return to Pabu, and her return to Hunter and Wrecker

Echo's return to the Bad Batch family, even if temporarily

Under Allegory 1: Hope returning to Crosshair's life and heart, as Hunter alludes to in the final line: "And who knows? There just might be hope for us yet."

Under Allegory 2: Crosshair's physical and emotional return to his family; or said another way, allowing his family to return to his heart

There might be more but that's all I have for now. As I said, this will end up being Part 2 of a much larger analysis on the episode. I plan to write Part 1, which will break down Hunter and Crosshair's character beats and some other fun details, in the coming days.

Stay tuned! :)

[sicklyseraphnsuch]

RotG and HiJack Recs

Alright, I'm building this list because some of these fics are just a tad dusty, and they could use more love. (A lot more love, I am literally dying from how much I adored these.) But note that a good few are incomplete.

Let's start with:

INCOMPLETE FICS

The Long Road:

Presently Gen, but Hiccup very much falls for Jack. He does however retain his feelings for Astrid, so bear that in mind. There's the classic Viking mindset when it comes to homosexual relationships that's pretty much giving Hiccup like a lot of anxiety.

But beyond that! I cannot shower this fic with enough praises! It gives me the same sort of excitement that the RotG movie does. Jack's characterization is Spot On. He's friendly and outgoing and also incredibly secretive and flighty. It balances out Jack's blunt mannerisms with a joyous charm and just that hint of vulnerability (which he keeps so well hidden lol).

The plots take place after HttyD, during the Riders of Berk TV series. Jack is folded into the Dragon Rider group who considers him some kind of Elf. Yes, this is Jack Frost in all his frosty glory. The way the story builds on a solid foundation of camaraderie and friendship, giving plenty of scenes to show how Hiccup and Jack became great friends, lends well to the Hiccup's realization of: "Oh I'm into him". Without giving too many spoilers, that "oh" moment is forever ingrained into my memory because of how PERFECTLY timed it is.

This blends Guardians of Childhood book verse with HttyD book verse, mostly via cameos over lore. Overall, a beautiful, fun, and simply enchanting read. I cannot recommend this enough.

A Story about Ice, Dragon Fire, and Belief:

Another gen fic. Mostly, it's about North looking at Jack and going, "he's my son now", and Jack having absolutely none of it. When placed together with Stoik and Hiccup's relationship, it becomes an almost interesting study of contrasts. North is the guy who's trying to prove something to a boy that he disappointed. Hiccup is the guy who's trying to prove something to a man that he disappointed. But ultimately, it ends up the same with a schism forming between the two pairs the harder one of them tries to breach it.

Also, it talks about how Jack is a force of fucking nature? And his blizzards can kill and have killed in the past? There's a little bit of trying to reconcile that with his new ID as a guardian. North is not doing a great job helping here.

But really the Crown Jewel of this fic is North and Berk's reactions to North (and by proxy his relationship to Jack). We go a little into the historical Viking side of things (like the pillaging et al), and apply that lens to this jolly old man. Let's just say some troubling (hilarious) assumptions are drawn. Also...

Everyone loves the sleigh.

I think this is one of the few RotG and HttyD crossovers that really do a good job of merging the two movies. Primarily because it's not just Jack in Berk. And this just made me hungry for more fics where more of the RotG cast arrive as Berk, and be just 100% fantastical and strange as the bedtime stories they are. Put some respect on the Guardians name, if you know what I'm saying.

In the Shadows of My Mind:

This one is an RotG only fic. No pairings except for whatever's going on between Pitch and Nightlight (and by proxy Jack). It's not a for real pairing. That said, it's such a complex and intricate relationship that doesn't resemble a romance but remains markedly intimate. Basically, this fic takes advantage of Pitch and Nightlight's ridiculously long history then throws Jack into the mix. Alive, human Jack in an early 18th century colonial town wherein he very recently did not drown (and boy, isn't that suspicious?)

My favorite thing about this fic is how spot on the dialogue feels? The lexicon, the syntax feels true to the time its set in. Although, I can't say that it is accurate as I'm not an expert of this time period in this region. Regardless, it certainly appears that a good stack of research went into this.

All that said, this fic has captured Bill Joyce's writing style the best, but with a deeper, more complex, more mature layer underpining that bedtime like vibe. There's a good host of OCs but genuinely, I didn't notice them as OCs. I could really believe they were characters of Joyce's books. Not to mention, they feel like fully fleshed out individuals even if they have like maybe two paragraphs of screentime.

The entire premise hinges on the idea of "what if Jack survived the skating accident" and everyone's reactions to that, as well as... the hidden secret thing that involves Nightlight. GoC spoilers are hinted so beware. But the little interplay between Nightlight and Jack is such a delicious little mystery, and also makes me so sad. These two boys deserved better.

Then we throw in Pitch for fun, because Pitch is always fun, and he just makes the whole thing even more complicated or as Jack calls it, "unnatural". But he's not even the main villain. It's Christianity. JK. That said, the fic does explore the idea of well, how would a fairly backwater colony be able to explain how Jack survived or... the powers that's slowly revealing itself from within him. There's a particularly nasty boy (around Jack's age), who is an OC and I believe an exceptionally well placed one. The OC understood his role to play and he plays it fantastically. Everytime he shows up, I too feel scared and indignant and excited all at once.

Speaking of great OCs, shoutout to Jack's Da. His appearances are brief but the impact is maximized with each appearance. He has that sense of realism and whimsy baked into him that I could gush endlessly about.

Overall, just a pure delight to read. Will re-read again and again.

Zastruga:

Total Gen fic. And a classic in my opinion.

I started reading this when I was in college - note the publish date. Nevermind the update date. Because even after all these years, this story? Still good. Still very very good.

This takes the original RotG plot and makes it more epic, and also more sad. RotG was very joyful at its core, which this fic somehow manages to retain. But it's just under a layer of sad. It's not overwhelming angst though, just enough to really pinch your heart.

Also whereas the movie has a few epic battles before things go really wrong, this fic stretches that out into a proper war against Pitch (and Jack). That's right. Jack is with Pitch ala Mother Gothel/Judge Frollo style. Jack isn't locked up entirely. He's given just enough rope to hang himself with. Mind the Jack whump is what I'm saying. But also do note that Jack's character remains as steadfast and loyal as he ever was in RotG, so the whump just hits nicer since this Jack isn't so irrevocably changed.

I have re-read this before. I will re-read this again. Nevermind the incomplete status. There's plenty of chapters that simply give me great joy.

COMPLETE FICS

It's the Great Spirit Sleigh, Hiccup Haddock:

Gen fic, in that there's no pairing actively getting together. But remains faithful to the original canon's hinted love interests. So Hiccup has a big crush on Astrid and Jack leans towards Tooth. That said, the relationship between Hiccup and Jack is just plain adorable and also heart-wrenching. They care about each other. So Much.

Now this is just a good holiday cheer. It literally has the Hallmark movie template, which is the point really. You know, the whole "oh no, a holiday is ruined" followed by "clever and charming ways to fix the holiday". With Hiccup and Jack taking the starring roles.

If you know your Hallmark movies, then you know that the leads get together in the end. And they don't in this fic. But the amount of "Gosh do I care about you" is so good. It's a lot of hurt and a lot of comfort. And I am here for it.

Also, this fic was completed way before the HttyD 3 movie so it doesn't have a canon compliant ending. That may be a bonus for some of you.

Scary Monsters and Super Creeps:

Pre JackRabbit (Bunny/Jack). But honestly the pairing isn't the main focus, mostly that Jack and Bunny admit to liking each other (but not to each other). So their dynamic remains in the best bros category. The pairing mostly shows through the plot machinations.

So long story short, Pitch opens the Guardian-Verse and recruits the other versions of the Guardians - the corrupt versions. And it's good, action/adventure fun. There's some gore, so mind that. Because the corrupt versions are nasty little things that fight dirty. Which makes the action feel like there's legit stakes. Also makes for a quick read because you must know what happens next? Did they get out of this sticky situation? Are they going to be okay? That sort of thing.

[thana-topsy]

Hey so no pressure whatsoever to answer this sleep-deprived ask but I have (once again!!) been reading Breathing Water for that Comfort Fic dopamine, and I realised that to travel from Winterhold to the Nightgate Inn they would have to pass through my absolute favourite location, the Wayward Pass shrine!

It's an interesting little shrine to Arkay and I was wondering what kind of reaction you think Teldryn and Neloth would have had to it? I can imagine of course as more daedra-leaning worshippers they might not look twice but it's always where I take my OCs and wondered if you had any thoughts

Hope life's treating you kindly <3

Thank you SO much for this lovely ask and this interesting prompt! Idk if you meant it as a writing prompt, but that's where I took it. (I love that BW is a comfort fic for you, that is such a high compliment). But anyhoo, I even fired up Skyrim to go wandering around the freezing north to get a feel for the area. So here you go! Please enjoy a retroactive cut scene of this leg of Neloth and Teldryn's journey.

---

“Admit it, we’re lost.”

“We most certainly are not.” Neloth cast a guidance spell, the snaking purple light fettering out a few feet ahead of them. He dropped the charge and pursed his lips. A sweeping gust of wind rolled up the mountainside from the sea and nearly pushed him over, adding insult to injury. 

“I told you to buy a damn map from the innkeeper!” Teldryn said, holding a fireball in his palms for warmth. “But oh no, of course the Great and Powerful Master of House Telvanni is beyond something as tried and true as cartography.”

“Will you shut it,” Neloth snapped. “I need to concentrate.” The cold was getting to him—a deep, bone-numbing cold unlike anything he’d ever felt—creeping death at its worst. He cast a quick flare of his warming spell, reserving his magicka while briefly returning feeling to his toes and fingertips.

“That looks like a pass over the mountain,” Teldryn said, his voice weak beneath the howl of the wind.

Neloth squinted through the snow. “Where?” 

“Up there, look where I’m pointing.”

Neloth stepped beside him to follow the line of Teldryn’s finger. Sure enough, there appeared to be a gap in the mountain’s sheer rock face. 

“If we hike all the way up there and it’s a dead end, then I’m–”

“Yes, yes,” Teldryn interrupted, waving him away as he began to trudge forward through the deepening snow drifts. “You can eat me first when we run out of food.” 

“Gallows humor!” Neloth called after him with a humorless laugh. “At a time like this?” When no response came, he began to follow silently in the path Teldryn had carved through the snow.

It took them an inordinate amount of time to reach the top of the mountain, battling against the growing blizzard the entire way. By the time they reached the pass, Neloth had moved beyond the point of shivering, frozen to his core. They paused in the shallow grotto, panting and regaining some of their warmth. 

“Oh,” Teldryn said with quiet surprise, prompting Neloth to look up. 

Seemingly cut into the rock, partially hidden from the elements, a single skeleton lay in front of a shrine along a stone slab, carefully arranged, accompanied by various offerings—a longsword, armor, dried herbs, bits of gold and jewelry. 

“It’s a shrine,” Teldryn said. 

“Obviously.” 

“To Arkary, it looks like.” 

“Which one is that?” Neloth asked, and received a withering look from Teldryn in response. 

“You’re joking.” 

“Partially, yes,” Neloth said with a twitch of his lip. “God of cycles and death and what-have-you. I’m not that out of touch, Teldryn, please. Have a little faith.”

“Faith, right,” Teldryn grumbled. He brushed some of the snow off the statue at the center of the altar, then picked up one of the pendants that lay by the skeleton. “They say a body that’s received the proper blessings of Arkay is immune to necromancy,” he mused to no one in particular. “Seems useful, honestly.”

Neloth pursed his lips, eyes narrowing. Yes, he’d heard such things, but never had he been presented with the opportunity to test the theory. Purple light swirled into his palm, a micro-rift into the realms of Oblivion, and with a small push—subtle enough that Teldryn wouldn’t immediately notice—he directed the rift into the skeleton that lay across the altar.

The rejection was strong and immediate, like a door slamming shut inside of Neloth’s head, followed by a wave of nausea that he only barely managed to swallow down. He dropped the spell and turned to brace himself against the opposite wall, taking deep breaths through his nose.

Teldryn set the amulet down then turned slowly towards him, expression hidden behind his chitin helmet and goggles. “Tell me you didn’t just do what I think you did.”       

“The opportunity for an experiment presented itself,” Neloth argued through the taste of rising bile in the back of his throat. “All in the pursuit of knowledge.”

“And did you come to a conclusion?” 

There was smugness there that Neloth didn’t appreciate one bit. He hoped his scowl conveyed as much. “Let’s just keep moving. At this rate we’ll be corpses ourselves, and I don’t see a priest of Arkay anywhere to lend a helping hand.”

“Whatever you say,” Teldryn said, still far too smug. “Lead on.”

--

Shoutout to @paraparadigm for the "door slamming shut" imagery inspiration from her fic "Always Read the Fine Print".

[raphfish]

☄ okay but OPINION on the new BLM gameplay???????

Oh this is gonna turn into a rant The Good: The ability to displace your ley lines once per ley lines is incredible, so good that when that ability got revealed i yelled in a discord call. In endwalker, ley lines had a massive issue where it was too valuable you had to use it on cooldown, but in doing so made some ley lines window impossible to do correctly. In dawntrail, you have so much more flexibility with it and it's great. Manafont is now a real cooldown instead of a button you pressed for a tiny dps gain. Not to mention they reduced the cooldown so you don't have to do insane planning to avoid it drifting. Sharpcast is gone now which is a good thing imo, I hated that buttton, and the buffs to the firestarter proc + the fact that it's guaranteed makes using it for more flexibility actually viable. And Flare Star looks great, I'm glad we finally have a big explosion spell that isn't just for aoe. The Bad:

To cast Flare Star you need to cast all 6 of your Fire IV in a fire phase which is not a great way to implement it? It makes fire phase needlessly rigid, which is really bad for black mage as it's a job thats defined by the player's ability to adapt on the fly and make up ways to keep uptime. Granted, the firestarter proc i mentionned helps a lot, so it's not so bad, but i still think it should be changed. maybe make despair contribute to it? or maybe make it so it deals more damage base don the number of Fire Iv before it, but you can still cast it regardless? But most importantly, there's the removal of Ice Paradox, which I won't get into too muchd etail here because it would take too long, but the short version is: not only do I miss ice phase Paradox because it made sense thematically and was a fun spell to use, but it also enabled somethign called the non-standard rotation where you'd intentionally skip any blizzard spells in order to have a shorter ice phase and fire phase. While this was a dps loss, the goal was to realign your rotation to make sure it ligned up well with mechanics and make it easier to move during them.

Now to be clear, this would only affetc you if you are a black mage main and wanted to optimize your dps to be in the top of the rankings. It was not needed to clear even the hardest content. But it was nice that it existed, because the essence of black mage is to do these weird strats that wouldn't be optimal when hitting a dummy, but are there to gain uptime and thus more dps for the actual fight.

Conclusion: It's still black mage. It's still the job I fell in love with. Dawntrail might be the first expansion that wasn't just straight up improvements, and more of ups and downs, but I still love it. And also, if you're feeling intimidated by the job, I think this is the most accessible it's ever been, it's also not that hard and you shouldn't feel stressed out about not playing it optimally all the time, and i'd love to give you advice on playing it.

[keicordelle]

Fluffvember Day 18 : Future - Estinien

The wrinkles that lined Aymeric's face grew with every passing year, crow’s feet bracketing his eyes and laugh lines dug in around his mouth. Streaks of grey at his temples spread until they peppered his once black curls, his lustrous hair becoming coarser and brittle with time. His proud ears began to sag, and firm muscles and taut skin gave way to a softer form, one that still bore an impressive strength, but that hid it beneath gentle curves and a cushioned belly. Each blizzard brought with it aches and pains of injuries long since healed, and in the winter, he walked with an ornate cane in one hand and my own in the other - and his sword still hanging at his hip.

And though glasses adorned those impossibly blue eyes when he leaned over a book or patrol report, they were no less bright than they had been the first time I'd gazed into them nearly four decades before. If anything, they were brighter now, filled with the knowledge earned from a lifetime of trials and triumphs, of joys great and small and sorrows to match. There was a peace about him that grew with each year that passed us by, as if with each anniversary that we spent together, he allowed himself to believe a little bit more that no great catastrophe awaited on the morrow to steal from us all we had worked for. He accepted the happiness that was afforded him and sought it in every moment. And though the future was never certain, at some point, he had given himself over to hope, fear and despair cast aside to revel in the peace he had wrought, for Ishgard and for all of Hydaelyn.

I worshiped every one of his wrinkles, ever strand of grey hair and every arthritic joint, each one of them as beautiful and striking as his youthful visage had been. And if my own body showed the passage of time as well, he was just as reverent as he had ever been, just as willing to hold me and love me and lay with me, and every day of our relationship felt new and novel even as it seemed we'd been together for an eternity. He still kissed me with just as much passion as he had twenty years ago, and if we perhaps had less energy than years gone by, we still made the most of what remained to us.

And throughout all the years, our love never wavered. Even when duty and necessity kept us apart, even when strife arose and we had to fight to remain together, even when we had nothing else but each other, we held fast to our bond and did not let go. Not a day passed that I didn't thank Halone for granting me this chance, this future that had seemed impossible: the ability to grow old alongside my beloved Aymeric. And so I kissed each and every age spot and wrinkle, for every one was a reminder of the greatest blessing we had been given: time.

[Masterlist] | [Ao3]

[aspiring-holistic-otaku]

Season 3 Ramble#2 - “romance" lol ver.3

This month’s episode is all about romance, the third time around now and somehow I find myself with yet another tweak in format. Guess that just goes to show that love comes in many forms. In any case this month’s format isn’t that different from last time. I’ve still split my reads into 3 categories, the main difference is that the categories themselves have changed. Last time it was cute stuff, fucked up stuff and lewd stuff, this time I still have the cute category but I've switched out the other two based on this month’s reads, which I'll explain as we get to them.

So basically how this episode is gonna go is I'm gonna give my top reads this month in ascending order for each of those categories and then my top 1 reads before this month for the same.

Getting right into it the first category up is

Awww {basically v cute v innocent stuff}

#3) The Ice Guy and His Cool Female Colleague (ongoing w 57 chapters, story & art by Miyuki Tonogaya)

This is an extremely simple but extremely cute story. The title pretty much summarizes it actually, the main character is the descendant of an ice demon, which is apparently not too strange in this world since he works a normal office job,,, and he has a crush on his cool, stoic, almost expressionless female colleague.

It's a pretty neat take on slow burns because one it's pointedly ice related, and secondly the ice guy’s emotions affect his environment, like if he gets too excited there'll be a blizzard or tiny snowmen will appear.. If you've ever had a crush on someone you know it's already hard enough to act natural or “be cool" so this guy has a pretty rough go of it.

The art is pretty nice but the characters, especially the wider cast leaves more than a bit to be desired. It actually almost kinda feels like the creator really just wanted to focus on the main two but the editor was like,, that's not how the real world works, especially not in an office... I do appreciate though that some of the wider cast includes different types of demons and it’s fun to see the different ways their emotions leak out, the different pairings, and so on.

As I said it’s an extremely simple story, almost feels like a 4 panel tbh, nothing I'd push too hard but it’s undeniably cute and makes for a super easy binge read or just something to pick up from time to time to escape the harshness of reality and indulge in the very cute but very absurd fantasy of a successful workplace romance… I think more than a few ppl have that one coworker you would if you could… but no… just no… leave it alone… leave it in fiction land my friend…

#2) Skip and Loafer (ongoing w 58 chapters, story & art by Misaki Takamatsu)

The story here follows our main heroine, a real go getter, who moved from the countryside to big city Tokyo for highschool, all so she could follow her dreams of being a politician and help out in rural areas around the country. Anyways she’s characterized as not being great at much else but studying, and in that spirit, gets lost on the way to her entrance ceremony. Here enters our main hero who’s also late but for the opposite reason, he’s super laid back, slept late and was considering just skipping but he felt sorry for this obviously lost but obviously trying girl so he decides to help her out and the story takes off from there.

Just wanna get out of the way that I love all the characters and their interactions with each other and especially within themselves. If anything, that's this manga’s strongest point. It makes the characters ooze real feelings that really feels in place for each where they are. Like not too dramatic where you wonder if they’re really highschool kids or even in school for that matter, and not too fantasy like where everything is perfect and it’s almost like characters are machines just filling a roll.

It kicks off pretty early on with engaging character interactions and the way they change and develop as the main cast gets to know each other is really endearing. I especially really really love the main heroine because she’s that innocent character type but it’s not done in that way that makes her this pure cinnamon roll that’s too good for this world, where nothing gets her down or she chooses peace and love every time. Her thing is that she’s basically socially inept and so she doesn’t really get when people are mean or even when they're being nice sometimes, but she’s all by herself in this new place so she’s trying and though she doesn’t always get it, it’s a real pleasure to see her grow.

It’s ongoing, only 58 chapters but there’s been a ton of realness and real growth in a bunch of ways for most of the cast packed in so far. Really can’t wait to see where it goes from here.

Anyways, cool art, great cast, love the interactions and would definitely highly recommend this one.

#1) Horimiya (complete w 152 chapters, story by HERO & art by Daisuke Hagiwara)

The story here is that the main hero/heroine pair each have a hidden side to them that nobody else knows. At school, the heroine is always super put together but when she’s at home she’s too busy taking care of her little brother for all that and takes on a more homely caretaker persona (the art is shoujo leaning so she and most of the main cast pretty much always looks pretty). But anyways, at school, the hero is seen as a gloomy glasses wearing loner but when he leaves school he looks like he came out of a rock magazine. Tattoos and piercings everywhere. Anyways, this and that happens, the convenient plot is convenient and they end up becoming friends who hold each other’s secrets.

As much as the story kinda feels like shoujo perfect world fantasy stuff, and as much as it came out as top 1 largely because it’s complete, I think a small part of it might have been that a tiny part of me still wants to believe in, and might even still want that kind of “perfect” love. From the innocent buildup to the accumulation of every day special normals and beyond… but in any case, I did honestly like the theme of more and more of your true self coming to the surface and being able to show that true self to someone.

Overall, besides the main pairing, the cast was kinda weak, not bad, just pretty one dimensional But that one dimension was very cute and fluffy and this being a romance manga, it worked. What I will say though is that it took a while for the wider cast to come into play and even more for them to make me care, like not until late 50s heading into 70s did i care about anyone but the main pairing. Meanwhile skip and loafer only has about 50 chapters total and I was fully invested in the entire cast well before then.

But as I said, when the full horimiya cast rolls in it’s all very cute and I liked that they even made the platonic same sex relations pretty cute like yh guys just having fun and it’s not weirdly pervy in any direction, just another form of love yk.. v cool… Again it did have me yearning a bit like wow imagine having a life with both platonic AND romantic relationships being healthy and fulfilling.

Anywho,, pretty neat art, the story kinda just goes on ig but having in mind that it was a romance and it goes on in an increasingly cute way and all, i’d recommend it.

hm:

Even the Introverted Gals Wanna Get Out There! - pretty funny, maybe more funny than cute, also it’s girl on girl, think dead dead demon’s destruction but the main heroines actually get to live life and breath air, literally just vibing out in the club room after school (ongoing w about 6 chaps)

Train Man - Net Development, the Love Story of a Local Train: based on a true story apparently, basically a dude saves some people on a train and becomes friends with one of them and stuff take off from there (complete w 27 chapters)

ftr everything in the main list has an anime but i can’t speak on their status or quality

also ftr I'd definitely rate skip and loafer higher than horimiya overall but because this is the cuteness category, + horimiya is a complete story which I tend to favour for higher places in lists and stuff

next category up is

Dense & Denser

{this is basically when one or more of the characters are just oblivious to any love flags thrown their way}

#2) How to Raise a Boring Girlfriend (complete w 42 chapters, story & art by Takeshi Moriki, original LN story by Fumiaki Maruto)

Had never heard of this one before but the title pulled me in like how and why would one raise a boring girlfriend anyways?

The story here is that on the way to school the mc has an encounter with a mystery girl and it’s love at first sight, even though he didn’t see her face…. The mc is an anime/manga otaku much like myself, and this encounter inspires him to make a dating sim game, but after he happens to actually meet the mystery girl face to face, he finds that she’s actually kind of plain,, albeit in a cute sort of way. In any case the feeling of their first mystery meeting lives on so he pushes through with his idea, intending to transform this girl into his ideal heroine. The main story, relations and problems arise around him trying to get the dev team together for this game, and of course this being romance they’re all girls.

It’s all very funny in a very meta way, with commentary on anime/manga culture in most chapters, and the so called main heroine, being outside that culture, usually playing a very good straight man. It’s also meta in how the mc goes about getting his dev team together, as i said they’re all girls so it’s almost like his life becomes a dating sim in trying to woo them into his harem… i mean game dev team…

In any case I’m not even actually sure the mc really counts as romantically dense or if he was just so committed to the bit of being a single weeb undeserving of love that he just pretended not to notice all the pretty loud romantic undertones,,, but maybe that's a type of density in itself… a younger me can def relate… being committed to the bit is a lifestyle… bed is bae… anyways it’s kind of ecchi but still surprisingly good in both the romance and meta aspects. Pretty good art, they made a decision to keep the cast compact and it worked out very nicely. It wraps up in just under 50 chapters but I will say each chapter is pretty dense and can be a bit word heavy. Would recommend.

#1) Monthly Girls’ Nozaki (ongoing w 148 chapters, story & art by Izumi Tsubaki)

This story follows our main heroine as she tries to get the attention of her crush, who is our mc. In approaching him she finds out he’s actually her favourite romance manga creator and through this and that ends up working on it with him as an assistant to try and get closer to him.

Right off the bat I think everyone in this cast is pretty dense but man is the main hero just the most dense mf in the universe. I feel sorry for the main heroine cause she knows but she’s just so down bad for him she kinda becomes dense to how down bad she is. In any case every chapter takes the form of a series of connected 4 panel stories and it’s pretty funny throughout.

The wider cast is pretty neat, nothing too crazy but as i said they’re all pretty dense in their own weird ways so the interactions are usually funny. The art is solid, cast is okay, pretty funny, would recommend for sure.

ftr both have an anime not sure of status or quality

and again ftr i’d rank boring girlfriend over monthly girls’ in general, especially as it’s complete it’s just that this is the dense & denser category and monthly girls’ nozaki is definitely dense central, like black hole event horizon density my friends…

and the last category

That’s Rough Buddy

{a direct reference to avatar when sokka told prince zuko his girlfriend turned into the moon and his response was “that’s rough buddy”, this category is different from the that’s fucked up category I used in very.2 in that these focus more on emotional turmoil and have no physical violence and so on}

#3) Kowloon Generic Romance (ongoing w 61 chapters, story & art by Jun Mayuzuki)

This is kind of eh tbh, cool art, and it’s kind of a mystery as to what’s goin on, so much so that I don’t think I can describe it without spoiling so i’ll lean on the anilist/yen press summary a bit here which is as follows:

“Welcome to Kowloon Walled City: a dystopian townscape where the people are brimming with nostalgia, and where the past, present, and future converge. Amid the hidden emotions and extraordinary daily lives of the men and women working in its confines, a tale of romance begins to unfold for real estate agent Reiko Kujirai—one that feels as familiar as Kowloon itself…”

I doubt that told you anything but I hope it sparks some intrigue, I will say it has a good number of dope one liners, and if i’m being honest the main characters smoke a lot which is an aesthetic I love for some reason so sue me…

Not much else to say tbh, nice art as I said, it’s pretty cool, okay cast, the story is pulling a bit but the bait isn’t that strong, though the aesthetics of it all has definitely caught my eye so I will be keeping up with it after this month… i wouldn’t push it as a recommendation that hard but there’s only 61 chapters rn so no real loss if you do decide to check it out

#2) How Do We Relationship? (ongoing w 115 chapters, story & art by tamifull)

The story here is that the main heroines are gay and in reality no matter how much the media and conservatives want ppl to believe that homosexuality and homosexuals are accepted and normalized in society, in fact that anything but being heterosexual and cisgender passing is accepted & normalized, that’s simply not the case in real life. I live in jamaica and man, not that I really care, but I could get shunned just for reading stuff with gays in it… In any case that’s the sort of reality the main heroines live in which was cool for its realness as they were/are hiding the fact that they're gay, but in any case plot plot plot they end up going out….

This is the “that’s rough buddy” category so I think it’s okay to spoil that it doesn’t go smoothly though I won’t go into further detail. I will mention a really cool thing the author said in an afterword where they say that a lot of romance stories tend to build towards and end at the start of the main characters getting into a relationship, but life isn’t like that. There’s life after that and that’s sort of what they wanted to illustrate. The life after a relationship…. Sounds like a spoiler but remember there’s more than just our heroines in the story. there’s a whole wider cast and they’re all pretty great. each having their own relationship troubles or lack thereof, ideas and philosophies on love and etc.

Pretty solid art, in fact it really reminds me of yokohama shopping log, so much so that i’m convinced it’s a fanfiction created just to make the characters from that series actually full on gay. Pretty solid cast, a story that gets more and more engaging as it goes on though it’s pretty solid from the start. would definitely highly recommend though it can be a bit tumultuous like damn you guys just never gonna be stable huh??

#1) Chobits (complete w 88 chapters, story & art by CLAMP an all woman manga group formed in the mid 1980s made of Nanase Ohkawa, Mokona, Tsubaki Nekoi and Satsuki lgarashi)

I’d always seen this around and always as the profile picture for some more than suspicious internet accounts… the vibe it gave off in my periphery view was just horrendous tbh but i took the dive and it was worth it, obviously, coming in at #1.

The story here is that in the future, the world is inhabited by humans who live alongside their extremely powerful computers called persocoms, that are shaped to look and act almost human. numerous stories have taken this angle so I think you can imagine the effects that would have on society, but in any case the story follows our mc who recently moved from the countryside to the city and ends up finding one in the trash that he takes in and starts to take care of. The thing is their memory is corrupted so he has to teach them everything, but soon enough the mystery of the discarded persocom comes to light and their abilities could change the world.

All that pompous stuff aside the theme of discerning the shape of love and who deserves it was pretty cool, the mc was bleh and so was most of the cast but the last few chapters and the questions they posed were enough, especially the origin story of the persocom like damn… that’s rough as fuck buddy,, def kinda weird but my condolences all the same…. Art was okay… and yh i’d recommend it..

hm:

Rascal Does Not Dream of Bunny Girl Senpai

Top Combo

Video Girl Ai (complete w 131 chapters, story & art by Masakazu Katsura)

This was probably my fav read this month, somewhere between this, boring girlfriend and skip & loafer but this definitely has the best combinations of the different categories I was working with this month.

Again this is something I'd seen floating around for the longest and associated with more than sus accounts but it was pretty good.

The lazy story is that the mc is a lame with no game and his crush ends up confessing to his best friend in front of him. obviously distraught he ends up renting what he thinks is a porn tape.. which I guess it technically is but it's supernatural in that the girl comes out of the TV and tries to mend the viewers’ heart.

Things get super complicated and it turns into the weirdest love polygon I've ever seen, lots of back and forth and dilly dallying but I enjoyed it. The art was great, had a great classic feel, there's more than a bit of ecchi but it's not entirely distasteful or weirdly out of context, the characters and their interactions were a bit exasperating with the back and forth, loves me loves me not stuff but that had its own entertainment value, and in any case I'd recommend it

now moving onto stuff from before this month, which I won't get into details for as I've spoken on them in previous versions which I'm encouraging you to go listen to or read the transcripts for,,

Oldies

Awww

Our Precious Conversations (top 1 oldie ver.1)

Dense & Denser

That's Rough Buddy

Hi Score Girl (top 1 ver. 2)

Boy's Abyss (top2 wtf ver. 1)

That's it for this part, got a little off cuff rambling in the rest of the ramble of you wanna listen in, thanks for checking this out as usual, hope you can find something here or elsewhere that you'll love and I hope you have a good one until next time 🍻

[roy-dcm2]

Headcanon - Majora's Origin

I love Majora's Mask. It is nice to the game get the recognition after spending so much time in the shadow of Ocarina of Time.

However, since the beginning, fans have had an obsession about the origin of Majora's Mask. The oldest / most popular theory that often get repeated is - Majora is a DARK GOD rejecting the Goddesses and planning the destruction of everything!

It's a fine enough theory, but I never hear people really expand on the normal origin explain in the game. They never seem to grasp what "Majora's Mask" is - the Mask is very simply a Demon.

A unique demon, but a demon none the less.

First of all, let's take the time to acknowledge that the world of Legend of Zelda is full of demons. Nearly every side game features some kind of powerful demon terrorizing the local population.

[Nightmare art by JMatchhead on DeviantArt]

Anyway, Majora is a Tsukumogami, a type of "spirit" born from an item. (Never forget the Zelda franchise's Japanese influences.) In Shinto, it is believed that items can come alive after a long period of time (usually more than 100 years.) Items that are regularly used and maintained, birth helpful spirits. Items that have been neglected, birth angry spirits.

When you think of it that way, the origin told in the game makes a lot more sense. Majora's Mask is a mask used by an ancient tribe to cast curses. The Mask might have absorbed some of the dark magic that they used, so it was already brimming with dark energy when it was sealed away. Then it remained sealed away for a long time, growing resentful of those that had sealed it away.

(I mean, it might be a hexing mask, but items are happy to fulfill their purpose. If it's been neglected, it's because either no longer good enough to do it's job, or they are ashamed of the job it did before.)

By the time the Happy Mask Salesman found it, it was probably already alive waiting for someone to pick it up.

[Sidebar - the HMS is not a God either. He's just a Mask collector. In a land of powerful masks, that means something, but it's not necessarily sinister. He probably buys and sells regular masks, but keeps rare masks for his personal collection. And his drive for collecting masks did push him to raid an ancient temple for Majora's Mask. But, he was also smart enough on how to transport it. He knew it would be trouble for anyone else. He might have planned a ritual to banish the spirit inside the Mask, if he could get the mask back. However, Link destroyed the demon the old fashioned way.]

When the Skull Kid put it on, it secretly wielded him like a puppet. Fascinatingly, being a hexing mask, the Skull Kid took great delight in cursing people, but hardly ever actually killed anyone. (I struggle to think of anyone the Skull Kid killed directly.) It enjoyed bringing misery to all, likely drawing power from people's despair.

It turned the swamp waters into poison. A terrible blizzard hit Snowpeak. Storms were making Great Bay unpleasant for the Zora, and all Ikana Canyon was cursed to relive a war that no one remembers what they were fighting for. On top of more personal curses like turning Kafei into a kid. And causing great despair from pulling the moon out of the sky.

Finally, it was this increased energy of despair that allowed "the spirit of the mask" to manifest a true form for itself, that you fight as "Majora's Wrath."

And in the end, Link is able to destroy this demon, the Mask becomes an ordinary item once again, and the people of Termina are freed from depair as they greet a new dawn, after that third day.

(btw, some people think "Majora's Mask" created all of Termina, and that this is some kind of pocket dimension. If so, why doesn't it disappear when the evil spirit dies? Because Termina is a real place. It's just another country. There are other countries in LoZ. Just that NIntendo doesn't want to explain things.)

And that's it. I feel it's more concise. Instead of speculating on a cosmic pantheon we will never know, the story is much simpler. The land of Termina was cursed, suffering in despair, so the Gods (Or Goddess) sent the Hero to save them.

[purplekoop]

Alright, let's break it down:

Overwatch Figure Collecting: the somewhat definitive breakdown

If you're a fan of Overwatch and want a cool way to showcase your love of its characters without actually playing the video game (a very fair predicament), then my utmost recommendation would be to get your hands on some of the variety of fantastic poseable figures available for... a good majority of the cast.

See there's one hang-up when it comes to collecting just about any cast of characters from an existing franchise in physical form, especially one as large and varied as Overwatch's: not every character gets to be in every lineup. While some get close, as of now there isn't a single series of figures that contains every single Overwatch hero, even just from the original lineup from the initial 2016 release.

To help alleviate this as much as possible, I've charted out every single current character (meaning this is a week away from being at least somewhat dated) to try and find the best option available for every character if you want a collection of figures designed around a 1/12th scale collection. If you're not familiar with the term, this scale means every inch of figure is equivalent to one foot of a life-sized character. These figures also tend to be called 6-inch figures, since most action figures in this scale are designed around fictional dudes that are around 6 feet tall. This is the standard scale for most modern action figure lines, such as Marvel Legends, meaning it fits the best with the most other lines of figures. This'll be helpful for when we have to mix figure lines, since it provides a standardized base with only slight deviations between the lines.

I'd also like to clarify: This will only be a discussion of figures, with at least one point of articulation. Yes, that low bar is important for later. This does still rule out several things that I don't feel fit this type of collection, such as keychains, other minor collectables the ungodly overpriced statues on the official Blizzard store.

All that said, let's start with my favorite Overwatch figure series, and my highest recommendation, especially for a beginner collector like myself:

Hasbro's Overwatch Ultimates series

Released in 2019, the Ultimates series is a line of figures produced by American toy juggernaut Hasbro. Hasbro has a long but somewhat shaky track record of making 6 inch figures, being particularly infamous for the aforementioned Marvel Legends line, a massive collection of Marvel figures that have a somewhat negative stigma among hardcore collectors for cheaper production value relative to their $25 USD price point.

Those complaints however are much harder to carry over to the Ultimates as far as I'm concerned. Every single character looks fantastic and extremely game-accurate, packed with detail and accessories, making them both great display pieces and fun to just play around with.

The line was released in two waves, each consisting of both individual character boxes and two packs. Each character came out at about 20 USD, with two packs predictably being about 40 USD. Reinhardt is a bigger figure in a big box, so he costs a bit extra, but you can find him for decent prices still.

Wave 1 consisted of Tracer, Sombra, Lucio, Reaper*, and Reinhardt individually, with two packs consisting of Pharah+Mercy (teehee) and Soldier 76+Ana*.

Wave 2 introduced Zarya, Junkrat, and Cassidy individually, and a two pack of Genji and Hanzo. It also has several recolors, with the only notable one for here being a 4-pack of Genji, Zarya, Pharah, and D.va, all featuring Carbon Fiber/Midnight skins.

So. Slight hiccup: Reaper, Ana, and D.va don't get their default skins in this line. Reaper only has Blackwatch Reyes look (seen above), Ana has her Shrike design (her masked vigilante look), and D.va only has the Midnight skin. She also doesn't come with her Meka, in addition to not being available by herself in-box. Reaper and D.va have alternatives that are higher quality and have the default skins, but Ana's only 6 inch figure is the Shrike design, so it's unfortunately my best recommendation.

From here, we're gonna keep a running total of how many characters we have figures for. I'm only going to keep a total of Overwatch 1's roster of 32 heroes, since OW2's new heroes have next to nothing as of now.

So with the Ultimates line, we have 12 characters with their default skins, but 3 more if you're willing to accept an alternative skin as a substitute, bringing us a "generous" total of 15 out of 32. Already almost halfway there!

If I didn't make it clear already, I highly recommend the Ultimates line, it's super affordable for such a good quality set of figures. I said before each figure was priced at 20 USD MSRP, but especially with online secondhand listings, the average is really closer to 15 per figure. Thanks to listings of multiple figures (called a "lot" if you're looking for them on those sites), you can pretty easily find multiple figures bundled together for less than they tend to be individually. Personally speaking, I've gotten 3 separate lots for less than 150 USD total, and already have the majority of the unique figures, and most of the extra recolors to boot. Seriously, don't slouch on this line, the value of what you get for what you paid is great. Just don't expect to find too many of them in physical retail stores, but maybe nab them if you manage to get lucky and find one for a good price.

But if you want something that's a bit higher quality in exchange for a higher price point, while still roughly fitting in with the Hasbro line, then that brings us to our next set of figures

Good Smile's Figma

Good Smile is a Japanese company that makes high-quality collectibles based on a variety of franchises, primarily anime and games. Their Figma line consists of 6 inch scale figures with extremely high-quality detail, extensive articulation, and tons of accessories to enable a variety of poses.

...If your first instinct as a collector is "wow, that sounds like it'll be really expensive!", then good job, you'd be correct! Between production costs and the extra complications of importing from another country, Figmas are pretty pricey to come by.

But what of their Overwatch offerings? Well...

We have 10 figures total here, 6 of which are familiar faces. Tracer, Genji, Pharah, Mercy, Soldier 76 (though he seems rare, don't count on finding him easily), and the cowboy guy are all here if you want a premium alternative to the Hasbro line for those heroes. For the extra money, you get better sculpting detail, better and more thorough paint jobs, more articulation, and more accessories, including better quality weapons, more hand poses, and even alternate face swaps. You can also take off Pharah's helmet or the cowboy's hat. These are substantial improvements, which... you'd hope for with the money, but whether they're worth it compared to the Ultimates alternatives is really up to you.

Speaking of alternates though, we get to the default skins for D.va and Reaper that I alluded to earlier. Reaper is about all you could hope for, while D.va comes with more accessories like a can of Nano Cola, her hat from the Shooting Star cinematic, and... still no Meka.

We do have some new faces here too: Widowmaker and Zenyatta. Both of which are fantastic figures with tons of accessories... and also the Figma price tag in full swing. Zen in particular I've rarely seen listed for less than 100 USD. He's probably my most wanted but least likely to get soon official figure.

So, back to our running total, we can add 2 more brand new figures, and also get to add the default designs for Reaper and D.va, making our generous total 17 of 32, and if we feel like being mean to Ana then we're at 16/32, exactly halfway.

And if we stick exclusively to official 6 inch scale figures... that's where the list stays.

But if we're willing to bend our expectations a bit, then we can look into some alternative options, starting with Good Smile's smaller scale line...

Good Smile's Nendoroids

Nendoroids are Good Smile's smaller figure line, featuring chibi designs of a wider range of characters, but with the general production value you'd expect from Good Smile, with the details and accessories not far from the Figma line. According to the website, most go for about 45 USD from the start, but secondhand listings may vary. The figures are on average about 10 cm, or about 4 inches for my fellow americans. They definitely don't fit exactly into our collection, but let's look at what's on offer for Overwatch anyways:

15 figures total, the majority of which we've already seen before in a more proper scale.

With that said, I do want to point out a special note with one hero here we've seen before:

We finally got a Tokki!!! Designed so D.va can fit into it and everything!!

...Sold separately. For. A lot. I haven't seen many listings either, so don't get your hopes up too high for nabbing this one.

As for the others, we have 3 heroes we haven't seen yet: Mei, Torbjorn, and a surprising appearance from Ashe, the newest hero we've seen so far. All of these come packed with accessories, including... B.OB.!

Well. I didn't say you get all of him.

Now, getting a high-quality item for Ashe is cool, but the real highlight of the line for me is Torbjorn. He comes loaded with articulation like a movable welding mask, and tons of accessories including an articulated turret, and even an armor pack from before his rework! The real reason I mention him though is. Well. It's Torbjorn. Aside from the one anime eye and some slightly off proportions, he's not gonna be too far off from what you'd want from Torb in a 6 inch scale. Better than the solution on my shelf currently at least, but we'll get there.

So, again, this line isn't exactly what this kind of collection is for, but if you want high production value, good accessories, and a better (but still a bit high) price point than the Figmas, then I think these would be a nice addition to the collection, if you don't mind a couple heroes being a bit on the stubbier side than usual.

Adding these to our gratuitous estimate, we're up to a clean 20/32 heroes! Not too bad, but there's one more note I'd like to touch on here before we move on to the last set of "figures" I'm gonna go over.

We've actually gotten confirmation that nendoroids for Kiriko and Sojourn are on the way!

Kiriko looks to be coming sooner, which makes sense considering. Japan. But hey! Cool to see OW2 heroes get something!

But to round out our cast of OW1 heroes... I dunno. I think we might have to take some... drastic measures.

Funko pops.

I don't think Funko Pops need as much of an introduction as the other stuff we've talked about today. The menace of every fandom-pandering mall store, it's hard to like anything even tangentially nerdy without one of these blank-eyed menaces taking the semblance of its cast.

Now, okay, these barely quantify as "figures". Even most dedicated Funko Pop collectors would be self aware enough to admit that. But remember my "one point of articulation" rule from earlier? Well. You can move the head around. That's. Something.

The main reason we're here though is that we're getting desperate. We've got 12 more characters to find, and have already ran out of actually decent figure lines with more characters. If they don't have a Funko of the character, they don't have anything for 'em.

And well, good news: almost every OW1 hero has a Funko Pop! And not only that, they're some pretty above-average Funkos to boot. Not just in quality, but even size for a few of them. Bastion, Roadhog, Winston, Orisa, and Wrecking Ball are all 6 inch "super size" pops, which at least helps them feel a little more in line than just the standard 3.5 inch ones. There's also pops of Symmetra, Doomfist, Moira, Brigitte, Baptiste, and even Echo. Every other hero we've already discussed also has one too. Even B.O.B. has a 6 inch funko! Currently the only one I have is Torb, who's on my Overwatch shelf as a rough proximity to scale with the others.

There's also more skin variants than I care to count, including OW2 variants for Tracer, Genji, Reaper, and Cassidy.

But yeah, add those new heroes up, and that brings us to... ...31.

31 out of Overwatch 1's cast of 32 heroes has a Funko Pop or other, higher-quality figure.

If you haven't been keeping a head count, that leaves Sigma out as the only one with nothing.

Don't feel too bad for him though, he's got every single Overwatch 2 hero keeping him company. Sojourn and Kiriko included, but at least they've got Nendoroids confirmed on the way. If you're curious why they skipped him but not Echo, it's because Echo is in a small wave of Overwatch 2 branded pops.

Now, if you feel like I've been too kind to Funko here, I'm gonna fix that real quick, because there's one more officially licensed series of figures right now. Good news, they're actual, non-chibi figures.

Bad news?

Funko's Overwatch 2 Action Figures

If you ever want to know what it sounds like to have a wet fart in Action Figure form, then pick up one of these things.

Other than featuring the Overwatch 2 designs, making them the only real poseable figures to do so right now, these things are completely worthless. First off, they're 3.75 inch scale, noticeably smaller than either of the other proper figure lines. They're also much, much, MUCH lower quality, not just in terms of looks (the style for Tracer's face makes me mad) and lacking accessories, but just general production quality. I've heard it's EXTREMELY common for limbs to be so loose on these things, the legs tend to fall out.

they're... technically at a lower price point. But they're still such mediocre figures, I can't in good faith recommend these to basically anyone. Get the decent pops like Bastion or Orisa instead if you for some reason insist on giving Funko money, at least those won't literally fall apart on you.

So, I said earlier Funko was our last stop, but there's one more thing I want to gloss over that some of you might've been thinking about already

Lego Overwatch

I didn't bring these up earlier since They don't quite count, and they feel like they warrant a full separate post once I get my hands on some of them where I can go into more detail, but Overwatch has a variety of Lego sets, featuring a good chunk of the cast in minifigure form, and some of the cast in a form that's slightly less "Mini", with Winston and Roadhog being special "bigfigs".

Reinhardt and D.va come in a set together featuring their armor and Meka respectively as the main builds of the set. It does mean that Rein outside of the armor is disturbingly normal size relative to the rest of the cast, but hey, cool builds aside from that. Hoping to get these soon actually.

I don't know how well these measure up to scale with the proper figures, but I wouldn't count on them fitting with anything besides the Lego sets, and in that context they look a little too big, but it's whatever.

Wrecking Ball also has a buildable mech, again not counting on it to scale great with the non-lego figures, but it's a fun-looking set still.

Going even bigger though, and we reach Lego Bastion.

Yeah this is why that cross promotion skin exists. It's a buildable Lego Bastion! It transforms! It's so massive it might actually fit close enough to the 6 inch scale! Ganymede looks... less than great, but hey, I'm not complaining too much besides that!

Obviously it's not DX9 Freeman (again, check my last post), but it's still really neat, hoping to get my mitts on this one soon too.

So... yeah! There's my breakdown of every major official series of Overwatch figures. Hopefully this helps someone out there get a better idea of what's all available and how complete of a collection they can expect to get. Again, I highly recommend the Hasbro Ultimates series, but really just get whatever you want with your budget and quality standards as a collector. If you get all the Funkos, reskins included, then hey, more power to you. Or if you just think this is neat and have no intent on actually buying any of this stuff, then I hope this rambling was at least entertaining.

(also I accidentally lost the Figma and Nendoroid sections of the post before needing to retype them so yeah this post took way too long to make, so seriously, thanks if you made it through this far.)

[wanderingnork]

I just love how Carpenter plays with light and shadow. I’ve watched a fair number of his movies and the use of light and shadow to highlight the human and hide the horror is great. People are usually strongly illuminated, or at least not cast completely in shadow. Whatever horror is at play (ghost, demon, slasher) remains mostly in shadow, even when it’s actively hunting or killing. If a protagonist’s face is completely highlighted against a dark background, they’re doomed. Maybe not immediately, but doom has come for them (the character on the ship in The Fog about to be killed by a ghost, the final scene of In the Mouth of Madness as the protagonist succumbs to the cosmic horror). When that doom is death, you usually don’t see the horror coming. Death happens in the dark.

He also plays with warm light and cold light frequently. Warm light (golds, oranges) creates a sense of security, and is also used to signal something important that we should care about. Protagonists are silhouetted by warm lights or find security in warmly-toned spaces. Holy things, like altars or churches, tend to get cast in warm light. Same with houses. Cold light (blues, whites) fills spaces that are dangerous, or signal impending danger. Outdoor spaces grow colder as danger approaches (in Halloween, the warm colors of fall cool down rapidly after Michael Myers arrives). If an indoor space’s lights go cold, the horror has entered the building. A spotlight or silhouette of cold light on a person indicates that they are in impending danger (in The Fog, as one of the characters moves through a church, she passes through a silhouette of deep blue light and immediately thereafter finds out about the ghosts that threaten her town).

Side note: red and green lights are really exceptions. They mostly appear as what I’d have to call…color shocks? A burst of a red flare in a blizzard (all the flares during the denouement of The Thing) or a glowing green artifact (the giant tank and computer monitor Prince of Darkness) forces the viewer to take note of a specific item or moment. It calls our attention to action or to something critical to the plot. Those usually are moments that stick in our heads after the movie is over. They tend to be extremely cinematic.

So basically, for anyone just utterly fucking bored out of their skulls by the dulling of horror movie colors since the early 2000s and current trends in horror movie lighting—or should I say darking—I highly recommend a good dose of John Carpenter’s movies as a remedy.

[cat-loving-elf]

"The Fight" (part 2/2)

Abarant starts with a classic fireball

Scrumptious counters with an icicle

The Teal Mage places a fire wall

Lizzard's right now in a pickle

The opponent sees Lizzard's eyes bawl

The lizzer quickly summons an ice sickle

Quick counter, Abarant goes with flame crawl

Time for the Lizzard to use his big deal

As flames crawl up to him, he lets himself chill

And so, he casts the meta spell, great blizzard

Scrumptious the Lizzard, truly a great wizzard

But even the Roman Empire fell one day

And so The Great Lizzer Wizzer also may

Teal Abarant sees the blizzard, he thinks fast

He has a good idea, time for him to cast

His spell was or would have been "Time travel"

He goes back in time, what a marvel

As this spell only creates eternal loops

Resumes the earlier Fight of the two elite troops

Abarant replaced his earlier self with himself

When it again gets to the great blizzard

The Teal casts "Time travel", what a wizzard

The Fight is now looped, Abarant forever stuck

Nobody will win, nobody will loose, a tie, fuck

The hillside slowly will deteriorate

But Abarant saved lots of wizzers, no debate

[ninja-muse]

I completely abandoned any pretense about reaching my yearly reading goal this December, but I did manage to read one TBR book per month and read 50 of the books I wanted to in 2022, so I’m counting the year as a win. And I got close to the goal, anyway, at least if you include the picture books. (I do not like to include the picture books.) This month also included surprise highlights, surprise disappointments, and not one, but two, history books, which I feel like I never do.

December also, obviously, included a book haul. I got a couple books I asked for for Christmas, a couple books that came from the “give everyone an essay about my tastes” wishlists, and The Atlas Six, which arrived at work too damaged to sell but is still perfectly readable and it had been recommended by a friend…. The highlight is Weirdos of the Universe Unite!, however. I read this at least three times as a kid, via the public library, and I’m pretty sure we can credit my love of urban fantasy to it. That one’s actually part of my birthday haul, but the postal system got in the way. Very excited to (hopefully) reread it in 2023!

The Mummy! - Jane C. Webb Louden A plan to resurrect a mummy somehow upends the monarchy and everyone’s love lives. Melodramatic satire on a grand scale. - Egyptian secondary character

Beneath Another Sky - Norman Davies A world tour of countries subsumed by the colonial West and the ways they’re rebuilding after. - diverse nations and peoples covered - warning: colonial mindsets 1491 - Charles C. Mann An examination of what is known about pre-contact life in the Americas, versus what has often been taught and believed. - Indigenous subject matter - warning: racists, genocide

The Great Believers - Rebecca Makkai Yale is trying for a bequest to his gallery while navigating a relationship and watching his friends die of AIDS. Thirty years later, Fiona is searching for her daughter and reckoning with how Yale’s friend-group has affected her life. - largely 🏳️‍🌈 cast, Jewish protagonist, Jewish secondary character, Black secondary character - warning: deaths from AIDS, period-typical homophobia, including apathy and hate crimes

Books and Libraries - Andrew Scrimgeour, ed. A collection of poetry dedicated to the love of books.

The World We Make - N.K. Jemisin The boroughs of New York thought they’d fought their biggest battle, but then a populist politician comes to town. - ensemble cast containing Black, Indigenous, Indian, Latina, and 🏳️‍🌈 protagonists, Black author, #ownvoices for Blackness

Don't Fear the Reaper - Stephen Graham Jones Jade Jennifer Daniels returns to Proofrock the week a serial killer escapes in a blizzard. Out in February. - Blackfoot protagonist, Indigenous secondary characters, Black secondary character, disabled secondary characters, Blackfoot author, #ownvoices for Blackfoot representation - warning: death, gore, animal death

Grumpy New Year - Katrina Moore with Xindi Yan (illustrator) Daisy’s going to China to visit her Yeh-Yeh for Lunar New Year! Daisy should have slept—but she didn’t. - Chinese cast

The Golden Spoon - Jessa Maxwell Six contestants, two hosts, one world-famous baking show. And a body. Out in March. - ensemble cast containing Black, Latina, neurodivergent, and 🏳️‍🌈 characters

Reread:

The Jolly Christmas Postman - Allan Ahlberg with Janet Ahlberg (illustrator) A postman delivers Christmas mail to the fairy tale and nursery rhyme residents of his village.

Currently reading:

A Killing In Costumes - Zac Bissonnette Jay and Cindy just got an offer that might save their movie memorabilia business. Unfortunately, their competitor has turned up dead and that might sink everything. - 🏳️‍🌈 protagonists

The Penguin Complete Sherlock Holmes - Arthur Conan Doyle Victorian detective stories - major disabled character
 - warning: colonialism, racism


Stats


Monthly total: 9
 Yearly total: 145 + 2
 Queer books: 1
 Authors of colour: 2
 Books by women: 5
 Canadian authors: 0
 Off the TBR shelves: 2
 DNFs: 0

January February March April May June July August September October November

[enigmasong]

As much as I enjoyed watching that trainwreck, god, I mourn Overwatch.

That was a game I had so much fun with for so long, years even, and the first game I ever got that into.

It had a great and interesting cast of characters that were mostly fun to play and swap between; what seemed at the time like a potentially engaging epic story (big RIP there); beautiful maps that were... definitely video game levels but they gave a very good impression of a fully realized world; and just a very satisfying casual gameplay loop that just worked very well for me.

Yeah, it had its problems back in the day - loot boxes were a bitch, but take away the push towards gambling addictions it was an ideologically acceptable game mechanic (it's basically the same kind of mechanic that is one of the core Animal Crossing gameplay loops and I like Animal Crossing) - but nothing that truly detracted from it until matchmaker fucked me over a few years in.

And I was on the Xbox version, so you know I didn't have to deal with the toxic side of the playerbase.

And to watch it go down in a Greek Tragedy, sacrificed on the alter of the bottom line, yeah, it's been entertaining as I'll get out, but it's also deeply painful to watch. The broken promises, the kowtowing to authorian governments, the abuse all the goodwill: it hurts. It hurts more than Harry Potter (for me).

And what hurts most of all is knowing that it's us, the people who had no control over the game's murder - the players who poured their time and love into it, the actual game devs whose hard work made the actual game and side content people enjoyed, and the characters themselves (yes, I'm counting this) who may never truly get to have their stories told now - are the ones who suffer over this and the ones who sunk the ship - the investors and higher management who only serve their mindless, soulless god of wealth in disconnected hope feeling something - will get to cash out their checks before the boat they were never even on to begin with and go buy their fifth mega-yacht to pretend their happy.

So pour one out for Overwatch: a pretty good, if sometimes controversial PvP video game that met a terrible fate at the hands of the very system it sought (at least by some interpretations) to unmask.

May all the missteps and disasters it fall squarely under the legacy of Activision-Blizzard, the villains who actually made this shit show happen.

And may Overwatch's own legacy, the one the hard working people who actually made it wished to give us, be its core philosophy:

Never accept the world as it appears to be, dare to see it for what it could be.

That one line truly impacted me when I first heard it. And despite my struggles with my personal life and my inability to crawl my way out of the heap of unwanted toys this twisted society threw me in, those words are still locked into the core of my personal philosophy.

And the world I can see is one where people aren't forced to give their creativity to the lowest bidder and be worked near to death with only the strained hope of their hard work being loved by strangers they'll never meet only see that blood, sweat, and tears left abandoned on the cutting room floor, deemed 'unprofitable'.

A world where everyone can experience art on this scale and every other, and everyone can make it and freely share it with the world without stress.

Because I can see a world where people are allowed to exist as people who can eat and work and love as they please and actually build their communities as is beneficial to them and not just be tools to run a machine that's only function is to keep its tools working.

And as bleak as things look from my lonely bedroom, I know if we can find a way to come together, that world is still very much in grasp.

Yes, we are entering desperate times for it. Yes, at the end of the day, we will likely have to sadly forsake necessary personal morals to depose the cruel cultural morals that rule over us.

But we have nothing to lose but our chains and a whole world to gain.

So I have just one thing to ask:

Are you with me?

[bklynmusicnerd]

What would you have added or changed to this Ice princess storyline?

There was a lot about the Ice Princess storyline that I enjoyed. I think they chose the right cast of characters for it for the most part (I would have switched Drew out for Taggert though). I just wish they had committed to it more. I think it should've been the A-plot for the entire duration of the story.

Nothing remotely compelling was happening back in Port Charles to justify trying to play the Greenland story and Willow's nonsense as equally important. I also think the weather machine callback should've been played up more. It's like they went with the pathogen because they were afraid of being too campy/cheesy. But anything involving old guard Cassadines is going to be campy/cheesy so you might as well just go for it. At least give Port Charles a blizzard or something. And obviously, more people should've gotten sick from this pathogen.

Considering Victor was threatening global domination, the body count could've been a little higher than zero. It's the serial killer plot all over again. Terrified to do anything they can't pull back later. I also wish we got more Laura and Trina interaction mid-adventure. I would have loved that scene of Laura remembering the code to stop the weather machine even more if Trina was by her side instead of Curtis.

They played up this theme of Laura passing the torch to Trina, but we didn't get to see them interact as much. I also would've made Helena a more looming presence than just Valentin's hallucination. A final confrontation with her memory for Laura would've been great. So, really, I wanted more screen time dedicated to the adventure itself, higher stakes, and more mining of history. It was good but it could've been great.

(Oh and they should've let Trina shoot somebody. No I'm never letting this go)

[lavaburst]

I've noticed a lot of complaints about paladins lately, with regard to their low dps and limited combat options. But what players are forgetting is the main reason Blizzard programmed Paladins. Paladins were not designed to be hybrid Tanks/Healers, as many claim. Instead, paladins were designed to be played while downloading pornography.

Paladins have roughly zero combat interaction, thus making them the perfect character to play while downloading massive amounts of hardcore pornography. Simply target a monster, hit "1", and minimize your window. Then sit back and enjoy the amazing girl on girl action.

Because a Paladin takes about one full minute to kill any monster, you can leisurely browse the erotic and pornographic fruits of the internet without much concern over your Paladin's welfare. After a minute, I go back to WoW, and usually my Paladin is alive and ready to loot the corpse. This is what makes grinding so pleasurable and convenient for me; the ability to simultaneously watch girls have sex with each other and level up at the same time. I doubt any other class has such an elegantly designed system, and I applaud Blizzard for their foresight in crafting a character that I can play with while playing with myself.

DPS? Who needs it? The quicker I kill something, the less time I have to watch boobies. Combat Interactivity? Overrated. I'd much rather interact with the girls writhing on my computer screen. Yes, a paladin was created for the sole purpose of surviving a fight while you stream hot pornography directly to your computer. That is why we have the high armor class, healing abilities, and the low, low DPS.

As for PvP, nothing is better than getting into Battlegrounds and soaking up the honor points while I watch girls take their clothes off for money. Only the minimum interaction is necessary for a Paladin to perform, and it is this very quality that I love the most about my Paladin. I doubt Rogues get any time to watch pornography while trying to vanish and rack up combo points, and I bet Shamans haven't seen a single naked breast while figuring out which totem to throw down before choosing which shock they are going to cast next.

In addition to grinding, we have several defensive options during combat that also allow us the flexibility of downloading pornography. Hammer of Justice allows a quick 6 second glimpse at a naked lady while our opponent is stunned, and Divine Shield allows a leisurely 8 seconds of quality right-hand time. Indeed, Paladins have cornered the market on the pornography during playtime of World of Warcraft gameplay.

It saddens me that many Paladins do not take advantage of the main functionality of your character, and are in fact lobbying for increased DPS, or more combat options. These are all unnecessary frivolities that would only harm our pornography downloading efficiency. Instead, we should thank the fine programmers at Blizzard for crafting a character that is great to grind with while grinding your loins.

^ this literally