#we know that the future isn't written in stone but there's nothing more Fateful than the structure of the narrative

[wispon]

if i had a nickel for every time there was a cosmere storyline concerning a scholar with self-esteem issues working tirelessly with a woman who would never collaborate with them under different circumstances, who brings a different but complimentary perspective and specialty to the table, to solve something that neither can crack on their own, bridging the seemingly insurmountable division between themselves, their ideals, and the forces they align themselves with, recording their work simultaneously in the same book where their contributions can be picked out by glancing at the handwriting, a process that excites the scholar, shoring up their faith in themself as they make new breakthroughs and find themself falling traitorously in love with this beautiful, intelligent, competent woman, only to lose her, cradling her corpse in their arms, knowing they'll have nothing to remember her by but the pattern of her handwriting, having been changed so fundamentally in their understanding of themself and their world by having known, loved, and lost her that they're able to take the steps necessary to accept incredible magic power and protect the people who they never formally ruled but have been involved in the stewardship of (a duty they were separated from when being made to work on their science project), i'd have one nickel because apparently it wasn't meant to be romantic the second time but dude holy fuck the parallels

[beyondthebackup]

You knew we were doomed, didn't you?

That's why you couldn't ever bring yourself to imagine a future.

with me

That future was impossible.

but I imagined it anyway

...

What if we never took that photo?

What if we never climbed that tree?

Would it have been enough to take back those few minutes of youthful joy and use them to run?

If we got as far away from that place as possible, as fast as possible...

What then?

...

I already know.

I know in ways you could never know I knew because that's

Fate.

You would have abandoned me all the same.

The only thing I don't know is how.

Would you fall ill and wither away to bones in bed?

Would you be struck by a car as you crossed the street?

Would I scrape bits of your brain off the asphalt like gum?

Would you drown in the bathtub with my hands around your neck?

In a different place, living different lives, if we were anything other than this...

Would you still decide

there was nothing

not even me

worth living for?

I made you miserable, I know that. Don't think I didn't know that.

I made you miserable, but you let me in, over and over and over again...you let me bury myself in your warmth and you washed me clean in your light no matter how many pieces of you I broke off and swallowed.

Then you'd get up in the morning and glue yourself back together just so I could tear you apart again.

There was friction, pressure, tension, resistance - but you also arched into me, pressed against me, I remember it, I didn't imagine it, you said you were mine and I know you meant it.

You can't erase the past, you can't erase your sins, you can't erase your desires, so you've gone and thrown yourself away over a few petty imperfections, huh?

You always did need the illusion of control more than anything else.

Could you only wrestle your control from me like this?

You weren't yours to throw away.

When you were alive, I thought of you constantly.

Now that you are dead, I think of you constantly.

So what is the difference between

obsession and love?

When you were here I could take it all out on you. The compulsion I felt to…possess everything that you were and ever would be.

I wasn't willing to share, why would I? Your time on this Earth was so short, you didn't have a moment to spare, not for anyone else. I didn't care if it made you miserable. I acted swiftly and without mercy like any predator guarding its territory.

I decided the day I met you that I would be there to watch you die.

I decided later that if you were going to die, it would be by my hand.

It didn't have to be direct, but if you were going to die,

I wanted to be the last thought you ever had.

The means by which I accomplished that mattered less.

You always misunderstood my attempts to possess you and interpreted them as acts of disposal. You could never see the romance in the permanence of death until you used it to escape me, like that coward you've always been.

...

I sound insane. I realize that.

Surely this was all just a self-fulfilling prophecy,

and in my desire to possess you I doomed you.

Perhaps from the moment I laid eyes on you,

your numbers were written in stone,

and that's why I never saw them change.

Perhaps my everlasting devotion is what killed you in the end.

Isn't that what I wanted? Isn't that what I decided to do?

What does it mean for something to be impossible?

I've never felt like this before.

It's getting harder and harder to breathe, my fingertips are numb, my face is hot,

my thoughts are disorganized and loud.

There's this incessant buzzing in my ear, like a live wire.

Nothing scares me anymore.

Is this how you felt?

Is this despair?

It's incredible.

I've never felt like this before.

One phrase circles my mind as I remember what it's like to touch you-

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou

You feel so cold.

"Hah-!"

You strangle the gasp in my throat with your icy fingers,

trembling with a strength I've never known you to have.

I've never known terror like this.

the buzzing in my ears becomes pounding like dozens of children running through the hallway on the upper floor.

I'm fixated on the inky darkness in front of me and oh God, you emerge with eyes like the ice in your hands, your face, it's you, it's you, it's you, it's you,

the room is swallowed in our darkness and I will not move, I cannot breathe.

You can kill me if you want.

When I bear my teeth it's no different from my smile.

The difference is in my eyes, wide open to take all of you in, expanding to drink in the light.

I don't blink. I don't blink. I don't blink.

Even when I feel my face wet from tears, even when I feel my consciousness slipping from me...

Don't blink. Don't blink. Don't blink.

I am frozen, I want to hold the hands around my throat but to lift even a finger feels like an enormous task - I am paralyzed.

Am I dreaming?

Please, God, don't let me be-

I blink.

Air rushes suddenly into my lungs.

I collapse to the ground and suck in the air like a fish out of water, I feel my throat and you're gone, I look at the doorway and you're

Gone.

"NO!"

My scream is strained and laced with an unfamiliar pain. I didn't imagine it...I couldn't breathe, you were there, you touched me, you strangled me, you were here to punish me but you couldn't finish the job, could you?

The gasping breaths and the shaking don't stop, even as I scramble unsteadily to my feet and stumble out of the door.

I look wildly in every direction.

You

are

gone.

I push my fingers into my hair and pull as hard as I can. The moon glares from the window and holds me in its spotlight to expose me.

"Haah...hah..."

I'm a mouth breather on the brink of a heart attack.

Am I dying?

No,

I am broken.

I fall back against our bedroom door and slide to the ground.

Eventually, the pounding stops.

Eventually, the silence comes.

Eventually, the buzzing returns.

This is my punishment,

isn't it,

A?

I'm here, in the dark.

Waiting to hear your creaking foot steps.

Knocking so softly at your door, you think it might just be your imagination.

But did you really think you'd seen the last of me?

You were wrong 🖤

[devaigh]

Reflections

Written for Gotham's writing workshop, week 29.

Shout out to @bonniebird17 for her feedback and support on this one. 😘

Life definitely did not turn out like I thought it would. I never thought I would choose to live in a different century, honestly, I never thought it possible. When I was a girl traveling the world with my uncle, I was exposed to so much from previous cultures, and people. I learned to adapt at a young age to almost any circumstance.

When I married Frank, I was young, and in love, as much as a nineteen year old can be infatuated with an older man. Our early marriage was cut short, with the arrival of the war, and we spent the next six years apart. I spent the majority of my time in France in field hospitals, caring for the wounded. Frank was...well I never really learned where he had been.

Once the war ended and the two of us were brought back together, we tried to fall back into the easy, early, days of our marriage. We were polite and respectful of the near stranger we found in each other after so long apart. I tried to mold myself back into the idea of a professor's wife, though I found it difficult with my days so idle. I took up a hobby in Botany as a way to cure my boredom.

Frank suggested a trip to the Highlands shortly after our reunion, a trip to act as a second honeymoon. It was a way to hopefully bring the two of us back together, repair the cracks we could feel starting to form. There was a nagging sense that maybe, we had outgrown each other.

That trip to Scotland changed everything. It was my first trip through those blasted stones. Even after all these years, I'll never forget the sound of the screams. The pressure, the cold, sharp bite of the void in between still makes me shake when it comes to mind, which thankfully isn't often.

It was then I met..Jamie. The young, rugged Highlander that would become my husband. It was with Jamie that I began to finally dream, of my future. Well, our future rather. My sudden marriage to Jamie was rather unexpected, but I found that I was truly happy.

For almost three years, Jamie and I lived, and loved each other the best we knew how. He was my protector, I was his heart. We had a bond between us that was stronger than anything I had ever known. To even consider the thought of leaving him would be to rip out my soul.

Our first year of marriage we very nearly lost each other. I was nearly burned as a witch, Jamie was captured by Redcoats. He learned the truth of my past, and I sought shelter in his arms.

France brought us a new challenge. I was pregnant, Jamie recovering from the vicious attack he had suffered in prison to save my life. Fergus became apart of our lives. The small orphan boy with curls to rival my own. In the short time we had known him, he became a son to us, and we finally felt content with our growing family.

But happiness could not last. The man who nearly broke Jamie, who tried so desperately to push my husband into the void beyond my reach still lived. Caught between my emotions and the guilt I felt at forsaking Frank, I begged Jamie to spare Randall���s life, only for a time. I wish I hadn't.

Then, with the Bonny Prince, we tried to play the game of war, but the harsh realities of politics took its toll on us. Jamie challenged Randall to a duel. I miscarried. My husband was arrested and taken to the Bastille. I was forced to bargain for his freedom. Jamie and I nearly lost our connection, our marriage and each other.

Despite the heartbreak of losing our daughter Faith, and the rising of the Jacobite army, I had never been more content than I was in my young husband's arms. We found our way back to one another, desperately trying to claim what was ours. I had finally after so long found the home for my heart, and I never wanted to leave his side.

Fate however had a different plan.

Jamie and I had wrapped ourselves into the doomed Jacobite rebellion. I had fallen pregnant with our second child, though I had not realized it at the time. That's when Jamie ripped out both of our hearts. He sent me back....to Frank.

To a life without him.

It was the only way to save our child. Our daughter, Brianna.

I had screamed, cried and fought. I refused to leave Jamie. I was stubborn and pig-headed and yet, it was all for nothing. Jamie kissed me, I spent one final night in the safety of his embrace before I stepped back into a life I didn't want. A future without him.

 My world changed again when I held Bree in my arms. From her first moments, I knew right away how much she looked like her father. Her red fuzz, and dark eyes that would fade into the most beautiful blue, to match the man who made her. She had his spirit too. Even then, I knew our daughter had saved me.

Years later, when Bree was grown, and we had found Jamie, seemingly still alive in the 18th century, I swore I felt my heart stop. Frank had died the year before, even though our marriage had been a cold one since my return. Now I was free, with my daughter raised, Bree looking more and more like the man I had loved so fully every day. I worried about leaving her, I hated the thought of never seeing her again, but the call of my heart's mate was a pull too strong for me to ignore.

Once Bree practically shoved me back into the void, towards Jamie with a kiss and many tears, I knew she would be okay. Whatever would happen from then on, I had to finally take control of my own life and chase after the one thing I wanted most in the world.

I found Jamie, shortly after my arrival. While things were quite rocky in that second beginning, I knew the moment I was wrapped in his arms again that I had made the right choice. From that point on, no matter what the universe decided to throw at us, Jamie and I vowed we would not be separated again.

It has been a long hard road to get us where we are now. Looking back, I can't say that I wouldn't make the same choices. After everything, knowing then what I know now, I would still choose him. I would still choose us.

As I stand here on the porch of the house Jamie built for me, and I watch as our family gathers around us, I know my heart is so full. Full of love for this man, who gave me the world, who has always been my protector, my lover, my best friend, I can not express to him how I feel. But he knows.

At some point, it really doesn't matter.

 “What are ye thinking, Sassenach?”

A pair of strong arms envelops my waist. I lean back into the solid warmth of my husband, the scent of woodsmoke, sweat and horses surrounds me. I close my eyes and smile. My head rolling back to rest on his shoulder. I could stay here forever, safely wrapped in his arms.

“Just reflecting.” I say. My hands moving to cover his. His lips find the juncture of my neck and shoulder, a deep rumbling laugh, a sigh, another kiss, this time just below my ear.

“Aye? What about?”

“Everything. How we made it here, where we are.”

A deep grunt. “It's been a hard journey, ye ken. But we made it. There's no where else I would be then here, with you.”

“I ken.” I turn in his arms, my own weaving around his neck. He kisses my forehead and I tilt my face up so I can better capture his lips with my own. It's sweet, soft, and ends all too quick. Jamie grins down at me, his arms tighten around my waist.

“I love ye too, mo chridhe.”

I smile, as our lips meet again. I can taste the whisky on his breath and feel the rasp of his beard as he kisses me. I feel his hands begin to roam, one loses itself in my curls, while the other tugs me closer. My body sways forward easily, seeking his warmth from the chilly Autumn air. When we finally break apart for air, he tugs me closer, towards the door of our home, guiding me in under his arm.

Jamie knows my heart, he has known the song of my soul since the first. As our children, grandchildren and our people thrive, it is all thanks to this man, this brave, kind, honorable, and highlander warrior who is mine. I wouldn't have it any other way.

A.N.// I seriously thought this was already posted here. I know it's on Ao3. So for those who have missed it, Enjoy.

P.S. My phone wont post a under a cut. Sorry guys.